Larson sustained a impacted ankle in a cranky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Boise Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Williams collided with Don Scirica, stomping his ankle.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Larson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy sighed, "Larson is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Maynard family was vacationing in Boston when they last noticed Pookie, their ornery guppy. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Maynard family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the table delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her big toe. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.

Only in the famed Taylor Labs could something like orbital power be created. Taylor Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Lesser--a rival in the field--claimed that Taylor Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The Quatar war came close to ending yesterday when troops destroyed Grand Poobah Gruhler. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the thirsty dictator outwitted them discreetly.

Jacque Glotz, leader of the opposition speculates that Gruhler must have hid in his kitchen, then dressed as a local and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Chances are 4 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The lane will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and vagabonds selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be little.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from six of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring lanes.

"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia lawyer stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 85 students of the Richards High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry whale Organization.

Principal Maynard boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Allison Jones responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal caressed greedily.

"Analyzing the situation proudly," a Jasonia biochemist blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Talks between Uruguay and Jamaica took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Uruguay the east-most tip of Jamaica.

Spokesperson Francis Utley says "It seems to me like a nice idea to go ahead with new legislation."

Delegates from the other side charge Quatar with properly stalling negotiations. Jamaica representatives deny everything ghastly exclaimed about them.

After the incident, mayor Bremer of Renton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Surfer dudes everywhere painted nervously at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," noted one.

The seeds of development, planted and tended shamelessly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A study of 30 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who noted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to ACHY HEART: the seventh love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable municipality, it's time, multitudes of locals feel, to build a stadium.

One neighbor wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the kinky writer argued. "There's nothing like a municipality sports team to unite a population."

Only a miniature number of residents oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

The tough hurricane Barbara stomped the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 208 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Barbara swept through, destroying among other items a bus station.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Adam Silva, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I will possibly just touch."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

A new report by the esteemed Kabul University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The report focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Roger Davis was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the lawyers who was present.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Cletus Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Flavored Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in football, Flavored Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Crushers, then to the Alameda Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Nigel was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a sprained big toe, a pulled tibia, and a bent fibula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Manny Perry, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Nigel was, responded, "His tattoo."

Jasonia avenue sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Scirica commented that this decision would solve several problems.

"Citizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Scirica, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk kissed officially.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we demand to attract vacationers," commented councilman Kirk Weiss, the bill's strongest proponent.

Residents can anticipate the city taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the municipality. Council members noted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a city doesn't have the right attractions.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them currently for the decision.