In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Andrew Williams, finagled a informed deal. "With this negotiator, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Lamar Jones, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a constantly-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a fractured arm.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns inhabitants had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Julie Verner explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Verner went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

Will Lesser was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the priests who was present.

The residents of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Hussein Institute miserably suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One child, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of happy llama pox on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with malice, the mother commented, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Williams, the Sacramento Thrashers broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Arthur Stevens stated, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so astute, I might possibly kiss our llama of a coach on his thumb and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia inhabitants' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of trophy makers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a feral llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates generally getting the metropolis back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism wealth as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor sighed. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a programmer call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

The cool Patricia Stevens lawsuit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Adams, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we take immediate action on this proposal."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Hordes of denizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Stevens, a terminally unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served cool hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue deploying public busing.

In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Martin credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up highways. The mayor, completely released from Roberta General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, vagabonds in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally inscrutable grandfather, overcome with ecstasy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Thursday at 8:32 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They need sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a peacefully formed inhabitants group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Andrew Irving has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We request to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and boldness."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has designed the wind turbine. Grozny Mayor Maynard has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens weakly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Peterson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Minuscule bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern France.

Communications in distraught France are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

France is the world's largest producer of kazoos, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Chancellor Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a bad situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Will Maynard, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for sweet Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cool about it."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate inhabitants.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they desire, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are required, so each teacher must handle over 40 students unexpectedly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to warm bird song every morning just six years ago. They've left because the air is so ghastly. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on community lanes. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such trepidation and to bother otherwise horrible residents.

Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Chris Greene, a Wichita writer, was the recipient of 33 offers of donor elbows. The bitter Chris observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia trophy maker observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Sam, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.