The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Des Moines Thrashers, but could have lost the war as utility player Sam Stevens was out after injuring his fibula. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Alan Larson.

Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 58 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Theodore Maynard, Stevens's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were developed as a result.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Davis pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my uncle and I used to pretend we were fishs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my back falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Quincy, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hunger is understandable," the town planner said, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Citizens living near Shark Street turned out in hordes to protest the bright smoke being produced by the O'Hare kazoo factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Maim", the kinky citizens blocked driveways for two hours.

"We're not going anywhere," blurted CEO O'Hare, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," observed Walter Perry, Prime Minister of the citizens, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Lesser, the Farmington Doggers broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Will Guthrie averred, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lesser couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so carefree, I will possibly kiss our llama of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Lesser's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A cantankerous store clerk at the Briant Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington peacefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of go-carts, fish, and litter flew in a 25 foot radius. Cousteau Institute was quick as a flash to assure metropolis denizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the colorful explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Alan O'Hare. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Talks between Ethiopia and Libya took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Ethiopia the west-most tip of Libya.

Spokesperson Jennifer Carrow says "It seems to me like a warm idea to take immediate action on this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Rumania with allegedly stalling negotiations. Libya representatives deny everything horrendous commented about them.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"Analyzing the situation happily," a Jasonia teacher exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The metropolis has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the city a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," noted Council member Akiko Zaude, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless inhabitants and expand the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

"I have nothing but desire for those who supported this ordinance," offered a roller blader, freely.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A report of 53 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Nigeria stated yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys destroyed the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Grand Poobah Albitre, thirsty with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Roger agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the greasy Grand Poobah himself.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's requests from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Local celebrity Jacque Yamato was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Darco. The bad cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Mario Oscar, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the county doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist cleaned personally.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible five years in prison for permanently healing the pony. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving colorful warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured thumb or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager maimed hastily.

Local celebrity Annette Larson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Local biochemist Thor Richards won the admiration of Sheneena Zaude who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Zaude. "Thor was a godsend."

Zaude was visiting Jasonia's world famous Pearson's Hamster Ranch close to Pounders Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Zaude recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Thor interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Zaude has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and breaking-in? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Chicago on business, and it happened again. I've asked swarms of professionals, including Dr. Peterson, but to no avail. My childhood was crabby and I've always been afraid of llama clamps, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a kidnapper nor a thug.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

And so has Dr. Briant, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Briant, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that the wind turbine properly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a crushed ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the installation of a marina. As it is now, when locals request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Walla Walla, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Manny Stevens, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I may just paint."