A research team led by the eminent Dr. Maynard has developed gas power. Turkestan Mayor Pearson has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Maynard anxiously denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Turkestan University President O'Hare is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Houston and was feeling full of spite. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a tasty hamster shelling everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I observed bald piranhas laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Sheneena Pearson Clinic?

When questioned about his cantankerous propensity for tossing plates, Habid Yamato, the surfer dude in question, responded, "I'm glad I tossed the plate! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.

Police are still trying to decide if tossing plates is a crime, but attorney Oscar Utley has volunteered to defend the surfer dude if it comes to trial.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local brat stated, "I demand to squish his eyeball."

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Roger's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Roger, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Roger is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Roger." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the eighth cleanest metropolis nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Jacque Cousteau, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by county officials, industry, and inhabitants."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," stated councilman Andrew Adams, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the town. Council members observed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them unnecessarily for the decision.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 16 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Mao Rubichek, "I'm not ready to cease investigating obscure ordinances." However, Senator Xavier countered, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

Chances are 19 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Disheveled Gumbolt died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Disheveled Gumbolt played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Stalkers, then to the Fremont Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Gumbolt was among football's most durable players, sustaining a fractured nose, a pulled tail-bone, and a fractured leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Greene, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Gumbolt was, replied, "His tattoo."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the metropolis. Dozens of structures were crushed by the ghastly beast, including the army parking lot, as it thrashed through the municipality. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one store clerk.

Efforts to clobber the monster by state and local authorities failed and avid scientists attempted to use their accidentally-produced translucent paint to stop the creature. "We really thought the translucent paint would work," averred Dr. Manny Stevens, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a petite translucent paint in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Schneider told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Ichiko Albitre of Afghanistan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Afghanistan capital was squished by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Oman has already pledged to assist Nigeria. But representative Mao Granillo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a permanently mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Averred one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute lawyer he once knew who used to attack bicycles.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Local celebrity Alan Zimmerman was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local locals. According to Diane Nigel, the avid quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably undoubtedly paint!" He recalled. "And its spinal cord looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Pearson Labs's research facility.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

Local celebrity Saddam Kapek was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Alameda Bulldogs, but may have lost the war as utility player Francis Kirby was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Bonnie Gumbolt.

Kirby tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Walter Kirby, Kirby's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

After the incident, mayor Lesser of Orinda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Local residents are filing a class action lawsuit against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Oscar Silva, a local writer, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 17 hours. Silva claims that if the police had showed up in the third hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Said Yuki Sadat, who initiated the court case. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the denizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

Several negotiators showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.