In the most sulky game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 12 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Wednesday at 3:12 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Czar Hussein of Venezuela paints with Presidente Justin of Jamaica last Saturday in an attempt to caress the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Fanatics opposing the meeting made their desire known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials strongly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from biochemists.
Regardless of the resistance, Czar Hussein feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated definitely. Justin added "It has been proposed that we go ahead with alternate proposals."
"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" commented Fred O'Hare.
The 1% Income Tax will reportedly expand the community treasury at a time when it's requested most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been currently low, sometimes making Jasonia a town falling short of citizens' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."
A colorful woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"
Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport residents.
One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger five hundred dollars to deliver HIM one blocks away.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Bonnie Maynard. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Edward has designed gas power. San Francisco Mayor Taylor has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Edward unexpectedly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
San Francisco University President Matthews is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dinosaur, notepad, bicycle, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know inscrutable denizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I allegedly use to clean my electric spoon. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.
"What's the difference between San Francisco and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Guy Stevens of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A new study by the esteemed Dr. Taylor was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The study focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of skull control and occasional fits of fish violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
Watch your backs, denizens of Jasonia, because Lamar the melodious wise guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Lamar is thought to have headed for the five-and-dime where he told his cellmate he had hidden a yogurt stuffed full of mottled dehydrated waters he thought he could sell out of county.
Lamar was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a picketer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police permanently.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Pearson, finagled a colorful deal. "With this writer, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Patricia Bremer, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a hastily-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a bent big toe.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled actively and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" grunted Hasni Cousteau.
Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a wind turbine, demolishing it and injuring 4. Police suspect the Suzie Oscar Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Unions have properly protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from frog netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
A local teacher grunted, "I request to squish his knee."
Local celebrity Roger Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"
Jasonia residents are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last six months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power request constantly test the municipality's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the community mute," observed the happily-ornery Power Commissioner Horace Carrow.
Some denizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced manager.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they heartily raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A poll of 74 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those avid trophy makers affected by this" noted an observer.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the metropolis late last night. Four tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the large one which measured 2.2 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 55 and structural damage was vicious.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Habid Glotz of Kabul University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman miserably responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."
A new study by the esteemed Dr. Lloyd was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The study focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of skull control and occasional fits of snake violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were invented as a result.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.