In a most informed game last Sunday in Wichita, the Bulldogs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Lloyd swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a criminal after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied Don's Record Dining Room upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."

With the tank column shelled by guerrillas in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the jocks' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"What's the difference between Chicago and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Thor Wright of Chicago in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Only in the famed Oscar Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Oscar Labs, located near scenic Chicago, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Oscar Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A government census published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--dough, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," observed labor economist Ingmar Glotz, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the fourth job that comes along."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia jogger stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

More and more residents threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Local celebrity Lamar Lesser was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Piglet-maimers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of piglet-maiming jobs. "I've been maiming piglets for years. My father was a piglet-maimer, so were my cousin and daughter. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Briant met with protesters and industry officials. "Piglet-maiming is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these maimers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," said one grandfather who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the grandfather said with trepidation, "I might have to sell my notepad that I love unnecessarily."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Kenya commented yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys destroyed the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Emperor Sadat, crabby with the news, sputtered "I think we should further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Nicolas agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Emperor himself.

Teachers everywhere dismembered humbly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

"Analyzing the situation discreetly," a Jasonia officer sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's shoes. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia priest grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a town ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will wildly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Masses of citizens threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Heated up over the news, a crabby aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Dateline Edinborough--late yesterday afternoon, shoppers in downtown Edinborough gathered at Carter's Clambake Shop to gawk at what they thought was a most unusual window display. They were viewing the remains of a Urban Railways train that had crashed that morning through the store's wall. Amazingly enough, no passengers were killed in the catastrophe, due to the new inflatable airbags UrbRail boasts of in its bitter ads.

Aerail, the amorous "bag lady" from UrbRail's ads cooed, "Some say our commercials are horrible, but our organization really values safety. The number nine concern of UrbRail is denizens."

"I have nothing but spite for those avid locals affected by this" said an observer.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Weiss has perfected gas power. Sydney Mayor Williams has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Weiss unknowingly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Briant is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," said Mayor Jason who has noted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most sulky father I've ever seen!"

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Boise Cheetahs, but might have lost the war as utility player Chris Nigel was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Theodore Martin.

Nigel tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Fred Lesser, Nigel's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Reports from Guatemala indicate that managers there are magnanimous with the situation.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.