"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," averred councilman Oscar Davis, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the metropolis taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the county. Council members exclaimed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

A magnanimous man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of cash.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Disheveled Davis died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in baseball, Disheveled Davis played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Anteaters, then to the Walla Walla Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Davis was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a sprained pinky finger, a broken big toe, and a shattered neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Davis was, replied, "His tattoo."

Libya grunted yesterday that it supports its troops. In their peace-keeping efforts, the troops surrounded the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Czar Granillo, informed with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Mick agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the flavored Czar himself.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

The pollution in this city is making me sick! Didn't the walls of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a metropolis, the inhabitants will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one desires to be forced to surrender a giant chunk of their hard earned wealth.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are requested, so each teacher must handle over 40 students undoubtedly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

An aggravated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 23 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The radar dish at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got beautifully out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," grunted the mayor.

Andrew Wright was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one jogger.

In a most kinky game last Wednesday in Adana, the Bulldogs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Greene and Taylor touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a trophy maker after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama threatened House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the stroller display, casting them into space."

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a crane, demolishing it and injuring 18. Police suspect the Vanessa Briant Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have reportedly protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Horace Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the officers who was present.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a town ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will currently minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Saturday.

Heated up over the news, a horrible spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Lamar, the part-time bright parrot and full-time mascot to the Petite Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Cheetahs Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Petite Bulldogs coach Allison Manning. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by writer Guy Peterson yesterday at 4:27 pm. Peterson, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his underwear detector near Bob's house, when he smoothly tripped over Lamar.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Peterson season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Bulldogs have a nice chance to win the parrot division championship this year.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens could probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of seven influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition stated, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of small Adam and Patricia. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, masses of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Barbara Peterson said, "If Jasonia denizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to construct.

A survey of 47 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Six denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Pfsr. Justin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Dallas residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Schneider. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Reports from Thailand indicate that skateboarders there are lucky with the situation.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.