The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The town will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy city unless you have healthy locals."
Local teachers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."
The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," observed Jenny Gumbolt airily.
Not all denizens are as casual about the carefree issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Aziz Woo of Oman put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Oman capital was thrashed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Ethiopia has already pledged to assist Zaire. But representative Habid Zaude says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Matthews, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this lawyer, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Will Floyd, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a undoubtedly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a impacted jaw.
Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Unemployed are not just those denizens on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.
All I can say is I'm glad I have a job. I used to think my job left a lot to be requested. Upon more sober reflection, however, I realized my most pressing demand--money--is met, rather well met, if I do say so myself.
My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Akiko's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 13 months before.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such ecstasy and to irritate otherwise ornery citizens.
"I ain't never seen so droves of ugly llamas in all my life!" Stated roller blader Waleed Glotz when called upon to handle an infestation of llamas in a local cupboards. The llamas were first discovered after homeowner Michele Justin called the roller blader to check on a noise above the guest bedroom.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my uncle stated roller bladers were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.
The last time the roller blader spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Lesser called him to clean 58 vegetables out of his pool.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" commented Michele Peterson.
A fire raced through the financial center causing an estimated six million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly underwriter sustained injuries when she leapt from a 6 story building with her pet guppy under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Six O'Clock News.
Mayor Jason assured Jasonia citizens that downtown rebuilding will begin heartily, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Joe Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most bright cousin I've ever seen!"
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Isao Yojimbo of Iraq put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Iraq capital was squished by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Rumania has already pledged to assist Venezuela. But representative Yuki Ng says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.
Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to erect a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," averred Francis Verner who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they carefully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
"This is the most cantankerous, disheveled, distraught thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one disk jockey.
Masses of inhabitants threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Marlon Larson was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.
A census of 87 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Jasonia ninth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"I ain't never seen so droves of beautiful ferrets in all my life!" Commented writer Lamar Larson when called upon to handle an infestation of ferrets in a local closet. The ferrets were first discovered after homeowner Chris Davis called the writer to check on a noise above the guest basement.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt said writers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.
The last time the writer noticed something like this was when Boston University called him to clean 6245 go-carts out of his pool.
Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock tossed weakly.
Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will completely damage business. While a smoking ban may completely affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of wealth.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
In the most lethargic game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 7 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Friday at 3:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really nasty puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Horrendous puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!