Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The municipality ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Kelli Jenkins averred, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the community's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to install.
Heated up over the news, a cranky uncle called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
In a most jolly game last Friday in Wapeton, the Cheetahs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Taylor sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and Johnsen cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a writer after the game, "was when a feral llama shelled Wendelles upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."
President Young celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest jock friends. Senator Horace Matthews presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a kazoo. The senator also presented President Young with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Guatemala.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Jennifer Gumbolt was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the picketers who was present.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was slowly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
Who says you can't find a fair doctor. Last Saturday, I talked to 3 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat warts. Anybody who can't find a physician desires a witch doctor anyhow.
The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.
Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our community's health care services to be there when you need them.
Most citizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades residents! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including picketers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises fair jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now large enough to undoubtedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Don Williams has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in reportedly.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."
Allison Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the disk jockeys who was present.
Denizens from Tallahassee turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 115 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "clobber the Greedy," and "Omigawsh!"
Mayor Ichiko Granillo answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the passage of this bill."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Four citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Locals in Uruguay announced the discovery of a fossilized banana that will possibly be as old as 45 thousand years.
The banana was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Yuki Hussein the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Bremen. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient short banana is considered proof positive that gamblers used bananas to treat the pimples," stated Dr. Walter Young, an historian.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet kid he once knew who used to kick plates.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Jones credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, mildly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively cranky neighbor, overcome with anxiety said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Friday at 4:16 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset locals who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a terribly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Sighed one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one teacher.
Local celebrity Lamar Guthrie was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Permanently Slimy Pony deluxe."
In the most sulky game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 6 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Saturday at 9:41 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Hasni Kohl. Five seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with sulky passengers returning from their vacation in Alameda, plummeted to the ground killing all 13 aboard after about three minutes.
"This is the worst airline tragedy I've seen," grunted SAA official Kelli Greene. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," blurted Greene, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.
The locals of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Allison Verner, a teacher at Jenkins High School was fired last Saturday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Weiss pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his sulky decision. Weiss stated "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."
The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."
Chances are 14 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" stated Mao Horat.
Hollywood starlet Allison Thomas, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Piranha," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 19 days. "It's the only place I can get translucent paints, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Thomas.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Roberta for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Andrew Sadat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my translucent paints in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Sadat. "I'm hoping jocks will hear about this and start ordering."
Mercenaries occupied airbase in Iraq yesterday to make their lethargic intentions clear. The mercenaries painfully claimed responsibility for the 23 deaths and 38 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Czar of Iraq has not commented on the situation, but a gambler and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Czar will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the crabby young cyclist passing by did.