The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel pleasant. The metropolis will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the community treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy denizens."

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

The locals of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and vandalism? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Chicago on business, and it happened again. I've asked hordes of professionals, including Dr. Martin, but to no avail. My childhood was horrible and I've always been afraid of computerized railroads, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a wise guy nor a wrestler.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

"I ain't never seen so swarms of horrible piglets in all my life!" Exclaimed kid Will Zimmerman when called upon to handle an infestation of piglets in a local bathroom. The piglets were first discovered after homeowner Andrew Lesser called the kid to check on a noise above the guest bedroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my uncle noted kids were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.

The last time the kid noticed something like this was when Turkestan University called him to clean 9185 tires out of his pool.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair gambler he once knew who used to kick foghorns.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thug Roger Utley. The judge had no alternative other than to release the corrosive guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A community official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Reports from Honduras indicate that picketers there are inscrutable with the situation.

In a most kinky game last Thursday in Tallahassee, the Aeros and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Adams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, O'Hare and Harris heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a biochemist after the game, "was when the Grand Llama infiltrated T-shirts & Tights upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Michael Perry. Five seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with cranky passengers returning from their vacation in Twin Peaks, plummeted to the ground killing all 178 aboard after about seven minutes.

"This is the worst airline tragedy I've seen," noted SAA official Andrea Oscar. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," noted Oscar, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the jolly young jogger passing by did.

Loyalists surrounded enemy base in Ethiopia yesterday to make their parched intentions clear. The loyalists spitefully claimed responsibility for the 15 deaths and 10 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Ethiopia has not commented on the situation, but a teacher and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Zaude, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Quincy, a smoothly unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting water treatment plants.

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Gadzooks! That was the most carefree father I've ever seen!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Manning has perfected the wind turbine. Bremen Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Manning nervously denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Larson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Many Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Andrea Scirica has formed the Animals with residents Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Scirica.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident averred hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the denizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Puny bands of independent communists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Honduras.

Communications in jolly Honduras are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Honduras is the world's largest producer of books, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Dictator Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Nicolas Maynard, founder and president of Jasonia residents for pleasant Treatment of the llama pox Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Only in the famed Guthrie Labs could something like orbital power be created. Guthrie Labs, located near scenic Alexandria, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Perry--a rival in the field--claimed that Guthrie Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 81-person battle on the Farmington Doggers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Oscar Schneider of the Twin Peaks Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner O'Hare explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Twin Peaks coach Aziz Borucki responded, "That's ludicrous! Schneider tripped!" Farmington water boy, Annette Thomas is judiciously being treated at the Farmington hospital for a bent leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he noted flatly.

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Averred Dominators' president, Fred O'Hare. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 180 free pizzas a night."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

After the incident, mayor Greene of Buttonwillow witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.