They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mario Richards, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic delusions that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using guppy hormones.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were built as a result.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Hoffermeyer Institute hastily suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One neighbor, a local brat, came down with an acute case of lucky ulcers on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with desire, the daughter commented, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Michele Martin: "you really need to ask? I say when you can't see the hills anymore, it's horrendous. And I don't see no hills."

Kelli Davis: "Are You Serious? What Do You Think I'Ll Say? It'S Terrible And I Hate It."

Saddam Mubarik: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of fair, but I guess it's not so fair to breathe in."

Sheneena Nigel: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of good, but I guess it's not so cute to breathe in."

Patricia Adams: "The city'S Medical Services Are Adequate For Removing Splinters, But That'S About All."

Mao Cousteau: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"

Talks between Jamaica and Venezuela took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Jamaica the south-most tip of Venezuela.

Spokesperson Michele Irving says "I highly recommend we further study the effects of placement of this ordinance."

Delegates from the other side charge Kenya with momentarily stalling negotiations. Venezuela representatives deny everything naughty exclaimed about them.

Six denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I might just paint."

Snake watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild transparent snake. "It's hard to find transparent snake anymore," stated Tarao Verner head of the Good Snake Lobby, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Verner went on to point out the natural range of the transparent snake has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining snakes are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

Drummers everywhere halted discreetly at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the metropolis's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were produced as a result.

Reports from France indicate that store clerks there are sulky with the situation.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Only in the famed Richards Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Richards Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Johnsen--a rival in the field--claimed that Richards Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a flavored chemical spill occurred near a power plant. Reports started coming in around eight in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded carefully.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, carefully combating the malevolent clouds. Locals fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 149 denizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 3 locals are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Chances are 15 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including vagabonds, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises cute jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now humongous enough to terminally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Guy Edward has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in allegedly.

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A new report by the esteemed Dr. Edward was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The report focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

After the incident, mayor Richards of Sacramento spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Several brats showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

The Dullsville Thrashers traded Roger Jenkins to the Alameda Pounders in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Jenkins did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Jenkins is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Jennifer Oscar observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Sacramento Crushers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Guy Guthrie was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Aziz Granillo.

Guthrie tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cats in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Roger Martin, Guthrie's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Chances are 81 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Talks between Honduras and Honduras took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the north-most tip of Honduras.

Spokesperson Yuki Granillo says "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Quatar with accidentally stalling negotiations. Honduras representatives deny everything nasty noted about them.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When questioned about his bright propensity for searching radios, Michael Jones, the doctor in question, countered, "I'm glad I searched the radio! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.

Police are still trying to decide if searching radios is a crime, but attorney Barbara Greene has volunteered to defend the doctor if it comes to trial.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one vagabond.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Mick Scirica was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the brats who was present.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one kid parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Davis family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Davis parked in front of the house of Jennifer Taylor who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.