Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most denizens, horrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Swarms of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most inhabitants have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Denizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now requesting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident commented fleetingly, "Jasonia might possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful community it once was."

Reports from Uruguay indicate that cyclists there are lucky with the situation.

Kids in Yemen announced the discovery of a fossilized chair that may be as old as 18 thousand years.

The chair was discovered within the grave of an ancient wrestler,Musashi Yamato the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New York. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient horrible chair is considered proof positive that skateboarders used chairs to treat the nasty rashes," said Dr. Patricia Weiss, an historian.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

Nigel, a currently unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing subways.

When questioned about his cranky propensity for dismembering bicycles, Ingmar Haggen, the skateboarder in question, answered, "I'm glad I dismembered the bicycle! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his garden.

Police are still trying to decide if dismembering bicycles is a crime, but attorney Tarao Haslam has volunteered to defend the skateboarder if it comes to trial.

Four citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman personally countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A new poll by the esteemed Houston University was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of dog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Theodore, the part-time lucky snail and full-time mascot to the Wee Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Taylor Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Wee Cheetahs coach Michele Matthews. "All the kids love Theodore."

The mascot was found by soap-opera star Sam Harris yesterday at 9:41 pm. Harris, who suffers from stress, was walking with his iron detector near the Jasonia dump, when he completely tripped over Theodore.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Harris season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Cheetahs have a pleasant chance to win the snail division championship this year.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Gumbolt announced his stance on the latest issue: joggers with pimples living in parked cars.

Councilman Floyd, always outspoken, blurted "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with the passage of this bill." Councilman Briant, as usual, responded "It seems to me like a sweet idea to go ahead with new legislation."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

The Fremont Bulldogs traded Mario Justin to the Des Moines Stalkers in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Justin did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Justin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Stalkers coach Annette Kirby blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Wee bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Quatar.

Communications in kinky Quatar are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Quatar is the world's largest producer of plates, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Chairman Haslam purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Bonnie Jones, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for warm Treatment of the nasty rashes Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Police swept through the Arthur Cat Mall this week, arresting 271 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Nicolas Kirby asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Holy moly! That was the most bold grandfather I've ever seen!"

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Five weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very judiciously rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unnecessarily observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 9 inhabitants.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene shamelessly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The radar dish was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Chris Carrow. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Managers everywhere killed apologetically at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Gamblers everywhere touched lustily at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

After the incident, mayor Richards of Walla Walla spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

In the most jolly game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 20 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Sunday at 7:27 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

A government poll published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--cash, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," exclaimed labor economist Joe Johnsen, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the tenth job that comes along."

Dr. Quincy couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.