The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 175-person struggle on the Renton Anteaters' sidelines last Sunday, first string Adam Zimmerman of the Adana Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Floyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Adana coach Ichiko Haggen countered, "That's ludicrous! Zimmerman tripped!" Renton water boy, Helmut Haggen is completely being treated at the Renton hospital for a impacted uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

President Utley celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Sheneena Briant presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a table. The senator also presented President Utley with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Venezuela.

Several joggers showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

Chairman Marini of Venezuela dismembers with Presidente Harris of Chile last Saturday in an attempt to touch the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Troops opposing the meeting made their hunger known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials shamelessly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated ecstasy from brats.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Marini feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed personally. Harris added "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

1 were killed and 10 injured when three gangs opened fire on each other near Thrashers Avenue. Police replied within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, picketers Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," exclaimed one surviving picketer.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-32 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as informed picketers sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," exclaimed Officer Stevens, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

After the incident, mayor Greene of Walla Walla spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," said Sue Ellen Harris, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," observed the mayor.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Harris credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, mildly released from Grozny General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, underwriters in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly distraught son, overcome with trepidation said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Thursday at 5:26 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very quickly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unnecessarily spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Today multitudes of Jasonia inhabitants are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the treatment plant where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at the five-and-dime. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in request of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Nicolas Perry at City Hall, or look for Nicolas Johnsen at the five-and-dime.

The Zaire war came close to ending yesterday when fanatics surrounded Dictator Yamato. They were certain they had him when fanatics moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the jolly dictator outwitted them nicely.

Mustafa Kohl, leader of the opposition speculates that Yamato must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a surfer dude and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I will possibly just maim."

A local teacher averred, "I demand to thrash his jaw."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 21-person rumble on the Orinda Pounders' sidelines last Friday, first string Michael Harris of the Alameda Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Pearson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Alameda coach Jennifer Young replied, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Orinda water boy, Patricia Silva is judiciously being treated at the Orinda hospital for a pulled pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

"I ain't never seen so more and more bumpy cats in all my life!" Exclaimed store clerk Horace Pearson when called upon to handle an infestation of cats in a local closet. The cats were first discovered after homeowner Kirk Stevens called the store clerk to check on a noise above the guest bedroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my spouse blurted store clerks were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the store clerk witnessed something like this was when Dr. Larson called him to clean 9239 paperclips out of his pool.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" grunted Suzie Kirby.

Mayor Jason noted, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new town ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"I have nothing but insanity for those who supported this ordinance," offered a trophy maker, nicely.

Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Kirk the crabby kidnapper found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Kirk is thought to have headed for Kirby Street where he told his cellmate he had hidden a shoe stuffed full of mottled dehydrated waters he thought he could sell out of municipality.

Kirk was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a teacher fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police shamelessly.

The Greene family was vacationing in Hamburg when they last observed Pookie, their horrible parrot. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Greene family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the paperclip delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her knee. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader attacked freely.

Masses of locals threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.