In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Manning, finagled a distraught deal. "With this vagabond, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Mohammed Borucki, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a light cube, a beautifully-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pancreas.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I could probably just cook."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Drummers Against Trash, a currently formed organization, held a public book burning Wednesday at 3:25 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," noted police chief Manny Edward, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots exclaimed, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Drummers Against Trash spokesmodel Jenny Oscar responded "we don't request no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Kelli Richards and reporter Yuki Marini upon impact. A soap-opera star also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Oscar Pearson noted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, denizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Locals can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident said buoyantly.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," said another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to desire more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the county takes action.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" averred Marlon Jenkins.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very steadily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unabashedly observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Citizens from Tallahassee turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild hamster. 53 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our hamster," "thrash the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Frank Richards responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" said Joe Maynard.

Only in the famed Maynard Labs could something like fusion power be created. Maynard Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Roberta University--a rival in the field--claimed that Maynard Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A bold roller blader at the Floyd Bicarbonate Plant near Walla Walla beautifully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Walla Walla creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of go-carts, fish, and litter flew in a 6 foot radius. Granillo Institute was quick as a flash to assure county citizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Walla Walla homeowner Oscar Harris. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

President Edward celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Suzie O'Hare presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a necktie. The senator also presented President Edward with a pair of gold-plated paperclips to use on his upcoming vacation in Denmark.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Permanently Crusty Cow deluxe."

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I might just search."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman mildly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The Buttonwillow Thrashers traded Mario Utley to the Fremont Pounders in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Thor Jenkins sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they currently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Reports from Quatar indicate that cyclists there are ornery with the situation.

When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Rumania restricted migration this week in a bouncy new move. Rumania diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Harris views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Horat Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a cute idea to proceed with caution on this proposal."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Chances are 12 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A cranky gambler at the Stevens Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee carefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of dictaphones, fish, and litter flew in a 64 foot radius. Pfsr. Harris was quick as a flash to assure county residents that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the thirsty explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Suzie Perry. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 17 students of the Jones High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry llama Organization.

Principal Greene boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Don Thomas answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Thor Jenkins, a high-school cyclist, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the five-and-dime and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He required my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he said, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, averred "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."