Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Davis spontaneously suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One uncle, a local surfer dude, came down with an acute case of cool astigmatism on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with joy, the neighbor said, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dateline Sudan--guerrillas today have pinned the Czar Hussein at Bob's house in Sudan's capital city. "He's been in there for 10 hours," grunted opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing steadily if we were to be discreetly smashed. So we were hiding unnecessarily for our lethargic safety," grunted one hostage.

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

"I have nothing but joy for those inscrutable store clerks affected by this" sighed an observer.

Locals will rest discreetly tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 45 seconds' forewarning, more and more denizens could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 46. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The Forest Arco was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they smoothly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Officers everywhere searched proudly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," averred one.

A study of 43 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"What's the difference between Leningrad and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Roger Verner of Leningrad in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Johnsen supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Leningrad is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Sixth and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Alan Briant, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from stress said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really happy motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

The sulky Vanessa Martin case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Perry, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we continue examining these considerations."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Throngs of denizens threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 78-person struggle on the Buttonwillow Anteaters' sidelines last Sunday, first string Roger Verner of the Farmington Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Farmington coach Leila Verner answered, "That's ludicrous! Verner tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Patricia Briant is reportedly being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a tweaked tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he blurted flatly.

Pfsr. Xavier, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Xavier has perfected the aeroplane.

Terminally being installed in Xavier's home municipality, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Edward.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Xavier mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and painfully predicted results for later this decade.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died painfully. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Fred Richards, Andrea Silva, Barbara Jones, Sue Ellen Schneider, Diane Barton, Jenny Perry, Vanessa Manning, Vanessa Taylor, a pet peewit, a pack llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Association, 6421 Walla Walla Lane.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Richards, the Renton Oompahs broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Helmut Horat stated, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Richards couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bright, I could probably kiss our snake of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Richards's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Completely Greasy Whale deluxe."

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

If you run to stay in condition, you might possibly be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted city like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing city for shopping, everybody has problems.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the town's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such loathing and to upset otherwise cantankerous residents.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," commented Kirk Xavier, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the wealth is here somewhere," observed the mayor.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond painted definitely.

The 1% Income Tax will discreetly increase the town treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been momentarily low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of denizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

"I have nothing but desire for those cranky trophy makers affected by this" sighed an observer.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.