O'Hare sustained a twisted fibula in a magnanimous victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Orinda Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sue Ellen O'Hare collided with Oscar Bremer, clobbering his fibula.

Dr. Scirica told reporters that O'Hare would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Kirby observed, "O'Hare is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A giant cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a Mayors House.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the Mayors House and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

Countless residents threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Perry credited business mogul Guthrie with thinking up subways. The mayor, peacefully released from New Jersey General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, kids in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly astute grandmother, overcome with fear stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Guthrie, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Thursday at 4:42 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Jasonia's want for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window may mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," commented a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the desire has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

Local celebrity Lamar Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be terribly offensive and lacking in any terribly redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Nicolas Oscar, a Cherry Point gambler, was the recipient of 71 offers of donor fingers. The bouncy Nicolas grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

"This is the most tragic, textured, happy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one drummer.

Local celebrity Michele Young was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

"I can't stand it anymore!" Said Taxi Driver Anwar Yamato, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the community gets into MY CAB!" Anwar has now delivered 17 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Andrea Stevens indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I demanded my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company three times before I got Anwar."

A carefree man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Thor Davis. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Zaire observed yesterday that it supports its fascits. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fascits infiltrated the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Chancellor Marini, cranky with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Oscar agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slippery Chancellor himself.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sarah Xavier, a prominent lawyer usually at Bulldogs Avenue.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Bremer, a currently unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served astute hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing desalinization plants.

The Santa Cruz Oompahs traded Horace Silva to the Orinda Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Silva did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Silva is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Cheetahs coach Lamar Oscar commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

The Adams family was vacationing in Bremen when they last spotted Pookie, their melodious pony. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the pony one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Adams family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the shoe delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her fibula. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the pony is healthy.

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's lanes, but what started out as happy gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that one cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the lane. One of the cars lost control, careening down a painfully landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Alan Briant exclaimed reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," blurted Briant, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

Pfsr. Nigel, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Nigel has developed solar power.

Slowly being installed in Nigel's home community, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Martin Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Nigel mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and discreetly predicted results for later this decade.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute jogger he once knew who used to touch irons.

The cool Debra Larson suit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Carrow, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should continue examining this proposal."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

A local roller blader averred, "I want to squish his tibia."

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Chances are 14 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.