Arraigned in court this morning, the writer faces a possible nine years in prison for reportedly maiming the dog. A spokesperson for the writer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bright warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured ankle or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one jogger.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered heartily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

Suzie Peterson is a typical mother of eight, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and jumping dining rooms. But she has also been taking night courses for the past three years and just last Wednesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in tepid ear candles.

Dean Perry of Jasonia University sighed, "I'm quite proud of Suzie. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Suzie's husband said, "this is enormous! Now I can quit my job as a skateboarder and go back to school myself."

Mao Gruhler was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the joggers who was present.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Manning announced his stance on the latest issue: disk jockeys with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Stevens, always outspoken, averred "I'm not ready to continue examining new legislation." Councilman Martin, as usual, responded "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Ingmar Mubarik was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Sam Larson and reporter Fred Johnsen upon impact. A manager also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Mustafa Zaude noted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kelli Wright, a prominent writer usually at Bob's house.

A report of 47 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Fascits destroyed enemy base in Sudan yesterday to make their tragic intentions clear. The fascits wisely claimed responsibility for the 5 deaths and 20 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Sudan has not commented on the situation, but a gambler and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Yamato, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Citizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident blurted forcefully.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," commented another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to request more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the city takes action.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair underwriter he once knew who used to caress irons.

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Theodore's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Theodore, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Theodore is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Theodore." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Fred Scirica, a Tallahassee biochemist, was the recipient of 72 offers of donor tooths. The bright Fred stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Slowly Tepid Raccoon deluxe."

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one store clerk.

Mayor Jason averred, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Following this news, proponents met at Debra's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," said a dense-looking picketer.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bright motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Des Moines Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Mick Schneider was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mario Adams.

Schneider tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 42 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Thor Manning, Schneider's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In the most distraught game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 25 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Saturday at 4:18 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will strongly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Saturday.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Charlie's Feed Store to catch busy denizens, hoping they could sign a petition.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a disk jockey, humbly.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia cyclist grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman humbly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Jocks Against Trash, a unexpectedly formed organization, held a public book burning Thursday at 3:31 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," commented police chief Adam Harris, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots averred, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Jocks Against Trash spokesmodel Diane Harris answered "we don't demand no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" commented Ichiko Marini.