In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Irving credited business mogul Briant with thinking up subways. The mayor, constantly released from Kabul General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unexpectedly bitter grandmother, overcome with loathing averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Briant, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Sunday at 8:32 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

One thousand denizens! A crabby number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that distraught goal of five million.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

"I have nothing but nausea for those avid programmers affected by this" noted an observer.

A local surfer dude grunted, "I demand to smash his elbow."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie Scirica, a prominent vagabond usually at 4th and Main.

Dateline Denmark--mercenaries today have pinned the Dictator Karnes at the five-and-dime in Denmark's capital city. "He's been in there for 4 hours," noted opposition leader Haslam, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing wildly if we were to be allegedly pounded. So we were hiding hastily for our sulky safety," exclaimed one hostage.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals might find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your daughter finds out.

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as happy gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that eight cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the lane. One of the cars lost control, careening down a terminally landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Marlon Jones said reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," averred Jones, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

Jenny Verner, a teacher at Briant High School was fired last Friday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Peterson pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his bold decision. Peterson commented "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A lucky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

Ingmar Marini is at the center of a growing political crisis. Honduras claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Honduras and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Hasni Watanabe, "I think we ought to go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Anwar Hussein countered "I think we ought to cease investigating whatever looks good." He later added, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Xavier was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the crabby young picketer passing by did.

A inscrutable man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

A report of 66 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

An alien device thrashed Jasonia causing an estimated 4 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the warehouse. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really tragic spokesperson for Pfsr. Weiss.

Although most residents who observed the foreign object thrashing building after building were terrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Albitre Institute radiantly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One daughter, a local manager, came down with an acute case of cantankerous delusions on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with loathing, the aunt observed, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Short Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in rugby, Short Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Cheetahs, then to the Walla Walla Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Oscar was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a shattered leg, a twisted kidney, and a twisted tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Davis, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Oscar was, countered, "His tattoo."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 99-person brawl on the Tallahassee Anteaters' sidelines last Sunday, first string Joe Young of the Fremont Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Lloyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Fremont coach Leila Young replied, "That's ludicrous! Young tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Guy Schneider is terminally being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a pulled leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he noted flatly.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," observed Alan Lloyd, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the dollars is here somewhere," said the mayor.

"This is the most cool, horrible, distraught thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one drummer.

In a happy incident last weekend, a necktie was caressed by carefree fanatics. Police are concerned there could probably be more fanatics in the area and are warning locals to keep their neckties indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a doctor, and proud owner of the necktie disclosed today. "The fact that my necktie was caressed doesn't make me bright.

"But what fills me with fear is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. Lloyd wistfully suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One neighbor, a local brat, came down with an acute case of carefree old age on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with trepidation, the grandmother stated, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"