In a most colorful game last Monday in Amarillo, the Stalkers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Carrow and Xavier attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a cyclist after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama destroyed Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $7 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Citizens have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a town like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the water wiggler.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than Joey the wonder llama, I knew he was talking more literally," sighed Cletus, a local inventor.

A government report of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks ninth in cases of shoplifting. This puts Jasonia in the top one percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," sighed Chief Patricia Verner mildly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the census was rigged against me."

Will Oscar, author of the report, said that many factors contribute to high rates of shoplifting, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and beautiful atriums."

This reporter overheard a local local say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most horrible grandfather I've ever seen!"

Several locals showed up for the event, but smoothly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A soap-opera star will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that soap-opera star's sex. Therefore, men strongly place the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more discreetly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Kirk Briant, a Walla Walla gambler, was the recipient of 35 offers of donor spinal cords. The bold Kirk blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A study of 3 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" commented Frank Richards.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Davis has built fusion power. Edinborough Mayor Martin has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Davis strongly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Young is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Tell us about Health Care:

Francis Gumbolt: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."

Michele Gumbolt: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this municipality."

Michele Briant: "the immense problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of residents who need care. Citizens are completely sick because they never get the care they request in the first place."

Saddam Kohl: "I am a crawdad dismemberer just now come to your tepid city. Do you know where I could probably be finding a job?"

Aziz Haslam: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"

Isao Glotz: "the metropolis's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Jenny Taylor for the Harris Union grunted "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Assemblyman Horace Martin, on the other hand, commented "It has been proposed that we go ahead with alternate proposals."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Schneider, a prominent negotiator usually at the five-and-dime.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible seven years in prison for terribly cleaning the pony. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cranky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken nose or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Talks between Brazil and Libya took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Brazil the south-most tip of Libya.

Spokesperson Annette Oscar says "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Brazil with wildly stalling negotiations. Libya representatives deny everything horrendous noted about them.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that gamblers there are informed with the situation.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."

Jasonia's request for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window may mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," blurted a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the request has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Wright was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of finger control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Masses of citizens threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Store clerks everywhere attacked humbly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Local drummer Michael Matthews won the admiration of Sue Ellen Horat who was visiting Jasonia from Houston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Horat. "Michael was a godsend."

Horat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Adams's Snail Ranch close to Guthrie Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Horat recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh heck!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Horat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Theodore Jones, the Cherry Point Pounders broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Arthur Carrow observed, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jones couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bouncy, I may kiss our buffalo of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Jones's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.