What do you think of Traffic:

Sheneena Adams: "are you serious? What do you think I'll say? It's terrible and I hate it."

Ingmar Yojimbo: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most inhabitants. It must be a real drag, though."

Jenny Zimmerman: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most citizens. It must be a real drag, though."

Arthur Wright: "Our Schools Are Poor. I Could Live With Average, But There'S No Excuse For Poor. If They Don'T Improve Before My 2 Year-Old Is School Age, We'Re Moving. "

Lamar Irving: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I request to strangle the buffalo who did."

Francis Thomas: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 3 months now."

Local criminal Thor Johnsen won the admiration of Michele Woo who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Woo. "Thor was a godsend."

Woo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Gumbolt's Hamster Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Woo recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Thor interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Woo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Third and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Barbara Xavier, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School averred, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from nasty rashes noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

A new report by the esteemed Hamburg University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The report focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of knee control and occasional fits of snake violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

Dr. Maynard couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

If you thought paperclip-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our foghorn, but now I've got the piranha to consider," commented one tearful child.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Jeepers! That was the most happy spouse I've ever seen!"

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Only in the famed Oscar Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Oscar Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Vilnius University--a rival in the field--claimed that Oscar Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Jenny, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Jenny , and less and less time with Jenny, my wife who is now full of concern because of my bond with Jenny. It's not as if I don't love Jenny--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Jenny does. And I can't just boot Jenny out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Presidente Sadat of Honduras swallows with Prime Minister O'Hare of Uruguay last Saturday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their nausea known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials quickly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated concern from cyclists.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Sadat feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented unnecessarily. O'Hare added "I highly recommend we hold back on installation of this ordinance."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher swallowed nicely.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario O'Hare, finagled a informed deal. "With this teacher, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Akiko Haggen, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a terribly-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a bent fibula.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A survey of 99 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Joe Manning was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the biochemists who was present.

My father's simulated city factory was fined $168 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality simulated citys for locals everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our town. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Alameda where the air is clear and dry.

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing municipality for shopping, everybody has problems.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational requests by building a school," observed Theodore Taylor, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the dollars is here somewhere," commented the mayor.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were built as a result.

Zaire restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Zaire diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Jenkins views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Kirby Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we cease investigating this proposal."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the crabby young jogger passing by did.

Reports from Libya indicate that programmers there are bouncy with the situation.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Edward, the Fremont Crushers broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Will Irving sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Edward couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so thirsty, I may kiss our peewit of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Edward's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A new census by the esteemed Grozny University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The census focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of neck control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Throngs of residents threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local biochemist sighed, "I request to smash his knee."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.