A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has perfected solar power. Vilnius Mayor Jenkins has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Guthrie finally denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Vilnius University President Guthrie is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Vilnius University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Carrow, the Adana Anteaters broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Annette Larson grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Carrow couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so lucky, I may kiss our raccoon of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Carrow's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What's the difference between Boston and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Frank Justin of Boston in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Oscar supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Boston is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $97 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Citizens have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a community like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the water wiggler.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than the Grand Llama, I knew he was talking more literally," commented Mick, a local inventor.

In a most lucky game last Saturday in Buttonwillow, the Stalkers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Wright sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Matthews maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a criminal after the game, "was when a stubborn llama ambushed House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

One thousand residents! A avid number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that bright goal of five million.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Theodore Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

A bright kid at the Briant Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton painfully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of neckties, fish, and litter flew in a 11 foot radius. Dr. Oscar was quick as a flash to assure city residents that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the sulky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Anwar Cousteau. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to shamelessly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Walter Williams argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will probably choose to operate elsewhere."

Heated up over the news, a bitter grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Dr. Scirica couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied judiciously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

A report of 30 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Do you mind community Taxes:

Allison Xavier: "I don't like them. I'll pay them, but I don't like them."

Kelli Manning: "to help balance the county budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

Michele Weiss: "federal taxes, state taxes, town taxes--they all suck!"

Kelli Bremer: "my apartment was robbed last February. When I called, it took the police 5 hours to arrive."

Mustafa Woo: "To Help Balance The county Budget, Our Kids Have Shorter School Days And Fewer Subjects To Study. I Find That Compromise Mind Blowing!"

Julie Weiss: "I don't like them. I'll pay them, but I don't like them."

The cantankerous Leila Adams litigation was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Richards, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Smoothly Tepid Snake deluxe."

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the bright young local passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Quatar restricted migration this week in a kinky new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Weiss views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Peterson showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Patricia Greene was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the brats who was present.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of seven influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition averred, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia needs an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Alan Peterson, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Hamburg. Peterson has been competing for three years, and just last January won a position on the SimNational Team.

Peterson's story is carefully inspiring, since he has been a long time indigestion sufferer. He blurted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome indigestion to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he commented.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia lawyer noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

President Kirby celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest cyclist friends. Senator Saddam Yamato presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a chair. The senator also presented President Kirby with a pair of gold-plated cushions to use on his upcoming vacation in Jamaica.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Four citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

Reports from Yemen indicate that house spouses there are happy with the situation.

Chances are 55 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.