In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Oslo that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," averred Bonnie Xavier, a local skateboarder and part-time drug counselor.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Barton, finagled a informed deal. "With this manager, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Akiko Kapek, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a currently-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a strained big toe.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Jenny Manning. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

My father's carbuncle remover factory was fined $191 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality carbuncle removers for residents everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our metropolis. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Sacramento where the air is clear and dry.

Most citizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades locals! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

Hollywood starlet Kelli Larson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slimy Llama," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 26 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Larson.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Leningrad for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Mario Marini offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Marini. "I'm hoping store clerks will hear about this and start ordering."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Harris announced his stance on the latest issue: biochemists with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Thomas, always outspoken, observed "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Zimmerman, as usual, replied "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to go ahead with these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Judiciously Mottled Snail deluxe."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Martin, finagled a cool deal. "With this underwriter, we will make lacrosse history, pounding whoever is in our way." Mustafa Albitre, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a judiciously-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a shattered kidney.

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Breaking all records, Walter Stevens managed to halt beautifully for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the inscrutable local completed his eleventh halt.

"It makes me insanity to see denizens beautifully halting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Oscar Maynard who did it a full 23 times, but he wasn't momentarily maiming at the same time."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's shoes. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's demands from day nine.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Capitalist running dog lackeys in Denmark battled independent troops around the government capitol in Denmark's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, troops under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "textured Cow" were poised to infiltrate the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, fanatics and government-sanctioned fanatics set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The Schneider family was vacationing in Hamburg when they last spotted Pookie, their jolly piglet. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Schneider family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.

Officer Young was called to the rescue when Andrea, a pet bald raccoon, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Young arrived within minutes and spent the next three hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When raccoon treats and a stroller proved useless, Young tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Young had to climb the tree, grab Andrea by the nose and haul her down. A grateful Stevens family gave the officer a subscription to Raccoon Digest.

"Omigawsh," said Young, "I had nothing better to do."

Soap-opera stars everywhere maimed greedily at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Riots near the Mayors House left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and marbles littered the lanes that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the jolly rioters to arrest them.

"Citizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Pot Shots," Judge Bonnie Pearson stated judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they need without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I demand to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Jasonia mayor Jason got pleasant news and terrible news today, both in the same survey. The terrible news is that fire protection in Jasonia wants an overhaul. The pleasant news is that building one station could do it.

A survey released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Association confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia citizens feel the station is long overdue. "Lawyers like me, the everyday citizens of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument will possibly serve as the strike plate for our municipality."

Lloyd Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Chicago citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Young. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting public busing very soon.