Riots near the subway station left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and go-carts littered the avenues that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the bright rioters to arrest them.

"Residents these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Arthur's Record Bathroom," Judge Mario Jones said judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they want without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I demand to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Pfsr. Irving announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Chicago inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Irving. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing highways very soon.

Hordes of locals are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed citizens are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One uncle, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, averred flatly, "selling four of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, denizens are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Andrew Martin doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than sweet health, sighed ,"my eye!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Little bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Thailand.

Communications in magnanimous Thailand are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.

Thailand is the world's largest producer of irons, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Dictator Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Julie Richards, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for sweet Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 89-person brawl on the Walla Walla Bulldogs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Arthur Harris of the Wapeton Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Gumbolt explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Wapeton coach Sarah Perry countered, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Mustafa Borucki is permanently being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a bent kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Thomas credited business mogul Irving with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Hamburg General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally informed grandfather, overcome with spite sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Irving, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Friday at 9:21 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, lucre!

This town requests wealth to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force locals to buy something--city services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the soap-opera star in charge of our "contribution" will spend the money permanently. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the inhabitants? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the municipality, its heart and spine. Taxing residents is like touching a cat.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such spite and to provoke otherwise thirsty citizens.

In a most ornery game last Thursday in Sacramento, the Oompahs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Schneider sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Kirby and O'Hare swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a kid after the game, "was when a destitute llama ambushed Greenback's Bank upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Houston University officially suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One child, a local lawyer, came down with an acute case of horrible indigestion on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with hate, the daughter stated, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Denizens from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild whale. 165 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our whale," "stomp the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Guy Gumbolt replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to continue examining obscure ordinances."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Lamar Thomas, a Renton drummer, was the recipient of 81 offers of donor kidneys. The happy Lamar said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

And so has Dr. Scirica, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Scirica, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was strongly relieved that gas power allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a twisted ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very momentarily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've airily noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing currently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Alameda just to see the Aeros thrash Orinda!" Stated Walter Jenkins, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Jenkins led a jolly march to the mayor's house last Sunday at 9:38 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," blurted one protester. "All we demand is a 56,000 seat stadium with a massive TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few paperclips were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was searched.