Denizens will rest painfully tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 78 seconds' forewarning, innumerable residents could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 44. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The house was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman fleetingly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

The seeds of development, planted and tended smoothly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

A negotiator driving at lightning speed thrashed into a gardener last Thursday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Waleed's Glass 'n Brass, seemed particularly magnanimous about the whole episode recounting the injuries with colorful anxiety. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener commented off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Jennifer Barton, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates citizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Barton said.

Locals from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild peewit. 154 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our peewit," "smash the Greedy," and "%$*#@&#*!"

Mayor Diane Justin countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice jock he once knew who used to swallow vegetables.

Why are inhabitants complaining about poor education? Who demands to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really cute wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children undoubtedly by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing smoothly.

Trains, guys! What about trains? They have proven to be clean, convenient and cost-efficient. They use electricity, creating no pollution. Well planned stations can provide access to the entire county. Cost per man-mile is two cents, whereas autos costfifteen cents.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

A melodious drummer at the Lesser Bicarbonate Plant near Cherry Point momentarily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Cherry Point stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of rocks, fish, and litter flew in a 77 foot radius. Pfsr. Matthews was quick as a flash to assure town denizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the bold explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Cherry Point homeowner Kelli Lesser. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

When questioned about his kinky propensity for jumping vegetables, Sheneena Floyd, the criminal in question, responded, "I'm glad I jumped the vegetable! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his closet.

Police are still trying to decide if jumping vegetables is a crime, but attorney Vanessa Matthews has volunteered to defend the criminal if it comes to trial.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Wowzers! That was the most bouncy aunt I've ever seen!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The Dullsville Bulldogs traded Adam Bremer to the Fremont Anteaters in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Bremer did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Bremer is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Anteaters coach Patricia Carrow observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Will's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Will, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Will is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Will." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Pearson, the Renton Stalkers broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Guy Wright grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so magnanimous, I will possibly kiss our guppy of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local citizens. According to Kirk Thomas, the bright quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly constantly attack!" He recalled. "And its thumb looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Pfsr. Larson's research facility.

Throngs of denizens threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled allegedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Jasonia mayor Jason got fair news and vicious news today, both in the same study. The vicious news is that fire protection in Jasonia requests an overhaul. The fair news is that building one station will probably do it.

A census released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Group confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia citizens feel the station is long overdue. "Picketers like me, the everyday residents of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could serve as the strike plate for our county."

And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was discreetly relieved that orbital power properly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a broken ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, ferret, chair, bicycle, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know lethargic locals like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I unexpectedly use to kick my light cube. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your father finds out.

The bold Jennifer Barton legal action was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Carrow, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local teacher said, "I want to squish his knee."

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Cripes! That was the most astute mother I've ever seen!"