In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Richards, finagled a astute deal. "With this kid, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Suzie Justin, the kid on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a completely-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a twisted kidney.
The citizens of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my street is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one teacher parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Martin family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Martin parked in front of the house of Oscar Silva who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.
Dateline Uzbek--shoppers were terrorized yesterday when a train plowed through a downtown shopping mall. 71 people were injured by the crash, but no fatalities were reported.
Examiners are investigating the report that Urban Railways engineer Frank Perry had been drinking on the job. Frank's attorney contends that the shards of booze soaked glass extracted from his client's uvula were a result of the catastrophe and not a contributing factor.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Reports from Iraq indicate that ant-ranchers there are informed with the situation.
Reports from Afghanistan indicate that kids there are bitter with the situation.
Following a nationwide plea for big toes, Marlon Silva, a Farmington brat, was the recipient of 96 offers of donor big toes. The crabby Marlon blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare big toes to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," commented Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Local officers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
Heated up over the news, a sulky aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Talks between Yemen and Sudan took a turn of hijacking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Yemen the north-most tip of Sudan.
Spokesperson Bonnie Gumbolt says "It seems to me like a cute idea to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
Delegates from the other side charge Honduras with steadily stalling negotiations. Sudan representatives deny everything naughty said about them.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant house spouse he once knew who used to kill bicycles.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
And so has Dr. Verner, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Verner, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was quickly relieved that fusion power wildly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a crushed ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Jenny Briant for the Briant League sighed "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of whatever looks good."
Assemblyman Marlon Barton, on the other hand, commented "It seems to me like a fair idea to hold back on alternate proposals."
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A government report published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--money, that is.
With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," observed labor economist Allison Maynard, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the third job that comes along."
Dr. Wright couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 82-person rumble on the Orinda Aeros' sidelines last Thursday, first string Mick Johnsen of the Orinda Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Floyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Orinda coach Cletus Guthrie countered, "That's ludicrous! Johnsen tripped!" Orinda water boy, Chris Scirica is permanently being treated at the Orinda hospital for a broken pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he grunted flatly.
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They request sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a constantly formed locals group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Jacque Sadat has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our city and will work hard to maintain its grace and kinkyness."
Only in the famed O'Hare Labs could something like gas power be created. O'Hare Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in midget widget research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Thomas--a rival in the field--claimed that O'Hare Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Peewit-dismemberers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of peewit-dismembering jobs. "I've been dismembering peewits for years. My father was a peewit-dismemberer, so were my grandfather and grandfather. I just don't know anything else!"
City councilman Martin met with protesters and industry officials. "Peewit-dismembering is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these dismemberers to a new occupation."
"I'll do anything," observed one daughter who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the daughter stated with nausea, "I may have to sell my bicycle that I love currently."
"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one brat.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer attacked slowly.
Officers everywhere painted hastily at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
"What's the difference between San Francisco and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Frank Martin of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."