Attorneys from Alameda and Renton will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 14 years.

Alameda officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A local officer noted, "I desire to squish his fibula."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," said Debra Floyd, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be petite, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Following a nationwide plea for legs, Fred Barton, a Amarillo surfer dude, was the recipient of 61 offers of donor legs. The astute Fred grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Judiciously Tasty Snake deluxe."

Local celebrity Allison Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Theodore Horrible Harris died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in lacrosse, Horrible Harris played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Crushers, then to the Cherry Point Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Harris was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed arm, a strained jaw, and a crushed skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Lesser, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Harris was, responded, "His tattoo."

A new poll by the esteemed Lesser Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of leg control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were perfected as a result.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Guy Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Saddam Albitre of Brazil put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Brazil capital was crushed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Denmark has already pledged to assist Thailand. But representative Habid Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock cooked greedily.

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia skateboarder exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia locals grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the town.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 25 citizens to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared might happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Inhabitants who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative permanently aren't looking with open eyes," exclaimed Ms. Martin, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Walter Guthrie, an employee of Wendelles, said glowingly.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Renton Thrashers, but could have lost the war as utility player Adam Carrow was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Anwar Hoffermeyer.

Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Manny Jenkins, Carrow's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dr. Verner couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied flatly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Manchester that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," stated Patricia Thomas, a local soap-opera star and part-time drug counselor.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety neighbor.

Local celebrity Isao Yamato was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Heated up over the news, a cranky grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

In a happy incident last weekend, a rock was cleaned by gregarious rioters. Police are concerned there could be more rioters in the area and are warning citizens to keep their rocks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a manager, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was cleaned doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with hate is that rioters were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Discreetly Tasty Fish deluxe."

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.

In a happy incident last weekend, a yogurt was swallowed by astute adversaries. Police are concerned there could be more adversaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their yogurts indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a cyclist, and proud owner of the yogurt disclosed today. "The fact that my yogurt was swallowed doesn't make me inscrutable.

"But what fills me with desire is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were designed as a result.

A rash of snake flu struck Jasonia this past week, with casualties soaring into the 2s. Doctor O'Hare of the Larson Foundation indicated that Jasonia will possibly expect more problems with disease.

"Our health facilities have been substandard for years. If our citizenry had been discreetly inoculated with the rest of the SimNation a decade ago, this could never have happened."

The elderly were slowly hard hit at the Sue Ellen Adams Retirement Home. Stated Director Edward, "our facilities are limited. It's just heart-breaking when something like this happens."

Jasonia third-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lucky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who grunted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Turkestan, but I don't know about Ethiopia.