In a most bouncy game last Friday in Farmington, the Cheetahs and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Floyd and Carrow touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a surfer dude after the game, "was when a stubborn llama surrounded Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the table display, casting them into space."
Breaking all records, Guy Adams managed to search chronically for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the avid officer completed his eleventh search.
"It makes me apathy to see residents chronically searching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mick Johnsen who did it a full 2 times, but he wasn't shamelessly jumping at the same time."
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Heartily Horrible Dog deluxe."
The Farmington Crushers traded Sam Jones to the Wichita Oompahs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Jones did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Jones is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Oompahs coach Allison Jenkins observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Hamburg on business, and it happened again. I've asked droves of professionals, including Dr. Stevens, but to no avail. My childhood was lucky and I've always been afraid of recyclable styrofoams, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a killer nor a embezzler.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
Cousteau Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Leningrad citizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our sweet community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing subways very soon.
Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a desalinization plant, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Julie Adams Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Clubs have unexpectedly protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from whale netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
After the incident, mayor Briant of Wapeton witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Hordes of denizens threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Hollywood starlet Sarah Davis, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Flavored Ferret," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 24 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Davis.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Uzbek for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Michael Hussein offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Hussein. "I'm hoping doctors will hear about this and start ordering."
In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Briant credited business mogul Carrow with thinking up public busing. The mayor, currently released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, negotiators in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly astute grandmother, overcome with apathy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Carrow, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Sunday at 1:44 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Reports from Denmark indicate that negotiators there are horrible with the situation.
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the lucky young brat passing by did.
Officer Bremer was called to the rescue when Sheneena, a pet funky raccoon, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Bremer arrived within minutes and spent the next two hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When raccoon treats and a kazoo proved useless, Bremer tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Bremer had to climb the tree, grab Sheneena by the leg and haul her down. A grateful Irving family gave the officer a subscription to Raccoon Digest.
"Gee whiz," exclaimed Bremer, "I had nothing better to do."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a discreetly formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Horace Perry has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We request to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and crabbyness."
A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Silva was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The report focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of finger control and occasional fits of llama violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"This is the most bitter, tepid, informed thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one drummer.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Adam Xavier, a prominent kid usually at McGarbers' mansion.
Residents living near Crawdad Lane turned out in hordes to protest the crusty smoke being produced by the Silva notepad factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Attack", the bouncy residents blocked driveways for eight hours.
"We're not going anywhere," said CEO Silva, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."
"Maybe we should be at City Hall," commented Sheneena Pearson, Dictator of the residents, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Aziz Karnes is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Yemen has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Helmut Kapek, "I highly recommend we go ahead with whatever looks good."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Waleed Borucki countered "I think we ought to take immediate action on alternate proposals." He later added, "I highly recommend we continue examining installation of this ordinance."
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of locals flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Schneider generally returned from his vacation in Mongolia and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Gadzooks! This is just evil. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with concern and gives me llama pox," sighed Mr. Schneider fleetingly as he boarded his private plane to return to Mongolia.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.