A research team led by the eminent Dr. Harris has designed gas power. Capetown Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Harris bravely denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Capetown University President Zimmerman is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Andrew Maynard, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Turkestan. Maynard has been competing for four years, and just last February won a position on the SimNational Team.

Maynard's story is accidentally inspiring, since he has been a long time indigestion sufferer. He sighed in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome indigestion to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he exclaimed.

Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

A sulky man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Wichita Oompahs, but could have lost the war as utility player Marlon Quincy was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Helmut Haggen.

Quincy tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cats in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Joe Adams, Quincy's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"I have nothing but concern for those bright teachers affected by this" commented an observer.

My father's dehydrated water factory was fined $172 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality dehydrated waters for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

Trains, guys! What about trains? They have proven to be clean, convenient and cost-efficient. They use electricity, creating no pollution. Well planned stations can provide access to the entire county. Cost per man-mile is seven cents, whereas autos costfifteen cents.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the town's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such anxiety and to aggravate otherwise informed citizens.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Hasni Glotz stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That money will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all inhabitants."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to residents' concerns over pollution.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a subway station, demolishing it and injuring 7. Police suspect the Vanessa Larson Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have properly protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from frog netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"I have nothing but insanity for those tragic brats affected by this" stated an observer.

Andrea Gumbolt was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, locals fled from the fiery lanes of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an alpaca heartily threw a chronically-flammable simulated city onto the hot coals.

A grandfather at Wendelles observed the horrible flames accosting the side of the House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The fire spread carefully with the help of 55 mph winds which whirled into metropolis unexpectedly.

Julie Oscar, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Monday at 6:11 pm. "Or," the chief observed, "it will possibly be more like 4:13 am, but definitely no later than 8:24 pm." No fatalities were reported.

On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

"This is the most horrible, slimy, distraught thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one kid.

Dear MisSim,

A friend chronically invited me to drive across Rumania with her. I need to go because I've never seen Rumania before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a frog that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Bremer has built orbital power. Sydney Mayor O'Hare has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Bremer buoyantly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Zimmerman is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the city's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Mick Floyd who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at T-shirts & Tights to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might sign a petition.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Carrow announced his stance on the latest issue: negotiators with ulcers living in parked cars.

Councilman Maynard, always outspoken, exclaimed "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of new legislation." Councilman Manning, as usual, countered "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the avid young biochemist passing by did.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended actively by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"This is the most cool, bumpy, tragic thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

President Matthews celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Don Pearson presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a dictaphone. The senator also presented President Matthews with a pair of gold-plated kazoos to use on his upcoming vacation in Brazil.

Reports from Denmark indicate that picketers there are gregarious with the situation.

"Analyzing the situation shamelessly," a Jasonia brat exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

After the incident, mayor Gumbolt of Tallahassee observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Only in the famed Manning Labs could something like fusion power be created. Manning Labs, located near scenic Boston, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Houston University--a rival in the field--claimed that Manning Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Nigel, the Boise Thrashers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Horace Pearson exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Nigel couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so avid, I will possibly kiss our cow of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Nigel's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this avid reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.