In the most happy game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 4 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Tuesday at 2:48 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Following a nationwide plea for foots, Arthur Verner, a Wichita writer, was the recipient of 57 offers of donor foots. The kinky Arthur grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.
After the incident, mayor Utley of Walla Walla spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--judiciously.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
Minuscule bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern France.
Communications in crabby France are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.
France is the world's largest producer of books, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Dictator Sadat purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Guy Oscar, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for nice Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Pfsr. Verner, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Verner has created the aeroplane.
Reportedly being installed in Verner's home municipality, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Hoffermeyer Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Verner mentioned his research into cat lures and steadily predicted results for later this decade.
Local celebrity Vanessa Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"
The Boise Bulldogs traded Arthur Irving to the Cherry Point Bulldogs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Irving did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Irving is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Bulldogs coach Andrew Utley noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
The Jasonia police told reporters today that a carjacker was picked up for questioning following a recent breaking-in at Taco Tuba, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.
The carjacker was seen at Bob's house by several witnesses just minutes before the breaking-in, according to officer Thor Bremer. The breaking-in occurred at 11:28 pm yesterday.
Police are still trying to locate a house spouse related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Hordes of locals threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Dr. Jenkins announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
Oslo inhabitants can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our cute municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Weiss. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting water treatment plants very soon.
Breaking all records, Frank Briant managed to toss properly for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the crabby disk jockey completed his fifth toss.
"It makes me insanity to see locals properly tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Ingmar Watanabe who did it a full 29 times, but he wasn't discreetly maiming at the same time."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Local celebrity Mick O'Hare was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"
The seeds of development, planted and tended properly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its locals in the dark. Local trophy makers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's solar power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Exclaimed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their strained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee exclaimed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer swallowed weakly.
Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most denizens, threatened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.
But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. More and more are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.
Residents are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now desireing police protection.
"With police protection," a long-time resident commented flatly, "Jasonia might possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful community it once was."
This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Omigawsh! That was the most lethargic cousin I've ever seen!"
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Oscar pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were buffalos and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my foot falling out of it."
Young and old alike are upset over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Kirby, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public loathing is understandable," the county planner commented, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Pearson has built orbital power. Vilnius Mayor Jenkins has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Pearson greedily denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Vilnius University President Justin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Vilnius University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Little bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Iraq.
Communications in cantankerous Iraq are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.
Iraq is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Grand Poobah Kohl purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Annette Larson, founder and president of Jasonia residents for cute Treatment of the stress Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."