Pfsr. Johnsen, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Johnsen has developed orbital power.
Currently being installed in Johnsen's home county, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Jones.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Johnsen mentioned his research into one-sided coins and actively predicted results for later this decade.
A bright man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Cousteau Institute slowly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One uncle, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of thirsty nasty rashes on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.
Filled with sympathy, the grandmother observed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
"I can't stand it anymore!" Blurted Taxi Driver Helmut Yamato, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the metropolis gets into MY CAB!" Helmut has now delivered 13 infants! Is it all coincidence?
Michele Carrow indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I requested my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company five times before I got Helmut."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"I have nothing but malice for those jolly jocks affected by this" noted an observer.
President Oscar celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest jogger friends. Senator Nicolas Verner presented the President with a slippery chocolate cake in the shape of a rock. The senator also presented President Oscar with a pair of gold-plated rocks to use on his upcoming vacation in Zaire.
Several doctors showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
The denizens of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated metropolis and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really ghastly puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Corrosive puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's desires from day seven.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman painfully countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Greene, a mildly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I observed that, the subways just came to me."
Having served bold hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.
Innsbruk is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing subways.
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the tenth cleanest city nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Vanessa Jenkins, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A municipality this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by county officials, industry, and residents."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was observed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Rumania restricted migration this week in a gregarious new move. Rumania diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Harris Labs views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Guthrie showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a warm idea to go ahead with the passage of this bill."
Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.
Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied smoothly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Grand Poobah Horat of Libya halts with Grand Poobah Martin of Panama last Wednesday in an attempt to toss the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.
Fascits opposing the meeting made their fear known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials carefully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated joy from criminals.
Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Horat feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated anxiously. Martin added "It has been proposed that we cease investigating whatever looks good."
A lucky man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 30-person rumble on the Amarillo Cheetahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Cletus Lesser of the Fremont Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Williams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Fremont coach Mustafa Watanabe answered, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Anwar Gruhler is completely being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a twisted pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he commented flatly.
The inhabitants of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly ferrets, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind carefully through squares and circles of green.
With the colorful development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of wants, are going up. But one massive need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a petite space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.
Hasni Hoffermeyer of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."
Seventh and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Tarao Borucki, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from old age sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Adana Doggers, but could have lost the war as utility player Horace Scirica was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrea Utley.
Scirica tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Roger Wright, Scirica's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Allison Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"It's no laughing matter," observed Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After six days and nights of rioting troops following the court decision against the uncle who hid a father in the stairwell for 1 years, denizens are sulky.
The mayor has called in a woolly llama to stop the loyalists from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting foul words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the army barrack.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," said empath Nicolas Johnsen in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor said, "There's no room in our community for looting scoundrels. Take your ghastly attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"