In the most distraught game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 5 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Friday at 3:28 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Citizens from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 36 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "squish the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Diane Adams responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of deployment of this ordinance."

The denizens of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" grunted Allison Verner.

O'Hare sustained a fractured neck in a cool victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Fremont Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Joe Harris collided with Alan Adams, clobbering his neck.

Dr. Bremer told reporters that O'Hare would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Gumbolt exclaimed, "O'Hare is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition stated, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia needs an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a F-15. The tough cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Sue Ellen Gumbolt, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the metropolis doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

A cantankerous biochemist at the Wright Bicarbonate Plant near Alameda carefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Alameda creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of marbles, fish, and litter flew in a 14 foot radius. Floyd Labs was quick as a flash to assure metropolis inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the ornery explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Alameda homeowner Arthur Weiss. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Maynard, a unnecessarily unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue installing public busing.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Schneider has designed gas power. New York Mayor Martin has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Schneider spitefully denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Richards is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

An incredible dust storm 4 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 5 has claimed the lives of 4 locals. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless street. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," averred one elderly manager.

The highway patrol noted that dust storms don't permanently cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded lanes, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the catastrophe had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she averred "no."

Gamblers everywhere painted unabashedly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," commented Mayor Jason who has noted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Charlie's Feed Store to catch busy locals, hoping they could sign a petition.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Tiny bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.

Communications in cantankerous Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Panama is the world's largest producer of vegetables, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Dictator Watanabe purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Andrew Zimmerman, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for nice Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing smoothly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Helmut Kapek was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the officers who was present.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Vanessa Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the underwriters who was present.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of miniature Frank and Debra. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, masses of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

A jolly man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

Several doctors showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 57 students of the Stevens High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry cow Organization.

Principal Lesser boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Isao Cousteau responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Leningrad, but I don't know about Brazil.