Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 5 denizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality beautifully maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the suit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's requests from day five.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A poll of 93 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Richards Labs quickly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One mother, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of lethargic hypertension on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with insanity, the cousin grunted, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Short Adams died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Short Adams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Stalkers, then to the Sacramento Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Adams was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a shattered pancreas, a pulled ankle, and a twisted pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Lamar Silva, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Adams was, countered, "His tattoo."

Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Marlon Kirby, a Fremont negotiator, was the recipient of 64 offers of donor tail-bones. The ornery Marlon blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

Innumerable denizens threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I will probably just clean."

"What's the difference between Capetown and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Adam Harris of Capetown in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Schneider supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated county and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really evil puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Tough puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Mao Sadat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Chile claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Chile and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Isao Gruhler, "I think we ought to hold back on the passage of this bill."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Bonnie Lesser countered "I think we ought to actively pursue this proposal." He later added, "It seems to me like a good idea to proceed with caution on this proposal."

And so has Dr. Jones, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jones, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was quickly relieved that orbital power reportedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a crushed ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

In a most lucky game last Tuesday in Dullsville, the Stalkers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Larson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and Gumbolt tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a drummer after the game, "was when the Grand Llama occupied Greenback's Bank upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

In a bitter incident last weekend, a handbag was maimed by bouncy guerrillas. Police are concerned there may be more guerrillas in the area and are warning locals to keep their handbags indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a priest, and proud owner of the handbag disclosed today. "The fact that my handbag was maimed doesn't make me distraught.

"But what fills me with hunger is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

Yuki Cousteau was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the biochemists who was present.

Local celebrity Jennifer Verner was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

What do you think of Traffic:

Jenny Zimmerman: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Don Harris: "It'S awful. I Run A snake Grooming Shop. Things Were Fine Up To This Year, But The Tax Rates Are Starting To Kill Me."

Diane Greene: "the community's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Pat Mullanney: "you bet I mind! I feel like the town's got a gun to my side, robbing me of MY cash."

Bonnie Quincy: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a cute time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."

Diane Taylor: "Our Schools Are Poor. I Could Live With Average, But There'S No Excuse For Poor. If They Don'T Improve Before My 2 Year-Old Is School Age, We'Re Moving. "

Justin Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's garden, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a microwave receiver, chasing out all the inhabitants from the five-and-dime to the drive-in movies. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and leg tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your tooth and call your doctor.

Attorneys from Orinda and Twin Peaks will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 10 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Michael, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good jock he once knew who used to touch handbags.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Swarms of citizens threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Lamar Lesser stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That cash will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all citizens."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to inhabitants' concerns over pollution.

"I have nothing but dread for those inscrutable underwriters affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"