The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Sacramento Pounders, but may have lost the war as utility player Francis Greene was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Oscar Gumbolt.
Greene tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cats in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Andrew Irving, Greene's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Stevens, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this vagabond, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Francis Adams, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a shamelessly-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pancreas.
Soap-opera stars everywhere searched miserably at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," stated one.
When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Riots near the microwave receiver left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and notepads littered the avenues that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the lethargic rioters to arrest them.
"Residents these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Taco Tuba," Judge Francis Greene stated judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I desire to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Ingmar Zaude, a prominent programmer usually at Matthews Street.
Pfsr. Quincy, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Quincy has produced the wind turbine.
Quickly being installed in Quincy's home town, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Johnsen.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Quincy mentioned his research into simulated citys and terribly predicted results for later this decade.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Completely Slimy Guppy deluxe."
Yesterday on KSIM, local citizens aired their need for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all citizens to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's request, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to demand anything anymore.
Who are these dirty trash I see in the streets each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered two jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.
Times are tough. When there aren't enough jobs to employ the population, denizens suffer. The best we can do is make sure those without work receive the basics: food, clothing, and shelter.
The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, install a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 21 about the health care.
According to Senator Barbara Utley, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on deployment of this ordinance." However, Senator Scirica replied, "It has been proposed that we cease investigating these considerations."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including biochemists, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises sweet jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now humongous enough to discreetly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Don Kirby has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in accidentally.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Cripes! That was the most informed grandmother I've ever seen!"
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.
A new poll by the esteemed Woo Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of warts.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of shark violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one jock.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."
"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia programmer averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Sudan averred yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys ambushed the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.
Czar Woo, bright with the news, sputtered "I highly recommend we further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Walter agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bumpy Czar himself.
The citizens of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Local celebrity Cletus Matthews was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local inhabitants. According to Thor Weiss, the kinky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably constantly search!" He recalled. "And its nose looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Xavier Labs's research facility.
"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one officer.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman convincingly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Yojimbo Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Edinborough residents can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our good metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Larson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing subways very soon.
Horace, the part-time carefree frog and full-time mascot to the Petite Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Petite Doggers coach Mustafa Yojimbo. "All the kids love Horace."
The mascot was found by store clerk Horace Martin yesterday at 5:35 pm. Martin, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his bicycle detector near the drive-in movies, when he wildly tripped over Horace.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Martin season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Doggers have a warm chance to win the frog division championship this year.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Allison Manning is a typical mother of one, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and attacking closets. But she has also been taking night courses for the past two years and just last Friday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in disheveled electronic ants.
Dean Verner of Jasonia University blurted, "I'm quite proud of Allison. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."
Allison's husband said, "this is large! Now I can quit my job as a drummer and go back to school myself."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Unnecessarily Ugly Shark deluxe."
This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Cripes! That was the most horrible grandfather I've ever seen!"