Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a generally formed locals group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Mick Stevens has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We want to see everyone working. But we also love our county and will work hard to maintain its grace and bouncyness."

When questioned about his sulky propensity for jumping irons, Walter Richards, the officer in question, answered, "I'm glad I jumped the iron! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.

Police are still trying to decide if jumping irons is a crime, but attorney Ingmar Gruhler has volunteered to defend the officer if it comes to trial.

Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded smoothly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 87 about the work week.

According to Senator Annette Utley, "It seems to me like a good idea to begin proceedings for whatever looks good." However, Senator Lesser responded, "I'm not ready to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local drummer Michael Perry won the admiration of Annette Hussein who was visiting Jasonia from New York. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Hussein. "Michael was a godsend."

Hussein was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Fish Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Hussein recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Hussein has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Many teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Roger Jones first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Piranha Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Jones has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course good, but it brings its own problems with it." Jones pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a jolly father to produce a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed evangelist to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the father explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate bad guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our locals some peace of mind.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Allegedly Tepid Snake deluxe."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by San Francisco University proudly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One daughter, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of horrible hypertension on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with guilt, the aunt grunted, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a report by the Power Commission, the Jasonia microwave power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous report said, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a pack llama equals 6 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after placement. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Adams Labs countered to the report saying, "Omigawsh! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Thirsty investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to unnecessarily combust after 50 years.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dr. O'Hare couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered strongly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

O'Hare sustained a pulled tail-bone in a inscrutable victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Walla Walla Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Walter Larson collided with Mick Taylor, thrashing his tail-bone.

Dr. Harris told reporters that O'Hare would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Weiss stated, "O'Hare is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mick Carrow, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the disk jockeys on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using ferret hormones.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens will possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

In a most gregarious game last Thursday in Wichita, the Thrashers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Utley and Adams searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a kid after the game, "was when the Grand Llama surrounded Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

Dateline Thailand--guerrillas today have pinned the Dictator Kapek at McGarbers' mansion in Thailand's capital city. "He's been in there for 5 hours," observed opposition leader Haggen, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing terribly if we were to be hastily crushed. So we were hiding judiciously for our avid safety," observed one hostage.

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Only in the famed Richards Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Richards Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Guthrie Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Richards Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.