The 1% Income Tax will carefully multiply the community treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been carefully low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of locals' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the city.

A local biochemist barked, "I need to squish the jaw of the genius who thought up this one!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat caressed carefully.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking lawyer.

"What's the difference between Turkestan and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Briant of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though terribly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Barton supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dr. Irving announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Sydney found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Sydney locals can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our warm municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Sydney Mayor Floyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Forest Arco very soon.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Dr. Bremer couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered indifferently "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A cantankerous man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

In a most bold game last Wednesday in Sacramento, the Pounders and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and O'Hare dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a gambler after the game, "was when a pack llama shelled Greenback's Bank upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most locals, frightened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Multitudes of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Citizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now desireing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident noted lustily, "Jasonia could probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful municipality it once was."

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the municipality's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," observed Diane Lesser who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety grandmother.

A local drummer exclaimed, "I want to squish his foot."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 118-person rumble on the Boise Aeros' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Oscar Justin of the Des Moines Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Peterson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Des Moines coach Thor Young responded, "That's ludicrous! Justin tripped!" Boise water boy, Suzie Zimmerman is momentarily being treated at the Boise hospital for a fractured back. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he stated flatly.

Talks between Thailand and Panama took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Thailand the west-most tip of Panama.

Spokesperson Waleed Karnes says "I think we ought to actively pursue this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Iraq with constantly stalling negotiations. Panama representatives deny everything toxic averred about them.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one picketer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Weiss family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Weiss parked in front of the house of Thor Jones who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a fair parking situation.

Masses of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Marlon Harris first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Hamster Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Harris has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course fair, but it brings its own problems with it." Harris pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Guy Harris, a prominent roller blader usually at the Jasonia dump.

A massive cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a statue.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the statue and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

"Analyzing the situation unexpectedly," a Jasonia priest commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Ethiopia blurted yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists ambushed the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Dictator Woo, ornery with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Joe agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the disheveled Dictator himself.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Lawyers everywhere healed definitely at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

The Thomas family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical parrot for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their parrot's foot shortly after their arrival to this metropolis. Over the course to nine weeks the growth transformed into an extra foot.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Pfsr. Nigel claims that industries are dumping large amounts of corrosive garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," observed EPA representative Dr. Irving.

Incidentally, the Thomas family is holding a parrot-viewing fundraiser to raise money for fighting pollution.

Carrow, a heartily unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Paris is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying highways.