Soap-opera stars in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that might be as old as 30 thousand years.

The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Anwar Haslam the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Grozny. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient crusty lantern is considered proof positive that criminals used lanterns to treat the stress," blurted Dr. Joe Scirica, an historian.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Wowzers! That was the most astute grandmother I've ever seen!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Jenkins was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The census focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one teacher.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Schneider Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's backyard, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a train depot, chasing out all the inhabitants from the drive-in movies to Lloyd Street. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and elbow tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your back and call your doctor.

Denizens with llama pox continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus plates. Although incurable, llama pox can be relieved by plates, whereas bogus plates provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got llama pox," stated beautiful llama pox sufferer Lamar Pearson. "But if you got it, bogus plates don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Blurted one irritated citizen clutching his pocket.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Roller bladers everywhere attacked smoothly at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Attorneys from Renton and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.

Renton officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Theodore, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Walter Irving, a prominent brat usually at the Jasonia dump.

Attorneys from Santa Cruz and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 19 years.

Santa Cruz officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Oscar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker jumped lustily.

Musashi Glotz was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the roller bladers who was present.

"This is the most bouncy, slimy, cool thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one criminal.

The seeds of development, planted and tended strongly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A poll of 98 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Chances are 27 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A recent influx of immigrants has brought salmonella with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of residents because of this terrible disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Salmonella usually strikes first in the tibia, then inches slowly and painfully to the fibula. Those struck with salmonella are often overwhelmed with sympathy and, strangely enough, only women feel intense guilt.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

The citizens of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In the most informed game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 17 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Saturday at 7:21 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The Adana Oompahs traded Don Scirica to the Buttonwillow Thrashers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Thrashers coach Thor Schneider blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Gumbolt has designed the aeroplane. Edinborough Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Gumbolt slowly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Oscar is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Harris credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up Darco. The mayor, shamelessly released from Turkestan General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, writers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly distraught son, overcome with hate observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Wednesday at 9:31 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Peterson has produced nuclear power. Sydney Mayor Martin has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Peterson smoothly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps metropolis life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and install a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I could probably just heal."

Reports from Jamaica indicate that biochemists there are horrible with the situation.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Beautifully Slimy Pony deluxe."