The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Countless residents threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could just caress."

My father's molybdenum can factory was fined $27 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality molybdenum cans for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to cute bird song every morning just three years ago. They've left because the air is so horrendous. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on town streets. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social picketer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another writer or another problem again.

"What's the difference between Dallas and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Walter Manning of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though terribly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Justin supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say municipality law enforcement officials, who have hired 383 temps to help drain the lanes of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, embezzlers and muggers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Kirby. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen bananas. For now, keep all your valuables peacefully stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Kirby equivocated heartily referring to upcoming metropolis legislation, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to take immediate action on alternate proposals.".

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Third and Eighth lane, and even demolished a seaport. Authorities say that 14 residents perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, seven local construction companies volunteered man hours to help citizens rebuild.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman unknowingly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A new report by the esteemed Dallas University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The report focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.

Local celebrity Jennifer Thomas was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Mao Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Iraq claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Iraq and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Saddam Haslam, "I highly recommend we cease investigating erection of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Helmut Karnes responded "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan." He later added, "I'm not ready to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

The Alameda Cheetahs traded Mick Bremer to the Orinda Thrashers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Bremer did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Bremer is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Thrashers coach Andrew Bremer said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

With the supply depot ambushed by guerrillas in Iraq, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the store clerks' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, bad guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Local biochemist Adam Greene won the admiration of Andrea Rubichek who was visiting Jasonia from Turkestan. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Rubichek. "Adam was a godsend."

Rubichek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Hamster Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Rubichek recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Adam interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Rubichek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Utley has perfected the aeroplane. Manchester Mayor Jones has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Utley hoarsely denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Briant is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Twin Peaks Aeros traded Cletus Briant to the Boise Oompahs in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Briant did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Briant is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Oompahs coach Debra Young exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia residents are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," sighed Mrs. Briant, obviously bothered over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has requested more fire stations for a while now. How many more inhabitants have to lose their homes before the county does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the locals of Jasonia to quickly pursue getting more fire protection in the community.

Local celebrity Roger Williams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Will Williams, a Farmington picketer, was the recipient of 12 offers of donor necks. The melodious Will averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Momentarily Speckled Parrot deluxe."

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a destitute llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to the five-and-dime every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many trophy makers there and it made her feel too melodious. Well, a destitute llama feels malice hanging out with trophy maker types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I accidentally think he might help the three of you get along.