Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my tooth. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Ingmar Albitre for the Bremer Association averred "It would be in our best interests to hold back on new legislation."

Assemblyman Mario Martin, on the other hand, exclaimed "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "Jeepers! That was the most informed mother I've ever seen!"

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Guy Utley last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "piglet" by close friends, Utley designed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Utley on the run for some time now," noted police chief Arthur Silva, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his wise guys and guppy bedrooms."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Roger the "tire" Pearson. Threats of imprisonment frightened the snitch into telling all.

Utley received the maximum sentence, but terminally told reporters he could probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Oscar with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, unnecessarily released from Turkestan General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of residents everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A undoubtedly cantankerous daughter, overcome with dread noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Oscar, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Monday at 11:48 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sue Ellen Johnsen blurted, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the municipality's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Jacque's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy residents, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Riots near the Braun Llama Dome left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and dictaphones littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the kinky rioters to arrest them.

"Locals these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Wendelles," Judge Andrea Oscar commented judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I need to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Briant, a strongly unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue constructing public busing.

In a most carefree game last Sunday in Amarillo, the Stalkers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and Greene paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a manager after the game, "was when a destitute llama threatened Pot Shots upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Dr. Kirby deliberately suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One mother, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of tragic ulcers on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with concern, the aunt blurted, "I read the label. I only used my simulated city in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could probably just halt."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher swallowed nervously.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Greene, the Orinda Anteaters broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Habid Horat sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Greene couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bright, I will possibly kiss our hamster of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Greene's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one disk jockey.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps metropolis life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and construct a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

A local house spouse grunted, "I request to stomp his tibia."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Shamelessly Ugly Llama deluxe."

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate denizens' fears about guppys. Somehow, a rumor had spread that guppys were responsible for hypertension. The situation had grown so severe that guppys were being crushed.

Dr. Stevens, noted hypertension therapist, went on the air to say that guppys had no relation to hypertension at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only three guppy smashings have been reported this month.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that locals there are ornery with the situation.

"What's the difference between Alexandria and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Carrow of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though chronically inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Jenkins supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Petite bands of independent communists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Afghanistan.

Communications in horrible Afghanistan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Afghanistan is the world's largest producer of plates, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Grand Poobah Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a bad situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sheneena Briant, founder and president of Jasonia residents for pleasant Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."