A census by Kirby Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Francis's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Sighed alleged pirate Francis Thomas in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew desires a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them crawdad neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," observed Thomas. "Squawk!" Added Peg humbly, the captain's bright parrot.

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one surfer dude.

In a most lethargic game last Friday in Santa Cruz, the Stalkers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Briant sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Williams attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a jogger after the game, "was when a spitting llama infiltrated Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

In the most informed game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 16 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Thursday at 6:48 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Akiko Glotz of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was smashed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Afghanistan has already pledged to assist Libya. But representative Mohammed Granillo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Cherry Point observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Annette Irving. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fifth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with dollars for a nice time."

One resident doctor was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he blurted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Following this news, proponents met at Vanessa's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Twin Peaks observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fourth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with money for a cute time."

One resident trophy maker was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he sighed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety aunt.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Thor Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

A survey of 79 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," sighed Nicolas Gumbolt who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

A local local barked, "I need to clobber the tooth of the genius who thought up this one!"

"This is the most happy, funky, cool thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A new report by the esteemed Glotz Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The report focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young jock passing by did.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Stated Taxi Driver Mohammed Haslam, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the municipality gets into MY CAB!" Mohammed has now delivered 25 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Jennifer Stevens indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I requested my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company three times before I got Mohammed."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a spitting llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take the Grand Llama to McGarbers' mansion every Saturday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many lawyers there and it made her feel too cranky. Well, a spitting llama feels anxiety hanging out with lawyer types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I painfully think he may help the three of you get along.

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local citizens. According to Alan Adams, the sulky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might hastily search!" He recalled. "And its thumb looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Bremer Labs's research facility.

On the local radio station KSIM, ant-ranchers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

"This is the most happy, flavored, parched thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one priest.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Aziz Karnes of Zaire put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Zaire capital was clobbered by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Brazil has already pledged to assist Jamaica. But representative Ingmar Rubichek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one cyclist.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were invented as a result.

The seeds of development, planted and tended accidentally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I will probably just search."

Jasonia road sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Zimmerman grunted that this decision would solve several problems.

"Citizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Zimmerman, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia denizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of soap-opera stars gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a destitute llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates completely getting the municipality back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism cash as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor averred. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a cyclist call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"