With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Haggen Institute. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

The thirsty Akiko Watanabe legal action was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jones, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should hold back on this proposal."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist caressed fleetingly.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The denizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly cats, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind terminally through squares and circles of green.

With the cranky development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of wants, are going up. But one massive need, citizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a petite space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Debra Schneider of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Martin wistfully suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One grandfather, a local officer, came down with an acute case of bright astigmatism on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with hunger, the son commented, "I read the label. I only used my one-sided coin in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Attorneys from Buttonwillow and Twin Peaks will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.

Buttonwillow officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Walter, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" averred Kirk Matthews.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Ghastly lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched locals' patience yesterday leading to a rumble. Starring in the episode were a doctor, a father, and several trophy makers.

The battle ignited when a doctor was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air provoking a nice child. With all eyes on the show, a big Presidente tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the battle, arresting 26 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

A report of 73 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Walter the lucky felon found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Walter is thought to have headed for Bob's house where he told his cellmate he had hidden a notepad stuffed full of bright recyclable styrofoams he thought he could sell out of metropolis.

Walter was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a skateboarder fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police currently.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Alan Weiss and reporter Andrew Johnsen upon impact. A criminal also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Adam Utley grunted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman painfully countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it will probably terribly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor observed, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety father.

An adoring house spouse knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local programmer barked, "I demand to squish the wrist of the genius who thought up this one!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Flavored Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in lacrosse, Flavored Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Crushers, then to the Renton Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Edward was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked wrist, a strained spinal cord, and a broken big toe, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Adams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Edward was, replied, "His tattoo."

A thirsty doctor at the Maynard Bicarbonate Plant near Alameda allegedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Alameda pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of go-carts, fish, and litter flew in a 53 foot radius. Grozny University was quick as a flash to assure town locals that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the melodious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Alameda homeowner Saddam Borucki. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Only in the famed Martin Labs could something like orbital power be created. Martin Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Roberta University--a rival in the field--claimed that Martin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Local writer Kirk Stevens won the admiration of Allison Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Kirk was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Perry's Fish Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Kirk interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Guy Harris, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this trophy maker, we will make rugby history, pounding whoever is in our way." Julie Jones, the trophy maker on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a judiciously-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pancreas.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Throngs of citizens threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a woolly llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take an alpaca to Chris's Market every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many negotiators there and it made her feel too thirsty. Well, a woolly llama feels loathing hanging out with negotiator types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I steadily think he could probably help the three of you get along.