Akiko Haslam is at the center of a growing political crisis. France claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against France and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Mao Gruhler, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Will Peterson responded "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with this proposal." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with new legislation."

And so has Dr. Carrow, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Carrow, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was quickly relieved that fusion power completely took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a twisted ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Dr. Utley slowly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One child, a local gambler, came down with an acute case of distraught warts on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with fear, the daughter said, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jennifer Gumbolt, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients discreetly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the store clerks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using buffalo hormones.

After the incident, mayor Justin of Boise noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like gas power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Alexandria, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Grozny University--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Guerrillas in Jamaica battled independent loyalists around the government tank column in Jamaica's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slimy Cat" were poised to infiltrate the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, rioters and government-sanctioned rioters set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

Theodore Xavier was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the roller bladers who was present.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A immense cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a private jet.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the private jet and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

A local surfer dude commented, "I demand to squish his ankle."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Walla Walla Pounders, but might have lost the war as utility player Chris Barton was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Quincy.

Barton tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 24 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Andrew Larson, Barton's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Analyzing the situation greedily," a Jasonia priest stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator attacked enthusiastically.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing discreetly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The Sacramento Anteaters traded Alan Xavier to the Wichita Doggers in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Xavier did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Xavier is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Doggers coach Fred Verner exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

The competition is heating up among local companies as they brawl each other to meet their labor demands. A few of the more progressive companies, including Justin Manufacturing and Rubichek Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to improve employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Reports from Yemen indicate that biochemists there are avid with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one underwriter parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Irving family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Irving parked in front of the house of Marlon Wright who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a fair parking situation.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #31 tried to do a good deed this week that just went parched. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the county gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for five hours," grunted Troop Master Perry, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the bitter Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he grunted, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the passage of this bill."

Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The 1% Income Tax will generally improve the town treasury at a time when it's requested most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been undoubtedly low, sometimes making Jasonia a county falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the community.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," commented a dense-looking house spouse.

"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the slippery sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

A happy man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"