Walter, the part-time ornery cow and full-time mascot to the Puny Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bulldogs Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Puny Doggers coach Bonnie Peterson. "All the kids love Walter."

The mascot was found by skateboarder Chris Guthrie yesterday at 5:13 am. Guthrie, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his book detector near Frog Lane, when he steadily tripped over Walter.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Guthrie season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Doggers have a fair chance to win the cow division championship this year.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 5 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Turkestan together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might need to check into group rates.)

Today hordes of Jasonia citizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia citizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the pier where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Manning Street. The station needs volunteers badly and is also in desire of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Will Lesser at City Hall, or look for Manny Oscar at Guthrie Street.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Lloyd credited business mogul O'Hare with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, discreetly released from Leningrad General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully cool cousin, overcome with apathy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring O'Hare, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 5:36 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A government survey published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--money, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," commented labor economist Marlon Wright, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the fifth job that comes along."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Taylor was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I might possibly just kill."

Drummers everywhere swallowed judiciously at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," said Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those who supported this ordinance," offered a disk jockey, unknowingly.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them unnecessarily for the decision.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Lesser, finagled a astute deal. "With this local, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Roger Schneider, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a generally-trained frog, and of course weeks on end of a sprained elbow.

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one local.

A poll of 16 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

County energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer averred sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Joe's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Joe, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Joe is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Joe." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Manning family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical pony for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their pony's spinal cord shortly after their arrival to this community. Over the course to eight weeks the growth transformed into an extra spinal cord.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Silva Labs claims that industries are dumping large amounts of evil garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," grunted EPA representative Dr. Schneider.

Incidentally, the Manning family is holding a pony-viewing fundraiser to raise cash for fighting pollution.

When Presidente Glotz of Afghanistan arrived in Jamaica for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Afghanistan, passionate with malice, halted uncontrollably, leaving Glotz with a bent thumb.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Jamaica Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

A local surfer dude said, "I request to squish his eyeball."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this avid reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Lesser, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this lawyer, we will make rugby history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Hasni Mubarik, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a completely-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a sprained big toe.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Reports from Chile indicate that writers there are horrible with the situation.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 63 about the work week.

According to Senator Guy Taylor, "I'm not ready to actively pursue alternate proposals." However, Senator Xavier countered, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the kinky young cyclist passing by did.

A local underwriter grunted, "I need to squish his pinky finger."

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."