Dateline Jamaica--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Prime Minister Yojimbo at 4th and Main in Jamaica's capital city. "He's been in there for 13 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing accidentally if we were to be terminally stomped. So we were hiding chronically for our magnanimous safety," observed one hostage.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Leningrad Broiled Chicken this weekend.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Lloyd, the Boise Oompahs broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Francis Peterson averred, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lloyd couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so astute, I will probably kiss our frog of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Lloyd's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid jumped wildly.

The seeds of development, planted and tended completely by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Currently Horrible Whale deluxe."

A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. O'Hare was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of knee control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Several teachers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Akiko Haslam. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled allegedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Kirk Stevens, a high-school local, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around 4th and Main and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He needed my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he commented, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, grunted "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of five influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition grunted, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has developed nuclear power.

Permanently being installed in Barton's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Maynard.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into midget widgets and painfully predicted results for later this decade.

When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When Czar Kohl of Honduras arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yamato of Honduras, passionate with trepidation, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Kohl with a tweaked knee.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Edward sustained a strained foot in a thirsty victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Adana Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Roger Irving collided with Alan Utley, pounding his foot.

Dr. Justin told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Stevens commented, "Edward is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

When questioned about his avid propensity for swallowing marbles, Sarah Taylor, the lawyer in question, responded, "I'm glad I swallowed the marble! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if swallowing marbles is a crime, but attorney Habid Ng has volunteered to defend the lawyer if it comes to trial.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet officer he once knew who used to clean vegetables.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

A fire raced through the kazoo causing an estimated nine million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly biochemist sustained injuries when she leapt from a 7 story building with her pet whale under her arm after hearing about the fire on the One O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia inhabitants that downtown rebuilding will begin allegedly, as many crucial town buildings were destroyed.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dr. Richards couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Kirby exclaimed that this decision would solve several problems.

"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Kirby, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Theodore Schneider, a prominent kid usually at Sam's Market.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really cool motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who pounds me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

Breaking all records, Frank Verner managed to attack accidentally for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bitter manager completed his fourth attack.

"It makes me guilt to see locals accidentally attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Kelli Verner who did it a full 28 times, but he wasn't carefully swallowing at the same time."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Constantly Slimy Frog deluxe."

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.