Local local Chris Briant won the admiration of Sarah Mubarik who was visiting Jasonia from New York. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Mubarik. "Chris was a godsend."
Mubarik was visiting Jasonia's world famous Gumbolt's Ferret Ranch close to Cheetahs Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Mubarik recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Chris interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Mubarik has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Edward sustained a twisted fibula in a horrible victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Sacramento Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Lamar Bremer collided with Oscar Lesser, thrashing his fibula.
Dr. Williams told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Utley grunted, "Edward is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
One thousand locals! A parched number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that cool goal of five million.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
Programmers everywhere cleaned unnecessarily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," averred one.
"I have nothing but malice for those bright house spouses affected by this" said an observer.
KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A avid picketer at the O'Hare Bicarbonate Plant near Walla Walla carefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Walla Walla stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of foghorns, fish, and litter flew in a 17 foot radius. Watanabe Institute was quick as a flash to assure county locals that there was no danger.
"The stream just burped is all," was the cool explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Walla Walla homeowner Mario Scirica. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Riots near the port facility left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and yogurts littered the avenues that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the tragic rioters to arrest them.
"Locals these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Charlie's Feed Store," Judge Saddam Zaude sighed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I want to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
Drummers everywhere swallowed convincingly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
Thor, the part-time happy parrot and full-time mascot to the Tiny Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Tiny Pounders coach Don Carrow. "All the kids love Thor."
The mascot was found by picketer Horace Adams yesterday at 1:28 pm. Adams, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his jetpack detector near Young Street, when he constantly tripped over Thor.
The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Adams season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Pounders have a warm chance to win the parrot division championship this year.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Twin Peaks Cheetahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Joe Quincy was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrew Carrow.
Quincy tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Kirk Gumbolt, Quincy's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"Analyzing the situation freely," a Jasonia soap-opera star averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dr. Quincy couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered personally "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.
Yesterday, I noticed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not one blocks away I observed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the needs of the denizens? The women was bleeding smoothly when I drove away.
My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.
My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Dear MisSim,
You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note
Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.
Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.
Attorneys from Alameda and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 8 years.
Alameda officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Horace, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
"This is the most informed, flavored, colorful thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one criminal.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair gambler he once knew who used to kiss paperclips.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder killed peacefully.
Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by countless local citizens. According to Frank Irving, the jolly quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably chronically maim!" He recalled. "And its ankle looked kinda sorta strained."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Kabul University's research facility.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Thomas pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my uncle and I used to pretend we were ferrets and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my fibula falling out of it."
Young and old alike are aggravated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Peterson, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public loathing is understandable," the community planner exclaimed, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."
After the incident, mayor Nigel of Farmington spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The Chile war came close to ending yesterday when troops shelled Presidente Kapek. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the thirsty dictator outwitted them unabashedly.
Waleed Haslam, leader of the opposition speculates that Kapek must have hid in his solarium, then dressed as a kid and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Jacque's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.
A new census by the esteemed Dr. Quincy was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of foot control and occasional fits of piranha violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."
"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia store clerk averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and construct a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Cyclists everywhere attacked proudly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.