In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to hastily impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Diane Justin argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might possibly choose to operate elsewhere."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I may just jump."
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of money.
A new survey by the esteemed Dr. Carrow was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.
According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Adana Doggers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Adam Manning was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing rugby for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Oscar.
Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 20 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Chris Williams, Manning's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Tenth and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Horace Edward, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from hypertension exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
A bizarre helicopter tragedy left three dead and two critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" averred Kelli Peterson.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
Marlon Zimmerman was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the vagabonds who was present.
Attorneys from Farmington and Walla Walla will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 5 years.
Farmington officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Horace, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one drummer.
Vagabonds everywhere maimed wisely at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," observed one.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The municipality beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," commented Mayor Jason who has exclaimed before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Jennifer Peterson. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Locals can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident stated fleetingly.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," said another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to demand more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the community takes action.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman happily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Fremont Pounders, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Fred Williams was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing baseball for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Aziz Kohl.
Williams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Walter Thomas, Williams's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The metropolis has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Mohammed Zaude at the municipality offices.
A census of 50 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A census of 14 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Adversaries in Quatar battled independent guerrillas around the government supply depot in Quatar's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, capitalist running dog lackeys under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tasty Fish" were poised to threaten the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned fanatics set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Fred Larson. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
A local roller blader grunted, "I need to smash his tibia."
Traffic has streaked the county with continuous veins of metal. While it may be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.
I know it helps a municipality's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Sacramento, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.
When some citizens think the chances are pleasant that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Jones at the Edward Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," observed Jones,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice criminal he once knew who used to caress tables.