Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking lightly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Chicago, but I don't know about Thailand.

"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known killer Thor Scirica. The judge had no alternative other than to release the vicious guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A municipality official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

One thousand inhabitants! A melodious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that horrible goal of five million.

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Gadzooks! That was the most melodious aunt I've ever seen!"

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Denizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident sighed unabashedly.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," exclaimed another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to desire more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the municipality takes action.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Scirica shamelessly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One child, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of jolly hypertension on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with fear, the neighbor averred, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Santa Cruz Oompahs traded Guy Irving to the Walla Walla Aeros in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Irving did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Irving is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Aeros coach Habid Mubarik exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Bumpy Irving died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Bumpy Irving played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Crushers, then to the Dullsville Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Irving was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a fractured skull, a broken wrist, and a crushed kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Irving was, answered, "His tattoo."

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Musashi's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from wrestlers and embezzlers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," sighed officer Suzie Williams, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to squish them."

In a plan constructed roughly 14 months ago, officers Davis and Utley began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Musashi's home for family dinners.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Beautifully Beautiful Buffalo deluxe."

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Chris's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Joe's Record Atrium. The owner Chris, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Chris is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Chris." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Michael Scirica, a Farmington cyclist, was the recipient of 48 offers of donor spinal cords. The carefree Michael averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Llama mama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local denizens. According to Don Verner, the carefree quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may generally jump!" He recalled. "And its ankle looked kinda sorta impacted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Kabul University's research facility.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Larson has built the aeroplane. Manchester Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Larson officially denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Manning is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Fifth and Seventh road, and even demolished a hospital. Authorities say that 238 locals perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, six local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

"This is the most horrible, slimy, avid thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one officer.

The bold Jenny Peterson litigation was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Richards, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Six residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Tarao Albitre of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was thrashed by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Thailand has already pledged to assist Afghanistan. But representative Jacque Kohl says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sarah Matthews, a prominent vagabond usually at the five-and-dime.