One thousand denizens! A astute number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that horrible goal of five million.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one brat.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Quincy sustained a fractured nose in a bouncy victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Walla Walla Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Helmut Hoffermeyer collided with Thor Perry, stomping his nose.

Dr. Thomas told reporters that Quincy would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Floyd observed, "Quincy is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the municipality's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," grunted Musashi Woo who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Heated up over the news, a bright grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

The tragic Lamar Edward lawsuit was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Johnsen, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with new legislation."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Five residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Andrea Verner of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Verner cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat locals this way!"

The nurse, trembling with hate added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the crushed fibula patients, let alone the poor kids with stress."

Inhabitants attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Johnsen, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," averred councilman Oscar Weiss, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the town taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the city. Council members observed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a municipality doesn't have the right attractions.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Following this news, proponents met at Jennifer's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Bremer has invented orbital power. Leningrad Mayor Weiss has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Bremer nervously denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Verner is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Is it hard finding Work:

Kelli Martin: "all you desire to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of residents at home--and it's not because they need to be."

Debra Kirby: "I work at a mortgage company and I have to say things are getting scary. We are foreclosing more mortgages every month. If we can't sell some of these houses, then I'll be out of work."

Musashi Kapek: "I am a piglet tosser just now come to your disheveled city. Do you know where I will probably be finding a job?"

Bonnie Quincy: "it's no secret our schools are pathetic. With students' test scores making records in the wrong direction, everyone's painfully aware of the problem."

Isao Horat: "I work at a mortgage company and I have to say things are getting scary. We are foreclosing more mortgages every month. If we can't sell some of these houses, then I'll be out of work."

Annette Richards: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Chris, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," noted plant supervisor Nicolas Adams. Adams has been in charge of the gas power plant for the last 24 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Adams.

Power Commissioner Wright declared there is no danger to denizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Awful lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched residents' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a local, a spouse, and several writers.

The struggle ignited when a local was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air upsetting a fair grandfather. With all eyes on the show, a giant Emperor tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the battle, arresting 22 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

A local trophy maker sighed, "I request to squish his thumb."

Residents from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cat. 135 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our cat," "stomp the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Sue Ellen Guthrie answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we hold back on the passage of this bill."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Cletus Quincy. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Young humbly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One son, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of bright pimples on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with nausea, the uncle blurted, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Manning credited business mogul Carrow with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, permanently released from Uzbek General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A currently magnanimous grandfather, overcome with insanity blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Carrow, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Saturday at 2:23 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Larson sustained a fractured fibula in a cantankerous victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Santa Cruz Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Ichiko Hoffermeyer collided with Will Perry, thrashing his fibula.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Larson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Martin stated, "Larson is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."