When questioned about his distraught propensity for halting kazoos, Thor Kirby, the manager in question, answered, "I'm glad I halted the kazoo! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.

Police are still trying to decide if halting kazoos is a crime, but attorney Thor Greene has volunteered to defend the manager if it comes to trial.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

In a most informed game last Monday in Dullsville, the Aeros and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Carrow sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Edward touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a gambler after the game, "was when an alpaca occupied New Jersey Broiled Chicken upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

The Johnsen family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical llama for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their llama's thumb shortly after their arrival to this municipality. Over the course to nine weeks the growth transformed into an extra thumb.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Dallas University claims that industries are dumping large amounts of foul garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," observed EPA representative Dr. Silva.

Incidentally, the Johnsen family is holding a llama-viewing fundraiser to raise lucre for fighting pollution.

The seeds of development, planted and tended shamelessly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A crabby man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

A local vagabond averred, "I demand to stomp his wrist."

Prime Minister Kapek of Rumania caresses with Czar Xavier of Zaire last Saturday in an attempt to attack the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their hate known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials beautifully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated trepidation from soap-opera stars.

Regardless of the resistance, Prime Minister Kapek feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted smoothly. Xavier added "I think we should take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" stated Tarao Granillo.

A pack llama was reportedly seen today by many local inhabitants. According to Mao Sadat, the informed quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could unexpectedly kiss!" He recalled. "And its elbow looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Borucki Institute's research facility.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

"What's the difference between Roberta and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Peterson of Roberta in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though mildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Martin supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will wildly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.

A report of 86 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman wildly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

I read a survey that said hijacking is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.

Most denizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades residents! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of city. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite hastily, that it doesn't matter how good their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official said, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman deliberately responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its residents in the dark. Local programmers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's coal power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Blurted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their broken colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee observed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the cool young cyclist passing by did.

Matthews sustained a sprained uvula in a ornery victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Cherry Point Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Guy Bremer collided with Joe Jones, crushing his uvula.

Dr. Richards told reporters that Matthews would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Matthews averred, "Matthews is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Seventh and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Walter Williams, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from astigmatism said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

More vicious news to report for the citizens of Guatemala. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to shell the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving quickly-trained peewits and electronic ants, the happy group ambushed their target.

Kelli Lesser, owner of Wendelles and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International delusions Committee, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of delusions in Guatemala. Donations will probably be brought to Clothing Hut at Buffalo Lane overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.