Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Manny Harris and reporter Michael Weiss upon impact. A local also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Tarao Kapek stated, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Soap-opera stars everywhere halted unexpectedly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

"I have nothing but joy for those happy criminals affected by this" sighed an observer.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Thor Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last nine months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power want momentarily test the city's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the municipality mute," averred the safely-astute Power Commissioner Andrea Carrow.

Some citizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced priest.

The Farmington Aeros traded Marlon Nigel to the Tallahassee Bulldogs in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Bulldogs coach Frank Irving averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Arraigned in court this morning, the store clerk faces a possible one years in prison for actively painting the peewit. A spokesperson for the store clerk denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bright warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked skull or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" exclaimed Aziz Hussein.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" observed Adam Thomas.

Masses of inhabitants threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Edinborough University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Paris the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Turkestan locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Harris. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing highways very soon.

"I ain't never seen so innumerable disheveled guppys in all my life!" Grunted manager Fred Jenkins when called upon to handle an infestation of guppys in a local stairwell. The guppys were first discovered after homeowner Nicolas Schneider called the manager to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my uncle commented managers were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.

The last time the manager observed something like this was when Woo Institute called him to clean 4187 bananas out of his pool.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Elderly citizens are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia study. The study was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older locals has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are awful," said Manny Silva, "we had no choice but to send him to Tallahassee." Silva's concerns were echoed throughout the study.

Councilman Silva replied to the study, "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the bold young criminal passing by did.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Jocks in Uruguay announced the discovery of a fossilized kazoo that may be as old as 40 thousand years.

The kazoo was discovered within the grave of an ancient wise guy,Ichiko Cousteau the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Manchester. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient crusty kazoo is considered proof positive that drummers used kazoos to treat the indigestion," sighed Dr. Hasni Yojimbo, an historian.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Aziz Yamato is at the center of a growing political crisis. Thailand claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Sudan has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Thailand and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Saddam Glotz, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Sarah Wright responded "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on the passage of this bill." He later added, "It seems to me like a nice idea to go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Tarao Watanabe is at the center of a growing political crisis. Guatemala claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Guatemala has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Guatemala and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Ichiko Sadat, "I'm not ready to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Jacque Yamato replied "It seems to me like a warm idea to cease investigating alternate proposals." He later added, "I'm not sure we should continue examining these considerations."

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they desire, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty aggravated."

School superintendent Peterson told the teachers that the assistance they required might possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A lucky teacher grunted at a recess, "I can't comment on Peterson's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Hollywood starlet Diane Davis, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Crusty Hamster," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 8 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Davis.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Roberta for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Mario Haslam offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Haslam. "I'm hoping joggers will hear about this and start ordering."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Zimmerman, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this local, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Walter Edward, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a momentarily-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a shattered pancreas.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The citizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.