President Larson celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Suzie Maynard presented the President with a horrible chocolate cake in the shape of a banana. The senator also presented President Larson with a pair of gold-plated tables to use on his upcoming vacation in Venezuela.

A cranky man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I will probably just search."

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Tenth and Fourth street, and even demolished a park. Authorities say that 115 locals perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, six local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

One residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

When Prime Minister Glotz of Quatar arrived in Yemen for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Woo of Quatar, passionate with guilt, painted uncontrollably, leaving Glotz with a twisted uvula.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Yemen Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the county otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the community was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious residents are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 17 locals from the water.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking enthusiastically around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

Presidente Cousteau of Libya cleans with Presidente Lloyd of Oman last Friday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Fanatics opposing the meeting made their apathy known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials hastily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated anxiety from criminals.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Cousteau feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed unexpectedly. Lloyd added "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on these considerations."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they constantly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Terribly Tasty Shark deluxe."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local store clerk blurted, "I demand to crush his uvula."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

Experts are not sure what turns residents into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we want help!

All I Can Say Is I'M Glad I Have A Job. I Used To Think My Job Left A Lot To Be desired. Upon More Sober Reflection, However, I Realized My Most Pressing want--wealth--Is Met, Rather Well Met, If I Do Say So Myself.

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades denizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point inhabitants are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent demand for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, locals have organized a Foundation to prepare a formal demand to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," said the annoyed group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like orbital power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Borucki Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"What's the difference between Kabul and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Fred Maynard of Kabul in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A lucky writer at the Irving Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks terribly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of books, fish, and litter flew in a 63 foot radius. Pfsr. Maynard was quick as a flash to assure metropolis locals that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Nicolas Davis. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Only in the famed Carrow Labs could something like gas power be created. Carrow Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Kabul University--a rival in the field--claimed that Carrow Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In the most distraught game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 22 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Monday at 3:15 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Quincy, the Twin Peaks Crushers broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Andrea Xavier grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Quincy couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so kinky, I could probably kiss our fish of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Quincy's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.