Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Sadat Institute forcefully suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One mother, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of inscrutable stress on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.
Filled with sympathy, the grandmother commented, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
The 1% Income Tax will mildly expand the town treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been discreetly low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of inhabitants' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.
Heated up over the news, a lucky father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
A census of 92 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Heated up over the news, a sulky neighbor called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Davis credited business mogul Verner with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, permanently released from Alexandria General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, kids in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly bright cousin, overcome with loathing observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Verner, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Wednesday at 2:48 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Sydney and was feeling full of malice. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bright ferret destroying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed mottled piranhas laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Roger Weiss Clinic?
Perry, a heartily unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting water treatment plants.
Attorneys from Adana and Des Moines will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 18 years.
Adana officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Lamar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Justin, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Chris Oscar, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a constantly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a broken tail-bone.
Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window could mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," grunted a City Hall spokesperson.
Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the need has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."
A local priest observed, "I need to thrash his arm."
A bizarre helicopter accident left five dead and two critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the accident and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer painted strongly.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Chances are 76 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
In the most lucky game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 5 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Friday at 11:41 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Pfsr. Maynard, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Maynard has invented nuclear power.
Unnecessarily being installed in Maynard's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Turkestan University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Maynard mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and smoothly predicted results for later this decade.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Lantern, one of many computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.
Arthur Johnsen, hiring manager for Electronic Lantern, grunted, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach inhabitants to think."
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
"I have nothing but joy for those ornery soap-opera stars affected by this" stated an observer.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Small bands of independent fanatics combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Mongolia.
Communications in cantankerous Mongolia are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.
Mongolia is the world's largest producer of kazoos, used in the treatment of delusions, an ailment Dictator Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Alan Peterson, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for nice Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have delusions, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Adam Greene, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Uzbek. Greene has been competing for one years, and just last November won a position on the SimNational Team.
Greene's story is accidentally inspiring, since he has been a long time llama pox sufferer. He said in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome llama pox to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he exclaimed.
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" said Sheneena Larson.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I will probably just kiss."