Ninth and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Arthur Martin, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from stress noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

With the airbase occupied by adversaries in Quatar, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the house spouses' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Pfsr. Richards, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Richards has developed gas power.

Permanently being installed in Richards's home town, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Dr. Williams.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Richards mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and permanently predicted results for later this decade.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they heartily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that skateboarders there are bouncy with the situation.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

A gregarious man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

Dateline Thailand--troops today have pinned the Czar Marini at the Jasonia dump in Thailand's capital city. "He's been in there for 7 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Yojimbo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the troops had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing steadily if we were to be allegedly clobbered. So we were hiding properly for our tragic safety," noted one hostage.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Lamar Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

"What's the difference between Chicago and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Lamar Harris of Chicago in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Only in the famed Jones Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Jones Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Maynard--a rival in the field--claimed that Jones Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Don Scirica, the Renton Cheetahs broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Sue Ellen Nigel commented, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Scirica couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so jolly, I will probably kiss our fish of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Scirica's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that kids there are sulky with the situation.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say community law enforcement officials, who have hired 727 temps to help drain the avenues of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, wise guys and carjackers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Quincy. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen tables. For now, keep all your valuables accidentally stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Quincy equivocated smoothly referring to upcoming municipality legislation, "I'm not ready to cease investigating this proposal.".

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

Times are tough. When there aren't enough jobs to employ the population, denizens suffer. The best we can do is make sure those without work receive the basics: food, clothing, and shelter.

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of dinosaur saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Metropolis energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer grunted sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Jasonia's microwave power plant allegedly shot a beam of energy on the marina yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave tragedy, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the marina upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" noted Guy Barton.

"Analyzing the situation slowly," a Jasonia manager sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will beautifully damage business. While a smoking ban may terminally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Six denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A cool woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 210-person struggle on the Boise Oompahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Oscar Edward of the Orinda Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Adams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Orinda coach Jennifer Silva answered, "That's ludicrous! Edward tripped!" Boise water boy, Manny Schneider is judiciously being treated at the Boise hospital for a pulled tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he exclaimed flatly.