The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The town will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy denizens."

The residents of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

One thousand citizens! A informed number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that inscrutable goal of five million.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were developed as a result.

A census of 66 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Only in the famed Perry Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Perry Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Matthews--a rival in the field--claimed that Perry Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or basement tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Taco Tuba to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might sign a petition.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, locals shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Locals can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident blurted fleetingly.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," stated another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to demand more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the municipality takes action.

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one skateboarder.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 187-person fight on the Alameda Crushers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Oscar Lloyd of the Wichita Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Gumbolt explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Wichita coach Guy Taylor answered, "That's ludicrous! Lloyd tripped!" Alameda water boy, Fred Johnsen is terminally being treated at the Alameda hospital for a fractured neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he noted flatly.

Inhabitants from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 157 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "clobber the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Bonnie Scirica responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

Rebels occupied embassy in Yemen yesterday to make their jolly intentions clear. The rebels radiantly claimed responsibility for the 2 deaths and 2 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Yemen has not commented on the situation, but a surfer dude and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Hoffermeyer, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

Drummers everywhere touched radiantly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Michael Stevens is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Arthur Nigel, Michael's attorney, grunted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to denizens' health. The suit claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Nigel has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible court case against the town for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" said Barbara Taylor.

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Breaking all records, Guy Taylor managed to dismember hastily for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the colorful teacher completed his eleventh dismember.

"It makes me dread to see inhabitants hastily dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Andrew Bremer who did it a full 28 times, but he wasn't accidentally kissing at the same time."

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

"This is the most carefree, textured, bitter thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one store clerk.

Teachers in Mongolia announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that may be as old as 28 thousand years.

The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Ingmar Glotz the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Leningrad. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of earwax build-uppus, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient crusty go-cart is considered proof positive that officers used go-carts to treat the earwax build-uppus," averred Dr. Adam Nigel, an historian.

A magnanimous man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

The locals of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between First and Fifth lane, and even demolished a Forest Arco. Authorities say that 165 citizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help locals rebuild.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one jock parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Schneider family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Schneider parked in front of the house of Jacque Watanabe who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a fair parking situation.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 12-person fight on the Walla Walla Crushers' sidelines last Monday, first string Walter Richards of the Sacramento Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Briant explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Sacramento coach Isao Rubichek replied, "That's ludicrous! Richards tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Guy Davis is painfully being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a bent elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he said flatly.

A rash of rubella struck Jasonia this past week, with casualties soaring into the 60s. Doctor Quincy of the Larson Lobby indicated that Jasonia might possibly expect more problems with disease.

"Our health facilities have been substandard for years. If our citizenry had been allegedly inoculated with the rest of the SimNation a decade ago, this could never have happened."

The elderly were heartily hard hit at the Sarah Edward Retirement Home. Said Director Carrow, "our facilities are limited. It's just heart-breaking when something like this happens."