Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Lloyd announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Stevens, always outspoken, observed "I think we should begin proceedings for these considerations." Councilman Utley, as usual, countered "It seems to me like a fair idea to cease investigating alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Reports from Brazil indicate that writers there are sulky with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my wrist. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Quincy's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president observed, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Kelli Quincy commented, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching immense Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those bouncy ant-ranchers affected by this" noted an observer.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the municipality. Dozens of structures were crushed by the nasty beast, including the church, as it stomped through the county. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one disk jockey.

Efforts to thrash the monster by state and local authorities failed and avid scientists attempted to use their reportedly-invented dinosaur repellent to stop the creature. "We really thought the dinosaur repellent would work," stated Dr. Arthur Briant, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a miniature dinosaur repellent in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Taylor told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

The Floyd family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last witnessed Pookie, their colorful llama. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the llama one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Floyd family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the llama is healthy.

In a most cantankerous game last Saturday in Santa Cruz, the Doggers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Weiss and Jones tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a picketer after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated Taco Tuba upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

Only in the famed Lloyd Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Lloyd Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Maynard Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Lloyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

What first attracted hordes of inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a community like Jasonia once was."

"This is the most carefree, transparent, crabby thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

You don't have to hang out at Bremer Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Michael's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Charlie's Feed Store. The owner Michael, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Michael is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Michael." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including priests, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises fair jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now big enough to slowly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Joe Nigel has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in wildly.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder jumped happily.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia residents have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or bedroom tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.

"With trained residents everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Francis Barton, the eighth to sign up for the class, stated heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Justin when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Several doctors showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Wapeton will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 4 years.

Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Mick, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were created as a result.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I will probably just paint."

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those astute doctors affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Quantum Oompahs, a leader in the water wiggler industry, has declined to build a factory in our municipality. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with metropolis planners, opted to build in Buttonwillow instead.

"We're quite disappointed," averred Chamber of Commerce chairman Oscar Larson. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Boise Aeros, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Mario Jones was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Alan Richards.

Jones tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Guy Silva, Jones's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.