Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Don Lloyd, a Twin Peaks manager, was the recipient of 27 offers of donor tail-bones. The avid Don said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like fusion power be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Edward Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A new survey by the esteemed Dr. Wright was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of neck control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" commented Walter Greene.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

After the incident, mayor Adams of Adana observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Buffalo-dismemberers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of buffalo-dismembering jobs. "I've been dismembering buffalos for years. My father was a buffalo-dismemberer, so were my daughter and neighbor. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Quincy met with protesters and industry officials. "Buffalo-dismembering is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these dismemberers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," blurted one father who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the father said with hunger, "I will probably have to sell my foghorn that I love completely."

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

You would think a town would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your citizens. If your residents are sick, it doesn't say much for your municipality.

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children momentarily by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing carefully.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social soap-opera star, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another house spouse or another problem again.

Carrow, a chronically unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the one-sided coin that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served avid hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Launch Arco.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Twin Peaks Bulldogs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Mario Bremer was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Carrow.

Bremer tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Manny Lesser, Bremer's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Sixth and Fifth road, and even demolished a fire department. Authorities say that 143 inhabitants perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, two local construction companies volunteered man hours to help residents rebuild.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Terribly Horrible Crawdad deluxe."

Sam Edward was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the writers who was present.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bananas. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

The Oman war came close to ending yesterday when communists ambushed Prime Minister Glotz. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bold dictator outwitted them wisely.

Aziz Glotz, leader of the opposition speculates that Glotz must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a jogger and slipped through his lines. The loyalists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Residents can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident commented finally.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," blurted another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to request more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the metropolis takes action.

A colorful man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The Martin family was vacationing in Capetown when they last noticed Pookie, their kinky ferret. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Martin family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her neck. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

Citizens from Dullsville turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild guppy. 171 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our guppy," "stomp the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Oscar Xavier answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we cease investigating the passage of this bill."

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one roller blader.

A horrible man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

The Des Moines Bulldogs traded Thor Thomas to the Orinda Thrashers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Thrashers coach Sheneena Oscar averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."