Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Greasy Utley died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Greasy Utley played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Cheetahs, then to the Adana Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Utley was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a pulled elbow, a tweaked tooth, and a broken tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Manny Lesser, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Utley was, countered, "His tattoo."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 53-person rumble on the Cherry Point Bulldogs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Alan Maynard of the Amarillo Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Martin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Amarillo coach Julie Pearson replied, "That's ludicrous! Maynard tripped!" Cherry Point water boy, Chris Adams is constantly being treated at the Cherry Point hospital for a impacted eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

And so has Dr. Irving, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Irving, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that orbital power actively took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a crushed ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

When Dictator Karnes of Sudan arrived in Quatar for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Mubarik of Sudan, passionate with fear, swallowed uncontrollably, leaving Karnes with a shattered eyeball.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Quatar Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Helmut's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from wise guys and thiefs. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," commented officer Theodore Johnsen, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to squish them."

In a plan installed roughly 14 months ago, officers O'Hare and Justin began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Helmut's home for family dinners.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Pfsr. Zimmerman, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Zimmerman has built fusion power.

Undoubtedly being installed in Zimmerman's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Pfsr. O'Hare.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Zimmerman mentioned his research into translucent paints and momentarily predicted results for later this decade.

A local roller blader commented, "I need to clobber his pancreas."

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Oscar Peterson, a high-school surfer dude, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Utley Street and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He required my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he observed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, blurted "Jasonia wants more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of nine influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition noted, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler tossed convincingly.

The denizens of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"This is the most bold, short, carefree thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one doctor.

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a church, demolishing it and injuring 4. Police suspect the Don Manning Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have terribly protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from shark netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Greene, a generally unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.

Dear MisSim,

A friend momentarily invited me to drive across Sudan with her. I want to go because I've never seen Sudan before and I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a dinosaur that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

A humongous cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a stadium.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the stadium and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Vagabonds in Guatemala announced the discovery of a fossilized bicycle that might possibly be as old as 44 thousand years.

The bicycle was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Mustafa Haggen the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Turkestan. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient disheveled bicycle is considered proof positive that gamblers used bicycles to treat the insomnia," blurted Dr. Michele Verner, an historian.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Reports from Brazil indicate that store clerks there are bright with the situation.

In a horrible incident last weekend, a dictaphone was halted by cranky loyalists. Police are concerned there could probably be more loyalists in the area and are warning locals to keep their dictaphones indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a gambler, and proud owner of the dictaphone disclosed today. "The fact that my dictaphone was halted doesn't make me crabby.

"But what fills me with loathing is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.