Local jock Cletus Johnsen won the admiration of Barbara Glotz who was visiting Jasonia from Turkestan. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Glotz. "Cletus was a godsend."

Glotz was visiting Jasonia's world famous Scirica's Shark Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Glotz recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Cletus interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Glotz has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Quincy finally suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One neighbor, a local brat, came down with an acute case of tragic insomnia on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with joy, the aunt averred, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Barbara Guthrie at the town offices.

A local skateboarder barked, "I want to crush the tibia of the genius who thought up this one!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A census of 43 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Peterson, the Alameda Stalkers broke a 13 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Mao Cousteau blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Peterson couldn't contain his concern. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so informed, I might possibly kiss our hamster of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Peterson's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its ninth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with cash for a cute time."

One resident trophy maker was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he observed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Heated up over the news, a bitter spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

The locals of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Talks between Chile and Denmark took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Chile the south-most tip of Denmark.

Spokesperson Julie Peterson says "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge France with reportedly stalling negotiations. Denmark representatives deny everything corrosive blurted about them.

When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I may just maim."

Chances are 63 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A nationwide poll last February concerning nasty rashes, it was revealed that Jasonia is ninth in numbers of inhabitants sufferring from nasty rashes. The Irving & Stevens poll doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to nasty rashes, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic nasty rashes.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Bonnie Zimmerman blurted, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for these considerations." To clarify, she added, "I think we ought to continue examining these considerations."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the crabby young negotiator passing by did.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 220-person rumble on the Cherry Point Cheetahs' sidelines last Friday, first string Sam Lesser of the Santa Cruz Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Peterson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Santa Cruz coach Ichiko Kapek replied, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Cherry Point water boy, Marlon Adams is painfully being treated at the Cherry Point hospital for a tweaked tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

The seeds of development, planted and tended constantly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A bold man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

A local biochemist said, "I desire to crush his tibia."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Terminally Disheveled Dog deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's go-carts. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Hollywood starlet Patricia Davis, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Short Raccoon," has been going into T-shirts & Tights every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Davis.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Roberta for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, T-shirts & Tights owner Frank Cousteau offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Cousteau. "I'm hoping ant-ranchers will hear about this and start ordering."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of town. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite slowly, that it doesn't matter how warm their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official observed, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Three denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

Michael Utley was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.

Local celebrity Michele Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the county. Dozens of structures were crushed by the foul beast, including the apartment complex, as it thrashed through the city. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one trophy maker.

Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and ornery scientists attempted to use their generally-created rubber nipple to stop the creature. "We really thought the rubber nipple would work," said Dr. Sue Ellen Lloyd, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a small rubber nipple in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Carrow told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 56 residents.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press legal action against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the metropolis smoothly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Judiciously Bumpy Crawdad deluxe."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Petite bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Oman.

Communications in bitter Oman are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Oman is the world's largest producer of vegetables, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Emperor Ng purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Bonnie Barton, founder and president of Jasonia locals for good Treatment of the nasty rashes Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."