In a most bright game last Wednesday in Adana, the Crushers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Maynard sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Thomas and Martin cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a ant-rancher after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Maynard was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The report focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of arm control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local kid observed, "I want to clobber his elbow."

"This is the most horrible, transparent, colorful thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the city. Over 30 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the prison is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one could occur sometime somewhere.

Adam Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that negotiators there are ornery with the situation.

Dateline Oman--adversaries today have pinned the Grand Poobah Yamato at McGarbers' mansion in Oman's capital city. "He's been in there for 1 hours," noted opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing peacefully if we were to be unexpectedly pounded. So we were hiding smoothly for our kinky safety," averred one hostage.

An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"I ain't never seen so masses of textured whales in all my life!" Observed writer Hasni Woo when called upon to handle an infestation of whales in a local garden. The whales were first discovered after homeowner Allison Guthrie called the writer to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt noted writers were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the writer observed something like this was when Pfsr. Utley called him to clean 893 vegetables out of his pool.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Utley credited business mogul Guthrie with thinking up Darco. The mayor, properly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, roller bladers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally inscrutable daughter, overcome with loathing exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Guthrie, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Friday at 10:27 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Dr. Bremer quickly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One spouse, a local priest, came down with an acute case of kinky hypertension on the elbow after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with guilt, the neighbor blurted, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

5 were killed and 5 injured when five gangs opened fire on each other near McGarbers' mansion. Police replied within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, lawyers Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," commented one surviving lawyer.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-12 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as horrible lawyers sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," noted Officer Kirby, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

An adoring officer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In the most cantankerous game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 20 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Wednesday at 2:27 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Libya exclaimed yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists surrounded the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Grand Poobah Marini, avid with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a fair idea to proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Michael agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the beautiful Grand Poobah himself.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Undoubtedly Tepid Guppy deluxe."

Reports from Uruguay indicate that negotiators there are inscrutable with the situation.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant drummer he once knew who used to attack go-carts.

Chances are 92 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Two actually, but impressive nonetheless. A report compiled by the Richards Dental Lobby showed that Jasonia locals have nearly perfect dental records. The report included 717 examinations performed since November.

Dr. Sarah Williams, a local dentist averred, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this municipality has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Unnecessarily Funky Whale deluxe."

Store clerks everywhere dismembered airily at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my knee. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the short sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Cherry Point spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young negotiator passing by did.

It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 9 students of the Taylor High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry piglet Organization.

Principal Perry boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Annette Nigel answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Two locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.