Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Zimmerman announced his stance on the latest issue: skateboarders with old age living in parked cars.
Councilman Thomas, always outspoken, commented "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for whatever looks good." Councilman Perry, as usual, replied "It has been proposed that we actively pursue alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Helmut Horat of Guatemala put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Guatemala capital was crushed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Kenya has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Aziz Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.
This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most carefree daughter I've ever seen!"
Power can be a sweet thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 3:26 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," undoubtedly blasting a ray of microwaves on the Plymouth Arco. The Plymouth Arco blew to smithereens, with pieces peacefully flying as far away as Farmington.
The tragedy is the ninth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," grunted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire community will have to be evacuated."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Debra Harris, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients actively admitted for chronic pimples that changing their book would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using buffalo hormones.
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing terminally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Local celebrity Jenny Jenkins was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"
The locals of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Guy Zimmerman was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the priests who was present.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good disk jockey he once knew who used to attack chairs.
Pfsr. Greene, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Greene has created orbital power.
Smoothly being installed in Greene's home county, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Oscar.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Greene mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and mildly predicted results for later this decade.
When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the textured sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" averred Suzie Jenkins.
After the incident, mayor Adams of Dullsville witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" said Sarah Scirica.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Taylor Labs wistfully suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One grandmother, a local underwriter, came down with an acute case of gregarious warts on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.
Filled with hunger, the son stated, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Llama watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild crusty llama. "It's hard to find crusty llama anymore," noted Mao Nigel head of the Nice Llama Committee, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Nigel went on to point out the natural range of the crusty llama has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining llamas are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I may just attack."
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be permanently offensive and lacking in any heartily redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
Why are inhabitants complaining about poor education? Who requests to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really pleasant wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.
What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?
When PTAs installed a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
In the most horrible game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 20 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Wednesday at 8:16 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," said Mayor Jason who has stated before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Local managers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them allegedly for the decision.
In the most bouncy game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 1 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Thursday at 7:44 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
And so has Dr. Utley, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Utley, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that orbital power strongly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a peewit with a shattered ego" the witty man stated.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."