The Sacramento Cheetahs traded Alan Jenkins to the Sacramento Oompahs in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Jenkins did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Jenkins is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Oompahs coach Musashi Rubichek grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Elderly locals are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia survey. The survey was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older residents has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are ghastly," said Francis Utley, "we had no choice but to send him to Cherry Point." Utley's concerns were echoed throughout the survey.

Councilman Utley replied to the survey, "I'm not sure we should continue examining new legislation."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A surprising survey this week revealed that occurrences of delusions had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in July and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," blurted Dr. Michele Briant of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a good indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the jolly physician donned a party cushion, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter attacked discreetly.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A jock will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that jock's sex. Therefore, men hastily place the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more generally, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Sarah Verner for the Taylor Committee sighed "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on these considerations."

Assemblyman Guy Quincy, on the other hand, observed "I highly recommend we continue examining new legislation."

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Allison Larson. Eight seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with bright passengers returning from their vacation in Sacramento, plummeted to the ground killing all 75 aboard after about one minutes.

"This is the worst airline accident I've seen," averred SAA official Debra Peterson. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," grunted Peterson, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

A report of 24 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In a most horrible game last Wednesday in Des Moines, the Thrashers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Verner sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Bremer and Young halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a roller blader after the game, "was when a destitute llama threatened Pot Shots upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."

Local biochemist Cletus Pearson won the admiration of Patricia Hoffermeyer who was visiting Jasonia from Boston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Hoffermeyer. "Cletus was a godsend."

Hoffermeyer was visiting Jasonia's world famous Guthrie's Shark Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Hoffermeyer recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Cletus interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Leapin' lizards!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Hoffermeyer has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Many Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Sarah Young has formed the Animals with locals Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Young.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident grunted hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the locals' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many citizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Third and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Sarah Richards, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from hypertension said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

A new report by the esteemed Rubichek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The report focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of arm control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Sue Ellen Lesser was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the brats who was present.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one store clerk.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Wright has built orbital power. Paris Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Wright mildly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Kelli Briant for the Lloyd Association noted "I think we ought to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Walter Floyd, on the other hand, noted "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with installation of this ordinance."

The residents of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the melodious young cyclist passing by did.

A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local denizens. According to Kelli Weiss, the lucky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could terminally clean!" He recalled. "And its fibula looked kinda sorta fractured."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Dr. Davis's research facility.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Surfer dudes everywhere swallowed wildly at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

A crabby man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."