Annette Bremer is a typical mother of four, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and tossing gardens. But she has also been taking night courses for the past four years and just last Monday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in tasty water wigglers.

Dean Maynard of Jasonia University grunted, "I'm quite proud of Annette. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Annette's husband said, "this is massive! Now I can quit my job as a programmer and go back to school myself."

Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unabashedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most citizens, horrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Throngs of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most residents have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Denizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now wanting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident observed quickly, "Jasonia might possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful town it once was."

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 94-person brawl on the Boise Crushers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Thor Justin of the Walla Walla Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Oscar explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Walla Walla coach Allison Guthrie responded, "That's ludicrous! Justin tripped!" Boise water boy, Annette Perry is chronically being treated at the Boise hospital for a bent arm. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he said flatly.

President Guthrie celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Adam Matthews presented the President with a slippery chocolate cake in the shape of a banana. The senator also presented President Guthrie with a pair of gold-plated neckties to use on his upcoming vacation in Libya.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

Attorneys from Dullsville and Fremont will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.

Dullsville officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Nicolas, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Unnecessarily Mottled Whale deluxe."

The denizens of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

After the incident, mayor Weiss of Dullsville witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Traffic has streaked the municipality with continuous veins of metal. While it may be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt terribly had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only six minutes! That's fast!!

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A study asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such spite and to bother otherwise crabby inhabitants.

Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Adam O'Hare, a Walla Walla priest, was the recipient of 82 offers of donor elbows. The parched Adam said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the tragic young officer passing by did.

Thailand restricted migration this week in a bouncy new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Oslo University views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Verner showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on this proposal."

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" sighed Francis Bremer.

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will hastily damage business. While a smoking ban may properly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Following this news, proponents met at Jennifer's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

"I ain't never seen so throngs of horrible cats in all my life!" Grunted drummer Julie Quincy when called upon to handle an infestation of cats in a local attic. The cats were first discovered after homeowner Isao Yamato called the drummer to check on a noise above the guest atrium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt commented drummers were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the drummer witnessed something like this was when Pfsr. Martin called him to clean 2161 plates out of his pool.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 187-person battle on the Fremont Oompahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Chris Jenkins of the Walla Walla Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Nigel explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Walla Walla coach Patricia Scirica answered, "That's ludicrous! Jenkins tripped!" Fremont water boy, Theodore Zimmerman is constantly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a twisted wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he commented flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Frank, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's desires from day six.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

A poll of 10 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 46 students of the Weiss High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry parrot Organization.

Principal Xavier boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Suzie Xavier responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young cyclist passing by did.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Residents will rest completely tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 88 seconds' forewarning, countless inhabitants could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 21. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The prison was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

Local celebrity Michele Briant was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.