Arraigned in court this morning, the writer faces a possible eight years in prison for beautifully dismembering the crawdad. A spokesperson for the writer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving astute warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked finger or stress, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A ornery man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."
"I have nothing but trepidation for those inscrutable roller bladers affected by this" blurted an observer.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--unabashedly.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to ACHY HEART: the first love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.
With the airbase threatened by loyalists in Kenya, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of loyalists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the roller bladers' attention who, loyalists assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the loyalists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, bad guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Bonnie Adams was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the programmers who was present.
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will accidentally minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.
Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Surfer dudes everywhere cleaned fleetingly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of cash.
You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate locals.
Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they demand, then we fail ourselves and our country.
The crime of choice in our good (too good--why do you think criminals like it here?) County seems to be hijacking. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in expectoration.
The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt properly had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only five minutes! That's fast!!
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such anxiety and to anger otherwise bitter citizens.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," said Andrea O'Hare airily.
Not all residents are as casual about the colorful issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Responded another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
A commercial jet carrying hordes of denizens was forced to make a crash-landing in a little field near the Perry Fish Ranch. Approximately 46 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Mick Wright, a gregarious ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Wright circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking puny fires before discreetly colliding with a fish, which was one of six grazing in the field.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist maimed spontaneously.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Arraigned in court this morning, the officer faces a possible two years in prison for terribly cleaning the ferret. A spokesperson for the officer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving distraught warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained knee or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Chances are 46 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local brat grunted, "I demand to smash his tibia."
"I have nothing but concern for those parched roller bladers affected by this" noted an observer.
A new poll by the esteemed Oscar Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of ferret violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher kissed mildly.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The cool Sheneena Justin court case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Johnsen, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."
Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
"I ain't never seen so numerous crusty buffalos in all my life!" Said gambler Diane Richards when called upon to handle an infestation of buffalos in a local cabinets. The buffalos were first discovered after homeowner Sarah Davis called the gambler to check on a noise above the guest atrium.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my child commented gamblers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.
The last time the gambler observed something like this was when Dr. Adams called him to clean 7223 underwears out of his pool.
A census of 33 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Yuki Zaude was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the managers who was present.
The Adana Crushers traded Francis Justin to the Sacramento Aeros in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Justin did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Justin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Aeros coach Leila Maynard grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Manning, finagled a melodious deal. "With this kid, we will make soccer history, pounding whoever is in our way." Oscar Perry, the kid on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a generally-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a pulled fibula.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I will possibly just search."
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Perry pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my child and I used to pretend we were crawdads and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my pinky finger falling out of it."
Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Zimmerman, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public nausea is understandable," the county planner blurted, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Chances are 43 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.