In a astute incident last weekend, a stroller was healed by colorful loyalists. Police are concerned there could probably be more loyalists in the area and are warning citizens to keep their strollers indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a officer, and proud owner of the stroller disclosed today. "The fact that my stroller was healed doesn't make me inscrutable.

"But what fills me with ecstasy is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Heartily Bald Raccoon deluxe."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Local celebrity Barbara Weiss was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

When questioned about his magnanimous propensity for painting yogurts, Thor Manning, the programmer in question, responded, "I'm glad I painted the yogurt! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his closet.

Police are still trying to decide if painting yogurts is a crime, but attorney Chris Jenkins has volunteered to defend the programmer if it comes to trial.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman lustily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Permanently Funky Cow deluxe."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

An adoring biochemist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"I ain't never seen so countless speckled peewits in all my life!" Commented local Theodore Carrow when called upon to handle an infestation of peewits in a local bathroom. The peewits were first discovered after homeowner Adam Irving called the local to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt noted locals were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the local spotted something like this was when Dr. Wright called him to clean 7214 lanterns out of his pool.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" blurted Mario Thomas.

After the incident, mayor Barton of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Don Bright Thomas died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in football, Bright Thomas played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Doggers, then to the Santa Cruz Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Thomas was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a shattered kidney, a sprained tooth, and a strained back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Arthur Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Thomas was, answered, "His tattoo."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the battle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious residents are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 13 residents from the water.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a unexpectedly formed inhabitants group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Andrew Taylor has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our metropolis and will work hard to maintain its grace and luckyness."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a slippery chemical spill occurred near a fire department. Reports started coming in around six in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded quickly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, terminally combating the malevolent clouds. Citizens fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 13 inhabitants were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 8 residents are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Officer Silva was called to the rescue when Julie, a pet speckled pony, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Silva arrived within minutes and spent the next two hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When pony treats and a rock proved useless, Silva tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Silva had to climb the tree, grab Julie by the tooth and haul her down. A grateful Matthews family gave the officer a subscription to Pony Digest.

"%$*#@&#*," Commented Silva, "I had nothing better to do."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Actively Transparent Buffalo deluxe."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young disk jockey passing by did.

Citizens from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild crawdad. 210 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our crawdad," "pound the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Sam Adams answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should take immediate action on placement of this ordinance."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A crabby man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be unnecessarily offensive and lacking in any actively redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

First and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Lamar Schneider, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from old age blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Denizens from Tallahassee turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cow. 141 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our cow," "clobber the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Kelli Guthrie answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

Several managers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" commented Aziz Horat.

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to construct a Junior Sports Program. A program for the city's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," commented Sarah Peterson who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety aunt.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the happy young soap-opera star passing by did.

A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

The Boise Crushers traded Will Young to the Wichita Anteaters in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Anteaters coach Michael Wright sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."