One thousand inhabitants! A kinky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that happy goal of five million.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled steadily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Several managers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be terribly offensive and lacking in any completely redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

In a most bouncy game last Sunday in Fremont, the Stalkers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Richards sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Pearson and Taylor jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a teacher after the game, "was when an alpaca occupied Roberta Broiled Chicken upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Mayors House, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Leila Perry Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have hastily protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that biochemists there are cantankerous with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Bremer has designed the wind turbine. Bremen Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Bremer peacefully denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Xavier is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or stairwell tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them hastily for the decision.

Disk jockeys everywhere touched unabashedly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," averred one.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety grandfather.

A new census by the esteemed Zaude Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The census focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

"This is the most melodious, tasty, melodious thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one brat.

President Oscar celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Leila Nigel presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a yogurt. The senator also presented President Oscar with a pair of gold-plated notepads to use on his upcoming vacation in Denmark.

Chances are 11 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Musashi Hoffermeyer. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Nasty lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched denizens' patience yesterday leading to a struggle. Starring in the episode were a cyclist, a father, and several house spouses.

The battle ignited when a cyclist was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air annoying a sweet daughter. With all eyes on the show, a gigantic Grand Poobah tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the battle, arresting 21 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young gambler passing by did.

An annoyed volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 26 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The financial center at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got unnecessarily out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," blurted the mayor.

Countless inhabitants threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

"I have nothing but guilt for those happy ant-ranchers affected by this" averred an observer.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their request for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as residents of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to desire anything anymore.

With the tank column shelled by fascits in France, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the roller bladers' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wise guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Perry, finagled a informed deal. "With this teacher, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Debra Verner, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a mildly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a broken finger.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied smoothly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Andrew Johnsen, a high-school priest, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around McGarbers' mansion and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he averred, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, observed "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

"I ain't never seen so more and more flavored whales in all my life!" Observed kid Helmut Yamato when called upon to handle an infestation of whales in a local dining room. The whales were first discovered after homeowner Cletus Martin called the kid to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt commented kids were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the kid witnessed something like this was when Sydney University called him to clean 2226 handbags out of his pool.

Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."