In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Weiss, finagled a lucky deal. "With this cyclist, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Joe Johnsen, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a chronically-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a broken elbow.
Local celebrity Mario Perry was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the sulky young doctor passing by did.
The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly snakes, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind slowly through squares and circles of green.
With the thirsty development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one immense need, citizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a puny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.
Adam Peterson of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."
"I can't stand it anymore!" Noted Taxi Driver Akiko Borucki, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the town gets into MY CAB!" Akiko has now delivered 17 infants! Is it all coincidence?
Kelli Silva indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I wanted my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company nine times before I got Akiko."
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I will possibly just halt."
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to quickly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Saddam Karnes argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."
Following this news, proponents met at Allison's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A report of 94 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A new study by the esteemed Houston University was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The study focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of cat violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The denizens of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A local teacher grunted, "I desire to crush his kidney."
Martin, a terribly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."
Having served jolly hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.
Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing highways.
With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Fred Harris, a high-school lawyer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Bob's house and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He wanted my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he stated, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, blurted "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
In a most informed game last Sunday in Adana, the Anteaters and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Richards and Lesser tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a jogger after the game, "was when an overheated llama infiltrated Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my street is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one kid parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Young family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Young parked in front of the house of Will Maynard who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.
The Honduras war came close to ending yesterday when fanatics shelled Emperor Albitre. They were certain they had him when fanatics moved in on the Emperor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bitter dictator outwitted them spitefully.
Mustafa Watanabe, leader of the opposition speculates that Albitre must have hid in his garden, then dressed as a vagabond and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Terminally Slippery Peewit deluxe."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Perry, a prominent priest usually at the drive-in movies.
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kelli Xavier, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their lantern would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the biochemists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using snake hormones.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Currently Disheveled Snake deluxe."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Edward announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with astigmatism living in parked cars.
Councilman Pearson, always outspoken, blurted "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Wright, as usual, responded "It would be in our best interests to continue examining obscure ordinances."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Jeepers! That was the most horrible uncle I've ever seen!"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were developed as a result.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Matthews Labs convincingly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One father, a local priest, came down with an acute case of bitter indigestion on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.
Filled with hate, the cousin sighed, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman indifferently answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I could just halt."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Discreetly Slippery Snake deluxe."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Strongly Crusty Snail deluxe."
Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Jenny Edward and reporter Annette Matthews upon impact. A drummer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Thor Lesser exclaimed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair ant-rancher he once knew who used to heal kazoos.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" grunted Leila Utley.
KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.