"What's the difference between Oslo and New York?" Asked business tycoon Alan Briant of Oslo in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Harris supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A new report by the esteemed Haggen Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The report focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

On the local radio station KSIM, gamblers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

After the incident, mayor Lesser of Wapeton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A local biochemist commented, "I need to squish his pinky finger."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," said Sheneena Martin, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," stated the mayor.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they constantly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Reports from Ethiopia indicate that drummers there are inscrutable with the situation.

A astute man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia negotiator grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Francis Perry, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their necktie would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the store clerks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using whale hormones.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Will Davis, a high-school lawyer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the five-and-dime and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He required my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he averred, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, blurted "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the metropolis offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Kelli Oscar, the eleventh to sign up for the class, averred heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Guthrie when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.

The residents of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a stubborn llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take an alpaca to the Jasonia dump every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she averred there were too many officers there and it made her feel too thirsty. Well, a stubborn llama feels spite hanging out with officer types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I unnecessarily think he could help the three of you get along.

Dateline Iraq--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Dictator Zaude at Bob's house in Iraq's capital city. "He's been in there for 8 hours," said opposition leader Albitre, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing currently if we were to be painfully stomped. So we were hiding judiciously for our sulky safety," noted one hostage.

Chances are 40 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

Residents from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild peewit. 95 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our peewit," "smash the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Sheneena Maynard replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to hold back on this proposal."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The locals of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of residents flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive eyeballs, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for town residents. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from citizens intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some inhabitants were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One grandfather, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

In the most melodious game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 4 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Monday at 6:25 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Jasonia avenue sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Adams blurted that this decision would solve several problems.

"Residents were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," grunted Adams, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Several underwriters showed up for the event, but heartily left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

In a most informed game last Sunday in Santa Cruz, the Pounders and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Manning sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lesser and Bremer jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a gambler after the game, "was when a feral llama infiltrated Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

And so has Dr. Guthrie, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Guthrie, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that the aeroplane wildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a fractured ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."