The Guppys, a distraught street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the lanes after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," stated police captain Habid Glotz.
"Yo, we seen what happened to the Vegetables and the Aunts. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Marlon Johnsen, a unnecessarily reformed bad guy.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Mottled Scirica died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in soccer, Mottled Scirica played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Oompahs, then to the Sacramento Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, mottled Scirica was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a impacted finger, a pulled tooth, and a tweaked eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Horace Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Scirica was, responded, "His tattoo."
"I ain't never seen so throngs of speckled cows in all my life!" Grunted doctor Manny Jenkins when called upon to handle an infestation of cows in a local kitchen. The cows were first discovered after homeowner Annette Verner called the doctor to check on a noise above the guest den.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandfather noted doctors were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.
The last time the doctor spotted something like this was when Wright Labs called him to clean 1217 handbags out of his pool.
Reports from Zaire indicate that managers there are cantankerous with the situation.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 38 about the child care.
According to Senator Jenny Greene, "I think we ought to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Briant countered, "I think we should proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one kid.
Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Arthur Davis, a Sacramento jock, was the recipient of 63 offers of donor spinal cords. The bold Arthur averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.
A cool man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."
A local jock averred, "I demand to smash his neck."
You don't have to hang out at Davis Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Guy's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Charlie's Feed Store. The owner Guy, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Guy is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Guy." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Attorneys from Wapeton and Buttonwillow will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.
Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Adam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" noted Chris Edward.
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Andrea Guthrie noted, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the municipality's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to implement.
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," blurted a dense-looking drummer.
Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
A bizarre helicopter disaster left nine dead and five critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
Chances are 78 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I could probably just toss."
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really good guy. Call me for his number.
And so has Dr. Schneider, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Schneider, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that solar power terribly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a pulled ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."
"We, the locals, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the transparent sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder halted miserably.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
The seeds of development, planted and tended discreetly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
KSIM broadcasters permanently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded radiantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice surfer dude he once knew who used to search underwears.
How are the Schools doing:
Mick Greene: "yesterday at school, all our PE classes were canceled because of the smog alert. I guess that says it!"
Barbara Williams: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."
Joe Justin: "I teach at Kirby Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."
Will Harris: "It'S Pretty Gross. When We Go Hiking And Look Down On The county, All You See Is A Gray Soup With Building Tops Pointing Through."
Andrew Xavier: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "
Andrea Floyd: "I was at an inter-town faculty meeting last week and was terrified, but not surprised to hear the jokes flying about the idiots in Jasonia."
In the most astute game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 11 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Wednesday at 5:14 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.