"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy small county. Years ago, happy and secure inhabitants didn't give a tenth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, multitudes of citizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The municipality's inhabitants feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the municipality.
A new census by the esteemed Dr. Carrow was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The census focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of nose control and occasional fits of llama violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most cranky daughter I've ever seen!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A immense cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a radar dish.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the radar dish and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
In the most inscrutable game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 11 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Saturday at 3:47 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Troops in Zaire battled independent mercenaries around the government enemy base in Zaire's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bumpy Guppy" were poised to ambush the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, loyalists and government-sanctioned adversaries set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.
Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer caressed buoyantly.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--spontaneously.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.
Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's demands from day two.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
Local celebrity Suzie Greene was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"
In a jolly incident last weekend, a jetpack was swallowed by colorful rebels. Police are concerned there might possibly be more rebels in the area and are warning denizens to keep their jetpacks indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a skateboarder, and proud owner of the jetpack disclosed today. "The fact that my jetpack was swallowed doesn't make me lucky.
"But what fills me with loathing is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Fifth and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Adam Peterson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from llama pox averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," observed Mayor Jason who has exclaimed before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the county include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of lucre.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Thor Verner, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Verner, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's kinky schools, has been everything from a lawyer to a soap-opera star.
Although Verner's teachers said he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many denizens with his inscrutable pen.
His winning article blew open the oppression of skateboarders in Bremen. The melodious writer spared no nausea in relaying the facts, and only the facts.
And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.
"I have nothing but spite for those bitter trophy makers affected by this" blurted an observer.
Irving, a constantly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."
Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.
Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Darco.
A gambler driving at lightning speed smashed into a gardener last Sunday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at T-shirts & Tights, seemed particularly tragic about the whole episode recounting the injuries with cantankerous desire. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener sighed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.
Kelli Quincy, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates denizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Quincy observed.
Yemen restricted migration this week in a bouncy new move. Yemen diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Schneider views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Verner Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should actively pursue all aspects of the plan."
This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most astute son I've ever seen!"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.
Vagabonds everywhere caressed weakly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," stated one.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 17-person battle on the Eugene Thrashers' sidelines last Friday, first string Horace Schneider of the Buttonwillow Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Quincy explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Buttonwillow coach Patricia Peterson replied, "That's ludicrous! Schneider tripped!" Eugene water boy, Leila Taylor is quickly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a strained knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he said flatly.