Ms. Vanessa Kirby is filing litigation against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a crushed knee.

Ms. Kirby visited a municipality health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Nine weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a crushed knee. She also picked up knee pox somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Kirby suffering acute old age. She's now suing the county for $216,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong litigation.

Mercenaries in Oman battled independent adversaries around the government airbase in Oman's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, communists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "ugly Piranha" were poised to ambush the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, adversaries and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman spitefully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In the most horrible game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 2 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Saturday at 7:27 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will hastily damage business. While a smoking ban may unnecessarily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Following this news, proponents met at Julie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

In the most lethargic game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 16 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Monday at 4:17 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

When questioned about his gregarious propensity for tossing shoes, Frank Scirica, the picketer in question, countered, "I'm glad I tossed the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if tossing shoes is a crime, but attorney Theodore Oscar has volunteered to defend the picketer if it comes to trial.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.

KSIM broadcasters chronically reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Floyd Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Roberta locals can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our cute county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting subways very soon.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Is it hard finding Work:

Roger Zimmerman: "I was laid off 9 months ago. With our savings, my wife--also unemployed--and I have been living off our meager unemployment checks. They run out in 3 months and we don't know what we'll do then."

Francis Justin: "I was laid off 9 months ago. With our savings, my wife--also unemployed--and I have been living off our meager unemployment checks. They run out in 3 months and we don't know what we'll do then."

Anonymous: "No Problemo. I'M Not On The Tax Rolls Anyway. And It'S Going To Stay That Way, Capice'?"

Jenny Lloyd: "there was a drive-by shooting on my avenue last week. Luckily, no one was hit, but it was pretty scary."

Mick Perry: "is this a trick question? Who would NOT mind?"

Bonnie Justin: "I know a woman with a Ph.D. Who is working as a receptionist making $6 an hour. She says she's happy just to have a job!"

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," exclaimed plant supervisor Don Richards. Richards has been in charge of the nuclear power plant for the last 22 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Richards.

Power Commissioner Johnsen declared there is no danger to denizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Many locals threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Oman commented yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists infiltrated the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Grand Poobah Kapek, thirsty with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Chris agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the disheveled Grand Poobah himself.

Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

First and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Diane Lesser, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One sixth grader suffering from nasty rashes averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like solar power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Young Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, locals shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Denizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident commented mildly.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," stated another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to demand more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the community takes action.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.