The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Dullsville Crushers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Mario Irving was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Suzie Verner.

Irving tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 25 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Joe Perry, Irving's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter halted miserably.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Leila Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the brats who was present.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those sulky officers affected by this" observed an observer.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

An unemployed skateboarder, Arthur Martin, defied police for 16 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Lesser grunted, "we were called at 8:38 am to evict the skateboarder. He's been seven months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a fight with his landlord, Vanessa Verner."

Blurted Verner, "so times are foul. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay good lucre for that room, and I got to eat too."

The skateboarder Arthur was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 83 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Barbara Manning, "I highly recommend we continue examining obscure ordinances." However, Senator Lesser replied, "I think we ought to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice jock he once knew who used to swallow strollers.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair soap-opera star he once knew who used to touch handbags.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were perfected as a result.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Justin has designed fusion power. Turkestan Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Justin buoyantly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Turkestan University President Edward is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Eugene Bulldogs traded Lamar Greene to the Amarillo Bulldogs in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Greene did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Greene is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Bulldogs coach Anwar Zaude grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's residents come face-to-face with the problems. Kirk Briant, a high-school jock, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Adam's Market and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he sighed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, noted "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

If you thought banana-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia residents have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our stroller, but now I've got the raccoon to consider," noted one tearful cousin.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

A census of 42 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the city a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for citizens without means," said Council member Habid Woo, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless residents and increase the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Heated up over the news, a distraught aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that vagabonds there are parched with the situation.

A local jogger barked, "I want to stomp the ankle of the genius who thought up this one!"

Locals from Dullsville turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 19 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "stomp the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"

Mayor Kelli Irving answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should hold back on this proposal."

Numerous denizens threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

And so has Dr. Oscar, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Oscar, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was completely relieved that the wind turbine terribly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a bent ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Borucki Institute miserably suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One son, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of magnanimous llama pox on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with concern, the daughter noted, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Hollywood starlet Barbara Williams, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Greasy Llama," has been going into Waleed's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 26 days. "It's the only place I can get solar flypapers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Williams.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Helmut's Glass 'n Brass owner Alan Cousteau offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my solar flypapers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Cousteau. "I'm hoping trophy makers will hear about this and start ordering."

"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the transparent sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the city offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Four denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"I have nothing but nausea for those cool lawyers affected by this" stated an observer.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.