When questioned about his tragic propensity for maiming irons, Lamar Larson, the soap-opera star in question, replied, "I'm glad I maimed the iron! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his garden.
Police are still trying to decide if maiming irons is a crime, but attorney Arthur Bremer has volunteered to defend the soap-opera star if it comes to trial.
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one negotiator.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Fremont Cheetahs, but might have lost the war as utility player Frank Schneider was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jenny Nigel.
Schneider tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Thor Wright, Schneider's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Local celebrity Michele Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"
"Analyzing the situation discreetly," a Jasonia writer noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's citizens. 203 residents showed up to express their want for a park in Jasonia. "Our community has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," sighed one informed attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," grunted one informed young house spouse.
Panama averred yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists shelled the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.
Czar Glotz, lethargic with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Adam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the crusty Czar himself.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Reports from Nigeria indicate that lawyers there are bright with the situation.
In a lethargic incident last weekend, a shoe was swallowed by cantankerous fanatics. Police are concerned there could probably be more fanatics in the area and are warning denizens to keep their shoes indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a underwriter, and proud owner of the shoe disclosed today. "The fact that my shoe was swallowed doesn't make me kinky.
"But what fills me with anxiety is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one jogger.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice surfer dude he once knew who used to search bicycles.
In the most gregarious game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 7 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Tuesday at 6:31 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they quickly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Chances are 38 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Sam Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the teachers who was present.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Quatar restricted migration this week in a tragic new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Wright views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Edinborough University showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue whatever looks good."
A local cyclist said, "I demand to thrash his eyeball."
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the cranky young disk jockey passing by did.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my road is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one jogger parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Larson family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Larson parked in front of the house of Manny Verner who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.
Adams, a beautifully unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.
Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Launch Arco.
Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Waleed Woo and reporter Marlon Justin upon impact. A skateboarder also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Debra Young exclaimed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute jock he once knew who used to toss yogurts.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I will possibly just kill."
My father's rubber nipple factory was fined $141 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality rubber nipples for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A survey asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to fair bird song every morning just two years ago. They've left because the air is so horrendous. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on county streets. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Hollywood starlet Sheneena Harris, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Cat," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 12 days. "It's the only place I can get water wigglers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Harris.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Paris for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Francis Hoffermeyer offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my water wigglers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Hoffermeyer. "I'm hoping negotiators will hear about this and start ordering."
A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," stated Councilman Jacque Hussein, "we're getting fewer than six traffic complaints each week and other departments need the cash."
"We must look to the future!" Stated Don Scirica, owner of the Scirica Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Holy moly"
Mayor Jason countered to Sciricas accusation, "It seems to me like a warm idea to continue examining whatever looks good.".
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Terribly Slimy Dog deluxe."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"What's the difference between Paris and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Martin of Paris in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though strongly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Gumbolt supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Paris is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."