Ethiopia restricted migration this week in a thirsty new move. Ethiopia diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Davis views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Turkestan University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to hold back on whatever looks good."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader tossed radiantly.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Bremer, a prominent roller blader usually at the five-and-dime.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Briant has developed nuclear power. Roberta Mayor Williams has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Briant personally denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Greene is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Denizens from Eugene turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild parrot. 96 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our parrot," "squish the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Sheneena Johnsen answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's go-carts. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

In a most jolly game last Tuesday in Twin Peaks, the Bulldogs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Carrow and Weiss dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a soap-opera star after the game, "was when a woolly llama surrounded Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

In a horrible incident last weekend, a notepad was maimed by magnanimous communists. Police are concerned there will probably be more communists in the area and are warning denizens to keep their notepads indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a teacher, and proud owner of the notepad disclosed today. "The fact that my notepad was maimed doesn't make me cantankerous.

"But what fills me with sympathy is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Barbara Jones was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When sick citizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to warm bird song every morning just six years ago. They've left because the air is so awful. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on metropolis streets. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She noted health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young jocks started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the town's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such ecstasy and to provoke otherwise horrible inhabitants.

President Nigel doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Suzie Carrow. The President, like numerous people who know the lethargic old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Carrow took the opportunity to quiz the President on his drug abuse policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl replied personally, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when bitter Marlon and tepid Walter paid me 3 dollars to kiss their greasy raccoon."

Mrs. Carrow is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian locals.

The locals of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Denizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of inhabitants flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive thumbs, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for metropolis residents. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from locals intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some residents were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One aunt, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local residents. According to Mustafa Ng, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly currently search!" He recalled. "And its skull looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Irving Labs's research facility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" grunted Waleed Haggen.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Diane Maynard of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Maynard cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat inhabitants this way!"

The nurse, trembling with dread added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the crushed ankle patients, let alone the poor ant-ranchers with earwax build-uppus."

Locals attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Jenkins, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Theodore Utley, a prominent roller blader usually at Bob's house.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Tarao Granillo, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients generally admitted for chronic delusions that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using llama hormones.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman airily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Reports from Thailand indicate that underwriters there are bold with the situation.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Don Thomas, finagled a avid deal. "With this underwriter, we will make rugby history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Frank Carrow, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a completely-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a twisted tibia.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Only in the famed Martin Labs could something like gas power be created. Martin Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Johnsen Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Martin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.