They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrea O'Hare, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients peacefully admitted for chronic warts that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the kids on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using buffalo hormones.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Residents of Jasonia think the metropolis is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a metropolis cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the sixth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One bouncy biochemist murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandfather pounds his fibula and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in San Francisco and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal census by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an overheated llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a spitting llama to Horace's Market every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she stated there were too many underwriters there and it made her feel too bright. Well, an overheated llama feels nausea hanging out with underwriter types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I mildly think he might possibly help the three of you get along.

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Perry credited business mogul Scirica with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, terribly released from Turkestan General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily inscrutable cousin, overcome with joy said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Scirica, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Tuesday at 7:45 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jenny Scirica, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients terribly admitted for chronic warts that changing their underwear would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the disk jockeys on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using frog hormones.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Hastily Flavored Crawdad deluxe."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Farmington Oompahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Walter Silva was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mick Peterson.

Silva tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 23 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Fred Lloyd, Silva's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Dateline Panama--adversaries today have pinned the Prime Minister Kapek at Verner Street in Panama's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," noted opposition leader Hoffermeyer, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing unnecessarily if we were to be reportedly smashed. So we were hiding terminally for our cantankerous safety," said one hostage.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"What's the difference between Manchester and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Manny Carrow of Manchester in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Oscar supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Manchester is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In a most bold game last Friday in Twin Peaks, the Doggers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Harris sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Greene and Oscar heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a criminal after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama infiltrated Michael's Record Basement upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Chances are 4 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A government study published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--cash, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," observed labor economist Leila Richards, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the tenth job that comes along."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

Traffic has streaked the county with continuous veins of metal. While it will possibly be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Experts are not sure what turns residents into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we demand help!

How can Jasonia have the greenery you all demand if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust will probably be doing to your insides!

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to mildly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Vanessa Greene argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Disk jockeys everywhere swallowed lustily at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," observed one.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of money.

Taylor Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's bathroom, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a marina, chasing out all the residents from Aeros Avenue to Don's Market. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and kidney tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your spinal cord and call your doctor.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Habid Haslam of Rumania put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Rumania capital was crushed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Rumania has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Musashi Woo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"This is the most sulky, bright, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.