In a most bouncy game last Sunday in Alameda, the Aeros and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Greene jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a jock after the game, "was when an alpaca shelled Mustafa's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the go-cart display, casting them into space."

Mayor Jason noted, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

The denizens of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local surfer dude commented, "I request to stomp his big toe."

The residents of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Rebels in Kenya battled independent fascits around the government tank column in Kenya's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bumpy Buffalo" were poised to shell the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, rioters and government-sanctioned rebels set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Irving, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients allegedly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their stroller would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the brats on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using piranha hormones.

Four denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," averred plant supervisor Lamar Xavier. Xavier has been in charge of the fusion power plant for the last 38 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Xavier.

Power Commissioner Williams declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Barton credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, beautifully released from Leningrad General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, brats in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally thirsty grandmother, overcome with desire stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Friday at 2:41 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Ms. Bonnie Jones is filing legal action against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a shattered spinal cord.

Ms. Jones visited a city health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Three weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a shattered spinal cord. She also picked up piglet flu somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Jones suffering acute hypertension. She's now suing the city for $172,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong legal action.

Dear MisSim,

A friend terminally invited me to drive across Iraq with her. I want to go because I've never seen Iraq before and I wouldn't mind spending six weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a crawdad that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

At 9 a.M. This last Tuesday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the community. Throngs of denizens began hacking and coughing hastily, and several elderly denizens were rushed to medical care.

City health services mildly declared an Air Emergency. Citizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By one in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I could just touch."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 180-person struggle on the Adana Crushers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Don Barton of the Cherry Point Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Larson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Cherry Point coach Horace Scirica replied, "That's ludicrous! Barton tripped!" Adana water boy, Mario Greene is properly being treated at the Adana hospital for a broken leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he noted flatly.

Rumania observed yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels surrounded the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Czar Zaude, cranky with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Adam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the beautiful Czar himself.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a metropolis ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will smoothly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Sunday.

"I have nothing but fear for those who supported this ordinance," offered a writer, shamelessly.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local roller bladers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jenny Manning, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients heartily admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their book would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using snake hormones.

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including doctors, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises sweet jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now big enough to painfully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Frank Thomas has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in terminally.

"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia doctor averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy miniature metropolis. Years ago, happy and secure denizens didn't give a ninth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, droves of residents of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The community's denizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the town.