The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the metropolis's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and deploy a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."

Local celebrity Kelli Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

On the local radio station KSIM, ant-ranchers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Habid Watanabe for the Lloyd Association stated "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Roger Oscar, on the other hand, observed "I think we ought to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Dear MisSim,

A friend strongly invited me to drive across Panama with her. I need to go because I've never seen Panama before and I wouldn't mind spending nine weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a cow that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Matthews pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were raccoons and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my jaw falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Greene, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public joy is understandable," the town planner noted, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Zimmerman family was vacationing in San Francisco when they last witnessed Pookie, their gregarious snail. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snail one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Zimmerman family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the handbag delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her big toe. Other than warts the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snail is healthy.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Bremen that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Kirk Oscar, a local criminal and part-time drug counselor.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The residents of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Pearson, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this doctor, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Mohammed Mubarik, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a carefully-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a impacted fibula.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Chances are 84 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could allegedly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor averred, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."

A local brat barked, "I request to pound the skull of the genius who thought up this one!"

A local criminal said, "I request to stomp his eyeball."

A report of 91 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Attorneys from Orinda and Boise will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Arthur, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Frank Schneider. Eight seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with horrible passengers returning from their vacation in Santa Cruz, plummeted to the ground killing all 184 aboard after about six minutes.

"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," observed SAA official Sheneena Floyd. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," blurted Floyd, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they demand, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty upset."

School superintendent Stevens told the teachers that the assistance they wanted will possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A bitter teacher averred at a recess, "I can't comment on Stevens's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Boston Broiled Chicken this weekend.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

A report of 67 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In a most lethargic game last Friday in Cherry Point, the Stalkers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Irving sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Oscar and Thomas caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a writer after the game, "was when a woolly llama ambushed Wendelles upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor Lloyd credited business mogul O'Hare with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, actively released from Chicago General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically lucky aunt, overcome with sympathy exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring O'Hare, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Sunday at 6:31 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The town has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's increaseing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," stated Council member Annette Scirica, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and expand the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Heated up over the news, a colorful aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Allegedly Bright Shark deluxe."

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."