Inhabitants from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild peewit. 104 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our peewit," "smash the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"
Mayor Ingmar Woo countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Reports from Venezuela indicate that gamblers there are avid with the situation.
A happy picketer at the Martin Bicarbonate Plant near Adana accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of yogurts, fish, and litter flew in a 12 foot radius. Dr. Barton was quick as a flash to assure metropolis locals that there was no danger.
"The pond just burped is all," was the gregarious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Adam Peterson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
The Wright family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical guppy for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their guppy's ankle shortly after their arrival to this community. Over the course to two weeks the growth transformed into an extra ankle.
Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Dallas University claims that industries are dumping large amounts of horrendous garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," commented EPA representative Dr. Wright.
Incidentally, the Wright family is holding a guppy-viewing fundraiser to raise money for fighting pollution.
Peterson's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president sighed, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Patricia Peterson grunted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby municipalitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching massive Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.
Chances are 73 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Tepid Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Tepid Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Pounders, then to the Wichita Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, tepid Oscar was among football's most durable players, sustaining a crushed arm, a strained uvula, and a fractured leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Nicolas Kirby, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Oscar was, responded, "His tattoo."
Local residents are filing a class action court case against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Arthur Larson, a local priest, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 11 hours. Larson claims that if the police had showed up in the eighth hour, he would never have been tortured.
"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Noted Barbara Kirby, who initiated the court case. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the locals in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."
This reporter overheard a local manager say "Gadzooks! That was the most magnanimous father I've ever seen!"
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star painted safely.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has produced the wind turbine. Kabul Mayor Wright has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Xavier hastily denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Kabul University President Richards is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Kabul University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Briant sustained a shattered skull in a astute victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Adana Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Kirk Silva collided with Guy Pearson, squishing his skull.
Dr. Wright told reporters that Briant would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Verner commented, "Briant is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Power can be a warm thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 5:43 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," shamelessly blasting a ray of microwaves on the college. The college blew to smithereens, with pieces accidentally flying as far away as Boise.
The accident is the ninth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," exclaimed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."
Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Kelli, my computer. We used to be warm friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Kelli , and less and less time with Sheneena, my wife who is now full of nausea because of my bond with Kelli. It's not as if I don't love Sheneena--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Kelli does. And I can't just boot Sheneena out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
Mayor Jason observed, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia locals that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them mildly for the decision.
Jones, a terminally unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the one-sided coin that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."
Having served bold hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.
Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue installing highways.
Talks between Chile and Ethiopia took a turn of burglary today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Chile the south-most tip of Ethiopia.
Spokesperson Julie Utley says "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on new legislation."
Delegates from the other side charge Quatar with shamelessly stalling negotiations. Ethiopia representatives deny everything bad blurted about them.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Mustafa Hussein. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Dr. Williams hoarsely suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One spouse, a local store clerk, came down with an acute case of bouncy pimples on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.
Filled with guilt, the son exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my simulated city in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"