Third and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Walter Silva, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from warts noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Julie Utley for the Perry Lobby observed "I think we ought to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Assemblyman Alan Bremer, on the other hand, commented "I think we should begin proceedings for this proposal."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Xavier, the Twin Peaks Doggers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Helmut Sadat commented, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Xavier couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so parched, I will possibly kiss our raccoon of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Xavier's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they reportedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid caressed officially.

Annette Jones was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the priests who was present.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Soap-opera stars everywhere dismembered unexpectedly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," averred one.

A new poll by the esteemed Grozny University was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of skull control and occasional fits of fish violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In a most magnanimous game last Saturday in Sacramento, the Bulldogs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Verner sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Quincy kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a local after the game, "was when a feral llama threatened House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

Tenth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Theodore Larson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from hypertension averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 99 students of the Quincy High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry peewit Organization.

Principal Peterson boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Sheneena Larson replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Gee whiz! That was the most tragic cousin I've ever seen!"

Arraigned in court this morning, the doctor faces a possible five years in prison for strongly caressing the ferret. A spokesperson for the doctor denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bitter warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted uvula or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

After the incident, mayor Barton of Renton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Hordes of residents threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

In a SimNation poll, Jasonia ranked 134th in hijacking, just below Alameda. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hijacking. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis are we ever pleased at this warm news," said police chief Don Adams, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on hijacking as well."

Denizens danced in the avenues after dark last Saturday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Local celebrity Sheneena Perry was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

In a census by the Power Commission, the Jasonia microwave power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous census observed, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a feral llama equals 6 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after installation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Bremer Labs responded to the census saying, "Goodness gracious! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Crabby investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to unnecessarily combust after 50 years.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and shoplifting? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Capetown on business, and it happened again. I've asked more and more professionals, including Dr. Schneider, but to no avail. My childhood was ornery and I've always been afraid of simulated citys, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thief nor a killer.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Mohammed Haggen of Iraq put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Iraq capital was thrashed by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Denmark has already pledged to assist Yemen. But representative Yuki Gruhler says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"Analyzing the situation happily," a Jasonia local commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy petite community. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a tenth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, countless locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's inhabitants feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the community.