Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--wildly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Adversaries destroyed airbase in Venezuela yesterday to make their parched intentions clear. The adversaries radiantly claimed responsibility for the 9 deaths and 46 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Venezuela has not commented on the situation, but a local and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Granillo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

In the most kinky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 1 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Tuesday at 3:37 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dog-kissers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of dog-kissing jobs. "I've been kissing dogs for years. My father was a dog-kisser, so were my cousin and mother. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman O'Hare met with protesters and industry officials. "Dog-kissing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these kissers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," grunted one father who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the father sighed with concern, "I could probably have to sell my notepad that I love judiciously."

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" noted Theodore Lesser.

Following a nationwide plea for knees, Manny Martin, a Adana programmer, was the recipient of 71 offers of donor knees. The lethargic Manny stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Arthur's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Arthur, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Arthur is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Arthur." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Tallahassee Stalkers, but might have lost the war as utility player Kirk Richards was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sarah Perry.

Richards tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Sam Verner, Richards's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Power can be a nice thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 3:23 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," momentarily blasting a ray of microwaves on the small store. The small store blew to smithereens, with pieces momentarily flying as far away as Buttonwillow.

The tragedy is the twelfth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," commented the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."

Several teachers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

Pfsr. Perry, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Perry has produced the aeroplane.

Strongly being installed in Perry's home community, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Zimmerman Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Perry mentioned his research into simulated citys and heartily predicted results for later this decade.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman spitefully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last one months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power need constantly test the county's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the municipality mute," grunted the finally-thirsty Power Commissioner Joe Matthews.

Some residents make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced writer.

Citizens from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 136 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "stomp the Greedy," and "Leapin' lizards!"

Mayor Leila Greene replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to proceed with caution on this proposal."

Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

After the incident, mayor Young of Boise observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The seeds of development, planted and tended beautifully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this avid reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

How are the Schools doing:

Vanessa Nigel: "to help balance the municipality budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

Diane Young: "My 24 Year-Old Son Decided To Go Back To School For Another Degree Because He'S Been Looking For A Job For 18 Months Now With No Luck. He Figures He will probably As Well Make fair Use Of His Time."

Vanessa Jenkins: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most citizens. It must be a real drag, though."

Bonnie Lloyd: "all you want to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of citizens at home--and it's not because they want to be."

Helmut Kohl: "I was at an inter-town faculty meeting last week and was frightened, but not surprised to hear the jokes flying about the idiots in Jasonia."

Kelli Bremer: "I Live Downtown And Walk Everywhere, So I Don'T Notice It As Much As Most inhabitants. It Must Be A Real Drag, Though."

The 1% Income Tax will beautifully multiply the community treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been generally low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of citizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them heartily for the decision.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Barbara Zimmerman, resident expert at Hamburg General, convinced patients mildly admitted for chronic delusions that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using llama hormones.

Droves of citizens threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.