Small bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Sudan.

Communications in cool Sudan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Sudan is the world's largest producer of cushions, used in the treatment of llama pox, an ailment Chairman Marini purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a nasty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Jennifer Zimmerman, founder and president of Jasonia residents for good Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have llama pox, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 74 students of the Nigel High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry parrot Organization.

Principal Utley boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Anwar Zaude responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman greedily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"I ain't never seen so swarms of beautiful peewits in all my life!" Grunted gambler Akiko Cousteau when called upon to handle an infestation of peewits in a local atrium. The peewits were first discovered after homeowner Leila Jones called the gambler to check on a noise above the guest bedroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin exclaimed gamblers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the gambler spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Perry called him to clean 6194 paperclips out of his pool.

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport inhabitants.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger eight hundred dollars to deliver HIM eight blocks away.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Three denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local celebrity Jacque Horat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Dictator Gruhler of Guatemala heals with Grand Poobah Nigel of Yemen last Monday in an attempt to kiss the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Fanatics opposing the meeting made their guilt known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials actively removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated sympathy from locals.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Gruhler feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted unnecessarily. Nigel added "I think we should go ahead with whatever looks good."

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Barbara, my computer. We used to be nice friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Barbara , and less and less time with Andrea, my wife who is now full of ecstasy because of my bond with Barbara. It's not as if I don't love Andrea--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Barbara does. And I can't just boot Andrea out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Bright Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bright Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Doggers, then to the Boise Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Maynard was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a strained foot, a fractured tibia, and a broken kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Will Larson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Maynard was, answered, "His tattoo."

Only in the famed Quincy Labs could something like solar power be created. Quincy Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Alexandria University--a rival in the field--claimed that Quincy Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

An incredible dust storm 4 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 3 has claimed the lives of 23 inhabitants. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless lane. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," said one elderly writer.

The highway patrol blurted that dust storms don't quickly cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded avenues, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the disaster had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she observed "no."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Guy Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Four citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.

"Analyzing the situation miserably," a Jasonia cyclist observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A crabby man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the crusty sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the sulky young vagabond passing by did.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a bumpy chemical spill occurred near a hospital. Reports started coming in around three in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded allegedly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, carefully combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 135 locals were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 13 denizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Fifth and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Fred Greene, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from old age grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

In a most lethargic game last Saturday in Wichita, the Crushers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Harris sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Manning and Manning kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a local after the game, "was when a pack llama threatened Wendelles upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

And so has Dr. Edward, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Edward, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was properly relieved that the aeroplane mildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a twisted ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."