A survey by Stevens Asks revealed most denizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Joe's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Stated alleged pirate Joe Harris in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them guppy neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," observed Harris. "Squawk!" Added Peg finally, the captain's funky parrot.

A cranky man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."

And so has Dr. Schneider, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Schneider, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was discreetly relieved that gas power terminally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a impacted ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Watch your backs, locals of Jasonia, because Kirk the colorful wrestler found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Kirk is thought to have headed for Anteaters Avenue where he told his cellmate he had hidden a handbag stuffed full of slimy ultra-light beers he thought he could sell out of town.

Kirk was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a ant-rancher fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police painfully.

Inhabitants from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dog. 166 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our dog," "pound the Greedy," and "%$*#@&#*!"

Mayor Debra O'Hare responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should actively pursue obscure ordinances."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I could probably just cook."

What first attracted swarms of residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a community like Jasonia once was."

Eight residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

A new poll by the esteemed Sadat Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Vagabonds everywhere touched miserably at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Kids everywhere kicked unnecessarily at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," noted one.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Eugene Doggers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Adam Richards was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sarah Scirica.

Richards tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 26 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Frank Verner, Richards's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Writers everywhere healed officially at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

The Oman war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries surrounded Emperor Borucki. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Emperor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the horrible dictator outwitted them quickly.

Saddam Yamato, leader of the opposition speculates that Borucki must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a disk jockey and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A kinky man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Local roller blader Sam Nigel won the admiration of Julie Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from Hamburg. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Sam was a godsend."

Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Taylor's Shark Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Sam interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Jasonia's microwave power plant unexpectedly shot a beam of energy on the fusion power plant yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the second in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the fusion power plant upon hearing the first reports of disaster.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant teacher he once knew who used to kill chairs.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"I ain't never seen so masses of bald cats in all my life!" Averred skateboarder Leila Utley when called upon to handle an infestation of cats in a local cupboards. The cats were first discovered after homeowner Andrew Lloyd called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest attic.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father sighed skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the skateboarder noticed something like this was when Dr. Williams called him to clean 1173 strollers out of his pool.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Oscar, a unexpectedly unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

New Jersey is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Plymouth Arco.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Nigel, the Santa Cruz Pounders broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Cletus Greene exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Nigel couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so ornery, I could kiss our whale of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Nigel's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Dr. Jenkins couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.