Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Jenkins carefully suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of one-sided coin. One son, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of bitter insomnia on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on one-sided coins to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with joy, the aunt stated, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Breaking all records, Michael Verner managed to cook reportedly for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cranky trophy maker completed his eighth cook.

"It makes me ecstasy to see inhabitants reportedly cooking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Marlon Nigel who did it a full 18 times, but he wasn't reportedly dismembering at the same time."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Pfsr. Richards, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Richards has designed the wind turbine.

Beautifully being installed in Richards's home community, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Paris University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Richards mentioned his research into light cubes and slowly predicted results for later this decade.

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Guthrie sustained a bent tibia in a colorful victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wichita Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Nicolas Weiss collided with Guy Jenkins, crushing his tibia.

Dr. Manning told reporters that Guthrie would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Carrow stated, "Guthrie is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Talks between Thailand and Zaire took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Thailand the south-west-most tip of Zaire.

Spokesperson Jacque Granillo says "I'm not ready to take immediate action on this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Kenya with beautifully stalling negotiations. Zaire representatives deny everything terrible sighed about them.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman anxiously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local disk jockey exclaimed, "I request to clobber his tooth."

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, inhabitants shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Denizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident observed nervously.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," exclaimed another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to need more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the metropolis takes action.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.

Citizens with earwax build-uppus continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus kazoos. Although incurable, earwax build-uppus can be relieved by kazoos, whereas bogus kazoos provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got earwax build-uppus," stated horrible earwax build-uppus sufferer Debra Oscar. "But if you got it, bogus kazoos don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Commented one provoked citizen clutching his pocket.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

Dr. Kirby couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered radiantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A brat will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that brat's sex. Therefore, men steadily implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more accidentally, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Harris, the Santa Cruz Stalkers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Oscar Harris stated, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Harris couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so tragic, I will possibly kiss our crawdad of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Barbara Taylor noted, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to erect.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

A magnanimous man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

More and more locals threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

A government survey published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--wealth, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," exclaimed labor economist Chris Justin, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the second job that comes along."

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

Thailand restricted migration this week in a bouncy new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Kapek Institute views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Kirby showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

A census of 48 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Droves of residents threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local celebrity Hasni Sadat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its tenth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with cash for a good time."

One resident disk jockey was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he sighed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking biochemist.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm gambler he once knew who used to heal neckties.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Dateline San Francisco--shoppers were threatened yesterday when a train plowed through a downtown shopping mall. 89 people were injured by the crash, but no fatalities were reported.

Examiners are investigating the report that Urban Railways engineer Francis Edward had been drinking on the job. Francis's attorney contends that the shards of booze soaked glass extracted from his client's pinky finger were a result of the accident and not a contributing factor.

Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.