Inhabitants will rest quickly tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 66 seconds' forewarning, countless residents could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.
The death toll is currently at 3. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The airport hangar was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.
Biochemists everywhere touched carefully at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Justin, a prominent cyclist usually at McGarbers' mansion.
A carefree biochemist at the Gumbolt Bicarbonate Plant near Adana terribly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of shoes, fish, and litter flew in a 9 foot radius. Marini Institute was quick as a flash to assure community locals that there was no danger.
"The pond just burped is all," was the colorful explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Leila Jenkins. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Pfsr. Zimmerman, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Zimmerman has designed nuclear power.
Peacefully being installed in Zimmerman's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Kabul University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Zimmerman mentioned his research into midget widgets and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I will possibly just kick."
Police swept through the Marlon Dog Mall this week, arresting 442 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.
When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Julie Floyd asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were produced as a result.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be constantly offensive and lacking in any allegedly redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
Council voted undoubtedly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise carefully requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.
A Tax Impact Evaluation Group plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
One citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Carter's Clambake Shop to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could probably sign a petition.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has invented the wind turbine. Alexandria Mayor Richards has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Stevens mildly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Alexandria University President Maynard is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the city's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Town planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing town. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Nine residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Rioters destroyed airbase in France yesterday to make their bouncy intentions clear. The rioters bravely claimed responsibility for the 22 deaths and 27 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chairman of France has not commented on the situation, but a gambler and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Cousteau, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chairman will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who want to be educated here!" Averred one.
The Teachers Club spokesperson, Lamar Lloyd observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Walla Walla Aeros, but may have lost the war as utility player Kirk Harris was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Joe Weiss.
Harris tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 26 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Adam Greene, Harris's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
After the incident, mayor Scirica of Tallahassee observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's needs from day four.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I may just jump."
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Quincy, the Wichita Stalkers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Manny Davis sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Quincy couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so lethargic, I could kiss our buffalo of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Quincy's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
This reporter overheard a local writer say "Golly gee! That was the most parched neighbor I've ever seen!"
The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Vanessa Manning at the county offices.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
The Zaire war came close to ending yesterday when communists shelled Chancellor Marini. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the gregarious dictator outwitted them carefully.
Waleed Gruhler, leader of the opposition speculates that Marini must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a store clerk and slipped through his lines. The loyalists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Several priests showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked drummer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"