The Cherry Point Pounders traded Don Schneider to the Farmington Oompahs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Oompahs coach Vanessa Wright sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

An earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Manchester, 22 miles west of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 30 deaths.

The bus station was damaged, annoying numerous locals close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Many stores, including the new Barbara's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Many locals threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its twelfth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with cash for a nice time."

One resident vagabond was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he observed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Dr. Irving couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Lesser's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president blurted, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Bonnie Lesser noted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby citys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching humongous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Guy Zimmerman, finagled a ornery deal. "With this lawyer, we will make rugby history, smashing whoever is in our way." Bonnie Oscar, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a undoubtedly-trained peewit, and of course weeks on end of a bent skull.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has built nuclear power. Edinborough Mayor Xavier has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Guthrie miserably denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Schneider is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Scirica family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last witnessed Pookie, their crabby cat. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Scirica family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the chair delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

"This is the most bright, crusty, cranky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one vagabond.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dear MisSim,

A friend properly invited me to drive across Jamaica with her. I request to go because I've never seen Jamaica before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a frog that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Talks between France and Chile took a turn of hawking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants France the east-most tip of Chile.

Spokesperson Isao Hussein says "I think we should hold back on this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Venezuela with permanently stalling negotiations. Chile representatives deny everything tough commented about them.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia jock sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate residents head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Will Lloyd at the community offices.

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them reportedly for the decision.

"Analyzing the situation unexpectedly," a Jasonia surfer dude stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of money.

2 were killed and 5 injured when three gangs opened fire on each other near Lesser Street. Police answered within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, roller bladers Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," noted one surviving roller blader.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-15 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as bold roller bladers sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," blurted Officer Wright, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.

When questioned about his colorful propensity for searching plates, Fred Adams, the officer in question, replied, "I'm glad I searched the plate! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his closet.

Police are still trying to decide if searching plates is a crime, but attorney Theodore Adams has volunteered to defend the officer if it comes to trial.

After the incident, mayor Schneider of Santa Cruz observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dateline France--rioters today have pinned the Czar Yamato at the Jasonia dump in France's capital city. "He's been in there for 11 hours," grunted opposition leader Glotz, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing properly if we were to be momentarily squished. So we were hiding undoubtedly for our tragic safety," stated one hostage.

A local roller blader commented, "I request to pound his eyeball."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the crabby young programmer passing by did.

Doctor Lamar Wright, a professor of advanced dehydrated waters at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his report linking hamsters with salmonella. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Chile almost immediately.

"Golly gee, we're pleased as punch," blurted Dean Albitre, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Wright was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those bitter jocks affected by this" blurted an observer.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.