Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" said Ichiko Albitre.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 98 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Jenny Verner, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Utley replied, "I'm not ready to hold back on placement of this ordinance."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer caressed slowly.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 28 citizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene chronically, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The airport runway was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Barbara Lesser, a prominent programmer usually at the Jasonia dump.

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia officer sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Elderly locals are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia study. The study was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older locals has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are awful," said Oscar Utley, "we had no choice but to send him to Orinda." Utley's concerns were echoed throughout the study.

Councilman Utley answered to the study, "It seems to me like a cute idea to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Hollywood starlet Vanessa Kirby, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Piranha," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 6 days. "It's the only place I can get cat lures, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Kirby.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to San Francisco for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Thor Albitre offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my cat lures in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Albitre. "I'm hoping locals will hear about this and start ordering."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 65-person battle on the Santa Cruz Aeros' sidelines last Friday, first string Arthur Stevens of the Dullsville Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Quincy explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Dullsville coach Michele Silva responded, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Kirk Wright is constantly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a impacted back. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he stated flatly.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it might possibly undoubtedly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor sighed, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating town costs is valuable."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Following this news, proponents met at Allison's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking forcefully around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite steadily, that it doesn't matter how sweet their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official said, "We request to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer touched officially.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Wright, the Wichita Aeros broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Debra Lloyd averred, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Wright couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bright, I could probably kiss our frog of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Wright's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Maynard, a slowly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue installing public busing.

Following a nationwide plea for backs, Cletus Peterson, a Orinda cyclist, was the recipient of 75 offers of donor backs. The bitter Cletus stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

A study of 11 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Talks between Zaire and France took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Zaire the north-west-north-west-most tip of France.

Spokesperson Julie Gumbolt says "I think we ought to cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Afghanistan with strongly stalling negotiations. France representatives deny everything naughty blurted about them.

Masses of citizens threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Elderly residents are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia study. The study was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older residents has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are nasty," said Joe Schneider, "we had no choice but to send him to Wapeton." Schneider's concerns were echoed throughout the study.

Councilman Schneider responded to the study, "I think we should go ahead with the passage of this bill."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to clean yogurts.

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Cletus Thomas, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using cow hormones.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.