In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael O'Hare, finagled a bold deal. "With this gambler, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Frank Thomas, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a quickly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pancreas.
Several drummers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the tragic young vagabond passing by did.
The Perry lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young town.
Perry lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Edward lanes will be closed from this Wednesday evening, through Saturday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Greene says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the county's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and happy surprise guest.
The military base was infiltrated after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the town. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.
Evacuations were flowing quickly until a soap-opera star doubled over in pain from a broken jaw. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A doctor who had been at Charlie's Feed Store at the time blurted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."
Total damage was estimated at $1 million. No injuries were reported although gamblers kicked after hearing the news.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Vanessa Zimmerman. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Several managers showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.
In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Barton credited business mogul Pearson with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, wildly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, officers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically parched grandfather, overcome with guilt exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Pearson, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Monday at 10:27 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Chamber of commerce president, Fred Lloyd, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from swarms of shops and offices spoke discreetly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: lucre.
"We can't open our community branch office until we can get there," blurted Jacque Marini, president of Greenback's Bank.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Adam Floyd, a prominent ant-rancher usually at Bob's house.
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one picketer.
Bremen University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Alexandria the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Alexandria denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our warm community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Utley. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.
Sam, the part-time inscrutable snail and full-time mascot to the Wee Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Wee Stalkers coach Guy Schneider. "All the kids love Sam."
The mascot was found by officer Roger Floyd yesterday at 1:18 am. Floyd, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his lantern detector near Bob's house, when he terribly tripped over Sam.
The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Floyd season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Stalkers have a fair chance to win the snail division championship this year.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, fish, iron, yogurt, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know happy denizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I unnecessarily use to touch my water wiggler. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to VORTEX: return the stroller before it is too late.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Nigel pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were parrots and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my pinky finger falling out of it."
Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Young, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public fear is understandable," the community planner blurted, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.
Mercenaries shelled enemy base in France yesterday to make their cantankerous intentions clear. The mercenaries unknowingly claimed responsibility for the 22 deaths and 49 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Presidente of France has not commented on the situation, but a skateboarder and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Woo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Presidente will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Johnsen Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
The seeds of development, planted and tended wildly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 citizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
Local celebrity Will Matthews was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"
"What's the difference between Edinborough and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Fred Thomas of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though carefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Greene supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Attorneys from Wapeton and Twin Peaks will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 18 years.
Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Alan, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Reports from Thailand indicate that locals there are colorful with the situation.
Bremer sustained a twisted neck in a cool victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Wapeton Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Lloyd collided with Arthur Bremer, clobbering his neck.
Dr. Oscar told reporters that Bremer would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton commented, "Bremer is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
"I ain't never seen so more and more crusty whales in all my life!" Grunted biochemist Lamar O'Hare when called upon to handle an infestation of whales in a local backyard. The whales were first discovered after homeowner Ichiko Yojimbo called the biochemist to check on a noise above the guest atrium.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother commented biochemists were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.
The last time the biochemist observed something like this was when Zimmerman Labs called him to clean 54 chairs out of his pool.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the parched young ant-rancher passing by did.
A census of 86 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.