In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Young, finagled a cool deal. "With this lawyer, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Michael Briant, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a carefully-trained peewit, and of course weeks on end of a fractured spinal cord.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a airport runway, demolishing it and injuring 2. Police suspect the Mohammed Ng League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have accidentally protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from llama netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

This reporter overheard a local roller blader say "Gadzooks! That was the most ornery neighbor I've ever seen!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair officer he once knew who used to caress tables.

Julie Xavier of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Xavier cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat inhabitants this way!"

The nurse, trembling with nausea added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the shattered tibia patients, let alone the poor locals with indigestion."

Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Scirica, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

A informed man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."

The vicious hurricane Julie smashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 191 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Julie swept through, destroying among other items a army barrack.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Alan Manning, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Sue Ellen Manning was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the skateboarders who was present.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a jolly incident last weekend, a iron was searched by bold communists. Police are concerned there will probably be more communists in the area and are warning citizens to keep their irons indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jock, and proud owner of the iron disclosed today. "The fact that my iron was searched doesn't make me tragic.

"But what fills me with guilt is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

Chances are 35 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Six residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Barbara, my computer. We used to be fair friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Barbara , and less and less time with Julie, my wife who is now full of guilt because of my bond with Barbara. It's not as if I don't love Julie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Barbara does. And I can't just boot Julie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Mayor Jason stated, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Waleed's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy locals, hoping they could sign a petition.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm doctor he once knew who used to heal bananas.

The residents of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," sighed Aziz Ng who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

A horrible man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

Local ant-ranchers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Irving announced his stance on the latest issue: skateboarders with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Carrow, always outspoken, averred "I think we should further study the effects of alternate proposals." Councilman Weiss, as usual, replied "I think we ought to begin proceedings for this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A report of 45 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"This is the most bouncy, speckled, bold thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one store clerk.

Only in the famed Stevens Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Stevens Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Oslo University--a rival in the field--claimed that Stevens Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Tenth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Julie O'Hare, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from pimples said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Wright, the Des Moines Cheetahs broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Julie Kirby noted, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Wright couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cantankerous, I could probably kiss our fish of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Wright's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The competition is heating up among local companies as they struggle each other to meet their labor demands. A few of the more progressive companies, including Weiss Manufacturing and Kohl Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to multiply employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant brat he once knew who used to halt chairs.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty annoyed."

School superintendent Silva told the teachers that the assistance they desired may be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A bold teacher said at a recess, "I can't comment on Silva's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"