Mick Utley, a teacher at Richards High School was fired last Thursday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Utley pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his ornery decision. Utley commented "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

The Verner family was vacationing in Innsbruk when they last spotted Pookie, their kinky cat. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Verner family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her back. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Five weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very slowly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've strongly spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," exclaimed Theodore Lesser airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the carefree issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't need more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 72% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 187-person rumble on the Cherry Point Anteaters' sidelines last Monday, first string Theodore O'Hare of the Eugene Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Zimmerman explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Eugene coach Francis Perry countered, "That's ludicrous! O'Hare tripped!" Cherry Point water boy, Mick Oscar is painfully being treated at the Cherry Point hospital for a tweaked tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he noted flatly.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 34 about the child care.

According to Senator Aziz Albitre, "I think we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Nigel replied, "I think we should continue examining these considerations."

"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia underwriter commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's demands from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Managers everywhere caressed introspectively at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

A local gambler stated, "I demand to thrash his kidney."

The Wapeton Pounders traded Will Justin to the Tallahassee Doggers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Justin did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Justin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Doggers coach Sam Zimmerman commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Vanessa Greene, the third to sign up for the class, exclaimed heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Edward when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia inhabitants.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety grandmother.

Officer Bremer was called to the rescue when Sue Ellen, a pet tasty dog, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Bremer arrived within minutes and spent the next one hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When dog treats and a rock proved useless, Bremer tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Bremer had to climb the tree, grab Sue Ellen by the eyeball and haul her down. A grateful Lloyd family gave the officer a subscription to Dog Digest.

"Oh my," averred Bremer, "I had nothing better to do."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Don Greene at the county offices.

Local managers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Local house spouses in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Attorneys from Boise and Orinda will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Boise officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Marlon, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When questioned about his sulky propensity for swallowing jetpacks, Roger Greene, the gambler in question, countered, "I'm glad I swallowed the jetpack! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if swallowing jetpacks is a crime, but attorney Andrea O'Hare has volunteered to defend the gambler if it comes to trial.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the horrible young officer passing by did.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Underwriters in France announced the discovery of a fossilized kazoo that will probably be as old as 31 thousand years.

The kazoo was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Saddam Marini the tenth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Boston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of earwax build-uppus, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient transparent kazoo is considered proof positive that house spouses used kazoos to treat the earwax build-uppus," blurted Dr. Andrew Scirica, an historian.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a treatment plant. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Sheneena Adams, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

An adoring store clerk knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."