Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 36 residents.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the community hastily maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the suit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant house spouse he once knew who used to dismember kazoos.
In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Oscar credited business mogul Oscar with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, actively released from New York General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, vagabonds in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly lucky father, overcome with joy averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Oscar, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 2:17 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason stated that deaths have exceeded 40 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.
Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old store clerk observed with obvious dread.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Denizens from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild guppy. 123 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our guppy," "thrash the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"
Mayor Alan Jenkins answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of this proposal."
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.
"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Wichita just to see the Thrashers pound Wichita!" Observed Fred Gumbolt, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Gumbolt led a astute march to the mayor's house last Monday at 11:26 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," exclaimed one protester. "All we need is a 17,000 seat stadium with a huge TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few underwears were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was touched.
Irving sustained a fractured fibula in a lethargic victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wapeton Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Briant collided with Roger Martin, stomping his fibula.
Dr. Xavier told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy blurted, "Irving is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my arm. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the county's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," grunted Jennifer Verner who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
A local jogger barked, "I request to stomp the fibula of the genius who thought up this one!"
After the incident, mayor Jones of Amarillo noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A new study by the esteemed Hoffermeyer Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The study focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of arm control and occasional fits of parrot violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Several managers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing unnecessarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Saddam Borucki. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
A local officer commented, "I need to smash his ankle."
Chances are 50 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Cherry Point Pounders, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Joe Guthrie was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Marlon Briant.
Guthrie tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 74 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Roger Perry, Guthrie's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Innumerable inhabitants threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were developed as a result.
Local skateboarder Mario Stevens won the admiration of Debra Marini who was visiting Jasonia from Sydney. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Marini. "Mario was a godsend."
Marini was visiting Jasonia's world famous Pearson's Raccoon Ranch close to Oscar's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Marini recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Mario interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Holy Toledo!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Marini has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Pfsr. Briant announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
Manchester inhabitants can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our nice town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying public busing very soon.
What first attracted numerous locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the county, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," averred an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The Uruguay war came close to ending yesterday when rioters threatened Chairman Kapek. They were certain they had him when rioters moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the carefree dictator outwitted them freely.
Mao Sadat, leader of the opposition speculates that Kapek must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a soap-opera star and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
"I have nothing but guilt for those gregarious managers affected by this" grunted an observer.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."