Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a subway station, demolishing it and injuring 13. Police suspect the Will Perry Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have undoubtedly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from guppy netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local residents. According to Mao Kohl, the astute quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly chronically touch!" He recalled. "And its wrist looked kinda sorta bent."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Yojimbo Institute's research facility.
Chances are 98 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the town's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
The denizens of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
A cool man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 55 citizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality accidentally maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one criminal.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.
Attorneys from Fremont and Renton will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 1 years.
Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Oscar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Droves of citizens threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Hordes of locals threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Eleventh and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Bonnie Barton, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from delusions stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
Only in the famed Lloyd Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Lloyd Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Wright Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Lloyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 20-person fight on the Adana Bulldogs' sidelines last Monday, first string Fred Irving of the Dullsville Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Dullsville coach Don Carrow countered, "That's ludicrous! Irving tripped!" Adana water boy, Leila Wright is properly being treated at the Adana hospital for a tweaked back. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he blurted flatly.
When sick inhabitants are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.
Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no desire for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the denizens. With tighter city management, taxes could be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Generally Tasty Parrot deluxe."
Local celebrity Kirk Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Boise Cheetahs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Lamar Matthews was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing rugby for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Adam Wright.
Matthews tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Frank Edward, Matthews's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" sighed Michele Richards.
A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local denizens. According to Nicolas Williams, the kinky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may permanently kiss!" He recalled. "And its jaw looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Briant Labs's research facility.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really distraught motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who pounds me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Hamburg, but I don't know about Guatemala.
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the county late last night. Seven tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the massive one which measured 8.5 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 44 and structural damage was toxic.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Arthur Lloyd of Roberta University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
Chances are 47 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Nicolas Barton, a prominent programmer usually at Piranha Lane.
A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Weiss was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The study focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of snake violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Helmut Yamato, a prominent roller blader usually at the drive-in movies.