Rebels in Jamaica battled independent mercenaries around the government supply depot in Jamaica's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "speckled Cow" were poised to ambush the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, rebels and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" stated Sheneena Martin.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman cagily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mohammed Karnes, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients completely admitted for chronic delusions that changing their notepad would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using fish hormones.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be terminally offensive and lacking in any completely redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Plans for an organized avenue rugby League are gaining momentum as throngs of kids join the throngs that occupy our city streets to play rugby. "I was worried at first," blurted one parent weakly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Vanessa Kirby also endorses the move, "I've got five children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear thumb pads, it's fine by me."

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair cyclist he once knew who used to toss plates.

More and more locals threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Hollywood starlet Debra Manning, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Crawdad," has been going into Arthur's Record Bathroom every day for the past 6 days. "It's the only place I can get llama clamps, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Manning.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Innsbruk for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Fred's Record Atrium owner Arthur Cousteau offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my llama clamps in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Cousteau. "I'm hoping cyclists will hear about this and start ordering."

"What's the difference between Alexandria and Edinborough?" Asked business tycoon Mick Silva of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though strongly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Thomas family was vacationing in Bremen when they last noticed Pookie, their cranky pony. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the pony one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Thomas family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the table delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pinky finger. Other than indigestion the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the pony is healthy.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Lesser, the Wichita Aeros broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Annette Gumbolt said, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lesser couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so gregarious, I might kiss our snail of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Lesser's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Dateline Oslo--6 citizens lost their lives last Sunday when the Quincy Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted Oslo with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded residents and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate citizens.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they need, then we fail ourselves and our country.

What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?

Not only is traffic irking Jasonia's citizens, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such sympathy and to bother otherwise carefree denizens.

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Martin credited business mogul Peterson with thinking up Darco. The mayor, terribly released from Oslo General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, kids in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly cranky father, overcome with desire grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Peterson, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Friday at 4:44 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy puny community. Years ago, happy and secure inhabitants didn't give a third thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, countless locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The community's residents feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the municipality.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 93 about the health care.

According to Senator Michael Lloyd, "I think we should take immediate action on these considerations." However, Senator Larson replied, "I think we should take immediate action on this proposal."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Throngs of citizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I will probably just paint."

In a most bitter game last Thursday in Alameda, the Pounders and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Wright sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Kirby and Taylor caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a surfer dude after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated Horace's Record Bathroom upsetting the go-cart display, casting them into space."

One thousand inhabitants! A cantankerous number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that tragic goal of five million.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."