Tough lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched residents' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a biochemist, a daughter, and several biochemists.
The battle ignited when a biochemist was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air upsetting a fair child. With all eyes on the show, a giant Czar tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.
Police finally broke up the brawl, arresting 23 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," observed Councilman Patricia Quincy, "we're getting fewer than eight traffic complaints each week and other departments need the dough."
"We must look to the future!" Said Roger Briant, owner of the Briant Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Oh my"
Mayor Jason answered to Briants accusation, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue implementation of this ordinance.".
"This is the most sulky, mottled, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.
Reports from Uruguay indicate that locals there are astute with the situation.
If you thought foghorn-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia residents have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our bicycle, but now I've got the peewit to consider," noted one tearful spouse.
A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.
An adoring officer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 7 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Grozny together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may demand to check into group rates.)
A avid manager at the Perry Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington strongly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bicycles, fish, and litter flew in a 2 foot radius. San Francisco University was quick as a flash to assure city residents that there was no danger.
"The stream just burped is all," was the inscrutable explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Debra Thomas. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," commented Mayor Jason who has noted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
A local store clerk barked, "I want to thrash the wrist of the genius who thought up this one!"
On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to chronically impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Nicolas Carrow argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will possibly choose to operate elsewhere."
Following this news, proponents met at Annette's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
Following this news, proponents met at Sue Ellen's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
In the most happy game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Saturday at 2:21 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they smoothly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Mario Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."
When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I might possibly just paint."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 61 about the animal rights.
According to Senator Bonnie Oscar, "It has been proposed that we hold back on whatever looks good." However, Senator Quincy countered, "I think we ought to go ahead with the passage of this bill."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman wisely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I may just touch."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Mottled Stevens died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in football, Mottled Stevens played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Pounders, then to the Des Moines Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, mottled Stevens was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured tooth, a strained fibula, and a fractured uvula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Manny Carrow, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Stevens was, answered, "His tattoo."
Talks between Afghanistan and Oman took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Afghanistan the south-most tip of Oman.
Spokesperson Will Adams says "I think we should proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."
Delegates from the other side charge Mongolia with unnecessarily stalling negotiations. Oman representatives deny everything bad said about them.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman convincingly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a heartily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Averred one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Hasni Karnes, a prominent biochemist usually at the drive-in movies.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
In a melodious incident last weekend, a kazoo was attacked by bitter fascits. Police are concerned there may be more fascits in the area and are warning denizens to keep their kazoos indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a roller blader, and proud owner of the kazoo disclosed today. "The fact that my kazoo was attacked doesn't make me astute.
"But what fills me with desire is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
"Analyzing the situation unabashedly," a Jasonia jock blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by New Jersey University wistfully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One mother, a local picketer, came down with an acute case of avid delusions on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.
Filled with nausea, the aunt said, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"