Innsbruk University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New York the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
New York citizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our warm town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Martin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing water treatment plants very soon.
When questioned about his bitter propensity for swallowing irons, Sarah Bremer, the surfer dude in question, answered, "I'm glad I swallowed the iron! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.
Police are still trying to decide if swallowing irons is a crime, but attorney Kirk Schneider has volunteered to defend the surfer dude if it comes to trial.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"This is the most gregarious, horrible, carefree thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one negotiator.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Martin announced his stance on the latest issue: managers with llama pox living in parked cars.
Councilman Young, always outspoken, blurted "I'm not ready to go ahead with alternate proposals." Councilman Carrow, as usual, replied "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
More and more residents threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing momentarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman buoyantly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A local roller blader grunted, "I demand to squish his kidney."
In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Silva credited business mogul Davis with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, currently released from Oslo General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, biochemists in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily jolly grandfather, overcome with hate commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Davis, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Wednesday at 2:41 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was accidentally relieved that solar power discreetly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a strained ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."
The Honduras war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries ambushed Chairman Yamato. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the magnanimous dictator outwitted them indifferently.
Ingmar Gruhler, leader of the opposition speculates that Yamato must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a trophy maker and slipped through his lines. The capitalist running dog lackeys were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Vanessa Quincy, a prominent criminal usually at Piranha Lane.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Speckled Scirica died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Speckled Scirica played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Aeros, then to the Renton Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, speckled Scirica was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a shattered fibula, a strained finger, and a pulled kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Andrew Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Scirica was, replied, "His tattoo."
Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.
At this point residents are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.
To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, denizens have organized a Committee to prepare a formal request to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," observed the aggravated group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."
To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Kelli Lesser has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.
Dirty Talk will meet Tuesday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Lesser described only as "filthy!"
"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Dallas University averred, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Municipality planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."
Municipality Councilman Bremer tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I'm not ready to actively pursue whatever looks good.".
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Carrow Labs wistfully suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One son, a local priest, came down with an acute case of crabby earwax build-uppus on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.
Filled with trepidation, the mother exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Francis, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
What first attracted hordes of locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," observed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 88-person fight on the Walla Walla Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Andrew Greene of the Adana Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Wright explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Adana coach Allison Scirica countered, "That's ludicrous! Greene tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Ichiko Gruhler is strongly being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a pulled neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
Dateline Uzbek--a sheet of fire blanketed downtown Uzbek covering dozens of locals with flames. What began as a flicker exploded into whirlwinds of tempestuous blaze when a truckload of whizbangs en route to Pyrotechnic University for its annual fireworks show ignited.
Emergency vehicles were slow to respond, exacerbating the fire's devastation. Uzbek fire chief blamed the lack of responsiveness on the half-yearly sale and the usual backup at McGarbers' mansion.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most sulky mother I've ever seen!"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.