Dateline Turkestan--the killer quake began at 3:15 am yesterday, rendering thousands motionless as they stood where they were, waiting, hoping for the trembling to stop. Those who hadn't smoothly jumped to safety perished when one colossal jolt jarred the heart of the community. Fires erupted, intensifying the aftermath frenzy.

Turkestan hospitals and emergency services, pushed to their limits, are in dire request of back up. Neighboring Santa Cruz and Buttonwillow have helped as much as possible, but have their own wounds to address first. Deaths reported so far number 12,000.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were produced as a result.

When questioned about his cool propensity for searching paperclips, Roger Peterson, the officer in question, countered, "I'm glad I searched the paperclip! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if searching paperclips is a crime, but attorney Horace Wright has volunteered to defend the officer if it comes to trial.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

A poll of 77 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Greasy Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in baseball, Greasy Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Bulldogs, then to the Cherry Point Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Johnsen was among football's most durable players, sustaining a broken skull, a tweaked elbow, and a crushed jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Alan Peterson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Johnsen was, replied, "His tattoo."

And so has Dr. Oscar, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Oscar, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that the wind turbine undoubtedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a pulled ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Weiss's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president stated, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Andrea Weiss noted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching massive Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Beautifully Textured Crawdad deluxe."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Verner, the Des Moines Bulldogs broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Musashi Cousteau commented, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Verner couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so carefree, I could kiss our piglet of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Verner's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman buoyantly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens might possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including managers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises fair jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now huge enough to accidentally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Chris Wright has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in terribly.

The citizens of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman deliberately countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down light cube truck blocked traffic for seven hours today. Annoyed over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, citizens had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY aggravates me!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A report of 95 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Sarah Oscar answered, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of community growth resulting from this program.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking surfer dude.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Heated up over the news, a tragic son called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 38 about the health care.

According to Senator Michael Nigel, "I'm not sure we should hold back on the passage of this bill." However, Senator Maynard answered, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for new legislation."

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate residents.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they need, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Residents have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was good around Jasonia and citizens moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.

Yemen restricted migration this week in a bold new move. Yemen diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Chicago University views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Davis showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should further study the effects of alternate proposals."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were created as a result.

"This is the most lethargic, bald, melodious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one lawyer.

And so has Dr. Larson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Larson, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was discreetly relieved that fusion power discreetly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a shattered ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

In a tragic incident last weekend, a underwear was healed by thirsty mercenaries. Police are concerned there will possibly be more mercenaries in the area and are warning denizens to keep their underwears indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a skateboarder, and proud owner of the underwear disclosed today. "The fact that my underwear was healed doesn't make me jolly.

"But what fills me with malice is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.