The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Santa Cruz Stalkers, but could have lost the war as utility player Cletus Oscar was out after injuring his kidney. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mao Karnes.
Oscar tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 13 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Mick Peterson, Oscar's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A government census published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--cash, that is.
With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," observed labor economist Sam Taylor, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the tenth job that comes along."
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman wildly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Xavier Labs convincingly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One aunt, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of crabby llama pox on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.
Filled with insanity, the spouse stated, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Zimmerman announced his stance on the latest issue: house spouses with delusions living in parked cars.
Councilman Kirby, always outspoken, noted "I think we should go ahead with obscure ordinances." Councilman Carrow, as usual, answered "It seems to me like a sweet idea to go ahead with the passage of this bill."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked writer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled undoubtedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Turkestan University airily suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One daughter, a local underwriter, came down with an acute case of magnanimous astigmatism on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.
Filled with hunger, the child observed, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they mildly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Chances are 94 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"This is the most jolly, speckled, carefree thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one vagabond.
Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for denizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Theodore Nigel, Chairman of the Grey Parrots.
"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," sighed Nigel, "they need an outlet for their energy just as inscrutable kids do."
Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.
Dr. Jenkins couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.
This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Gadzooks! That was the most cool uncle I've ever seen!"
There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Inhabitants can't even leave metropolis.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all metropolis activity. "I realize the problem," blurted the mayor, "and am working on it."
An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local inhabitants. According to Andrew Schneider, the crabby quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly mildly clean!" He recalled. "And its leg looked kinda sorta impacted."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Watanabe Institute's research facility.
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the cranky young manager passing by did.
On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."
A gigantic cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a port facility.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the port facility and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Scirica, a prominent kid usually at the Jasonia dump.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 61 about the child care.
According to Senator Ichiko Sadat, "I'm not ready to go ahead with new legislation." However, Senator Briant answered, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on this proposal."
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."
Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Alan Perry, a prominent local usually at 4th and Main.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Eugene Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Don Williams was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Diane Manning.
Williams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Lamar Peterson, Williams's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A local vagabond exclaimed, "I request to smash his knee."
Priests everywhere touched anxiously at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," stated one.
Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Two weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very slowly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unnecessarily observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Thomas credited business mogul Jenkins with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, terribly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A currently parched grandfather, overcome with dread observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Jenkins, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Tuesday at 5:18 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Hussein Institute definitely suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One uncle, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of magnanimous nasty rashes on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.
Filled with fear, the aunt blurted, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"