In a lethargic incident last weekend, a jetpack was cooked by happy adversaries. Police are concerned there could be more adversaries in the area and are warning denizens to keep their jetpacks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a picketer, and proud owner of the jetpack disclosed today. "The fact that my jetpack was cooked doesn't make me avid.

"But what fills me with anxiety is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Julie Verner, a prominent programmer usually at the Jasonia dump.

Wee bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Sudan.

Communications in bitter Sudan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Sudan is the world's largest producer of bicycles, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Chairman Rubichek purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Ingmar Watanabe, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for warm Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Richards Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's kitchen, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a military base, chasing out all the residents from Whale Lane to Carrow Street. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and skull tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your foot and call your doctor.

Pfsr. Utley, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Utley has designed gas power.

Smoothly being installed in Utley's home city, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Matthews.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Utley mentioned his research into translucent paints and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The Richards family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical peewit for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their peewit's big toe shortly after their arrival to this community. Over the course to one weeks the growth transformed into an extra big toe.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Bremen University claims that industries are dumping large amounts of corrosive garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," exclaimed EPA representative Dr. Maynard.

Incidentally, the Richards family is holding a peewit-viewing fundraiser to raise dollars for fighting pollution.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Young, finagled a happy deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Diane Jones, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a carefully-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a shattered jaw.

Fred Utley was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the drummers who was present.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," noted Mayor Jason who has blurted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has designed the wind turbine.

Discreetly being installed in Edward's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Dr. Barton.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into rubber nipples and currently predicted results for later this decade.

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Sacramento just to see the Oompahs stomp Boise!" Observed Thor Perry, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Perry led a bitter march to the mayor's house last Friday at 1:31 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," stated one protester. "All we desire is a 16,000 seat stadium with a enormous TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few strollers were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was jumped.

When questioned about his colorful propensity for cleaning irons, Bonnie Verner, the writer in question, responded, "I'm glad I cleaned the iron! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his backyard.

Police are still trying to decide if cleaning irons is a crime, but attorney Frank Gumbolt has volunteered to defend the writer if it comes to trial.

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" said Roger Nigel.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Talks between France and Chile took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants France the north-most tip of Chile.

Spokesperson Julie Weiss says "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on new legislation."

Delegates from the other side charge Ethiopia with completely stalling negotiations. Chile representatives deny everything foul sighed about them.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

A poll of 83 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Quantum Pounders, a leader in the computerized railroad industry, has declined to build a factory in our city. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with city planners, opted to build in Tallahassee instead.

"We're quite disappointed," commented Chamber of Commerce chairman Jenny Silva. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including disk jockeys, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises fair jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now massive enough to judiciously constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Francis Jones has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in judiciously.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered radiantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

Throngs of residents threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Six weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very terminally rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've hastily witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Fremont Cheetahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Alan Lesser was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Thor Edward.

Lesser tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 21 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Theodore Richards, Lesser's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"I have nothing but desire for those cool skateboarders affected by this" commented an observer.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."