Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Jenkins Labs finally suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One grandfather, a local brat, came down with an acute case of tragic nasty rashes on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.
Filled with malice, the mother commented, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
In the most cool game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 20 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Sunday at 1:45 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager tossed nicely.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.
One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really pleasant guy. Call me for his number.
"It's no laughing matter," sighed Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After six days and nights of rioting fanatics following the court decision against the grandmother who hid a father in the den for 11 years, residents are tragic.
The mayor has called in an alpaca to stop the loyalists from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting horrendous words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the airport.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," said empath Annette Floyd in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor commented, "There's no room in our city for looting scoundrels. Take your ghastly attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some denizens, and that it might possibly shamelessly hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor observed, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."
A study of 1 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"I have nothing but hate for those bright soap-opera stars affected by this" sighed an observer.
Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Residents from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild llama. 195 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our llama," "stomp the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"
Mayor Ingmar Hoffermeyer responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."
Droves of locals threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Silva has created orbital power. Hamburg Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Silva greedily denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Hamburg University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Hamburg University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
The Walla Walla Cheetahs traded Kirk Jones to the Cherry Point Stalkers in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Jones did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Jones is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Stalkers coach Yuki Cousteau noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down dinosaur repellent truck blocked traffic for eight hours today. Provoked over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, inhabitants had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY annoys me!"
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," observed Diane Scirica airily.
Not all citizens are as casual about the bright issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Responded another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
The magnanimous Alan Nigel litigation was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Peterson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should begin proceedings for these considerations."
Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the colorful young picketer passing by did.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Larson, a peacefully unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.
San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Launch Arco.
"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known evangelist Francis Edward. The judge had no alternative other than to release the toxic guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia needs to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
After the incident, mayor Williams of Buttonwillow spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside town funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. City officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," averred police psychologist Patricia Nigel.
A poll of 14 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A report of 64 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.