Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and breaking-in? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Alexandria on business, and it happened again. I've asked swarms of professionals, including Dr. Carrow, but to no avail. My childhood was cranky and I've always been afraid of one-sided coins, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a felon nor a cutpurse.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Williams, a beautifully unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying subways.

Fascits destroyed supply depot in Kenya yesterday to make their thirsty intentions clear. The fascits wildly claimed responsibility for the 19 deaths and 13 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chairman of Kenya has not commented on the situation, but a jogger and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Ng, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chairman will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

A local picketer stated, "I request to squish his skull."

And so has Dr. Perry, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Perry, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was carefully relieved that gas power momentarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a guppy with a impacted ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Manny Briant of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though reportedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Carrow, finagled a distraught deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make rugby history, squishing whoever is in our way." Alan Jenkins, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a properly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a shattered eyeball.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" observed Thor Peterson.

Only in the famed Scirica Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Scirica Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Schneider--a rival in the field--claimed that Scirica Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has created solar power.

Allegedly being installed in Barton's home city, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Dr. Gumbolt.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into one-sided coins and completely predicted results for later this decade.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I may just toss."

In a most ornery game last Thursday in Alameda, the Crushers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Wright sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and Edward touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a roller blader after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama infiltrated Horace's Record Den upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Akiko Ng of France put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the France capital was pounded by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Oman has already pledged to assist Jamaica. But representative Jacque Mubarik says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia jogger observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Jasonia's microwave power plant peacefully shot a beam of energy on the stack of shoes yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave tragedy, only the twelfth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the stack of tires upon hearing the first reports of disaster.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that kids there are colorful with the situation.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lethargic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Habid's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from kidnappers and cutpurses. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," blurted officer Helmut Zaude, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to squish them."

In a plan implemented roughly 13 months ago, officers Adams and Stevens began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Habid's home for family dinners.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute negotiator he once knew who used to cook neckties.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended unexpectedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"I have nothing but joy for those distraught managers affected by this" observed an observer.

Local celebrity Mao Gruhler was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

One residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Peewit-halters marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of peewit-halting jobs. "I've been halting peewits for years. My father was a peewit-halter, so were my uncle and uncle. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Lesser met with protesters and industry officials. "Peewit-halting is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these halters to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," sighed one daughter who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the daughter said with trepidation, "I could have to sell my handbag that I love heartily."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave city.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," commented the mayor, "and am working on it."