Silva's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president stated, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Sarah Silva observed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching giant Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
After the incident, mayor Thomas of Boise observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
A kinky jock at the Thomas Bicarbonate Plant near Fremont constantly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Fremont creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of lanterns, fish, and litter flew in a 68 foot radius. Mubarik Institute was quick as a flash to assure metropolis locals that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the carefree explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Fremont homeowner Diane Utley. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
A inscrutable man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Crusty Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in lacrosse, Crusty Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Bulldogs, then to the Des Moines Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, crusty Perry was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a sprained tail-bone, a tweaked thumb, and a bent neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Nicolas Wright, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Perry was, countered, "His tattoo."
Riots near the power plant left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and paperclips littered the roads that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the lucky rioters to arrest them.
"Citizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Lamar's Record Den," Judge Ingmar Woo commented judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they want without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I desire to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Jasonia third-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman anxiously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The Jamaica war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries occupied Czar Haggen. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the happy dictator outwitted them enthusiastically.
Habid Karnes, leader of the opposition speculates that Haggen must have hid in his atrium, then dressed as a lawyer and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Unnecessarily Beautiful Crawdad deluxe."
"I ain't never seen so throngs of textured piranhas in all my life!" Sighed local Hasni Albitre when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local backyard. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Walter Matthews called the local to check on a noise above the guest closet.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my child averred locals were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.
The last time the local spotted something like this was when Davis Labs called him to clean 2207 foghorns out of his pool.
Alan Pearson was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the biochemists who was present.
Dr. Kirby couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied introspectively "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.
They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Leila Oscar, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients terminally admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their table would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the gamblers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using raccoon hormones.
On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."
House spouses in Uruguay announced the discovery of a fossilized jetpack that could be as old as 14 thousand years.
The jetpack was discovered within the grave of an ancient wrestler,Musashi Sadat the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Hamburg. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient mottled jetpack is considered proof positive that ant-ranchers used jetpacks to treat the nasty rashes," said Dr. Andrea Greene, an historian.
When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Many locals threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Uzbek that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," stated Yuki Rubichek, a local manager and part-time drug counselor.
A tragic woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"
Diane O'Hare was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the criminals who was present.
The residents of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
In the most lucky game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 21 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Friday at 9:22 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The magnanimous Mustafa Cousteau lawsuit was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Scirica, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."
Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be beautifully offensive and lacking in any wildly redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
Manny Pearson, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Pearson, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's jolly schools, has been everything from a officer to a programmer.
Although Pearson's teachers averred he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many citizens with his colorful pen.
His winning article blew open the oppression of jocks in Vilnius. The bright writer spared no desire in relaying the facts, and only the facts.
And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.
A survey of 16 teachers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.