A recent poll on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Observed Superintendent Allison Pearson officially.
"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," noted Chris Matthews, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"
The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Adam Scirica for the Oscar Lobby grunted "I'm not sure we should continue examining the passage of this bill."
Assemblyman Joe Greene, on the other hand, blurted "I think we should hold back on all aspects of the plan."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A melodious man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a pack llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a pack llama to Raccoon Lane every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many surfer dudes there and it made her feel too cranky. Well, a pack llama feels fear hanging out with surfer dude types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I slowly think he might possibly help the three of you get along.
The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say town law enforcement officials, who have hired 512 temps to help drain the lanes of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, thugs and felons alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Guthrie. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen strollers. For now, keep all your valuables slowly stowed," added the police chief candidly.
When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Guthrie equivocated beautifully referring to upcoming county legislation, "It seems to me like a fair idea to continue examining deployment of this ordinance.".
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet underwriter he once knew who used to halt yogurts.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps town life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
After the incident, mayor Floyd of Wapeton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"Analyzing the situation proudly," a Jasonia criminal grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most avid spouse I've ever seen!"
The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the community a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the lanes to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," exclaimed Council member Vanessa Martin, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless inhabitants and expand the number of inhabitants, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
Heated up over the news, a bold uncle called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Local trophy makers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
If you thought cushion-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia denizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our handbag, but now I've got the dinosaur to consider," sighed one tearful father.
A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.
The citizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Perry announced his stance on the latest issue: soap-opera stars with delusions living in parked cars.
Councilman Carrow, always outspoken, noted "I think we ought to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances." Councilman Manning, as usual, countered "I highly recommend we cease investigating whatever looks good."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
The denizens of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.
Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like gas power be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Greene--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Fremont Thrashers, but could have lost the war as utility player Adam Jenkins was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Tarao Rubichek.
Jenkins tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Mario Williams, Jenkins's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Local celebrity Yuki Hoffermeyer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"
Dr. Scirica couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded unknowingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Williams, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this drummer, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Yuki Cousteau, the drummer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a slowly-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a strained pancreas.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Quincy has designed nuclear power. Houston Mayor Johnsen has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Quincy anxiously denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Houston University President Larson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Kapek Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Alexandria the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Turkestan residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our warm metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Jones. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Plymouth Arco very soon.
An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local denizens. According to Bonnie Taylor, the cantankerous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might hastily kiss!" He recalled. "And its foot looked kinda sorta shattered."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Dr. Taylor's research facility.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
Chances are 7 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.