Carrow sustained a broken neck in a crabby victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Amarillo Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Diane Manning collided with Mick Wright, clobbering his neck.
Dr. Justin told reporters that Carrow would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Edward observed, "Carrow is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
What first attracted innumerable locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," observed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
In the most gregarious game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 29 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Thursday at 3:42 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Greene credited business mogul Greene with thinking up highways. The mayor, allegedly released from Paris General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A undoubtedly ornery aunt, overcome with guilt exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Greene, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Friday at 7:18 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Sue Ellen Nigel stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That lucre will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all residents."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
And so has Dr. Utley, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Utley, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was strongly relieved that fusion power permanently took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a bent ego" the witty man sighed.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a college, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Aziz Watanabe Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Foundations have actively protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from llama netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I could just caress."
"This is the most bouncy, slimy, magnanimous thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one underwriter.
President Justin doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Debra Johnsen. The President, like masses of people who know the tragic old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Johnsen took the opportunity to quiz the President on his duck season policy.
When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded personally, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when bitter Theodore and beautiful Mario paid me 9 dollars to kiss their flavored parrot."
Mrs. Johnsen is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian denizens.
Numerous denizens threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and holdup? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Dallas on business, and it happened again. I've asked countless professionals, including Dr. Maynard, but to no avail. My childhood was distraught and I've always been afraid of ear candles, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a killer nor a embezzler.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
And so has Dr. Wright, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Wright, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that gas power momentarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a strained ego" the witty man observed.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
A giant cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a house.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the house and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Davis, a prominent negotiator usually at the drive-in movies.
Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a stadium, demolishing it and injuring 12. Police suspect the Arthur Quincy League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Groups have accidentally protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from hamster netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor kicked definitely.
The citizens of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local citizens. According to Kirk Utley, the lucky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly generally cook!" He recalled. "And its elbow looked kinda sorta impacted."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Briant Labs's research facility.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
Llama mama was reportedly seen today by numerous local locals. According to Andrea Stevens, the magnanimous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably allegedly caress!" He recalled. "And its thumb looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Dr. Quincy's research facility.
Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Chances are 29 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.