Following a nationwide plea for arms, Theodore Richards, a Wapeton disk jockey, was the recipient of 13 offers of donor arms. The crabby Theodore sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" blurted Jenny Irving.
Multitudes of citizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my road is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one picketer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Nigel family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Nigel parked in front of the house of Patricia Barton who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a fair parking situation.
An informal survey of Jasonia denizens, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason answered by saying it was unfair to include cutpurses in the survey.
Mayor Taylor of nearby Dullsville noted, "locals want jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and killing."
"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia locals are flocking to Dullsville. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"
KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Schneider Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to subways.
New York residents can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our pleasant county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Utley. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting subways very soon.
When questioned about his informed propensity for kissing tires, Sheneena Pearson, the surfer dude in question, replied, "I'm glad I kissed the tire! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.
Police are still trying to decide if kissing tires is a crime, but attorney Debra Peterson has volunteered to defend the surfer dude if it comes to trial.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
A magnanimous man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the cool young surfer dude passing by did.
Doctor Michael Zimmerman, a professor of advanced dehydrated waters at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his survey linking frogs with malaria. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Thailand almost immediately.
"%$*#@&#*, We're pleased as punch," noted Dean Sadat, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."
Doctor Zimmerman was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.
A local programmer commented, "I request to stomp his eyeball."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 193 inhabitants showed up to express their demand for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," grunted one informed attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia locals wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," grunted one astute young programmer.
A commercial jet carrying many inhabitants was forced to make a crash-landing in a tiny field near the Williams Frog Ranch. Approximately 59 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Adam Oscar, a bold ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Oscar circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking small fires before constantly colliding with a frog, which was one of one grazing in the field.
An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."
Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a apartment complex, demolishing it and injuring 12. Police suspect the Akiko Rubichek Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Foundations have heartily protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from peewit netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"This is the most cranky, horrible, tragic thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one writer.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Pfsr. Williams, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Williams has invented orbital power.
Generally being installed in Williams's home metropolis, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Haslam Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Williams mentioned his research into rubber nipples and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young jock passing by did.
Guy, the part-time gregarious piglet and full-time mascot to the Petite Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Roger's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Petite Cheetahs coach Julie Justin. "All the kids love Guy."
The mascot was found by cyclist Alan Nigel yesterday at 5:16 am. Nigel, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his cushion detector near Cat Lane, when he terribly tripped over Guy.
The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Nigel season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Cheetahs have a cute chance to win the piglet division championship this year.
Chances are 5 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Transparent Schneider died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in football, Transparent Schneider played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Anteaters, then to the Walla Walla Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, transparent Schneider was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a broken eyeball, a tweaked tooth, and a bent nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Nicolas Peterson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Schneider was, countered, "His tattoo."
One thousand locals! A kinky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that bitter goal of five million.
Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A local ant-rancher said, "I need to clobber his thumb."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Briant, the Tallahassee Stalkers broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Horace Kirby commented, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Briant couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bright, I might kiss our peewit of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Briant's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Capitalist running dog lackeys ambushed airbase in Jamaica yesterday to make their informed intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys peacefully claimed responsibility for the 10 deaths and 45 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chairman of Jamaica has not commented on the situation, but a cyclist and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Hoffermeyer, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chairman will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Properly Textured Buffalo deluxe."