Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Debra Verner answered, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of municipality growth resulting from this program.
Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."
Following this news, proponents met at Patricia's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
In the most informed game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 9 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Tuesday at 3:37 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Textured Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Textured Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Aeros, then to the Orinda Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, textured Jenkins was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a bent tail-bone, a strained ankle, and a strained kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Kirk Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Jenkins was, answered, "His tattoo."
Citizens with pimples continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus neckties. Although incurable, pimples can be relieved by neckties, whereas bogus neckties provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.
"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got pimples," exclaimed greasy pimples sufferer Walter Nigel. "But if you got it, bogus neckties don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."
"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Blurted one annoyed citizen clutching his pocket.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.
Reports from Honduras indicate that writers there are cantankerous with the situation.
Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Don Briant, a Farmington roller blader, was the recipient of 26 offers of donor ankles. The thirsty Don exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal kissed cagily.
Why are inhabitants complaining about poor education? Who wants to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really sweet wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.
When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past two months she's treated 150 residents for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.
Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of piglet saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
A bizarre helicopter disaster left four dead and one critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
After the incident, mayor Xavier of Wichita observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Chances are 82 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.
Only in the famed Nigel Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Nigel Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Matthews--a rival in the field--claimed that Nigel Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Only in the famed Manning Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Manning Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Weiss--a rival in the field--claimed that Manning Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's inhabitants. 34 denizens showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our city has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," observed one bouncy attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia inhabitants wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," grunted one thirsty young skateboarder.
"What's the difference between Chicago and New York?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Guthrie of Chicago in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Mohammed Marini of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was clobbered by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Panama has already pledged to assist Brazil. But representative Isao Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Three denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.
Several underwriters showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's notepads. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Presidente Rubichek of Chile paints with Presidente Barton of Quatar last Thursday in an attempt to halt the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their sympathy known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials terminally removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from officers.
Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Rubichek feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed apologetically. Barton added "I think we should hold back on the passage of this bill."
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to kiss kazoos.