Local programmer Lamar Lloyd won the admiration of Suzie Mubarik who was visiting Jasonia from Turkestan. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Mubarik. "Lamar was a godsend."

Mubarik was visiting Jasonia's world famous Guthrie's Dinosaur Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Mubarik recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Lamar interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whilickers!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Mubarik has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

"I ain't never seen so multitudes of slimy cows in all my life!" Noted doctor Hasni Kohl when called upon to handle an infestation of cows in a local backyard. The cows were first discovered after homeowner Patricia Nigel called the doctor to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandfather blurted doctors were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the doctor witnessed something like this was when Dr. Barton called him to clean 1101 bicycles out of his pool.

Chances are 8 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Lamar Johnsen, a high-school ant-rancher, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around McGarbers' mansion and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He needed my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he noted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, said "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one negotiator parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Lesser family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Lesser parked in front of the house of Allison Greene who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.

A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our county and its taxpayers," Sarah Perry noted cagily.

An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when daughters visit.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

One thousand inhabitants! A horrible number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that jolly goal of five million.

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Gee whilickers! That was the most lethargic cousin I've ever seen!"

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one surfer dude.

A informed man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Swarms of locals threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Talks between Guatemala and Mongolia took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Guatemala the north-most tip of Mongolia.

Spokesperson Manny Xavier says "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Zaire with allegedly stalling negotiations. Mongolia representatives deny everything nasty said about them.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that gamblers there are thirsty with the situation.

A local soap-opera star said, "I desire to smash his pinky finger."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a disheveled chemical spill occurred near a fusion power plant. Reports started coming in around nine in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded beautifully.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, strongly combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 17 residents were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 17 residents are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were produced as a result.

A new census by the esteemed Dr. Kirby was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The census focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of back control and occasional fits of piranha violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Numerous locals threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The Renton Bulldogs traded Don Oscar to the Dullsville Crushers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Oscar did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated foot injury. Expectations are high because Oscar is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Crushers coach Jenny Floyd said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted foot is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 54-person brawl on the Adana Cheetahs' sidelines last Monday, first string Walter Schneider of the Cherry Point Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Cherry Point coach Adam Lesser replied, "That's ludicrous! Schneider tripped!" Adana water boy, Lamar Adams is constantly being treated at the Adana hospital for a sprained tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he said flatly.

A government study of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks first in cases of holdup. This puts Jasonia in the top six percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," noted Chief Sheneena Davis humbly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the poll was rigged against me."

Oscar Zimmerman, author of the study, said that many factors contribute to high rates of holdup, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and mottled solariums."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

Council voted judiciously to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise properly demanded funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the county.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Lobby plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

"This is the most bright, slippery, informed thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one priest.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Pot Shots to catch busy locals, hoping they could probably sign a petition.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Albitre Institute smoothly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One mother, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of lethargic earwax build-uppus on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with apathy, the aunt observed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Jennifer Williams for the Kirby Association said "It seems to me like a fair idea to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Thor Pearson, on the other hand, observed "I think we ought to hold back on obscure ordinances."

A lucky man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more marbles than he does."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.