President Williams celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest doctor friends. Senator Michele Briant presented the President with a greasy chocolate cake in the shape of a paperclip. The senator also presented President Williams with a pair of gold-plated vegetables to use on his upcoming vacation in Ethiopia.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Throngs of inhabitants threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Pfsr. Kirby, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Kirby has built solar power.
Momentarily being installed in Kirby's home community, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Jenkins.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Kirby mentioned his research into computerized railroads and allegedly predicted results for later this decade.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Locals from Dullsville turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dinosaur. 134 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our dinosaur," "stomp the Greedy," and "Cripes!"
Mayor Sue Ellen Williams countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of alternate proposals."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Oscar Quincy, a Fremont jogger, was the recipient of 12 offers of donor pinky fingers. The bitter Oscar grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
A commercial jet carrying masses of residents was forced to make a crash-landing in a little field near the Pearson Fish Ranch. Approximately 89 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Cletus Zimmerman, a lethargic ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Zimmerman circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking small fires before judiciously colliding with a fish, which was one of nine grazing in the field.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 146 denizens showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our city has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," said one jolly attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia inhabitants wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," averred one crabby young manager.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 184-person struggle on the Wapeton Doggers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Sam Weiss of the Renton Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Maynard explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Renton coach Diane Jones countered, "That's ludicrous! Weiss tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Allison Carrow is peacefully being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a twisted pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he sighed flatly.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Davis has perfected the wind turbine. Uzbek Mayor Williams has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Davis shamelessly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Uzbek University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Seven actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Young Dental Union showed that Jasonia citizens have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 506 examinations performed since September.
Dr. Leila Weiss, a local dentist noted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this town has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Heartily Horrible Parrot deluxe."
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," stated Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Countless inhabitants threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
"Jasonia desires a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thug Francis Oscar. The judge had no alternative other than to release the foul guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A town official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Jones announced his stance on the latest issue: ant-ranchers with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.
Councilman Adams, always outspoken, noted "I think we should hold back on the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Perry, as usual, responded "It would be in our best interests to continue examining whatever looks good."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 190-person fight on the Tallahassee Oompahs' sidelines last Monday, first string Francis Zimmerman of the Des Moines Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Des Moines coach Mao Haggen responded, "That's ludicrous! Zimmerman tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Will Davis is hastily being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a pulled thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he averred flatly.
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really bouncy motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to VORTEX: return the vegetable before it is too late.