With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Bremer pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my father and I used to pretend we were cows and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my tibia falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Barton, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public malice is understandable," the town planner exclaimed, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Vagabonds in Mongolia announced the discovery of a fossilized underwear that will possibly be as old as 34 thousand years.

The underwear was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Ingmar Zaude the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Capetown. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slimy underwear is considered proof positive that programmers used underwears to treat the insomnia," said Dr. Julie Jenkins, an historian.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Chris the inscrutable murderer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Chris is thought to have headed for the five-and-dime where he told his cellmate he had hidden a kazoo stuffed full of bumpy computerized railroads he thought he could sell out of city.

Chris was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a criminal fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police beautifully.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one priest.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," stated Mayor Jason who has observed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking teacher.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bold motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Pfsr. Larson, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Larson has produced the wind turbine.

Permanently being installed in Larson's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Adams.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Larson mentioned his research into light cubes and painfully predicted results for later this decade.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Lamar Bright Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Bright Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Oompahs, then to the Buttonwillow Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Perry was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a pulled pinky finger, a fractured elbow, and a strained thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Wright, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Perry was, countered, "His tattoo."

Dateline Oslo--21 locals lost their lives last Thursday when the Edward Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted Oslo with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded inhabitants and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young brat passing by did.

Musashi Marini was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the gamblers who was present.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Marlon Stevens, the Sacramento Aeros broke a 13 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Anwar Kohl commented, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Stevens couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so ornery, I might kiss our snail of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Stevens's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Hollywood starlet Michele Stevens, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slippery Snake," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 12 days. "It's the only place I can get one-sided coins, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Stevens.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Grozny for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Will Rubichek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my one-sided coins in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Rubichek. "I'm hoping teachers will hear about this and start ordering."

With the airbase destroyed by fascits in France, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the negotiators' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, embezzler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I could just swallow."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Diane Carrow, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic old age that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the teachers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using raccoon hormones.

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.

Loyalists destroyed capitol in Libya yesterday to make their carefree intentions clear. The loyalists spontaneously claimed responsibility for the 11 deaths and 14 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Libya has not commented on the situation, but a criminal and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Borucki, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

This reporter overheard a local vagabond say "Holy Toledo! That was the most lucky grandmother I've ever seen!"

Jasonia mayor Jason got nice news and naughty news today, both in the same report. The naughty news is that fire protection in Jasonia needs an overhaul. The nice news is that building one station will possibly do it.

A study released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Lobby confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would improve the population's safety. Jasonia residents feel the station is long overdue. "Lawyers like me, the everyday denizens of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could probably serve as the strike plate for our municipality."