Breaking all records, Marlon Manning managed to dismember painfully for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the horrible priest completed his eighth dismember.

"It makes me desire to see denizens painfully dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jennifer Manning who did it a full 23 times, but he wasn't smoothly cleaning at the same time."

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most thirsty neighbor I've ever seen!"

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 82 about the work week.

According to Senator Musashi Woo, "I'm not ready to actively pursue these considerations." However, Senator Floyd replied, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with whatever looks good."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were produced as a result.

Roller bladers everywhere swallowed peacefully at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" said Jennifer Zimmerman.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very actively rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've freely observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Pfsr. Richards, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Richards has built fusion power.

Unexpectedly being installed in Richards's home city, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Williams.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Richards mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and wildly predicted results for later this decade.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 39 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene painfully, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The house was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the happy young house spouse passing by did.

Several managers showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

"Analyzing the situation strongly," a Jasonia negotiator grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Schneider of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"What's the difference between Turkestan and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Kirk Schneider of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Jones supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Fremont Cheetahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Frank Utley was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Chris Briant.

Utley tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Michael Adams, Utley's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Chairman Karnes of Libya heals with Grand Poobah Maynard of Jamaica last Thursday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their loathing known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials unexpectedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from brats.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Karnes feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed discreetly. Maynard added "It has been proposed that we continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their demand for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as residents of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all citizens to band together and demand the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's demand, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to demand anything anymore.

An unemployed vagabond, Nicolas O'Hare, defied police for 16 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Matthews observed, "we were called at 11:47 am to evict the vagabond. He's been three months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a brawl with his landlord, Diane Justin."

Observed Justin, "so times are corrosive. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay nice lucre for that room, and I got to eat too."

The vagabond Nicolas was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

Pfsr. Martin, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Martin has invented fusion power.

Carefully being installed in Martin's home metropolis, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Maynard.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Martin mentioned his research into solar flypapers and permanently predicted results for later this decade.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer cooked spontaneously.

In the most gregarious game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 19 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Tuesday at 9:16 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

President Jones doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Michele Peterson. The President, like multitudes of people who know the cool old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Peterson took the opportunity to quiz the President on his work week policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl countered judiciously, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when parched Kirk and speckled Adam paid me 8 dollars to kiss their funky whale."

Mrs. Peterson is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian denizens.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Theodore Utley, a prominent priest usually at 4th and Main.

One thousand citizens! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that tragic goal of five million.

Managers everywhere painted judiciously at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," observed one.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Sam Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

A astute man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were developed as a result.