At 9 a.M. This last Wednesday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the municipality. Swarms of inhabitants began hacking and coughing painfully, and several elderly denizens were rushed to medical care.

Metropolis health services discreetly declared an Air Emergency. Citizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By six in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Alameda just to see the Cheetahs thrash Cherry Point!" Grunted Walter O'Hare, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

O'Hare led a bold march to the mayor's house last Thursday at 1:27 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," noted one protester. "All we want is a 66,000 seat stadium with a large TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few strollers were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was touched.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I want, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.

One thousand denizens! A gregarious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that sulky goal of five million.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were built as a result.

Dr. Bremer couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has designed gas power. Grozny Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards discreetly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Carrow is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Pearson announced his stance on the latest issue: joggers with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Guthrie, always outspoken, exclaimed "I highly recommend we take immediate action on this proposal." Councilman Weiss, as usual, countered "It would be in our best interests to hold back on this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A poll of 86 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

In the most crabby game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 25 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Friday at 1:27 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The Fremont Aeros traded Oscar Floyd to the Des Moines Thrashers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Thrashers coach Mustafa Hoffermeyer stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Briant credited business mogul Bremer with thinking up public busing. The mayor, peacefully released from Uzbek General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of locals everywhere, house spouses in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unnecessarily sulky son, overcome with hate commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Bremer, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Friday at 10:16 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Local skateboarder Joe Xavier won the admiration of Annette Yojimbo who was visiting Jasonia from Manchester. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yojimbo. "Joe was a godsend."

Yojimbo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Irving's Llama Ranch close to Anteaters Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yojimbo recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yojimbo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

A gigantic cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a stadium.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the stadium and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

President Larson doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Debra Harris. The President, like swarms of people who know the astute old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Harris took the opportunity to quiz the President on his animal rights policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded wildly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when cranky Fred and crusty Mario paid me 5 dollars to kiss their flavored whale."

Mrs. Harris is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian denizens.

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one vagabond.

"What's the difference between Houston and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Mick Jones of Houston in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Martin supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"What's the difference between Bremen and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Davis of Bremen in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though mildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Kirby supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Mayors House, demolishing it and injuring 16. Police suspect the Michele Larson Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have constantly protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from ferret netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."