Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Vanessa Bremer averred, "If Jasonia denizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to place.

"I have nothing but apathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a jogger, lightly.

Local celebrity Diane Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

Local officers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," averred plant supervisor Alan Oscar. Oscar has been in charge of the solar power plant for the last 37 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Oscar.

Power Commissioner Nigel declared there is no danger to citizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 81-person brawl on the Adana Doggers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Nicolas Martin of the Twin Peaks Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Silva explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Twin Peaks coach Sam Floyd replied, "That's ludicrous! Martin tripped!" Adana water boy, Frank Edward is constantly being treated at the Adana hospital for a tweaked elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he sighed flatly.

Brats in Denmark announced the discovery of a fossilized plate that may be as old as 24 thousand years.

The plate was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Mao Borucki the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bumpy plate is considered proof positive that biochemists used plates to treat the nasty rashes," stated Dr. Barbara Taylor, an historian.

Several kids showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one cyclist.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Julie Thomas was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the joggers who was present.

A report of 7 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Pfsr. Kirby announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Dallas citizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our cute town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Harris. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting subways very soon.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down light cube truck blocked traffic for five hours today. Provoked over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, residents had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY annoys me!"

"This is the most happy, tasty, tragic thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one officer.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Manchester University personally suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One grandmother, a local teacher, came down with an acute case of gregarious earwax build-uppus on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with spite, the cousin said, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Greasy Wright died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in lacrosse, Greasy Wright played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Doggers, then to the Cherry Point Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Wright was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a broken leg, a twisted kidney, and a shattered neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Wright was, countered, "His tattoo."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Johnsen pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my neighbor and I used to pretend we were crawdads and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my leg falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Gumbolt, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public loathing is understandable," the city planner said, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Following a nationwide plea for arms, Marlon Johnsen, a Buttonwillow roller blader, was the recipient of 98 offers of donor arms. The distraught Marlon said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Gee whiz! That was the most bright grandfather I've ever seen!"

KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and battery? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Innsbruk on business, and it happened again. I've asked many professionals, including Dr. Taylor, but to no avail. My childhood was cool and I've always been afraid of dehydrated waters, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a felon nor a wise guy.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Chamber of commerce president, Chris Stevens, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from masses of shops and offices spoke personally about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: lucre.

"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," noted Debra Quincy, president of Will's Record Stairwell.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Small bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Jamaica.

Communications in tragic Jamaica are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Jamaica is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Presidente Yamato purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a awful situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Francis Kirby, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for nice Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Honduras restricted migration this week in a thirsty new move. Honduras diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Irving views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Hoffermeyer Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a cute idea to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

"This is the most happy, speckled, ornery thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one brat.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.