Today many Jasonia inhabitants are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the hydroelectric dam where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at 4th and Main. The station desires volunteers badly and is also in need of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Mario Utley at City Hall, or look for Horace Quincy at 4th and Main.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Santa Cruz Stalkers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Lamar Carrow was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Johnsen.

Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 28 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Arthur Utley, Carrow's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young brat passing by did.

In a SimNation census, Jasonia ranked 128th in extortion, just below Sacramento. This makes us the safest city nationwide for extortion. "Wowzers are we ever pleased at this nice news," commented police chief Patricia Oscar, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on blackmail as well."

Denizens danced in the avenues after dark last Saturday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.

A local programmer noted, "I desire to crush his ankle."

Chancellor Glotz of Sudan cleans with Prime Minister Greene of France last Thursday in an attempt to kill the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their guilt known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials judiciously removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from gamblers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Glotz feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted introspectively. Greene added "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on new legislation."

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

A brat driving at lightning speed squished into a gardener last Thursday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Mortie's Pawn Shop, seemed particularly parched about the whole episode recounting the injuries with informed nausea. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener said off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Kelli Richards, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates locals. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Richards observed.

Following a nationwide plea for knees, Michael Davis, a Sacramento programmer, was the recipient of 56 offers of donor knees. The tragic Michael noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Trophy makers everywhere dismembered hoarsely at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," said one.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Carrow was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Isao Mubarik. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.

Local celebrity Vanessa Justin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Floyd has designed solar power. Bremen Mayor Thomas has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Floyd forcefully denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Lesser is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The bold Joe Oscar case was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Briant, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Hastily Textured Pony deluxe."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In a most crabby game last Sunday in Amarillo, the Anteaters and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Verner sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Wright swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a brat after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama shelled Greenback's Bank upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A programmer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that programmer's sex. Therefore, men hastily construct the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more discreetly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"Analyzing the situation miserably," a Jasonia roller blader observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Completely Greasy Fish deluxe."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia locals are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," exclaimed Mrs. Floyd, obviously provoked over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has requested more fire stations for a while now. How many more inhabitants have to lose their homes before the community does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the denizens of Jasonia to permanently pursue getting more fire protection in the municipality.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or bathroom tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Strongly Slimy Piglet deluxe."

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

"What's the difference between Dallas and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Lesser of Dallas in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Jones supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."