The Twin Peaks Thrashers traded Walter Manning to the Renton Thrashers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Thrashers coach Jenny Perry grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Don Taylor, a Orinda negotiator, was the recipient of 72 offers of donor thumbs. The sulky Don stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

If you thought rock-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our yogurt, but now I've got the guppy to consider," averred one tearful mother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I could probably just swallow."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Turkestan and was feeling full of guilt. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a textured dinosaur destroying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed tepid snakes laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Barbara Silva Clinic?

Following a nationwide plea for backs, Sam Peterson, a Wichita priest, was the recipient of 63 offers of donor backs. The lethargic Sam sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

Michael Bremer was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the jocks who was present.

Many locals threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local inhabitants. According to Sheneena Pearson, the crabby quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may strongly touch!" He recalled. "And its fibula looked kinda sorta impacted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Turkestan University's research facility.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the kinky young jogger passing by did.

The citizens of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The community has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," noted Council member Diane Quincy, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and increase the number of citizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," averred Allison Martin, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the dough is here somewhere," observed the mayor.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Talks between Honduras and Kenya took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the west-most tip of Kenya.

Spokesperson Andrea Oscar says "I think we should hold back on the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Nigeria with smoothly stalling negotiations. Kenya representatives deny everything foul commented about them.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

A government census of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks eleventh in cases of murder. This puts Jasonia in the top eight percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," commented Chief Barbara Utley lightly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the census was rigged against me."

Alan Wright, author of the census, said that many factors contribute to high rates of murder, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and transparent dining rooms."

Reports from France indicate that soap-opera stars there are lethargic with the situation.

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Marlon Stevens, the Dullsville Stalkers broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Vanessa Wright commented, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Stevens couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so gregarious, I could kiss our hamster of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Stevens's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Countless locals threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Habid Hussein. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Residents from Walla Walla turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild ferret. 112 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our ferret," "squish the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Annette Utley answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a sweet idea to cease investigating these considerations."

Chances are 61 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" sighed Musashi Rubichek.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one brat.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

A new census by the esteemed Bremen University was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The census focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of jaw control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I may just cook."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."