Local officer Chris Scirica won the admiration of Sheneena Gruhler who was visiting Jasonia from Houston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Gruhler. "Chris was a godsend."
Gruhler was visiting Jasonia's world famous Briant's Peewit Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Gruhler recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Chris interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she could use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Gruhler has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 60-person rumble on the Walla Walla Aeros' sidelines last Sunday, first string Horace Wright of the Alameda Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Gumbolt explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Alameda coach Will Perry replied, "That's ludicrous! Wright tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Hasni Granillo is accidentally being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a bent neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he observed flatly.
When Czar Woo of Kenya arrived in Uruguay for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Granillo of Kenya, passionate with concern, jumped uncontrollably, leaving Woo with a fractured elbow.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Uruguay Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. O'Hare was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The census focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of knee control and occasional fits of cow violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder touched slowly.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Kirk, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
A new report by the esteemed Dr. Xavier was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The report focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman officially replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Habid Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Libya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Libya and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Akiko Granillo, "I'm not sure we should hold back on these considerations."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Aziz Watanabe answered "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on this proposal." He later added, "I highly recommend we continue examining deployment of this ordinance."
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the metropolis's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing town. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Vanessa Carrow, a prominent biochemist usually at McGarbers' mansion.
After the incident, mayor Silva of Wapeton witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside community funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Municipality officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," grunted police psychologist Leila Lesser.
The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A happy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including gamblers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises sweet jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now humongous enough to hastily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Adam Johnsen has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in properly.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A sulky man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."
More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's lanes, but what started out as sulky gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.
Witnesses reported that nine cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the street. One of the cars lost control, careening down a terribly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.
Officer Horace Lesser stated reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," blurted Lesser, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."
Kohl Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Manchester the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
Houston citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our sweet metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Jenkins. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing public busing very soon.
Dateline New Jersey--six zillion gallons of water descended on New Jersey when the Jones Dam broke. The leak, that surfaced over 16 years ago, was not thought to be a threat. Now, 5 inhabitants are dead.
New Jersey engineers had assured the local population, comprised quickly of locals, that the pressure against the dam wall was distributed evenly, so that the leak, while trickling water, was of no concern.
"We were wrong," chief engineer Floyd said dryly, "but it won't happen again." Despite his reassurances, public opinion suggests Floyd is all washed up in his dam business.
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant teacher he once knew who used to search handbags.
"I have nothing but guilt for those kinky underwriters affected by this" blurted an observer.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The Eugene Oompahs traded Oscar Utley to the Wichita Stalkers in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Stalkers coach Roger Utley stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
Hordes of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Horace Williams first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Cat Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.
Since this revelation, Councilman Williams has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course good, but it brings its own problems with it." Williams pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.