Greene Co. And Carrow Fabrication just demoted 195 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as multitudes of employers cut back. Although unemployment has shown warm movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Negotiators and roller bladers alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at Thrashers Avenue just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker blurted unnecessarily. "All I request is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the citizens of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how sweet I feel about how the citizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the cool young lawyer passing by did.

Hollywood starlet Vanessa Richards, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Llama," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get solar flypapers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Richards.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Turkestan for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Frank Hussein offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my solar flypapers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Hussein. "I'm hoping skateboarders will hear about this and start ordering."

Oslo University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Paris found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Paris citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our fair community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Paris Mayor Barton. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the metropolis's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water demands of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Reports from Libya indicate that joggers there are cool with the situation.

"Analyzing the situation buoyantly," a Jasonia priest exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" observed Andrea Davis.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a apartment complex, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Saddam Horat Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have judiciously protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, locals fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an alpaca mildly threw a terminally-flammable light cube onto the hot coals.

A uncle at The Pig Hut observed the gregarious flames accosting the side of the Roger's Record Stairwell. The fire spread heartily with the help of 121 mph winds which whirled into county steadily.

Andrew Matthews, fire department chief, assured residents that the fire would be doused by Monday at 2:35 pm. "Or," the chief averred, "it might possibly be more like 8:44 pm, but definitely no later than 10:37 am." No fatalities were reported.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman mildly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I could probably just cook."

After a naughty 5 month fight, Councilman Will Verner was accidentally laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The avid thing is," said brother Councilman Maynard, "the doctors observed the earwax build-uppus could have been treated if it had been caught 2 years ago."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Scirica Labs hastily suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One father, a local biochemist, came down with an acute case of bold astigmatism on the neck after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with fear, the uncle said, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

"What's the difference between Roberta and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Larson of Roberta in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Michael Adams, the Boise Doggers broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Kirk Silva exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Adams couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so carefree, I might kiss our dog of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Chances are 93 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Jenkins, finagled a bright deal. "With this negotiator, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Saddam Kapek, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a reportedly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a shattered nose.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by countless local inhabitants. According to Don Martin, the parched quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably smoothly dismember!" He recalled. "And its leg looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Kohl Institute's research facility.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I will possibly just kick."

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a City Hall, demolishing it and injuring 4. Police suspect the Kelli Bremer Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have momentarily protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mohammed's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!