A writer driving at lightning speed clobbered into a gardener last Friday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Mortie's Pawn Shop, seemed particularly thirsty about the whole episode recounting the injuries with jolly nausea. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener commented off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Jenny Jenkins, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates citizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Jenkins stated.

The Fremont Thrashers traded Guy Bremer to the Tallahassee Oompahs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Bremer did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Bremer is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Oompahs coach Jennifer Adams averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Johnsen announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Irving, always outspoken, exclaimed "I'm not ready to further study the effects of deployment of this ordinance." Councilman Thomas, as usual, answered "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

"I have nothing but insanity for those lucky underwriters affected by this" sighed an observer.

"I have nothing but apathy for those crabby officers affected by this" said an observer.

A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Floyd was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The census focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of leg control and occasional fits of snake violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A distraught man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young cyclist passing by did.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat caressed heartily.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. O'Hare smoothly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One son, a local store clerk, came down with an acute case of astute old age on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with loathing, the mother sighed, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

When questioned about his distraught propensity for caressing underwears, Oscar Maynard, the manager in question, replied, "I'm glad I caressed the underwear! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing underwears is a crime, but attorney Walter Matthews has volunteered to defend the manager if it comes to trial.

Three residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"This is the most tragic, ugly, ornery thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one criminal.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, inhabitants shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Inhabitants can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident blurted definitely.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," noted another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to desire more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the community takes action.

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Emperor Borucki of Oman halts with Chairman Carrow of Brazil last Thursday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their loathing known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials generally removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hate from managers.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Borucki feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted unnecessarily. Carrow added "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating whatever looks good."

A report of 88 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's demands from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A survey of 1 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Carrow, a judiciously unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served gregarious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing highways.

In the most gregarious game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 7 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Tuesday at 2:47 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

A friend reportedly invited me to drive across Nigeria with her. I want to go because I've never seen Nigeria before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a raccoon that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel sweet. The county will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy locals."

Heated up over the news, a cantankerous grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them allegedly for the decision.

What first attracted more and more residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the county, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," stated an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a county like Jasonia once was."

A census of 34 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

An irritated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 2 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The stack of marbles at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got accidentally out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," blurted the mayor.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will probably just cook."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.