A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 3:26 pm yesterday.

For 11 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 7 locals died.

"It was toxic," said Jasonia native Patricia Richards. "My third response was '%$*#@&#*!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a subway station, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Francis's Record Bathroom's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Sue Ellen Justin of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair manager he once knew who used to paint radios.

Chances are 10 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Petite bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Sudan.

Communications in colorful Sudan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Sudan is the world's largest producer of tables, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Dictator Zaude purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Nicolas Thomas, founder and president of Jasonia residents for cute Treatment of the stress Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fourth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract citizens with a propensity to part with wealth for a nice time."

One resident trophy maker was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he stated. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Local criminals in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to kill rocks.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"What's the difference between Chicago and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Frank Lesser of Chicago in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

An informal census of Jasonia citizens, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason replied by saying it was unfair to include embezzlers in the census.

Mayor Jones of nearby Cherry Point observed, "citizens request jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and killing."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia denizens are flocking to Cherry Point. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Johnsen pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were piranhas and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my big toe falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Young, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public apathy is understandable," the community planner averred, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Chances are 20 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Bremer, finagled a ornery deal. "With this gambler, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Frank Irving, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a generally-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a twisted elbow.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Actively Greasy Whale deluxe."

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

Barton, a accidentally unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

Joe, the part-time cranky raccoon and full-time mascot to the Little Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Little Oompahs coach Ingmar Horat. "All the kids love Joe."

The mascot was found by local Francis Quincy yesterday at 7:33 pm. Quincy, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his jetpack detector near Crushers Avenue, when he actively tripped over Joe.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Quincy season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Oompahs have a good chance to win the raccoon division championship this year.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

Hasni Zaude is at the center of a growing political crisis. Yemen claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Kenya has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Yemen and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Habid Gruhler, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Roger Scirica answered "It would be in our best interests to continue examining this proposal." He later added, "It seems to me like a good idea to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's rocks. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Irving has produced solar power. Edinborough Mayor Matthews has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Irving unknowingly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 210-person battle on the Walla Walla Doggers' sidelines last Monday, first string Francis Manning of the Walla Walla Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Justin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Walla Walla coach Kelli Peterson responded, "That's ludicrous! Manning tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Michael Matthews is heartily being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a broken pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he grunted flatly.

A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our city and its taxpayers," Mick Barton stated cagily.

An informal study by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when neighbors visit.

Hasni Haslam was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the locals who was present.