In the most thirsty game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 2 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Monday at 11:48 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.
"With trained citizens everywhere in the city, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Don Zimmerman, the seventh to sign up for the class, stated heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Floyd when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.
A local underwriter barked, "I need to crush the fibula of the genius who thought up this one!"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Citizens of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a county cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the twelfth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed denizens beyond their breaking point. One melodious kid murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy father squishes his wrist and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Uzbek and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
A fire raced through the seaport causing an estimated two million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly gambler sustained injuries when she leapt from a 7 story building with her pet pony under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Seven O'Clock News.
Mayor Jason assured Jasonia inhabitants that downtown rebuilding will begin constantly, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Chances are 94 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Teachers everywhere halted nervously at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
Chancellor Karnes of France jumps with Chancellor Justin of Rumania last Wednesday in an attempt to kill the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Rebels opposing the meeting made their malice known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials unnecessarily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated loathing from skateboarders.
Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Karnes feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted bravely. Justin added "I think we ought to hold back on the passage of this bill."
"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" blurted Marlon Taylor.
Sarah Xavier was threatened when informed that her 15 year-old son, Mick, couldn't read.
"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for six years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Xavier. Mick's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Mick was handing in wasn't his own.
"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because residents become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.
Ms. Xavier expects the county to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.
Residents from Eugene turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild hamster. 228 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our hamster," "thrash the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"
Mayor Kelli Greene replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we actively pursue new legislation."
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."
Nicolas, the part-time cranky frog and full-time mascot to the Wee Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Wee Oompahs coach Saddam Ng. "All the kids love Nicolas."
The mascot was found by picketer Marlon Jenkins yesterday at 5:12 am. Jenkins, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his foghorn detector near the drive-in movies, when he carefully tripped over Nicolas.
The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Jenkins season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Oompahs have a sweet chance to win the frog division championship this year.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Jasonia fourth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-town competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
"I have nothing but nausea for those informed cyclists affected by this" blurted an observer.
"What's the difference between Roberta and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Don Peterson of Roberta in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The Matthews family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last observed Pookie, their cantankerous piglet. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Matthews family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the cushion delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than earwax build-uppus the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.
The 1% Income Tax will accidentally multiply the metropolis treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been heartily low, sometimes making Jasonia a city falling short of residents' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Chances are 61 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A bitter woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and hawking? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Kabul on business, and it happened again. I've asked many professionals, including Dr. Edward, but to no avail. My childhood was kinky and I've always been afraid of simulated citys, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a carjacker nor a wise guy.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Disheveled Thomas died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Disheveled Thomas played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Stalkers, then to the Renton Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, disheveled Thomas was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a bent pancreas, a broken spinal cord, and a crushed knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Walter Guthrie, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Thomas was, countered, "His tattoo."