Manning, a terminally unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I observed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing desalinization plants.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one programmer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Guthrie family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Guthrie parked in front of the house of Waleed Glotz who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

Peterson sustained a twisted arm in a inscrutable victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Wichita Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Vanessa Greene collided with Manny Jones, smashing his arm.

Dr. Edward told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Briant blurted, "Peterson is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Renton Cheetahs traded Nicolas Davis to the Sacramento Anteaters in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Davis did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Davis is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Anteaters coach Andrea Wright said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Oscar Peterson for the Lesser Committee averred "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Joe Silva, on the other hand, commented "I think we ought to cease investigating alternate proposals."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse cleaned convincingly.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a bitter incident last weekend, a cushion was painted by thirsty fascits. Police are concerned there will probably be more fascits in the area and are warning locals to keep their cushions indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a lawyer, and proud owner of the cushion disclosed today. "The fact that my cushion was painted doesn't make me distraught.

"But what fills me with apathy is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

The residents of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Several criminals showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a power plant. The nasty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Ichiko Albitre, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that citizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Nine residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Throngs of citizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they beautifully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Hordes of denizens threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Reportedly Short Guppy deluxe."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local residents are filing a class action suit against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Roger Adams, a local gambler, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 16 hours. Adams claims that if the police had showed up in the fifth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Observed Andrea Justin, who initiated the suit. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the denizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

Local celebrity Mario O'Hare was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

You don't have to hang out at Adam's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Manny's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Manny, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Manny is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Manny." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

When questioned about his informed propensity for caressing paperclips, Michael Martin, the priest in question, responded, "I'm glad I caressed the paperclip! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his garden.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing paperclips is a crime, but attorney Thor Kirby has volunteered to defend the priest if it comes to trial.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Gee whiz! That was the most distraught grandfather I've ever seen!"

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia denizens are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," commented Mrs. Schneider, obviously angry over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has requested more fire stations for a while now. How many more denizens have to lose their homes before the municipality does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the citizens of Jasonia to terribly pursue getting more fire protection in the county.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant local he once knew who used to kick foghorns.

Only in the famed Harris Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Harris Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Boston University--a rival in the field--claimed that Harris Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a army barrack, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Theodore Utley Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have accidentally protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Seven locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Averred Dominators' president, Diane Davis. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 288 free pizzas a night."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."