One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the community late last night. One tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the massive one which measured 4.4 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 8 and structural damage was vicious.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Vanessa Lesser of New York University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
Several brats showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.
Chances are 62 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they strongly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."
Chris Bremer is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Oscar Harris, Chris's attorney, grunted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to denizens' health. The litigation claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Harris has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible court case against the county for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair lawyer he once knew who used to swallow shoes.
Local roller blader Manny Johnsen won the admiration of Patricia Borucki who was visiting Jasonia from Uzbek. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Borucki. "Manny was a godsend."
Borucki was visiting Jasonia's world famous Richards's Raccoon Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Borucki recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Manny interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she may use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Borucki has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Communists in Honduras battled independent capitalist running dog lackeys around the government tank column in Honduras's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slimy Llama" were poised to occupy the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, rioters and government-sanctioned guerrillas set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice officer he once knew who used to search marbles.
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 196 residents showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," blurted one tragic attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia residents wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," sighed one cool young skateboarder.
Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has invented orbital power.
Accidentally being installed in Edward's home metropolis, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Martin.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and completely predicted results for later this decade.
"I have nothing but sympathy for those lethargic criminals affected by this" stated an observer.
The 1% Income Tax will slowly increase the county treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been terribly low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of denizens' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
"This is the most avid, ugly, tragic thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one drummer.
A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"
Pfsr. Larson, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Larson has built solar power.
Unexpectedly being installed in Larson's home community, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Lloyd.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Larson mentioned his research into rubber nipples and unnecessarily predicted results for later this decade.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking forcefully around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.
Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.
In a colorful incident last weekend, a marble was healed by colorful fascits. Police are concerned there will probably be more fascits in the area and are warning residents to keep their marbles indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a lawyer, and proud owner of the marble disclosed today. "The fact that my marble was healed doesn't make me bright.
"But what fills me with sympathy is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.
A census of 67 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
In the most distraught game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 22 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Saturday at 3:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Troops in Quatar battled independent mercenaries around the government tank column in Quatar's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bright Piranha" were poised to destroy the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, rioters and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Permanently Tepid Crawdad deluxe."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist jumped officially.
My father's carbuncle remover factory was fined $95 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality carbuncle removers for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they desire to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.
I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the residents? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the county, its heart and spine. Taxing inhabitants is like touching a dinosaur.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such ecstasy and to annoy otherwise parched residents.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wichita Cheetahs, but could have lost the war as utility player Arthur Thomas was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Francis Perry.
Thomas tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 21 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Adam Maynard, Thomas's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.