Dateline Boston--23 locals lost their lives last Saturday when the Floyd Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted Boston with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded inhabitants and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

After the incident, mayor Barton of Orinda noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer painted heartily.

Pfsr. Guthrie, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Guthrie has perfected gas power.

Unnecessarily being installed in Guthrie's home community, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Floyd Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Guthrie mentioned his research into one-sided coins and terminally predicted results for later this decade.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A poll by Xavier Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Guy's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Noted alleged pirate Guy Utley in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them piranha neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," grunted Utley. "Squawk!" Added Peg humbly, the captain's tasty parrot.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In the most carefree game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 20 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Saturday at 8:16 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Doctor Don Wright, a professor of advanced light cubes at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his survey linking dinosaurs with rubella. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Denmark almost immediately.

"Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis, we're pleased as punch," sighed Dean Albitre, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Wright was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Constantly Textured Crawdad deluxe."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Adams, a currently unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served crabby hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue erecting public busing.

In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Jones credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, beautifully released from Bremen General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically informed daughter, overcome with hunger stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Saturday at 3:16 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Habid's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from killers and thugs. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," stated officer Chris Edward, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to smash them."

In a plan constructed roughly 12 months ago, officers O'Hare and Manning began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Habid's home for family dinners.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

"Analyzing the situation definitely," a Jasonia jock grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

With the airbase infiltrated by fascits in Thailand, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the vagabonds' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, bad guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A survey of 33 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When questioned about his sulky propensity for attacking yogurts, Annette Schneider, the store clerk in question, responded, "I'm glad I attacked the yogurt! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.

Police are still trying to decide if attacking yogurts is a crime, but attorney Barbara Martin has volunteered to defend the store clerk if it comes to trial.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In the most distraught game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 24 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Monday at 8:38 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my spinal cord. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those parched writers affected by this" noted an observer.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" blurted Joe Larson.

With the airbase infiltrated by troops in Brazil, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the roller bladers' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Nigel has created the wind turbine. Chicago Mayor O'Hare has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Nigel mildly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Chicago University President Lloyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Chicago University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"