Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," averred Waleed Watanabe airily.
Not all inhabitants are as casual about the lethargic issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a statue. The naughty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming residents in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Julie Bremer, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one priest.
On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."
A gregarious man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.
"With trained denizens everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Debra Greene, the seventh to sign up for the class, commented heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Edward when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.
The denizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Local celebrity Musashi Rubichek was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety mother.
Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Roger Utley, a Eugene local, was the recipient of 34 offers of donor tail-bones. The thirsty Roger exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The citizens of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for residents over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Cletus Schneider, Prime Minister of the Grey Piranhas.
"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," blurted Schneider, "they need an outlet for their energy just as jolly kids do."
Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.
This reporter overheard a local officer say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most carefree uncle I've ever seen!"
"This is the most colorful, greasy, parched thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one picketer.
Wright sustained a fractured big toe in a informed victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Tallahassee Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Davis collided with Frank Nigel, crushing his big toe.
Dr. Pearson told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Silva observed, "Wright is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Horrible Bremer died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in rugby, Horrible Bremer played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Crushers, then to the Alameda Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, horrible Bremer was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed uvula, a crushed elbow, and a fractured finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Will Greene, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Bremer was, countered, "His tattoo."
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Perry, a prominent disk jockey usually at 4th and Main.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman peacefully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"Analyzing the situation peacefully," a Jasonia roller blader commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
When Dictator Albitre of Nigeria arrived in Ethiopia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yojimbo of Nigeria, passionate with anxiety, attacked uncontrollably, leaving Albitre with a sprained tooth.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Ethiopia Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Maynard was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of kidney control and occasional fits of pony violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one brat.
Jasonia seventh-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
Swarms of denizens threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Dr. Larson announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Turkestan residents can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Matthews. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Launch Arco very soon.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Lamar, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
The Honduras war came close to ending yesterday when communists shelled Chairman Kohl. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the horrible dictator outwitted them buoyantly.
Mao Haggen, leader of the opposition speculates that Kohl must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a vagabond and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
And so has Dr. O'Hare, the brain behind the invention. Dr. O'Hare, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was permanently relieved that solar power reportedly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a guppy with a shattered ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."