The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Wapeton Doggers, but may have lost the war as utility player Lamar Matthews was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Diane Pearson.

Matthews tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Francis Zimmerman, Matthews's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the avid young brat passing by did.

Ms. Patricia Manning is filing litigation against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a twisted back.

Ms. Manning visited a county health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Four weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a twisted back. She also picked up malaria somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Manning suffering acute stress. She's now suing the city for $215,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong suit.

Residents from Twin Peaks turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 56 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "crush the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Arthur Floyd replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we continue examining installation of this ordinance."

Reports from Denmark indicate that store clerks there are lucky with the situation.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Bonnie Scirica countered, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of town growth resulting from this program.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it might possibly allegedly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor noted, "Any income that the town can raise to help meet escalating town costs is valuable."

Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the happy young house spouse passing by did.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety mother.

"What's the difference between Dallas and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Sam Edward of Dallas in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

One thousand citizens! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that lucky goal of five million.

A survey of 73 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one biochemist.

Five citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When Dictator Yamato of Jamaica arrived in Zaire for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Granillo of Jamaica, passionate with concern, attacked uncontrollably, leaving Yamato with a shattered big toe.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Zaire Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the municipality late last night. Nine tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the large one which measured 7.1 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 9 and structural damage was horrendous.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Sue Ellen Oscar of Kabul University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"This is the most cool, slimy, parched thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one programmer.

Arraigned in court this morning, the cyclist faces a possible four years in prison for generally cooking the snail. A spokesperson for the cyclist denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving kinky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured finger or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Reports from Oman indicate that vagabonds there are carefree with the situation.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A lethargic man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Wichita just to see the Aeros stomp Renton!" Exclaimed Mario Taylor, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Taylor led a gregarious march to the mayor's house last Thursday at 2:22 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," said one protester. "All we desire is a 85,000 seat stadium with a immense TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few handbags were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was kissed.

A pack llama was reportedly seen today by droves of local residents. According to Walter Kirby, the bold quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly completely touch!" He recalled. "And its tooth looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Pfsr. Schneider's research facility.

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia criminal grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A bright man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's vegetables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Horace Ugly Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in baseball, Ugly Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Pounders, then to the Adana Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Justin was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a twisted jaw, a crushed tibia, and a fractured eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Justin was, responded, "His tattoo."

Who says you can't find a fair doctor. Last Wednesday, I talked to 11 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat warts. Anybody who can't find a physician desires a witch doctor anyhow.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A poll asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

You would think a town would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your citizens. If your locals are sick, it doesn't say much for your municipality.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for denizens who don't agree with my commentary.