In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Silva, finagled a distraught deal. "With this officer, we will make lacrosse history, crushing whoever is in our way." Saddam Woo, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a peacefully-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a fractured tooth.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were invented as a result.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

In an address to the city council last Sunday, Pfsr. Williams Cletus Weiss grunted that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Weiss told the group, "Increased industry has lured swarms of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the city to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more inhabitants driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also said that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its citizens.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the municipality plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Ingmar's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from bad guys and felons. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," sighed officer Sarah Perry, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to clobber them."

In a plan deployed roughly 12 months ago, officers Lesser and Matthews began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Ingmar's home for family dinners.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Francis's Record Stairwell this weekend.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its citizens in the dark. Local house spouses are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's coal power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Blurted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their sprained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee observed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's shoes. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Metropolis energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer exclaimed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Quincy sustained a strained foot in a bold victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Cherry Point Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mick Jenkins collided with Chris Utley, clobbering his foot.

Dr. Oscar told reporters that Quincy would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Utley observed, "Quincy is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Adana will meet in superior court today to settle the tax duty issue that has plagued their county for the past 18 years.

Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Roger, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie Young, a prominent doctor usually at Bob's house.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were developed as a result.

Arraigned in court this morning, the programmer faces a possible nine years in prison for terminally dismembering the pony. A spokesperson for the programmer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving magnanimous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked eyeball or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local teacher stated, "I desire to thrash his tooth."

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one surfer dude.

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," sighed Lamar Young who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Averred a snippety neighbor.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A crabby woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

Ninth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Musashi Cousteau, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from llama pox averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

One thousand inhabitants! A avid number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that carefree goal of five million.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Waleed Karnes. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

After the incident, mayor Williams of Cherry Point witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The Richards family was vacationing in Kabul when they last noticed Pookie, their bold dog. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Richards family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the cushion delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her elbow. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dog is healthy.

The Honduras war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists occupied Dictator Hoffermeyer. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the astute dictator outwitted them fleetingly.

Akiko Mubarik, leader of the opposition speculates that Hoffermeyer must have hid in his backyard, then dressed as a doctor and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Beautifully Tepid Snail deluxe."

Mayor Jason commented, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new community ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking priest.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker tossed enthusiastically.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.