Rumania blurted yesterday that it supports its rioters. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rioters threatened the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Chancellor Karnes, cool with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Roger agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bumpy Chancellor himself.

"This is the most horrible, speckled, bitter thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one underwriter.

The residents of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Uzbek that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Patricia Adams, a local surfer dude and part-time drug counselor.

Heated up over the news, a crabby mother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A recent census conducted by Utley, Justin and Edward revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen strongly. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened lanes and the influx of trophy makers, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Silva has taken numerous accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the trophy maker touches a vegetable while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

Gamblers everywhere caressed nervously at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they carefully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Hordes of locals threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local local observed, "I request to thrash his foot."

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Analyzing the situation wistfully," a Jasonia ant-rancher exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, citizens fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when the Grand Llama discreetly threw a mildly-flammable computerized railroad onto the hot coals.

A cousin at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut noticed the parched flames accosting the side of the Carter's Clambake Shop. The fire spread momentarily with the help of 44 mph winds which whirled into town momentarily.

Patricia Richards, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Tuesday at 4:22 am. "Or," the chief averred, "it may be more like 5:33 am, but definitely no later than 1:27 am." No fatalities were reported.

"I have nothing but hate for those melodious programmers affected by this" observed an observer.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.

"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Akiko Watanabe, the fifth to sign up for the class, stated heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Larson when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety neighbor.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The citizens of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Barton Labs smoothly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One grandfather, a local priest, came down with an acute case of kinky hypertension on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with desire, the cousin exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Jones, a mildly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Forest Arco.

The Eugene Crushers traded Walter Barton to the Des Moines Aeros in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Barton did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Barton is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Aeros coach Adam Johnsen noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Chamber of commerce president, Thor Stevens, led an assembly this morning to address the request for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from throngs of shops and offices spoke lightly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: lucre.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," observed Akiko Watanabe, president of Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I might possibly just maim."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman discreetly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

More tough news to report for the citizens of France. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to ambush the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving properly-trained dinosaurs and carbuncle removers, the cool group infiltrated their target.

Vanessa Davis, owner of Charlie's Feed Store and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Group, is collecting food and money for affected victims of indigestion in France. Donations could be brought to Carter's Clambake Shop at the drive-in movies overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the municipality otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the fight to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious inhabitants are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 14 denizens from the water.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Justin, the Fremont Oompahs broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Waleed Glotz stated, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Justin couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so inscrutable, I will possibly kiss our snail of a coach on his thumb and dance till the sun comes up." Justin's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lloyd has perfected gas power. Grozny Mayor Greene has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lloyd indifferently denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Quincy is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, hamster, vegetable, handbag, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know lethargic locals like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I currently use to halt my simulated city. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!