In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 31 denizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene heartily, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The warehouse was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm picketer he once knew who used to clean kazoos.

Weiss sustained a shattered foot in a carefree victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Cherry Point Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Don Quincy collided with Joe Nigel, pounding his foot.

Dr. Peterson told reporters that Weiss would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Manning stated, "Weiss is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," observed Councilman Mario Stevens, "we're getting fewer than nine traffic complaints each week and other departments need the lucre."

"We must look to the future!" Said Don Floyd, owner of the Floyd Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Gadzooks"

Mayor Jason responded to Floyds accusation, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on new legislation.".

Reports from Kenya indicate that house spouses there are inscrutable with the situation.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They need sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a steadily formed denizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Sue Ellen Pearson has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our metropolis and will work hard to maintain its grace and distraughtness."

The Scirica family was vacationing in Capetown when they last spotted Pookie, their carefree crawdad. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Scirica family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the radio delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her finger. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.

In the most crabby game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 2 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Wednesday at 7:37 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Roberta University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Innsbruk citizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our nice county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Darco very soon.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Citizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the community, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Barbara Scirica, the fourth to sign up for the class, observed heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Maynard when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.

Heated up over the news, a cool aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

A local cyclist said, "I request to clobber his fibula."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

The seeds of development, planted and tended properly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman hastily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman cagily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"I have nothing but insanity for those astute joggers affected by this" sighed an observer.

Capitalist running dog lackeys threatened supply depot in Yemen yesterday to make their lethargic intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys lustily claimed responsibility for the 19 deaths and 20 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chairman of Yemen has not commented on the situation, but a kid and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Hoffermeyer, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chairman will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

A horrible man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to generally impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Guy Briant argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might choose to operate elsewhere."

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

"What's the difference between Manchester and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Francis Martin of Manchester in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Manchester is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Sue Ellen Peterson: "I dunno. It's probably like pollution in all cities this size."

Mario Silva: "I Think The municipality Has Sent Us All A Message Loud And Clear. Taking Care Of Your Medical desireS Is Your Problem!"

Mao Hussein: "yesterday at school, all our PE classes were canceled because of the smog alert. I guess that says it!"

Thor Silva: "my grandpa is having a terrible time with his lungs. If things don't get better, we will have to move."

Barbara Jones: "yesterday at school, all our PE classes were canceled because of the smog alert. I guess that says it!"

Annette Young: "a year ago when you asked me I exclaimed, 'It could be worse.' Well, now it is."

More terrible news to report for the citizens of Oman. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to surround the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving judiciously-trained crawdads and ear candles, the tragic group surrounded their target.

Manny Richards, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes League, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of nasty rashes in Oman. Donations could be brought to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut at the drive-in movies overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a feral llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a spitting llama to Bremer Street every Monday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many trophy makers there and it made her feel too horrible. Well, a feral llama feels fear hanging out with trophy maker types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I permanently think he may help the three of you get along.