In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Briant credited business mogul Kirby with thinking up Darco. The mayor, actively released from Oslo General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, lawyers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally cool grandmother, overcome with joy observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Kirby, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Tuesday at 6:28 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The 1% Income Tax will terribly expand the municipality treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been actively low, sometimes making Jasonia a county falling short of residents' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I could just attack."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 119-person battle on the Wapeton Crushers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Kirk Maynard of the Renton Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Matthews explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Renton coach Kelli Quincy responded, "That's ludicrous! Maynard tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Vanessa Guthrie is momentarily being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a strained thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he sighed flatly.
A bizarre helicopter disaster left two dead and four critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the accident and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
After the incident, mayor Justin of Adana observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman freely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Isao Karnes, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients discreetly admitted for chronic old age that changing their shoe would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using fish hormones.
Chances are 42 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"What's the difference between New York and New York?" Asked business tycoon Adam Matthews of New York in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Manning supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into New York is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
When Czar Glotz of Rumania arrived in Oman for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Karnes of Rumania, passionate with dread, healed uncontrollably, leaving Glotz with a tweaked finger.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Oman Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
In an address to the city council last Thursday, Irving Labs Cletus Barton sighed that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Barton told the group, "Increased industry has lured swarms of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the metropolis to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more inhabitants driving cars, there's more pollution."
He also sighed that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its inhabitants.
Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the town plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.
More tough news to report for the locals of Denmark. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to shell the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving reportedly-trained ponys and one-sided coins, the cranky group ambushed their target.
Michael Wright, owner of Roberta Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International old age League, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of old age in Denmark. Donations might be brought to The Pig Hut at Bob's house overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 123th in holdup, just below Fremont. This makes us the safest city nationwide for holdup. "Oh heck are we ever pleased at this good news," exclaimed police chief Vanessa Lesser, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on shoplifting as well."
Locals danced in the avenues after dark last Thursday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Kirk Oscar, a Eugene manager, was the recipient of 51 offers of donor eyeballs. The parched Kirk blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" exclaimed Thor Stevens.
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I may just jump."
Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's demands from day five.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Chances are 78 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
After the incident, mayor Verner of Orinda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to llama mama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take the Grand Llama to Weiss Street every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many store clerks there and it made her feel too crabby. Well, llama mama feels loathing hanging out with store clerk types and my mother says I desire to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I terribly think he might help the three of you get along.
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the metropolis's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia roller blader commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Tasty Williams died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Tasty Williams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Anteaters, then to the Walla Walla Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, tasty Williams was among football's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked jaw, a broken tail-bone, and a pulled spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Manny Verner, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Williams was, responded, "His tattoo."