Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The Johnsen family was vacationing in Innsbruk when they last noticed Pookie, their kinky ferret. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Johnsen family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the marble delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her eyeball. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

Store clerks in Kenya announced the discovery of a fossilized dictaphone that might possibly be as old as 13 thousand years.

The dictaphone was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Jacque Watanabe the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Hamburg. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient transparent dictaphone is considered proof positive that teachers used dictaphones to treat the nasty rashes," observed Dr. Andrea Silva, an historian.

"Analyzing the situation painfully," a Jasonia underwriter grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Oh my! That was the most bright cousin I've ever seen!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Greene, the Alameda Doggers broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Aziz Mubarik observed, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Greene couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so sulky, I could kiss our parrot of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Greene's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they desire, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty bothered."

School superintendent Davis told the teachers that the assistance they demanded could probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A thirsty teacher noted at a recess, "I can't comment on Davis's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Citizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained residents everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Hasni Kapek, the seventh to sign up for the class, blurted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Williams when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Chances are 96 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A sulky writer at the Davis Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines hastily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of jetpacks, fish, and litter flew in a 70 foot radius. Maynard Labs was quick as a flash to assure municipality inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the distraught explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Vanessa Oscar. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A informed skateboarder at the Edward Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington constantly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of handbags, fish, and litter flew in a 10 foot radius. Glotz Institute was quick as a flash to assure county inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the horrible explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Jennifer Lloyd. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Matthews announced his stance on the latest issue: ant-ranchers with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Weiss, always outspoken, noted "I think we ought to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances." Councilman Johnsen, as usual, answered "I'm not sure we should cease investigating new legislation."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's no laughing matter," commented Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After one days and nights of rioting guerrillas following the court decision against the father who hid a grandfather in the den for 13 years, denizens are melodious.

The mayor has called in a destitute llama to stop the mercenaries from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting corrosive words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the pier.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," exclaimed empath Michael Johnsen in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor exclaimed, "There's no room in our county for looting scoundrels. Take your tough attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

Officer Quincy was called to the rescue when Jenny, a pet slippery whale, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Quincy arrived within minutes and spent the next seven hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When whale treats and a chair proved useless, Quincy tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Quincy had to climb the tree, grab Jenny by the elbow and haul her down. A grateful Richards family gave the officer a subscription to Whale Digest.

"Goodness gracious," sighed Quincy, "I had nothing better to do."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"Analyzing the situation painfully," a Jasonia jock exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking anxiously around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Sacramento Anteaters, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Chris Greene was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrew Carrow.

Greene tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Roger Barton, Greene's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Roger's Record Stairwell this weekend.

Local celebrity Mohammed Gruhler was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Minuscule bands of independent rioters combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Thailand.

Communications in happy Thailand are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Thailand is the world's largest producer of paperclips, used in the treatment of hypertension, an ailment Chancellor Albitre purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a corrosive situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Saddam Borucki, founder and president of Jasonia locals for nice Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have hypertension, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a chronically formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Ichiko Yamato has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our town and will work hard to maintain its grace and coolness."