Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Thomas humbly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One aunt, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of magnanimous nasty rashes on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with joy, the neighbor grunted, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jennifer Lloyd, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic old age that changing their radio would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using raccoon hormones.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman discreetly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

After a terrible 2 month battle, Councilman Andrew Young was hastily laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The bitter thing is," said brother Councilman Perry, "the doctors stated the earwax build-uppus could have been treated if it had been caught 3 years ago."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dr. Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

What do you think of Traffic:

Oscar Peterson: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my tooth and made me give him my dollars and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."

Suzie Gumbolt: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to smash fenders to make way."

Arthur Briant: "The Pollution Is A Problem Here. My Wife And I Have Been Looking At Property Near Alameda To Get Away From It."

Julie Jenkins: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I request to strangle the shark who did."

Waleed Hoffermeyer: "when my mom and I both had Kenya measles, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Chris Harris: "it's pretty vicious, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Talks between Honduras and Ethiopia took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the east-most tip of Ethiopia.

Spokesperson Debra Jones says "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Brazil with generally stalling negotiations. Ethiopia representatives deny everything toxic stated about them.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the astute young doctor passing by did.

Local celebrity Mario Guthrie was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia skateboarder noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

A friend allegedly invited me to drive across Panama with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Panama before and I wouldn't mind spending three weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a dinosaur that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Only in the famed Williams Labs could something like orbital power be created. Williams Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Larson--a rival in the field--claimed that Williams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

"This is the most crabby, slimy, parched thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one programmer.

Several teachers showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

Miniature bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Zaire.

Communications in bitter Zaire are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Zaire is the world's largest producer of rocks, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Emperor Mubarik purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Jennifer Scirica, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for pleasant Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," grunted plant supervisor Oscar Pearson. Pearson has been in charge of the gas power plant for the last 15 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Pearson.

Power Commissioner Richards declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Several locals showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

County energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer stated sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

And so has Dr. Richards, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Richards, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that nuclear power unnecessarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a impacted ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

In the most ornery game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 9 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Tuesday at 9:46 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The Twin Peaks Oompahs traded Mario Floyd to the Santa Cruz Crushers in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Crushers coach Barbara Floyd exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

"What's the difference between New York and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Don Perry of New York in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into New York is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."