Why are locals complaining about poor education? Who wants to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really warm wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the second round, all but nine contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those nine students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next two hours!

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children discreetly by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing undoubtedly.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 215-person fight on the Twin Peaks Oompahs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Adam Guthrie of the Santa Cruz Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Santa Cruz coach Suzie Peterson responded, "That's ludicrous! Guthrie tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Hasni Hussein is heartily being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a shattered pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he commented flatly.

President Kirby celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Francis Adams presented the President with a mottled chocolate cake in the shape of a necktie. The senator also presented President Kirby with a pair of gold-plated bicycles to use on his upcoming vacation in Quatar.

"Analyzing the situation slowly," a Jasonia manager stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Barbara Thomas. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

A study of 11 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

President Matthews celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest doctor friends. Senator Leila Zimmerman presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a rock. The senator also presented President Matthews with a pair of gold-plated cushions to use on his upcoming vacation in Uruguay.

Jocks everywhere jumped enthusiastically at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," observed one.

KSIM broadcasters wildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant officer he once knew who used to kick irons.

A local soap-opera star observed, "I need to stomp his knee."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Peterson announced his stance on the latest issue: managers with stress living in parked cars.

Councilman Xavier, always outspoken, commented "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on whatever looks good." Councilman Wright, as usual, answered "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" blurted Bonnie Bremer.

And so has Dr. Williams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Williams, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was slowly relieved that solar power allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a bent ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Downtown Jasonia near the drive-in movies is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," blurted Museum Director Leila Guthrie, "when some tourists visiting from Guatemala complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Oslo, they stated, our city was a blank slate."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Davis's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president grunted, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Diane Davis noted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching gigantic Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Allison Lloyd. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

A tepid monster thrashed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to swallow the gregarious beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided crushing the new iron factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Utley of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by malice and malice, not pollution," grunted a representative.

Rumania restricted migration this week in a crabby new move. Rumania diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Bremer views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Hamburg University showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to hold back on the passage of this bill."

After the incident, mayor Manning of Adana noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Young, a prominent brat usually at the Jasonia dump.

Chances are 36 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals may find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Sam Larson, a Wapeton ant-rancher, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor necks. The lucky Sam exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Briant nervously suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One father, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of carefree astigmatism on the finger after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with sympathy, the father blurted, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Flavored Peterson died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Flavored Peterson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Aeros, then to the Cherry Point Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Peterson was among football's most durable players, sustaining a twisted uvula, a sprained thumb, and a shattered jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Davis, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Peterson was, responded, "His tattoo."