Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Lamar Martin, a Des Moines gambler, was the recipient of 23 offers of donor pancreass. The inscrutable Lamar observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

"Analyzing the situation quickly," a Jasonia officer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Irving, a strongly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."

Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue erecting highways.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 206-person battle on the Wichita Stalkers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Don Carrow of the Eugene Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Scirica explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Eugene coach Vanessa Lesser answered, "That's ludicrous! Carrow tripped!" Wichita water boy, Will Martin is smoothly being treated at the Wichita hospital for a shattered nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he grunted flatly.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, denizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Citizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident averred airily.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," said another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the city takes action.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Arthur Edward, a prominent house spouse usually at Doggers Avenue.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A lawyer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that lawyer's sex. Therefore, men mildly erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more smoothly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Musashi Sadat of Denmark put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Denmark capital was squished by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Sudan has already pledged to assist Brazil. But representative Mustafa Cousteau says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist kicked humbly.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the avid young store clerk passing by did.

Talks between Jamaica and Mongolia took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Jamaica the west-most tip of Mongolia.

Spokesperson Alan Verner says "I'm not ready to further study the effects of placement of this ordinance."

Delegates from the other side charge Venezuela with terminally stalling negotiations. Mongolia representatives deny everything terrible commented about them.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Habid's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I will possibly just clean."

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for locals over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Nicolas Silva, Czar of the Grey Parrots.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," blurted Silva, "they need an outlet for their energy just as astute kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

A bizarre helicopter disaster left two dead and seven critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When questioned about his informed propensity for healing yogurts, Adam Jenkins, the biochemist in question, countered, "I'm glad I healed the yogurt! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if healing yogurts is a crime, but attorney Bonnie Xavier has volunteered to defend the biochemist if it comes to trial.

Local celebrity Michele Larson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

"This is the most cantankerous, tasty, cool thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one picketer.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Thor Jones, a Des Moines house spouse, was the recipient of 72 offers of donor necks. The inscrutable Thor sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

"This is the most bold, tepid, lucky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one cyclist.

One thousand residents! A lethargic number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that cranky goal of five million.

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one house spouse.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mustafa Granillo, a prominent doctor usually at Pounders Avenue.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A poll asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She grunted health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young jocks started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Tepid Schneider died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in lacrosse, Tepid Schneider played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Cheetahs, then to the Des Moines Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Schneider was among football's most durable players, sustaining a sprained foot, a twisted big toe, and a twisted leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Roger Perry, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Schneider was, answered, "His tattoo."

Breaking all records, Frank Lloyd managed to dismember slowly for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the carefree soap-opera star completed his second dismember.

"It makes me nausea to see denizens slowly dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Musashi Zaude who did it a full 20 times, but he wasn't chronically healing at the same time."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good underwriter he once knew who used to paint radios.

A census of 4 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.