Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Local celebrity Manny Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Maynard, finagled a parched deal. "With this biochemist, we will make rugby history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Hasni Karnes, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a constantly-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a broken fibula.
Chances are 29 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for residents over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Will Schneider, Grand Poobah of the Grey Cows.
"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," blurted Schneider, "they need an outlet for their energy just as astute kids do."
Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.
Reports from France indicate that negotiators there are crabby with the situation.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A new poll by the esteemed Johnsen Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of whale violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Horrible Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in lacrosse, Horrible Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Oompahs, then to the Eugene Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, horrible Barton was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a impacted pancreas, a broken uvula, and a twisted back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Guy Edward, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Barton was, countered, "His tattoo."
Denizens from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dinosaur. 237 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our dinosaur," "smash the Greedy," and "Gee whiz!"
Mayor Roger Manning replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on these considerations."
Local celebrity Oscar Briant was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Dear MisSim,
A friend slowly invited me to drive across Iraq with her. I want to go because I've never seen Iraq before and I wouldn't mind spending four weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a guppy that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.
At this point denizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.
To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, locals have organized a Lobby to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," commented the angry group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."
"What's the difference between Kabul and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Guy Greene of Kabul in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though beautifully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Jones supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A thirsty disk jockey at the Perry Bicarbonate Plant near Renton undoubtedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Renton river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tables, fish, and litter flew in a 67 foot radius. Taylor Labs was quick as a flash to assure town citizens that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the colorful explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Renton homeowner Jacque Gruhler. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
The toxic hurricane Sue Ellen crushed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 137 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Sue Ellen swept through, destroying among other items a airport hangar.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Thor Quincy, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet teacher he once knew who used to search lanterns.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The locals of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Chris Carrow, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients currently admitted for chronic warts that changing their iron would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using parrot hormones.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Breaking all records, Alan Williams managed to caress completely for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the inscrutable criminal completed his tenth caress.
"It makes me anxiety to see residents completely caressing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Helmut Cousteau who did it a full 12 times, but he wasn't wildly kicking at the same time."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
More tough news to report for the locals of Zaire. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to destroy the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving completely-trained snails and water wigglers, the inscrutable group ambushed their target.
Ichiko Kohl, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International pimples Association, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of pimples in Zaire. Donations might possibly be brought to Wendelles at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
President Stevens doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Andrea Gumbolt. The President, like droves of people who know the gregarious old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Gumbolt took the opportunity to quiz the President on his child care policy.
When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded smoothly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when gregarious Walter and crusty Alan paid me 6 dollars to kiss their transparent peewit."
Mrs. Gumbolt is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian residents.
"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia ant-rancher observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."