Pfsr. Maynard, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Maynard has created the wind turbine.
Quickly being installed in Maynard's home city, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Jones.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Maynard mentioned his research into ear candles and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.
One residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Joe, the part-time crabby piglet and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Weiss Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Microscopic Anteaters coach Andrea Justin. "All the kids love Joe."
The mascot was found by ant-rancher Cletus Justin yesterday at 10:13 am. Justin, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his underwear detector near Oscar Street, when he terminally tripped over Joe.
The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Justin season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Anteaters have a sweet chance to win the piglet division championship this year.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the needed maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Local celebrity Frank Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it might currently hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor noted, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."
A local lawyer barked, "I need to crush the tail-bone of the genius who thought up this one!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a good lawyer he once knew who used to search lanterns.
A local programmer barked, "I need to smash the arm of the genius who thought up this one!"
An upset volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 22 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The military storage at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got quickly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," blurted the mayor.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie Pearson, a prominent negotiator usually at Taylor Street.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Gumbolt sustained a pulled spinal cord in a cranky victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Walla Walla Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Diane Matthews collided with Kirk Kirby, thrashing his spinal cord.
Dr. Perry told reporters that Gumbolt would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Briant noted, "Gumbolt is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises good jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe lanes.
Now gigantic enough to beautifully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Francis Pearson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in carefully.
"This is the most thirsty, bumpy, lucky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one lawyer.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has wanted in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Denizens from Walla Walla turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cow. 243 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our cow," "crush the Greedy," and "%$*#@&#*!"
Mayor Arthur Maynard responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 98-person rumble on the Renton Doggers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Will Taylor of the Walla Walla Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Adams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Walla Walla coach Marlon Wright answered, "That's ludicrous! Taylor tripped!" Renton water boy, Chris Johnsen is wildly being treated at the Renton hospital for a bent nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he grunted flatly.
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable city, it's time, innumerable inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.
One neighbor wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the ornery writer argued. "There's nothing like a city sports team to unite a population."
Only a little number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity survey that the local evening news has been running.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A cantankerous picketer at the Oscar Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee undoubtedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of irons, fish, and litter flew in a 18 foot radius. Dr. Jenkins was quick as a flash to assure county locals that there was no danger.
"The pond just burped is all," was the inscrutable explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Debra Williams. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
The distraught Mohammed Haggen litigation was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Williams, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to hold back on alternate proposals."
Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A local ant-rancher said, "I request to squish his nose."
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Jones, a quickly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I observed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.
New York is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting desalinization plants.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be reportedly offensive and lacking in any steadily redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.