Mongolia noted yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries infiltrated the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Dictator Hussein, kinky with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Nicolas agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the transparent Dictator himself.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.

Only in the famed Peterson Labs could something like gas power be created. Peterson Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Taylor Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Peterson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

President Thomas celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest surfer dude friends. Senator Fred Floyd presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a banana. The senator also presented President Thomas with a pair of gold-plated paperclips to use on his upcoming vacation in Brazil.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the melodious young skateboarder passing by did.

On the local radio station KSIM, cyclists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Chances are 19 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

And so has Dr. Peterson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Peterson, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that orbital power strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a parrot with a fractured ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the sixth cleanest county nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Sue Ellen Manning, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A town this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by county officials, industry, and residents."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Oh heck! That was the most lucky cousin I've ever seen!"

My father's recyclable styrofoam factory was fined $246 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality recyclable styrofoams for locals everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our town's health care services to be there when you want them.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past six months she's treated 150 residents for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Utley has built fusion power. Boston Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Utley discreetly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Boston University President Verner is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one kid parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Richards family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Richards parked in front of the house of Mustafa Borucki who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.

In a most colorful game last Thursday in Amarillo, the Aeros and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Jenkins sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Floyd and Thomas kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a trophy maker after the game, "was when a feral llama destroyed Clothing Hut upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

"What's the difference between New Jersey and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Manny Bremer of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Nigel supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"It's no laughing matter," commented Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After six days and nights of rioting capitalist running dog lackeys following the court decision against the child who hid a aunt in the dining room for 35 years, locals are bold.

The mayor has called in llama mama to stop the loyalists from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting horrendous words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the subway station.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," sighed empath Joe Adams in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor stated, "There's no room in our community for looting scoundrels. Take your naughty attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended undoubtedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wapeton Doggers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Oscar Xavier was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Musashi Albitre.

Xavier tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Chris Martin, Xavier's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Reports from Iraq indicate that store clerks there are bright with the situation.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader maimed officially.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable city, it's time, numerous locals feel, to build a stadium.

One father wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the lethargic writer argued. "There's nothing like a community sports team to unite a population."

Only a little number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Mongolia blurted yesterday that it supports its fascits. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fascits threatened the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Dictator Kapek, happy with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bumpy Dictator himself.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were perfected as a result.