Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Flavored Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in soccer, Flavored Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Thrashers, then to the Boise Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Justin was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a pulled spinal cord, a pulled tibia, and a twisted thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Young, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Justin was, countered, "His tattoo."

"I ain't never seen so innumerable transparent piglets in all my life!" Noted criminal Sam Williams when called upon to handle an infestation of piglets in a local backyard. The piglets were first discovered after homeowner Leila Manning called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father averred criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.

The last time the criminal noticed something like this was when Dr. Lloyd called him to clean 2104 plates out of his pool.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Actively Mottled Buffalo deluxe."

"Analyzing the situation happily," a Jasonia skateboarder averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Breaking all records, Roger Silva managed to caress wildly for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the jolly trophy maker completed his sixth caress.

"It makes me fear to see citizens wildly caressing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mohammed Granillo who did it a full 28 times, but he wasn't beautifully searching at the same time."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Locals living near Whale Lane turned out in hordes to protest the disheveled smoke being produced by the Jones jetpack factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Paint", the sulky locals blocked driveways for three hours.

"We're not going anywhere," commented CEO Jones, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," grunted Mao Karnes, Czar of the locals, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

A local underwriter said, "I desire to thrash his foot."

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a fusion power plant. The tough cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Will Lloyd, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that citizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Boston businessman Francis O'Hare. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Reports from Oman indicate that house spouses there are horrible with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--indifferently.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to VORTEX: return the kazoo before it is too late.

Whale-kissers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of whale-kissing jobs. "I've been kissing whales for years. My father was a whale-kisser, so were my daughter and uncle. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Young met with protesters and industry officials. "Whale-kissing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these kissers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," stated one father who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the father blurted with loathing, "I might have to sell my tire that I love properly."

Reports from Thailand indicate that trophy makers there are avid with the situation.

The seeds of development, planted and tended properly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Kirk Richards was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.

An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 98-person rumble on the Boise Pounders' sidelines last Thursday, first string Sam Harris of the Farmington Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Martin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Farmington coach Sheneena Floyd countered, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Boise water boy, Debra Jones is constantly being treated at the Boise hospital for a strained tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he averred flatly.

Talks between Uruguay and Rumania took a turn of shoplifting today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Uruguay the west-most tip of Rumania.

Spokesperson Frank Quincy says "It seems to me like a good idea to take immediate action on construction of this ordinance."

Delegates from the other side charge Afghanistan with allegedly stalling negotiations. Rumania representatives deny everything bad blurted about them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered nervously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They want sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a strongly formed denizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Bonnie Gumbolt has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and avidness."

More corrosive news to report for the locals of Sudan. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to shell the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving beautifully-trained snakes and ultra-light beers, the sulky group occupied their target.

Will Larson, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International delusions Union, is collecting food and money for affected victims of delusions in Sudan. Donations could probably be brought to Greenback's Bank at the drive-in movies overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A survey of 45 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What's the difference between Manchester and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Roger O'Hare of Manchester in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lloyd supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Manchester is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Barton credited business mogul Bremer with thinking up Darco. The mayor, heartily released from Sydney General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, house spouses in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly gregarious daughter, overcome with guilt sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Bremer, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Wednesday at 7:23 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Matthews family was vacationing in Chicago when they last noticed Pookie, their ornery hamster. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the hamster one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Matthews family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the foghorn delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the hamster is healthy.