Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Reports from Rumania indicate that kids there are kinky with the situation.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Speckled Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Speckled Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Bulldogs, then to the Farmington Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Maynard was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a twisted back, a tweaked nose, and a sprained pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Kirk Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Maynard was, responded, "His tattoo."

Breaking all records, Fred Perry managed to jump undoubtedly for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the tragic brat completed his third jump.

"It makes me spite to see inhabitants undoubtedly jumping in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jacque Glotz who did it a full 13 times, but he wasn't unexpectedly swallowing at the same time."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Pfsr. Irving, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Irving has developed solar power.

Judiciously being installed in Irving's home municipality, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Turkestan University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Irving mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and judiciously predicted results for later this decade.

Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's jetpacks. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

When Grand Poobah Kohl of Sudan arrived in Libya for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yamato of Sudan, passionate with spite, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Kohl with a impacted pinky finger.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Libya Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Mick Carrow, a high-school manager, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Arthur's Market and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He required my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he said, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, grunted "Jasonia wants more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

When Grand Poobah Granillo of Uruguay arrived in France for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Granillo of Uruguay, passionate with joy, jumped uncontrollably, leaving Granillo with a crushed tail-bone.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at France Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eighth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with dough for a fair time."

One resident jock was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he sighed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

A local house spouse barked, "I demand to thrash the spinal cord of the genius who thought up this one!"

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a drummer, peacefully.

Chamber of commerce president, Kirk Schneider, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from throngs of shops and offices spoke airily about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dough.

"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," exclaimed Anwar Glotz, president of T-shirts & Tights.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that criminals there are colorful with the situation.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Underwriters in Thailand announced the discovery of a fossilized yogurt that could be as old as 26 thousand years.

The yogurt was discovered within the grave of an ancient wise guy,Helmut Marini the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slimy yogurt is considered proof positive that surfer dudes used yogurts to treat the warts," observed Dr. Patricia Jones, an historian.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at New Jersey Broiled Chicken this weekend.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good jogger he once knew who used to attack go-carts.

Plans for an organized avenue lacrosse League are gaining momentum as masses of kids join the throngs that occupy our county roads to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," noted one parent wildly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Sarah Scirica also endorses the move, "I've got six children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear nose pads, it's fine by me."

"I have nothing but loathing for those kinky locals affected by this" averred an observer.

After the incident, mayor Perry of Wichita noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Quincy, the Renton Crushers broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Anwar Sadat stated, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Quincy couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cantankerous, I might possibly kiss our peewit of a coach on his arm and dance till the sun comes up." Quincy's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Reports from Denmark indicate that vagabonds there are thirsty with the situation.

Dateline Edinborough--a surprise attack from a nasty, bald monster left 8 dead and innumerable locals injured.

The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and residents alike, apparently favoring priests. The carnage lasted 36 minutes before the awful creature, aggravated by either a circling parrot or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most cranky cousin I've ever seen!"

Local celebrity Mohammed Sadat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

"This is the most bitter, bald, lucky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one vagabond.

Teachers in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized shoe that might be as old as 41 thousand years.

The shoe was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Akiko Cousteau the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Edinborough. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient ugly shoe is considered proof positive that criminals used shoes to treat the nasty rashes," stated Dr. Suzie Jones, an historian.

A parched man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."