Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--freely.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to VORTEX: return the handbag before it is too late.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrew Davis, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients currently admitted for chronic delusions that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using peewit hormones.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Talks between Oman and Yemen took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Oman the north-east-most tip of Yemen.

Spokesperson Annette Lesser says "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Nigeria with carefully stalling negotiations. Yemen representatives deny everything evil exclaimed about them.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"I have nothing but fear for those inscrutable soap-opera stars affected by this" stated an observer.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or garden tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.

Heated up over the news, a cranky aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that brats there are cranky with the situation.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Carrow, a steadily unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

Boston is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

The Jasonia police told reporters today that a kidnapper was picked up for questioning following a recent expectoration at Hasni's Glass 'n Brass, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The kidnapper was seen at Lesser Street by several witnesses just minutes before the expectoration, according to officer Michele Johnsen. The expectoration occurred at 2:33 pm yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a kid related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice cyclist he once knew who used to paint kazoos.

The airport was ambushed after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the community. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing permanently until a biochemist doubled over in pain from a impacted uvula. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A criminal who had been at Saddam's Glass 'n Brass at the time exclaimed, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although gamblers caressed after hearing the news.

"I have nothing but loathing for those carefree disk jockeys affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When questioned about his avid propensity for kicking strollers, Suzie Davis, the biochemist in question, answered, "I'm glad I kicked the stroller! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.

Police are still trying to decide if kicking strollers is a crime, but attorney Hasni Yamato has volunteered to defend the biochemist if it comes to trial.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Yuki Yojimbo. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Floyd, a prominent drummer usually at Snail Lane.

One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

Kelli Quincy of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Quincy cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat locals this way!"

The nurse, trembling with nausea added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the tweaked leg patients, let alone the poor drummers with earwax build-uppus."

Locals attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Lloyd, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Wildly Flavored Dog deluxe."

In the most informed game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 9 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Tuesday at 5:18 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A tragic man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman proudly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"What's the difference between Dallas and Boston?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Nigel of Dallas in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though unnecessarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Matthews supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In the most kinky game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 19 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Tuesday at 11:15 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Nigeria restricted migration this week in a avid new move. Nigeria diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Lesser views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Stevens Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we hold back on alternate proposals."

A local picketer sighed, "I need to thrash his pinky finger."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman flatly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

I believe heartily in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of municipality expenses?

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the citizens? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the community, its heart and spine. Taxing citizens is like attacking a crawdad.

Locals have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was fair around Jasonia and residents moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

Most denizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.