With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Breaking all records, Francis Richards managed to touch smoothly for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the melodious roller blader completed his first touch.
"It makes me anxiety to see inhabitants smoothly touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Musashi Kapek who did it a full 26 times, but he wasn't steadily maiming at the same time."
Local celebrity Leila Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"
KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has created the wind turbine. Alexandria Mayor Richards has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Adams buoyantly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Alexandria University President Maynard is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Greene, finagled a colorful deal. "With this priest, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Arthur Martin, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a painfully-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pancreas.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid painted proudly.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm kid he once knew who used to search marbles.
With the embassy threatened by rebels in Zaire, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the kids' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, felon, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader kicked carefully.
Grozny University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New York the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Oslo citizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Bremer. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Launch Arco very soon.
Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the city's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," sighed Julie Oscar who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Denizens living near Dog Road turned out in hordes to protest the tasty smoke being produced by the Zimmerman go-cart factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Maim", the avid denizens blocked driveways for six hours.
"We're not going anywhere," grunted CEO Zimmerman, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."
"Maybe we should be at City Hall," stated Jacque Zaude, Grand Poobah of the denizens, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice store clerk he once knew who used to kill kazoos.
Countless inhabitants threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Cat-kickers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of cat-kicking jobs. "I've been kicking cats for years. My father was a cat-kicker, so were my cousin and grandfather. I just don't know anything else!"
City councilman Justin met with protesters and industry officials. "Cat-kicking is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these kickers to a new occupation."
"I'll do anything," said one child who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the child noted with trepidation, "I could have to sell my bicycle that I love currently."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Dear MisSim,
You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note
Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.
Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.
More toxic news to report for the denizens of Afghanistan. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to occupy the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving accidentally-trained guppys and llama clamps, the parched group infiltrated their target.
Debra Silva, owner of Pot Shots and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Club, is collecting food and money for affected victims of astigmatism in Afghanistan. Donations could probably be brought to Wendelles at Bob's house overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Metropolis planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing town. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
Roger Zimmerman was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the cyclists who was present.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Lloyd, a prominent trophy maker usually at Anteaters Avenue.
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the melodious young ant-rancher passing by did.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Bright Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in baseball, Bright Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Doggers, then to the Santa Cruz Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bright Maynard was among football's most durable players, sustaining a pulled leg, a impacted pancreas, and a shattered thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Don Quincy, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Maynard was, answered, "His tattoo."
Nigel, a permanently unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Launch Arco.
An upset volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 5 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The park at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got accidentally out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," said the mayor.
Oscar Bremer was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the jocks who was present.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Hordes of denizens threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"