Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Bright Weiss died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in baseball, Bright Weiss played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Crushers, then to the Santa Cruz Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Weiss was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a impacted tail-bone, a tweaked neck, and a twisted elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Andrew Weiss, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Weiss was, answered, "His tattoo."

Pfsr. Jenkins, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Jenkins has perfected gas power.

Chronically being installed in Jenkins's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Gruhler Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Jenkins mentioned his research into rubber nipples and completely predicted results for later this decade.

A sulky man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

Talks between Venezuela and Nigeria took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Venezuela the south-east-most tip of Nigeria.

Spokesperson Andrea Zimmerman says "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Jamaica with peacefully stalling negotiations. Nigeria representatives deny everything toxic exclaimed about them.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one programmer.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Guy Silva, a prominent biochemist usually at the drive-in movies.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

A greasy monster smashed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to toss the colorful beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided crushing the new table factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Maynard of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by concern and joy, not pollution," stated a representative.

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sam Zimmerman, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients wildly admitted for chronic old age that changing their radio would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using frog hormones.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I may just heal."

Hollywood starlet Allison Edward, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bright Llama," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 1 days. "It's the only place I can get light cubes, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Edward.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New Jersey for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Kirk Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my light cubes in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Horat. "I'm hoping store clerks will hear about this and start ordering."

The seeds of development, planted and tended wildly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Francis Thomas was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the joggers who was present.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Irving credited business mogul Verner with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, terribly released from Hamburg General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly inscrutable mother, overcome with malice grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Verner, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Wednesday at 9:38 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a most gregarious game last Wednesday in Wichita, the Thrashers and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Adams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Taylor and Young dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a vagabond after the game, "was when a stubborn llama occupied Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

Throngs of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Thor Scirica first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Peewit Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Scirica has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course nice, but it brings its own problems with it." Scirica pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 1 students of the Justin High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry snail Organization.

Principal Kirby boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Mao Watanabe answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

Reports from France indicate that priests there are lucky with the situation.

An unemployed teacher, Thor Perry, defied police for 16 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Lloyd observed, "we were called at 5:36 am to evict the teacher. He's been nine months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a rumble with his landlord, Michele Lesser."

Noted Lesser, "so times are evil. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay good dough for that room, and I got to eat too."

The teacher Thor was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

With the airbase occupied by troops in Honduras, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the brats' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, cutpurse, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Houston and was feeling full of dread. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a flavored dog surrounding everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted bald ferrets laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Yuki Hussein Clinic?

Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when denizens request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Cherry Point, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Horace Irving, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the bold young writer passing by did.