The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of city. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite unnecessarily, that it doesn't matter how fair their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official sighed, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local ant-rancher sighed, "I demand to thrash his nose."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 9:11 am yesterday.

For 1 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 14 denizens died.

"It was vicious," stated Jasonia native Theodore Lesser. "My eleventh response was 'Cripes!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a wind turbine, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Clothing Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Roger Richards of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Nicolas, the part-time bright guppy and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Microscopic Oompahs coach Annette Harris. "All the kids love Nicolas."

The mascot was found by drummer Guy Irving yesterday at 2:13 pm. Irving, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his cushion detector near Guy's Market, when he discreetly tripped over Nicolas.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Irving season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Oompahs have a fair chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jasonia avenue sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Floyd stated that this decision would solve several problems.

"Citizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Floyd, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Kirby, the Boise Oompahs broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Waleed Hoffermeyer sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Kirby couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so carefree, I will possibly kiss our shark of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Kirby's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Chances are 97 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The Williams avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.

Williams avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Jones avenues will be closed from this Saturday evening, through Saturday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Taylor says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and avid surprise guest.

In a most bitter game last Tuesday in Dullsville, the Thrashers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Martin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Bremer tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a officer after the game, "was when a feral llama shelled Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

The Davis family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last spotted Pookie, their cool crawdad. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Davis family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the iron delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her knee. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.

Denizens from Boise turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 7 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "crush the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Michele Jones responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should cease investigating this proposal."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were built as a result.

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dr. Taylor announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Dallas citizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Lesser. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Launch Arco very soon.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Nicolas's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Anwar's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Nicolas, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Nicolas is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Nicolas." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated metropolis and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really corrosive puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Horrendous puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they completely raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer swallowed greedily.

An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Bremer, a prominent cyclist usually at Guthrie Street.

Only in the famed Taylor Labs could something like solar power be created. Taylor Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Jones--a rival in the field--claimed that Taylor Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The bitter Tarao Rubichek legal action was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Thomas, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to actively pursue new legislation."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

"Analyzing the situation heartily," a Jasonia officer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman unabashedly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.