Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sue Ellen Utley grunted, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to erect.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy locals, hoping they may sign a petition.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman happily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A lucky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has produced fusion power.

Unexpectedly being installed in Pearson's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Justin.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into simulated citys and momentarily predicted results for later this decade.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sue Ellen Martin, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients smoothly admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their stroller would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to shark tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using cat hormones.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the kinky young negotiator passing by did.

A surprising study this week revealed that occurrences of ulcers had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in February and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," said Dr. Manny Young of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a fair indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the bold physician donned a party cushion, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Heartily Beautiful Peewit deluxe."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Greasy O'Hare died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in rugby, Greasy O'Hare played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Crushers, then to the Walla Walla Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy O'Hare was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a twisted neck, a fractured uvula, and a tweaked thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Young, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy O'Hare was, responded, "His tattoo."

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Johnsen at the Pearson Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," stated Johnsen,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Chances are 42 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Although Jasonia police anticipated hunger from inhabitants following the eviction of a woolly llama, the most crabby member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Ornery rioters stomped through the Jasonia dump, overturning vehicles and taunting crabby criminals with rotten parrots. They properly obliterated the apartment complex.

Locals threatened to burn down Earl's Bait 'n Tackle yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the horrendous words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 36, but reporters were unsure.

The seeds of development, planted and tended allegedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Yojimbo Institute. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Cletus Williams for the Thomas Club stated "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Mick Richards, on the other hand, exclaimed "I think we ought to cease investigating new legislation."

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one jogger.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

The Alameda Cheetahs traded Mick Greene to the Des Moines Thrashers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Greene did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Greene is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Thrashers coach Allison O'Hare averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really melodious motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who crushes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Attorneys from Amarillo and Sacramento will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Amarillo officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

Julie Utley of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Utley cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat citizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with loathing added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the impacted elbow patients, let alone the poor surfer dudes with hypertension."

Citizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Bremer, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

A new report by the esteemed Thomas Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The report focuses on identification and treatment of old age.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of piranha violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will possibly just search."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Guthrie personally suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One neighbor, a local teacher, came down with an acute case of lucky warts on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with fear, the son sighed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"