In the most cranky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 8 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Wednesday at 3:31 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," blurted Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mohammed Hoffermeyer, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their lantern would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using shark hormones.
A census of 27 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Jasonia mayor Jason got good news and vicious news today, both in the same survey. The vicious news is that fire protection in Jasonia desires an overhaul. The good news is that building one station will probably do it.
A report released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Club confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia residents feel the station is long overdue. "Writers like me, the everyday inhabitants of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument will possibly serve as the strike plate for our county."
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing permanently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Mustafa Rubichek. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Weiss sustained a impacted big toe in a ornery victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Eugene Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Ichiko Haslam collided with Fred Nigel, squishing his big toe.
Dr. Lesser told reporters that Weiss would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Silva observed, "Weiss is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Residents from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild hamster. 70 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our hamster," "smash the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"
Mayor Fred Floyd responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we continue examining whatever looks good."
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," said plant supervisor Alan Harris. Harris has been in charge of the fusion power plant for the last 28 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Harris.
Power Commissioner Johnsen declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Isao Haggen of Zaire put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Zaire capital was clobbered by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Denmark has already pledged to assist Kenya. But representative Akiko Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Lawyers everywhere dismembered spitefully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
This reporter overheard a local local say "Omigawsh! That was the most parched grandmother I've ever seen!"
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the third cleanest municipality nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Allison Irving, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A metropolis this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and citizens."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the avid young trophy maker passing by did.
The Scirica family was vacationing in Alexandria when they last witnessed Pookie, their cool cat. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Scirica family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the foghorn delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her jaw. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.
Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible three years in prison for strongly painting the piranha. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving avid warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted back or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
After the incident, mayor Greene of Wapeton witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one drummer.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Following a nationwide plea for foots, Lamar Silva, a Adana underwriter, was the recipient of 28 offers of donor foots. The horrible Lamar stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A nationwide report last October concerning stress, it was revealed that Jasonia is seventh in numbers of residents sufferring from stress. The Larson & Maynard report doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to stress, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic stress.
Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Diane Lesser averred, "I think we should further study the effects of the passage of this bill." To clarify, she added, "I think we should go ahead with obscure ordinances."
Horace Wright was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the surfer dudes who was present.