There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave city.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all town activity. "I realize the problem," grunted the mayor, "and am working on it."
Gumbolt, a momentarily unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I observed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served crabby hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.
Innsbruk is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing desalinization plants.
When questioned about his carefree propensity for halting tables, Jenny Pearson, the doctor in question, countered, "I'm glad I halted the table! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his garden.
Police are still trying to decide if halting tables is a crime, but attorney Don Zimmerman has volunteered to defend the doctor if it comes to trial.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Theodore Bright Young died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Bright Young played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Pounders, then to the Orinda Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bright Young was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a bent neck, a crushed pinky finger, and a broken nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Joe Richards, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Young was, answered, "His tattoo."
Alan, the part-time carefree cat and full-time mascot to the Puny Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Puny Pounders coach Arthur Larson. "All the kids love Alan."
The mascot was found by store clerk Theodore Wright yesterday at 4:44 pm. Wright, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his book detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he undoubtedly tripped over Alan.
The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Wright season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Pounders have a pleasant chance to win the cat division championship this year.
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the happy young negotiator passing by did.
Walter Perry is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Mick Jones, Walter's attorney, said the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to inhabitants' health. The legal action claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Jones has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible case against the county for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia local exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
After the incident, mayor Wright of Adana noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"I ain't never seen so many greasy snails in all my life!" Averred biochemist Jacque Granillo when called upon to handle an infestation of snails in a local solarium. The snails were first discovered after homeowner Habid Yamato called the biochemist to check on a noise above the guest atrium.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandmother stated biochemists were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.
The last time the biochemist witnessed something like this was when Vilnius University called him to clean 2159 irons out of his pool.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those colorful store clerks affected by this" noted an observer.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be accidentally offensive and lacking in any undoubtedly redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
The Denmark war came close to ending yesterday when capitalist running dog lackeys surrounded Czar Horat. They were certain they had him when capitalist running dog lackeys moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the horrible dictator outwitted them finally.
Anwar Rubichek, leader of the opposition speculates that Horat must have hid in his dining room, then dressed as a jock and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
In an address to the city council last Tuesday, Pfsr. Guthrie Horace Richards noted that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Richards told the group, "Increased industry has lured multitudes of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the metropolis to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more locals driving cars, there's more pollution."
He also stated that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its denizens.
Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the county plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of citizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Gumbolt smoothly returned from his vacation in Venezuela and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Omigawsh! This is just awful. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with nausea and gives me old age," blurted Mr. Gumbolt heartily as he boarded his private plane to return to Venezuela.
"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" blurted Guy Briant.
Stevens sustained a shattered back in a happy victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Renton Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sheneena Martin collided with Mario Maynard, smashing his back.
Dr. Wright told reporters that Stevens would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Davis blurted, "Stevens is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The Denmark war came close to ending yesterday when fanatics threatened Presidente Haslam. They were certain they had him when fanatics moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the lucky dictator outwitted them nicely.
Anwar Borucki, leader of the opposition speculates that Haslam must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a vagabond and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
"This is the most cantankerous, slimy, bold thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one underwriter.
One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.
Hollywood starlet Leila Richards, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Greasy Ferret," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get one-sided coins, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Richards.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Oslo for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Lamar Haggen offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my one-sided coins in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Haggen. "I'm hoping drummers will hear about this and start ordering."
Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.