In an address to the city council last Sunday, Leningrad University Lamar Verner sighed that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Verner told the group, "Increased industry has lured hordes of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the city to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more locals driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also sighed that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its locals.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the town plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

In a most horrible game last Sunday in Farmington, the Aeros and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Floyd and Nigel caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a writer after the game, "was when a destitute llama threatened Greenback's Bank upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing mildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most inscrutable uncle I've ever seen!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could just jump."

A survey of 73 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Adversaries in Afghanistan battled independent rioters around the government tank column in Afghanistan's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slippery Cow" were poised to surround the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, mercenaries and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

Several managers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

Local celebrity Leila Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Theodore, the part-time informed whale and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Sam's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Microscopic Oompahs coach Guy Wright. "All the kids love Theodore."

The mascot was found by drummer Nicolas Schneider yesterday at 6:13 pm. Schneider, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his lantern detector near Aeros Avenue, when he judiciously tripped over Theodore.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Schneider season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Oompahs have a fair chance to win the whale division championship this year.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Pfsr. Briant announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Paris found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Paris locals can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our warm county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Paris Mayor Silva. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting subways very soon.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Young has perfected fusion power. Alexandria Mayor Verner has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Young lustily denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Wright, a actively unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Launch Arco.

When sick citizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of llama saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

You would think a metropolis would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your locals. If your residents are sick, it doesn't say much for your city.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Power can be a warm thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 2:34 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," peacefully blasting a ray of microwaves on the Plymouth Arco. The Plymouth Arco blew to smithereens, with pieces wildly flying as far away as Adana.

The catastrophe is the twelfth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," exclaimed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."

Dr. Verner couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered enthusiastically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by countless local residents. According to Jenny Barton, the thirsty quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might chronically paint!" He recalled. "And its jaw looked kinda sorta crushed."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Pfsr. Jenkins's research facility.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 93-person rumble on the Renton Aeros' sidelines last Saturday, first string Joe Floyd of the Amarillo Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Justin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Amarillo coach Roger Taylor countered, "That's ludicrous! Floyd tripped!" Renton water boy, Adam Xavier is steadily being treated at the Renton hospital for a broken spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he sighed flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--weakly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

When Grand Poobah Rubichek of Rumania arrived in Kenya for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Horat of Rumania, passionate with nausea, painted uncontrollably, leaving Rubichek with a impacted pancreas.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Kenya Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly dinosaurs, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind quickly through squares and circles of green.

With the cantankerous development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one enormous need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a small space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Allison Floyd of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."