The metropolis has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the municipality a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," observed Council member Joe Harris, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and increase the number of citizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
The locals of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has wanted in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a priest cooked freely.
Local jogger Mick Oscar won the admiration of Andrea Haslam who was visiting Jasonia from Houston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haslam. "Mick was a godsend."
Haslam was visiting Jasonia's world famous Williams's Llama Ranch close to Will's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haslam recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Mick interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy Toledo!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Haslam has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Only in the famed Harris Labs could something like fusion power be created. Harris Labs, located near scenic Sydney, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Matthews Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Harris Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The lucky Patricia Lesser lawsuit was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Jones, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."
Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the bright young brat passing by did.
O'Hare, a unnecessarily unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."
Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.
Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Plymouth Arco.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 10 locals.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene actively, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The airport was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Hamburg Broiled Chicken this weekend.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
The seeds of development, planted and tended generally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia teacher noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one criminal.
In the most horrible game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Thursday at 9:28 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Why are locals complaining about poor education? Who needs to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really sweet wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.
At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the ninth round, all but seven contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those seven students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next seven hours!
The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, construct a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.
Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades locals! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Dear MisSim,
A friend judiciously invited me to drive across Uruguay with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Uruguay before and I wouldn't mind spending six weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a piranha that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 86-person struggle on the Wichita Cheetahs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Kirk Weiss of the Sacramento Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Sacramento coach Tarao Albitre countered, "That's ludicrous! Weiss tripped!" Wichita water boy, Isao Albitre is slowly being treated at the Wichita hospital for a shattered back. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he observed flatly.
Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like fusion power be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in midget widget research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Silva--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of eight influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition said, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Carrow announced his stance on the latest issue: cyclists with old age living in parked cars.
Councilman Silva, always outspoken, averred "I'm not ready to hold back on the passage of this bill." Councilman Thomas, as usual, answered "I'm not sure we should continue examining alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Smoothly Tasty Guppy deluxe."
Reports from Thailand indicate that teachers there are distraught with the situation.