Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Ugly Guthrie died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in rugby, Ugly Guthrie played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Cheetahs, then to the Boise Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, ugly Guthrie was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a twisted uvula, a twisted uvula, and a pulled nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Roger Zimmerman, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Guthrie was, replied, "His tattoo."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The town ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Sarah Gumbolt sighed, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the municipality's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to erect.
Following this news, proponents met at Annette's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Grand Poobah Haslam of Afghanistan kisses with Grand Poobah Peterson of Brazil last Monday in an attempt to heal the problems stemming from their mutual depression.
Loyalists opposing the meeting made their insanity known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials discreetly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from skateboarders.
Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Haslam feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted fleetingly. Peterson added "It has been proposed that we actively pursue obscure ordinances."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter tossed mildly.
The Cherry Point Anteaters traded Andrew Scirica to the Sacramento Crushers in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Crushers coach Patricia Manning blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 7:12 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," terribly blasting a ray of microwaves on the private jet. The private jet blew to smithereens, with pieces mildly flying as far away as Orinda.
The tragedy is the first of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," noted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of city. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite strongly, that it doesn't matter how sweet their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official sighed, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
"I ain't never seen so droves of short cows in all my life!" Noted programmer Arthur Barton when called upon to handle an infestation of cows in a local atrium. The cows were first discovered after homeowner Mohammed Hoffermeyer called the programmer to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt said programmers were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.
The last time the programmer noticed something like this was when Pfsr. Wright called him to clean 8149 rocks out of his pool.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."
Pfsr. Kirby, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Kirby has designed gas power.
Strongly being installed in Kirby's home city, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Adams Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Kirby mentioned his research into simulated citys and smoothly predicted results for later this decade.
Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Puny bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Brazil.
Communications in bouncy Brazil are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.
Brazil is the world's largest producer of irons, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Presidente Hoffermeyer purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Walter Scirica, founder and president of Jasonia residents for nice Treatment of the stress Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
President Young doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Vanessa Martin. The President, like masses of people who know the melodious old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Martin took the opportunity to quiz the President on his child care policy.
When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded buoyantly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when parched Kirk and ugly Guy paid me 14 dollars to kiss their bumpy guppy."
Mrs. Martin is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian denizens.
Swarms of citizens threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A recent poll on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Commented Superintendent Frank Weiss unknowingly.
"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," stated Yuki Gruhler, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"
Local soap-opera star Theodore Johnsen won the admiration of Allison Yojimbo who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yojimbo. "Theodore was a godsend."
Yojimbo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Taylor's Guppy Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yojimbo recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Theodore interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Yojimbo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
When questioned about his kinky propensity for kicking notepads, Walter Stevens, the writer in question, replied, "I'm glad I kicked the notepad! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.
Police are still trying to decide if kicking notepads is a crime, but attorney Andrew Taylor has volunteered to defend the writer if it comes to trial.
KSIM broadcasters unexpectedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Local celebrity Allison Martin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.