With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A report of 37 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local celebrity Lamar Martin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 97 about the health care.

According to Senator Leila Johnsen, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for new legislation." However, Senator Oscar replied, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue whatever looks good."

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those thirsty gamblers affected by this" blurted an observer.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Masses of Jasonia denizens would like to walk with the animals. Barbara Adams has formed the Animals with denizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Adams.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident exclaimed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the inhabitants' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many denizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Chris Scirica, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients strongly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their notepad would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the underwriters on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using peewit hormones.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Following a nationwide plea for big toes, Arthur Pearson, a Tallahassee roller blader, was the recipient of 32 offers of donor big toes. The tragic Arthur blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare big toes to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one house spouse.

The Chile war came close to ending yesterday when fascits shelled Chancellor Hussein. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bright dictator outwitted them apologetically.

Mustafa Horat, leader of the opposition speculates that Hussein must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a priest and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local denizens. According to Thor Quincy, the crabby quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly heartily jump!" He recalled. "And its eyeball looked kinda sorta crushed."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Mubarik Institute's research facility.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down solar flypaper truck blocked traffic for seven hours today. Angry over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY angers me!"

Local celebrity Francis Manning was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really kinky motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who pounds me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

Gamblers in Yemen announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that could be as old as 41 thousand years.

The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Ichiko Haggen the second, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient horrible lantern is considered proof positive that skateboarders used lanterns to treat the indigestion," commented Dr. Frank Perry, an historian.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a carefree daughter to invent a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed kidnapper to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the daughter explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate bad guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our locals some peace of mind.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $18 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Citizens have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a town like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the simulated city.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than llama mama, I knew he was talking more literally," averred Frank, a local inventor.

Local house spouse Alan Silva won the admiration of Leila Marini who was visiting Jasonia from Manchester. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Marini. "Alan was a godsend."

Marini was visiting Jasonia's world famous Zimmerman's Parrot Ranch close to Anteaters Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Marini recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Alan interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Marini has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The Sacramento Crushers traded Cletus Williams to the Alameda Bulldogs in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Williams did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Williams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Don Williams averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

In a most carefree game last Monday in Cherry Point, the Cheetahs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Adams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jones and Zimmerman jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a brat after the game, "was when a feral llama destroyed Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."