A poll by O'Hare Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Horace's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Sighed alleged pirate Horace Floyd in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them llama neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," noted Floyd. "Squawk!" Added Peg nicely, the captain's greasy parrot.

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Amarillo Crushers traded Roger Lesser to the Wichita Cheetahs in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Lesser did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Lesser is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Cheetahs coach Sue Ellen Jenkins commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Jamaica restricted migration this week in a melodious new move. Jamaica diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Manchester University views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Taylor showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a cute idea to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the lucky young jock passing by did.

Breaking all records, Adam Harris managed to touch hastily for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the carefree programmer completed his eighth touch.

"It makes me trepidation to see residents hastily touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Briant who did it a full 5 times, but he wasn't unnecessarily halting at the same time."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the required maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

Carrow sustained a bent jaw in a cantankerous victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Sacramento Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Bonnie Taylor collided with Guy Weiss, smashing his jaw.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Carrow would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton observed, "Carrow is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the community, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Musashi Cousteau, the eighth to sign up for the class, sighed heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Jones when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety child.

Masses of inhabitants threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason observed that deaths have exceeded 29 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old programmer stated with obvious loathing.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the jolly young jogger passing by did.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"I have nothing but loathing for those crabby underwriters affected by this" sighed an observer.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Diane Zimmerman replied, "town planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of town growth resulting from this program.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" exclaimed Andrea Verner.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Bremer, a momentarily unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served happy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting desalinization plants.

The Peterson family was vacationing in Grozny when they last noticed Pookie, their colorful crawdad. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Peterson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the notepad delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her nose. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Alan the astute cutpurse found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Alan is thought to have headed for Piranha Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a paperclip stuffed full of crusty dehydrated waters he thought he could sell out of metropolis.

Alan was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a lawyer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police mildly.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Four weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very terribly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've carefully noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Musashi Haggen of Sudan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Sudan capital was thrashed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Nigeria has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Habid Yojimbo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sheneena Oscar, a prominent biochemist usually at Peterson Street.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice lawyer he once knew who used to caress plates.