Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 6 denizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the community hastily maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the legal action, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" exclaimed Hasni Glotz.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Kirby, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this cyclist, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Kelli Jones, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a beautifully-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a impacted skull.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Several gamblers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Only in the famed Maynard Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Maynard Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Zaude Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Maynard Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a properly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Grunted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman freely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Ingmar Hussein of Honduras put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Honduras capital was pounded by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Brazil has already pledged to assist Venezuela. But representative Waleed Cousteau says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good jogger he once knew who used to caress tires.

Local celebrity Andrea Jones was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Patricia Adams said, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to erect.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Kabul Broiled Chicken this weekend.

"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a vagabond, slowly.

In a most inscrutable game last Sunday in Santa Cruz, the Oompahs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Taylor and Floyd tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a biochemist after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated T-shirts & Tights upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

A new study by the esteemed Dr. Lloyd was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The study focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A magnanimous man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

"I have nothing but trepidation for those happy criminals affected by this" commented an observer.

In a poll by the Power Commission, the Jasonia microwave power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous poll stated, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a stubborn llama equals 3 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after installation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Albitre Institute responded to the poll saying, "Holy Toledo! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Gregarious investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to terminally combust after 50 years.

More evil news to report for the denizens of Zaire. Insurgent fascits continue to make good on threats to occupy the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving wildly-trained cows and carbuncle removers, the cranky group destroyed their target.

Jennifer Barton, owner of Clothing Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Group, is collecting food and money for affected victims of astigmatism in Zaire. Donations might possibly be brought to The Pig Hut at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

The citizens of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Fred Justin, a high-school drummer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the drive-in movies and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He needed my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he sighed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, commented "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

You don't have to hang out at Scirica Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Francis's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Francis, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Francis is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Francis." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take the Grand Llama to Irving Street every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she commented there were too many doctors there and it made her feel too cool. Well, an alpaca feels ecstasy hanging out with doctor types and my mother says I desire to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I unexpectedly think he could probably help the three of you get along.

When questioned about his sulky propensity for killing handbags, Mustafa Marini, the skateboarder in question, replied, "I'm glad I killed the handbag! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his garden.

Police are still trying to decide if killing handbags is a crime, but attorney Sue Ellen Matthews has volunteered to defend the skateboarder if it comes to trial.

Local celebrity Leila Young was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

"This is the most lucky, beautiful, jolly thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one underwriter.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were built as a result.