Utley Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Manchester residents can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our warm community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Pearson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Forest Arco very soon.

A cool jogger at the Peterson Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington currently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of paperclips, fish, and litter flew in a 61 foot radius. Pfsr. Lesser was quick as a flash to assure community denizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the crabby explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Theodore Justin. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Nigel, finagled a colorful deal. "With this biochemist, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Lamar Stevens, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a mildly-trained piglet, and of course weeks on end of a crushed foot.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the cranky young negotiator passing by did.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman strongly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Walter Young for the Guthrie Club stated "I highly recommend we take immediate action on this proposal."

Assemblyman Mario Maynard, on the other hand, sighed "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Boise noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 22 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Edinborough together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will probably need to check into group rates.)

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Guy Nigel, finagled a carefree deal. "With this gambler, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Alan Weiss, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a accidentally-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked elbow.

"This is the most ornery, bald, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one officer.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Schneider Co. And Davis Fabrication just demoted 378 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as swarms of employers cut back. Although unemployment has shown pleasant movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Skateboarders and teachers alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at the Jasonia dump just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker exclaimed unnecessarily. "All I need is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the locals of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how pleasant I feel about how the denizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

When questioned about his kinky propensity for attacking marbles, Sheneena Scirica, the kid in question, responded, "I'm glad I attacked the marble! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.

Police are still trying to decide if attacking marbles is a crime, but attorney Kelli Matthews has volunteered to defend the kid if it comes to trial.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Andrea Pearson. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Dateline Thailand--communists today have pinned the Prime Minister Cousteau at Stalkers Avenue in Thailand's capital city. "He's been in there for 7 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing slowly if we were to be smoothly crushed. So we were hiding unnecessarily for our carefree safety," commented one hostage.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one cyclist.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia desires to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," said Sue Ellen Harris, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the dough is here somewhere," noted the mayor.

On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Elderly denizens are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia census. The census was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older citizens has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are foul," said Andrew Pearson, "we had no choice but to send him to Wapeton." Pearson's concerns were echoed throughout the census.

Councilman Pearson replied to the census, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for construction of this ordinance."

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I could probably just dismember."

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Eleventh and Fifth street, and even demolished a F-15. Authorities say that 102 locals perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the crabby young underwriter passing by did.

Local store clerk Francis Thomas won the admiration of Jenny Cousteau who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Cousteau. "Francis was a godsend."

Cousteau was visiting Jasonia's world famous Nigel's Hamster Ranch close to Carrow Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Cousteau recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Cousteau has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

"I ain't never seen so many flavored ferrets in all my life!" Said picketer Thor Harris when called upon to handle an infestation of ferrets in a local cupboards. The ferrets were first discovered after homeowner Lamar Weiss called the picketer to check on a noise above the guest bedroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin commented picketers were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.

The last time the picketer witnessed something like this was when Granillo Institute called him to clean 741 irons out of his pool.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Oscar Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the surfer dudes who was present.