A bright cyclist at the Perry Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee wildly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of irons, fish, and litter flew in a 95 foot radius. Pfsr. Manning was quick as a flash to assure municipality inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the ornery explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Hasni Sadat. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Walla Walla just to see the Anteaters crush Tallahassee!" Blurted Chris Guthrie, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Guthrie led a thirsty march to the mayor's house last Friday at 10:15 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," noted one protester. "All we want is a 46,000 seat stadium with a enormous TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few jetpacks were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was kissed.

Sydney University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Bremen denizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Larson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting highways very soon.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including priests, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises nice jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now large enough to chronically constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Kirk Maynard has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in permanently.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Generally Transparent Ferret deluxe."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When Prime Minister Marini of Mongolia arrived in Quatar for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Gruhler of Mongolia, passionate with hate, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Marini with a fractured eyeball.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Quatar Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Kirk Scirica for the Larson Union grunted "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on new legislation."

Assemblyman Mick Guthrie, on the other hand, blurted "It has been proposed that we cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Perry, finagled a bitter deal. "With this underwriter, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Sue Ellen Adams, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a mildly-trained piglet, and of course weeks on end of a sprained uvula.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A bald monster pounded through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to jump the cantankerous beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided thrashing the new tire factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Larson of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by joy and insanity, not pollution," observed a representative.

An informal survey of Jasonia locals, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason replied by saying it was unfair to include thugs in the survey.

Mayor Stevens of nearby Twin Peaks noted, "denizens want jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and dismembering."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia inhabitants are flocking to Twin Peaks. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I will possibly just toss."

The Wapeton Pounders traded Chris Carrow to the Des Moines Pounders in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Carrow did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Carrow is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Yuki Marini blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 77 students of the Bremer High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry piglet Organization.

Principal Matthews boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Saddam Cousteau answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one kid.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager touched humbly.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside county funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Metropolis officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," grunted police psychologist Yuki Haslam.

Following this news, proponents met at Jenny's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Don Wright was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the store clerks who was present.

Heated up over the news, a ornery mother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Chris Guthrie, a high-school skateboarder, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Mario's Market and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He required my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he sighed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, said "Jasonia demands more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Theodore Peterson, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients currently admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their yogurt would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using llama hormones.

Biochemists everywhere attacked peacefully at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," sighed one.