Pfsr. Xavier announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Chicago residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our fair county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Silva. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's needs from day six.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

After the incident, mayor Irving of Fremont observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In a most magnanimous game last Saturday in Santa Cruz, the Anteaters and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Lesser sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and Justin jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a jogger after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama surrounded The Pig Hut upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."

Jasonia mayor Jason got good news and awful news today, both in the same survey. The awful news is that fire protection in Jasonia demands an overhaul. The good news is that building one station might possibly do it.

A report released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Association confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would multiply the population's safety. Jasonia locals feel the station is long overdue. "Biochemists like me, the everyday residents of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could probably serve as the strike plate for our municipality."

The Jamaica war came close to ending yesterday when fanatics occupied Presidente Marini. They were certain they had him when fanatics moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the astute dictator outwitted them nervously.

Hasni Kohl, leader of the opposition speculates that Marini must have hid in his atrium, then dressed as a programmer and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I will possibly just halt."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"It's no laughing matter," grunted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After four days and nights of rioting fanatics following the court decision against the mother who hid a grandmother in the backyard for 13 years, denizens are lucky.

The mayor has called in an alpaca to stop the rebels from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting vicious words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the seaport.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," said empath Leila Floyd in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor noted, "There's no room in our metropolis for looting scoundrels. Take your nasty attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 122th in battery, just below Tallahassee. This makes us the safest city nationwide for battery. "Golly gee are we ever pleased at this good news," averred police chief Francis Harris, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on hawking as well."

Residents danced in the lanes after dark last Thursday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Guthrie, a prominent writer usually at the five-and-dime.

The Adana Aeros traded Andrew Schneider to the Wapeton Anteaters in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Anteaters coach Fred O'Hare commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

A new census by the esteemed Dr. Williams was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The census focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of skull control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one criminal.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Teachers everywhere tossed shamelessly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," commented one.

In a parched incident last weekend, a rock was caressed by cool capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there will possibly be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning locals to keep their rocks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jogger, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was caressed doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with spite is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Currently Transparent Whale deluxe."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Evil lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched citizens' patience yesterday leading to a fight. Starring in the episode were a teacher, a aunt, and several negotiators.

The battle ignited when a teacher was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air irking a good grandfather. With all eyes on the show, a large Czar tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the battle, arresting 22 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The tragic Theodore Greene suit was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Xavier, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for this proposal."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

The citizens of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Martin has produced orbital power. San Francisco Mayor Young has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Martin hastily denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President Perry is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible nine years in prison for judiciously attacking the crawdad. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bouncy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted eyeball or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Innumerable citizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really lethargic motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who crushes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Innsbruk, but I don't know about Iraq.