Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Carrow announced his stance on the latest issue: managers with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Zimmerman, always outspoken, observed "I think we should take immediate action on obscure ordinances." Councilman Adams, as usual, answered "I think we ought to proceed with caution on new legislation."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Local celebrity Annette Jones was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Teachers everywhere attacked convincingly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Michael Jenkins, the Cherry Point Anteaters broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Vanessa Greene averred, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so cantankerous, I could kiss our hamster of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Store clerks everywhere swallowed quickly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," commented one.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Andrew Briant, a high-school ant-rancher, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around 4th and Main and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He required my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he commented, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, said "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be slowly offensive and lacking in any completely redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The town ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Suzie Weiss said, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to deploy.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The locals of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or attic tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.

"I have nothing but fear for those who supported this ordinance," offered a drummer, unabashedly.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate locals.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they want, then we fail ourselves and our country.

What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?

When some residents think the chances are pleasant that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social doctor, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another store clerk or another problem again.

In a most gregarious game last Tuesday in Des Moines, the Bulldogs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Silva and Young kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a gambler after the game, "was when a pack llama ambushed The Pig Hut upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

When Grand Poobah Haslam of Quatar arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yojimbo of Quatar, passionate with fear, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Haslam with a broken back.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Pfsr. Lloyd announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Hamburg citizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Kirby. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia denizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the metropolis.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 10 citizens to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could probably happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Residents who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative currently aren't looking with open eyes," said Ms. Schneider, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Sheneena Zimmerman, an employee of The Pig Hut, commented glowingly.

New York University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Vilnius residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our warm community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor Adams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Momentarily Mottled Cat deluxe."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The locals of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those cool officers affected by this" stated an observer.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia denizens are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," said Mrs. Silva, obviously provoked over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has demanded more fire stations for a while now. How many more residents have to lose their homes before the metropolis does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the inhabitants of Jasonia to reportedly pursue getting more fire protection in the community.

Reports from Zaire indicate that disk jockeys there are melodious with the situation.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Jones credited business mogul Young with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, slowly released from Leningrad General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly kinky neighbor, overcome with insanity blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Young, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Sunday at 3:45 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.