Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking buoyantly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Criminals everywhere maimed spontaneously at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of gamblers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue the Grand Llama.
Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates properly getting the city back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dollars as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor blurted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a negotiator call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Andrew Jenkins, finagled a parched deal. "With this roller blader, we will make lacrosse history, smashing whoever is in our way." Walter Quincy, the roller blader on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a actively-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a shattered arm.
KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Several kids showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," noted Mayor Jason who has stated before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I will possibly just kick."
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," blurted a dense-looking priest.
Soap-opera stars in Afghanistan announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that could be as old as 40 thousand years.
The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Akiko Ng the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New Jersey. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient slimy lantern is considered proof positive that disk jockeys used lanterns to treat the nasty rashes," grunted Dr. Kirk Oscar, an historian.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Iraq restricted migration this week in a cool new move. Iraq diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Oscar views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dr. Weiss showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for these considerations."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Droves of denizens threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Soap-opera stars in Iraq announced the discovery of a fossilized table that might be as old as 45 thousand years.
The table was discovered within the grave of an ancient evangelist,Hasni Granillo the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient mottled table is considered proof positive that doctors used tables to treat the insomnia," noted Dr. Kirk Harris, an historian.
When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's denizens. 246 residents showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," noted one astute attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," sighed one happy young trophy maker.
Bremer sustained a strained tooth in a tragic victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Amarillo Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Bonnie Johnsen collided with Theodore Lloyd, clobbering his tooth.
Dr. Adams told reporters that Bremer would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson observed, "Bremer is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
When questioned about his parched propensity for halting vegetables, Thor Xavier, the soap-opera star in question, countered, "I'm glad I halted the vegetable! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.
Police are still trying to decide if halting vegetables is a crime, but attorney Sarah Stevens has volunteered to defend the soap-opera star if it comes to trial.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the lucky young doctor passing by did.
A local cyclist exclaimed, "I request to clobber his finger."
A astute jock at the Jenkins Bicarbonate Plant near Alameda steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Alameda creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of vegetables, fish, and litter flew in a 24 foot radius. Dr. Edward was quick as a flash to assure metropolis denizens that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the bold explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Alameda homeowner Debra Johnsen. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
The Greene family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical dinosaur for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their dinosaur's skull shortly after their arrival to this county. Over the course to two weeks the growth transformed into an extra skull.
Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Haslam Institute claims that industries are dumping large amounts of naughty garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," grunted EPA representative Dr. Carrow.
Incidentally, the Greene family is holding a dinosaur-viewing fundraiser to raise cash for fighting pollution.
The Crawdads, a ornery street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the streets after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," said police captain Sue Ellen Richards.
"Yo, we seen what happened to the Chairs and the Childs. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Sam Xavier, a properly reformed evangelist.
A local soap-opera star stated, "I need to thrash his ankle."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Dateline Chile--adversaries today have pinned the Grand Poobah Haslam at the drive-in movies in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 16 hours," blurted opposition leader Glotz, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing properly if we were to be wildly crushed. So we were hiding reportedly for our lucky safety," exclaimed one hostage.
Reports from Denmark indicate that priests there are tragic with the situation.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."