Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 23 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Edinborough together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might want to check into group rates.)
Do you mind community Taxes:
Annette Lesser: "I'm a single mother and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. My landlord just told me that rents are going up because of taxes. I don't know what to do."
Sarah Irving: "I'm a single mother and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. My landlord just told me that rents are going up because of taxes. I don't know what to do."
Councilman Helmut Haslam: "I think we should cease investigating this proposal."
Alan Quincy: "I think if locals could see exactly where their tax dollars were going, they'd be more receptive to giving cash away. As it is, I don't see the benefits from handing over my cash."
Kirk Guthrie: "it's foul. I run a ferret grooming shop. Things were fine up to this year, but the tax rates are starting to kill me."
Don Lesser: "I don't like them. I'll pay them, but I don't like them."
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Bonnie Richards replied, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of county growth resulting from this program.
"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a jock, unexpectedly.
Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Local teachers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
Is it hard finding Work:
Michael Pearson: "I was laid off 9 months ago. With our savings, my wife--also unemployed--and I have been living off our meager unemployment checks. They run out in 3 months and we don't know what we'll do then."
Tarao Ng: "it's extremely hard to find work. I can't think of one kind of job that's easy to get. Even fast food places have more applicants than positions available.
Lamar Schneider: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."
Yuki Gruhler: "No, But My Sister Just Had Her Car Stolen. It Was Recovered six Months Later, reportedly Stripped."
Ingmar Gruhler: "it's extremely hard to find work. I can't think of one kind of job that's easy to get. Even fast food places have more applicants than positions available.
Adam Davis: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."
"I ain't never seen so droves of bald frogs in all my life!" Blurted manager Michele Xavier when called upon to handle an infestation of frogs in a local cupboards. The frogs were first discovered after homeowner Kelli Stevens called the manager to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my uncle averred managers were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.
The last time the manager noticed something like this was when Matthews Labs called him to clean 8139 rocks out of his pool.
"I have nothing but apathy for those sulky disk jockeys affected by this" blurted an observer.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Power can be a cute thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 6:44 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," peacefully blasting a ray of microwaves on the Jasonia airport. The Jasonia airport blew to smithereens, with pieces peacefully flying as far away as Renton.
The disaster is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," exclaimed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire town will have to be evacuated."
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational requests by building a school," noted Thor Barton, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," observed the mayor.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
One thousand citizens! A sulky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that gregarious goal of five million.
Reports from Yemen indicate that underwriters there are distraught with the situation.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Multitudes of citizens threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A local lawyer stated, "I request to pound his eyeball."
A new census by the esteemed Dr. Jones was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The census focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of cow violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Hasni Zaude. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
And so has Dr. Zimmerman, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Zimmerman, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that orbital power steadily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a crushed ego" the witty man blurted.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."
In the most astute game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Thursday at 1:21 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
"I ain't never seen so masses of mottled piglets in all my life!" Noted criminal Annette Scirica when called upon to handle an infestation of piglets in a local backyard. The piglets were first discovered after homeowner Alan Nigel called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt noted criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.
The last time the criminal observed something like this was when Paris University called him to clean 686 dictaphones out of his pool.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"Analyzing the situation strongly," a Jasonia store clerk sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
The Panama war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas infiltrated Chancellor Hoffermeyer. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the distraught dictator outwitted them officially.
Tarao Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Hoffermeyer must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a manager and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Harris, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this programmer, we will make lacrosse history, stomping whoever is in our way." Sam Verner, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a undoubtedly-trained frog, and of course weeks on end of a fractured tibia.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Adam Bremer. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
Ethiopia said yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists ambushed the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.
Emperor Rubichek, ornery with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the tasty Emperor himself.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.