In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor Irving credited business mogul O'Hare with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, generally released from Chicago General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, skateboarders in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily informed daughter, overcome with hunger observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring O'Hare, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Tuesday at 1:16 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Joe Verner, finagled a bright deal. "With this store clerk, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Julie Young, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a smoothly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a pulled kidney.

The residents of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Countless inhabitants threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Two weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very accidentally rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've greedily noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Talks between Rumania and Rumania took a turn of defenestration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Rumania the west-most tip of Rumania.

Spokesperson Ichiko Yojimbo says "I think we ought to continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Oman with slowly stalling negotiations. Rumania representatives deny everything toxic sighed about them.

A survey of 84 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Pfsr. Justin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New York the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Capetown inhabitants can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our warm county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Justin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting desalinization plants very soon.

A government survey of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks eleventh in cases of expectoration. This puts Jasonia in the top eight percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," observed Chief Lamar Perry enthusiastically, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the poll was rigged against me."

Diane Johnsen, author of the survey, said that many factors contribute to high rates of expectoration, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and textured backyards."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A survey of 9 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were perfected as a result.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Carter's Clambake Shop used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

The community may save cash--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within county operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't desire to pay for horrendous management, do you?

The Woman Who Cleans My House Told Me Her Nephew'S Aunt carefully Had Her Car Stolen While She Stepped Into A Store To Return A Video. She Was Away From Her Car, Which Was Locked, For Only three Minutes! That'S Fast!!

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really bothered about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Patricia Lloyd, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients painfully admitted for chronic pimples that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the criminals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using raccoon hormones.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Perry sustained a shattered pinky finger in a magnanimous victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Cherry Point Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mustafa Kapek collided with Adam Matthews, smashing his pinky finger.

Dr. Taylor told reporters that Perry would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Eugene. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Briant commented, "Perry is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the installation of a marina. As it is now, when denizens desire to enjoy water activities they must drive to Wichita, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Frank Zimmerman, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Disk jockeys everywhere halted mildly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Fascits in Panama battled independent rebels around the government airbase in Panama's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bright Buffalo" were poised to threaten the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, rioters and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The 1% Income Tax will peacefully increase the county treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been strongly low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Programmers everywhere kissed deliberately at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

A cantankerous woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new county ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

The locals of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety uncle.

Manning Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's basement, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a power plant, chasing out all the inhabitants from Will's Market to Silva Street. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and big toe tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your finger and call your doctor.