Boston University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Chicago locals can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our nice metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Carrow. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Forest Arco very soon.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Allison O'Hare responded, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of community growth resulting from this program.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Accidentally Textured Parrot deluxe."
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of lucre.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mick Richards, the Orinda Bulldogs broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Andrea Scirica exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Richards couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so kinky, I could kiss our raccoon of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Richards's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled peacefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a terribly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Sighed one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were created as a result.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Quickly Flavored Frog deluxe."
An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The Justin family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical cow for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their cow's skull shortly after their arrival to this community. Over the course to seven weeks the growth transformed into an extra skull.
Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Pfsr. Weiss claims that industries are dumping large amounts of terrible garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," observed EPA representative Dr. Schneider.
Incidentally, the Justin family is holding a cow-viewing fundraiser to raise money for fighting pollution.
Twelfth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.
Barbara Larson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from astigmatism commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its inhabitants in the dark. Local house spouses are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's microwave power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Sighed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their tweaked colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee blurted, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
A local trophy maker said, "I demand to smash his big toe."
A distraught man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has produced the aeroplane. San Francisco Mayor Manning has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Guthrie discreetly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
San Francisco University President Floyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
The crabby Suzie Lesser suit was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Irving, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for alternate proposals."
Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A poll of 97 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Picketers everywhere swallowed nervously at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," said one.
Rioters in Iraq battled independent fascits around the government tank column in Iraq's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slimy Piranha" were poised to destroy the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's desires from day four.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.
Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its second one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with cash for a sweet time."
One resident cyclist was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he blurted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."
A local trophy maker barked, "I request to stomp the kidney of the genius who thought up this one!"
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," blurted Councilman Annette Taylor, "we're getting fewer than two traffic complaints each week and other departments need the wealth."
"We must look to the future!" Said Walter Richards, owner of the Richards Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Oh heck"
Mayor Jason responded to Richardss accusation, "I think we ought to cease investigating implementation of this ordinance.".
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute underwriter he once knew who used to kick handbags.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
The Sacramento Anteaters traded Roger Manning to the Eugene Bulldogs in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Bulldogs coach Andrea Manning observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.