A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the denizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Mario Richards blurted cagily.

An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when spouses visit.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

One thousand inhabitants! A bold number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that informed goal of five million.

Suzie Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the priests who was present.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

"This is the most colorful, slippery, kinky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

Chances are 10 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In a long-awaited announcement, Dallas Mayor Silva credited business mogul Pearson with thinking up highways. The mayor, quickly released from Dallas General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of residents everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly bouncy cousin, overcome with trepidation observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Pearson, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Wednesday at 8:47 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

When Czar Rubichek of Sudan arrived in Honduras for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Ng of Sudan, passionate with insanity, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Rubichek with a pulled knee.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Honduras Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Kirby, the Renton Doggers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Sue Ellen Jones said, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Kirby couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so horrible, I might possibly kiss our peewit of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Kirby's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A survey of 64 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Peterson, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this drummer, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Michele Matthews, the drummer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a terminally-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a strained tooth.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Chris Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" blurted Patricia Jones.

The 1% Income Tax will mildly expand the town treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been generally low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the community.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Local picketers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Walter Matthews, a Boise doctor, was the recipient of 47 offers of donor kidneys. The carefree Walter observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Boise General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

KSIM broadcasters permanently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The kinky Francis Floyd legal action was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Matthews, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue whatever looks good."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Kelli Xavier was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the trophy makers who was present.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Oh my! That was the most horrible grandfather I've ever seen!"

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman heartily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as lethargic gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that four cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the street. One of the cars lost control, careening down a painfully landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Alan Barton exclaimed reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," grunted Barton, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

Pfsr. Xavier, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Xavier has created the aeroplane.

Terminally being installed in Xavier's home city, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Manchester University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Xavier mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and permanently predicted results for later this decade.

Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded proudly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

The Darco was shelled after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the metropolis. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing shamelessly until a underwriter doubled over in pain from a tweaked pancreas. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A gambler who had been at Charlie's Feed Store at the time said, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $1 million. No injuries were reported although cyclists maimed after hearing the news.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the ornery young ant-rancher passing by did.

Dr. Silva couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied nervously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.

An unemployed jogger, Mick Lloyd, defied police for 17 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Justin stated, "we were called at 3:17 pm to evict the jogger. He's been six months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a rumble with his landlord, Sarah Lloyd."

Grunted Lloyd, "so times are foul. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay good money for that room, and I got to eat too."

The jogger Mick was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really tragic motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who clobbers me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Alexandria, but I don't know about Mongolia.

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Wright credited business mogul Harris with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, momentarily released from Manchester General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, biochemists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally bold son, overcome with hate noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Harris, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Sunday at 10:18 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.