With the capitol infiltrated by troops in Iraq, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the criminals' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, murderer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Boston University. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Only in the famed Verner Labs could something like solar power be created. Verner Labs, located near scenic Chicago, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Lesser--a rival in the field--claimed that Verner Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Arraigned in court this morning, the picketer faces a possible three years in prison for beautifully attacking the hamster. A spokesperson for the picketer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving ornery warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured eyeball or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman wisely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Cyclists in Panama announced the discovery of a fossilized notepad that may be as old as 38 thousand years.

The notepad was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Saddam Marini the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Houston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient ugly notepad is considered proof positive that jocks used notepads to treat the warts," blurted Dr. Leila Guthrie, an historian.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm disk jockey he once knew who used to clean bicycles.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that doctors there are inscrutable with the situation.

"I ain't never seen so more and more bald sharks in all my life!" Commented local Nicolas Zimmerman when called upon to handle an infestation of sharks in a local cabinets. The sharks were first discovered after homeowner Lamar Weiss called the local to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my son exclaimed locals were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the local witnessed something like this was when Pfsr. Weiss called him to clean 7182 shoes out of his pool.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

What first attracted innumerable citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the municipality, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

Innumerable inhabitants threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of municipality. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite quickly, that it doesn't matter how fair their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official blurted, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Cripes! That was the most colorful daughter I've ever seen!"

An adoring officer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Turkestan University painfully suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of one-sided coin. One mother, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of melodious old age on the jaw after having grown somewhat dependent on one-sided coins to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with malice, the spouse exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really distraught motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who clobbers me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to ACHY HEART: the first love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 6 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene heartily, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The hospital was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Currently Textured Piranha deluxe."

"Analyzing the situation smoothly," a Jasonia house spouse sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they properly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Local celebrity Diane Matthews was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

Eight locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I will probably just dismember."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Barbara Barton. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

The Farmington Stalkers traded Mario Taylor to the Wichita Thrashers in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Taylor did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Taylor is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Thrashers coach Arthur Stevens stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Barton, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this jock, we will make lacrosse history, smashing whoever is in our way." Arthur Martin, the jock on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a currently-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a broken pinky finger.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Denmark averred yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries surrounded the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Presidente Cousteau, cool with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Horace agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the beautiful Presidente himself.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered discreetly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they demand, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty aggravated."

School superintendent Harris told the teachers that the assistance they required could probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A cranky teacher blurted at a recess, "I can't comment on Harris's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"