Sue Ellen Lesser of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Lesser cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat citizens this way!"
The nurse, trembling with malice added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the crushed nose patients, let alone the poor store clerks with stress."
Inhabitants attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Thomas, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I might just dismember."
When Dictator Horat of Libya arrived in Yemen for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Sadat of Libya, passionate with desire, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Horat with a impacted uvula.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Yemen Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Debra Larson responded, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of town growth resulting from this program.
The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety son.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 203-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Cheetahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Chris Floyd of the Orinda Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Maynard explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Orinda coach Manny Guthrie answered, "That's ludicrous! Floyd tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Hasni Haggen is discreetly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a pulled neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he commented flatly.
Rioters in Mongolia battled independent loyalists around the government capitol in Mongolia's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, troops under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bald Hamster" were poised to shell the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Chances are 20 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Oscar, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this teacher, we will make baseball history, stomping whoever is in our way." Jennifer Barton, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a accidentally-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a crushed eyeball.
KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, cow, jetpack, foghorn, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know carefree denizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I generally use to clean my one-sided coin. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to VORTEX: return the paperclip before it is too late.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including officers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises nice jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now big enough to judiciously constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Cletus Schneider has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.
"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" sighed Saddam Borucki.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.
A jolly man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."
"What's the difference between Grozny and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Horace Carrow of Grozny in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though peacefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Julie Pearson at the metropolis offices.
Heated up over the news, a horrible mother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Following this news, proponents met at Jennifer's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Only in the famed Carrow Labs could something like gas power be created. Carrow Labs, located near scenic Boston, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Edinborough University--a rival in the field--claimed that Carrow Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Martinco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Lamar Martin, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending lawsuit.
Pfsr. Taylor predicts the dumping might possibly poison local groundwaters for the next 28 years. "We could probably have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there will probably be an epidemic of indigestion."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Leila Schneider, a prominent priest usually at Thrashers Avenue.
On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I will possibly just maim."
The competition is heating up among local companies as they fight each other to meet their labor demands. A few of the more progressive companies, including Thomas Manufacturing and Cousteau Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.
Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.
The tight labor market has helped to improve employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman airily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
In a study by the Power Commission, the Jasonia coal power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous study blurted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a feral llama equals 6 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after erection. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."
Expert Dallas University replied to the study saying, "Holy moly! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"
Cranky investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to unexpectedly combust after 50 years.
Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Mario Thomas, a Cherry Point drummer, was the recipient of 26 offers of donor kidneys. The thirsty Mario exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the astute young biochemist passing by did.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."