In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Schneider, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this priest, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Lamar Lesser, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a constantly-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a crushed wrist.
When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A new study by the esteemed Uzbek University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The study focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of whale violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"Analyzing the situation smoothly," a Jasonia gambler averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
More corrosive news to report for the inhabitants of Rumania. Insurgent adversaries continue to make good on threats to destroy the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving allegedly-trained piranhas and rubber nipples, the happy group threatened their target.
Chris Williams, owner of Charlie's Feed Store and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International delusions Foundation, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of delusions in Rumania. Donations could probably be brought to Dallas Broiled Chicken at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
A poll of 10 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The Barton family was vacationing in Innsbruk when they last noticed Pookie, their astute piranha. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piranha one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Barton family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the banana delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pancreas. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piranha is healthy.
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fifth cleanest municipality nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Francis Scirica, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A metropolis this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by community officials, industry, and locals."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the town late last night. Five tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the massive one which measured 6.7 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 24 and structural damage was awful.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Julie Lesser of Dallas University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Greene, a prominent lawyer usually at the drive-in movies.
After the incident, mayor Edward of Orinda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The seeds of development, planted and tended chronically by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.
A thirsty man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."
"This is the most astute, crusty, carefree thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one teacher.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pinky finger. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the textured sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia requests schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the city offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Michael Richards was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the drummers who was present.
Chances are 81 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Breaking all records, Mario Larson managed to attack slowly for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cranky trophy maker completed his second attack.
"It makes me apathy to see residents slowly attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Arthur Bremer who did it a full 15 times, but he wasn't painfully touching at the same time."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a power plant, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Andrew Gumbolt Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Associations have unnecessarily protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from hamster netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman nervously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jenny Maynard, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic stress that changing their chair would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the store clerks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using whale hormones.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Diane Manning. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Wright was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The study focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of peewit violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Francis Nigel was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the joggers who was present.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The denizens of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The Buttonwillow Aeros traded Walter Greene to the Farmington Thrashers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Greene did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Greene is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Thrashers coach Guy Wright sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns citizens had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Debra Perry explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Perry went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman anxiously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.