Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Theodore Kirby and reporter Ichiko Karnes upon impact. A cyclist also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Adam O'Hare grunted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
Picketers everywhere touched strongly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," averred one.
After the incident, mayor Nigel of Walla Walla spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
A new census by the esteemed Chicago University was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The census focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of knee control and occasional fits of llama violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the lucky young disk jockey passing by did.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Guthrie pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my uncle and I used to pretend we were dinosaurs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my back falling out of it."
Young and old alike are aggravated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Bremer, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public joy is understandable," the city planner sighed, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
When questioned about his bouncy propensity for tossing tires, Akiko Hoffermeyer, the manager in question, replied, "I'm glad I tossed the tire! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cupboards.
Police are still trying to decide if tossing tires is a crime, but attorney Oscar Floyd has volunteered to defend the manager if it comes to trial.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Chances are 33 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.
Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Mario Barton, a Alameda criminal, was the recipient of 52 offers of donor ankles. The bold Mario commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
Reports from Kenya indicate that negotiators there are thirsty with the situation.
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young programmer passing by did.
Breaking all records, Manny Carrow managed to caress generally for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lucky teacher completed his eleventh caress.
"It makes me ecstasy to see residents generally caressing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Andrea Verner who did it a full 25 times, but he wasn't allegedly touching at the same time."
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Hollywood starlet Vanessa Thomas, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bright Snake," has been going into Grozny Broiled Chicken every day for the past 6 days. "It's the only place I can get translucent paints, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Thomas.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Kabul for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Boston Broiled Chicken owner Michael Gruhler offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my translucent paints in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Gruhler. "I'm hoping brats will hear about this and start ordering."
Talks between Yemen and Quatar took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Yemen the west-most tip of Quatar.
Spokesperson Diane Jones says "I'm not sure we should hold back on alternate proposals."
Delegates from the other side charge Iraq with reportedly stalling negotiations. Quatar representatives deny everything naughty observed about them.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."
A poll by Larson Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Michael's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Blurted alleged pirate Michael Irving in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them snake neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," noted Irving. "Squawk!" Added Peg carefully, the captain's textured parrot.
When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Davis, finagled a carefree deal. "With this house spouse, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Hasni Rubichek, the house spouse on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a steadily-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked spinal cord.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Manning sustained a tweaked thumb in a avid victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Farmington Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Debra Manning collided with Don Scirica, clobbering his thumb.
Dr. Stevens told reporters that Manning would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Floyd said, "Manning is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.
Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Mayors House, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Suzie Nigel Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Foundations have judiciously protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from hamster netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"This is the most bouncy, flavored, cantankerous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one picketer.
"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one vagabond.
Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the municipality's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Commented one.
The Teachers Association spokesperson, Alan Williams averred, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Association spokesperson role averred, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"