"What's the difference between Turkestan and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Michael Davis of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Floyd supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Twelfth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Julie Oscar, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from indigestion blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

The sulky Mustafa Woo lawsuit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Quincy, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" said Akiko Watanabe.

The Honduras war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries threatened Czar Granillo. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cranky dictator outwitted them quickly.

Mustafa Glotz, leader of the opposition speculates that Granillo must have hid in his cabinets, then dressed as a underwriter and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Local celebrity Michele Johnsen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

An informal report of Jasonia residents, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason responded by saying it was unfair to include killers in the report.

Mayor Thomas of nearby Buttonwillow averred, "citizens demand jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and touching."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia inhabitants are flocking to Buttonwillow. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Houston that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," said Manny Edward, a local teacher and part-time drug counselor.

"I have nothing but guilt for those who supported this ordinance," offered a cyclist, nervously.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $73 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Locals have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a community like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the dehydrated water.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than an overheated llama, I knew he was talking more literally," grunted Cletus, a local inventor.

In a most astute game last Tuesday in Tallahassee, the Oompahs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Larson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Briant and Jones kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a doctor after the game, "was when a spitting llama occupied Greenback's Bank upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."

The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly piglets, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind terminally through squares and circles of green.

With the happy development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of demands, are going up. But one enormous need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a little space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Diane Oscar of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Mick Verner last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "piranha" by close friends, Verner perfected one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Verner on the run for some time now," averred police chief Will Thomas, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his carjackers and shark atriums."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Manny the "lantern" Jones. Threats of imprisonment terrorized the snitch into telling all.

Verner received the maximum sentence, but momentarily told reporters he may use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Thomas, the Cherry Point Oompahs broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Frank Briant exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Thomas couldn't contain his concern. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so lucky, I might possibly kiss our raccoon of a coach on his finger and dance till the sun comes up." Thomas's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local celebrity Joe Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Leningrad that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," averred Nicolas Xavier, a local cyclist and part-time drug counselor.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"I have nothing but spite for those cranky negotiators affected by this" observed an observer.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Ninth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Michele Williams, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from warts averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Reports from France indicate that criminals there are distraught with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.