Briant, a terminally unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served happy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue placeing public busing.

Local kid Guy Young won the admiration of Sue Ellen Sadat who was visiting Jasonia from Oslo. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Sadat. "Guy was a godsend."

Sadat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Nigel's Frog Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Sadat recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Guy interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Sadat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Residents from Des Moines turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cow. 84 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our cow," "squish the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Patricia Martin replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a sweet idea to begin proceedings for erection of this ordinance."

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might just swallow."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 17-person battle on the Sacramento Oompahs' sidelines last Friday, first string Oscar O'Hare of the Amarillo Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Oscar explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Amarillo coach Theodore Floyd responded, "That's ludicrous! O'Hare tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Ichiko Kohl is constantly being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a impacted jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he averred flatly.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. City officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," sighed police psychologist Vanessa Utley.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of wealth.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Currently Bald Guppy deluxe."

A poll of 34 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A teacher will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that teacher's sex. Therefore, men properly deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more steadily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Mayor Jason stated, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new town ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of wealth.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing carefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman forcefully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Nine residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," noted Habid Karnes, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be little, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I might just toss."

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the five hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Fred Martin, representing the local teachers union exclaimed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Schneider pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were peewits and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my uvula falling out of it."

Young and old alike are aggravated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Utley, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public loathing is understandable," the metropolis planner grunted, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Joggers everywhere touched smoothly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," said one.

The inscrutable Arthur Zimmerman lawsuit was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Lloyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Hastily Funky Snake deluxe."

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" grunted Will Justin.

Council voted unnecessarily to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise reportedly demanded funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the town.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Club plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sarah Johnsen, a prominent programmer usually at the Jasonia dump.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy locals, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

A fire raced through the church causing an estimated six million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly teacher sustained injuries when she leapt from a 5 story building with her pet buffalo under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Four O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia denizens that downtown rebuilding will begin beautifully, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Roger Irving. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Priests everywhere maimed deliberately at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

The Renton Pounders traded Will Peterson to the Wichita Doggers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Peterson did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Peterson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Doggers coach Mick Thomas said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."