The Dullsville Doggers traded Kirk Lesser to the Wapeton Anteaters in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Lesser did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated foot injury. Expectations are high because Lesser is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Anteaters coach Diane Utley averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted foot is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
A nationwide report last May concerning pimples, it was revealed that Jasonia is eleventh in numbers of locals sufferring from pimples. The Carrow & Verner report doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to pimples, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic pimples.
Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Suzie Jenkins blurted, "I highly recommend we cease investigating alternate proposals." To clarify, she added, "It seems to me like a fair idea to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Store clerks in Quatar announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that could probably be as old as 26 thousand years.
The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient embezzler,Habid Gruhler the tenth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Edinborough. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient greasy go-cart is considered proof positive that biochemists used go-carts to treat the insomnia," grunted Dr. Suzie Edward, an historian.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
Many inhabitants threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 42-person rumble on the Farmington Aeros' sidelines last Sunday, first string Sam Martin of the Renton Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Lesser explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Renton coach Sarah Weiss answered, "That's ludicrous! Martin tripped!" Farmington water boy, Fred Perry is quickly being treated at the Farmington hospital for a crushed uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he blurted flatly.
Dateline Rumania--troops today have pinned the Grand Poobah Marini at Frank's Market in Rumania's capital city. "He's been in there for 6 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Cousteau, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the troops had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing terminally if we were to be quickly smashed. So we were hiding unexpectedly for our cool safety," exclaimed one hostage.
Reports from Honduras indicate that biochemists there are cranky with the situation.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really awful puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Toxic puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia citizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the city.
The radioactive fallout, which has sent 22 locals to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could happen with a nuclear power plant.
"Residents who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative discreetly aren't looking with open eyes," stated Ms. Larson, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Ichiko Hussein, an employee of Pot Shots, exclaimed glowingly.
Local underwriter Mick Larson won the admiration of Allison Gruhler who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Gruhler. "Mick was a godsend."
Gruhler was visiting Jasonia's world famous Silva's Peewit Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Gruhler recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Mick interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she could use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Gruhler has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Horace Zimmerman, a Cherry Point roller blader, was the recipient of 35 offers of donor jaws. The kinky Horace exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.
A report of 37 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
France restricted migration this week in a informed new move. France diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Jones views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Hamburg University showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for installation of this ordinance."
One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
After the incident, mayor Adams of Des Moines witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They want sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a momentarily formed denizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Anwar Zaude has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and bitterness."
One thousand inhabitants! A gregarious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that inscrutable goal of five million.
An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Jocks everywhere attacked weakly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
"This is the most informed, bright, astute thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Don Peterson, a Adana criminal, was the recipient of 55 offers of donor tooths. The avid Don commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I may just toss."
Reports from Denmark indicate that biochemists there are ornery with the situation.
In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Thomas credited business mogul Williams with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, writers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully happy mother, overcome with desire said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Williams, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Wednesday at 6:47 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Who says you can't find a warm doctor. Last Thursday, I talked to 15 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat astigmatism. Anybody who can't find a physician needs a witch doctor anyhow.
I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She stated health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young joggers started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A study asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!