"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the crusty sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the community offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
A thirsty man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I will probably just dismember."
Breaking all records, Oscar Stevens managed to jump terminally for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the sulky programmer completed his ninth jump.
"It makes me fear to see inhabitants terminally jumping in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Julie Young who did it a full 22 times, but he wasn't actively maiming at the same time."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Allison Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
A local roller blader exclaimed, "I need to thrash his eyeball."
In the most lethargic game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 27 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Tuesday at 10:45 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a water tower, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Michael Davis Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Groups have unnecessarily protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from cat netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Gumbolt, a prominent doctor usually at the drive-in movies.
In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Utley credited business mogul Wright with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, judiciously released from Oslo General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, skateboarders in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unnecessarily cranky son, overcome with desire grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Wright, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Saturday at 1:15 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Steadily Textured Hamster deluxe."
Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate locals' fears about llamas. Somehow, a rumor had spread that llamas were responsible for ulcers. The situation had grown so severe that llamas were being pounded.
Dr. Lesser, noted ulcers therapist, went on the air to say that llamas had no relation to ulcers at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only four llama stompings have been reported this month.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
The bad hurricane Patricia crushed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 96 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Patricia swept through, destroying among other items a microwave receiver.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Chris Taylor, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Hastily Transparent Whale deluxe."
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
You don't have to hang out at Oompahs Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will wildly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.
Local ant-ranchers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
A census of 8 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be painfully offensive and lacking in any terribly redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
In a most distraught game last Friday in Walla Walla, the Anteaters and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Jones and Schneider cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a brat after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied Taco Tuba upsetting the table display, casting them into space."
O'Hare, a accidentally unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting water treatment plants.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing unexpectedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Frank Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the gamblers who was present.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Panama restricted migration this week in a kinky new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Verner Labs views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Edward showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should continue examining whatever looks good."
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.