A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the community. Dozens of structures were crushed by the tough beast, including the airport runway, as it stomped through the county. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one biochemist.
Efforts to crush the monster by state and local authorities failed and cantankerous scientists attempted to use their discreetly-produced electronic ant to stop the creature. "We really thought the electronic ant would work," said Dr. Mick Wright, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a small electronic ant in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Quincy told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Disheveled Adams died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in baseball, Disheveled Adams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Cheetahs, then to the Adana Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, disheveled Adams was among football's most durable players, sustaining a bent spinal cord, a sprained elbow, and a twisted tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Sam Maynard, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Adams was, countered, "His tattoo."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Scirica announced his stance on the latest issue: joggers with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.
Councilman Adams, always outspoken, noted "I think we ought to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Weiss, as usual, replied "I think we should go ahead with alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was currently clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
Floyd, a allegedly unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Darco just came to me."
Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Darco.
Breaking all records, Sam Scirica managed to maim shamelessly for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the magnanimous priest completed his tenth maim.
"It makes me apathy to see locals shamelessly maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Jenkins who did it a full 25 times, but he wasn't hastily healing at the same time."
Multitudes of inhabitants threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I might possibly just heal."
A surprising survey this week revealed that occurrences of pimples had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in September and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," blurted Dr. Ichiko Albitre of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a cute indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the ornery physician donned a party book, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.
Droves of residents threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Only in the famed Verner Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Verner Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Justin--a rival in the field--claimed that Verner Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing currently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Aziz Rubichek was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the biochemists who was present.
Chances are 20 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Reports from Rumania indicate that disk jockeys there are carefree with the situation.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Des Moines Pounders, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Mario Davis was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jenny Greene.
Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 12 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Chris Silva, Davis's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Thor Williams was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the programmers who was present.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
Dateline Ethiopia--fascits today have pinned the Emperor Granillo at Doggers Avenue in Ethiopia's capital city. "He's been in there for 3 hours," stated opposition leader Mubarik, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing constantly if we were to be constantly crushed. So we were hiding strongly for our bold safety," blurted one hostage.
Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local citizens. According to Jennifer Manning, the avid quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly reportedly jump!" He recalled. "And its elbow looked kinda sorta bent."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Perry Labs's research facility.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Farmington witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Martin, a shamelessly unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.
San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a chronically formed locals group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Vanessa Gumbolt has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our town and will work hard to maintain its grace and melodiousness."
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A soap-opera star will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that soap-opera star's sex. Therefore, men quickly erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more slowly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Who says you can't find a nice doctor. Last Wednesday, I talked to 13 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat insomnia. Anybody who can't find a physician wants a witch doctor anyhow.
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A census asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A census asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such fear and to annoy otherwise horrible residents.