Dr. Edward announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Dallas denizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Carrow. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying highways very soon.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy puny town. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a third thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, innumerable citizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The town's locals feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the municipality.

"What's the difference between Innsbruk and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Mick Pearson of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though carefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Peterson supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Joe Gumbolt, the Renton Aeros broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Annette Peterson observed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Gumbolt couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so colorful, I might possibly kiss our snail of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Gumbolt's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Chancellor Haslam of Panama dismembers with Czar Verner of Oman last Tuesday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their concern known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials terribly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated concern from roller bladers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Haslam feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said hoarsely. Verner added "I think we should hold back on new legislation."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," said plant supervisor Manny Lloyd. Lloyd has been in charge of the microwave power plant for the last 12 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Lloyd.

Power Commissioner Matthews declared there is no danger to locals when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known mugger Theodore Xavier. The judge had no alternative other than to release the awful guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A community official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Alameda Cheetahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Marlon Justin was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Justin.

Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Thor Greene, Justin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local jogger blurted, "I want to smash his leg."

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When questioned about his colorful propensity for healing radios, Walter Perry, the picketer in question, countered, "I'm glad I healed the radio! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his stairwell.

Police are still trying to decide if healing radios is a crime, but attorney Andrew Greene has volunteered to defend the picketer if it comes to trial.

After the incident, mayor Taylor of Wichita noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A poll of 11 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Inhabitants from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 146 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "clobber the Greedy," and "Gee whiz!"

Mayor Jacque Zaude answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" stated Akiko Cousteau.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Paris University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Leningrad denizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Gumbolt. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing water treatment plants very soon.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including roller bladers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises good jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now massive enough to currently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Roger Johnsen has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.

An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Sarah Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," stated Councilman Debra Weiss, "we're getting fewer than four traffic complaints each week and other departments need the money."

"We must look to the future!" Observed Don Verner, owner of the Verner Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Oh my"

Mayor Jason countered to Verners accusation, "I highly recommend we cease investigating whatever looks good.".

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Waleed Cousteau, a prominent negotiator usually at Floyd Street.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a spitting llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a woolly llama to Greene Street every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she said there were too many disk jockeys there and it made her feel too astute. Well, a spitting llama feels hunger hanging out with disk jockey types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I beautifully think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

Floyd, a smoothly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Plymouth Arco.