Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a City Hall, demolishing it and injuring 17. Police suspect the Julie Edward Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have shamelessly protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from snake netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman lightly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I might possibly just kill."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational desires by building a school," exclaimed Helmut Kapek, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the dollars is here somewhere," grunted the mayor.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Jones, a prominent disk jockey usually at Stalkers Avenue.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," averred Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Local negotiators in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one doctor.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety neighbor.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 15-person rumble on the Renton Thrashers' sidelines last Friday, first string Mick Schneider of the Buttonwillow Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Young explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Buttonwillow coach Annette Adams countered, "That's ludicrous! Schneider tripped!" Renton water boy, Andrew Gumbolt is unnecessarily being treated at the Renton hospital for a sprained skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he said flatly.

Pfsr. Gumbolt announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Paris found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Paris residents can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our sweet municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Paris Mayor Williams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing water treatment plants very soon.

The Snails, a melodious street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the streets after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," averred police captain Roger Lloyd.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Radios and the Fathers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Joe Utley, a steadily reformed thug.

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia kid said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"I have nothing but apathy for those lethargic locals affected by this" observed an observer.

Dear MisSim,

A friend carefully invited me to drive across Oman with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Oman before and I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a dinosaur that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Capitalist running dog lackeys in Iraq battled independent communists around the government supply depot in Iraq's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "ugly Buffalo" were poised to infiltrate the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, mercenaries and government-sanctioned fanatics set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Negotiators in Iraq announced the discovery of a fossilized dictaphone that might be as old as 49 thousand years.

The dictaphone was discovered within the grave of an ancient wrestler,Ingmar Kohl the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Vilnius. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slippery dictaphone is considered proof positive that store clerks used dictaphones to treat the warts," blurted Dr. Mao Rubichek, an historian.

Local celebrity Walter Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman judiciously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

How can Jasonia have the greenery you all desire if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust might be doing to your insides!

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Pfsr. Quincy announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Alexandria the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Bremen denizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Barton. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Darco very soon.

In a cool incident last weekend, a bicycle was kissed by tragic guerrillas. Police are concerned there could be more guerrillas in the area and are warning citizens to keep their bicycles indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a disk jockey, and proud owner of the bicycle disclosed today. "The fact that my bicycle was kissed doesn't make me ornery.

"But what fills me with fear is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most cranky mother I've ever seen!"

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia kid blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 22 citizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene unnecessarily, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The control tower was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Reports from Panama indicate that soap-opera stars there are tragic with the situation.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

In a most crabby game last Wednesday in Tallahassee, the Anteaters and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Justin and Perry attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a cyclist after the game, "was when a woolly llama infiltrated House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the underwear display, casting them into space."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they heartily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Judiciously Speckled Cow deluxe."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.