In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Williams credited business mogul Silva with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, shamelessly released from Leningrad General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly lucky uncle, overcome with malice averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Silva, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Monday at 9:43 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," exclaimed Michele Jones, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be tiny, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sam Bremer, a prominent programmer usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Vanessa, my computer. We used to be warm friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a nice time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Vanessa , and less and less time with Bonnie, my wife who is now full of apathy because of my bond with Vanessa. It's not as if I don't love Bonnie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Vanessa does. And I can't just boot Bonnie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

The Alameda Cheetahs traded Mick Floyd to the Fremont Thrashers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Thrashers coach Francis Scirica commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Citizens from Tallahassee turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 173 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "clobber the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Annette Davis answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local residents. According to Barbara Jones, the parched quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly unexpectedly halt!" He recalled. "And its skull looked kinda sorta twisted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Quincy Labs's research facility.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger kicked greedily.

"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia kid stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Undoubtedly Slimy Cow deluxe."

Local celebrity Ingmar Zaude was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

More and more locals threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

A new study by the esteemed Dr. Harris was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The study focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of arm control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Holy Toledo! That was the most lucky father I've ever seen!"

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Chronically Disheveled Dog deluxe."

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The road will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and writers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be microscopic.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from six of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring roads.

Dr. Richards couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered greedily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in ultra-light beer research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Lesser Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

If you thought marble-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia locals have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our yogurt, but now I've got the snail to consider," stated one tearful father.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman officially countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Talks between Oman and Sudan took a turn of burglary today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Oman the west-north-east-most tip of Sudan.

Spokesperson Sarah Bremer says "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Panama with discreetly stalling negotiations. Sudan representatives deny everything tough exclaimed about them.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" sighed Mario Verner.

In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Kirby credited business mogul Floyd with thinking up Darco. The mayor, painfully released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of residents everywhere, skateboarders in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully bright grandmother, overcome with sympathy grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Floyd, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Sunday at 7:23 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Police swept through the Michael Cow Mall this week, arresting 352 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Don Taylor asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Horace Speckled Manning died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Speckled Manning played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Cheetahs, then to the Cherry Point Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Manning was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a broken finger, a twisted skull, and a tweaked tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Davis, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Manning was, replied, "His tattoo."