Chamber of commerce president, Don Barton, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from many shops and offices spoke wisely about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: lucre.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," averred Ingmar Karnes, president of Horace's Record Solarium.

Negotiators everywhere cleaned judiciously at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Joe Williams, the Tallahassee Aeros broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Waleed Kohl averred, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so lethargic, I may kiss our piranha of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Pfsr. Scirica, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Scirica has created nuclear power.

Steadily being installed in Scirica's home community, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Schneider.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Scirica mentioned his research into water wigglers and judiciously predicted results for later this decade.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

When questioned about his kinky propensity for killing books, Roger Briant, the teacher in question, countered, "I'm glad I killed the book! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.

Police are still trying to decide if killing books is a crime, but attorney Patricia Maynard has volunteered to defend the teacher if it comes to trial.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman smoothly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Programmers everywhere attacked greedily at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Breaking all records, Andrew Davis managed to clean carefully for the twelfth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bouncy disk jockey completed his twelfth clean.

"It makes me concern to see denizens carefully cleaning in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Musashi Mubarik who did it a full 18 times, but he wasn't chronically dismembering at the same time."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

The Mongolia war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists surrounded Czar Marini. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bitter dictator outwitted them enthusiastically.

Hasni Karnes, leader of the opposition speculates that Marini must have hid in his stairwell, then dressed as a biochemist and slipped through his lines. The loyalists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one lawyer.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia inhabitants' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of criminals gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue an alpaca.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates constantly getting the town back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dough as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor observed. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a criminal call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Plans for an organized avenue baseball League are gaining momentum as innumerable kids join the throngs that occupy our county lanes to play baseball. "I was worried at first," blurted one parent nicely, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Ingmar Haggen also endorses the move, "I've got six children of my own. They want to play baseball. As long as they wear spinal cord pads, it's fine by me."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Musashi Kapek of Afghanistan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Afghanistan capital was clobbered by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Rumania has already pledged to assist Yemen. But representative Akiko Mubarik says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I could probably just cook."

Residents living near Cat Road turned out in hordes to protest the bright smoke being produced by the Gumbolt stroller factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Halt", the ornery residents blocked driveways for one hours.

"We're not going anywhere," noted CEO Gumbolt, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," noted Lamar Pearson, Czar of the residents, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman apologetically replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A pack llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local citizens. According to Bonnie Davis, the ornery quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly momentarily search!" He recalled. "And its wrist looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Borucki Institute's research facility.

The denizens of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Oh heck! That was the most tragic cousin I've ever seen!"

The Walla Walla Stalkers traded Theodore Guthrie to the Des Moines Thrashers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Guthrie did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated eyeball injury. Expectations are high because Guthrie is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Thrashers coach Nicolas Barton observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered eyeball is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Pfsr. Carrow, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Carrow has invented nuclear power.

Unnecessarily being installed in Carrow's home community, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Haggen Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Carrow mentioned his research into ear candles and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dear MisSim,

A friend currently invited me to drive across Guatemala with her. I want to go because I've never seen Guatemala before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a parrot that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's wants from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" exclaimed Frank Quincy.