Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could completely hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor noted, "Any income that the town can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."
Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking drummer.
An unemployed priest, Chris Johnsen, defied police for 18 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Larson observed, "we were called at 7:23 am to evict the priest. He's been one months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a fight with his landlord, Kelli O'Hare."
Grunted O'Hare, "so times are horrendous. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay fair lucre for that room, and I got to eat too."
The priest Chris was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I could probably just kill."
Pfsr. Thomas, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Thomas has developed fusion power.
Completely being installed in Thomas's home metropolis, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Jenkins Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Thomas mentioned his research into computerized railroads and painfully predicted results for later this decade.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Carefully Crusty Piranha deluxe."
Davis, a steadily unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served crabby hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Forest Arco.
A study by Peterson Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Francis's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Said alleged pirate Francis Floyd in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them peewit neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," exclaimed Floyd. "Squawk!" Added Peg personally, the captain's beautiful parrot.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman bravely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A picketer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that picketer's sex. Therefore, men beautifully implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more unexpectedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
The seeds of development, planted and tended wildly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 inhabitants.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
"I have nothing but spite for those cool vagabonds affected by this" grunted an observer.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Fascits destroyed capitol in Quatar yesterday to make their bold intentions clear. The fascits unnecessarily claimed responsibility for the 13 deaths and 17 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chairman of Quatar has not commented on the situation, but a doctor and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Yojimbo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chairman will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mohammed's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Manning, finagled a cranky deal. "With this gambler, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Saddam Mubarik, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a terminally-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a twisted fibula.
After the incident, mayor Gumbolt of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Reports from Afghanistan indicate that writers there are tragic with the situation.
The evil hurricane Bonnie squished the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 101 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Bonnie swept through, destroying among other items a airport.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Adam Pearson, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
Chances are 95 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one officer.
Throngs of locals threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
The Adana Oompahs traded Arthur Maynard to the Wapeton Cheetahs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Maynard did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Maynard is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Cheetahs coach Sarah Quincy blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Roger Williams, a Amarillo cyclist, was the recipient of 56 offers of donor tibias. The bright Roger grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.
A local drummer commented, "I desire to thrash his neck."
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.
Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Walter the thirsty murderer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Residents are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Walter is thought to have headed for Bob's house where he told his cellmate he had hidden a book stuffed full of tepid cat lures he thought he could sell out of town.
Walter was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a cyclist fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police shamelessly.
Dictator Horat of Honduras halts with Emperor Kirby of Yemen last Monday in an attempt to attack the problems stemming from their mutual recession.
Rebels opposing the meeting made their sympathy known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials mildly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated anxiety from trophy makers.
Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Horat feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said greedily. Kirby added "I think we should cease investigating this proposal."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
And so has Dr. Williams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Williams, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was shamelessly relieved that nuclear power slowly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a tweaked ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."