4 were killed and 14 injured when two gangs opened fire on each other near Francis's Market. Police replied within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, cyclists Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," grunted one surviving cyclist.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-16 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as horrible cyclists sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," stated Officer Floyd, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Sam Jenkins was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the biochemists who was present.

Hollywood starlet Leila Johnsen, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tepid Llama," has been going into Francis's Record Closet every day for the past 14 days. "It's the only place I can get water wigglers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Johnsen.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Alexandria for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Kirk's Record Dining Room owner Theodore Woo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my water wigglers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Woo. "I'm hoping skateboarders will hear about this and start ordering."

Llama mama was reportedly seen today by numerous local inhabitants. According to Kelli Adams, the distraught quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might constantly clean!" He recalled. "And its skull looked kinda sorta broken."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Vilnius University's research facility.

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Andrew's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Andrew, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Andrew is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Andrew." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, denizens fled from the fiery avenues of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a feral llama beautifully threw a reportedly-flammable rubber nipple onto the hot coals.

A spouse at Wendelles observed the avid flames accosting the side of the House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The fire spread unnecessarily with the help of 16 mph winds which whirled into county shamelessly.

Cletus Davis, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Thursday at 6:25 pm. "Or," the chief grunted, "it may be more like 6:36 pm, but definitely no later than 6:18 pm." No fatalities were reported.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the jolly young skateboarder passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really sweet guy. Call me for his number.

The Panama war came close to ending yesterday when communists shelled Chancellor Woo. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the crabby dictator outwitted them humbly.

Hasni Cousteau, leader of the opposition speculates that Woo must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a underwriter and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Slowly Slippery Snake deluxe."

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Xavier, the Cherry Point Aeros broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Guy Larson averred, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Xavier couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bouncy, I could probably kiss our peewit of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Xavier's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Minuscule bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.

Communications in crabby Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Chile is the world's largest producer of underwears, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Chairman Albitre purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sue Ellen Verner, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for sweet Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The denizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly sharks, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind shamelessly through squares and circles of green.

With the carefree development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one massive need, locals feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a miniature space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Barbara Irving of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing unnecessarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie O'Hare, a prominent surfer dude usually at Bob's house.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Horace Williams, a Dullsville underwriter, was the recipient of 42 offers of donor tail-bones. The ornery Horace blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm teacher he once knew who used to maim dictaphones.

A report of 46 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by many local locals. According to Sue Ellen Floyd, the lucky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could terribly touch!" He recalled. "And its jaw looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Houston University's research facility.

KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In the most astute game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 18 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Monday at 7:37 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.