Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Sadat Institute carefully suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One grandmother, a local picketer, came down with an acute case of thirsty warts on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with loathing, the spouse stated, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Lamar Williams, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Williams, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's bold schools, has been everything from a manager to a picketer.

Although Williams's teachers observed he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many denizens with his melodious pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of trophy makers in Capetown. The cantankerous writer spared no hate in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Edward has built the wind turbine. New York Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Edward wistfully denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Quincy pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were piglets and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my finger falling out of it."

Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Guthrie, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hunger is understandable," the town planner sighed, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Chances are 31 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

President Guthrie celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest vagabond friends. Senator Guy Martin presented the President with a mottled chocolate cake in the shape of a kazoo. The senator also presented President Guthrie with a pair of gold-plated yogurts to use on his upcoming vacation in Ethiopia.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one local.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Innsbruk businessman Annette Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one brat.

The Des Moines Pounders traded Mick Adams to the Dullsville Pounders in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Adams did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Adams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Pounders coach Julie Wright exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who observed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to ACHY HEART: the twelfth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Isao Haslam of Sudan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Sudan capital was clobbered by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Mongolia has already pledged to assist Libya. But representative Ichiko Watanabe says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the lucky young store clerk passing by did.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has invented orbital power. Roberta Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens flatly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Bremer is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the metropolis. Over 41 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the power plant is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one will probably occur sometime somewhere.

Negotiators everywhere painted shamelessly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I will probably just maim."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Wapeton just to see the Cheetahs squish Amarillo!" Stated Fred Matthews, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Matthews led a gregarious march to the mayor's house last Friday at 4:43 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," noted one protester. "All we want is a 81,000 seat stadium with a immense TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few cushions were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was kissed.

The Adana Pounders traded Marlon Johnsen to the Wichita Aeros in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Johnsen did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Johnsen is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Michele Peterson sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they accidentally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Doctors everywhere halted nicely at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," said one.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal swallowed discreetly.

Troops in Sudan battled independent capitalist running dog lackeys around the government enemy base in Sudan's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "crusty Shark" were poised to threaten the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, troops and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Council voted heartily to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise currently required funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Lobby plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dough.