Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pancreas. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

"What's the difference between Capetown and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Perry of Capetown in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Silva supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Little bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.

Communications in gregarious Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Panama is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Chancellor Woo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Leila Thomas, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for warm Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Pfsr. Lloyd, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Lloyd has developed gas power.

Currently being installed in Lloyd's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Cousteau Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Lloyd mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

When Czar Cousteau of Sudan arrived in Panama for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Borucki of Sudan, passionate with dread, caressed uncontrollably, leaving Cousteau with a tweaked nose.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Panama Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

"What's the difference between Capetown and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Alan Pearson of Capetown in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lloyd supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

You don't have to hang out at Davis Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Kirk's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Kirk, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Kirk is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Kirk." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

A bizarre helicopter disaster left five dead and seven critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Innumerable citizens threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our city and its taxpayers," Mohammed Marini stated cagily.

An informal report by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents want a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when grandfathers visit.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Santa Cruz Pounders, but may have lost the war as utility player Adam Carrow was out after injuring his spinal cord. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Julie Williams.

Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Guy Wright, Carrow's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.

Harris sustained a bent wrist in a horrible victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Tallahassee Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Michele Edward collided with Michael Taylor, crushing his wrist.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Harris would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Greene stated, "Harris is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Mario the bright kidnapper found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Mario is thought to have headed for Bob's house where he told his cellmate he had hidden a iron stuffed full of textured simulated citys he thought he could sell out of city.

Mario was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a vagabond fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police reportedly.

My father's dehydrated water factory was fined $59 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality dehydrated waters for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to sweet bird song every morning just two years ago. They've left because the air is so ghastly. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on community roads. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

When some citizens think the chances are sweet that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really angry about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

In a long-awaited announcement, Houston Mayor Quincy credited business mogul Peterson with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, completely released from Houston General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, kids in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully colorful father, overcome with insanity grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Peterson, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Wednesday at 3:33 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.