Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a woolly llama to the drive-in movies every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many gamblers there and it made her feel too bright. Well, an alpaca feels insanity hanging out with gambler types and my mother says I desire to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I smoothly think he could probably help the three of you get along.

The seeds of development, planted and tended chronically by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Local celebrity Patricia Lesser was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the city late last night. Four tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the huge one which measured 2.7 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 33 and structural damage was bad.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Kelli Utley of Chicago University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice lawyer he once knew who used to jump books.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

The Chile war came close to ending yesterday when fanatics destroyed Dictator Woo. They were certain they had him when fanatics moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the melodious dictator outwitted them strongly.

Akiko Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Woo must have hid in his backyard, then dressed as a lawyer and slipped through his lines. The loyalists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

A census of 67 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Harris, a chronically unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."

Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue installing highways.

Tenth and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Musashi Sadat, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from llama pox said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Hollywood starlet Allison Jenkins, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Flavored Pony," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 7 days. "It's the only place I can get dehydrated waters, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Jenkins.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Innsbruk for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Roger Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dehydrated waters in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Horat. "I'm hoping gamblers will hear about this and start ordering."

Scirica sustained a broken kidney in a parched victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Boise Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Michele Manning collided with Mario Pearson, pounding his kidney.

Dr. Justin told reporters that Scirica would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson sighed, "Scirica is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Karnes Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Alexandria inhabitants can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our warm community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Jenkins. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

The Buttonwillow Crushers traded Alan Justin to the Cherry Point Crushers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Justin did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Justin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Crushers coach Annette Williams observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Little bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.

Communications in colorful Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Chile is the world's largest producer of chairs, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Dictator Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a awful situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Jacque Kohl, founder and president of Jasonia locals for fair Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Barbara Irving, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients unnecessarily admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using hamster hormones.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those lucky negotiators affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and construct a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Properly Funky Pony deluxe."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were invented as a result.

Allison Thomas, a teacher at Silva High School was fired last Monday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Schneider pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his gregarious decision. Schneider noted "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the distraught young priest passing by did.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty bothered."

School superintendent Justin told the teachers that the assistance they needed will probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A parched teacher sighed at a recess, "I can't comment on Justin's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"