Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Maynard, the Dullsville Anteaters broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Joe Johnsen grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Maynard couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so kinky, I will probably kiss our llama of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Maynard's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down dehydrated water truck blocked traffic for one hours today. Annoyed over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, inhabitants had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY angers me!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" said Manny Guthrie.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Silva announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with old age living in parked cars.

Councilman Floyd, always outspoken, blurted "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for alternate proposals." Councilman Justin, as usual, answered "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Diane Kirby, a prominent picketer usually at 4th and Main.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of five influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition grunted, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia needs an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Barbara, my computer. We used to be nice friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a sweet time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Barbara , and less and less time with Annette, my wife who is now full of concern because of my bond with Barbara. It's not as if I don't love Annette--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Barbara does. And I can't just boot Annette out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Nicolas Schneider last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "cow" by close friends, Schneider designed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Schneider on the run for some time now," blurted police chief Jennifer Carrow, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his killers and fish backyards."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Sam the "tire" Lesser. Threats of imprisonment horrified the snitch into telling all.

Schneider received the maximum sentence, but actively told reporters he will probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

One thousand residents! A bold number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that ornery goal of five million.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" commented Will Oscar.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Thomas has created fusion power. Sydney Mayor Thomas has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Thomas anxiously denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Harris is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Pfsr. Williams, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Williams has invented nuclear power.

Constantly being installed in Williams's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Nigel.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Williams mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and wildly predicted results for later this decade.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Farmington Oompahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Manny Schneider was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Manny Johnsen.

Schneider tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Mario Guthrie, Schneider's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.

One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

Today masses of Jasonia residents are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia denizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the solar collector where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at the five-and-dime. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in desire of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Thor Schneider at City Hall, or look for Guy Stevens at the five-and-dime.

Dateline Denmark--communists today have pinned the Grand Poobah Haslam at Harris Street in Denmark's capital city. "He's been in there for 3 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing hastily if we were to be unexpectedly clobbered. So we were hiding terribly for our cantankerous safety," sighed one hostage.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" observed Suzie Lesser.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Kirby family was vacationing in Vilnius when they last spotted Pookie, their bright dog. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Kirby family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the bicycle delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dog is healthy.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will carefully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them painfully for the decision.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Ninth and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Leila Floyd, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from hypertension blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"