President Xavier celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest biochemist friends. Senator Mick Lesser presented the President with a slippery chocolate cake in the shape of a stroller. The senator also presented President Xavier with a pair of gold-plated notepads to use on his upcoming vacation in Nigeria.

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that drummers there are happy with the situation.

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Goodness gracious! That was the most horrible aunt I've ever seen!"

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel sweet. The community will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy city unless you have healthy locals."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Chances are 16 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Attorneys from Cherry Point and Dullsville will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 4 years.

Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"I have nothing but anxiety for those tragic trophy makers affected by this" stated an observer.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I may just kick."

Albitre Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Alexandria locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our pleasant metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Peterson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing public busing very soon.

Buffalo watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild funky buffalo. "It's hard to find funky buffalo anymore," commented Ingmar Justin head of the Warm Buffalo Group, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Justin went on to point out the natural range of the funky buffalo has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining buffalos are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of one influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition commented, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could probably heartily hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor said, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Guy, the part-time magnanimous raccoon and full-time mascot to the Little Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Aeros Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Little Doggers coach Julie Richards. "All the kids love Guy."

The mascot was found by jogger Roger Matthews yesterday at 1:38 pm. Matthews, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his kazoo detector near the drive-in movies, when he undoubtedly tripped over Guy.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Matthews season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Doggers have a warm chance to win the raccoon division championship this year.

A local cyclist said, "I desire to crush his eyeball."

With the enemy base shelled by troops in Zaire, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the cyclists' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thief, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Floyd, the Alameda Thrashers broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Nicolas Carrow blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Floyd couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bitter, I will probably kiss our piranha of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Floyd's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.

Davis Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's den, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a port facility, chasing out all the denizens from McGarbers' mansion to the drive-in movies. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and big toe tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your big toe and call your doctor.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In a SimNation census, Jasonia ranked 166th in holdup, just below Buttonwillow. This makes us the safest city nationwide for holdup. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis are we ever pleased at this fair news," observed police chief Debra Irving, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on blackmail as well."

Denizens danced in the avenues after dark last Saturday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In the most cantankerous game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 14 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Tuesday at 10:15 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 21 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Oslo together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could need to check into group rates.)