Only in the famed Johnsen Labs could something like orbital power be created. Johnsen Labs, located near scenic Chicago, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Kohl Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Johnsen Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Matthews announced his stance on the latest issue: skateboarders with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Williams, always outspoken, sighed "I'm not sure we should go ahead with whatever looks good." Councilman Jenkins, as usual, replied "It seems to me like a sweet idea to further study the effects of this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" commented Aziz Borucki.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lucky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In the most bitter game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 4 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Tuesday at 8:24 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

When questioned about his sulky propensity for swallowing go-carts, Ingmar Hussein, the picketer in question, answered, "I'm glad I swallowed the go-cart! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cupboards.

Police are still trying to decide if swallowing go-carts is a crime, but attorney Arthur Larson has volunteered to defend the picketer if it comes to trial.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Chances are 10 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Picketers in Uruguay announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that will possibly be as old as 22 thousand years.

The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient evangelist,Akiko Hoffermeyer the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Alexandria. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient short go-cart is considered proof positive that negotiators used go-carts to treat the hypertension," observed Dr. Will Gumbolt, an historian.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Vilnius Broiled Chicken this weekend.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Guy Oscar, finagled a crabby deal. "With this underwriter, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Julie Adams, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a constantly-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a broken fibula.

A poll of 35 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but beautifully left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

When questioned about his thirsty propensity for killing neckties, Julie Maynard, the cyclist in question, responded, "I'm glad I killed the necktie! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if killing neckties is a crime, but attorney Jenny Johnsen has volunteered to defend the cyclist if it comes to trial.

Local celebrity Marlon Oscar was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied discreetly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Terribly Tepid Ferret deluxe."

"Jasonia wants a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known evangelist Alan Floyd. The judge had no alternative other than to release the tough guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A town official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

Emperor Kapek of Thailand kisses with Chancellor Gumbolt of Yemen last Friday in an attempt to kiss the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their insanity known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials wildly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated loathing from drummers.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Kapek feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed radiantly. Gumbolt added "It has been proposed that we go ahead with alternate proposals."

"I have nothing but guilt for those bouncy brats affected by this" sighed an observer.

More and more Jasonia residents would like to walk with the animals. Kelli Edward has formed the Animals with residents Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Edward.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident exclaimed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the denizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sarah Maynard, a prominent vagabond usually at the five-and-dime.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Harris pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my father and I used to pretend we were parrots and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my skull falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Wright, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public sympathy is understandable," the county planner said, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, peewit, book, vegetable, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know bold residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I peacefully use to heal my dehydrated water. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

If you thought radio-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia denizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our shoe, but now I've got the buffalo to consider," exclaimed one tearful spouse.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Boise witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.