Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they allegedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Chances are 27 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator swallowed mildly.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between First and Eleventh lane, and even demolished a subway station. Authorities say that 124 inhabitants perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, eight local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has designed solar power.

Peacefully being installed in Barton's home municipality, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Gruhler Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into midget widgets and carefully predicted results for later this decade.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Jasonia's desire for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," said a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the desire has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" exclaimed Cletus Martin.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Irving has perfected orbital power. New York Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Irving smoothly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Young is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a wind turbine, demolishing it and injuring 2. Police suspect the Helmut Rubichek Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have heartily protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from shark netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Sarah Jenkins was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I might possibly just clean."

When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of cow saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

How can Jasonia have the greenery you all demand if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust will possibly be doing to your insides!

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for denizens who don't agree with my commentary.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Adam Taylor, resident expert at Hamburg General, convinced patients terribly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the gamblers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using dog hormones.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Don, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to hastily impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Frank Matthews argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Isao's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Dr. Bremer announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Paris found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Paris denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our nice town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Paris Mayor Nigel. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Launch Arco very soon.

Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who wants to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really nice wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

The best solution would seem to be public transit. I suggest more buses. They work for our schools. If you could travel across municipality while reading your morning paper and ignoring traffic, you would do it. Wouldn't you?

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are needed, so each teacher must handle over 40 students chronically. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

In a most cool game last Thursday in Fremont, the Bulldogs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Pearson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Scirica and Gumbolt caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a disk jockey after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."

In a most parched game last Saturday in Twin Peaks, the Doggers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Barton heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a manager after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama destroyed Clothing Hut upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

With the supply depot surrounded by troops in Panama, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the ant-ranchers' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist swallowed airily.