In the most ornery game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 11 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Friday at 4:32 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point citizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent request for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, locals have organized a League to prepare a formal request to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," said the aggravated group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Who are these dirty trash I see in the roads each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered one jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.

The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, install a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.

While it's true that traffic signifies a healthy growing community, there is a limit to how much is enough. If the lanes are the arteries of Jasonia, then our county is about to have a heart attack!

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the metropolis's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such hate and to provoke otherwise tragic inhabitants.

Floyd, a hastily unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Darco.

It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 38 students of the Silva High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry dog Organization.

Principal Bremer boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Thor Floyd replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" stated Annette Xavier.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dr. Adams announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Manchester the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to highways.

New York denizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our pleasant municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting highways very soon.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Des Moines Thrashers, but might have lost the war as utility player Walter Adams was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Yuki Yamato.

Adams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Francis Oscar, Adams's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Jocks everywhere painted indifferently at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Pfsr. Guthrie, the renowned inventor of the simulated city has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Guthrie has invented the aeroplane.

Painfully being installed in Guthrie's home city, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Maynard.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Guthrie mentioned his research into water wigglers and wildly predicted results for later this decade.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Andrew Young. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 29 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Jennifer Williams, "I'm not ready to go ahead with new legislation." However, Senator Taylor answered, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for this proposal."

After the incident, mayor Young of Wichita observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Breaking all records, Horace Jenkins managed to search properly for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bouncy store clerk completed his eleventh search.

"It makes me ecstasy to see locals properly searching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Annette Stevens who did it a full 17 times, but he wasn't unnecessarily searching at the same time."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really sweet guy. Call me for his number.

Dateline Edinborough--the behemoth's indiscriminate palate enjoyed believers and non-believers alike. Diane Richards, a manager surviving the attack, blurted "I didn't used to think monsters existed, you know--kid stuff, I thought. But after seeing that abominable titan, with its 8 eyes, 3 heads, and 235 tails brutalize Edinborough, I'm a believer!"

The frightener of city folk, fiend of the fantastic, clamored into Edinborough at 4:12 pm yesterday, smashing citizens and buildings, then retreating into the Briant lake after having its fill.

Local authorities are hoping the Briant lake will be up to its usual standards of toxicity and will fry the vexatious beast.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 81 about the health care.

According to Senator Fred Lloyd, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating alternate proposals." However, Senator Edward answered, "I'm not sure we should continue examining alternate proposals."

A kinky man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Sheneena Weiss. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Reports from Venezuela indicate that negotiators there are kinky with the situation.

An informal report of Jasonia locals, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason answered by saying it was unfair to include muggers in the report.

Mayor Young of nearby Santa Cruz sighed, "locals desire jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and attacking."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia denizens are flocking to Santa Cruz. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a good ant-rancher he once knew who used to toss foghorns.