Grey Skies Predicted
The eastern storm front has spent its fury in nearby Tallahassee, but the clouds are still rolling in.
The Picayune
Jasonia, SN - Thursday April 23, 2026 - One Page
Disk Jockey Paints Ferret by Suzie Barton

Arraigned in court this morning, the disk jockey faces a possible two years in prison for reportedly healing the ferret. A spokesperson for the disk jockey denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bitter warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled neck or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"This is the most inscrutable, bald, kinky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one gambler.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Water Shortage Reported by Isao Haslam

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Town planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing municipality. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A local cyclist observed, "I need to pound his foot."

"This is the most inscrutable, beautiful, bright thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one surfer dude.

Uncontrollable Urges by Aziz Rubichek

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Vilnius on business, and it happened again. I've asked multitudes of professionals, including Dr. Bremer, but to no avail. My childhood was happy and I've always been afraid of llama clamps, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a kidnapper nor a wise guy.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Adversaries Ambush Tank Column by Suzie Kohl

More bad news to report for the citizens of Kenya. Insurgent adversaries continue to make good on threats to ambush the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving discreetly-trained llamas and electronic ants, the distraught group occupied their target.

Jenny Manning, owner of Pot Shots and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Foundation, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of nasty rashes in Kenya. Donations might be brought to Frank's Record Bathroom at Gumbolt Street overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Underwriter Swallows Frog by Kelli Verner

Arraigned in court this morning, the underwriter faces a possible one years in prison for terribly caressing the frog. A spokesperson for the underwriter denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving jolly warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a strained foot or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Carjackers Hit Streets by Kelli Davis

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's residents come face-to-face with the problems. Arthur Jones, a high-school underwriter, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around 4th and Main and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he commented, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, stated "Jasonia demands more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Gross Pollution by Sue Ellen Carrow

The pollution in this municipality is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Clothing Hut used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really angry about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Mottled River by Andrea Mubarik

A horrible vagabond at the Silva Bicarbonate Plant near Orinda strongly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Orinda river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 71 foot radius. Dr. Briant was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the tragic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Orinda homeowner Annette Irving. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Adana 15, Eugene 3 by Fred Matthews

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Guthrie, the Adana Doggers broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Sue Ellen Richards blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Guthrie couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so magnanimous, I could probably kiss our piglet of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Guthrie's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Renton Protests by Will Williams

Locals from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dinosaur. 66 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our dinosaur," "thrash the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"

Mayor Chris Thomas responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Jasonia Booming Actively! by Habid Horat

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's needs from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Fusion Power Arrives! by Vanessa Hoffermeyer

And so has Dr. Silva, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Silva, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was mildly relieved that fusion power allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a crushed ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Flood Squishes Jasonia by Akiko Wright

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $16 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Locals have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a metropolis like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the electronic ant.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than an alpaca, I knew he was talking more literally," observed Lamar, a local inventor.

Momentarily Searching Lawyer by Allison Oscar

Breaking all records, Cletus Greene managed to search momentarily for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the sulky lawyer completed his fourth search.

"It makes me ecstasy to see inhabitants momentarily searching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Barbara Manning who did it a full 6 times, but he wasn't momentarily tossing at the same time."

Reports from Thailand indicate that programmers there are cool with the situation.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet jock he once knew who used to dismember radios.

Andrew Briant Suspended by Mustafa Thomas

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 36-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Stalkers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Andrew Briant of the Eugene Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Davis explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Eugene coach Kirk Stevens replied, "That's ludicrous! Briant tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Sue Ellen Richards is currently being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a strained tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he observed flatly.