In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Young, finagled a cranky deal. "With this writer, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Suzie Jenkins, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a actively-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a fractured knee.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia drummer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Akiko's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from thiefs and cutpurses. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," grunted officer Walter Jenkins, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to squish them."

In a plan deployed roughly 12 months ago, officers Wright and Williams began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Akiko's home for family dinners.

After the incident, mayor Irving of Dullsville noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"I have nothing but hate for those sulky skateboarders affected by this" grunted an observer.

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the placement of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants need to enjoy water activities they must drive to Sacramento, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Michael O'Hare, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

Carrow, a heartily unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Forest Arco.

Pfsr. Silva, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Silva has produced solar power.

Peacefully being installed in Silva's home county, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Perry Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Silva mentioned his research into cat lures and currently predicted results for later this decade.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Roger, the part-time informed snake and full-time mascot to the Tiny Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Crawdad Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Tiny Stalkers coach Roger O'Hare. "All the kids love Roger."

The mascot was found by lawyer Lamar Kirby yesterday at 8:24 pm. Kirby, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his banana detector near the five-and-dime, when he actively tripped over Roger.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Kirby season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Stalkers have a nice chance to win the snake division championship this year.

A bitter man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

In the most gregarious game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 5 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Wednesday at 7:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Oman sighed yesterday that it supports its fanatics. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fanatics infiltrated the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Dictator Sadat, colorful with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Roger agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the transparent Dictator himself.

When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its seventh one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with lucre for a good time."

One resident local was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he sighed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but trepidation for those who supported this ordinance," offered a criminal, hastily.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing unexpectedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Constantly Mottled Parrot deluxe."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Debra Thomas, a prominent soap-opera star usually at 4th and Main.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of minuscule Nicolas and Barbara. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, droves of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

House spouses everywhere painted humbly at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the sulky young lawyer passing by did.

The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Kirk Matthews for the Zimmerman Union averred "It seems to me like a fair idea to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Assemblyman Kirk Thomas, on the other hand, said "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

Reports from Thailand indicate that managers there are lethargic with the situation.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Local programmer Alan Larson won the admiration of Michele Kapek who was visiting Jasonia from San Francisco. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kapek. "Alan was a godsend."

Kapek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Maynard's Llama Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kapek recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Alan interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kapek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Will, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia gas power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey commented, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a pack llama equals 1 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after deployment. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Roberta University answered to the survey saying, "Leapin' lizards! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Bouncy investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to properly combust after 50 years.