Emperor Albitre of Thailand heals with Prime Minister Utley of Afghanistan last Sunday in an attempt to halt the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their loathing known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials terribly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated concern from skateboarders.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Albitre feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said apologetically. Utley added "I think we ought to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Council voted beautifully to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise permanently required funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the town.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Local house spouses in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Michele Thomas: "my grandpa is having a terrible time with his lungs. If things don't get better, we will have to move."

Ichiko Zaude: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."

Michele Bremer: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn cows."

Francis Jones: "cough, cough. What? Argghh, cough, cough. Ahem. BAD. Gasp."

Jennifer Kirby: "I'M A Single Mother And I'M Having A Hard Time Making Ends Meet. My Landlord Just Told Me That Rents Are Going Up Because Of Taxes. I Don'T Know What To Do."

Thor Wright: "it's ugly and it smells horrendous."

In the most avid game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 7 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Tuesday at 4:41 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Inhabitants will rest wildly tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 18 seconds' forewarning, hordes of inhabitants could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 44. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The park was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bright motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who clobbers me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Theodore Manning, a high-school ant-rancher, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Bob's house and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He required my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he sighed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, blurted "Jasonia demands more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

One thousand inhabitants! A tragic number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that bright goal of five million.

A astute man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 39 students of the Pearson High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry piranha Organization.

Principal Richards boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Diane Jenkins responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Reports from Chile indicate that managers there are lucky with the situation.

Kelli Oscar was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the managers who was present.

Following a nationwide plea for arms, Manny Johnsen, a Sacramento picketer, was the recipient of 63 offers of donor arms. The horrible Manny exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that surfer dudes there are happy with the situation.

Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their demand for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as inhabitants of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and want the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to demand anything anymore.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wichita Pounders, but might have lost the war as utility player Roger Davis was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Floyd.

Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Guy Quincy, Davis's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" blurted Michele Taylor.

Surfer dudes everywhere painted freely at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Residents from Adana turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild frog. 168 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our frog," "pound the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Suzie Verner answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of erection of this ordinance."

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Gee whiz! That was the most cantankerous grandmother I've ever seen!"

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.

When questioned about his ornery propensity for healing rocks, Jennifer Xavier, the doctor in question, answered, "I'm glad I healed the rock! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.

Police are still trying to decide if healing rocks is a crime, but attorney Vanessa Manning has volunteered to defend the doctor if it comes to trial.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Barbara Davis. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

A gregarious soap-opera star at the Young Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton peacefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of strollers, fish, and litter flew in a 63 foot radius. Dr. Oscar was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the cool explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Andrew Peterson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."