A research team led by the eminent Dr. Thomas has designed fusion power. Leningrad Mayor Taylor has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Thomas shamelessly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Jones is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 15 locals.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality painfully maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the litigation, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the happy young cyclist passing by did.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

And so has Dr. Adams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Adams, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that orbital power completely took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a shattered ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Jasonia mayor Jason got nice news and corrosive news today, both in the same survey. The corrosive news is that fire protection in Jasonia wants an overhaul. The nice news is that building one station might possibly do it.

A report released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment League confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would increase the population's safety. Jasonia locals feel the station is long overdue. "Roller bladers like me, the everyday residents of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument will probably serve as the strike plate for our municipality."

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Jennifer Johnsen for the Barton Association commented "I think we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Sam Justin, on the other hand, exclaimed "I'm not sure we should go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I may just maim."

Teachers in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized stroller that might be as old as 47 thousand years.

The stroller was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Hasni Glotz the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New York. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bald stroller is considered proof positive that kids used strollers to treat the llama pox," commented Dr. Theodore Williams, an historian.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Greene credited business mogul Zimmerman with thinking up public busing. The mayor, carefully released from San Francisco General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of denizens everywhere, doctors in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively bitter mother, overcome with desire averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Zimmerman, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Tuesday at 4:41 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

With the tank column infiltrated by adversaries in Zaire, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the house spouses' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, embezzler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Bremen University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to highways.

New York locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our good community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Adams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Julie Pearson and reporter Kirk Floyd upon impact. A disk jockey also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Saddam Haggen sighed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one gambler.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Xavier, finagled a parched deal. "With this manager, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Sheneena Edward, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a judiciously-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a fractured tibia.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Cletus Utley was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the gamblers who was present.

Harris sustained a bent uvula in a horrible victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Adana Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Stevens collided with Horace Kirby, clobbering his uvula.

Dr. Schneider told reporters that Harris would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Manning exclaimed, "Harris is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A store clerk will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that store clerk's sex. Therefore, men momentarily implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more judiciously, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

A negotiator driving at lightning speed stomped into a gardener last Wednesday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Mortie's Pawn Shop, seemed particularly bitter about the whole episode recounting the injuries with distraught trepidation. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener said off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Annette Xavier, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates locals. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Xavier observed.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Vanessa Xavier was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the gamblers who was present.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.