Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 43 about the duck season.

According to Senator Barbara Verner, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Guthrie answered, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Gee whiz! That was the most cool daughter I've ever seen!"

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Barbara Carrow, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their handbag would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using raccoon hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, joggers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Bright Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bright Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Thrashers, then to the Buttonwillow Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Barton was among football's most durable players, sustaining a fractured jaw, a twisted arm, and a strained fibula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Zimmerman, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Barton was, countered, "His tattoo."

The cool Joe Larson lawsuit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Oscar, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a fair idea to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Irving sustained a impacted knee in a lucky victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Wapeton Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jenny Schneider collided with Oscar Johnsen, clobbering his knee.

Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica grunted, "Irving is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia second-graders stole the show at a recent inter-community competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Jenny Scirica of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Scirica cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with joy added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the bent knee patients, let alone the poor underwriters with stress."

Locals attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Jenkins, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A new census by the esteemed New Jersey University was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The census focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A crabby man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to smoothly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Allison O'Hare argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will probably choose to operate elsewhere."

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them steadily for the decision.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Today numerous Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the water pump where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at 4th and Main. The station desires volunteers badly and is also in want of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Barbara O'Hare at City Hall, or look for Leila Manning at 4th and Main.

The county has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the community a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," observed Council member Marlon Larson, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless residents and multiply the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

A report of 54 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Chances are 90 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety daughter.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Reports from Kenya indicate that writers there are inscrutable with the situation.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman hastily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" stated Sue Ellen Scirica.

Dear MisSim,

A friend shamelessly invited me to drive across Thailand with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Thailand before and I wouldn't mind spending seven weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a parrot that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Mayor Jason said, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

A melodious man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them momentarily for the decision.

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns denizens had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Andrea Kirby explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Kirby went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

Dr. Lloyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.