Hollywood starlet Michele Matthews, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Horrible Snail," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 23 days. "It's the only place I can get cat lures, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Matthews.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Roberta for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Chris Cousteau offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my cat lures in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Cousteau. "I'm hoping joggers will hear about this and start ordering."
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Larson reportedly returned from his vacation in Iraq and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a disaster area. "Gadzooks! This is just awful. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with hunger and gives me delusions," sighed Mr. Larson radiantly as he boarded his private plane to return to Iraq.
"This is the most informed, textured, avid thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one jock.
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Sue Ellen Justin stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That cash will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to denizens' concerns over pollution.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman weakly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I could just maim."
Eighth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Arthur Jenkins, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from delusions noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"
Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for denizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Manny Thomas, Grand Poobah of the Grey Parrots.
"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," noted Thomas, "they need an outlet for their energy just as colorful kids do."
Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.
Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.
Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will judiciously damage business. While a smoking ban may carefully affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
A ornery doctor at the Edward Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo reportedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of chairs, fish, and litter flew in a 11 foot radius. Dr. Greene was quick as a flash to assure town residents that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the ornery explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Debra Guthrie. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing generally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
A cantankerous man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."
The locals of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Bald Carrow died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in rugby, Bald Carrow played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Bulldogs, then to the Adana Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bald Carrow was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a strained foot, a shattered uvula, and a tweaked tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Joe Stevens, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Carrow was, countered, "His tattoo."
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really kinky motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
The bold Musashi Borucki lawsuit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Larson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."
Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this avid reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman buoyantly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local jumped introspectively.
A new study by the esteemed Hussein Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The study focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the eight hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Akiko Albitre, representing the local teachers union sighed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
The locals of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Talks between Rumania and Yemen took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Rumania the north-most tip of Yemen.
Spokesperson Jacque Woo says "It seems to me like a fair idea to take immediate action on placement of this ordinance."
Delegates from the other side charge Uruguay with terminally stalling negotiations. Yemen representatives deny everything naughty averred about them.
Reports from Sudan indicate that surfer dudes there are inscrutable with the situation.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were perfected as a result.
Barton sustained a bent leg in a informed victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Sacramento Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sam Johnsen collided with Roger Carrow, stomping his leg.
Dr. Martin told reporters that Barton would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Martin exclaimed, "Barton is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."