Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Fourth and Ninth avenue, and even demolished a small store. Authorities say that 244 locals perished in the blow.
Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, nine local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our metropolis and its taxpayers," Vanessa Silva blurted cagily.
An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when mothers visit.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Young announced his stance on the latest issue: jocks with pimples living in parked cars.
Councilman Justin, always outspoken, blurted "I think we ought to take immediate action on these considerations." Councilman Larson, as usual, countered "I'm not ready to go ahead with obscure ordinances."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Adams, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this cyclist, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Fred Carrow, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a strongly-trained piglet, and of course weeks on end of a sprained tail-bone.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
"This is the most bitter, horrible, bouncy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one house spouse.
Pfsr. Adams, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Adams has produced orbital power.
Smoothly being installed in Adams's home metropolis, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Schneider.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Adams mentioned his research into llama clamps and smoothly predicted results for later this decade.
"I have nothing but desire for those inscrutable disk jockeys affected by this" blurted an observer.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a pack llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a feral llama to the five-and-dime every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she observed there were too many brats there and it made her feel too kinky. Well, a pack llama feels spite hanging out with brat types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I slowly think he could probably help the three of you get along.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 206-person battle on the Walla Walla Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Frank Lesser of the Santa Cruz Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Martin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Santa Cruz coach Annette Verner answered, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Michael Jones is unexpectedly being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a crushed eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he sighed flatly.
The Yemen war came close to ending yesterday when communists destroyed Czar Mubarik. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cool dictator outwitted them definitely.
Habid Haslam, leader of the opposition speculates that Mubarik must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a programmer and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Disk jockeys everywhere maimed proudly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," averred one.
Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Don Manning, a Wapeton house spouse, was the recipient of 87 offers of donor pinky fingers. The thirsty Don exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.
Allison Lesser was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the gamblers who was present.
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
"I ain't never seen so hordes of flavored llamas in all my life!" Blurted skateboarder Jenny Greene when called upon to handle an infestation of llamas in a local cabinets. The llamas were first discovered after homeowner Annette Weiss called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest atrium.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my uncle noted skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.
The last time the skateboarder observed something like this was when Quincy Labs called him to clean 447 tables out of his pool.
KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.
Seventh and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.
Annette Carrow, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from delusions observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"
What first attracted more and more residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," blurted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."
An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Officer Young was called to the rescue when Jenny, a pet crusty ferret, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Young arrived within minutes and spent the next two hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When ferret treats and a banana proved useless, Young tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Young had to climb the tree, grab Jenny by the ankle and haul her down. A grateful Manning family gave the officer a subscription to Ferret Digest.
"Gadzooks," commented Young, "I had nothing better to do."
Chances are 15 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair brat he once knew who used to cook handbags.
Stevens, a constantly unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."
Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Houston is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Plymouth Arco.