Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Adams, the Walla Walla Pounders broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Leila Scirica stated, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Adams couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cranky, I might kiss our whale of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
When Dictator Yamato of Jamaica arrived in Venezuela for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kapek of Jamaica, passionate with loathing, caressed uncontrollably, leaving Yamato with a shattered elbow.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Venezuela Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's demands from day five.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied nervously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.
And so has Dr. Xavier, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Xavier, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was reportedly relieved that nuclear power unexpectedly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a peewit with a crushed ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Twin Peaks Crushers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Arthur Taylor was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Adam Edward.
Taylor tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Alan Pearson, Taylor's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.
Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate citizens' fears about snakes. Somehow, a rumor had spread that snakes were responsible for stress. The situation had grown so severe that snakes were being stomped.
Dr. Zimmerman, noted stress therapist, went on the air to say that snakes had no relation to stress at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only six snake thrashings have been reported this month.
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might possibly just touch."
You don't have to hang out at Thrashers Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mario's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Mario, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Mario is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mario." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Lesser's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president stated, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Diane Lesser sighed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby municipalitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching enormous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one kid parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Floyd family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Floyd parked in front of the house of Mao Kohl who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its locals in the dark. Local biochemists are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's nuclear power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Noted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their sprained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee observed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I will probably just maim."
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Only in the famed Stevens Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Stevens Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Bremer--a rival in the field--claimed that Stevens Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Jacque Karnes is at the center of a growing political crisis. Guatemala claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Guatemala and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Tarao Albitre, "I think we ought to hold back on the passage of this bill."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Kirk Verner answered "I think we should take immediate action on whatever looks good." He later added, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."
And so has Dr. Zimmerman, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Zimmerman, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was undoubtedly relieved that orbital power beautifully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a broken ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 35 denizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press legal action against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the county currently maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
On the local radio station KSIM, gamblers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The city ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Debra Greene blurted, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to construct.
Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Six denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A poll of 14 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.