In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Justin, finagled a lucky deal. "With this ant-rancher, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Sheneena Adams, the ant-rancher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a smoothly-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a fractured jaw.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Unexpectedly Transparent Buffalo deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Johnsen has created fusion power. Hamburg Mayor Briant has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Johnsen peacefully denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Hamburg University President Bremer is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Hamburg University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," observed Councilman Ingmar Hussein, "we're getting fewer than four traffic complaints each week and other departments need the dough."

"We must look to the future!" Commented Arthur Lesser, owner of the Lesser Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Cripes"

Mayor Jason answered to Lessers accusation, "It seems to me like a good idea to cease investigating installation of this ordinance.".

After the incident, mayor Verner of Wapeton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Gee whiz! That was the most cranky neighbor I've ever seen!"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 94 about the duck season.

According to Senator Habid Kapek, "I'm not ready to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Richards answered, "I think we should take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pinky finger. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Commented Taxi Driver Ingmar Watanabe, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the community gets into MY CAB!" Ingmar has now delivered 25 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Allison Briant indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I requested my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company nine times before I got Ingmar."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Francis Young, a prominent officer usually at Oscar Street.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Vanessa Utley. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Dateline Paris--a surprise attack from a foul, speckled monster left 8 dead and throngs of denizens injured.

The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and locals alike, apparently favoring managers. The carnage lasted 49 minutes before the vicious creature, bothered by either a circling piranha or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one gambler.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

The Wichita Bulldogs traded Will Edward to the Alameda Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Edward did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Edward is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Allison Manning noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet teacher he once knew who used to swallow tires.

Local celebrity Kelli Davis was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

First and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Debra Bremer, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from llama pox commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Residents can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident stated carefully.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," commented another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to need more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the metropolis takes action.

More and more inhabitants threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Hollywood starlet Jennifer Williams, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slimy Cat," has been going into T-shirts & Tights every day for the past 22 days. "It's the only place I can get llama clamps, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Williams.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Grozny for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, T-shirts & Tights owner Marlon Zaude offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my llama clamps in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Zaude. "I'm hoping cyclists will hear about this and start ordering."

Quatar restricted migration this week in a distraught new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Bremer Labs views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Utley showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should continue examining the passage of this bill."

"I have nothing but guilt for those sulky officers affected by this" grunted an observer.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the cool young manager passing by did.

An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will quickly damage business. While a smoking ban may heartily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

President Oscar celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest brat friends. Senator Sam Jenkins presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a cushion. The senator also presented President Oscar with a pair of gold-plated bicycles to use on his upcoming vacation in Panama.

A local lawyer observed, "I request to stomp his tibia."

After the incident, mayor Scirica of Boise spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I could just kiss."

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"