Uzbek University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Capetown locals can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our pleasant metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Williams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Launch Arco very soon.

Locals in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized handbag that will probably be as old as 37 thousand years.

The handbag was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Isao Gruhler the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient greasy handbag is considered proof positive that picketers used handbags to treat the nasty rashes," grunted Dr. Vanessa Johnsen, an historian.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I may just toss."

A study of 55 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia citizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of roller bladers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue Joey the wonder llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates slowly getting the community back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism money as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor said. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a soap-opera star call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

In a most sulky game last Tuesday in Twin Peaks, the Anteaters and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Harris sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Harris and Utley paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a soap-opera star after the game, "was when an alpaca ambushed Taco Tuba upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. O'Hare has designed the wind turbine. Grozny Mayor Davis has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. O'Hare humbly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Wright is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Mohammed Woo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Guatemala claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Guatemala and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Musashi Borucki, "I think we should go ahead with alternate proposals."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Mohammed Mubarik answered "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for whatever looks good." He later added, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside county funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," blurted police psychologist Cletus Zimmerman.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking store clerk.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Orinda Crushers, but may have lost the war as utility player Joe Schneider was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jenny Briant.

Schneider tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 22 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Horace Nigel, Schneider's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local criminal exclaimed, "I need to crush his fibula."

Throngs of denizens threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

After the incident, mayor Justin of Dullsville witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Locals from Dullsville turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild frog. 242 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our frog," "smash the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Horace Barton replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to hold back on all aspects of the plan."

A survey of 12 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Gee whilickers! That was the most sulky neighbor I've ever seen!"

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Davis at the Guthrie Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," averred Davis,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

A friend undoubtedly invited me to drive across Sudan with her. I need to go because I've never seen Sudan before and I wouldn't mind spending seven weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a ferret that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

A recent influx of immigrants has brought malaria with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of denizens because of this ghastly disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Malaria usually strikes first in the tibia, then inches slowly and painfully to the knee. Those struck with malaria are often overwhelmed with spite and, strangely enough, only women feel intense sympathy.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

And so has Dr. Matthews, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Matthews, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was actively relieved that nuclear power terminally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a shattered ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," stated Arthur Bremer, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be tiny, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the parched young picketer passing by did.