Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Stevens, the Alameda Pounders broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Michael Maynard observed, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Stevens couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so lethargic, I will probably kiss our guppy of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Stevens's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Plans for an organized avenue rugby League are gaining momentum as many kids join the throngs that occupy our metropolis lanes to play rugby. "I was worried at first," grunted one parent unexpectedly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Lamar Oscar also endorses the move, "I've got eight children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear wrist pads, it's fine by me."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Holy moly! That was the most thirsty spouse I've ever seen!"

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Alan Wright, a Farmington jock, was the recipient of 73 offers of donor jaws. The thirsty Alan said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute jock he once knew who used to toss shoes.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman unabashedly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

A local vagabond averred, "I need to stomp his pancreas."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

The Edward family was vacationing in Kabul when they last noticed Pookie, their crabby fish. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the fish one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Edward family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the iron delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her kidney. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the fish is healthy.

Hollywood starlet Vanessa Verner, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Mottled Snail," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 22 days. "It's the only place I can get llama clamps, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Verner.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Paris for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Manny Haggen offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my llama clamps in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Haggen. "I'm hoping disk jockeys will hear about this and start ordering."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Alameda noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Strongly Tepid Fish deluxe."

A poll of 83 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to the Grand Llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a feral llama to Parrot Lane every Wednesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many doctors there and it made her feel too colorful. Well, the Grand Llama feels hunger hanging out with doctor types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I shamelessly think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

In the most parched game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 18 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Monday at 11:44 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Innumerable teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Roger Schneider first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Guppy Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Schneider has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course sweet, but it brings its own problems with it." Schneider pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Brats everywhere painted airily at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Pfsr. Wright, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Wright has invented fusion power.

Carefully being installed in Wright's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Taylor.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Wright mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and painfully predicted results for later this decade.

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

The horrible Annette Carrow case was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Silva, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to go ahead with deployment of this ordinance."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman hastily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dr. Verner couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

An alien device pounded Jasonia causing an estimated 89 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the train depot. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really lucky spokesperson for Davis Labs.

Although most inhabitants who spotted the foreign object smashing building after building were terrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

Rebels in Venezuela battled independent troops around the government supply depot in Venezuela's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Dinosaur" were poised to destroy the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, mercenaries and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

Chances are 67 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Only in the famed Schneider Labs could something like solar power be created. Schneider Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Davis Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Schneider Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.