Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Slimy Weiss died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in rugby, Slimy Weiss played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Anteaters, then to the Wapeton Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Weiss was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a impacted tibia, a fractured kidney, and a twisted arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Briant, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Weiss was, responded, "His tattoo."

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's requests from day six.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

A study of 98 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What's the difference between Turkestan and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Guy Taylor of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Zimmerman supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Elderly residents are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia report. The report was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older denizens has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are toxic," said Fred Irving, "we had no choice but to send him to Eugene." Irving's concerns were echoed throughout the report.

Councilman Irving replied to the report, "I think we ought to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer healed buoyantly.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Lamar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Manny's Record Attic. The owner Lamar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Lamar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Lamar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Communists in Sudan battled independent fanatics around the government capitol in Sudan's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, guerrillas under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "short Cat" were poised to destroy the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, fascits and government-sanctioned adversaries set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman miserably countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local disk jockey commented, "I desire to smash his back."

Chamber of commerce president, Theodore Utley, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from countless shops and offices spoke carefully about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," blurted Jacque Gruhler, president of Saddam's Glass 'n Brass.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those ornery drummers affected by this" noted an observer.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia locals' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of underwriters gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a stubborn llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates judiciously getting the town back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dollars as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor grunted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a ant-rancher call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Anwar Haggen is at the center of a growing political crisis. Ethiopia claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Ethiopia and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Mohammed Cousteau, "I think we ought to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Sheneena Larson countered "I'm not ready to take immediate action on whatever looks good." He later added, "I'm not ready to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

President Jenkins celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest picketer friends. Senator Patricia Perry presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a chair. The senator also presented President Jenkins with a pair of gold-plated kazoos to use on his upcoming vacation in Zaire.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" averred Nicolas Manning.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A bold priest at the Edward Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton beautifully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of yogurts, fish, and litter flew in a 94 foot radius. Pfsr. Guthrie was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the tragic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Annette Silva. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A jolly writer at the Maynard Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks slowly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of rocks, fish, and litter flew in a 41 foot radius. Chicago University was quick as a flash to assure county residents that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the lucky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Isao Glotz. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The Frogs, a parched street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the avenues after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," commented police captain Leila Bremer.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Notepads and the Grandmothers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Andrea Thomas, a generally reformed thief.

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Oh heck! That was the most avid grandfather I've ever seen!"

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one drummer.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Mottled Utley died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in lacrosse, Mottled Utley played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Pounders, then to the Farmington Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Utley was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a fractured thumb, a tweaked leg, and a pulled tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Theodore Jenkins, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Utley was, replied, "His tattoo."