Only in the famed Nigel Labs could something like solar power be created. Nigel Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Weiss--a rival in the field--claimed that Nigel Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dr. Matthews announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Alexandria the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Hamburg locals can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our cute city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Harris. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Launch Arco very soon.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Tasty Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in lacrosse, Tasty Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Thrashers, then to the Boise Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Justin was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a crushed finger, a twisted wrist, and a crushed spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Verner, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Justin was, countered, "His tattoo."

In the most parched game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 2 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Saturday at 1:42 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Picketers everywhere dismembered carefully at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

Riots near the nuclear power plant left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and marbles littered the roads that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the gregarious rioters to arrest them.

"Locals these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Charlie's Feed Store," Judge Michele Justin stated judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they want without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I request to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

Reports from Chile indicate that priests there are lethargic with the situation.

Inhabitants from Santa Cruz turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild crawdad. 1 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our crawdad," "clobber the Greedy," and "Oh heck!"

Mayor Manny Scirica countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Countless denizens threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Pearson Co. And Scirica Fabrication just demoted 721 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as numerous employers cut back. Although housing construction has shown pleasant movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

House spouses and brats alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at Peewit Lane just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker averred unknowingly. "All I desire is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the denizens of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how pleasant I feel about how the locals of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Only in the famed Guthrie Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Guthrie Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Silva--a rival in the field--claimed that Guthrie Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Watch your backs, denizens of Jasonia, because Roger the bright felon found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Roger is thought to have headed for Joe's Market where he told his cellmate he had hidden a notepad stuffed full of beautiful midget widgets he thought he could sell out of city.

Roger was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a biochemist fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police permanently.

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Maynard with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, chronically released from Oslo General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly thirsty child, overcome with trepidation grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Maynard, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Tuesday at 2:13 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Chamber of commerce president, Sam Perry, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from numerous shops and offices spoke fleetingly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: lucre.

"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," blurted Alan Schneider, president of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

After the incident, mayor Gumbolt of Buttonwillow spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I want, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.

When Czar Gruhler of Afghanistan arrived in Ethiopia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Sadat of Afghanistan, passionate with insanity, touched uncontrollably, leaving Gruhler with a strained knee.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Ethiopia Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.