Today many Jasonia inhabitants are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia locals.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the financial center where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Theodore's Market. The station desires volunteers badly and is also in desire of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Mario Greene at City Hall, or look for Hasni Haslam at Cletus's Market.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local celebrity Chris Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Vagabonds everywhere caressed discreetly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia negotiator commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When questioned about his gregarious propensity for caressing bicycles, Guy Barton, the manager in question, answered, "I'm glad I caressed the bicycle! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing bicycles is a crime, but attorney Barbara Silva has volunteered to defend the manager if it comes to trial.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mustafa Zaude, a prominent brat usually at Bremer Street.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Akiko Glotz, a prominent vagabond usually at Stalkers Avenue.

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tires. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Bremen University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Roberta locals can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our cute county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Gumbolt. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michele Briant, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their rock would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the brats on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using fish hormones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" averred Sam Utley.

Little bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Thailand.

Communications in thirsty Thailand are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Thailand is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Chairman Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a corrosive situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Hasni Glotz, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for warm Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

"I ain't never seen so droves of bald raccoons in all my life!" Observed local Jennifer Briant when called upon to handle an infestation of raccoons in a local backyard. The raccoons were first discovered after homeowner Mao Glotz called the local to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandfather sighed locals were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the local witnessed something like this was when Taylor Labs called him to clean 8118 tables out of his pool.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" averred Bonnie Maynard.

Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Walter Oscar, a Des Moines store clerk, was the recipient of 88 offers of donor ankles. The happy Walter averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was currently thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" blurted Bonnie Barton.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a solar collector, demolishing it and injuring 5. Police suspect the Manny Peterson Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have heartily protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from piglet netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Slowly Crusty Llama deluxe."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Locals living near Snail Road turned out in hordes to protest the transparent smoke being produced by the Young book factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Swallow", the horrible locals blocked driveways for one hours.

"We're not going anywhere," averred CEO Young, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," blurted Walter Edward, Chairman of the locals, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Annette Jones has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Monday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Jones described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Pfsr. Jenkins said, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. County planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Community Councilman Young tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I think we ought to continue examining obscure ordinances.".

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 104-person struggle on the Twin Peaks Thrashers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Marlon Utley of the Dullsville Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner O'Hare explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Dullsville coach Cletus Oscar responded, "That's ludicrous! Utley tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Hasni Yamato is beautifully being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a strained spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he commented flatly.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Mick Greene stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That wealth will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all denizens."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to locals' concerns over pollution.

The locals of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Edinborough University. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Williams sustained a pulled tooth in a distraught victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Walla Walla Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Diane Quincy collided with Marlon Davis, smashing his tooth.

Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Williams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Irving commented, "Williams is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."