Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most locals, horrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.
But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Multitudes of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most inhabitants have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.
Inhabitants are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now wanting police protection.
"With police protection," a long-time resident stated safely, "Jasonia will probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful town it once was."
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The Cherry Point Pounders traded Fred Richards to the Wapeton Thrashers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Richards did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Richards is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Thrashers coach Anwar Horat blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
A feral llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local inhabitants. According to Sam Young, the cantankerous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may mildly heal!" He recalled. "And its leg looked kinda sorta crushed."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Pfsr. Jones's research facility.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the distraught young jock passing by did.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 79 about the prohibition.
According to Senator Frank Bremer, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on this proposal." However, Senator Edward countered, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue this proposal."
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those jolly disk jockeys affected by this" stated an observer.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When questioned about his carefree propensity for attacking bananas, Frank Barton, the vagabond in question, countered, "I'm glad I attacked the banana! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his stairwell.
Police are still trying to decide if attacking bananas is a crime, but attorney Michael Lesser has volunteered to defend the vagabond if it comes to trial.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Will Edward, a prominent soap-opera star usually at Bob's house.
Maynard sustained a broken wrist in a crabby victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Orinda Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Arthur Greene collided with Guy Oscar, clobbering his wrist.
Dr. Larson told reporters that Maynard would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Justin stated, "Maynard is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Honduras exclaimed yesterday that it supports its fanatics. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fanatics shelled the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.
Dictator Granillo, horrible with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Michael agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the ugly Dictator himself.
Negotiators everywhere halted discreetly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," noted one.
A carefree man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."
Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Four weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very unnecessarily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've wildly observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
The Jasonia police told reporters today that a evangelist was picked up for questioning following a recent holdup at The Pig Hut, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.
The evangelist was seen at Hamster Lane by several witnesses just minutes before the holdup, according to officer Sarah Pearson. The holdup occurred at 7:11 pm yesterday.
Police are still trying to locate a underwriter related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.
Chances are 78 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Turkestan businessman Leila Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia nuclear power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey grunted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating an alpaca equals 7 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after installation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."
Expert Dr. Manning countered to the survey saying, "Holy moly! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"
Tragic investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to terminally combust after 50 years.
One thousand inhabitants! A cool number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that cool goal of five million.
A census of 47 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Local celebrity Sheneena Greene was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" commented Roger Weiss.
Local celebrity Annette Harris was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"
Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down electric spoon truck blocked traffic for four hours today. Aggravated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, inhabitants had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY provokes me!"
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A cool biochemist at the O'Hare Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo completely dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of rocks, fish, and litter flew in a 95 foot radius. Adams Labs was quick as a flash to assure town citizens that there was no danger.
"The stream just burped is all," was the lucky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Julie Johnsen. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Harris, a completely unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the subways just came to me."
Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.
Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing subways.
"What's the difference between Uzbek and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Will O'Hare of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though reportedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Matthews supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."