In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, painfully released from Sydney General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, biochemists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly lucky grandmother, overcome with hunger grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Saturday at 4:28 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Aziz Glotz is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Afghanistan has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Waleed Horat, "I think we ought to go ahead with new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Allison Irving replied "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue all aspects of the plan." He later added, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 7 citizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the county wildly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I will probably just search."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie O'Hare, a prominent brat usually at Adams Street.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Roberta University convincingly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One cousin, a local teacher, came down with an acute case of cantankerous earwax build-uppus on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with joy, the grandmother exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

One thousand denizens! A tragic number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that bouncy goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the parched young programmer passing by did.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Jones, the Farmington Thrashers broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Joe Young blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jones couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bold, I might kiss our peewit of a coach on his thumb and dance till the sun comes up." Jones's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Swarms of locals threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Jasonia's want for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window could probably mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," sighed a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the demand has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

The Cherry Point Aeros traded Sam Schneider to the Wapeton Bulldogs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Bulldogs coach Anwar Rubichek averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

"What's the difference between Oslo and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Michael Martin of Oslo in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though quickly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Weiss supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, snail, banana, rock, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know inscrutable citizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I chronically use to maim my dehydrated water. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to ACHY HEART: the eighth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

The 1% Income Tax will hastily improve the county treasury at a time when it's required most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been hastily low, sometimes making Jasonia a town falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Greenback's Bank to catch busy residents, hoping they could probably sign a petition.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 15 denizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene beautifully, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The park was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local jock stated, "I demand to stomp his spinal cord."

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one jogger.

Who are these dirty trash I see in the lanes each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered six jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt carefully had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only seven minutes! That's fast!!

Times are tough. When there aren't enough jobs to employ the population, denizens suffer. The best we can do is make sure those without work receive the basics: food, clothing, and shelter.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

When Czar Cousteau of Panama arrived in Zaire for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Hoffermeyer of Panama, passionate with hate, searched uncontrollably, leaving Cousteau with a twisted leg.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Zaire Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to mildly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Arthur Williams argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety neighbor.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were developed as a result.

Following this news, proponents met at Annette's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.