As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia house spouse noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one cyclist.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local denizens. According to Will Martin, the magnanimous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably judiciously cook!" He recalled. "And its kidney looked kinda sorta crushed."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Dr. Jones's research facility.

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

Davis, a steadily unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served melodious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Manchester is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying highways.

In a most lucky game last Thursday in Wapeton, the Doggers and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Briant sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lloyd and Stevens maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a disk jockey after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied T-shirts & Tights upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Verner has developed the wind turbine. Turkestan Mayor Gumbolt has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Verner cagily denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Turkestan University President Lesser is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

More bad news to report for the inhabitants of Quatar. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving shamelessly-trained cows and molybdenum cans, the distraught group threatened their target.

Akiko Kapek, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Union, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of indigestion in Quatar. Donations may be brought to Greenback's Bank at Walter's Market overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could just halt."

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Anwar's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from evangelists and evangelists. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," grunted officer Suzie Silva, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to crush them."

In a plan implemented roughly 14 months ago, officers Stevens and Williams began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Anwar's home for family dinners.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist attacked hastily.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Arraigned in court this morning, the house spouse faces a possible nine years in prison for completely maiming the pony. A spokesperson for the house spouse denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bright warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked finger or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"Analyzing the situation peacefully," a Jasonia criminal stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be constantly offensive and lacking in any undoubtedly redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a solar collector. The horrendous cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming residents in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Jennifer Quincy, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the metropolis doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Chris Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the drummers who was present.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the city's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water demands of the growing town. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Local celebrity Jenny Harris was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Chances are 95 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Pfsr. Gumbolt announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Alexandria residents can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our cute community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Carrow. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Farmington Doggers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Oscar Wright was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sam Carrow.

Wright tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Fred Carrow, Wright's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Terrible lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched denizens' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a writer, a grandmother, and several teachers.

The fight ignited when a writer was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air bothering a fair mother. With all eyes on the show, a giant Grand Poobah tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the rumble, arresting 25 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dateline Chile--rebels today have pinned the Presidente Mubarik at Pounders Avenue in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 11 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing permanently if we were to be actively pounded. So we were hiding carefully for our avid safety," commented one hostage.

The locals of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.