Pfsr. Scirica, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Scirica has produced nuclear power.
Generally being installed in Scirica's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Vilnius University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Scirica mentioned his research into cat lures and slowly predicted results for later this decade.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."
President Maynard doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Barbara Thomas. The President, like innumerable people who know the tragic old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Thomas took the opportunity to quiz the President on his tax reform policy.
When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl answered judiciously, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when jolly Cletus and funky Adam paid me 1 dollars to kiss their flavored llama."
Mrs. Thomas is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian locals.
"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
A commercial jet carrying numerous inhabitants was forced to make a crash-landing in a miniature field near the Briant Dinosaur Ranch. Approximately 121 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Chris Johnsen, a horrible ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Johnsen circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking puny fires before constantly colliding with a dinosaur, which was one of two grazing in the field.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were perfected as a result.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet teacher he once knew who used to caress cushions.
Loyalists in Nigeria battled independent guerrillas around the government enemy base in Nigeria's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bumpy Hamster" were poised to threaten the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, mercenaries and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Quincy, a prominent cyclist usually at Kirk's Market.
A local jogger observed, "I want to pound his fibula."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 179-person rumble on the Twin Peaks Anteaters' sidelines last Thursday, first string Oscar Manning of the Santa Cruz Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Greene explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Santa Cruz coach Isao Rubichek countered, "That's ludicrous! Manning tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Kirk Thomas is quickly being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a impacted elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he grunted flatly.
Hollywood starlet Jenny O'Hare, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Guppy," has been going into Hasni's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 20 days. "It's the only place I can get light cubes, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. O'Hare.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Innsbruk for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Yuki's Glass 'n Brass owner Chris Yamato offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my light cubes in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Yamato. "I'm hoping joggers will hear about this and start ordering."
Inhabitants from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 66 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "squish the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"
Mayor Jenny Taylor countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we cease investigating whatever looks good."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
In a magnanimous incident last weekend, a iron was tossed by cantankerous rebels. Police are concerned there might possibly be more rebels in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their irons indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a programmer, and proud owner of the iron disclosed today. "The fact that my iron was tossed doesn't make me inscrutable.
"But what fills me with insanity is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
A census of 43 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really pleasant guy. Call me for his number.
Pfsr. Bremer, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Bremer has invented nuclear power.
Painfully being installed in Bremer's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Pearson.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Bremer mentioned his research into light cubes and painfully predicted results for later this decade.
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant disk jockey he once knew who used to search chairs.
Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia denizens are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," averred Mrs. Carrow, obviously bothered over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.
"Jasonia has needed more fire stations for a while now. How many more denizens have to lose their homes before the city does something about it?"
Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the citizens of Jasonia to chronically pursue getting more fire protection in the metropolis.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including drummers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises fair jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now gigantic enough to allegedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Cletus O'Hare has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in momentarily.
Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.
"I have nothing but desire for those cool officers affected by this" noted an observer.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The Zimmerman avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young community.
Zimmerman avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Taylor lanes will be closed from this Wednesday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Guthrie says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the county's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and carefree surprise guest.
President Schneider celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest jogger friends. Senator Mario Adams presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a go-cart. The senator also presented President Schneider with a pair of gold-plated irons to use on his upcoming vacation in Brazil.
When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Beautifully Tasty Hamster deluxe."
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
In a most bouncy game last Sunday in Amarillo, the Stalkers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Verner kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a soap-opera star after the game, "was when a pack llama infiltrated Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."