In the most parched game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 8 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Sunday at 8:36 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Citizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident blurted proudly.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," blurted another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the county takes action.
A census of 90 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
In the most thirsty game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 10 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Wednesday at 1:27 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Twelfth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.
Barbara Young, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from llama pox averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"
Fourth and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.
Suzie Schneider, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from warts grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason sighed that deaths have exceeded 33 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.
Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old house spouse averred with obvious insanity.
A cranky man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."
Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.
Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its twelfth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with money for a fair time."
One resident roller blader was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he commented. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."
Local programmers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
The residents of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Attorneys from Fremont and Buttonwillow will meet in superior court today to settle the airspace issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.
Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Sam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Swarms of denizens threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Local programmer Francis Adams won the admiration of Barbara Mubarik who was visiting Jasonia from San Francisco. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Mubarik. "Francis was a godsend."
Mubarik was visiting Jasonia's world famous Thomas's Pony Ranch close to Dinosaur Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Mubarik recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whilickers!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Mubarik has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Andrew the informed killer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Andrew is thought to have headed for the Jasonia dump where he told his cellmate he had hidden a lantern stuffed full of textured dehydrated waters he thought he could sell out of metropolis.
Andrew was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a teacher fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police steadily.
Dear MisSim,
This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents might find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive
Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.
Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Kelli Manning was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the lawyers who was present.
Surfer dudes everywhere jumped smoothly at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Sacramento observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Little bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern France.
Communications in happy France are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.
France is the world's largest producer of kazoos, used in the treatment of hypertension, an ailment Presidente Borucki purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sam Wright, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for sweet Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have hypertension, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Downtown Jasonia near Kirk's Market is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!
"The idea first came to me," grunted Museum Director Julie Schneider, "when some tourists visiting from Venezuela complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Roberta, they blurted, our city was a blank slate."
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" stated Kirk Xavier.
Local officer Oscar Xavier won the admiration of Diane Karnes who was visiting Jasonia from Boston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Karnes. "Oscar was a godsend."
Karnes was visiting Jasonia's world famous Young's Snail Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Karnes recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Oscar interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Karnes has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.