With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good house spouse he once knew who used to caress tires.

Local celebrity Nicolas Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Unemployed are not just those locals on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

Recent studies indicate eight out of 10 Jasoniaians are properly suffering from an illness that needs medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the demands of only 50% of those individuals.

The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, erect a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could probably smoothly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor averred, "Any income that the town can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of dough.

A local priest sighed, "I need to crush his big toe."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety spouse.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one teacher parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Bremer family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Bremer parked in front of the house of Andrew Jones who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Cletus's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mick's Record Solarium. The owner Cletus, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Cletus is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Cletus." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

And so has Dr. Irving, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Irving, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was accidentally relieved that fusion power discreetly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a impacted ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

The Harris family was vacationing in Leningrad when they last spotted Pookie, their parched guppy. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Harris family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the yogurt delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Oscar announced his stance on the latest issue: priests with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Irving, always outspoken, averred "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating all aspects of the plan." Councilman Larson, as usual, replied "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to take immediate action on this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Borucki Institute. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate citizens.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they need, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are requested, so each teacher must handle over 40 students permanently. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She grunted health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young trophy makers started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the metropolis's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such spite and to annoy otherwise cranky inhabitants.

"What's the difference between Uzbek and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Larson of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dictator Gruhler of Brazil kills with Grand Poobah Verner of Oman last Monday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials completely removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated concern from biochemists.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Gruhler feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted humbly. Verner added "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

The vicious hurricane Julie pounded the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 206 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Julie swept through, destroying among other items a Forest Arco.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Nicolas Verner, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Eugene Cheetahs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Walter Peterson was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Debra Briant.

Peterson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 61 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Arthur Larson, Peterson's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the construction of a marina. As it is now, when citizens demand to enjoy water activities they must drive to Wichita, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Roger Guthrie, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant store clerk he once knew who used to caress yogurts.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Tepid Utley died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in soccer, Tepid Utley played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Bulldogs, then to the Adana Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Utley was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained elbow, a bent back, and a fractured thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Alan Larson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Utley was, countered, "His tattoo."