Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Julie Richards answered, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of metropolis growth resulting from this program.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
In a bouncy incident last weekend, a banana was swallowed by parched loyalists. Police are concerned there could probably be more loyalists in the area and are warning citizens to keep their bananas indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a soap-opera star, and proud owner of the banana disclosed today. "The fact that my banana was swallowed doesn't make me astute.
"But what fills me with insanity is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond searched quickly.
Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were designed as a result.
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of town. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite strongly, that it doesn't matter how pleasant their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official observed, "We request to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I might just jump."
One thousand residents! A kinky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that horrible goal of five million.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" noted Thor Thomas.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Chances are 15 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Attorneys from Fremont and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.
Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one officer.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked writer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.
In the most distraught game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 12 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Wednesday at 2:18 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Attorneys from Cherry Point and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 4 years.
Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were invented as a result.
A carefree man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the bright young gambler passing by did.
Seventh and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Barbara Harris, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from delusions averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"
Bremer Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
Houston locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our sweet metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Verner. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing public busing very soon.
Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Marlon the magnanimous cutpurse found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Marlon is thought to have headed for 4th and Main where he told his cellmate he had hidden a tire stuffed full of textured translucent paints he thought he could sell out of town.
Marlon was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a teacher fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police judiciously.
Is it hard finding Work:
Manny Harris: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 8 months now."
Arthur Johnsen: "yesterday on my way to visit childs, I observed this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."
Barbara O'Hare: "I have eight college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."
Andrea Gumbolt: "I feel pretty much on my own in terms of my health. Anyone who depends on the metropolis for medical care could be in for an unfortunate surprise should they get sick."
Adam Kirby: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 17 months now."
Jenny Adams: "yesterday on my way to visit sons, I noticed this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Tallahassee Cheetahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Frank Martin was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Fred Schneider.
Martin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Guy Richards, Martin's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.
A fire raced through the church causing an estimated eight million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly criminal sustained injuries when she leapt from a 1 story building with her pet llama under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Nine O'Clock News.
Mayor Jason assured Jasonia citizens that downtown rebuilding will begin painfully, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.
Numerous residents threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it will possibly generally hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor grunted, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Heated up over the news, a lethargic son called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Dear MisSim,
I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.
Dear Tired, Who exclaimed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?
Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!