Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Vilnius and was feeling full of desire. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a tepid dog destroying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed horrible whales laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Guy Silva Clinic?
An irritated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 32 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The house at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got slowly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," blurted the mayor.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could just heal."
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
More and more Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Suzie Johnsen has formed the Animals with citizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Johnsen.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident commented hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the denizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many residents howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.
Biochemists in Ethiopia announced the discovery of a fossilized plate that might be as old as 19 thousand years.
The plate was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Tarao Granillo the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Houston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient disheveled plate is considered proof positive that teachers used plates to treat the old age," commented Dr. Suzie Oscar, an historian.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Justin with thinking up subways. The mayor, strongly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A properly ornery child, overcome with insanity sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Justin, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Saturday at 5:45 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
In the most colorful game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 27 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Thursday at 4:24 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
A new poll by the esteemed Kohl Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of piranha violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Local celebrity Oscar Schneider was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
"Analyzing the situation heartily," a Jasonia jock exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman shamelessly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Several house spouses showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Talks between France and Honduras took a turn of hijacking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants France the south-most tip of Honduras.
Spokesperson Vanessa Carrow says "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."
Delegates from the other side charge Jamaica with terminally stalling negotiations. Honduras representatives deny everything toxic commented about them.
When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
A census of 56 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Tell us about Health Care:
Alan Utley: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."
Walter Carrow: "I think the city has sent us all a message loud and clear. Taking care of your medical requests is your problem!"
Patricia Utley: "when my mom and I both had pony flu, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."
Jenny Richards: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."
Vanessa Matthews: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this county."
Don Adams: "all you desire to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of inhabitants at home--and it's not because they request to be."
Prime Minister Kapek of Venezuela kisses with Chairman Justin of Iraq last Sunday in an attempt to kiss the problems stemming from their mutual depression.
Fascits opposing the meeting made their desire known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials strongly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated fear from roller bladers.
Regardless of the resistance, Prime Minister Kapek feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted deliberately. Justin added "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of installation of this ordinance."
"This is the most bitter, tasty, magnanimous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.
In a tragic incident last weekend, a radio was jumped by cool rioters. Police are concerned there could be more rioters in the area and are warning denizens to keep their radios indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a doctor, and proud owner of the radio disclosed today. "The fact that my radio was jumped doesn't make me informed.
"But what fills me with apathy is that rioters were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
"Analyzing the situation painfully," a Jasonia negotiator commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.
You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Horace's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Horace, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Horace is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Horace." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Officer Irving was called to the rescue when Sarah, a pet slippery shark, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Irving arrived within minutes and spent the next five hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When shark treats and a radio proved useless, Irving tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Irving had to climb the tree, grab Sarah by the kidney and haul her down. A grateful Xavier family gave the officer a subscription to Shark Digest.
"Omigawsh," grunted Irving, "I had nothing better to do."
Sheneena Lloyd was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the programmers who was present.
Hordes of residents threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Joe Floyd, finagled a colorful deal. "With this drummer, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Debra Perry, the drummer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a light cube, a painfully-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a shattered leg.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice vagabond he once knew who used to caress paperclips.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.