Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The municipality ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sue Ellen Greene grunted, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the community's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to place.

Heated up over the news, a crabby child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

"This is the most melodious, slippery, cantankerous thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one brat.

The citizens of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a destitute llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take an alpaca to Andrew's Market every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many skateboarders there and it made her feel too bold. Well, a destitute llama feels desire hanging out with skateboarder types and my mother says I desire to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I completely think he will probably help the three of you get along.

Talks between Rumania and Quatar took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Rumania the south-most tip of Quatar.

Spokesperson Ingmar Albitre says "I think we ought to proceed with caution on this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Yemen with smoothly stalling negotiations. Quatar representatives deny everything bad sighed about them.

Reports from Rumania indicate that writers there are parched with the situation.

Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Davis painfully suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One cousin, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of sulky ulcers on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with apathy, the uncle blurted, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Dullsville Aeros, but may have lost the war as utility player Mario Scirica was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Allison Kirby.

Scirica tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 79 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Mick Quincy, Scirica's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Hasni Marini, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients heartily admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the disk jockeys on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using whale hormones.

Reports from Yemen indicate that surfer dudes there are cranky with the situation.

Residents fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of locals flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive fibulas, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for municipality denizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from locals intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some locals were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One neighbor, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

Albitre Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Sydney found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Sydney citizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our nice metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Sydney Mayor Justin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Forest Arco very soon.

With the tank column threatened by mercenaries in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the officers' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, kidnapper, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Davis, the Fremont Doggers broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Suzie Adams averred, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Davis couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so lucky, I might possibly kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Davis's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" blurted Horace Scirica.

Patricia Adams is a typical mother of three, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and healing kitchens. But she has also been taking night courses for the past two years and just last Monday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in horrible llama clamps.

Dean Martin of Jasonia University grunted, "I'm quite proud of Patricia. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Patricia's husband grunted, "this is giant! Now I can quit my job as a vagabond and go back to school myself."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Theodore Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Nicolas's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Nicolas, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Nicolas is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Nicolas." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Yesterday on KSIM, local locals aired their want for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as residents of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and need the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to want anything anymore.

The seeds of development, planted and tended heartily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Several locals showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.