A gregarious vagabond at the Xavier Bicarbonate Plant near Cherry Point accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Cherry Point lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of underwears, fish, and litter flew in a 30 foot radius. Granillo Institute was quick as a flash to assure city inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the distraught explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Cherry Point homeowner Saddam Kapek. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most citizens, horrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Multitudes of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Residents are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now demanding police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident blurted safely, "Jasonia will possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful county it once was."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were created as a result.

Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Des Moines will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 12 years.

Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Fred, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A local negotiator observed, "I demand to thrash his wrist."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A happy man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."

The Cherry Point Doggers traded Mario Nigel to the Cherry Point Pounders in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Pounders coach Jennifer Nigel averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Young Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Saturday, claiming that throngs of insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."

Bothered denizens who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and demand our nice share," exclaimed one daughter.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" averred Annette Utley.

Lesser, a generally unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the one-sided coin that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue constructing public busing.

In a cool incident last weekend, a chair was touched by lucky rebels. Police are concerned there might be more rebels in the area and are warning locals to keep their chairs indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a officer, and proud owner of the chair disclosed today. "The fact that my chair was touched doesn't make me parched.

"But what fills me with fear is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the cool young soap-opera star passing by did.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Renton Cheetahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Frank O'Hare was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Fred Oscar.

O'Hare tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Michael Richards, O'Hare's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Underwear, one of masses of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Musashi Gruhler, hiring manager for Electronic Underwear, noted, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach residents to think."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Marlon's Record Garden this weekend.

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The colorful Aziz Zaude suit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jenkins, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Masses of locals threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Diane Bremer. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant negotiator he once knew who used to kiss tables.

Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Frank Lloyd, a Wapeton cyclist, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor wrists. The sulky Frank averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Walla Walla noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Riots near the marina left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and dictaphones littered the avenues that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the bitter rioters to arrest them.

"Citizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at T-shirts & Tights," Judge Chris Silva exclaimed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they need without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I need to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one criminal.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The 1% Income Tax will peacefully improve the metropolis treasury at a time when it's requested most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been heartily low, sometimes making Jasonia a city falling short of locals' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

Heated up over the news, a cranky spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking drummer.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A programmer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that programmer's sex. Therefore, men carefully implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more judiciously, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.