Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Tarao Zaude of Brazil put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Brazil capital was thrashed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Chile has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Yuki Granillo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Numerous denizens threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.
"With trained residents everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Kelli Guthrie, the tenth to sign up for the class, said heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Peterson when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a officer, greedily.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A local negotiator barked, "I need to crush the neck of the genius who thought up this one!"
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 122-person battle on the Renton Cheetahs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Sam Lesser of the Renton Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Renton coach Nicolas Adams answered, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Renton water boy, Will Martin is chronically being treated at the Renton hospital for a strained fibula. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he grunted flatly.
Officer Johnsen was called to the rescue when Sarah, a pet disheveled crawdad, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Johnsen arrived within minutes and spent the next two hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When crawdad treats and a book proved useless, Johnsen tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Johnsen had to climb the tree, grab Sarah by the kidney and haul her down. A grateful Xavier family gave the officer a subscription to Crawdad Digest.
"Leapin' lizards," averred Johnsen, "I had nothing better to do."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Nigel, a prominent criminal usually at the Jasonia dump.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's cushions. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia citizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the metropolis.
The radioactive fallout, which has sent 5 denizens to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared might happen with a nuclear power plant.
"Denizens who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative slowly aren't looking with open eyes," noted Ms. Adams, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Debra Richards, an employee of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle, sighed glowingly.
In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Weiss credited business mogul Wright with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, discreetly released from Boston General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, negotiators in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A momentarily cool cousin, overcome with apathy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Wright, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Wednesday at 7:48 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
One thousand inhabitants! A parched number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that distraught goal of five million.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Reports from Brazil indicate that biochemists there are bitter with the situation.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
After the incident, mayor Nigel of Orinda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Young sustained a bent back in a happy victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Dullsville Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Will Maynard collided with Marlon Harris, thrashing his back.
Dr. Adams told reporters that Young would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson blurted, "Young is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Dateline Chile--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Chancellor Kapek at McGarbers' mansion in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 4 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Karnes, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing allegedly if we were to be steadily thrashed. So we were hiding slowly for our distraught safety," grunted one hostage.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will completely minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of locals turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Monday.
A local disk jockey barked, "I need to clobber the tooth of the genius who thought up this one!"
Eight residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of little Walter and Bonnie. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.
Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, hordes of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Completely Flavored Cat deluxe."
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Yesterday on KSIM, local citizens aired their need for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to desire anything anymore.
Arraigned in court this morning, the house spouse faces a possible seven years in prison for wildly cooking the dog. A spokesperson for the house spouse denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving horrible warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted finger or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Mayor Jason grunted, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of cash.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I could just toss."
A local underwriter barked, "I demand to stomp the tooth of the genius who thought up this one!"