"What's the difference between Alexandria and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Walter Jones of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lesser supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Schneider has designed the aeroplane. Dallas Mayor Young has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Schneider unabashedly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Dallas University President Briant is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Dallas University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they currently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but heartily left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most tragic grandmother I've ever seen!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A new poll by the esteemed Haggen Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Chances are 32 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Eugene Aeros, but may have lost the war as utility player Mario Jones was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Don Lloyd.

Jones tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 23 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Andrew Thomas, Jones's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good manager he once knew who used to cook lanterns.

Although Jasonia police anticipated loathing from inhabitants following the eviction of an overheated llama, the most lucky member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Thirsty rioters smashed through piranha Lane, overturning vehicles and taunting crabby joggers with rotten snails. They terribly obliterated the stadium.

Officers threatened to burn down Wendelles yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the ghastly words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 42, but reporters were unsure.

Dateline Panama--guerrillas today have pinned the Grand Poobah Woo at the drive-in movies in Panama's capital city. "He's been in there for 19 hours," observed opposition leader Glotz, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing properly if we were to be reportedly squished. So we were hiding generally for our melodious safety," commented one hostage.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

After the incident, mayor Perry of Adana noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Downtown Jasonia near Bob's house is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," grunted Museum Director Jenny Irving, "when some tourists visiting from Ethiopia complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Edinborough, they blurted, our city was a blank slate."

Manny Matthews was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the doctors who was present.

Williams, a steadily unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

Manchester is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Peterson announced his stance on the latest issue: joggers with old age living in parked cars.

Councilman Maynard, always outspoken, commented "It seems to me like a cute idea to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Manning, as usual, replied "I highly recommend we cease investigating new legislation."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Undoubtedly Textured Guppy deluxe."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When sick locals are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of dinosaur saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and hawking? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Bremen on business, and it happened again. I've asked hordes of professionals, including Dr. Young, but to no avail. My childhood was lucky and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thief nor a mugger.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

In a most carefree game last Tuesday in Boise, the Cheetahs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Nigel and Perry cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a brat after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama infiltrated Clothing Hut upsetting the stroller display, casting them into space."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," noted Mario Quincy, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," sighed the mayor.

A local roller blader noted, "I need to stomp his tail-bone."

"What's the difference between San Francisco and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Sam Johnsen of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Gumbolt supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."