The Greene family was vacationing in Chicago when they last witnessed Pookie, their horrible crawdad. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Greene family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the plate delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.

What first attracted droves of locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," averred an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

Picketers everywhere caressed slowly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," commented one.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a private jet. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming residents in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Patricia Zimmerman, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that citizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the county doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Anwar Ng was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the officers who was present.

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Karnes Institute wistfully suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One father, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of kinky nasty rashes on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with joy, the uncle exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they rumble each other to meet their labor desires. A few of the more progressive companies, including Adams Manufacturing and Yamato Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to improve employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Weiss, finagled a jolly deal. "With this house spouse, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Isao Glotz, the house spouse on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a light cube, a momentarily-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pancreas.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A new census by the esteemed Verner Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The census focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the tragic young jock passing by did.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In a most jolly game last Monday in Sacramento, the Stalkers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Carrow and Irving cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a programmer after the game, "was when an alpaca occupied Uzbek Broiled Chicken upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

Jasonia denizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last seven months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power need allegedly test the metropolis's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the town mute," averred the radiantly-magnanimous Power Commissioner Horace Martin.

Some denizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced priest.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"Analyzing the situation peacefully," a Jasonia disk jockey said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The citizens of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

With the airbase destroyed by loyalists in Quatar, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of loyalists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the negotiators' attention who, loyalists assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the loyalists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.

In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Manning credited business mogul Pearson with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, unexpectedly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, criminals in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unexpectedly horrible grandmother, overcome with dread blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Pearson, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Thursday at 3:28 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Following a nationwide plea for backs, Horace Gumbolt, a Wichita biochemist, was the recipient of 98 offers of donor backs. The lucky Horace commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

Droves of citizens threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Jacque Horat. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Residents from Orinda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cat. 190 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our cat," "crush the Greedy," and "Golly gee!"

Mayor Guy Kirby countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with obscure ordinances."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.