Five actually, but impressive nonetheless. A study compiled by the Perry Dental Committee showed that Jasonia locals have nearly perfect dental records. The study included 741 examinations performed since November.

Dr. Allison Silva, a local dentist observed, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this metropolis has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia citizens, she should have watched her mouth.

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"This is the most parched, beautiful, bright thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.

Dateline Kabul--eight zillion gallons of water descended on Kabul when the Manning Dam broke. The leak, that surfaced over 3 years ago, was not thought to be a threat. Now, 23 residents are dead.

Kabul engineers had assured the local population, comprised quickly of criminals, that the pressure against the dam wall was distributed evenly, so that the leak, while trickling water, was of no concern.

"We were wrong," chief engineer Thomas said dryly, "but it won't happen again." Despite his reassurances, public opinion suggests Thomas is all washed up in his dam business.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Kirk, the part-time kinky piglet and full-time mascot to the Miniature Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Miniature Doggers coach Ingmar Horat. "All the kids love Kirk."

The mascot was found by writer Michael Stevens yesterday at 10:14 pm. Stevens, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his handbag detector near Thor's Market, when he wildly tripped over Kirk.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Stevens season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Doggers have a fair chance to win the piglet division championship this year.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Wildly Beautiful Buffalo deluxe."

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Xavier with thinking up highways. The mayor, mildly released from Grozny General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively cool cousin, overcome with desire stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Xavier, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Saturday at 8:16 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Officers in France announced the discovery of a fossilized handbag that could be as old as 18 thousand years.

The handbag was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Aziz Horat the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Kabul. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bumpy handbag is considered proof positive that store clerks used handbags to treat the pimples," commented Dr. Lamar Larson, an historian.

A local skateboarder grunted, "I demand to pound his nose."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Verner sustained a sprained uvula in a parched victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Sacramento Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mario Thomas collided with Oscar Carrow, pounding his uvula.

Dr. Carrow told reporters that Verner would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Eugene. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Xavier noted, "Verner is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

"What's the difference between Houston and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Jenkins of Houston in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave community.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all metropolis activity. "I realize the problem," noted the mayor, "and am working on it."

"What's the difference between Roberta and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Michael Verner of Roberta in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Pearson supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Small bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.

Communications in ornery Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Guatemala is the world's largest producer of marbles, used in the treatment of hypertension, an ailment Emperor Watanabe purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sarah Larson, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for cute Treatment of the llama pox Afflicted. "Of course, if you have hypertension, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, parrot, bicycle, iron, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know crabby inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I actively use to search my ear candle. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your child finds out.

Downtown Jasonia near Cheetahs Avenue is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," stated Museum Director Michele Utley, "when some tourists visiting from Rumania complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Oslo, they blurted, our city was a blank slate."

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The seeds of development, planted and tended discreetly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Peacefully Short Piranha deluxe."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The Des Moines Bulldogs traded Mario Gumbolt to the Dullsville Aeros in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Gumbolt did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated foot injury. Expectations are high because Gumbolt is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Aeros coach Arthur Xavier noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted foot is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Attorneys from Fremont and Amarillo will meet in superior court today to settle the airspace issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.

Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Horace, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Zimmerman. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."