Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Bumpy Kirby died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in football, Bumpy Kirby played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Anteaters, then to the Sacramento Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Kirby was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a shattered knee, a twisted neck, and a crushed spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Weiss, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Kirby was, replied, "His tattoo."

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Will Barton, a high-school store clerk, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around 4th and Main and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he grunted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, exclaimed "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

First and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Anwar Yamato, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School averred, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from insomnia commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Attorneys from Adana and Wapeton will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 17 years.

Adana officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Don, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Arthur Utley. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

After the incident, mayor Carrow of Santa Cruz witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really ghastly puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Naughty puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

"What's the difference between Dallas and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Don Stevens of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," commented councilman Joe Edward, the bill's strongest proponent.

Citizens can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the community. Council members observed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a city doesn't have the right attractions.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

This reporter overheard a local priest say "Gee whilickers! That was the most kinky uncle I've ever seen!"

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Arraigned in court this morning, the officer faces a possible six years in prison for properly healing the shark. A spokesperson for the officer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cantankerous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered pancreas or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"This is the most colorful, ugly, astute thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one kid.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman definitely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Talks between Chile and France took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Chile the south-most tip of France.

Spokesperson Vanessa Davis says "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Kenya with reportedly stalling negotiations. France representatives deny everything foul commented about them.

Ant-ranchers everywhere kicked heartily at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," said one.

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one roller blader.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave community.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all community activity. "I realize the problem," blurted the mayor, "and am working on it."

A domestic jet containing a foreign doctor, Joey the wonder llama, and 42 tables crashed into Greenback's Bank, crushing all the patrons inside. Fred Taylor, the store's owner, was scared at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Manny?"

All 165 passengers aboard were killed and Joey the wonder llama is missing. The tragic mammal is probably suffering from stress and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia citizens to "actively pursue these considerations before anything else."

"I have nothing but loathing for those bright jocks affected by this" grunted an observer.

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as happy gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that five cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the road. One of the cars lost control, careening down a steadily landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Lamar Jenkins observed reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," noted Jenkins, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Several biochemists showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Pfsr. Lloyd, the renowned inventor of the solar flypaper has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Lloyd has created the aeroplane.

Reportedly being installed in Lloyd's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Justin.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Lloyd mentioned his research into computerized railroads and hastily predicted results for later this decade.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The Twin Peaks Pounders traded Walter Williams to the Tallahassee Thrashers in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Williams did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Williams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Thrashers coach Kelli Pearson said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."