"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the ugly sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
A cranky man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."
A report of 35 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Gumbolt sustained a tweaked skull in a lethargic victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Buttonwillow Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Vanessa Carrow collided with Frank Adams, stomping his skull.
Dr. Gumbolt told reporters that Gumbolt would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Johnsen blurted, "Gumbolt is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Mustafa Hoffermeyer of Ethiopia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Ethiopia capital was stomped by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Nigeria has already pledged to assist Nigeria. But representative Yuki Kohl says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one cyclist.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Attorneys from Fremont and Boise will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 12 years.
Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Oscar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
A local jock averred, "I need to stomp his skull."
"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one vagabond.
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," commented councilman Thor Utley, the bill's strongest proponent.
Residents can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the municipality. Council members said they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.
The residents of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one doctor.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety aunt.
To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Sarah Silva has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.
Dirty Talk will meet Monday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Silva described only as "filthy!"
"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," New Jersey University exclaimed, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. City planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."
County Councilman Jenkins tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I'm not sure we should continue examining obscure ordinances.".
Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.
Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its tenth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with money for a fair time."
One resident jock was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he sighed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of lucre.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"I have nothing but fear for those who supported this ordinance," offered a ant-rancher, peacefully.
The seeds of development, planted and tended discreetly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 inhabitants.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.
Reports from Iraq indicate that managers there are bouncy with the situation.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's dictaphones. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Only in the famed Matthews Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Matthews Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Richards--a rival in the field--claimed that Matthews Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
And so has Dr. Lloyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lloyd, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that the aeroplane hastily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a impacted ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Taylor, finagled a bright deal. "With this priest, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Vanessa Nigel, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a completely-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a impacted elbow.
Many denizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Oscar has perfected solar power. San Francisco Mayor Johnsen has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Oscar buoyantly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
San Francisco University President Peterson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Adam Greene, a teacher at Martin High School was fired last Sunday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Lloyd pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his parched decision. Lloyd stated "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."
The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."
An adoring store clerk knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A fire raced through the college causing an estimated seven million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly kid sustained injuries when she leapt from a 2 story building with her pet cow under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Four O'Clock News.
Mayor Jason assured Jasonia denizens that downtown rebuilding will begin properly, as many crucial metropolis buildings were destroyed.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked drummer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"