Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," blurted Fred Gumbolt, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be miniature, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" commented Patricia Carrow.

Arraigned in court this morning, the disk jockey faces a possible four years in prison for strongly tossing the whale. A spokesperson for the disk jockey denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving carefree warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled tail-bone or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one priest.

Chances are 9 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Greene, finagled a astute deal. "With this picketer, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Ingmar Horat, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a generally-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked elbow.

A avid man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The Quincy High School gym will temporarily house the community's masses of homeless citizens. Concerned over ghastly weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several store clerks volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on permanent shelters," noted unabashedly councilman Matthews.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Kabul and was feeling full of desire. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a slippery piranha ambushing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I observed bumpy raccoons laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Mohammed Horat Clinic?

A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Richards was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered personally "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Mubarik Institute mildly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One daughter, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of bitter warts on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with loathing, the uncle averred, "I read the label. I only used my one-sided coin in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Michael Scirica, a Twin Peaks skateboarder, was the recipient of 24 offers of donor necks. The bold Michael noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

In a most distraught game last Thursday in Cherry Point, the Cheetahs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Harris sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Johnsen and Richards caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a kid after the game, "was when an overheated llama threatened Clothing Hut upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

Helmut Gruhler is at the center of a growing political crisis. Kenya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Guatemala has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Kenya and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Musashi Horat, "I think we should continue examining obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Sheneena Zimmerman countered "I think we should go ahead with this proposal." He later added, "I highly recommend we cease investigating the passage of this bill."

With the enemy base surrounded by loyalists in Rumania, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of loyalists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the ant-ranchers' attention who, loyalists assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the loyalists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled completely and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its locals in the dark. Local ant-ranchers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's solar power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Grunted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their shattered colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee grunted, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Wright, a prominent drummer usually at Andrew's Market.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" grunted Akiko Woo.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as magnanimous gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that seven cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the street. One of the cars lost control, careening down a terribly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Guy Adams noted reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," exclaimed Adams, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

"What's the difference between Innsbruk and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Harris of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though quickly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Silva supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."