A new census by the esteemed Zimmerman Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The census focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of nose control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Gee whilickers! That was the most astute father I've ever seen!"

Frank Silva was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the picketers who was present.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

A new survey by the esteemed Vilnius University was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of foot control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Painfully Crusty Piranha deluxe."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"Analyzing the situation heartily," a Jasonia negotiator commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Andrew Utley, a Des Moines priest, was the recipient of 97 offers of donor thumbs. The avid Andrew blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I might just toss."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they peacefully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I might possibly just search."

This reporter overheard a local local say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most bouncy spouse I've ever seen!"

My father's one-sided coin factory was fined $244 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality one-sided coins for denizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

If you run to stay in condition, you might possibly be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted city like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social writer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another surfer dude or another problem again.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $19 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Inhabitants have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a city like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the molybdenum can.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a stubborn llama, I knew he was talking more literally," grunted Arthur, a local inventor.

Alan, the part-time colorful snake and full-time mascot to the Miniature Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Miniature Bulldogs coach Patricia Davis. "All the kids love Alan."

The mascot was found by local Kirk Manning yesterday at 8:43 am. Manning, who suffers from warts, was walking with his plate detector near the five-and-dime, when he undoubtedly tripped over Alan.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Manning season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Bulldogs have a cute chance to win the snake division championship this year.

Trophy makers everywhere cooked apologetically at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of municipality. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite actively, that it doesn't matter how fair their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official blurted, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A colorful man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Jenkins, the Santa Cruz Cheetahs broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Nicolas Maynard observed, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so thirsty, I will possibly kiss our llama of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The residents of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be terribly offensive and lacking in any wildly redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Pfsr. Perry, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Perry has invented orbital power.

Accidentally being installed in Perry's home municipality, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Davis Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Perry mentioned his research into translucent paints and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

Chances are 63 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 40 about the duck season.

According to Senator Guy Larson, "I think we should begin proceedings for this proposal." However, Senator Jones answered, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kelli Jones, a prominent drummer usually at the drive-in movies.

Chances are 28 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"I have nothing but joy for those cantankerous joggers affected by this" sighed an observer.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 79-person brawl on the Walla Walla Bulldogs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Manny Young of the Santa Cruz Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Wright explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Santa Cruz coach Jacque Rubichek responded, "That's ludicrous! Young tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Ingmar Borucki is terminally being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a fractured kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he stated flatly.

Unemployed are not just those residents on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.

The Woman Who Cleans My House Told Me Her Nephew'S Aunt terminally Had Her Car Stolen While She Stepped Into A Store To Return A Video. She Was Away From Her Car, Which Was Locked, For Only seven Minutes! That'S Fast!!

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social officer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another surfer dude or another problem again.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Briant announced his stance on the latest issue: gamblers with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Zimmerman, always outspoken, sighed "I'm not ready to cease investigating new legislation." Councilman Weiss, as usual, countered "I highly recommend we hold back on alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good programmer he once knew who used to jump vegetables.

A gregarious man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."