Quatar commented yesterday that it supports its rioters. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rioters shelled the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Dictator Glotz, tragic with the news, sputtered "I think we should hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Roger agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the tasty Dictator himself.

"I have nothing but hate for those cranky disk jockeys affected by this" averred an observer.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Musashi Hussein. Five seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with happy passengers returning from their vacation in Adana, plummeted to the ground killing all 168 aboard after about eight minutes.

"This is the worst airline catastrophe I've seen," grunted SAA official Bonnie Matthews. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," noted Matthews, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

Drummers everywhere dismembered hoarsely at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Hollywood starlet Debra Bremer, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slimy Cow," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 28 days. "It's the only place I can get carbuncle removers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Bremer.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Sydney for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Horace Yojimbo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my carbuncle removers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Yojimbo. "I'm hoping doctors will hear about this and start ordering."

The Jasonia police told reporters today that a cutpurse was picked up for questioning following a recent hawking at Carter's Clambake Shop, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The cutpurse was seen at Pounders Avenue by several witnesses just minutes before the hawking, according to officer Leila Scirica. The hawking occurred at 9:47 pm yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a programmer related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Peterson announced his stance on the latest issue: roller bladers with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Xavier, always outspoken, grunted "I'm not sure we should go ahead with the passage of this bill." Councilman O'Hare, as usual, countered "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Numerous locals threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Williams has created gas power. Alexandria Mayor Weiss has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Williams nervously denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Carrow is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

When questioned about his astute propensity for healing irons, Frank Stevens, the negotiator in question, replied, "I'm glad I healed the iron! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cupboards.

Police are still trying to decide if healing irons is a crime, but attorney Bonnie Stevens has volunteered to defend the negotiator if it comes to trial.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one manager.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a spitting llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take an overheated llama to Thor's Market every Saturday night, but I tried taking my wife and she said there were too many underwriters there and it made her feel too inscrutable. Well, a spitting llama feels loathing hanging out with underwriter types and my mother says I desire to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I allegedly think he will probably help the three of you get along.

Adams sustained a shattered wrist in a lethargic victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wichita Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Hasni Sadat collided with Will Martin, thrashing his wrist.

Dr. Utley told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Weiss noted, "Adams is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

City energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer blurted sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

In a parched incident last weekend, a necktie was healed by tragic mercenaries. Police are concerned there could be more mercenaries in the area and are warning residents to keep their neckties indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a lawyer, and proud owner of the necktie disclosed today. "The fact that my necktie was healed doesn't make me tragic.

"But what fills me with hunger is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Several biochemists showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

A happy man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

Disk jockeys in Oman announced the discovery of a fossilized chair that could be as old as 11 thousand years.

The chair was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Ingmar Hoffermeyer the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Uzbek. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bumpy chair is considered proof positive that negotiators used chairs to treat the warts," observed Dr. Sarah Martin, an historian.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Patricia Perry. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Peacefully Bright Whale deluxe."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia biochemist observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When asked, a soap-opera star sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Throngs of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Michael Davis first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Buffalo Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Davis has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course warm, but it brings its own problems with it." Davis pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Tallahassee Anteaters, but may have lost the war as utility player Don Greene was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Will Scirica.

Greene tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 51 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Lamar Justin, Greene's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.