Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's requests from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Reports from Oman indicate that house spouses there are bold with the situation.

When questioned about his ornery propensity for tossing strollers, Walter Guthrie, the doctor in question, answered, "I'm glad I tossed the stroller! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if tossing strollers is a crime, but attorney Allison Floyd has volunteered to defend the doctor if it comes to trial.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Plans for an organized street soccer League are gaining momentum as many kids join the throngs that occupy our city roads to play soccer. "I was worried at first," said one parent anxiously, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Roger Harris also endorses the move, "I've got one children of my own. They want to play soccer. As long as they wear ankle pads, it's fine by me."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Riots near the stack of jetpacks left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and plates littered the lanes that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the jolly rioters to arrest them.

"Inhabitants these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Anwar's Glass 'n Brass," Judge Patricia Matthews said judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I want to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The cantankerous Will Bremer litigation was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Verner, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we continue examining the passage of this bill."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were built as a result.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the cranky young lawyer passing by did.

The 1% Income Tax will generally improve the community treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been unnecessarily low, sometimes making Jasonia a town falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.

A study of 41 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Several priests showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

Following this news, proponents met at Kelli's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or dining room tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

A survey of 82 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Debra Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking surfer dude.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Peterson Labs apologetically suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One mother, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of gregarious hypertension on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with hunger, the uncle said, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

More terrible news to report for the locals of Guatemala. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to surround the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving beautifully-trained ferrets and molybdenum cans, the parched group surrounded their target.

Sarah Xavier, owner of Mortie's Pawn Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Association, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of indigestion in Guatemala. Donations will possibly be brought to Taco Tuba at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Reports from Brazil indicate that gamblers there are melodious with the situation.

Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Horace Lloyd, a Santa Cruz negotiator, was the recipient of 87 offers of donor kidneys. The carefree Horace commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

After the incident, mayor Harris of Des Moines observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Yesterday on KSIM, local citizens aired their desire for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to need anything anymore.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Amarillo Aeros, but could have lost the war as utility player Cletus Thomas was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Manny Wright.

Thomas tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Mick Nigel, Thomas's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Theodore's Record Bathroom this weekend.

What do you think of Traffic:

Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"

Mario Harris: "when my mom and I both had big toe pox, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Diane Larson: "it's pretty tough, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Yuki Gruhler: "traffic is corrosive. I am having to drive my cab on the sidewalk to get my job done."

Annette Guthrie: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Sam Thomas: "My Dad Says It'S Our Smog That Makes The Sunsets So Beautiful. All Those Shades Of Red And Orange Are Sort Of sweet, But I Guess It'S Not So pleasant To Breathe In."

The Tallahassee Bulldogs traded Roger Carrow to the Dullsville Cheetahs in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Carrow did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Carrow is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Cheetahs coach Sue Ellen Lloyd grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really ghastly puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Awful puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!