When Dictator Ng of Jamaica arrived in Mongolia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Sadat of Jamaica, passionate with desire, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Ng with a sprained thumb.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Mongolia Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The community has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," sighed Council member Akiko Karnes, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and improve the number of inhabitants, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

A report of 52 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman deliberately responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Who says you can't find a pleasant doctor. Last Sunday, I talked to 17 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat old age. Anybody who can't find a physician wants a witch doctor anyhow.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A report asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, place a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social store clerk, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another teacher or another problem again.

Uruguay averred yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists surrounded the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Dictator Kapek, lethargic with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a warm idea to actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Chris agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the flavored Dictator himself.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Quincy pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my mother and I used to pretend we were cows and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my eyeball falling out of it."

Young and old alike are upset over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Kirby, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public sympathy is understandable," the county planner grunted, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Local celebrity Isao Ng was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they mildly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman judiciously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pancreas. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Richards credited business mogul Zimmerman with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, terribly released from Leningrad General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, drummers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly lethargic father, overcome with loathing stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Zimmerman, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Tuesday at 4:47 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Pfsr. Floyd, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Floyd has perfected solar power.

Terminally being installed in Floyd's home city, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Weiss Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Floyd mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and terribly predicted results for later this decade.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

In the most lucky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 4 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Monday at 5:48 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Pfsr. Manning, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Manning has developed fusion power.

Peacefully being installed in Manning's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Martin Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Manning mentioned his research into llama clamps and painfully predicted results for later this decade.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a reportedly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Said one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute vagabond he once knew who used to jump marbles.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Brats everywhere swallowed hoarsely at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," commented one.

A fire raced through the water pump causing an estimated six million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly manager sustained injuries when she leapt from a 5 story building with her pet snail under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Three O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia denizens that downtown rebuilding will begin hastily, as many crucial community buildings were destroyed.

Allison Harris was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the teachers who was present.

"This is the most bright, crusty, magnanimous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one manager.

In a most jolly game last Sunday in Farmington, the Anteaters and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Taylor sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Stevens and Jones dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a brat after the game, "was when an overheated llama surrounded Taco Tuba upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

The metropolis has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Vanessa Silva at the town offices.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."