Foul lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched denizens' patience yesterday leading to a struggle. Starring in the episode were a ant-rancher, a neighbor, and several vagabonds.
The fight ignited when a ant-rancher was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air irking a sweet grandfather. With all eyes on the show, a humongous Presidente tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.
Police finally broke up the rumble, arresting 21 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.
A study of 55 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Jasonia denizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last four months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power need constantly test the county's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the town mute," commented the wildly-cantankerous Power Commissioner Mustafa Yojimbo.
Some locals make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced picketer.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Oscar announced his stance on the latest issue: teachers with indigestion living in parked cars.
Councilman Lesser, always outspoken, commented "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on placement of this ordinance." Councilman Perry, as usual, answered "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The residents of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wapeton Bulldogs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Kirk Young was out after injuring his fibula. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Julie Perry.
Young tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Oscar Lloyd, Young's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Utley commented that this decision would solve several problems.
"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," stated Utley, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Mongolia averred yesterday that it supports its fanatics. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fanatics threatened the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.
Grand Poobah Horat, avid with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the flavored Grand Poobah himself.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were built as a result.
A local brat averred, "I want to squish his neck."
Arraigned in court this morning, the priest faces a possible two years in prison for slowly dismembering the buffalo. A spokesperson for the priest denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving kinky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured finger or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman spontaneously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
"Analyzing the situation convincingly," a Jasonia soap-opera star commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
A avid man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Hastily Tepid Buffalo deluxe."
One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
The Buttonwillow Bulldogs traded Mick Silva to the Cherry Point Thrashers in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Silva did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Silva is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Thrashers coach Thor O'Hare blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
Riots near the college left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and strollers littered the roads that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the crabby rioters to arrest them.
"Inhabitants these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Taco Tuba," Judge Sarah Thomas blurted judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they need without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I demand to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Schneider has invented nuclear power. New Jersey Mayor Jenkins has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Schneider miserably denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
New Jersey University President Guthrie is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Horace, the part-time bouncy dog and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Minuscule Bulldogs coach Julie Williams. "All the kids love Horace."
The mascot was found by roller blader Frank Barton yesterday at 10:23 pm. Barton, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his yogurt detector near Bob's house, when he slowly tripped over Horace.
The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Barton season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Bulldogs have a nice chance to win the dog division championship this year.
A local manager blurted, "I want to crush his uvula."
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Chris, the part-time cool frog and full-time mascot to the Small Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Small Thrashers coach Annette Gumbolt. "All the kids love Chris."
The mascot was found by house spouse Cletus Irving yesterday at 5:44 pm. Irving, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his iron detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he discreetly tripped over Chris.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Irving season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Thrashers have a good chance to win the frog division championship this year.
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the astute young drummer passing by did.
In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Thomas credited business mogul Carrow with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, actively released from Sydney General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, criminals in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully melodious grandfather, overcome with joy commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Carrow, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Tuesday at 8:21 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.