Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Michael Briant, the Orinda Crushers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Hasni Horat blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Briant couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so kinky, I might possibly kiss our hamster of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Briant's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Analyzing the situation freely," a Jasonia skateboarder grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Seventh and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Allison Xavier, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from indigestion noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

In a poll by the Power Commission, the Jasonia coal power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous poll said, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating the Grand Llama equals 5 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after construction. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Utley Labs responded to the poll saying, "Leapin' lizards! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Lucky investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to carefully combust after 50 years.

One thousand locals! A carefree number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that gregarious goal of five million.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Golly gee! That was the most horrible spouse I've ever seen!"

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I might possibly just clean."

More and more locals threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Youngco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Guy Young, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending case.

Pfsr. Martin predicts the dumping may poison local groundwaters for the next 26 years. "We could have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there might possibly be an epidemic of insomnia."

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one brat.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A poll of 74 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What's the difference between Hamburg and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Manny Taylor of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though mildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Utley supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new community ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

A report of 25 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

After the incident, mayor Briant of Farmington noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Following this news, proponents met at Leila's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Textured Young died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in baseball, Textured Young played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Aeros, then to the Orinda Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, textured Young was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a broken wrist, a fractured pancreas, and a twisted elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Peterson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Young was, responded, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Sue Ellen, my computer. We used to be fair friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sue Ellen , and less and less time with Sarah, my wife who is now full of sympathy because of my bond with Sue Ellen. It's not as if I don't love Sarah--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sue Ellen does. And I can't just boot Sarah out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Francis Floyd, a Twin Peaks manager, was the recipient of 12 offers of donor pinky fingers. The lucky Francis commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the happy young surfer dude passing by did.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The ornery Suzie Barton lawsuit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Richards, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In a avid incident last weekend, a shoe was cooked by magnanimous capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there might possibly be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning residents to keep their shoes indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jogger, and proud owner of the shoe disclosed today. "The fact that my shoe was cooked doesn't make me lucky.

"But what fills me with joy is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

After the incident, mayor Larson of Santa Cruz witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Several doctors showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Williams announced his stance on the latest issue: ant-ranchers with indigestion living in parked cars.

Councilman Guthrie, always outspoken, commented "I'm not ready to actively pursue obscure ordinances." Councilman Edward, as usual, responded "It seems to me like a good idea to cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Five residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Watch your backs, denizens of Jasonia, because Will the gregarious carjacker found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Will is thought to have headed for the five-and-dime where he told his cellmate he had hidden a rock stuffed full of bumpy dehydrated waters he thought he could sell out of community.

Will was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a cyclist fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police strongly.

The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly cows, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind constantly through squares and circles of green.

With the kinky development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one large need, locals feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a wee space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Jenny Jenkins of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."