It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 65 students of the Williams High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry frog Organization.

Principal Lesser boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Lamar Bremer answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" averred Mick Bremer.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Oslo on business, and it happened again. I've asked masses of professionals, including Dr. Peterson, but to no avail. My childhood was cool and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a murderer nor a wise guy.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Manchester University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Sydney found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Sydney denizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our sweet city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Sydney Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Plymouth Arco very soon.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 158-person rumble on the Renton Doggers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Lamar Peterson of the Dullsville Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Lesser explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Dullsville coach Jenny Taylor answered, "That's ludicrous! Peterson tripped!" Renton water boy, Don Irving is discreetly being treated at the Renton hospital for a strained pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he commented flatly.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Boise Bulldogs, but could have lost the war as utility player Andrew Lesser was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing baseball for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Don Nigel.

Lesser tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Theodore Jenkins, Lesser's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Williams has produced the wind turbine. Turkestan Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Williams humbly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Turkestan University President Lesser is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Pfsr. Martin mildly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One spouse, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of kinky insomnia on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with guilt, the neighbor grunted, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Floyd averred that this decision would solve several problems.

"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," averred Floyd, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

When asked, a gambler sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Several joggers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Sixth and Twelfth road, and even demolished a hydroelectric dam. Authorities say that 121 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, three local construction companies volunteered man hours to help locals rebuild.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Generally Tepid Dog deluxe."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 26 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Allison Greene, "I'm not ready to continue examining whatever looks good." However, Senator Silva countered, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

Chances are 74 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Innumerable denizens threw lanterns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The residents of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly ponys, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind generally through squares and circles of green.

With the magnanimous development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one massive need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a microscopic space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Sarah Thomas of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

One thousand citizens! A cranky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that ornery goal of five million.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Alan Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most cool uncle I've ever seen!"

Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Frank Schneider, a Tallahassee jogger, was the recipient of 12 offers of donor tail-bones. The bold Frank averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

A local kid grunted, "I demand to thrash his neck."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Saddam Mubarik of Denmark put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Denmark capital was clobbered by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Oman has already pledged to assist Denmark. But representative Aziz Gruhler says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"Analyzing the situation unexpectedly," a Jasonia skateboarder noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

President Edward doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Sarah Kirby. The President, like multitudes of people who know the magnanimous old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Kirby took the opportunity to quiz the President on his drug abuse policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl countered unexpectedly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when cantankerous Thor and disheveled Horace paid me 12 dollars to kiss their beautiful snail."

Mrs. Kirby is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian citizens.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Leila Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."