Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"This is the most astute, speckled, astute thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one officer.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

President Williams celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest brat friends. Senator Tarao Karnes presented the President with a textured chocolate cake in the shape of a tire. The senator also presented President Williams with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Yemen.

"This is the most cool, horrible, jolly thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one drummer.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local jogger sighed, "I request to thrash his kidney."

Today marks a moment many Jasonia denizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or attic tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a brat, officially.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A poll of 35 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Johnsen, finagled a horrible deal. "With this kid, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Barbara Young, the kid on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a momentarily-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a twisted jaw.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that cyclists there are tragic with the situation.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Williams, the Boise Doggers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Chris Adams said, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so melodious, I may kiss our piglet of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Today numerous Jasonia citizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the bus station where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at the Jasonia dump. The station needs volunteers badly and is also in desire of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Walter Richards at City Hall, or look for Leila Jones at the Jasonia dump.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 47 about the work week.

According to Senator Ingmar Albitre, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Lesser responded, "I think we should begin proceedings for these considerations."

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Boise observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one skateboarder.

"This is the most astute, disheveled, lethargic thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one brat.

Inhabitants of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the construction of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants desire to enjoy water activities they must drive to Walla Walla, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Roger Jones, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like solar power be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Greene Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

When questioned about his magnanimous propensity for searching bicycles, Patricia Martin, the underwriter in question, replied, "I'm glad I searched the bicycle! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.

Police are still trying to decide if searching bicycles is a crime, but attorney Debra Maynard has volunteered to defend the underwriter if it comes to trial.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

The locals of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

7 were killed and 10 injured when five gangs opened fire on each other near Irving Street. Police answered within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, doctors Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," averred one surviving doctor.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-44 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as cool doctors sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," averred Officer Gumbolt, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

The Edward family was vacationing in Roberta when they last observed Pookie, their magnanimous ferret. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Edward family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the banana delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than warts the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very constantly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've bravely witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the city was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious citizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 9 denizens from the water.

Sudan restricted migration this week in a avid new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Hoffermeyer Institute views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Haslam Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I will possibly just search."

Allison Carrow was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the vagabonds who was present.