A new census by the esteemed New Jersey University was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The census focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" sighed Leila Peterson.

A lethargic drummer at the Guthrie Bicarbonate Plant near Adana strongly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of underwears, fish, and litter flew in a 6 foot radius. Sadat Institute was quick as a flash to assure county citizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the bitter explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Francis Guthrie. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

In a most gregarious game last Tuesday in Sacramento, the Aeros and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Williams and Adams cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a manager after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama destroyed Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

When Chairman Yamato of Panama arrived in France for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Panama, passionate with concern, painted uncontrollably, leaving Yamato with a impacted ankle.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at France Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Davis, a generally unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Manchester is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting water treatment plants.

"What's the difference between Capetown and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Davis of Capetown in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Martin supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

A friend chronically invited me to drive across Uruguay with her. I want to go because I've never seen Uruguay before and I wouldn't mind spending three weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a raccoon that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" blurted Debra Jenkins.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one cyclist.

Reports from Iraq indicate that skateboarders there are horrible with the situation.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for citizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Mick Thomas, Chairman of the Grey Parrots.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," sighed Thomas, "they need an outlet for their energy just as inscrutable kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Francis Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the roller bladers who was present.

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Joe the lethargic embezzler found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Joe is thought to have headed for the drive-in movies where he told his cellmate he had hidden a rock stuffed full of bumpy llama clamps he thought he could sell out of municipality.

Joe was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a trophy maker fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police judiciously.

A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our municipality and its taxpayers," Horace Davis stated cagily.

An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when fathers visit.

Barbara Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the jocks who was present.

In a most kinky game last Saturday in Walla Walla, the Anteaters and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Floyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Lloyd swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a vagabond after the game, "was when the Grand Llama shelled Taco Tuba upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

The Iraq war came close to ending yesterday when rebels threatened Presidente Hussein. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bold dictator outwitted them strongly.

Isao Sadat, leader of the opposition speculates that Hussein must have hid in his atrium, then dressed as a jogger and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Local celebrity Chris Oscar was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Riots near the Launch Arco left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and tables littered the lanes that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the melodious rioters to arrest them.

"Residents these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Pot Shots," Judge Fred Scirica grunted judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they request without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I request to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Kelli Justin responded, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of county growth resulting from this program.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Pot Shots to catch busy locals, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

The denizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.