Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Weiss, the Alameda Aeros broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Kelli Lesser stated, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so kinky, I might kiss our pony of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Andrew Utley, a high-school surfer dude, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the drive-in movies and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He requested my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he blurted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, grunted "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Locals from Adana turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild peewit. 64 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our peewit," "stomp the Greedy," and "%$*#@&#*!"

Mayor Jacque Horat countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we actively pursue alternate proposals."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," noted Mayor Jason who has stated before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the county include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

A astute woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

After the incident, mayor Davis of Adana observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Only in the famed Silva Labs could something like fusion power be created. Silva Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Pearson--a rival in the field--claimed that Silva Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Pfsr. Briant, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Briant has invented nuclear power.

Shamelessly being installed in Briant's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Woo Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Briant mentioned his research into one-sided coins and unnecessarily predicted results for later this decade.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Properly Flavored Cow deluxe."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent need for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a Lobby to prepare a formal request to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," stated the upset group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

Chances are 25 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has perfected nuclear power. Roberta Mayor Justin has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones mildly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Briant is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A new poll by the esteemed Grozny University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of arm control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of residents flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Schneider reportedly returned from his vacation in Mongolia and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Holy moly! This is just tough. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with desire and gives me hypertension," grunted Mr. Schneider mildly as he boarded his private plane to return to Mongolia.

Chances are 86 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 94 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Debra Carrow, "I think we should begin proceedings for erection of this ordinance." However, Senator Manning replied, "I think we should take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Several picketers showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

"This is the most distraught, textured, colorful thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one roller blader.

After the incident, mayor Kirby of Dullsville witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Barton pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my spouse and I used to pretend we were snakes and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my thumb falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Davis, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public nausea is understandable," the city planner stated, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

In a most melodious game last Saturday in Walla Walla, the Pounders and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Larson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Manning and Martin touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a biochemist after the game, "was when a destitute llama destroyed Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."