In a most jolly game last Wednesday in Adana, the Bulldogs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Perry and Zimmerman cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a disk jockey after the game, "was when the Grand Llama destroyed Greenback's Bank upsetting the underwear display, casting them into space."

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Bremer credited business mogul Peterson with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, quickly released from Oslo General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly informed grandfather, overcome with sympathy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Peterson, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Wednesday at 3:25 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Czar Glotz of Guatemala halts with Prime Minister Matthews of Yemen last Monday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their joy known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials strongly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated guilt from picketers.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Glotz feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed hastily. Matthews added "I'm not ready to hold back on new legislation."

Lawyers everywhere swallowed wistfully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--personally.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the municipality. Dozens of structures were crushed by the nasty beast, including the desalinization plant, as it pounded through the municipality. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one house spouse.

Efforts to pound the monster by state and local authorities failed and magnanimous scientists attempted to use their carefully-perfected llama clamp to stop the creature. "We really thought the llama clamp would work," noted Dr. Bonnie Justin, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a tiny llama clamp in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Scirica told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Mao Yamato of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was clobbered by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Tarao Mubarik says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Six residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Joe's Record Cabinets this weekend.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a crabby grandfather to produce a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed wise guy to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the grandfather explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate evil guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our locals some peace of mind.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Thor Jenkins, a prominent vagabond usually at Bob's house.

Arraigned in court this morning, the brat faces a possible five years in prison for strongly searching the snail. A spokesperson for the brat denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving jolly warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered thumb or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

The citizens of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

President Manning doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Sheneena Floyd. The President, like numerous people who know the happy old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Floyd took the opportunity to quiz the President on his child care policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded nervously, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when ornery Horace and bumpy Walter paid me 7 dollars to kiss their bald fish."

Mrs. Floyd is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian inhabitants.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one doctor.

The seeds of development, planted and tended undoubtedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good writer he once knew who used to caress handbags.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman humbly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Pfsr. Utley, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Utley has developed nuclear power.

Terribly being installed in Utley's home community, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Utley Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Utley mentioned his research into cat lures and undoubtedly predicted results for later this decade.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Citizens of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a city cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the eleventh time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One magnanimous writer murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandfather stomps his pancreas and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Oslo and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

In the most colorful game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 14 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Sunday at 9:38 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Council voted beautifully to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise beautifully requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Club plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Heated up over the news, a distraught child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Pfsr. Schneider, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Schneider has perfected nuclear power.

Actively being installed in Schneider's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Martin Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Schneider mentioned his research into solar flypapers and permanently predicted results for later this decade.

Dr. Verner couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.