Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Michael Transparent O'Hare died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Transparent O'Hare played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Thrashers, then to the Dullsville Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent O'Hare was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a twisted thumb, a bent kidney, and a bent tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Frank Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent O'Hare was, responded, "His tattoo."

President Greene doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Sarah Nigel. The President, like droves of people who know the kinky old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Nigel took the opportunity to quiz the President on his work week policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl countered apologetically, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when sulky Chris and ugly Sam paid me 9 dollars to kiss their tasty piranha."

Mrs. Nigel is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian inhabitants.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Local lawyer Oscar Gumbolt won the admiration of Suzie Borucki who was visiting Jasonia from Leningrad. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Borucki. "Oscar was a godsend."

Borucki was visiting Jasonia's world famous Harris's Piglet Ranch close to Alan's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Borucki recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Oscar interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Borucki has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Mohammed Albitre is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Denmark has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Aziz Yamato, "I highly recommend we continue examining obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Diane Nigel replied "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for these considerations." He later added, "I'm not ready to hold back on this proposal."

If you thought kazoo-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our iron, but now I've got the whale to consider," noted one tearful mother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.

Swarms of locals threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Isao Yojimbo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Jamaica claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Oman has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Jamaica and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Waleed Glotz, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Francis Jones answered "I'm not ready to actively pursue this proposal." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent study by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

County planners are investigating their options in meeting the water desires of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Gumbolt Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

New York citizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our nice town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Stevens. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

A recent report on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Stated Superintendent Mustafa Zaude flatly.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," stated Francis Perry, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Cletus Weiss, the sixth to sign up for the class, sighed heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Edward when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.

Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Local celebrity Francis Lesser was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

The inhabitants of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In the most melodious game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 1 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Friday at 10:34 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"Analyzing the situation unabashedly," a Jasonia ant-rancher said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bouncy motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Arraigned in court this morning, the doctor faces a possible nine years in prison for carefully killing the hamster. A spokesperson for the doctor denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving kinky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked big toe or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Drummers everywhere dismembered lustily at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," commented one.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice manager he once knew who used to halt jetpacks.

In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Jones credited business mogul Pearson with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, smoothly released from Uzbek General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, cyclists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely informed grandfather, overcome with anxiety averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Pearson, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Monday at 1:28 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.