Hasni Ng is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Thailand has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Mao Woo, "I highly recommend we actively pursue all aspects of the plan."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Yuki Yamato responded "It would be in our best interests to hold back on new legislation." He later added, "I highly recommend we take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
In the most carefree game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 28 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Saturday at 10:18 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The Alameda Thrashers traded Cletus Maynard to the Twin Peaks Cheetahs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Maynard did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Maynard is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Cheetahs coach Mario Richards grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
Michael, the part-time cantankerous snake and full-time mascot to the Small Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Joe's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Small Cheetahs coach Sam Barton. "All the kids love Michael."
The mascot was found by officer Arthur Xavier yesterday at 8:32 pm. Xavier, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his marble detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he peacefully tripped over Michael.
The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Xavier season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Cheetahs have a nice chance to win the snake division championship this year.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Generally Funky Dinosaur deluxe."
In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?
Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look locals, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.
One days ago, a friend of mine spent four hours getting from Stalkers Avenue to McGarbers' mansion. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Oh my!
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Barbara, my computer. We used to be good friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Barbara , and less and less time with Sarah, my wife who is now full of guilt because of my bond with Barbara. It's not as if I don't love Sarah--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Barbara does. And I can't just boot Sarah out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Frank Verner, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the store clerks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using dinosaur hormones.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Mohammed Woo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Denmark has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Isao Woo, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of the passage of this bill."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Jennifer Utley responded "I think we ought to continue examining alternate proposals." He later added, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in New Jersey that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," blurted Barbara Jones, a local house spouse and part-time drug counselor.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
"This is the most parched, ugly, horrible thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one programmer.
"I have nothing but spite for those who supported this ordinance," offered a priest, peacefully.
Hollywood starlet Julie Davis, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slimy Dinosaur," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get water wigglers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Davis.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Manchester for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Mick Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my water wigglers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Horat. "I'm hoping priests will hear about this and start ordering."
Residents will rest heartily tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 11 seconds' forewarning, throngs of residents could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.
The death toll is currently at 15. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The water pump was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was slowly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled undoubtedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Snail watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild textured snail. "It's hard to find textured snail anymore," stated Jacque Perry head of the Pleasant Snail League, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Perry went on to point out the natural range of the textured snail has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining snails are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
One thousand inhabitants! A happy number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that magnanimous goal of five million.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Discreetly Greasy Piglet deluxe."
Habid Haslam was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the brats who was present.
On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."
Four denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.
A report by Harris Asks revealed most denizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Joe's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Stated alleged pirate Joe Jones in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them snail neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," exclaimed Jones. "Squawk!" Added Peg definitely, the captain's tepid parrot.
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I could probably just cook."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Debra Williams stated, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to place.
When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Hordes of locals threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A report of 34 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.