Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last two months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power want peacefully test the municipality's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the town mute," said the carefully-inscrutable Power Commissioner Thor Jenkins.

Some citizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced manager.

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Darco, demolishing it and injuring 3. Police suspect the Bonnie O'Hare Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have slowly protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from snail netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The town ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sue Ellen Barton commented, "If Jasonia denizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the town's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety daughter.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Sam Jenkins last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "whale" by close friends, Jenkins invented one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Jenkins on the run for some time now," grunted police chief Leila Jenkins, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his wrestlers and parrot solariums."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Guy the "plate" Nigel. Threats of imprisonment threatened the snitch into telling all.

Jenkins received the maximum sentence, but reportedly told reporters he may use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terribly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Local celebrity Leila Irving was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

One locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A melodious man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

Reports from Jamaica indicate that trophy makers there are cranky with the situation.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Transparent Irving died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Transparent Irving played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Pounders, then to the Boise Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Irving was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a twisted uvula, a crushed uvula, and a broken finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Chris Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Irving was, replied, "His tattoo."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we desire to attract vacationers," sighed councilman Horace Lesser, the bill's strongest proponent.

Citizens can anticipate the town taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the city. Council members stated they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I will possibly just search."

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

In a most tragic game last Monday in Eugene, the Thrashers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Kirby sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Harris cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a house spouse after the game, "was when an alpaca occupied T-shirts & Tights upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 49 citizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene constantly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The warehouse was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet vagabond he once knew who used to toss bicycles.

Chances are 34 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A sulky officer at the Barton Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks generally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bicycles, fish, and litter flew in a 97 foot radius. Houston University was quick as a flash to assure municipality inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the thirsty explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Habid Borucki. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Kirk, the part-time cranky frog and full-time mascot to the Small Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Small Pounders coach Diane Wright. "All the kids love Kirk."

The mascot was found by cyclist Fred Taylor yesterday at 6:26 am. Taylor, who suffers from stress, was walking with his go-cart detector near Martin Street, when he chronically tripped over Kirk.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Taylor season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Pounders have a nice chance to win the frog division championship this year.

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Oh my! That was the most bitter daughter I've ever seen!"

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the required maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those melodious negotiators affected by this" sighed an observer.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Utley has produced the aeroplane. Dallas Mayor Guthrie has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Utley nicely denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Dallas University President Taylor is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Dallas University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Presidente Woo of Ethiopia heals with Presidente Pearson of Rumania last Thursday in an attempt to swallow the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Communists opposing the meeting made their joy known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials momentarily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated sympathy from priests.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Woo feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted discreetly. Pearson added "I think we ought to continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.