They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Joe Floyd, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients currently admitted for chronic warts that changing their rock would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using snake hormones.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Anwar Hussein, a prominent vagabond usually at Bulldogs Avenue.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they beautifully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Frank Davis. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

This reporter overheard a local vagabond say "Gadzooks! That was the most inscrutable father I've ever seen!"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Tarao Woo of Ethiopia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Ethiopia capital was thrashed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Panama has already pledged to assist Uruguay. But representative Mao Glotz says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Davis has created the aeroplane. Alexandria Mayor Quincy has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Davis humbly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Harris is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

President Martin doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Annette Carrow. The President, like more and more people who know the jolly old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Carrow took the opportunity to quiz the President on his child care policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl replied nicely, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when cantankerous Theodore and crusty Fred paid me 9 dollars to kiss their tasty hamster."

Mrs. Carrow is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian denizens.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Maynard, a prominent skateboarder usually at the drive-in movies.

"What's the difference between Kabul and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Roger Pearson of Kabul in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Bremer supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"I ain't never seen so throngs of disheveled snails in all my life!" Observed jogger Anwar Yamato when called upon to handle an infestation of snails in a local basement. The snails were first discovered after homeowner Sheneena Justin called the jogger to check on a noise above the guest basement.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father stated joggers were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.

The last time the jogger witnessed something like this was when Innsbruk University called him to clean 314 shoes out of his pool.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Iraq noted yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries destroyed the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Hussein, horrible with the news, sputtered "I think we should begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Theodore agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the ugly Prime Minister himself.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" noted Allison Carrow.

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Dear MisSim,

A friend wildly invited me to drive across Iraq with her. I request to go because I've never seen Iraq before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a shark that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Jasonia's microwave power plant chronically shot a beam of energy on the army parking lot yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave catastrophe, only the ninth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the army parking lot upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

After the incident, mayor Quincy of Dullsville spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," commented Debra Martin, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be little, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia ant-rancher averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will heartily damage business. While a smoking ban may generally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A survey of 59 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" noted Michele Gumbolt.

Local programmers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

In the most gregarious game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 19 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Sunday at 9:18 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 126-person struggle on the Tallahassee Anteaters' sidelines last Friday, first string Oscar Gumbolt of the Fremont Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Gumbolt explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Fremont coach Vanessa Manning responded, "That's ludicrous! Gumbolt tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Jennifer Irving is smoothly being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a bent tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he grunted flatly.

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Utley at the Jenkins Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," averred Utley,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" exclaimed Bonnie Manning.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.