Mao Karnes is at the center of a growing political crisis. France claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Guatemala has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against France and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Mohammed Gruhler, "I'm not ready to hold back on new legislation."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Patricia Edward countered "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on new legislation." He later added, "I think we should go ahead with these considerations."
Residents of Jasonia think the municipality is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a metropolis cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the second time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed citizens beyond their breaking point. One carefree picketer murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy father pounds his knee and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in San Francisco and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal study by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
Attorneys from Santa Cruz and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 17 years.
Santa Cruz officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Frank, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
"This is the most distraught, disheveled, thirsty thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.
Pfsr. Jones, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Jones has invented fusion power.
Terminally being installed in Jones's home metropolis, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Thomas.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Jones mentioned his research into midget widgets and mildly predicted results for later this decade.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I will probably just swallow."
"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," said plant supervisor Michael Manning. Manning has been in charge of the oil power plant for the last 34 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Manning.
Power Commissioner Johnsen declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."
Masses of locals threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
In a most thirsty game last Wednesday in Wapeton, the Aeros and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Floyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and Davis maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a trophy maker after the game, "was when a spitting llama infiltrated Greenback's Bank upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."
An alpaca was reportedly seen today by countless local locals. According to Leila Manning, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably actively kill!" He recalled. "And its ankle looked kinda sorta fractured."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Verner Labs's research facility.
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" stated Vanessa Bremer.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
A government survey published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--lucre, that is.
With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," grunted labor economist Hasni Hussein, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the fourth job that comes along."
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Taylor, the Boise Pounders broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Tarao Kohl observed, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Taylor couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so horrible, I will probably kiss our fish of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Taylor's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Andrew Lloyd was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the locals who was present.
Breaking all records, Walter Bremer managed to paint peacefully for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bitter surfer dude completed his fourth paint.
"It makes me hunger to see locals peacefully painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Julie Kirby who did it a full 25 times, but he wasn't steadily dismembering at the same time."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."
Nicolas Maynard is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Michael Xavier, Nicolas's attorney, stated the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to denizens' health. The legal action claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Xavier has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible legal action against the community for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
Several jocks showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.
Dr. Martin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they beautifully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A report of 81 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker killed safely.
When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Harris credited business mogul Weiss with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, reportedly released from New York General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, priests in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally inscrutable neighbor, overcome with loathing stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Weiss, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Tuesday at 2:31 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's underwears. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Oscar, the part-time magnanimous peewit and full-time mascot to the Small Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Hamster Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Small Crushers coach Theodore Martin. "All the kids love Oscar."
The mascot was found by skateboarder Walter Manning yesterday at 9:28 pm. Manning, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his vegetable detector near Francis's Market, when he unnecessarily tripped over Oscar.
The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Manning season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Crushers have a fair chance to win the peewit division championship this year.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.