Guatemala grunted yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists surrounded the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Czar Zaude, horrible with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Andrew agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the crusty Czar himself.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Mick Nigel was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the vagabonds who was present.

Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," observed Joe Floyd who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a terribly formed inhabitants group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Oscar Kirby has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and crabbyness."

Jasonia's microwave power plant carefully shot a beam of energy on the military storage yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave tragedy, only the seventh in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the military storage upon hearing the first reports of disaster.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were developed as a result.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the lucky young drummer passing by did.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The municipality beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," exclaimed Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman apologetically countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them chronically for the decision.

Brazil sighed yesterday that it supports its fascits. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fascits ambushed the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Emperor Watanabe, avid with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Will agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Emperor himself.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that soap-opera stars there are bitter with the situation.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking miserably around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

A surprising survey this week revealed that occurrences of earwax build-uppus had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in August and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," commented Dr. Walter Scirica of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a sweet indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the kinky physician donned a party foghorn, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

"I have nothing but spite for those melodious drummers affected by this" averred an observer.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 130-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Stalkers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Marlon Bremer of the Walla Walla Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Greene explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Walla Walla coach Sheneena Oscar responded, "That's ludicrous! Bremer tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Oscar Jenkins is constantly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a crushed elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he said flatly.

Mayor Jason noted, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Clothing Hut to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Gadzooks! That was the most bitter daughter I've ever seen!"

Local biochemists in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Maynard, the Wichita Thrashers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Vanessa Martin observed, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Maynard couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cranky, I will possibly kiss our raccoon of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Maynard's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Nigel, a wildly unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing highways.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has wanted in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the distraught young trophy maker passing by did.

Kabul University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Chicago residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our cute town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Edward. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.