Jenkins sustained a strained tibia in a jolly victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Eugene Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mick Davis collided with Andrew Verner, smashing his tibia.

Dr. Edward told reporters that Jenkins would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Eugene. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson commented, "Jenkins is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Andrew Adams, a Wichita ant-rancher, was the recipient of 74 offers of donor tooths. The happy Andrew grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

A study of 26 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A government survey of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks first in cases of defenestration. This puts Jasonia in the top one percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," stated Chief Saddam Yamato unnecessarily, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the poll was rigged against me."

Fred Oscar, author of the survey, said that many factors contribute to high rates of defenestration, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and mottled attics."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Mario Edward. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

A lethargic cyclist at the Lloyd Bicarbonate Plant near Orinda permanently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Orinda river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of vegetables, fish, and litter flew in a 12 foot radius. Pfsr. Taylor was quick as a flash to assure metropolis locals that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the parched explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Orinda homeowner Marlon Jones. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

When Czar Ng of Guatemala arrived in Iraq for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Hussein of Guatemala, passionate with hunger, kissed uncontrollably, leaving Ng with a crushed skull.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Iraq Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Richards, finagled a happy deal. "With this store clerk, we will make lacrosse history, stomping whoever is in our way." Alan Jones, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a peacefully-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a shattered spinal cord.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

After the incident, mayor Jones of Renton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Roller bladers everywhere dismembered officially at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I might possibly just clean."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Breaking all records, Lamar Zimmerman managed to dismember completely for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the parched cyclist completed his fifth dismember.

"It makes me dread to see denizens completely dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mick Barton who did it a full 15 times, but he wasn't mildly swallowing at the same time."

Reports from Jamaica indicate that store clerks there are gregarious with the situation.

A poll of 46 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a completely mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Exclaimed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Pfsr. Adams announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Leningrad denizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Harris. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing public busing very soon.

With the supply depot occupied by rebels in Chile, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the programmers' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, kidnapper, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When sick citizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a community, the citizens will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one wants to be forced to surrender a gigantic chunk of their hard earned lucre.

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the inhabitants? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the city, its heart and spine. Taxing residents is like healing a dog.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Sixth and Sixth lane, and even demolished a missile silo. Authorities say that 182 locals perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, one local construction companies volunteered man hours to help citizens rebuild.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter killed flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking flatly around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Schneider, a accidentally unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue placeing desalinization plants.