Only in the famed Nigel Labs could something like solar power be created. Nigel Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Justin--a rival in the field--claimed that Nigel Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 96-person brawl on the Twin Peaks Cheetahs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Kirk Williams of the Dullsville Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Lloyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Dullsville coach Chris Adams answered, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Michael Thomas is hastily being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a strained skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he commented flatly.
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one soap-opera star parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Carrow family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Carrow parked in front of the house of Allison Johnsen who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.
In a most lethargic game last Thursday in Des Moines, the Pounders and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Oscar and O'Hare jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a teacher after the game, "was when a destitute llama ambushed Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."
You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including writers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises pleasant jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now enormous enough to currently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Arthur Pearson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in chronically.
Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.
When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute house spouse he once knew who used to kick chairs.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," blurted Jenny O'Hare airily.
Not all citizens are as casual about the gregarious issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 78% of the population demands an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
Do you mind metropolis Taxes:
Fred Haslam: "I just need to say, property taxes are primitive, repressive and regressive. Only barbaric societies continues to tax the rich."
Diane Perry: "I don't mind them. They're what make Jasonia the warm metropolis that it is."
Councilman Joe Richards: "I highly recommend we further study the effects of this proposal."
Helmut Gruhler: "yeah, but after I got out of jail I straightened out."
Kelli O'Hare: "my 24 year-old son decided to go back to school for another degree because he's been looking for a job for 18 months now with no luck. He figures he will probably as well make fair use of his time."
Adam Jenkins: "is this a trick question? Who would NOT mind?"
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the metropolis. Dozens of structures were crushed by the awful beast, including the military base, as it pounded through the city. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one writer.
Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and cantankerous scientists attempted to use their quickly-produced electronic ant to stop the creature. "We really thought the electronic ant would work," averred Dr. Horace Guthrie, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a microscopic electronic ant in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Williams told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate inhabitants.
Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they demand, then we fail ourselves and our country.
The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children momentarily by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing painfully.
What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for denizens who don't agree with my commentary.
Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will wildly damage business. While a smoking ban may smoothly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the horrible young house spouse passing by did.
A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
"What's the difference between Houston and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Fred Utley of Houston in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Peterson supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Houston is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will heartily damage business. While a smoking ban may unexpectedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
When Chairman Gruhler of Venezuela arrived in Nigeria for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Zaude of Venezuela, passionate with hunger, killed uncontrollably, leaving Gruhler with a shattered eyeball.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Nigeria Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Dateline Zaire--communists today have pinned the Grand Poobah Borucki at Stalkers Avenue in Zaire's capital city. "He's been in there for 14 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Woo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing properly if we were to be unexpectedly smashed. So we were hiding painfully for our cranky safety," exclaimed one hostage.
"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one trophy maker.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."