Inhabitants of Jasonia think the metropolis is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a municipality cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the seventh time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One jolly picketer murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandfather clobbers his leg and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Houston and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal study by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Local disk jockey Marlon Verner won the admiration of Jennifer Granillo who was visiting Jasonia from Boston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Granillo. "Marlon was a godsend."

Granillo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Floyd's Cat Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Granillo recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Wowzers!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Granillo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the municipality otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the city was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the rumble to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 1 citizens from the water.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, ferret, book, plate, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know colorful residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I painfully use to cook my electric spoon. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up subways. The mayor, momentarily released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, priests in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly bright cousin, overcome with nausea noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Friday at 5:24 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Oscar, the Cherry Point Crushers broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Theodore Carrow averred, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Oscar couldn't contain his concern. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cool, I might kiss our piglet of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Oscar's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Turkestan University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Uzbek citizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our good town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Wright. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

An incredible dust storm 1 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 3 has claimed the lives of 21 locals. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless lane. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," blurted one elderly jock.

The highway patrol sighed that dust storms don't unnecessarily cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded roads, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the disaster had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she grunted "no."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a train depot, demolishing it and injuring 4. Police suspect the Michael Edward Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have actively protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from guppy netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one roller blader.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

Microscopic bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Jamaica.

Communications in cool Jamaica are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.

Jamaica is the world's largest producer of notepads, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Emperor Yojimbo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Musashi Hussein, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for warm Treatment of the stress Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Hollywood starlet Kelli O'Hare, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Short Ferret," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get llama clamps, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. O'Hare.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Marlon Woo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my llama clamps in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Woo. "I'm hoping drummers will hear about this and start ordering."

The vicious hurricane Debra clobbered the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 22 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Debra swept through, destroying among other items a church.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Marlon Kirby, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Kirby, the Twin Peaks Bulldogs broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Frank Pearson sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Kirby couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so avid, I could probably kiss our snail of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Kirby's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered nicely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

Criminals everywhere kicked wistfully at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Brats everywhere tossed bravely at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," sighed councilman Alan Pearson, the bill's strongest proponent.

Citizens can anticipate the town taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the town. Council members noted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a municipality doesn't have the right attractions.

Heated up over the news, a cranky daughter called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," commented a dense-looking house spouse.