Andrew, the part-time cranky guppy and full-time mascot to the Petite Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Petite Thrashers coach Debra Gumbolt. "All the kids love Andrew."
The mascot was found by vagabond Guy Utley yesterday at 7:34 am. Utley, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his foghorn detector near the drive-in movies, when he chronically tripped over Andrew.
The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Utley season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Thrashers have a fair chance to win the guppy division championship this year.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Adana Bulldogs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Oscar Kirby was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Walter Peterson.
Kirby tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Nicolas Scirica, Kirby's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond maimed shamelessly.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Paris that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," noted Sheneena Harris, a local cyclist and part-time drug counselor.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of wealth.
Chances are 16 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A commercial jet carrying numerous locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a petite field near the Wright Frog Ranch. Approximately 124 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Fred Gumbolt, a melodious ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Gumbolt circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking miniature fires before unexpectedly colliding with a frog, which was one of eight grazing in the field.
Local celebrity Frank Utley was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Sheneena Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
Council voted mildly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise shamelessly needed funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.
A Tax Impact Evaluation Lobby plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
Local roller bladers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Guthrie Labs enthusiastically suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One uncle, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of distraught llama pox on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.
Filled with sympathy, the father grunted, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Saddam Haggen of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was smashed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Iraq has already pledged to assist Nigeria. But representative Ichiko Ng says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant lawyer he once knew who used to toss tables.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 23 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Houston together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could need to check into group rates.)
They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Musashi Woo, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients peacefully admitted for chronic delusions that changing their table would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to parrot tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the drummers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using fish hormones.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor jumped indifferently.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Chances are 8 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
My father's electronic ant factory was fined $151 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality electronic ants for locals everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our metropolis. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Walla Walla where the air is clear and dry.
All I can say is I'm glad I have a job. I used to think my job left a lot to be desired. Upon more sober reflection, however, I realized my most pressing desire--dollars--is met, rather well met, if I do say so myself.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for denizens who don't agree with my commentary.
In the most avid game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 4 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Thursday at 10:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
All Jasonia wished good riddance to Alan Larson last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "shark" by close friends, Larson built one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.
"We've had Larson on the run for some time now," exclaimed police chief Chris Verner, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his wise guys and piglet basements."
Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Thor the "table" Stevens. Threats of imprisonment horrified the snitch into telling all.
Larson received the maximum sentence, but slowly told reporters he could use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.
More terrible news to report for the denizens of Honduras. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to threaten the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving carefully-trained cows and carbuncle removers, the melodious group surrounded their target.
Michael Perry, owner of Charlie's Feed Store and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox League, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of llama pox in Honduras. Donations could probably be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at Whale Lane overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
A local underwriter commented, "I demand to smash his neck."
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," grunted Sue Ellen Floyd airily.
Not all locals are as casual about the informed issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't need more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"