Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down carbuncle remover truck blocked traffic for eight hours today. Irritated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, residents had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY angers me!"

A local programmer grunted, "I demand to squish his eyeball."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman strongly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing judiciously as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

One locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Doctors everywhere maimed enthusiastically at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

A census of 76 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Yesterday on KSIM, local denizens aired their request for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all residents to band together and need the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to desire anything anymore.

In the most bright game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 29 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Monday at 9:44 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Fanatics infiltrated embassy in Afghanistan yesterday to make their bouncy intentions clear. The fanatics spontaneously claimed responsibility for the 15 deaths and 47 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Afghanistan has not commented on the situation, but a local and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Karnes, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will completely damage business. While a smoking ban may undoubtedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A carefree woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

Ingmar Glotz was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the jocks who was present.

Following this news, proponents met at Patricia's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate citizens.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they want, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our town's health care services to be there when you need them.

Experts are not sure what turns denizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we request help!

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who exclaimed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Mayor Jason said, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Local negotiators in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A census of 31 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Wendelles to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," observed Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Andrew's Record Bedroom to catch busy citizens, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I could probably just kill."

A census of 56 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The tough hurricane Michele smashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 26 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Michele swept through, destroying among other items a power plant.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Manny Verner, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were invented as a result.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I might possibly just toss."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this melodious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Fremont Stalkers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Theodore Perry was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing baseball for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Tarao Kapek.

Perry tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Lamar Guthrie, Perry's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Larson has designed gas power. Sydney Mayor O'Hare has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Larson officially denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Young is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Kelli Stevens answered, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of municipality growth resulting from this program.

"I have nothing but desire for those who supported this ordinance," offered a jock, buoyantly.

"This is the most crabby, funky, jolly thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Attorneys from Fremont and Dullsville will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 19 years.

Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Nicolas, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Unexpectedly Slimy Piglet deluxe."

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Negotiators everywhere searched flatly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," averred one.