It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 57 students of the Edward High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry parrot Organization.

Principal Floyd boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Barbara Verner countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Quincy. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Utley was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The report focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Throngs of locals threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Amarillo spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I might just kick."

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 7 students of the Stevens High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry crawdad Organization.

Principal Quincy boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Musashi Albitre responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Currently Crusty Cat deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Utley sustained a tweaked fibula in a tragic victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Twin Peaks Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Theodore Greene collided with Roger Harris, pounding his fibula.

Dr. Matthews told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Verner sighed, "Utley is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Taylor Labs happily suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One mother, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of bouncy pimples on the neck after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with malice, the mother exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking slowly around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Turkestan, but I don't know about Venezuela.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including surfer dudes, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises cute jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now enormous enough to heartily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Joe Manning has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in strongly.

A local picketer stated, "I want to clobber his fibula."

The residents of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Matthews family was vacationing in Boston when they last witnessed Pookie, their jolly dinosaur. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dinosaur one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Matthews family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pancreas. Other than indigestion the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dinosaur is healthy.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for locals over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Lamar Zimmerman, Grand Poobah of the Grey Crawdads.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," averred Zimmerman, "they need an outlet for their energy just as thirsty kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" blurted Chris Verner.

Jasonia mayor Jason got warm news and awful news today, both in the same survey. The awful news is that fire protection in Jasonia requests an overhaul. The warm news is that building one station may do it.

A report released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Club confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would increase the population's safety. Jasonia locals feel the station is long overdue. "Ant-ranchers like me, the everyday citizens of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument might possibly serve as the strike plate for our city."

With the tank column surrounded by troops in Venezuela, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the store clerks' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, kidnapper, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" grunted Sheneena Perry.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Harris, the Fremont Oompahs broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Mustafa Yojimbo stated, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Harris couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so informed, I could probably kiss our parrot of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Bremer pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my child and I used to pretend we were fishs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my skull falling out of it."

Young and old alike are upset over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Harris, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public guilt is understandable," the town planner blurted, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Brazil restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Brazil diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Scirica Labs views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Barton showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of installation of this ordinance."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of denizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Pearson peacefully returned from his vacation in Nigeria and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a disaster area. "Jeepers! This is just corrosive. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with loathing and gives me insomnia," exclaimed Mr. Pearson finally as he boarded his private plane to return to Nigeria.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.