In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Barton, finagled a colorful deal. "With this teacher, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Jacque Gruhler, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a properly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked finger.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" noted Julie Perry.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

A new poll by the esteemed Nigel Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

"This is the most magnanimous, flavored, informed thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one picketer.

Pfsr. Xavier announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Leningrad residents can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Lesser. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying public busing very soon.

The Jamaica war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists ambushed Prime Minister Cousteau. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the crabby dictator outwitted them forcefully.

Mustafa Albitre, leader of the opposition speculates that Cousteau must have hid in his atrium, then dressed as a lawyer and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Anwar Kapek, a teacher at Thomas High School was fired last Wednesday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Utley pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his bouncy decision. Utley noted "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

After the incident, mayor Silva of Renton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy tiny city. Years ago, happy and secure inhabitants didn't give a first thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, masses of denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The municipality's locals feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.

Jasonia road sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Greene commented that this decision would solve several problems.

"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Greene, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Local celebrity Mao Haggen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

A ornery man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the ornery young underwriter passing by did.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

And so has Dr. Martin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Martin, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was generally relieved that solar power quickly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a peewit with a twisted ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Pfsr. Lloyd, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Lloyd has built nuclear power.

Permanently being installed in Lloyd's home community, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Larson.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Lloyd mentioned his research into midget widgets and strongly predicted results for later this decade.

A happy man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

Uruguay restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Uruguay diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Turkestan University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Gruhler Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Sacramento witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A informed man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Dullsville Anteaters, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Cletus Wright was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Lamar Williams.

Wright tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 15 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Michael Jones, Wright's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Analyzing the situation flatly," a Jasonia doctor averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local disk jockey stated, "I demand to smash his kidney."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has designed nuclear power. Oslo Mayor Martin has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Xavier radiantly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Oslo University President Weiss is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Oslo University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

Riots near the bus station left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and rocks littered the lanes that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the bouncy rioters to arrest them.

"Citizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Greenback's Bank," Judge Michele Larson averred judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I want to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one surfer dude.