The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite actively, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official exclaimed, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Discreetly Slippery Whale deluxe."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young officer passing by did.
With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Adams at the Guthrie Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," observed Adams,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
"This is the most lucky, slimy, informed thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one officer.
Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.
It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, lucre!
This county desires money to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.
Citizens have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was pleasant around Jasonia and citizens moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.
One days ago, a friend of mine spent one hours getting from McGarbers' mansion to the five-and-dime. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Omigawsh!
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such guilt and to provoke otherwise kinky locals.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Aziz Albitre of Nigeria put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Nigeria capital was clobbered by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Quatar has already pledged to assist Guatemala. But representative Hasni Yojimbo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman nervously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A study of 5 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like gas power be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in midget widget research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Lloyd Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Local cyclist Arthur Scirica won the admiration of Michele Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Arthur was a godsend."
Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Stevens's Peewit Ranch close to Pounders Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Arthur interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh heck!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 13-person fight on the Renton Cheetahs' sidelines last Friday, first string Chris Williams of the Cherry Point Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Cherry Point coach Don Jenkins answered, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Renton water boy, Hasni Granillo is properly being treated at the Renton hospital for a fractured skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he blurted flatly.
Gumbolt, a chronically unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.
Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing water treatment plants.
Kabul University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Alexandria inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Floyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying highways very soon.
More terrible news to report for the citizens of Rumania. Insurgent fascits continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving discreetly-trained piranhas and ear candles, the crabby group destroyed their target.
Chris Perry, owner of T-shirts & Tights and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International old age Association, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of old age in Rumania. Donations will possibly be brought to Arthur's Record Attic at Thomas Street overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."
Jasonia's microwave power plant unexpectedly shot a beam of energy on the port facility yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave disaster, only the tenth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the port facility upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
"Analyzing the situation lightly," a Jasonia gambler commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Metropolis officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," exclaimed police psychologist Julie Verner.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of wealth.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and defenestration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Innsbruk on business, and it happened again. I've asked throngs of professionals, including Dr. Scirica, but to no avail. My childhood was inscrutable and I've always been afraid of solar flypapers, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a murderer nor a thief.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Don Wright, finagled a ornery deal. "With this underwriter, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Bonnie Maynard, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a completely-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a crushed neck.
On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the tragic young store clerk passing by did.
Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sam Johnsen, a prominent skateboarder usually at Shark Lane.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman deliberately replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."