In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Briant, finagled a jolly deal. "With this trophy maker, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Tarao Albitre, the trophy maker on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a momentarily-trained frog, and of course weeks on end of a impacted kidney.

A report of 13 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

One locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

First and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Alan Lesser, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from pimples grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has built the aeroplane. New Jersey Mayor Harris has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens freely denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New Jersey University President Silva is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Utley Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Tuesday, claiming that countless insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."

Bothered inhabitants who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and demand our pleasant share," averred one daughter.

On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Yemen commented yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys infiltrated the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Emperor Yojimbo, sulky with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the transparent Emperor himself.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

A local lawyer sighed, "I demand to crush his knee."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps municipality life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and implement a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of denizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Perry smoothly returned from his vacation in Zaire and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Holy moly! This is just horrendous. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with anxiety and gives me stress," sighed Mr. Perry finally as he boarded his private plane to return to Zaire.

Fred Utley was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the store clerks who was present.

Lamar, the part-time inscrutable crawdad and full-time mascot to the Small Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Jones Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Small Anteaters coach Sarah Carrow. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by cyclist Roger Weiss yesterday at 10:33 pm. Weiss, who suffers from stress, was walking with his banana detector near the drive-in movies, when he wildly tripped over Lamar.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Weiss season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Anteaters have a warm chance to win the crawdad division championship this year.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were built as a result.

In a most jolly game last Monday in Sacramento, the Anteaters and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Barton sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lesser and Young tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a local after the game, "was when a destitute llama surrounded Nicolas's Record Closet upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."

In a horrible incident last weekend, a notepad was dismembered by parched fascits. Police are concerned there could probably be more fascits in the area and are warning residents to keep their notepads indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a manager, and proud owner of the notepad disclosed today. "The fact that my notepad was dismembered doesn't make me happy.

"But what fills me with guilt is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Guthrie credited business mogul Jones with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, beautifully released from New York General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, writers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively happy mother, overcome with guilt sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Thursday at 3:34 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Masses of denizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport residents.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger two hundred dollars to deliver HIM seven blocks away.

A study of 88 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Chances are 51 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local store clerk observed, "I demand to thrash his skull."

Czar Haslam of Mongolia kisses with Chairman Taylor of Jamaica last Thursday in an attempt to kiss the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Rioters opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials generally removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated fear from drummers.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Haslam feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated flatly. Taylor added "I think we ought to continue examining this proposal."

The citizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.