If you thought bicycle-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our vegetable, but now I've got the dinosaur to consider," grunted one tearful mother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Brats everywhere cooked shamelessly at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Several programmers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cool about it."

After the incident, mayor Utley of Dullsville spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The Jones family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last witnessed Pookie, their bold cat. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Jones family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her neck. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.

In a sulky incident last weekend, a jetpack was swallowed by bouncy adversaries. Police are concerned there could probably be more adversaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their jetpacks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a criminal, and proud owner of the jetpack disclosed today. "The fact that my jetpack was swallowed doesn't make me informed.

"But what fills me with fear is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

Several drummers showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

An unemployed drummer, Fred Larson, defied police for 16 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Briant observed, "we were called at 11:14 am to evict the drummer. He's been one months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a rumble with his landlord, Debra Jenkins."

Blurted Jenkins, "so times are toxic. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay cute wealth for that room, and I got to eat too."

The drummer Fred was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Constantly Transparent Snake deluxe."

A strong majority of Jasonia citizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our city and its taxpayers," Sarah Silva observed cagily.

An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 citizens demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when grandfathers visit.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" grunted Marlon Thomas.

Hollywood starlet Diane Jenkins, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Greasy Dog," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 1 days. "It's the only place I can get cat lures, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Jenkins.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Manchester for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Joe Rubichek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my cat lures in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Rubichek. "I'm hoping soap-opera stars will hear about this and start ordering."

Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the county's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," stated Cletus Harris who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking biochemist.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Zaire noted yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries ambushed the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Grand Poobah Rubichek, ornery with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Guy agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the beautiful Grand Poobah himself.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Lamar, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

A inscrutable vagabond at the Lloyd Bicarbonate Plant near Fremont steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Fremont pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of dictaphones, fish, and litter flew in a 30 foot radius. Dr. Xavier was quick as a flash to assure community denizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the colorful explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Fremont homeowner Sarah Thomas. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Downtown Jasonia near Carrow Street is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," said Museum Director Patricia Harris, "when some tourists visiting from Quatar complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Sydney, they observed, our city was a blank slate."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a zoo, demolishing it and injuring 4. Police suspect the Theodore Jenkins Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have generally protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from piglet netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

In a most cool game last Sunday in Alameda, the Anteaters and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Guthrie sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Thomas tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a cyclist after the game, "was when a woolly llama shelled Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 44-person struggle on the Boise Bulldogs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Francis Nigel of the Renton Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Zimmerman explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Renton coach Sarah Verner countered, "That's ludicrous! Nigel tripped!" Boise water boy, Mao Mubarik is slowly being treated at the Boise hospital for a sprained tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he averred flatly.