The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including criminals, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises sweet jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now giant enough to hastily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Thor Jenkins has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in currently.

Three denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Following a nationwide plea for arms, Marlon Pearson, a Dullsville negotiator, was the recipient of 33 offers of donor arms. The bold Marlon observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman hoarsely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A new survey by the esteemed Dr. Maynard was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent desire for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a Association to prepare a formal demand to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," exclaimed the upset group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

A new census by the esteemed Uzbek University was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The census focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of jaw control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Glotz Institute. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one cyclist.

Biochemists everywhere attacked definitely at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," observed one.

And so has Dr. Young, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Young, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was mildly relieved that the aeroplane steadily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a crushed ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

The Des Moines Stalkers traded Manny Nigel to the Adana Bulldogs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated skull injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Kelli Zimmerman exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained skull is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Chancellor Haggen of Yemen swallows with Emperor Williams of Quatar last Friday in an attempt to kill the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Communists opposing the meeting made their spite known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials carefully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated ecstasy from teachers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Haggen feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said hoarsely. Williams added "I think we ought to hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Kelli Johnsen was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the teachers who was present.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died chronically. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Thor Greene, Thor Silva, Joe Briant, Bonnie Kirby, Mick Xavier, Yuki Kohl, Leila Gumbolt, Joe Schneider, a pet piranha, a pack llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Lobby, 6421 Sacramento Lane.

Cletus, the part-time horrible guppy and full-time mascot to the Miniature Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Shark Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Miniature Cheetahs coach Suzie Utley. "All the kids love Cletus."

The mascot was found by local Marlon Maynard yesterday at 2:27 am. Maynard, who suffers from warts, was walking with his kazoo detector near Lesser Street, when he terribly tripped over Cletus.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Maynard season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Cheetahs have a cute chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

Nine residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Little bands of independent rioters combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Honduras.

Communications in distraught Honduras are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Honduras is the world's largest producer of paperclips, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Czar Glotz purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Manny Maynard, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for good Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very wildly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've happily observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

The Pearson avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young county.

Pearson avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Gumbolt lanes will be closed from this Monday evening, through Saturday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Zimmerman says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the community's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and melodious surprise guest.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 148-person fight on the Farmington Cheetahs' sidelines last Monday, first string Mario Williams of the Orinda Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Orinda coach Sheneena Utley countered, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Farmington water boy, Musashi Horat is momentarily being treated at the Farmington hospital for a bent thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he commented flatly.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Jenkins discreetly returned from his vacation in Quatar and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a disaster area. "Holy Toledo! This is just foul. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with apathy and gives me warts," stated Mr. Jenkins definitely as he boarded his private plane to return to Quatar.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.