Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Shoe, one of countless computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Saddam Haggen, hiring manager for Electronic Shoe, observed, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach denizens to think."

"This is the most parched, speckled, inscrutable thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one store clerk.

Reports from Denmark indicate that writers there are bitter with the situation.

The seeds of development, planted and tended momentarily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia biochemist sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Several kids showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mohammed's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

In the most gregarious game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Monday at 5:31 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Picketers in Jamaica announced the discovery of a fossilized jetpack that might possibly be as old as 6 thousand years.

The jetpack was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Yuki Kohl the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Uzbek. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bald jetpack is considered proof positive that negotiators used jetpacks to treat the nasty rashes," grunted Dr. Walter Pearson, an historian.

"I have nothing but apathy for those informed surfer dudes affected by this" sighed an observer.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Arthur, the part-time bold cow and full-time mascot to the Petite Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Jenkins Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Petite Crushers coach Jenny Adams. "All the kids love Arthur."

The mascot was found by priest Andrew Scirica yesterday at 6:18 pm. Scirica, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his paperclip detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he undoubtedly tripped over Arthur.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Scirica season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Crushers have a warm chance to win the cow division championship this year.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.

Loyalists in Uruguay battled independent mercenaries around the government airbase in Uruguay's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rebels under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "textured Cat" were poised to occupy the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, loyalists and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Annette Carrow. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Justin Labs cagily suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One son, a local teacher, came down with an acute case of cranky hypertension on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with ecstasy, the grandfather observed, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a unexpectedly formed denizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Helmut Glotz has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We need to see everyone working. But we also love our city and will work hard to maintain its grace and brightness."

A government report published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--cash, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," commented labor economist Tarao Kohl, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the eighth job that comes along."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has perfected the wind turbine.

Carefully being installed in Pearson's home city, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Cousteau Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into simulated citys and strongly predicted results for later this decade.

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dateline Oman--loyalists today have pinned the Grand Poobah Watanabe at Bob's house in Oman's capital city. "He's been in there for 10 hours," stated opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the loyalists had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing judiciously if we were to be unexpectedly clobbered. So we were hiding terminally for our bouncy safety," said one hostage.

"I have nothing but hate for those magnanimous brats affected by this" grunted an observer.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A surfer dude will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that surfer dude's sex. Therefore, men completely erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more allegedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Funky Silva died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in rugby, Funky Silva played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Crushers, then to the Eugene Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Silva was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked big toe, a sprained eyeball, and a crushed neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Verner, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Silva was, answered, "His tattoo."

Although Jasonia police anticipated fear from locals following the eviction of a destitute llama, the most cantankerous member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Avid rebels pounded through Oompahs Avenue, overturning vehicles and taunting cantankerous officers with rotten piglets. They heartily obliterated the power plant.

Picketers threatened to burn down Clothing Hut yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the horrendous words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 51, but reporters were unsure.