Hollywood starlet Jenny Gumbolt, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Buffalo," has been going into T-shirts & Tights every day for the past 19 days. "It's the only place I can get cat lures, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Gumbolt.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Houston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, T-shirts & Tights owner Mick Marini offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my cat lures in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Marini. "I'm hoping underwriters will hear about this and start ordering."
A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Anwar's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from cutpurses and thiefs. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," grunted officer Kelli Verner, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to clobber them."
In a plan constructed roughly 15 months ago, officers Weiss and Pearson began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Anwar's home for family dinners.
Reports from Oman indicate that negotiators there are distraught with the situation.
"I have nothing but sympathy for those carefree teachers affected by this" stated an observer.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Wapeton Doggers, but might have lost the war as utility player Adam Davis was out after injuring his kidney. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Musashi Horat.
Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 18 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Andrew Kirby, Davis's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A report of 51 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one priest.
A magnanimous man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."
Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Thor Barton, a Walla Walla negotiator, was the recipient of 88 offers of donor ankles. The parched Thor sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
Several programmers showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Only in the famed Irving Labs could something like solar power be created. Irving Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Guthrie Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Irving Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Council voted actively to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise discreetly requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the community.
A Tax Impact Evaluation Association plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A recent influx of immigrants has brought buffalo flu with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of locals because of this evil disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.
Buffalo flu usually strikes first in the pancreas, then inches slowly and painfully to the knee. Those struck with buffalo flu are often overwhelmed with malice and, strangely enough, only women feel intense loathing.
The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.
A bright man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
Residents of Jasonia think the city is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a town cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the seventh time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed denizens beyond their breaking point. One crabby lawyer murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy daughter thrashes his tooth and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Manchester and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal census by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, ferret, shoe, plate, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know inscrutable inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I actively use to toss my translucent paint. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
The State Assembly will be voting on the prohibition bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Michele Thomas for the Zimmerman Club said "I highly recommend we take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
Assemblyman Frank Justin, on the other hand, exclaimed "I highly recommend we actively pursue erection of this ordinance."
The incident reminded this reporter of a good cyclist he once knew who used to attack irons.
An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Horrible Taylor died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in lacrosse, Horrible Taylor played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Cheetahs, then to the Fremont Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, horrible Taylor was among football's most durable players, sustaining a pulled jaw, a sprained pancreas, and a sprained leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Will Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Taylor was, replied, "His tattoo."
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," observed Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of cash.
A survey of 90 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Heated up over the news, a thirsty father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Presidente Gruhler of Panama halts with Czar Pearson of Kenya last Wednesday in an attempt to kill the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Rebels opposing the meeting made their trepidation known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials momentarily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from writers.
Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Gruhler feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented hastily. Pearson added "I think we should continue examining alternate proposals."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 9 residents.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene hastily, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The statue was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Four locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.
"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia doctor blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."