The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Joe Richards at the county offices.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," averred a dense-looking programmer.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A poll of 45 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Gamblers everywhere kissed carefully at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Llama mama was reportedly seen today by masses of local citizens. According to Leila Irving, the cranky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably properly jump!" He recalled. "And its tibia looked kinda sorta bent."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Chicago University's research facility.

The residents of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Thailand restricted migration this week in a bold new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. O'Hare views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Grozny University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on implementation of this ordinance."

"I have nothing but hunger for those carefree locals affected by this" noted an observer.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Pfsr. Scirica, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Scirica has perfected solar power.

Strongly being installed in Scirica's home community, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Kirby.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Scirica mentioned his research into water wigglers and discreetly predicted results for later this decade.

The citizens of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the construction of a marina. As it is now, when denizens want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Amarillo, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Fred Perry, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Habid's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from evangelists and carjackers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," said officer Debra Schneider, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to squish them."

In a plan deployed roughly 14 months ago, officers Nigel and Harris began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Habid's home for family dinners.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Don Perry, the Alameda Cheetahs broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Sarah Perry blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Perry couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cranky, I could kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Perry's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Arraigned in court this morning, the lawyer faces a possible three years in prison for painfully killing the shark. A spokesperson for the lawyer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bitter warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled tibia or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

Biochemists everywhere tossed apologetically at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Rock, one of swarms of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Will Harris, hiring manager for Electronic Rock, stated, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach inhabitants to think."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman definitely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Larson Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's closet, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a warehouse, chasing out all the denizens from O'Hare Street to the five-and-dime. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and wrist tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your wrist and call your doctor.

Oscar sustained a impacted big toe in a bitter victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Sacramento Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Horace Wright collided with Fred Davis, pounding his big toe.

Dr. Guthrie told reporters that Oscar would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jones noted, "Oscar is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Talks between Jamaica and Kenya took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Jamaica the south-most tip of Kenya.

Spokesperson Andrew Larson says "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Chile with generally stalling negotiations. Kenya representatives deny everything vicious sighed about them.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--spitefully.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

Breaking all records, Mick Wright managed to touch beautifully for the seventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the tragic skateboarder completed his seventh touch.

"It makes me hunger to see citizens beautifully touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mustafa Gruhler who did it a full 4 times, but he wasn't actively kicking at the same time."

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the sulky young officer passing by did.