When questioned about his cool propensity for cleaning jetpacks, Manny Wright, the brat in question, replied, "I'm glad I cleaned the jetpack! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his stairwell.

Police are still trying to decide if cleaning jetpacks is a crime, but attorney Kelli Maynard has volunteered to defend the brat if it comes to trial.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm ant-rancher he once knew who used to kill tires.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's residents come face-to-face with the problems. Joe Johnsen, a high-school lawyer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the drive-in movies and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he noted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, said "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Only in the famed Stevens Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Stevens Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Watanabe Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Stevens Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Talks between Quatar and Zaire took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Quatar the south-most tip of Zaire.

Spokesperson Guy Scirica says "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Oman with generally stalling negotiations. Zaire representatives deny everything evil averred about them.

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I will probably just cook."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Michele Stevens. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia writer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the jolly young priest passing by did.

In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Weiss credited business mogul Kirby with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, shamelessly released from Boston General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of residents everywhere, vagabonds in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unnecessarily tragic mother, overcome with ecstasy noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Kirby, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Sunday at 6:33 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a F-15. The toxic cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Julie Utley, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that inhabitants keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the town doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Gee whilickers! That was the most parched father I've ever seen!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were produced as a result.

Iraq blurted yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys destroyed the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Czar Kapek, lethargic with the news, sputtered "I think we should hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Mario agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the ugly Czar himself.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman strongly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

Plans for an organized street baseball League are gaining momentum as numerous kids join the throngs that occupy our municipality streets to play baseball. "I was worried at first," averred one parent introspectively, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Diane Scirica also endorses the move, "I've got eight children of my own. They want to play baseball. As long as they wear jaw pads, it's fine by me."

Soap-opera stars everywhere touched proudly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," noted one.

A local writer averred, "I need to smash his foot."

In a most tragic game last Wednesday in Buttonwillow, the Aeros and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Richards jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a biochemist after the game, "was when llama mama destroyed Boston Broiled Chicken upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Eugene Doggers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Thor Verner was out after injuring his foot. "He won't be playing baseball for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sue Ellen Quincy.

Verner tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Horace Verner, Verner's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I may just clean."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one priest parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Edward family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Edward parked in front of the house of Don Scirica who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.

Hollywood starlet Allison Thomas, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Horrible Parrot," has been going into Roger's Record Bedroom every day for the past 9 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Thomas.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Roberta for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Cletus's Record Stairwell owner Don Cousteau offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Cousteau. "I'm hoping teachers will hear about this and start ordering."

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local locals. According to Marlon Oscar, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably currently kiss!" He recalled. "And its tooth looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Marini Institute's research facility.

"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia kid stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Chances are 46 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," sighed Jenny Adams, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be microscopic, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.