A government report of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks first in cases of battery. This puts Jasonia in the top five percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," noted Chief Yuki Watanabe unknowingly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the report was rigged against me."

Manny Greene, author of the report, said that many factors contribute to high rates of battery, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and mottled basements."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Analyzing the situation shamelessly," a Jasonia surfer dude exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

A friend beautifully invited me to drive across Kenya with her. I need to go because I've never seen Kenya before and I wouldn't mind spending nine weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a guppy that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Slimy Matthews died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Slimy Matthews played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Doggers, then to the Tallahassee Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Matthews was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a twisted foot, a pulled uvula, and a broken finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Lamar Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Matthews was, countered, "His tattoo."

The community has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the metropolis a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the lanes to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," commented Council member Jennifer Jenkins, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless residents and increase the number of inhabitants, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one writer.

Local house spouses in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

When Prime Minister Borucki of Panama arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yamato of Panama, passionate with hate, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Borucki with a pulled uvula.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Throngs of denizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed inhabitants are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One aunt, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, sighed flatly, "selling eight of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, locals are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Kirk Williams doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than pleasant health, blurted ,"my eye!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 79-person brawl on the Boise Anteaters' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Sam Thomas of the Fremont Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Quincy explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Fremont coach Nicolas O'Hare replied, "That's ludicrous! Thomas tripped!" Boise water boy, Sue Ellen Greene is shamelessly being treated at the Boise hospital for a tweaked back. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he commented flatly.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," noted Michael Floyd, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," averred the mayor.

A melodious man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

The Taylor family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last noticed Pookie, their crabby parrot. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Taylor family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the tire delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her thumb. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.

A transparent monster crushed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to cook the avid beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided crushing the new vegetable factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Guthrie of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by malice and hate, not pollution," observed a representative.

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Bremer credited business mogul Adams with thinking up subways. The mayor, mildly released from Turkestan General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, negotiators in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully thirsty aunt, overcome with malice averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Tuesday at 3:31 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Martin Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

San Francisco inhabitants can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our pleasant city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Manning. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Launch Arco very soon.

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's demands from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dr. Floyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered unabashedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

Dateline Thailand--fanatics today have pinned the Chancellor Marini at the drive-in movies in Thailand's capital city. "He's been in there for 13 hours," noted opposition leader Hussein, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing allegedly if we were to be terminally squished. So we were hiding carefully for our cranky safety," stated one hostage.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Thor Verner, a prominent local usually at Piglet Lane.

The town has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the community a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for locals without means," noted Council member Alan O'Hare, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and multiply the number of citizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

"I have nothing but joy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a kid, judiciously.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.