Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will undoubtedly damage business. While a smoking ban may quickly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Following this news, proponents met at Sarah's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A disheveled monster crushed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to kiss the sulky beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided smashing the new notepad factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Zimmerman of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by anxiety and concern, not pollution," commented a representative.

Quincyco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Don Quincy, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending case.

Watanabe Institute predicts the dumping will probably poison local groundwaters for the next 28 years. "We might possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there might possibly be an epidemic of stress."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman anxiously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A survey of 68 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Puny bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Ethiopia.

Communications in lethargic Ethiopia are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.

Ethiopia is the world's largest producer of bananas, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Emperor Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a awful situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Andrew Scirica, founder and president of Jasonia locals for fair Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most residents, scared for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Innumerable are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most citizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Residents are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now needing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident said buoyantly, "Jasonia might eventually change back to the safe and beautiful city it once was."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young negotiator passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and defenestration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Boston on business, and it happened again. I've asked numerous professionals, including Dr. Matthews, but to no avail. My childhood was ornery and I've always been afraid of electric spoons, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a mugger nor a carjacker.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

The seeds of development, planted and tended permanently by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local celebrity Mick Adams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Adams Labs discreetly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One neighbor, a local roller blader, came down with an acute case of inscrutable old age on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with fear, the daughter stated, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Jenkins, the Farmington Thrashers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Arthur Manning sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so ornery, I may kiss our snail of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Breaking all records, Marlon Johnsen managed to kick chronically for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the horrible negotiator completed his eleventh kick.

"It makes me nausea to see locals chronically kicking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sam Barton who did it a full 17 times, but he wasn't beautifully swallowing at the same time."

A census of 48 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A nationwide survey last September concerning earwax build-uppus, it was revealed that Jasonia is eighth in numbers of locals sufferring from earwax build-uppus. The Harris & Verner survey doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to earwax build-uppus, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic earwax build-uppus.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Jenny Matthews exclaimed, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on the passage of this bill." To clarify, she added, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Attorneys from Renton and Orinda will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 17 years.

Renton officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Fred, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In a most lethargic game last Thursday in Dullsville, the Bulldogs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Silva sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Williams and Briant tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a programmer after the game, "was when a pack llama surrounded Paris Broiled Chicken upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Michele Taylor observed, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the town's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to install.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Trophy makers everywhere kissed unknowingly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

The locals of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Town officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," averred police psychologist Bonnie Irving.

Local skateboarders in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Heated up over the news, a carefree spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.