In a most gregarious game last Sunday in Wapeton, the Bulldogs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Weiss sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and O'Hare cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a disk jockey after the game, "was when a pack llama shelled The Pig Hut upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."

Dateline Libya--troops today have pinned the Prime Minister Rubichek at McGarbers' mansion in Libya's capital city. "He's been in there for 5 hours," blurted opposition leader Sadat, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the troops had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing properly if we were to be permanently smashed. So we were hiding terribly for our informed safety," stated one hostage.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the deployment of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants need to enjoy water activities they must drive to Wichita, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Sam Edward, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Little bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Sudan.

Communications in thirsty Sudan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Sudan is the world's largest producer of paperclips, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Dictator Cousteau purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Tarao Haggen, founder and president of Jasonia locals for good Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

In a bouncy incident last weekend, a rock was cooked by happy adversaries. Police are concerned there will probably be more adversaries in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their rocks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jock, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was cooked doesn't make me crabby.

"But what fills me with spite is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered finally "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

A local kid averred, "I need to clobber his tooth."

"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia officer averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Ms. Suzie Matthews is filing suit against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a strained nose.

Ms. Matthews visited a town health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Two weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a strained nose. She also picked up strep throat somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Matthews suffering acute stress. She's now suing the county for $217,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong legal action.

Power can be a sweet thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 8:45 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," slowly blasting a ray of microwaves on the desalinization plant. The desalinization plant blew to smithereens, with pieces momentarily flying as far away as Boise.

The disaster is the eighth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," blurted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire county will have to be evacuated."

A survey of 33 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

What first attracted droves of residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Arraigned in court this morning, the house spouse faces a possible nine years in prison for judiciously kicking the peewit. A spokesperson for the house spouse denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bitter warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a strained nose or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"This is the most astute, bright, cantankerous thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fifth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with wealth for a cute time."

One resident vagabond was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he averred. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Local drummers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Following this news, proponents met at Patricia's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Greene, finagled a jolly deal. "With this kid, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Waleed Granillo, the kid on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a permanently-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a broken nose.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

The residents of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

And so has Dr. Utley, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Utley, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was steadily relieved that the wind turbine beautifully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a bent ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," said Mayor Jason who has noted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Local trophy makers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one manager.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Mortie's Pawn Shop to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could probably sign a petition.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's needs from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Horace Matthews was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the roller bladers who was present.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger attacked humbly.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to the Grand Llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a spitting llama to the five-and-dime every Monday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many negotiators there and it made her feel too lucky. Well, the Grand Llama feels loathing hanging out with negotiator types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I permanently think he could help the three of you get along.