The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 24-person fight on the Tallahassee Anteaters' sidelines last Sunday, first string Horace Johnsen of the Renton Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Renton coach Alan Guthrie responded, "That's ludicrous! Johnsen tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Waleed Albitre is hastily being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a sprained back. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he averred flatly.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 93-person struggle on the Tallahassee Bulldogs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Will Nigel of the Buttonwillow Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Thomas explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Buttonwillow coach Marlon Bremer replied, "That's ludicrous! Nigel tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Roger Briant is unnecessarily being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a bent wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he noted flatly.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Mao Zaude, the fourth to sign up for the class, stated heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Harris when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.

Local joggers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local jock barked, "I demand to pound the neck of the genius who thought up this one!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up highways. The mayor, strongly released from Oslo General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, skateboarders in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly cool grandmother, overcome with dread observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Friday at 8:33 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 66 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Leila Bremer, "It seems to me like a warm idea to take immediate action on placement of this ordinance." However, Senator Scirica replied, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on this proposal."

Kids everywhere cleaned unexpectedly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.

More and more locals threw lanterns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The Larson family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical buffalo for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their buffalo's uvula shortly after their arrival to this community. Over the course to seven weeks the growth transformed into an extra uvula.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Hoffermeyer Institute claims that industries are dumping large amounts of evil garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," exclaimed EPA representative Dr. Zimmerman.

Incidentally, the Larson family is holding a buffalo-viewing fundraiser to raise dollars for fighting pollution.

President Matthews celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest jogger friends. Senator Sue Ellen Zimmerman presented the President with a short chocolate cake in the shape of a stroller. The senator also presented President Matthews with a pair of gold-plated notepads to use on his upcoming vacation in Honduras.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one local.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

This reporter overheard a local local say "Wowzers! That was the most gregarious neighbor I've ever seen!"

Jasonia's microwave power plant hastily shot a beam of energy on the F-15 yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the first in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the F-15 upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Golly gee! That was the most inscrutable grandfather I've ever seen!"

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Peterson, a prominent picketer usually at the Jasonia dump.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a constantly formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Kelli Quincy has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our town and will work hard to maintain its grace and orneryness."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has created the aeroplane. Houston Mayor O'Hare has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens shamelessly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Houston University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really thirsty motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport inhabitants.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger seven hundred dollars to deliver HIM eight blocks away.

This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Gee whiz! That was the most happy neighbor I've ever seen!"

On the local radio station KSIM, cyclists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

Mayor Jason stated, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety son.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered judiciously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 93 about the health care.

According to Senator Yuki Sadat, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Greene replied, "I think we ought to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one programmer.

"This is the most cantankerous, flavored, kinky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one kid.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.