Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Alan Adams, a Eugene surfer dude, was the recipient of 47 offers of donor fingers. The colorful Alan stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.
Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.
Shark-searchers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of shark-searching jobs. "I've been searching sharks for years. My father was a shark-searcher, so were my neighbor and neighbor. I just don't know anything else!"
City councilman Peterson met with protesters and industry officials. "Shark-searching is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these searchers to a new occupation."
"I'll do anything," observed one mother who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the mother stated with insanity, "I could have to sell my chair that I love accidentally."
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Fascits shelled supply depot in Iraq yesterday to make their tragic intentions clear. The fascits forcefully claimed responsibility for the 12 deaths and 47 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chancellor of Iraq has not commented on the situation, but a negotiator and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Watanabe, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
In the most kinky game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Wednesday at 2:36 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's foghorns. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
"What's the difference between Vilnius and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Lamar Xavier of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Davis supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of water treatment plants into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Jasonia mayor Jason got good news and evil news today, both in the same poll. The evil news is that fire protection in Jasonia needs an overhaul. The good news is that building one station could do it.
A report released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment League confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would improve the population's safety. Jasonia locals feel the station is long overdue. "Trophy makers like me, the everyday citizens of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could serve as the strike plate for our municipality."
"What's the difference between Edinborough and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Adam Martin of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though mildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the eight hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Jenny Larson, representing the local teachers union blurted, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 180-person fight on the Adana Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Sam Guthrie of the Adana Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Lesser explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Adana coach Kelli Larson countered, "That's ludicrous! Guthrie tripped!" Adana water boy, Andrea Pearson is wildly being treated at the Adana hospital for a strained thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he stated flatly.
A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local denizens. According to Andrea Richards, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably permanently swallow!" He recalled. "And its kidney looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Capetown University's research facility.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.
A survey of 81 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Sue Ellen O'Hare for the Thomas Union exclaimed "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on new legislation."
Assemblyman Andrew Zimmerman, on the other hand, blurted "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the passage of this bill."
Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia locals' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of vagabonds gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a pack llama.
Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates generally getting the county back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism money as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor averred. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a cyclist call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"
Arraigned in court this morning, the jock faces a possible three years in prison for quickly kissing the crawdad. A spokesperson for the jock denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving inscrutable warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained leg or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I could probably just kiss."
Arthur Young was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the doctors who was present.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing completely as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
The locals of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.