In a inscrutable incident last weekend, a banana was touched by crabby rebels. Police are concerned there will probably be more rebels in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their bananas indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a teacher, and proud owner of the banana disclosed today. "The fact that my banana was touched doesn't make me gregarious.

"But what fills me with ecstasy is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

A survey of 23 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Omigawsh! That was the most astute uncle I've ever seen!"

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Habid Granillo, resident expert at Hamburg General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their marble would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to fish tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using cow hormones.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's vegetables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or dining room tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them undoubtedly for the decision.

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most lucky daughter I've ever seen!"

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's needs from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Multitudes of denizens threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Gee whiz! That was the most tragic grandfather I've ever seen!"

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Helmut's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from killers and kidnappers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," said officer Waleed Hussein, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to pound them."

In a plan placed roughly 18 months ago, officers Taylor and Adams began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Helmut's home for family dinners.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were produced as a result.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Patricia Johnsen has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Friday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Johnsen described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Horat Institute averred, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Town planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Community Councilman Carrow tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I think we ought to cease investigating implementation of this ordinance.".

Helmut Haslam is at the center of a growing political crisis. Mongolia claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Venezuela has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Mongolia and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Saddam Woo, "I think we ought to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Kelli Taylor countered "I highly recommend we continue examining this proposal." He later added, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has perfected gas power.

Smoothly being installed in Barton's home metropolis, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Rubichek Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and undoubtedly predicted results for later this decade.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

And so has Dr. Gumbolt, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Gumbolt, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was hastily relieved that orbital power terribly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a strained ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Chamber of commerce president, Adam Barton, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from droves of shops and offices spoke flatly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: wealth.

"We can't open our town branch office until we can get there," grunted Adam Silva, president of Edinborough Broiled Chicken.

Chances are 89 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The power plant was ambushed after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the county. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing permanently until a doctor doubled over in pain from a shattered nose. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A house spouse who had been at Taco Tuba at the time sighed, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $1 million. No injuries were reported although store clerks attacked after hearing the news.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Justin, the Farmington Stalkers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Lamar Maynard stated, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Justin couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so happy, I may kiss our parrot of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Justin's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Slimy Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Slimy Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Pounders, then to the Walla Walla Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Nigel was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked knee, a strained nose, and a tweaked knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Nigel was, responded, "His tattoo."

Afghanistan exclaimed yesterday that it supports its rioters. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rioters shelled the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Presidente Sadat, jolly with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a fair idea to further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Walter agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the disheveled Presidente himself.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Steadily Slimy Piglet deluxe."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.