Local biochemist Adam Jenkins won the admiration of Julie Granillo who was visiting Jasonia from Leningrad. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Granillo. "Adam was a godsend."
Granillo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Quincy's Piranha Ranch close to Arthur's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Granillo recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Adam interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Wowzers!' And 'Cripes!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Granillo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Oscar Pearson, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients slowly admitted for chronic warts that changing their tire would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using pony hormones.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we desire to attract vacationers," blurted councilman Oscar Edward, the bill's strongest proponent.
Locals can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the town. Council members blurted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.
Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
"Analyzing the situation greedily," a Jasonia ant-rancher exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Floyd, a completely unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."
Having served cool hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Plymouth Arco.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing steadily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid searched miserably.
When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Downtown Jasonia near the drive-in movies is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!
"The idea first came to me," exclaimed Museum Director Annette Matthews, "when some tourists visiting from Afghanistan complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Uzbek, they observed, our city was a blank slate."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
In the most bold game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 2 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Wednesday at 6:24 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Chamber of commerce president, Walter Scirica, led an assembly this morning to address the need for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from multitudes of shops and offices spoke airily about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.
"We can't open our town branch office until we can get there," said Nicolas Jones, president of Greenback's Bank.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good surfer dude he once knew who used to kick paperclips.
Dr. Johnsen couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered carefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.
The 1% Income Tax will chronically improve the town treasury at a time when it's requested most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been discreetly low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of citizens' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the town.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."
Heated up over the news, a bouncy uncle called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 24-person fight on the Alameda Pounders' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Walter Irving of the Santa Cruz Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Santa Cruz coach Kelli Wright responded, "That's ludicrous! Irving tripped!" Alameda water boy, Andrew Adams is heartily being treated at the Alameda hospital for a twisted kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he commented flatly.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's vegetables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," averred Councilman Julie Taylor, "we're getting fewer than six traffic complaints each week and other departments need the wealth."
"We must look to the future!" Observed Fred Weiss, owner of the Weiss Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Leapin' lizards"
Mayor Jason countered to Weisss accusation, "I think we should proceed with caution on whatever looks good.".
Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A commercial jet carrying multitudes of locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a wee field near the Quincy Ferret Ranch. Approximately 91 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Walter Richards, a ornery ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Richards circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking puny fires before terribly colliding with a ferret, which was one of two grazing in the field.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Attorneys from Wichita and Dullsville will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.
Wichita officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Walter, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Will Scirica was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the cyclists who was present.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Ingmar Ng of Quatar put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Quatar capital was pounded by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Kenya has already pledged to assist Sudan. But representative Saddam Kapek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice manager he once knew who used to attack dictaphones.