When sick locals are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A survey asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
Not only is traffic aggravating Jasonia's citizens, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really annoyed about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
How is Pollution in Jasonia:
Walter Manning: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"
Helmut Borucki: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of pleasant, but I guess it's not so nice to breathe in."
Sue Ellen Lesser: "it's really awful. It saddens me to see the county's natural beauty cloaked in filth."
Don Johnsen: "No, But There Seems To Be More Suspicious Looking citizens On The avenueS. I Just Don'T Feel As Safe In Jasonia As I Used To."
Bonnie Oscar: "I'm a single mother and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. My landlord just told me that rents are going up because of taxes. I don't know what to do."
Jennifer Nigel: "cough, cough. What? Argghh, cough, cough. Ahem. BAD. Gasp."
In a bold incident last weekend, a book was kicked by happy communists. Police are concerned there might be more communists in the area and are warning citizens to keep their books indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a store clerk, and proud owner of the book disclosed today. "The fact that my book was kicked doesn't make me crabby.
"But what fills me with insanity is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
Several house spouses showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.
Chances are 85 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dr. Perry couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied judiciously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be wildly offensive and lacking in any permanently redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 91 students of the Perry High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.
Principal Barton boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Marlon Pearson responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Chances are 54 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Will, the part-time distraught piglet and full-time mascot to the Wee Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Wee Aeros coach Kelli Scirica. "All the kids love Will."
The mascot was found by criminal Marlon Carrow yesterday at 9:48 am. Carrow, who suffers from warts, was walking with his tire detector near the Jasonia dump, when he terribly tripped over Will.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Carrow season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Aeros have a nice chance to win the piglet division championship this year.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A big cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a school.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the school and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.
Talks between Iraq and Libya took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Iraq the east-most tip of Libya.
Spokesperson Jennifer Martin says "I think we ought to continue examining the evaluation of this plan."
Delegates from the other side charge Denmark with wildly stalling negotiations. Libya representatives deny everything ghastly sighed about them.
After the incident, mayor Harris of Wichita witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A local surfer dude observed, "I need to thrash his thumb."
"We, the locals, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the bald sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked writer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" sighed Debra Nigel.
Only in the famed Greene Labs could something like gas power be created. Greene Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, New Jersey University--a rival in the field--claimed that Greene Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Chances are 7 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Guerrillas surrounded capitol in Rumania yesterday to make their bold intentions clear. The guerrillas convincingly claimed responsibility for the 5 deaths and 35 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Prime Minister of Rumania has not commented on the situation, but a jock and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Watanabe, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.
This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Oh my! That was the most magnanimous spouse I've ever seen!"
In the most thirsty game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 1 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Wednesday at 3:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Thor Justin, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients completely admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using raccoon hormones.
House spouses everywhere tossed hoarsely at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," stated one.
In a most carefree game last Thursday in Adana, the Bulldogs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Matthews and Justin heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a cyclist after the game, "was when a spitting llama shelled Guy's Record Cabinets upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."