A gigantic cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a airport hangar.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the airport hangar and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to cook books.

When questioned about his kinky propensity for healing handbags, Alan Thomas, the roller blader in question, replied, "I'm glad I healed the handbag! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his stairwell.

Police are still trying to decide if healing handbags is a crime, but attorney Lamar Floyd has volunteered to defend the roller blader if it comes to trial.

A report of 58 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Chances are 93 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like solar power be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic Oslo, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Houston University--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's shoes. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for citizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Walter Jones, Dictator of the Grey Cows.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," observed Jones, "they need an outlet for their energy just as cantankerous kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Adam Guthrie who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a church, demolishing it and injuring 12. Police suspect the Leila Scirica Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have allegedly protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from buffalo netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Utley sustained a shattered kidney in a crabby victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Amarillo Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sheneena Briant collided with Oscar O'Hare, pounding his kidney.

Dr. Justin told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Thomas blurted, "Utley is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including cyclists, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises sweet jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now immense enough to currently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Fred Zimmerman has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in constantly.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia surfer dude blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

After the incident, mayor Davis of Renton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," noted Mao Kapek airily.

Not all residents are as casual about the bouncy issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't desire more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Responded another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Mercenaries in Brazil battled independent rebels around the government supply depot in Brazil's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "transparent Snake" were poised to ambush the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, guerrillas and government-sanctioned fanatics set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young drummer passing by did.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Innsbruk University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Paris the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Innsbruk denizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our warm community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Stevens. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying water treatment plants very soon.

Local priest Mick Bremer won the admiration of Leila Albitre who was visiting Jasonia from San Francisco. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Albitre. "Mick was a godsend."

Albitre was visiting Jasonia's world famous Oscar's Dog Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Albitre recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Mick interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Albitre has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

A government poll published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--money, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," sighed labor economist Bonnie Oscar, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the second job that comes along."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman officially responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Don Taylor, the Eugene Cheetahs broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Joe Harris blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Taylor couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bold, I could probably kiss our cow of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Taylor's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Tallahassee witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.