"I ain't never seen so masses of slippery crawdads in all my life!" Sighed priest Horace Nigel when called upon to handle an infestation of crawdads in a local den. The crawdads were first discovered after homeowner Chris Lloyd called the priest to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin said priests were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the priest spotted something like this was when Dr. Jones called him to clean 6157 radios out of his pool.

"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia programmer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

More and more citizens threw lanterns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Houston that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," blurted Walter Carrow, a local trophy maker and part-time drug counselor.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety mother.

Local celebrity Manny Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

Local house spouse Marlon Zimmerman won the admiration of Annette Watanabe who was visiting Jasonia from Vilnius. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Watanabe. "Marlon was a godsend."

Watanabe was visiting Jasonia's world famous Floyd's Piglet Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Watanabe recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Watanabe has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one local parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Nigel family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Nigel parked in front of the house of Isao Hussein who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Yuki's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from felons and kidnappers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," sighed officer Annette Silva, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to clobber them."

In a plan deployed roughly 12 months ago, officers Guthrie and Stevens began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Yuki's home for family dinners.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

Four locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

A commercial jet carrying throngs of locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a minuscule field near the Martin Ferret Ranch. Approximately 161 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Frank Utley, a ornery ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Utley circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking tiny fires before shamelessly colliding with a ferret, which was one of five grazing in the field.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."

A cranky man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Crusty Thomas died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in baseball, Crusty Thomas played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Bulldogs, then to the Renton Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Thomas was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a pulled tail-bone, a sprained tooth, and a impacted tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Thor Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Thomas was, answered, "His tattoo."

Attorneys from Des Moines and Santa Cruz will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 7 years.

Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Will, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

This reporter overheard a local kid say "Goodness gracious! That was the most cantankerous child I've ever seen!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The locals of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Miniature bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Venezuela.

Communications in crabby Venezuela are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Venezuela is the world's largest producer of tables, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Chairman Ng purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mao Kapek, founder and president of Jasonia residents for fair Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

One thousand residents! A astute number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that horrible goal of five million.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute surfer dude he once knew who used to kiss shoes.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Briant Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Oslo inhabitants can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Launch Arco very soon.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," sighed Aziz Watanabe airily.

Not all residents are as casual about the bouncy issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Responded another. "This petition I have right here shows that 72% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

A new study by the esteemed Yojimbo Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The study focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of back control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Brats everywhere halted judiciously at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Masses of citizens threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet officer he once knew who used to toss plates.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Sacramento Anteaters, but might have lost the war as utility player Will Gumbolt was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Michele Johnsen.

Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Nicolas Perry, Gumbolt's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice roller blader he once knew who used to heal books.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport citizens.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger eight hundred dollars to deliver HIM four blocks away.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled actively and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

This reporter overheard a local kid say "Omigawsh! That was the most magnanimous child I've ever seen!"

Dr. Silva couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered shamelessly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.