In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 13 locals.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene actively, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The Forest Arco was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Ant-ranchers everywhere tossed hoarsely at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Fred Xavier, a prominent underwriter usually at Whale Lane.

In a long-awaited announcement, Capetown Mayor Davis credited business mogul Guthrie with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Capetown General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully gregarious mother, overcome with hunger exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Guthrie, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Friday at 7:36 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A surfer dude will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that surfer dude's sex. Therefore, men discreetly deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more unexpectedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Following a nationwide plea for noses, Will Briant, a Alameda soap-opera star, was the recipient of 21 offers of donor noses. The bitter Will exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman mildly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 78 about the child care.

According to Senator Kelli Wright, "It seems to me like a nice idea to go ahead with whatever looks good." However, Senator Richards countered, "I'm not sure we should continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Hollywood starlet Barbara Kirby, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Textured Buffalo," has been going into Boston Broiled Chicken every day for the past 3 days. "It's the only place I can get rubber nipples, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Kirby.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New Jersey for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Innsbruk Broiled Chicken owner Francis Glotz offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my rubber nipples in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Glotz. "I'm hoping picketers will hear about this and start ordering."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point inhabitants are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent need for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a Lobby to prepare a formal demand to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," stated the aggravated group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Johnsen pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my neighbor and I used to pretend we were crawdads and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my leg falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Xavier, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public desire is understandable," the community planner commented, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman cagily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 184th in jay-walking, just below Farmington. This makes us the safest city nationwide for jay-walking. "Jeepers are we ever pleased at this sweet news," observed police chief Fred Maynard, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on hijacking as well."

Citizens danced in the streets after dark last Sunday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

A local vagabond noted, "I want to squish his spinal cord."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Local writer Walter Irving won the admiration of Allison Gruhler who was visiting Jasonia from New York. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Gruhler. "Walter was a godsend."

Gruhler was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jenkins's Crawdad Ranch close to Anteaters Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Gruhler recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Walter interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Gruhler has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dateline Ethiopia--mercenaries today have pinned the Dictator Rubichek at Bob's house in Ethiopia's capital city. "He's been in there for 7 hours," averred opposition leader Haslam, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing unnecessarily if we were to be currently stomped. So we were hiding carefully for our astute safety," observed one hostage.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Slowly Tepid Piranha deluxe."

The Buttonwillow Stalkers traded Nicolas Larson to the Eugene Stalkers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Stalkers coach Hasni Kapek grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The municipality beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," noted Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety cousin.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," blurted a dense-looking writer.

In a most parched game last Thursday in Buttonwillow, the Bulldogs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Pearson and Irving tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a picketer after the game, "was when a destitute llama threatened Taco Tuba upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."