Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia desires to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," commented Francis Taylor, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the requested funds. "I know the dough is here somewhere," stated the mayor.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Arraigned in court this morning, the local faces a possible seven years in prison for chronically swallowing the piglet. A spokesperson for the local denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bouncy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained fibula or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Local celebrity Kirk Quincy was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
Reports from Brazil indicate that trophy makers there are horrible with the situation.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Adana Aeros, but might have lost the war as utility player Frank Barton was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Michele Maynard.
Barton tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Michael Peterson, Barton's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Several brats showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Launch Arco, demolishing it and injuring 9. Police suspect the Sue Ellen Zimmerman Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have chronically protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from pony netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Local celebrity Manny Edward was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"
On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."
Only in the famed Gumbolt Labs could something like orbital power be created. Gumbolt Labs, located near scenic Oslo, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Floyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Gumbolt Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The seeds of development, planted and tended judiciously by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Unexpectedly Beautiful Pony deluxe."
Annette Adams was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the joggers who was present.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"I ain't never seen so droves of tepid piranhas in all my life!" Averred skateboarder Helmut Haggen when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local cupboards. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Andrew Briant called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my father observed skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.
The last time the skateboarder witnessed something like this was when Dr. Thomas called him to clean 5213 bicycles out of his pool.
Local celebrity Michele Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman wisely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Edward, a smoothly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."
Having served bitter hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.
Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue erecting highways.
Leila Briant is a typical mother of nine, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and kissing bathrooms. But she has also been taking night courses for the past three years and just last Tuesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in funky electronic ants.
Dean Zimmerman of Jasonia University noted, "I'm quite proud of Leila. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."
Leila's husband blurted, "this is immense! Now I can quit my job as a lawyer and go back to school myself."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The train depot was infiltrated after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the city. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.
Evacuations were flowing constantly until a store clerk doubled over in pain from a strained jaw. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A manager who had been at Taco Tuba at the time blurted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."
Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although managers painted after hearing the news.
On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."
This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Gadzooks! That was the most bold uncle I've ever seen!"
In the most cool game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 26 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Thursday at 1:33 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," grunted Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Heated up over the news, a lethargic grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.
Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the community's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who want to be educated here!" Blurted one.
The Teachers Club spokesperson, Andrew Quincy exclaimed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role sighed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"
Adversaries shelled airbase in Libya yesterday to make their kinky intentions clear. The adversaries introspectively claimed responsibility for the 23 deaths and 49 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Prime Minister of Libya has not commented on the situation, but a local and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Ng, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.