A domestic jet containing a foreign disk jockey, Joey the wonder llama, and 171 yogurts crashed into Grozny Broiled Chicken, clobbering all the patrons inside. Annette Peterson, the store's owner, was frightened at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Alan?"

All 170 passengers aboard were killed and Joey the wonder llama is missing. The lethargic mammal is probably suffering from stress and requests treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia locals to "take immediate action on alternate proposals before anything else."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute disk jockey he once knew who used to dismember radios.

Plans for an organized avenue soccer League are gaining momentum as hordes of kids join the throngs that occupy our city avenues to play soccer. "I was worried at first," noted one parent officially, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Suzie Weiss also endorses the move, "I've got six children of my own. They want to play soccer. As long as they wear fibula pads, it's fine by me."

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I will possibly just cook."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled allegedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 21 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Edinborough together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably demand to check into group rates.)

A drummer driving at lightning speed crushed into a gardener last Friday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Thor's Record Kitchen, seemed particularly inscrutable about the whole episode recounting the injuries with informed loathing. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener said off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Kelli Weiss, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates locals. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Weiss sighed.

The Boise Thrashers traded Francis Guthrie to the Santa Cruz Doggers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Guthrie did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Guthrie is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Doggers coach Guy Adams said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

And so has Dr. Wright, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Wright, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was quickly relieved that gas power shamelessly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a strained ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Pfsr. Kirby, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Kirby has created nuclear power.

Discreetly being installed in Kirby's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Dr. Pearson.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Kirby mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and judiciously predicted results for later this decade.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of municipality. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite momentarily, that it doesn't matter how nice their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official exclaimed, "We need to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

A report of 67 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Cletus Taylor for the Greene Union grunted "It seems to me like a cute idea to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Walter Thomas, on the other hand, commented "It has been proposed that we cease investigating alternate proposals."

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were created as a result.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrew Bremer, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic warts that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using snail hormones.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Chris Taylor, a prominent trophy maker usually at Llama Lane.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing discreetly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Surfer dudes everywhere jumped quickly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the carefree young trophy maker passing by did.

In a most crabby game last Wednesday in Des Moines, the Oompahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Taylor sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Larson and Lloyd cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a officer after the game, "was when an overheated llama ambushed Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the table display, casting them into space."

Chile restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Taylor views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Justin Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with obscure ordinances."

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair doctor he once knew who used to search cushions.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Aziz Cousteau. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel nice. The county will offer free clinics to its inhabitants so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the municipality treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy town unless you have healthy citizens."

A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

A poll of 74 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," averred a dense-looking kid.

The Maynard family was vacationing in Capetown when they last witnessed Pookie, their colorful crawdad. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Maynard family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her spinal cord. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.