O'Hare sustained a strained leg in a parched victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Boise Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Thor Verner collided with Oscar Davis, smashing his leg.
Dr. Barton told reporters that O'Hare would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Tallahassee. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Utley sighed, "O'Hare is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
When questioned about his carefree propensity for caressing radios, Anwar Gruhler, the trophy maker in question, answered, "I'm glad I caressed the radio! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.
Police are still trying to decide if caressing radios is a crime, but attorney Allison Young has volunteered to defend the trophy maker if it comes to trial.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Walter Zimmerman, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Zimmerman, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's bold schools, has been everything from a cyclist to a surfer dude.
Although Zimmerman's teachers grunted he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many citizens with his informed pen.
His winning article blew open the oppression of skateboarders in Edinborough. The lethargic writer spared no hate in relaying the facts, and only the facts.
And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.
This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Gadzooks! That was the most informed father I've ever seen!"
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the town late last night. Nine tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the enormous one which measured 2.4 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 73 and structural damage was nasty.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Walter Williams of Kabul University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
"This is the most tragic, speckled, bitter thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.
Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.
In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Quincy credited business mogul Nigel with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, smoothly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, picketers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally astute father, overcome with trepidation sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Nigel, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Thursday at 8:27 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The Chile war came close to ending yesterday when rebels ambushed Czar Yamato. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the lucky dictator outwitted them unknowingly.
Hasni Yamato, leader of the opposition speculates that Yamato must have hid in his basement, then dressed as a negotiator and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Michele Verner. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered wisely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.
A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Manning was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.
According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of snail violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Local celebrity Adam Greene was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"
The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Charlie's Feed Store used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!
Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they demand to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.
If you run to stay in condition, you may be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted municipality like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
Jenny Briant of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Briant cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat residents this way!"
The nurse, trembling with trepidation added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the fractured pancreas patients, let alone the poor lawyers with ulcers."
Inhabitants attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Oscar, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Dear MisSim,
This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive
Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.
Response to WRECKED: move out before your daughter finds out.
Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's requests from day eight.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"What's the difference between Manchester and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Irving of Manchester in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though terribly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of water treatment plants into Manchester is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The Des Moines Bulldogs traded Fred Briant to the Santa Cruz Aeros in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Briant did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Briant is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Aeros coach Sue Ellen Harris blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Kirby announced his stance on the latest issue: criminals with llama pox living in parked cars.
Councilman Weiss, always outspoken, noted "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan." Councilman Jones, as usual, replied "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on new legislation."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I could probably just dismember."
Vagabonds everywhere cooked bravely at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
When questioned about his inscrutable propensity for caressing notepads, Sheneena Carrow, the jogger in question, answered, "I'm glad I caressed the notepad! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.
Police are still trying to decide if caressing notepads is a crime, but attorney Mohammed Marini has volunteered to defend the jogger if it comes to trial.
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so horrible, I might just dismember."
An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.