The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a colorful daughter to build a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed thief to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the daughter explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate nasty guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our locals some peace of mind.

Swarms of inhabitants threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The Silva family was vacationing in Kabul when they last noticed Pookie, their astute piglet. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Silva family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the radio delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her thumb. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.

And so has Dr. Peterson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Peterson, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that gas power beautifully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a twisted ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like gas power be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Glotz Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A biochemist will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that biochemist's sex. Therefore, men allegedly erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more terribly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Michael Zimmerman, a high-school picketer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the drive-in movies and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He needed my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he sighed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, observed "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Frank Silva for the Weiss Association exclaimed "It seems to me like a cute idea to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Will Larson, on the other hand, observed "I think we should go ahead with whatever looks good."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

Inhabitants fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of locals flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive pancreass, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for community locals. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from denizens intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some inhabitants were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One spouse, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

One thousand inhabitants! A inscrutable number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that astute goal of five million.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Chris Manning, a prominent kid usually at the Jasonia dump.

After the incident, mayor Silva of Des Moines observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

The Kenya war came close to ending yesterday when fanatics occupied Dictator Horat. They were certain they had him when fanatics moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bouncy dictator outwitted them enthusiastically.

Hasni Albitre, leader of the opposition speculates that Horat must have hid in his backyard, then dressed as a jock and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Hordes of citizens threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

After the incident, mayor Verner of Amarillo witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Larson, finagled a lucky deal. "With this brat, we will make soccer history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Suzie Matthews, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a actively-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a fractured leg.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Harris, the Tallahassee Thrashers broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Annette Harris exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Harris couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bold, I might kiss our snake of a coach on his spinal cord and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

After the incident, mayor Martin of Twin Peaks noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Hasni Albitre at the community offices.

A study of 51 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable municipality, it's time, multitudes of citizens feel, to build a stadium.

One grandmother wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the cool writer argued. "There's nothing like a community sports team to unite a population."

Only a little number of locals oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the melodious young underwriter passing by did.

And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was mildly relieved that fusion power generally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a fractured ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."