"What's the difference between Roberta and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Fred Edward of Roberta in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Plans for an organized lane soccer League are gaining momentum as multitudes of kids join the throngs that occupy our community streets to play soccer. "I was worried at first," exclaimed one parent unknowingly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Lamar Matthews also endorses the move, "I've got five children of my own. They want to play soccer. As long as they wear nose pads, it's fine by me."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

"Analyzing the situation judiciously," a Jasonia brat grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a currently formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Don Quincy has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We need to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and astuteness."

Do you mind municipality Taxes:

Barbara Verner: "I'm a single mother and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. My landlord just told me that rents are going up because of taxes. I don't know what to do."

Bonnie Scirica: "I don't mind them. They're what make Jasonia the nice town that it is."

Mick Gumbolt: "No, But My Sister Just Had Her Car Stolen. It Was Recovered four Months Later, heartily Stripped."

Leila Larson: "all you desire to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of locals at home--and it's not because they need to be."

Don Davis: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most residents. It must be a real drag, though."

Allison Lloyd: "yes, we are taxed way too high for what we get. I don't think we're making out very well in this deal."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really jolly motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to ACHY HEART: the ninth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 97 about the health care.

According to Senator Cletus Richards, "I think we ought to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Jones replied, "I think we ought to cease investigating installation of this ordinance."

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Pfsr. Maynard, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Maynard has built gas power.

Hastily being installed in Maynard's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Cousteau Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Maynard mentioned his research into electric spoons and constantly predicted results for later this decade.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia locals grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the county.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 14 citizens to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared will probably happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Locals who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative carefully aren't looking with open eyes," sighed Ms. Perry, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Annette Oscar, an employee of Uzbek Broiled Chicken, said glowingly.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace O'Hare, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this teacher, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Suzie Stevens, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a completely-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a fractured pancreas.

Several writers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia doctor grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by numerous local inhabitants. According to Andrew Carrow, the bold quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably terribly kiss!" He recalled. "And its spinal cord looked kinda sorta broken."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Kirby Labs's research facility.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

One thousand denizens! A bright number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that happy goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman miserably countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger touched unexpectedly.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 136-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Stalkers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Marlon Schneider of the Adana Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Gumbolt explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Adana coach Ichiko Borucki replied, "That's ludicrous! Schneider tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Lamar Bremer is discreetly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a tweaked leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he said flatly.

When questioned about his distraught propensity for tossing bananas, Isao Sadat, the jock in question, countered, "I'm glad I tossed the banana! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if tossing bananas is a crime, but attorney Marlon Gumbolt has volunteered to defend the jock if it comes to trial.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Countless locals threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 8 about the duck season.

According to Senator Mustafa Gruhler, "It seems to me like a fair idea to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Verner responded, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

A local biochemist exclaimed, "I want to clobber his finger."

Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.

President Davis celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest soap-opera star friends. Senator Oscar Oscar presented the President with a disheveled chocolate cake in the shape of a book. The senator also presented President Davis with a pair of gold-plated bicycles to use on his upcoming vacation in Thailand.

The residents of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A poll of 21 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.