"I ain't never seen so numerous tepid raccoons in all my life!" Exclaimed lawyer Horace Schneider when called upon to handle an infestation of raccoons in a local backyard. The raccoons were first discovered after homeowner Horace Manning called the lawyer to check on a noise above the guest closet.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt averred lawyers were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.

The last time the lawyer noticed something like this was when Larson Labs called him to clean 3153 go-carts out of his pool.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

Marlon, the part-time astute crawdad and full-time mascot to the Puny Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Puny Doggers coach Marlon Bremer. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by underwriter Will Oscar yesterday at 3:32 pm. Oscar, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his book detector near the five-and-dime, when he mildly tripped over Marlon.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Oscar season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Doggers have a good chance to win the crawdad division championship this year.

"This is the most avid, short, sulky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one local.

When Chairman Horat of Oman arrived in Uruguay for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Borucki of Oman, passionate with guilt, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Horat with a fractured arm.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Uruguay Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The Williams family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical hamster for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their hamster's back shortly after their arrival to this city. Over the course to four weeks the growth transformed into an extra back.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Pfsr. Edward claims that industries are dumping large amounts of vicious garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," sighed EPA representative Dr. Schneider.

Incidentally, the Williams family is holding a hamster-viewing fundraiser to raise money for fighting pollution.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one underwriter parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Wright family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Wright parked in front of the house of Julie Briant who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a cute parking situation.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Carrow, finagled a sulky deal. "With this jogger, we will make rugby history, squishing whoever is in our way." Mick Young, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a heartily-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a broken fibula.

When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Marlon Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Programmers in Ethiopia announced the discovery of a fossilized bicycle that might possibly be as old as 23 thousand years.

The bicycle was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Tarao Watanabe the second, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Paris. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bumpy bicycle is considered proof positive that lawyers used bicycles to treat the indigestion," observed Dr. Thor Lloyd, an historian.

"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia negotiator stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Tasty Young died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in baseball, Tasty Young played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Oompahs, then to the Des Moines Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Young was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a strained tail-bone, a shattered wrist, and a bent big toe, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Barton, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Young was, countered, "His tattoo."

Dateline Kenya--adversaries today have pinned the Presidente Yamato at the drive-in movies in Kenya's capital city. "He's been in there for 8 hours," said opposition leader Kapek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing generally if we were to be actively pounded. So we were hiding permanently for our melodious safety," blurted one hostage.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including managers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises pleasant jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now huge enough to terribly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Manny Zimmerman has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in completely.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Gadzooks! That was the most crabby son I've ever seen!"

When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

An alien device thrashed Jasonia causing an estimated 10 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the seaport. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really ornery spokesperson for Lesser Labs.

Although most denizens who noticed the foreign object smashing building after building were scared, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

"Analyzing the situation peacefully," a Jasonia officer noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of tiny Joe and Michele. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, swarms of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice store clerk he once knew who used to heal jetpacks.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia denizens are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," noted Mrs. Carrow, obviously bothered over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has requested more fire stations for a while now. How many more citizens have to lose their homes before the municipality does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the inhabitants of Jasonia to peacefully pursue getting more fire protection in the county.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Kabul that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," said Alan Matthews, a local soap-opera star and part-time drug counselor.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of money.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Only in the famed Lloyd Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Lloyd Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in ultra-light beer research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Schneider--a rival in the field--claimed that Lloyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.