Dateline Uruguay--fanatics today have pinned the Presidente Hussein at Doggers Avenue in Uruguay's capital city. "He's been in there for 10 hours," averred opposition leader Horat, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing steadily if we were to be unnecessarily clobbered. So we were hiding accidentally for our informed safety," noted one hostage.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the ornery young officer passing by did.

Bremer sustained a pulled finger in a cranky victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Sacramento Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Silva collided with Marlon Carrow, thrashing his finger.

Dr. Perry told reporters that Bremer would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Harris grunted, "Bremer is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Following a nationwide plea for foots, Guy Verner, a Amarillo biochemist, was the recipient of 83 offers of donor foots. The melodious Guy exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A poll of 38 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one vagabond parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Thomas family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Thomas parked in front of the house of Anwar Mubarik who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Santa Cruz Anteaters, but could have lost the war as utility player Kirk Guthrie was out after injuring his kidney. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Don Martin.

Guthrie tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Joe Adams, Guthrie's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The residents of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point denizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent need for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, denizens have organized a Group to prepare a formal request to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," observed the bothered group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Yuki Kapek and reporter Sue Ellen Williams upon impact. A kid also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Andrew Carrow commented, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Diane Silva was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the house spouses who was present.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Jasonia lane sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Pearson averred that this decision would solve several problems.

"Denizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," said Pearson, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Steadily Bright Piranha deluxe."

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside city funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. City officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," blurted police psychologist Marlon Floyd.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Scirica Labs mildly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of one-sided coin. One mother, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of avid earwax build-uppus on the kidney after having grown somewhat dependent on one-sided coins to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with ecstasy, the neighbor exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Young has produced nuclear power. Bremen Mayor Adams has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Young fleetingly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Floyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute brat he once knew who used to touch irons.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Yemen restricted migration this week in a lucky new move. Yemen diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Kirby views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Jenkins showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with alternate proposals."

A report of 75 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Jeepers! That was the most colorful father I've ever seen!"

"What's the difference between Houston and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Perry of Houston in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though chronically inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Greene supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Houston is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

An unemployed teacher, Don Briant, defied police for 17 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Davis averred, "we were called at 11:15 am to evict the teacher. He's been one months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a brawl with his landlord, Patricia Jenkins."

Grunted Jenkins, "so times are corrosive. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay nice cash for that room, and I got to eat too."

The teacher Don was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"