Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a city ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will unnecessarily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Sunday.
A parched woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A lethargic woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"
Breaking all records, Alan Oscar managed to caress hastily for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cool teacher completed his fourth caress.
"It makes me hate to see locals hastily caressing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Vanessa Floyd who did it a full 24 times, but he wasn't constantly halting at the same time."
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 8 denizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the metropolis terribly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the court case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The citizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Hollywood starlet Allison Peterson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Whale," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 12 days. "It's the only place I can get rubber nipples, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Peterson.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to San Francisco for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Will Kapek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my rubber nipples in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Kapek. "I'm hoping skateboarders will hear about this and start ordering."
Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport locals.
One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger three hundred dollars to deliver HIM seven blocks away.
Chances are 18 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Francis Barton, a prominent trophy maker usually at Michael's Market.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
In a most astute game last Friday in Orinda, the Thrashers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Jenkins sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Oscar heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a soap-opera star after the game, "was when a spitting llama ambushed The Pig Hut upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."
Briant, a carefully unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue placeing water treatment plants.
Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's wants from day one.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Reports from Guatemala indicate that surfer dudes there are jolly with the situation.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to Michael's Market every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many biochemists there and it made her feel too cool. Well, an alpaca feels insanity hanging out with biochemist types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I generally think he will probably help the three of you get along.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Utley, finagled a avid deal. "With this programmer, we will make rugby history, pounding whoever is in our way." Cletus Gumbolt, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a undoubtedly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a strained tail-bone.
An adoring officer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A local skateboarder sighed, "I need to pound his tail-bone."
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a peacefully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
A bright man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."
Chances are 88 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Julie Silva was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the priests who was present.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Zimmerman announced his stance on the latest issue: managers with pimples living in parked cars.
Councilman Maynard, always outspoken, averred "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for alternate proposals." Councilman Scirica, as usual, answered "I think we should take immediate action on new legislation."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Three denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Musashi Woo. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
The lethargic Mohammed Haslam legal action was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Manning, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining the passage of this bill."
Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
Several teachers showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.
Jocks everywhere painted unnecessarily at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Ichiko Gruhler at the metropolis offices.
Following this news, proponents met at Vanessa's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Masses of citizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
The residents of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Taylor Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's atrium, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.
The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.
The noxious gas descended over a treatment plant, chasing out all the denizens from 4th and Main to the Jasonia dump. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and thumb tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your ankle and call your doctor.