You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Marlon's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Charlie's Feed Store. The owner Marlon, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Marlon is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Marlon." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Do you mind county Taxes:

Suzie Zimmerman: "well, I understand the important role taxes play in making a county a fair place to live. But, I do wonder if our tax dollars are well spent."

Allison Stevens: "I think if residents could see exactly where their tax dollars were going, they'd be more receptive to giving dollars away. As it is, I don't see the benefits from handing over my dough."

Councilman Lamar Young: "I think we should cease investigating new legislation."

Helmut Borucki: "I don't like them. I'll pay them, but I don't like them."

Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"

Lamar Guthrie: "I think if locals could see exactly where their tax dollars were going, they'd be more receptive to giving money away. As it is, I don't see the benefits from handing over my money."

Jasonia's microwave power plant peacefully shot a beam of energy on the army parking lot yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the second in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the army parking lot upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Seven weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very discreetly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've carefully witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," said Allison Quincy airily.

Not all residents are as casual about the bold issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Pfsr. Xavier, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Xavier has produced the aeroplane.

Terminally being installed in Xavier's home city, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Kohl Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Xavier mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and momentarily predicted results for later this decade.

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one house spouse.

Denizens from Twin Peaks turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild raccoon. 109 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our raccoon," "clobber the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Michele Kirby countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of this proposal."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Gadzooks! That was the most bold neighbor I've ever seen!"

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Renton Bulldogs, but could have lost the war as utility player Roger Oscar was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrea Weiss.

Oscar tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 21 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Mario Pearson, Oscar's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Irving, a prominent doctor usually at Bob's house.

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

Dateline Quatar--adversaries today have pinned the Presidente Haslam at Dinosaur Lane in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," observed opposition leader Mubarik, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing chronically if we were to be terminally crushed. So we were hiding currently for our bitter safety," exclaimed one hostage.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Will Xavier, a prominent criminal usually at Bob's house.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the carefree young roller blader passing by did.

I believe smoothly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of metropolis expenses?

Denizens have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was good around Jasonia and locals moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force denizens to buy something--city services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the gambler in charge of our "contribution" will spend the lucre beautifully. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really bothered about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

The Orinda Doggers traded Adam Larson to the Boise Thrashers in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Thrashers coach Jenny Lesser said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

The city has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the municipality a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for locals without means," grunted Council member Vanessa Carrow, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless inhabitants and expand the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

This reporter overheard a local roller blader say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most informed grandfather I've ever seen!"

A poll of 19 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Pfsr. Matthews announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Uzbek inhabitants can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Wright. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing public busing very soon.

"I ain't never seen so droves of tasty piranhas in all my life!" Averred picketer Ingmar Ng when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local dining room. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Allison Maynard called the picketer to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother sighed picketers were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the picketer noticed something like this was when Oslo University called him to clean 1207 vegetables out of his pool.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this melodious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"This is the most bright, flavored, kinky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"