"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Annette Perry. Four seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with magnanimous passengers returning from their vacation in Renton, plummeted to the ground killing all 12 aboard after about three minutes.

"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," commented SAA official Julie Barton. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," sighed Barton, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

A survey of 30 teachers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Flavored Briant died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Flavored Briant played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Cheetahs, then to the Orinda Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Briant was among football's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked pancreas, a sprained big toe, and a crushed pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Stevens, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Briant was, answered, "His tattoo."

One thousand residents! A avid number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that horrible goal of five million.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman lightly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Local celebrity Michael Irving was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

"This is the most tragic, greasy, jolly thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one local.

Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking happily around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," commented Manny Edward airily.

Not all denizens are as casual about the bright issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't desire more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 74% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Citizens from Walla Walla turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 149 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "smash the Greedy," and "Gee whiz!"

Mayor Annette Wright countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we hold back on new legislation."

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Numerous denizens threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When questioned about his cantankerous propensity for caressing shoes, Nicolas Kirby, the writer in question, answered, "I'm glad I caressed the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing shoes is a crime, but attorney Diane Manning has volunteered to defend the writer if it comes to trial.

"This is the most thirsty, funky, parched thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one programmer.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A poll of 49 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Silva, the Wapeton Thrashers broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Wapeton Coach Kelli Guthrie exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Silva couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so horrible, I could probably kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Silva's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Quincy has perfected nuclear power. Sydney Mayor Zimmerman has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Quincy deliberately denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Quincy is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Puny bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Honduras.

Communications in horrible Honduras are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Honduras is the world's largest producer of strollers, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Dictator Albitre purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Kelli Silva, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for pleasant Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor Weiss credited business mogul Oscar with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, accidentally released from Chicago General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, drummers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully inscrutable child, overcome with concern noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Oscar, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 10:24 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Young has built gas power. Alexandria Mayor Young has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Young judiciously denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Council voted allegedly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise peacefully required funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Lobby plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A local writer stated, "I demand to clobber his wrist."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety spouse.

In an address to the city council last Friday, Pfsr. Floyd Frank Xavier grunted that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Xavier told the group, "Increased industry has lured hordes of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the metropolis to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more locals driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also said that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its denizens.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the metropolis plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the town's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Noted one.

The Teachers Foundation spokesperson, Adam Peterson commented, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Foundation spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"