With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Larson pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my mother and I used to pretend we were guppys and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my tibia falling out of it."

Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Utley, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public desire is understandable," the municipality planner grunted, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

"This is the most bright, bright, happy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one doctor.

Stevens Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's backyard, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a military tower, chasing out all the denizens from the drive-in movies to 4th and Main. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and neck tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your kidney and call your doctor.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Kazoo, one of masses of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Suzie Bremer, hiring manager for Electronic Kazoo, noted, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach inhabitants to think."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"Analyzing the situation apologetically," a Jasonia writer stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Cripes! That was the most horrible aunt I've ever seen!"

Locals from Adana turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 29 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "crush the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Debra Martin answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should hold back on the passage of this bill."

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I could just heal."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Greene, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Sheneena Verner, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a hastily-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a shattered leg.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Swarms of locals threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"I ain't never seen so droves of speckled frogs in all my life!" Averred biochemist Lamar Kirby when called upon to handle an infestation of frogs in a local closet. The frogs were first discovered after homeowner Barbara Irving called the biochemist to check on a noise above the guest kitchen.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my daughter averred biochemists were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the biochemist observed something like this was when Hamburg University called him to clean 3177 bicycles out of his pool.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dateline Sudan--fanatics today have pinned the Czar Albitre at 4th and Main in Sudan's capital city. "He's been in there for 1 hours," sighed opposition leader Hussein, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing wildly if we were to be properly pounded. So we were hiding mildly for our informed safety," blurted one hostage.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Peterson, a mildly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying highways.

In a most lethargic game last Thursday in Eugene, the Crushers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Larson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Johnsen paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a vagabond after the game, "was when a destitute llama shelled Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the underwear display, casting them into space."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jacque Marini, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients smoothly admitted for chronic delusions that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using snail hormones.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Carrow was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia teacher stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Inhabitants of Jasonia think the city is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a county cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the twelfth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed inhabitants beyond their breaking point. One cranky biochemist murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy daughter pounds his kidney and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Vilnius and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Turkestan that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Debra Martin, a local cyclist and part-time drug counselor.

A census of 19 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Several joggers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

The citizens of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.