The seeds of development, planted and tended unexpectedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 92 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Waleed Haslam, "It seems to me like a good idea to continue examining whatever looks good." However, Senator Pearson responded, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to go ahead with these considerations."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Actively Ugly Dog deluxe."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Local celebrity Allison Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Fred Barton for the Utley Committee stated "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Guy Manning, on the other hand, noted "I highly recommend we hold back on obscure ordinances."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational desires by building a school," observed Sue Ellen Verner, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," grunted the mayor.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 163-person fight on the Walla Walla Pounders' sidelines last Friday, first string Don Jones of the Walla Walla Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Walla Walla coach Mario Irving responded, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Kelli Thomas is unexpectedly being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a strained skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he averred flatly.

Dateline Alexandria--three zillion gallons of water descended on Alexandria when the Guthrie Dam broke. The leak, that surfaced over 4 years ago, was not thought to be a threat. Now, 10 citizens are dead.

Alexandria engineers had assured the local population, comprised carefully of picketers, that the pressure against the dam wall was distributed evenly, so that the leak, while trickling water, was of no concern.

"We were wrong," chief engineer Verner observed dryly, "but it won't happen again." Despite his reassurances, public opinion suggests Verner is all washed up in his dam business.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.

Many denizens threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Yuki Glotz, a prominent manager usually at 4th and Main.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who request to be educated here!" Stated one.

The Teachers Committee spokesperson, Sheneena Taylor sighed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Committee spokesperson role observed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Dog-attackers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of dog-attacking jobs. "I've been attacking dogs for years. My father was a dog-attacker, so were my neighbor and uncle. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Schneider met with protesters and industry officials. "Dog-attacking is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these attackers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," noted one neighbor who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the neighbor noted with anxiety, "I might have to sell my underwear that I love judiciously."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or stairwell tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia citizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

A report of 22 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A survey of 91 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local vagabonds in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Council voted permanently to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise strongly requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman finally replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Thomas, a undoubtedly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Darco.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Sadat Institute unexpectedly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One uncle, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of distraught stress on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with trepidation, the mother exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A local will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that local's sex. Therefore, men currently place the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more allegedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Dr. Maynard announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Leningrad residents can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our good community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Justin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying highways very soon.

In a most inscrutable game last Tuesday in Tallahassee, the Pounders and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Barton sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and Nigel kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a cyclist after the game, "was when a spitting llama shelled The Pig Hut upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."