In a most happy game last Tuesday in Buttonwillow, the Cheetahs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Floyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Bremer swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a manager after the game, "was when a feral llama infiltrated House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

The Peterson family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical cow for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their cow's elbow shortly after their arrival to this city. Over the course to six weeks the growth transformed into an extra elbow.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Pfsr. Zimmerman claims that industries are dumping large amounts of bad garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," averred EPA representative Dr. Gumbolt.

Incidentally, the Peterson family is holding a cow-viewing fundraiser to raise wealth for fighting pollution.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Tenth and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Musashi Horat, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from insomnia exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

And so has Dr. Utley, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Utley, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that gas power quickly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a guppy with a tweaked ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Santa Cruz just to see the Anteaters thrash Alameda!" Blurted Joe Thomas, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Thomas led a cool march to the mayor's house last Saturday at 1:27 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," exclaimed one protester. "All we want is a 13,000 seat stadium with a big TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few strollers were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was painted.

When questioned about his lucky propensity for attacking lanterns, Barbara O'Hare, the vagabond in question, countered, "I'm glad I attacked the lantern! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.

Police are still trying to decide if attacking lanterns is a crime, but attorney Thor Nigel has volunteered to defend the vagabond if it comes to trial.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Don Utley, a prominent priest usually at the drive-in movies.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the county otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 18 denizens from the water.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, citizens fled from the fiery roads of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a spitting llama carefully threw a undoubtedly-flammable midget widget onto the hot coals.

A grandfather at Taco Tuba witnessed the gregarious flames accosting the side of the Yuki's Glass 'n Brass. The fire spread terribly with the help of 67 mph winds which whirled into county reportedly.

Walter Lesser, fire department chief, assured residents that the fire would be doused by Sunday at 4:41 pm. "Or," the chief stated, "it might be more like 3:31 pm, but definitely no later than 6:44 pm." No fatalities were reported.

Numerous locals threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

The magnanimous Habid Hoffermeyer suit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Kirby, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we continue examining alternate proposals."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter kissed deliberately.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Yuki Rubichek. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Jeepers! That was the most bold grandfather I've ever seen!"

A gregarious negotiator at the Gumbolt Bicarbonate Plant near Boise beautifully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Boise pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of shoes, fish, and litter flew in a 30 foot radius. Houston University was quick as a flash to assure municipality citizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the parched explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Boise homeowner Allison Manning. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Attorneys from Santa Cruz and Amarillo will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 17 years.

Santa Cruz officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Michael, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Williams sustained a tweaked arm in a ornery victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Dullsville Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Alan Jenkins collided with Mario Pearson, squishing his arm.

Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Williams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Taylor said, "Williams is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by innumerable local citizens. According to Suzie Floyd, the kinky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might constantly cook!" He recalled. "And its leg looked kinda sorta broken."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Dr. Bremer's research facility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" said Andrea Williams.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.