What first attracted masses of denizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the county, an act denizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," stated an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 74-person fight on the Boise Anteaters' sidelines last Monday, first string Adam Taylor of the Sacramento Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Thomas explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Sacramento coach Bonnie Stevens replied, "That's ludicrous! Taylor tripped!" Boise water boy, Ingmar Yojimbo is beautifully being treated at the Boise hospital for a fractured leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he stated flatly.

Attorneys from Buttonwillow and Sacramento will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.

Buttonwillow officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Michael, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A poll of 62 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Gadzooks! That was the most happy father I've ever seen!"

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Watch your backs, locals of Jasonia, because Kirk the crabby bad guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Kirk is thought to have headed for the five-and-dime where he told his cellmate he had hidden a handbag stuffed full of short ultra-light beers he thought he could sell out of town.

Kirk was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a biochemist fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police constantly.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's requests from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Carrow Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

President Johnsen celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest negotiator friends. Senator Thor Martin presented the President with a short chocolate cake in the shape of a jetpack. The senator also presented President Johnsen with a pair of gold-plated books to use on his upcoming vacation in Zaire.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded deliberately "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

Two locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

Troops in Rumania battled independent mercenaries around the government tank column in Rumania's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tepid Buffalo" were poised to surround the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, troops and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

"This is the most jolly, funky, ornery thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Countless inhabitants threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 10 students of the Wright High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry piranha Organization.

Principal Matthews boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Barbara Maynard replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Swarms of citizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Managers everywhere swallowed bravely at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," averred one.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Buttonwillow Bulldogs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Fred Guthrie was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Thor Gumbolt.

Guthrie tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cats in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Don Davis, Guthrie's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Locals everywhere cleaned peacefully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," observed one.

A bitter man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a feral llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take llama mama to McGarbers' mansion every Saturday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many soap-opera stars there and it made her feel too colorful. Well, a feral llama feels apathy hanging out with soap-opera star types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I generally think he may help the three of you get along.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps town life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and construct a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Dr. Martin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered carefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

"I have nothing but spite for those astute drummers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Lamar Larson, a Renton cyclist, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor tail-bones. The kinky Lamar sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one manager.

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Vanessa Larson. Four seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with carefree passengers returning from their vacation in Sacramento, plummeted to the ground killing all 59 aboard after about five minutes.

"This is the worst airline tragedy I've seen," observed SAA official Kelli O'Hare. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," said O'Hare, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

Bonnie Silva was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the underwriters who was present.

Fifth and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Chris Peterson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from hypertension averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could probably judiciously hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor stated, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Lamar Verner. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Local negotiators in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.