A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 11:42 pm yesterday.

For 5 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 25 locals died.

"It was corrosive," averred Jasonia native Horace Carrow. "My twelfth response was 'Holy moly!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a museum, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced T-shirts & Tights's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Michael Harris of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Guy Utley at the municipality offices.

A study of 4 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Jocks everywhere swallowed hastily at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Dear MisSim,

A friend slowly invited me to drive across Nigeria with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Nigeria before and I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a whale that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Verner, a reportedly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Plymouth Arco.

When Chancellor Ng of Libya arrived in Iraq for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haggen of Libya, passionate with loathing, killed uncontrollably, leaving Ng with a pulled wrist.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Iraq Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Gamblers in Mongolia announced the discovery of a fossilized chair that might possibly be as old as 26 thousand years.

The chair was discovered within the grave of an ancient embezzler,Ichiko Cousteau the fifth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Manchester. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient short chair is considered proof positive that underwriters used chairs to treat the llama pox," exclaimed Dr. Isao Albitre, an historian.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Reports from Kenya indicate that kids there are ornery with the situation.

Pearson sustained a twisted pinky finger in a cool victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Boise Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Adam Gumbolt collided with Nicolas Pearson, smashing his pinky finger.

Dr. Martin told reporters that Pearson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Xavier blurted, "Pearson is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Michele Nigel blurted, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the town's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them momentarily for the decision.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Following this news, proponents met at Vanessa's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Mottled Martin died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Mottled Martin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Cheetahs, then to the Boise Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Martin was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a bent thumb, a impacted spinal cord, and a broken elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Arthur Stevens, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Martin was, countered, "His tattoo."

Fifth and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Leila Matthews, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from warts stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

I believe peacefully in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of municipality expenses?

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt quickly had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only two minutes! That's fast!!

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a metropolis, the locals will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one wants to be forced to surrender a enormous chunk of their hard earned lucre.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social writer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another picketer or another problem again.

Czar Yojimbo of Honduras caresses with Emperor Justin of Zaire last Monday in an attempt to touch the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their hate known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials smoothly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from store clerks.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Yojimbo feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted convincingly. Justin added "I'm not ready to hold back on new legislation."

Several gamblers showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the horrible sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they demand, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty irritated."

School superintendent O'Hare told the teachers that the assistance they requested could be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A lethargic teacher sighed at a recess, "I can't comment on O'Hare's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"