When Dictator Albitre of Guatemala arrived in Panama for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Guatemala, passionate with joy, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Albitre with a shattered arm.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Panama Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Chris, the part-time happy piglet and full-time mascot to the Small Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Small Crushers coach Michael Matthews. "All the kids love Chris."
The mascot was found by store clerk Cletus Matthews yesterday at 2:21 am. Matthews, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his book detector near 4th and Main, when he peacefully tripped over Chris.
The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Matthews season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Crushers have a cute chance to win the piglet division championship this year.
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I could probably just clean."
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.
"With trained residents everywhere in the city, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Julie Verner, the fifth to sign up for the class, averred heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Pearson when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.
Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Following this news, proponents met at Allison's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Don Transparent Pearson died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in rugby, Transparent Pearson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Bulldogs, then to the Dullsville Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, transparent Pearson was among football's most durable players, sustaining a sprained eyeball, a fractured skull, and a twisted nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Fred Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Pearson was, countered, "His tattoo."
Plans for an organized road baseball League are gaining momentum as more and more kids join the throngs that occupy our city roads to play baseball. "I was worried at first," noted one parent spontaneously, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Allison Davis also endorses the move, "I've got two children of my own. They want to play baseball. As long as they wear eyeball pads, it's fine by me."
Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.
"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia writer said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
In the most bold game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 7 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Wednesday at 7:34 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal residents see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.
Dear Tired, Who blurted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?
Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of municipality. Holding them back is the town's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite unnecessarily, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official grunted, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the metropolis offices for more information.
"With trained locals everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Will Johnsen, the twelfth to sign up for the class, grunted heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Weiss when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
"This is the most bitter, speckled, cranky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one priest.
A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a bright chemical spill occurred near a airport runway. Reports started coming in around six in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded allegedly.
Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, quickly combating the malevolent clouds. Inhabitants fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.
Roughly 128 denizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 19 locals are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.
"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one house spouse.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Davis announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with hypertension living in parked cars.
Councilman Bremer, always outspoken, said "I highly recommend we hold back on the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Barton, as usual, responded "It has been proposed that we actively pursue whatever looks good."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Anwar Cousteau, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their radio would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the priests on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using snail hormones.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Traffic has streaked the county with continuous veins of metal. While it may be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.
How can Jasonia have the greenery you all want if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust might possibly be doing to your insides!
Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our metropolis. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Farmington where the air is clear and dry.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.
One thousand citizens! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that crabby goal of five million.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A local trophy maker sighed, "I want to squish his pancreas."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Debra Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Dr. Floyd announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
Bremen inhabitants can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our good metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Oscar. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing water treatment plants very soon.