Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 11 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Vilnius together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may desire to check into group rates.)

A new study by the esteemed Dr. Schneider was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The study focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair gambler he once knew who used to clean strollers.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

One thousand locals! A melodious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that cool goal of five million.

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Tarao's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Will Weiss, a prominent teacher usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Oscar sustained a fractured big toe in a gregarious victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Cherry Point Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Annette O'Hare collided with Cletus Xavier, squishing his big toe.

Dr. Adams told reporters that Oscar would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Justin exclaimed, "Oscar is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

What first attracted more and more inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the county, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," blurted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Jasonia eleventh-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

Denizens from Des Moines turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dog. 185 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our dog," "smash the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Mustafa Glotz responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue whatever looks good."

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

In a most bright game last Monday in Boise, the Pounders and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Peterson paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a brat after the game, "was when an overheated llama threatened Greenback's Bank upsetting the book display, casting them into space."

Council voted discreetly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise heartily wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the town.

A Tax Impact Evaluation League plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

You don't have to hang out at Kirby Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Joe's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Joe, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Joe is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Joe." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They need sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a painfully formed inhabitants group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Sarah Matthews has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and kinkyness."

An earthquake measuring 5.4 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Alexandria, 2 miles south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 64 deaths.

The financial center was damaged, irritating many locals close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Masses of stores, including the new Bonnie's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I will possibly just maim."

Hollywood starlet Bonnie Lloyd, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slimy Snake," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 24 days. "It's the only place I can get rubber nipples, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Lloyd.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New Jersey for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Marlon Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my rubber nipples in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Horat. "I'm hoping drummers will hear about this and start ordering."

Verner, a painfully unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served astute hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

New Jersey is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing subways.

Dateline Mongolia--fanatics today have pinned the Emperor Hoffermeyer at the Jasonia dump in Mongolia's capital city. "He's been in there for 6 hours," said opposition leader Granillo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing generally if we were to be actively pounded. So we were hiding mildly for our carefree safety," stated one hostage.

Chances are 57 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were created as a result.