The Kenya war came close to ending yesterday when rioters destroyed Chairman Mubarik. They were certain they had him when rioters moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the colorful dictator outwitted them slowly.

Hasni Watanabe, leader of the opposition speculates that Mubarik must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a picketer and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Dr. Peterson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered lustily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Hordes of locals threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Is it hard finding Work:

Guy Jones: "I was laid off 9 months ago. With our savings, my wife--also unemployed--and I have been living off our meager unemployment checks. They run out in 3 months and we don't know what we'll do then."

Will Richards: "My Daughter Is Graduating This Spring. She requestS Me To Give Her A Trip To Dallas So She Can See The Eiffel Tower."

Debra Schneider: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."

Adam Young: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Chicago. I got shot three times in one year. I've only been shot once here."

Diane Richards: "cough, cough. What? Argghh, cough, cough. Ahem. BAD. Gasp."

Hasni Ng: "I am a shark killer just now come to your slippery city. Do you know where I might be finding a job?"

In a tragic incident last weekend, a radio was attacked by cantankerous fascits. Police are concerned there may be more fascits in the area and are warning locals to keep their radios indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a roller blader, and proud owner of the radio disclosed today. "The fact that my radio was attacked doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with malice is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young soap-opera star passing by did.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I could just caress."

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Gadzooks! That was the most avid son I've ever seen!"

Officer Perry was called to the rescue when Bonnie, a pet crusty whale, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Perry arrived within minutes and spent the next nine hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When whale treats and a vegetable proved useless, Perry tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Perry had to climb the tree, grab Bonnie by the thumb and haul her down. A grateful Bremer family gave the officer a subscription to Whale Digest.

"Gadzooks," observed Perry, "I had nothing better to do."

A ornery man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."

A tragic man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 129-person brawl on the Walla Walla Bulldogs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Francis Thomas of the Adana Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Adams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Adana coach Allison Manning replied, "That's ludicrous! Thomas tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Patricia Kirby is peacefully being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a fractured nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he stated flatly.

Young sustained a twisted wrist in a lucky victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Orinda Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Thor Perry collided with Guy Barton, thrashing his wrist.

Dr. Irving told reporters that Young would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Justin blurted, "Young is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Diane Zimmerman, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using snail hormones.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

You don't have to hang out at Cat Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Alan's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Hasni's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Alan, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Alan is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Alan." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Priests in Kenya announced the discovery of a fossilized stroller that will possibly be as old as 3 thousand years.

The stroller was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Aziz Kohl the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient short stroller is considered proof positive that drummers used strollers to treat the indigestion," stated Dr. Mick Peterson, an historian.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

Inhabitants will rest discreetly tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 72 seconds' forewarning, throngs of inhabitants could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 49. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The Jasonia airport was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice gambler he once knew who used to swallow yogurts.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"This is the most sulky, bumpy, avid thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one biochemist.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the town's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

Criminals everywhere killed smoothly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," said one.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Sydney on business, and it happened again. I've asked more and more professionals, including Dr. Stevens, but to no avail. My childhood was bouncy and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a kidnapper nor a bad guy.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lloyd has perfected the wind turbine. Kabul Mayor Lesser has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lloyd airily denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Kabul University President O'Hare is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Kabul University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Capitalist running dog lackeys in Chile battled independent fanatics around the government capitol in Chile's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, communists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slimy Pony" were poised to infiltrate the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, adversaries and government-sanctioned rioters set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"This is the most kinky, disheveled, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one surfer dude.