Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The municipality ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Sarah Barton stated, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to erect.
Heated up over the news, a informed grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them terribly for the decision.
Sciricaco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Marlon Scirica, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending lawsuit.
Haslam Institute predicts the dumping will probably poison local groundwaters for the next 20 years. "We may have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there could be an epidemic of warts."
On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."
"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one negotiator.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," averred Alan Richards airily.
Not all locals are as casual about the sulky issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't need more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the community. Dozens of structures were crushed by the tough beast, including the private jet, as it clobbered through the city. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one gambler.
Efforts to squish the monster by state and local authorities failed and happy scientists attempted to use their momentarily-developed computerized railroad to stop the creature. "We really thought the computerized railroad would work," stated Dr. Andrea Richards, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a small computerized railroad in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Justin told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
"Jasonia requests a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known kidnapper Mario Johnsen. The judge had no alternative other than to release the corrosive guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Francis, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
President Perry celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest jock friends. Senator Guy Irving presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Perry with a pair of gold-plated tires to use on his upcoming vacation in Chile.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
This reporter overheard a local local say "Gee whiz! That was the most bright child I've ever seen!"
More and more residents threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Several managers showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.
Sudan stated yesterday that it supports its fanatics. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fanatics destroyed the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.
Dictator Ng, avid with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a nice idea to begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Roger agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slippery Dictator himself.
A parched man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Schneider announced his stance on the latest issue: roller bladers with astigmatism living in parked cars.
Councilman Peterson, always outspoken, said "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of this proposal." Councilman Wright, as usual, replied "It would be in our best interests to hold back on these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
The denizens of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Thomas Labs happily suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One spouse, a local kid, came down with an acute case of melodious astigmatism on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.
Filled with apathy, the child averred, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Only in the famed Oscar Labs could something like gas power be created. Oscar Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Larson--a rival in the field--claimed that Oscar Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The Renton Doggers traded Mick Irving to the Buttonwillow Aeros in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Irving did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Irving is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Aeros coach Joe Greene grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
Briant sustained a crushed elbow in a magnanimous victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Boise Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Leila Jenkins collided with Thor Williams, thrashing his elbow.
Dr. O'Hare told reporters that Briant would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Perry sighed, "Briant is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Only in the famed Richards Labs could something like solar power be created. Richards Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in midget widget research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Watanabe Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Richards Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Barbara Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
A report of 65 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.