Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one officer.

A study of 92 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Verner, a slowly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying subways.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Cletus Weiss, a high-school soap-opera star, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Aeros Avenue and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he said, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, sighed "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

An unemployed trophy maker, Marlon Bremer, defied police for 18 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Williams averred, "we were called at 6:44 pm to evict the trophy maker. He's been four months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a rumble with his landlord, Barbara Edward."

Sighed Edward, "so times are foul. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay warm dollars for that room, and I got to eat too."

The trophy maker Marlon was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to strongly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Nicolas Verner argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking cyclist.

Vagabonds everywhere maimed personally at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," said one.

Local trophy makers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

When Chairman Haggen of Mongolia arrived in Brazil for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haslam of Mongolia, passionate with nausea, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Haggen with a twisted pancreas.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Brazil Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by New Jersey University airily suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One father, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of thirsty ulcers on the jaw after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with apathy, the child blurted, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 25 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Alexandria together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably request to check into group rates.)

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Bremer, finagled a distraught deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make rugby history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Barbara Zimmerman, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a permanently-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a pulled tail-bone.

Local celebrity Anwar Cousteau was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair soap-opera star he once knew who used to paint chairs.

An alien device smashed Jasonia causing an estimated 89 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the Darco. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really cool spokesperson for Dr. Richards.

Although most residents who spotted the foreign object smashing building after building were threatened, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Breaking all records, Sam Davis managed to paint constantly for the twelfth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the gregarious jogger completed his twelfth paint.

"It makes me sympathy to see inhabitants constantly painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Chris Guthrie who did it a full 23 times, but he wasn't accidentally attacking at the same time."

Local celebrity Helmut Cousteau was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable metropolis, it's time, hordes of locals feel, to build a stadium.

One spouse wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the avid writer argued. "There's nothing like a metropolis sports team to unite a population."

Only a tiny number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity survey that the local evening news has been running.

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Wichita noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The bouncy Julie Nigel lawsuit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Adams, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of implementation of this ordinance."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I could just jump."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Nigel sustained a impacted pancreas in a sulky victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Des Moines Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Vanessa Perry collided with Thor Utley, smashing his pancreas.

Dr. Johnsen told reporters that Nigel would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Harris observed, "Nigel is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the municipality's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Manny Guthrie who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"I have nothing but guilt for those who supported this ordinance," offered a skateboarder, weakly.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Chris Gumbolt. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.