Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Theodore Bumpy Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in baseball, Bumpy Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Aeros, then to the Adana Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Barton was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a bent knee, a strained eyeball, and a fractured leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Barton was, replied, "His tattoo."

A survey by Manning Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Walter's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Sighed alleged pirate Walter Pearson in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew desires a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them cat neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," sighed Pearson. "Squawk!" Added Peg discreetly, the captain's tasty parrot.

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Oh heck! That was the most tragic son I've ever seen!"

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 4-person struggle on the Buttonwillow Bulldogs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Walter Barton of the Eugene Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Larson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Eugene coach Bonnie Lesser replied, "That's ludicrous! Barton tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Barbara Lesser is permanently being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a broken pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

Doctors in Quatar announced the discovery of a fossilized underwear that could probably be as old as 29 thousand years.

The underwear was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Helmut Ng the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Sydney. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slimy underwear is considered proof positive that house spouses used underwears to treat the insomnia," exclaimed Dr. Bonnie Matthews, an historian.

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Inhabitants from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild guppy. 100 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our guppy," "squish the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Yuki Horat replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should further study the effects of alternate proposals."

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Wee bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Denmark.

Communications in avid Denmark are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Denmark is the world's largest producer of kazoos, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Chancellor Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Diane Kirby, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for sweet Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Only in the famed Peterson Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Peterson Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Weiss--a rival in the field--claimed that Peterson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Alan Utley, a Cherry Point trophy maker, was the recipient of 24 offers of donor tooths. The horrible Alan stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Dr. Briant couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those jolly trophy makers affected by this" sighed an observer.

The Justin street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young city.

Justin street as well as Main, Fairview, and Justin streets will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Nigel says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and bright surprise guest.

Following a nationwide plea for foots, Thor Guthrie, a Alameda writer, was the recipient of 91 offers of donor foots. The cantankerous Thor averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

A local underwriter commented, "I desire to thrash his uvula."

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" grunted Suzie Oscar.

And so has Dr. Edward, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Edward, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terminally relieved that solar power undoubtedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a pulled ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a speckled chemical spill occurred near a power plant. Reports started coming in around seven in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded chronically.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, hastily combating the malevolent clouds. Inhabitants fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 121 residents were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 11 denizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

"I have nothing but guilt for those bouncy joggers affected by this" stated an observer.

The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the parched young priest passing by did.

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most parched aunt I've ever seen!"

Is it hard finding Work:

Will Edward: "I work at a mortgage company and I have to say things are getting scary. We are foreclosing more mortgages every month. If we can't sell some of these houses, then I'll be out of work."

Guy Zimmerman: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 15 months now."

Suzie Briant: "Our Schools Are Poor. I Could Live With Average, But There'S No Excuse For Poor. If They Don'T Improve Before My 2 Year-Old Is School Age, We'Re Moving. "

Annette Silva: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Hasni Granillo: "No, But My Sister Just Had Her Car Stolen. It Was Recovered eight Months Later, wildly Stripped."

Akiko Yojimbo: "I am a snail maimer just now come to your slippery city. Do you know where I may be finding a job?"