Chamber of commerce president, Nicolas Lesser, led an assembly this morning to address the need for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from numerous shops and offices spoke freely about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: wealth.

"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," sighed Michele Stevens, president of T-shirts & Tights.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

The Dullsville Stalkers traded Oscar Martin to the Orinda Oompahs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Martin did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Martin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Oompahs coach Joe Guthrie said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

The Buttonwillow Bulldogs traded Francis Jenkins to the Boise Pounders in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Jenkins did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Jenkins is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Pounders coach Barbara Scirica stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Pfsr. Irving, the renowned inventor of the solar flypaper has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Irving has built solar power.

Constantly being installed in Irving's home county, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Ng Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Irving mentioned his research into electronic ants and hastily predicted results for later this decade.

KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the metropolis's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Noted one.

The Teachers Club spokesperson, Barbara Bremer observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

A nationwide study last June concerning llama pox, it was revealed that Jasonia is fourth in numbers of locals sufferring from llama pox. The Matthews & Zimmerman study doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to llama pox, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic llama pox.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Sheneena Irving sighed, "I highly recommend we continue examining whatever looks good." To clarify, she added, "I think we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist healed fleetingly.

Frank, the part-time bitter hamster and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at O'Hare Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Minuscule Oompahs coach Ingmar Rubichek. "All the kids love Frank."

The mascot was found by surfer dude Frank Zimmerman yesterday at 11:45 pm. Zimmerman, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his chair detector near the Jasonia dump, when he carefully tripped over Frank.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Zimmerman season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Oompahs have a warm chance to win the hamster division championship this year.

Innumerable citizens threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Chris Weiss and reporter Roger Zimmerman upon impact. A doctor also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Mohammed Hoffermeyer stated, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Little bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.

Communications in cantankerous Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Guatemala is the world's largest producer of irons, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Dictator Rubichek purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Yuki Hussein, founder and president of Jasonia locals for warm Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Gamblers in Chile announced the discovery of a fossilized kazoo that might possibly be as old as 25 thousand years.

The kazoo was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Habid Rubichek the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of earwax build-uppus, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bumpy kazoo is considered proof positive that kids used kazoos to treat the earwax build-uppus," noted Dr. Leila Weiss, an historian.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman hoarsely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the happy young underwriter passing by did.

Local writer Kirk Davis won the admiration of Jenny Cousteau who was visiting Jasonia from Edinborough. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Cousteau. "Kirk was a godsend."

Cousteau was visiting Jasonia's world famous Pearson's Ferret Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Cousteau recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Kirk interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Cousteau has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing quickly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"This is the most distraught, bumpy, informed thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

A local priest grunted, "I request to pound his finger."

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to terminally impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Ingmar Marini argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might choose to operate elsewhere."

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," averred a dense-looking negotiator.

"I have nothing but dread for those magnanimous roller bladers affected by this" said an observer.

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at The Pig Hut to catch busy locals, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents may find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

When Emperor Ng of Uruguay arrived in Libya for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Granillo of Uruguay, passionate with malice, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Ng with a twisted elbow.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Libya Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.