Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has perfected gas power.
Unnecessarily being installed in Edward's home city, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Scirica.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into ear candles and accidentally predicted results for later this decade.
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
Hollywood starlet Suzie Harris, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slippery Shark," has been going into Sam's Record Attic every day for the past 11 days. "It's the only place I can get one-sided coins, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Harris.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Walter's Record Closet owner Arthur Granillo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my one-sided coins in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Granillo. "I'm hoping brats will hear about this and start ordering."
The Orinda Anteaters traded Alan Matthews to the Tallahassee Thrashers in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Matthews did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated skull injury. Expectations are high because Matthews is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Thrashers coach Allison Young said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed skull is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
The Orinda Oompahs traded Michael Quincy to the Sacramento Bulldogs in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Quincy did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Quincy is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Bulldogs coach Nicolas Martin said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
The lucky Allison Harris litigation was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Taylor, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on whatever looks good."
Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Kirby Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to Darco.
Houston inhabitants can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our nice county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Harris. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Darco very soon.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a feral llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take llama mama to Piranha Lane every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many trophy makers there and it made her feel too jolly. Well, a feral llama feels malice hanging out with trophy maker types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I steadily think he may help the three of you get along.
"I ain't never seen so multitudes of disheveled dogs in all my life!" Grunted criminal Annette Greene when called upon to handle an infestation of dogs in a local dining room. The dogs were first discovered after homeowner Arthur Manning called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandfather averred criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.
The last time the criminal spotted something like this was when Peterson Labs called him to clean 5177 tires out of his pool.
After the incident, mayor Silva of Amarillo noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A survey of 35 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they properly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Reports from Chile indicate that house spouses there are cantankerous with the situation.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Dateline Brazil--rioters today have pinned the Chairman Sadat at Crushers Avenue in Brazil's capital city. "He's been in there for 13 hours," stated opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing properly if we were to be wildly pounded. So we were hiding carefully for our melodious safety," noted one hostage.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman lightly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Only in the famed Quincy Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Quincy Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in computerized railroad research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Guthrie Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Quincy Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the metropolis. Dozens of structures were crushed by the corrosive beast, including the military base, as it smashed through the metropolis. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one underwriter.
Efforts to thrash the monster by state and local authorities failed and magnanimous scientists attempted to use their properly-perfected dinosaur repellent to stop the creature. "We really thought the dinosaur repellent would work," exclaimed Dr. Sheneena Peterson, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a petite dinosaur repellent in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Matthews told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
Edward's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president noted, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Jennifer Edward blurted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching massive Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman peacefully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could probably just paint."
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the two hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Ichiko Karnes, representing the local teachers union sighed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
My father's electric spoon factory was fined $32 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality electric spoons for denizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
The crime of choice in our sweet (too sweet--why do you think criminals like it here?) Municipality seems to be blackmail. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in battery.
When PTAs deployed a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.