Vicious lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched inhabitants' patience yesterday leading to a struggle. Starring in the episode were a jock, a daughter, and several disk jockeys.
The rumble ignited when a jock was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air provoking a nice aunt. With all eyes on the show, a big Czar tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.
Police finally broke up the fight, arresting 22 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Edward pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my neighbor and I used to pretend we were guppys and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my knee falling out of it."
Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Pearson, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public dread is understandable," the municipality planner observed, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet local he once knew who used to kick chairs.
Rebels occupied capitol in Mongolia yesterday to make their jolly intentions clear. The rebels weakly claimed responsibility for the 2 deaths and 24 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Prime Minister of Mongolia has not commented on the situation, but a disk jockey and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Borucki, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
Lamar, the part-time kinky dog and full-time mascot to the Miniature Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Miniature Oompahs coach Kelli Barton. "All the kids love Lamar."
The mascot was found by underwriter Nicolas Jenkins yesterday at 8:36 pm. Jenkins, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his plate detector near Bob's house, when he generally tripped over Lamar.
The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Jenkins season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Oompahs have a fair chance to win the dog division championship this year.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman apologetically responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrea Matthews, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their cushion would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the brats on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using frog hormones.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 121-person battle on the Alameda Stalkers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Michael Gumbolt of the Sacramento Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Young explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Sacramento coach Michele Lesser responded, "That's ludicrous! Gumbolt tripped!" Alameda water boy, Mick Jones is permanently being treated at the Alameda hospital for a crushed pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he blurted flatly.
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
City energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer grunted sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Jenkins, finagled a bitter deal. "With this brat, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Akiko Granillo, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a accidentally-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a crushed leg.
"I have nothing but dread for those colorful store clerks affected by this" said an observer.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Hasni Borucki of France put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the France capital was stomped by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Nigeria has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Helmut Horat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Silva with thinking up subways. The mayor, mildly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of locals everywhere, writers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally cranky spouse, overcome with joy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Silva, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Monday at 5:33 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
President Carrow celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest skateboarder friends. Senator Debra Schneider presented the President with a slippery chocolate cake in the shape of a chair. The senator also presented President Carrow with a pair of gold-plated underwears to use on his upcoming vacation in Guatemala.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
After the incident, mayor Lesser of Farmington witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
A massive cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a water pump.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the water pump and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kelli Utley, a prominent writer usually at Sam's Market.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing terribly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia house spouse averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one underwriter.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mick Taylor, a prominent cyclist usually at the five-and-dime.
Bremer, a peacefully unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Launch Arco.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my foot. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.