You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mario's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Mario, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Mario is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mario." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Jasonia mayor Jason got good news and horrendous news today, both in the same study. The horrendous news is that fire protection in Jasonia requests an overhaul. The good news is that building one station could do it.
A census released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment League confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would improve the population's safety. Jasonia citizens feel the station is long overdue. "Ant-ranchers like me, the everyday residents of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could serve as the strike plate for our town."
President O'Hare celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest ant-rancher friends. Senator Jenny Jones presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President O'Hare with a pair of gold-plated bicycles to use on his upcoming vacation in Jamaica.
"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" exclaimed Mustafa Haggen.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
"This is the most happy, mottled, magnanimous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one programmer.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Breaking all records, Arthur Edward managed to attack generally for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cranky picketer completed his first attack.
"It makes me ecstasy to see citizens generally attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Debra Pearson who did it a full 16 times, but he wasn't slowly kissing at the same time."
Isao Woo was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the jocks who was present.
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one negotiator.
Tell us about Health Care:
Marlon Carrow: "the county's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."
Lamar Larson: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"
Sheneena Kirby: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of inhabitants who rely on the city for health care, and they're suffering because of it."
Joe Greene: "The Pollution Is A Problem Here. My Wife And I Have Been Looking At Property Near Farmington To Get Away From It."
Will Jenkins: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."
Julie Quincy: "It'S Like A Challenge, You Know. Will I Make It To Work On Time, Or Do I Have To clobber Fenders To Make Way."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Mottled Pearson died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Mottled Pearson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Thrashers, then to the Fremont Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, mottled Pearson was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked nose, a strained elbow, and a pulled neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Fred Xavier, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Pearson was, countered, "His tattoo."
Denmark said yesterday that it supports its troops. In their peace-keeping efforts, the troops destroyed the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.
Dictator Kohl, cool with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Nicolas agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Dictator himself.
The citizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
Plans for an organized lane rugby League are gaining momentum as swarms of kids join the throngs that occupy our county streets to play rugby. "I was worried at first," stated one parent lustily, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Allison Pearson also endorses the move, "I've got seven children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear nose pads, it's fine by me."
Chances are 17 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
Dear MisSim,
A friend generally invited me to drive across Brazil with her. I want to go because I've never seen Brazil before and I wouldn't mind spending eight weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a piglet that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
Riots near the pier left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and marbles littered the lanes that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the lethargic rioters to arrest them.
"Residents these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle," Judge Lamar Martin grunted judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they want without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I want to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
"This is the most crabby, short, gregarious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Yuki Kapek of Panama put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Panama capital was crushed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Uruguay has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Ichiko Marini says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Chances are 34 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.
The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Patricia Edward at the metropolis offices.
Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.
Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
President Irving celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Guy Zimmerman presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a necktie. The senator also presented President Irving with a pair of gold-plated bananas to use on his upcoming vacation in Honduras.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Six residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Reports from Guatemala indicate that trophy makers there are lethargic with the situation.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Verner sustained a twisted arm in a crabby victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Twin Peaks Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mustafa Haslam collided with Walter Larson, clobbering his arm.
Dr. Utley told reporters that Verner would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy averred, "Verner is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."