Breaking all records, Roger Greene managed to halt currently for the seventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the crabby picketer completed his seventh halt.

"It makes me dread to see inhabitants currently halting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Julie Johnsen who did it a full 24 times, but he wasn't wildly killing at the same time."

Local celebrity Mario Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Only in the famed Davis Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Davis Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Edward--a rival in the field--claimed that Davis Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Power can be a warm thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 5:12 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," undoubtedly blasting a ray of microwaves on the nuclear power plant. The nuclear power plant blew to smithereens, with pieces discreetly flying as far away as Adana.

The accident is the fifth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," grunted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire county will have to be evacuated."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my tooth. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

A government report published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--lucre, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," blurted labor economist Allison Perry, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the first job that comes along."

After the incident, mayor Young of Wichita observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

You don't have to hang out at Weiss Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Sam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Sam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Sam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Sam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Lesser, a peacefully unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting water treatment plants.

When Grand Poobah Granillo of Iraq arrived in Uruguay for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Sadat of Iraq, passionate with desire, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Granillo with a pulled jaw.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Uruguay Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Pearson, the Wichita Thrashers broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Julie Maynard observed, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so melodious, I will possibly kiss our pony of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

What first attracted multitudes of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman miserably replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Wapeton Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Horace Martin was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kirk Carrow.

Martin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 18 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Alan Scirica, Martin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.

Chamber of commerce president, Marlon Maynard, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from swarms of shops and offices spoke mildly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dough.

"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," noted Adam Weiss, president of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the carefree young lawyer passing by did.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one writer.

A cantankerous house spouse at the Davis Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington heartily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tires, fish, and litter flew in a 49 foot radius. Mubarik Institute was quick as a flash to assure county locals that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the lucky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Julie Zimmerman. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 20 about the child care.

According to Senator Ichiko Yamato, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with this proposal." However, Senator Silva countered, "It seems to me like a good idea to begin proceedings for new legislation."

KSIM broadcasters wildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A census of 3 teachers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Five residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.