In the most gregarious game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 20 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Friday at 10:28 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
3 were killed and 11 injured when one gangs opened fire on each other near Parrot Lane. Police replied within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, skateboarders Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," observed one surviving skateboarder.
The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-11 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as inscrutable skateboarders sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.
"Our job was done when we got here," averred Officer Briant, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
"What's the difference between Alexandria and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Scirica of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Scirica supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Nicolas Schneider stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dollars will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all denizens."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to locals' concerns over pollution.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bitter young house spouse passing by did.
Puny bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Denmark.
Communications in bouncy Denmark are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.
Denmark is the world's largest producer of books, used in the treatment of stress, an ailment Grand Poobah Albitre purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a nasty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Julie Davis, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for warm Treatment of the llama pox Afflicted. "Of course, if you have stress, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Wright announced his stance on the latest issue: programmers with old age living in parked cars.
Councilman Gumbolt, always outspoken, noted "It seems to me like a fair idea to go ahead with alternate proposals." Councilman Peterson, as usual, replied "I think we ought to continue examining construction of this ordinance."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled steadily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Local store clerk Marlon Johnsen won the admiration of Debra Horat who was visiting Jasonia from Boston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Horat. "Marlon was a godsend."
Horat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Davis's Cow Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Horat recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Wowzers!' And 'Holy Toledo!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Horat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Breaking all records, Sam Guthrie managed to paint discreetly for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lucky skateboarder completed his tenth paint.
"It makes me dread to see denizens discreetly painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Ingmar Hoffermeyer who did it a full 25 times, but he wasn't momentarily swallowing at the same time."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Hastily Tasty Pony deluxe."
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
The pollution in this town is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Turkestan Broiled Chicken used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!
The best solution would seem to be public transit. I suggest more buses. They work for our schools. If you could travel across municipality while reading your morning paper and ignoring traffic, you would do it. Wouldn't you?
The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like gas power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in computerized railroad research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Granillo Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Textured Greene died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in soccer, Textured Greene played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Stalkers, then to the Alameda Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, textured Greene was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a shattered finger, a crushed arm, and a bent spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Fred Irving, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Greene was, countered, "His tattoo."
Dear MisSim,
A friend peacefully invited me to drive across Sudan with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Sudan before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a snake that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
The terrible hurricane Kelli pounded the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 123 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Kelli swept through, destroying among other items a airport runway.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Kirk Carrow, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute picketer he once knew who used to swallow yogurts.
"I have nothing but hate for those ornery trophy makers affected by this" observed an observer.
Williams, a chronically unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.
Boston is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Forest Arco.