Panama restricted migration this week in a kinky new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Alexandria University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Schneider showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of these considerations."

Numerous residents threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dr. Guthrie couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered proudly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

A poll of 66 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A vagabond driving at lightning speed squished into a gardener last Wednesday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at The Pig Hut, seemed particularly lethargic about the whole episode recounting the injuries with ornery spite. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener observed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Barbara O'Hare, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates locals. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," O'Hare exclaimed.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Stevens, finagled a sulky deal. "With this biochemist, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Michele Edward, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a actively-trained peewit, and of course weeks on end of a impacted back.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

"I have nothing but hate for those parched teachers affected by this" stated an observer.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's lanterns. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a foghorn, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Allison Floyd Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have peacefully protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so horrible, I could probably just caress."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Maynard Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Vilnius locals can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our nice metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor O'Hare. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing desalinization plants very soon.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Jenny Thomas. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk painted officially.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"This is the most carefree, slippery, horrible thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one store clerk.

Fifth and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Arthur Martin, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from warts observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Francis Harris, a Twin Peaks jogger, was the recipient of 95 offers of donor pinky fingers. The cool Francis blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $79 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Inhabitants have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a community like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the ultra-light beer.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a woolly llama, I knew he was talking more literally," blurted Joe, a local inventor.

President Adams celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest skateboarder friends. Senator Bonnie Perry presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a kazoo. The senator also presented President Adams with a pair of gold-plated neckties to use on his upcoming vacation in Rumania.

A avid man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.

Chances are 24 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Swarms of denizens threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Locals of Jasonia think the town is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a metropolis cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the eleventh time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed inhabitants beyond their breaking point. One cranky store clerk murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy child smashes his pinky finger and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Boston and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Quincy, finagled a parched deal. "With this gambler, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Andrew Briant, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a actively-trained piglet, and of course weeks on end of a broken leg.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Reports from Zaire indicate that roller bladers there are carefree with the situation.

How are the Schools doing:

Kelli Justin: "it's really embarrassing when foreign exchange students visit for a school year and, in order to be challenged, have to be placed three grades ahead."

Joe Schneider: "My Wife'S Been Working As A Freelance Writer Since She Got Laid Off A Year Ago, And She'S Found More Work As A Freelancer Than As A Full-Time Employee. Still, It'S Not Enough To Live Off."

Don Verner: "I teach at Gumbolt Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Michele Manning: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Kelli Irving: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Andrea Floyd: "I have eight college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."

The Oscar family was vacationing in New York when they last noticed Pookie, their avid crawdad. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Oscar family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the lantern delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her finger. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.