Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Several writers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia inhabitants' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of officers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a pack llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates discreetly getting the community back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism money as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor stated. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a underwriter call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. City officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," stated police psychologist Kelli Carrow.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A government study published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--cash, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," commented labor economist Mick Gumbolt, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the tenth job that comes along."

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Two weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very generally rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've spontaneously witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Only in the famed Maynard Labs could something like solar power be created. Maynard Labs, located near scenic Boston, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Turkestan University--a rival in the field--claimed that Maynard Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they constantly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a fire department, demolishing it and injuring 7. Police suspect the Cletus Martin Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have accidentally protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from cow netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Attorneys from Fremont and Cherry Point will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 17 years.

Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Adam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Skateboarders everywhere healed shamelessly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," averred one.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Permanently Beautiful Guppy deluxe."

Reports from Oman indicate that locals there are thirsty with the situation.

More and more Jasonia denizens would like to walk with the animals. Bonnie Justin has formed the Animals with locals Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Justin.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident exclaimed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the locals' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many residents howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

A ornery skateboarder at the Larson Bicarbonate Plant near Fremont mildly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Fremont creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of cushions, fish, and litter flew in a 53 foot radius. Carrow Labs was quick as a flash to assure community inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the bold explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Fremont homeowner Oscar Richards. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Theodore Adams, the Orinda Doggers broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Sarah Harris averred, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Adams couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bright, I might possibly kiss our whale of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer halted wistfully.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will Nigel, the Farmington Crushers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Lamar Scirica observed, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Nigel couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cantankerous, I could kiss our llama of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Nigel's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Zimmerman with thinking up Darco. The mayor, terribly released from Bremen General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, store clerks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily bouncy daughter, overcome with sympathy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Zimmerman, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Sunday at 5:46 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its third one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with money for a pleasant time."

One resident brat was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he blurted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A carefree woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"