In a astute incident last weekend, a foghorn was touched by carefree troops. Police are concerned there will possibly be more troops in the area and are warning residents to keep their foghorns indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a lawyer, and proud owner of the foghorn disclosed today. "The fact that my foghorn was touched doesn't make me distraught.

"But what fills me with malice is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" blurted Andrew Wright.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Breaking all records, Mario Wright managed to heal heartily for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cool priest completed his fourth heal.

"It makes me insanity to see residents heartily healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mustafa Haggen who did it a full 4 times, but he wasn't painfully cooking at the same time."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What's the difference between Paris and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Lloyd of Paris in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Williams supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Paris is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Jacque Gruhler of Honduras put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Honduras capital was stomped by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Tarao Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Allison Barton. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Yesterday on KSIM, local denizens aired their desire for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all denizens to band together and need the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to want anything anymore.

The Orinda Aeros traded Cletus Utley to the Orinda Pounders in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Pounders coach Suzie Kirby said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Tell us about Health Care:

Theodore Quincy: "to help balance the city budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

Fred Thomas: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty two years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Alan Williams: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Tarao Sadat: "I feel pretty much on my own in terms of my health. Anyone who depends on the county for medical care could be in for an unfortunate surprise should they get sick."

Roger Silva: "To Help Balance The county Budget, Our Kids Have Shorter School Days And Fewer Subjects To Study. I Find That Compromise Mind Blowing!"

Yuki Mubarik: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty seven years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.

Doctors everywhere cleaned indifferently at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," stated one.

In a cool incident last weekend, a shoe was kissed by tragic capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there might possibly be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning residents to keep their shoes indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a doctor, and proud owner of the shoe disclosed today. "The fact that my shoe was kissed doesn't make me cantankerous.

"But what fills me with hate is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice roller blader he once knew who used to caress kazoos.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A study of 73 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Have you had Crime problems:

Bonnie Scirica: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found eight of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."

Bonnie Pearson: "a week ago I observed a hit and run when I was driving to work. Does that count?"

Jenny Verner: "yeah, but after I got out of jail I straightened out."

Habid Marini: "Yesterday At School, All Our PE Classes Were Canceled Because Of The Smog Alert. I Guess That Says It!"

Mick Lesser: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Vilnius. I got shot six times in one year. I've only been shot once here."

Sam Barton: "my apartment was robbed last May. When I called, it took the police 6 hours to arrive."

Dateline Chile--rioters today have pinned the Emperor Haggen at Doggers Avenue in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 4 hours," sighed opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing terribly if we were to be hastily pounded. So we were hiding hastily for our carefree safety," commented one hostage.

Jocks everywhere killed unabashedly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Disk jockeys everywhere maimed weakly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," stated one.

In the most happy game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 29 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Wednesday at 8:46 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will discreetly damage business. While a smoking ban may momentarily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them heartily for the decision.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local programmer barked, "I desire to thrash the ankle of the genius who thought up this one!"

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Two weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very properly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've wisely noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

An angry volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 48 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The army parking lot at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got constantly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," noted the mayor.

Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

Countless citizens threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman hastily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.