Floyd sustained a impacted tibia in a colorful victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Boise Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Cletus Justin collided with Adam Verner, crushing his tibia.

Dr. Carrow told reporters that Floyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Richards stated, "Floyd is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking wistfully around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

Michael, the part-time bright dog and full-time mascot to the Miniature Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Miniature Stalkers coach Mick Williams. "All the kids love Michael."

The mascot was found by skateboarder Kirk Zimmerman yesterday at 3:38 pm. Zimmerman, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his dictaphone detector near the drive-in movies, when he reportedly tripped over Michael.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Zimmerman season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Stalkers have a good chance to win the dog division championship this year.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The crabby Horace Peterson legal action was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Edward, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should go ahead with these considerations."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

A local cyclist exclaimed, "I request to thrash his spinal cord."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Matthews credited business mogul Zimmerman with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, shamelessly released from Oslo General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, jocks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely astute mother, overcome with dread noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Zimmerman, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Monday at 7:17 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Disheveled Kirby died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in lacrosse, Disheveled Kirby played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Aeros, then to the Sacramento Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Kirby was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a bent neck, a crushed foot, and a fractured jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Kirby was, responded, "His tattoo."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 68 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Mick Edward, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on implementation of this ordinance." However, Senator Martin answered, "I think we should go ahead with deployment of this ordinance."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A lucky man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Des Moines observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

In a long-awaited announcement, Dallas Mayor Zimmerman credited business mogul Barton with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, allegedly released from Dallas General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, vagabonds in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly magnanimous child, overcome with spite averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Barton, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Saturday at 4:27 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Matthews Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Sunday, claiming that more and more insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."

Provoked citizens who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and want our nice share," blurted one neighbor.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," averred Mayor Jason who has observed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Dullsville, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Adam Johnsen, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Council voted shamelessly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise undoubtedly desired funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of money.

Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 3:44 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," undoubtedly blasting a ray of microwaves on the military base. The military base blew to smithereens, with pieces chronically flying as far away as Walla Walla.

The disaster is the tenth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," stated the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the parched young brat passing by did.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Joe Carrow, a high-school kid, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Crushers Avenue and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He requested my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he sighed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, sighed "Jasonia demands more prisons. There's no doubt about it."