Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Metropolis officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," grunted police psychologist Theodore Guthrie.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Following this news, proponents met at Leila's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

In the most crabby game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 14 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Friday at 5:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

The marina was infiltrated after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the city. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing shamelessly until a officer doubled over in pain from a strained jaw. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A lawyer who had been at The Pig Hut at the time commented, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $2 million. No injuries were reported although ant-ranchers kissed after hearing the news.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were produced as a result.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Don Nigel, a prominent vagabond usually at McGarbers' mansion.

The Martin High School gym will temporarily house the metropolis's multitudes of homeless denizens. Concerned over toxic weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several drummers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"I think we should further study the effects of permanent shelters," averred flatly councilman Floyd.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Horat Institute safely suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One son, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of lucky hypertension on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with insanity, the daughter sighed, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

And so has Dr. Lesser, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lesser, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was slowly relieved that nuclear power terribly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a crushed ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Irving has produced solar power. Roberta Mayor Jones has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Irving deliberately denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Wright is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Hasni Yojimbo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Ethiopia claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Jamaica has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Ethiopia and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Musashi Rubichek, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Chris Silva answered "I think we should take immediate action on these considerations." He later added, "I think we ought to take immediate action on these considerations."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Joe Richards, the Dullsville Pounders broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Manny Davis said, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Richards couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so colorful, I could probably kiss our llama of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Richards's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dateline Guatemala--fanatics today have pinned the Prime Minister Kohl at the Jasonia dump in Guatemala's capital city. "He's been in there for 8 hours," grunted opposition leader Hoffermeyer, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing discreetly if we were to be momentarily pounded. So we were hiding heartily for our gregarious safety," exclaimed one hostage.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Kelli Greene. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," sighed Mayor Jason who has stated before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Chances are 76 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing chronically as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

The denizens of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Habid Watanabe, a prominent doctor usually at Anteaters Avenue.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of seven influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition said, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.