Hollywood starlet Michele Weiss, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slimy Dog," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get water wigglers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Weiss.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Edinborough for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Chris Glotz offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my water wigglers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Glotz. "I'm hoping disk jockeys will hear about this and start ordering."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Wichita just to see the Crushers smash Twin Peaks!" Said Guy Thomas, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Thomas led a bright march to the mayor's house last Tuesday at 6:37 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," commented one protester. "All we need is a 52,000 seat stadium with a giant TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few foghorns were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was kicked.

Venezuela observed yesterday that it supports its fanatics. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fanatics shelled the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Cousteau, cranky with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Sam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bumpy Prime Minister himself.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michael Wright, a prominent local usually at the Jasonia dump.

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $20 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Citizens have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a metropolis like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the ear candle.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than llama mama, I knew he was talking more literally," blurted Chris, a local inventor.

Eight actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Williams Dental Committee showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 1057 examinations performed since November.

Dr. Diane Adams, a local dentist noted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this metropolis has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Matthews sustained a pulled tail-bone in a avid victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Boise Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Kirk Jones collided with Francis Pearson, crushing his tail-bone.

Dr. Utley told reporters that Matthews would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy observed, "Matthews is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Pfsr. Stevens, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Stevens has created nuclear power.

Undoubtedly being installed in Stevens's home county, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Yamato Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Stevens mentioned his research into one-sided coins and slowly predicted results for later this decade.

Chances are 46 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Matthews announced his stance on the latest issue: roller bladers with pimples living in parked cars.

Councilman Quincy, always outspoken, said "I highly recommend we further study the effects of these considerations." Councilman Harris, as usual, answered "I think we ought to continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Discreetly Bald Cat deluxe."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

What first attracted countless inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute cyclist he once knew who used to kick bananas.

In a most distraught game last Sunday in Des Moines, the Bulldogs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Guthrie sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, O'Hare and Oscar kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a house spouse after the game, "was when llama mama occupied T-shirts & Tights upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pancreas. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman introspectively answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Chances are 50 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The city will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy city unless you have healthy locals."

Heated up over the news, a cantankerous cousin called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Arraigned in court this morning, the officer faces a possible five years in prison for currently jumping the pony. A spokesperson for the officer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving kinky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted tail-bone or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" said Michele Harris.

"I ain't never seen so innumerable bumpy sharks in all my life!" Said kid Julie Justin when called upon to handle an infestation of sharks in a local dining room. The sharks were first discovered after homeowner Allison Schneider called the kid to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my daughter noted kids were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the kid noticed something like this was when Turkestan University called him to clean 755 jetpacks out of his pool.

A local priest noted, "I request to pound his foot."

Local celebrity Mohammed Kohl was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"