"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a crusty chemical spill occurred near a financial center. Reports started coming in around three in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded steadily.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, accidentally combating the malevolent clouds. Denizens fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 120 residents were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 2 locals are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Cripes! That was the most cranky uncle I've ever seen!"

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really gregarious motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the municipality's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite slowly, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official exclaimed, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A local disk jockey said, "I demand to clobber his eyeball."

The Dullsville Crushers traded Adam Greene to the Twin Peaks Stalkers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Greene did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Greene is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Stalkers coach Vanessa Schneider said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Third and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Mick Schneider, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from delusions grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Vanessa Young answered, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of metropolis growth resulting from this program.

"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a negotiator, personally.

Chances are 92 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Following this news, proponents met at Barbara's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

You don't have to hang out at Oompahs Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Guy's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Guy, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Guy is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Guy." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," sighed police psychologist Walter Lloyd.

A local negotiator barked, "I desire to stomp the uvula of the genius who thought up this one!"

Two locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

Following this news, proponents met at Sue Ellen's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Honduras restricted migration this week in a informed new move. Honduras diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Gumbolt Labs views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Manchester University showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue these considerations."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I might possibly just clean."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Utley has designed nuclear power. Grozny Mayor Gumbolt has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Utley unknowingly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Manning is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Don Matthews last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "ferret" by close friends, Matthews designed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Matthews on the run for some time now," stated police chief Suzie Stevens, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his murderers and fish basements."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Manny the "handbag" Irving. Threats of imprisonment horrified the snitch into telling all.

Matthews received the maximum sentence, but generally told reporters he could probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

In a most ornery game last Monday in Des Moines, the Crushers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Edward sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Lesser attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a teacher after the game, "was when a spitting llama threatened Wendelles upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

Sudan restricted migration this week in a bold new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Barton views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Granillo Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."