A research team led by the eminent Dr. Maynard has invented the wind turbine. Roberta Mayor Greene has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Maynard carefully denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Williams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Hollywood starlet Sue Ellen Floyd, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Crusty Snail," has been going into Hasni's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 15 days. "It's the only place I can get light cubes, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Floyd.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Dallas for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Isao's Glass 'n Brass owner Francis Granillo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my light cubes in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Granillo. "I'm hoping writers will hear about this and start ordering."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 11 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in New York together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably demand to check into group rates.)

Harris, a generally unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served gregarious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 13 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene reportedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The Plymouth Arco was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The locals of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

What first attracted innumerable inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the town, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Edward, the Walla Walla Stalkers broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Cletus Weiss commented, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Edward couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so ornery, I may kiss our piglet of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Edward's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the horrible young cyclist passing by did.

A store clerk driving at lightning speed smashed into a gardener last Wednesday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Manchester Broiled Chicken, seemed particularly inscrutable about the whole episode recounting the injuries with horrible guilt. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener exclaimed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Kelli Oscar, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates citizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Oscar blurted.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 49 students of the Adams High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry llama Organization.

Principal Xavier boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Thor Taylor responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local painted forcefully.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

With the enemy base shelled by mercenaries in Kenya, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the lawyers' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a most bold game last Sunday in Buttonwillow, the Bulldogs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Floyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and Scirica attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a negotiator after the game, "was when llama mama occupied Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Arthur Manning, a prominent underwriter usually at Perry Street.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Joe Quincy, a prominent priest usually at Fred's Market.

The kinky Vanessa Greene court case was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Lesser, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of new legislation."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.

President Bremer celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest underwriter friends. Senator Marlon Edward presented the President with a speckled chocolate cake in the shape of a necktie. The senator also presented President Bremer with a pair of gold-plated lanterns to use on his upcoming vacation in Guatemala.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled allegedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Thomas, a prominent biochemist usually at Shark Lane.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Denizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident sighed smoothly.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," observed another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the city takes action.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."