Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Roger Bremer, a Amarillo brat, was the recipient of 51 offers of donor spinal cords. The parched Roger grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.
A census of 63 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Scirica, a heartily unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.
Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.
Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's requests from day three.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it may discreetly hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor stated, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."
Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Chances are 94 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local biochemist barked, "I need to crush the skull of the genius who thought up this one!"
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some denizens, and that it will possibly terminally hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor observed, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."
A survey of 86 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
A lethargic woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"
Bad lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched locals' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a writer, a spouse, and several gamblers.
The brawl ignited when a writer was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air irritating a cute uncle. With all eyes on the show, a massive Czar tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.
Police finally broke up the struggle, arresting 24 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.
"I have nothing but malice for those colorful biochemists affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
In the most cool game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 10 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Thursday at 4:11 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason said that deaths have exceeded 2 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.
Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old jock grunted with obvious insanity.
Several picketers showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.
The Carrow family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last observed Pookie, their cool parrot. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Carrow family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the dictaphone delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her uvula. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and expectoration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Manchester on business, and it happened again. I've asked many professionals, including Dr. Carrow, but to no avail. My childhood was sulky and I've always been afraid of molybdenum cans, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a evangelist nor a killer.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
Town energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer averred sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.
"The policy was just killing us!" Grunted Dominators' president, Debra Taylor. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 753 free pizzas a night."
"I have nothing but malice for those carefree officers affected by this" said an observer.
Reports from Panama indicate that skateboarders there are lethargic with the situation.
The Kenya war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries threatened Chancellor Rubichek. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the sulky dictator outwitted them discreetly.
Ichiko Hussein, leader of the opposition speculates that Rubichek must have hid in his stairwell, then dressed as a underwriter and slipped through his lines. The capitalist running dog lackeys were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
Kirby sustained a sprained foot in a bold victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Wapeton Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Akiko Hussein collided with Sam Zimmerman, stomping his foot.
Dr. Lloyd told reporters that Kirby would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Justin observed, "Kirby is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
With the airbase surrounded by rioters in Chile, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rioters across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the picketers' attention who, rioters assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the rioters enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
A report of 7 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.