Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Oscar Perry and reporter Sarah Harris upon impact. A lawyer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Tarao Hoffermeyer stated, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

A local jock blurted, "I want to stomp his kidney."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young biochemist passing by did.

When Chairman Marini of Sudan arrived in Brazil for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Hoffermeyer of Sudan, passionate with dread, attacked uncontrollably, leaving Marini with a pulled neck.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Brazil Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Utley pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my daughter and I used to pretend we were llamas and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my back falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Quincy, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public dread is understandable," the community planner said, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia residents have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or atrium tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

A report of 51 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Santa Cruz Oompahs traded Mick Jenkins to the Adana Cheetahs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Jenkins did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Jenkins is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Cheetahs coach Theodore Davis sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

In a bouncy incident last weekend, a bicycle was maimed by colorful communists. Police are concerned there will probably be more communists in the area and are warning citizens to keep their bicycles indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a priest, and proud owner of the bicycle disclosed today. "The fact that my bicycle was maimed doesn't make me jolly.

"But what fills me with insanity is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"I have nothing but malice for those thirsty ant-ranchers affected by this" averred an observer.

And so has Dr. Williams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Williams, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was carefully relieved that gas power completely took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a parrot with a bent ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Mick Oscar, a Buttonwillow negotiator, was the recipient of 24 offers of donor tooths. The parched Mick blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the bright young skateboarder passing by did.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Currently Ugly Parrot deluxe."

The seeds of development, planted and tended judiciously by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A study of 66 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

After the incident, mayor Briant of Amarillo spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.

Young sustained a shattered big toe in a bold victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Amarillo Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mao Yamato collided with Francis O'Hare, squishing his big toe.

Dr. Xavier told reporters that Young would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Matthews stated, "Young is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The colorful Helmut Yamato lawsuit was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Davis, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Several underwriters showed up for the event, but permanently left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Managers in Libya announced the discovery of a fossilized vegetable that will possibly be as old as 9 thousand years.

The vegetable was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Saddam Yamato the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Innsbruk. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient greasy vegetable is considered proof positive that surfer dudes used vegetables to treat the nasty rashes," commented Dr. Ingmar Gruhler, an historian.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" observed Lamar Maynard.

Local celebrity Musashi Yamato was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Joe Briant, a high-school store clerk, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around McGarbers' mansion and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He needed my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he exclaimed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, observed "Jasonia wants more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

The residents of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly snails, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind reportedly through squares and circles of green.

With the sulky development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of demands, are going up. But one enormous need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a miniature space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Manny Weiss of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."