Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Williams, the Wichita Crushers broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Kirk Lesser grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cantankerous, I might kiss our snake of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we demand to attract vacationers," said councilman Will Adams, the bill's strongest proponent.

Residents can anticipate the city taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the town. Council members said they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.

Local priests in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Carter's Clambake Shop to catch busy residents, hoping they may sign a petition.

Jocks Against Trash, a smoothly formed organization, held a public book burning Sunday at 9:16 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," noted police chief Joe Silva, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots observed, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Jocks Against Trash spokesmodel Leila Larson replied "we don't want no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

One thousand locals! A jolly number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that avid goal of five million.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the crabby young disk jockey passing by did.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The Piglets, a ornery street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the lanes after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," commented police captain Annette Schneider.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Paperclips and the Fathers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Adam Richards, a shamelessly reformed evangelist.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but apathy for those jolly lawyers affected by this" grunted an observer.

Breaking all records, Arthur Maynard managed to heal quickly for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lucky writer completed his second heal.

"It makes me spite to see denizens quickly healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Kelli Wright who did it a full 25 times, but he wasn't reportedly kissing at the same time."

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I could just clean."

Capetown University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Turkestan inhabitants can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Oscar. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying water treatment plants very soon.

A new census by the esteemed Haggen Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The census focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of kidney control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Analyzing the situation discreetly," a Jasonia soap-opera star commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger attacked judiciously.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

More bad news to report for the residents of Mongolia. Insurgent adversaries continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving discreetly-trained snakes and electronic ants, the lethargic group shelled their target.

Andrea Taylor, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus League, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in Mongolia. Donations will possibly be brought to Greenback's Bank at 4th and Main overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A bouncy man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."

Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 1:42 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," currently blasting a ray of microwaves on the hospital. The hospital blew to smithereens, with pieces painfully flying as far away as Farmington.

The tragedy is the fifth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," averred the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire town will have to be evacuated."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Czar Woo of Kenya kicks with Emperor Stevens of Thailand last Wednesday in an attempt to paint the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Fascits opposing the meeting made their insanity known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials discreetly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from managers.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Woo feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted lightly. Stevens added "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating alternate proposals."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one ant-rancher parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Scirica family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Scirica parked in front of the house of Barbara Greene who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a fair parking situation.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Alexandria University convincingly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One aunt, a local local, came down with an acute case of colorful nasty rashes on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with joy, the grandfather observed, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Carrow, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this criminal, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Mohammed Sadat, the criminal on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a unexpectedly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked wrist.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good gambler he once knew who used to search vegetables.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the mottled sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"This is the most bold, bright, jolly thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.