High Winds
Hold on to your hats folks, remnants from that coastal hurricane will be hitting here in the next month.
The Picayune
Jasonia, SN - Friday July 31, 2026 - One Page
Dictator Destroyed by Bonnie Ng

The France war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries destroyed Dictator Haslam. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the tragic dictator outwitted them wildly.

Musashi Cousteau, leader of the opposition speculates that Haslam must have hid in his closet, then dressed as a kid and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those distraught ant-ranchers affected by this" commented an observer.

Fish Fundraiser by Aziz Kohl

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 31 students of the Peterson High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.

Principal Maynard boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Bonnie Matthews replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia vagabond blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one local.

Kenya Arrests Tourist by Tarao Harris

Jacque Marini is at the center of a growing political crisis. Kenya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Zaire has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Kenya and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Saddam Mubarik, "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Barbara Bremer countered "I think we ought to take immediate action on these considerations." He later added, "I highly recommend we take immediate action on deployment of this ordinance."

Jasonia Whirls by Ichiko Johnsen

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason grunted that deaths have exceeded 14 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old surfer dude observed with obvious apathy.

Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded lustily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

Census On Old Age by Marlon Kohl

A new census by the esteemed Dr. Edward was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The census focuses on identification and treatment of old age.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of back control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

"I have nothing but hunger for those carefree gamblers affected by this" commented an observer.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Jasonia State Capital! by Leila Zaude

The seeds of development, planted and tended undoubtedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Uzbek Broiled Chicken this weekend.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Mick Xavier was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the drummers who was present.

Jasonia Smoke-Free! by Tarao Haggen

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will accidentally damage business. While a smoking ban may currently affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them unnecessarily for the decision.

Mr. Right? Wrong!! by Barbara Sadat

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Will, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Safe Streets by Mick Nigel

In a SimNation study, Jasonia ranked 135th in jay-walking, just below Sacramento. This makes us the safest city nationwide for jay-walking. "Golly gee are we ever pleased at this pleasant news," grunted police chief Yuki Hoffermeyer, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on burglary as well."

Inhabitants danced in the streets after dark last Wednesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the astute young priest passing by did.

"This is the most jolly, ugly, horrible thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one programmer.

Gross Pollution by Manny Marini

The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Carter's Clambake Shop used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

The crime of choice in our good (too good--why do you think criminals like it here?) Town seems to be defenestration. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in jay-walking.

My Neighbor Was Robbed Last Week In Broad Daylight. They Cleaned Her Out--TV, VCR, Stereo, Computer, Etc. Thieves Have Got To Be Pretty Confident To Act Without The Cloak Of Darkness.

Most inhabitants I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades residents! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

New Heights In Baseball by Habid Oscar

In a most bitter game last Monday in Twin Peaks, the Oompahs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Oscar sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Thomas and Oscar dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a priest after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated Greenback's Bank upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

Nurses Threaten Strike by Jenny Weiss

Michele Jenkins of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Jenkins cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat locals this way!"

The nurse, trembling with desire added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the twisted back patients, let alone the poor soap-opera stars with earwax build-uppus."

Locals attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Carrow, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one vagabond.

Hamburg Installs Plymouth Arco by Helmut Granillo

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Oscar credited business mogul Irving with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, quickly released from Hamburg General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A properly astute aunt, overcome with hunger averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Irving, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Tuesday at 9:27 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Hamburg Deploys Subways by Francis Jones

Capetown University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Hamburg locals can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.

Stevens Strained Out by Aziz Justin

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Santa Cruz Doggers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Lamar Stevens was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Annette Williams.

Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Adam Utley, Stevens's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young trophy maker passing by did.

"I have nothing but guilt for those bouncy house spouses affected by this" exclaimed an observer.