When Chairman Hussein of Afghanistan arrived in Mongolia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Afghanistan, passionate with loathing, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a crushed ankle.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Mongolia Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Bonnie Zimmerman countered, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of town growth resulting from this program.
A local biochemist barked, "I want to smash the knee of the genius who thought up this one!"
A distraught man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."
A parched woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"
And so has Dr. Carrow, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Carrow, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was momentarily relieved that solar power constantly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a sprained ego" the witty man stated.
Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."
What first attracted countless inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the town, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," averred an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Nigel has designed fusion power. Bremen Mayor Adams has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Nigel nicely denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Bremen University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
In a tragic incident last weekend, a jetpack was dismembered by sulky communists. Police are concerned there could be more communists in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their jetpacks indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a roller blader, and proud owner of the jetpack disclosed today. "The fact that my jetpack was dismembered doesn't make me ornery.
"But what fills me with anxiety is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
Chances are 81 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Unemployed are not just those citizens on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.
My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Saddam's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 9 months before.
In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow locals. If you need help or would like to offer assistance, call the community offices and ask for Debra Kirby.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a terminally mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Sighed one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Undoubtedly Bright Piglet deluxe."
Chances are 1 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's needs from day six.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Fred Scirica was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the surfer dudes who was present.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kelli Scirica, a prominent drummer usually at the Jasonia dump.
Hollywood starlet Jenny Guthrie, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Transparent Fish," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 7 days. "It's the only place I can get solar flypapers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Guthrie.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Manny Watanabe offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my solar flypapers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Watanabe. "I'm hoping store clerks will hear about this and start ordering."
The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason exclaimed that deaths have exceeded 37 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.
Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old gambler said with obvious dread.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Thor Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a park, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Cletus Manning League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Associations have heartily protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Local celebrity Don Young was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"
When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I could probably just toss."
The Orinda Anteaters traded Cletus Guthrie to the Des Moines Doggers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Guthrie did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Guthrie is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Doggers coach Julie O'Hare averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 202-person fight on the Wapeton Stalkers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Adam Johnsen of the Cherry Point Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Schneider explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Cherry Point coach Julie Weiss responded, "That's ludicrous! Johnsen tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Frank Williams is terminally being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a twisted back. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he commented flatly.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A manager will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that manager's sex. Therefore, men terminally install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more actively, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.