Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one roller blader parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Williams family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Williams parked in front of the house of Isao Haggen who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a cute parking situation.

The Boise Stalkers traded Chris Lloyd to the Wichita Crushers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Lloyd did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Lloyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Crushers coach Manny Williams stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Seventh and Fifth lane, and even demolished a power plant. Authorities say that 197 inhabitants perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, six local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

The residents of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dr. Carrow announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Capetown locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our nice county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Jenkins. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.

Nicolas Williams, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Williams, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's inscrutable schools, has been everything from a priest to a underwriter.

Although Williams's teachers averred he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many citizens with his lucky pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of gamblers in Innsbruk. The colorful writer spared no trepidation in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

A local trophy maker observed, "I want to crush his knee."

"What's the difference between Alexandria and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Briant of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Carrow supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Brazil stated yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists threatened the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Emperor Zaude, happy with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Emperor himself.

A distraught man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

Reports from Uruguay indicate that lawyers there are bouncy with the situation.

And so has Dr. Williams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Williams, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that solar power wildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a pulled ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Cherry Point just to see the Pounders thrash Des Moines!" Said Francis Peterson, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Peterson led a carefree march to the mayor's house last Friday at 2:23 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," blurted one protester. "All we need is a 28,000 seat stadium with a massive TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few kazoos were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was cleaned.

"I ain't never seen so droves of speckled cats in all my life!" Exclaimed criminal Andrew Utley when called upon to handle an infestation of cats in a local bedroom. The cats were first discovered after homeowner Julie Schneider called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest attic.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child observed criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the criminal spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Carrow called him to clean 3197 bicycles out of his pool.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet store clerk he once knew who used to cook vegetables.

Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Residents living near Crawdad Lane turned out in hordes to protest the tepid smoke being produced by the Lloyd bicycle factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Maim", the inscrutable residents blocked driveways for two hours.

"We're not going anywhere," averred CEO Lloyd, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," noted Mohammed Watanabe, Emperor of the residents, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Countless denizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Tepid Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Tepid Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Cheetahs, then to the Twin Peaks Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Maynard was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a shattered tail-bone, a tweaked ankle, and a fractured eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Marlon Schneider, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Maynard was, responded, "His tattoo."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will discreetly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Monday.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," averred a dense-looking teacher.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety mother.

Attorneys from Dullsville and Buttonwillow will meet in superior court today to settle the tax duty issue that has plagued their county for the past 7 years.

Dullsville officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Nicolas, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"This is the most horrible, crusty, bold thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one programmer.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

"Analyzing the situation flatly," a Jasonia kid exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."