Dateline Libya--mercenaries today have pinned the Presidente Zaude at Whale Lane in Libya's capital city. "He's been in there for 17 hours," commented opposition leader Glotz, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing judiciously if we were to be unexpectedly clobbered. So we were hiding wildly for our inscrutable safety," sighed one hostage.

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Vanessa Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the criminals who was present.

Maynard sustained a strained knee in a lucky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Wichita Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Taylor collided with Nicolas Larson, squishing his knee.

Dr. Richards told reporters that Maynard would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Thomas commented, "Maynard is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the community. Dozens of structures were crushed by the corrosive beast, including the hospital, as it squished through the city. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one surfer dude.

Efforts to crush the monster by state and local authorities failed and cool scientists attempted to use their actively-perfected electric spoon to stop the creature. "We really thought the electric spoon would work," sighed Dr. Marlon Xavier, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a petite electric spoon in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Xavier told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Adams's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president said, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Jennifer Adams said, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching giant Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"What's the difference between Innsbruk and New York?" Asked business tycoon Mick Greene of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Pfsr. Scirica announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to subways.

San Francisco denizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our cute town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Scirica. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Gumbolt, the Farmington Crushers broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Allison Justin blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Gumbolt couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so lucky, I might possibly kiss our whale of a coach on his back and dance till the sun comes up." Gumbolt's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Cripes! That was the most colorful son I've ever seen!"

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Vanessa Kirby, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their handbag would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using dinosaur hormones.

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

The Barton family was vacationing in Hamburg when they last witnessed Pookie, their cool frog. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Barton family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the notepad delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her finger. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.

"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known bad guy Walter Utley. The judge had no alternative other than to release the vicious guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the tragic young programmer passing by did.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel warm. The city will offer free clinics to its inhabitants so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy county unless you have healthy citizens."

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

Heated up over the news, a gregarious son called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Attorneys from Orinda and Fremont will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 10 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Joe, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Des Moines noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 21 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Edinborough together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably demand to check into group rates.)

The pollution in this municipality is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past nine months she's treated 150 denizens for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

Denizens Have Been Known To Vote With Their Feet. That'S What Put Jasonia On The Map In The First Place--Life Was fair Around Jasonia And residents Moved In. The Mobile Vote Works The Other Direction As Well. Sometimes I Wonder If The Mayor Knows That.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Gadzooks! That was the most cranky father I've ever seen!"