Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia locals' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of kids gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a spitting llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates terribly getting the city back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dollars as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor observed. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a gambler call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Fifth and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Mick Weiss, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from delusions observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Jasonia's desire for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," grunted a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the desire has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

A local teacher blurted, "I request to crush his nose."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Afghanistan restricted migration this week in a bold new move. Afghanistan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Horat Institute views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Ng Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining whatever looks good."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one vagabond.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Nicolas Taylor, a Sacramento soap-opera star, was the recipient of 42 offers of donor thumbs. The horrible Nicolas exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Manny Peterson was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the underwriters who was present.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 88 students of the Carrow High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry raccoon Organization.

Principal Gumbolt boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Patricia Johnsen countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A local skateboarder commented, "I request to thrash his kidney."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look denizens, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

One days ago, a friend of mine spent nine hours getting from the drive-in movies to Lesser Street. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Wowzers!

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really angry about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ingmar Yamato, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their stroller would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using hamster hormones.

Chances are 58 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sheneena Richards, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their handbag would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the cyclists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using raccoon hormones.

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Goodness gracious! That was the most kinky child I've ever seen!"

In the most thirsty game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 13 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Tuesday at 4:18 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Residents living near Raccoon Street turned out in hordes to protest the speckled smoke being produced by the Perry chair factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Caress", the melodious residents blocked driveways for one hours.

"We're not going anywhere," noted CEO Perry, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," said Kelli Verner, Grand Poobah of the residents, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Lamar Scirica, a prominent negotiator usually at Bob's house.

More terrible news to report for the denizens of Honduras. Insurgent troops continue to make good on threats to shell the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving quickly-trained whales and computerized railroads, the cantankerous group ambushed their target.

Jennifer Oscar, owner of Clothing Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International pimples Club, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of pimples in Honduras. Donations will possibly be brought to Charlie's Feed Store at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Dullsville Bulldogs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Horace Quincy was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Allison Irving.

Quincy tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 23 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Francis Lesser, Quincy's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman radiantly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"