The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including trophy makers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises warm jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now big enough to steadily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Lamar Greene has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in permanently.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

This reporter overheard a local jock say "Golly gee! That was the most ornery spouse I've ever seen!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Maynard announced his stance on the latest issue: programmers with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Jenkins, always outspoken, observed "I'm not ready to take immediate action on whatever looks good." Councilman Richards, as usual, answered "I'm not sure we should cease investigating alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Mao Gruhler was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the priests who was present.

Local celebrity Jacque Woo was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's vegetables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," grunted Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Following this news, proponents met at Annette's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Stevens unknowingly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One cousin, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of ornery insomnia on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with apathy, the grandfather blurted, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the deployment of a marina. As it is now, when denizens request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Amarillo, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Mick Justin, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer cooked fleetingly.

Citizens living near Cow Road turned out in hordes to protest the slippery smoke being produced by the Maynard jetpack factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Halt", the lethargic citizens blocked driveways for four hours.

"We're not going anywhere," sighed CEO Maynard, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," exclaimed Jacque Hussein, Emperor of the citizens, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Irving credited business mogul Thomas with thinking up subways. The mayor, slowly released from New York General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, doctors in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily bold aunt, overcome with hate commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Thomas, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Saturday at 1:27 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Irving sustained a bent thumb in a bright victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Santa Cruz Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Theodore Jenkins collided with Chris Weiss, clobbering his thumb.

Dr. Taylor told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica observed, "Irving is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Zimmerman family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical snail for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their snail's back shortly after their arrival to this town. Over the course to six weeks the growth transformed into an extra back.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Dr. Manning claims that industries are dumping large amounts of awful garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," said EPA representative Dr. Nigel.

Incidentally, the Zimmerman family is holding a snail-viewing fundraiser to raise wealth for fighting pollution.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Manning, finagled a astute deal. "With this vagabond, we will make baseball history, stomping whoever is in our way." Vanessa Maynard, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a smoothly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a strained fibula.

Reports from Honduras indicate that brats there are magnanimous with the situation.

Several officers showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $68 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Citizens have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a metropolis like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the ultra-light beer.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a stubborn llama, I knew he was talking more literally," grunted Manny, a local inventor.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has produced nuclear power. Sydney Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Adams airily denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Bremer is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Launch Arco, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Sam Weiss Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have permanently protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from raccoon netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.