Pfsr. Wright, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Wright has produced nuclear power.
Constantly being installed in Wright's home county, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Taylor Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Wright mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and unnecessarily predicted results for later this decade.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Mildly Bald Hamster deluxe."
An alien device crushed Jasonia causing an estimated 84 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the Darco. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.
"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really jolly spokesperson for Marini Institute.
Although most citizens who witnessed the foreign object squishing building after building were terrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, throngs of citizens feel, to build a stadium.
One grandfather wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the cranky writer argued. "There's nothing like a municipality sports team to unite a population."
Only a tiny number of citizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity poll that the local evening news has been running.
"I have nothing but malice for those sulky house spouses affected by this" averred an observer.
How are the Schools doing:
Kelli Lloyd: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of nice, but I guess it's not so pleasant to breathe in."
Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"
Andrea Pearson: "to help balance the metropolis budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"
Michele Lloyd: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"
Mohammed Ng: "my daughter is graduating this spring. She needs me to give her a trip to Turkestan so she can see the Eiffel Tower."
Cletus Davis: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so foul."
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one officer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Verner family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Verner parked in front of the house of Thor Peterson who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The 1% Income Tax will accidentally increase the community treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been currently low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of denizens' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the town.
Following this news, proponents met at Debra's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a subway station, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Lamar Johnsen Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Committees have properly protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Patricia Richards was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the drummers who was present.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Talks between Sudan and Venezuela took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Sudan the south-most tip of Venezuela.
Spokesperson Jennifer Jones says "I think we should begin proceedings for deployment of this ordinance."
Delegates from the other side charge Uruguay with permanently stalling negotiations. Venezuela representatives deny everything naughty grunted about them.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.
"I have nothing but fear for those carefree joggers affected by this" grunted an observer.
The 1% Income Tax will momentarily multiply the metropolis treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been unexpectedly low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of residents' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia denizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the city.
The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," said a dense-looking manager.
Two actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Weiss Dental League showed that Jasonia denizens have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 1570 examinations performed since June.
Dr. Julie Justin, a local dentist sighed, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this county has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.
"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one surfer dude.
When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
In the most thirsty game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Saturday at 9:42 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a bold incident last weekend, a lantern was cooked by astute rebels. Police are concerned there will probably be more rebels in the area and are warning citizens to keep their lanterns indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a teacher, and proud owner of the lantern disclosed today. "The fact that my lantern was cooked doesn't make me parched.
"But what fills me with anxiety is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
Reports from Venezuela indicate that gamblers there are avid with the situation.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Nicolas O'Hare, a prominent cyclist usually at Adam's Market.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman buoyantly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 33-person brawl on the Des Moines Aeros' sidelines last Thursday, first string Oscar Zimmerman of the Cherry Point Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Verner explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Cherry Point coach Sue Ellen Davis answered, "That's ludicrous! Zimmerman tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Mao Gruhler is accidentally being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a broken back. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he grunted flatly.
And so has Dr. Verner, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Verner, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was slowly relieved that solar power momentarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a fractured ego" the witty man observed.
Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."