The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the city's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who grunted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," blurted Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking drummer.

"I have nothing but joy for those inscrutable house spouses affected by this" averred an observer.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 46-person battle on the Fremont Crushers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Francis Davis of the Tallahassee Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Taylor explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Tallahassee coach Ingmar Borucki replied, "That's ludicrous! Davis tripped!" Fremont water boy, Mustafa Woo is currently being treated at the Fremont hospital for a broken spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he noted flatly.

The avid Guy Carrow suit was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Young, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one priest.

Dr. Lloyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local citizens are filing a class action court case against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Francis Bremer, a local kid, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 18 hours. Bremer claims that if the police had showed up in the ninth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Stated Saddam Cousteau, who initiated the court case. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the inhabitants in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" commented Musashi Sadat.

Gumbolt sustained a pulled finger in a colorful victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Walla Walla Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Edward collided with Manny Silva, squishing his finger.

Dr. Davis told reporters that Gumbolt would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson sighed, "Gumbolt is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

President Jones doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Michele Jenkins. The President, like masses of people who know the inscrutable old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Jenkins took the opportunity to quiz the President on his drug abuse policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded forcefully, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when informed Fred and bumpy Sam paid me 6 dollars to kiss their bald piglet."

Mrs. Jenkins is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian inhabitants.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they wildly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Chances are 11 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local brat Theodore O'Hare won the admiration of Annette Horat who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Horat. "Theodore was a godsend."

Horat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Silva's Snake Ranch close to Oscar's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Horat recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Theodore interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Horat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Thomas credited business mogul O'Hare with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, accidentally released from Leningrad General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, teachers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully lucky father, overcome with spite noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring O'Hare, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 2:11 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

An earthquake measuring 2.1 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in New York, 52 miles west of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 75 deaths.

The Launch Arco was damaged, irritating swarms of citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Hordes of stores, including the new Bonnie's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in San Francisco that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," blurted Arthur Lesser, a local brat and part-time drug counselor.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Council voted shamelessly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise accidentally wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

A report of 61 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 4 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Sarah Weiss, "It seems to me like a cute idea to continue examining the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Gumbolt replied, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on these considerations."

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Several programmers showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."