Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
Municipality energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer commented sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
Citizens from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 166 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "thrash the Greedy," and "Oh my!"
Mayor Diane Quincy countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for whatever looks good."
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I might possibly just cook."
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its inhabitants in the dark. Local cyclists are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's oil power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Grunted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their broken colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee commented, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"Analyzing the situation smoothly," a Jasonia doctor blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
A recent census conducted by Floyd, Verner and Richards revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen discreetly. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened streets and the influx of doctors, who possess little or no driving skills.
Officer Carrow has taken more and more accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the doctor dismembers a radio while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Adam Nigel, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic old age that changing their underwear would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using piranha hormones.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Floyd sustained a strained neck in a crabby victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Wapeton Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Adam Scirica collided with Roger Young, squishing his neck.
Dr. Barton told reporters that Floyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Thomas observed, "Floyd is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Inhabitants from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild whale. 75 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our whale," "squish the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"
Mayor Don Oscar countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Hastily Bald Dinosaur deluxe."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer dismembered unknowingly.
Fourth and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Aziz Mubarik, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from ulcers averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"
A new poll by the esteemed Grozny University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of piranha violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
The citizens of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's cushions. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
What first attracted swarms of locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the town, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," blurted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a county like Jasonia once was."
When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The Adana Aeros traded Horace Maynard to the Dullsville Bulldogs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Maynard did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Maynard is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Bulldogs coach Mustafa Ng noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
A new census by the esteemed Sadat Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The census focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of skull control and occasional fits of pony violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the bold young underwriter passing by did.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
The citizens of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Watanabe Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
New Jersey citizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our pleasant county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Edward. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing water treatment plants very soon.
Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
"This is the most cranky, flavored, informed thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one lawyer.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.