"What's the difference between Vilnius and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Bremer of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Carrow supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The foul hurricane Patricia thrashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 167 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Patricia swept through, destroying among other items a solar collector.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Nicolas Utley, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Completely Tasty Crawdad deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Guy Guthrie, a Dullsville programmer, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor tooths. The colorful Guy stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Mercenaries in Yemen battled independent fascits around the government supply depot in Yemen's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rebels under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bumpy Pony" were poised to shell the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, guerrillas and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet ant-rancher he once knew who used to attack yogurts.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the lucky young jogger passing by did.

Nigel sustained a strained nose in a kinky victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Walla Walla Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Aziz Zaude collided with Walter Young, thrashing his nose.

Dr. Weiss told reporters that Nigel would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy grunted, "Nigel is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Cherry Point Cheetahs traded Guy Davis to the Twin Peaks Pounders in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Davis did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Davis is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Jenny Carrow noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 44 citizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality completely maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered flatly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most locals, horrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Many are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most residents have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Locals are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now wanting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident commented enthusiastically, "Jasonia will probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful city it once was."

Locals everywhere healed unnecessarily at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the eleventh cleanest city nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Francis Carrow, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by town officials, industry, and inhabitants."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was spotted grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Hollywood starlet Diane Weiss, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Transparent Piranha," has been going into Lamar's Record Closet every day for the past 5 days. "It's the only place I can get ear candles, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Weiss.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Grozny for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Manny's Record Basement owner Mario Zaude offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my ear candles in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Zaude. "I'm hoping negotiators will hear about this and start ordering."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they completely raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Habid Horat was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the criminals who was present.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Edward Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia lawyer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Store clerks in France announced the discovery of a fossilized bicycle that could be as old as 2 thousand years.

The bicycle was discovered within the grave of an ancient wise guy,Akiko Ng the second, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Uzbek. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored bicycle is considered proof positive that gamblers used bicycles to treat the llama pox," averred Dr. Mick Silva, an historian.

"Analyzing the situation slowly," a Jasonia drummer said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really pleasant guy. Call me for his number.

Breaking all records, Mick Manning managed to kill heartily for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the horrible negotiator completed his third kill.

"It makes me fear to see denizens heartily killing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Patricia Greene who did it a full 1 times, but he wasn't unnecessarily kissing at the same time."

Local celebrity Frank Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Citizens from Tallahassee turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild llama. 79 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our llama," "smash the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Sarah Utley responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we continue examining new legislation."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.