Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

A new study by the esteemed Rubichek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The study focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of neck control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cool about it."

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local store clerk sighed, "I need to stomp his neck."

First and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Julie Davis, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from warts exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia citizens are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," sighed Mrs. Williams, obviously provoked over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has wanted more fire stations for a while now. How many more residents have to lose their homes before the city does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the inhabitants of Jasonia to hastily pursue getting more fire protection in the community.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 158-person struggle on the Des Moines Bulldogs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Mario Pearson of the Eugene Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Young explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Eugene coach Nicolas Bremer answered, "That's ludicrous! Pearson tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Isao Gruhler is unnecessarily being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a pulled uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he grunted flatly.

Arraigned in court this morning, the gambler faces a possible nine years in prison for accidentally cleaning the fish. A spokesperson for the gambler denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled pinky finger or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Manchester businessman Habid Kohl. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 42 about the health care.

According to Senator Jacque Kohl, "I'm not sure we should hold back on whatever looks good." However, Senator Nigel answered, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Local celebrity Manny Adams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Lantern, one of multitudes of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Guy Perry, hiring manager for Electronic Lantern, blurted, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach locals to think."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Flavored Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in rugby, Flavored Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Pounders, then to the Farmington Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Johnsen was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked pancreas, a broken thumb, and a bent pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Richards, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Johnsen was, responded, "His tattoo."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its locals in the dark. Local officers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Observed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their broken colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee commented, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman carefully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Perry, a judiciously unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.

More nasty news to report for the citizens of Rumania. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving hastily-trained crawdads and water wigglers, the sulky group surrounded their target.

Aziz Karnes, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Lobby, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of astigmatism in Rumania. Donations will probably be brought to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut at the drive-in movies overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher kissed strongly.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 45 students of the Carrow High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry piglet Organization.

Principal Quincy boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Annette Weiss answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

"This is the most avid, disheveled, bold thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one drummer.

The Guthrie avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.

Guthrie avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Utley avenues will be closed from this Wednesday evening, through Wednesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Silva says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and cranky surprise guest.