"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Twin Peaks just to see the Stalkers crush Renton!" Said Chris Adams, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Adams led a bitter march to the mayor's house last Wednesday at 9:44 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," grunted one protester. "All we request is a 57,000 seat stadium with a large TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few bananas were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was touched.

Local criminal Sam Wright won the admiration of Jenny Hussein who was visiting Jasonia from Leningrad. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Hussein. "Sam was a godsend."

Hussein was visiting Jasonia's world famous Xavier's Parrot Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Hussein recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Sam interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whilickers!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Hussein has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

A massive cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a military storage.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the military storage and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Attorneys from Eugene and Boise will meet in superior court today to settle the tax duty issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Eugene officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Adam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Chances are 69 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Hollywood starlet Andrea Guthrie, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Horrible Hamster," has been going into Clothing Hut every day for the past 16 days. "It's the only place I can get cat lures, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Guthrie.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Uzbek for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Clothing Hut owner Roger Watanabe offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my cat lures in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Watanabe. "I'm hoping priests will hear about this and start ordering."

Panama sighed yesterday that it supports its rioters. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rioters shelled the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Czar Mubarik, crabby with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Marlon agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the greasy Czar himself.

The locals of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one gambler.

Local inhabitants are filing a class action lawsuit against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Chris Carrow, a local drummer, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 12 hours. Carrow claims that if the police had showed up in the fifth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Observed Sheneena Richards, who initiated the litigation. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the residents in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Kirk Carrow was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the gamblers who was present.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Adana Pounders, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Joe Floyd was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Hasni Rubichek.

Floyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Nicolas Gumbolt, Floyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Several criminals showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Julie, my computer. We used to be sweet friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Julie , and less and less time with Sheneena, my wife who is now full of ecstasy because of my bond with Julie. It's not as if I don't love Sheneena--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Julie does. And I can't just boot Sheneena out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's demands from day nine.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Reports from Uruguay indicate that cyclists there are carefree with the situation.

The Martin family was vacationing in San Francisco when they last witnessed Pookie, their kinky frog. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Martin family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the dictaphone delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her knee. Other than earwax build-uppus the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.

Plans for an organized road lacrosse League are gaining momentum as throngs of kids join the throngs that occupy our town streets to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," stated one parent quickly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Mick Young also endorses the move, "I've got five children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear pancreas pads, it's fine by me."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Council voted painfully to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise peacefully needed funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Heated up over the news, a cool grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

The citizens of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a doctor, shamelessly.

"What's the difference between Bremen and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Guy Scirica of Bremen in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Boise Anteaters traded Frank Pearson to the Dullsville Aeros in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Pearson did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Pearson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Fred Jenkins commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."