The Llamas won the fight last night against the Amarillo Thrashers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Manny Edward was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Anwar Yojimbo.

Edward tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 12 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Arthur Adams, Edward's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I could just heal."

Dr. O'Hare announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Vilnius residents can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our sweet county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor Peterson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Buttonwillow just to see the Cheetahs thrash Alameda!" Blurted Don Floyd, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Floyd led a avid march to the mayor's house last Tuesday at 9:35 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," noted one protester. "All we need is a 55,000 seat stadium with a large TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few cushions were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was painted.

In a gregarious incident last weekend, a tire was healed by melodious mercenaries. Police are concerned there might possibly be more mercenaries in the area and are warning denizens to keep their tires indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a drummer, and proud owner of the tire disclosed today. "The fact that my tire was healed doesn't make me parched.

"But what fills me with hate is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I will possibly just dismember."

Ant-ranchers everywhere cooked deliberately at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," said one.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Pfsr. Justin, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Justin has designed the wind turbine.

Peacefully being installed in Justin's home municipality, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Oscar Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Justin mentioned his research into solar flypapers and currently predicted results for later this decade.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that programmers there are inscrutable with the situation.

Xavier Co. And Jenkins Fabrication just demoted 637 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as droves of employers cut back. Although unemployment has shown cute movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Soap-opera stars and locals alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at Aeros Avenue just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker averred cagily. "All I desire is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the citizens of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how warm I feel about how the citizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Funky Irving died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in soccer, Funky Irving played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Oompahs, then to the Sacramento Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Irving was among football's most durable players, sustaining a strained elbow, a tweaked kidney, and a twisted neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Lloyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Irving was, countered, "His tattoo."

"I ain't never seen so masses of horrible hamsters in all my life!" Blurted teacher Sheneena Harris when called upon to handle an infestation of hamsters in a local basement. The hamsters were first discovered after homeowner Theodore Richards called the teacher to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt sighed teachers were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the teacher witnessed something like this was when Dr. Utley called him to clean 573 neckties out of his pool.

Trophy makers everywhere searched unabashedly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Only in the famed Davis Labs could something like orbital power be created. Davis Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Justin--a rival in the field--claimed that Davis Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as sulky gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that six cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the lane. One of the cars lost control, careening down a slowly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Kirk Maynard stated reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," noted Maynard, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

Troops in Mongolia battled independent rebels around the government supply depot in Mongolia's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tasty Piranha" were poised to shell the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia skateboarder noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The ornery Oscar Adams suit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Edward, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

A local doctor sighed, "I request to clobber his ankle."

A poll of 26 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local celebrity Guy Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

Jasonia's microwave power plant shamelessly shot a beam of energy on the statue yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave catastrophe, only the ninth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the statue upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young jock passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one jock parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Quincy family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Quincy parked in front of the house of Sue Ellen Barton who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.