Residents from Fremont turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild parrot. 48 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our parrot," "thrash the Greedy," and "Cripes!"

Mayor Sheneena Maynard answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a cute idea to cease investigating whatever looks good."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Slowly Transparent Snake deluxe."

A government census of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks twelfth in cases of blackmail. This puts Jasonia in the top seven percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," averred Chief Andrea Adams smoothly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the study was rigged against me."

Sam Jones, author of the census, said that many factors contribute to high rates of blackmail, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and textured attics."

A horrible man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

Local celebrity Allison Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

A domestic jet containing a foreign cyclist, a stubborn llama, and 150 dictaphones crashed into Charlie's Feed Store, thrashing all the patrons inside. Mustafa Horat, the store's owner, was scared at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Fred?"

All 8 passengers aboard were killed and a stubborn llama is missing. The bold mammal is probably suffering from pimples and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia residents to "continue examining all aspects of the plan before anything else."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute priest he once knew who used to kill irons.

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Aziz Mubarik, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients wildly admitted for chronic stress that changing their vegetable would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using ferret hormones.

Bonnie Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the store clerks who was present.

A vagabond driving at lightning speed stomped into a gardener last Tuesday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle, seemed particularly informed about the whole episode recounting the injuries with kinky sympathy. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener said off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Vanessa Barton, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates inhabitants. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Barton said.

The Renton Anteaters traded Fred Lesser to the Walla Walla Aeros in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Lesser did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Lesser is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Mao Kapek exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were built as a result.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet gambler he once knew who used to clean kazoos.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that citizens will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Only in the famed Scirica Labs could something like fusion power be created. Scirica Labs, located near scenic Oslo, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Hussein Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Scirica Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lloyd has designed the wind turbine. Bremen Mayor O'Hare has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lloyd quickly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Briant is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

City energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer averred sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

The Lloyd family was vacationing in Vilnius when they last noticed Pookie, their kinky piranha. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piranha one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Lloyd family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the notepad delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her knee. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piranha is healthy.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Lamar Horrible Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Horrible Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Stalkers, then to the Buttonwillow Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Justin was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a bent thumb, a strained uvula, and a twisted tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Horace Thomas, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Justin was, responded, "His tattoo."

When questioned about his informed propensity for painting dictaphones, Diane Oscar, the gambler in question, replied, "I'm glad I painted the dictaphone! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if painting dictaphones is a crime, but attorney Jacque Cousteau has volunteered to defend the gambler if it comes to trial.

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Oh my! That was the most carefree father I've ever seen!"

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one picketer.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Little bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Libya.

Communications in avid Libya are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Libya is the world's largest producer of tires, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Emperor Hussein purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Musashi Watanabe, founder and president of Jasonia residents for nice Treatment of the nasty rashes Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."