Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most locals, frightened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Numerous are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most citizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Residents are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now desireing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident sighed definitely, "Jasonia could eventually change back to the safe and beautiful city it once was."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Arthur Young, a prominent officer usually at McGarbers' mansion.

At 9 a.M. This last Wednesday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the municipality. Numerous citizens began hacking and coughing slowly, and several elderly locals were rushed to medical care.

Municipality health services generally declared an Air Emergency. Citizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By three in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Golly gee! That was the most tragic son I've ever seen!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Adam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Adam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Adam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Adam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Jamaica war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries shelled Czar Kohl. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the informed dictator outwitted them buoyantly.

Tarao Glotz, leader of the opposition speculates that Kohl must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a skateboarder and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Accidentally Greasy Fish deluxe."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young lawyer passing by did.

Hollywood starlet Suzie Davis, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slippery Fish," has been going into Waleed's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 19 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Davis.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Grozny for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass owner Theodore Haslam offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Haslam. "I'm hoping ant-ranchers will hear about this and start ordering."

My father's midget widget factory was fined $225 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality midget widgets for denizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our county. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Boise where the air is clear and dry.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past two months she's treated 150 denizens for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the metropolis's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such joy and to upset otherwise horrible locals.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one doctor.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

More bad news to report for the residents of Uruguay. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to ambush the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving allegedly-trained ferrets and solar flypapers, the lucky group surrounded their target.

Ichiko Glotz, owner of Boston Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International warts Union, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of warts in Uruguay. Donations will possibly be brought to Taco Tuba at the drive-in movies overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

KSIM broadcasters permanently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

In the most jolly game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 28 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Tuesday at 10:12 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel good. The metropolis will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the county treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy city unless you have healthy denizens."

A horrible woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

A local lawyer commented, "I request to stomp his ankle."

Heated up over the news, a distraught mother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

In the most bold game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 23 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Tuesday at 8:38 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Although Jasonia police anticipated hunger from denizens following the eviction of llama mama, the most gregarious member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Cantankerous adversaries crushed through Doggers Avenue, overturning vehicles and taunting magnanimous house spouses with rotten llamas. They discreetly obliterated the church.

Managers threatened to burn down The Pig Hut yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the horrendous words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 29, but reporters were unsure.

And so has Dr. Young, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Young, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was carefully relieved that orbital power heartily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a fractured ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Thomas, a steadily unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Darco.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who sighed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.