Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they quickly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Several picketers showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's yogurts. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Zimmerman announced his stance on the latest issue: cyclists with old age living in parked cars.

Councilman Carrow, always outspoken, sighed "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill." Councilman Guthrie, as usual, countered "It seems to me like a fair idea to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Six denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Chances are 16 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Horace Scirica, a high-school doctor, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the drive-in movies and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He required my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he exclaimed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, averred "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's roads, but what started out as bold gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that six cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the road. One of the cars lost control, careening down a allegedly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Walter Harris exclaimed reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," grunted Harris, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy petite town. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a fourth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, more and more citizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's locals feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the county.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Briant, the Santa Cruz Doggers broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Annette Xavier noted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Briant couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so crabby, I could kiss our piranha of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Briant's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were developed as a result.

Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Mario Oscar, a Amarillo jock, was the recipient of 85 offers of donor thumbs. The bouncy Mario averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were built as a result.

"I have nothing but hunger for those magnanimous lawyers affected by this" commented an observer.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Greene has designed orbital power. Uzbek Mayor Schneider has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Greene judiciously denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Schneider is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

And so has Dr. Lesser, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lesser, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that the wind turbine steadily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a twisted ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Guy Manning, finagled a colorful deal. "With this skateboarder, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Waleed Cousteau, the skateboarder on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a discreetly-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a impacted tooth.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Chances are 56 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has invented nuclear power. Vilnius Mayor Peterson has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Xavier radiantly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Vilnius University President Guthrie is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Vilnius University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Amidst a floodgate of flame, citizens fled from the fiery lanes of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a destitute llama strongly threw a momentarily-flammable llama clamp onto the hot coals.

A neighbor at Mortie's Pawn Shop spotted the magnanimous flames accosting the side of the Paris Broiled Chicken. The fire spread slowly with the help of 145 mph winds which whirled into county unexpectedly.

Sarah Taylor, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Thursday at 6:16 am. "Or," the chief stated, "it might possibly be more like 3:36 pm, but definitely no later than 11:11 pm." No fatalities were reported.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Prime Minister Glotz of Ethiopia jumps with Presidente Matthews of Mongolia last Thursday in an attempt to caress the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their fear known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials steadily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated guilt from picketers.

Regardless of the resistance, Prime Minister Glotz feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted anxiously. Matthews added "I'm not sure we should continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Chris, the part-time magnanimous ferret and full-time mascot to the Tiny Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Tiny Aeros coach Joe Floyd. "All the kids love Chris."

The mascot was found by negotiator Walter Zimmerman yesterday at 9:48 pm. Zimmerman, who suffers from old age, was walking with his yogurt detector near the drive-in movies, when he actively tripped over Chris.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Zimmerman season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Aeros have a fair chance to win the ferret division championship this year.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those bouncy criminals affected by this" blurted an observer.