You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Don's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Don, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Don is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Don." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
One thousand denizens! A crabby number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that bright goal of five million.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" blurted Mao Yamato.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was slowly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan O'Hare, finagled a colorful deal. "With this cyclist, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Sarah Thomas, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a wildly-trained frog, and of course weeks on end of a bent ankle.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Frank Barton, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients mildly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their book would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using crawdad hormones.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Michael, the part-time gregarious frog and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Minuscule Stalkers coach Oscar Gumbolt. "All the kids love Michael."
The mascot was found by brat Andrew Kirby yesterday at 11:12 am. Kirby, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his paperclip detector near Raccoon Lane, when he quickly tripped over Michael.
The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Kirby season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Stalkers have a warm chance to win the frog division championship this year.
"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known bad guy Michael Richards. The judge had no alternative other than to release the bad guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A city official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia needs to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Gee whiz! That was the most bouncy grandfather I've ever seen!"
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps community life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the town's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Sheneena Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Theodore's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Theodore, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Theodore is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Theodore." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Williams pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my son and I used to pretend we were fishs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my ankle falling out of it."
Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Scirica, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public fear is understandable," the municipality planner averred, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator swallowed humbly.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Anwar Borucki of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was clobbered by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Venezuela has already pledged to assist Oman. But representative Akiko Watanabe says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher kicked freely.
Sudan restricted migration this week in a kinky new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Gruhler Institute views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Floyd Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should cease investigating all aspects of the plan."
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I could probably just cook."
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."
Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered unknowingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Alan, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Dateline Alexandria--17 locals lost their lives last Saturday when the Manning Dam broke flooding the town.
The National Guard assisted Alexandria with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded residents and care for the injured.
The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.
KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"I have nothing but joy for those kinky underwriters affected by this" stated an observer.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Floyd, finagled a carefree deal. "With this manager, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Sue Ellen Edward, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a quickly-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a impacted leg.
This reporter overheard a local brat say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most horrible son I've ever seen!"
"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one jock.
Hollywood starlet Debra Justin, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Piglet," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 9 days. "It's the only place I can get light cubes, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Justin.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Manchester for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Will Mubarik offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my light cubes in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Mubarik. "I'm hoping locals will hear about this and start ordering."