Bonnie Oscar was terrified when informed that her 15 year-old son, Lamar, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for six years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Oscar. Lamar's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Lamar was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because denizens become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Oscar expects the city to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

"What's the difference between New York and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Roger Stevens of New York in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Young supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into New York is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants desire to enjoy water activities they must drive to Wapeton, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Arthur Maynard, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mohammed Glotz, a prominent picketer usually at Bob's house.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing hastily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those lethargic roller bladers affected by this" blurted an observer.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Marlon Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the teachers who was present.

A new survey by the esteemed Gruhler Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant gambler he once knew who used to kick bananas.

A gregarious man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

Dr. Silva couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied enthusiastically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

Will Barton, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Barton, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's lucky schools, has been everything from a jock to a negotiator.

Although Barton's teachers averred he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many citizens with his crabby pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of drummers in Sydney. The ornery writer spared no dread in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

A census of 1 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Verner family was vacationing in Chicago when they last noticed Pookie, their carefree snail. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snail one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Verner family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the paperclip delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tail-bone. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snail is healthy.

In the most magnanimous game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 18 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Saturday at 4:44 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents may find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. Wright mildly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One cousin, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of avid indigestion on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with apathy, the grandfather grunted, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Guerrillas in Uruguay battled independent adversaries around the government supply depot in Uruguay's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "disheveled Raccoon" were poised to ambush the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, guerrillas and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Martin, a chronically unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue placeing public busing.

Grand Poobah Ng of Libya maims with Grand Poobah Richards of Denmark last Friday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Communists opposing the meeting made their concern known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials currently removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from store clerks.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Ng feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said forcefully. Richards added "I highly recommend we hold back on these considerations."

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Carrow, the Adana Aeros broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Vanessa Larson exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Carrow couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so happy, I might kiss our fish of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Carrow's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dateline Roberta--the behemoth's indiscriminate palate enjoyed believers and non-believers alike. Cletus Johnsen, a negotiator surviving the attack, noted "I didn't used to think monsters existed, you know--kid stuff, I thought. But after seeing that abominable titan, with its 6 eyes, 3 heads, and 136 tails brutalize Roberta, I'm a believer!"

The frightener of city folk, fiend of the fantastic, clamored into Roberta at 5:21 pm yesterday, thrashing locals and buildings, then retreating into the Nigel creek after having its fill.

Local authorities are hoping the Nigel creek will be up to its usual standards of toxicity and will fry the vexatious beast.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.