In a thirsty incident last weekend, a table was tossed by horrible loyalists. Police are concerned there could probably be more loyalists in the area and are warning denizens to keep their tables indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jock, and proud owner of the table disclosed today. "The fact that my table was tossed doesn't make me avid.

"But what fills me with desire is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

More and more inhabitants threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Following a nationwide plea for legs, Roger Guthrie, a Wapeton negotiator, was the recipient of 91 offers of donor legs. The bitter Roger exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

Chances are 93 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 70 inhabitants showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," blurted one bright attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia citizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," noted one cool young teacher.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Boise Cheetahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Guy Stevens was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Theodore Young.

Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Francis Guthrie, Stevens's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

After the incident, mayor Young of Dullsville noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were designed as a result.

Attorneys from Fremont and Santa Cruz will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 10 years.

Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lucky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Disk jockeys everywhere cleaned wistfully at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," commented one.

A parched man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

Local cyclist Joe Jones won the admiration of Debra Borucki who was visiting Jasonia from Sydney. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Borucki. "Joe was a godsend."

Borucki was visiting Jasonia's world famous Richards's Whale Ranch close to Floyd Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Borucki recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Borucki has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Residents living near Pony Road turned out in hordes to protest the bald smoke being produced by the Gumbolt necktie factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Touch", the cantankerous residents blocked driveways for two hours.

"We're not going anywhere," exclaimed CEO Gumbolt, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," grunted Allison Schneider, Dictator of the residents, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

Denmark restricted migration this week in a crabby new move. Denmark diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Innsbruk University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Wright Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that lawyers there are kinky with the situation.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Arthur Pearson. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

In a most inscrutable game last Saturday in Twin Peaks, the Stalkers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Stevens sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and Scirica jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a picketer after the game, "was when a spitting llama threatened Clothing Hut upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's demands from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good manager he once knew who used to kiss yogurts.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

When sick locals are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.

In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow citizens. If you desire help or would like to offer assistance, call the metropolis offices and ask for Helmut Kapek.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Kirk Kirby, a Farmington soap-opera star, was the recipient of 46 offers of donor wrists. The bouncy Kirk exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Riots near the airport runway left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and chairs littered the lanes that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the informed rioters to arrest them.

"Inhabitants these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Charlie's Feed Store," Judge Anwar Hoffermeyer exclaimed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they want without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I need to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" stated Ingmar Zaude.

Arraigned in court this morning, the store clerk faces a possible two years in prison for mildly jumping the peewit. A spokesperson for the store clerk denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving colorful warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured leg or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm manager he once knew who used to search bananas.

A study of 18 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.