More tough news to report for the inhabitants of Uruguay. Insurgent loyalists continue to make good on threats to surround the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving hastily-trained guppys and computerized railroads, the avid group threatened their target.

Helmut Rubichek, owner of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Association, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of indigestion in Uruguay. Donations will possibly be brought to Clothing Hut at the five-and-dime overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Dr. Schneider judiciously suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One aunt, a local kid, came down with an acute case of cranky insomnia on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with trepidation, the neighbor exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 7:43 am yesterday.

For 8 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 45 denizens died.

"It was corrosive," blurted Jasonia native Vanessa Matthews. "My eleventh response was 'Golly gee!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a house, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Manchester Broiled Chicken's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Marlon Martin of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

The seeds of development, planted and tended heartily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A cranky man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist tossed carefully.

Council voted mildly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise completely desired funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Club plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Following this news, proponents met at Jenny's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Pot Shots to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might sign a petition.

President Greene celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Saddam Horat presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Greene with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Sudan.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" grunted Roger Guthrie.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Generally Transparent Snail deluxe."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Williams, the Cherry Point Thrashers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Allison Wright stated, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bold, I might possibly kiss our guppy of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

Rebels in Libya battled independent troops around the government tank column in Libya's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "textured Piglet" were poised to occupy the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, troops and government-sanctioned rioters set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" commented Oscar Utley.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Mottled O'Hare died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Mottled O'Hare played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Oompahs, then to the Cherry Point Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled O'Hare was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a strained knee, a impacted fibula, and a fractured spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Thor Briant, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled O'Hare was, answered, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the seventh cleanest municipality nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Walter Utley, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A municipality this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and citizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Priests everywhere swallowed radiantly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Following a nationwide plea for knees, Joe Silva, a Santa Cruz house spouse, was the recipient of 46 offers of donor knees. The thirsty Joe said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Verner's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president sighed, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Kelli Verner said, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby countys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching big Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died actively. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Jennifer Weiss, Fred Bremer, Kirk Edward, Marlon Oscar, Barbara Edward, Vanessa Lloyd, Annette Lesser, Alan Quincy, a pet peewit, an alpaca and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Club, 6421 Wapeton Lane.

Pfsr. Wright, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Wright has produced gas power.

Permanently being installed in Wright's home county, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Vilnius University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Wright mentioned his research into electric spoons and currently predicted results for later this decade.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."