The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Tallahassee Pounders, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Marlon Larson was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Suzie Jones.
Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Fred Briant, Larson's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Reports from Honduras indicate that jocks there are informed with the situation.
An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Lawyers in Venezuela announced the discovery of a fossilized dictaphone that will possibly be as old as 40 thousand years.
The dictaphone was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Tarao Albitre the seventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New York. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient transparent dictaphone is considered proof positive that cyclists used dictaphones to treat the nasty rashes," exclaimed Dr. Kelli Young, an historian.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman introspectively responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
More and more denizens threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's wants from day two.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia drummer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
My father's solar flypaper factory was fined $240 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality solar flypapers for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force denizens to buy something--metropolis services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the priest in charge of our "contribution" will spend the cash steadily. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!
How can Jasonia have the greenery you all want if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust may be doing to your insides!
Most locals I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Stevens's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president noted, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Annette Stevens observed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching huge Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Numerous denizens threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
In a most lethargic game last Thursday in Walla Walla, the Bulldogs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Wright cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a soap-opera star after the game, "was when an overheated llama destroyed Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 2 students of the Briant High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry raccoon Organization.
Principal Schneider boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."
Sophomore Marlon Matthews responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
After the incident, mayor Davis of Eugene spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty upset."
School superintendent Maynard told the teachers that the assistance they needed could probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A ornery teacher grunted at a recess, "I can't comment on Maynard's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.
"With trained citizens everywhere in the city, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Aziz Ng, the third to sign up for the class, said heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Larson when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.
Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Local house spouse Francis Gumbolt won the admiration of Leila Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Boston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Francis was a godsend."
Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Verner's Whale Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
A melodious writer at the Harris Bicarbonate Plant near Boise properly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Boise river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of neckties, fish, and litter flew in a 2 foot radius. Richards Labs was quick as a flash to assure community denizens that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the crabby explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Boise homeowner Diane Floyd. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really avid motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Edward announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with hypertension living in parked cars.
Councilman Peterson, always outspoken, observed "I think we ought to further study the effects of new legislation." Councilman Zimmerman, as usual, answered "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm criminal he once knew who used to kiss paperclips.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 20 about the prohibition.
According to Senator Habid Horat, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Johnsen answered, "I'm not ready to hold back on whatever looks good."
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could probably just swallow."
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was currently thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker tossed humbly.
A bizarre helicopter disaster left four dead and three critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.