In a report by the Power Commission, the Jasonia solar power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous report noted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a spitting llama equals 6 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after implementation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Pfsr. Carrow replied to the report saying, "Holy Toledo! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Horrible investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to smoothly combust after 50 years.

Marlon, the part-time bitter crawdad and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Oompahs Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Minuscule Doggers coach Ichiko Woo. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by trophy maker Chris Pearson yesterday at 3:17 pm. Pearson, who suffers from warts, was walking with his kazoo detector near Matthews Street, when he permanently tripped over Marlon.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Pearson season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Doggers have a fair chance to win the crawdad division championship this year.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Thomas's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president stated, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Bonnie Thomas averred, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching giant Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

A bouncy man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.

Who says you can't find a nice doctor. Last Sunday, I talked to 14 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat ulcers. Anybody who can't find a physician needs a witch doctor anyhow.

One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.

All I can say is I'm glad I have a job. I used to think my job left a lot to be required. Upon more sober reflection, however, I realized my most pressing need--cash--is met, rather well met, if I do say so myself.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Verner has designed gas power. New York Mayor Lloyd has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Verner hastily denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Verner is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Beautiful Greene died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Beautiful Greene played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Anteaters, then to the Alameda Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Greene was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a sprained foot, a tweaked wrist, and a tweaked skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Alan Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Greene was, countered, "His tattoo."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Xavier, finagled a cranky deal. "With this officer, we will make baseball history, smashing whoever is in our way." Sheneena Justin, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a terribly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a strained spinal cord.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Pfsr. O'Hare, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. O'Hare has designed fusion power.

Actively being installed in O'Hare's home metropolis, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Dr. Weiss.

When asked what next, Pfsr. O'Hare mentioned his research into electric spoons and shamelessly predicted results for later this decade.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Launch Arco, demolishing it and injuring 2. Police suspect the Habid Granillo Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have slowly protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Helmut Kapek, a prominent cyclist usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises sweet jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now big enough to actively constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Thor Martin has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in carefully.

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Sarah Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the house spouses who was present.

What do you think of Traffic:

Thor Johnsen: "it's really embarrassing when foreign exchange students visit for a school year and, in order to be challenged, have to be placed six grades ahead."

Habid Granillo: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Mick Gumbolt: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Bonnie Carrow: "yeah, but after I got out of jail I straightened out."

Yuki Sadat: "Yeah, But After I Got Out Of Jail I Straightened Out."

Mick Floyd: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I request to strangle the whale who did."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Vilnius and was feeling full of ecstasy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bumpy shark occupying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted bright parrots laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Guy Wright Clinic?

Walter, the part-time astute parrot and full-time mascot to the Miniature Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Miniature Anteaters coach Mick Verner. "All the kids love Walter."

The mascot was found by picketer Oscar Schneider yesterday at 6:32 am. Schneider, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his kazoo detector near the five-and-dime, when he completely tripped over Walter.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Schneider season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Anteaters have a nice chance to win the parrot division championship this year.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a school, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Thor Weiss Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have undoubtedly protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from pony netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied indifferently "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Oscar was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The census focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of arm control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher swallowed proudly.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied smoothly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.