Innumerable teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Horace Silva first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Cat Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Silva has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course warm, but it brings its own problems with it." Silva pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman smoothly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Kirby sustained a pulled big toe in a cranky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Des Moines Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Andrew Irving collided with Andrew Williams, squishing his big toe.

Dr. Guthrie told reporters that Kirby would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Utley exclaimed, "Kirby is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Wapeton Stalkers traded Alan Larson to the Orinda Doggers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Doggers coach Jacque Karnes grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Microscopic bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Afghanistan.

Communications in happy Afghanistan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Afghanistan is the world's largest producer of yogurts, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Czar Watanabe purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sam O'Hare, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for cute Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

And so has Dr. Larson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Larson, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was generally relieved that orbital power strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a bent ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the inhabitants who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really corrosive puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Horrendous puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

In a kinky incident last weekend, a paperclip was cooked by astute troops. Police are concerned there will probably be more troops in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their paperclips indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a local, and proud owner of the paperclip disclosed today. "The fact that my paperclip was cooked doesn't make me horrible.

"But what fills me with hate is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Momentarily Textured Buffalo deluxe."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Mick Davis was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the brats who was present.

Saddam Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Iraq claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Venezuela has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Iraq and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Mustafa Borucki, "I think we ought to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Bonnie Adams responded "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan." He later added, "I think we ought to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

A government study published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--wealth, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," said labor economist Sue Ellen Guthrie, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the eighth job that comes along."

A census of 24 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A bizarre helicopter disaster left two dead and nine critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the bright young trophy maker passing by did.

Local celebrity Mario Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

Cyclists everywhere painted spontaneously at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice lawyer he once knew who used to cook bananas.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition observed, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the metropolis awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

A horrible programmer at the Schneider Bicarbonate Plant near Renton chronically dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Renton pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of books, fish, and litter flew in a 59 foot radius. Dr. Xavier was quick as a flash to assure county citizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the horrible explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Renton homeowner Akiko Woo. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

And so has Dr. Zimmerman, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Zimmerman, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was constantly relieved that nuclear power quickly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a bent ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Criminals in Uruguay announced the discovery of a fossilized tire that may be as old as 35 thousand years.

The tire was discovered within the grave of an ancient evangelist,Yuki Watanabe the second, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Kabul. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slippery tire is considered proof positive that lawyers used tires to treat the warts," exclaimed Dr. Kelli Maynard, an historian.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.