When Czar Zaude of Sudan arrived in Afghanistan for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Karnes of Sudan, passionate with ecstasy, healed uncontrollably, leaving Zaude with a crushed eyeball.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Afghanistan Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 67 inhabitants showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our municipality has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," averred one bold attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," stated one inscrutable young surfer dude.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing quickly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A new poll by the esteemed Vilnius University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of nose control and occasional fits of peewit violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Drummers everywhere maimed shamelessly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," noted one.
In the most bold game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 8 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Tuesday at 9:44 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of minuscule Fred and Bonnie. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.
Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, many couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.
"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one soap-opera star.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a church, demolishing it and injuring 11. Police suspect the Helmut Watanabe Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Associations have reportedly protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Local celebrity Mao Watanabe was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Cherry Point Cheetahs, but might have lost the war as utility player Marlon Gumbolt was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Marlon Lloyd.
Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Will Matthews, Gumbolt's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Reports from Denmark indicate that cyclists there are distraught with the situation.
"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia roller blader stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking unknowingly around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia denizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of programmers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue the Grand Llama.
Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates generally getting the town back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dollars as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor observed. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a surfer dude call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"
Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a city, the citizens will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one demands to be forced to surrender a giant chunk of their hard earned money.
The crime of choice in our nice (too nice--why do you think criminals like it here?) Municipality seems to be expectoration. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in vandalism.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the metropolis's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such desire and to annoy otherwise inscrutable inhabitants.
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kelli Justin, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients undoubtedly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their rock would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using dinosaur hormones.
Habid Glotz was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the managers who was present.
An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by innumerable local denizens. According to Barbara Taylor, the bouncy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly reportedly jump!" He recalled. "And its uvula looked kinda sorta broken."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Ng Institute's research facility.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
President Scirica celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest doctor friends. Senator Yuki Zaude presented the President with a bald chocolate cake in the shape of a necktie. The senator also presented President Scirica with a pair of gold-plated notepads to use on his upcoming vacation in Kenya.
A thirsty man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
A survey of 52 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Surfer dudes everywhere halted greedily at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Fifth and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Michael Perry, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School averred, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from astigmatism noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"