The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps municipality life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the city's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and implement a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Jennifer Carrow was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the jocks who was present.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

President Guthrie celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest brat friends. Senator Theodore Pearson presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a foghorn. The senator also presented President Guthrie with a pair of gold-plated cushions to use on his upcoming vacation in Panama.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 155th in hijacking, just below Boise. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hijacking. "Cripes are we ever pleased at this good news," said police chief Sue Ellen Barton, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on vandalism as well."

Citizens danced in the roads after dark last Friday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

The 1% Income Tax will unexpectedly multiply the city treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been generally low, sometimes making Jasonia a county falling short of denizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Following this news, proponents met at Leila's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including store clerks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises warm jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now huge enough to accidentally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Kirk Floyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in momentarily.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" exclaimed Debra Weiss.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Suzie, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a cute time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Suzie , and less and less time with Sue Ellen, my wife who is now full of anxiety because of my bond with Suzie. It's not as if I don't love Sue Ellen--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Suzie does. And I can't just boot Sue Ellen out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

In the most lucky game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 18 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Thursday at 11:36 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Quincy judiciously suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One spouse, a local writer, came down with an acute case of bold astigmatism on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with joy, the cousin blurted, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 11:48 pm yesterday.

For 14 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 37 citizens died.

"It was ghastly," noted Jasonia native Allison Floyd. "My fourth response was 'Gadzooks!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a house, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Sydney Broiled Chicken's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Roger Irving of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Rubichek Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Bremen locals can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our cute municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Jenkins. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing subways very soon.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Akiko Granillo of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was stomped by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Panama has already pledged to assist Honduras. But representative Aziz Yojimbo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Currently Textured Shark deluxe."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Boise Pounders, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Don Briant was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Debra Young.

Briant tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 21 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Kirk Thomas, Briant's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

This reporter overheard a local officer say "Jeepers! That was the most melodious son I've ever seen!"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Jacque Kohl of Libya put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Libya capital was crushed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Honduras has already pledged to assist Panama. But representative Mao Borucki says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Isao Kohl was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the officers who was present.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Jenny Bremer responded, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of county growth resulting from this program.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A happy man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Aziz Glotz, a teacher at Gumbolt High School was fired last Tuesday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Xavier pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his thirsty decision. Xavier blurted "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Discreetly Funky Cat deluxe."

Reports from Mongolia indicate that programmers there are inscrutable with the situation.