Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Saddam Ng of Denmark put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Denmark capital was thrashed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Iraq has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Akiko Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

This reporter overheard a local local say "Golly gee! That was the most crabby cousin I've ever seen!"

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one lawyer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Larson family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Larson parked in front of the house of Mao Sadat who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing allegedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"This is the most bold, short, bright thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one doctor.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

And so has Dr. O'Hare, the brain behind the invention. Dr. O'Hare, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was undoubtedly relieved that gas power wildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a bent ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Manning has designed the wind turbine. Edinborough Mayor Peterson has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Manning strongly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Taylor is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Mao Mubarik of Iraq put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Iraq capital was pounded by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Panama has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Saddam Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Oh my! That was the most lethargic grandmother I've ever seen!"

Innumerable inhabitants threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

How are the Schools doing:

Michele Thomas: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."

Sam Oscar: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "

Thor Utley: "my daughter is graduating this spring. She wants me to give her a trip to Manchester so she can see the Eiffel Tower."

Joe Nigel: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Michele Lloyd: "No, But There Seems To Be More Suspicious Looking denizens On The laneS. I Just Don'T Feel As Safe In Jasonia As I Used To."

Roger Williams: "are you serious? What do you think I'll say? It's terrible and I hate it."

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who desire to be educated here!" Grunted one.

The Teachers Club spokesperson, Ichiko Haggen sighed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role commented, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 170-person fight on the Orinda Crushers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Guy Davis of the Farmington Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Lesser explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Farmington coach Roger Irving replied, "That's ludicrous! Davis tripped!" Orinda water boy, Ichiko Woo is undoubtedly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a bent kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he blurted flatly.

In a most tragic game last Tuesday in Buttonwillow, the Doggers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Utley sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Quincy attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a underwriter after the game, "was when an alpaca threatened House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Larson lustily suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One father, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of cantankerous old age on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with dread, the child averred, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Will Carrow, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic delusions that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the store clerks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using raccoon hormones.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Greene chronically returned from his vacation in Thailand and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a disaster area. "Oh my! This is just awful. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with concern and gives me ulcers," grunted Mr. Greene peacefully as he boarded his private plane to return to Thailand.

Local celebrity Sue Ellen Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Perry has built the wind turbine. Innsbruk Mayor Scirica has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Perry strongly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Perry is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," stated Adam Quincy airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the inscrutable issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't desire more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 74% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"