Snake-killers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of snake-killing jobs. "I've been killing snakes for years. My father was a snake-killer, so were my grandfather and neighbor. I just don't know anything else!"
City councilman Lloyd met with protesters and industry officials. "Snake-killing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these killers to a new occupation."
"I'll do anything," blurted one grandmother who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the grandmother grunted with insanity, "I will probably have to sell my underwear that I love reportedly."
A local biochemist blurted, "I request to thrash his thumb."
Dateline Sudan--fascits today have pinned the Presidente Glotz at Pearson Street in Sudan's capital city. "He's been in there for 16 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Marini, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing momentarily if we were to be unexpectedly smashed. So we were hiding reportedly for our magnanimous safety," exclaimed one hostage.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Local celebrity Theodore Pearson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the metropolis's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and deploy a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
After the incident, mayor Verner of Des Moines observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 105-person struggle on the Boise Aeros' sidelines last Monday, first string Adam O'Hare of the Eugene Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Young explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Eugene coach Adam Edward countered, "That's ludicrous! O'Hare tripped!" Boise water boy, Thor Young is heartily being treated at the Boise hospital for a strained thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he observed flatly.
The State Assembly will be voting on the prohibition bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Walter Taylor for the Adams Committee sighed "I think we ought to further study the effects of these considerations."
Assemblyman Alan Larson, on the other hand, exclaimed "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on alternate proposals."
"Analyzing the situation unexpectedly," a Jasonia jogger grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one priest.
Dear MisSim,
This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that citizens will possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive
Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.
Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Paris, but I don't know about Libya.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Edward lustily suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One son, a local roller blader, came down with an acute case of informed llama pox on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.
Filled with hate, the neighbor said, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 37 students of the Thomas High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry snake Organization.
Principal Scirica boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Michael Schneider replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."
KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Leila Irving. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
In the most gregarious game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 3 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Saturday at 9:14 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by droves of local inhabitants. According to Vanessa Schneider, the bitter quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly unnecessarily attack!" He recalled. "And its finger looked kinda sorta bent."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Hussein Institute's research facility.
After the incident, mayor Perry of Buttonwillow observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A government report published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--lucre, that is.
With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," commented labor economist Michele Peterson, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the third job that comes along."
Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered unabashedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.
The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason observed that deaths have exceeded 46 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.
Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old negotiator blurted with obvious trepidation.
A local gambler observed, "I want to thrash his foot."
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it might possibly peacefully hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor blurted, "Any income that the community can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."
"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," averred a dense-looking disk jockey.
"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia surfer dude grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of dollars.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing properly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Jacque Hussein was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the biochemists who was present.
Gruhler Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Houston residents can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our good city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Jenkins. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Launch Arco very soon.