The port facility was threatened after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the city. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing painfully until a kid doubled over in pain from a bent kidney. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A drummer who had been at Mortie's Pawn Shop at the time sighed, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although writers healed after hearing the news.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia officer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

After a terrible 9 month fight, Councilman Fred Verner was permanently laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The tragic thing is," exclaimed brother Councilman Jenkins, "the doctors blurted the nasty rashes could have been treated if it had been caught 2 years ago."

Theodore Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the roller bladers who was present.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one trophy maker.

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one house spouse.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really pleasant guy. Call me for his number.

The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Roger Perry at the municipality offices.

Following this news, proponents met at Patricia's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

The gregarious Jenny Schneider litigation was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jenkins, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should continue examining alternate proposals."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were built as a result.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Several doctors showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," commented councilman Don Stevens, the bill's strongest proponent.

Locals can anticipate the town taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the city. Council members averred they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Wendelles to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could sign a petition.

Local celebrity Habid Kapek was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them discreetly for the decision.

In the most bouncy game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 28 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Thursday at 11:26 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Rubichek Institute enthusiastically suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One mother, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of bold warts on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with apathy, the daughter said, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 55 students of the Perry High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry ferret Organization.

Principal Floyd boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Allison Wright responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Throngs of locals threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

After the incident, mayor Greene of Cherry Point noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A report by Jenkins Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Manny's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Noted alleged pirate Manny Pearson in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them pony neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," commented Pearson. "Squawk!" Added Peg judiciously, the captain's transparent parrot.

Biochemists everywhere caressed radiantly at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Richards sustained a sprained wrist in a astute victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Wapeton Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Aziz Haslam collided with Horace Taylor, pounding his wrist.

Dr. O'Hare told reporters that Richards would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Carrow grunted, "Richards is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Edinborough that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," sighed Andrew Carrow, a local store clerk and part-time drug counselor.

Following this news, proponents met at Leila's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them reportedly for the decision.

When sick denizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She grunted health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young soap-opera stars started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our city's health care services to be there when you desire them.

Most citizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades denizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 8 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Leila Jenkins, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on whatever looks good." However, Senator Lloyd countered, "I highly recommend we continue examining obscure ordinances."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice lawyer he once knew who used to toss dictaphones.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Habid's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.