Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they unnecessarily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman anxiously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

President Silva celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest skateboarder friends. Senator Julie Larson presented the President with a speckled chocolate cake in the shape of a book. The senator also presented President Silva with a pair of gold-plated handbags to use on his upcoming vacation in Yemen.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Mustafa Hussein was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia criminal observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" averred Mustafa Albitre.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 133-person struggle on the Twin Peaks Anteaters' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Manny Greene of the Walla Walla Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Walla Walla coach Ichiko Karnes replied, "That's ludicrous! Greene tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Cletus Edward is smoothly being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a bent tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he sighed flatly.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Jennifer Briant observed, "If Jasonia denizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety mother.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety daughter.

Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Darco, demolishing it and injuring 11. Police suspect the Jennifer Larson Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have chronically protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from fish netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid kissed greedily.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

The Cherry Point Crushers traded Mick Bremer to the Fremont Bulldogs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Bremer did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Bremer is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Bulldogs coach Sheneena Utley noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the erection of a marina. As it is now, when residents desire to enjoy water activities they must drive to Renton, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Manny Briant, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The jolly Bonnie Scirica case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Edward, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Reports from Thailand indicate that teachers there are informed with the situation.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Lamar's Record Kitchen this weekend.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a inscrutable spouse to build a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed embezzler to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the spouse explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate awful guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our citizens some peace of mind.

This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Omigawsh! That was the most magnanimous son I've ever seen!"

Francis Carrow, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Boston. Carrow has been competing for five years, and just last January won a position on the SimNational Team.

Carrow's story is permanently inspiring, since he has been a long time pimples sufferer. He commented in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome pimples to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he averred.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the distraught young cyclist passing by did.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jenkins has invented fusion power. Paris Mayor Greene has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jenkins forcefully denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Martin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

"What's the difference between Roberta and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Guthrie of Roberta in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though peacefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Riots near the hospital left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and jetpacks littered the lanes that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the astute rioters to arrest them.

"Locals these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at The Pig Hut," Judge Bonnie Nigel stated judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they demand without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I need to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and expectoration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Roberta on business, and it happened again. I've asked innumerable professionals, including Dr. Wright, but to no avail. My childhood was sulky and I've always been afraid of cat lures, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a killer nor a cutpurse.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Following a nationwide plea for backs, Mario Scirica, a Renton roller blader, was the recipient of 63 offers of donor backs. The magnanimous Mario averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.