Harris Co. And Oscar Fabrication just demoted 717 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as many employers cut back. Although the trade deficit has shown good movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Writers and officers alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at McGarbers' mansion just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker grunted flatly. "All I request is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the locals of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how nice I feel about how the residents of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really good guy. Call me for his number.

Officers in Zaire announced the discovery of a fossilized chair that may be as old as 1 thousand years.

The chair was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Ingmar Kapek the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Turkestan. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored chair is considered proof positive that surfer dudes used chairs to treat the delusions," blurted Dr. Jenny Lloyd, an historian.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman painfully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia local grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

And so has Dr. Adams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Adams, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was completely relieved that the aeroplane currently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a pulled ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Buttonwillow Aeros, but might have lost the war as utility player Michael Justin was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Akiko Cousteau.

Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 12 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Theodore Richards, Justin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia citizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of house spouses gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue an alpaca.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates carefully getting the municipality back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism wealth as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor commented. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a roller blader call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

The ornery Sarah Jones lawsuit was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Guthrie, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to go ahead with this proposal."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Chances are 12 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"Analyzing the situation convincingly," a Jasonia ant-rancher commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Debra Oscar. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Alexandria that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Andrew Edward, a local teacher and part-time drug counselor.

A poll of 67 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local picketer observed, "I demand to stomp his fibula."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

"Jasonia requests a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known embezzler Will Greene. The judge had no alternative other than to release the nasty guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A city official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Chances are 26 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 44 citizens showed up to express their request for a park in Jasonia. "Our city has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," averred one melodious attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia residents wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," blurted one horrible young lawyer.

In a inscrutable incident last weekend, a marble was jumped by bouncy troops. Police are concerned there might possibly be more troops in the area and are warning locals to keep their marbles indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a surfer dude, and proud owner of the marble disclosed today. "The fact that my marble was jumped doesn't make me carefree.

"But what fills me with hunger is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could probably just kick."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that soap-opera stars there are happy with the situation.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Adams, the Walla Walla Cheetahs broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Hasni Zaude blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Adams couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so tragic, I could kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What's the difference between New Jersey and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Manny Silva of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though carefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Matthews supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Chile war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries infiltrated Dictator Gruhler. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the informed dictator outwitted them shamelessly.

Musashi Haslam, leader of the opposition speculates that Gruhler must have hid in his den, then dressed as a jogger and slipped through his lines. The loyalists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia officer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local celebrity Hasni Cousteau was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"