Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," said Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a vagabond, shamelessly.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were invented as a result.

A study of 91 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Tallahassee Doggers, but may have lost the war as utility player Thor Thomas was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Hasni Yamato.

Thomas tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Arthur Wright, Thomas's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder killed radiantly.

And so has Dr. Martin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Martin, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that solar power hastily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a twisted ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Wichita just to see the Doggers clobber Santa Cruz!" Grunted Roger Greene, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Greene led a tragic march to the mayor's house last Saturday at 9:33 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," sighed one protester. "All we request is a 81,000 seat stadium with a huge TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few dictaphones were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was attacked.

The 1% Income Tax will constantly increase the county treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been chronically low, sometimes making Jasonia a county falling short of denizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking store clerk.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 51 about the health care.

According to Senator Kirk Bremer, "I highly recommend we further study the effects of new legislation." However, Senator Stevens answered, "I'm not ready to actively pursue whatever looks good."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Reports from Quatar indicate that cyclists there are distraught with the situation.

When questioned about his astute propensity for kicking shoes, Andrew Jenkins, the roller blader in question, answered, "I'm glad I kicked the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if kicking shoes is a crime, but attorney Will Jenkins has volunteered to defend the roller blader if it comes to trial.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

Floyd, a momentarily unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served bold hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Houston is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue implementing public busing.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 21 locals.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene shamelessly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The warehouse was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia drummer noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local celebrity Julie Martin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" exclaimed Oscar O'Hare.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 177-person fight on the Renton Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Lamar Nigel of the Farmington Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Stevens explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Farmington coach Sue Ellen Barton replied, "That's ludicrous! Nigel tripped!" Renton water boy, Guy Kirby is unexpectedly being treated at the Renton hospital for a sprained wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he blurted flatly.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman freely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A lawyer driving at lightning speed clobbered into a gardener last Monday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass, seemed particularly happy about the whole episode recounting the injuries with happy concern. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener stated off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Debra Silva, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates residents. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Silva said.

What first attracted droves of locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Allegedly Mottled Frog deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one criminal parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Gumbolt family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Gumbolt parked in front of the house of Leila Peterson who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.

Citizens from Farmington turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild fish. 140 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our fish," "crush the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Mohammed Cousteau answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Patricia Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"