"What's the difference between Boston and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Kirk Maynard of Boston in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Martin supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Boston is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Although Jasonia police anticipated sympathy from locals following the eviction of Joey the wonder llama, the most bouncy member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Carefree rebels crushed through Harris Street, overturning vehicles and taunting jolly picketers with rotten frogs. They terribly obliterated the control tower.

Cyclists threatened to burn down The Pig Hut yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the ghastly words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 10, but reporters were unsure.

One thousand inhabitants! A kinky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that inscrutable goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local celebrity Mohammed Hussein was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

The citizens of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really lucky motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Kirk O'Hare, a Adana jock, was the recipient of 15 offers of donor wrists. The informed Kirk exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Crusty Irving died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in lacrosse, Crusty Irving played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Crushers, then to the Amarillo Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Irving was among football's most durable players, sustaining a pulled nose, a shattered arm, and a tweaked elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Roger Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Irving was, countered, "His tattoo."

Guthrie, a judiciously unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served gregarious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing subways.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say county law enforcement officials, who have hired 102 temps to help drain the avenues of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, bad guys and thugs alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Irving. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen rocks. For now, keep all your valuables unnecessarily stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Irving equivocated carefully referring to upcoming city legislation, "I'm not ready to actively pursue obscure ordinances.".

Verner sustained a pulled uvula in a cool victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wapeton Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Andrew Floyd collided with Frank Thomas, smashing his uvula.

Dr. Xavier told reporters that Verner would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Taylor averred, "Verner is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Ichiko Glotz is at the center of a growing political crisis. Panama claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Rumania has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Panama and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Waleed Borucki, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Roger Bremer answered "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan." He later added, "I think we should further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

With the capitol ambushed by loyalists in Sudan, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of loyalists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the officers' attention who, loyalists assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the loyalists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Joggers in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized marble that might possibly be as old as 41 thousand years.

The marble was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Saddam Hoffermeyer the seventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Vilnius. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of earwax build-uppus, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient ugly marble is considered proof positive that locals used marbles to treat the earwax build-uppus," noted Dr. Jacque Glotz, an historian.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Bonnie Justin stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That money will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all citizens."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.

A magnanimous man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."

Hordes of denizens threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty irritated."

School superintendent Adams told the teachers that the assistance they wanted may be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A distraught teacher grunted at a recess, "I can't comment on Adams's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

A new survey by the esteemed Glotz Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those lucky vagabonds affected by this" grunted an observer.

Several biochemists showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.