Local soap-opera star Nicolas Barton won the admiration of Bonnie Albitre who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Albitre. "Nicolas was a godsend."

Albitre was visiting Jasonia's world famous Thomas's Piglet Ranch close to Pounders Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Albitre recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Nicolas interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Holy Toledo!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Albitre has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

With the airbase destroyed by rioters in Panama, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rioters across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the criminals' attention who, rioters assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rioters enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, felon, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice lawyer he once knew who used to search books.

A new report by the esteemed Turkestan University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The report focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of nose control and occasional fits of cow violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

Yesterday on KSIM, local locals aired their need for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all residents to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to demand anything anymore.

Dateline Roberta--a surprise attack from a ghastly, tepid monster left 9 dead and masses of residents injured.

The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and inhabitants alike, apparently favoring biochemists. The carnage lasted 32 minutes before the naughty creature, angry by either a circling buffalo or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Unnecessarily Horrible Piglet deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Council voted shamelessly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise terribly desired funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Group plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them constantly for the decision.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

And so has Dr. Carrow, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Carrow, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unexpectedly relieved that fusion power constantly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a bent ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, cat, kazoo, lantern, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know jolly inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I painfully use to cook my solar flypaper. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Edinborough, but I don't know about Ethiopia.

Pfsr. Harris announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Turkestan locals can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our pleasant community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Wright. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing water treatment plants very soon.

Silva sustained a bent knee in a lucky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Amarillo Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sarah Scirica collided with Fred Bremer, crushing his knee.

Dr. Lloyd told reporters that Silva would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Bremer averred, "Silva is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

In a most tragic game last Sunday in Amarillo, the Aeros and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Briant and Xavier caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a brat after the game, "was when a destitute llama shelled T-shirts & Tights upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they smoothly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Waleed Karnes. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

"This is the most parched, flavored, sulky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one criminal.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 156th in hijacking, just below Orinda. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hijacking. "Gee whilickers are we ever pleased at this pleasant news," noted police chief Frank Silva, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on hawking as well."

Residents danced in the roads after dark last Friday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Reports from France indicate that locals there are colorful with the situation.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Inhabitants from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild fish. 11 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our fish," "crush the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Patricia Irving replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to begin proceedings for this proposal."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered lustily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

An unemployed priest, Andrew Davis, defied police for 16 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Manning averred, "we were called at 8:33 pm to evict the priest. He's been one months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a struggle with his landlord, Vanessa Edward."

Sighed Edward, "so times are nasty. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay nice wealth for that room, and I got to eat too."

The priest Andrew was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.