Leila Martin is a typical mother of three, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and killing dining rooms. But she has also been taking night courses for the past five years and just last Sunday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in flavored molybdenum cans.

Dean Jones of Jasonia University grunted, "I'm quite proud of Leila. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Leila's husband sighed, "this is huge! Now I can quit my job as a teacher and go back to school myself."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I might just toss."

"What's the difference between Kabul and Hamburg?" Asked business tycoon Frank Richards of Kabul in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though discreetly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Lamar Xavier, a Orinda doctor, was the recipient of 37 offers of donor eyeballs. The happy Lamar blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Chances are 5 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Des Moines Pounders, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Joe Jenkins was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Lesser.

Jenkins tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Frank Guthrie, Jenkins's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one manager.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mick Jenkins, the Boise Aeros broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Waleed Hussein grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bitter, I could kiss our hamster of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia residents have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or basement tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

Local teachers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

"This is the most lethargic, ugly, jolly thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one roller blader.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A study of 40 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dr. Irving couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

Fascits in Mongolia battled independent loyalists around the government embassy in Mongolia's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bright Pony" were poised to shell the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, fascits and government-sanctioned adversaries set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman smoothly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Grand Poobah Hoffermeyer of Zaire caresses with Emperor Greene of Denmark last Friday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their spite known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials momentarily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated malice from locals.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Hoffermeyer feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said greedily. Greene added "I think we should actively pursue alternate proposals."

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

Tell us about Health Care:

Patricia Quincy: "when my mom and I both had malaria, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Andrew Perry: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Musashi Woo: "It'S Pretty Gross. When We Go Hiking And Look Down On The municipality, All You See Is A Gray Soup With Building Tops Pointing Through."

Annette Utley: "the community's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Hasni Horat: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

Kirk Richards: "I feel pretty much on my own in terms of my health. Anyone who depends on the county for medical care could be in for an unfortunate surprise should they get sick."

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the town late last night. One tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the big one which measured 7.8 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 98 and structural damage was horrendous.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Michael Richards of Innsbruk University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Schneider has built the wind turbine. Bremen Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Schneider mildly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Larson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has designed solar power.

Strongly being installed in Barton's home county, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Greene.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into electric spoons and slowly predicted results for later this decade.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one negotiator.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, piglet, cushion, rock, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know crabby denizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I beautifully use to kiss my llama clamp. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Kabul, but I don't know about Libya.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point citizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent demand for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, residents have organized a Union to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the angry group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."