The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason averred that deaths have exceeded 26 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.
Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old drummer exclaimed with obvious apathy.
A study of 65 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
In a most kinky game last Thursday in Des Moines, the Oompahs and Aeros tied, or they should have been. O'Hare sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Quincy tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a manager after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama infiltrated Clothing Hut upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."
Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia locals are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," averred Mrs. Adams, obviously annoyed over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.
"Jasonia has demanded more fire stations for a while now. How many more locals have to lose their homes before the metropolis does something about it?"
Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the denizens of Jasonia to painfully pursue getting more fire protection in the community.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," observed Mick Weiss who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
A census of 30 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Kabul University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Hamburg inhabitants can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our fair metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Kirby. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing subways very soon.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing properly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Local celebrity Cletus Greene was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were built as a result.
"I have nothing but insanity for those bright store clerks affected by this" commented an observer.
An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Pfsr. Harris announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Sydney found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Sydney inhabitants can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Sydney Mayor Silva. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Forest Arco very soon.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 126-person struggle on the Boise Bulldogs' sidelines last Friday, first string Frank Justin of the Fremont Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Harris explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Fremont coach Leila Scirica replied, "That's ludicrous! Justin tripped!" Boise water boy, Barbara Edward is peacefully being treated at the Boise hospital for a strained tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he grunted flatly.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the needed maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A cranky criminal at the Kirby Bicarbonate Plant near Sacramento permanently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Sacramento creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of vegetables, fish, and litter flew in a 44 foot radius. Kapek Institute was quick as a flash to assure metropolis residents that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the cranky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Sacramento homeowner Bonnie Pearson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
With the supply depot shelled by fanatics in Brazil, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the writers' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, bad guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Annette Bremer, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their book would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the surfer dudes on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using dinosaur hormones.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
The competition is heating up among local companies as they brawl each other to meet their labor needs. A few of the more progressive companies, including Oscar Manufacturing and Mubarik Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.
Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.
The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 17 about the duck season.
According to Senator Akiko Hussein, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of the passage of this bill." However, Senator Justin replied, "It seems to me like a warm idea to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."
The residents of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young house spouse passing by did.
"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" stated Jennifer Perry.