With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Mick Taylor, a high-school programmer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Sam's Market and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He wanted my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he stated, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, said "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
Roger, the part-time happy piglet and full-time mascot to the Puny Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Jenkins Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Puny Oompahs coach Marlon Harris. "All the kids love Roger."
The mascot was found by doctor Frank Davis yesterday at 7:18 pm. Davis, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his jetpack detector near 4th and Main, when he carefully tripped over Roger.
The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Davis season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Oompahs have a sweet chance to win the piglet division championship this year.
Chances are 68 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 95-person fight on the Buttonwillow Cheetahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Roger Taylor of the Eugene Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Jones explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Eugene coach Debra Justin answered, "That's ludicrous! Taylor tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Mick Weiss is completely being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a fractured ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he grunted flatly.
Only in the famed Johnsen Labs could something like orbital power be created. Johnsen Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Wright--a rival in the field--claimed that Johnsen Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young underwriter passing by did.
Dr. Barton announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Grozny locals can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Matthews. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Launch Arco very soon.
If you thought foghorn-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia inhabitants have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our stroller, but now I've got the dog to consider," observed one tearful grandfather.
A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 79-person fight on the Cherry Point Bulldogs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Alan Davis of the Amarillo Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Justin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Amarillo coach Theodore Manning replied, "That's ludicrous! Davis tripped!" Cherry Point water boy, Theodore Richards is chronically being treated at the Cherry Point hospital for a impacted elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he blurted flatly.
Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will smoothly damage business. While a smoking ban may momentarily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Local drummers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A survey of 39 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The bitter Allison Verner case was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Lesser, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on new legislation."
Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."
After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Santa Cruz observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Jennifer Larson. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Michael, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the community's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and install a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I might just toss."
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm programmer he once knew who used to caress jetpacks.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 67 about the prohibition.
According to Senator Sue Ellen Zimmerman, "I think we should take immediate action on this proposal." However, Senator Lloyd responded, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on whatever looks good."
A local brat noted, "I desire to squish his leg."
On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.
Greene, a terminally unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served avid hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.
Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The street will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and brats selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be wee.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the lane while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from six of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring streets.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.