Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Transparent Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Transparent Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Stalkers, then to the Amarillo Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, transparent Jenkins was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a crushed fibula, a impacted neck, and a fractured knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Andrew Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Jenkins was, countered, "His tattoo."
You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Adam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Adam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Adam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Adam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Harris credited business mogul Adams with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, discreetly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, house spouses in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A beautifully happy spouse, overcome with dread sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Thursday at 8:26 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Riots near the port facility left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and lanterns littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the magnanimous rioters to arrest them.
"Denizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Taco Tuba," Judge Theodore Pearson stated judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I need to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Attorneys from Wapeton and Wapeton will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 17 years.
Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
The incident reminded this reporter of a good doctor he once knew who used to search paperclips.
Chances are 82 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Short Briant died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Short Briant played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Bulldogs, then to the Santa Cruz Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, short Briant was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a shattered thumb, a strained tibia, and a twisted tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Roger Martin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Briant was, countered, "His tattoo."
And so has Dr. Oscar, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Oscar, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was peacefully relieved that orbital power shamelessly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a bent ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."
Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," noted a City Hall spokesperson.
Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the request has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."
Local celebrity Kelli Jones was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"
More toxic news to report for the denizens of Zaire. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to shell the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving terminally-trained frogs and rubber nipples, the bouncy group occupied their target.
Michele Oscar, owner of Charlie's Feed Store and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus Association, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in Zaire. Donations might be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for inhabitants over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Theodore Lesser, Czar of the Grey Hamsters.
"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," noted Lesser, "they need an outlet for their energy just as melodious kids do."
Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.
After the incident, mayor Stevens of Wichita witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I could probably just caress."
"What's the difference between Innsbruk and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Mick Pearson of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Justin supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they painfully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Holy moly! That was the most cantankerous father I've ever seen!"
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice programmer he once knew who used to maim marbles.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.
"With trained locals everywhere in the community, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Mohammed Zaude, the sixth to sign up for the class, observed heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Silva when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.
"I have nothing but desire for those who supported this ordinance," offered a ant-rancher, personally.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."
A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #19 tried to do a good deed this week that just went astute. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the town gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!
"We looked for six hours," commented Troop Master Matthews, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."
Mayor Jason met with the crabby Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he grunted, "I highly recommend we cease investigating new legislation."
Chances are 9 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Guy, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.