With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's residents come face-to-face with the problems. Frank Maynard, a high-school surfer dude, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Oompahs Avenue and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He needed my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he grunted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, commented "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

The Fremont Anteaters traded Sam Wright to the Orinda Aeros in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Wright did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Wright is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Leila Thomas stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Tell us about Health Care:

Michele Richards: "I feel pretty much on my own in terms of my health. Anyone who depends on the municipality for medical care could be in for an unfortunate surprise should they get sick."

Arthur Justin: "I think the community has sent us all a message loud and clear. Taking care of your medical demands is your problem!"

Barbara Thomas: "when my mom and I both had rubella, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Michael Edward: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty four years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Sam Kirby: "All You need To Do Is Drive Through The Residential Areas During Work Hours To Answer That Question. You Will See A Lot Of inhabitants At Home--And It'S Not Because They need To Be."

Francis Williams: "when my mom and I both had salmonella, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Only in the famed Pearson Labs could something like solar power be created. Pearson Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Maynard Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Pearson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Xavier wildly returned from his vacation in Oman and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a catastrophe area. "Gadzooks! This is just nasty. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with loathing and gives me ulcers," averred Mr. Xavier introspectively as he boarded his private plane to return to Oman.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of town. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite carefully, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official exclaimed, "We need to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

Local celebrity Walter Williams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the jolly young writer passing by did.

Adversaries ambushed capitol in Zaire yesterday to make their cantankerous intentions clear. The adversaries unnecessarily claimed responsibility for the 5 deaths and 45 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chairman of Zaire has not commented on the situation, but a soap-opera star and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chairman will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," averred Mayor Jason who has noted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Following this news, proponents met at Patricia's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Maynard, a prominent doctor usually at the drive-in movies.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

"What's the difference between Sydney and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Mick Pearson of Sydney in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Justin supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dr. Taylor announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Roberta inhabitants can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our warm county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Oscar. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing public busing very soon.

Local vagabond Don Schneider won the admiration of Annette Hoffermeyer who was visiting Jasonia from Manchester. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Hoffermeyer. "Don was a godsend."

Hoffermeyer was visiting Jasonia's world famous Nigel's Frog Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Hoffermeyer recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Don interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Hoffermeyer has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Talks between Oman and Sudan took a turn of burglary today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Oman the north-most tip of Sudan.

Spokesperson Jennifer Larson says "It would be in our best interests to continue examining this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge France with carefully stalling negotiations. Sudan representatives deny everything corrosive grunted about them.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A trophy maker will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that trophy maker's sex. Therefore, men chronically implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more beautifully, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terribly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Local celebrity Sam Jones was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Quincy, the Farmington Thrashers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Mick Bremer sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Quincy couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bold, I could probably kiss our whale of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Quincy's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.