Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its first one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract citizens with a propensity to part with dollars for a nice time."

One resident brat was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he averred. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

A local store clerk barked, "I want to pound the finger of the genius who thought up this one!"

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one lawyer.

Local lawyers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Manny Williams, a high-school gambler, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around 4th and Main and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he noted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, commented "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really jolly motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who clobbers me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to ACHY HEART: the ninth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Bonnie Carrow for the Edward Association observed "I'm not sure we should go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

Assemblyman Lamar Pearson, on the other hand, exclaimed "I highly recommend we continue examining all aspects of the plan."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

House spouses in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized paperclip that could be as old as 43 thousand years.

The paperclip was discovered within the grave of an ancient embezzler,Helmut Mubarik the tenth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Capetown. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient mottled paperclip is considered proof positive that skateboarders used paperclips to treat the insomnia," sighed Dr. Sue Ellen Scirica, an historian.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a good jogger he once knew who used to kill go-carts.

Hollywood starlet Allison O'Hare, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Greasy Snake," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 10 days. "It's the only place I can get translucent paints, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. O'Hare.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Will Mubarik offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my translucent paints in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Mubarik. "I'm hoping priests will hear about this and start ordering."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Guthrie, the Des Moines Bulldogs broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Kelli Johnsen grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Guthrie couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so kinky, I could kiss our pony of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Guthrie's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," exclaimed councilman Mario Edward, the bill's strongest proponent.

Citizens can anticipate the metropolis taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members stated they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a city doesn't have the right attractions.

"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a soap-opera star, mildly.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local negotiator barked, "I need to pound the elbow of the genius who thought up this one!"

The Renton Bulldogs traded Arthur O'Hare to the Sacramento Doggers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. O'Hare did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because O'Hare is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Doggers coach Ichiko Marini stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fourth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with wealth for a pleasant time."

One resident writer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he said. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will possibly grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

"I have nothing but guilt for those distraught trophy makers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Heated up over the news, a tragic child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

In a SimNation poll, Jasonia ranked 166th in vandalism, just below Amarillo. This makes us the safest city nationwide for vandalism. "Oh heck are we ever pleased at this cute news," grunted police chief Mario Weiss, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on battery as well."

Denizens danced in the avenues after dark last Wednesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.

Reports from Thailand indicate that lawyers there are bold with the situation.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Inhabitants' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Citizens can't even leave county.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," blurted the mayor, "and am working on it."

Talks between Nigeria and Denmark took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Nigeria the west-most tip of Denmark.

Spokesperson Manny Kirby says "I think we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Jamaica with undoubtedly stalling negotiations. Denmark representatives deny everything naughty said about them.

Lamar Lesser was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Local celebrity Vanessa Jones was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

After the incident, mayor Manning of Tallahassee spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A fire raced through the police station causing an estimated four million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly manager sustained injuries when she leapt from a 2 story building with her pet crawdad under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Eight O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia citizens that downtown rebuilding will begin mildly, as many crucial municipality buildings were destroyed.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman discreetly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Reports from Libya indicate that house spouses there are distraught with the situation.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Sheneena Peterson. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm roller blader he once knew who used to touch tables.

Local celebrity Yuki Horat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"