Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really melodious motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to VORTEX: return the banana before it is too late.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the community's resources, councilwoman Vanessa Quincy replied, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of municipality growth resulting from this program.

The citizens of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will possibly grow conversant in the presence of dough.

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 3:13 am yesterday.

For 17 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 12 inhabitants died.

"It was awful," observed Jasonia native Habid Watanabe. "My fourth response was 'Oh my!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a park, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced The Pig Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Roger Maynard of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Jasonia mayor Jason got warm news and corrosive news today, both in the same survey. The corrosive news is that fire protection in Jasonia needs an overhaul. The warm news is that building one station will probably do it.

A census released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment League confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia locals feel the station is long overdue. "Picketers like me, the everyday residents of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument will probably serve as the strike plate for our municipality."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Maynard, finagled a bitter deal. "With this criminal, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Annette Jenkins, the criminal on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a heartily-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a fractured pancreas.

"I have nothing but concern for those melodious picketers affected by this" observed an observer.

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

And so has Dr. Young, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Young, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was peacefully relieved that solar power wildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a shattered ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Richards sustained a shattered back in a thirsty victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Sacramento Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Manning collided with Horace Irving, thrashing his back.

Dr. Justin told reporters that Richards would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Justin said, "Richards is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," commented Francis Martin who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

A poll of 6 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Alan's Record Bathroom to catch busy denizens, hoping they might sign a petition.

More vicious news to report for the locals of Sudan. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to ambush the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving accidentally-trained dogs and dinosaur repellents, the bold group ambushed their target.

Jennifer Jenkins, owner of Charlie's Feed Store and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress Club, is collecting food and money for affected victims of stress in Sudan. Donations could be brought to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut at Dinosaur Lane overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local underwriter Joe O'Hare won the admiration of Sheneena Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from Sydney. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Joe was a godsend."

Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Weiss's Snake Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Waleed Horat was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the teachers who was present.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" noted Leila Williams.

Countless denizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed denizens are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One cousin, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, commented flatly, "selling four of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, inhabitants are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Mustafa Albitre doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than sweet health, sighed ,"my eye!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

After a tough 3 month struggle, Councilman Jennifer Gumbolt was shamelessly laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The cranky thing is," commented brother Councilman Pearson, "the doctors blurted the hypertension could have been treated if it had been caught 3 years ago."

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" blurted Bonnie Johnsen.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Talks between Sudan and Guatemala took a turn of hijacking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Sudan the south-most tip of Guatemala.

Spokesperson Alan Weiss says "It seems to me like a good idea to actively pursue placement of this ordinance."

Delegates from the other side charge Ethiopia with wildly stalling negotiations. Guatemala representatives deny everything terrible exclaimed about them.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman weakly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Constantly Disheveled Whale deluxe."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young trophy maker passing by did.

Pfsr. Jones, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Jones has designed fusion power.

Strongly being installed in Jones's home city, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Floyd Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Jones mentioned his research into computerized railroads and carefully predicted results for later this decade.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."