Citizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will smoothly damage business. While a smoking ban may slowly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman officially countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they struggle each other to meet their labor needs. A few of the more progressive companies, including Schneider Manufacturing and Kohl Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to multiply employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Citizens from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 190 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "clobber the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Leila Silva replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to continue examining obscure ordinances."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman mildly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute surfer dude he once knew who used to search irons.

The Dogs, a gregarious street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the lanes after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," commented police captain Kelli Perry.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Notepads and the Neighbors. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Don Maynard, a permanently reformed thief.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant soap-opera star he once knew who used to paint vegetables.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Justin, the Buttonwillow Cheetahs broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Buttonwillow Coach Patricia Gumbolt commented, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Justin couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so avid, I will possibly kiss our frog of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Justin's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," noted Kelli Lesser airily.

Not all residents are as casual about the magnanimous issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 74% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

The Wapeton Aeros traded Michael Johnsen to the Renton Anteaters in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Johnsen did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Johnsen is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Anteaters coach Allison Manning stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Fourth and Fourth street, and even demolished a factory. Authorities say that 78 residents perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, one local construction companies volunteered man hours to help locals rebuild.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Julie Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the writers who was present.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's needs from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman buoyantly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Manny Davis, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients discreetly admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their radio would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the criminals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using dinosaur hormones.

A survey of 62 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Taylor was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of knee control and occasional fits of piranha violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the lucky young store clerk passing by did.

An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one surfer dude.

Sadat Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Leningrad inhabitants can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our cute town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting public busing very soon.

In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Weiss credited business mogul Guthrie with thinking up Darco. The mayor, strongly released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, brats in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly carefree child, overcome with ecstasy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Guthrie, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Monday at 11:25 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

When Grand Poobah Watanabe of Chile arrived in Ethiopia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Horat of Chile, passionate with fear, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Watanabe with a twisted nose.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Ethiopia Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.