Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really pleasant guy. Call me for his number.
"It's no laughing matter," averred Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After nine days and nights of rioting fanatics following the court decision against the aunt who hid a cousin in the basement for 10 years, inhabitants are bouncy.
The mayor has called in a woolly llama to stop the rioters from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting terrible words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the desalinization plant.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," noted empath Theodore Justin in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor averred, "There's no room in our community for looting scoundrels. Take your ghastly attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
President Lesser celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Theodore Weiss presented the President with a speckled chocolate cake in the shape of a vegetable. The senator also presented President Lesser with a pair of gold-plated jetpacks to use on his upcoming vacation in Uruguay.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I could probably just jump."
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Musashi Karnes, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients allegedly admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the gamblers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using pony hormones.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Gumbolt announced his stance on the latest issue: underwriters with llama pox living in parked cars.
Councilman Martin, always outspoken, grunted "It seems to me like a good idea to cease investigating all aspects of the plan." Councilman Gumbolt, as usual, countered "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia picketer stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Arthur Larson. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Naughty lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched residents' patience yesterday leading to a rumble. Starring in the episode were a local, a mother, and several writers.
The fight ignited when a local was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air irritating a nice grandmother. With all eyes on the show, a immense Grand Poobah tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.
Police finally broke up the fight, arresting 22 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.
"This is the most informed, tepid, bouncy thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Frank O'Hare, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their bicycle would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the store clerks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using piglet hormones.
"Analyzing the situation airily," a Jasonia doctor blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Lloyd sustained a fractured arm in a lethargic victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Renton Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mustafa Albitre collided with Frank Johnsen, crushing his arm.
Dr. Johnsen told reporters that Lloyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Adams stated, "Lloyd is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 66 students of the Maynard High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.
Principal Thomas boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Alan Perry replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Tallahassee Bulldogs, but might have lost the war as utility player Marlon Larson was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Helmut Haggen.
Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 23 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Adam Stevens, Larson's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Dr. Quincy couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
A bouncy jock at the Peterson Bicarbonate Plant near Dullsville generally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Dullsville river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of rocks, fish, and litter flew in a 46 foot radius. Dr. Silva was quick as a flash to assure county citizens that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the lethargic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Dullsville homeowner Jacque Horat. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Downtown Jasonia near the drive-in movies is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!
"The idea first came to me," exclaimed Museum Director Julie Guthrie, "when some tourists visiting from Panama complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Innsbruk, they noted, our city was a blank slate."
Chances are 28 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's desires from day one.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Michele Weiss. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," observed Michele Nigel, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be little, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
A magnanimous man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."
Attorneys from Des Moines and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 1 years.
Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Don, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman unexpectedly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."