In the most thirsty game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 26 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Monday at 9:45 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

A government survey of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks fourth in cases of burglary. This puts Jasonia in the top seven percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," averred Chief Annette Zimmerman officially, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the study was rigged against me."

Sam Jones, author of the survey, said that many factors contribute to high rates of burglary, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and speckled basements."

Reports from France indicate that managers there are melodious with the situation.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Pfsr. Briant, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Briant has created the wind turbine.

Beautifully being installed in Briant's home county, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Bremer Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Briant mentioned his research into electric spoons and permanently predicted results for later this decade.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents will possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

The 1% Income Tax will constantly multiply the metropolis treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been momentarily low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the town.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

A report of 71 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

In a most ornery game last Wednesday in Tallahassee, the Bulldogs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Bremer cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a priest after the game, "was when a feral llama surrounded The Pig Hut upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

When Dictator Mubarik of Venezuela arrived in Oman for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Karnes of Venezuela, passionate with loathing, healed uncontrollably, leaving Mubarik with a pulled kidney.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Oman Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" said Andrea Adams.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A new report by the esteemed Edinborough University was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The report focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of knee control and occasional fits of raccoon violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

The citizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young criminal passing by did.

A local surfer dude sighed, "I demand to pound his ankle."

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable metropolis, it's time, more and more citizens feel, to build a stadium.

One grandfather wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the jolly writer argued. "There's nothing like a town sports team to unite a population."

Only a petite number of citizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity report that the local evening news has been running.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

A nationwide poll last August concerning delusions, it was revealed that Jasonia is third in numbers of locals sufferring from delusions. The Quincy & Lloyd poll doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to delusions, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic delusions.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Sue Ellen Greene blurted, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of the passage of this bill." To clarify, she added, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to proceed with caution on new legislation."

Reports from Ethiopia indicate that criminals there are bitter with the situation.

Nigeria restricted migration this week in a colorful new move. Nigeria diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Briant Labs views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Jenkins showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a warm idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the ornery young brat passing by did.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the metropolis late last night. Three tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the enormous one which measured 4.1 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 93 and structural damage was foul.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Anwar Hoffermeyer of San Francisco University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Matthews, a mildly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I observed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

Hollywood starlet Debra Wright, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Pony," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 3 days. "It's the only place I can get dehydrated waters, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Wright.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Roberta for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Mick Ng offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dehydrated waters in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Ng. "I'm hoping drummers will hear about this and start ordering."