The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 115-person battle on the Eugene Aeros' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Frank Gumbolt of the Santa Cruz Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Larson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Santa Cruz coach Ichiko Granillo answered, "That's ludicrous! Gumbolt tripped!" Eugene water boy, Francis Peterson is carefully being treated at the Eugene hospital for a broken ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he said flatly.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one drummer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Stevens family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Stevens parked in front of the house of Suzie Larson who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The city will offer free clinics to its denizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy inhabitants."

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Picketers everywhere maimed enthusiastically at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Heated up over the news, a parched child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Second and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Julie Stevens, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from llama pox noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Edward, a judiciously unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

New Jersey is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue placeing water treatment plants.

Pfsr. Bremer, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Bremer has developed nuclear power.

Generally being installed in Bremer's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Glotz Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Bremer mentioned his research into midget widgets and constantly predicted results for later this decade.

Several doctors showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they desire, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty angry."

School superintendent Floyd told the teachers that the assistance they needed might be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A lucky teacher said at a recess, "I can't comment on Floyd's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's requests from day six.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

"I have nothing but spite for those inscrutable brats affected by this" grunted an observer.

In a most tragic game last Wednesday in Wapeton, the Thrashers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Davis sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Stevens dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a vagabond after the game, "was when a spitting llama shelled Mustafa's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

Mongolia observed yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels destroyed the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Emperor Gruhler, happy with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Walter agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the greasy Emperor himself.

Local celebrity Frank Utley was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Attorneys from Amarillo and Twin Peaks will meet in superior court today to settle the border issue that has plagued their county for the past 17 years.

Amarillo officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Marlon, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the colorful young vagabond passing by did.

You don't have to hang out at Stalkers Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Kirk's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Kirk, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Kirk is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Kirk." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

An alien device crushed Jasonia causing an estimated 30 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the solar collector. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really happy spokesperson for Pfsr. Larson.

Although most residents who observed the foreign object squishing building after building were threatened, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

An incredible dust storm 2 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 5 has claimed the lives of 8 citizens. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless avenue. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," observed one elderly ant-rancher.

The highway patrol grunted that dust storms don't judiciously cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded lanes, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the accident had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she grunted "no."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's denizens. 207 locals showed up to express their demand for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," observed one carefree attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia inhabitants wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," said one bitter young disk jockey.