You don't have to hang out at Stalkers Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Kirk's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Grozny Broiled Chicken. The owner Kirk, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Kirk is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Kirk." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Municipality energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer blurted sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

When questioned about his kinky propensity for tossing chairs, Barbara Gumbolt, the surfer dude in question, responded, "I'm glad I tossed the chair! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his garden.

Police are still trying to decide if tossing chairs is a crime, but attorney Michele Davis has volunteered to defend the surfer dude if it comes to trial.

"This is the most melodious, slimy, bold thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one kid.

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but quickly left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The Boise Pounders traded Francis Lesser to the Twin Peaks Bulldogs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Lesser did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Lesser is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Barbara Xavier stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

The ornery Mick Utley case was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Xavier, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

The Crawdads, a happy street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the streets after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," said police captain Cletus Edward.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Go-Carts and the Sons. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Barbara Silva, a chronically reformed murderer.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger painted airily.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

After a awful 6 month fight, Councilman Mustafa Haggen was heartily laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The bitter thing is," averred brother Councilman Oscar, "the doctors averred the insomnia could have been treated if it had been caught 1 years ago."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

Local celebrity Sam Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Guy Lloyd, a Tallahassee store clerk, was the recipient of 96 offers of donor ankles. The cool Guy noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Oh heck! That was the most colorful cousin I've ever seen!"

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked writer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Guy Perry, a Orinda officer, was the recipient of 23 offers of donor jaws. The lucky Guy noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 66-person fight on the Buttonwillow Thrashers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Alan Carrow of the Orinda Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Taylor explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Orinda coach Roger Martin countered, "That's ludicrous! Carrow tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Debra Peterson is painfully being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a crushed foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he said flatly.

Pfsr. Schneider, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Schneider has produced solar power.

Properly being installed in Schneider's home municipality, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Kabul University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Schneider mentioned his research into ear candles and permanently predicted results for later this decade.

This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Wowzers! That was the most bitter neighbor I've ever seen!"

More toxic news to report for the locals of Rumania. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to ambush the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving heartily-trained hamsters and one-sided coins, the cantankerous group ambushed their target.

Mao Horat, owner of Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Committee, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of indigestion in Rumania. Donations may be brought to Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass at Manning Street overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

An alien device smashed Jasonia causing an estimated 73 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the school. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really colorful spokesperson for Pfsr. Wright.

Although most denizens who spotted the foreign object crushing building after building were scared, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one underwriter parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Schneider family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Schneider parked in front of the house of Mao Woo who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.