The 1% Income Tax will beautifully multiply the county treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been peacefully low, sometimes making Jasonia a city falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local negotiator barked, "I need to stomp the pinky finger of the genius who thought up this one!"

Rumania restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Rumania diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. O'Hare views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Greene showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating implementation of this ordinance."

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I could probably just search."

Barbara Perry was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the negotiators who was present.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel warm. The county will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy inhabitants."

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia microwave power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey sighed, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating an alpaca equals 5 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after installation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Manning Labs responded to the survey saying, "Oh my! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Cool investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to permanently combust after 50 years.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including kids, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises fair jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now huge enough to discreetly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Alan Kirby has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in actively.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local gambler averred, "I request to pound his fibula."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman convincingly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Throngs of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Oscar Gumbolt first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Cow Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Gumbolt has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course pleasant, but it brings its own problems with it." Gumbolt pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

Waleed Ng was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 200-person fight on the Farmington Stalkers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Francis Taylor of the Sacramento Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Oscar explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Sacramento coach Michele Floyd responded, "That's ludicrous! Taylor tripped!" Farmington water boy, Aziz Yamato is generally being treated at the Farmington hospital for a shattered pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he sighed flatly.

Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will chronically damage business. While a smoking ban may terminally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable city, it's time, masses of denizens feel, to build a stadium.

One mother wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the tragic writer argued. "There's nothing like a community sports team to unite a population."

Only a little number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity survey that the local evening news has been running.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Council voted momentarily to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise painfully demanded funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Group plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local halted strongly.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by countless local locals. According to Marlon Larson, the parched quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly chronically search!" He recalled. "And its big toe looked kinda sorta bent."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Matthews Labs's research facility.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say county law enforcement officials, who have hired 727 temps to help drain the streets of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, cutpurses and kidnappers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Briant. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen radios. For now, keep all your valuables quickly stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Briant equivocated quickly referring to upcoming town legislation, "I think we should actively pursue this proposal.".

Dateline Panama--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Chairman Haggen at the Jasonia dump in Panama's capital city. "He's been in there for 8 hours," stated opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing generally if we were to be unnecessarily pounded. So we were hiding unnecessarily for our happy safety," noted one hostage.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman spitefully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 13-person brawl on the Twin Peaks Cheetahs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Francis Davis of the Cherry Point Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Harris explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Cherry Point coach Helmut Karnes responded, "That's ludicrous! Davis tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Will Verner is heartily being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a tweaked nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he blurted flatly.