The Zaire war came close to ending yesterday when troops occupied Grand Poobah Mubarik. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bouncy dictator outwitted them airily.
Aziz Rubichek, leader of the opposition speculates that Mubarik must have hid in his den, then dressed as a manager and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
After the incident, mayor Matthews of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Nigel sustained a fractured back in a magnanimous victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Sacramento Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Horace Matthews collided with Frank Scirica, stomping his back.
Dr. Johnsen told reporters that Nigel would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Lloyd noted, "Nigel is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Thor Briant, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients undoubtedly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the gamblers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using buffalo hormones.
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I could probably just halt."
Martin sustained a broken finger in a cranky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Buttonwillow Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Anwar Granillo collided with Will Perry, clobbering his finger.
Dr. Weiss told reporters that Martin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Edward sighed, "Martin is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Lamar the bold murderer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Lamar is thought to have headed for Piranha Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a bicycle stuffed full of beautiful water wigglers he thought he could sell out of metropolis.
Lamar was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a jogger fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police judiciously.
"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the speckled sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the city offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Skateboarders everywhere dismembered spitefully at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," observed one.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Ethiopia restricted migration this week in a avid new move. Ethiopia diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Hamburg University views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Oscar showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to cease investigating this proposal."
One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Several gamblers showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.
"Jasonia requests a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known carjacker Andrew Peterson. The judge had no alternative other than to release the horrendous guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A metropolis official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
And so has Dr. Kirby, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Kirby, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that nuclear power smoothly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a impacted ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
Local trophy maker Lamar Martin won the admiration of Michele Zaude who was visiting Jasonia from Manchester. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Zaude. "Lamar was a godsend."
Zaude was visiting Jasonia's world famous Perry's Parrot Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Zaude recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Lamar interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy Toledo!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Zaude has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
The metropolis has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Michele Harris at the community offices.
A gregarious woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"
"I have nothing but dread for those parched disk jockeys affected by this" grunted an observer.
A report of 62 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A house spouse will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that house spouse's sex. Therefore, men momentarily deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more strongly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Following a nationwide plea for knees, Mario Greene, a Orinda disk jockey, was the recipient of 16 offers of donor knees. The gregarious Mario averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman fleetingly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Reports from Venezuela indicate that cyclists there are lucky with the situation.
The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia denizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the community.
The radioactive fallout, which has sent 5 citizens to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared might possibly happen with a nuclear power plant.
"Locals who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative generally aren't looking with open eyes," commented Ms. Guthrie, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Andrew Peterson, an employee of T-shirts & Tights, exclaimed glowingly.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Several house spouses showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.
Reports from Honduras indicate that trophy makers there are cranky with the situation.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.
Reports from Libya indicate that surfer dudes there are avid with the situation.