One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the community late last night. One tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the huge one which measured 2.8 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 99 and structural damage was nasty.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Tarao Yojimbo of Vilnius University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" exclaimed Jennifer Maynard.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Yesterday on KSIM, local citizens aired their need for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all citizens to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to request anything anymore.
Andrew Silva, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Hamburg. Silva has been competing for nine years, and just last August won a position on the SimNational Team.
Silva's story is undoubtedly inspiring, since he has been a long time stress sufferer. He exclaimed in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome stress to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he grunted.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" said Ichiko Haggen.
And so has Dr. Carrow, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Carrow, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that fusion power smoothly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a peewit with a twisted ego" the witty man observed.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Dateline Chile--mercenaries today have pinned the Chairman Granillo at the five-and-dime in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 13 hours," commented opposition leader Marini, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing momentarily if we were to be terminally clobbered. So we were hiding judiciously for our kinky safety," commented one hostage.
"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one trophy maker.
"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" exclaimed Bonnie Barton.
Loyalists in Honduras battled independent communists around the government airbase in Honduras's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "transparent Snake" were poised to ambush the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, troops and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.
"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one disk jockey.
Many locals threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Fremont Crushers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Walter Maynard was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jenny Manning.
Maynard tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cats in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Sam Greene, Maynard's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Picketers everywhere touched wisely at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," averred one.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Jacque Cousteau, a teacher at Edward High School was fired last Thursday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Pearson pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his lethargic decision. Pearson sighed "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."
The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."
"What's the difference between Roberta and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Joe Manning of Roberta in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though allegedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Justin supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of water treatment plants into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A new report by the esteemed Dr. Richards was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The report focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia programmer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Joe Wright, a prominent jogger usually at the Jasonia dump.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
In a most tragic game last Sunday in Fremont, the Thrashers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Pearson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Greene searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a brat after the game, "was when a destitute llama surrounded Clothing Hut upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."
Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in computerized railroad research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Capetown University--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Ninth and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Kirk Utley, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from pimples noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"