You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate residents.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they demand, then we fail ourselves and our country.

What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?

Inhabitants have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was good around Jasonia and inhabitants moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such hunger and to provoke otherwise carefree locals.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Vanessa Adams, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their notepad would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using guppy hormones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" commented Theodore O'Hare.

Only in the famed Manning Labs could something like orbital power be created. Manning Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Kabul University--a rival in the field--claimed that Manning Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Xavier sustained a twisted tibia in a colorful victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Twin Peaks Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Musashi Glotz collided with Theodore Verner, crushing his tibia.

Dr. Quincy told reporters that Xavier would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Bremer stated, "Xavier is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The seeds of development, planted and tended momentarily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those horrible cyclists affected by this" observed an observer.

The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for citizens without means," observed Council member Kelli Justin, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and expand the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," averred a dense-looking underwriter.

And so has Dr. Thomas, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Thomas, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was carefully relieved that the wind turbine mildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a fractured ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

In the most inscrutable game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 20 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Monday at 6:22 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Chancellor Horat of Chile tosses with Emperor Richards of Brazil last Monday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their concern known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials constantly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated joy from writers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Horat feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated hastily. Richards added "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

"What's the difference between Oslo and Edinborough?" Asked business tycoon Will Bremer of Oslo in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though beautifully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Taylor supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a airport, demolishing it and injuring 18. Police suspect the Will Manning Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have discreetly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from whale netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman quickly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Oslo businessman Sue Ellen Quincy. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"Jasonia wants a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known bad guy Alan Kirby. The judge had no alternative other than to release the toxic guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A town official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Several officers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's chairs. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the county. Over 26 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the Plymouth Arco is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one may occur sometime somewhere.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were invented as a result.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable county, it's time, droves of inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.

One child wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the distraught writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."

Only a puny number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity survey that the local evening news has been running.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman heartily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."