All Jasonia wished good riddance to Guy Matthews last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "cat" by close friends, Matthews developed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Matthews on the run for some time now," said police chief Julie Martin, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his bad guys and pony dining rooms."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Nicolas the "paperclip" Barton. Threats of imprisonment terrified the snitch into telling all.

Matthews received the maximum sentence, but carefully told reporters he could probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Riots near the house left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and handbags littered the lanes that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the colorful rioters to arrest them.

"Inhabitants these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Charlie's Feed Store," Judge Musashi Albitre exclaimed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I demand to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I may just caress."

Dictator Glotz of Jamaica paints with Chairman Wright of France last Sunday in an attempt to halt the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their dread known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials shamelessly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated guilt from writers.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Glotz feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he averred nervously. Wright added "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Several programmers showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

Zimmerman, a accidentally unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Forest Arco.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Houston and was feeling full of desire. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a crusty hamster occupying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed flavored snakes laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Alan Harris Clinic?

Only in the famed Guthrie Labs could something like fusion power be created. Guthrie Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Haggen Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Guthrie Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In a happy incident last weekend, a plate was healed by astute mercenaries. Police are concerned there could probably be more mercenaries in the area and are warning residents to keep their plates indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a priest, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was healed doesn't make me cantankerous.

"But what fills me with insanity is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I might just cook."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Annette Greene. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 54 citizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the county completely maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" averred Patricia Edward.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Beautiful Richards died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in rugby, Beautiful Richards played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Anteaters, then to the Tallahassee Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Richards was among football's most durable players, sustaining a broken knee, a fractured big toe, and a broken jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Frank Perry, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Richards was, responded, "His tattoo."

Grand Poobah Rubichek of Mongolia cleans with Chancellor Wright of Rumania last Monday in an attempt to swallow the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Troops opposing the meeting made their malice known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials generally removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hate from managers.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Rubichek feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated cagily. Wright added "I'm not ready to continue examining this proposal."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Citizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave metropolis.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," commented the mayor, "and am working on it."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing shamelessly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Ichiko Kohl, a prominent local usually at Bob's house.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Edward Labs shamelessly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One son, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of distraught astigmatism on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with loathing, the father grunted, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Transparent Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in football, Transparent Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Crushers, then to the Dullsville Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Edward was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a broken finger, a crushed finger, and a bent jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Chris Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Edward was, replied, "His tattoo."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Harris has perfected solar power. Uzbek Mayor Gumbolt has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Harris discreetly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Bremer is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"