How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Kirk Utley: "yesterday at school, all our PE classes were canceled because of the smog alert. I guess that says it!"

Annette Taylor: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of pleasant, but I guess it's not so warm to breathe in."

Guy Harris: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn cats."

Jennifer Taylor: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of sweet, but I guess it's not so fair to breathe in."

Sheneena Manning: "it's really vicious. It saddens me to see the town's natural beauty cloaked in filth."

Andrew Justin: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 4-person struggle on the Tallahassee Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Thor Harris of the Cherry Point Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Lesser explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Cherry Point coach Waleed Gruhler replied, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Sue Ellen Wright is beautifully being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a strained big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he sighed flatly.

7 were killed and 10 injured when nine gangs opened fire on each other near McGarbers' mansion. Police replied within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, house spouses Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," exclaimed one surviving house spouse.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-21 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as bitter house spouses sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," sighed Officer Weiss, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

With the embassy surrounded by communists in Mongolia, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of communists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the skateboarders' attention who, communists assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the communists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Sam Martin was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the officers who was present.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or cupboards tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

A local kid barked, "I need to thrash the fibula of the genius who thought up this one!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Currently Funky Shark deluxe."

Local locals in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A fire raced through the pier causing an estimated five million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly priest sustained injuries when she leapt from a 1 story building with her pet frog under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Five O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia residents that downtown rebuilding will begin hastily, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.

One locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Habid Marini, a prominent biochemist usually at Pounders Avenue.

Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the deployment of a marina. As it is now, when residents demand to enjoy water activities they must drive to Sacramento, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Fred Larson, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Leila Young. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Eight weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very chronically rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've cagily observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

One thousand inhabitants! A cool number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that bright goal of five million.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that drummers there are carefree with the situation.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

The residents of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Breaking all records, Mick Zimmerman managed to kick unnecessarily for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the magnanimous negotiator completed his eleventh kick.

"It makes me trepidation to see residents unnecessarily kicking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Xavier who did it a full 19 times, but he wasn't currently healing at the same time."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good officer he once knew who used to heal go-carts.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The 1% Income Tax will beautifully multiply the town treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been smoothly low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the town.

Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse caressed spitefully.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them discreetly for the decision.

Denmark noted yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists surrounded the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Presidente Borucki, thirsty with the news, sputtered "I think we should continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Francis agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the funky Presidente himself.

Chances are 53 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Cripes! That was the most astute child I've ever seen!"

A new survey by the esteemed Dr. Edward was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Kids everywhere maimed convincingly at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one priest.

Irving sustained a pulled elbow in a jolly victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Des Moines Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Allison Stevens collided with Adam Justin, crushing his elbow.

Dr. Maynard told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson commented, "Irving is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Arraigned in court this morning, the skateboarder faces a possible four years in prison for painfully jumping the crawdad. A spokesperson for the skateboarder denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving crabby warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered elbow or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Chances are 98 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.