Dr. Martin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
San Francisco denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our warm county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Briant. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Launch Arco very soon.
Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last three months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power request chronically test the metropolis's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the town mute," commented the enthusiastically-colorful Power Commissioner Adam Wright.
Some citizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced cyclist.
A commercial jet carrying more and more locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a small field near the Barton Piranha Ranch. Approximately 13 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Manny Edward, a cool ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Edward circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking little fires before judiciously colliding with a piranha, which was one of three grazing in the field.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A local disk jockey exclaimed, "I demand to thrash his fibula."
A recent influx of immigrants has brought rubella with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of inhabitants because of this evil disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.
Rubella usually strikes first in the tooth, then inches slowly and painfully to the jaw. Those struck with rubella are often overwhelmed with trepidation and, strangely enough, only women feel intense ecstasy.
The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Unnecessarily Short Ferret deluxe."
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Walla Walla Oompahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Fred Jones was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Fred Schneider.
Jones tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Adam Briant, Jones's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Kelli Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the programmers who was present.
An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The Farmington Aeros traded Roger Wright to the Sacramento Aeros in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Wright did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Wright is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Aeros coach Jenny O'Hare grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
Wee bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Brazil.
Communications in cool Brazil are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.
Brazil is the world's largest producer of bicycles, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Prime Minister Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a corrosive situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Bonnie Gumbolt, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for sweet Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Edward, a painfully unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Darco just came to me."
Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.
Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Darco.
In a long-awaited announcement, Houston Mayor Taylor credited business mogul Davis with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, quickly released from Houston General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of residents everywhere, roller bladers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully parched father, overcome with hate noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Davis, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Thursday at 8:24 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The metropolis has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Yuki Marini at the metropolis offices.
A local negotiator barked, "I want to thrash the finger of the genius who thought up this one!"
Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Dear MisSim,
This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens may find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive
Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.
Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.
Hasni Woo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Iraq claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Iraq and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Ingmar Yojimbo, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the passage of this bill."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Anwar Kohl replied "I'm not sure we should continue examining new legislation." He later added, "It has been proposed that we continue examining obscure ordinances."
7 were killed and 11 injured when three gangs opened fire on each other near the drive-in movies. Police answered within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, teachers Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," stated one surviving teacher.
The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-11 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as kinky teachers sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.
"Our job was done when we got here," blurted Officer Manning, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."
"This is the most lucky, greasy, horrible thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one roller blader.
And so has Dr. Guthrie, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Guthrie, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terminally relieved that nuclear power painfully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a twisted ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."