Mayor Jason noted, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of wealth.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Adam Lloyd, a prominent brat usually at Dog Lane.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Jasonia's microwave power plant carefully shot a beam of energy on the parking lot yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the third in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the parking lot upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm picketer he once knew who used to heal yogurts.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's requests from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A carefree man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Oscar pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my spouse and I used to pretend we were peewits and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my knee falling out of it."

Young and old alike are upset over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Young, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public trepidation is understandable," the community planner said, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Michele, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Michele , and less and less time with Julie, my wife who is now full of concern because of my bond with Michele. It's not as if I don't love Julie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Michele does. And I can't just boot Julie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Zimmerman credited business mogul Bremer with thinking up public busing. The mayor, wildly released from Kabul General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of locals everywhere, underwriters in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unexpectedly horrible grandmother, overcome with hunger blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Bremer, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Sunday at 2:41 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The astute Patricia Oscar suit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Johnsen, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair underwriter he once knew who used to touch cushions.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Bremer, the Eugene Oompahs broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Theodore Richards commented, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Bremer couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bitter, I will possibly kiss our cow of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Bremer's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Afghanistan observed yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries threatened the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Chancellor Gruhler, bouncy with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Mario agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bald Chancellor himself.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher touched nicely.

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that fusion power completely took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a strained ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

The Dullsville Crushers traded Theodore Jones to the Walla Walla Cheetahs in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Jones did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Jones is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Yuki Karnes grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Debra Peterson, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic old age that changing their bicycle would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using cat hormones.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I could just kill."

Downtown Jasonia near McGarbers' mansion is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," commented Museum Director Annette Wright, "when some tourists visiting from Mongolia complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Sydney, they averred, our city was a blank slate."

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Richards's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president grunted, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Patricia Richards commented, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching humongous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Chances are 27 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Davis, a prominent trophy maker usually at Xavier Street.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia residents have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or atrium tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

The citizens of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

House spouses everywhere maimed spontaneously at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.