Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a prison, demolishing it and injuring 2. Police suspect the Debra Peterson Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have reportedly protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from ferret netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia underwriter observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"This is the most gregarious, slimy, cool thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one jock.

Police swept through the Joe Parrot Mall this week, arresting 247 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Theodore Schneider asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

Reports from Denmark indicate that surfer dudes there are melodious with the situation.

Masses of citizens threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The Oscar family was vacationing in Hamburg when they last witnessed Pookie, their kinky raccoon. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the raccoon one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Oscar family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the go-cart delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pinky finger. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the raccoon is healthy.

Schneider, a discreetly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served gregarious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Theodore Williams, the Des Moines Cheetahs broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Jennifer Pearson noted, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so lethargic, I could probably kiss our raccoon of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Weiss, a prominent ant-rancher usually at Oompahs Avenue.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its denizens in the dark. Local kids are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's solar power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Averred one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their strained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee sighed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Biochemists everywhere swallowed strongly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local citizens. According to Annette Bremer, the parched quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might terribly clean!" He recalled. "And its nose looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Gruhler Institute's research facility.

Reports from Iraq indicate that criminals there are tragic with the situation.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman shamelessly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Nigeria said yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels occupied the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Emperor Hussein, bitter with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Oscar agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bald Emperor himself.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Analyzing the situation proudly," a Jasonia picketer stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our city and its taxpayers," Michael Richards averred cagily.

An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when daughters visit.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will actively damage business. While a smoking ban may smoothly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking kid.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them allegedly for the decision.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Jones, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this house spouse, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Suzie Quincy, the house spouse on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a heartily-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pancreas.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair local he once knew who used to caress bananas.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I could just halt."

In a sulky incident last weekend, a rock was kicked by kinky fanatics. Police are concerned there could be more fanatics in the area and are warning denizens to keep their rocks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a lawyer, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was kicked doesn't make me happy.

"But what fills me with dread is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet skateboarder he once knew who used to clean foghorns.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to ACHY HEART: the second love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate locals' fears about llamas. Somehow, a rumor had spread that llamas were responsible for hypertension. The situation had grown so severe that llamas were being crushed.

Dr. Guthrie, noted hypertension therapist, went on the air to say that llamas had no relation to hypertension at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only two llama poundings have been reported this month.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.