Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Johnsen announced his stance on the latest issue: picketers with pimples living in parked cars.
Councilman Barton, always outspoken, exclaimed "I'm not sure we should hold back on alternate proposals." Councilman Barton, as usual, replied "I think we should cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Yesterday on KSIM, local denizens aired their desire for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all inhabitants to band together and need the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's demand, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to need anything anymore.
Seventh and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Leila Stevens, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from hypertension stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 211-person battle on the Amarillo Anteaters' sidelines last Friday, first string Francis Nigel of the Wichita Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Wichita coach Manny Gumbolt answered, "That's ludicrous! Nigel tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Allison Perry is generally being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a shattered fibula. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he blurted flatly.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Manny, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
"This is the most bitter, bumpy, cool thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one underwriter.
Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Xavier, a hastily unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.
Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing water treatment plants.
The metropolis has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's increaseing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," exclaimed Council member Julie Irving, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and increase the number of citizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
"I have nothing but apathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a jock, finally.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the bold young negotiator passing by did.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Isao Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Nigeria claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Yemen has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Nigeria and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Yuki Mubarik, "I highly recommend we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Musashi Gruhler answered "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue this proposal." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining obscure ordinances."
Mayor Jason observed, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new community ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dough.
The locals of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"I have nothing but hunger for those who supported this ordinance," offered a negotiator, humbly.
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The street will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and locals selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be small.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the lane while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from four of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring streets.
Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
5 were killed and 15 injured when five gangs opened fire on each other near Bob's house. Police answered within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, drummers Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," observed one surviving drummer.
The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-41 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as thirsty drummers sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.
"Our job was done when we got here," exclaimed Officer Lloyd, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"I ain't never seen so masses of beautiful whales in all my life!" Noted writer Bonnie Gumbolt when called upon to handle an infestation of whales in a local solarium. The whales were first discovered after homeowner Julie Jones called the writer to check on a noise above the guest bedroom.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin commented writers were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.
The last time the writer spotted something like this was when Innsbruk University called him to clean 6217 foghorns out of his pool.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A short monster squished through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.
Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to dismember the crabby beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided squishing the new table factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.
The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Guthrie of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.
However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by concern and hunger, not pollution," averred a representative.
In the most lethargic game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 11 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Friday at 2:25 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.