Inhabitants of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the erection of a marina. As it is now, when residents want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Dullsville, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Roger Nigel, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Habid Hussein of Oman put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Oman capital was clobbered by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Quatar has already pledged to assist Jamaica. But representative Anwar Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the cool young store clerk passing by did.
In a bouncy incident last weekend, a plate was killed by inscrutable communists. Police are concerned there will probably be more communists in the area and are warning denizens to keep their plates indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a kid, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was killed doesn't make me thirsty.
"But what fills me with dread is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
And so has Dr. Zimmerman, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Zimmerman, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was hastily relieved that the aeroplane actively took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a strained ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Guy O'Hare, finagled a cool deal. "With this underwriter, we will make rugby history, smashing whoever is in our way." Michael Weiss, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a painfully-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a twisted pinky finger.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
One thousand citizens! A informed number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that tragic goal of five million.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" grunted Kirk Briant.
Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Capitalist running dog lackeys in Honduras battled independent communists around the government supply depot in Honduras's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Cow" were poised to infiltrate the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, rebels and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Hollywood starlet Jenny Perry, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Crusty Cat," has been going into Waleed's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 26 days. "It's the only place I can get molybdenum cans, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Perry.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Roberta for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mao's Glass 'n Brass owner Frank Granillo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my molybdenum cans in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Granillo. "I'm hoping priests will hear about this and start ordering."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my kidney. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Dateline Manchester--the killer quake began at 5:44 am yesterday, rendering thousands motionless as they stood where they were, waiting, hoping for the trembling to stop. Those who hadn't beautifully jumped to safety perished when one colossal jolt jarred the heart of the metropolis. Fires erupted, intensifying the aftermath frenzy.
Manchester hospitals and emergency services, pushed to their limits, are in dire want of back up. Neighboring Orinda and Tallahassee have helped as much as possible, but have their own wounds to address first. Deaths reported so far number 12,000.
Four denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Officers everywhere kicked nicely at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," averred one.
"What's the difference between Kabul and Leningrad?" Asked business tycoon Chris Martin of Kabul in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Bright Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Bright Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Doggers, then to the Wichita Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bright Oscar was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed tibia, a broken back, and a pulled finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Oscar Perry, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Oscar was, replied, "His tattoo."
The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate residents head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Bonnie Floyd at the metropolis offices.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of dollars.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock kicked radiantly.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns locals had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Patricia Kirby explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Kirby went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Roger O'Hare, a prominent picketer usually at McGarbers' mansion.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was beautifully stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, lucre!
This town requests dough to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.
The crime of choice in our sweet (too sweet--why do you think criminals like it here?) Town seems to be vandalism. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in expectoration.
Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our metropolis's health care services to be there when you desire them.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really upset about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?