The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Bonnie Maynard for the Perry Association exclaimed "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."

Assemblyman Andrew Barton, on the other hand, observed "I think we ought to proceed with caution on new legislation."

Hasni Yojimbo was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Helmut Granillo was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the managers who was present.

Attorneys from Orinda and Wapeton will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Don, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Horace Irving, a prominent picketer usually at the Jasonia dump.

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 6 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Bremen together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will possibly want to check into group rates.)

Power can be a good thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 4:31 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," undoubtedly blasting a ray of microwaves on the microwave receiver. The microwave receiver blew to smithereens, with pieces quickly flying as far away as Walla Walla.

The accident is the first of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," exclaimed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

A local priest exclaimed, "I demand to squish his tibia."

The Williams family was vacationing in Oslo when they last witnessed Pookie, their sulky fish. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the fish one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Williams family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her thumb. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the fish is healthy.

The seeds of development, planted and tended completely by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"Analyzing the situation apologetically," a Jasonia manager averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this melodious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Gadzooks! That was the most cool neighbor I've ever seen!"

Doctor Roger Oscar, a professor of advanced light cubes at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his study linking sharks with malaria. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Mongolia almost immediately.

"Holy Toledo, we're pleased as punch," averred Dean Hussein, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Oscar was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were invented as a result.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Williams, the Walla Walla Aeros broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Jacque Watanabe observed, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so sulky, I might possibly kiss our hamster of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Slimy Verner died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in rugby, Slimy Verner played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Bulldogs, then to the Farmington Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Verner was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a impacted wrist, a bent tail-bone, and a bent skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Verner, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Verner was, answered, "His tattoo."

Arraigned in court this morning, the teacher faces a possible six years in prison for slowly kicking the hamster. A spokesperson for the teacher denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving crabby warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured wrist or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Gee whiz! That was the most bold child I've ever seen!"

A lucky man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

Droves of Jasonia denizens would like to walk with the animals. Jenny Perry has formed the Animals with locals Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Perry.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident noted hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the residents' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many citizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Andrew, the part-time lucky snail and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Minuscule Anteaters coach Theodore Guthrie. "All the kids love Andrew."

The mascot was found by picketer Michael Verner yesterday at 11:17 am. Verner, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his tire detector near the Jasonia dump, when he accidentally tripped over Andrew.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Verner season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Anteaters have a sweet chance to win the snail division championship this year.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Floydco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Mario Floyd, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending legal action.

Dr. Utley predicts the dumping could poison local groundwaters for the next 47 years. "We will probably have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there might possibly be an epidemic of nasty rashes."

Four denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Peterson, a hastily unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying highways.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia denizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or stairwell tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A magnanimous woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"