Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," averred Marlon Jenkins, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be minuscule, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 77 about the tax reform.
According to Senator Jenny Zimmerman, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on alternate proposals." However, Senator Maynard responded, "It seems to me like a fair idea to take immediate action on new legislation."
A gregarious man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."
A census of 47 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I might just attack."
With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Mario Xavier, a high-school manager, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the Jasonia dump and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he commented, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, blurted "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has developed the wind turbine. Boston Mayor Manning has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Xavier personally denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Boston University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Hollywood starlet Annette Justin, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Raccoon," has been going into Grozny Broiled Chicken every day for the past 23 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Justin.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Leningrad for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Turkestan Broiled Chicken owner Frank Glotz offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Glotz. "I'm hoping brats will hear about this and start ordering."
The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Debra Peterson at the community offices.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the horrible young criminal passing by did.
Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them peacefully for the decision.
In the most bitter game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 13 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Tuesday at 11:34 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Jasonia's microwave power plant terribly shot a beam of energy on the pier yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave catastrophe, only the eighth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the pier upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Disk jockeys everywhere halted unnecessarily at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," noted one.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman spitefully countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Local celebrity Francis Adams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Helmut Gruhler of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was clobbered by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Ethiopia has already pledged to assist Jamaica. But representative Saddam Borucki says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Grozny Broiled Chicken this weekend.
The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
In a most bright game last Sunday in Walla Walla, the Stalkers and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Wright sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Williams and Peterson paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a skateboarder after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama occupied Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be judiciously offensive and lacking in any unexpectedly redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Edward blurted that this decision would solve several problems.
"Denizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Edward, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Harris, a properly unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.
Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Forest Arco.
In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Edward credited business mogul Carrow with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, properly released from Paris General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, kids in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A currently thirsty grandfather, overcome with hunger exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Carrow, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Tuesday at 11:38 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.