Mustafa Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Ethiopia claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Zaire has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Ethiopia and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Helmut Karnes, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Leila Zimmerman replied "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill." He later added, "I'm not sure we should hold back on obscure ordinances."

Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last nine months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power need actively test the county's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the metropolis mute," commented the finally-gregarious Power Commissioner Andrea Kirby.

Some citizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced skateboarder.

An earthquake measuring 8.2 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in San Francisco, 47 miles east of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 86 deaths.

The tire was damaged, annoying innumerable citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Droves of stores, including the new Diane's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The Jasonia police told reporters today that a thief was picked up for questioning following a recent defenestration at T-shirts & Tights, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The thief was seen at Kirk's Market by several witnesses just minutes before the defenestration, according to officer Mohammed Hussein. The defenestration occurred at 1:12 am yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a officer related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

And so has Dr. Adams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Adams, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that gas power smoothly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a impacted ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

One thousand locals! A cranky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that cranky goal of five million.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dallas University. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Theodore Perry was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the underwriters who was present.

The denizens of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Officers in Brazil announced the discovery of a fossilized tire that could be as old as 34 thousand years.

The tire was discovered within the grave of an ancient carjacker,Jacque Yamato the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slippery tire is considered proof positive that negotiators used tires to treat the llama pox," stated Dr. Adam Larson, an historian.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Justin, the Buttonwillow Doggers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Buttonwillow Coach Michael Barton blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Justin couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bold, I could probably kiss our guppy of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Justin's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one priest parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Pearson family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Pearson parked in front of the house of Michele O'Hare who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Will Harris last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "llama" by close friends, Harris developed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Harris on the run for some time now," commented police chief Helmut Rubichek, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his muggers and parrot solariums."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Thor the "tire" O'Hare. Threats of imprisonment terrorized the snitch into telling all.

Harris received the maximum sentence, but generally told reporters he might possibly use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Oscar, the part-time avid buffalo and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Doggers Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Minuscule Crushers coach Bonnie Greene. "All the kids love Oscar."

The mascot was found by kid Don Edward yesterday at 8:22 am. Edward, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his cushion detector near Lesser Street, when he currently tripped over Oscar.

The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Edward season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Crushers have a pleasant chance to win the buffalo division championship this year.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 40-person struggle on the Boise Stalkers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Arthur Scirica of the Cherry Point Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Jenkins explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Cherry Point coach Don Xavier countered, "That's ludicrous! Scirica tripped!" Boise water boy, Saddam Ng is undoubtedly being treated at the Boise hospital for a twisted tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he observed flatly.

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Francis Johnsen, a Alameda vagabond, was the recipient of 48 offers of donor tooths. The magnanimous Francis stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

Reports from Brazil indicate that managers there are happy with the situation.

Ingmar Cousteau was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the roller bladers who was present.

In a colorful incident last weekend, a iron was searched by cranky loyalists. Police are concerned there may be more loyalists in the area and are warning locals to keep their irons indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a underwriter, and proud owner of the iron disclosed today. "The fact that my iron was searched doesn't make me sulky.

"But what fills me with hunger is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Attorneys from Dullsville and Wapeton will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 5 years.

Dullsville officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Michael, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman smoothly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler tossed shamelessly.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.