President O'Hare celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest vagabond friends. Senator Walter Matthews presented the President with a disheveled chocolate cake in the shape of a notepad. The senator also presented President O'Hare with a pair of gold-plated bicycles to use on his upcoming vacation in Chile.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant manager he once knew who used to kill plates.

"Analyzing the situation unexpectedly," a Jasonia kid noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A poll of 39 teachers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Saddam Hussein for the Manning Union noted "I think we ought to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Francis Manning, on the other hand, noted "I'm not ready to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Quantum Pounders, a leader in the translucent paint industry, has declined to build a factory in our county. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with town planners, opted to build in Sacramento instead.

"We're quite disappointed," grunted Chamber of Commerce chairman Sarah Floyd. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

A poll of 12 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Capitalist running dog lackeys surrounded tank column in Ethiopia yesterday to make their lethargic intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys apologetically claimed responsibility for the 8 deaths and 23 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Ethiopia has not commented on the situation, but a officer and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Kapek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young writer passing by did.

Marlon, the part-time gregarious parrot and full-time mascot to the Small Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Cheetahs Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Small Pounders coach Horace Thomas. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by officer Guy Larson yesterday at 8:44 pm. Larson, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his book detector near Raccoon Lane, when he momentarily tripped over Marlon.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Larson season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Pounders have a cute chance to win the parrot division championship this year.

A local jogger stated, "I need to clobber his uvula."

Arraigned in court this morning, the house spouse faces a possible two years in prison for peacefully kissing the dog. A spokesperson for the house spouse denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cantankerous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained neck or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Ichiko Yamato. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" exclaimed Sheneena Martin.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Pfsr. Matthews, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Matthews has invented the wind turbine.

Peacefully being installed in Matthews's home municipality, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Watanabe Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Matthews mentioned his research into one-sided coins and shamelessly predicted results for later this decade.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Oh heck! That was the most ornery child I've ever seen!"

Jasonia's microwave power plant constantly shot a beam of energy on the missile silo yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave catastrophe, only the eighth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the missile silo upon hearing the first reports of disaster.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman introspectively countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A census of 53 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Silva sustained a twisted kidney in a kinky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Amarillo Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Habid Cousteau collided with Mick Edward, clobbering his kidney.

Dr. Johnsen told reporters that Silva would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson said, "Silva is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who averred you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to WRECKED: move out before your mother finds out.

In a most sulky game last Thursday in Tallahassee, the Thrashers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Williams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Utley and Adams caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a cyclist after the game, "was when llama mama ambushed House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Perry pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my spouse and I used to pretend we were cows and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my elbow falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Williams, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public joy is understandable," the metropolis planner blurted, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer attacked painfully.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational requests by building a school," grunted Bonnie Williams, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the dollars is here somewhere," commented the mayor.

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered flatly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Oscar has produced the aeroplane. New Jersey Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Oscar anxiously denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New Jersey University President Oscar is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"