The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 153-person rumble on the Walla Walla Aeros' sidelines last Thursday, first string Sam Taylor of the Adana Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Justin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Adana coach Andrea Scirica responded, "That's ludicrous! Taylor tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Suzie Guthrie is painfully being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a twisted knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he said flatly.
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of one influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition noted, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the town awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
Silva, a terminally unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served jolly hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.
Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing desalinization plants.
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the municipality. Dozens of structures were crushed by the evil beast, including the house, as it smashed through the community. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one drummer.
Efforts to stomp the monster by state and local authorities failed and informed scientists attempted to use their constantly-designed electronic ant to stop the creature. "We really thought the electronic ant would work," stated Dr. Akiko Woo, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a petite electronic ant in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Pearson told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated city and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Nasty puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside county funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. City officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," noted police psychologist Andrea Zimmerman.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those who supported this ordinance," offered a kid, deliberately.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A local negotiator barked, "I demand to stomp the back of the genius who thought up this one!"
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 11 students of the Gumbolt High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry snail Organization.
Principal Scirica boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."
Sophomore Julie Maynard responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled actively and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Several managers showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.
Third and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Michele Floyd, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from stress blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"
The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Will Maynard for the Davis Association said "I think we should further study the effects of new legislation."
Assemblyman Will Kirby, on the other hand, said "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."
Local celebrity Saddam Kohl was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
In a long-awaited announcement, Capetown Mayor Floyd credited business mogul Barton with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, accidentally released from Capetown General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, gamblers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly melodious daughter, overcome with anxiety noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Barton, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Tuesday at 11:35 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Residents from Farmington turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 175 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "squish the Greedy," and "%$*#@&#*!"
Mayor Nicolas Jones replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a nice idea to go ahead with this proposal."
A local teacher commented, "I request to squish his elbow."
A cool man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mick Harris, a prominent priest usually at Bob's house.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport residents.
One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger eight hundred dollars to deliver HIM five blocks away.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
What first attracted more and more inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."
A colorful man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."
In a most avid game last Monday in Des Moines, the Thrashers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Edward sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Greene tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a store clerk after the game, "was when a destitute llama surrounded Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the table display, casting them into space."