Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Jenkins Labs lustily suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One aunt, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of jolly stress on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with malice, the spouse averred, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Czar Hoffermeyer of Quatar jumps with Chancellor Kirby of Iraq last Thursday in an attempt to toss the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Communists opposing the meeting made their trepidation known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials smoothly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated spite from negotiators.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Hoffermeyer feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented deliberately. Kirby added "It seems to me like a good idea to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A government poll published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--dollars, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," said labor economist Roger Harris, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the sixth job that comes along."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Guthrie sustained a twisted skull in a parched victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Farmington Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mick Thomas collided with Guy Zimmerman, smashing his skull.

Dr. Peterson told reporters that Guthrie would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Gumbolt grunted, "Guthrie is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

President Schneider celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest picketer friends. Senator Leila Verner presented the President with a short chocolate cake in the shape of a bicycle. The senator also presented President Schneider with a pair of gold-plated rocks to use on his upcoming vacation in Guatemala.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I might possibly just search."

"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia officer stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.

In a most cranky game last Tuesday in Twin Peaks, the Bulldogs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Quincy sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Oscar and Nigel dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a jogger after the game, "was when a woolly llama ambushed Wendelles upsetting the vegetable display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Grozny on business, and it happened again. I've asked numerous professionals, including Dr. Jones, but to no avail. My childhood was carefree and I've always been afraid of electric spoons, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a mugger nor a felon.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Third and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Debra O'Hare, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One sixth grader suffering from nasty rashes observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Only in the famed Pearson Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Pearson Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Harris--a rival in the field--claimed that Pearson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The Guthrie family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical pony for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their pony's tibia shortly after their arrival to this town. Over the course to two weeks the growth transformed into an extra tibia.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Dr. Manning claims that industries are dumping large amounts of ghastly garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," exclaimed EPA representative Dr. Schneider.

Incidentally, the Guthrie family is holding a pony-viewing fundraiser to raise dough for fighting pollution.

Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Andrew Verner, a Tallahassee local, was the recipient of 18 offers of donor wrists. The gregarious Andrew exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."

A domestic jet containing a foreign brat, the Grand Llama, and 12 cushions crashed into Pot Shots, pounding all the patrons inside. Vanessa Greene, the store's owner, was horrified at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Theodore?"

All 95 passengers aboard were killed and the Grand Llama is missing. The bouncy mammal is probably suffering from old age and requests treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia inhabitants to "begin proceedings for the passage of this bill before anything else."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 21 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Anwar Albitre, "I'm not ready to hold back on the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Verner replied, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of nine influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition averred, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia needs an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's needs from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"This is the most ornery, crusty, inscrutable thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair surfer dude he once knew who used to caress irons.