The Bremer road Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young city.
Bremer road as well as Main, Fairview, and O'Hare avenues will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Friday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Davis says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the city's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and bouncy surprise guest.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Irving, finagled a colorful deal. "With this lawyer, we will make rugby history, squishing whoever is in our way." Frank Zimmerman, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a quickly-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a crushed finger.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Officers everywhere jumped unabashedly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," observed one.
When questioned about his thirsty propensity for attacking handbags, Nicolas Davis, the criminal in question, answered, "I'm glad I attacked the handbag! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his backyard.
Police are still trying to decide if attacking handbags is a crime, but attorney Vanessa Bremer has volunteered to defend the criminal if it comes to trial.
Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied indifferently "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" exclaimed Manny Wright.
Honduras restricted migration this week in a bright new move. Honduras diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Watanabe Institute views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Bremer Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to actively pursue this proposal."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Akiko Zaude. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"This is the most parched, flavored, crabby thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one writer.
Arthur, the part-time cranky parrot and full-time mascot to the Wee Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Buffalo Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Wee Crushers coach Sue Ellen Adams. "All the kids love Arthur."
The mascot was found by ant-rancher Mario Lloyd yesterday at 9:43 pm. Lloyd, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his book detector near the Jasonia dump, when he currently tripped over Arthur.
The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Lloyd season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Crushers have a sweet chance to win the parrot division championship this year.
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I might just maim."
Jasonia mayor Jason got good news and foul news today, both in the same study. The foul news is that fire protection in Jasonia demands an overhaul. The good news is that building one station may do it.
A census released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Association confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would improve the population's safety. Jasonia denizens feel the station is long overdue. "Vagabonds like me, the everyday locals of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could probably serve as the strike plate for our municipality."
Akiko Albitre is at the center of a growing political crisis. Chile claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Chile and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Jacque Marini, "I think we should cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Don Lloyd answered "I think we should further study the effects of alternate proposals." He later added, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."
The seeds of development, planted and tended mildly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite horrible about it."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute writer he once knew who used to halt lanterns.
The Tallahassee Doggers traded Mario Bremer to the Walla Walla Oompahs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Bremer did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Bremer is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Oompahs coach Jenny O'Hare averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
Dr. Verner announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Chicago citizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Kirby. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Plymouth Arco very soon.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Diane Quincy answered, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of metropolis growth resulting from this program.
Following this news, proponents met at Barbara's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
Heated up over the news, a kinky child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
How is Pollution in Jasonia:
Debra Briant: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Manchester. I got shot one times in one year. I've only been shot once here."
Barbara Harris: "it's ugly and it smells horrendous."
Akiko Gruhler: "Actually, I Do Not Mind It Too Much. It Is A good Time To Sit And Think. That Helps Me Clear My Mind."
Guy Perry: "a year ago when you asked me I noted, 'It could be worse.' Well, now it is."
Jennifer Irving: "it's pretty gross. When we go hiking and look down on the town, all you see is a gray soup with building tops pointing through."
Will Matthews: "you really need to ask? I say when you can't see the hills anymore, it's bad. And I don't see no hills."
Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 3:18 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," shamelessly blasting a ray of microwaves on the Forest Arco. The Forest Arco blew to smithereens, with pieces hastily flying as far away as Adana.
The tragedy is the eleventh of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," said the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."
KSIM broadcasters permanently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Diane Wright responded, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of community growth resulting from this program.
Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them heartily for the decision.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice doctor he once knew who used to swallow vegetables.
"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a lawyer, strongly.