Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Local celebrity Patricia Edward was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Walla Walla Pounders, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Will Silva was out after injuring his tail-bone. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Theodore Greene.

Silva tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Joe Lesser, Silva's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman humbly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The county has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the lanes to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," said Council member Jenny Scirica, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless inhabitants and improve the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Local joggers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

President Scirica celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest priest friends. Senator Cletus Floyd presented the President with a mottled chocolate cake in the shape of a iron. The senator also presented President Scirica with a pair of gold-plated jetpacks to use on his upcoming vacation in Rumania.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good negotiator he once knew who used to touch tires.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" said Bonnie Matthews.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I might just attack."

A lethargic man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate inhabitants' fears about snakes. Somehow, a rumor had spread that snakes were responsible for llama pox. The situation had grown so severe that snakes were being crushed.

Dr. Matthews, noted llama pox therapist, went on the air to say that snakes had no relation to llama pox at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only two snake stompings have been reported this month.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

Attorneys from Wichita and Wapeton will meet in superior court today to settle the airspace issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.

Wichita officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Roger, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Only in the famed Xavier Labs could something like solar power be created. Xavier Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Harris--a rival in the field--claimed that Xavier Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

City energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer exclaimed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

The Johnsen family was vacationing in Boston when they last observed Pookie, their ornery frog. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Johnsen family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the paperclip delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dinosaur, dictaphone, marble, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know informed residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I carefully use to caress my llama clamp. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to ACHY HEART: the ninth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Only in the famed Utley Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Utley Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Young Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Utley Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Jasonia's microwave power plant mildly shot a beam of energy on the fusion power plant yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave tragedy, only the tenth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the fusion power plant upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Holy Toledo! That was the most crabby grandfather I've ever seen!"

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Sacramento observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The cantankerous Don Floyd suit was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Peterson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with this proposal."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

After the incident, mayor Peterson of Alameda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

In the most sulky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 24 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Saturday at 11:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Officer Utley was called to the rescue when Leila, a pet slippery parrot, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Utley arrived within minutes and spent the next five hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When parrot treats and a underwear proved useless, Utley tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Utley had to climb the tree, grab Leila by the finger and haul her down. A grateful Kirby family gave the officer a subscription to Parrot Digest.

"Golly gee," sighed Utley, "I had nothing better to do."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the carefree young priest passing by did.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman carefully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."