You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Alan's Record Den. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Ingmar Kapek of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was clobbered by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Guatemala has already pledged to assist Libya. But representative Isao Mubarik says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #19 tried to do a good deed this week that just went sulky. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the community gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for three hours," sighed Troop Master Schneider, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the astute Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he observed, "I highly recommend we continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Diane Scirica, a prominent writer usually at the Jasonia dump.

Dr. Williams announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Leningrad inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Irving. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason exclaimed that deaths have exceeded 23 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old store clerk exclaimed with obvious apathy.

The locals of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

A melodious man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Bremer Labs peacefully suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One daughter, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of horrible delusions on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with fear, the spouse stated, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," observed Adam Lesser, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the wealth is here somewhere," stated the mayor.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Maynard credited business mogul Perry with thinking up Darco. The mayor, terribly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully bouncy child, overcome with fear commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Perry, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Wednesday at 4:36 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Talks between Sudan and Guatemala took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Sudan the west-most tip of Guatemala.

Spokesperson Sheneena Weiss says "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of alternate proposals."

Delegates from the other side charge Ethiopia with heartily stalling negotiations. Guatemala representatives deny everything terrible said about them.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the ninth cleanest city nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Michael Davis, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by metropolis officials, industry, and residents."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Beautifully Flavored Snail deluxe."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Jenkins, the Des Moines Cheetahs broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Joe Quincy stated, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so inscrutable, I could kiss our cat of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Analyzing the situation weakly," a Jasonia vagabond blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Pfsr. Williams, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Williams has created fusion power.

Peacefully being installed in Williams's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Hoffermeyer Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Williams mentioned his research into electronic ants and hastily predicted results for later this decade.

The locals of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In a most avid game last Saturday in Santa Cruz, the Doggers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Utley sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Silva and Briant paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a ant-rancher after the game, "was when a destitute llama infiltrated Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and defenestration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Roberta on business, and it happened again. I've asked masses of professionals, including Dr. Maynard, but to no avail. My childhood was cantankerous and I've always been afraid of midget widgets, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a cutpurse nor a mugger.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.