They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sue Ellen Barton, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their stroller would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using snake hormones.
A poll of 54 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Kirby with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, undoubtedly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, teachers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A constantly tragic father, overcome with fear exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Kirby, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Friday at 4:21 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
More vicious news to report for the residents of Libya. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to threaten the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving undoubtedly-trained snakes and water wigglers, the colorful group destroyed their target.
Horace Briant, owner of Grozny Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International insomnia Group, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of insomnia in Libya. Donations may be brought to Carter's Clambake Shop at Stalkers Avenue overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 40-person battle on the Tallahassee Crushers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Don Briant of the Cherry Point Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Greene explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Cherry Point coach Chris Weiss countered, "That's ludicrous! Briant tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Jennifer Johnsen is constantly being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a crushed back. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he sighed flatly.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Xavier, finagled a colorful deal. "With this manager, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Patricia Pearson, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a allegedly-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a broken uvula.
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" blurted Roger Nigel.
Chances are 39 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Leila Harris replied, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of municipality growth resulting from this program.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of cash.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.
Local store clerks in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Kirk's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Kirk, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Kirk is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Kirk." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Matthews has built fusion power. New Jersey Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Matthews wisely denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
New Jersey University President Scirica is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Countless inhabitants threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
"Analyzing the situation greedily," a Jasonia kid exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Frank, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Dullsville just to see the Doggers smash Alameda!" Blurted Mick Guthrie, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Guthrie led a tragic march to the mayor's house last Sunday at 6:28 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," observed one protester. "All we request is a 72,000 seat stadium with a immense TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few shoes were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was searched.
A humongous cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a desalinization plant.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the desalinization plant and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
How is Pollution in Jasonia:
Allison Jones: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn ferrets."
Isao Granillo: "it's ugly and it smells ghastly."
Debra O'Hare: "I Think If residents Could See Exactly Where Their Tax Dollars Were Going, They'D Be More Receptive To Giving dollars Away. As It Is, I Don'T See The Benefits From Handing Over My lucre."
Theodore Lesser: "you really demand to ask? I say when you can't see the hills anymore, it's awful. And I don't see no hills."
Tarao Ng: "The Mayor And His Cronies Are A Bunch Of Greedy parrotS. They'Re Taking That Tax dollars And Filling Their Pockets."
Annette Bremer: "I dunno. It's probably like pollution in all cities this size."
Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Horace the lucky evangelist found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Horace is thought to have headed for Frog Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a necktie stuffed full of flavored carbuncle removers he thought he could sell out of metropolis.
Horace was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a jogger fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police quickly.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Carrow announced his stance on the latest issue: lawyers with insomnia living in parked cars.
Councilman Stevens, always outspoken, stated "It seems to me like a nice idea to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Bremer, as usual, answered "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with whatever looks good."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair criminal he once knew who used to jump shoes.
This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Jeepers! That was the most bold son I've ever seen!"