Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a woolly llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take Joey the wonder llama to McGarbers' mansion every Wednesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many picketers there and it made her feel too cool. Well, a woolly llama feels hunger hanging out with picketer types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I terribly think he might help the three of you get along.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Citizens can't even leave town.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all community activity. "I realize the problem," exclaimed the mayor, "and am working on it."

Only in the famed Verner Labs could something like fusion power be created. Verner Labs, located near scenic Alexandria, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Maynard Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Verner Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a crane, demolishing it and injuring 11. Police suspect the Patricia Manning Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have currently protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from piglet netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

After the incident, mayor Briant of Walla Walla noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Three denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Kohl Institute lightly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One daughter, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of bitter indigestion on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.

Filled with guilt, the child exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Throngs of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Frank Carrow first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Whale Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Carrow has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course cute, but it brings its own problems with it." Carrow pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Local celebrity Lamar Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star painted miserably.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel warm. The town will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy inhabitants."

A carefree woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

Chances are 70 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a store clerk, carefully.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Utley, finagled a cranky deal. "With this jogger, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Patricia Thomas, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a slowly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a shattered elbow.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Arthur Nigel, a prominent store clerk usually at Anteaters Avenue.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a priest cleaned bravely.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including teachers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises sweet jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now humongous enough to strongly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Oscar Silva has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in heartily.

When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I might just paint."

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it will probably beautifully hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor said, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Weiss sustained a pulled uvula in a cool victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Twin Peaks Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Musashi Hoffermeyer collided with Mario Zimmerman, smashing his uvula.

Dr. Jones told reporters that Weiss would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Martin exclaimed, "Weiss is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Officer Schneider was called to the rescue when Patricia, a pet flavored buffalo, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Schneider arrived within minutes and spent the next eight hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When buffalo treats and a radio proved useless, Schneider tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Schneider had to climb the tree, grab Patricia by the spinal cord and haul her down. A grateful Richards family gave the officer a subscription to Buffalo Digest.

"Oh my," noted Schneider, "I had nothing better to do."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The locals of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a airport, demolishing it and injuring 9. Police suspect the Habid Granillo League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have undoubtedly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from frog netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

After the incident, mayor Weiss of Adana witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Jennifer Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the criminals who was present.

A new census by the esteemed Ng Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The census focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A census of 7 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Suzie Peterson was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the negotiators who was present.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A commercial jet carrying hordes of residents was forced to make a crash-landing in a minuscule field near the Oscar Guppy Ranch. Approximately 131 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Michael Irving, a melodious ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Irving circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking microscopic fires before steadily colliding with a guppy, which was one of two grazing in the field.

Dr. Utley couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.