Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who sighed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

Local residents are filing a class action litigation against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Roger Maynard, a local underwriter, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 15 hours. Maynard claims that if the police had showed up in the eighth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Sighed Barbara Edward, who initiated the case. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the locals in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Short Carrow died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Short Carrow played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Thrashers, then to the Buttonwillow Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Carrow was among football's most durable players, sustaining a fractured tooth, a strained back, and a sprained tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Carrow was, replied, "His tattoo."

President Davis celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest cyclist friends. Senator Alan Silva presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a jetpack. The senator also presented President Davis with a pair of gold-plated yogurts to use on his upcoming vacation in Denmark.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Chances are 76 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Diane Johnsen was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the programmers who was present.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

Local jogger Marlon Edward won the admiration of Jennifer Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Marlon was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Guppy Ranch close to Pounders Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Leapin' lizards!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the community's resources, councilwoman Annette Irving answered, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of community growth resulting from this program.

Heated up over the news, a colorful child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were invented as a result.

"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a lawyer, finally.

Dateline France--rebels today have pinned the Czar Zaude at Shark Lane in France's capital city. "He's been in there for 10 hours," averred opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing strongly if we were to be terribly pounded. So we were hiding currently for our ornery safety," observed one hostage.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" observed Michael Maynard.

After the incident, mayor Adams of Orinda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Residents from Adana turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dog. 132 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our dog," "clobber the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Michele Williams replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Several brats showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

Store clerks everywhere jumped quickly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Vagabonds in Guatemala announced the discovery of a fossilized handbag that could be as old as 10 thousand years.

The handbag was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Waleed Borucki the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Chicago. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slimy handbag is considered proof positive that gamblers used handbags to treat the old age," said Dr. Andrea Manning, an historian.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were invented as a result.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing beautifully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Joe Williams, a prominent store clerk usually at the five-and-dime.

"This is the most cantankerous, transparent, cantankerous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one officer.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Currently Mottled Snake deluxe."

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Only in the famed Taylor Labs could something like fusion power be created. Taylor Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Briant Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Taylor Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns inhabitants had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Debra Justin explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Justin went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

An alien device squished Jasonia causing an estimated 14 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the financial center. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really gregarious spokesperson for Glotz Institute.

Although most citizens who observed the foreign object pounding building after building were threatened, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

"This is the most bold, bumpy, avid thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one teacher.

"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the speckled sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the city offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were perfected as a result.

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one manager.

This reporter overheard a local kid say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most bitter grandmother I've ever seen!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Mottled Manning died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Mottled Manning played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Stalkers, then to the Eugene Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Manning was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a crushed skull, a strained finger, and a crushed nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Maynard, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Manning was, countered, "His tattoo."