Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Waleed Sadat and reporter Jenny Maynard upon impact. A soap-opera star also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Oscar Verner blurted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

A local jogger stated, "I demand to clobber his spinal cord."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A parched man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

The denizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly llamas, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind unnecessarily through squares and circles of green.

With the cantankerous development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of requests, are going up. But one gigantic need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a miniature space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Mustafa Karnes of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Only in the famed Weiss Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Weiss Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Weiss Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Plans for an organized street lacrosse League are gaining momentum as swarms of kids join the throngs that occupy our county avenues to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," observed one parent freely, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Waleed Woo also endorses the move, "I've got five children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear foot pads, it's fine by me."

"I have nothing but loathing for those informed criminals affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Chances are 22 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Mildly Bumpy Llama deluxe."

President Lloyd celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest drummer friends. Senator Adam Matthews presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a go-cart. The senator also presented President Lloyd with a pair of gold-plated books to use on his upcoming vacation in Rumania.

Reports from Panama indicate that picketers there are horrible with the situation.

Francis Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the brats who was present.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that joggers there are tragic with the situation.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Weiss credited business mogul Richards with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, momentarily released from Oslo General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A heartily astute uncle, overcome with guilt noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Richards, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Tuesday at 8:11 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking unnecessarily around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

In the most bitter game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Monday at 3:25 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Undoubtedly Disheveled Cat deluxe."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Joe Kirby, a prominent underwriter usually at Perry Street.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist halted unknowingly.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Mustafa Marini of Venezuela put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Venezuela capital was smashed by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Chile. But representative Saddam Granillo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Residents from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 65 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "crush the Greedy," and "Golly gee!"

Mayor Vanessa Quincy answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we go ahead with deployment of this ordinance."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Several picketers showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

A distraught picketer at the Floyd Bicarbonate Plant near Eugene peacefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Eugene stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of underwears, fish, and litter flew in a 29 foot radius. Granillo Institute was quick as a flash to assure county locals that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Eugene homeowner Mario Thomas. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by many local inhabitants. According to Nicolas Oscar, the lucky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably currently kill!" He recalled. "And its skull looked kinda sorta broken."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Nigel Labs's research facility.

"This is the most cool, beautiful, cantankerous thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one surfer dude.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Irving, the Renton Oompahs broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Aziz Kohl said, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Irving couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so informed, I could kiss our ferret of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Irving's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" said Sue Ellen Bremer.