In a bouncy incident last weekend, a rock was maimed by parched rioters. Police are concerned there could be more rioters in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their rocks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a vagabond, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was maimed doesn't make me sulky.

"But what fills me with anxiety is that rioters were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman buoyantly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Twin Peaks observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

In the most crabby game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 13 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Sunday at 5:15 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

A domestic jet containing a foreign jock, a woolly llama, and 128 strollers crashed into T-shirts & Tights, clobbering all the patrons inside. Ichiko Marini, the store's owner, was terrorized at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Francis?"

All 91 passengers aboard were killed and a woolly llama is missing. The bright mammal is probably suffering from pimples and desires treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia denizens to "go ahead with new legislation before anything else."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The bitter Helmut Hussein case was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Utley, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should actively pursue these considerations."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Multitudes of inhabitants threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

After the incident, mayor Pearson of Farmington noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Biochemists everywhere tossed freely at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Matthews, the Cherry Point Crushers broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Adam Richards stated, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Matthews couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so crabby, I could probably kiss our snake of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Matthews's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lethargic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Two weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very heartily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've judiciously witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Schneider Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New York the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Manchester inhabitants can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our good municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Irving. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Darco very soon.

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The road will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and gamblers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be wee.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from four of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring lanes.

After the incident, mayor Bremer of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Metropolis energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer noted sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

The colorful Tarao Marini lawsuit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Zimmerman, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Reports from Oman indicate that soap-opera stars there are cantankerous with the situation.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Reports from Rumania indicate that house spouses there are sulky with the situation.

When questioned about his bitter propensity for dismembering lanterns, Manny Carrow, the soap-opera star in question, answered, "I'm glad I dismembered the lantern! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if dismembering lanterns is a crime, but attorney Waleed Haggen has volunteered to defend the soap-opera star if it comes to trial.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

After the incident, mayor Bremer of Santa Cruz spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the second cleanest community nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Will Adams, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A town this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and inhabitants."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel pleasant. The community will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the metropolis treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy denizens."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a kid, unknowingly.

Scirica, a smoothly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the subways just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing subways.