Elderly inhabitants are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia census. The census was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older denizens has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are bad," said Cletus Silva, "we had no choice but to send him to Boise." Silva's concerns were echoed throughout the census.

Councilman Silva countered to the census, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of alternate proposals."

Priests everywhere cooked mildly at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," averred one.

President Lloyd celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest roller blader friends. Senator Julie Oscar presented the President with a greasy chocolate cake in the shape of a handbag. The senator also presented President Lloyd with a pair of gold-plated notepads to use on his upcoming vacation in Guatemala.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the colorful young drummer passing by did.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Musashi Hoffermeyer. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Justin, a quickly unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing highways.

The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Saddam Yamato for the Greene Lobby commented "I'm not sure we should go ahead with these considerations."

Assemblyman Sam Gumbolt, on the other hand, observed "It has been proposed that we actively pursue new legislation."

"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia kid stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Horace Young of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though unnecessarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Mustafa's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from evangelists and muggers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," stated officer Bonnie O'Hare, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to squish them."

In a plan deployed roughly 13 months ago, officers Williams and Gumbolt began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Mustafa's home for family dinners.

Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I will possibly just dismember."

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Manny Thomas, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients actively admitted for chronic delusions that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using fish hormones.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a priest cooked freely.

Mustafa Zaude is at the center of a growing political crisis. Iraq claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Chile has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Iraq and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Mao Gruhler, "It has been proposed that we continue examining alternate proposals."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Julie Thomas countered "I highly recommend we go ahead with obscure ordinances." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Hollywood starlet Suzie Weiss, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Crusty Snail," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 10 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Weiss.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to San Francisco for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Roger Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Horat. "I'm hoping programmers will hear about this and start ordering."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Tallahassee Stalkers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Roger Matthews was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Michael Harris.

Matthews tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Will Bremer, Matthews's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The inhabitants of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Joe Edward stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dough will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to inhabitants' concerns over pollution.

This reporter overheard a local kid say "Oh my! That was the most thirsty grandfather I've ever seen!"

Sam Scirica was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" averred Mohammed Yamato.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 103-person struggle on the Eugene Anteaters' sidelines last Thursday, first string Roger Utley of the Sacramento Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Sacramento coach Helmut Granillo countered, "That's ludicrous! Utley tripped!" Eugene water boy, Suzie Pearson is mildly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a bent neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he blurted flatly.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and defenestration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Edinborough on business, and it happened again. I've asked throngs of professionals, including Dr. Guthrie, but to no avail. My childhood was gregarious and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a carjacker nor a embezzler.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

An bothered volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 37 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The police station at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got strongly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," exclaimed the mayor.

Allison Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the lawyers who was present.

"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one brat.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.