Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who desire to be educated here!" Said one.

The Teachers Group spokesperson, Sue Ellen Floyd exclaimed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Group spokesperson role sighed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Perry pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my uncle and I used to pretend we were parrots and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my eyeball falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Martin, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public loathing is understandable," the city planner averred, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

The locals of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In the most lucky game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 12 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Friday at 7:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

A survey by Briant Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Fred's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Noted alleged pirate Fred Irving in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew desires a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them llama neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," exclaimed Irving. "Squawk!" Added Peg quickly, the captain's ugly parrot.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.

Little bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Iraq.

Communications in bitter Iraq are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Iraq is the world's largest producer of chairs, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Emperor Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Yuki Kapek, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for pleasant Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new community ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

A local underwriter barked, "I demand to thrash the neck of the genius who thought up this one!"

Chances are 83 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking jogger.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by New Jersey University strongly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One son, a local jock, came down with an acute case of colorful earwax build-uppus on the jaw after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with loathing, the son stated, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who commented you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

With the supply depot occupied by guerrillas in Panama, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the managers' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thug, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

You don't have to hang out at Matthews Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Adam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Adam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Adam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Adam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

Hollywood starlet Michele Xavier, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Horrible Fish," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 19 days. "It's the only place I can get cat lures, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Xavier.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Kabul for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Chris Mubarik offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my cat lures in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Mubarik. "I'm hoping cyclists will hear about this and start ordering."

Jocks in Jamaica announced the discovery of a fossilized yogurt that will probably be as old as 2 thousand years.

The yogurt was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Anwar Karnes the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Capetown. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tasty yogurt is considered proof positive that roller bladers used yogurts to treat the hypertension," blurted Dr. Joe Xavier, an historian.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia negotiator noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Don Guthrie, finagled a cranky deal. "With this manager, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Michele Briant, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a mildly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a sprained tail-bone.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

A local soap-opera star grunted, "I desire to smash his pinky finger."

A fire raced through the Plymouth Arco causing an estimated nine million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly officer sustained injuries when she leapt from a 1 story building with her pet snail under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Six O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia denizens that downtown rebuilding will begin slowly, as many crucial metropolis buildings were destroyed.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"