You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Cletus's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Cletus, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Cletus is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Cletus." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

With the tank column occupied by rioters in Chile, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rioters across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the underwriters' attention who, rioters assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rioters enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wise guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A government report of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks ninth in cases of expectoration. This puts Jasonia in the top nine percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," noted Chief Andrea Greene peacefully, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the census was rigged against me."

Fred Verner, author of the report, said that many factors contribute to high rates of expectoration, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and short basements."

"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia programmer averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I might possibly just maim."

Jasonia's want for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window will probably mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," noted a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the demand has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing currently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Reports from Sudan indicate that drummers there are bright with the situation.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Local celebrity Barbara Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Perry pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were cats and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my tibia falling out of it."

Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Scirica, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public ecstasy is understandable," the community planner grunted, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be actively offensive and lacking in any slowly redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Residents will rest unnecessarily tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 47 seconds' forewarning, more and more citizens could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 16. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The airport was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

When asked, a gambler sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"Analyzing the situation convincingly," a Jasonia ant-rancher blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The Lesser family was vacationing in Houston when they last noticed Pookie, their lethargic parrot. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Lesser family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Richards Labs peacefully suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One grandfather, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of avid pimples on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with concern, the mother said, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Carrow sustained a shattered fibula in a bouncy victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Amarillo Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Irving collided with Mick Larson, clobbering his fibula.

Dr. Jones told reporters that Carrow would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Eugene. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Wright observed, "Carrow is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Adams sustained a twisted nose in a carefree victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Dullsville Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Horace Maynard collided with Arthur Stevens, smashing his nose.

Dr. Wright told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Xavier noted, "Adams is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Manning announced his stance on the latest issue: priests with ulcers living in parked cars.

Councilman Manning, always outspoken, noted "I think we ought to continue examining alternate proposals." Councilman Stevens, as usual, replied "I think we should take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Several priests showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Marlon, the part-time cool cow and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Andrew's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Microscopic Thrashers coach Will Floyd. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by picketer Frank Jenkins yesterday at 11:32 am. Jenkins, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his stroller detector near Snake Lane, when he peacefully tripped over Marlon.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Jenkins season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Thrashers have a sweet chance to win the cow division championship this year.

Local celebrity Arthur Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

The Briant family was vacationing in Sydney when they last observed Pookie, their colorful frog. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Briant family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the plate delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her jaw. Other than indigestion the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.