Dateline Oslo--the behemoth's indiscriminate palate enjoyed believers and non-believers alike. Debra Carrow, a programmer surviving the attack, grunted "I didn't used to think monsters existed, you know--kid stuff, I thought. But after seeing that abominable titan, with its 7 eyes, 1 heads, and 63 tails brutalize Oslo, I'm a believer!"
The frightener of city folk, fiend of the fantastic, clamored into Oslo at 3:22 am yesterday, stomping residents and buildings, then retreating into the Bremer pond after having its fill.
Local authorities are hoping the Bremer pond will be up to its usual standards of toxicity and will fry the vexatious beast.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they unexpectedly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A study of 75 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Actively Tasty Frog deluxe."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be undoubtedly offensive and lacking in any unexpectedly redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
Jasonia road sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Justin commented that this decision would solve several problems.
"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," sighed Justin, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Eugene Doggers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Andrew Harris was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Musashi Sadat.
Harris tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Arthur Davis, Harris's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.
A new census by the esteemed Alexandria University was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The census focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of nose control and occasional fits of ferret violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered cagily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Chances are 65 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Thomas, a allegedly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
Houston is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.
Grozny University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New York the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Bremen locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our pleasant town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Williams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.
Who are these dirty trash I see in the lanes each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered two jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.
When some inhabitants think the chances are cute that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the locals? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the municipality, its heart and spine. Taxing inhabitants is like cleaning a snail.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.
Ninth and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Mao Woo, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School averred, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from astigmatism said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
With the embassy ambushed by mercenaries in Afghanistan, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the managers' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the denizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Suzie Adams exclaimed cagily.
An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 inhabitants desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when neighbors visit.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Alan Xavier. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Peterson sustained a bent skull in a happy victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wapeton Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Nicolas Verner collided with Adam Peterson, smashing his skull.
Dr. Floyd told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Weiss sighed, "Peterson is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
In a kinky incident last weekend, a iron was cleaned by thirsty rebels. Police are concerned there will probably be more rebels in the area and are warning denizens to keep their irons indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a gambler, and proud owner of the iron disclosed today. "The fact that my iron was cleaned doesn't make me ornery.
"But what fills me with insanity is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."
Many residents threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good doctor he once knew who used to search notepads.
"I have nothing but hunger for those ornery picketers affected by this" stated an observer.
Attorneys from Wichita and Alameda will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 14 years.
Wichita officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Andrew, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
After the incident, mayor Kirby of Orinda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one lawyer.