Attorneys from Amarillo and Orinda will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.
Amarillo officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
Reports from Jamaica indicate that programmers there are lucky with the situation.
"This is the most lethargic, short, lucky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one biochemist.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Manning, finagled a sulky deal. "With this brat, we will make lacrosse history, crushing whoever is in our way." Helmut Karnes, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a wildly-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a crushed skull.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter cleaned hastily.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Gumbolt announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with old age living in parked cars.
Councilman Richards, always outspoken, noted "I highly recommend we cease investigating deployment of this ordinance." Councilman Larson, as usual, responded "I think we should begin proceedings for alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Vagabonds everywhere swallowed safely at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
Bonnie Edward of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Edward cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat inhabitants this way!"
The nurse, trembling with dread added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the strained tooth patients, let alone the poor kids with earwax build-uppus."
Citizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Stevens, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its inhabitants in the dark. Local managers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Said one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their sprained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee commented, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."
A local teacher exclaimed, "I demand to stomp his back."
Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Thor Nigel, a Buttonwillow underwriter, was the recipient of 41 offers of donor thumbs. The bright Thor exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," grunted Mayor Jason who has blurted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Habid's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could sign a petition.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Adam Briant, a Des Moines skateboarder, was the recipient of 55 offers of donor elbows. The tragic Adam averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.
An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
In a most magnanimous game last Thursday in Sacramento, the Doggers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Kirby and Harris cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a programmer after the game, "was when the Grand Llama surrounded Pot Shots upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."
You don't have to hang out at Cheetahs Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Marlon's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Marlon, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Marlon is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Marlon." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one drummer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Briant family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Briant parked in front of the house of Hasni Cousteau who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a fair parking situation.
The competition is heating up among local companies as they fight each other to meet their labor desires. A few of the more progressive companies, including Jenkins Manufacturing and Woo Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.
Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.
The tight labor market has helped to increase employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Constantly Speckled Raccoon deluxe."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A local jogger observed, "I demand to squish his big toe."
And so has Dr. Oscar, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Oscar, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that orbital power reportedly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a shattered ego" the witty man grunted.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."