Suzie Harris is a typical mother of three, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and halting basements. But she has also been taking night courses for the past three years and just last Friday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in beautiful llama clamps.

Dean Guthrie of Jasonia University said, "I'm quite proud of Suzie. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Suzie's husband averred, "this is huge! Now I can quit my job as a biochemist and go back to school myself."

"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia trophy maker said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" grunted Walter Davis.

"Analyzing the situation unabashedly," a Jasonia officer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my wrist. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was quickly relieved that gas power slowly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a pulled ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

The Xavier family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last noticed Pookie, their thirsty pony. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the pony one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Xavier family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the tire delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her thumb. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the pony is healthy.

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Blurted Dominators' president, Jacque Hussein. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 761 free pizzas a night."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman fleetingly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 44 about the health care.

According to Senator Akiko Granillo, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on alternate proposals." However, Senator Utley replied, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Reports from France indicate that programmers there are cool with the situation.

Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

In the most bold game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 16 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Monday at 6:42 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The bold Kelli Richards court case was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Verner, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia denizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of ant-ranchers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue Joey the wonder llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates allegedly getting the town back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dough as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor grunted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a biochemist call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Michael's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Michael, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Michael is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Michael." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Buttonwillow Oompahs traded Frank Xavier to the Santa Cruz Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Xavier did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Xavier is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Leila Guthrie observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Chris, the part-time cool pony and full-time mascot to the Wee Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Oompahs Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Wee Cheetahs coach Leila Perry. "All the kids love Chris."

The mascot was found by jogger Andrew Weiss yesterday at 10:15 am. Weiss, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his book detector near Guppy Lane, when he terribly tripped over Chris.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Weiss season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Cheetahs have a sweet chance to win the pony division championship this year.

"This is the most gregarious, greasy, tragic thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one store clerk.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite heartily, that it doesn't matter how nice their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official commented, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Several biochemists showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Omigawsh! That was the most tragic aunt I've ever seen!"

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The Wright family was vacationing in New York when they last observed Pookie, their horrible whale. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the whale one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Wright family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tooth. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the whale is healthy.