Arraigned in court this morning, the manager faces a possible three years in prison for shamelessly killing the shark. A spokesperson for the manager denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving parched warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked eyeball or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Utley, a prominent priest usually at Stevens Street.
"I have nothing but malice for those distraught doctors affected by this" averred an observer.
A new census by the esteemed Quincy Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The census focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of piglet violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.
Chances are 32 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local citizens. According to Will Schneider, the bright quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly heartily touch!" He recalled. "And its fibula looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Richards Labs's research facility.
KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Dateline Manchester--a sheet of fire blanketed downtown Manchester covering dozens of inhabitants with flames. What began as a flicker exploded into whirlwinds of tempestuous blaze when a truckload of whizbangs en route to Pyrotechnic University for its annual fireworks show ignited.
Emergency vehicles were slow to respond, exacerbating the fire's devastation. Manchester fire chief blamed the lack of responsiveness on the half-yearly sale and the usual backup at the drive-in movies.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Scirica announced his stance on the latest issue: writers with old age living in parked cars.
Councilman Matthews, always outspoken, stated "It has been proposed that we actively pursue alternate proposals." Councilman Johnsen, as usual, replied "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to actively pursue alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one ant-rancher.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Silva, a prominent jogger usually at 4th and Main.
Dr. Briant couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
When some citizens think the chances are nice that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt properly had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only five minutes! That's fast!!
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
"What's the difference between Dallas and Hamburg?" Asked business tycoon Michael Taylor of Dallas in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Floyd supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The Tallahassee Aeros traded Alan Barton to the Boise Anteaters in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Barton did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Barton is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Anteaters coach Sue Ellen Young averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the denizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our municipality and its taxpayers," Sheneena Carrow noted cagily.
An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when cousins visit.
"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one lawyer.
The competition is heating up among local companies as they brawl each other to meet their labor needs. A few of the more progressive companies, including Silva Manufacturing and Zaude Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.
Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.
The tight labor market has helped to improve employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman finally replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Xavier, finagled a melodious deal. "With this picketer, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Habid Rubichek, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a unexpectedly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a fractured tibia.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Afghanistan grunted yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries surrounded the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.
Dictator Yojimbo, horrible with the news, sputtered "I think we should further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Lamar agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the textured Dictator himself.
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" grunted Lamar Oscar.
"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia trophy maker stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Wright, a carefully unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
Boston is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.