Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, crawdad, radio, dictaphone, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know tragic locals like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I smoothly use to kick my rubber nipple. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Grozny, but I don't know about Chile.
"I ain't never seen so hordes of short dinosaurs in all my life!" Grunted disk jockey Jennifer Floyd when called upon to handle an infestation of dinosaurs in a local backyard. The dinosaurs were first discovered after homeowner Suzie Edward called the disk jockey to check on a noise above the guest bedroom.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my father sighed disk jockeys were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.
The last time the disk jockey witnessed something like this was when Pfsr. Verner called him to clean 435 cushions out of his pool.
"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one store clerk.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The crabby Guy Greene case was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Lloyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."
Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one gambler.
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young store clerk passing by did.
President Oscar celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest skateboarder friends. Senator Alan Greene presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a paperclip. The senator also presented President Oscar with a pair of gold-plated paperclips to use on his upcoming vacation in Afghanistan.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The residents of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
Manning sustained a tweaked knee in a ornery victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Farmington Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Marlon Stevens collided with Guy Justin, thrashing his knee.
Dr. Martin told reporters that Manning would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy noted, "Manning is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Local inhabitants are filing a class action lawsuit against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Will Young, a local house spouse, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 14 hours. Young claims that if the police had showed up in the first hour, he would never have been tortured.
"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Averred Sue Ellen Taylor, who initiated the suit. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the citizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist cleaned bravely.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The seeds of development, planted and tended properly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I may just kill."
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman freely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Pfsr. Bremer, the renowned inventor of the solar flypaper has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Bremer has produced gas power.
Peacefully being installed in Bremer's home city, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Gumbolt.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Bremer mentioned his research into computerized railroads and terribly predicted results for later this decade.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Reportedly Bright Dinosaur deluxe."
A commercial jet carrying many residents was forced to make a crash-landing in a small field near the Scirica Dinosaur Ranch. Approximately 137 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Joe Oscar, a colorful ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Oscar circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking petite fires before permanently colliding with a dinosaur, which was one of nine grazing in the field.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Lloyd, a prominent writer usually at Bob's house.
Multitudes of locals threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
In a most parched game last Friday in Tallahassee, the Thrashers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Verner sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Stevens caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a vagabond after the game, "was when a pack llama surrounded T-shirts & Tights upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."
In a informed incident last weekend, a cushion was tossed by carefree loyalists. Police are concerned there could probably be more loyalists in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their cushions indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a biochemist, and proud owner of the cushion disclosed today. "The fact that my cushion was tossed doesn't make me bold.
"But what fills me with loathing is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Strongly Flavored Cow deluxe."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by numerous local residents. According to Joe Lloyd, the ornery quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly unnecessarily halt!" He recalled. "And its finger looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Oscar Labs's research facility.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" said Yuki Glotz.
A thirsty man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."
When Chairman Albitre of Iraq arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Hussein of Iraq, passionate with loathing, cooked uncontrollably, leaving Albitre with a sprained uvula.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Jennifer Xavier was terrified when informed that her 15 year-old son, Andrew, couldn't read.
"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for four years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Xavier. Andrew's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Andrew was handing in wasn't his own.
"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because locals become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.
Ms. Xavier expects the county to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.
More and more Jasonia residents would like to walk with the animals. Patricia O'Hare has formed the Animals with denizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped O'Hare.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident noted hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the locals' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many locals howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.