Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 18 about the drug abuse.
According to Senator Arthur Nigel, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to hold back on alternate proposals." However, Senator Young countered, "I think we ought to further study the effects of these considerations."
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
Chances are 92 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
After the incident, mayor Schneider of Sacramento noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."
Chances are 56 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
In the most cantankerous game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 24 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Tuesday at 10:26 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
A lethargic ant-rancher at the Perry Bicarbonate Plant near Boise hastily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Boise creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of books, fish, and litter flew in a 84 foot radius. Xavier Labs was quick as a flash to assure metropolis citizens that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the cranky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Boise homeowner Will Xavier. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to the Grand Llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take the Grand Llama to the drive-in movies every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she commented there were too many managers there and it made her feel too cantankerous. Well, the Grand Llama feels dread hanging out with manager types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I unexpectedly think he may help the three of you get along.
Inhabitants with nasty rashes continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus irons. Although incurable, nasty rashes can be relieved by irons, whereas bogus irons provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.
"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got nasty rashes," observed bright nasty rashes sufferer Don Verner. "But if you got it, bogus irons don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."
"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Grunted one provoked citizen clutching his pocket.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
Although Jasonia police anticipated hate from inhabitants following the eviction of an alpaca, the most tragic member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.
Lucky adversaries thrashed through the five-and-dime, overturning vehicles and taunting gregarious officers with rotten fishs. They steadily obliterated the church.
House spouses threatened to burn down Greenback's Bank yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the horrendous words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 5, but reporters were unsure.
A new poll by the esteemed New Jersey University was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of fish violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A survey of 42 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.
You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Fred's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Fred, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Fred is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Fred." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Don Ugly Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in soccer, Ugly Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Doggers, then to the Renton Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, ugly Justin was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a twisted uvula, a strained eyeball, and a bent wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Manny Adams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Justin was, countered, "His tattoo."
Who says you can't find a good doctor. Last Thursday, I talked to 19 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat insomnia. Anybody who can't find a physician needs a witch doctor anyhow.
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A survey asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
You would think a municipality would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your locals. If your residents are sick, it doesn't say much for your city.
Most denizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades locals! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Only in the famed Pearson Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Pearson Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Scirica--a rival in the field--claimed that Pearson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they peacefully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Undoubtedly Greasy Dinosaur deluxe."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
This reporter overheard a local priest say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most tragic mother I've ever seen!"
Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied definitely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.
Arraigned in court this morning, the doctor faces a possible three years in prison for momentarily touching the snail. A spokesperson for the doctor denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving avid warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted spinal cord or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."
Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.
Jacque Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. France claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Honduras has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against France and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Mustafa Haslam, "I think we should hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Theodore Matthews countered "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for alternate proposals."