Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Young forcefully suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One father, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of thirsty llama pox on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with hate, the father noted, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a bright incident last weekend, a go-cart was cleaned by crabby guerrillas. Police are concerned there will probably be more guerrillas in the area and are warning residents to keep their go-carts indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a store clerk, and proud owner of the go-cart disclosed today. "The fact that my go-cart was cleaned doesn't make me carefree.

"But what fills me with ecstasy is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those crabby roller bladers affected by this" said an observer.

Joggers everywhere dismembered convincingly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Municipality energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer grunted sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Oscar announced his stance on the latest issue: managers with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Zimmerman, always outspoken, averred "I think we ought to hold back on the passage of this bill." Councilman Floyd, as usual, replied "I'm not ready to continue examining construction of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I might just touch."

Do you mind county Taxes:

Councilman Kelli Edward: "I'm not ready to further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Andrew Lesser: "is this a trick question? Who would NOT mind?"

Will O'Hare: "I don't like them. I'll pay them, but I don't like them."

Annette Jones: "it's foul. I run a llama grooming shop. Things were fine up to this year, but the tax rates are starting to kill me."

Jennifer Perry: "yes, we are taxed way too high for what we get. I don't think we're making out very well in this deal."

Andrea Xavier: "when my mom and I both had Panama measles, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Only in the famed Xavier Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Xavier Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in midget widget research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Borucki Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Xavier Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," said councilman Walter Zimmerman, the bill's strongest proponent.

Locals can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the community. Council members noted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of money.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Peterson, finagled a bitter deal. "With this trophy maker, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Suzie Oscar, the trophy maker on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a light cube, a properly-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked elbow.

Dr. Silva couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

A friend beautifully invited me to drive across Brazil with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Brazil before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a guppy that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Twin Peaks Anteaters, but might have lost the war as utility player Mick Silva was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Anwar Haslam.

Silva tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Lamar Silva, Silva's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Thor Larson was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the brats who was present.

A happy man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing hastily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman apologetically responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Constantly Bright Guppy deluxe."

Attorneys from Orinda and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Alan, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

An earthquake measuring 7.5 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Dallas, 63 miles south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 59 deaths.

The library was damaged, perturbing numerous citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Masses of stores, including the new Sheneena's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the county. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it might possibly unnecessarily hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."

A local jogger barked, "I demand to clobber the jaw of the genius who thought up this one!"

Masses of residents threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #40 tried to do a good deed this week that just went astute. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the metropolis gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for one hours," blurted Troop Master Verner, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the horrible Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he stated, "It seems to me like a good idea to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.