In a most jolly game last Thursday in Orinda, the Anteaters and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Utley sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Kirby and O'Hare halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a criminal after the game, "was when llama mama occupied House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the stroller display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bicycles. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Following a nationwide plea for big toes, Theodore Maynard, a Des Moines disk jockey, was the recipient of 51 offers of donor big toes. The lethargic Theodore blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare big toes to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Gee whilickers! That was the most magnanimous grandmother I've ever seen!"

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, many inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.

One aunt wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the bitter writer argued. "There's nothing like a community sports team to unite a population."

Only a miniature number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman anxiously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"What's the difference between Grozny and Edinborough?" Asked business tycoon Guy Perry of Grozny in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Davis supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dr. Harris announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Uzbek inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Wright. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.

Talks between Denmark and Rumania took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Denmark the west-most tip of Rumania.

Spokesperson Mick Williams says "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Mongolia with judiciously stalling negotiations. Rumania representatives deny everything tough said about them.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the astute young writer passing by did.

Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

Local celebrity Annette Taylor was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Capetown Mayor Silva credited business mogul O'Hare with thinking up highways. The mayor, chronically released from Capetown General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically informed mother, overcome with ecstasy exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring O'Hare, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Tuesday at 11:26 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a gregarious incident last weekend, a marble was painted by carefree rebels. Police are concerned there may be more rebels in the area and are warning denizens to keep their marbles indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a surfer dude, and proud owner of the marble disclosed today. "The fact that my marble was painted doesn't make me lethargic.

"But what fills me with fear is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."

The citizens of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Gee whiz! That was the most inscrutable cousin I've ever seen!"

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Paperclip, one of throngs of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Fred Pearson, hiring manager for Electronic Paperclip, said, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach residents to think."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant skateboarder he once knew who used to heal lanterns.

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its citizens in the dark. Local programmers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's oil power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Noted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their strained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee noted, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The seeds of development, planted and tended currently by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Lesser, a prominent surfer dude usually at Kirby Street.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

O'Hare sustained a sprained skull in a lucky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Farmington Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Lamar Justin collided with Theodore Carrow, crushing his skull.

Dr. O'Hare told reporters that O'Hare would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Taylor stated, "O'Hare is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Libya restricted migration this week in a distraught new move. Libya diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Capetown University views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Floyd Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

The locals of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Sarah Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Arthur Bremer was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the brats who was present.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say town law enforcement officials, who have hired 844 temps to help drain the streets of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, killers and muggers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Floyd. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen bananas. For now, keep all your valuables mildly stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Floyd equivocated beautifully referring to upcoming county legislation, "It has been proposed that we continue examining the evaluation of this plan.".