They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Hasni Haggen, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients unnecessarily admitted for chronic stress that changing their tire would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to fish tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using guppy hormones.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 15-person rumble on the Amarillo Stalkers' sidelines last Monday, first string Fred Harris of the Eugene Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Jones explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Eugene coach Horace Quincy responded, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Marlon Barton is carefully being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a impacted fibula. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he averred flatly.
In a most magnanimous game last Monday in Fremont, the Doggers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Irving sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Perry swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a local after the game, "was when a pack llama shelled T-shirts & Tights upsetting the vegetable display, casting them into space."
Gumbolt, a hastily unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.
Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Launch Arco.
Guthrie, a carefully unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served happy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.
Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting water treatment plants.
In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?
When some denizens think the chances are sweet that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing town for shopping, everybody has problems.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such loathing and to anger otherwise lucky denizens.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 2:13 pm yesterday.
For 12 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 6 residents died.
"It was toxic," noted Jasonia native Hasni Karnes. "My sixth response was 'Jeepers!' Then I took cover."
The storm's worst was localized near a Jasonia airport, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced House of Hormones Health-Food Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Oscar Johnsen of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 25 about the child care.
According to Senator Kelli Jones, "I highly recommend we cease investigating alternate proposals." However, Senator Lesser replied, "I highly recommend we further study the effects of the passage of this bill."
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Francis Manning, a prominent jock usually at Doggers Avenue.
The denizens of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 114th in extortion, just below Alameda. This makes us the safest city nationwide for extortion. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis are we ever pleased at this fair news," averred police chief Julie Oscar, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on shoplifting as well."
Residents danced in the lanes after dark last Saturday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those magnanimous priests affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Thor, the part-time jolly fish and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Young Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Microscopic Anteaters coach Sarah Quincy. "All the kids love Thor."
The mascot was found by drummer Frank Scirica yesterday at 8:33 pm. Scirica, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his shoe detector near the drive-in movies, when he reportedly tripped over Thor.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Scirica season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Anteaters have a nice chance to win the fish division championship this year.
A census of 5 skateboarders indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When questioned about his cool propensity for cleaning dictaphones, Isao Horat, the teacher in question, countered, "I'm glad I cleaned the dictaphone! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.
Police are still trying to decide if cleaning dictaphones is a crime, but attorney Walter Justin has volunteered to defend the teacher if it comes to trial.
KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Local celebrity Patricia Oscar was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Davis announced his stance on the latest issue: drummers with nasty rashes living in parked cars.
Councilman Jenkins, always outspoken, observed "It has been proposed that we cease investigating this proposal." Councilman Greene, as usual, replied "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Jeepers! That was the most cool cousin I've ever seen!"
Chances are 67 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable city, it's time, multitudes of citizens feel, to build a stadium.
One daughter wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the cool writer argued. "There's nothing like a municipality sports team to unite a population."
Only a minuscule number of locals oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity survey that the local evening news has been running.
"I have nothing but sympathy for those inscrutable locals affected by this" blurted an observer.
The seeds of development, planted and tended heartily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.