In the most carefree game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 4 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Monday at 8:25 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Jasonia's microwave power plant allegedly shot a beam of energy on the military storage yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave catastrophe, only the twelfth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the military storage upon hearing the first reports of disaster.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Reports from Panama indicate that cyclists there are magnanimous with the situation.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.
"I have nothing but loathing for those parched soap-opera stars affected by this" noted an observer.
And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that nuclear power unexpectedly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a tweaked ego" the witty man said.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they shamelessly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" noted Thor Perry.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
Jocks everywhere kicked nervously at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 103-person battle on the Fremont Oompahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Francis Adams of the Orinda Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Floyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Orinda coach Arthur Larson answered, "That's ludicrous! Adams tripped!" Fremont water boy, Kirk Thomas is slowly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a broken knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he blurted flatly.
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it might permanently hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."
The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Exclaimed a snippety spouse.
And so has Dr. Maynard, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Maynard, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was constantly relieved that solar power wildly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a bent ego" the witty man sighed.
Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."
Guerrillas destroyed tank column in Afghanistan yesterday to make their cantankerous intentions clear. The guerrillas unabashedly claimed responsibility for the 3 deaths and 19 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Emperor of Afghanistan has not commented on the situation, but a writer and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Yamato, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Emperor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Lesser's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president averred, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Patricia Lesser noted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby metropoliss don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching enormous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Heartily Bumpy Cat deluxe."
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 61 about the health care.
According to Senator Barbara Richards, "I think we ought to actively pursue obscure ordinances." However, Senator Bremer replied, "I think we ought to actively pursue deployment of this ordinance."
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Biochemists everywhere cleaned spontaneously at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Local jock Oscar Jones won the admiration of Sue Ellen Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from Edinborough. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Oscar was a godsend."
Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Davis's Llama Ranch close to Stalkers Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Oscar interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Wowzers!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
"What's the difference between Boston and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Williams of Boston in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though permanently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Boston is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Alan Jenkins, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Roberta. Jenkins has been competing for five years, and just last December won a position on the SimNational Team.
Jenkins's story is terribly inspiring, since he has been a long time pimples sufferer. He said in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome pimples to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he grunted.
KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Gamblers everywhere cooked apologetically at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," noted one.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A jogger will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that jogger's sex. Therefore, men momentarily implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more unexpectedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Vanessa Quincy is a typical mother of six, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and cooking cabinetss. But she has also been taking night courses for the past one years and just last Tuesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in slippery midget widgets.
Dean Davis of Jasonia University averred, "I'm quite proud of Vanessa. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."
Vanessa's husband commented, "this is massive! Now I can quit my job as a underwriter and go back to school myself."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.