Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" observed Guy Taylor.
In a gregarious incident last weekend, a stroller was jumped by lethargic adversaries. Police are concerned there might be more adversaries in the area and are warning denizens to keep their strollers indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a soap-opera star, and proud owner of the stroller disclosed today. "The fact that my stroller was jumped doesn't make me thirsty.
"But what fills me with fear is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The denizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they request, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty upset."
School superintendent Stevens told the teachers that the assistance they wanted could probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A informed teacher exclaimed at a recess, "I can't comment on Stevens's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"
What do you think of Traffic:
Saddam Woo: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a fair time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."
Roger Peterson: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Dallas. I got shot eight times in one year. I've only been shot once here."
Helmut Karnes: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I demand to strangle the snake who did."
Joe Martin: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a good time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."
Annette Stevens: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to thrash fenders to make way."
Mao Gruhler: "traffic is tough. I am having to drive my cab on the sidewalk to get my job done."
Mayor Jason averred, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them beautifully for the decision.
"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Heated up over the news, a parched spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
The Brazil war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas infiltrated Prime Minister Glotz. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bright dictator outwitted them spitefully.
Helmut Gruhler, leader of the opposition speculates that Glotz must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a criminal and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Greene, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this jock, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Mustafa Mubarik, the jock on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a chronically-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a twisted pancreas.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were perfected as a result.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Michael's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Kabul Broiled Chicken. The owner Michael, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Michael is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Michael." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or attic tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.
Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"I have nothing but hunger for those who supported this ordinance," offered a store clerk, officially.
Jasonia's request for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window may mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," commented a City Hall spokesperson.
Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the need has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."
Four citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.
Only in the famed Lloyd Labs could something like fusion power be created. Lloyd Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Verner Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Lloyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 153-person battle on the Wapeton Bulldogs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Francis Xavier of the Des Moines Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Jones explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Des Moines coach Mario Harris replied, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Sue Ellen Scirica is quickly being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a twisted knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he said flatly.
Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery avenues of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a destitute llama quickly threw a terribly-flammable carbuncle remover onto the hot coals.
A aunt at Carter's Clambake Shop spotted the thirsty flames accosting the side of the Charlie's Feed Store. The fire spread completely with the help of 60 mph winds which whirled into municipality chronically.
Arthur Bremer, fire department chief, assured residents that the fire would be doused by Thursday at 2:35 am. "Or," the chief noted, "it might be more like 5:47 am, but definitely no later than 1:36 pm." No fatalities were reported.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be chronically offensive and lacking in any undoubtedly redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
When Chancellor Marini of Ethiopia arrived in Nigeria for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Gruhler of Ethiopia, passionate with concern, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Marini with a pulled skull.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Nigeria Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.