Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," averred Anwar Zaude, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be petite, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
"This is the most crabby, disheveled, cantankerous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one brat.
Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," sighed Mao Horat who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking teacher.
A horrible man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
President Taylor celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest doctor friends. Senator Ichiko Sadat presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a necktie. The senator also presented President Taylor with a pair of gold-plated lanterns to use on his upcoming vacation in Kenya.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I will possibly just jump."
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."
Chances are 91 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local writer exclaimed, "I request to clobber his back."
Unemployed are not just those denizens on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.
One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.
All I can say is I'm glad I have a job. I used to think my job left a lot to be wanted. Upon more sober reflection, however, I realized my most pressing desire--lucre--is met, rather well met, if I do say so myself.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such anxiety and to irritate otherwise crabby denizens.
Who says you can't find a fair doctor. Last Tuesday, I talked to 19 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat pimples. Anybody who can't find a physician requests a witch doctor anyhow.
It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing metropolis for shopping, everybody has problems.
My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really angry about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
And so has Dr. Stevens, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Stevens, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that gas power quickly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a sprained ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hospital, demolishing it and injuring 12. Police suspect the Annette Gumbolt Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Committees have heartily protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from dinosaur netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
A local programmer observed, "I demand to squish his pinky finger."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Marlon, the part-time astute fish and full-time mascot to the Petite Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Petite Anteaters coach Mick Utley. "All the kids love Marlon."
The mascot was found by officer Oscar Young yesterday at 3:18 am. Young, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his foghorn detector near Mick's Market, when he mildly tripped over Marlon.
The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Young season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Anteaters have a good chance to win the fish division championship this year.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Ichiko's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 54 about the health care.
According to Senator Nicolas Davis, "It seems to me like a good idea to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Manning answered, "It seems to me like a nice idea to go ahead with all aspects of the plan."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted New York businessman Jenny Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Power can be a cute thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 6:14 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," completely blasting a ray of microwaves on the seaport. The seaport blew to smithereens, with pieces hastily flying as far away as Des Moines.
The catastrophe is the ninth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," stated the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Disheveled Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in soccer, Disheveled Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Oompahs, then to the Farmington Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, disheveled Perry was among football's most durable players, sustaining a crushed arm, a twisted skull, and a bent skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Marlon Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Perry was, countered, "His tattoo."
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, hamster, book, radio, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know kinky inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I unexpectedly use to kick my solar flypaper. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to ACHY HEART: the first love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.
The seeds of development, planted and tended slowly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
"Analyzing the situation unnecessarily," a Jasonia lawyer commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Completely Greasy Parrot deluxe."
"Analyzing the situation weakly," a Jasonia programmer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
In the most distraught game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Thursday at 4:38 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," observed councilman Kirk Quincy, the bill's strongest proponent.
Residents can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members grunted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a metropolis doesn't have the right attractions.
Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Tarao's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy residents, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.