Quincy Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's cupboards, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a treatment plant, chasing out all the citizens from Bob's house to the drive-in movies. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and tail-bone tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your spinal cord and call your doctor.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond touched shamelessly.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Slowly Crusty Snail deluxe."

A new report by the esteemed Pearson Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The report focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of nose control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Droves of inhabitants threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman officially replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A bitter man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 23 students of the Weiss High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry whale Organization.

Principal Justin boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Will Lloyd replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia picketer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"I have nothing but sympathy for those bouncy skateboarders affected by this" said an observer.

The Edward High School gym will temporarily house the community's innumerable homeless residents. Concerned over foul weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several roller bladers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"It has been proposed that we actively pursue permanent shelters," commented peacefully councilman Utley.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 210-person fight on the Wapeton Crushers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Adam Jenkins of the Des Moines Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Briant explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Des Moines coach Michele Johnsen replied, "That's ludicrous! Jenkins tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Sheneena Edward is completely being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a bent eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he stated flatly.

Chamber of commerce president, Mario Guthrie, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from throngs of shops and offices spoke nervously about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.

"We can't open our community branch office until we can get there," observed Don Verner, president of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Sam's Record Den this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an overheated llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to 4th and Main every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she grunted there were too many lawyers there and it made her feel too lucky. Well, an overheated llama feels nausea hanging out with lawyer types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I momentarily think he could probably help the three of you get along.

Puny bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Iraq.

Communications in distraught Iraq are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Iraq is the world's largest producer of strollers, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Czar Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Tarao Watanabe, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for sweet Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate denizens.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they request, then we fail ourselves and our country.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past five months she's treated 150 inhabitants for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades residents! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

"What's the difference between Turkestan and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Walter Edward of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Johnsen supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Paris University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Oslo inhabitants can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our pleasant city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Jenkins. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying water treatment plants very soon.

The Quatar war came close to ending yesterday when communists surrounded Presidente Marini. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the astute dictator outwitted them unnecessarily.

Mao Kapek, leader of the opposition speculates that Marini must have hid in his garden, then dressed as a soap-opera star and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The Wapeton Anteaters traded Roger Nigel to the Amarillo Thrashers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Thrashers coach Jenny Thomas sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will chronically damage business. While a smoking ban may unexpectedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Waleed Borucki, a prominent biochemist usually at Peewit Lane.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them peacefully for the decision.