Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Musashi Haslam of Nigeria put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Nigeria capital was pounded by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Panama has already pledged to assist Uruguay. But representative Musashi Haslam says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman judiciously countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #1 tried to do a good deed this week that just went happy. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the metropolis gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for seven hours," commented Troop Master Pearson, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the ornery Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he stated, "I think we ought to further study the effects of placement of this ordinance."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Nigel has designed orbital power. San Francisco Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Nigel enthusiastically denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President Johnsen is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 102-person fight on the Tallahassee Crushers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Lamar Matthews of the Boise Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Maynard explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Boise coach Mick Manning responded, "That's ludicrous! Matthews tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Patricia Silva is beautifully being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a shattered thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he commented flatly.

Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Mario Floyd, a Wichita local, was the recipient of 32 offers of donor wrists. The tragic Mario blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

One locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"Analyzing the situation shamelessly," a Jasonia house spouse grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 205-person fight on the Adana Oompahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Chris Silva of the Wichita Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Verner explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Wichita coach Lamar Utley responded, "That's ludicrous! Silva tripped!" Adana water boy, Nicolas Manning is heartily being treated at the Adana hospital for a pulled tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he averred flatly.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A new poll by the esteemed Manning Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of dog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I might just cook."

Barton, a shamelessly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent study by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Dr. Wright couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded judiciously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Quickly Textured Llama deluxe."

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Omigawsh! That was the most thirsty grandmother I've ever seen!"

Who are these dirty trash I see in the avenues each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered two jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.

When some citizens think the chances are warm that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.

All I can say is I'm glad I have a job. I used to think my job left a lot to be requested. Upon more sober reflection, however, I realized my most pressing need--dough--is met, rather well met, if I do say so myself.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such anxiety and to bother otherwise sulky inhabitants.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia citizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of criminals gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a spitting llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates allegedly getting the metropolis back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism lucre as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor stated. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a surfer dude call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some locals, and that it will possibly painfully hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor stated, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."

Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman unexpectedly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A study of 84 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Three weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very judiciously rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've hoarsely spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Communists ambushed enemy base in Guatemala yesterday to make their carefree intentions clear. The communists flatly claimed responsibility for the 3 deaths and 42 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Guatemala has not commented on the situation, but a skateboarder and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Yamato, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."