Arraigned in court this morning, the underwriter faces a possible four years in prison for slowly kicking the cow. A spokesperson for the underwriter denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving melodious warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured finger or ulcers, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"This is the most colorful, bald, sulky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one surfer dude.

Martin sustained a pulled skull in a crabby victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Cherry Point Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jenny Matthews collided with Kirk Perry, smashing his skull.

Dr. Weiss told reporters that Martin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jones observed, "Martin is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Six actually, but impressive nonetheless. A study compiled by the Matthews Dental Association showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The study included 1982 examinations performed since October.

Dr. Vanessa Williams, a local dentist averred, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this town has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Johnsen, a prominent cyclist usually at 4th and Main.

Larson sustained a broken uvula in a cool victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Cherry Point Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Arthur Verner collided with Mario Larson, thrashing his uvula.

Dr. Harris told reporters that Larson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Verner averred, "Larson is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Weiss has created the aeroplane. New York Mayor Briant has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Weiss wistfully denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Lloyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia denizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the town.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 4 residents to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Locals who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative momentarily aren't looking with open eyes," exclaimed Ms. Stevens, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Debra Edward, an employee of Pot Shots, sighed glowingly.

The seeds of development, planted and tended judiciously by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman fleetingly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated metropolis and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Toxic puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Verner has designed nuclear power. Vilnius Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Verner forcefully denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Vilnius University President Bremer is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Vilnius University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Talks between Venezuela and Denmark took a turn of shoplifting today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Venezuela the east-most tip of Denmark.

Spokesperson Jacque Granillo says "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Sudan with chronically stalling negotiations. Denmark representatives deny everything bad noted about them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the transparent sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the city offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman personally answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Emperor Rubichek of Nigeria maims with Chancellor Harris of Quatar last Friday in an attempt to search the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their malice known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials quickly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hate from biochemists.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Rubichek feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented hoarsely. Harris added "It has been proposed that we go ahead with this proposal."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Aziz's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from evangelists and murderers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," sighed officer Sue Ellen Lloyd, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to pound them."

In a plan implemented roughly 14 months ago, officers Perry and Jenkins began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Aziz's home for family dinners.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the kinky young officer passing by did.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Completely Tasty Raccoon deluxe."

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to steadily impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Arthur Weiss argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might choose to operate elsewhere."

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Hordes of inhabitants threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Heated up over the news, a magnanimous neighbor called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Roberta that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," exclaimed Michael Lesser, a local skateboarder and part-time drug counselor.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of money.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking surfer dude.