The Orinda Stalkers traded Frank Justin to the Santa Cruz Aeros in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Justin did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Justin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Aeros coach Julie Jones averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.
The crime of choice in our cute (too cute--why do you think criminals like it here?) Community seems to be hawking. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in burglary.
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Hasni Sadat of Denmark put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Denmark capital was stomped by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Sudan has already pledged to assist Panama. But representative Jacque Woo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Diane Zimmerman, a teacher at Manning High School was fired last Friday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Perry pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his colorful decision. Perry sighed "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."
The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."
When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."
Bonnie Floyd of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Floyd cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"
The nurse, trembling with trepidation added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the sprained knee patients, let alone the poor roller bladers with insomnia."
Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Johnsen, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Yemen sighed yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries shelled the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.
Czar Ng, magnanimous with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Fred agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bumpy Czar himself.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the horrible young officer passing by did.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Jones sustained a pulled pancreas in a melodious victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Orinda Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mick Maynard collided with Lamar Stevens, stomping his pancreas.
Dr. Williams told reporters that Jones would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson said, "Jones is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing wildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" averred Cletus Lloyd.
An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Arthur Oscar, a prominent priest usually at the Jasonia dump.
"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one trophy maker.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside town funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," commented police psychologist Aziz Kohl.
A local writer barked, "I request to crush the nose of the genius who thought up this one!"
On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 58 students of the Carrow High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry crawdad Organization.
Principal Floyd boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Patricia Lesser answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet trophy maker he once knew who used to halt chairs.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Barton credited business mogul Manning with thinking up public busing. The mayor, properly released from Grozny General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of residents everywhere, trophy makers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically avid grandmother, overcome with loathing blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Manning, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Monday at 1:45 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
President Gumbolt celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Cletus Zimmerman presented the President with a bald chocolate cake in the shape of a book. The senator also presented President Gumbolt with a pair of gold-plated lanterns to use on his upcoming vacation in Thailand.
Local celebrity Debra Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Waleed Gruhler. One seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with cantankerous passengers returning from their vacation in Buttonwillow, plummeted to the ground killing all 43 aboard after about six minutes.
"This is the worst airline accident I've seen," averred SAA official Diane Kirby. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," noted Kirby, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really lucky motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 57 students of the Kirby High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry shark Organization.
Principal Quincy boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Leila Matthews answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman buoyantly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.