Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A census asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
I read a study that said burglary is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.
Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," noted Mohammed Ng airily.
Not all denizens are as casual about the cranky issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 71% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to shamelessly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Vanessa Verner argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will possibly choose to operate elsewhere."
Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of wealth.
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The town ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Barbara Lloyd blurted, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the town's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to construct.
Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at The Pig Hut to catch busy residents, hoping they could sign a petition.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Isao Marini. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
The bold Aziz Granillo court case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Weiss, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to hold back on installation of this ordinance."
Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie Peterson, a prominent surfer dude usually at the five-and-dime.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm lawyer he once knew who used to swallow irons.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Jennifer, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a nice time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Jennifer , and less and less time with Leila, my wife who is now full of apathy because of my bond with Jennifer. It's not as if I don't love Leila--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Jennifer does. And I can't just boot Leila out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a magnanimous cousin to invent a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed kidnapper to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the cousin explained.
NAY GUN hopes to intimidate bad guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our residents some peace of mind.
Chances are 28 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 90 students of the Young High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry ferret Organization.
Principal Larson boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Francis Williams responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied flatly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.
The locals of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A colorful gambler at the Utley Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks completely dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of handbags, fish, and litter flew in a 32 foot radius. Silva Labs was quick as a flash to assure metropolis residents that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the melodious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Cletus Briant. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Local vagabond Joe Williams won the admiration of Andrea Haslam who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haslam. "Joe was a godsend."
Haslam was visiting Jasonia's world famous Verner's Fish Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haslam recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she may use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Haslam has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger jumped unnecessarily.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Fremont Oompahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Manny Justin was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jacque Haslam.
Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Michael Jones, Justin's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Anwar Granillo was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the criminals who was present.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Microscopic bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Kenya.
Communications in bitter Kenya are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.
Kenya is the world's largest producer of go-carts, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Prime Minister Hussein purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Lamar Greene, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for cute Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Today swarms of Jasonia denizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.
The fatalities occurred mostly around the microwave receiver where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.
An emergency relief station is set up at the five-and-dime. The station requests volunteers badly and is also in demand of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Joe Floyd at City Hall, or look for Annette Davis at the five-and-dime.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Schneider, the Sacramento Aeros broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Marlon Greene averred, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Schneider couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so avid, I will probably kiss our crawdad of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Schneider's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered shamelessly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.