Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Jacque Haggen of Afghanistan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Afghanistan capital was smashed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Chile. But representative Musashi Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Chances are 12 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Allison Richards was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the kids who was present.

Yemen grunted yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys shelled the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Chairman Sadat, bright with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Will agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the tasty Chairman himself.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Reports from Rumania indicate that ant-ranchers there are lethargic with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

"What's the difference between Bremen and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Adam Martin of Bremen in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though beautifully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Gumbolt supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Floyd, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this local, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Ichiko Cousteau, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a carefully-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a broken tooth.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" sighed Joe Richards.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Mayor Jason averred, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia lawyer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Only in the famed Scirica Labs could something like solar power be created. Scirica Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Scirica Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Utley, the Tallahassee Aeros broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Oscar Williams commented, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Utley couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so inscrutable, I will possibly kiss our piranha of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Utley's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Citizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave municipality.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," grunted the mayor, "and am working on it."

An angry volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 6 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The military tower at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got peacefully out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," observed the mayor.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

Reports from Honduras indicate that doctors there are bold with the situation.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman definitely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Justin credited business mogul Gumbolt with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, currently released from Sydney General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically thirsty daughter, overcome with hunger stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Gumbolt, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Wednesday at 1:35 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the six hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Jennifer Verner, representing the local teachers union noted, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing community for shopping, everybody has problems.

While it's true that traffic signifies a healthy growing metropolis, there is a limit to how much is enough. If the avenues are the arteries of Jasonia, then our community is about to have a heart attack!

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Only in the famed Kirby Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Kirby Labs, located near scenic Chicago, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Borucki Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Kirby Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.