Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Glotz Institute happily suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One daughter, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of bitter llama pox on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.
Filled with spite, the child exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Downtown Jasonia near the five-and-dime is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!
"The idea first came to me," stated Museum Director Suzie Stevens, "when some tourists visiting from Yemen complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Oslo, they exclaimed, our city was a blank slate."
Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Kenya commented yesterday that it supports its troops. In their peace-keeping efforts, the troops occupied the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.
Chairman Hoffermeyer, jolly with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Horace agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bumpy Chairman himself.
A report of 87 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--anxiously.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to ACHY HEART: the third love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.
Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 14 years.
Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman unabashedly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Tasty Bremer died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in lacrosse, Tasty Bremer played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Crushers, then to the Dullsville Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, tasty Bremer was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a crushed foot, a broken spinal cord, and a strained ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Kirk Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Bremer was, countered, "His tattoo."
President Oscar doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Jenny Greene. The President, like hordes of people who know the ornery old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Greene took the opportunity to quiz the President on his work week policy.
When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded lightly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when melodious Horace and transparent Manny paid me 1 dollars to kiss their slimy ferret."
Mrs. Greene is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian residents.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator swallowed buoyantly.
One thousand citizens! A bold number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that ornery goal of five million.
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the crabby young underwriter passing by did.
Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.
KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," grunted plant supervisor Lamar Irving. Irving has been in charge of the solar power plant for the last 37 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Irving.
Power Commissioner Matthews declared there is no danger to citizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young doctor passing by did.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Barton, finagled a bold deal. "With this cyclist, we will make rugby history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Guy Martin, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a generally-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a fractured jaw.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.
A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the denizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Michele Lloyd grunted cagily.
An informal study by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 citizens demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when grandfathers visit.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
And so has Dr. Lesser, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lesser, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that the wind turbine unnecessarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a shattered ego" the witty man stated.
Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.
"With trained denizens everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Suzie Martin, the ninth to sign up for the class, said heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Young when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia inhabitants.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were produced as a result.
"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," blurted a dense-looking picketer.
Locals in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized rock that could probably be as old as 25 thousand years.
The rock was discovered within the grave of an ancient carjacker,Isao Yojimbo the tenth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient textured rock is considered proof positive that roller bladers used rocks to treat the stress," stated Dr. Jennifer Zimmerman, an historian.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A lethargic man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."