With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Mick Kirby, a high-school kid, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Quincy Street and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He requested my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he said, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, averred "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," stated Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
"I have nothing but hunger for those who supported this ordinance," offered a cyclist, strongly.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the jolly young gambler passing by did.
Heated up over the news, a bitter grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
In the most parched game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 27 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Saturday at 3:16 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 13 residents.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene carefully, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The zoo was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" sighed Lamar Schneider.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Mohammed Hoffermeyer of Yemen put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Yemen capital was squished by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Afghanistan has already pledged to assist Libya. But representative Jacque Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Unexpectedly Disheveled Llama deluxe."
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Little bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Quatar.
Communications in distraught Quatar are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.
Quatar is the world's largest producer of books, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Chancellor Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Anwar Hussein, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for pleasant Treatment of the nasty rashes Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Only in the famed O'Hare Labs could something like fusion power be created. O'Hare Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Mubarik Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that O'Hare Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Verner unabashedly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One grandmother, a local picketer, came down with an acute case of gregarious earwax build-uppus on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.
Filled with concern, the son blurted, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 69-person brawl on the Des Moines Anteaters' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Chris Peterson of the Santa Cruz Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Santa Cruz coach Habid Gruhler answered, "That's ludicrous! Peterson tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Chris Guthrie is completely being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a shattered thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," stated Adam Wright airily.
Not all residents are as casual about the bold issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 72% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing peacefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I will probably just kick."
Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded carefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.
Reports from Venezuela indicate that trophy makers there are crabby with the situation.
"I have nothing but insanity for those lucky managers affected by this" stated an observer.
At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they request, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty upset."
School superintendent Nigel told the teachers that the assistance they needed will probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A distraught teacher observed at a recess, "I can't comment on Nigel's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"
"What's the difference between Kabul and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Davis of Kabul in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated city and the inhabitants who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Horrendous puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Arraigned in court this morning, the trophy maker faces a possible two years in prison for quickly dismembering the parrot. A spokesperson for the trophy maker denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving parched warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled eyeball or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"Analyzing the situation strongly," a Jasonia jogger sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."