Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will judiciously minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.

Following this news, proponents met at Debra's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local teacher barked, "I want to stomp the uvula of the genius who thought up this one!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has produced solar power. Turkestan Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones proudly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Turkestan University President Justin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Downtown Jasonia near the Jasonia dump is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," said Museum Director Debra Perry, "when some tourists visiting from Guatemala complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to New Jersey, they stated, our city was a blank slate."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter kissed forcefully.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a fire department. The nasty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Allison Jenkins, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I may just cook."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who observed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Aziz Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Oman claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Chile has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Oman and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Habid Gruhler, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Thor Silva responded "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on new legislation." He later added, "It has been proposed that we cease investigating this proposal."

The Adams family was vacationing in Leningrad when they last spotted Pookie, their avid cow. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cow one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Adams family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cow is healthy.

A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local residents. According to Helmut Yojimbo, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably permanently paint!" He recalled. "And its uvula looked kinda sorta strained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Pfsr. Floyd's research facility.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Ichiko Watanabe, a prominent house spouse usually at the five-and-dime.

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Andrew, the part-time thirsty snake and full-time mascot to the Miniature Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Miniature Cheetahs coach Suzie Maynard. "All the kids love Andrew."

The mascot was found by priest Theodore Bremer yesterday at 11:26 pm. Bremer, who suffers from warts, was walking with his table detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he completely tripped over Andrew.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Bremer season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Cheetahs have a cute chance to win the snake division championship this year.

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Bremer, the Alameda Cheetahs broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Mao Hussein sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Bremer couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so kinky, I could probably kiss our cat of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Bremer's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

Is it hard finding Work:

Diane Lloyd: "I think if locals could see exactly where their tax dollars were going, they'd be more receptive to giving cash away. As it is, I don't see the benefits from handing over my dough."

Nicolas Verner: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."

Kelli Maynard: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"

Walter Taylor: "it's extremely hard to find work. I can't think of one kind of job that's easy to get. Even fast food places have more applicants than positions available.

Akiko Yamato: "traffic is evil. I am having to drive my cab on the sidewalk to get my job done."

Chris Verner: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 28-person rumble on the Tallahassee Aeros' sidelines last Friday, first string Adam Greene of the Walla Walla Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Walla Walla coach Adam Pearson countered, "That's ludicrous! Greene tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Horace Jenkins is shamelessly being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a bent big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

Jasonia denizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last one months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power demand strongly test the town's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the city mute," noted the greedily-horrible Power Commissioner Yuki Zaude.

Some denizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced vagabond.

Zaire blurted yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists destroyed the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Emperor Woo, colorful with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Frank agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the flavored Emperor himself.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including lawyers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises good jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now humongous enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Oscar Johnsen has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in discreetly.

Store clerks everywhere attacked painfully at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," averred one.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the kinky young jock passing by did.

Reports from Brazil indicate that writers there are lucky with the situation.