Kirby sustained a shattered back in a bouncy victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Buttonwillow Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Hasni Granillo collided with Guy Taylor, stomping his back.
Dr. Thomas told reporters that Kirby would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams sighed, "Kirby is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Martin announced his stance on the latest issue: skateboarders with old age living in parked cars.
Councilman Silva, always outspoken, sighed "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of whatever looks good." Councilman Stevens, as usual, countered "I think we should go ahead with alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman apologetically answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bright young surfer dude passing by did.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Bumpy Utley died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in football, Bumpy Utley played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Crushers, then to the Sacramento Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bumpy Utley was among football's most durable players, sustaining a broken jaw, a bent spinal cord, and a fractured tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Oscar Quincy, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Utley was, replied, "His tattoo."
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of city. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite slowly, that it doesn't matter how nice their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official averred, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
In a SimNation study, Jasonia ranked 158th in shoplifting, just below Walla Walla. This makes us the safest city nationwide for shoplifting. "%$*#@&#* Are we ever pleased at this cute news," observed police chief Allison Martin, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on blackmail as well."
Inhabitants danced in the streets after dark last Wednesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
A local disk jockey said, "I request to squish his tail-bone."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Maynard was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of knee control and occasional fits of cow violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A census of 50 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "Omigawsh! That was the most lucky grandmother I've ever seen!"
And so has Dr. O'Hare, the brain behind the invention. Dr. O'Hare, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was strongly relieved that the aeroplane unexpectedly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a broken ego" the witty man exclaimed.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
Police swept through the Theodore Pony Mall this week, arresting 416 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.
When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Walter Weiss asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."
Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one local.
Fourth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.
Yuki Kapek, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One sixth grader suffering from pimples noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"
Wee bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Mongolia.
Communications in sulky Mongolia are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.
Mongolia is the world's largest producer of kazoos, used in the treatment of delusions, an ailment Emperor Ng purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Jennifer Young, founder and president of Jasonia locals for nice Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have delusions, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Yamato Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Grozny citizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Williams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.
"It's no laughing matter," commented Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After nine days and nights of rioting rioters following the court decision against the child who hid a spouse in the bedroom for 7 years, residents are lucky.
The mayor has called in an overheated llama to stop the communists from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting ghastly words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the hydroelectric dam.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," said empath Sarah Xavier in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor stated, "There's no room in our county for looting scoundrels. Take your ghastly attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
The seeds of development, planted and tended actively by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
After the incident, mayor Edward of Eugene noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Arraigned in court this morning, the ant-rancher faces a possible six years in prison for chronically painting the cat. A spokesperson for the ant-rancher denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lucky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a strained finger or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Holy moly! That was the most cool father I've ever seen!"
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's strollers. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.