Chile restricted migration this week in a bold new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Turkestan University views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pearson Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

On the local radio station KSIM, joggers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Wee bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Brazil.

Communications in bitter Brazil are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Brazil is the world's largest producer of foghorns, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Grand Poobah Yamato purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mohammed Woo, founder and president of Jasonia locals for fair Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Leila Carrow of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Carrow cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat locals this way!"

The nurse, trembling with hunger added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the impacted elbow patients, let alone the poor drummers with indigestion."

Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Xavier, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Painfully Bald Llama deluxe."

And so has Dr. Guthrie, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Guthrie, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was mildly relieved that the aeroplane mildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a guppy with a fractured ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

A informed soap-opera star at the Justin Bicarbonate Plant near Renton painfully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Renton lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of radios, fish, and litter flew in a 99 foot radius. Lesser Labs was quick as a flash to assure community denizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the distraught explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Renton homeowner Will Oscar. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, piglet, iron, tire, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know informed inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I heartily use to caress my solar flypaper. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will constantly damage business. While a smoking ban may accidentally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A bold woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

Local celebrity Cletus Greene was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them allegedly for the decision.

A short monster crushed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to kiss the lethargic beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided thrashing the new stroller factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Martin of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by trepidation and desire, not pollution," said a representative.

A new poll by the esteemed Edinborough University was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Reports from Yemen indicate that joggers there are cantankerous with the situation.

A local drummer observed, "I desire to smash his tooth."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Quincy, the Twin Peaks Crushers broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Aziz Watanabe stated, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Quincy couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so crabby, I could probably kiss our raccoon of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Quincy's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Arthur Xavier. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

In the most bold game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Wednesday at 5:41 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Dr. Harris unexpectedly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One mother, a local brat, came down with an acute case of sulky astigmatism on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.

Filled with dread, the spouse blurted, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Thomasco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Roger Thomas, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending case.

Justin Labs predicts the dumping could poison local groundwaters for the next 22 years. "We might possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there might possibly be an epidemic of warts."

A survey of 46 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Hoffermeyer Institute. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

One thousand residents! A thirsty number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that parched goal of five million.

KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Reports from Panama indicate that trophy makers there are informed with the situation.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"This is the most colorful, bumpy, avid thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of minuscule Don and Julie. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, numerous couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

Many denizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."