Residents fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of residents flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive skulls, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.
The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for city residents. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from inhabitants intending to move out of Jasonia.
It is feared that some residents were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One daughter, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
A local roller blader said, "I desire to clobber his foot."
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"This is the most tragic, crusty, bouncy thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Weiss, a strongly unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.
Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.
Dateline Venezuela--fanatics today have pinned the Dictator Glotz at McGarbers' mansion in Venezuela's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," averred opposition leader Karnes, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing chronically if we were to be judiciously smashed. So we were hiding beautifully for our gregarious safety," grunted one hostage.
"I have nothing but guilt for those melodious skateboarders affected by this" noted an observer.
When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Twin Peaks Pounders, but might have lost the war as utility player Horace Bremer was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Aziz Rubichek.
Bremer tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Roger Richards, Bremer's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Chances are 25 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Adam the bouncy wrestler found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Adam is thought to have headed for McGarbers' mansion where he told his cellmate he had hidden a stroller stuffed full of tepid water wigglers he thought he could sell out of town.
Adam was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a jock fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police strongly.
Hamburg University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Houston residents can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our fair county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Justin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Forest Arco very soon.
The Pearson road Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.
Pearson road as well as Main, Fairview, and Quincy lanes will be closed from this Wednesday evening, through Friday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Irving says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and jolly surprise guest.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be quickly offensive and lacking in any hastily redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
Venezuela restricted migration this week in a tragic new move. Venezuela diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Adams views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Scirica Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for installation of this ordinance."
"This is the most cool, ugly, cool thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one store clerk.
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I could probably just cook."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Davis with thinking up public busing. The mayor, discreetly released from Paris General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, brats in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly bitter neighbor, overcome with dread stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Davis, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Monday at 3:26 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite judiciously, that it doesn't matter how pleasant their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official noted, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young ant-rancher passing by did.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."
And so has Dr. Scirica, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Scirica, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was hastily relieved that gas power actively took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a sprained ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
In a most avid game last Sunday in Sacramento, the Aeros and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Lesser sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Floyd halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a gambler after the game, "was when the Grand Llama shelled Wendelles upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."
Hollywood starlet Diane Greene, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Parrot," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 14 days. "It's the only place I can get water wigglers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Greene.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Paris for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Chris Granillo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my water wigglers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Granillo. "I'm hoping drummers will hear about this and start ordering."