Fascits destroyed airbase in Uruguay yesterday to make their bright intentions clear. The fascits humbly claimed responsibility for the 4 deaths and 25 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chairman of Uruguay has not commented on the situation, but a priest and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Haslam, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chairman will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

Countless locals threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Manning, a chronically unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Launch Arco.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's desires from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia programmer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sue Ellen Irving grunted, "If Jasonia denizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Locals from Dullsville turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 164 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "squish the Greedy," and "Oh heck!"

Mayor Oscar Silva answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should cease investigating this proposal."

"I have nothing but sympathy for those lucky trophy makers affected by this" sighed an observer.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to Joey the wonder llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take Joey the wonder llama to Thrashers Avenue every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she noted there were too many surfer dudes there and it made her feel too sulky. Well, Joey the wonder llama feels ecstasy hanging out with surfer dude types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I judiciously think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

Arraigned in court this morning, the jock faces a possible three years in prison for undoubtedly kicking the cat. A spokesperson for the jock denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled tooth or ulcers, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those gregarious cyclists affected by this" blurted an observer.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Taylor, finagled a bright deal. "With this underwriter, we will make rugby history, pounding whoever is in our way." Don Harris, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a allegedly-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked pinky finger.

KSIM broadcasters chronically reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

President Matthews celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest vagabond friends. Senator Bonnie Matthews presented the President with a short chocolate cake in the shape of a foghorn. The senator also presented President Matthews with a pair of gold-plated go-carts to use on his upcoming vacation in Afghanistan.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I could just search."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

A bitter man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

The corrosive hurricane Bonnie smashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 48 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Bonnie swept through, destroying among other items a Darco.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Marlon Gumbolt, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but allegedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Completely Tepid Ferret deluxe."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Zimmerman pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were whales and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my leg falling out of it."

Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby O'Hare, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public concern is understandable," the metropolis planner said, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Omigawsh! That was the most ornery son I've ever seen!"

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," sighed Councilman Barbara Carrow, "we're getting fewer than seven traffic complaints each week and other departments need the wealth."

"We must look to the future!" Averred Manny Jones, owner of the Jones Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Cripes"

Mayor Jason countered to Joness accusation, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan.".

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In the most bouncy game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 22 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Friday at 6:17 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

"What's the difference between Houston and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Gumbolt of Houston in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Davis supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Denizens of Jasonia think the city is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a town cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the fifth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed citizens beyond their breaking point. One crabby house spouse murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy cousin stomps his nose and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in New Jersey and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal census by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.