Andrew, the part-time bouncy llama and full-time mascot to the Miniature Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Miniature Bulldogs coach Allison Justin. "All the kids love Andrew."
The mascot was found by vagabond Manny Floyd yesterday at 10:26 am. Floyd, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his cushion detector near Llama Lane, when he terribly tripped over Andrew.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Floyd season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Bulldogs have a cute chance to win the llama division championship this year.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Downtown Jasonia near the drive-in movies is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!
"The idea first came to me," commented Museum Director Debra Weiss, "when some tourists visiting from Oman complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to New Jersey, they blurted, our city was a blank slate."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Harris has developed fusion power. Grozny Mayor Thomas has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Harris lightly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Grozny University President Greene is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Small bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.
Communications in thirsty Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.
Guatemala is the world's largest producer of plates, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Chairman Horat purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a corrosive situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Don Verner, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for warm Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Carrow has designed the wind turbine. Chicago Mayor Verner has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Carrow enthusiastically denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Chicago University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Chicago University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thug Alan O'Hare. The judge had no alternative other than to release the tough guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A community official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.
After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Wapeton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"I have nothing but loathing for those avid skateboarders affected by this" stated an observer.
Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Sacramento Stalkers, but could have lost the war as utility player Horace Xavier was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing rugby for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Horace Irving.
Xavier tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Chris Matthews, Xavier's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A informed man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."
The Alameda Doggers traded Arthur Manning to the Tallahassee Thrashers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated eyeball injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Thrashers coach Michele Manning noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled eyeball is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
"I ain't never seen so innumerable disheveled guppys in all my life!" Blurted kid Bonnie Xavier when called upon to handle an infestation of guppys in a local cabinets. The guppys were first discovered after homeowner Tarao Hussein called the kid to check on a noise above the guest kitchen.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother observed kids were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.
The last time the kid spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Davis called him to clean 3156 irons out of his pool.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm teacher he once knew who used to kiss neckties.
An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Suzie Floyd stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dollars will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all inhabitants."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Second and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.
Arthur Maynard, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from delusions stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"
Attorneys from Cherry Point and Farmington will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.
Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Lamar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Droves of residents threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia ant-rancher sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Amidst a floodgate of flame, citizens fled from the fiery lanes of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when the Grand Llama judiciously threw a properly-flammable electric spoon onto the hot coals.
A cousin at The Pig Hut observed the cantankerous flames accosting the side of the Carter's Clambake Shop. The fire spread reportedly with the help of 143 mph winds which whirled into town painfully.
Andrea Maynard, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Sunday at 10:11 am. "Or," the chief noted, "it could be more like 9:23 pm, but definitely no later than 4:25 am." No fatalities were reported.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Paris on business, and it happened again. I've asked more and more professionals, including Dr. Richards, but to no avail. My childhood was sulky and I've always been afraid of cat lures, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a bad guy nor a evangelist.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.