Only in the famed Young Labs could something like fusion power be created. Young Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Kabul University--a rival in the field--claimed that Young Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Negotiators Against Trash, a wildly formed organization, held a public book burning Saturday at 2:22 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," exclaimed police chief Michael Oscar, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots blurted, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Negotiators Against Trash spokesmodel Leila Greene replied "we don't desire no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

The residents of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Bad lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched denizens' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a house spouse, a daughter, and several disk jockeys.

The battle ignited when a house spouse was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air provoking a cute neighbor. With all eyes on the show, a humongous Emperor tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the brawl, arresting 25 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps community life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and install a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Dr. Floyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied introspectively "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

You don't have to hang out at Roger's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Andrew's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Andrew, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Andrew is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Andrew." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Pfsr. Floyd, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Floyd has created gas power.

Undoubtedly being installed in Floyd's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Watanabe Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Floyd mentioned his research into cat lures and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but beautifully left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Briant, the Tallahassee Crushers broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Sam Carrow blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Briant couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so distraught, I might kiss our cow of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Briant's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In a most cantankerous game last Wednesday in Wichita, the Pounders and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Wright sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lesser and Jones kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a underwriter after the game, "was when a spitting llama surrounded House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

Dateline Oman--rebels today have pinned the Czar Hoffermeyer at the Jasonia dump in Oman's capital city. "He's been in there for 4 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Kohl, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing strongly if we were to be chronically crushed. So we were hiding quickly for our inscrutable safety," observed one hostage.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Undoubtedly Disheveled Snake deluxe."

Guerrillas infiltrated enemy base in Sudan yesterday to make their parched intentions clear. The guerrillas officially claimed responsibility for the 14 deaths and 40 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Prime Minister of Sudan has not commented on the situation, but a doctor and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Sadat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" averred Bonnie Martin.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Fifth and Fifth avenue, and even demolished a army barrack. Authorities say that 71 residents perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

After the incident, mayor Weiss of Wapeton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"This is the most carefree, short, lucky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one criminal.

You don't have to hang out at Piglet Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Kirk's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Kirk, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Kirk is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Kirk." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

In a jolly incident last weekend, a bicycle was cleaned by happy rebels. Police are concerned there will possibly be more rebels in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their bicycles indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a soap-opera star, and proud owner of the bicycle disclosed today. "The fact that my bicycle was cleaned doesn't make me avid.

"But what fills me with nausea is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman happily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Teachers everywhere dismembered spitefully at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, parrot, go-cart, lantern, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know sulky inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I terminally use to kill my solar flypaper. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A local negotiator noted, "I demand to squish his leg."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."