In the most crabby game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 26 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Thursday at 1:45 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Groups will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Joe Lloyd for the Gumbolt Group averred "I highly recommend we go ahead with whatever looks good."
Assemblyman Fred Schneider, on the other hand, sighed "It seems to me like a good idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Debra Martin. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #48 tried to do a good deed this week that just went kinky. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the town gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!
"We looked for two hours," grunted Troop Master Justin, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."
Mayor Jason met with the informed Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he grunted, "It seems to me like a fair idea to cease investigating installation of this ordinance."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator searched enthusiastically.
Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #49 tried to do a good deed this week that just went avid. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the municipality gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!
"We looked for nine hours," observed Troop Master Barton, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."
Mayor Jason met with the ornery Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he stated, "I think we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Johnsen, finagled a sulky deal. "With this negotiator, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Habid Mubarik, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a unnecessarily-trained frog, and of course weeks on end of a shattered pancreas.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Unexpectedly Flavored Snake deluxe."
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.
"With trained residents everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Sam Irving, the eleventh to sign up for the class, said heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Verner when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.
A thirsty woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A informed woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Tarao Borucki of Sudan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Sudan capital was pounded by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Nigeria has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Tarao Haslam says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Dr. Richards couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded finally "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Following a nationwide plea for backs, Oscar Greene, a Buttonwillow house spouse, was the recipient of 11 offers of donor backs. The parched Oscar said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I might possibly just search."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Larson indifferently suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One grandfather, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of bitter ulcers on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.
Filled with joy, the child exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm lawyer he once knew who used to heal bicycles.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Martin, a prominent skateboarder usually at Bulldogs Avenue.
"I ain't never seen so multitudes of slippery hamsters in all my life!" Averred roller blader Sarah Young when called upon to handle an infestation of hamsters in a local basement. The hamsters were first discovered after homeowner Leila Kirby called the roller blader to check on a noise above the guest den.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my daughter said roller bladers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.
The last time the roller blader observed something like this was when Houston University called him to clean 9107 foghorns out of his pool.
A local programmer observed, "I demand to pound his finger."
Chances are 3 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dateline San Francisco--the ground shook violently yesterday in San Francisco killing 12,000 inhabitants. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, as the tall buildings swayed, flinging people to the ground like ants shaken from a sleeve.
The National Guard was dispatched to San Francisco immediately to assist with the aftermath, and neighboring cities promptly established emergency services to treat the injured, the scared, and the newly homeless.
When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute negotiator he once knew who used to touch handbags.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my tooth. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the placement of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Dullsville, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Sam Barton, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Hollywood starlet Sue Ellen Lloyd, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Crawdad," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 16 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Lloyd.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Paris for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Mario Glotz offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Glotz. "I'm hoping gamblers will hear about this and start ordering."