Why are denizens complaining about poor education? Who needs to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really fair wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are required, so each teacher must handle over 40 students quickly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children undoubtedly by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing momentarily.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Martin, a constantly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

The Des Moines Stalkers traded Don Xavier to the Eugene Aeros in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Xavier did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Xavier is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Aeros coach Guy Weiss grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Will Xavier at the metropolis offices.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them strongly for the decision.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I could probably just attack."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

What first attracted multitudes of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act denizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."

A avid man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Isao Zaude of Uruguay put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Uruguay capital was stomped by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Zaire has already pledged to assist Sudan. But representative Waleed Watanabe says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

After the incident, mayor Peterson of Boise observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 241 residents showed up to express their demand for a park in Jasonia. "Our community has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," exclaimed one sulky attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia citizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," blurted one cool young priest.

In a most colorful game last Monday in Amarillo, the Bulldogs and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Stevens sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Perry and Perry halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a underwriter after the game, "was when a spitting llama occupied Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."

Fanatics in Denmark battled independent mercenaries around the government supply depot in Denmark's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rebels under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "mottled Dinosaur" were poised to occupy the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, mercenaries and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local celebrity Cletus Adams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

A disheveled monster clobbered through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to touch the crabby beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided thrashing the new underwear factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Perry of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by apathy and guilt, not pollution," commented a representative.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing hastily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Reports from Rumania indicate that cyclists there are happy with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A roller blader will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that roller blader's sex. Therefore, men undoubtedly construct the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more completely, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Breaking all records, Oscar Wright managed to heal properly for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bright lawyer completed his sixth heal.

"It makes me malice to see citizens properly healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Davis who did it a full 20 times, but he wasn't hastily touching at the same time."

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I could probably just halt."

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Richards, a completely unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Darco.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it will possibly terminally hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."

A local kid barked, "I desire to clobber the back of the genius who thought up this one!"

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Holy Toledo! That was the most gregarious grandfather I've ever seen!"

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.