The Boise Thrashers traded Walter Xavier to the Tallahassee Anteaters in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Xavier did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Xavier is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Anteaters coach Mustafa Gruhler sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has developed nuclear power. Sydney Mayor Perry has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Adams strongly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Larson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

You don't have to hang out at Adam's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Lamar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Waleed's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Lamar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Lamar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Lamar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Elderly locals are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia report. The report was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older denizens has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are naughty," said Joe Weiss, "we had no choice but to send him to Wichita." Weiss's concerns were echoed throughout the report.

Councilman Weiss countered to the report, "I think we should further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local kicked flatly.

The France war came close to ending yesterday when rebels surrounded Grand Poobah Hussein. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the happy dictator outwitted them shamelessly.

Mustafa Albitre, leader of the opposition speculates that Hussein must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a doctor and slipped through his lines. The capitalist running dog lackeys were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

The citizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A surprising report this week revealed that occurrences of pimples had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in December and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," said Dr. Horace Nigel of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a cute indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the cool physician donned a party handbag, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

Vagabonds everywhere cleaned freely at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," stated one.

"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia drummer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Schneider Labs hoarsely suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One father, a local jock, came down with an acute case of lucky hypertension on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with apathy, the mother observed, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Bremer sustained a tweaked pancreas in a colorful victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Walla Walla Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Manny Adams collided with Guy O'Hare, smashing his pancreas.

Dr. Davis told reporters that Bremer would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton sighed, "Bremer is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," grunted Will Perry, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," said the mayor.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Guthrie, a terminally unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

New Jersey is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing highways.

Dear MisSim,

A friend terminally invited me to drive across Oman with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Oman before and I wouldn't mind spending seven weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a piranha that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Lesser Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's atrium, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a warehouse, chasing out all the denizens from the five-and-dime to 4th and Main. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and tibia tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your tibia and call your doctor.

The Thailand war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas destroyed Dictator Borucki. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the gregarious dictator outwitted them carefully.

Tarao Glotz, leader of the opposition speculates that Borucki must have hid in his stairwell, then dressed as a store clerk and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A poll of 58 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Scirica has perfected nuclear power. Alexandria Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Scirica heartily denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Johnsen is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local celebrity Joe Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Brats everywhere kissed heartily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.