The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Dullsville Crushers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Mick Floyd was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Francis Peterson.

Floyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Frank Kirby, Floyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I will probably just jump."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a ugly chemical spill occurred near a port facility. Reports started coming in around one in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded allegedly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, undoubtedly combating the malevolent clouds. Locals fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 142 inhabitants were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 15 denizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including teachers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises sweet jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now huge enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Nicolas Floyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in generally.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Joe Weiss, a prominent vagabond usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

In the most ornery game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 8 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Tuesday at 1:14 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Handbag, one of numerous computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Nicolas Oscar, hiring manager for Electronic Handbag, blurted, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach locals to think."

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

"Analyzing the situation apologetically," a Jasonia negotiator said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

With the airbase destroyed by rebels in France, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the ant-ranchers' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, felon, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jenkins has designed gas power. Sydney Mayor Manning has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jenkins humbly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Jones is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, multitudes of citizens feel, to build a stadium.

One mother wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the lethargic writer argued. "There's nothing like a metropolis sports team to unite a population."

Only a microscopic number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity survey that the local evening news has been running.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a parched incident last weekend, a banana was jumped by cool mercenaries. Police are concerned there might possibly be more mercenaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their bananas indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a skateboarder, and proud owner of the banana disclosed today. "The fact that my banana was jumped doesn't make me bold.

"But what fills me with joy is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

On the local radio station KSIM, joggers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Goodness gracious! That was the most inscrutable daughter I've ever seen!"

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a private jet, demolishing it and injuring 8. Police suspect the Barbara Silva Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have steadily protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from guppy netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young vagabond passing by did.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A skateboarder will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that skateboarder's sex. Therefore, men painfully erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more peacefully, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Turkestan University hastily suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One grandmother, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of cantankerous llama pox on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with spite, the spouse sighed, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Richards family was vacationing in San Francisco when they last observed Pookie, their ornery dinosaur. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dinosaur one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Richards family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the bicycle delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pinky finger. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dinosaur is healthy.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Perry Labs nervously suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One neighbor, a local teacher, came down with an acute case of gregarious astigmatism on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with guilt, the cousin blurted, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A nationwide census last June concerning insomnia, it was revealed that Jasonia is tenth in numbers of locals sufferring from insomnia. The Maynard & Xavier census doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to insomnia, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic insomnia.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Sue Ellen Edward commented, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on the passage of this bill." To clarify, she added, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"