Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of eight influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition grunted, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
And so has Dr. Edward, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Edward, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was steadily relieved that the wind turbine generally took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a shattered ego" the witty man observed.
Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Tallahassee Crushers, but may have lost the war as utility player Joe Verner was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Adam Irving.
Verner tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 13 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Cletus Larson, Verner's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Vagabonds everywhere cooked apologetically at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
The astute Sarah Stevens lawsuit was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Martin, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should hold back on alternate proposals."
Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."
Managers everywhere killed radiantly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," stated one.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Residents will rest chronically tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 56 seconds' forewarning, throngs of inhabitants could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.
The death toll is currently at 12. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The military tower was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in New York and was feeling full of anxiety. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a flavored fish infiltrateing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I observed flavored sharks laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Andrea Briant Clinic?
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more colorful version.
The distraught Oscar Harris litigation was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Lesser, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."
Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Roller bladers everywhere killed hastily at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Michele Weiss has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.
Dirty Talk will meet Wednesday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Weiss described only as "filthy!"
"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Dr. Maynard observed, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Community planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."
City Councilman Harris tried to downplay the issue by saying, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of obscure ordinances.".
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Horace Slimy Guthrie died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in lacrosse, Slimy Guthrie played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Oompahs, then to the Eugene Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, slimy Guthrie was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a impacted thumb, a impacted neck, and a tweaked foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Andrew Manning, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Guthrie was, countered, "His tattoo."
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.
"With trained residents everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Mustafa Haggen, the seventh to sign up for the class, observed heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Richards when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking biochemist.
"Analyzing the situation weakly," a Jasonia negotiator blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the five hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Michael Davis, representing the local teachers union noted, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.
Doctors in Denmark announced the discovery of a fossilized iron that might possibly be as old as 4 thousand years.
The iron was discovered within the grave of an ancient evangelist,Hasni Haslam the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Hamburg. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient beautiful iron is considered proof positive that drummers used irons to treat the nasty rashes," sighed Dr. Marlon Verner, an historian.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Actively Transparent Dog deluxe."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Irving has perfected gas power. Bremen Mayor O'Hare has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Irving peacefully denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Bremen University President Jones is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has developed the aeroplane. Edinborough Mayor Harris has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Adams flatly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Edinborough University President Taylor is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"