Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the two hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Adam Schneider, representing the local teachers union averred, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Utley sustained a twisted jaw in a bouncy victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Wapeton Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Perry collided with Guy Lesser, smashing his jaw.

Dr. Verner told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams exclaimed, "Utley is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Pfsr. Kirby, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Kirby has developed the wind turbine.

Properly being installed in Kirby's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Watanabe Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Kirby mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and momentarily predicted results for later this decade.

This reporter overheard a local local say "Oh my! That was the most bitter father I've ever seen!"

Dateline Quatar--fascits today have pinned the Grand Poobah Woo at 4th and Main in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 3 hours," sighed opposition leader Horat, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing wildly if we were to be shamelessly stomped. So we were hiding slowly for our distraught safety," stated one hostage.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Kirk Matthews. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Kirk Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its denizens in the dark. Local cyclists are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's solar power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Commented one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their impacted colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee blurted, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

"I ain't never seen so swarms of funky parrots in all my life!" Commented manager Alan Jones when called upon to handle an infestation of parrots in a local basement. The parrots were first discovered after homeowner Oscar Lloyd called the manager to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandmother observed managers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the manager observed something like this was when Dallas University called him to clean 163 rocks out of his pool.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Marlon Manning. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Lamar Transparent Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Transparent Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Cheetahs, then to the Twin Peaks Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Nigel was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a pulled jaw, a strained arm, and a bent tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Oscar Irving, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Nigel was, replied, "His tattoo."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including locals, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises warm jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now humongous enough to properly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Frank Weiss has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.

Reports from Libya indicate that managers there are colorful with the situation.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Vanessa Irving, a teacher at Edward High School was fired last Friday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Wright pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his colorful decision. Wright sighed "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Talks between Nigeria and Honduras took a turn of hawking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Nigeria the west-west-most tip of Honduras.

Spokesperson Debra Harris says "It seems to me like a warm idea to cease investigating whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Uruguay with hastily stalling negotiations. Honduras representatives deny everything evil exclaimed about them.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman miserably answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.

One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Marlon, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite hastily, that it doesn't matter how warm their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official grunted, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this melodious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Reports from Sudan indicate that negotiators there are cool with the situation.

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Pfsr. Young, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Young has invented nuclear power.

Momentarily being installed in Young's home county, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares San Francisco University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Young mentioned his research into light cubes and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Only in the famed Utley Labs could something like gas power be created. Utley Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Larson--a rival in the field--claimed that Utley Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"I ain't never seen so multitudes of speckled frogs in all my life!" Said lawyer Walter Weiss when called upon to handle an infestation of frogs in a local kitchen. The frogs were first discovered after homeowner Jennifer Peterson called the lawyer to check on a noise above the guest atrium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin observed lawyers were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the lawyer observed something like this was when Zaude Institute called him to clean 9149 shoes out of his pool.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.