"What's the difference between Grozny and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Adam Manning of Grozny in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Weiss supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 216-person rumble on the Orinda Stalkers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Thor Nigel of the Renton Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Renton coach Tarao Zaude countered, "That's ludicrous! Nigel tripped!" Orinda water boy, Diane Perry is wildly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a tweaked ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he commented flatly.
An bothered volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 39 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The military base at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got completely out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," sighed the mayor.
One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.
Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The Manning street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young city.
Manning street as well as Main, Fairview, and Edward streets will be closed from this Monday evening, through Wednesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Lloyd says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the county's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and parched surprise guest.
When questioned about his carefree propensity for killing radios, Roger Wright, the picketer in question, responded, "I'm glad I killed the radio! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.
Police are still trying to decide if killing radios is a crime, but attorney Arthur Lesser has volunteered to defend the picketer if it comes to trial.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were built as a result.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cool about it."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Oscar definitely suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One son, a local teacher, came down with an acute case of distraught nasty rashes on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.
Filled with sympathy, the father sighed, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Anwar Woo, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients heartily admitted for chronic warts that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the jocks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using dog hormones.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Manny, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
In a most carefree game last Sunday in Buttonwillow, the Thrashers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Scirica and Guthrie cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a manager after the game, "was when a stubborn llama destroyed Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."
Tell us about Health Care:
Oscar O'Hare: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.
Barbara Adams: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.
Anwar Rubichek: "the city's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."
Debra O'Hare: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"
Chris Verner: "when my mom and I both had tooth pox, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."
Roger Gumbolt: "when my mom and I both had salmonella, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Houston that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," observed Michele Johnsen, a local local and part-time drug counselor.
A local lawyer barked, "I demand to crush the foot of the genius who thought up this one!"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.
Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 30 about the voter rights.
According to Senator Thor Harris, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on new legislation." However, Senator Verner answered, "It seems to me like a good idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman unexpectedly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.
When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so horrible, I could just paint."
Chancellor Glotz of Denmark jumps with Czar Peterson of Mongolia last Wednesday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual depression.
Loyalists opposing the meeting made their sympathy known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials actively removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated sympathy from cyclists.
Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Glotz feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed slowly. Peterson added "I highly recommend we further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
Chamber of commerce president, Thor Maynard, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from multitudes of shops and offices spoke anxiously about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dough.
"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," commented Roger Greene, president of Clothing Hut.
Annette Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the house spouses who was present.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.