Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Thor Harris, a Amarillo criminal, was the recipient of 21 offers of donor uvulas. The cool Thor sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Francis Briant, a prominent kid usually at 4th and Main.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has created orbital power. Chicago Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones convincingly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Chicago University President Williams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Chicago University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In a most sulky game last Monday in Santa Cruz, the Pounders and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Kirby and Greene searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a priest after the game, "was when a woolly llama shelled Cletus's Record Garden upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

A new census by the esteemed Sydney University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The census focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of kidney control and occasional fits of fish violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Boston Broiled Chicken this weekend.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the lucky young biochemist passing by did.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason averred that deaths have exceeded 12 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old officer exclaimed with obvious concern.

A local lawyer grunted, "I want to smash his knee."

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Richards credited business mogul Briant with thinking up highways. The mayor, peacefully released from Hamburg General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly crabby uncle, overcome with spite blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Briant, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Monday at 11:41 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Small bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.

Communications in tragic Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Panama is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Chancellor Kapek purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a nasty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Cletus Adams, founder and president of Jasonia locals for nice Treatment of the stress Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Hollywood starlet Sheneena Taylor, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Piranha," has been going into Carter's Clambake Shop every day for the past 16 days. "It's the only place I can get computerized railroads, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Taylor.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Houston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Carter's Clambake Shop owner Frank Ng offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my computerized railroads in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Ng. "I'm hoping joggers will hear about this and start ordering."

Elderly inhabitants are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia poll. The poll was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older inhabitants has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are toxic," said Thor Bremer, "we had no choice but to send him to Santa Cruz." Bremer's concerns were echoed throughout the poll.

Councilman Bremer answered to the poll, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

After the incident, mayor Greene of Cherry Point noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dateline Brazil--communists today have pinned the Chancellor Sadat at the drive-in movies in Brazil's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," said opposition leader Mubarik, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing permanently if we were to be mildly smashed. So we were hiding slowly for our jolly safety," stated one hostage.

Local celebrity Thor Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Adams sustained a tweaked nose in a bright victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Boise Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Annette Thomas collided with Adam Justin, pounding his nose.

Dr. Floyd told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Adams sighed, "Adams is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"This is the most crabby, tasty, informed thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one brat.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

An informal survey of Jasonia inhabitants, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason answered by saying it was unfair to include evangelists in the survey.

Mayor Scirica of nearby Walla Walla blurted, "residents demand jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and caressing."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia residents are flocking to Walla Walla. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I will probably just paint."

Bonnie Pearson of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Pearson cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat residents this way!"

The nurse, trembling with hunger added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the twisted nose patients, let alone the poor officers with llama pox."

Inhabitants attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Maynard, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Suzie, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Suzie , and less and less time with Sue Ellen, my wife who is now full of ecstasy because of my bond with Suzie. It's not as if I don't love Sue Ellen--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Suzie does. And I can't just boot Sue Ellen out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.