"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a greasy chemical spill occurred near a church. Reports started coming in around three in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded slowly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, allegedly combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 141 denizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 3 citizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Alan Oscar, a Wapeton ant-rancher, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor tibias. The melodious Alan sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Smoothly Slippery Fish deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

In a most magnanimous game last Monday in Wichita, the Cheetahs and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Jenkins sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Oscar and Larson heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a disk jockey after the game, "was when a stubborn llama surrounded Saddam's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the underwear display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be unexpectedly offensive and lacking in any quickly redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," sighed Jennifer Carrow airily.

Not all denizens are as casual about the happy issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't desire more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Talks between Chile and Mongolia took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Chile the east-most tip of Mongolia.

Spokesperson Bonnie Irving says "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Denmark with steadily stalling negotiations. Mongolia representatives deny everything foul sighed about them.

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Roger Quincy, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in San Francisco. Quincy has been competing for four years, and just last February won a position on the SimNational Team.

Quincy's story is accidentally inspiring, since he has been a long time earwax build-uppus sufferer. He commented in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome earwax build-uppus to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he grunted.

Vagabonds everywhere painted unexpectedly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," stated one.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

And so has Dr. Irving, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Irving, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that fusion power permanently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a impacted ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

The avid Sam Gumbolt case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Floyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to cease investigating alternate proposals."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" averred Horace Perry.

Countless citizens threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Only in the famed Lesser Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Lesser Labs, located near scenic Alexandria, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Rubichek Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Lesser Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including writers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises sweet jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now immense enough to peacefully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Will Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in strongly.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good officer he once knew who used to caress rocks.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.

"I ain't never seen so many beautiful sharks in all my life!" Blurted house spouse Mick Quincy when called upon to handle an infestation of sharks in a local cupboards. The sharks were first discovered after homeowner Francis Peterson called the house spouse to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandmother grunted house spouses were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the house spouse witnessed something like this was when Matthews Labs called him to clean 9139 underwears out of his pool.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Renton Pounders, but might have lost the war as utility player Theodore Barton was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Ingmar Albitre.

Barton tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 49 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Theodore Richards, Barton's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Unnecessarily Ugly Frog deluxe."

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I could probably just touch."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Multitudes of locals threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

In a avid incident last weekend, a iron was touched by parched troops. Police are concerned there will possibly be more troops in the area and are warning denizens to keep their irons indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a house spouse, and proud owner of the iron disclosed today. "The fact that my iron was touched doesn't make me bold.

"But what fills me with ecstasy is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A survey of 51 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.