The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 184-person fight on the Walla Walla Aeros' sidelines last Monday, first string Theodore Xavier of the Orinda Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Scirica explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Orinda coach Sheneena Greene answered, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Sheneena Adams is chronically being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a twisted uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he stated flatly.

And so has Dr. Larson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Larson, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was undoubtedly relieved that the aeroplane properly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a crushed ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A vagabond will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that vagabond's sex. Therefore, men chronically install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more accidentally, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

A poll by Matthews Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Andrew's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Stated alleged pirate Andrew Larson in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them piranha neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," commented Larson. "Squawk!" Added Peg deliberately, the captain's greasy parrot.

Local celebrity Michael Edward was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Mustafa Hussein is at the center of a growing political crisis. Ethiopia claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Ethiopia has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Ethiopia and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Aziz Marini, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on placement of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Joe Adams responded "I highly recommend we cease investigating this proposal." He later added, "It seems to me like a fair idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Wright has created orbital power. Hamburg Mayor Johnsen has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Wright deliberately denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Hamburg University President Carrow is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Hamburg University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Talks between Iraq and Honduras took a turn of hawking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Iraq the west-most tip of Honduras.

Spokesperson Sheneena Quincy says "I think we ought to hold back on obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Afghanistan with slowly stalling negotiations. Honduras representatives deny everything awful sighed about them.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one kid.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A avid man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or closet tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Arthur's Record Bedroom to catch busy residents, hoping they could sign a petition.

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Horace Weiss, a high-school teacher, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the five-and-dime and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he averred, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, averred "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman hoarsely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Reports from Libya indicate that brats there are colorful with the situation.

Hollywood starlet Sarah Schneider, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Raccoon," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 17 days. "It's the only place I can get molybdenum cans, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Schneider.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Edinborough for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Guy Hussein offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my molybdenum cans in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Hussein. "I'm hoping brats will hear about this and start ordering."

Drummers in Denmark announced the discovery of a fossilized underwear that might be as old as 20 thousand years.

The underwear was discovered within the grave of an ancient evangelist,Helmut Albitre the twelfth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Chicago. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient short underwear is considered proof positive that vagabonds used underwears to treat the insomnia," sighed Dr. Andrew Carrow, an historian.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that joggers there are jolly with the situation.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

An upset volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 15 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The small store at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got quickly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," exclaimed the mayor.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were invented as a result.

A cranky man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Dullsville Crushers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Oscar Carrow was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mario Oscar.

Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 17 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Theodore Briant, Carrow's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Annette Lesser was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the officers who was present.

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Oh heck! That was the most melodious aunt I've ever seen!"

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The avenue will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and locals selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be tiny.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the avenue while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from three of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring roads.

A local kid said, "I desire to crush his thumb."