A commercial jet carrying droves of inhabitants was forced to make a crash-landing in a microscopic field near the O'Hare Snail Ranch. Approximately 115 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Walter Silva, a happy ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Silva circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking petite fires before slowly colliding with a snail, which was one of nine grazing in the field.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked drummer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Kids everywhere swallowed deliberately at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one drummer.

Local celebrity Michael Justin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

A new poll by the esteemed Kirby Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia picketer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Several managers showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

A nationwide poll last January concerning hypertension, it was revealed that Jasonia is second in numbers of denizens sufferring from hypertension. The Perry & Utley poll doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to hypertension, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic hypertension.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Jennifer O'Hare observed, "I think we ought to further study the effects of these considerations." To clarify, she added, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining new legislation."

A local skateboarder blurted, "I request to pound his tibia."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the community's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and construct a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Momentarily Bumpy Crawdad deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

A friend heartily invited me to drive across Rumania with her. I need to go because I've never seen Rumania before and I wouldn't mind spending nine weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a buffalo that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

In a parched incident last weekend, a tire was dismembered by cranky fanatics. Police are concerned there may be more fanatics in the area and are warning locals to keep their tires indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a trophy maker, and proud owner of the tire disclosed today. "The fact that my tire was dismembered doesn't make me jolly.

"But what fills me with anxiety is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

This reporter overheard a local jock say "Golly gee! That was the most lucky daughter I've ever seen!"

Four locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Taylor, the Twin Peaks Anteaters broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Chris Davis observed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Taylor couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so melodious, I could probably kiss our llama of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Taylor's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

After a naughty 7 month rumble, Councilman Horace Jenkins was wildly laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The crabby thing is," grunted brother Councilman Manning, "the doctors grunted the ulcers could have been treated if it had been caught 3 years ago."

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Thor Scirica, a Alameda jogger, was the recipient of 54 offers of donor uvulas. The kinky Thor exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

Chances are 94 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What's the difference between Alexandria and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Guy Larson of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though peacefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Jones Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Edinborough denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our sweet metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Martin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.

The carefree Julie Gumbolt suit was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jenkins, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

A thirsty man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The Cherry Point Cheetahs traded Sam Schneider to the Alameda Stalkers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Stalkers coach Diane Scirica sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Jacque Yamato of Panama put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Panama capital was smashed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Thailand has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Mustafa Karnes says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite horrible about it."

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Jeepers! That was the most colorful cousin I've ever seen!"