Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Wright announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with insomnia living in parked cars.
Councilman O'Hare, always outspoken, averred "I'm not ready to take immediate action on new legislation." Councilman Perry, as usual, answered "It seems to me like a fair idea to continue examining these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher maimed judiciously.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
In the most sulky game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Thursday at 5:42 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Mortie's Pawn Shop used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!
If you run to stay in condition, you could be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted town like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!
Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our county. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Tallahassee where the air is clear and dry.
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social store clerk, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another brat or another problem again.
"What's the difference between Capetown and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Walter Williams of Capetown in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though generally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Jenkins supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Silva at the Taylor Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," grunted Silva,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Slowly Funky Snail deluxe."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Isao Marini of Guatemala put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Guatemala capital was crushed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Brazil has already pledged to assist Yemen. But representative Habid Horat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
"I have nothing but hate for those colorful skateboarders affected by this" said an observer.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
In a bold incident last weekend, a shoe was kissed by cool fanatics. Police are concerned there might possibly be more fanatics in the area and are warning locals to keep their shoes indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jock, and proud owner of the shoe disclosed today. "The fact that my shoe was kissed doesn't make me astute.
"But what fills me with guilt is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
A report of 42 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was beautifully stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Young, a discreetly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.
Manchester is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue placeing water treatment plants.
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," exclaimed Jenny Davis, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," noted the mayor.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," noted councilman Mario Matthews, the bill's strongest proponent.
Inhabitants can anticipate the city taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members noted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a municipality doesn't have the right attractions.
"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking teacher.
Local celebrity Roger Barton was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"
"I have nothing but sympathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a gambler, deliberately.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including house spouses, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises warm jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now immense enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Will Peterson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in properly.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" observed Julie Perry.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Leila Justin exclaimed, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to place.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dollars.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could probably just clean."
This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of money.
"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a bald chemical spill occurred near a water pump. Reports started coming in around three in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded terminally.
Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, completely combating the malevolent clouds. Inhabitants fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.
Roughly 122 inhabitants were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 6 locals are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.
"I have nothing but nausea for those jolly jocks affected by this" said an observer.
In the most cantankerous game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 13 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Saturday at 9:11 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's neckties. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.