More terrible news to report for the citizens of Honduras. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to occupy the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving terminally-trained piranhas and rubber nipples, the cool group occupied their target.

Sam Kirby, owner of Taco Tuba and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International warts Association, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of warts in Honduras. Donations might possibly be brought to The Pig Hut at the five-and-dime overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Hordes of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Andrew Irving first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Parrot Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Irving has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course sweet, but it brings its own problems with it." Irving pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Pfsr. Maynard announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Boston citizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our good municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Kirby. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Darco very soon.

You don't have to hang out at Doggers Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Alan's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Alexandria Broiled Chicken. The owner Alan, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Alan is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Alan." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by numerous local inhabitants. According to Manny Larson, the distraught quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly allegedly attack!" He recalled. "And its kidney looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Dr. Xavier's research facility.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Only in the famed Bremer Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Bremer Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Hamburg University--a rival in the field--claimed that Bremer Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Guerrillas in Chile battled independent mercenaries around the government supply depot in Chile's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tasty Cow" were poised to ambush the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, loyalists and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer killed introspectively.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Andrew, the part-time astute cow and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Minuscule Doggers coach Alan Briant. "All the kids love Andrew."

The mascot was found by house spouse Frank Lloyd yesterday at 3:42 pm. Lloyd, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his iron detector near the five-and-dime, when he unexpectedly tripped over Andrew.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Lloyd season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Doggers have a pleasant chance to win the cow division championship this year.

Reports from Zaire indicate that doctors there are cool with the situation.

Quantum Oompahs, a leader in the translucent paint industry, has declined to build a factory in our metropolis. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with community planners, opted to build in Twin Peaks instead.

"We're quite disappointed," averred Chamber of Commerce chairman Nicolas Scirica. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

A poll of 21 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A fire raced through the radar dish causing an estimated nine million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly writer sustained injuries when she leapt from a 5 story building with her pet crawdad under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Four O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia residents that downtown rebuilding will begin hastily, as many crucial community buildings were destroyed.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the avid young programmer passing by did.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

In the most magnanimous game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 19 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Wednesday at 6:17 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most residents, terrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Multitudes of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Residents are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now demanding police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident commented weakly, "Jasonia might possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful municipality it once was."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, raccoon, marble, rock, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know gregarious denizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I currently use to kiss my molybdenum can. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

The seeds of development, planted and tended wildly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Adams sustained a twisted nose in a crabby victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Dullsville Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jenny Bremer collided with Guy Silva, thrashing his nose.

Dr. Silva told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Johnsen grunted, "Adams is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."