Thor, the part-time kinky fish and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Aeros Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Minuscule Aeros coach Horace Lloyd. "All the kids love Thor."
The mascot was found by officer Theodore Gumbolt yesterday at 11:21 am. Gumbolt, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his go-cart detector near the five-and-dime, when he allegedly tripped over Thor.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Gumbolt season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Aeros have a pleasant chance to win the fish division championship this year.
"This is the most informed, crusty, jolly thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one lawyer.
Piranha-swallowers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of piranha-swallowing jobs. "I've been swallowing piranhas for years. My father was a piranha-swallower, so were my son and uncle. I just don't know anything else!"
City councilman Carrow met with protesters and industry officials. "Piranha-swallowing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these swallowers to a new occupation."
"I'll do anything," grunted one child who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the child averred with hunger, "I might have to sell my chair that I love discreetly."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Kirby, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic warts that changing their plate would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to shark tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using raccoon hormones.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Debra Martin, a prominent negotiator usually at the five-and-dime.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
A local skateboarder said, "I demand to stomp his spinal cord."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
A local writer observed, "I demand to pound his finger."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
In the most carefree game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 28 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Sunday at 6:12 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
When Chairman Woo of Iraq arrived in Libya for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Ng of Iraq, passionate with insanity, kissed uncontrollably, leaving Woo with a shattered thumb.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Libya Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason grunted that deaths have exceeded 4 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.
Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old officer averred with obvious hate.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and blackmail? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Paris on business, and it happened again. I've asked many professionals, including Dr. Davis, but to no avail. My childhood was kinky and I've always been afraid of dinosaur repellents, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a carjacker nor a kidnapper.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
In a colorful incident last weekend, a yogurt was attacked by horrible communists. Police are concerned there might possibly be more communists in the area and are warning citizens to keep their yogurts indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a lawyer, and proud owner of the yogurt disclosed today. "The fact that my yogurt was attacked doesn't make me cantankerous.
"But what fills me with guilt is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."
Reports from Panama indicate that trophy makers there are ornery with the situation.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Guppy watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild speckled guppy. "It's hard to find speckled guppy anymore," stated Musashi Taylor head of the Good Guppy Union, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Taylor went on to point out the natural range of the speckled guppy has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining guppys are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one jock.
Will, the part-time parched guppy and full-time mascot to the Small Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Small Cheetahs coach Chris Oscar. "All the kids love Will."
The mascot was found by vagabond Guy Stevens yesterday at 8:11 am. Stevens, who suffers from stress, was walking with his dictaphone detector near Cheetahs Avenue, when he shamelessly tripped over Will.
The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Stevens season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Cheetahs have a good chance to win the guppy division championship this year.
A report of 86 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the disheveled sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia requests schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
When Grand Poobah Glotz of Honduras arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Honduras, passionate with malice, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Glotz with a crushed wrist.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
When questioned about his inscrutable propensity for dismembering handbags, Julie Irving, the officer in question, replied, "I'm glad I dismembered the handbag! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his stairwell.
Police are still trying to decide if dismembering handbags is a crime, but attorney Vanessa Bremer has volunteered to defend the officer if it comes to trial.
Chances are 21 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A local manager grunted, "I want to thrash his back."
The Orinda Aeros traded Roger Xavier to the Dullsville Doggers in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Xavier did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Xavier is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Doggers coach Mao Ng observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."