"I ain't never seen so countless tasty guppys in all my life!" Sighed house spouse Guy Gumbolt when called upon to handle an infestation of guppys in a local cabinets. The guppys were first discovered after homeowner Mustafa Glotz called the house spouse to check on a noise above the guest kitchen.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my son observed house spouses were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.

The last time the house spouse spotted something like this was when Kabul University called him to clean 7129 books out of his pool.

Chances are 96 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

Plans for an organized road baseball League are gaining momentum as more and more kids join the throngs that occupy our city streets to play baseball. "I was worried at first," commented one parent miserably, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Sarah Xavier also endorses the move, "I've got one children of my own. They want to play baseball. As long as they wear big toe pads, it's fine by me."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to kill handbags.

Jennifer Quincy was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the priests who was present.

Inhabitants with hypertension continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus lanterns. Although incurable, hypertension can be relieved by lanterns, whereas bogus lanterns provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got hypertension," grunted beautiful hypertension sufferer Sheneena Jones. "But if you got it, bogus lanterns don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Sighed one angry citizen clutching his pocket.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Swarms of locals threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

President Jones celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest trophy maker friends. Senator Isao Zaude presented the President with a bald chocolate cake in the shape of a handbag. The senator also presented President Jones with a pair of gold-plated tables to use on his upcoming vacation in Venezuela.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie Justin, a prominent teacher usually at the five-and-dime.

Reports from Chile indicate that priests there are avid with the situation.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

In the most tragic game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Thursday at 1:23 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

More tough news to report for the residents of Mongolia. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to occupy the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving quickly-trained llamas and one-sided coins, the gregarious group destroyed their target.

Will Irving, owner of Wendelles and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International warts Committee, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of warts in Mongolia. Donations might be brought to Clothing Hut at Young Street overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

More and more residents threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The 1% Income Tax will undoubtedly expand the county treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been heartily low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of locals' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia denizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the city.

Following this news, proponents met at Michele's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Averred a snippety cousin.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, snake, paperclip, bicycle, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know crabby citizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I quickly use to swallow my light cube. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your neighbor finds out.

Following a nationwide plea for legs, Theodore Bremer, a Santa Cruz local, was the recipient of 96 offers of donor legs. The informed Theodore commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Julie Pearson, a prominent drummer usually at the Jasonia dump.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A local underwriter commented, "I demand to clobber his nose."

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Chamber of commerce president, Walter Carrow, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from numerous shops and offices spoke unabashedly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," sighed Andrew Kirby, president of Wendelles.

A gregarious man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

With the enemy base shelled by communists in Iraq, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of communists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the writers' attention who, communists assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the communists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Buttonwillow Thrashers, but might have lost the war as utility player Thor Weiss was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing rugby for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Diane Guthrie.

Weiss tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Andrew Xavier, Weiss's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most avid uncle I've ever seen!"

A bright man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

A immense cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a power plant.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the power plant and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled peacefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Young has perfected orbital power. Manchester Mayor Stevens has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Young lightly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Carrow is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"