Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," blurted police psychologist Michele Stevens.

A melodious woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

The locals of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Lesser, a shamelessly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the subways just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing subways.

Chamber of commerce president, Don Larson, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from throngs of shops and offices spoke forcefully about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dough.

"We can't open our metropolis branch office until we can get there," averred Jenny Irving, president of Turkestan Broiled Chicken.

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I could probably just caress."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

After the incident, mayor Wright of Twin Peaks observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Chances are 95 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

Unemployed are not just those residents on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

One days ago, a friend of mine spent three hours getting from Cheetahs Avenue to 4th and Main. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Holy moly!

The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, construct a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

You don't have to hang out at Buffalo Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Kabul Broiled Chicken. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Tenth and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Habid Kohl, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from stress commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, fish, foghorn, chair, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know crabby residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I smoothly use to kick my light cube. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

A surprising census this week revealed that occurrences of old age had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in September and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," averred Dr. Julie Verner of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a nice indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the avid physician donned a party foghorn, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Chances are 18 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In a most tragic game last Sunday in Adana, the Aeros and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Weiss and Zimmerman kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a brat after the game, "was when the Grand Llama destroyed Taco Tuba upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

The Amarillo Thrashers traded Fred Davis to the Boise Oompahs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Davis did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Davis is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Oompahs coach Vanessa Martin blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

"What's the difference between New York and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Mick Silva of New York in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Pearson supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into New York is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 67 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Debra Larson, "I highly recommend we further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Thomas responded, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

After the incident, mayor Briant of Buttonwillow spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the informed young soap-opera star passing by did.

"This is the most parched, disheveled, lucky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one local.

Riots near the army parking lot left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and radios littered the roads that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the parched rioters to arrest them.

"Denizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Carter's Clambake Shop," Judge Tarao Zaude said judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they want without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I need to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Anwar Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Nigeria claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Libya has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Nigeria and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Saddam Cousteau, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Ichiko Gruhler countered "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for implementation of this ordinance." He later added, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."