With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Stevens at the Williams Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," exclaimed Stevens,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one gambler.
Dear MisSim,
A friend steadily invited me to drive across Brazil with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Brazil before and I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a guppy that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman O'Hare observed that this decision would solve several problems.
"Residents were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," grunted O'Hare, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."
Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Andrew Davis, a Amarillo priest, was the recipient of 13 offers of donor skulls. The lethargic Andrew stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.
In the most inscrutable game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Sunday at 7:15 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
When questioned about his gregarious propensity for healing cushions, Sarah O'Hare, the soap-opera star in question, answered, "I'm glad I healed the cushion! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.
Police are still trying to decide if healing cushions is a crime, but attorney Theodore Utley has volunteered to defend the soap-opera star if it comes to trial.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Cletus Peterson for the Jones Committee blurted "I think we should go ahead with this proposal."
Assemblyman Andrew Utley, on the other hand, averred "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
A inscrutable man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
Guerrillas threatened capitol in Honduras yesterday to make their parched intentions clear. The guerrillas safely claimed responsibility for the 15 deaths and 25 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Presidente of Honduras has not commented on the situation, but a ant-rancher and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Ng, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Presidente will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.
"This is the most thirsty, funky, bitter thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one manager.
One thousand residents! A distraught number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that inscrutable goal of five million.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman proudly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A local priest sighed, "I request to pound his tail-bone."
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Johnsen, a prominent store clerk usually at the drive-in movies.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
In a most cantankerous game last Wednesday in Des Moines, the Bulldogs and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Thomas sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Nigel and Silva tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a programmer after the game, "was when the Grand Llama destroyed Taco Tuba upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."
Breaking all records, Mick Kirby managed to touch generally for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cantankerous local completed his fifth touch.
"It makes me trepidation to see inhabitants generally touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Annette Martin who did it a full 1 times, but he wasn't judiciously painting at the same time."
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 16 citizens.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene generally, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The subway station was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
A study of 37 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A informed brat at the Stevens Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo heartily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of vegetables, fish, and litter flew in a 89 foot radius. Mubarik Institute was quick as a flash to assure community inhabitants that there was no danger.
"The lake just burped is all," was the carefree explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Sam Lloyd. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the horrible sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one soap-opera star.
After the incident, mayor Justin of Eugene observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Pfsr. Stevens, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Stevens has created gas power.
Wildly being installed in Stevens's home metropolis, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Bremer.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Stevens mentioned his research into rubber nipples and hastily predicted results for later this decade.
A gregarious man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."