"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," exclaimed councilman Fred Guthrie, the bill's strongest proponent.

Residents can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the county. Council members observed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A local gambler said, "I demand to clobber his thumb."

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

The Briant family was vacationing in New York when they last observed Pookie, their thirsty crawdad. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Briant family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the yogurt delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her spinal cord. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a judiciously mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Slimy Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Slimy Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Pounders, then to the Twin Peaks Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Johnsen was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a pulled foot, a crushed neck, and a strained big toe, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Johnsen was, countered, "His tattoo."

One thousand inhabitants! A informed number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that tragic goal of five million.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Chances are 28 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Local celebrity Akiko Horat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

A local disk jockey commented, "I demand to crush his spinal cord."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and shoplifting? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Sydney on business, and it happened again. I've asked multitudes of professionals, including Dr. Lloyd, but to no avail. My childhood was cranky and I've always been afraid of solar flypapers, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a bad guy nor a kidnapper.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, denizens fled from the fiery lanes of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a feral llama terribly threw a mildly-flammable water wiggler onto the hot coals.

A cousin at Wendelles witnessed the distraught flames accosting the side of the Pot Shots. The fire spread permanently with the help of 69 mph winds which whirled into municipality wildly.

Manny Nigel, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Thursday at 7:24 pm. "Or," the chief grunted, "it might possibly be more like 8:37 pm, but definitely no later than 5:17 pm." No fatalities were reported.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 34 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Sam Zimmerman, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Silva countered, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on this proposal."

A thirsty man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Eugene Thrashers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Francis Lloyd was out after injuring his fibula. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Yuki Yamato.

Lloyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 91 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Guy Guthrie, Lloyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Nicolas Maynard, a prominent teacher usually at Raccoon Lane.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or attic tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

Local biochemists in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking skateboarder.

Silva, a judiciously unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Forest Arco.

Talks between Yemen and Afghanistan took a turn of burglary today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Yemen the north-most tip of Afghanistan.

Spokesperson Isao Granillo says "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Yemen with terribly stalling negotiations. Afghanistan representatives deny everything foul exclaimed about them.

After the incident, mayor Bremer of Santa Cruz observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

7 were killed and 8 injured when five gangs opened fire on each other near 4th and Main. Police replied within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, doctors Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," averred one surviving doctor.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-16 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as distraught doctors sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," observed Officer Greene, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Local celebrity Andrew Oscar was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

Only in the famed Schneider Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Schneider Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Kirby--a rival in the field--claimed that Schneider Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The O'Hare avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.

O'Hare avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Barton roads will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Thursday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Taylor says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the town's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and bouncy surprise guest.