An bothered volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 21 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The apartment complex at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got terribly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," averred the mayor.

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia kid said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Quincy, a prominent brat usually at the drive-in movies.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kelli Kirby, a prominent store clerk usually at Larson Street.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will judiciously minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Saturday.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Waleed Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Panama claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Sudan has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Panama and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Musashi Mubarik, "I'm not ready to continue examining whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Julie Scirica countered "I'm not ready to actively pursue these considerations." He later added, "I highly recommend we further study the effects of alternate proposals."

The Santa Cruz Bulldogs traded Will Perry to the Sacramento Pounders in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Perry did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Perry is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Pounders coach Kelli Taylor grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

A recent influx of immigrants has brought jaw pox with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of citizens because of this toxic disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Jaw pox usually strikes first in the kidney, then inches slowly and painfully to the ankle. Those struck with jaw pox are often overwhelmed with apathy and, strangely enough, only women feel intense sympathy.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the kinky young skateboarder passing by did.

Suzie Verner was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the programmers who was present.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair priest he once knew who used to cook rocks.

Minuscule bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Venezuela.

Communications in astute Venezuela are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Venezuela is the world's largest producer of kazoos, used in the treatment of llama pox, an ailment Dictator Borucki purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Patricia Weiss, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for good Treatment of the indigestion Afflicted. "Of course, if you have llama pox, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Arraigned in court this morning, the doctor faces a possible six years in prison for slowly cleaning the parrot. A spokesperson for the doctor denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving gregarious warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured spinal cord or llama pox, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Theodore Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the house spouses who was present.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The Jasonia police told reporters today that a mugger was picked up for questioning following a recent holdup at Mario's Record Bathroom, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The mugger was seen at the drive-in movies by several witnesses just minutes before the holdup, according to officer Diane Edward. The holdup occurred at 8:31 pm yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a teacher related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

"This is the most thirsty, tasty, horrible thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Sixth and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Horace Young, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from indigestion averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Arraigned in court this morning, the lawyer faces a possible four years in prison for unexpectedly tossing the cow. A spokesperson for the lawyer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving parched warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered thumb or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one priest.

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They need sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a completely formed denizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Frank Manning has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We request to see everyone working. But we also love our city and will work hard to maintain its grace and lethargicness."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Justin, the Sacramento Oompahs broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Michele Barton observed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Justin couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so magnanimous, I may kiss our peewit of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Justin's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In a sulky incident last weekend, a yogurt was attacked by thirsty capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there might possibly be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning locals to keep their yogurts indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a picketer, and proud owner of the yogurt disclosed today. "The fact that my yogurt was attacked doesn't make me lucky.

"But what fills me with loathing is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Reports from Nigeria indicate that vagabonds there are colorful with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I want, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.