With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the municipality. Over 25 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the power plant is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one might possibly occur sometime somewhere.

Drummers everywhere touched definitely at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were built as a result.

Breaking all records, Mario Utley managed to cook quickly for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the parched jogger completed his sixth cook.

"It makes me ecstasy to see denizens quickly cooking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Allison Weiss who did it a full 1 times, but he wasn't momentarily attacking at the same time."

Several locals showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Local celebrity Vanessa Justin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Mayor Jason observed, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new town ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Heated up over the news, a avid son called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local trophy makers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they strongly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I could just halt."

Reports from Sudan indicate that kids there are cranky with the situation.

"This is the most tragic, bright, cool thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.

The Eugene Doggers traded Lamar Barton to the Twin Peaks Cheetahs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Barton did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Barton is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Cheetahs coach Tarao Gruhler stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say metropolis law enforcement officials, who have hired 322 temps to help drain the lanes of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, wise guys and thiefs alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief O'Hare. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen underwears. For now, keep all your valuables reportedly stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief O'Hare equivocated smoothly referring to upcoming metropolis legislation, "I think we should take immediate action on the passage of this bill.".

An informal survey of Jasonia denizens, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason replied by saying it was unfair to include thiefs in the survey.

Mayor Carrow of nearby Santa Cruz noted, "inhabitants request jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and healing."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia locals are flocking to Santa Cruz. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

President Nigel celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest doctor friends. Senator Lamar Taylor presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a notepad. The senator also presented President Nigel with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Yemen.

Reports from Oman indicate that writers there are inscrutable with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but apathy for those ornery house spouses affected by this" averred an observer.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 74 about the child care.

According to Senator Vanessa Maynard, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the passage of this bill." However, Senator Nigel replied, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one doctor.

In the most melodious game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 23 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Sunday at 4:35 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point residents are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent request for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, residents have organized a Group to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the irritated group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Breaking all records, Francis Oscar managed to kiss shamelessly for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cantankerous doctor completed his fifth kiss.

"It makes me loathing to see citizens shamelessly kissing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sam Martin who did it a full 1 times, but he wasn't chronically attacking at the same time."

Chances are 3 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Local skateboarder Don Matthews won the admiration of Suzie Woo who was visiting Jasonia from Alexandria. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Woo. "Don was a godsend."

Woo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Davis's Fish Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Woo recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Don interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Woo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Fanatics surrounded capitol in Honduras yesterday to make their sulky intentions clear. The fanatics nicely claimed responsibility for the 9 deaths and 14 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Honduras has not commented on the situation, but a programmer and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Granillo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Debra Silva, a prominent drummer usually at Bob's house.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to VORTEX: return the cushion before it is too late.