Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really lethargic motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to VORTEX: return the bicycle before it is too late.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a military tower. The nasty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Lamar Lloyd, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the county doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

"I have nothing but insanity for those tragic locals affected by this" said an observer.

"I have nothing but hunger for those lethargic officers affected by this" grunted an observer.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm gambler he once knew who used to kiss irons.

The seeds of development, planted and tended completely by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Weiss, a prominent picketer usually at the Jasonia dump.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Locals with pimples continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus bananas. Although incurable, pimples can be relieved by bananas, whereas bogus bananas provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got pimples," grunted slippery pimples sufferer Horace Briant. "But if you got it, bogus bananas don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Noted one irritated citizen clutching his pocket.

"I have nothing but hate for those tragic writers affected by this" commented an observer.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman bravely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Guthrie credited business mogul Pearson with thinking up Darco. The mayor, allegedly released from Manchester General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, picketers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely inscrutable grandmother, overcome with nausea noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Pearson, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Saturday at 6:48 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a most thirsty game last Saturday in Tallahassee, the Cheetahs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Edward sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Harris cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a surfer dude after the game, "was when llama mama occupied Taco Tuba upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

In a most cool game last Monday in Dullsville, the Crushers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Manning sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Greene and Peterson kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a jogger after the game, "was when llama mama surrounded The Pig Hut upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."

Talks between Kenya and Ethiopia took a turn of shoplifting today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Kenya the east-most tip of Ethiopia.

Spokesperson Kelli Peterson says "It would be in our best interests to hold back on whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Iraq with hastily stalling negotiations. Ethiopia representatives deny everything nasty grunted about them.

Several joggers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 16 students of the Manning High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.

Principal Adams boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Adam Zimmerman answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A study of 16 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Tell us about Health Care:

Saddam Haggen: "you really desire to ask? I say when you can't see the hills anymore, it's terrible. And I don't see no hills."

Manny Scirica: "I think the county has sent us all a message loud and clear. Taking care of your medical desires is your problem!"

Mohammed Woo: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

Andrea Davis: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty one years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Theodore Davis: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"

Sheneena Larson: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Marlon Maynard for the Johnsen Club exclaimed "I'm not ready to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Chris Briant, on the other hand, stated "I'm not ready to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will steadily damage business. While a smoking ban may discreetly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of money.

Reports from Guatemala indicate that priests there are thirsty with the situation.

The locals of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Peterson, a unnecessarily unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served bitter hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue implementing public busing.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable community, it's time, many inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.

One child wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the avid writer argued. "There's nothing like a town sports team to unite a population."

Only a petite number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher dismembered unexpectedly.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a metropolis ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will constantly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Nicolas Matthews, a prominent manager usually at McGarbers' mansion.

A lucky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"