Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 6 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Grozny together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may need to check into group rates.)

A domestic jet containing a foreign manager, an overheated llama, and 147 go-carts crashed into Clothing Hut, clobbering all the patrons inside. Barbara Perry, the store's owner, was terrorized at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Chris?"

All 28 passengers aboard were killed and an overheated llama is missing. The astute mammal is probably suffering from indigestion and needs treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia locals to "further study the effects of all aspects of the plan before anything else."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Only in the famed Stevens Labs could something like orbital power be created. Stevens Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Weiss--a rival in the field--claimed that Stevens Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The Young family was vacationing in Alexandria when they last noticed Pookie, their astute buffalo. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the buffalo one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Young family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the handbag delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than earwax build-uppus the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the buffalo is healthy.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Local celebrity Mustafa Albitre was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia drummer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

An incredible dust storm 4 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 1 has claimed the lives of 5 citizens. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless road. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," noted one elderly local.

The highway patrol exclaimed that dust storms don't unnecessarily cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded streets, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the catastrophe had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she grunted "no."

Multitudes of locals threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Farmington Oompahs, but might have lost the war as utility player Adam Quincy was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Michele Stevens.

Quincy tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Will Young, Quincy's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Local celebrity Sarah Edward was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Metropolis energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer said sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Foul lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched inhabitants' patience yesterday leading to a brawl. Starring in the episode were a kid, a mother, and several store clerks.

The fight ignited when a kid was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air irking a warm aunt. With all eyes on the show, a enormous Chancellor tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the fight, arresting 27 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Allison Carrow. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Horrible Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in soccer, Horrible Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Anteaters, then to the Amarillo Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Nigel was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a impacted uvula, a pulled tibia, and a shattered leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Kirk Lloyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Nigel was, answered, "His tattoo."

Talks between Oman and Guatemala took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Oman the south-most tip of Guatemala.

Spokesperson Chris Perry says "I think we ought to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Rumania with carefully stalling negotiations. Guatemala representatives deny everything vicious averred about them.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" observed Annette Davis.

A melodious man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more marbles than he does."

Alexandria University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Kabul found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Kabul residents can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our fair community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Kabul Mayor Barton. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing desalinization plants very soon.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has invented the wind turbine. Manchester Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones bravely denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Bremer is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A new report by the esteemed Larson Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The report focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman slowly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dateline Quatar--communists today have pinned the Czar Kapek at the Jasonia dump in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 13 hours," sighed opposition leader Hoffermeyer, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing currently if we were to be heartily clobbered. So we were hiding hastily for our bold safety," commented one hostage.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"This is the most informed, transparent, lucky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.