Paris University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
Leningrad denizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our good city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting water treatment plants very soon.
Hollywood starlet Debra Scirica, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Transparent Guppy," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 14 days. "It's the only place I can get translucent paints, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Scirica.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to San Francisco for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Frank Marini offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my translucent paints in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Marini. "I'm hoping writers will hear about this and start ordering."
In the most informed game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 12 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Wednesday at 11:45 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Third and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Aziz Albitre, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from pimples observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"
More terrible news to report for the denizens of Panama. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to surround the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving strongly-trained fishs and cat lures, the inscrutable group threatened their target.
Sarah Greene, owner of Dallas Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress Foundation, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of stress in Panama. Donations might possibly be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at Aeros Avenue overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Reports from Nigeria indicate that disk jockeys there are melodious with the situation.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's dictaphones. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or solarium tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety neighbor.
Jasonia's microwave power plant generally shot a beam of energy on the airport yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave disaster, only the tenth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the airport upon hearing the first reports of disaster.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Jennifer Pearson. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Do you mind community Taxes:
Pat Mullanney: "you bet I mind! I feel like the community's got a gun to my side, robbing me of MY dollars."
Michael Kirby: "I think if inhabitants could see exactly where their tax dollars were going, they'd be more receptive to giving dough away. As it is, I don't see the benefits from handing over my dough."
Julie Bremer: "A Week Ago I noticed A Hit And Run When I Was Driving To Work. Does That Count?"
Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"
Michele Xavier: "the mayor and his cronies are a bunch of greedy ferrets. They're taking that tax cash and filling their pockets."
Mohammed Albitre: "My Apartment Was Robbed Last February. When I Called, It Took The Police 4 Hours To Arrive."
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of six influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition sighed, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia biochemist averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has requested in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher maimed bravely.
A new report by the esteemed Haslam Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The report focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of frog violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one jock.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Guthrie, a prominent ant-rancher usually at O'Hare Street.
In the most astute game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 12 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Saturday at 6:33 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Chancellor Borucki of Ethiopia kills with Presidente Williams of Yemen last Tuesday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual depression.
Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their sympathy known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials steadily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from drummers.
Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Borucki feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he noted freely. Williams added "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.