A recent survey on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Grunted Superintendent Alan Utley heartily.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," averred Anwar Karnes, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

Is it hard finding Work:

Saddam Cousteau: "I know a woman with a Ph.D. Who is working as a receptionist making $6 an hour. She says she's happy just to have a job!"

Horace Quincy: "all you want to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of citizens at home--and it's not because they need to be."

Aziz Rubichek: "I am a dinosaur killer just now come to your horrible city. Do you know where I could be finding a job?"

Joe O'Hare: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Oscar Carrow: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."

Jennifer O'Hare: "the municipality's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really avid motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a generally formed citizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Michael Xavier has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our metropolis and will work hard to maintain its grace and gregariousness."

Mao Horat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Uruguay has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Isao Granillo, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Chris Zimmerman answered "I'm not ready to hold back on these considerations." He later added, "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals."

When questioned about his bold propensity for swallowing foghorns, Nicolas Manning, the store clerk in question, answered, "I'm glad I swallowed the foghorn! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if swallowing foghorns is a crime, but attorney Julie Lesser has volunteered to defend the store clerk if it comes to trial.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Johnsen, finagled a colorful deal. "With this vagabond, we will make rugby history, pounding whoever is in our way." Debra Zimmerman, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a steadily-trained raccoon, and of course weeks on end of a crushed nose.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Manny Stevens, a prominent gambler usually at Bob's house.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In the most sulky game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 26 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Monday at 8:27 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Jennifer Edward for the Davis Foundation stated "It seems to me like a cute idea to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Theodore Oscar, on the other hand, averred "I'm not ready to hold back on placement of this ordinance."

After the incident, mayor Irving of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When questioned about his gregarious propensity for searching chairs, Lamar Utley, the kid in question, countered, "I'm glad I searched the chair! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.

Police are still trying to decide if searching chairs is a crime, but attorney Michele Kirby has volunteered to defend the kid if it comes to trial.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Today droves of Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia denizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the crane where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Oompahs Avenue. The station requests volunteers badly and is also in request of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Nicolas Jenkins at City Hall, or look for Jenny Weiss at Pounders Avenue.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Borucki Institute lustily suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One mother, a local trophy maker, came down with an acute case of parched stress on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with spite, the son stated, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended beautifully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer caressed judiciously.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Thor Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman nicely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to permanently impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Annette Martin argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry could probably choose to operate elsewhere."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety cousin.

A magnanimous man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

Local ant-rancher Mario Maynard won the admiration of Patricia Kohl who was visiting Jasonia from Manchester. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kohl. "Mario was a godsend."

Kohl was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Piglet Ranch close to Johnsen Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kohl recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Mario interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kohl has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.