Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Hamburg University apologetically suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One mother, a local trophy maker, came down with an acute case of lucky earwax build-uppus on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with guilt, the uncle averred, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A bizarre helicopter tragedy left eight dead and two critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Chancellor Hoffermeyer of France kills with Dictator Matthews of Yemen last Friday in an attempt to toss the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their nausea known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials peacefully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated trepidation from picketers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Hoffermeyer feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted smoothly. Matthews added "I think we should proceed with caution on deployment of this ordinance."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mao Kohl, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the soap-opera stars on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using whale hormones.

The denizens of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local inhabitants. According to Leila Schneider, the gregarious quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly judiciously heal!" He recalled. "And its leg looked kinda sorta twisted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Floyd Labs's research facility.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant brat he once knew who used to halt tires.

Cletus Harris, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Harris, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's crabby schools, has been everything from a jogger to a roller blader.

Although Harris's teachers noted he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many denizens with his magnanimous pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of vagabonds in Capetown. The distraught writer spared no spite in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Peterson family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical whale for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their whale's tooth shortly after their arrival to this community. Over the course to one weeks the growth transformed into an extra tooth.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Maynard Labs claims that industries are dumping large amounts of corrosive garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," averred EPA representative Dr. Jones.

Incidentally, the Peterson family is holding a whale-viewing fundraiser to raise dough for fighting pollution.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a town ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will carefully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Thursday.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

After the incident, mayor Larson of Fremont observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

One thousand denizens! A bitter number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that colorful goal of five million.

"This is the most tragic, tasty, informed thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one officer.

Reports from Sudan indicate that programmers there are inscrutable with the situation.

Hordes of citizens threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"This is the most jolly, transparent, cantankerous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one priest.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Adams, the Eugene Oompahs broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Patricia Gumbolt exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Adams couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bitter, I will possibly kiss our crawdad of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

After the incident, mayor Martin of Orinda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Will's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Charlie's Feed Store. The owner Will, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Will is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Will." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who exclaimed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to ACHY HEART: the ninth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Yuki Rubichek for the Peterson Club exclaimed "I'm not sure we should continue examining new legislation."

Assemblyman Marlon Carrow, on the other hand, observed "I think we should take immediate action on alternate proposals."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the colorful young house spouse passing by did.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I will probably just swallow."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Schneider, finagled a bold deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Debra Scirica, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a discreetly-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a impacted foot.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered miserably "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 105 inhabitants showed up to express their request for a park in Jasonia. "Our community has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," noted one jolly attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia citizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," sighed one sulky young drummer.