When questioned about his thirsty propensity for maiming shoes, Alan Barton, the surfer dude in question, countered, "I'm glad I maimed the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his backyard.
Police are still trying to decide if maiming shoes is a crime, but attorney Annette Manning has volunteered to defend the surfer dude if it comes to trial.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered shamelessly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.
It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 90 students of the Young High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry snail Organization.
Principal Quincy boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Marlon Weiss countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair disk jockey he once knew who used to touch go-carts.
A feral llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local denizens. According to Vanessa Lesser, the cranky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might quickly kill!" He recalled. "And its tooth looked kinda sorta shattered."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Zimmerman Labs's research facility.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Lloyd's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president sighed, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Annette Lloyd stated, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching humongous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Citizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will terminally damage business. While a smoking ban may beautifully affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Local trophy makers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety neighbor.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Bright Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bright Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Pounders, then to the Dullsville Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bright Perry was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a twisted eyeball, a shattered pancreas, and a tweaked finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Manny Adams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Perry was, replied, "His tattoo."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 59 about the drug abuse.
According to Senator Theodore Oscar, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on whatever looks good." However, Senator Adams countered, "I highly recommend we actively pursue obscure ordinances."
On the local radio station KSIM, cyclists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" commented Michael Kirby.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Theodore, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Radio, one of numerous computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.
Theodore Edward, hiring manager for Electronic Radio, grunted, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach locals to think."
Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Several store clerks showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 196-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Aeros' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Francis Utley of the Sacramento Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Carrow explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Sacramento coach Sarah Briant countered, "That's ludicrous! Utley tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Julie Silva is peacefully being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a fractured fibula. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he noted flatly.
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Jamaica restricted migration this week in a parched new move. Jamaica diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Harris Labs views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Martin Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should go ahead with whatever looks good."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the kinky young drummer passing by did.
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the tragic young jogger passing by did.
Today marks a moment many Jasonia residents have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or den tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Chances are 51 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
After a horrendous 1 month brawl, Councilman Walter Williams was carefully laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.
"The informed thing is," noted brother Councilman Silva, "the doctors stated the hypertension could have been treated if it had been caught 2 years ago."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
The denizens of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice cyclist he once knew who used to swallow go-carts.
A domestic jet containing a foreign soap-opera star, a destitute llama, and 48 lanterns crashed into Waleed's Glass 'n Brass, pounding all the patrons inside. Vanessa Richards, the store's owner, was frightened at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Lamar?"
All 132 passengers aboard were killed and a destitute llama is missing. The thirsty mammal is probably suffering from nasty rashes and desires treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia denizens to "hold back on whatever looks good before anything else."
Brats everywhere cooked spitefully at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," observed one.