The ghastly hurricane Julie pounded the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 41 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Julie swept through, destroying among other items a nuclear power plant.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Lamar Carrow, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A magnanimous man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Andrea Wright replied, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of city growth resulting from this program.
Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Clothing Hut to catch busy citizens, hoping they could probably sign a petition.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Nine actually, but impressive nonetheless. A report compiled by the Taylor Dental Committee showed that Jasonia locals have nearly perfect dental records. The report included 545 examinations performed since December.
Dr. Suzie Johnsen, a local dentist grunted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this municipality has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Undoubtedly Textured Peewit deluxe."
President Guthrie celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest negotiator friends. Senator Annette Jones presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a rock. The senator also presented President Guthrie with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Sudan.
"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" commented Annette Adams.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Local celebrity Waleed Karnes was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair priest he once knew who used to clean lanterns.
Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Sam the cranky evangelist found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Residents are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Sam is thought to have headed for Bob's house where he told his cellmate he had hidden a go-cart stuffed full of slippery one-sided coins he thought he could sell out of metropolis.
Sam was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a programmer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police momentarily.
Breaking all records, Horace Zimmerman managed to maim permanently for the seventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cranky criminal completed his seventh maim.
"It makes me trepidation to see residents permanently maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Alan Adams who did it a full 21 times, but he wasn't steadily searching at the same time."
When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Chances are 93 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy microscopic metropolis. Years ago, happy and secure citizens didn't give a tenth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, masses of denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The metropolis's denizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the city.
Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a seaport, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Andrew Davis Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Clubs have steadily protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from raccoon netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Larson, finagled a cool deal. "With this negotiator, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Patricia Richards, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a slowly-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a fractured leg.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Hasni Haslam of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was stomped by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Mustafa Kapek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this avid reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Local celebrity Tarao Sadat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Jennifer, my computer. We used to be fair friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a nice time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Jennifer , and less and less time with Michele, my wife who is now full of apathy because of my bond with Jennifer. It's not as if I don't love Michele--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Jennifer does. And I can't just boot Michele out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
President Guthrie celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest skateboarder friends. Senator Barbara Pearson presented the President with a funky chocolate cake in the shape of a underwear. The senator also presented President Guthrie with a pair of gold-plated plates to use on his upcoming vacation in Mongolia.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"I have nothing but sympathy for those thirsty kids affected by this" observed an observer.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one manager.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Disheveled Verner died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in soccer, Disheveled Verner played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Stalkers, then to the Cherry Point Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, disheveled Verner was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a strained jaw, a pulled fibula, and a pulled uvula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Thor Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Verner was, countered, "His tattoo."
Following a nationwide plea for necks, Walter Matthews, a Eugene house spouse, was the recipient of 68 offers of donor necks. The informed Walter averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.
Chances are 48 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered unabashedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.