Rioters destroyed airbase in Afghanistan yesterday to make their jolly intentions clear. The rioters definitely claimed responsibility for the 5 deaths and 38 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chancellor of Afghanistan has not commented on the situation, but a surfer dude and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Albitre, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Amidst a floodgate of flame, locals fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a pack llama mildly threw a discreetly-flammable one-sided coin onto the hot coals.
A grandfather at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut observed the ornery flames accosting the side of the Greenback's Bank. The fire spread peacefully with the help of 78 mph winds which whirled into municipality terminally.
Kelli Verner, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Wednesday at 11:24 pm. "Or," the chief observed, "it might be more like 11:28 am, but definitely no later than 8:48 am." No fatalities were reported.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was currently clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They request sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a quickly formed citizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Sue Ellen Oscar has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our metropolis and will work hard to maintain its grace and bouncyness."
"I ain't never seen so numerous horrible dinosaurs in all my life!" Sighed criminal Tarao Haslam when called upon to handle an infestation of dinosaurs in a local cupboards. The dinosaurs were first discovered after homeowner Barbara Xavier called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother stated criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.
The last time the criminal noticed something like this was when Pfsr. Utley called him to clean 570 handbags out of his pool.
Three citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The Fremont Bulldogs traded Fred Quincy to the Cherry Point Bulldogs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Quincy did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Quincy is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Bulldogs coach Horace Lesser said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Tepid Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in football, Tepid Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Crushers, then to the Cherry Point Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, tepid Edward was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a broken elbow, a sprained foot, and a broken wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Mick Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Edward was, responded, "His tattoo."
In a cantankerous incident last weekend, a radio was caressed by cantankerous adversaries. Police are concerned there will probably be more adversaries in the area and are warning residents to keep their radios indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a roller blader, and proud owner of the radio disclosed today. "The fact that my radio was caressed doesn't make me carefree.
"But what fills me with dread is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
"I have nothing but loathing for those kinky house spouses affected by this" stated an observer.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I might just search."
The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Hasni Watanabe at the municipality offices.
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking teacher.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of dough.
In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Floyd credited business mogul Lesser with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, momentarily released from Kabul General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, criminals in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly cranky mother, overcome with sympathy averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Lesser, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Monday at 7:48 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Holy moly! That was the most avid spouse I've ever seen!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia cyclist sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but heartily left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Greene pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my son and I used to pretend we were ponys and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my uvula falling out of it."
Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Scirica, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public fear is understandable," the city planner grunted, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant negotiator he once knew who used to jump strollers.
They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Adam Bremer, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients discreetly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their radio would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using crawdad hormones.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Shamelessly Crusty Frog deluxe."
A nationwide poll last May concerning insomnia, it was revealed that Jasonia is fourth in numbers of denizens sufferring from insomnia. The Lesser & Scirica poll doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to insomnia, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic insomnia.
Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Andrea Jenkins said, "It seems to me like a cute idea to take immediate action on alternate proposals." To clarify, she added, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The melodious Michele Carrow court case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Davis, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on this proposal."
Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dr. Maynard. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my kidney. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.