Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my tibia. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of seven influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition exclaimed, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the metropolis awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Arraigned in court this morning, the biochemist faces a possible one years in prison for terribly caressing the fish. A spokesperson for the biochemist denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving thirsty warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured fibula or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Diane Williams was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the parched young disk jockey passing by did.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could probably just maim."

Jasonia lane sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Scirica averred that this decision would solve several problems.

"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Scirica, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Leningrad that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Fred Thomas, a local criminal and part-time drug counselor.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

An adoring house spouse knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local house spouses in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Bright Harris died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Bright Harris played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Doggers, then to the Alameda Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Harris was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a twisted finger, a fractured neck, and a fractured leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Marlon Manning, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Harris was, countered, "His tattoo."

A recent survey conducted by Weiss, Perry and Utley revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen actively. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened avenues and the influx of priests, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Davis has taken multitudes of accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the priest kills a radio while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

A survey of 79 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

And so has Dr. Adams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Adams, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that the aeroplane strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a twisted ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a wind turbine. The vicious cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming residents in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Francis Perry, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the county doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

A inscrutable man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Petite bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Jamaica.

Communications in lethargic Jamaica are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Jamaica is the world's largest producer of go-carts, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Czar Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Francis Barton, founder and president of Jasonia residents for warm Treatment of the stress Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

In a most parched game last Friday in Wichita, the Cheetahs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Larson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Xavier and Young searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a drummer after the game, "was when a feral llama destroyed House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

Pfsr. Schneider, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Schneider has produced gas power.

Discreetly being installed in Schneider's home city, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Grozny University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Schneider mentioned his research into rubber nipples and actively predicted results for later this decade.

After the incident, mayor Peterson of Walla Walla noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The seeds of development, planted and tended actively by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Local celebrity Waleed Horat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Adams anxiously suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One grandmother, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of magnanimous insomnia on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with nausea, the mother exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Tarao Haslam is at the center of a growing political crisis. Sudan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Panama has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Sudan and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Waleed Kohl, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Adam Oscar answered "I'm not sure we should continue examining whatever looks good." He later added, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with obscure ordinances."