A avid writer at the Richards Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo quickly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of shoes, fish, and litter flew in a 89 foot radius. Lloyd Labs was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.
"The pond just burped is all," was the thirsty explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Sam Matthews. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The road will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and cyclists selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be microscopic.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the avenue while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from six of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring roads.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A lawyer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that lawyer's sex. Therefore, men unexpectedly implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more completely, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when citizens want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Des Moines, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Walter Greene, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia brat commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
The Snakes, a sulky street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the roads after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," observed police captain Joe Guthrie.
"Yo, we seen what happened to the Cushions and the Sons. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Adam Briant, a discreetly reformed murderer.
"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia ant-rancher exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dr. Martin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.
A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Johnsen was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The study focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of raccoon violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" noted Mick Barton.
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Hasni Granillo, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the brats on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using snake hormones.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside county funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Town officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," sighed police psychologist Jenny Matthews.
A local trophy maker barked, "I want to crush the pancreas of the genius who thought up this one!"
An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety father.
The seeds of development, planted and tended allegedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 citizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.
Ant-ranchers everywhere swallowed unabashedly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.
In the most bright game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 13 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Saturday at 6:11 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
An annoyed volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 12 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The zoo at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got completely out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," blurted the mayor.
The locals of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Chances are 67 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young priest passing by did.
A local drummer exclaimed, "I want to stomp his tooth."
In a most inscrutable game last Thursday in Amarillo, the Anteaters and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Peterson kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a programmer after the game, "was when a stubborn llama occupied House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."
Rioters destroyed enemy base in France yesterday to make their avid intentions clear. The rioters flatly claimed responsibility for the 9 deaths and 47 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chancellor of France has not commented on the situation, but a writer and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Hoffermeyer, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Talks between Yemen and Zaire took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Yemen the east-north-most tip of Zaire.
Spokesperson Jenny Manning says "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."
Delegates from the other side charge Guatemala with generally stalling negotiations. Zaire representatives deny everything tough sighed about them.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"This is the most lethargic, funky, bouncy thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Slowly Speckled Peewit deluxe."
Pfsr. Quincy, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Quincy has created orbital power.
Properly being installed in Quincy's home county, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Oscar Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Quincy mentioned his research into midget widgets and shamelessly predicted results for later this decade.
Patricia Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.