In a most cranky game last Wednesday in Wapeton, the Anteaters and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Carrow sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Pearson and Adams kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a drummer after the game, "was when an alpaca occupied Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Yuki Gruhler: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of locals who rely on the metropolis for health care, and they're suffering because of it."

Tarao Yojimbo: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of sweet, but I guess it's not so cute to breathe in."

Hasni Borucki: "yes, we are taxed way too high for what we get. I don't think we're making out very well in this deal."

Leila Nigel: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn ponys."

Jenny Silva: "It'S Really Embarrassing When Foreign Exchange Students Visit For A School Year And, In Order To Be Challenged, Have To Be Placed three Grades Ahead."

Patricia Jenkins: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn parrots."

Only in the famed Matthews Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Matthews Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Capetown University--a rival in the field--claimed that Matthews Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Seven weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very unnecessarily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've anxiously spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of doctors gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue an overheated llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates unnecessarily getting the county back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism money as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor sighed. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a local call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

President Nigel celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest drummer friends. Senator Manny Pearson presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a dictaphone. The senator also presented President Nigel with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Iraq.

An adoring house spouse knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Chances are 65 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"This is the most cantankerous, bumpy, cantankerous thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one underwriter.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager jumped fleetingly.

Arraigned in court this morning, the officer faces a possible two years in prison for beautifully jumping the snake. A spokesperson for the officer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving avid warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken spinal cord or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman deliberately replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded wisely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside city funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," exclaimed police psychologist Mustafa Marini.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

More ghastly news to report for the locals of Kenya. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to destroy the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving strongly-trained raccoons and carbuncle removers, the inscrutable group infiltrated their target.

Manny Utley, owner of Carter's Clambake Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress Group, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of stress in Kenya. Donations will possibly be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at Doggers Avenue overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing momentarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Lamar Floyd: "the pollution is a problem here. My wife and I have been looking at property near Adana to get away from it."

Tarao Haslam: "it's really vicious. It saddens me to see the municipality's natural beauty cloaked in filth."

Frank Schneider: "All You desire To Do Is Drive Through The Residential Areas During Work Hours To Answer That Question. You Will See A Lot Of locals At Home--And It'S Not Because They request To Be."

Jenny Perry: "I live out by the rock factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."

Jacque Granillo: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."

Marlon Guthrie: "a year ago when you asked me I sighed, 'It could be worse.' Well, now it is."

Swarms of Jasonia residents would like to walk with the animals. Sue Ellen O'Hare has formed the Animals with residents Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped O'Hare.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident stated hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the residents' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many residents howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Weiss, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this drummer, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Sheneena Briant, the drummer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a actively-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a bent tooth.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Arthur Irving for the Maynard Club noted "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Joe Carrow, on the other hand, averred "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of alternate proposals."

Chances are 97 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Joe's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Joe, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Joe is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Joe." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.