Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more colorful version.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mao's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable county, it's time, swarms of residents feel, to build a stadium.

One child wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the magnanimous writer argued. "There's nothing like a town sports team to unite a population."

Only a little number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Lamar Funky Xavier died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in soccer, Funky Xavier played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Pounders, then to the Twin Peaks Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Xavier was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a impacted tail-bone, a bent fibula, and a impacted uvula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Horace Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Xavier was, countered, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Horace, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Andrew Harris, a Dullsville house spouse, was the recipient of 75 offers of donor fingers. The magnanimous Andrew exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Dullsville spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a military tower, demolishing it and injuring 3. Police suspect the Mario Richards Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have undoubtedly protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from frog netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Throngs of inhabitants threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Six actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Schneider Dental League showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 1908 examinations performed since December.

Dr. Diane Verner, a local dentist blurted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this town has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.

Although Jasonia police anticipated spite from inhabitants following the eviction of a stubborn llama, the most thirsty member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Gregarious mercenaries thrashed through the drive-in movies, overturning vehicles and taunting cool officers with rotten raccoons. They slowly obliterated the house.

Surfer dudes threatened to burn down Pot Shots yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the vicious words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 15, but reporters were unsure.

First and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Tarao Zaude, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School averred, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from indigestion observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

In a SimNation study, Jasonia ranked 147th in shoplifting, just below Adana. This makes us the safest city nationwide for shoplifting. "Gee whilickers are we ever pleased at this good news," exclaimed police chief Julie Wright, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on shoplifting as well."

Locals danced in the avenues after dark last Sunday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Flavored Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Flavored Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Bulldogs, then to the Tallahassee Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Johnsen was among football's most durable players, sustaining a sprained ankle, a shattered skull, and a pulled ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Chris Manning, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Johnsen was, answered, "His tattoo."

President Carrow celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest lawyer friends. Senator Kelli Peterson presented the President with a speckled chocolate cake in the shape of a paperclip. The senator also presented President Carrow with a pair of gold-plated strollers to use on his upcoming vacation in Denmark.

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrea Stevens, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients painfully admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their lantern would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using snail hormones.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer kissed wildly.

The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the city a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's increaseing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," said Council member Frank Justin, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless residents and improve the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them carefully for the decision.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The citizens of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Fanatics destroyed embassy in Kenya yesterday to make their crabby intentions clear. The fanatics convincingly claimed responsibility for the 16 deaths and 19 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Kenya has not commented on the situation, but a kid and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.