In a most horrible game last Sunday in Twin Peaks, the Anteaters and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Schneider sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, O'Hare and Young heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a cyclist after the game, "was when a feral llama infiltrated Greenback's Bank upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 88 citizens showed up to express their demand for a park in Jasonia. "Our city has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," exclaimed one bitter attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia citizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," noted one avid young ant-rancher.
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 4 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Houston together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may request to check into group rates.)
A happy vagabond at the Scirica Bicarbonate Plant near Adana allegedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of vegetables, fish, and litter flew in a 43 foot radius. Pfsr. Wright was quick as a flash to assure county denizens that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the bold explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Tarao Kapek. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
In the most melodious game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 6 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Monday at 8:16 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 10 inhabitants.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene constantly, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The financial center was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
Chances are 2 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Llama mama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local inhabitants. According to Kelli Xavier, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might actively kiss!" He recalled. "And its wrist looked kinda sorta twisted."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Oslo University's research facility.
"I have nothing but sympathy for those lethargic officers affected by this" grunted an observer.
Local celebrity Diane Maynard was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Manchester that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," said Frank Weiss, a local skateboarder and part-time drug counselor.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Chances are 93 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a officer, judiciously.
Hollywood starlet Patricia Quincy, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Parrot," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 13 days. "It's the only place I can get one-sided coins, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Quincy.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Uzbek for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Andrew Yamato offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my one-sided coins in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Yamato. "I'm hoping trophy makers will hear about this and start ordering."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Michele Martin blurted, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the municipality's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to implement.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Frank's Record Bathroom to catch busy denizens, hoping they might sign a petition.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including skateboarders, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises warm jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now big enough to accidentally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Don Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in judiciously.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Maynard, a prominent picketer usually at the five-and-dime.
When sick citizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
Experts are not sure what turns locals into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we need help!
Recent studies indicate four out of 10 Jasoniaians are peacefully suffering from an illness that demands medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the needs of only 50% of those individuals.
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
The Honduras war came close to ending yesterday when rioters destroyed Prime Minister Haslam. They were certain they had him when rioters moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the happy dictator outwitted them forcefully.
Habid Hoffermeyer, leader of the opposition speculates that Haslam must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a picketer and slipped through his lines. The capitalist running dog lackeys were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
What first attracted numerous denizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," observed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."
"This is the most parched, bright, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one cyclist.
More awful news to report for the inhabitants of Thailand. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to threaten the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving unnecessarily-trained cats and recyclable styrofoams, the lethargic group threatened their target.
Sheneena Silva, owner of Roberta Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion League, is collecting food and money for affected victims of indigestion in Thailand. Donations may be brought to Clothing Hut at Nicolas's Market overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.