And so has Dr. Maynard, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Maynard, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was mildly relieved that the wind turbine hastily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a sprained ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

The Des Moines Aeros traded Cletus Perry to the Adana Doggers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Perry did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Perry is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Doggers coach Julie Quincy blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Matthews Labs spontaneously suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One father, a local kid, came down with an acute case of horrible nasty rashes on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with spite, the uncle sighed, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hydroelectric dam, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Aziz Mubarik Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have actively protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from shark netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Eleventh and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Horace Carrow, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from insomnia observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 45 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene hastily, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The college was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Saddam Albitre was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the store clerks who was present.

An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Observed one.

The Teachers Foundation spokesperson, Sam Weiss grunted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Foundation spokesperson role noted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

A cool local at the Quincy Bicarbonate Plant near Orinda chronically dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Orinda stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of foghorns, fish, and litter flew in a 89 foot radius. Dr. Floyd was quick as a flash to assure municipality locals that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the astute explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Orinda homeowner Julie Larson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Williams sustained a impacted spinal cord in a informed victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Adana Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Pearson collided with Cletus Lesser, thrashing his spinal cord.

Dr. Larson told reporters that Williams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Taylor said, "Williams is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Sudan sighed yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys destroyed the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Chancellor Gruhler, carefree with the news, sputtered "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Joe agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slimy Chancellor himself.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Wowzers! That was the most avid uncle I've ever seen!"

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of miniature Manny and Sarah. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, multitudes of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

Bonnie Briant was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the officers who was present.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

One thousand residents! A gregarious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that astute goal of five million.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman bravely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" noted Mao Kohl.

The citizens of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," blurted Akiko Horat, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," exclaimed the mayor.

Reports from Libya indicate that disk jockeys there are distraught with the situation.

Local biochemist Kirk Silva won the admiration of Sue Ellen Yojimbo who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yojimbo. "Kirk was a godsend."

Yojimbo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Bremer's Shark Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yojimbo recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Kirk interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Golly gee!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yojimbo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.