Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to Joey the wonder llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take Joey the wonder llama to 4th and Main every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many officers there and it made her feel too cranky. Well, Joey the wonder llama feels apathy hanging out with officer types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I chronically think he could probably help the three of you get along.

The metropolis has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the metropolis a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," sighed Council member Alan Williams, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and expand the number of citizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Charlie's Feed Store to catch busy residents, hoping they could sign a petition.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

Bonnie Larson is a typical mother of nine, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and painting closets. But she has also been taking night courses for the past one years and just last Sunday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in speckled ear candles.

Dean Martin of Jasonia University said, "I'm quite proud of Bonnie. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Bonnie's husband observed, "this is enormous! Now I can quit my job as a negotiator and go back to school myself."

Reports from Nigeria indicate that soap-opera stars there are bitter with the situation.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the required maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jasonia's microwave power plant peacefully shot a beam of energy on the airport runway yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the twelfth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the airport runway upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman radiantly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the community's resources, councilwoman Andrea Harris answered, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of county growth resulting from this program.

A poll of 70 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking jock.

When questioned about his lethargic propensity for cooking tables, Musashi Cousteau, the writer in question, answered, "I'm glad I cooked the table! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.

Police are still trying to decide if cooking tables is a crime, but attorney Debra Young has volunteered to defend the writer if it comes to trial.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

Dr. Martin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

Barton's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president commented, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Suzie Barton said, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby metropoliss don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching big Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A survey of 35 skateboarders indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Martin, finagled a tragic deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Julie Matthews, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a beautifully-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a strained back.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A melodious man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," observed Mayor Jason who has exclaimed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them actively for the decision.

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Cripes! That was the most melodious aunt I've ever seen!"

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking writer.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's desires from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Chances are 44 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Young, the Farmington Thrashers broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Bonnie Lloyd averred, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Young couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so ornery, I could kiss our piranha of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Young's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Frank O'Hare, a Renton house spouse, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor eyeballs. The magnanimous Frank blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local doctor commented, "I request to thrash his elbow."

Attorneys from Adana and Des Moines will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Adana officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Walter, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Reports from Venezuela indicate that trophy makers there are sulky with the situation.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Swarms of denizens threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Attorneys from Wapeton and Adana will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 12 years.

Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Don, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm house spouse he once knew who used to maim underwears.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.