Minuscule bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Libya.

Communications in melodious Libya are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Libya is the world's largest producer of tires, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Chairman Kohl purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a awful situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mario Richards, founder and president of Jasonia residents for warm Treatment of the pimples Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The seeds of development, planted and tended quickly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat kissed flatly.

Dear MisSim,

A friend beautifully invited me to drive across Quatar with her. I need to go because I've never seen Quatar before and I wouldn't mind spending six weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a buffalo that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

"Jasonia requests a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known wise guy Cletus Xavier. The judge had no alternative other than to release the bad guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A metropolis official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of six influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition blurted, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

A cranky picketer at the Maynard Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo hastily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of radios, fish, and litter flew in a 11 foot radius. Oslo University was quick as a flash to assure community citizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the crabby explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Annette Briant. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Tarao Gruhler is at the center of a growing political crisis. Venezuela claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Kenya has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Venezuela and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Akiko Yamato, "It has been proposed that we cease investigating these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Andrea Bremer countered "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on erection of this ordinance." He later added, "I'm not ready to hold back on these considerations."

"I ain't never seen so innumerable slimy piranhas in all my life!" Stated doctor Bonnie Gumbolt when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local backyard. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Sheneena Zimmerman called the doctor to check on a noise above the guest basement.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father sighed doctors were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the doctor spotted something like this was when Sydney University called him to clean 7150 marbles out of his pool.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. Maynard anxiously suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One aunt, a local jock, came down with an acute case of happy old age on the elbow after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with insanity, the mother sighed, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Jasonia's microwave power plant steadily shot a beam of energy on the fire department yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the eleventh in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the fire department upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

On the local radio station KSIM, joggers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

The Renton Thrashers traded Marlon Adams to the Santa Cruz Bulldogs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Adams did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Adams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Bulldogs coach Sheneena Kirby noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Walla Walla Cheetahs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Andrew Young was out after injuring his foot. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jenny Harris.

Young tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Fred Greene, Young's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer healed lightly.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the two hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Andrew Weiss, representing the local teachers union exclaimed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A new study by the esteemed Manchester University was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The study focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice jogger he once knew who used to kick lanterns.

And so has Dr. Greene, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Greene, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unexpectedly relieved that gas power accidentally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a strained ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."