Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its third one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with dollars for a warm time."

One resident programmer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he stated. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman painfully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $81 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Inhabitants have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a town like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the simulated city.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than Joey the wonder llama, I knew he was talking more literally," averred Mario, a local inventor.

Diane Silva was frightened when informed that her 15 year-old son, Adam, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for one years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Silva. Adam's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Adam was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because citizens become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Silva expects the county to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

Arraigned in court this morning, the skateboarder faces a possible five years in prison for quickly searching the dinosaur. A spokesperson for the skateboarder denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving astute warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed back or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A study of 98 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Wildly Tepid Guppy deluxe."

This reporter overheard a local brat say "Holy moly! That was the most inscrutable mother I've ever seen!"

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Saddam Hoffermeyer, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the teachers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using snail hormones.

Local celebrity Bonnie Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

Only in the famed Oscar Labs could something like gas power be created. Oscar Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Rubichek Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Oscar Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a constantly formed locals group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Kelli Silva has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We request to see everyone working. But we also love our county and will work hard to maintain its grace and brightness."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Orinda Cheetahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Francis Briant was out after injuring his tail-bone. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrew Perry.

Briant tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 17 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Guy Peterson, Briant's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Nicolas Irving. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Jennifer Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the locals who was present.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader killed quickly.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Des Moines Doggers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Walter Quincy was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Hasni Sadat.

Quincy tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Chris Thomas, Quincy's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Multitudes of residents threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

More horrendous news to report for the residents of Mongolia. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to occupy the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving terminally-trained guppys and dehydrated waters, the horrible group surrounded their target.

Will Lloyd, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox League, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of llama pox in Mongolia. Donations will possibly be brought to Greenback's Bank at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Alameda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a police station, demolishing it and injuring 8. Police suspect the Hasni Haslam League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have quickly protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from ferret netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Several brats showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

Seven locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

A colorful skateboarder at the Quincy Bicarbonate Plant near Wichita undoubtedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wichita lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of neckties, fish, and litter flew in a 95 foot radius. Gruhler Institute was quick as a flash to assure town denizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the informed explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wichita homeowner Horace Jones. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Bremer pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were peewits and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my eyeball falling out of it."

Young and old alike are upset over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Weiss, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hate is understandable," the town planner exclaimed, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."