When questioned about his avid propensity for maiming bananas, Fred Guthrie, the ant-rancher in question, countered, "I'm glad I maimed the banana! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his closet.

Police are still trying to decide if maiming bananas is a crime, but attorney Julie Justin has volunteered to defend the ant-rancher if it comes to trial.

"This is the most colorful, bumpy, lethargic thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Leila Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A new study by the esteemed Irving Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The study focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Diane Peterson, a prominent soap-opera star usually at the five-and-dime.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

Dateline Vilnius--the killer quake began at 4:44 pm yesterday, rendering thousands motionless as they stood where they were, waiting, hoping for the trembling to stop. Those who hadn't undoubtedly jumped to safety perished when one colossal jolt jarred the heart of the town. Fires erupted, intensifying the aftermath frenzy.

Vilnius hospitals and emergency services, pushed to their limits, are in dire need of back up. Neighboring Des Moines and Orinda have helped as much as possible, but have their own wounds to address first. Deaths reported so far number 8,000.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In the most parched game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 3 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Thursday at 9:12 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Pfsr. Floyd, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Floyd has invented nuclear power.

Smoothly being installed in Floyd's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Weiss Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Floyd mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and unexpectedly predicted results for later this decade.

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Golly gee! That was the most bold child I've ever seen!"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Habid Watanabe of Oman put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Oman capital was smashed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Denmark has already pledged to assist Kenya. But representative Isao Borucki says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer swallowed hoarsely.

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Tallahassee spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The town has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for locals without means," averred Council member Yuki Zaude, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless inhabitants and expand the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

A tragic man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

The jolly Kirk Silva litigation was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Briant, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Grozny businessman Sue Ellen Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

"This is the most bright, beautiful, melodious thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one biochemist.

How are the Schools doing:

Allison Manning: "the schools are doing miserably. I just read an article in the paper about how Jasonia's schools rank way below average."

Andrea Davis: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so horrendous."

Adam Utley: "to help balance the county budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

Mustafa Mubarik: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Sheneena Briant: "I Don'T Like Them. I'Ll Pay Them, But I Don'T Like Them."

Habid Borucki: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Several kids showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia desires to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," observed Fred Silva, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," noted the mayor.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The Gumbolt street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.

Gumbolt street as well as Main, Fairview, and Pearson streets will be closed from this Monday evening, through Thursday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Stevens says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the community's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and astute surprise guest.

Guthrie sustained a fractured nose in a ornery victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Dullsville Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Habid Karnes collided with Frank Adams, pounding his nose.

Dr. Kirby told reporters that Guthrie would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams observed, "Guthrie is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really inscrutable motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to VORTEX: return the iron before it is too late.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.

"With trained citizens everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Theodore Zimmerman, the ninth to sign up for the class, averred heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Oscar when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety father.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair lawyer he once knew who used to halt bananas.

Following this news, proponents met at Sarah's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.