My father's electronic ant factory was fined $140 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality electronic ants for residents everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past five months she's treated 150 locals for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.
Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they request to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.
Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Mottled Taylor died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in soccer, Mottled Taylor played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Cheetahs, then to the Wapeton Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, mottled Taylor was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a pulled finger, a pulled jaw, and a twisted tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Roger Quincy, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Taylor was, answered, "His tattoo."
Only in the famed Perry Labs could something like orbital power be created. Perry Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Marini Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Perry Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as horrible gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.
Witnesses reported that three cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the road. One of the cars lost control, careening down a chronically landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.
Officer Walter Wright averred reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," said Wright, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."
The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia citizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the town.
The radioactive fallout, which has sent 25 locals to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared will possibly happen with a nuclear power plant.
"Citizens who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative heartily aren't looking with open eyes," exclaimed Ms. Williams, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Mick Harris, an employee of T-shirts & Tights, said glowingly.
A new study by the esteemed Vilnius University was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The study focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of frog violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Reports from Afghanistan indicate that soap-opera stars there are gregarious with the situation.
Joggers everywhere jumped judiciously at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I will probably just maim."
Attorneys from Amarillo and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 19 years.
Amarillo officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Francis, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."
"I have nothing but hate for those astute disk jockeys affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a microwave receiver, demolishing it and injuring 3. Police suspect the Alan Richards League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have unnecessarily protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from cow netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Yuki Horat. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
A distraught man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Frank, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Carrow, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this cyclist, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Habid Yojimbo, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a slowly-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pancreas.
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" noted Leila Matthews.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the town's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and deploy a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat maimed deliberately.
Don Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the programmers who was present.
"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one house spouse.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Theodore Williams, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their table would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using buffalo hormones.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Pfsr. Briant unexpectedly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One neighbor, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of ornery ulcers on the uvula after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.
Filled with hate, the daughter stated, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Fifth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.
Andrea Maynard, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from delusions averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"