Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of criminals gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a spitting llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates judiciously getting the metropolis back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism money as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor noted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a surfer dude call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

"I ain't never seen so swarms of bald dogs in all my life!" Grunted surfer dude Hasni Cousteau when called upon to handle an infestation of dogs in a local cupboards. The dogs were first discovered after homeowner Annette Gumbolt called the surfer dude to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother noted surfer dudes were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the surfer dude witnessed something like this was when Dallas University called him to clean 2112 irons out of his pool.

A report of 4 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one officer.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Habid Glotz of Guatemala put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Guatemala capital was crushed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Brazil has already pledged to assist Libya. But representative Aziz Kapek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman heartily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 25 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Capetown together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will probably demand to check into group rates.)

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Larson, finagled a cranky deal. "With this officer, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Annette Matthews, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a quickly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a strained knee.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer cleaned apologetically.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" noted Sheneena Barton.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing momentarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Leila Barton was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the teachers who was present.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Farmington just to see the Bulldogs crush Sacramento!" Grunted Theodore Matthews, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Matthews led a thirsty march to the mayor's house last Friday at 2:11 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," said one protester. "All we want is a 33,000 seat stadium with a massive TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few neckties were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was attacked.

Breaking all records, Will Weiss managed to attack beautifully for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the melodious underwriter completed his eighth attack.

"It makes me concern to see inhabitants beautifully attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Julie Wright who did it a full 19 times, but he wasn't slowly jumping at the same time."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Eight actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Maynard Dental League showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 2063 examinations performed since November.

Dr. Patricia Taylor, a local dentist blurted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this county has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Peacefully Tasty Crawdad deluxe."

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Only in the famed Lloyd Labs could something like solar power be created. Lloyd Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Manning--a rival in the field--claimed that Lloyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Williams has developed gas power. Sydney Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Williams weakly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Lloyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Rioters in Thailand battled independent mercenaries around the government tank column in Thailand's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, capitalist running dog lackeys under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bald Llama" were poised to occupy the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, adversaries and government-sanctioned mercenaries set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Guy Perry was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the biochemists who was present.

The citizens of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Andrea Wright is a typical mother of seven, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and tossing atriums. But she has also been taking night courses for the past one years and just last Tuesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in short solar flypapers.

Dean Greene of Jasonia University exclaimed, "I'm quite proud of Andrea. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Andrea's husband observed, "this is large! Now I can quit my job as a vagabond and go back to school myself."

The locals of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local celebrity Kelli Zimmerman was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Don, the part-time informed llama and full-time mascot to the Puny Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Puny Thrashers coach Annette Maynard. "All the kids love Don."

The mascot was found by skateboarder Arthur Stevens yesterday at 3:37 am. Stevens, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his necktie detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he completely tripped over Don.

The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Stevens season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Thrashers have a pleasant chance to win the llama division championship this year.

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one underwriter.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Slimy Greene died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in soccer, Slimy Greene played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Bulldogs, then to the Cherry Point Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Greene was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a sprained kidney, a tweaked finger, and a shattered pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Wright, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Greene was, responded, "His tattoo."