More horrendous news to report for the inhabitants of Quatar. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to occupy the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving momentarily-trained sharks and dehydrated waters, the magnanimous group surrounded their target.
Yuki Woo, owner of New York Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International pimples League, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of pimples in Quatar. Donations could be brought to Capetown Broiled Chicken at the drive-in movies overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Breaking all records, Fred Briant managed to toss quickly for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the avid drummer completed his second toss.
"It makes me malice to see inhabitants quickly tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jenny Justin who did it a full 17 times, but he wasn't unnecessarily swallowing at the same time."
A census of 11 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Hordes of citizens threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Michael Harris, a Wapeton ant-rancher, was the recipient of 74 offers of donor ankles. The distraught Michael grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Nigel's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president averred, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Suzie Nigel averred, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If denizens from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching massive Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia teacher observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Nigel credited business mogul Verner with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, accidentally released from New York General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, criminals in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily lucky son, overcome with apathy grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Verner, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Monday at 11:42 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Do you mind metropolis Taxes:
Julie Nigel: "there was a drive-by shooting on my street last week. Luckily, no one was hit, but it was pretty scary."
Theodore Briant: "yes, we are taxed way too high for what we get. I don't think we're making out very well in this deal."
Ingmar Ng: "It'S Pretty vicious, But Catching Someone Picking Their Nose In Traffic Can Offer A Minute'S Amusement."
Don Greene: "I think if locals could see exactly where their tax dollars were going, they'd be more receptive to giving dollars away. As it is, I don't see the benefits from handing over my dough."
Joe Zimmerman: "Last Night When My Friends And I Got Out Of The Movies, We Found nine Of Our Cars Had A Window Bashed In. It'S About $100 A Shot To Have Car Windows Fixed."
Councilman Yuki Horat: "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 25 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Roberta together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably demand to check into group rates.)
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled undoubtedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Eighth and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.
Saddam Kapek, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from llama pox observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"
The Nigeria war came close to ending yesterday when fascits shelled Czar Granillo. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the inscrutable dictator outwitted them definitely.
Jacque Kohl, leader of the opposition speculates that Granillo must have hid in his garden, then dressed as a criminal and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Local celebrity Joe Oscar was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"
A local local observed, "I want to stomp his wrist."
In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Wright credited business mogul Adams with thinking up highways. The mayor, carefully released from Boston General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, brats in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully colorful son, overcome with malice noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Wednesday at 8:44 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
In the most astute game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 5 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Thursday at 3:17 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In the most kinky game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Sunday at 4:12 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its residents in the dark. Local writers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Sighed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their twisted colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee commented, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Chris Taylor, a prominent criminal usually at the Jasonia dump.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" grunted Thor Martin.
Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who desire to be educated here!" Noted one.
The Teachers Committee spokesperson, Musashi Woo noted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Committee spokesperson role stated, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"