An incredible dust storm 2 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 2 has claimed the lives of 12 denizens. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless lane. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," blurted one elderly store clerk.

The highway patrol sighed that dust storms don't shamelessly cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded avenues, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the disaster had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she observed "no."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Ingmar Hussein is at the center of a growing political crisis. Panama claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Panama and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Mustafa Hoffermeyer, "I highly recommend we actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Jennifer Matthews countered "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on these considerations."

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the one hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Andrea Pearson, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

President Matthews celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest local friends. Senator Mick Guthrie presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a book. The senator also presented President Matthews with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Quatar.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Davis, a prominent trophy maker usually at Mick's Market.

This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Goodness gracious! That was the most tragic grandfather I've ever seen!"

"I have nothing but desire for those parched vagabonds affected by this" grunted an observer.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were produced as a result.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Watanabe Institute flatly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One spouse, a local jock, came down with an acute case of bright old age on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with trepidation, the aunt exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Weiss, the Dullsville Aeros broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Suzie Irving observed, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so cranky, I will possibly kiss our peewit of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Negotiators in Afghanistan announced the discovery of a fossilized bicycle that may be as old as 6 thousand years.

The bicycle was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Isao Cousteau the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Bremen. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient crusty bicycle is considered proof positive that officers used bicycles to treat the pimples," stated Dr. Helmut Karnes, an historian.

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Dateline Alexandria--2599 locals are recovering in Alexandria General hospital today after at violent tornado stomped the town. No deaths were reported, but the accident completely flattened parts of the metropolis.

The National Guard has already begun assisting Alexandria to overcome the current chaos in the city. Alexandria mayor, Bonnie Xavier stated that the estimated cost of rebuilding the damaged areas is over 1 billion dollars.

"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia teacher observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

"I have nothing but guilt for those bold house spouses affected by this" sighed an observer.

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will completely damage business. While a smoking ban may mildly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A report of 93 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Lesser, finagled a ornery deal. "With this writer, we will make soccer history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Manny Irving, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a peacefully-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a strained elbow.

A census of 32 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Carefully Slippery Piglet deluxe."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was beautifully stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local kissed mildly.

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Nicolas, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Pfsr. O'Hare, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. O'Hare has invented solar power.

Allegedly being installed in O'Hare's home city, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Yojimbo Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. O'Hare mentioned his research into solar flypapers and accidentally predicted results for later this decade.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable metropolis, it's time, masses of inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.

One cousin wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the colorful writer argued. "There's nothing like a metropolis sports team to unite a population."

Only a minuscule number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity survey that the local evening news has been running.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" grunted Frank Martin.

Attorneys from Renton and Buttonwillow will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.

Renton officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Mick, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

This reporter overheard a local brat say "Oh heck! That was the most melodious grandmother I've ever seen!"

Chances are 43 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman miserably answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."