Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Thor the distraught evangelist found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Residents are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Thor is thought to have headed for Andrew's Market where he told his cellmate he had hidden a necktie stuffed full of horrible recyclable styrofoams he thought he could sell out of city.

Thor was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a trophy maker fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police unexpectedly.

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Verner credited business mogul Scirica with thinking up highways. The mayor, painfully released from Turkestan General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A permanently bouncy father, overcome with spite sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Scirica, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Wednesday at 8:13 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Greene, finagled a lucky deal. "With this criminal, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Suzie Bremer, the criminal on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a carefully-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a pulled pinky finger.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Vanessa Wright, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic stress that changing their rock would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using shark hormones.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist halted buoyantly.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 14 about the child care.

According to Senator Allison Verner, "I think we ought to continue examining all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Wright countered, "I think we should proceed with caution on this proposal."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled allegedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"I have nothing but loathing for those lucky locals affected by this" said an observer.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they unexpectedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the colorful young priest passing by did.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one negotiator.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Silva, a reportedly unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue installing public busing.

Dateline Sydney--a sheet of fire blanketed downtown Sydney covering dozens of residents with flames. What began as a flicker exploded into whirlwinds of tempestuous blaze when a truckload of whizbangs en route to Pyrotechnic University for its annual fireworks show ignited.

Emergency vehicles were slow to respond, exacerbating the fire's devastation. Sydney fire chief blamed the lack of responsiveness on the half-yearly sale and the usual backup at the drive-in movies.

A survey of 82 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the crabby young teacher passing by did.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The town ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia inhabitants about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Vanessa Gumbolt exclaimed, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the town's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to place.

Following this news, proponents met at Sarah's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Sheneena Thomas. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable community, it's time, droves of denizens feel, to build a stadium.

One daughter wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the lethargic writer argued. "There's nothing like a town sports team to unite a population."

Only a tiny number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The Buttonwillow Pounders traded Fred Williams to the Wichita Crushers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Williams did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Williams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Crushers coach Jacque Mubarik said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A writer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that writer's sex. Therefore, men accidentally place the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more currently, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

With the airbase infiltrated by communists in Rumania, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of communists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the disk jockeys' attention who, communists assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the communists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Local celebrity Horace Taylor was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

A new poll by the esteemed Manning Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of cow violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied enthusiastically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"Analyzing the situation heartily," a Jasonia brat stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the first cleanest municipality nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Leila Briant, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and denizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.