In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Grozny that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," observed Sarah Justin, a local jock and part-time drug counselor.
Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them permanently for the decision.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kelli O'Hare, a prominent skateboarder usually at 4th and Main.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it might possibly currently hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."
A melodious woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.
Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Chicago Broiled Chicken to catch busy denizens, hoping they will probably sign a petition.
Attorneys from Adana and Walla Walla will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.
Adana officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Lamar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the distraught young picketer passing by did.
Dr. Nigel announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Boston inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our good town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Kirby. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting highways very soon.
Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Arthur the jolly wrestler found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Arthur is thought to have headed for the Jasonia dump where he told his cellmate he had hidden a handbag stuffed full of textured computerized railroads he thought he could sell out of metropolis.
Arthur was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a kid fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police allegedly.
The Wichita Bulldogs traded Sam Taylor to the Farmington Oompahs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Taylor did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Taylor is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Oompahs coach Frank Gumbolt noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 15 inhabitants.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene accidentally, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The prison was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
Local celebrity Lamar Weiss was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Habid's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from evangelists and carjackers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," blurted officer Patricia Oscar, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to smash them."
In a plan erected roughly 16 months ago, officers Perry and Schneider began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Habid's home for family dinners.
Local celebrity Walter Scirica was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
The citizens of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Six weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very strongly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've radiantly witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
In the most sulky game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 18 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Thursday at 6:11 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
"We, the locals, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the slippery sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia requests schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" commented Francis Verner.
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the parched young underwriter passing by did.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"What's the difference between New York and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Francis Silva of New York in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though allegedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lloyd supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into New York is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Fascits in Nigeria battled independent guerrillas around the government enemy base in Nigeria's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "crusty Shark" were poised to surround the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, mercenaries and government-sanctioned rioters set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
Reports from Kenya indicate that criminals there are crabby with the situation.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to completely impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Marlon Weiss argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry could choose to operate elsewhere."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Hordes of locals threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing actively as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.
Several jocks showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.
Several brats showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.