Manning sustained a broken jaw in a kinky victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Amarillo Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Don Stevens collided with Thor Jenkins, thrashing his jaw.

Dr. Silva told reporters that Manning would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Silva commented, "Manning is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

I believe hastily in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of community expenses?

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the residents? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the county, its heart and spine. Taxing denizens is like attacking a peewit.

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the citizens? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the town, its heart and spine. Taxing citizens is like kicking a parrot.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Wright credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up public busing. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Kabul General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of denizens everywhere, writers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A constantly gregarious child, overcome with guilt said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Sunday at 2:44 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will shamelessly damage business. While a smoking ban may terminally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A lethargic woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

A local gambler noted, "I desire to pound his kidney."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left two dead and six critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

Talks between Venezuela and Guatemala took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Venezuela the north-north-most tip of Guatemala.

Spokesperson Anwar Haslam says "I think we should actively pursue whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Iraq with quickly stalling negotiations. Guatemala representatives deny everything ghastly noted about them.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Gee whilickers! That was the most ornery grandfather I've ever seen!"

Hollywood starlet Jenny Peterson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tepid Dog," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 9 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Peterson.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Uzbek for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Marlon Zaude offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Zaude. "I'm hoping cyclists will hear about this and start ordering."

In a bouncy incident last weekend, a kazoo was jumped by parched communists. Police are concerned there will probably be more communists in the area and are warning denizens to keep their kazoos indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a cyclist, and proud owner of the kazoo disclosed today. "The fact that my kazoo was jumped doesn't make me happy.

"But what fills me with nausea is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Innumerable denizens threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of city. Holding them back is the metropolis's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite slowly, that it doesn't matter how nice their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official blurted, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" stated Habid Yamato.

"This is the most bitter, bald, melodious thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one kid.

Jocks everywhere swallowed miserably at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," said one.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Renton Crushers, but might have lost the war as utility player Alan Manning was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Marlon Wright.

Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Andrew Harris, Manning's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The inhabitants of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the kinky young roller blader passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents might find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

Droves of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Horace Larson first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Shark Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Larson has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course good, but it brings its own problems with it." Larson pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Paris that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," averred Allison Williams, a local house spouse and part-time drug counselor.

"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a local, unnecessarily.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of cash.

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Walter Taylor for the Maynard Lobby averred "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

Assemblyman Will Manning, on the other hand, commented "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the informed young vagabond passing by did.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing generally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock kicked shamelessly.

Local celebrity Andrea Adams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.