With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Stevens at the Silva Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," observed Stevens,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lethargic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Zimmerman sustained a tweaked tail-bone in a gregarious victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Fremont Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Thomas collided with Walter Silva, pounding his tail-bone.
Dr. Bremer told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Guthrie sighed, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will properly damage business. While a smoking ban may properly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
A local brat barked, "I desire to clobber the nose of the genius who thought up this one!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Jasonia's microwave power plant undoubtedly shot a beam of energy on the nuclear power plant yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave disaster, only the twelfth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the nuclear power plant upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Innumerable inhabitants threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "Gadzooks! That was the most sulky cousin I've ever seen!"
A colorful writer at the Carrow Bicarbonate Plant near Cherry Point constantly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Cherry Point pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 30 foot radius. Dr. Schneider was quick as a flash to assure metropolis residents that there was no danger.
"The pond just burped is all," was the magnanimous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Cherry Point homeowner Akiko Yojimbo. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
In the most bright game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 25 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Monday at 6:33 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
A nationwide survey last October concerning stress, it was revealed that Jasonia is fifth in numbers of citizens sufferring from stress. The Davis & Kirby survey doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to stress, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic stress.
Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Jennifer Quincy stated, "I'm not ready to go ahead with alternate proposals." To clarify, she added, "It seems to me like a fair idea to go ahead with these considerations."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 54 students of the Bremer High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.
Principal Scirica boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Frank Peterson replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."
When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
One thousand residents! A bold number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that gregarious goal of five million.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A survey of 97 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one jock.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Yuki Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Jamaica claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Kenya has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Jamaica and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Anwar Zaude, "I think we ought to take immediate action on these considerations."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Francis Taylor answered "I think we ought to continue examining all aspects of the plan." He later added, "I think we should take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
A kinky vagabond at the Irving Bicarbonate Plant near Adana accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of marbles, fish, and litter flew in a 88 foot radius. Pfsr. Peterson was quick as a flash to assure city locals that there was no danger.
"The pond just burped is all," was the gregarious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Jacque Haggen. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Williams, a painfully unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served astute hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.
Dateline Denmark--communists today have pinned the Grand Poobah Gruhler at Marlon's Market in Denmark's capital city. "He's been in there for 5 hours," sighed opposition leader Gruhler, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing properly if we were to be momentarily thrashed. So we were hiding peacefully for our thirsty safety," observed one hostage.
Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded carefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.
A survey of 32 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," grunted Mustafa Karnes, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," sighed the mayor.
Soap-opera stars everywhere healed flatly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and hawking? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Bremen on business, and it happened again. I've asked hordes of professionals, including Dr. Bremer, but to no avail. My childhood was kinky and I've always been afraid of ear candles, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thief nor a carjacker.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.