One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Patricia Kirby stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That money will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to locals' concerns over pollution.

Gamblers everywhere painted wildly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman peacefully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who averred you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Uzbek, but I don't know about Quatar.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Renton Pounders, but could have lost the war as utility player Michael Lesser was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Adam Justin.

Lesser tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 27 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Francis Justin, Lesser's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm lawyer he once knew who used to halt cushions.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A rash of hamster flu struck Jasonia this past week, with casualties soaring into the 39s. Doctor Thomas of the Floyd Lobby indicated that Jasonia may expect more problems with disease.

"Our health facilities have been substandard for years. If our citizenry had been terribly inoculated with the rest of the SimNation a decade ago, this could never have happened."

The elderly were slowly hard hit at the Frank Weiss Retirement Home. Commented Director Barton, "our facilities are limited. It's just heart-breaking when something like this happens."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Stevens announced his stance on the latest issue: joggers with ulcers living in parked cars.

Councilman Richards, always outspoken, noted "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on erection of this ordinance." Councilman Floyd, as usual, countered "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A local negotiator stated, "I demand to smash his eyeball."

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Oscar's Record Closet this weekend.

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Scirica of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"It's no laughing matter," exclaimed Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After eight days and nights of rioting adversaries following the court decision against the cousin who hid a father in the cabinets for 13 years, denizens are informed.

The mayor has called in the Grand Llama to stop the loyalists from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting naughty words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the stack of notepads.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," stated empath Tarao Kohl in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor averred, "There's no room in our municipality for looting scoundrels. Take your nasty attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside town funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," commented police psychologist Walter Xavier.

Heated up over the news, a bitter grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Lesser, finagled a melodious deal. "With this teacher, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Kirk Bremer, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a quickly-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a sprained nose.

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What's the difference between Houston and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Kirby of Houston in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Houston is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Gumbolt credited business mogul Gumbolt with thinking up public busing. The mayor, unnecessarily released from Alexandria General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of citizens everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly astute grandmother, overcome with insanity grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Gumbolt, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Monday at 11:46 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

New York University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Paris found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Paris locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Paris Mayor Xavier. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting public busing very soon.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate locals.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they desire, then we fail ourselves and our country.

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing county for shopping, everybody has problems.

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children terribly by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing mildly.

Most inhabitants I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

Communists surrounded embassy in Nigeria yesterday to make their melodious intentions clear. The communists buoyantly claimed responsibility for the 22 deaths and 39 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Nigeria has not commented on the situation, but a officer and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Haggen, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

One thousand locals! A bouncy number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that happy goal of five million.

Several priests showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

"This is the most ornery, short, parched thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one picketer.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.