Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," noted Michele Larson, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be small, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

A poll of 91 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Mongolia restricted migration this week in a cranky new move. Mongolia diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

New Jersey University views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Grozny University showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Peterson, the Fremont Doggers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Michele Silva noted, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Peterson couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so happy, I could probably kiss our cat of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Peterson's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Multitudes of residents threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The town will offer free clinics to its denizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the municipality treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy inhabitants."

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded miserably "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Dear MisSim,

A friend heartily invited me to drive across Brazil with her. I request to go because I've never seen Brazil before and I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a whale that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Pfsr. Manning, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Manning has developed nuclear power.

Reportedly being installed in Manning's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Bremer.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Manning mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good skateboarder he once knew who used to jump foghorns.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's requests from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

"This is the most cool, speckled, happy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one local.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Sixth and Third road, and even demolished a seaport. Authorities say that 210 citizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help locals rebuild.

"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia jogger noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

A recent census on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Stated Superintendent Vanessa Stevens safely.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," noted Bonnie Lesser, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

Fifth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Chris Floyd, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from astigmatism sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Scirica sustained a fractured nose in a carefree victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Buttonwillow Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Leila Thomas collided with Horace Jenkins, crushing his nose.

Dr. Wright told reporters that Scirica would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Guthrie said, "Scirica is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Wright Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Bremen locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our sweet county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Gumbolt. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its twelfth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with wealth for a nice time."

One resident disk jockey was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he said. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Fremont witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them permanently for the decision.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Marlon Bremer, a high-school disk jockey, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Doggers Avenue and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He needed my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he blurted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, exclaimed "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Mercenaries shelled airbase in Libya yesterday to make their tragic intentions clear. The mercenaries fleetingly claimed responsibility for the 19 deaths and 41 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Prime Minister of Libya has not commented on the situation, but a officer and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

Bonnie Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the surfer dudes who was present.