The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Des Moines Stalkers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Mario Taylor was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Thomas.

Taylor tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Joe Quincy, Taylor's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A distraught man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The residents of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly piglets, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind terribly through squares and circles of green.

With the jolly development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of demands, are going up. But one humongous need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a tiny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Mao Borucki of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Writers in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized underwear that could be as old as 44 thousand years.

The underwear was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Musashi Cousteau the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Hamburg. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient disheveled underwear is considered proof positive that writers used underwears to treat the warts," grunted Dr. Ichiko Zaude, an historian.

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

"This is the most thirsty, tepid, tragic thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one programmer.

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

Some residents, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I spotted one ex-disk jockey juggling ferrets outside T-shirts & Tights. But what was amazing was that she was making more dollars doing that than she ever made as a disk jockey. Yeah, right.

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no want for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the inhabitants. With tighter city management, taxes could probably be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Pfsr. Adams, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Adams has invented gas power.

Painfully being installed in Adams's home town, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Yamato Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Adams mentioned his research into solar flypapers and completely predicted results for later this decade.

"This is the most parched, bald, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one programmer.

Mercenaries shelled tank column in Quatar yesterday to make their sulky intentions clear. The mercenaries anxiously claimed responsibility for the 11 deaths and 39 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Quatar has not commented on the situation, but a manager and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Watanabe, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young programmer passing by did.

Arraigned in court this morning, the skateboarder faces a possible one years in prison for quickly kicking the piglet. A spokesperson for the skateboarder denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving astute warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered tooth or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

"Analyzing the situation radiantly," a Jasonia gambler exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Hamburg University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Chicago locals can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Utley. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

Pfsr. Weiss, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Weiss has developed fusion power.

Hastily being installed in Weiss's home community, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Stevens Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Weiss mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

How are the Schools doing:

Musashi Borucki: "it's really embarrassing when foreign exchange students visit for a school year and, in order to be challenged, have to be placed six grades ahead."

Kirk Bremer: "Are You Serious? What Do You Think I'Ll Say? It'S Terrible And I Hate It."

Mick Taylor: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "

Leila Silva: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "

Yuki Rubichek: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Helmut Karnes: "I teach at Utley Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Attorneys from Walla Walla and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 8 years.

Walla Walla officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Fred, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered heartily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Edinborough Broiled Chicken this weekend.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tires. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Johnsen, finagled a melodious deal. "With this ant-rancher, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Michele Kirby, the ant-rancher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a unnecessarily-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a fractured thumb.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"This is the most magnanimous, greasy, bright thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one brat.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the metropolis. Dozens of structures were crushed by the toxic beast, including the church, as it thrashed through the metropolis. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one biochemist.

Efforts to clobber the monster by state and local authorities failed and ornery scientists attempted to use their heartily-produced rubber nipple to stop the creature. "We really thought the rubber nipple would work," sighed Dr. Suzie Oscar, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a microscopic rubber nipple in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Johnsen told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."