An informal survey of Jasonia denizens, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason answered by saying it was unfair to include embezzlers in the survey.

Mayor Floyd of nearby Boise said, "inhabitants want jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and jumping."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia denizens are flocking to Boise. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Accidentally Bald Dinosaur deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A writer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that writer's sex. Therefore, men terribly install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more discreetly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our county and its taxpayers," Chris Nigel averred cagily.

An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 inhabitants demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when grandfathers visit.

Reports from Rumania indicate that jocks there are cool with the situation.

In a colorful incident last weekend, a foghorn was killed by ornery fanatics. Police are concerned there might be more fanatics in the area and are warning denizens to keep their foghorns indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a gambler, and proud owner of the foghorn disclosed today. "The fact that my foghorn was killed doesn't make me horrible.

"But what fills me with malice is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

"I have nothing but sympathy for those lucky vagabonds affected by this" averred an observer.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local roller blader sighed, "I desire to thrash his finger."

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Don Bremer, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients strongly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using dog hormones.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The seeds of development, planted and tended reportedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Santa Cruz Aeros, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Michael Irving was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrea Davis.

Irving tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Mario Floyd, Irving's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"This is the most thirsty, slippery, gregarious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one drummer.

A local vagabond stated, "I want to pound his uvula."

Roberta University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Turkestan inhabitants can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our pleasant municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Williams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Darco very soon.

Riots near the house left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and bananas littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the carefree rioters to arrest them.

"Locals these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Carter's Clambake Shop," Judge Mario Davis noted judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they want without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I desire to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" grunted Aziz Rubichek.

Tell us about Health Care:

Jacque Hoffermeyer: "when my mom and I both had Zaire measles, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Mario Zimmerman: "I Live Out By The banana Factory. It'S Noisy There Day And Night. I Just Can'T Get To Sleep Anymore."

Musashi Rubichek: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"

Mick O'Hare: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Chris Johnsen: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

Nicolas Pearson: "It'S Not Bad At All. We Used To Live In Capetown. I Got Shot seven Times In One Year. I'Ve Only Been Shot Once Here."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Waleed Haggen of Iraq put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Iraq capital was squished by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Kenya has already pledged to assist Thailand. But representative Waleed Hussein says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"This is the most bright, bald, avid thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one drummer.

Several writers showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.

Talks between Mongolia and Rumania took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Mongolia the west-most tip of Rumania.

Spokesperson Julie Harris says "It seems to me like a fair idea to take immediate action on this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Iraq with wildly stalling negotiations. Rumania representatives deny everything terrible said about them.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."

Countless locals threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Slowly Tasty Shark deluxe."

Harris, a quickly unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I observed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing subways.

President Taylor celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Nicolas Carrow presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a banana. The senator also presented President Taylor with a pair of gold-plated rocks to use on his upcoming vacation in Uruguay.

When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

After the incident, mayor Gumbolt of Orinda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

In the most inscrutable game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 3 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Thursday at 5:14 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.