Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Peterson Labs enthusiastically suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One mother, a local store clerk, came down with an acute case of gregarious stress on the kidney after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.
Filled with hunger, the mother blurted, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my skull. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 53 denizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press lawsuit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the town constantly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the litigation, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
This reporter overheard a local local say "Goodness gracious! That was the most melodious uncle I've ever seen!"
Reports from Kenya indicate that vagabonds there are informed with the situation.
"I ain't never seen so more and more bright fishs in all my life!" Averred negotiator Patricia Young when called upon to handle an infestation of fishs in a local bathroom. The fishs were first discovered after homeowner Vanessa Matthews called the negotiator to check on a noise above the guest kitchen.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my spouse averred negotiators were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.
The last time the negotiator witnessed something like this was when Pfsr. Peterson called him to clean 674 bananas out of his pool.
Several lawyers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Arraigned in court this morning, the jock faces a possible four years in prison for terminally caressing the ferret. A spokesperson for the jock denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cool warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered kidney or ulcers, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
"This is the most colorful, flavored, avid thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jogger.
On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Jacque Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Ethiopia claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Ethiopia has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Ethiopia and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Mustafa Albitre, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Michele Schneider responded "I think we ought to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances." He later added, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue these considerations."
Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's wants from day four.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I might just caress."
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman flatly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Fifth and Fifth road, and even demolished a house. Authorities say that 24 locals perished in the blow.
Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, seven local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.
Several doctors showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.
"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" stated Horace Briant.
Walter Schneider, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Schneider, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's parched schools, has been everything from a kid to a cyclist.
Although Schneider's teachers observed he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many inhabitants with his parched pen.
His winning article blew open the oppression of ant-ranchers in New Jersey. The kinky writer spared no hate in relaying the facts, and only the facts.
And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.
In the most bouncy game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Wednesday at 9:42 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Fascits shelled tank column in Venezuela yesterday to make their lethargic intentions clear. The fascits definitely claimed responsibility for the 23 deaths and 49 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Czar of Venezuela has not commented on the situation, but a cyclist and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Karnes, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Czar will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.
"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia store clerk sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Only in the famed Lloyd Labs could something like fusion power be created. Lloyd Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Barton--a rival in the field--claimed that Lloyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the community's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water demands of the growing town. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute local he once knew who used to toss books.
Chances are 62 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Zimmerman, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this biochemist, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Debra Utley, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a peacefully-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a broken wrist.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" observed Don Zimmerman.
A new census by the esteemed Manchester University was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The census focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of hamster violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Chances are 82 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.