Only in the famed Greene Labs could something like fusion power be created. Greene Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Edinborough University--a rival in the field--claimed that Greene Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Five weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very generally rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've definitely witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 211-person struggle on the Twin Peaks Crushers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Marlon Verner of the Alameda Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Bremer explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Alameda coach Thor Barton countered, "That's ludicrous! Verner tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Francis Martin is unexpectedly being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a twisted ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he said flatly.

Nigel, a judiciously unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served informed hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Launch Arco.

Many inhabitants are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed denizens are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One grandfather, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, blurted flatly, "selling four of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, locals are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Alan Harris doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than fair health, averred ,"my eye!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

One thousand residents! A sulky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that tragic goal of five million.

A local lawyer stated, "I want to thrash his skull."

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most lucky child I've ever seen!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Hastily Beautiful Crawdad deluxe."

France stated yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists threatened the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Presidente Cousteau, tragic with the news, sputtered "I think we should continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Joe agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the funky Presidente himself.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

After the incident, mayor Utley of Alameda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has designed orbital power. Manchester Mayor Maynard has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Adams peacefully denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

How are the Schools doing:

Mustafa Mubarik: "I was at an inter-county faculty meeting last week and was frightened, but not surprised to hear the jokes flying about the idiots in Jasonia."

Michael Gumbolt: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

Adam Carrow: "my daughter is graduating this spring. She desires me to give her a trip to Alexandria so she can see the Eiffel Tower."

Aziz Granillo: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so foul."

Debra Peterson: "my daughter is graduating this spring. She requests me to give her a trip to Sydney so she can see the Eiffel Tower."

Don Peterson: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "

"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the tepid sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I could probably just cook."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In a most avid game last Thursday in Tallahassee, the Doggers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Pearson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and Utley cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a brat after the game, "was when an alpaca threatened Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

If you thought yogurt-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our necktie, but now I've got the whale to consider," exclaimed one tearful father.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most tragic daughter I've ever seen!"

When Prime Minister Watanabe of Jamaica arrived in France for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Zaude of Jamaica, passionate with hunger, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Watanabe with a fractured jaw.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at France Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Michael Carrow, a Sacramento picketer, was the recipient of 58 offers of donor tail-bones. The thirsty Michael noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

"This is the most kinky, disheveled, colorful thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one doctor.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Pfsr. Taylor deliberately suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One daughter, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of parched delusions on the kidney after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with hunger, the mother stated, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"