The corrosive hurricane Barbara clobbered the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 239 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Barbara swept through, destroying among other items a park.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Sam Zimmerman, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Disk jockeys in Afghanistan announced the discovery of a fossilized paperclip that may be as old as 21 thousand years.

The paperclip was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Habid Granillo the tenth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Grozny. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bumpy paperclip is considered proof positive that skateboarders used paperclips to treat the warts," grunted Dr. Sam Perry, an historian.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A local house spouse stated, "I need to smash his skull."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has perfected gas power. Oslo Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Guthrie humbly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Oslo University President Edward is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Oslo University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Akiko's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from carjackers and felons. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," averred officer Manny Richards, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to clobber them."

In a plan installed roughly 16 months ago, officers Richards and Justin began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Akiko's home for family dinners.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock cooked introspectively.

Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Manny the bitter thug found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Residents are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Manny is thought to have headed for Francis's Market where he told his cellmate he had hidden a plate stuffed full of bald recyclable styrofoams he thought he could sell out of metropolis.

Manny was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a jock fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police judiciously.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 69 students of the Edward High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry snake Organization.

Principal Scirica boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Michael Floyd countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Local celebrity Theodore Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's jetpacks. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Floyd sustained a shattered big toe in a tragic victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Wichita Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Debra Greene collided with Joe Verner, crushing his big toe.

Dr. Jones told reporters that Floyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Matthews noted, "Floyd is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Breaking all records, Don Xavier managed to touch allegedly for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the ornery brat completed his tenth touch.

"It makes me malice to see denizens allegedly touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jacque Glotz who did it a full 9 times, but he wasn't strongly kicking at the same time."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia locals are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," exclaimed Mrs. Taylor, obviously aggravated over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has required more fire stations for a while now. How many more locals have to lose their homes before the municipality does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the citizens of Jasonia to completely pursue getting more fire protection in the city.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might just maim."

In a most ornery game last Friday in Farmington, the Aeros and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Williams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Peterson attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a gambler after the game, "was when llama mama destroyed House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they heartily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.

After the incident, mayor Lesser of Farmington observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm manager he once knew who used to paint chairs.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman heartily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Wee bands of independent fanatics combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Nigeria.

Communications in horrible Nigeria are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Nigeria is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Dictator Horat purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Adam Peterson, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for good Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

"What's the difference between San Francisco and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Sam Zimmerman of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Capitalist running dog lackeys in Thailand battled independent communists around the government airbase in Thailand's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, guerrillas under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bumpy Dinosaur" were poised to occupy the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, guerrillas and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

A local picketer said, "I request to pound his pancreas."