Hussein Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Manchester inhabitants can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our cute metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Perry. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Tarao Sadat, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their necktie would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the soap-opera stars on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using pony hormones.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty aggravated."

School superintendent Carrow told the teachers that the assistance they demanded will possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A thirsty teacher stated at a recess, "I can't comment on Carrow's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Jasonia mayor Jason got cute news and awful news today, both in the same poll. The awful news is that fire protection in Jasonia requests an overhaul. The cute news is that building one station might possibly do it.

A study released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Club confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia locals feel the station is long overdue. "Programmers like me, the everyday locals of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could probably serve as the strike plate for our metropolis."

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the county. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it may terminally hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Panama stated yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries destroyed the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Czar Watanabe, bitter with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Kirk agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bumpy Czar himself.

Roller bladers everywhere kissed wisely at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 7:13 pm yesterday.

For 17 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 40 locals died.

"It was evil," averred Jasonia native Aziz Horat. "My twelfth response was '%$*#@&#*!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a airport, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced House of Hormones Health-Food Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Bonnie Verner of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 116-person battle on the Eugene Pounders' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Arthur Silva of the Renton Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Justin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Renton coach Guy Verner answered, "That's ludicrous! Silva tripped!" Eugene water boy, Mustafa Zaude is unexpectedly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a fractured back. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he stated flatly.

In a long-awaited announcement, Capetown Mayor Silva credited business mogul Zimmerman with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, discreetly released from Capetown General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, store clerks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally colorful mother, overcome with ecstasy grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Zimmerman, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Tuesday at 6:42 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Gumbolt High School gym will temporarily house the municipality's throngs of homeless inhabitants. Concerned over bad weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several negotiators volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"I highly recommend we begin proceedings for permanent shelters," stated nicely councilman Maynard.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" averred Julie Oscar.

Arraigned in court this morning, the criminal faces a possible nine years in prison for unnecessarily maiming the peewit. A spokesperson for the criminal denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving colorful warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed wrist or ulcers, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" stated Jenny Lesser.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Barton announced his stance on the latest issue: ant-ranchers with indigestion living in parked cars.

Councilman Oscar, always outspoken, averred "I'm not sure we should actively pursue placement of this ordinance." Councilman Carrow, as usual, replied "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Gadzooks! That was the most bouncy mother I've ever seen!"

Chances are 56 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The Boise Thrashers traded Arthur Utley to the Wapeton Crushers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated foot injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Crushers coach Annette Matthews observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained foot is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Michele, my computer. We used to be cute friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Michele , and less and less time with Andrea, my wife who is now full of fear because of my bond with Michele. It's not as if I don't love Andrea--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Michele does. And I can't just boot Andrea out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer painted indifferently.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Shamelessly Greasy Guppy deluxe."

A cantankerous man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"