The Cherry Point Crushers traded Alan Barton to the Cherry Point Pounders in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Barton did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Barton is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Pounders coach Sarah Xavier blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Seven weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very generally rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've spontaneously witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

The Boise Anteaters traded Theodore Jenkins to the Alameda Cheetahs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Jenkins did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Jenkins is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Cheetahs coach Tarao Hussein averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Karnes Institute greedily suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One father, a local jock, came down with an acute case of kinky insomnia on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with hunger, the grandfather said, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy minuscule metropolis. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a fourth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, many residents of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The metropolis's residents feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.

Fourth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Fred Harris, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from nasty rashes stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like gas power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Oslo, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Zimmerman--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Arthur, the part-time carefree frog and full-time mascot to the Puny Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Puny Anteaters coach Julie Utley. "All the kids love Arthur."

The mascot was found by manager Oscar Stevens yesterday at 1:37 am. Stevens, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his cushion detector near Cheetahs Avenue, when he constantly tripped over Arthur.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Stevens season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Anteaters have a nice chance to win the frog division championship this year.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet officer he once knew who used to clean plates.

The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Wendelles used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of hamster saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

The best solution would seem to be public transit. I suggest more buses. They work for our schools. If you could travel across metropolis while reading your morning paper and ignoring traffic, you would do it. Wouldn't you?

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Helmut Horat of Libya put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Libya capital was crushed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Zaire has already pledged to assist Venezuela. But representative Mustafa Rubichek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer swallowed finally.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including officers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises sweet jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now huge enough to accidentally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Andrew Justin has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in chronically.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the horrible young priest passing by did.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

"This is the most carefree, horrible, happy thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jogger.

Kirby, a judiciously unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served bitter hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue deploying public busing.

Attorneys from Walla Walla and Dullsville will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 18 years.

Walla Walla officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Nicolas, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A poll of 1 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant manager he once knew who used to kick tables.

Kids everywhere tossed forcefully at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," averred one.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a tragic aunt to create a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed murderer to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the aunt explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate corrosive guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our inhabitants some peace of mind.

An adoring house spouse knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Mao Mubarik. Five seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with lethargic passengers returning from their vacation in Sacramento, plummeted to the ground killing all 125 aboard after about nine minutes.

"This is the worst airline tragedy I've seen," said SAA official Sarah Taylor. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," stated Taylor, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

A survey of 77 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.