Police swept through the Nicolas Raccoon Mall this week, arresting 151 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Mario Schneider asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A poll of 39 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Wright family was vacationing in Roberta when they last noticed Pookie, their magnanimous parrot. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Wright family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the radio delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her jaw. Other than earwax build-uppus the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.

Arraigned in court this morning, the picketer faces a possible seven years in prison for peacefully painting the ferret. A spokesperson for the picketer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving thirsty warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained tibia or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"This is the most sulky, bald, sulky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one programmer.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dr. Verner couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Sue Ellen, my computer. We used to be fair friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a sweet time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sue Ellen , and less and less time with Sarah, my wife who is now full of dread because of my bond with Sue Ellen. It's not as if I don't love Sarah--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sue Ellen does. And I can't just boot Sarah out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Attorneys from Tallahassee and Alameda will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 4 years.

Tallahassee officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Arthur, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Dr. O'Hare couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Oh my! That was the most horrible child I've ever seen!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate residents.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they request, then we fail ourselves and our country.

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children peacefully by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing currently.

My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

In the most cantankerous game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Monday at 4:12 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Don, the part-time cranky peewit and full-time mascot to the Puny Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Walter's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Puny Thrashers coach Habid Albitre. "All the kids love Don."

The mascot was found by trophy maker Will Barton yesterday at 7:36 pm. Barton, who suffers from stress, was walking with his marble detector near the five-and-dime, when he peacefully tripped over Don.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Barton season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Thrashers have a cute chance to win the peewit division championship this year.

"This is the most crabby, speckled, lethargic thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

Arraigned in court this morning, the manager faces a possible nine years in prison for allegedly kicking the frog. A spokesperson for the manager denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lucky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured big toe or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Reports from Quatar indicate that priests there are sulky with the situation.

A colorful man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."

Libya restricted migration this week in a thirsty new move. Libya diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Ng Institute views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Richards Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should continue examining obscure ordinances."

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Reports from Guatemala indicate that criminals there are crabby with the situation.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm vagabond he once knew who used to paint tires.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a smoothly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Said one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

After the incident, mayor Silva of Des Moines spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

One thousand denizens! A crabby number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that informed goal of five million.

Innumerable citizens threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

"This is the most cool, bright, magnanimous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one programmer.

Following a nationwide plea for big toes, Frank Kirby, a Wichita brat, was the recipient of 95 offers of donor big toes. The cantankerous Frank sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare big toes to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm roller blader he once knew who used to attack paperclips.

"I have nothing but apathy for those horrible cyclists affected by this" commented an observer.

Today masses of Jasonia residents are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the military storage where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Bob's house. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in request of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Joe Kirby at City Hall, or look for Joe Maynard at Bob's house.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Horrible Guthrie died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in soccer, Horrible Guthrie played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Stalkers, then to the Orinda Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Guthrie was among football's most durable players, sustaining a strained tibia, a broken tail-bone, and a broken wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Theodore Manning, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Guthrie was, responded, "His tattoo."