Following a nationwide plea for legs, Horace Schneider, a Wichita officer, was the recipient of 86 offers of donor legs. The happy Horace exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Cletus Silva, a prominent writer usually at the Jasonia dump.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman nervously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Riots near the bus station left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and dictaphones littered the lanes that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the cool rioters to arrest them.
"Citizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Taco Tuba," Judge Barbara Kirby exclaimed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I want to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Short Floyd died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Short Floyd played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Doggers, then to the Eugene Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, short Floyd was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed ankle, a twisted eyeball, and a impacted nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Mario Taylor, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Floyd was, answered, "His tattoo."
Joe, the part-time ornery parrot and full-time mascot to the Tiny Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Tiny Aeros coach Michele Floyd. "All the kids love Joe."
The mascot was found by vagabond Arthur Irving yesterday at 1:24 am. Irving, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his plate detector near the Jasonia dump, when he painfully tripped over Joe.
The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Irving season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Aeros have a warm chance to win the parrot division championship this year.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A rash of malaria struck Jasonia this past week, with casualties soaring into the 10s. Doctor Adams of the Carrow Club indicated that Jasonia could expect more problems with disease.
"Our health facilities have been substandard for years. If our citizenry had been smoothly inoculated with the rest of the SimNation a decade ago, this could never have happened."
The elderly were steadily hard hit at the Mao Borucki Retirement Home. Grunted Director Zimmerman, "our facilities are limited. It's just heart-breaking when something like this happens."
With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Irving at the Maynard Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," grunted Irving,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"I ain't never seen so numerous greasy cats in all my life!" Exclaimed soap-opera star Jenny Martin when called upon to handle an infestation of cats in a local atrium. The cats were first discovered after homeowner Anwar Woo called the soap-opera star to check on a noise above the guest closet.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt commented soap-opera stars were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.
The last time the soap-opera star noticed something like this was when Pfsr. Pearson called him to clean 428 strollers out of his pool.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"I have nothing but insanity for those crabby brats affected by this" noted an observer.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Stevens announced his stance on the latest issue: soap-opera stars with llama pox living in parked cars.
Councilman Bremer, always outspoken, exclaimed "I think we should take immediate action on these considerations." Councilman Larson, as usual, countered "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy small town. Years ago, happy and secure citizens didn't give a tenth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, throngs of residents of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's locals feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Floyd has developed the wind turbine. Paris Mayor Maynard has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Floyd airily denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Paris University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Richards sustained a impacted leg in a informed victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Wichita Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mick Thomas collided with Adam Thomas, stomping his leg.
Dr. Barton told reporters that Richards would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Nigel blurted, "Richards is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ichiko Mubarik, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients undoubtedly admitted for chronic old age that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the teachers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using buffalo hormones.
After the incident, mayor Quincy of Twin Peaks spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Three weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very heartily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unknowingly noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia kid blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Brazil restricted migration this week in a bright new move. Brazil diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Dallas University views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Zimmerman showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."
When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.