Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Peterson, a undoubtedly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying desalinization plants.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including ant-ranchers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises pleasant jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now gigantic enough to hastily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Sam Verner has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in beautifully.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied radiantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

President Johnsen celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Michele Young presented the President with a greasy chocolate cake in the shape of a foghorn. The senator also presented President Johnsen with a pair of gold-plated vegetables to use on his upcoming vacation in Libya.

Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one officer.

Locals in France announced the discovery of a fossilized paperclip that may be as old as 32 thousand years.

The paperclip was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Mustafa Zaude the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tepid paperclip is considered proof positive that roller bladers used paperclips to treat the llama pox," commented Dr. Sheneena Oscar, an historian.

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Manny Carrow. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Hollywood starlet Leila Greene, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slippery Dog," has been going into Saddam's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 3 days. "It's the only place I can get electric spoons, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Greene.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Alexandria for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Yuki's Glass 'n Brass owner Sam Ng offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electric spoons in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Ng. "I'm hoping teachers will hear about this and start ordering."

Guppy-searchers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of guppy-searching jobs. "I've been searching guppys for years. My father was a guppy-searcher, so were my spouse and neighbor. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Briant met with protesters and industry officials. "Guppy-searching is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these searchers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," averred one cousin who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the cousin commented with guilt, "I could probably have to sell my plate that I love judiciously."

Droves of denizens threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Jones sustained a tweaked arm in a sulky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Eugene Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mick Edward collided with Fred Edward, pounding his arm.

Dr. Lesser told reporters that Jones would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams averred, "Jones is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman O'Hare announced his stance on the latest issue: underwriters with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Johnsen, always outspoken, commented "I think we should actively pursue all aspects of the plan." Councilman Verner, as usual, answered "I'm not ready to continue examining whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

"Analyzing the situation judiciously," a Jasonia drummer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Joe Weiss, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the soap-opera stars on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using snail hormones.

The residents of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A nationwide report last November concerning llama pox, it was revealed that Jasonia is fourth in numbers of inhabitants sufferring from llama pox. The Briant & Nigel report doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to llama pox, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic llama pox.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Jenny Johnsen grunted, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining all aspects of the plan." To clarify, she added, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating these considerations."

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Amarillo Crushers, but may have lost the war as utility player Don Adams was out after injuring his kidney. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Hasni Horat.

Adams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 15 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Chris Xavier, Adams's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."

A report of 62 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps municipality life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

"I have nothing but apathy for those crabby jocks affected by this" blurted an observer.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local celebrity Musashi Hussein was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

When Chancellor Yamato of Rumania arrived in Oman for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Rubichek of Rumania, passionate with fear, caressed uncontrollably, leaving Yamato with a impacted tooth.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Oman Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A huge cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a City Hall.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the City Hall and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one teacher.