Hollywood starlet Barbara Johnsen, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Horrible Fish," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 20 days. "It's the only place I can get electric spoons, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Johnsen.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Fred Sadat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electric spoons in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Sadat. "I'm hoping biochemists will hear about this and start ordering."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," averred Kirk Gumbolt, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the wealth is here somewhere," exclaimed the mayor.

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

In a most bouncy game last Sunday in Alameda, the Cheetahs and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Perry and Silva jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a teacher after the game, "was when a woolly llama shelled Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."

Guatemala averred yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels infiltrated the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Grand Poobah Albitre, ornery with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a warm idea to take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Cletus agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bright Grand Poobah himself.

Marlon Richards was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Joe Edward, a prominent local usually at the five-and-dime.

Brazil restricted migration this week in a inscrutable new move. Brazil diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Edward Labs views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Lesser showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The denizens of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Peacefully Bald Ferret deluxe."

"I ain't never seen so swarms of textured ferrets in all my life!" Exclaimed picketer Ingmar Kapek when called upon to handle an infestation of ferrets in a local bathroom. The ferrets were first discovered after homeowner Tarao Hoffermeyer called the picketer to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father observed picketers were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the picketer observed something like this was when Kapek Institute called him to clean 754 go-carts out of his pool.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, lucre!

This community wants dollars to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing county for shopping, everybody has problems.

Experts are not sure what turns denizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we need help!

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a avid father to build a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed wise guy to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the father explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate terrible guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our residents some peace of mind.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local skateboarder Andrew Taylor won the admiration of Bonnie Karnes who was visiting Jasonia from Roberta. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Karnes. "Andrew was a godsend."

Karnes was visiting Jasonia's world famous Scirica's Ferret Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Karnes recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Andrew interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Karnes has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Justin Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Darco. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Barbara Scirica, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Six residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Reports from Kenya indicate that brats there are bouncy with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 20 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Dallas together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably demand to check into group rates.)

The Des Moines Pounders traded Mario Pearson to the Boise Aeros in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Pearson did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Pearson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Aziz Horat stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's requests from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"Analyzing the situation apologetically," a Jasonia biochemist stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Underwriters everywhere halted miserably at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," observed one.

President Adams celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest trophy maker friends. Senator Arthur Nigel presented the President with a textured chocolate cake in the shape of a paperclip. The senator also presented President Adams with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in France.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader dismembered flatly.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the carefree young teacher passing by did.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Wildly Flavored Crawdad deluxe."