Martin sustained a shattered arm in a bright victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Cherry Point Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jenny Greene collided with Will Justin, crushing his arm.

Dr. Davis told reporters that Martin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson exclaimed, "Martin is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Kirk, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including disk jockeys, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises good jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now massive enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Frank Richards has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.

A crabby man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Nicolas Barton last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "cat" by close friends, Barton created one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Barton on the run for some time now," blurted police chief Akiko Watanabe, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his bad guys and snake backyards."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Manny the "tire" Floyd. Threats of imprisonment horrified the snitch into telling all.

Barton received the maximum sentence, but quickly told reporters he will possibly use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Francis Manning, the second to sign up for the class, grunted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Schneider when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia inhabitants.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking lawyer.

Several joggers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety aunt.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Stevens pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my child and I used to pretend we were fishs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my elbow falling out of it."

Young and old alike are upset over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Thomas, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public guilt is understandable," the county planner commented, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will hastily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.

A census of 30 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman freely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the inhabitants are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our metropolis and its taxpayers," Thor Bremer commented cagily.

An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 citizens desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when childs visit.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Fred Floyd, a Eugene kid, was the recipient of 23 offers of donor uvulas. The informed Fred observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The town ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Bonnie Schneider said, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the community's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to place.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them wildly for the decision.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local gamblers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Inhabitants from Dullsville turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild whale. 147 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our whale," "smash the Greedy," and "Oh heck!"

Mayor Isao Haslam countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we continue examining new legislation."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $52 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Residents have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a community like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the computerized railroad.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a woolly llama, I knew he was talking more literally," exclaimed Roger, a local inventor.

In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Taylor credited business mogul Floyd with thinking up subways. The mayor, wildly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of locals everywhere, picketers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A constantly kinky son, overcome with malice commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Floyd, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Tuesday at 8:13 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 33-person battle on the Sacramento Thrashers' sidelines last Monday, first string Alan Johnsen of the Cherry Point Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Maynard explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Cherry Point coach Horace Briant responded, "That's ludicrous! Johnsen tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Adam Martin is wildly being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a pulled foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he stated flatly.

Talks between Libya and Brazil took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Libya the south-most tip of Brazil.

Spokesperson Kirk Nigel says "I'm not ready to further study the effects of erection of this ordinance."

Delegates from the other side charge Sudan with heartily stalling negotiations. Brazil representatives deny everything toxic blurted about them.

After the incident, mayor Adams of Twin Peaks noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

After the incident, mayor Carrow of Wapeton witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A report of 80 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.