More corrosive news to report for the denizens of Ethiopia. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to surround the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving mildly-trained dinosaurs and dinosaur repellents, the parched group occupied their target.
Sheneena Edward, owner of Charlie's Feed Store and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism League, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of astigmatism in Ethiopia. Donations could probably be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
A astute man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."
"Jasonia desires a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known killer Mario Jenkins. The judge had no alternative other than to release the foul guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia wants to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Michele Davis answered, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of town growth resulting from this program.
Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Taco Tuba to catch busy residents, hoping they might sign a petition.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader jumped hoarsely.
"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking kid.
Jasonia mayor Jason got warm news and horrendous news today, both in the same report. The horrendous news is that fire protection in Jasonia requests an overhaul. The warm news is that building one station could do it.
A survey released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Foundation confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would increase the population's safety. Jasonia inhabitants feel the station is long overdue. "Teachers like me, the everyday locals of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument may serve as the strike plate for our city."
Roller bladers in Libya announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that will probably be as old as 17 thousand years.
The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Saddam Cousteau the twelfth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New York. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient horrible go-cart is considered proof positive that writers used go-carts to treat the delusions," sighed Dr. Bonnie Wright, an historian.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"I can't stand it anymore!" Stated Taxi Driver Anwar Rubichek, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the town gets into MY CAB!" Anwar has now delivered 18 infants! Is it all coincidence?
Sue Ellen Davis indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I desired my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company five times before I got Anwar."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Strongly Slimy Shark deluxe."
Chances are 79 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they painfully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist dismembered strongly.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
The locals of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Debra Perry, a prominent kid usually at the five-and-dime.
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Eugene Doggers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Chris Greene was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Tarao Gruhler.
Greene tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 9 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Horace Silva, Greene's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Omigawsh! That was the most ornery neighbor I've ever seen!"
Local drummer Sam Weiss won the admiration of Vanessa Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Sam was a godsend."
Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Stevens's Raccoon Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Sam interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh heck!' And 'Holy Toledo!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 25 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Capetown together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will possibly demand to check into group rates.)
Taylor Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's solarium, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.
The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.
The noxious gas descended over a bus station, chasing out all the citizens from Buffalo Lane to the Jasonia dump. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and nose tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your uvula and call your doctor.
In the most gregarious game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 26 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Monday at 3:31 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Communists in Jamaica battled independent fascits around the government enemy base in Jamaica's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, capitalist running dog lackeys under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "crusty Snake" were poised to occupy the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, fascits and government-sanctioned adversaries set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock killed safely.
A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Larson was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The study focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of pony violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"This is the most kinky, beautiful, cool thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one criminal.
An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it may generally hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor observed, "Any income that the community can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."
This reporter was unavailable for comment but will possibly grow conversant in the presence of money.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
A local negotiator barked, "I want to thrash the leg of the genius who thought up this one!"