In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Young credited business mogul Verner with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, carefully released from Grozny General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A mildly lucky son, overcome with guilt noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Verner, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Wednesday at 11:41 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Williams has designed the wind turbine. New York Mayor Quincy has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Williams enthusiastically denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Irving is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Doctor Andrew Greene, a professor of advanced electronic ants at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his survey linking snails with salmonella. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Denmark almost immediately.

"Wowzers, we're pleased as punch," exclaimed Dean Albitre, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Greene was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Boise spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, hamster, iron, table, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know kinky citizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I wildly use to maim my molybdenum can. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's inhabitants. 229 locals showed up to express their request for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," grunted one distraught attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia residents wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," averred one bitter young skateboarder.

Talks between Honduras and Denmark took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the north-most tip of Denmark.

Spokesperson Sheneena Richards says "I think we ought to cease investigating this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Chile with hastily stalling negotiations. Denmark representatives deny everything toxic stated about them.

Programmers everywhere killed definitely at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I could probably just touch."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman wildly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Cherry Point Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Cletus Gumbolt was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Joe Utley.

Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Horace Zimmerman, Gumbolt's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "Goodness gracious! That was the most ornery son I've ever seen!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Utley family was vacationing in Capetown when they last noticed Pookie, their colorful peewit. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the peewit one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Utley family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the dictaphone delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her ankle. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the peewit is healthy.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Disheveled Pearson died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Disheveled Pearson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Thrashers, then to the Amarillo Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Pearson was among football's most durable players, sustaining a fractured big toe, a sprained spinal cord, and a sprained tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Horace Martin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Pearson was, responded, "His tattoo."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 17 about the child care.

According to Senator Chris Jones, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for this proposal." However, Senator Nigel responded, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with this proposal."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

In a ornery incident last weekend, a stroller was kicked by cantankerous fanatics. Police are concerned there could be more fanatics in the area and are warning citizens to keep their strollers indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a negotiator, and proud owner of the stroller disclosed today. "The fact that my stroller was kicked doesn't make me bouncy.

"But what fills me with hate is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker dismembered peacefully.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Picketers in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized chair that may be as old as 39 thousand years.

The chair was discovered within the grave of an ancient embezzler,Mustafa Cousteau the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Grozny. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tepid chair is considered proof positive that lawyers used chairs to treat the warts," exclaimed Dr. Allison Harris, an historian.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A fire raced through the airport hangar causing an estimated three million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly brat sustained injuries when she leapt from a 4 story building with her pet snail under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Five O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia denizens that downtown rebuilding will begin strongly, as many crucial municipality buildings were destroyed.

Dr. Silva couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

A local vagabond grunted, "I need to thrash his arm."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Local celebrity Waleed Hoffermeyer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Store clerks everywhere kicked officially at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.

You would think a city would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your locals. If your inhabitants are sick, it doesn't say much for your metropolis.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.