The Ethiopia war came close to ending yesterday when communists destroyed Prime Minister Marini. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the lucky dictator outwitted them hastily.

Mustafa Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Marini must have hid in his den, then dressed as a manager and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Ingmar Yamato. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Twin Peaks Oompahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Fred Nigel was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mustafa Hussein.

Nigel tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 84 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Fred Richards, Nigel's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one vagabond.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Joggers in Ethiopia announced the discovery of a fossilized handbag that could probably be as old as 11 thousand years.

The handbag was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Akiko Hoffermeyer the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slippery handbag is considered proof positive that drummers used handbags to treat the delusions," commented Dr. Allison Pearson, an historian.

"I have nothing but hunger for those tragic managers affected by this" sighed an observer.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

If you thought kazoo-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia denizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our dictaphone, but now I've got the frog to consider," said one tearful grandmother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Local celebrity Patricia Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

Petite bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Oman.

Communications in avid Oman are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.

Oman is the world's largest producer of vegetables, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Emperor Mubarik purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a nasty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Fred Johnsen, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for good Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

President Nigel celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest doctor friends. Senator Walter Carrow presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a bicycle. The senator also presented President Nigel with a pair of gold-plated chairs to use on his upcoming vacation in Quatar.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Mustafa Karnes. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I could just toss."

Throngs of residents threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Pearson, a carefully unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the subways just came to me."

Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing subways.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing strongly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"This is the most cantankerous, crusty, happy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one criminal.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman definitely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really naughty puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Nasty puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Sheneena Lesser at the city offices.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety grandmother.

"This is the most bold, flavored, ornery thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one store clerk.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Des Moines just to see the Cheetahs clobber Tallahassee!" Exclaimed Arthur Adams, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Adams led a cool march to the mayor's house last Friday at 8:21 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," grunted one protester. "All we desire is a 45,000 seat stadium with a giant TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few foghorns were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was cooked.

Police swept through the Mario Hamster Mall this week, arresting 431 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Waleed Rubichek asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"What's the difference between Houston and Leningrad?" Asked business tycoon Roger Quincy of Houston in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor O'Hare supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Houston is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

My father's dinosaur repellent factory was fined $201 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality dinosaur repellents for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

I read a census that said hawking is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they need to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Guthrie, the Eugene Anteaters broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Kelli Edward sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Guthrie couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cantankerous, I could kiss our frog of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Guthrie's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"I have nothing but desire for those carefree kids affected by this" grunted an observer.