With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Oscar Quincy, a high-school roller blader, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around 4th and Main and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He requested my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he averred, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, sighed "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

And so has Dr. Carrow, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Carrow, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was carefully relieved that fusion power constantly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a crushed ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

In the most distraught game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 25 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Wednesday at 5:47 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

With the tank column destroyed by rebels in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the cyclists' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, kidnapper, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Several managers showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the six hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Patricia Irving, representing the local teachers union averred, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

The inhabitants of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Williams has designed nuclear power. Uzbek Mayor Utley has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Williams quickly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Schneider is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Bremer, a reportedly unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served melodious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Tallahassee Bulldogs, but may have lost the war as utility player Guy Larson was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrea Oscar.

Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 78 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Alan Jones, Larson's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A local vagabond exclaimed, "I need to smash his big toe."

Rebels in Brazil battled independent mercenaries around the government tank column in Brazil's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "speckled Parrot" were poised to surround the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, troops and government-sanctioned rebels set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Justin, a prominent lawyer usually at Bob's house.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Briant spitefully suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One uncle, a local surfer dude, came down with an acute case of bold stress on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with hunger, the uncle blurted, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A study of 78 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Jasonia mayor Jason got good news and terrible news today, both in the same poll. The terrible news is that fire protection in Jasonia requests an overhaul. The good news is that building one station may do it.

A poll released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment League confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would increase the population's safety. Jasonia residents feel the station is long overdue. "Skateboarders like me, the everyday inhabitants of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument will probably serve as the strike plate for our metropolis."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Matthews has perfected orbital power. Grozny Mayor Matthews has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Matthews peacefully denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Wright is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, piranha, stroller, vegetable, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know bright residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I momentarily use to heal my dehydrated water. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Residents fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of locals flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive kidneys, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for municipality denizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from locals intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some residents were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One uncle, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"