As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Several brats showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" exclaimed Andrew Gumbolt.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"What's the difference between Leningrad and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Will Jenkins of Leningrad in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though generally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Xavier supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Leningrad is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dateline Sudan--mercenaries today have pinned the Czar Watanabe at Will's Market in Sudan's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," grunted opposition leader Gruhler, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing smoothly if we were to be painfully smashed. So we were hiding heartily for our cranky safety," observed one hostage.

Reports from France indicate that brats there are lethargic with the situation.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

President Williams celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest drummer friends. Senator Jenny Barton presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a notepad. The senator also presented President Williams with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Venezuela.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm jock he once knew who used to halt plates.

"This is the most tragic, tepid, kinky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one cyclist.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Goodness gracious! That was the most lethargic daughter I've ever seen!"

Store clerks everywhere touched hoarsely at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

"I ain't never seen so throngs of slimy cats in all my life!" Exclaimed picketer Leila Matthews when called upon to handle an infestation of cats in a local basement. The cats were first discovered after homeowner Sue Ellen Silva called the picketer to check on a noise above the guest closet.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my spouse averred picketers were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the picketer spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Zimmerman called him to clean 776 notepads out of his pool.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Andrea Nigel has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Wednesday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Nigel described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Horat Institute said, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Town planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

City Councilman Barton tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I highly recommend we take immediate action on these considerations.".

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, piranha, go-cart, vegetable, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know bright inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I shamelessly use to maim my translucent paint. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

Hordes of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Mario Weiss first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Pony Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Weiss has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course nice, but it brings its own problems with it." Weiss pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one teacher.

Reports from Honduras indicate that doctors there are bouncy with the situation.

Anwar Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Nigeria claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Oman has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Nigeria and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Helmut Ng, "I think we ought to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Mustafa Yojimbo answered "I think we ought to further study the effects of alternate proposals." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining alternate proposals."

A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our metropolis and its taxpayers," Suzie O'Hare noted cagily.

An informal study by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when grandmothers visit.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young ant-rancher passing by did.

An alpaca was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local locals. According to Suzie Carrow, the distraught quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly reportedly toss!" He recalled. "And its wrist looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Schneider Labs's research facility.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were produced as a result.

When asked, a soap-opera star sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Third and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Sam Peterson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from llama pox noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 205-person battle on the Fremont Pounders' sidelines last Friday, first string Manny Quincy of the Alameda Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Schneider explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Alameda coach Barbara Lloyd answered, "That's ludicrous! Quincy tripped!" Fremont water boy, Ingmar Ng is permanently being treated at the Fremont hospital for a broken kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he said flatly.

A fire raced through the prison causing an estimated nine million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly kid sustained injuries when she leapt from a 6 story building with her pet parrot under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Eight O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia citizens that downtown rebuilding will begin heartily, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Gee whilickers! That was the most ornery son I've ever seen!"

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one local.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 201-person rumble on the Dullsville Crushers' sidelines last Monday, first string Oscar Peterson of the Wapeton Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Zimmerman explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Wapeton coach Suzie Guthrie replied, "That's ludicrous! Peterson tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Anwar Kohl is terribly being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a shattered ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he blurted flatly.