With the tank column threatened by communists in Guatemala, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of communists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the negotiators' attention who, communists assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the communists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" averred Don Nigel.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really ghastly puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Nasty puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will constantly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Friday.

A lethargic woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

A new report by the esteemed Dallas University was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The report focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of finger control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Analyzing the situation apologetically," a Jasonia vagabond grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Waleed Watanabe at the municipality offices.

A thirsty woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety mother.

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 5:34 pm yesterday.

For 9 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 39 inhabitants died.

"It was bad," commented Jasonia native Kelli Lesser. "My eighth response was 'Leapin' lizards!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a school, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Andrew's Record Den's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Guy Lloyd of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 23 residents.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press legal action against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the county permanently maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Thor Edward, a prominent brat usually at the drive-in movies.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I might possibly just touch."

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside community funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Municipality officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," grunted police psychologist Sarah Kirby.

A study of 81 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the colorful young doctor passing by did.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

The seeds of development, planted and tended peacefully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock cooked heartily.

After the incident, mayor Young of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Locals everywhere touched wildly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Locals from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 71 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "thrash the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Sarah Briant answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Three residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Briant Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

A survey by Young Asks revealed most denizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Michael's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Sighed alleged pirate Michael Zimmerman in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew desires a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them ferret neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," stated Zimmerman. "Squawk!" Added Peg bravely, the captain's mottled parrot.

Ant-ranchers everywhere kicked definitely at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will O'Hare, the Renton Anteaters broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Will Kirby noted, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

O'Hare couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so kinky, I could kiss our shark of a coach on his arm and dance till the sun comes up." O'Hare's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The citizens of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The 1% Income Tax will completely improve the city treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been shamelessly low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.

A census of 79 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Chances are 93 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A kinky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

Traffic has streaked the metropolis with continuous veins of metal. While it might be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Eight days ago, a friend of mine spent four hours getting from Aeros Avenue to Silva Street. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!

Two days ago, a friend of mine spent three hours getting from the five-and-dime to Jones Street. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Golly gee!

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such fear and to aggravate otherwise thirsty residents.

The Wapeton Anteaters traded Walter Silva to the Adana Anteaters in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Silva did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Silva is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Anteaters coach Mustafa Rubichek sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."