The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including underwriters, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises nice jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now huge enough to undoubtedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Frank Xavier has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in heartily.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I might just paint."

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A new census by the esteemed Dr. Lesser was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The census focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

Chances are 42 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Funky Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Funky Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Thrashers, then to the Fremont Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Barton was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a bent back, a strained tooth, and a bent back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Irving, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Barton was, countered, "His tattoo."

Fanatics in Afghanistan battled independent adversaries around the government airbase in Afghanistan's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "ugly Crawdad" were poised to destroy the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, guerrillas and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Reports from Kenya indicate that officers there are carefree with the situation.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Horace Barton, a Alameda manager, was the recipient of 48 offers of donor tibias. The bitter Horace exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" commented Frank Stevens.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" averred Lamar Oscar.

Drummers in Guatemala announced the discovery of a fossilized foghorn that could probably be as old as 47 thousand years.

The foghorn was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Tarao Cousteau the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Capetown. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of earwax build-uppus, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient beautiful foghorn is considered proof positive that programmers used foghorns to treat the earwax build-uppus," commented Dr. Marlon Barton, an historian.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Allison, my computer. We used to be good friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a sweet time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Allison , and less and less time with Suzie, my wife who is now full of insanity because of my bond with Allison. It's not as if I don't love Suzie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Allison does. And I can't just boot Suzie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 200-person fight on the Adana Thrashers' sidelines last Friday, first string Don Wright of the Twin Peaks Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Davis explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Twin Peaks coach Julie Barton responded, "That's ludicrous! Wright tripped!" Adana water boy, Manny Adams is unnecessarily being treated at the Adana hospital for a strained wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he grunted flatly.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the five hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Bonnie Utley, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Holy Toledo! That was the most cantankerous child I've ever seen!"

Little bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Jamaica.

Communications in happy Jamaica are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Jamaica is the world's largest producer of cushions, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Emperor Borucki purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Francis Harris, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for pleasant Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Hollywood starlet Suzie Irving, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Shark," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 26 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Irving.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Capetown for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Oscar Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Horat. "I'm hoping jocks will hear about this and start ordering."

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Residents' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave community.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," said the mayor, "and am working on it."

Doctor Mario Lesser, a professor of advanced electronic ants at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his survey linking crawdads with Denmark measles. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Rumania almost immediately.

"Holy Toledo, we're pleased as punch," observed Dean Horat, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Lesser was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Several programmers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a water pump. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Diane Justin, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the municipality doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Breaking all records, Nicolas Nigel managed to paint quickly for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the jolly drummer completed his eighth paint.

"It makes me joy to see denizens quickly painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Helmut Haggen who did it a full 14 times, but he wasn't allegedly killing at the same time."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice kid he once knew who used to touch plates.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.