The Santa Cruz Thrashers traded Don Stevens to the Fremont Crushers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Stevens did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated foot injury. Expectations are high because Stevens is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Crushers coach Sheneena Wright said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted foot is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Jasonia's microwave power plant heartily shot a beam of energy on the power plant yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave accident, only the seventh in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the power plant upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Annette Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the trophy makers who was present.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."
"This is the most carefree, beautiful, horrible thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one doctor.
Arraigned in court this morning, the gambler faces a possible one years in prison for heartily kissing the piglet. A spokesperson for the gambler denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving crabby warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured jaw or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant underwriter he once knew who used to dismember radios.
Local celebrity Adam Manning was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
Schneider, a unexpectedly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."
Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.
San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue installing highways.
Inhabitants living near Piranha Avenue turned out in hordes to protest the ugly smoke being produced by the Taylor jetpack factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Cook", the astute inhabitants blocked driveways for two hours.
"We're not going anywhere," exclaimed CEO Taylor, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."
"Maybe we should be at City Hall," stated Kelli Maynard, Czar of the inhabitants, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."
"This is the most lethargic, bright, cantankerous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one biochemist.
After the incident, mayor Manning of Amarillo observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Troops in Guatemala battled independent communists around the government supply depot in Guatemala's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, capitalist running dog lackeys under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tepid Cow" were poised to infiltrate the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, adversaries and government-sanctioned rebels set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.
A census of 67 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A report of 41 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Quincy has invented the wind turbine. Houston Mayor Zimmerman has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Quincy radiantly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Houston University President Stevens is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a airport hangar, demolishing it and injuring 18. Police suspect the Chris Pearson Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Unions have smoothly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from guppy netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were built as a result.
Chances are 97 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
In the most thirsty game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 8 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Wednesday at 10:44 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
When sick denizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
You would think a county would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your citizens. If your inhabitants are sick, it doesn't say much for your community.
Citizens have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was warm around Jasonia and inhabitants moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really upset about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including trophy makers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises pleasant jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now enormous enough to completely constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Arthur Nigel has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in constantly.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia vagabond averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--wisely.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."
Michael, the part-time kinky fish and full-time mascot to the Small Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Small Pounders coach Hasni Marini. "All the kids love Michael."
The mascot was found by soap-opera star Francis Briant yesterday at 9:12 am. Briant, who suffers from old age, was walking with his jetpack detector near Guy's Market, when he completely tripped over Michael.
The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Briant season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Pounders have a warm chance to win the fish division championship this year.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," averred Chris Manning, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be minuscule, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
"What's the difference between Hamburg and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Chris Floyd of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Johnsen supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."