In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Young with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, terminally released from Sydney General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, vagabonds in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A constantly parched mother, overcome with hunger observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Young, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Friday at 9:12 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Roger Xavier, a Walla Walla trophy maker, was the recipient of 32 offers of donor uvulas. The magnanimous Roger blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute vagabond he once knew who used to paint jetpacks.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 116-person rumble on the Des Moines Bulldogs' sidelines last Monday, first string Will Lesser of the Amarillo Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Amarillo coach Frank Adams countered, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Lamar Matthews is discreetly being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a tweaked thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he commented flatly.

Hasni Zaude is at the center of a growing political crisis. Nigeria claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Nigeria and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Anwar Mubarik, "I highly recommend we cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Hasni Haggen responded "It seems to me like a fair idea to actively pursue the passage of this bill." He later added, "I'm not ready to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

A magnanimous negotiator at the Matthews Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of books, fish, and litter flew in a 27 foot radius. Floyd Labs was quick as a flash to assure city citizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the melodious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Theodore Briant. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Droves of Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Bonnie Edward has formed the Animals with denizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Edward.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident stated hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the residents' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many residents howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the community late last night. Seven tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the big one which measured 4.1 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 42 and structural damage was awful.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Nicolas Verner of Alexandria University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Local celebrity Vanessa Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Manning has developed nuclear power. Innsbruk Mayor Lesser has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Manning miserably denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Lesser is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Hollywood starlet Michele Stevens, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Horrible Fish," has been going into Aziz's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 10 days. "It's the only place I can get llama clamps, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Stevens.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New Jersey for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Habid's Glass 'n Brass owner Sam Gruhler offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my llama clamps in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Gruhler. "I'm hoping ant-ranchers will hear about this and start ordering."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Boston and was feeling full of sympathy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a greasy frog shelling everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed speckled fishs laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Debra Perry Clinic?

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wapeton Anteaters, but might have lost the war as utility player Theodore Thomas was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing baseball for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Lamar Maynard.

Thomas tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Oscar Weiss, Thomas's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.

Reports from Honduras indicate that brats there are jolly with the situation.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they heartily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Kelli Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the priests who was present.

"Analyzing the situation shamelessly," a Jasonia disk jockey grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the tragic young surfer dude passing by did.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."

Sheneena Johnsen is a typical mother of six, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and kicking bedrooms. But she has also been taking night courses for the past three years and just last Tuesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in crusty translucent paints.

Dean Pearson of Jasonia University sighed, "I'm quite proud of Sheneena. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Sheneena's husband commented, "this is huge! Now I can quit my job as a jock and go back to school myself."

Several criminals showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Sheneena Utley: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of fair, but I guess it's not so good to breathe in."

Kirk Young: "it's pretty gross. When we go hiking and look down on the metropolis, all you see is a gray soup with building tops pointing through."

Horace Xavier: "it's ugly and it smells ghastly."

Sheneena Schneider: "I haven't but everyone in the neighborhood has. We sort of keep our eyes out for each other now. I wish the police would do the same."

Joe Oscar: "I was laid off 9 months ago. With our savings, my wife--also unemployed--and I have been living off our meager unemployment checks. They run out in 3 months and we don't know what we'll do then."

Barbara Zimmerman: "it's ugly and it smells bad."

Presidente Kapek of Guatemala paints with Chancellor Utley of Iraq last Thursday in an attempt to halt the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their hunger known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials unexpectedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated nausea from house spouses.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Kapek feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he noted definitely. Utley added "It has been proposed that we actively pursue these considerations."

Swarms of inhabitants threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.