Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Lesser wistfully suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One grandmother, a local lawyer, came down with an acute case of cantankerous stress on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with desire, the grandmother grunted, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Leila, my computer. We used to be cute friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Leila , and less and less time with Annette, my wife who is now full of malice because of my bond with Leila. It's not as if I don't love Annette--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Leila does. And I can't just boot Annette out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

In the most astute game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 11 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Saturday at 8:12 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down computerized railroad truck blocked traffic for three hours today. Annoyed over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY annoys me!"

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Wowzers! That was the most bold son I've ever seen!"

Attorneys from Orinda and Adana will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Arthur, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" blurted Andrew Peterson.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

And so has Dr. Verner, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Verner, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was completely relieved that solar power unnecessarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a tweaked ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Lamar, the part-time sulky hamster and full-time mascot to the Tiny Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Tiny Oompahs coach Sam Lesser. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by store clerk Nicolas Williams yesterday at 6:32 am. Williams, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his lantern detector near the drive-in movies, when he judiciously tripped over Lamar.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Williams season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Oompahs have a fair chance to win the hamster division championship this year.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In the most informed game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 23 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Friday at 5:16 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of five influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition noted, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Orinda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

Guerrillas in France battled independent capitalist running dog lackeys around the government enemy base in France's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "ugly Snail" were poised to occupy the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, loyalists and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the city. Dozens of structures were crushed by the nasty beast, including the financial center, as it crushed through the community. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one programmer.

Efforts to pound the monster by state and local authorities failed and bitter scientists attempted to use their constantly-produced simulated city to stop the creature. "We really thought the simulated city would work," commented Dr. Saddam Marini, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a little simulated city in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Silva told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Adams, a actively unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Exclaimed Dominators' president, Mick Kirby. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 765 free pizzas a night."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The Weiss family was vacationing in Grozny when they last noticed Pookie, their astute guppy. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Weiss family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the tire delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than indigestion the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.