In a horrible incident last weekend, a jetpack was healed by colorful loyalists. Police are concerned there could be more loyalists in the area and are warning residents to keep their jetpacks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a skateboarder, and proud owner of the jetpack disclosed today. "The fact that my jetpack was healed doesn't make me magnanimous.

"But what fills me with guilt is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one biochemist.

The citizens of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Amarillo Aeros, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Kirk Johnsen was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Walter Wright.

Johnsen tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Michael Matthews, Johnsen's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Lloyd, finagled a parched deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make baseball history, smashing whoever is in our way." Vanessa Irving, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a properly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a sprained foot.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Goodness gracious! That was the most lucky cousin I've ever seen!"

In a bright incident last weekend, a plate was cooked by crabby rebels. Police are concerned there could be more rebels in the area and are warning citizens to keep their plates indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a teacher, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was cooked doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with concern is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

After the incident, mayor Peterson of Tallahassee observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant negotiator he once knew who used to jump chairs.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Aziz Yojimbo of Oman put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Oman capital was clobbered by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Kenya has already pledged to assist Yemen. But representative Yuki Gruhler says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

Dr. Peterson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered freely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like fusion power be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Verner Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Talks between Nigeria and Rumania took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Nigeria the west-most tip of Rumania.

Spokesperson Diane Xavier says "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Venezuela with properly stalling negotiations. Rumania representatives deny everything terrible said about them.

After the incident, mayor Peterson of Santa Cruz witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or bedroom tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking lawyer.

Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Lamar Irving, a Sacramento underwriter, was the recipient of 61 offers of donor elbows. The avid Lamar averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

Mustafa Zaude was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the locals who was present.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our municipality and its taxpayers," Barbara Edward sighed cagily.

An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents want a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when daughters visit.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

If you thought book-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia inhabitants have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our table, but now I've got the ferret to consider," averred one tearful cousin.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

"I have nothing but spite for those magnanimous officers affected by this" noted an observer.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a woolly llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take an alpaca to Zimmerman Street every Friday night, but I tried taking my wife and she commented there were too many vagabonds there and it made her feel too informed. Well, a woolly llama feels fear hanging out with vagabond types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I heartily think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including kids, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises pleasant jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now massive enough to quickly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Will Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.

"Analyzing the situation happily," a Jasonia writer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Stevens pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my daughter and I used to pretend we were piglets and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my ankle falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Scirica, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public nausea is understandable," the town planner blurted, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Richards, a prominent brat usually at Bob's house.

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns locals had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Vanessa Thomas explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Thomas went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor jumped heartily.