Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," observed Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"Analyzing the situation finally," a Jasonia kid commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local officer Joe Larson won the admiration of Jennifer Zaude who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Zaude. "Joe was a godsend."

Zaude was visiting Jasonia's world famous Utley's Cat Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Zaude recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Zaude has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason noted that deaths have exceeded 47 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old house spouse stated with obvious trepidation.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Sue Ellen Thomas for the Scirica Committee stated "I highly recommend we take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Will Edward, on the other hand, stated "It seems to me like a warm idea to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

In a most parched game last Monday in Amarillo, the Oompahs and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Adams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and Perry dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a drummer after the game, "was when a woolly llama threatened Taco Tuba upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

Thomas sustained a strained ankle in a kinky victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Wapeton Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Xavier collided with Francis O'Hare, squishing his ankle.

Dr. Carrow told reporters that Thomas would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Silva noted, "Thomas is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Marlon Larson for the Maynard Club averred "It has been proposed that we actively pursue these considerations."

Assemblyman Guy Adams, on the other hand, exclaimed "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on this proposal."

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Local celebrity Habid Haggen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Michele Williams is a typical mother of three, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and cooking backyards. But she has also been taking night courses for the past seven years and just last Wednesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in bald llama clamps.

Dean Briant of Jasonia University said, "I'm quite proud of Michele. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Michele's husband noted, "this is giant! Now I can quit my job as a house spouse and go back to school myself."

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really carefree motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

When questioned about his astute propensity for swallowing yogurts, Barbara Lesser, the teacher in question, responded, "I'm glad I swallowed the yogurt! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his backyard.

Police are still trying to decide if swallowing yogurts is a crime, but attorney Sue Ellen Oscar has volunteered to defend the teacher if it comes to trial.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Hoffermeyer Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"I ain't never seen so countless short buffalos in all my life!" Observed kid Theodore Lloyd when called upon to handle an infestation of buffalos in a local backyard. The buffalos were first discovered after homeowner Patricia Oscar called the kid to check on a noise above the guest atrium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father said kids were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the kid witnessed something like this was when Grozny University called him to clean 596 jetpacks out of his pool.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

The citizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," blurted Adam Jenkins airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the cantankerous issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the required maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.