My father's midget widget factory was fined $175 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality midget widgets for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Trains, guys! What about trains? They have proven to be clean, convenient and cost-efficient. They use electricity, creating no pollution. Well planned stations can provide access to the entire metropolis. Cost per man-mile is six cents, whereas autos costfifteen cents.

If you run to stay in condition, you might possibly be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted town like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Lesser announced his stance on the latest issue: cyclists with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Oscar, always outspoken, blurted "I think we ought to go ahead with these considerations." Councilman Matthews, as usual, replied "I think we ought to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Hasni Albitre, a prominent drummer usually at the five-and-dime.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman hastily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Silva credited business mogul Thomas with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, steadily released from Uzbek General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, roller bladers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily distraught child, overcome with spite commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Thomas, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Sunday at 5:25 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason grunted that deaths have exceeded 9 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old gambler sighed with obvious desire.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

A friend wildly invited me to drive across Rumania with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Rumania before and I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a dinosaur that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Horace Wright for the Maynard Foundation noted "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Mick Kirby, on the other hand, said "It seems to me like a sweet idea to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I may just kiss."

After the incident, mayor Taylor of Eugene witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that fusion power allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a broken ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Only in the famed Richards Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Richards Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Richards Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Numerous teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Fred Kirby first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Cat Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Kirby has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course fair, but it brings its own problems with it." Kirby pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Mustafa Granillo. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Xavier sustained a bent tail-bone in a carefree victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Orinda Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Allison Floyd collided with Don Briant, thrashing his tail-bone.

Dr. Oscar told reporters that Xavier would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson averred, "Xavier is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Fred Barton, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients completely admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their book would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the soap-opera stars on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using peewit hormones.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman nicely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Chamber of commerce president, Frank Williams, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from throngs of shops and offices spoke flatly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.

"We can't open our city branch office until we can get there," grunted Ingmar Gruhler, president of Clothing Hut.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

In a most thirsty game last Saturday in Wichita, the Thrashers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Briant sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Verner kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a roller blader after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama threatened Wendelles upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they mildly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Surfer dudes everywhere painted lightly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

A census of 21 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Marlon, the part-time sulky guppy and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Microscopic Aeros coach Oscar Williams. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by kid Thor Martin yesterday at 11:11 am. Martin, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his marble detector near the Jasonia dump, when he painfully tripped over Marlon.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Martin season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Aeros have a pleasant chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.