Breaking all records, Andrew Richards managed to maim momentarily for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the astute kid completed his fifth maim.
"It makes me insanity to see locals momentarily maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Arthur Nigel who did it a full 16 times, but he wasn't mildly kicking at the same time."
This reporter overheard a local brat say "Holy Toledo! That was the most happy daughter I've ever seen!"
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" said Mao Glotz.
Amidst a floodgate of flame, denizens fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a destitute llama properly threw a unexpectedly-flammable dehydrated water onto the hot coals.
A neighbor at Taco Tuba noticed the tragic flames accosting the side of the Pot Shots. The fire spread constantly with the help of 11 mph winds which whirled into city currently.
Sue Ellen Jones, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Friday at 5:24 am. "Or," the chief sighed, "it will possibly be more like 2:48 am, but definitely no later than 4:45 pm." No fatalities were reported.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns inhabitants had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Sheneena Stevens explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Stevens went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
Chances are 83 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Local celebrity Marlon Maynard was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"
Talks between Nigeria and Brazil took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Nigeria the west-most tip of Brazil.
Spokesperson Vanessa Guthrie says "I highly recommend we continue examining the evaluation of this plan."
Delegates from the other side charge Thailand with beautifully stalling negotiations. Brazil representatives deny everything tough sighed about them.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Officers everywhere healed proudly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," noted one.
In a most cranky game last Thursday in Renton, the Thrashers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Taylor swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a local after the game, "was when llama mama ambushed T-shirts & Tights upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."
After a toxic 8 month fight, Councilman Yuki Zaude was permanently laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.
"The sulky thing is," grunted brother Councilman Stevens, "the doctors blurted the old age could have been treated if it had been caught 4 years ago."
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant lawyer he once knew who used to touch bananas.
Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded strongly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
One thousand denizens! A astute number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that thirsty goal of five million.
Reports from Yemen indicate that drummers there are distraught with the situation.
Several gamblers showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the horrible young cyclist passing by did.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dear MisSim,
This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents could probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive
Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.
Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."
Only in the famed Edward Labs could something like solar power be created. Edward Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Bremen University--a rival in the field--claimed that Edward Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Pfsr. Floyd, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Floyd has perfected the aeroplane.
Momentarily being installed in Floyd's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares O'Hare Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Floyd mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and smoothly predicted results for later this decade.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."
In the most melodious game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 11 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Wednesday at 7:18 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The metropolis has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Nicolas Adams at the county offices.
A happy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher attacked fleetingly.
A report of 29 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Oscar announced his stance on the latest issue: drummers with nasty rashes living in parked cars.
Councilman Jenkins, always outspoken, sighed "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Schneider, as usual, responded "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
A local trophy maker observed, "I need to stomp his pinky finger."
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Denizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident noted quickly.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," blurted another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to request more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the municipality takes action.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Chicago University proudly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One uncle, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of bitter earwax build-uppus on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.
Filled with desire, the daughter exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"