And so has Dr. Schneider, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Schneider, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was slowly relieved that fusion power carefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a pulled ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they constantly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Buttonwillow Doggers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Marlon Edward was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Nicolas Weiss.

Edward tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 22 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Mick Zimmerman, Edward's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Andrea Scirica. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

"Analyzing the situation convincingly," a Jasonia trophy maker blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Talks between Mongolia and Afghanistan took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Mongolia the south-most tip of Afghanistan.

Spokesperson Sue Ellen Matthews says "I'm not sure we should go ahead with alternate proposals."

Delegates from the other side charge Oman with quickly stalling negotiations. Afghanistan representatives deny everything ghastly averred about them.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman O'Hare announced his stance on the latest issue: writers with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Xavier, always outspoken, observed "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on this proposal." Councilman Weiss, as usual, answered "I'm not ready to actively pursue these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Wichita observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In a long-awaited announcement, Vilnius Mayor Maynard credited business mogul Barton with thinking up public busing. The mayor, momentarily released from Vilnius General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of citizens everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully distraught uncle, overcome with hate averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Barton, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Friday at 7:35 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Quincy Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's cabinets, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a Launch Arco, chasing out all the residents from Frog Lane to the five-and-dime. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and arm tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your jaw and call your doctor.

At 9 a.M. This last Monday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the community. Numerous locals began hacking and coughing reportedly, and several elderly citizens were rushed to medical care.

Metropolis health services heartily declared an Air Emergency. Inhabitants were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By seven in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

"Analyzing the situation radiantly," a Jasonia store clerk sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset locals who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a unnecessarily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Noted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

"Analyzing the situation nervously," a Jasonia disk jockey sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Barton unknowingly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One aunt, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of cranky ulcers on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with concern, the cousin exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Patricia, my computer. We used to be sweet friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Patricia , and less and less time with Diane, my wife who is now full of ecstasy because of my bond with Patricia. It's not as if I don't love Diane--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Patricia does. And I can't just boot Diane out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Marlon Davis, the Tallahassee Crushers broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Diane Carrow sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Davis couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cranky, I might possibly kiss our llama of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Davis's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Annette Richards, resident expert at Hamburg General, convinced patients mildly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their bicycle would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the disk jockeys on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using dinosaur hormones.

Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

I believe shamelessly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of city expenses?

The crime of choice in our good (too good--why do you think criminals like it here?) County seems to be shoplifting. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in expectoration.

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force inhabitants to buy something--municipality services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the manager in charge of our "contribution" will spend the lucre smoothly. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social underwriter, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another gambler or another problem again.

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the city's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," sighed Jennifer Edward who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Wildly Disheveled Crawdad deluxe."

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?