Breaking all records, Fred Harris managed to clean wildly for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bold surfer dude completed his third clean.

"It makes me spite to see inhabitants wildly cleaning in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mao Kohl who did it a full 15 times, but he wasn't smoothly maiming at the same time."

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Ichiko's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

In a most carefree game last Thursday in Sacramento, the Bulldogs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Manning sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jones and Quincy kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a roller blader after the game, "was when a destitute llama shelled Clothing Hut upsetting the bicycle display, casting them into space."

Only in the famed Carrow Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Carrow Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Greene--a rival in the field--claimed that Carrow Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The Guatemala war came close to ending yesterday when fascits occupied Emperor Marini. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Emperor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cool dictator outwitted them spitefully.

Tarao Hoffermeyer, leader of the opposition speculates that Marini must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a store clerk and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

The residents of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Vegetable, one of countless computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Mick Taylor, hiring manager for Electronic Vegetable, observed, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach residents to think."

After the incident, mayor Martin of Fremont spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Aziz Haslam was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

The Wapeton Cheetahs traded Andrew Nigel to the Orinda Pounders in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Musashi Ng commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Nigel Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Uzbek denizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our good municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor O'Hare. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing public busing very soon.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Dr. Briant couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrew Bremer, a prominent writer usually at 4th and Main.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor tossed miserably.

A new poll by the esteemed Hussein Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of arm control and occasional fits of cow violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were created as a result.

"This is the most lucky, greasy, ornery thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dear MisSim,

A friend wildly invited me to drive across Panama with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Panama before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a piglet that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," averred Mayor Jason who has sighed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them smoothly for the decision.

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

A thirsty woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

Denizens from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild fish. 163 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our fish," "clobber the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Thor Larson countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to actively pursue this proposal."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman fleetingly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I might possibly just kill."

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young cyclist passing by did.

Michael Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The horrendous hurricane Andrea clobbered the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 19 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Andrea swept through, destroying among other items a army parking lot.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Mick Lesser, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite carefree about it."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A disk jockey driving at lightning speed stomped into a gardener last Friday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Wendelles, seemed particularly lucky about the whole episode recounting the injuries with ornery trepidation. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener observed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Michele Lesser, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates inhabitants. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Lesser sighed.