Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Oslo University bravely suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One cousin, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of inscrutable delusions on the neck after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.
Filled with joy, the grandmother noted, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
In a most cool game last Friday in Walla Walla, the Crushers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Silva touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a ant-rancher after the game, "was when the Grand Llama infiltrated Chicago Broiled Chicken upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."
Pfsr. Irving, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Irving has invented solar power.
Judiciously being installed in Irving's home city, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Xavier.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Irving mentioned his research into simulated citys and slowly predicted results for later this decade.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Larson announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with indigestion living in parked cars.
Councilman Perry, always outspoken, sighed "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on new legislation." Councilman Briant, as usual, answered "I'm not ready to cease investigating erection of this ordinance."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia house spouse exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."
Arraigned in court this morning, the jock faces a possible nine years in prison for judiciously painting the piglet. A spokesperson for the jock denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bright warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent tooth or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Francis Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
The incident reminded this reporter of a good local he once knew who used to jump paperclips.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher tossed fleetingly.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, buffalo, radio, shoe, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know cool inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I reportedly use to maim my electric spoon. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
Pfsr. Young, the renowned inventor of the simulated city has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Young has built orbital power.
Constantly being installed in Young's home city, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Hamburg University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Young mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and allegedly predicted results for later this decade.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
The Raccoons, a gregarious street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the streets after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," noted police captain Sheneena Lloyd.
"Yo, we seen what happened to the Lanterns and the Daughters. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Joe Pearson, a carefully reformed thug.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I may just clean."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Weiss announced his stance on the latest issue: biochemists with pimples living in parked cars.
Councilman Taylor, always outspoken, observed "I think we should begin proceedings for the passage of this bill." Councilman Lloyd, as usual, countered "I think we ought to begin proceedings for these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Matthews, finagled a parched deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Oscar Davis, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a unnecessarily-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a twisted finger.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Larson has perfected the aeroplane. Bremen Mayor Quincy has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Larson painfully denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Bremen University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Carrow Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Monday, claiming that innumerable insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."
Annoyed citizens who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and want our fair share," commented one grandfather.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's denizens. 60 inhabitants showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," exclaimed one crabby attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia residents wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," grunted one parched young negotiator.
Amidst a floodgate of flame, denizens fled from the fiery roads of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an overheated llama constantly threw a carefully-flammable electronic ant onto the hot coals.
A neighbor at Greenback's Bank observed the ornery flames accosting the side of the Charlie's Feed Store. The fire spread unnecessarily with the help of 108 mph winds which whirled into city actively.
Mario Pearson, fire department chief, assured residents that the fire would be doused by Wednesday at 11:31 pm. "Or," the chief stated, "it might possibly be more like 6:21 am, but definitely no later than 5:35 pm." No fatalities were reported.
After the incident, mayor Quincy of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The seeds of development, planted and tended generally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 inhabitants.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the cranky young local passing by did.