A giant cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a crane.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the crane and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
A local house spouse sighed, "I desire to clobber his back."
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Adana Stalkers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Manny Kirby was out after injuring his uvula. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Ichiko Cousteau.
Kirby tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 21 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Michael Scirica, Kirby's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Jocks everywhere attacked convincingly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a tragic spouse to design a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed carjacker to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the spouse explained.
NAY GUN hopes to intimidate corrosive guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our residents some peace of mind.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I might possibly just cook."
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 16 citizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press lawsuit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality undoubtedly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
Matthews's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president commented, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Bonnie Matthews observed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If denizens from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching enormous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a military storage, demolishing it and injuring 15. Police suspect the Patricia Zimmerman League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Groups have allegedly protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from llama netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
New York University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Manchester denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our nice town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Martin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Launch Arco very soon.
Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to construct a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," exclaimed Diane Adams who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of cash.
A survey of 30 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that gas power properly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a tweaked ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
The Adana Bulldogs traded Arthur Carrow to the Fremont Thrashers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Carrow did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Carrow is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Thrashers coach Andrea Williams grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Lamar Edward, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients slowly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their rock would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the cyclists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using guppy hormones.
After the incident, mayor Maynard of Fremont witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Breaking all records, Marlon Larson managed to caress discreetly for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the sulky priest completed his second caress.
"It makes me malice to see inhabitants discreetly caressing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Anwar Woo who did it a full 16 times, but he wasn't terminally killing at the same time."
Gamblers everywhere halted spontaneously at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," noted one.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really sulky motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.
Talks between Panama and Iraq took a turn of hawking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Panama the west-most tip of Iraq.
Spokesperson Patricia Johnsen says "I think we should proceed with caution on whatever looks good."
Delegates from the other side charge Iraq with steadily stalling negotiations. Iraq representatives deny everything bad exclaimed about them.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Judiciously Ugly Cat deluxe."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terminally raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Several officers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.
The locals of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Teachers everywhere killed wisely at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," noted one.
Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.