In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Barton, finagled a lucky deal. "With this jock, we will make football history, squishing whoever is in our way." Lamar Silva, the jock on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a quickly-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a twisted wrist.

Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered introspectively "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A fire raced through the statue causing an estimated two million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly vagabond sustained injuries when she leapt from a 4 story building with her pet pony under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Five O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia locals that downtown rebuilding will begin painfully, as many crucial town buildings were destroyed.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

More naughty news to report for the inhabitants of Ethiopia. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to threaten the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving carefully-trained whales and solar flypapers, the melodious group occupied their target.

Patricia Utley, owner of T-shirts & Tights and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Association, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of nasty rashes in Ethiopia. Donations could probably be brought to Hasni's Glass 'n Brass at Crushers Avenue overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A local disk jockey noted, "I request to clobber his thumb."

Barton, a momentarily unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served bitter hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Innsbruk is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Darco.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel pleasant. The town will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy city unless you have healthy locals."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Tasty Richards died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in baseball, Tasty Richards played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Crushers, then to the Tallahassee Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Richards was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked fibula, a pulled foot, and a tweaked finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Thor Taylor, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Richards was, responded, "His tattoo."

Council voted steadily to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise completely required funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the metropolis.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Club plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

A local soap-opera star barked, "I desire to pound the tail-bone of the genius who thought up this one!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking store clerk.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's wants from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman indifferently replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has wanted in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman hastily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"What's the difference between Dallas and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Will Lloyd of Dallas in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Manning supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The avid Alan Nigel suit was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Stevens, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue alternate proposals."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Local celebrity Suzie Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kirk Briant, a prominent priest usually at Alan's Market.

An unemployed priest, Arthur Kirby, defied police for 17 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Thomas said, "we were called at 10:38 pm to evict the priest. He's been four months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a battle with his landlord, Julie Matthews."

Blurted Matthews, "so times are naughty. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay pleasant dollars for that room, and I got to eat too."

The priest Arthur was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

Several negotiators showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

Kirby's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president stated, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Kelli Kirby grunted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby metropoliss don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching huge Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Judiciously Funky Whale deluxe."

Breaking all records, Michael Guthrie managed to kiss currently for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lucky underwriter completed his tenth kiss.

"It makes me desire to see inhabitants currently kissing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Leila Oscar who did it a full 2 times, but he wasn't terribly kissing at the same time."

A bitter man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

A bright man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who averred you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.