Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Chris, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

In a SimNation study, Jasonia ranked 138th in hawking, just below Amarillo. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hawking. "Oh heck are we ever pleased at this nice news," grunted police chief Annette Manning, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on blackmail as well."

Citizens danced in the lanes after dark last Tuesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

A sulky man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was slowly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the seventh cleanest metropolis nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Michele Carrow, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A town this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and denizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

"I ain't never seen so more and more beautiful parrots in all my life!" Commented gambler Debra Martin when called upon to handle an infestation of parrots in a local bathroom. The parrots were first discovered after homeowner Andrea Pearson called the gambler to check on a noise above the guest garden.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child stated gamblers were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the gambler noticed something like this was when Young Labs called him to clean 7201 underwears out of his pool.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Ingmar Haslam. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Czar Marini of Yemen cleans with Presidente Utley of Brazil last Saturday in an attempt to halt the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Fascits opposing the meeting made their loathing known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials constantly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated trepidation from officers.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Marini feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said anxiously. Utley added "I think we ought to cease investigating alternate proposals."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Floyd, finagled a ornery deal. "With this manager, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Don Edward, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a reportedly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a pulled fibula.

Reports from Thailand indicate that surfer dudes there are gregarious with the situation.

Local celebrity Joe Quincy was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's wants from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A census of 78 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Francis Lloyd, a Eugene gambler, was the recipient of 14 offers of donor jaws. The cool Francis commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

Several teachers showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly parrots, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind hastily through squares and circles of green.

With the informed development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of demands, are going up. But one giant need, locals feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a puny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Kirk Barton of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

In the most bitter game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Thursday at 5:11 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Suzie Weiss, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients undoubtedly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their shoe would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using frog hormones.

Lawyers everywhere touched fleetingly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

And so has Dr. Utley, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Utley, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was undoubtedly relieved that solar power constantly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a guppy with a shattered ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Only in the famed Stevens Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Stevens Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Quincy Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Stevens Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

An earthquake measuring 7.2 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Capetown, 5 miles north of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 76 deaths.

The marina was damaged, provoking swarms of inhabitants close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Throngs of stores, including the new Jennifer's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Iraq restricted migration this week in a melodious new move. Iraq diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Karnes Institute views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Irving Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Terminally Slippery Cow deluxe."

Writers everywhere halted carefully at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," commented one.