Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it will possibly slowly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor exclaimed, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."

A magnanimous woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat killed deliberately.

A local roller blader barked, "I want to pound the eyeball of the genius who thought up this one!"

Residents from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild raccoon. 45 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our raccoon," "crush the Greedy," and "Gee whiz!"

Mayor Habid Rubichek responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should continue examining deployment of this ordinance."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the horrible young jogger passing by did.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

The 1% Income Tax will heartily multiply the town treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been smoothly low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's demands from day five.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Many residents threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"This is the most bitter, tasty, horrible thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one picketer.

President Barton doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Sue Ellen Gumbolt. The President, like hordes of people who know the avid old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Gumbolt took the opportunity to quiz the President on his child care policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl answered nicely, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when gregarious Manny and tepid Arthur paid me 18 dollars to kiss their funky llama."

Mrs. Gumbolt is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian inhabitants.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those cranky jocks affected by this" grunted an observer.

Council voted terribly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise generally wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the community.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Lobby plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them steadily for the decision.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them judiciously for the decision.

Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has built nuclear power.

Peacefully being installed in Pearson's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Turkestan University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and terribly predicted results for later this decade.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has invented the wind turbine.

Actively being installed in Barton's home city, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Kirby.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into solar flypapers and constantly predicted results for later this decade.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Numerous Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Jenny Greene has formed the Animals with citizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Greene.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident observed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the locals' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many citizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Ugly Pearson died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in rugby, Ugly Pearson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Oompahs, then to the Cherry Point Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Pearson was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a strained leg, a broken finger, and a sprained pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Lamar Quincy, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Pearson was, countered, "His tattoo."

Is it hard finding Work:

Mohammed Kapek: "it's extremely hard to find work. I can't think of one kind of job that's easy to get. Even fast food places have more applicants than positions available.

Musashi Haggen: "When My Mom And I Both Had Quatar measles, We Went To The Doctor'S Office. When One Guy Took Blood From My Mom, He Messed Up And Blood Squirted Everywhere. It Was Gross."

Oscar Scirica: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."

Michael Floyd: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 8 months now."

Suzie Weiss: "I have two college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."

Cletus Richards: "I know a woman with a Ph.D. Who is working as a receptionist making $6 an hour. She says she's happy just to have a job!"

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $73 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Inhabitants have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a community like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the recyclable styrofoam.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than an alpaca, I knew he was talking more literally," observed Don, a local inventor.

When Dictator Rubichek of Sudan arrived in Libya for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kapek of Sudan, passionate with concern, jumped uncontrollably, leaving Rubichek with a shattered knee.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Libya Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Bright Young died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in rugby, Bright Young played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Bulldogs, then to the Walla Walla Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Young was among football's most durable players, sustaining a sprained foot, a bent finger, and a twisted knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Andrew Briant, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Young was, responded, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really sweet guy. Call me for his number.