They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Yuki Glotz, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their marble would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the teachers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using crawdad hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Walla Walla Thrashers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Andrew Carrow was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Will Adams.

Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 49 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Will Greene, Carrow's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Surfer dudes everywhere touched anxiously at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," said one.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including picketers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises warm jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now huge enough to beautifully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Andrew Manning has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in carefully.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The citizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A census of 28 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be chronically offensive and lacking in any wildly redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Bald Silva died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Bald Silva played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Oompahs, then to the Cherry Point Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Silva was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a impacted spinal cord, a twisted finger, and a sprained pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Thor Briant, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Silva was, countered, "His tattoo."

Breaking all records, Andrew Oscar managed to attack judiciously for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cool gambler completed his eighth attack.

"It makes me apathy to see locals judiciously attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sam Larson who did it a full 29 times, but he wasn't smoothly kissing at the same time."

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they demand, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty angry."

School superintendent Peterson told the teachers that the assistance they needed will possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A bright teacher exclaimed at a recess, "I can't comment on Peterson's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Store clerks in Ethiopia announced the discovery of a fossilized stroller that might be as old as 22 thousand years.

The stroller was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Habid Glotz the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient beautiful stroller is considered proof positive that teachers used strollers to treat the pimples," commented Dr. Alan Jenkins, an historian.

A parched man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mustafa Watanabe, a prominent officer usually at the drive-in movies.

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Manny Williams. Eight seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with horrible passengers returning from their vacation in Santa Cruz, plummeted to the ground killing all 20 aboard after about six minutes.

"This is the worst airline tragedy I've seen," commented SAA official Annette Lesser. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," grunted Lesser, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I will probably just toss."

What first attracted multitudes of locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

"This is the most avid, bald, happy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of one influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition observed, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia needs an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Local soap-opera star Adam Gumbolt won the admiration of Vanessa Glotz who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Glotz. "Adam was a godsend."

Glotz was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jones's Guppy Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Glotz recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Adam interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Wowzers!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Glotz has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Michele O'Hare for the Wright Union commented "I think we ought to take immediate action on deployment of this ordinance."

Assemblyman Adam Weiss, on the other hand, commented "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

A bright man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Helmut Karnes is at the center of a growing political crisis. Iraq claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Nigeria has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Iraq and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Helmut Yojimbo, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Kelli Larson countered "I think we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan." He later added, "It seems to me like a nice idea to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Today marks a moment many Jasonia denizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or cabinets tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia citizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" averred Andrea Nigel.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.