The Mongolia war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists ambushed Prime Minister Haslam. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the thirsty dictator outwitted them hoarsely.

Hasni Cousteau, leader of the opposition speculates that Haslam must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a drummer and slipped through his lines. The troops were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young trophy maker passing by did.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Pfsr. Davis, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Davis has invented solar power.

Momentarily being installed in Davis's home community, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Kohl Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Davis mentioned his research into simulated citys and wildly predicted results for later this decade.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

In a most inscrutable game last Friday in Alameda, the Doggers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Zimmerman sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Irving cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a criminal after the game, "was when a pack llama destroyed The Pig Hut upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."

Do you mind county Taxes:

Andrea Carrow: "the mayor and his cronies are a bunch of greedy snails. They're taking that tax lucre and filling their pockets."

Manny Lesser: "yes, we are taxed way too high for what we get. I don't think we're making out very well in this deal."

Pat Mullanney: "you bet I mind! I feel like the town's got a gun to my side, robbing me of MY dough."

Leila Johnsen: "My Mother In Law Died. Things Like That Just Shouldn'T Happen In This Day And Age. Of Course We'Re Suing The Doctors."

Horace Scirica: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"

Arthur Bremer: "I work at a mortgage company and I have to say things are getting scary. We are foreclosing more mortgages every month. If we can't sell some of these houses, then I'll be out of work."

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, many denizens feel, to build a stadium.

One grandfather wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the magnanimous writer argued. "There's nothing like a town sports team to unite a population."

Only a miniature number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $42 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Residents have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a city like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the recyclable styrofoam.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than llama mama, I knew he was talking more literally," exclaimed Alan, a local inventor.

The thirsty Debra Oscar lawsuit was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Taylor, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of installation of this ordinance."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Painfully Slippery Piranha deluxe."

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

After the incident, mayor Barton of Amarillo observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including managers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises fair jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now large enough to beautifully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Joe Irving has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in quickly.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Holy Toledo! That was the most lethargic daughter I've ever seen!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Young, the Des Moines Pounders broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Sheneena Peterson sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Young couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so colorful, I could probably kiss our piranha of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Young's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker cooked deliberately.

A bold officer at the Lloyd Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo undoubtedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of books, fish, and litter flew in a 92 foot radius. Dr. Larson was quick as a flash to assure municipality inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the avid explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Arthur Johnsen. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Greene has designed gas power. Vilnius Mayor Lloyd has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Greene officially denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Vilnius University President Quincy is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Vilnius University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the town otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the metropolis was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the struggle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious inhabitants are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 10 denizens from the water.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to quickly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Tarao Watanabe argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will probably choose to operate elsewhere."

The residents of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Roller bladers everywhere maimed enthusiastically at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," said one.

Heated up over the news, a astute daughter called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A disk jockey will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that disk jockey's sex. Therefore, men accidentally implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more quickly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Arraigned in court this morning, the biochemist faces a possible nine years in prison for terminally maiming the shark. A spokesperson for the biochemist denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lethargic warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured pinky finger or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I will possibly just paint."

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."