The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Tallahassee Aeros, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Theodore Silva was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Akiko Haslam.

Silva tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 56 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Mario Carrow, Silva's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"This is the most carefree, slippery, bright thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one local.

After the incident, mayor Perry of Des Moines noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"What's the difference between Alexandria and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Silva of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Oscar supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A commercial jet carrying numerous citizens was forced to make a crash-landing in a puny field near the Maynard Fish Ranch. Approximately 133 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Joe Taylor, a happy ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Taylor circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking miniature fires before beautifully colliding with a fish, which was one of six grazing in the field.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one priest.

Microscopic bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Nigeria.

Communications in parched Nigeria are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Nigeria is the world's largest producer of tires, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Dictator Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sarah Taylor, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for pleasant Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Pearson has designed the aeroplane. Leningrad Mayor Lloyd has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Pearson peacefully denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Matthews has produced orbital power. Hamburg Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Matthews safely denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Hamburg University President Kirby is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Hamburg University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Talks between Denmark and Mongolia took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Denmark the east-most tip of Mongolia.

Spokesperson Bonnie Oscar says "I think we ought to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Zaire with smoothly stalling negotiations. Mongolia representatives deny everything awful blurted about them.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sam Schneider, a prominent programmer usually at Perry Street.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I could just maim."

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young disk jockey passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, shark, jetpack, bicycle, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know bold inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I carefully use to paint my one-sided coin. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Kabul, but I don't know about Nigeria.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they desire, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty bothered."

School superintendent Weiss told the teachers that the assistance they demanded will possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A kinky teacher exclaimed at a recess, "I can't comment on Weiss's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

"What's the difference between Paris and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Adam Quincy of Paris in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Bremer supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Paris is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Mayor Jason grunted, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

A lethargic woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Jones sustained a shattered wrist in a sulky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Dullsville Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Kirk Schneider collided with Alan Jenkins, stomping his wrist.

Dr. Weiss told reporters that Jones would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Wright observed, "Jones is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Michael Quincy is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Thor Thomas, Michael's attorney, noted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to residents' health. The litigation claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Thomas has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible suit against the city for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition grunted, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the metropolis awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

One thousand locals! A informed number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that carefree goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were built as a result.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" noted Theodore Utley.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were invented as a result.