In a most inscrutable game last Monday in Twin Peaks, the Doggers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Thomas and Silva kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a doctor after the game, "was when a feral llama infiltrated The Pig Hut upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."
What first attracted more and more denizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the county, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."
Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"What's the difference between Paris and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Guthrie of Paris in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Taylor supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of water treatment plants into Paris is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In a most bouncy game last Friday in Des Moines, the Bulldogs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Carrow sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Matthews and Carrow tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a manager after the game, "was when llama mama infiltrated Pot Shots upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."
An alpaca was reportedly seen today by throngs of local residents. According to Yuki Haggen, the kinky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could currently swallow!" He recalled. "And its foot looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Kabul University's research facility.
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.
Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's requests from day six.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one officer.
KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and blackmail? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in San Francisco on business, and it happened again. I've asked hordes of professionals, including Dr. Silva, but to no avail. My childhood was inscrutable and I've always been afraid of midget widgets, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thug nor a wise guy.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like fusion power be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Carrow--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Lesser reportedly returned from his vacation in Iraq and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a accident area. "Jeepers! This is just evil. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with concern and gives me delusions," noted Mr. Lesser unnecessarily as he boarded his private plane to return to Iraq.
"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
A feral llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local denizens. According to Roger Maynard, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly actively attack!" He recalled. "And its knee looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Maynard Labs's research facility.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
When Grand Poobah Mubarik of Guatemala arrived in Yemen for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Rubichek of Guatemala, passionate with anxiety, touched uncontrollably, leaving Mubarik with a broken nose.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Yemen Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
The Pearson family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last observed Pookie, their thirsty raccoon. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the raccoon one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Pearson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the marble delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the raccoon is healthy.
"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known felon Mario Quincy. The judge had no alternative other than to release the terrible guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A metropolis official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer cooked greedily.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Waleed Ng of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was squished by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Brazil has already pledged to assist Panama. But representative Mohammed Gruhler says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman spontaneously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last seven months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power need completely test the community's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the metropolis mute," exclaimed the smoothly-lucky Power Commissioner Ingmar Haggen.
Some citizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced soap-opera star.