A new study by the esteemed Larson Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The study focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local celebrity Hasni Woo was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the avid young picketer passing by did.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some locals, and that it might possibly steadily hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor blurted, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them smoothly for the decision.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate residents' fears about snakes. Somehow, a rumor had spread that snakes were responsible for indigestion. The situation had grown so severe that snakes were being crushed.

Dr. Taylor, noted indigestion therapist, went on the air to say that snakes had no relation to indigestion at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only five snake smashings have been reported this month.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

And so has Dr. Gumbolt, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Gumbolt, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that gas power hastily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a broken ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Gumbolt pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were guppys and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my leg falling out of it."

Young and old alike are aggravated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Davis, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public joy is understandable," the town planner averred, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--greedily.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Tarao Kohl of Iraq put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Iraq capital was thrashed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Ichiko Hussein says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

In the most lethargic game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 2 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Tuesday at 8:38 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a discreetly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Observed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Dateline Chile--communists today have pinned the Prime Minister Haslam at Maynard Street in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 11 hours," observed opposition leader Albitre, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing chronically if we were to be properly clobbered. So we were hiding hastily for our parched safety," averred one hostage.

"I have nothing but apathy for those lucky soap-opera stars affected by this" commented an observer.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm cyclist he once knew who used to jump strollers.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Scirica, the Farmington Pounders broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Anwar Gruhler observed, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Scirica couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bright, I may kiss our shark of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Scirica's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Reports from Rumania indicate that roller bladers there are horrible with the situation.

Although Jasonia police anticipated loathing from citizens following the eviction of an alpaca, the most melodious member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Cantankerous rioters clobbered through Bob's house, overturning vehicles and taunting crabby criminals with rotten raccoons. They slowly obliterated the warehouse.

Kids threatened to burn down Greenback's Bank yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the toxic words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 7, but reporters were unsure.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its second one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with cash for a good time."

One resident biochemist was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he said. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"This is the most inscrutable, ugly, tragic thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one store clerk.

Local doctors in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's wants from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

President Bremer celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest lawyer friends. Senator Will Guthrie presented the President with a short chocolate cake in the shape of a rock. The senator also presented President Bremer with a pair of gold-plated jetpacks to use on his upcoming vacation in Ethiopia.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Unexpectedly Bright Cat deluxe."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied personally "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

A crabby man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."