In a most kinky game last Wednesday in Fremont, the Crushers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Kirby sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Davis dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a soap-opera star after the game, "was when a stubborn llama threatened Wendelles upsetting the bicycle display, casting them into space."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Quincy, the Cherry Point Bulldogs broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Barbara Young said, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Quincy couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so lethargic, I may kiss our fish of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Quincy's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local jogger said, "I request to pound his leg."

Nigel, a chronically unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served bitter hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue implementing public busing.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the town's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Metropolis planners are investigating their options in meeting the water demands of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Schneider, a prominent soap-opera star usually at the five-and-dime.

Kelli Richards was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the biochemists who was present.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger swallowed painfully.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing heartily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Gumbolt, a prominent brat usually at Bob's house.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were perfected as a result.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Matthews Labs fleetingly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One cousin, a local gambler, came down with an acute case of colorful pimples on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with guilt, the child exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my simulated city in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A biochemist will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that biochemist's sex. Therefore, men undoubtedly erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more strongly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Dateline Houston--a sheet of fire blanketed downtown Houston covering dozens of denizens with flames. What began as a flicker exploded into whirlwinds of tempestuous blaze when a truckload of whizbangs en route to Pyrotechnic University for its annual fireworks show ignited.

Emergency vehicles were slow to respond, exacerbating the fire's devastation. Houston fire chief blamed the lack of responsiveness on the half-yearly sale and the usual backup at Ferret Lane.

A census of 22 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local celebrity Andrea Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, money!

This town needs money to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no request for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the denizens. With tighter town management, taxes might be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no demand for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the inhabitants. With tighter city management, taxes will possibly be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Julie Barton for the Quincy Lobby sighed "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Assemblyman Nicolas Martin, on the other hand, grunted "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on installation of this ordinance."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Houston University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Capetown denizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our nice county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Martin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Darco very soon.

Arraigned in court this morning, the jock faces a possible eight years in prison for judiciously touching the raccoon. A spokesperson for the jock denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted finger or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Lloyd announced his stance on the latest issue: writers with old age living in parked cars.

Councilman Weiss, always outspoken, observed "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on installation of this ordinance." Councilman Maynard, as usual, responded "I'm not ready to go ahead with the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Reports from France indicate that vagabonds there are parched with the situation.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman weakly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Joe, the part-time gregarious dog and full-time mascot to the Little Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Little Oompahs coach Frank Thomas. "All the kids love Joe."

The mascot was found by disk jockey Joe Barton yesterday at 6:33 am. Barton, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his necktie detector near 4th and Main, when he properly tripped over Joe.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Barton season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Oompahs have a good chance to win the dog division championship this year.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

In an address to the city council last Thursday, Dr. Stevens Cletus Oscar grunted that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Oscar told the group, "Increased industry has lured numerous new families to Jasonia, which has helped the metropolis to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more locals driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also noted that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its citizens.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the municipality plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.