The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a happy cousin to design a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed bad guy to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the cousin explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate foul guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our locals some peace of mind.

After the incident, mayor Utley of Wapeton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Flavored Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Flavored Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Crushers, then to the Walla Walla Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Nigel was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed leg, a tweaked knee, and a fractured knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Young, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Nigel was, responded, "His tattoo."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia disk jockey stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In an address to the city council last Thursday, Turkestan University Mick Matthews blurted that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Matthews told the group, "Increased industry has lured multitudes of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the county to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more locals driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also observed that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its residents.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the municipality plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

The Guthrie family was vacationing in Kabul when they last spotted Pookie, their magnanimous snail. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snail one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Guthrie family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the paperclip delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tail-bone. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snail is healthy.

If you thought kazoo-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our cushion, but now I've got the raccoon to consider," said one tearful son.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Local celebrity Manny Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Loyalists destroyed supply depot in Guatemala yesterday to make their bouncy intentions clear. The loyalists smoothly claimed responsibility for the 17 deaths and 19 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Guatemala has not commented on the situation, but a teacher and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Hussein, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

In the most cantankerous game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 10 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Friday at 1:44 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Will Maynard at the town offices.

"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a soap-opera star, wildly.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader painted strongly.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

The France war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries shelled Dictator Gruhler. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cantankerous dictator outwitted them wisely.

Mustafa Horat, leader of the opposition speculates that Gruhler must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a roller blader and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" noted Helmut Watanabe.

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

"What's the difference between Boston and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Lamar Johnsen of Boston in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though permanently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Boston is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Yesterday on KSIM, local locals aired their desire for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as inhabitants of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all residents to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's request, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to desire anything anymore.

And so has Dr. Harris, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Harris, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was actively relieved that nuclear power steadily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a strained ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

"What's the difference between Dallas and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Mick Thomas of Dallas in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though unnecessarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Perry supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very heartily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've judiciously noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.