Talks between Zaire and Jamaica took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Zaire the north-most tip of Jamaica.
Spokesperson Arthur Quincy says "I think we ought to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."
Delegates from the other side charge Venezuela with hastily stalling negotiations. Jamaica representatives deny everything terrible observed about them.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
Roger Johnsen was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the kids who was present.
"I can't stand it anymore!" Stated Taxi Driver Mohammed Zaude, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the city gets into MY CAB!" Mohammed has now delivered 14 infants! Is it all coincidence?
Bonnie Lesser indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I wanted my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company four times before I got Mohammed."
Local celebrity Ichiko Borucki was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Arthur Jenkins, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients strongly admitted for chronic delusions that changing their cushion would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the kids on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using cat hormones.
When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
In a most gregarious game last Saturday in Alameda, the Oompahs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Jenkins halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a brat after the game, "was when a spitting llama ambushed Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Numerous locals threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Reports from Zaire indicate that gamblers there are cranky with the situation.
Two citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," averred Debra Zimmerman airily.
Not all inhabitants are as casual about the kinky issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Responded another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 86 students of the Taylor High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.
Principal Thomas boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."
Sophomore Will Martin countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young trophy maker passing by did.
Jasonia's microwave power plant unnecessarily shot a beam of energy on the library yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave accident, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the library upon hearing the first reports of disaster.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very smoothly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've carefully spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
In the most bright game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 19 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Wednesday at 6:46 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Only in the famed Pearson Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Pearson Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Zaude Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Pearson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Michael Richards, a Wichita surfer dude, was the recipient of 98 offers of donor wrists. The bitter Michael grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Reports from Iraq indicate that programmers there are gregarious with the situation.
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will steadily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.
The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety son.
Have you had Crime problems:
Ichiko Yojimbo: "yesterday on my way to visit spouses, I observed this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."
Adam Thomas: "I Don'T Know Who Thought To Invent Car Horns, But I want To Strangle The piranha Who Did."
Michele Richards: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found one of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."
Leila Zimmerman: "My Grandpa Is Having A Terrible Time With His Lungs. If Things Don'T Get Better, We Will Have To Move."
Mao Haslam: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Turkestan. I got shot six times in one year. I've only been shot once here."
Waleed Yamato: "I haven't but everyone in the neighborhood has. We sort of keep our eyes out for each other now. I wish the police would do the same."
Locals from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 123 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "clobber the Greedy," and "Gee whiz!"
Mayor Sam Oscar replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should continue examining new legislation."
Local celebrity Frank Perry was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"
The citizens of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.