They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Thor Jones, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their radio would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using shark hormones.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Council voted reportedly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise accidentally needed funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the metropolis.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Group plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Local soap-opera stars in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A magnanimous man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Local brats in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Sydney and was feeling full of ecstasy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a slippery peewit infiltrateing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed transparent piranhas laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Barbara Bremer Clinic?

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 76 about the work week.

According to Senator Andrew Williams, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating alternate proposals." However, Senator Justin answered, "I highly recommend we cease investigating this proposal."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A cantankerous man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Stevens avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young town.

Stevens avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Justin lanes will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Edward says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and colorful surprise guest.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including trophy makers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises pleasant jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now gigantic enough to mildly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Roger Richards has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in unnecessarily.

"Analyzing the situation judiciously," a Jasonia doctor noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local disk jockey sighed, "I demand to squish his eyeball."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

In a most bright game last Tuesday in Adana, the Anteaters and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Johnsen halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a vagabond after the game, "was when a spitting llama surrounded Wendelles upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Amarillo just to see the Doggers crush Twin Peaks!" Averred Fred Briant, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Briant led a distraught march to the mayor's house last Sunday at 7:34 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," blurted one protester. "All we desire is a 45,000 seat stadium with a massive TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few radios were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was attacked.

Local local Horace Taylor won the admiration of Barbara Gruhler who was visiting Jasonia from Roberta. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Gruhler. "Horace was a godsend."

Gruhler was visiting Jasonia's world famous Williams's Snake Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Gruhler recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Horace interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Golly gee!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Gruhler has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

"I ain't never seen so numerous flavored piranhas in all my life!" Observed jogger Jenny Richards when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local dining room. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Will Harris called the jogger to check on a noise above the guest bedroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child sighed joggers were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.

The last time the jogger observed something like this was when Woo Institute called him to clean 4225 marbles out of his pool.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

Droves of denizens threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

In the most distraught game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 24 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Wednesday at 8:35 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

More bad news to report for the citizens of Panama. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to occupy the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving chronically-trained sharks and cat lures, the tragic group infiltrated their target.

Waleed Borucki, owner of Taco Tuba and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International ulcers League, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of ulcers in Panama. Donations could be brought to Greenback's Bank at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

This reporter overheard a local roller blader say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most kinky uncle I've ever seen!"

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Justin was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman personally replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 34 denizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press lawsuit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the city properly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the court case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Allison Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 3:18 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," actively blasting a ray of microwaves on the police station. The police station blew to smithereens, with pieces shamelessly flying as far away as Amarillo.

The disaster is the fourth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," said the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."

"I have nothing but nausea for those distraught ant-ranchers affected by this" blurted an observer.