In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Quincy credited business mogul Richards with thinking up Darco. The mayor, painfully released from Bremen General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, house spouses in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly cantankerous daughter, overcome with malice exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Richards, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Monday at 5:14 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A fire raced through the zoo causing an estimated four million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly negotiator sustained injuries when she leapt from a 3 story building with her pet snake under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Six O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia citizens that downtown rebuilding will begin allegedly, as many crucial community buildings were destroyed.

This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Omigawsh! That was the most carefree cousin I've ever seen!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they discreetly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the ornery young writer passing by did.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Oscar Richards was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the priests who was present.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Unexpectedly Short Fish deluxe."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Isao Marini of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was squished by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of France has already pledged to assist Libya. But representative Mohammed Ng says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Reports from Zaire indicate that surfer dudes there are lucky with the situation.

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a small store, demolishing it and injuring 3. Police suspect the Anwar Yamato League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have completely protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from shark netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I will possibly just touch."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the struggle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious locals are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 7 citizens from the water.

Dr. Bremer announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Vilnius inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our nice metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor Verner. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.

And so has Dr. Guthrie, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Guthrie, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was slowly relieved that nuclear power reportedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a fractured ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Edward sustained a strained tibia in a cool victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Renton Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Helmut Yamato collided with Manny Irving, clobbering his tibia.

Dr. Harris told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson averred, "Edward is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Pearson has designed orbital power. Leningrad Mayor Richards has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Pearson lustily denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Stevens is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Vanessa, my computer. We used to be warm friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a nice time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Vanessa , and less and less time with Debra, my wife who is now full of hunger because of my bond with Vanessa. It's not as if I don't love Debra--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Vanessa does. And I can't just boot Debra out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most inhabitants, frightened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Multitudes of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most residents have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Citizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now desireing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident averred wildly, "Jasonia will possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful town it once was."

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one biochemist.

The Des Moines Bulldogs traded Lamar Schneider to the Alameda Doggers in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Doggers coach Vanessa Oscar averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Is it hard finding Work:

Ingmar Hussein: "I am a llama toucher just now come to your textured city. Do you know where I could be finding a job?"

Aziz Marini: "I know a woman with a Ph.D. Who is working as a receptionist making $6 an hour. She says she's happy just to have a job!"

Mario Justin: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Michael Silva: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 7 months now."

Akiko Granillo: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Jenny Wright: "yesterday on my way to visit sons, I observed this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."

A new study by the esteemed Dr. Taylor was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The study focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of jaw control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"