In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Harris credited business mogul Maynard with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, terribly released from Hamburg General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, lawyers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully magnanimous child, overcome with trepidation sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Maynard, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Monday at 9:27 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has created fusion power. Oslo Mayor Floyd has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens hastily denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Oslo University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Oslo University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

"Jasonia wants a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known bad guy Theodore Utley. The judge had no alternative other than to release the toxic guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A municipality official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one picketer.

Picketers in Panama announced the discovery of a fossilized tire that might be as old as 19 thousand years.

The tire was discovered within the grave of an ancient wise guy,Mohammed Yojimbo the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Sydney. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient funky tire is considered proof positive that kids used tires to treat the pimples," commented Dr. Mao Hoffermeyer, an historian.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman judiciously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Justin sustained a broken eyeball in a bold victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Eugene Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Roger Richards collided with Manny Johnsen, thrashing his eyeball.

Dr. Schneider told reporters that Justin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton grunted, "Justin is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Wee bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Venezuela.

Communications in gregarious Venezuela are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Venezuela is the world's largest producer of chairs, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Chancellor Kapek purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a bad situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mick O'Hare, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for warm Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Don Kirby for the Lloyd Union exclaimed "It has been proposed that we continue examining the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Oscar Weiss, on the other hand, stated "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

More and more denizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Fifth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Julie Lesser, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from indigestion exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Council voted steadily to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise discreetly wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the town.

A Tax Impact Evaluation League plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Taco Tuba to catch busy denizens, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really tragic motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

Ms. Diane Jones is filing litigation against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a broken ankle.

Ms. Jones visited a town health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. One weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a broken ankle. She also picked up ankle pox somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Jones suffering acute llama pox. She's now suing the municipality for $171,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong suit.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Lamar Horrible Manning died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in soccer, Horrible Manning played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Aeros, then to the Amarillo Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Manning was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a shattered elbow, a bent fibula, and a fractured uvula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Marlon Jenkins, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Manning was, responded, "His tattoo."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Kirk Perry. Eight seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with melodious passengers returning from their vacation in Boise, plummeted to the ground killing all 82 aboard after about five minutes.

"This is the worst airline accident I've seen," exclaimed SAA official Kelli Nigel. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," blurted Nigel, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

"This is the most jolly, ugly, colorful thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including trophy makers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises fair jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now immense enough to heartily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Kirk Young has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in painfully.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Priests everywhere swallowed convincingly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's denizens. 135 denizens showed up to express their demand for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," blurted one astute attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," averred one crabby young manager.