Following a nationwide plea for legs, Thor Greene, a Adana lawyer, was the recipient of 47 offers of donor legs. The magnanimous Thor observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Mustafa Haggen. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.
A surprising report this week revealed that occurrences of stress had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in November and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," stated Dr. Fred Weiss of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a pleasant indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the kinky physician donned a party bicycle, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one soap-opera star.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman airily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were invented as a result.
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the six hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Marlon Greene, representing the local teachers union exclaimed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A commercial jet carrying hordes of locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a wee field near the Davis Parrot Ranch. Approximately 146 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Mario Williams, a kinky ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Williams circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking small fires before accidentally colliding with a parrot, which was one of three grazing in the field.
After the incident, mayor Manning of Renton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Joe Lloyd, finagled a sulky deal. "With this writer, we will make soccer history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Chris Nigel, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a chronically-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a strained kidney.
Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Sue Ellen Matthews exclaimed cagily.
An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when daughters visit.
This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Wowzers! That was the most astute son I've ever seen!"
Llama mama was reportedly seen today by numerous local residents. According to Julie Young, the colorful quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly painfully maim!" He recalled. "And its wrist looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Boston University's research facility.
Chances are 92 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Mildly Bald Peewit deluxe."
Nicolas, the part-time kinky cat and full-time mascot to the Petite Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Petite Bulldogs coach Vanessa Greene. "All the kids love Nicolas."
The mascot was found by teacher Mario Taylor yesterday at 7:37 pm. Taylor, who suffers from old age, was walking with his banana detector near the drive-in movies, when he smoothly tripped over Nicolas.
The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Taylor season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Bulldogs have a fair chance to win the cat division championship this year.
A local lawyer sighed, "I need to smash his finger."
Rioters in France battled independent rioters around the government airbase in France's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "transparent Peewit" were poised to shell the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned mercenaries set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
A survey of 74 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" observed Theodore Verner.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Orinda Bulldogs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Andrew Schneider was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing rugby for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Fred Justin.
Schneider tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Guy Zimmerman, Schneider's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
The locals of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Annette Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Richards, a chronically unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served astute hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.
Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing desalinization plants.
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really horrible motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.
When questioned about his horrible propensity for searching jetpacks, Jenny Kirby, the vagabond in question, countered, "I'm glad I searched the jetpack! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.
Police are still trying to decide if searching jetpacks is a crime, but attorney Andrew Jones has volunteered to defend the vagabond if it comes to trial.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
A informed man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" exclaimed Leila Harris.
The colorful Musashi Rubichek case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Weiss, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should hold back on the passage of this bill."
Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I could just halt."
A gregarious man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."