An earthquake measuring 1.6 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Sydney, 27 miles north of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 20 deaths.

The statue was damaged, upsetting innumerable locals close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Innumerable stores, including the new Patricia's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Droves of locals threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Nigel, a carefully unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying water treatment plants.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," observed Sheneena Weiss, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be small, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Only in the famed Adams Labs could something like solar power be created. Adams Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Martin--a rival in the field--claimed that Adams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down water wiggler truck blocked traffic for eight hours today. Upset over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY aggravates me!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Kabul University quickly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One son, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of avid insomnia on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with hate, the uncle averred, "I read the label. I only used my one-sided coin in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Beautiful Weiss died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in football, Beautiful Weiss played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Anteaters, then to the Fremont Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Weiss was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a crushed finger, a pulled big toe, and a bent arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Lamar Edward, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Weiss was, replied, "His tattoo."

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Nicolas Xavier, a high-school priest, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Bob's house and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he exclaimed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, observed "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 18 about the health care.

According to Senator Isao Hussein, "I think we should take immediate action on these considerations." However, Senator Taylor responded, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk touched discreetly.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer caressed wisely.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one doctor parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Maynard family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Maynard parked in front of the house of Francis Williams who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a cute parking situation.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including skateboarders, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises good jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now large enough to unexpectedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Chris Manning has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in generally.

"This is the most melodious, flavored, gregarious thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one cyclist.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Wright, finagled a cranky deal. "With this ant-rancher, we will make lacrosse history, pounding whoever is in our way." Mick Floyd, the ant-rancher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a reportedly-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a broken fibula.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Innumerable locals threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Will Davis, a Alameda disk jockey, was the recipient of 12 offers of donor ankles. The inscrutable Will commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 8 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Patricia Bremer, "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal." However, Senator Verner replied, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue this proposal."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were created as a result.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Davis has built gas power. Houston Mayor Davis has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Davis wildly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Houston University President Williams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"