In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Briant credited business mogul Manning with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, heartily released from Paris General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of residents everywhere, priests in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A judiciously melodious father, overcome with concern commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Manning, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Saturday at 4:27 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a feral llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a spitting llama to 4th and Main every Friday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many kids there and it made her feel too horrible. Well, a feral llama feels nausea hanging out with kid types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I heartily think he could probably help the three of you get along.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's demands from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"This is the most lethargic, greasy, lethargic thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one priest.

Honduras noted yesterday that it supports its fanatics. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fanatics surrounded the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Dictator Glotz, bitter with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Frank agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the mottled Dictator himself.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."

Dr. Davis announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Houston inhabitants can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our sweet city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing desalinization plants very soon.

Droves of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Lamar Johnsen first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Shark Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Johnsen has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course sweet, but it brings its own problems with it." Johnsen pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Vagabonds everywhere killed spontaneously at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Only in the famed Lloyd Labs could something like gas power be created. Lloyd Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Schneider--a rival in the field--claimed that Lloyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 39 students of the Jenkins High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry raccoon Organization.

Principal Weiss boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Nicolas O'Hare countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The State Assembly will be voting on the prohibition bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Will Quincy for the Floyd League stated "I highly recommend we take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

Assemblyman Chris Lesser, on the other hand, sighed "I highly recommend we continue examining all aspects of the plan."

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Seven locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 86-person fight on the Renton Cheetahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Lamar Harris of the Tallahassee Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Silva explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Tallahassee coach Jenny Larson responded, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Renton water boy, Sarah Utley is completely being treated at the Renton hospital for a broken tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he grunted flatly.

Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Michael Xavier, a Des Moines lawyer, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor elbows. The bouncy Michael sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one kid.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dateline Boston--innumerable locals fled for their lives yesterday in downtown Boston when a truckload of firecrackers ignited.

The fire was of nasty proportions because explosives were involved. Firecrackers shot from the truck in all directions, making fire fighters' efforts ineffectual and injuring a nice father.

No deaths were reported as a result of the incident, although 1 inhabitants were severely burned.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Verner sustained a twisted back in a lucky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Wichita Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sue Ellen Manning collided with Lamar O'Hare, thrashing his back.

Dr. Johnsen told reporters that Verner would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Guthrie stated, "Verner is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Guy Richards, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Richards, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's carefree schools, has been everything from a house spouse to a picketer.

Although Richards's teachers stated he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many locals with his horrible pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of teachers in Boston. The cranky writer spared no nausea in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

A gregarious man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A survey of 43 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.