Adam, the part-time kinky piglet and full-time mascot to the Petite Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Fred's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Petite Stalkers coach Walter Jenkins. "All the kids love Adam."
The mascot was found by writer Sam Jones yesterday at 1:44 am. Jones, who suffers from warts, was walking with his cushion detector near Dinosaur Lane, when he discreetly tripped over Adam.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Jones season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Stalkers have a sweet chance to win the piglet division championship this year.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A new report by the esteemed New Jersey University was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The report focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Innsbruk Broiled Chicken this weekend.
This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Omigawsh! That was the most lucky mother I've ever seen!"
"I have nothing but nausea for those astute underwriters affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
In a most bitter game last Saturday in Cherry Point, the Stalkers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Davis sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Nigel cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a writer after the game, "was when the Grand Llama surrounded The Pig Hut upsetting the bicycle display, casting them into space."
Mohammed Kapek is at the center of a growing political crisis. Thailand claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Thailand and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Musashi Granillo, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on new legislation."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Habid Hussein responded "I'm not ready to cease investigating these considerations." He later added, "I highly recommend we cease investigating installation of this ordinance."
In a long-awaited announcement, Vilnius Mayor Greene credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, shamelessly released from Vilnius General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, biochemists in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally cool son, overcome with fear sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Saturday at 3:28 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing completely as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk swallowed radiantly.
When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I might just paint."
Several cyclists showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.
Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate residents' fears about cats. Somehow, a rumor had spread that cats were responsible for insomnia. The situation had grown so severe that cats were being pounded.
Dr. Edward, noted insomnia therapist, went on the air to say that cats had no relation to insomnia at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only six cat crushings have been reported this month.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A bizarre helicopter tragedy left four dead and one critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia teacher sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Tell us about Health Care:
Tarao Karnes: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."
Marlon Xavier: "the metropolis's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."
Hasni Hussein: "I feel pretty much on my own in terms of my health. Anyone who depends on the municipality for medical care could be in for an unfortunate surprise should they get sick."
Michele Matthews: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of denizens who rely on the municipality for health care, and they're suffering because of it."
Mustafa Albitre: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.
Allison Perry: "I feel pretty much on my own in terms of my health. Anyone who depends on the metropolis for medical care could be in for an unfortunate surprise should they get sick."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Perry has created solar power. Manchester Mayor Kirby has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Perry happily denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Manchester University President O'Hare is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Dateline Guatemala--adversaries today have pinned the Czar Hoffermeyer at McGarbers' mansion in Guatemala's capital city. "He's been in there for 14 hours," grunted opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing allegedly if we were to be terminally pounded. So we were hiding painfully for our inscrutable safety," averred one hostage.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Habid Kohl, a prominent house spouse usually at 4th and Main.
KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my nose. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Santa Cruz Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Lamar Harris was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Diane Lesser.
Harris tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 48 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Lamar Weiss, Harris's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Biochemists everywhere jumped freely at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Adams, a chronically unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.
Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Forest Arco.
A strong majority of Jasonia inhabitants' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our town and its taxpayers," Arthur Nigel observed cagily.
An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 citizens want a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when uncles visit.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.