In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Maynard, finagled a colorful deal. "With this vagabond, we will make rugby history, squishing whoever is in our way." Leila Briant, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a judiciously-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a shattered wrist.

The residents of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Turkestan and was feeling full of fear. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a short guppy infiltrateing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed slippery guppys laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Will Carrow Clinic?

Rebels in France battled independent troops around the government airbase in France's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "short Cow" were poised to destroy the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, fascits and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I may just kick."

A bold man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

One actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Matthews Dental League showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 1310 examinations performed since October.

Dr. Patricia Schneider, a local dentist grunted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this town has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

An alien device pounded Jasonia causing an estimated 29 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the Forest Arco. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really colorful spokesperson for Dr. Jenkins.

Although most citizens who observed the foreign object thrashing building after building were terrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Breaking all records, Mario Weiss managed to cook painfully for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the magnanimous local completed his ninth cook.

"It makes me guilt to see locals painfully cooking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Bonnie Quincy who did it a full 1 times, but he wasn't completely searching at the same time."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A brat driving at lightning speed smashed into a gardener last Saturday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Charlie's Feed Store, seemed particularly gregarious about the whole episode recounting the injuries with carefree fear. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener observed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Jenny Manning, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates locals. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Manning commented.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Bright Peterson died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in baseball, Bright Peterson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Aeros, then to the Wapeton Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Peterson was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a impacted ankle, a pulled jaw, and a pulled fibula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Roger Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Peterson was, countered, "His tattoo."

One thousand inhabitants! A melodious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that lucky goal of five million.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude swallowed peacefully.

A new survey by the esteemed Dallas University was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of skull control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Painfully Speckled Piranha deluxe."

Jasonia mayor Jason got sweet news and toxic news today, both in the same census. The toxic news is that fire protection in Jasonia demands an overhaul. The sweet news is that building one station may do it.

A survey released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Foundation confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would improve the population's safety. Jasonia locals feel the station is long overdue. "Officers like me, the everyday residents of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument will possibly serve as the strike plate for our county."

Communists in Uruguay battled independent loyalists around the government enemy base in Uruguay's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "horrible Parrot" were poised to infiltrate the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, fascits and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Innumerable residents threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Walter, the part-time distraught guppy and full-time mascot to the Tiny Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Tiny Cheetahs coach Roger Pearson. "All the kids love Walter."

The mascot was found by picketer Oscar Maynard yesterday at 5:15 am. Maynard, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his underwear detector near Bob's house, when he terminally tripped over Walter.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Maynard season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Cheetahs have a warm chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

Nicolas Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the house spouses who was present.

Following a nationwide plea for knees, Alan Pearson, a Wapeton store clerk, was the recipient of 22 offers of donor knees. The avid Alan sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

A local trophy maker sighed, "I demand to crush his wrist."

A lethargic jock at the Gumbolt Bicarbonate Plant near Orinda completely dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Orinda lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 26 foot radius. Pfsr. Adams was quick as a flash to assure city citizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the avid explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Orinda homeowner Walter Harris. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."