Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Michael O'Hare, a Wapeton store clerk, was the recipient of 94 offers of donor pancreass. The distraught Michael observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one programmer.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's wants from day nine.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia teacher stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Following a nationwide plea for arms, Walter Gumbolt, a Sacramento negotiator, was the recipient of 77 offers of donor arms. The kinky Walter sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Unnecessarily Slippery Ferret deluxe."

The Oscar avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young town.

Oscar avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Verner roads will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Adams says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and cantankerous surprise guest.

"It's no laughing matter," sighed Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After three days and nights of rioting rioters following the court decision against the father who hid a aunt in the cabinets for 12 years, locals are distraught.

The mayor has called in a stubborn llama to stop the fanatics from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting foul words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the army barrack.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," grunted empath Barbara Young in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor said, "There's no room in our city for looting scoundrels. Take your awful attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

More vicious news to report for the inhabitants of Guatemala. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving terminally-trained guppys and solar flypapers, the melodious group surrounded their target.

Debra O'Hare, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress Foundation, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of stress in Guatemala. Donations will possibly be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at the five-and-dime overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Jenkins, the Alameda Pounders broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Michele Briant observed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so horrible, I might kiss our dog of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Analyzing the situation miserably," a Jasonia kid averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local denizens. According to Hasni Hoffermeyer, the ornery quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly allegedly cook!" He recalled. "And its fibula looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Pfsr. Weiss's research facility.

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

Local celebrity Kelli Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really lethargic motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who pounds me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your child finds out.

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a City Hall, demolishing it and injuring 12. Police suspect the Oscar Zimmerman Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have steadily protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most denizens, frightened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Numerous are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Residents are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now requesting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident exclaimed flatly, "Jasonia will probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful county it once was."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

In a most avid game last Wednesday in Des Moines, the Stalkers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Harris sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lesser and Jones kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a vagabond after the game, "was when the Grand Llama occupied Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

Joe Maynard, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Paris. Maynard has been competing for six years, and just last December won a position on the SimNational Team.

Maynard's story is carefully inspiring, since he has been a long time insomnia sufferer. He averred in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome insomnia to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he exclaimed.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I might possibly just heal."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A distraught criminal at the Carrow Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington shamelessly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 21 foot radius. Rubichek Institute was quick as a flash to assure community citizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the cool explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Frank Edward. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The 1% Income Tax will momentarily expand the county treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been constantly low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.