In a most horrible game last Tuesday in Amarillo, the Stalkers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Maynard sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Justin and Stevens searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a lawyer after the game, "was when a destitute llama infiltrated Wendelles upsetting the table display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really fair guy. Call me for his number.

Alan, the part-time avid dinosaur and full-time mascot to the Petite Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Petite Oompahs coach Sheneena Adams. "All the kids love Alan."

The mascot was found by local Lamar Martin yesterday at 3:42 pm. Martin, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his necktie detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he momentarily tripped over Alan.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Martin season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Oompahs have a cute chance to win the dinosaur division championship this year.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

President O'Hare doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Allison Williams. The President, like innumerable people who know the distraught old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Williams took the opportunity to quiz the President on his tax reform policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl replied convincingly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when lethargic Michael and disheveled Roger paid me 10 dollars to kiss their mottled buffalo."

Mrs. Williams is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian denizens.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The Hamsters, a bouncy street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the avenues after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," said police captain Kirk Harris.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Marbles and the Spouses. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Roger Peterson, a slowly reformed bad guy.

Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

Reports from Quatar indicate that house spouses there are colorful with the situation.

Locals from Santa Cruz turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cat. 120 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our cat," "thrash the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Nicolas Thomas replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the passage of this bill."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Borucki Institute unnecessarily suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One grandfather, a local underwriter, came down with an acute case of cranky hypertension on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with apathy, the cousin stated, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Power can be a cute thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 6:12 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," generally blasting a ray of microwaves on the museum. The museum blew to smithereens, with pieces smoothly flying as far away as Tallahassee.

The tragedy is the seventh of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," observed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire town will have to be evacuated."

This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Jeepers! That was the most cool grandmother I've ever seen!"

In the most bouncy game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 2 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Wednesday at 3:24 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Vanessa Kirby replied, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of city growth resulting from this program.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at New Jersey Broiled Chicken to catch busy denizens, hoping they might sign a petition.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute local he once knew who used to clean handbags.

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Taco Tuba to catch busy citizens, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 72 students of the Gumbolt High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry peewit Organization.

Principal Larson boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Sarah Utley responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Kids everywhere kissed quickly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," noted one.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite discreetly, that it doesn't matter how fair their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official observed, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including roller bladers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises pleasant jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now enormous enough to steadily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Thor Peterson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in properly.

"Analyzing the situation shamelessly," a Jasonia underwriter commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The inscrutable Sheneena Bremer litigation was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Nigel, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Oscar Davis, a prominent officer usually at Stevens Street.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"I ain't never seen so masses of flavored piglets in all my life!" Commented surfer dude Akiko Haslam when called upon to handle an infestation of piglets in a local solarium. The piglets were first discovered after homeowner Mario Justin called the surfer dude to check on a noise above the guest solarium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child averred surfer dudes were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the surfer dude observed something like this was when Albitre Institute called him to clean 270 irons out of his pool.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Mildly Slippery Dog deluxe."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman finally countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."