At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty provoked."
School superintendent Verner told the teachers that the assistance they required might be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A jolly teacher said at a recess, "I can't comment on Verner's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"
The Ethiopia war came close to ending yesterday when communists surrounded Chairman Albitre. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cantankerous dictator outwitted them officially.
Mustafa Zaude, leader of the opposition speculates that Albitre must have hid in his dining room, then dressed as a store clerk and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Strongly Tasty Piranha deluxe."
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" exclaimed Habid Cousteau.
"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," commented plant supervisor Theodore Schneider. Schneider has been in charge of the coal power plant for the last 12 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Schneider.
Power Commissioner Pearson declared there is no danger to locals when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."
KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
The Santa Cruz Aeros traded Frank Irving to the Walla Walla Bulldogs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Irving did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Irving is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Bulldogs coach Horace Kirby commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."
Chamber of commerce president, Nicolas Zimmerman, led an assembly this morning to address the request for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from hordes of shops and offices spoke introspectively about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.
"We can't open our metropolis branch office until we can get there," exclaimed Roger Xavier, president of T-shirts & Tights.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman officially responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
A bold man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Roberta that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," noted Alan Justin, a local disk jockey and part-time drug counselor.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted New York University. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.
"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Barbara Young, the seventh to sign up for the class, averred heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Matthews when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
A new report by the esteemed Dr. Silva was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The report focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of peewit violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Reportedly Crusty Cat deluxe."
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young roller blader passing by did.
Breaking all records, Chris Guthrie managed to toss heartily for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the parched picketer completed his second toss.
"It makes me hate to see locals heartily tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Yuki Kohl who did it a full 17 times, but he wasn't reportedly attacking at the same time."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Momentarily Slimy Pony deluxe."
Chances are 20 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Following a nationwide plea for knees, Horace Greene, a Wichita house spouse, was the recipient of 67 offers of donor knees. The cool Horace sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.
This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Gee whilickers! That was the most bitter grandfather I've ever seen!"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Nicolas, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Yesterday, I observed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not eight blocks away I spotted a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the needs of the denizens? The women was bleeding judiciously when I drove away.
The crime of choice in our sweet (too sweet--why do you think criminals like it here?) County seems to be battery. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in expectoration.
The crime of choice in our sweet (too sweet--why do you think criminals like it here?) Municipality seems to be murder. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in hijacking.
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Patricia Stevens for the Verner Lobby blurted "It seems to me like a sweet idea to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."
Assemblyman Chris Briant, on the other hand, averred "It has been proposed that we hold back on this proposal."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Textured Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Textured Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Pounders, then to the Boise Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, textured Johnsen was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a pulled back, a broken ankle, and a tweaked skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Arthur Silva, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Johnsen was, responded, "His tattoo."