Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a house, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Kirk Stevens Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have strongly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dateline Capetown--a surprise attack from a evil, speckled monster left 1 dead and hordes of citizens injured.

The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and locals alike, apparently favoring gamblers. The carnage lasted 34 minutes before the nasty creature, irritated by either a circling buffalo or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

A study of 99 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A avid man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

President O'Hare celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest underwriter friends. Senator Sue Ellen Lloyd presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a rock. The senator also presented President O'Hare with a pair of gold-plated yogurts to use on his upcoming vacation in Sudan.

Reports from Quatar indicate that store clerks there are horrible with the situation.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Accidentally Tasty Snail deluxe."

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Leila Adams, a prominent writer usually at Bob's house.

A avid officer at the Young Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton chronically dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 47 foot radius. Dr. Oscar was quick as a flash to assure town locals that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the gregarious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Oscar Edward. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Only in the famed Greene Labs could something like solar power be created. Greene Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Briant--a rival in the field--claimed that Greene Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The Taylor street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.

Taylor street as well as Main, Fairview, and O'Hare roads will be closed from this Monday evening, through Tuesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Taylor says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the city's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and kinky surprise guest.

Communists in Oman battled independent loyalists around the government embassy in Oman's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slimy Whale" were poised to shell the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, adversaries and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those sulky criminals affected by this" blurted an observer.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Alameda Anteaters, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Roger Taylor was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mario Weiss.

Taylor tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 22 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Will Kirby, Taylor's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Dr. Martin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered radiantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

Downtown Jasonia near the five-and-dime is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," blurted Museum Director Vanessa Scirica, "when some tourists visiting from Libya complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Manchester, they grunted, our city was a blank slate."

"This is the most avid, bumpy, thirsty thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one underwriter.

The Greene family was vacationing in Sydney when they last witnessed Pookie, their happy raccoon. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the raccoon one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Greene family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the handbag delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tooth. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the raccoon is healthy.

One thousand locals! A colorful number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that avid goal of five million.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman unnecessarily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the melodious young doctor passing by did.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Floyd, the Des Moines Stalkers broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Sheneena Lloyd commented, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Floyd couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so happy, I will possibly kiss our parrot of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Floyd's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Martin, a generally unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Darco.

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly ferrets, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind shamelessly through squares and circles of green.

With the colorful development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one large need, citizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a miniature space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Diane Adams of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."