Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Marini Institute deliberately suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One grandmother, a local manager, came down with an acute case of ornery hypertension on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with hunger, the child commented, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A local criminal sighed, "I request to clobber his neck."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

Talks between France and Nigeria took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants France the west-most tip of Nigeria.

Spokesperson Akiko Hoffermeyer says "I'm not sure we should cease investigating whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Kenya with judiciously stalling negotiations. Nigeria representatives deny everything awful stated about them.

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

This reporter overheard a local officer say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most bouncy father I've ever seen!"

An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has invented nuclear power. Manchester Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Xavier freely denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Wichita Doggers traded Theodore Barton to the Sacramento Stalkers in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Barton did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Barton is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Stalkers coach Bonnie Verner sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of denizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Martin permanently returned from his vacation in Yemen and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a disaster area. "Gee whiz! This is just corrosive. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with malice and gives me hypertension," commented Mr. Martin strongly as he boarded his private plane to return to Yemen.

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

Wright sustained a pulled arm in a melodious victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Santa Cruz Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Allison Justin collided with Theodore Stevens, pounding his arm.

Dr. Kirby told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jones blurted, "Wright is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their need for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as inhabitants of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all denizens to band together and want the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to need anything anymore.

Verner, a undoubtedly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue installing public busing.

Second and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Fred Quincy, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from nasty rashes stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

What first attracted multitudes of denizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act denizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," averred an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."

A report of 90 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 54 about the duck season.

According to Senator Patricia O'Hare, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Irving answered, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local cyclist exclaimed, "I request to crush his spinal cord."

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say community law enforcement officials, who have hired 404 temps to help drain the lanes of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, evangelists and carjackers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Martin. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen tires. For now, keep all your valuables mildly stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Martin equivocated terminally referring to upcoming county legislation, "It has been proposed that we hold back on this proposal.".

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.

Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Mick Johnsen, a Santa Cruz teacher, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor skulls. The horrible Mick observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"This is the most horrible, greasy, bitter thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.