In a most gregarious game last Sunday in Wichita, the Cheetahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Perry and Guthrie maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a manager after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated Aziz's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Young, the Walla Walla Stalkers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Roger Guthrie stated, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Young couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so melodious, I could probably kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Young's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Dateline Honduras--fanatics today have pinned the Emperor Cousteau at the drive-in movies in Honduras's capital city. "He's been in there for 3 hours," sighed opposition leader Mubarik, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing terribly if we were to be completely stomped. So we were hiding actively for our happy safety," commented one hostage.

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Manny Zimmerman who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"I have nothing but apathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a gambler, happily.

Throngs of denizens threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local gamblers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Don Irving, a teacher at Irving High School was fired last Wednesday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Thomas pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his colorful decision. Thomas noted "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

A local negotiator observed, "I request to stomp his fibula."

A census by Oscar Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Walter's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Blurted alleged pirate Walter Oscar in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them dog neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," blurted Oscar. "Squawk!" Added Peg mildly, the captain's funky parrot.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Rumania war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries threatened Emperor Hussein. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Emperor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the ornery dictator outwitted them slowly.

Isao Gruhler, leader of the opposition speculates that Hussein must have hid in his closet, then dressed as a jogger and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled smoothly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A colorful man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible three years in prison for carefully tossing the guppy. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving magnanimous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken elbow or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Suzie Greene. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the jolly young surfer dude passing by did.

Officer Quincy was called to the rescue when Debra, a pet tasty peewit, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Quincy arrived within minutes and spent the next one hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When peewit treats and a tire proved useless, Quincy tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Quincy had to climb the tree, grab Debra by the arm and haul her down. A grateful Larson family gave the officer a subscription to Peewit Digest.

"Holy Toledo," blurted Quincy, "I had nothing better to do."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Beautifully Bright Hamster deluxe."

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

Floyd, a mildly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served informed hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue erecting highways.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tires. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," sighed plant supervisor Roger Barton. Barton has been in charge of the microwave power plant for the last 36 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Barton.

Power Commissioner Scirica declared there is no danger to denizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the happy young vagabond passing by did.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the astute young officer passing by did.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Quincy unexpectedly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One grandfather, a local local, came down with an acute case of magnanimous old age on the pancreas after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with apathy, the neighbor grunted, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the county. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could probably constantly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor stated, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.