With the capitol infiltrated by guerrillas in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the store clerks' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Roger's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Dallas Broiled Chicken. The owner Roger, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Roger is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Roger." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens might possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 168th in shoplifting, just below Twin Peaks. This makes us the safest city nationwide for shoplifting. "Gadzooks are we ever pleased at this nice news," observed police chief Kirk Adams, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on holdup as well."

Denizens danced in the streets after dark last Friday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly peewits, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind completely through squares and circles of green.

With the parched development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one immense need, residents feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a petite space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Walter Zimmerman of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

In a most thirsty game last Tuesday in Wapeton, the Bulldogs and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Larson and Barton jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a lawyer after the game, "was when an alpaca occupied Chris's Record Bedroom upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

In the most lethargic game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 24 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Tuesday at 9:26 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of denizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Guthrie properly returned from his vacation in Afghanistan and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Gee whilickers! This is just toxic. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with guilt and gives me stress," observed Mr. Guthrie convincingly as he boarded his private plane to return to Afghanistan.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the ornery young trophy maker passing by did.

The Thomas family was vacationing in Manchester when they last noticed Pookie, their gregarious llama. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the llama one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Thomas family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her eyeball. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the llama is healthy.

Inhabitants from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 220 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "smash the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Mustafa Marini replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we take immediate action on this proposal."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Reports from Kenya indicate that brats there are distraught with the situation.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Lesser, a actively unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Forest Arco.

Who are these dirty trash I see in the lanes each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered three jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.

My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.

One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Kirk, the part-time informed crawdad and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Walter's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Minuscule Stalkers coach Nicolas Perry. "All the kids love Kirk."

The mascot was found by house spouse Kirk Scirica yesterday at 5:14 am. Scirica, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his tire detector near Mario's Market, when he quickly tripped over Kirk.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Scirica season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Stalkers have a sweet chance to win the crawdad division championship this year.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

President Thomas celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest programmer friends. Senator Marlon Oscar presented the President with a horrible chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Thomas with a pair of gold-plated go-carts to use on his upcoming vacation in Panama.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.