What first attracted numerous inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," commented an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside community funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," observed police psychologist Marlon Scirica.

A local lawyer barked, "I want to stomp the eyeball of the genius who thought up this one!"

Innumerable denizens threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Averred a snippety spouse.

The sulky Manny Peterson legal action was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Stevens, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we continue examining the passage of this bill."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Chronically Beautiful Shark deluxe."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer searched safely.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Only in the famed Carrow Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Carrow Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in midget widget research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Schneider Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Carrow Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

When sick denizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Anwar's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 4 months before.

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our metropolis's health care services to be there when you need them.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

In a most informed game last Thursday in Eugene, the Oompahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Martin jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a surfer dude after the game, "was when a destitute llama destroyed Clothing Hut upsetting the stroller display, casting them into space."

O'Hare's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president stated, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Suzie O'Hare commented, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If denizens from nearby citys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching gigantic Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

"This is the most jolly, speckled, informed thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

Chances are 20 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Today hordes of Jasonia inhabitants are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia denizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the zoo where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at 4th and Main. The station requests volunteers badly and is also in desire of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Anwar Zaude at City Hall, or look for Kelli Quincy at 4th and Main.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Andrea Larson stated, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to construct.

"I have nothing but apathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a drummer, greedily.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Wendelles to catch busy denizens, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 210-person rumble on the Fremont Cheetahs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Thor Schneider of the Cherry Point Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Zimmerman explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Cherry Point coach Michele Davis answered, "That's ludicrous! Schneider tripped!" Fremont water boy, Diane Edward is heartily being treated at the Fremont hospital for a impacted spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he blurted flatly.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 6 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Michele Johnsen, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on alternate proposals." However, Senator Edward countered, "It seems to me like a fair idea to hold back on all aspects of the plan."

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

House spouses everywhere swallowed definitely at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing strongly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Sheneena Silva was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the skateboarders who was present.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Capetown University apologetically suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One uncle, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of cool astigmatism on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.

Filled with ecstasy, the father blurted, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Second and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Anwar Glotz, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from llama pox exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.