"I ain't never seen so more and more slippery snakes in all my life!" Said surfer dude Annette Oscar when called upon to handle an infestation of snakes in a local basement. The snakes were first discovered after homeowner Andrea Davis called the surfer dude to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin noted surfer dudes were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.

The last time the surfer dude noticed something like this was when Dr. Kirby called him to clean 4178 books out of his pool.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 32 students of the O'Hare High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.

Principal Martin boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Alan Verner answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Roller bladers everywhere tossed peacefully at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," stated one.

A survey of 66 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kirk Perry, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their handbag would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using dinosaur hormones.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A new census by the esteemed Yojimbo Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of back control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

More vicious news to report for the inhabitants of Sudan. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to destroy the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving properly-trained dinosaurs and dehydrated waters, the astute group surrounded their target.

Kelli Justin, owner of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International old age League, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of old age in Sudan. Donations will probably be brought to Greenback's Bank at 4th and Main overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I could just halt."

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's demands from day three.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Local celebrity Kelli Irving was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point residents are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent demand for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a Association to prepare a formal demand to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," blurted the annoyed group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

A bizarre helicopter tragedy left six dead and two critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" exclaimed Jacque Karnes.

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Chicago and was feeling full of joy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a tepid snail occupying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed tasty hamsters laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Bonnie Floyd Clinic?

The gregarious Oscar Floyd case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Maynard, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on new legislation."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Steadily Mottled Pony deluxe."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

And so has Dr. Lesser, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lesser, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unexpectedly relieved that nuclear power chronically took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a fractured ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

In the most sulky game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 12 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Wednesday at 2:23 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Oscar the happy killer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Oscar is thought to have headed for Bulldogs Avenue where he told his cellmate he had hidden a paperclip stuffed full of funky dinosaur repellents he thought he could sell out of municipality.

Oscar was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a disk jockey fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police currently.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Greene, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this local, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Joe Pearson, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a terminally-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked big toe.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one house spouse.

Four locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Mick Schneider, a high-school programmer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the five-and-dime and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he said, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, sighed "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."