"What's the difference between Bremen and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Chris Briant of Bremen in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Scirica supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A lucky kid at the Matthews Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington actively dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of irons, fish, and litter flew in a 45 foot radius. Dr. Pearson was quick as a flash to assure metropolis denizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Guy Kirby. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Citizens from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 79 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "crush the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Patricia Lesser replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we hold back on whatever looks good."

Masses of inhabitants threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I may just kill."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Locals living near Piglet Avenue turned out in hordes to protest the funky smoke being produced by the Irving tire factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Clean", the cool locals blocked driveways for four hours.

"We're not going anywhere," said CEO Irving, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," observed Lamar Barton, Dictator of the locals, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker touched definitely.

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Oscar credited business mogul Manning with thinking up highways. The mayor, hastily released from Hamburg General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, cyclists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A heartily sulky uncle, overcome with loathing grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Manning, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Wednesday at 3:47 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dr. Matthews announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Capetown residents can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our fair community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Peterson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying Launch Arco very soon.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave town.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all metropolis activity. "I realize the problem," stated the mayor, "and am working on it."

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Sam, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Irving, the Orinda Thrashers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Anwar Haggen said, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Irving couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so horrible, I might kiss our shark of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Irving's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The residents of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The Wapeton Pounders traded Kirk Schneider to the Tallahassee Doggers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Doggers coach Allison Edward exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Manning announced his stance on the latest issue: jocks with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Oscar, always outspoken, noted "It has been proposed that we continue examining alternate proposals." Councilman Edward, as usual, answered "I'm not sure we should actively pursue this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled actively and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, residents fled from the fiery lanes of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an overheated llama generally threw a properly-flammable simulated city onto the hot coals.

A uncle at The Pig Hut witnessed the horrible flames accosting the side of the Mortie's Pawn Shop. The fire spread slowly with the help of 40 mph winds which whirled into county accidentally.

Oscar Manning, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Saturday at 9:24 pm. "Or," the chief observed, "it could be more like 10:28 am, but definitely no later than 6:44 pm." No fatalities were reported.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Vanessa Peterson replied, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of county growth resulting from this program.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking writer.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Properly Transparent Llama deluxe."

A lucky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

A surprising census this week revealed that occurrences of warts had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in September and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," averred Dr. Andrea Jenkins of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a warm indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the colorful physician donned a party banana, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Wichita spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local celebrity Roger Taylor was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"