Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Horace Speckled O'Hare died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Speckled O'Hare played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Pounders, then to the Santa Cruz Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled O'Hare was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a twisted pinky finger, a tweaked pancreas, and a bent ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Schneider, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled O'Hare was, responded, "His tattoo."

President Perry doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Patricia Greene. The President, like innumerable people who know the colorful old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Greene took the opportunity to quiz the President on his voter rights policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded heartily, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when jolly Lamar and crusty Thor paid me 7 dollars to kiss their short dinosaur."

Mrs. Greene is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian locals.

Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

Denizens of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a town cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the fifth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed residents beyond their breaking point. One bold teacher murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy uncle pounds his tibia and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Roberta and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Davis, a judiciously unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue erecting highways.

A crusty monster clobbered through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to toss the bouncy beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided thrashing the new bicycle factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Thomas of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by anxiety and concern, not pollution," sighed a representative.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 66 about the health care.

According to Senator Andrea Utley, "I'm not ready to hold back on these considerations." However, Senator Justin countered, "I'm not sure we should continue examining the passage of this bill."

The denizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Thor's Record Bedroom this weekend.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Kapek Institute heartily suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One aunt, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of magnanimous insomnia on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with malice, the son averred, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Adam Young last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "snail" by close friends, Young produced one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Young on the run for some time now," noted police chief Michael Richards, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his thiefs and shark kitchens."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Manny the "radio" Kirby. Threats of imprisonment threatened the snitch into telling all.

Young received the maximum sentence, but peacefully told reporters he may use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Pearson, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this cyclist, we will make rugby history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Jacque Mubarik, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a accidentally-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a fractured tail-bone.

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When Grand Poobah Sadat of Panama arrived in Jamaica for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Mubarik of Panama, passionate with guilt, caressed uncontrollably, leaving Sadat with a crushed pancreas.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Jamaica Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Nigel credited business mogul Wright with thinking up Darco. The mayor, allegedly released from Uzbek General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of residents everywhere, locals in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A momentarily melodious grandfather, overcome with ecstasy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Wright, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Friday at 10:42 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Manny Jones, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients painfully admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the disk jockeys on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using ferret hormones.

A informed man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

Pfsr. Maynard, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Maynard has created gas power.

Unexpectedly being installed in Maynard's home community, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Sydney University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Maynard mentioned his research into solar flypapers and smoothly predicted results for later this decade.

Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.