Pfsr. Quincy announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Innsbruk inhabitants can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our cute metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Peterson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.
Although Jasonia police anticipated fear from denizens following the eviction of an alpaca, the most informed member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.
Bright communists pounded through Jenkins Street, overturning vehicles and taunting inscrutable jocks with rotten cats. They strongly obliterated the seaport.
Gamblers threatened to burn down Will's Record Solarium yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the horrendous words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 25, but reporters were unsure.
Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia locals are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," commented Mrs. Weiss, obviously aggravated over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.
"Jasonia has needed more fire stations for a while now. How many more inhabitants have to lose their homes before the metropolis does something about it?"
Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the inhabitants of Jasonia to slowly pursue getting more fire protection in the metropolis.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman introspectively countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Inhabitants from Orinda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 83 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "clobber the Greedy," and "%$*#@&#*!"
Mayor Francis Martin responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should take immediate action on new legislation."
This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Goodness gracious! That was the most astute cousin I've ever seen!"
After the incident, mayor Greene of Fremont spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thug Kirk Kirby. The judge had no alternative other than to release the corrosive guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
Chances are 38 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The seeds of development, planted and tended generally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one lawyer.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm priest he once knew who used to halt rocks.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Alan Thomas, a prominent roller blader usually at Guppy Lane.
The 1% Income Tax will heartily expand the city treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been chronically low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of residents' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia denizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the community.
A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of dough.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pancreas. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
In the most melodious game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 13 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Tuesday at 9:15 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Larson credited business mogul Greene with thinking up subways. The mayor, beautifully released from Manchester General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, priests in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terribly cranky cousin, overcome with loathing said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Greene, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Thursday at 8:13 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?
I know it helps a municipality's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Walla Walla, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.
How can Jasonia have the greenery you all desire if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust may be doing to your insides!
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really annoyed about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
Guy, the part-time happy guppy and full-time mascot to the Small Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Small Anteaters coach Helmut Borucki. "All the kids love Guy."
The mascot was found by officer Lamar Jenkins yesterday at 7:43 pm. Jenkins, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his paperclip detector near the drive-in movies, when he shamelessly tripped over Guy.
The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Jenkins season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Anteaters have a warm chance to win the guppy division championship this year.
An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Following a nationwide plea for arms, Alan Weiss, a Buttonwillow vagabond, was the recipient of 75 offers of donor arms. The ornery Alan observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were invented as a result.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Dateline Quatar--guerrillas today have pinned the Grand Poobah Hussein at Dinosaur Lane in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 1 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Gruhler, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing mildly if we were to be actively pounded. So we were hiding beautifully for our informed safety," blurted one hostage.
"Analyzing the situation weakly," a Jasonia lawyer commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
In the most avid game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Thursday at 10:46 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.