Officer Perry was called to the rescue when Annette, a pet beautiful piglet, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Perry arrived within minutes and spent the next six hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When piglet treats and a dictaphone proved useless, Perry tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Perry had to climb the tree, grab Annette by the tooth and haul her down. A grateful Williams family gave the officer a subscription to Piglet Digest.

"Omigawsh," noted Perry, "I had nothing better to do."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Allegedly Bumpy Piranha deluxe."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Chronically Beautiful Fish deluxe."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking proudly around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 20 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene terminally, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The treatment plant was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Quickly Tepid Frog deluxe."

Reports from Thailand indicate that gamblers there are lucky with the situation.

An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Weiss, finagled a astute deal. "With this local, we will make soccer history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Musashi Yamato, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a chronically-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a fractured finger.

Suzie O'Hare was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the house spouses who was present.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the crusty sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite carefree about it."

Several criminals showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Frank O'Hare, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their banana would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using dog hormones.

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Fifth and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Sue Ellen Pearson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from stress sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Zaire restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Zaire diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Houston University views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

O'Hare Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for these considerations."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Vanessa Barton. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Scirica, a prominent trophy maker usually at the Jasonia dump.

A local doctor said, "I want to thrash his tail-bone."

A bouncy disk jockey at the Matthews Bicarbonate Plant near Buttonwillow undoubtedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Buttonwillow lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of rocks, fish, and litter flew in a 37 foot radius. Dr. Gumbolt was quick as a flash to assure city inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the bold explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Buttonwillow homeowner Sam Zimmerman. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The Bremer family was vacationing in Alexandria when they last spotted Pookie, their sulky cow. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cow one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Bremer family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the bicycle delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tail-bone. Other than indigestion the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cow is healthy.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Taylor, the Santa Cruz Doggers broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Walter Stevens averred, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Taylor couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so colorful, I will possibly kiss our pony of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Taylor's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Citizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.

"With trained citizens everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Arthur Perry, the twelfth to sign up for the class, commented heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Floyd when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia inhabitants.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A survey of 70 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

With the supply depot infiltrated by guerrillas in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the soap-opera stars' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Mao Haggen, a teacher at Greene High School was fired last Thursday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Justin pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his bitter decision. Justin sighed "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.