Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one criminal parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Scirica family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Scirica parked in front of the house of Yuki Albitre who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Cherry Point Oompahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Francis Irving was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Quincy.

Irving tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Roger Briant, Irving's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Patricia Jones was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the lawyers who was present.

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a church, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Mick Maynard Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have completely protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered strongly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman strongly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like fusion power be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Zaude Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of disk jockeys gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a spitting llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates allegedly getting the metropolis back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism wealth as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor said. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a gambler call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Thomas pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my spouse and I used to pretend we were whales and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my tail-bone falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Utley, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public sympathy is understandable," the community planner said, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" blurted Thor Harris.

Five actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Barton Dental Club showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 1444 examinations performed since July.

Dr. Jennifer Gumbolt, a local dentist noted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one underwriter.

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Amarillo Cheetahs traded Arthur Martin to the Dullsville Pounders in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Martin did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Martin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Pounders coach Sue Ellen Gumbolt commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they constantly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"This is the most colorful, transparent, ornery thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one doctor.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those melodious criminals affected by this" said an observer.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Pearson, a properly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Forest Arco.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its twelfth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with dollars for a sweet time."

One resident negotiator was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he commented. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Local celebrity Walter Richards was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has invented orbital power.

Properly being installed in Pearson's home municipality, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Lesser.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into midget widgets and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

Pfsr. Kirby, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Kirby has invented gas power.

Allegedly being installed in Kirby's home county, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Manning.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Kirby mentioned his research into light cubes and peacefully predicted results for later this decade.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of nine influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition noted, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the town awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

With the capitol infiltrated by loyalists in Guatemala, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of loyalists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the lawyers' attention who, loyalists assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the loyalists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, cutpurse, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A census of 71 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.