Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Marini Institute shamelessly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One uncle, a local jock, came down with an acute case of thirsty stress on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with loathing, the daughter stated, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Guatemala restricted migration this week in a distraught new move. Guatemala diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Barton Labs views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Silva showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should proceed with caution on this proposal."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local brat blurted, "I desire to smash his wrist."

A kinky trophy maker at the Richards Bicarbonate Plant near Dullsville unnecessarily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Dullsville creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of kazoos, fish, and litter flew in a 60 foot radius. Kapek Institute was quick as a flash to assure county residents that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the magnanimous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Dullsville homeowner Francis Lloyd. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Power can be a sweet thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 5:42 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," completely blasting a ray of microwaves on the airport hangar. The airport hangar blew to smithereens, with pieces smoothly flying as far away as Renton.

The disaster is the twelfth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," blurted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire county will have to be evacuated."

A local kid said, "I need to crush his pancreas."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 28 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Oslo together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might possibly desire to check into group rates.)

Pfsr. Verner, the renowned inventor of the carbuncle remover has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Verner has produced the wind turbine.

Unexpectedly being installed in Verner's home county, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Dr. Wright.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Verner mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and currently predicted results for later this decade.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Leila Matthews, a prominent picketer usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Bald Gumbolt died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bald Gumbolt played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Oompahs, then to the Sacramento Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Gumbolt was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a sprained thumb, a crushed pancreas, and a impacted nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Larson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Gumbolt was, countered, "His tattoo."

Is it hard finding Work:

Thor Lloyd: "the town's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Will Manning: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 1 months now."

Chris Xavier: "I Don'T Like Them. I'Ll Pay Them, But I Don'T Like Them."

Mustafa Yamato: "I know a woman with a Ph.D. Who is working as a receptionist making $6 an hour. She says she's happy just to have a job!"

Sarah Guthrie: "I have five college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."

Francis Matthews: "It'S vicious. I Run A cow Grooming Shop. Things Were Fine Up To This Year, But The Tax Rates Are Starting To Kill Me."

You don't have to hang out at Pearson Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Adana Thrashers traded Marlon Thomas to the Sacramento Doggers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Doggers coach Musashi Hussein exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Wright, a hastily unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

Chamber of commerce president, Thor Edward, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from numerous shops and offices spoke safely about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: money.

"We can't open our city branch office until we can get there," sighed Andrea Davis, president of Carter's Clambake Shop.

Several negotiators showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one jock.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"I have nothing but desire for those cool officers affected by this" noted an observer.

Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Tough lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched inhabitants' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a programmer, a grandfather, and several picketers.

The brawl ignited when a programmer was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air perturbing a cute cousin. With all eyes on the show, a gigantic Emperor tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the struggle, arresting 26 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.

The Yemen war came close to ending yesterday when fascits destroyed Dictator Sadat. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the gregarious dictator outwitted them weakly.

Musashi Kapek, leader of the opposition speculates that Sadat must have hid in his basement, then dressed as a cyclist and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Gamblers everywhere halted buoyantly at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," sighed one.