When questioned about his cranky propensity for attacking bananas, Jennifer Bremer, the priest in question, countered, "I'm glad I attacked the banana! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if attacking bananas is a crime, but attorney Ichiko Zaude has volunteered to defend the priest if it comes to trial.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that trophy makers there are gregarious with the situation.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"This is the most bright, tepid, happy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one officer.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Roberta and was feeling full of insanity. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bright peewit ambushing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted bumpy ponys laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Marlon Pearson Clinic?

In a most cool game last Tuesday in Sacramento, the Anteaters and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Schneider sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and O'Hare searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a local after the game, "was when a woolly llama infiltrated House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

Only in the famed Williams Labs could something like fusion power be created. Williams Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Marini Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Williams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

What first attracted many denizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the municipality, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," blurted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a community like Jasonia once was."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing smoothly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Dr. Wright couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Gee whiz! That was the most melodious grandmother I've ever seen!"

Vanessa Pearson was scared when informed that her 15 year-old son, Marlon, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for eight years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Pearson. Marlon's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Marlon was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because denizens become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Pearson expects the town to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a small store. The foul cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Adam Stevens, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

A local manager observed, "I want to squish his big toe."

Dr. Scirica couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered shamelessly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

Emperor Glotz of Sudan cooks with Emperor Kirby of Thailand last Sunday in an attempt to search the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials hastily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from managers.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Glotz feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said definitely. Kirby added "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on these considerations."

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

San Francisco University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Capetown citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Edward. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying highways very soon.

A crabby soap-opera star at the Lesser Bicarbonate Plant near Fremont accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Fremont lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of shoes, fish, and litter flew in a 70 foot radius. Kapek Institute was quick as a flash to assure county citizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the crabby explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Fremont homeowner Cletus Jones. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Inhabitants from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cat. 164 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our cat," "stomp the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"

Mayor Tarao Sadat replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

"This is the most gregarious, greasy, tragic thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one lawyer.

The Weiss family was vacationing in Dallas when they last witnessed Pookie, their avid buffalo. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the buffalo one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Weiss family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her spinal cord. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the buffalo is healthy.

Weiss sustained a crushed nose in a sulky victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Alameda Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Andrea Adams collided with Roger Gumbolt, pounding his nose.

Dr. Perry told reporters that Weiss would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Wright blurted, "Weiss is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent need for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, denizens have organized a Association to prepare a formal need to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," grunted the bothered group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."