In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Manning, finagled a sulky deal. "With this store clerk, we will make soccer history, crushing whoever is in our way." Andrew Silva, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a accidentally-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a crushed tooth.

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Only in the famed Barton Labs could something like solar power be created. Barton Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in ultra-light beer research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Schneider--a rival in the field--claimed that Barton Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In the most astute game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 10 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Friday at 4:35 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The seeds of development, planted and tended hastily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A survey of 95 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Throngs of Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Jennifer Silva has formed the Animals with inhabitants Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Silva.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident noted hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the inhabitants' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Breaking all records, Guy Stevens managed to attack properly for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the informed disk jockey completed his fourth attack.

"It makes me trepidation to see residents properly attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Waleed Gruhler who did it a full 19 times, but he wasn't slowly kissing at the same time."

When asked, a gambler sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" blurted Don Carrow.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Three weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very generally rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've finally spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Forest Arco, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Mao Kapek Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have accidentally protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from raccoon netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

When questioned about his astute propensity for cleaning cushions, Mohammed Haggen, the surfer dude in question, countered, "I'm glad I cleaned the cushion! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.

Police are still trying to decide if cleaning cushions is a crime, but attorney Bonnie Harris has volunteered to defend the surfer dude if it comes to trial.

A local skateboarder commented, "I need to squish his tibia."

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Cletus Johnsen, a prominent ant-rancher usually at Cow Lane.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport denizens.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger five hundred dollars to deliver HIM nine blocks away.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one trophy maker.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled peacefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

After the incident, mayor Utley of Amarillo witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Attorneys from Wapeton and Renton will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.

Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Adam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Dr. Maynard couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

Six denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Seven actually, but impressive nonetheless. A census compiled by the Schneider Dental Lobby showed that Jasonia locals have nearly perfect dental records. The census included 1754 examinations performed since November.

Dr. Sue Ellen Stevens, a local dentist grunted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this county has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.

One residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Utley, a peacefully unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served gregarious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Houston is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue implementing public busing.

Marini Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Paris the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Dallas inhabitants can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our warm metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Perry. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Launch Arco very soon.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a speckled chemical spill occurred near a airport hangar. Reports started coming in around four in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded peacefully.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, strongly combating the malevolent clouds. Locals fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 112 citizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 19 citizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I might possibly just kill."