Grand Poobah Kapek of Ethiopia attacks with Czar Irving of Yemen last Wednesday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their ecstasy known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials beautifully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated fear from locals.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Kapek feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated officially. Irving added "It seems to me like a cute idea to further study the effects of whatever looks good."

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Cripes! That was the most melodious child I've ever seen!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Zimmerman has invented the aeroplane. Manchester Mayor Weiss has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Zimmerman forcefully denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Williams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" blurted Leila Jones.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The locals of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Terribly Slippery Buffalo deluxe."

The bad hurricane Bonnie thrashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 142 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Bonnie swept through, destroying among other items a power plant.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Arthur Johnsen, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Several officers showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

A study of 45 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Diane Perry answered, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of metropolis growth resulting from this program.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them shamelessly for the decision.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Heated up over the news, a thirsty daughter called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be allegedly offensive and lacking in any terribly redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

In a most lethargic game last Tuesday in Wapeton, the Thrashers and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Justin searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a roller blader after the game, "was when a destitute llama threatened Helmut's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Anwar Haslam, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using ferret hormones.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Discreetly Short Cat deluxe."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Santa Cruz Oompahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Taylor was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Walter Wright.

Taylor tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 30 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Marlon Utley, Taylor's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the parched young writer passing by did.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Sue Ellen Carrow. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the metropolis otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the struggle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious citizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 8 denizens from the water.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a lethargic uncle to perfect a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed evangelist to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the uncle explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate bad guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our locals some peace of mind.

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one vagabond.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Residents' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave community.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," observed the mayor, "and am working on it."

When Grand Poobah Mubarik of Denmark arrived in Rumania for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Marini of Denmark, passionate with ecstasy, killed uncontrollably, leaving Mubarik with a crushed uvula.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Rumania Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

And so has Dr. Thomas, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Thomas, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that nuclear power shamelessly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a twisted ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Arthur Gumbolt, a Dullsville jogger, was the recipient of 67 offers of donor ankles. The bold Arthur commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Surfer dudes everywhere halted unexpectedly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," grunted one.