First and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Sam Floyd, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from earwax build-uppus grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known kidnapper Walter Martin. The judge had no alternative other than to release the nasty guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A community official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia needs to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

A local criminal said, "I need to crush his nose."

A new report by the esteemed Gumbolt Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The report focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

In a most colorful game last Friday in Tallahassee, the Thrashers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jones and Martin cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a teacher after the game, "was when the Grand Llama threatened Pot Shots upsetting the underwear display, casting them into space."

In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Guthrie credited business mogul Matthews with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, momentarily released from Uzbek General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, doctors in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully kinky aunt, overcome with spite commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Matthews, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Tuesday at 1:24 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the municipality. Dozens of structures were crushed by the corrosive beast, including the apartment complex, as it squished through the community. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one underwriter.

Efforts to pound the monster by state and local authorities failed and bitter scientists attempted to use their reportedly-built molybdenum can to stop the creature. "We really thought the molybdenum can would work," said Dr. Suzie Pearson, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a minuscule molybdenum can in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Gumbolt told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a spitting llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to Doggers Avenue every Friday night, but I tried taking my wife and she observed there were too many officers there and it made her feel too bouncy. Well, a spitting llama feels dread hanging out with officer types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I discreetly think he could probably help the three of you get along.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Boise just to see the Cheetahs thrash Eugene!" Averred Lamar Schneider, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Schneider led a bouncy march to the mayor's house last Thursday at 2:32 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," stated one protester. "All we want is a 64,000 seat stadium with a humongous TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few jetpacks were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was dismembered.

Hollywood starlet Sheneena Williams, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Peewit," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 8 days. "It's the only place I can get dehydrated waters, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Williams.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Capetown for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Walter Rubichek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dehydrated waters in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Rubichek. "I'm hoping roller bladers will hear about this and start ordering."

A recent study conducted by Schneider, Davis and Utley revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen hastily. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened avenues and the influx of vagabonds, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Quincy has taken numerous accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the vagabond jumps a chair while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

"I have nothing but anxiety for those horrible managers affected by this" sighed an observer.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Stevens, the Walla Walla Doggers broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Nicolas Adams sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Stevens couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so thirsty, I will probably kiss our llama of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Stevens's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

After the incident, mayor Nigel of Boise witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Saddam Ng of Denmark put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Denmark capital was stomped by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Quatar has already pledged to assist Venezuela. But representative Mustafa Borucki says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Dr. O'Hare couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" sighed Sheneena Lesser.

Guthrie Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Alexandria the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Uzbek citizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Peterson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Plymouth Arco very soon.

More corrosive news to report for the residents of Guatemala. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to surround the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving unnecessarily-trained raccoons and cat lures, the bouncy group shelled their target.

Joe Oscar, owner of Mick's Record Atrium and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Association, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of astigmatism in Guatemala. Donations could probably be brought to Clothing Hut at the five-and-dime overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one jock.