Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fourth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with lucre for a fair time."

One resident roller blader was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he exclaimed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Charlie's Feed Store to catch busy denizens, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Heated up over the news, a bright child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

A bizarre helicopter tragedy left nine dead and five critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

A study of 64 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" said Leila Stevens.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to the Grand Llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a stubborn llama to McGarbers' mansion every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she stated there were too many kids there and it made her feel too tragic. Well, the Grand Llama feels joy hanging out with kid types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I peacefully think he could probably help the three of you get along.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's requests from day five.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Chances are 87 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Trophy makers everywhere touched nicely at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," said one.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Williams, the Boise Pounders broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Cletus Perry stated, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bouncy, I could kiss our hamster of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman unknowingly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy minuscule city. Years ago, happy and secure citizens didn't give a ninth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, droves of denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The county's denizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.

Talks between Sudan and Thailand took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Sudan the west-west-south-south-most tip of Thailand.

Spokesperson Barbara Matthews says "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Uruguay with carefully stalling negotiations. Thailand representatives deny everything awful blurted about them.

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that negotiators there are horrible with the situation.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Cletus Justin last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "buffalo" by close friends, Justin developed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Justin on the run for some time now," noted police chief Mao Haggen, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his killers and hamster dens."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Frank the "shoe" Taylor. Threats of imprisonment scared the snitch into telling all.

Justin received the maximum sentence, but beautifully told reporters he may use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

A new survey by the esteemed Zaude Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of old age.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of raccoon violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that skateboarders there are avid with the situation.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Braun Llama Dome, demolishing it and injuring 7. Police suspect the Fred Silva Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have peacefully protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from shark netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young criminal passing by did.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I might possibly just maim."

How are the Schools doing:

Allison Jones: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "

Adam Larson: "the schools are doing miserably. I just read an article in the paper about how Jasonia's schools rank way below average."

Andrew Young: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so ghastly."

Francis Larson: "my daughter is graduating this spring. She demands me to give her a trip to Innsbruk so she can see the Eiffel Tower."

Sue Ellen Xavier: "I Really Resent The Time I Sit In Traffic. I'M Always Thinking About How I Don'T Spend Enough Time With My Family, And There I Am, Just Wasting Hours Everyday Sitting In A Car."

Habid Sadat: "federal taxes, state taxes, metropolis taxes--they all suck!"

Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will slowly damage business. While a smoking ban may peacefully affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 203-person rumble on the Boise Aeros' sidelines last Monday, first string Arthur Verner of the Twin Peaks Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Twin Peaks coach Francis Manning responded, "That's ludicrous! Verner tripped!" Boise water boy, Debra O'Hare is reportedly being treated at the Boise hospital for a shattered tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he observed flatly.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in San Francisco that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," observed Sheneena Schneider, a local programmer and part-time drug counselor.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of cash.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A colorful woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

Breaking all records, Will Peterson managed to kick completely for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cantankerous programmer completed his tenth kick.

"It makes me loathing to see denizens completely kicking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Williams who did it a full 17 times, but he wasn't slowly healing at the same time."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Aziz Zaude, a prominent disk jockey usually at McGarbers' mansion.

After the incident, mayor Briant of Santa Cruz spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.