The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 77-person fight on the Buttonwillow Oompahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Guy Barton of the Wichita Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Williams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Wichita coach Manny Gumbolt responded, "That's ludicrous! Barton tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Mohammed Horat is shamelessly being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a crushed elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he stated flatly.

The seeds of development, planted and tended hastily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A local roller blader averred, "I demand to pound his spinal cord."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Seventh and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Michele Matthews, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from llama pox exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

You don't have to hang out at Matthews Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Kirk's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Adam's Record Closet. The owner Kirk, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Kirk is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Kirk." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Only in the famed Pearson Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Pearson Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Guthrie--a rival in the field--claimed that Pearson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Eighth and Second street, and even demolished a warehouse. Authorities say that 19 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, one local construction companies volunteered man hours to help residents rebuild.

After the incident, mayor Irving of Buttonwillow observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Peterson, a prominent disk jockey usually at 4th and Main.

More awful news to report for the locals of Jamaica. Insurgent loyalists continue to make good on threats to threaten the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving momentarily-trained fishs and light cubes, the carefree group surrounded their target.

Andrea Jenkins, owner of T-shirts & Tights and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Club, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of nasty rashes in Jamaica. Donations will probably be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at the drive-in movies overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

In a kinky incident last weekend, a yogurt was dismembered by bold adversaries. Police are concerned there will possibly be more adversaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their yogurts indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a programmer, and proud owner of the yogurt disclosed today. "The fact that my yogurt was dismembered doesn't make me thirsty.

"But what fills me with malice is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" grunted Michele Verner.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really pleasant guy. Call me for his number.

Adam Briant, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Innsbruk. Briant has been competing for one years, and just last June won a position on the SimNational Team.

Briant's story is constantly inspiring, since he has been a long time delusions sufferer. He commented in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome delusions to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he observed.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one jogger.

Yesterday on KSIM, local inhabitants aired their need for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all citizens to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's demand, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to desire anything anymore.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the nine hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Bonnie Davis, representing the local teachers union exclaimed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Saddam Borucki of Quatar put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Quatar capital was pounded by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of France has already pledged to assist Oman. But representative Hasni Mubarik says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Dr. Perry couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Bald Wright died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in baseball, Bald Wright played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Pounders, then to the Farmington Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Wright was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a broken eyeball, a sprained nose, and a pulled arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Lamar Martin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Wright was, answered, "His tattoo."

Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or cabinets tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one manager.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.