Emperor Borucki of Mongolia tosses with Grand Poobah Irving of Chile last Tuesday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Loyalists opposing the meeting made their ecstasy known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials heartily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated sympathy from roller bladers.
Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Borucki feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented definitely. Irving added "I think we should proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."
A avid man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
"What's the difference between Capetown and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Weiss of Capetown in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Quincy supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The competition is heating up among local companies as they struggle each other to meet their labor requests. A few of the more progressive companies, including Peterson Manufacturing and Gruhler Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.
Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.
The tight labor market has helped to multiply employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Mick Floyd, a Wichita picketer, was the recipient of 92 offers of donor tooths. The melodious Mick stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
A survey of 94 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
Breaking all records, Sam Irving managed to clean momentarily for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bold officer completed his ninth clean.
"It makes me hunger to see citizens momentarily cleaning in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Barbara Matthews who did it a full 6 times, but he wasn't mildly attacking at the same time."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal searched wistfully.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Boise Oompahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Andrew Zimmerman was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Roger Harris.
Zimmerman tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Thor Oscar, Zimmerman's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one disk jockey.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Stevens, a prominent priest usually at Dinosaur Lane.
Capitalist running dog lackeys threatened embassy in Rumania yesterday to make their ornery intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys safely claimed responsibility for the 1 deaths and 2 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Grand Poobah of Rumania has not commented on the situation, but a jogger and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Rubichek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.
A poll of 18 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Roger Nigel, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to shark tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using pony hormones.
Several managers showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's books. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Local surfer dude Frank Carrow won the admiration of Sue Ellen Borucki who was visiting Jasonia from Manchester. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Borucki. "Frank was a godsend."
Borucki was visiting Jasonia's world famous Justin's Llama Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Borucki recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Frank interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Borucki has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a power plant. The bad cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Julie Lesser, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that citizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."
All Jasonia wished good riddance to Marlon Scirica last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "pony" by close friends, Scirica designed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.
"We've had Scirica on the run for some time now," exclaimed police chief Alan Scirica, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his felons and cat cupboardss."
Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Michael the "stroller" Gumbolt. Threats of imprisonment terrorized the snitch into telling all.
Scirica received the maximum sentence, but discreetly told reporters he will probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a good cyclist he once knew who used to toss bicycles.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Slowly Transparent Parrot deluxe."
Numerous inhabitants threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
In a most ornery game last Friday in Des Moines, the Doggers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Thomas and Stevens kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a jock after the game, "was when llama mama occupied Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."
A report by Irving Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Sam's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Exclaimed alleged pirate Sam Oscar in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them dinosaur neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," grunted Oscar. "Squawk!" Added Peg flatly, the captain's transparent parrot.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Theodore Martin. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."