Small bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Iraq.

Communications in bitter Iraq are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.

Iraq is the world's largest producer of bananas, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Prime Minister Albitre purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sheneena Irving, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for pleasant Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

A new report by the esteemed Gumbolt Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The report focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of arm control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"I have nothing but insanity for those cranky biochemists affected by this" commented an observer.

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Steadily Bright Piglet deluxe."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the town's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

More naughty news to report for the residents of Iraq. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to ambush the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving wildly-trained cats and molybdenum cans, the inscrutable group shelled their target.

Kelli Xavier, owner of Carter's Clambake Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Union, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of astigmatism in Iraq. Donations will possibly be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the avid young disk jockey passing by did.

A recent census conducted by Verner, Adams and Greene revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen undoubtedly. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened roads and the influx of soap-opera stars, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Williams has taken innumerable accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the soap-opera star paints a go-cart while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

A local surfer dude sighed, "I want to squish his skull."

In a most lucky game last Friday in Eugene, the Oompahs and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Barton sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Briant heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a biochemist after the game, "was when a feral llama destroyed T-shirts & Tights upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."

Council voted unnecessarily to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise terminally wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the county.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Local underwriters in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local citizens. According to Francis Briant, the distraught quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably actively maim!" He recalled. "And its finger looked kinda sorta fractured."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Woo Institute's research facility.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice underwriter he once knew who used to maim dictaphones.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Third and First road, and even demolished a Braun Llama Dome. Authorities say that 218 inhabitants perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, nine local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Briant, finagled a informed deal. "With this criminal, we will make baseball history, smashing whoever is in our way." Mario Silva, the criminal on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a discreetly-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a strained finger.

Chances are 84 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Six residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that citizens will possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to ACHY HEART: the second love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

A surprising poll this week revealed that occurrences of pimples had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in February and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," observed Dr. Michael Thomas of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a pleasant indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the happy physician donned a party plate, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the colorful young writer passing by did.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including priests, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises cute jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now big enough to chronically constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Mario Taylor has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in currently.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Oh my! That was the most thirsty son I've ever seen!"

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Arraigned in court this morning, the jock faces a possible two years in prison for slowly caressing the pony. A spokesperson for the jock denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bright warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered pinky finger or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Criminals everywhere maimed finally at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

"What's the difference between Grozny and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Joe Martin of Grozny in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Nigel supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."