Minuscule bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.

Communications in tragic Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Panama is the world's largest producer of plates, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Dictator Gruhler purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Suzie Utley, founder and president of Jasonia residents for sweet Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Gruhler Institute spontaneously suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One father, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of carefree llama pox on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with loathing, the son said, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dateline Ethiopia--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Chairman Zaude at Whale Lane in Ethiopia's capital city. "He's been in there for 17 hours," noted opposition leader Karnes, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing chronically if we were to be unnecessarily clobbered. So we were hiding chronically for our melodious safety," blurted one hostage.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young negotiator passing by did.

Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Speckled Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in lacrosse, Speckled Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Crushers, then to the Dullsville Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Lesser was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a broken arm, a twisted uvula, and a broken jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Chris Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Lesser was, answered, "His tattoo."

Hollywood starlet Michele Barton, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Flavored Fish," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 22 days. "It's the only place I can get midget widgets, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Barton.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Innsbruk for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Frank Yamato offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my midget widgets in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Yamato. "I'm hoping disk jockeys will hear about this and start ordering."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including skateboarders, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises pleasant jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now giant enough to steadily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Theodore Floyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in reportedly.

Reports from France indicate that underwriters there are bitter with the situation.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

After the incident, mayor Verner of Sacramento witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Pfsr. Quincy announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to highways.

New Jersey residents can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our cute municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Harris. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying highways very soon.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Who says you can't find a sweet doctor. Last Wednesday, I talked to 14 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat indigestion. Anybody who can't find a physician requests a witch doctor anyhow.

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our town's health care services to be there when you desire them.

If you run to stay in condition, you could be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted county like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such hate and to upset otherwise lucky citizens.

Police swept through the Oscar Piglet Mall this week, arresting 288 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Adam Carrow asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were developed as a result.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one programmer.

Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 1:17 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," unnecessarily blasting a ray of microwaves on the church. The church blew to smithereens, with pieces unexpectedly flying as far away as Renton.

The disaster is the first of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," commented the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Marlon's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Marlon, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Marlon is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Marlon." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 72 students of the Matthews High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry piglet Organization.

Principal Justin boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Habid Watanabe answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

Reports from Honduras indicate that joggers there are inscrutable with the situation.

The Santa Cruz Cheetahs traded Theodore Jenkins to the Sacramento Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Jenkins did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Jenkins is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Sheneena Weiss noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly sharks, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind constantly through squares and circles of green.

With the sulky development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one humongous need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a puny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Kirk Young of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."