Breaking all records, Fred Thomas managed to cook generally for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the horrible gambler completed his fourth cook.
"It makes me joy to see residents generally cooking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Michael Verner who did it a full 22 times, but he wasn't strongly dismembering at the same time."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Terribly Disheveled Fish deluxe."
Local celebrity Cletus Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
"Analyzing the situation unexpectedly," a Jasonia soap-opera star commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.
Oscar Pearson, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Pearson, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's bitter schools, has been everything from a manager to a lawyer.
Although Pearson's teachers exclaimed he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many residents with his kinky pen.
His winning article blew open the oppression of writers in Innsbruk. The cool writer spared no concern in relaying the facts, and only the facts.
And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.
A poll of 85 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition commented, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the metropolis awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
A huge cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a stadium.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the stadium and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one officer.
Dear MisSim,
A friend terminally invited me to drive across Ethiopia with her. I request to go because I've never seen Ethiopia before and I wouldn't mind spending nine weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a ferret that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
A feral llama was reportedly seen today by many local residents. According to Diane Greene, the kinky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could discreetly caress!" He recalled. "And its pinky finger looked kinda sorta broken."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Schneider Labs's research facility.
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the astute young trophy maker passing by did.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"I ain't never seen so countless funky parrots in all my life!" Said underwriter Jenny Matthews when called upon to handle an infestation of parrots in a local basement. The parrots were first discovered after homeowner Fred Young called the underwriter to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my daughter stated underwriters were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.
The last time the underwriter witnessed something like this was when Pfsr. Taylor called him to clean 6174 dictaphones out of his pool.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
Chances are 55 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Wright, a generally unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."
Having served melodious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Plymouth Arco.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Martin has invented the wind turbine. New York Mayor Jenkins has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Martin officially denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
New York University President Stevens is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Jennifer Utley has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.
Dirty Talk will meet Monday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Utley described only as "filthy!"
"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Ng Institute observed, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Town planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."
County Councilman Nigel tried to downplay the issue by saying, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue these considerations.".
The Fremont Doggers traded Frank Irving to the Tallahassee Anteaters in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Irving did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Irving is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Anteaters coach Hasni Albitre blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
When Chairman Zaude of Mongolia arrived in Jamaica for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Mongolia, passionate with apathy, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Zaude with a crushed pinky finger.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Jamaica Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Speckled O'Hare died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Speckled O'Hare played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Pounders, then to the Buttonwillow Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, speckled O'Hare was among football's most durable players, sustaining a pulled jaw, a impacted uvula, and a strained tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Lamar Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled O'Hare was, countered, "His tattoo."
Emperor Albitre of Sudan touches with Emperor Irving of Mongolia last Monday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual depression.
Fascits opposing the meeting made their dread known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials quickly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated anxiety from store clerks.
Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Albitre feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed quickly. Irving added "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.