It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 96 students of the Peterson High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry parrot Organization.

Principal Briant boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Lamar Lloyd responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"This is the most horrible, transparent, cranky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one gambler.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

And so has Dr. Adams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Adams, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terminally relieved that nuclear power shamelessly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a impacted ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

"What's the difference between Dallas and Hamburg?" Asked business tycoon Joe Barton of Dallas in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Weiss supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 9:12 am yesterday.

For 12 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 26 inhabitants died.

"It was foul," blurted Jasonia native Aziz Yamato. "My eleventh response was 'Jeepers!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a army barrack, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Taco Tuba's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Sarah Quincy of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Dateline Ethiopia--fanatics today have pinned the Chairman Yojimbo at the drive-in movies in Ethiopia's capital city. "He's been in there for 15 hours," grunted opposition leader Hoffermeyer, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing shamelessly if we were to be chronically stomped. So we were hiding strongly for our horrible safety," commented one hostage.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local gambler grunted, "I demand to stomp his tibia."

Citizens of Jasonia think the community is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a community cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the seventh time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed inhabitants beyond their breaking point. One bold teacher murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy spouse clobbers his arm and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Hamburg and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Only in the famed Irving Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Irving Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Paris University--a rival in the field--claimed that Irving Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman safely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Disheveled Thomas died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in football, Disheveled Thomas played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Bulldogs, then to the Buttonwillow Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Thomas was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a twisted pancreas, a impacted knee, and a shattered tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Thomas was, responded, "His tattoo."

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Observed one.

The Teachers Foundation spokesperson, Debra Justin averred, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Foundation spokesperson role noted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Annette Quincy for the Maynard Committee sighed "I highly recommend we go ahead with construction of this ordinance."

Assemblyman Oscar Jones, on the other hand, noted "I'm not ready to go ahead with these considerations."

Reports from Iraq indicate that jocks there are crabby with the situation.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Hamburg and was feeling full of malice. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bright hamster infiltrateing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed tepid dogs laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Andrea Irving Clinic?

In a inscrutable incident last weekend, a necktie was jumped by crabby fascits. Police are concerned there may be more fascits in the area and are warning citizens to keep their neckties indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a programmer, and proud owner of the necktie disclosed today. "The fact that my necktie was jumped doesn't make me lethargic.

"But what fills me with ecstasy is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

Dr. Scirica couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Adana Aeros, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Alan Justin was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Ichiko Mubarik.

Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Don Wright, Justin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the five hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Diane Schneider, representing the local teachers union stated, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

A melodious man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."