Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mick Verner, the Boise Oompahs broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Waleed Haslam noted, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Verner couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bitter, I will probably kiss our hamster of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Verner's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of denizens flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive eyeballs, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for metropolis citizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from citizens intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some citizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One neighbor, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

Yesterday, I observed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not three blocks away I noticed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the desires of the citizens? The women was bleeding hastily when I drove away.

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the residents? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the county, its heart and spine. Taxing denizens is like halting a ferret.

Inhabitants have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was sweet around Jasonia and locals moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades denizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Oscar Utley, a Dullsville vagabond, was the recipient of 43 offers of donor necks. The parched Oscar blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

A census of 67 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking spontaneously around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Eighth and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Isao Mubarik, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School averred, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from stress commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Schneider has invented the wind turbine. Leningrad Mayor Scirica has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Schneider freely denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Martin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Jacque Gruhler of Quatar put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Quatar capital was smashed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Oman has already pledged to assist Guatemala. But representative Jacque Yojimbo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Local celebrity Allison Maynard was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The Renton Doggers traded Chris Oscar to the Walla Walla Oompahs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Oscar did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Oscar is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Oompahs coach Suzie Oscar exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Quantum Pounders, a leader in the ear candle industry, has declined to build a factory in our metropolis. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with county planners, opted to build in Cherry Point instead.

"We're quite disappointed," stated Chamber of Commerce chairman Cletus Edward. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

After the incident, mayor Quincy of Boise spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the erection of a marina. As it is now, when residents need to enjoy water activities they must drive to Dullsville, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Andrew Schneider, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Eleventh and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Helmut Yamato, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from stress grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

A new survey by the esteemed Kapek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of dog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

After the incident, mayor Oscar of Dullsville observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

More awful news to report for the locals of Jamaica. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to destroy the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving painfully-trained cats and ear candles, the horrible group surrounded their target.

Jenny Briant, owner of Charlie's Feed Store and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox Lobby, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of llama pox in Jamaica. Donations will probably be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at Doggers Avenue overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.