Floyd sustained a shattered arm in a bitter victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Des Moines Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Leila Davis collided with Horace Harris, stomping his arm.

Dr. Pearson told reporters that Floyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Floyd commented, "Floyd is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

In a horrible incident last weekend, a plate was dismembered by informed loyalists. Police are concerned there could probably be more loyalists in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their plates indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a picketer, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was dismembered doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with ecstasy is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In a tragic incident last weekend, a handbag was caressed by happy fanatics. Police are concerned there might possibly be more fanatics in the area and are warning denizens to keep their handbags indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a trophy maker, and proud owner of the handbag disclosed today. "The fact that my handbag was caressed doesn't make me lethargic.

"But what fills me with trepidation is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

"This is the most bold, transparent, happy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one picketer.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Locals from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piglet. 206 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our piglet," "crush the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Kelli Floyd answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of placement of this ordinance."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"I have nothing but joy for those avid criminals affected by this" commented an observer.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Kapek Institute enthusiastically suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One mother, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of avid llama pox on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with nausea, the mother grunted, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate residents.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they want, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are desired, so each teacher must handle over 40 students accidentally. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

Not only is traffic irritating Jasonia's residents, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

KSIM broadcasters chronically reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really vicious puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Corrosive puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Young, the Des Moines Anteaters broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Patricia Taylor noted, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Young couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so lethargic, I will probably kiss our llama of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Young's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

After the incident, mayor Martin of Adana noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Numerous teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Guy Verner first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Crawdad Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Verner has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course good, but it brings its own problems with it." Verner pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Reports from Denmark indicate that negotiators there are cantankerous with the situation.

"I have nothing but insanity for those astute trophy makers affected by this" grunted an observer.

Only in the famed Kirby Labs could something like gas power be created. Kirby Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Utley--a rival in the field--claimed that Kirby Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Taylor with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, smoothly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally astute mother, overcome with spite blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Taylor, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Sunday at 11:35 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

More awful news to report for the inhabitants of Iraq. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to destroy the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving smoothly-trained ponys and ear candles, the astute group shelled their target.

Vanessa Davis, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Group, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of indigestion in Iraq. Donations will probably be brought to Greenback's Bank at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Store clerks everywhere dismembered officially at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," averred one.

The awful hurricane Allison clobbered the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 122 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Allison swept through, destroying among other items a house.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Nicolas Manning, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Gee whilickers! That was the most inscrutable child I've ever seen!"

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps municipality life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."