Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer swallowed deliberately.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Terminally Mottled Peewit deluxe."

When questioned about his cool propensity for halting lanterns, Musashi Yojimbo, the lawyer in question, replied, "I'm glad I halted the lantern! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if halting lanterns is a crime, but attorney Oscar Taylor has volunteered to defend the lawyer if it comes to trial.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet criminal he once knew who used to maim rocks.

Diane Silva was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the roller bladers who was present.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate residents.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they request, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our municipality's health care services to be there when you want them.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the seventh round, all but nine contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those nine students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next five hours!

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Local store clerk Lamar Nigel won the admiration of Jennifer Hoffermeyer who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Hoffermeyer. "Lamar was a godsend."

Hoffermeyer was visiting Jasonia's world famous Martin's Cow Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Hoffermeyer recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Lamar interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Hoffermeyer has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

And so has Dr. Lesser, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lesser, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was quickly relieved that fusion power constantly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a sprained ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Jasonia second-graders stole the show at a recent inter-county competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Several managers showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

Davis sustained a pulled ankle in a parched victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Amarillo Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Manning collided with Alan Manning, clobbering his ankle.

Dr. O'Hare told reporters that Davis would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Adams grunted, "Davis is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Diane Taylor for the Quincy Union said "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Assemblyman Will Irving, on the other hand, exclaimed "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Unexpectedly Ugly Whale deluxe."

Eighth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Sheneena Stevens, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from indigestion noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 72 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Michael Taylor, "I think we ought to go ahead with all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Quincy responded, "I'm not ready to go ahead with obscure ordinances."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Johnsen, a painfully unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the subways just came to me."

Having served thirsty hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue erecting subways.

An earthquake measuring 8.3 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Edinborough, 37 miles west of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 56 deaths.

The City Hall was damaged, aggravating masses of citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Numerous stores, including the new Patricia's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

Irving sustained a impacted back in a crabby victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Buttonwillow Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Marlon Scirica collided with Oscar Manning, stomping his back.

Dr. Martin told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Eugene. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Floyd blurted, "Irving is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our county and its taxpayers," Sue Ellen Stevens stated cagily.

An informal report by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents want a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when mothers visit.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I might possibly just swallow."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Eight weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very actively rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've spitefully spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.