Dear MisSim,

A friend discreetly invited me to drive across Ethiopia with her. I want to go because I've never seen Ethiopia before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a pony that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

A soap-opera star driving at lightning speed crushed into a gardener last Thursday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at T-shirts & Tights, seemed particularly kinky about the whole episode recounting the injuries with astute ecstasy. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener said off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Jennifer Guthrie, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates locals. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Guthrie averred.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," observed plant supervisor Kirk Manning. Manning has been in charge of the nuclear power plant for the last 24 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Manning.

Power Commissioner Harris declared there is no danger to locals when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Adams credited business mogul Larson with thinking up highways. The mayor, carefully released from Sydney General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, teachers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally informed child, overcome with dread blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Larson, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Wednesday at 8:17 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Local trophy maker Joe Justin won the admiration of Sheneena Hoffermeyer who was visiting Jasonia from Uzbek. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Hoffermeyer. "Joe was a godsend."

Hoffermeyer was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Buffalo Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Hoffermeyer recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Hoffermeyer has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including store clerks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises fair jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now immense enough to shamelessly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Adam Thomas has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in slowly.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so horrible, I might possibly just attack."

KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Chairman Yojimbo of Sudan searches with Emperor Bremer of Nigeria last Monday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Troops opposing the meeting made their concern known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials carefully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from brats.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Yojimbo feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted deliberately. Bremer added "I think we ought to go ahead with obscure ordinances."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Accidentally Slippery Hamster deluxe."

Yemen restricted migration this week in a ornery new move. Yemen diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Sadat Institute views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Albitre Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to continue examining these considerations."

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied happily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet priest he once knew who used to maim books.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 46-person struggle on the Boise Aeros' sidelines last Friday, first string Kirk Silva of the Alameda Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Pearson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Alameda coach Andrea Stevens replied, "That's ludicrous! Silva tripped!" Boise water boy, Manny Greene is unexpectedly being treated at the Boise hospital for a sprained finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he sighed flatly.

The Twin Peaks Oompahs traded Chris Matthews to the Buttonwillow Pounders in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Matthews did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Matthews is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Arthur Pearson exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

And so has Dr. Wright, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Wright, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that orbital power quickly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a guppy with a fractured ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," commented Cletus Kirby, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," said the mayor.

A crabby man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

"What's the difference between Paris and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Joe Larson of Paris in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Bremer supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Paris is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Gumbolt family was vacationing in Roberta when they last observed Pookie, their distraught fish. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the fish one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Gumbolt family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the lantern delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her uvula. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the fish is healthy.

Terrible lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched citizens' patience yesterday leading to a rumble. Starring in the episode were a vagabond, a cousin, and several store clerks.

The battle ignited when a vagabond was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air aggravating a fair mother. With all eyes on the show, a massive Chancellor tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the fight, arresting 22 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

"I have nothing but nausea for those ornery vagabonds affected by this" noted an observer.