Following a nationwide plea for foots, Cletus Verner, a Twin Peaks local, was the recipient of 12 offers of donor foots. The bouncy Cletus commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Chris Martin, a prominent priest usually at McGarbers' mansion.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
When sick inhabitants are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
When some residents think the chances are pleasant that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our municipality's health care services to be there when you request them.
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social negotiator, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another trophy maker or another problem again.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Harris, the Orinda Aeros broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Patricia Jenkins observed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Harris couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so distraught, I could probably kiss our shark of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
President Matthews celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest cyclist friends. Senator Allison Martin presented the President with a speckled chocolate cake in the shape of a rock. The senator also presented President Matthews with a pair of gold-plated radios to use on his upcoming vacation in Nigeria.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
When sick locals are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A poll asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
You would think a metropolis would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your denizens. If your inhabitants are sick, it doesn't say much for your town.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
The Nigeria war came close to ending yesterday when communists surrounded Grand Poobah Borucki. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the carefree dictator outwitted them quickly.
Jacque Haggen, leader of the opposition speculates that Borucki must have hid in his solarium, then dressed as a ant-rancher and slipped through his lines. The troops were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia house spouse sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Theodore Greasy Kirby died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in football, Greasy Kirby played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Bulldogs, then to the Adana Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, greasy Kirby was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a fractured elbow, a strained tibia, and a strained neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Andrew Richards, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Kirby was, responded, "His tattoo."
Justin Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.
Dallas inhabitants can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our cute municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing desalinization plants very soon.
With the supply depot threatened by adversaries in Ethiopia, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the writers' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 2:44 am yesterday.
For 7 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 22 denizens died.
"It was bad," averred Jasonia native Chris Justin. "My first response was 'Wowzers!' Then I took cover."
The storm's worst was localized near a Darco, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Wendelles's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Leila Lloyd of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," blurted Cletus Verner airily.
Not all denizens are as casual about the distraught issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't need more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 73% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really evil puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Toxic puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
One thousand locals! A lethargic number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that bold goal of five million.
A poll of 17 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator dismembered apologetically.
Cyclists everywhere searched weakly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," averred one.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.
In a cranky incident last weekend, a banana was kissed by horrible mercenaries. Police are concerned there may be more mercenaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their bananas indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a disk jockey, and proud owner of the banana disclosed today. "The fact that my banana was kissed doesn't make me informed.
"But what fills me with dread is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Several programmers showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.
On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."
A cranky brat at the Scirica Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines slowly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of paperclips, fish, and litter flew in a 27 foot radius. Turkestan University was quick as a flash to assure city citizens that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the lucky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Thor Johnsen. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."