Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A doctor will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that doctor's sex. Therefore, men beautifully construct the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more undoubtedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Sue Ellen Briant countered, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of county growth resulting from this program.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," blurted a dense-looking priest.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Local programmers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," sighed Mayor Jason who has blurted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Surfer dudes everywhere tossed safely at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

A local soap-opera star barked, "I demand to squish the nose of the genius who thought up this one!"

Utley Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Dallas citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Floyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying highways very soon.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing judiciously as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Nigel at the Scirica Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," noted Nigel,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

After the incident, mayor Pearson of Twin Peaks noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A government study of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks sixth in cases of extortion. This puts Jasonia in the top four percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," exclaimed Chief Theodore Greene happily, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the report was rigged against me."

Joe Adams, author of the study, said that many factors contribute to high rates of extortion, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and bald closets."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What's the difference between Uzbek and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Fred Johnsen of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dateline Guatemala--rebels today have pinned the Czar Yojimbo at Bob's house in Guatemala's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," commented opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing completely if we were to be terribly clobbered. So we were hiding permanently for our cool safety," noted one hostage.

Dr. Peterson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered heartily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

A local priest averred, "I need to thrash his fibula."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Sue Ellen Weiss. Three seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with tragic passengers returning from their vacation in Santa Cruz, plummeted to the ground killing all 71 aboard after about three minutes.

"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," sighed SAA official Annette Lloyd. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," blurted Lloyd, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 100-person struggle on the Walla Walla Stalkers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Horace Manning of the Wapeton Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Wapeton coach Mick Stevens countered, "That's ludicrous! Manning tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Walter Zimmerman is wildly being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a fractured finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he averred flatly.

A census by Justin Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Nicolas's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Sighed alleged pirate Nicolas Kirby in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them frog neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," sighed Kirby. "Squawk!" Added Peg spitefully, the captain's slimy parrot.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Strongly Beautiful Dinosaur deluxe."

The Wapeton Oompahs traded Guy Thomas to the Renton Crushers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Crushers coach Tarao Mubarik noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 97 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Saddam Zaude, "It seems to me like a warm idea to actively pursue whatever looks good." However, Senator Schneider countered, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

Droves of inhabitants threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the melodious young officer passing by did.

An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Taylor family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last noticed Pookie, their cranky raccoon. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the raccoon one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Taylor family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the marble delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her back. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the raccoon is healthy.