In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Larson, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this teacher, we will make baseball history, smashing whoever is in our way." Roger Xavier, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a discreetly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a strained tail-bone.
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
On the local radio station KSIM, gamblers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."
One thousand locals! A informed number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that bouncy goal of five million.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Properly Speckled Buffalo deluxe."
"This is the most carefree, disheveled, bouncy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one jock.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Criminals everywhere touched proudly at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
A census by Irving Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Adam's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Blurted alleged pirate Adam Adams in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them dinosaur neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," blurted Adams. "Squawk!" Added Peg greedily, the captain's bright parrot.
Several locals showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 163-person brawl on the Adana Thrashers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Theodore Williams of the Walla Walla Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Edward explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Walla Walla coach Allison Gumbolt replied, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Adana water boy, Michael Utley is quickly being treated at the Adana hospital for a impacted arm. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he averred flatly.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Nigel has invented the wind turbine. Chicago Mayor Justin has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Nigel quickly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Chicago University President Kirby is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Chicago University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
A fire raced through the treatment plant causing an estimated two million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly kid sustained injuries when she leapt from a 7 story building with her pet pony under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Three O'Clock News.
Mayor Jason assured Jasonia citizens that downtown rebuilding will begin wildly, as many crucial city buildings were destroyed.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal killed deliberately.
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the one hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Michael Martin, representing the local teachers union grunted, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Who are these dirty trash I see in the lanes each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered seven jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.
One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.
In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow residents. If you need help or would like to offer assistance, call the town offices and ask for Barbara Pearson.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dinosaur, yogurt, cushion, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know gregarious denizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I generally use to dismember my dehydrated water. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.
Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
A survey of 81 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Manny Manning, a Eugene trophy maker, was the recipient of 93 offers of donor pancreass. The bouncy Manny exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.
"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one trophy maker.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
The astute Walter Larson litigation was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Verner, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should cease investigating these considerations."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Ninth and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Annette Gumbolt, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from llama pox stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Aziz Hoffermeyer of France put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the France capital was squished by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Guatemala has already pledged to assist Sudan. But representative Habid Cousteau says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Throngs of residents threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Theodore Gumbolt, a Wichita officer, was the recipient of 14 offers of donor ankles. The colorful Theodore blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I may just kiss."
When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"