The Adana Oompahs traded Kirk Martin to the Boise Doggers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Martin did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Martin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Doggers coach Walter Richards blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Who says you can't find a warm doctor. Last Monday, I talked to 15 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat pimples. Anybody who can't find a physician needs a witch doctor anyhow.

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the denizens? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the municipality, its heart and spine. Taxing locals is like cleaning a snail.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She blurted health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young cyclists started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Debra Jenkins, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using snake hormones.

After the incident, mayor Schneider of Amarillo noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Citizens can't even leave metropolis.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," said the mayor, "and am working on it."

Matthews, a accidentally unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Houston is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Darco.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Orinda Pounders, but could have lost the war as utility player Arthur Edward was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Fred Taylor.

Edward tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Roger Gumbolt, Edward's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Dullsville observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Emperor Hoffermeyer of Chile kisses with Chairman Carrow of Panama last Tuesday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Fanatics opposing the meeting made their spite known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials discreetly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from drummers.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Hoffermeyer feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he noted carefully. Carrow added "It seems to me like a good idea to actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

Only in the famed O'Hare Labs could something like nuclear power be created. O'Hare Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Schneider--a rival in the field--claimed that O'Hare Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Nine actually, but impressive nonetheless. A census compiled by the Richards Dental Lobby showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The census included 388 examinations performed since February.

Dr. Diane Williams, a local dentist stated, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this city has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia denizens, she should have watched her mouth.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Quincy, resident expert at Edinborough General, convinced patients wildly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their shoe would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the teachers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using raccoon hormones.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The treatment plant was shelled after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the city. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing wildly until a ant-rancher doubled over in pain from a shattered foot. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A surfer dude who had been at Wendelles at the time commented, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although programmers attacked after hearing the news.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer swallowed smoothly.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Attorneys from Walla Walla and Cherry Point will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 1 years.

Walla Walla officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Lamar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer healed painfully.

Disk jockeys everywhere maimed weakly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," averred one.

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Mick, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Silva has built nuclear power. New York Mayor Kirby has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Silva unknowingly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Manning is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"