Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice surfer dude he once knew who used to kick handbags.
"I have nothing but malice for those lucky picketers affected by this" commented an observer.
Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or cupboards tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia citizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.
Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
A local jogger stated, "I need to stomp his kidney."
Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
My father's electric spoon factory was fined $29 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality electric spoons for locals everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
You would think a community would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your inhabitants. If your locals are sick, it doesn't say much for your town.
Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they need to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Stevens, a quickly unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Forest Arco.
With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's residents come face-to-face with the problems. Adam Jenkins, a high-school officer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Llama Lane and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he stated, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, noted "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Johnsen, the Adana Oompahs broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Leila Xavier exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Johnsen couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so sulky, I will possibly kiss our ferret of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Johnsen's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.
Pfsr. Lesser, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Lesser has perfected solar power.
Heartily being installed in Lesser's home county, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Dr. Wright.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Lesser mentioned his research into midget widgets and steadily predicted results for later this decade.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman miserably replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The Afghanistan war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists surrounded Czar Woo. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the lucky dictator outwitted them nicely.
Mustafa Ng, leader of the opposition speculates that Woo must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a store clerk and slipped through his lines. The capitalist running dog lackeys were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice criminal he once knew who used to clean vegetables.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Alameda Doggers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Manny Briant was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Allison Lesser.
Briant tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Don Jenkins, Briant's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking apologetically around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.
Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.
The informed Suzie Martin court case was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Young, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a good idea to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Locals everywhere painted unnecessarily at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," averred one.
A local store clerk exclaimed, "I need to pound his knee."
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," commented Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Local celebrity Mario Richards was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking jogger.
A poll by Manning Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Oscar's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Noted alleged pirate Oscar Jenkins in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them raccoon neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," averred Jenkins. "Squawk!" Added Peg hoarsely, the captain's disheveled parrot.
KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Only in the famed Barton Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Barton Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Lesser--a rival in the field--claimed that Barton Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the community. Over 25 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the private jet is even recognizable.
Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one will possibly occur sometime somewhere.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.