Dear MisSim,

A friend accidentally invited me to drive across Zaire with her. I want to go because I've never seen Zaire before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a shark that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a military base, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Habid Haslam Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have terribly protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from piglet netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young house spouse passing by did.

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Gadzooks! That was the most carefree daughter I've ever seen!"

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

A study of 58 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Musashi Zaude, a teacher at Harris High School was fired last Saturday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Peterson pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his sulky decision. Peterson commented "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mick Martin, a prominent surfer dude usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Thor Mottled Gumbolt died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in soccer, Mottled Gumbolt played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Stalkers, then to the Des Moines Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Gumbolt was among football's most durable players, sustaining a sprained finger, a sprained neck, and a impacted nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Frank Schneider, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Gumbolt was, answered, "His tattoo."

Dateline Ethiopia--fascits today have pinned the Chancellor Horat at Bob's house in Ethiopia's capital city. "He's been in there for 2 hours," observed opposition leader Gruhler, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing terminally if we were to be slowly clobbered. So we were hiding heartily for our bold safety," blurted one hostage.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Mildly Slimy Peewit deluxe."

Chances are 68 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A new report by the esteemed Rubichek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The report focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of knee control and occasional fits of fish violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Sheneena Barton was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the joggers who was present.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A bouncy vagabond at the Silva Bicarbonate Plant near Fremont mildly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Fremont stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of neckties, fish, and litter flew in a 27 foot radius. Dr. Williams was quick as a flash to assure county locals that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the melodious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Fremont homeowner Michele Perry. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," commented Yuki Zaude airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the magnanimous issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Responded another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

"What's the difference between Vilnius and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Adam Adams of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Manning supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Dullsville Thrashers, but may have lost the war as utility player Oscar Harris was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sam Matthews.

Harris tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 9 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Lamar Carrow, Harris's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

When questioned about his carefree propensity for caressing vegetables, Horace Briant, the lawyer in question, countered, "I'm glad I caressed the vegetable! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing vegetables is a crime, but attorney Frank Young has volunteered to defend the lawyer if it comes to trial.

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia manager sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A bizarre helicopter accident left three dead and one critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A new study by the esteemed New York University was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The study focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of arm control and occasional fits of piranha violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Underwriters everywhere maimed buoyantly at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the happy young local passing by did.