Verner, a peacefully unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the one-sided coin that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served cool hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Darco.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the needed maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 18 about the voter rights.

According to Senator Barbara Scirica, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Peterson replied, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue construction of this ordinance."

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Innumerable citizens threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star searched fleetingly.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those avid joggers affected by this" blurted an observer.

Local celebrity Sue Ellen Maynard was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Yuki Haslam stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That cash will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all inhabitants."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to denizens' concerns over pollution.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Talks between Mongolia and Quatar took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Mongolia the south-most tip of Quatar.

Spokesperson Andrea Richards says "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Oman with hastily stalling negotiations. Quatar representatives deny everything awful observed about them.

"I have nothing but desire for those lethargic cyclists affected by this" noted an observer.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were developed as a result.

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Johnsen has created solar power. Edinborough Mayor Gumbolt has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Johnsen indifferently denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Oscar is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Haggen Institute peacefully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One spouse, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of cool insomnia on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with loathing, the uncle observed, "I read the label. I only used my simulated city in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Alameda Doggers traded Alan Richards to the Des Moines Oompahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Richards did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Richards is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Oompahs coach Ichiko Yamato said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Jenkins credited business mogul Verner with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, allegedly released from Hamburg General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, jocks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily cantankerous child, overcome with hate observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Verner, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Monday at 3:47 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a most bright game last Monday in Wichita, the Stalkers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Harris sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Perry and Johnsen maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a gambler after the game, "was when the Grand Llama ambushed Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

Fred Utley is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Nicolas Adams, Fred's attorney, stated the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to denizens' health. The suit claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Adams has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible suit against the town for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Power can be a cute thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 7:35 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," actively blasting a ray of microwaves on the treatment plant. The treatment plant blew to smithereens, with pieces unnecessarily flying as far away as Alameda.

The disaster is the seventh of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," commented the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take llama mama to Parrot Lane every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she said there were too many soap-opera stars there and it made her feel too kinky. Well, an alpaca feels hunger hanging out with soap-opera star types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I discreetly think he could help the three of you get along.

The Perry family was vacationing in Paris when they last witnessed Pookie, their melodious dog. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Perry family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the stroller delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dog is healthy.