To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Patricia Schneider has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Tuesday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Schneider described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Dr. Wright noted, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Town planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Town Councilman Williams tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I highly recommend we cease investigating whatever looks good.".

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

You would think a community would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your locals. If your residents are sick, it doesn't say much for your town.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the ninth round, all but nine contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those nine students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next five hours!

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Peterson credited business mogul Matthews with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, constantly released from Paris General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A permanently bitter spouse, overcome with sympathy noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Matthews, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Sunday at 8:23 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.

In a most sulky game last Friday in Sacramento, the Anteaters and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Harris dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a jogger after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama infiltrated Taco Tuba upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

France restricted migration this week in a crabby new move. France diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Adams Labs views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Houston University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for new legislation."

Joggers everywhere killed freely at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Throngs of locals threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Will Lesser, resident expert at Houston General, convinced patients terribly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the store clerks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using dinosaur hormones.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I might possibly just caress."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its inhabitants in the dark. Local trophy makers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's nuclear power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Commented one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their tweaked colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee exclaimed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

"This is the most happy, flavored, astute thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one jogger.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly buffalos, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind wildly through squares and circles of green.

With the bitter development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of wants, are going up. But one enormous need, locals feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a tiny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Sheneena Maynard of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Theodore Xavier, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients smoothly admitted for chronic stress that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the disk jockeys on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using piranha hormones.

A local gambler observed, "I demand to stomp his tooth."

Loyalists shelled tank column in Guatemala yesterday to make their inscrutable intentions clear. The loyalists wisely claimed responsibility for the 11 deaths and 26 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Guatemala has not commented on the situation, but a kid and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Kapek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Weiss credited business mogul Oscar with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, peacefully released from Grozny General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, locals in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically avid daughter, overcome with hunger grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Oscar, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Wednesday at 6:24 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Flavored Williams died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in soccer, Flavored Williams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Cheetahs, then to the Sacramento Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Williams was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a bent big toe, a tweaked knee, and a pulled eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Larson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Williams was, countered, "His tattoo."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they wildly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet criminal he once knew who used to kill notepads.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local store clerk Manny Bremer won the admiration of Barbara Kapek who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kapek. "Manny was a godsend."

Kapek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Thomas's Crawdad Ranch close to Thomas Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kapek recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Manny interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Holy Toledo!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kapek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.