The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a unnecessarily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Noted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Davis, a prominent biochemist usually at Aeros Avenue.

Dr. Jenkins couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered heartily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

Is it hard finding Work:

Jennifer Davis: "it's extremely hard to find work. I can't think of one kind of job that's easy to get. Even fast food places have more applicants than positions available.

Debra Irving: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Andrea Larson: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found four of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."

Tarao Watanabe: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Patricia Scirica: "I work at a mortgage company and I have to say things are getting scary. We are foreclosing more mortgages every month. If we can't sell some of these houses, then I'll be out of work."

Lamar Jenkins: "all you request to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of locals at home--and it's not because they want to be."

Hoffermeyer Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Houston citizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our sweet county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Lloyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing water treatment plants very soon.

Officer Williams was called to the rescue when Leila, a pet beautiful snake, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Williams arrived within minutes and spent the next three hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When snake treats and a paperclip proved useless, Williams tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Williams had to climb the tree, grab Leila by the kidney and haul her down. A grateful Gumbolt family gave the officer a subscription to Snake Digest.

"%$*#@&#*," Commented Williams, "I had nothing better to do."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Flavored Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in lacrosse, Flavored Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Anteaters, then to the Dullsville Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Justin was among football's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked neck, a fractured elbow, and a crushed skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Adams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Justin was, responded, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pancreas. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Verner, the Orinda Anteaters broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Patricia Martin averred, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Verner couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so tragic, I will possibly kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Verner's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local surfer dude blurted, "I desire to smash his neck."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including joggers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises good jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now enormous enough to quickly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Don Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in allegedly.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

After the incident, mayor Irving of Tallahassee observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.

The horrendous hurricane Vanessa smashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 247 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Vanessa swept through, destroying among other items a water tower.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Cletus Thomas, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia vagabond grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Habid Borucki is at the center of a growing political crisis. Venezuela claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Guatemala has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Venezuela and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Helmut Hussein, "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Hasni Rubichek responded "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for new legislation." He later added, "It seems to me like a good idea to actively pursue alternate proposals."

"What's the difference between Innsbruk and Edinborough?" Asked business tycoon Don Floyd of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though mildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Jenkins supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Pearson, a reportedly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing highways.

The cool Sheneena Perry suit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Wright, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on this proposal."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I may just attack."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman wisely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Pfsr. Barton announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Kabul found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Kabul inhabitants can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our fair city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Kabul Mayor Larson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Forest Arco very soon.

Pfsr. Oscar, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Oscar has created orbital power.

Terminally being installed in Oscar's home city, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Verner Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Oscar mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and allegedly predicted results for later this decade.

House spouses everywhere jumped enthusiastically at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," commented one.