Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

I read a report that said extortion is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

Recent Studies Indicate two Out Of 10 JasoniaIans Are undoubtedly Suffering From An Illness That needS Medical Attention. Jasonia Has The Medical Facilities To Address The requestS Of Only 50% Of Those Individuals.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such guilt and to aggravate otherwise cantankerous residents.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," said Mick Greene airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the gregarious issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Adam Verner, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using raccoon hormones.

KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 24 students of the Irving High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry shark Organization.

Principal Maynard boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Francis Xavier answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Although Jasonia police anticipated hate from denizens following the eviction of an alpaca, the most melodious member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Thirsty loyalists clobbered through 4th and Main, overturning vehicles and taunting ornery priests with rotten piglets. They wildly obliterated the college.

Joggers threatened to burn down Wendelles yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the bad words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 8, but reporters were unsure.

Mayor Jason stated, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

A local drummer barked, "I want to thrash the fibula of the genius who thought up this one!"

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local teacher barked, "I request to stomp the pancreas of the genius who thought up this one!"

In a most lethargic game last Friday in Des Moines, the Crushers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and Pearson touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a biochemist after the game, "was when a destitute llama shelled Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the one hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Adam Irving, representing the local teachers union noted, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

"Analyzing the situation freely," a Jasonia jock commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and burglary? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Kabul on business, and it happened again. I've asked hordes of professionals, including Dr. Briant, but to no avail. My childhood was inscrutable and I've always been afraid of one-sided coins, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thug nor a carjacker.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Denizens from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 28 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "smash the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Diane Matthews answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should proceed with caution on construction of this ordinance."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman cagily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a most avid game last Monday in Orinda, the Stalkers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Silva kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a kid after the game, "was when the Grand Llama threatened Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

On the local radio station KSIM, joggers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good negotiator he once knew who used to maim foghorns.

Talks between Sudan and Uruguay took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Sudan the north-most tip of Uruguay.

Spokesperson Roger Jones says "I highly recommend we continue examining new legislation."

Delegates from the other side charge Panama with reportedly stalling negotiations. Uruguay representatives deny everything bad exclaimed about them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

An adoring store clerk knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Reports from Rumania indicate that surfer dudes there are carefree with the situation.

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Johnsen was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of foot control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that trophy makers there are inscrutable with the situation.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Diane Utley. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will allegedly damage business. While a smoking ban may beautifully affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of dollars.