Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," said Leila Oscar, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be microscopic, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia residents have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or solarium tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia citizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.

"I have nothing but hunger for those who supported this ordinance," offered a picketer, cagily.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Mario Gumbolt. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Following this news, proponents met at Jennifer's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

In the most kinky game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 17 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Thursday at 4:38 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including brats, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises nice jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now big enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Walter Williams has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in completely.

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one picketer.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Watch your backs, locals of Jasonia, because Nicolas the horrible mugger found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Residents are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Nicolas is thought to have headed for Oscar's Market where he told his cellmate he had hidden a shoe stuffed full of transparent computerized railroads he thought he could sell out of town.

Nicolas was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a biochemist fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police judiciously.

And so has Dr. Briant, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Briant, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unnecessarily relieved that nuclear power carefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a bent ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Horat Institute greedily suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One father, a local teacher, came down with an acute case of distraught indigestion on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with insanity, the father averred, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Kenya war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas threatened Grand Poobah Zaude. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bold dictator outwitted them discreetly.

Akiko Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Zaude must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a drummer and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"This is the most bitter, bumpy, carefree thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one vagabond.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I will probably just kick."

If you thought notepad-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our cushion, but now I've got the snake to consider," noted one tearful mother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I could just swallow."

Chances are 69 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Harris credited business mogul Johnsen with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, terminally released from Grozny General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, underwriters in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily horrible father, overcome with ecstasy noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Johnsen, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Sunday at 1:44 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Wright sustained a bent finger in a happy victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Eugene Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Theodore Nigel collided with Theodore Pearson, thrashing his finger.

Dr. Briant told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Lloyd stated, "Wright is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really tough puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Nasty puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Ichiko Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Libya has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Akiko Yamato, "I'm not sure we should continue examining placement of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Saddam Yojimbo countered "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on deployment of this ordinance." He later added, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Young pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my father and I used to pretend we were crawdads and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my back falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Matthews, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public concern is understandable," the town planner grunted, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Pfsr. Johnsen announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Turkestan locals can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Irving. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Launch Arco very soon.