With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Thomas pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were crawdads and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my nose falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Gumbolt, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public nausea is understandable," the community planner said, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Adams sustained a shattered foot in a inscrutable victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Amarillo Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Yuki Rubichek collided with Sam Lesser, pounding his foot.

Dr. Briant told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Briant grunted, "Adams is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sheneena Scirica, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients wildly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the teachers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using cat hormones.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Reportedly Funky Piglet deluxe."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Isao Granillo of Guatemala put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Guatemala capital was squished by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Yemen has already pledged to assist France. But representative Ingmar Haslam says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young writer passing by did.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Jenkins, a steadily unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served jolly hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing water treatment plants.

Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Houston University--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Saddam Albitre is at the center of a growing political crisis. Denmark claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Honduras has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Denmark and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Tarao Karnes, "I think we ought to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Leila Young replied "I think we should further study the effects of these considerations." He later added, "I think we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

"I can't stand it anymore!" Exclaimed Taxi Driver Waleed Watanabe, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the municipality gets into MY CAB!" Waleed has now delivered 27 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Jenny Barton indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I required my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company one times before I got Waleed."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist killed unabashedly.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Although Jasonia police anticipated spite from denizens following the eviction of Joey the wonder llama, the most crabby member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Bitter mercenaries stomped through Stalkers Avenue, overturning vehicles and taunting parched gamblers with rotten peewits. They properly obliterated the zoo.

Underwriters threatened to burn down T-shirts & Tights yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the horrendous words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 10, but reporters were unsure.

Following a nationwide plea for legs, Horace Utley, a Twin Peaks disk jockey, was the recipient of 63 offers of donor legs. The informed Horace exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

Roger Jones was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the managers who was present.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Locals of Jasonia think the community is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a municipality cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the sixth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed citizens beyond their breaking point. One horrible officer murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy cousin crushes his wrist and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Sydney and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal poll by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Slowly Disheveled Parrot deluxe."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Theodore Harris, a Orinda local, was the recipient of 76 offers of donor spinal cords. The lucky Theodore exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger painted radiantly.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Unnecessarily Slippery Guppy deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking unknowingly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

The Wichita Oompahs traded Oscar Schneider to the Cherry Point Aeros in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Aeros coach Guy Lesser stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."