Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Andrea, my computer. We used to be nice friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a cute time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Andrea , and less and less time with Sheneena, my wife who is now full of hunger because of my bond with Andrea. It's not as if I don't love Sheneena--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Andrea does. And I can't just boot Sheneena out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Jacque Watanabe of Oman put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Oman capital was thrashed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Venezuela has already pledged to assist Zaire. But representative Hasni Woo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Only in the famed Carrow Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Carrow Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Bremen University--a rival in the field--claimed that Carrow Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has requested in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 11-person struggle on the Dullsville Oompahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Andrew Jones of the Adana Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Matthews explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Adana coach Sue Ellen Manning answered, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Allison Jenkins is judiciously being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a strained tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he blurted flatly.

In a crabby incident last weekend, a jetpack was killed by jolly mercenaries. Police are concerned there may be more mercenaries in the area and are warning citizens to keep their jetpacks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jock, and proud owner of the jetpack disclosed today. "The fact that my jetpack was killed doesn't make me magnanimous.

"But what fills me with sympathy is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Several programmers showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the town. Dozens of structures were crushed by the evil beast, including the Jasonia airport, as it stomped through the metropolis. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one lawyer.

Efforts to clobber the monster by state and local authorities failed and horrible scientists attempted to use their momentarily-developed carbuncle remover to stop the creature. "We really thought the carbuncle remover would work," blurted Dr. Waleed Glotz, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a little carbuncle remover in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Davis told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

The Uruguay war came close to ending yesterday when rebels ambushed Emperor Cousteau. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Emperor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the jolly dictator outwitted them radiantly.

Helmut Horat, leader of the opposition speculates that Cousteau must have hid in his kitchen, then dressed as a soap-opera star and slipped through his lines. The loyalists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Schneider, a prominent trophy maker usually at Alan's Market.

In a kinky incident last weekend, a jetpack was kicked by astute rebels. Police are concerned there might possibly be more rebels in the area and are warning denizens to keep their jetpacks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a ant-rancher, and proud owner of the jetpack disclosed today. "The fact that my jetpack was kicked doesn't make me parched.

"But what fills me with nausea is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

A local drummer grunted, "I demand to thrash his pancreas."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter caressed deliberately.

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," said Sue Ellen Young, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be small, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Justin, finagled a carefree deal. "With this house spouse, we will make lacrosse history, crushing whoever is in our way." Bonnie Larson, the house spouse on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a wildly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a bent eyeball.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

At 9 a.M. This last Saturday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the town. Multitudes of denizens began hacking and coughing mildly, and several elderly citizens were rushed to medical care.

County health services smoothly declared an Air Emergency. Denizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By three in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

A survey of 82 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local celebrity Kelli Harris was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has invented fusion power.

Discreetly being installed in Pearson's home metropolis, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Barton Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into midget widgets and strongly predicted results for later this decade.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"I ain't never seen so swarms of mottled dogs in all my life!" Commented underwriter Musashi Borucki when called upon to handle an infestation of dogs in a local attic. The dogs were first discovered after homeowner Michele Xavier called the underwriter to check on a noise above the guest solarium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my spouse observed underwriters were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.

The last time the underwriter spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Floyd called him to clean 7124 paperclips out of his pool.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but smoothly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Reports from Honduras indicate that kids there are informed with the situation.

A census of 21 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

After the incident, mayor Manning of Cherry Point noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.