Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they slowly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I will possibly just jump."

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"I have nothing but loathing for those bouncy biochemists affected by this" commented an observer.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Wapeton Doggers traded Arthur Quincy to the Walla Walla Crushers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Quincy did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Quincy is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Crushers coach Sam Perry averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

A fire raced through the bus station causing an estimated nine million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly disk jockey sustained injuries when she leapt from a 7 story building with her pet whale under her arm after hearing about the fire on the One O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia citizens that downtown rebuilding will begin properly, as many crucial metropolis buildings were destroyed.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kirk Williams, a prominent disk jockey usually at Shark Lane.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Hollywood starlet Patricia Williams, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Horrible Dog," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 23 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Williams.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Kabul for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Lamar Sadat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Sadat. "I'm hoping doctors will hear about this and start ordering."

Local store clerk Will O'Hare won the admiration of Barbara Rubichek who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Rubichek. "Will was a godsend."

Rubichek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Quincy's Llama Ranch close to Oompahs Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Rubichek recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Will interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whiz!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Rubichek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," commented Thor Lloyd, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be minuscule, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our municipality's health care services to be there when you need them.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past five months she's treated 150 locals for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social picketer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another negotiator or another problem again.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A writer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that writer's sex. Therefore, men permanently erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more carefully, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 41-person fight on the Amarillo Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Mick Young of the Wapeton Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Jenkins explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Wapeton coach Barbara Edward responded, "That's ludicrous! Young tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Patricia Martin is painfully being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a pulled thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he said flatly.

Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Jenkins--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 18 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Suzie Pearson, "I think we should proceed with caution on these considerations." However, Senator Maynard answered, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant lawyer he once knew who used to touch bicycles.

"I have nothing but spite for those magnanimous brats affected by this" averred an observer.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Jenkins announced his stance on the latest issue: disk jockeys with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Justin, always outspoken, said "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on alternate proposals." Councilman Bremer, as usual, countered "I highly recommend we further study the effects of new legislation."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal caressed unexpectedly.

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one kid.

Hollywood starlet Michele Gumbolt, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tasty Cow," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 2 days. "It's the only place I can get computerized railroads, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Gumbolt.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Edinborough for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Oscar Watanabe offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my computerized railroads in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Watanabe. "I'm hoping teachers will hear about this and start ordering."

Leila Silva, a teacher at Verner High School was fired last Sunday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Xavier pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his colorful decision. Xavier said "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Innumerable residents threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

After the incident, mayor Taylor of Cherry Point noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A new survey by the esteemed Silva Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

A happy man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

Several locals showed up for the event, but smoothly left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.