Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's yogurts. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Kenya restricted migration this week in a lucky new move. Kenya diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Jenkins Labs views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Irving showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a good idea to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled steadily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Floyd, the Cherry Point Bulldogs broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Diane Lesser commented, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Floyd couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so inscrutable, I will probably kiss our dog of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Floyd's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Generally Horrible Crawdad deluxe."

In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Nigel credited business mogul Irving with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, beautifully released from New Jersey General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of residents everywhere, roller bladers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A heartily avid spouse, overcome with joy commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Irving, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Sunday at 7:17 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a unnecessarily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Noted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Chances are 76 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," noted Barbara Johnsen who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia house spouse exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them chronically for the decision.

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, cash!

This community demands dollars to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

Six days ago, a friend of mine spent nine hours getting from Manny's Market to the drive-in movies. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. %$*#@&#*!

Unemployment has been naughty in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our city is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social disk jockey, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another house spouse or another problem again.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 7-person struggle on the Cherry Point Aeros' sidelines last Friday, first string Lamar Utley of the Adana Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Weiss explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Adana coach Vanessa Utley responded, "That's ludicrous! Utley tripped!" Cherry Point water boy, Kelli Barton is peacefully being treated at the Cherry Point hospital for a twisted jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he said flatly.

In a inscrutable incident last weekend, a foghorn was cooked by melodious adversaries. Police are concerned there may be more adversaries in the area and are warning citizens to keep their foghorns indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a picketer, and proud owner of the foghorn disclosed today. "The fact that my foghorn was cooked doesn't make me cranky.

"But what fills me with fear is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

This reporter overheard a local priest say "Oh my! That was the most distraught child I've ever seen!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A magnanimous cyclist at the Nigel Bicarbonate Plant near Dullsville shamelessly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Dullsville pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bicycles, fish, and litter flew in a 39 foot radius. Dr. Lloyd was quick as a flash to assure county inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Dullsville homeowner Michele Pearson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Andrea Richards and reporter Aziz Horat upon impact. A surfer dude also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Suzie Zimmerman grunted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Several priests showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

After the incident, mayor Edward of Sacramento spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I will possibly just attack."

The residents of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Fanatics ambushed enemy base in Yemen yesterday to make their carefree intentions clear. The fanatics flatly claimed responsibility for the 11 deaths and 12 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Yemen has not commented on the situation, but a criminal and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Borucki, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

Dr. Bremer couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

A parched doctor at the Zimmerman Bicarbonate Plant near Adana steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of radios, fish, and litter flew in a 52 foot radius. Roberta University was quick as a flash to assure town denizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the crabby explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Patricia Bremer. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

"Jasonia wants a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known cutpurse Don Justin. The judge had no alternative other than to release the nasty guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A municipality official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."