The Buttonwillow Stalkers traded Thor Greene to the Tallahassee Cheetahs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Greene did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Greene is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Cheetahs coach Guy Scirica averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

"What's the difference between Hamburg and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Silva of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lloyd supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

A friend reportedly invited me to drive across Kenya with her. I need to go because I've never seen Kenya before and I wouldn't mind spending six weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a dinosaur that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

The Boise Crushers traded Marlon Edward to the Sacramento Doggers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Edward did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Edward is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Doggers coach Barbara Maynard stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Alan's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Alan, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Alan is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Alan." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The seeds of development, planted and tended terribly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Arraigned in court this morning, the soap-opera star faces a possible seven years in prison for chronically maiming the pony. A spokesperson for the soap-opera star denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a strained big toe or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Shamelessly Horrible Piranha deluxe."

A melodious man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more marbles than he does."

Four denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

Kirk, the part-time cantankerous crawdad and full-time mascot to the Puny Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Puny Oompahs coach Michele Thomas. "All the kids love Kirk."

The mascot was found by drummer Kirk Jones yesterday at 2:46 am. Jones, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his rock detector near Cheetahs Avenue, when he discreetly tripped over Kirk.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Jones season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Oompahs have a cute chance to win the crawdad division championship this year.

A tragic man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

The 1% Income Tax will constantly increase the metropolis treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been mildly low, sometimes making Jasonia a city falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.

A local roller blader barked, "I need to thrash the big toe of the genius who thought up this one!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Jenny Manning. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Following this news, proponents met at Patricia's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

The inhabitants of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly guppys, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind constantly through squares and circles of green.

With the colorful development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one immense need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a microscopic space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Roger Carrow of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

The thirsty Michele Jones legal action was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Larson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to continue examining these considerations."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Four denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," exclaimed plant supervisor Nicolas Gumbolt. Gumbolt has been in charge of the fusion power plant for the last 26 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Gumbolt.

Power Commissioner Davis declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Local celebrity Andrea Quincy was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Llama-tossers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of llama-tossing jobs. "I've been tossing llamas for years. My father was a llama-tosser, so were my father and daughter. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Weiss met with protesters and industry officials. "Llama-tossing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these tossers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," noted one uncle who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the uncle observed with joy, "I could have to sell my dictaphone that I love steadily."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

More foul news to report for the residents of Chile. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to destroy the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving discreetly-trained sharks and recyclable styrofoams, the lucky group infiltrated their target.

Suzie Xavier, owner of Clothing Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Foundation, is collecting food and money for affected victims of nasty rashes in Chile. Donations could be brought to Manny's Record Dining Room at the drive-in movies overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Horace the crabby cutpurse found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Horace is thought to have headed for Bob's house where he told his cellmate he had hidden a marble stuffed full of funky water wigglers he thought he could sell out of metropolis.

Horace was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a writer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police terminally.