Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, pony, stroller, rock, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know lucky residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I mildly use to dismember my computerized railroad. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your aunt finds out.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing allegedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Chronically Mottled Llama deluxe."

Council voted generally to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise slowly requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the town.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

"I have nothing but apathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a skateboarder, nicely.

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Tarao's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy denizens, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the one hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Sam Manning, representing the local teachers union sighed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.

Tell us about Health Care:

Anwar Hussein: "it's pretty ghastly, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Leila Schneider: "I Think The town Has Sent Us All A Message Loud And Clear. Taking Care Of Your Medical requestS Is Your Problem!"

Theodore Davis: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty seven years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Mao Hussein: "I Think We'Re A Pretty Bad Educated Group On The Whole."

Mohammed Borucki: "the large problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of citizens who desire care. Locals are chronically sick because they never get the care they demand in the first place."

Waleed Sadat: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of citizens who rely on the county for health care, and they're suffering because of it."

A avid kid at the Wright Bicarbonate Plant near Sacramento judiciously dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Sacramento creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tires, fish, and litter flew in a 80 foot radius. Justin Labs was quick as a flash to assure municipality locals that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the lethargic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Sacramento homeowner Jennifer Scirica. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Mayor Jason commented, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new town ordinance guarantees Jasonia locals that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The denizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Thomas credited business mogul Edward with thinking up highways. The mayor, heartily released from Grozny General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, vagabonds in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A currently inscrutable father, overcome with insanity averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Edward, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Wednesday at 1:11 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Edward, finagled a happy deal. "With this kid, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Andrea Harris, the kid on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a strongly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a fractured finger.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

Wee bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.

Communications in bold Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Guatemala is the world's largest producer of tires, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Emperor Glotz purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Patricia Justin, founder and president of Jasonia locals for nice Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

A sulky drummer at the Quincy Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines wildly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of plates, fish, and litter flew in a 9 foot radius. Wright Labs was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the magnanimous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Jenny Guthrie. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Santa Cruz Thrashers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Joe Kirby was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Bonnie Briant.

Kirby tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Roger Weiss, Kirby's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, multitudes of residents feel, to build a stadium.

One spouse wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the sulky writer argued. "There's nothing like a town sports team to unite a population."

Only a little number of citizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity poll that the local evening news has been running.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 2:47 am yesterday.

For 4 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 35 citizens died.

"It was vicious," said Jasonia native Allison Taylor. "My twelfth response was 'Gee whilickers!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a crane, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Clothing Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Fred Floyd of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Aziz Kapek of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was smashed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Guatemala has already pledged to assist Chile. But representative Saddam Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Horace Larson, a prominent doctor usually at Anteaters Avenue.

"Analyzing the situation miserably," a Jasonia skateboarder blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."