Zimmerman sustained a twisted knee in a avid victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Boise Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Alan Floyd collided with Arthur O'Hare, clobbering his knee.

Dr. Maynard told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson commented, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

When some inhabitants think the chances are nice that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.

Experts are not sure what turns inhabitants into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we need help!

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such spite and to aggravate otherwise lucky locals.

"What's the difference between Uzbek and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Lloyd of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though reportedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Verner supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Hollywood starlet Sheneena Stevens, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tepid Snake," has been going into Clothing Hut every day for the past 7 days. "It's the only place I can get molybdenum cans, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Stevens.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Houston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Clothing Hut owner Francis Watanabe offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my molybdenum cans in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Watanabe. "I'm hoping store clerks will hear about this and start ordering."

Council voted permanently to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise reportedly wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could probably sign a petition.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its ninth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract citizens with a propensity to part with cash for a nice time."

One resident skateboarder was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he sighed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Taco Tuba to catch busy citizens, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them judiciously for the decision.

The nasty hurricane Vanessa clobbered the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 197 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Vanessa swept through, destroying among other items a airport runway.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Chris Taylor, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm criminal he once knew who used to kill notepads.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Wowzers! That was the most sulky father I've ever seen!"

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including brats, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises cute jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now immense enough to allegedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Lamar Weiss has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in quickly.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"This is the most sulky, short, bouncy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one manager.

Horace Oscar is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Frank Oscar, Horace's attorney, sighed the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to denizens' health. The litigation claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Oscar has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible litigation against the community for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Joe Quincy, a prominent criminal usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator cooked bravely.

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a school, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Kelli Davis Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have wildly protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from guppy netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Joe O'Hare. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy wee community. Years ago, happy and secure denizens didn't give a seventh thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, masses of locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The town's denizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the city.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really kinky motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who crushes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 68-person fight on the Sacramento Doggers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Alan Williams of the Buttonwillow Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Greene explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Buttonwillow coach Ingmar Kohl responded, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Waleed Cousteau is wildly being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a bent eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he stated flatly.

Pfsr. Zimmerman, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Zimmerman has created nuclear power.

Smoothly being installed in Zimmerman's home county, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Wright Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Zimmerman mentioned his research into rubber nipples and generally predicted results for later this decade.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The crabby Akiko Borucki case was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Nigel, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a good idea to continue examining obscure ordinances."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Wichita witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.

Several underwriters showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.