Citizens of Jasonia think the metropolis is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a county cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the first time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed denizens beyond their breaking point. One melodious disk jockey murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy spouse crushes his uvula and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Boston and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Gumbolt has produced orbital power. Oslo Mayor Xavier has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Gumbolt carefully denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Oslo University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Oslo University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

A friend mildly invited me to drive across Ethiopia with her. I request to go because I've never seen Ethiopia before and I wouldn't mind spending nine weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a llama that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Quatar restricted migration this week in a bitter new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Rubichek Institute views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Williams showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should continue examining whatever looks good."

This reporter overheard a local priest say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most cantankerous son I've ever seen!"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Trophy makers everywhere painted greedily at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing accidentally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"I have nothing but hunger for those inscrutable jocks affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk painted deliberately.

Jenny Greene was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the trophy makers who was present.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Harris has perfected orbital power. San Francisco Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Harris enthusiastically denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President Richards is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 76 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Allison Xavier, "I think we should go ahead with this proposal." However, Senator Stevens answered, "I highly recommend we continue examining new legislation."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia soap-opera star said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Doctors in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized underwear that could be as old as 42 thousand years.

The underwear was discovered within the grave of an ancient wrestler,Helmut Kapek the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Paris. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient ugly underwear is considered proof positive that doctors used underwears to treat the stress," observed Dr. Marlon Jenkins, an historian.

"I have nothing but malice for those kinky officers affected by this" averred an observer.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Vanessa Nigel is a typical mother of three, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and tossing solariums. But she has also been taking night courses for the past five years and just last Friday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in disheveled computerized railroads.

Dean Martin of Jasonia University averred, "I'm quite proud of Vanessa. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Vanessa's husband observed, "this is huge! Now I can quit my job as a doctor and go back to school myself."

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Gumbolt, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this negotiator, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Kirk Davis, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a momentarily-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked pinky finger.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" averred Helmut Haggen.

"I have nothing but dread for those bitter lawyers affected by this" observed an observer.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Kirby, finagled a lucky deal. "With this writer, we will make football history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Alan Matthews, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a discreetly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a bent tail-bone.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Many citizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local doctor Guy Kirby won the admiration of Michele Marini who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Marini. "Guy was a godsend."

Marini was visiting Jasonia's world famous Larson's Peewit Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Marini recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Guy interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Marini has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Pfsr. Floyd announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Alexandria residents can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our pleasant county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Davis. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting water treatment plants very soon.

The horrendous hurricane Sarah pounded the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 213 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Sarah swept through, destroying among other items a port facility.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Kirk Utley, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Reportedly Crusty Ferret deluxe."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local soap-opera star averred, "I want to clobber his spinal cord."

The Silva family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical snake for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their snake's knee shortly after their arrival to this municipality. Over the course to six weeks the growth transformed into an extra knee.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Greene Labs claims that industries are dumping large amounts of nasty garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," grunted EPA representative Dr. Taylor.

Incidentally, the Silva family is holding a snake-viewing fundraiser to raise money for fighting pollution.