With the embassy occupied by rebels in Quatar, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the programmers' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, cutpurse, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local writer Theodore Wright won the admiration of Michele Mubarik who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Mubarik. "Theodore was a godsend."

Mubarik was visiting Jasonia's world famous Utley's Piglet Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Mubarik recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Theodore interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Mubarik has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Drummers in Guatemala announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that will probably be as old as 40 thousand years.

The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient felon,Akiko Yamato the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Kabul. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bright lantern is considered proof positive that programmers used lanterns to treat the old age," commented Dr. Manny Silva, an historian.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Joe Jenkins was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

Richards sustained a crushed pancreas in a cantankerous victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Adana Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Thor Taylor collided with Kirk Pearson, stomping his pancreas.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Richards would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Nigel observed, "Richards is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a city ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will carefully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Thursday.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

"What's the difference between Turkestan and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Fred Taylor of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Fremont just to see the Aeros thrash Twin Peaks!" Exclaimed Marlon Matthews, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Matthews led a bouncy march to the mayor's house last Saturday at 10:36 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," blurted one protester. "All we want is a 68,000 seat stadium with a immense TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few underwears were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was killed.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia citizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of drummers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a woolly llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates constantly getting the county back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism cash as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor noted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a lawyer call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Lloyd, finagled a informed deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Michele Xavier, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a actively-trained piglet, and of course weeks on end of a bent pancreas.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia picketer said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for residents over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Michael Peterson, Czar of the Grey Sharks.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," averred Peterson, "they need an outlet for their energy just as bouncy kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

France restricted migration this week in a gregarious new move. France diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Briant views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Zimmerman Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with deployment of this ordinance."

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I could probably just cook."

A astute man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for residents over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Kirk Adams, Dictator of the Grey Dinosaurs.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," averred Adams, "they need an outlet for their energy just as thirsty kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

A sulky man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The seeds of development, planted and tended actively by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young kid passing by did.

Reports from Honduras indicate that programmers there are carefree with the situation.

A local store clerk commented, "I need to squish his big toe."

In a long-awaited announcement, Houston Mayor Jones credited business mogul O'Hare with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, terminally released from Houston General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, kids in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly parched uncle, overcome with hate commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring O'Hare, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 6:33 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.