Inhabitants from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild raccoon. 109 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our raccoon," "thrash the Greedy," and "Leapin' lizards!"

Mayor Mustafa Hoffermeyer responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to actively pursue these considerations."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Larson sustained a sprained eyeball in a sulky victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Fremont Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sheneena Lesser collided with Alan Martin, clobbering his eyeball.

Dr. Weiss told reporters that Larson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Justin blurted, "Larson is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a town ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will heartily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety grandfather.

"Analyzing the situation freely," a Jasonia ant-rancher commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's requests from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Thor Greene. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Local celebrity Andrew Jenkins was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

Vanessa Scirica of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Scirica cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat locals this way!"

The nurse, trembling with malice added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the twisted eyeball patients, let alone the poor skateboarders with stress."

Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Justin, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ichiko Ng, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their underwear would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using fish hormones.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Seventh and Twelfth road, and even demolished a F-15. Authorities say that 110 citizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, seven local construction companies volunteered man hours to help residents rebuild.

Drummers everywhere halted discreetly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Weiss, a steadily unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Launch Arco.

Numerous teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Adam Utley first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Raccoon Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Utley has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course fair, but it brings its own problems with it." Utley pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

And so has Dr. O'Hare, the brain behind the invention. Dr. O'Hare, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was strongly relieved that the wind turbine constantly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a pulled ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Don Greasy Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Greasy Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Pounders, then to the Boise Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Perry was among football's most durable players, sustaining a bent jaw, a strained eyeball, and a strained skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Perry was, responded, "His tattoo."

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the third cleanest city nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Horace Peterson, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by county officials, industry, and denizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman shamelessly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Lamar Stevens, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their book would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using dog hormones.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

The Denmark war came close to ending yesterday when communists infiltrated Dictator Sadat. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the colorful dictator outwitted them forcefully.

Anwar Woo, leader of the opposition speculates that Sadat must have hid in his atrium, then dressed as a cyclist and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"This is the most thirsty, bumpy, astute thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one priest.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.