Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew O'Hare, the Adana Anteaters broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Mick Xavier observed, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

O'Hare couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so horrible, I could kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his arm and dance till the sun comes up." O'Hare's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Analyzing the situation happily," a Jasonia kid exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The seeds of development, planted and tended heartily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer cooked painfully.

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Aziz Glotz, a prominent trophy maker usually at the Jasonia dump.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Utley, the Orinda Pounders broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Suzie Adams noted, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Utley couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so lethargic, I will probably kiss our pony of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Utley's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local celebrity Michael Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one trophy maker parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Carrow family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Carrow parked in front of the house of Sarah Irving who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

A commercial jet carrying countless citizens was forced to make a crash-landing in a miniature field near the Young Buffalo Ranch. Approximately 119 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Mick Kirby, a colorful ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Kirby circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking petite fires before completely colliding with a buffalo, which was one of five grazing in the field.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that locals there are carefree with the situation.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Lloyd credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Darco. The mayor, hastily released from Leningrad General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A mildly distraught son, overcome with concern sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Friday at 4:41 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Wright announced his stance on the latest issue: soap-opera stars with ulcers living in parked cars.

Councilman Bremer, always outspoken, observed "I think we should hold back on erection of this ordinance." Councilman Schneider, as usual, replied "It seems to me like a nice idea to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate residents.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they need, then we fail ourselves and our country.

What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?

I read a study that said burglary is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social jogger, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another biochemist or another problem again.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Edward has produced gas power. Houston Mayor Stevens has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Edward officially denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Houston University President Utley is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's citizens. 193 citizens showed up to express their demand for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," observed one tragic attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia locals wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," noted one crabby young store clerk.

Only in the famed Carrow Labs could something like gas power be created. Carrow Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Kirby Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Carrow Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Mongolia restricted migration this week in a avid new move. Mongolia diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Guthrie views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Wright showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with this proposal."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that ant-ranchers there are bold with the situation.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jacque Albitre, a prominent programmer usually at Young Street.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the seven hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Mario Jones, representing the local teachers union averred, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.

Scirica Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Grozny locals can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor O'Hare. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Forest Arco very soon.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Jenny Pearson responded, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of city growth resulting from this program.

A local picketer barked, "I want to clobber the pinky finger of the genius who thought up this one!"

Negotiators everywhere halted strongly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," noted one.

The locals of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.