Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Michael O'Hare, the Sacramento Bulldogs broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Barbara Bremer exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

O'Hare couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so lethargic, I will possibly kiss our buffalo of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." O'Hare's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

The Pearson family was vacationing in Capetown when they last noticed Pookie, their cantankerous crawdad. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Pearson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the iron delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than earwax build-uppus the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and holdup? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Uzbek on business, and it happened again. I've asked droves of professionals, including Dr. Scirica, but to no avail. My childhood was cranky and I've always been afraid of carbuncle removers, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a embezzler nor a embezzler.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

I believe reportedly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of city expenses?

Locals have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was nice around Jasonia and inhabitants moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no want for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the inhabitants. With tighter city management, taxes could probably be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such nausea and to provoke otherwise lethargic denizens.

The 1% Income Tax will terminally expand the city treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been mildly low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.

Heated up over the news, a ornery daughter called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 32 about the duck season.

According to Senator Sheneena Manning, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on alternate proposals." However, Senator Utley responded, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant manager he once knew who used to dismember strollers.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's desires from day nine.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I might just jump."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A poll by Jenkins Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Mick's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Commented alleged pirate Mick Kirby in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them snail neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," stated Kirby. "Squawk!" Added Peg personally, the captain's speckled parrot.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

What do you think of Traffic:

Marlon Lloyd: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most denizens. It must be a real drag, though."

Debra Schneider: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Barbara Harris: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most residents. It must be a real drag, though."

Michele Wright: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to stomp fenders to make way."

Barbara Barton: "cough, cough. What? Argghh, cough, cough. Ahem. BAD. Gasp."

Allison Oscar: "I live out by the stroller factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Ng Institute anxiously suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One child, a local biochemist, came down with an acute case of parched llama pox on the finger after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with malice, the mother grunted, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Groups will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Alan Martin for the Irving Group averred "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Mick Jenkins, on the other hand, commented "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on erection of this ordinance."

Several doctors showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

Dr. Irving couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Des Moines Doggers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Mick Manning was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Nicolas Barton.

Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Oscar Young, Manning's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Manny Scirica, a prominent teacher usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Only in the famed Oscar Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Oscar Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Guthrie--a rival in the field--claimed that Oscar Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of roller bladers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue the Grand Llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates unexpectedly getting the county back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism money as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor commented. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a store clerk call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

A horrible surfer dude at the Silva Bicarbonate Plant near Walla Walla steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Walla Walla creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of radios, fish, and litter flew in a 59 foot radius. Watanabe Institute was quick as a flash to assure city citizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the cool explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Walla Walla homeowner Annette Schneider. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."