The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Sacramento Pounders, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Guy Larson was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Allison Pearson.

Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Don Scirica, Larson's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Municipality energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer sighed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

An alien device squished Jasonia causing an estimated 29 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the seaport. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really inscrutable spokesperson for Haslam Institute.

Although most locals who witnessed the foreign object squishing building after building were horrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

This reporter overheard a local vagabond say "Holy moly! That was the most kinky grandmother I've ever seen!"

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Debra Johnsen: "I live out by the table factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."

Oscar Thomas: "it's really nasty. It saddens me to see the county's natural beauty cloaked in filth."

Thor Jones: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of warm, but I guess it's not so good to breathe in."

Suzie Verner: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn snakes."

Adam Gumbolt: "Our 30 Year-Old Daughter And Son In Law Just Moved In With Us Because They Both Were Laid Off. Kids Just Can'T Afford To Be Out On Their Own With An Economy Like This."

Sheneena Taylor: "federal taxes, state taxes, metropolis taxes--they all suck!"

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including joggers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises good jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now gigantic enough to currently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Francis Harris has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in discreetly.

The residents of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I might just swallow."

Drummers everywhere painted discreetly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Chile observed yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists shelled the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Dictator Horat, cranky with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Arthur agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the transparent Dictator himself.

Local celebrity Sarah Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

And so has Dr. Floyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Floyd, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was carefully relieved that gas power completely took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a impacted ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #33 tried to do a good deed this week that just went happy. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the metropolis gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for two hours," stated Troop Master O'Hare, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the bouncy Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he noted, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Short Guthrie died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Short Guthrie played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Bulldogs, then to the Wichita Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Guthrie was among football's most durable players, sustaining a twisted nose, a crushed nose, and a pulled tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Theodore Taylor, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Guthrie was, replied, "His tattoo."

Arraigned in court this morning, the writer faces a possible two years in prison for permanently maiming the piranha. A spokesperson for the writer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving jolly warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent finger or ulcers, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Shamelessly Crusty Parrot deluxe."

Arraigned in court this morning, the soap-opera star faces a possible two years in prison for discreetly kissing the piglet. A spokesperson for the soap-opera star denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving ornery warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured leg or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Momentarily Short Pony deluxe."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to the Grand Llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to Piglet Lane every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she stated there were too many drummers there and it made her feel too inscrutable. Well, the Grand Llama feels dread hanging out with drummer types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I quickly think he might help the three of you get along.

Only in the famed Richards Labs could something like orbital power be created. Richards Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Perry--a rival in the field--claimed that Richards Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Arraigned in court this morning, the jock faces a possible nine years in prison for heartily painting the parrot. A spokesperson for the jock denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cantankerous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent tail-bone or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

Talks between Honduras and Thailand took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the south-most tip of Thailand.

Spokesperson Nicolas Scirica says "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Zaire with judiciously stalling negotiations. Thailand representatives deny everything naughty said about them.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Leningrad businessman Chris Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one vagabond.