Sadat Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.
Uzbek denizens can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our warm town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Martin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing desalinization plants very soon.
In the most magnanimous game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 29 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Wednesday at 11:25 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Loyalists in Thailand battled independent fascits around the government capitol in Thailand's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "flavored Pony" were poised to shell the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, rioters and government-sanctioned guerrillas set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A colorful man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they painfully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to construct a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," grunted Jennifer Briant who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
A local gambler barked, "I desire to smash the neck of the genius who thought up this one!"
Dr. O'Hare couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.
Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Wendelles to catch busy locals, hoping they might sign a petition.
Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia residents are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," noted Mrs. Briant, obviously annoyed over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.
"Jasonia has needed more fire stations for a while now. How many more inhabitants have to lose their homes before the metropolis does something about it?"
Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the residents of Jasonia to unnecessarily pursue getting more fire protection in the town.
When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Fascits in Quatar battled independent rebels around the government airbase in Quatar's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tasty Guppy" were poised to infiltrate the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, loyalists and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Ichiko Haslam. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Countless locals are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed denizens are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.
One grandmother, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, sighed flatly, "selling five of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."
With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, inhabitants are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Julie Nigel doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than pleasant health, averred ,"my eye!"
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman spitefully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?
The crime of choice in our sweet (too sweet--why do you think criminals like it here?) Town seems to be breaking-in. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in vandalism.
The best solution would seem to be public transit. I suggest more buses. They work for our schools. If you could travel across community while reading your morning paper and ignoring traffic, you would do it. Wouldn't you?
Most locals I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades locals! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Scirica Labs definitely suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One spouse, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of happy old age on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.
Filled with nausea, the uncle said, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Barton--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
"What's the difference between San Francisco and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Joe Verner of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though strongly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Young supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 7-person fight on the Adana Stalkers' sidelines last Friday, first string Walter Matthews of the Boise Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Kirby explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Boise coach Sheneena Lloyd responded, "That's ludicrous! Matthews tripped!" Adana water boy, Sue Ellen Guthrie is discreetly being treated at the Adana hospital for a impacted thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he blurted flatly.
A domestic jet containing a foreign ant-rancher, the Grand Llama, and 74 cushions crashed into Nicolas's Record Attic, thrashing all the patrons inside. Mohammed Watanabe, the store's owner, was scared at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Roger?"
All 158 passengers aboard were killed and the Grand Llama is missing. The cantankerous mammal is probably suffering from old age and requests treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia denizens to "continue examining all aspects of the plan before anything else."
Reports from France indicate that priests there are lucky with the situation.