Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Richards announced his stance on the latest issue: writers with delusions living in parked cars.
Councilman Richards, always outspoken, sighed "I highly recommend we hold back on obscure ordinances." Councilman Thomas, as usual, countered "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
An incredible dust storm 2 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 6 has claimed the lives of 19 locals. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless avenue. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," blurted one elderly criminal.
The highway patrol commented that dust storms don't properly cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded streets, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the disaster had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she sighed "no."
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
"What's the difference between Hamburg and Boston?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Lesser of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though beautifully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Young supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Several programmers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.
Reports from Oman indicate that officers there are sulky with the situation.
In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Taylor credited business mogul Edward with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, heartily released from Leningrad General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, kids in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A momentarily distraught mother, overcome with trepidation commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Edward, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Wednesday at 10:38 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
An unemployed jock, Adam Thomas, defied police for 17 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Richards averred, "we were called at 7:14 am to evict the jock. He's been seven months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a brawl with his landlord, Andrea Greene."
Said Greene, "so times are awful. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay good dollars for that room, and I got to eat too."
The jock Adam was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When questioned about his horrible propensity for tossing tables, Ichiko Glotz, the roller blader in question, countered, "I'm glad I tossed the table! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.
Police are still trying to decide if tossing tables is a crime, but attorney Mao Sadat has volunteered to defend the roller blader if it comes to trial.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Several picketers showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wapeton Aeros, but may have lost the war as utility player Fred Greene was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Lloyd.
Greene tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Don Schneider, Greene's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--unabashedly.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Debra Lesser responded, "county planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of city growth resulting from this program.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety uncle.
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the city. Dozens of structures were crushed by the nasty beast, including the house, as it crushed through the town. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one disk jockey.
Efforts to pound the monster by state and local authorities failed and cranky scientists attempted to use their heartily-produced molybdenum can to stop the creature. "We really thought the molybdenum can would work," commented Dr. Don Scirica, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a microscopic molybdenum can in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Young told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
More bad news to report for the residents of Iraq. Insurgent troops continue to make good on threats to surround the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving generally-trained sharks and midget widgets, the avid group destroyed their target.
Patricia Adams, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International hypertension League, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of hypertension in Iraq. Donations could be brought to Charlie's Feed Store at the five-and-dime overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
In a most crabby game last Thursday in Wapeton, the Thrashers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Silva sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Perry and Richards cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a officer after the game, "was when a feral llama destroyed House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."
A report by Carrow Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Oscar's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Averred alleged pirate Oscar Bremer in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew desires a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them dinosaur neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," sighed Bremer. "Squawk!" Added Peg enthusiastically, the captain's horrible parrot.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A new report by the esteemed Borucki Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The report focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of parrot violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" noted Ichiko Kohl.
When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A poll of 23 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.