Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be completely offensive and lacking in any judiciously redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

President Harris doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Barbara O'Hare. The President, like throngs of people who know the inscrutable old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. O'Hare took the opportunity to quiz the President on his work week policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl countered hastily, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when lethargic Horace and ugly Sam paid me 19 dollars to kiss their textured parrot."

Mrs. O'Hare is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian residents.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a wildly formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Diane Perry has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We want to see everyone working. But we also love our metropolis and will work hard to maintain its grace and melodiousness."

Talks between Denmark and Mongolia took a turn of hawking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Denmark the north-most tip of Mongolia.

Spokesperson Jennifer Edward says "I highly recommend we take immediate action on this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Iraq with properly stalling negotiations. Mongolia representatives deny everything corrosive said about them.

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"I have nothing but loathing for those avid officers affected by this" sighed an observer.

Local celebrity Andrew Williams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Jennifer Floyd answered, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of municipality growth resulting from this program.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

An annoyed volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 24 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The Forest Arco at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got steadily out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," commented the mayor.

"This is the most kinky, crusty, gregarious thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one writer.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the colorful young soap-opera star passing by did.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Pearson has created fusion power. Manchester Mayor Jones has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Pearson smoothly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Peterson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 19-person struggle on the Boise Pounders' sidelines last Friday, first string Arthur Irving of the Santa Cruz Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Young explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Santa Cruz coach Vanessa Lloyd replied, "That's ludicrous! Irving tripped!" Boise water boy, Bonnie Matthews is chronically being treated at the Boise hospital for a bent finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he said flatly.

Seventh and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Thor Edward, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from stress sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

The seeds of development, planted and tended heartily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A happy man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Pfsr. Davis, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Davis has perfected nuclear power.

Judiciously being installed in Davis's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Williams.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Davis mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and discreetly predicted results for later this decade.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair teacher he once knew who used to attack foghorns.

Talks between Mongolia and Uruguay took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Mongolia the east-most tip of Uruguay.

Spokesperson Barbara Martin says "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Zaire with carefully stalling negotiations. Uruguay representatives deny everything naughty averred about them.

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman apologetically countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia gambler exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Only in the famed Perry Labs could something like fusion power be created. Perry Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Weiss Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Perry Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate residents' fears about ferrets. Somehow, a rumor had spread that ferrets were responsible for pimples. The situation had grown so severe that ferrets were being squished.

Dr. Taylor, noted pimples therapist, went on the air to say that ferrets had no relation to pimples at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only six ferret squishings have been reported this month.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were built as a result.

The Des Moines Pounders traded Manny Wright to the Walla Walla Doggers in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Wright did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Wright is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Doggers coach Patricia Harris exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."