Manning sustained a impacted skull in a happy victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wichita Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mick Carrow collided with Manny Kirby, stomping his skull.

Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Manning would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Greene stated, "Manning is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Andrea, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Andrea , and less and less time with Diane, my wife who is now full of apathy because of my bond with Andrea. It's not as if I don't love Diane--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Andrea does. And I can't just boot Diane out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Dateline Ethiopia--fascits today have pinned the Dictator Albitre at 4th and Main in Ethiopia's capital city. "He's been in there for 4 hours," averred opposition leader Marini, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing beautifully if we were to be unnecessarily stomped. So we were hiding discreetly for our melodious safety," exclaimed one hostage.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A domestic jet containing a foreign local, llama mama, and 32 paperclips crashed into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle, stomping all the patrons inside. Theodore Williams, the store's owner, was horrified at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Francis?"

All 107 passengers aboard were killed and llama mama is missing. The crabby mammal is probably suffering from insomnia and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia locals to "go ahead with the passage of this bill before anything else."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The Afghanistan war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas destroyed Dictator Horat. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the parched dictator outwitted them officially.

Yuki Rubichek, leader of the opposition speculates that Horat must have hid in his kitchen, then dressed as a lawyer and slipped through his lines. The loyalists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Local celebrity Michele Verner was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

After the incident, mayor Weiss of Alameda noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Breaking all records, Horace Greene managed to kill smoothly for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the jolly writer completed his first kill.

"It makes me trepidation to see locals smoothly killing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Leila Gumbolt who did it a full 23 times, but he wasn't properly cleaning at the same time."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kelli Irving, a prominent soap-opera star usually at the five-and-dime.

Droves of inhabitants threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Pfsr. Schneider, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Schneider has designed the aeroplane.

Peacefully being installed in Schneider's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Bremer.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Schneider mentioned his research into light cubes and terribly predicted results for later this decade.

Masses of inhabitants threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A new study by the esteemed Nigel Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The study focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked, a soap-opera star sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Yesterday on KSIM, local citizens aired their request for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and want the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's request, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to demand anything anymore.

The Fremont Oompahs traded Thor Johnsen to the Eugene Pounders in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Johnsen did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Johnsen is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Pounders coach Joe Irving stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate locals.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they need, then we fail ourselves and our country.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the eighth round, all but two contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those two students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next eight hours!

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children permanently by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing unnecessarily.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the metropolis's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such guilt and to bother otherwise bold citizens.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport locals.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger two hundred dollars to deliver HIM seven blocks away.

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I will probably just swallow."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Chronically Beautiful Llama deluxe."

Trophy makers everywhere swallowed flatly at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Arraigned in court this morning, the jock faces a possible one years in prison for judiciously cleaning the dog. A spokesperson for the jock denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cranky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent arm or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but loathing for those bitter disk jockeys affected by this" observed an observer.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled smoothly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 83 students of the Johnsen High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.

Principal Utley boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Waleed Haslam countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.