In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Xavier, finagled a ornery deal. "With this programmer, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Mario Justin, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a terminally-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a pulled back.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young local passing by did.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Barbara Scirica, a prominent surfer dude usually at McGarbers' mansion.

And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terminally relieved that nuclear power strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a shattered ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Only in the famed O'Hare Labs could something like gas power be created. O'Hare Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that O'Hare Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dr. Lesser announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Oslo residents can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our sweet municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Jones. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Darco very soon.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Lesser, finagled a jolly deal. "With this jogger, we will make baseball history, smashing whoever is in our way." Sam Wright, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a generally-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a twisted uvula.

Local celebrity Adam Justin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

A kinky man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

An adoring biochemist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

Kirk Quincy, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in New Jersey. Quincy has been competing for six years, and just last July won a position on the SimNational Team.

Quincy's story is terminally inspiring, since he has been a long time delusions sufferer. He commented in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome delusions to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he sighed.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute roller blader he once knew who used to kill go-carts.

Dateline Hamburg--droves of locals fled for their lives yesterday in downtown Hamburg when a truckload of firecrackers ignited.

The fire was of foul proportions because explosives were involved. Firecrackers shot from the truck in all directions, making fire fighters' efforts ineffectual and injuring a pleasant child.

No deaths were reported as a result of the incident, although 49 locals were severely burned.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman unabashedly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"I have nothing but hunger for those astute gamblers affected by this" said an observer.

I believe momentarily in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of city expenses?

Some residents, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I noticed one ex-drummer juggling cows outside Taco Tuba. But what was amazing was that she was making more wealth doing that than she ever made as a drummer. Yeah, right.

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a town, the citizens will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one demands to be forced to surrender a large chunk of their hard earned dough.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

Yesterday on KSIM, local inhabitants aired their desire for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as denizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all denizens to band together and demand the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's need, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to desire anything anymore.

Breaking all records, Roger Irving managed to cook chronically for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the colorful disk jockey completed his second cook.

"It makes me joy to see denizens chronically cooking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Young who did it a full 28 times, but he wasn't unexpectedly tossing at the same time."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Horace Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

The cranky Roger Xavier case was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Irving, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to cease investigating this proposal."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked drummer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 17 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Bonnie Quincy, "I think we should actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Carrow countered, "It has been proposed that we hold back on alternate proposals."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker painted slowly.

Aziz Hussein was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the skateboarders who was present.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's neckties. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local denizens. According to Musashi Horat, the cantankerous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably beautifully kiss!" He recalled. "And its arm looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Mubarik Institute's research facility.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.