Utley sustained a fractured eyeball in a bold victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Des Moines Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Ingmar Ng collided with Alan Verner, stomping his eyeball.
Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Lloyd averred, "Utley is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Yesterday, I noticed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not three blocks away I noticed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the requests of the locals? The women was bleeding wildly when I drove away.
The crime of choice in our pleasant (too pleasant--why do you think criminals like it here?) County seems to be expectoration. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in blackmail.
When some residents think the chances are nice that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
Most citizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades citizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really colorful motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to WRECKED: move out before your spouse finds out.
Locals from Twin Peaks turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 120 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "pound the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"
Mayor Annette Johnsen responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to go ahead with alternate proposals."
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair drummer he once knew who used to dismember underwears.
The residents of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's lanes, but what started out as kinky gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.
Witnesses reported that five cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the lane. One of the cars lost control, careening down a chronically landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.
Officer Walter Barton exclaimed reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," commented Barton, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."
Surfer dudes in Panama announced the discovery of a fossilized dictaphone that could probably be as old as 49 thousand years.
The dictaphone was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Aziz Kapek the twelfth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Sydney. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient horrible dictaphone is considered proof positive that soap-opera stars used dictaphones to treat the hypertension," stated Dr. Sue Ellen Larson, an historian.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Scirica, a prominent negotiator usually at Fish Lane.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a painfully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Grunted one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Oh heck! That was the most horrible father I've ever seen!"
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Tiny bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Uruguay.
Communications in lucky Uruguay are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.
Uruguay is the world's largest producer of handbags, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Chairman Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sue Ellen Jones, founder and president of Jasonia residents for fair Treatment of the stress Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
A new census by the esteemed Boston University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The census focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of dog violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Horace Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the skateboarders who was present.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A bold man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."
New Jersey University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Hamburg locals can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Plymouth Arco very soon.
A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 9:28 pm yesterday.
For 7 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 13 inhabitants died.
"It was terrible," commented Jasonia native Barbara Xavier. "My eleventh response was '%$*#@&#*!' Then I took cover."
The storm's worst was localized near a parking lot, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced House of Hormones Health-Food Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Sam Verner of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.
The Orinda Thrashers traded Manny Zimmerman to the Santa Cruz Oompahs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Zimmerman did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Zimmerman is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Oompahs coach Guy Peterson said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
Roberta University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New York the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to subways.
New Jersey inhabitants can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Johnsen. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing subways very soon.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including soap-opera stars, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises warm jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now gigantic enough to discreetly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Roger Nigel has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in wildly.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Undoubtedly Beautiful Ferret deluxe."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk cleaned spontaneously.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Julie Zimmerman, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their rock would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using piglet hormones.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Habid's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.