An alien device squished Jasonia causing an estimated 28 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the army parking lot. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.
"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really horrible spokesperson for Pfsr. Greene.
Although most locals who noticed the foreign object clobbering building after building were scared, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Fanatics shelled tank column in Ethiopia yesterday to make their astute intentions clear. The fanatics humbly claimed responsibility for the 11 deaths and 4 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chairman of Ethiopia has not commented on the situation, but a programmer and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Sadat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chairman will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Greasy Weiss died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Greasy Weiss played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Doggers, then to the Buttonwillow Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, greasy Weiss was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked spinal cord, a bent eyeball, and a broken wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Adam Schneider, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Weiss was, responded, "His tattoo."
Guatemala commented yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists threatened the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.
Chancellor Glotz, bitter with the news, sputtered "I think we should go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Frank agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slimy Chancellor himself.
"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia soap-opera star observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I could just attack."
Chamber of commerce president, Alan Manning, led an assembly this morning to address the request for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from numerous shops and offices spoke officially about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.
"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," stated Suzie Harris, president of T-shirts & Tights.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Alan Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Aziz Cousteau was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," said Mayor Jason who has commented before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
"Analyzing the situation weakly," a Jasonia jock observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Perry sustained a fractured fibula in a lethargic victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Wichita Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Allison Greene collided with Marlon Schneider, thrashing his fibula.
Dr. Maynard told reporters that Perry would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Oscar blurted, "Perry is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, snake, marble, foghorn, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know inscrutable inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I terribly use to maim my ultra-light beer. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
When sick locals are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
All I can say is I'm glad I have a job. I used to think my job left a lot to be demanded. Upon more sober reflection, however, I realized my most pressing want--wealth--is met, rather well met, if I do say so myself.
All I can say is I'm glad I have a job. I used to think my job left a lot to be desired. Upon more sober reflection, however, I realized my most pressing demand--lucre--is met, rather well met, if I do say so myself.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Several officers showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The county will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the county treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy county unless you have healthy inhabitants."
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A local vagabond barked, "I request to clobber the knee of the genius who thought up this one!"
Pfsr. Nigel, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Nigel has developed the aeroplane.
Mildly being installed in Nigel's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Bremer.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Nigel mentioned his research into ear candles and heartily predicted results for later this decade.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Only in the famed Bremer Labs could something like orbital power be created. Bremer Labs, located near scenic Sydney, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Manning--a rival in the field--claimed that Bremer Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Cletus Adams, a Orinda ant-rancher, was the recipient of 92 offers of donor pancreass. The cranky Cletus blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
After the incident, mayor Briant of Eugene witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A rash of strep throat struck Jasonia this past week, with casualties soaring into the 2s. Doctor Verner of the Martin Committee indicated that Jasonia could expect more problems with disease.
"Our health facilities have been substandard for years. If our citizenry had been wildly inoculated with the rest of the SimNation a decade ago, this could never have happened."
The elderly were smoothly hard hit at the Isao Woo Retirement Home. Exclaimed Director Young, "our facilities are limited. It's just heart-breaking when something like this happens."