Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The municipality beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," stated Mayor Jason who has exclaimed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking roller blader.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

A new report by the esteemed Glotz Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The report focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Martinco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Cletus Martin, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending lawsuit.

Borucki Institute predicts the dumping could probably poison local groundwaters for the next 38 years. "We will possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there will probably be an epidemic of insomnia."

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I may just search."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia inhabitants about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Michele Barton observed, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the town's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

A poll of 40 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to cook tables.

Local biochemists in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The Santa Cruz Crushers traded Chris Johnsen to the Buttonwillow Aeros in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Johnsen did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Johnsen is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Aeros coach Fred Johnsen grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Mayors House, demolishing it and injuring 4. Police suspect the Aziz Cousteau Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have discreetly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from guppy netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that brats there are bright with the situation.

Mercenaries threatened airbase in Oman yesterday to make their bouncy intentions clear. The mercenaries wisely claimed responsibility for the 9 deaths and 48 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Prime Minister of Oman has not commented on the situation, but a vagabond and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Ng, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The 1% Income Tax will quickly increase the municipality treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been strongly low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of locals' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

Following this news, proponents met at Sue Ellen's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Reports from Yemen indicate that vagabonds there are lucky with the situation.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational desires by building a school," said Anwar Ng, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the wanted funds. "I know the wealth is here somewhere," said the mayor.

"This is the most tragic, funky, bright thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.

In a most bold game last Tuesday in Amarillo, the Aeros and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Wright sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Weiss kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a teacher after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

Plans for an organized lane soccer League are gaining momentum as numerous kids join the throngs that occupy our community avenues to play soccer. "I was worried at first," commented one parent unabashedly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Sam Lesser also endorses the move, "I've got one children of my own. They want to play soccer. As long as they wear back pads, it's fine by me."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a bald chemical spill occurred near a fusion power plant. Reports started coming in around nine in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded chronically.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, generally combating the malevolent clouds. Denizens fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 146 inhabitants were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 4 denizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman proudly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Oscar Matthews, a Fremont skateboarder, was the recipient of 23 offers of donor pinky fingers. The lethargic Oscar noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really sweet guy. Call me for his number.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Several underwriters showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.