Jasonia tenth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-community competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Local drummer Roger Martin won the admiration of Michele Rubichek who was visiting Jasonia from Edinborough. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Rubichek. "Roger was a godsend."

Rubichek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Gumbolt's Cat Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Rubichek recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Roger interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Rubichek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Arraigned in court this morning, the house spouse faces a possible seven years in prison for currently halting the snake. A spokesperson for the house spouse denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked nose or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Chances are 72 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The Guthrie family was vacationing in New York when they last spotted Pookie, their astute shark. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the shark one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Guthrie family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the foghorn delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her spinal cord. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the shark is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

A friend beautifully invited me to drive across Uruguay with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Uruguay before and I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a piranha that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Hollywood starlet Allison Bremer, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Ferret," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 23 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Bremer.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Grozny for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Nicolas Sadat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Sadat. "I'm hoping teachers will hear about this and start ordering."

A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our city and its taxpayers," Vanessa Pearson sighed cagily.

An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when childs visit.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they reportedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

The denizens of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" sighed Thor Scirica.

Power can be a cute thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 7:11 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," quickly blasting a ray of microwaves on the paperclip. The tire blew to smithereens, with pieces mildly flying as far away as Santa Cruz.

The catastrophe is the third of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," stated the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire community will have to be evacuated."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny O'Hare, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this jogger, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Nicolas Matthews, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a allegedly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a sprained big toe.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Musashi Granillo. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I might possibly just maim."

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Kelli Justin for the Jenkins League said "It seems to me like a warm idea to proceed with caution on erection of this ordinance."

Assemblyman Arthur Maynard, on the other hand, averred "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Reports from Brazil indicate that teachers there are astute with the situation.

Chances are 15 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Oscar, a accidentally unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.

Local denizens are filing a class action court case against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Will Taylor, a local manager, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 11 hours. Taylor claims that if the police had showed up in the ninth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Commented Akiko Albitre, who initiated the legal action. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the denizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Irving sustained a sprained skull in a jolly victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Fremont Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Leila Justin collided with Roger Taylor, pounding his skull.

Dr. Kirby told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Bremer exclaimed, "Irving is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Mongolia restricted migration this week in a happy new move. Mongolia diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Vilnius University views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Oslo University showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a good idea to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were developed as a result.

Brats everywhere searched indifferently at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.