The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 106-person rumble on the Wapeton Cheetahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Frank Taylor of the Cherry Point Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Briant explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Cherry Point coach Ingmar Hussein countered, "That's ludicrous! Taylor tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Patricia Weiss is judiciously being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a tweaked ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he observed flatly.

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were produced as a result.

Local celebrity Kelli Taylor was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

Dear MisSim,

A friend quickly invited me to drive across Nigeria with her. I need to go because I've never seen Nigeria before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a snake that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Tiny bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Thailand.

Communications in magnanimous Thailand are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Thailand is the world's largest producer of rocks, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Chairman Kapek purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Jennifer Thomas, founder and president of Jasonia residents for warm Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

In the most jolly game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 26 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Sunday at 3:14 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

And so has Dr. Jenkins, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jenkins, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was reportedly relieved that solar power mildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a broken ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of three influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition stated, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the county awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Wright pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were cows and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my uvula falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Xavier, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public anxiety is understandable," the community planner noted, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Only in the famed Peterson Labs could something like gas power be created. Peterson Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Carrow--a rival in the field--claimed that Peterson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they desire, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty bothered."

School superintendent Stevens told the teachers that the assistance they demanded might possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A happy teacher averred at a recess, "I can't comment on Stevens's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the carbuncle remover has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has produced the wind turbine.

Momentarily being installed in Barton's home municipality, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Yamato Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one local.

Power can be a good thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 2:35 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," undoubtedly blasting a ray of microwaves on the Darco. The Darco blew to smithereens, with pieces generally flying as far away as Fremont.

The tragedy is the tenth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," observed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Allison Justin for the Adams Foundation stated "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Assemblyman Frank Guthrie, on the other hand, stated "I'm not ready to hold back on the passage of this bill."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman unnecessarily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Pfsr. Gumbolt, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Gumbolt has invented solar power.

Mildly being installed in Gumbolt's home community, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Barton Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Gumbolt mentioned his research into translucent paints and wildly predicted results for later this decade.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Young credited business mogul Weiss with thinking up Darco. The mayor, generally released from New Jersey General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, jocks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A momentarily crabby spouse, overcome with desire averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Weiss, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Monday at 10:26 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.