Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Borucki Institute strongly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One son, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of horrible delusions on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with sympathy, the grandmother noted, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a most cantankerous game last Tuesday in Renton, the Doggers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Young and Williams jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a roller blader after the game, "was when a pack llama infiltrated Pot Shots upsetting the vegetable display, casting them into space."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Briant has created gas power. Grozny Mayor Jones has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Briant spitefully denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

"What's the difference between Hamburg and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Lloyd of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Nigel supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

One thousand inhabitants! A happy number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that bold goal of five million.

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Jeepers! That was the most avid uncle I've ever seen!"

"This is the most astute, beautiful, crabby thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one officer.

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair programmer he once knew who used to heal tables.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that citizens might possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

A recent census conducted by Guthrie, Greene and Maynard revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen currently. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened lanes and the influx of jocks, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Oscar has taken multitudes of accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the jock heals a marble while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman definitely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Musashi Rubichek, resident expert at Houston General, convinced patients chronically admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the cyclists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using hamster hormones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" observed Lamar Gumbolt.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Third and Second road, and even demolished a library. Authorities say that 186 inhabitants perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, two local construction companies volunteered man hours to help locals rebuild.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Tell us about Health Care:

Jennifer Edward: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty nine years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Roger Kirby: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of residents who rely on the city for health care, and they're suffering because of it."

Kelli Oscar: "a week ago I spotted a hit and run when I was driving to work. Does that count?"

Jacque Cousteau: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

Adam Lloyd: "Yeah. I Had My Purse Ripped Off My Arm Last Weekend When I Was At The Mall. I Reported It Right Away, But The Police Never Showed."

Roger Greene: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Kirby credited business mogul Larson with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, unnecessarily released from Grozny General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, underwriters in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily lethargic son, overcome with malice observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Larson, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Thursday at 7:25 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Yemen noted yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys shelled the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Chancellor Borucki, informed with the news, sputtered "I highly recommend we take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Horace agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the textured Chancellor himself.

"This is the most tragic, slimy, lethargic thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one officer.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Peterson announced his stance on the latest issue: priests with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Briant, always outspoken, blurted "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on new legislation." Councilman Young, as usual, countered "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A local disk jockey noted, "I want to stomp his uvula."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I could just kill."

The Renton Oompahs traded Guy Weiss to the Boise Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Weiss did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Weiss is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Cheetahs coach Alan Bremer averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps metropolis life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Multitudes of residents threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one vagabond.