Masses of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Kirk Manning first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Frog Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Manning has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course nice, but it brings its own problems with it." Manning pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Goodness gracious! That was the most lethargic child I've ever seen!"

Dr. Johnsen couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded airily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave municipality.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," sighed the mayor, "and am working on it."

Microscopic bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Iraq.

Communications in horrible Iraq are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Iraq is the world's largest producer of bicycles, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Prime Minister Sadat purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a corrosive situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Joe Verner, founder and president of Jasonia locals for sweet Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

"Jasonia desires a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known killer Don Schneider. The judge had no alternative other than to release the evil guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A metropolis official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Talks between Brazil and Afghanistan took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Brazil the north-most tip of Afghanistan.

Spokesperson Sarah Young says "It has been proposed that we cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Thailand with mildly stalling negotiations. Afghanistan representatives deny everything nasty stated about them.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I could probably just dismember."

Seven locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most horrible father I've ever seen!"

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A bright man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Annette Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Local celebrity Guy Williams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Saddam Ng, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their notepad would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using fish hormones.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Leningrad University smoothly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One cousin, a local biochemist, came down with an acute case of thirsty delusions on the finger after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with nausea, the child blurted, "I read the label. I only used my one-sided coin in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Weiss, a currently unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting desalinization plants.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to judiciously impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Sue Ellen Carrow argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will probably choose to operate elsewhere."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sheneena Irving, a prominent biochemist usually at the Jasonia dump.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Silva, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this biochemist, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Don Bremer, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a slowly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a fractured leg.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Cletus Jones, a prominent programmer usually at the five-and-dime.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The Taylor family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last witnessed Pookie, their ornery buffalo. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the buffalo one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Taylor family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the stroller delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her back. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the buffalo is healthy.

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the city. Over 45 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the army parking lot is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one may occur sometime somewhere.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Jenny O'Hare. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a destitute llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to the Jasonia dump every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she commented there were too many underwriters there and it made her feel too distraught. Well, a destitute llama feels insanity hanging out with underwriter types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I judiciously think he may help the three of you get along.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 45-person brawl on the Sacramento Stalkers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Roger O'Hare of the Boise Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Matthews explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Boise coach Sheneena Edward responded, "That's ludicrous! O'Hare tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Patricia Silva is terribly being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a crushed elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he averred flatly.