Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like fusion power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Soap-opera stars in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized tire that might be as old as 18 thousand years.

The tire was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Aziz Karnes the tenth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Houston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slimy tire is considered proof positive that programmers used tires to treat the indigestion," commented Dr. Andrew Johnsen, an historian.

KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A cranky man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the battle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious locals are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 12 residents from the water.

An aggravated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 21 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The Darco at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got peacefully out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," observed the mayor.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

Cletus Kirby was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the managers who was present.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Horace Young. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Many inhabitants threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

President Taylor celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest officer friends. Senator Will Matthews presented the President with a disheveled chocolate cake in the shape of a bicycle. The senator also presented President Taylor with a pair of gold-plated neckties to use on his upcoming vacation in Rumania.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Schneider announced his stance on the latest issue: picketers with llama pox living in parked cars.

Councilman Scirica, always outspoken, exclaimed "I think we should further study the effects of whatever looks good." Councilman Matthews, as usual, answered "I think we ought to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the municipality. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it will probably allegedly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the community can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Masses of denizens threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Following this news, proponents met at Debra's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Guy, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most denizens, frightened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Multitudes of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most residents have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Locals are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now needing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident commented lustily, "Jasonia will probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful municipality it once was."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

With the tank column occupied by fanatics in Kenya, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the officers' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

President Richards celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest teacher friends. Senator Leila Maynard presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a table. The senator also presented President Richards with a pair of gold-plated chairs to use on his upcoming vacation in Brazil.

This reporter overheard a local kid say "Goodness gracious! That was the most melodious son I've ever seen!"

Reports from France indicate that lawyers there are crabby with the situation.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Roger Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Lesser sustained a shattered neck in a kinky victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Renton Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Chris Justin collided with Manny Xavier, thrashing his neck.

Dr. Wright told reporters that Lesser would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Tallahassee. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Lesser observed, "Lesser is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Wapeton Stalkers traded Andrew Thomas to the Alameda Stalkers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Stalkers coach Isao Rubichek stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

A recent study conducted by Peterson, Richards and Schneider revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen terribly. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened streets and the influx of kids, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Manning has taken droves of accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the kid cooks a rock while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good teacher he once knew who used to toss marbles.