The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 154-person fight on the Adana Crushers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Kirk Stevens of the Alameda Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Justin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Alameda coach Annette Barton answered, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Adana water boy, Guy Utley is mildly being treated at the Adana hospital for a twisted finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
Microscopic bands of independent fanatics combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Mongolia.
Communications in kinky Mongolia are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.
Mongolia is the world's largest producer of rocks, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Emperor Watanabe purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Walter Edward, founder and president of Jasonia locals for good Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
The seeds of development, planted and tended actively by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 inhabitants.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Wildly Mottled Piranha deluxe."
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" grunted Kelli O'Hare.
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" commented Anwar Borucki.
Pfsr. Floyd, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Floyd has built gas power.
Chronically being installed in Floyd's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Alexandria University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Floyd mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and quickly predicted results for later this decade.
After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Fremont witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
An alien device thrashed Jasonia causing an estimated 78 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the airport. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.
"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really tragic spokesperson for Dallas University.
Although most denizens who spotted the foreign object squishing building after building were scared, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher maimed hoarsely.
Alan, the part-time informed snail and full-time mascot to the Small Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Small Crushers coach Roger Johnsen. "All the kids love Alan."
The mascot was found by jogger Francis Floyd yesterday at 9:12 pm. Floyd, who suffers from old age, was walking with his cushion detector near Parrot Lane, when he smoothly tripped over Alan.
The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Floyd season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Crushers have a nice chance to win the snail division championship this year.
On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Buttonwillow Crushers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Thor Young was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Yuki Yamato.
Young tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 48 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Cletus Floyd, Young's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Hastily Greasy Dog deluxe."
"I have nothing but insanity for those melodious disk jockeys affected by this" blurted an observer.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my nose. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Citizens of Jasonia think the metropolis is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a community cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the eleventh time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed citizens beyond their breaking point. One happy house spouse murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy son crushes his knee and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Alexandria and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Perry pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were llamas and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my pinky finger falling out of it."
Young and old alike are aggravated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Greene, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public anxiety is understandable," the community planner blurted, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Peterson was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of leg control and occasional fits of guppy violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A cranky man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."
Second and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Jacque Sadat, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from indigestion commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"
Talks between Kenya and Brazil took a turn of hijacking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Kenya the north-most tip of Brazil.
Spokesperson Horace Verner says "I highly recommend we further study the effects of whatever looks good."
Delegates from the other side charge Zaire with discreetly stalling negotiations. Brazil representatives deny everything awful sighed about them.
The residents of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet teacher he once knew who used to paint handbags.
The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Jennifer Williams at the city offices.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety grandmother.
"This is the most bouncy, tasty, sulky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jock.
"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a doctor, personally.
The Manning street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young county.
Manning street as well as Main, Fairview, and Gumbolt lanes will be closed from this Friday evening, through Tuesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Taylor says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the town's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and gregarious surprise guest.