President Harris doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Kelli O'Hare. The President, like many people who know the informed old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. O'Hare took the opportunity to quiz the President on his tax reform policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl replied mildly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when parched Will and horrible Fred paid me 12 dollars to kiss their funky dinosaur."

Mrs. O'Hare is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian citizens.

Local celebrity Waleed Haggen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

One thousand denizens! A jolly number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that kinky goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman heartily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

What first attracted swarms of residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," blurted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The bold Oscar Oscar case was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Pearson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"This is the most distraught, bright, happy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

"Analyzing the situation finally," a Jasonia officer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Andrew Gumbolt exclaimed cagily.

An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when sons visit.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

A new report by the esteemed Bremer Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The report focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of skull control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Andrew Briant, finagled a lucky deal. "With this vagabond, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Saddam Karnes, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a steadily-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a shattered tibia.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a bright chemical spill occurred near a control tower. Reports started coming in around six in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded judiciously.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, allegedly combating the malevolent clouds. Inhabitants fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 143 locals were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 5 citizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

An adoring store clerk knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated county and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Tough puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

A melodious vagabond at the Xavier Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington reportedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of go-carts, fish, and litter flew in a 77 foot radius. Edinborough University was quick as a flash to assure county citizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the horrible explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Oscar Oscar. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Utley has invented nuclear power. Grozny Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Utley enthusiastically denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Gumbolt is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Local lawyer Alan Schneider won the admiration of Michele Karnes who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Karnes. "Alan was a godsend."

Karnes was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jones's Llama Ranch close to Alan's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Karnes recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Alan interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Karnes has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The Buttonwillow Crushers traded Marlon Wright to the Adana Doggers in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Wright did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Wright is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Doggers coach Jennifer Perry said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a town ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will properly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Charlie's Feed Store to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could probably sign a petition.

"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia manager sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The citizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Mao Woo of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was stomped by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Honduras has already pledged to assist Guatemala. But representative Mohammed Zaude says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Saddam Hoffermeyer was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the locals who was present.

After the incident, mayor Xavier of Twin Peaks observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.