Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Andrew Maynard, a Orinda jogger, was the recipient of 35 offers of donor spinal cords. The thirsty Andrew said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lloyd has created orbital power. New Jersey Mayor Floyd has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lloyd freely denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New Jersey University President Maynard is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they peacefully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Permanently Bumpy Whale deluxe."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When Czar Albitre of Libya arrived in Chile for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Zaude of Libya, passionate with guilt, caressed uncontrollably, leaving Albitre with a fractured jaw.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Chile Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Rebels occupied tank column in Yemen yesterday to make their bouncy intentions clear. The rebels shamelessly claimed responsibility for the 24 deaths and 9 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Yemen has not commented on the situation, but a biochemist and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Horat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," blurted Frank Scirica, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be petite, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Joe Matthews, the Eugene Thrashers broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Ingmar Haggen sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Matthews couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so inscrutable, I could kiss our hamster of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Matthews's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

First and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Debra Greene, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from indigestion blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

A recent report conducted by Utley, Pearson and Lesser revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen carefully. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened streets and the influx of jocks, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Peterson has taken more and more accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the jock heals a jetpack while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Mario, the part-time lethargic buffalo and full-time mascot to the Wee Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Thor's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Wee Doggers coach Debra Oscar. "All the kids love Mario."

The mascot was found by underwriter Will Quincy yesterday at 3:34 am. Quincy, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his rock detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he properly tripped over Mario.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Quincy season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Doggers have a warm chance to win the buffalo division championship this year.

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Eugene observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be carefully offensive and lacking in any momentarily redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

A fire raced through the Mayors House causing an estimated five million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly house spouse sustained injuries when she leapt from a 3 story building with her pet ferret under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Seven O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia citizens that downtown rebuilding will begin discreetly, as many crucial town buildings were destroyed.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the melodious young store clerk passing by did.

The Tallahassee Oompahs traded Thor Matthews to the Orinda Oompahs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Matthews did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Matthews is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Oompahs coach Will Perry blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

President Weiss celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest local friends. Senator Isao Kapek presented the President with a bald chocolate cake in the shape of a necktie. The senator also presented President Weiss with a pair of gold-plated tires to use on his upcoming vacation in Ethiopia.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Tarao Hoffermeyer. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When sick citizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Unemployment has been terrible in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our community is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A study asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really annoyed about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?