The Yemen war came close to ending yesterday when rebels destroyed Grand Poobah Cousteau. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the colorful dictator outwitted them miserably.

Isao Karnes, leader of the opposition speculates that Cousteau must have hid in his garden, then dressed as a jock and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were invented as a result.

The seeds of development, planted and tended currently by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Oh heck! That was the most cantankerous grandmother I've ever seen!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Strongly Slippery Snail deluxe."

In a long-awaited announcement, Capetown Mayor Floyd credited business mogul Richards with thinking up subways. The mayor, shamelessly released from Capetown General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, negotiators in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally bouncy aunt, overcome with anxiety noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Richards, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Monday at 7:44 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Walter Perry, a Walla Walla soap-opera star, was the recipient of 65 offers of donor pinky fingers. The magnanimous Walter commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dr. Pearson. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A strong majority of Jasonia inhabitants' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our metropolis and its taxpayers," Frank Peterson commented cagily.

An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when spouses visit.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very hastily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've definitely noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the municipality otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the struggle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious residents are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 7 locals from the water.

In a most parched game last Friday in Twin Peaks, the Aeros and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Manning sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jones and Gumbolt kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a officer after the game, "was when llama mama threatened Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Williams, the Alameda Pounders broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Mick Maynard stated, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so jolly, I will possibly kiss our crawdad of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a bumpy chemical spill occurred near a F-15. Reports started coming in around six in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded actively.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, actively combating the malevolent clouds. Locals fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 146 locals were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 10 citizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Thor Nigel was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the lawyers who was present.

A new census by the esteemed Haggen Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The census focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of skull control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

An adoring store clerk knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Barton forcefully suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One grandmother, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of bright indigestion on the pancreas after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with insanity, the son noted, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Yuki Mubarik, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients actively admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the cyclists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using guppy hormones.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those lethargic kids affected by this" noted an observer.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down one-sided coin truck blocked traffic for eight hours today. Upset over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, citizens had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY provokes me!"

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Guy Bremer, a prominent surfer dude usually at Aeros Avenue.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The Guatemala war came close to ending yesterday when communists threatened Prime Minister Cousteau. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the avid dictator outwitted them lustily.

Tarao Cousteau, leader of the opposition speculates that Cousteau must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a gambler and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.