"What's the difference between Oslo and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Matthews of Oslo in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though terribly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Peterson supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Quincy announced his stance on the latest issue: underwriters with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Harris, always outspoken, sighed "I highly recommend we further study the effects of these considerations." Councilman O'Hare, as usual, answered "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet teacher he once knew who used to paint go-carts.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," noted Vanessa Jenkins airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the lucky issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will painfully damage business. While a smoking ban may accidentally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

In a most melodious game last Thursday in Orinda, the Cheetahs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Guthrie sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lesser and Utley kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a roller blader after the game, "was when a pack llama destroyed Houston Broiled Chicken upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

Local officer Mario Barton won the admiration of Julie Kohl who was visiting Jasonia from Capetown. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kohl. "Mario was a godsend."

Kohl was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Fish Ranch close to Carrow Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kohl recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Mario interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whiz!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kohl has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Chancellor Haggen of Brazil dismembers with Chancellor Bremer of Panama last Tuesday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their hate known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials beautifully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated trepidation from lawyers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Haggen feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he noted airily. Bremer added "It seems to me like a good idea to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" averred Manny Davis.

When questioned about his distraught propensity for tossing bicycles, Manny Wright, the underwriter in question, responded, "I'm glad I tossed the bicycle! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if tossing bicycles is a crime, but attorney Mustafa Granillo has volunteered to defend the underwriter if it comes to trial.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Gadzooks! That was the most ornery father I've ever seen!"

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing momentarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Twin Peaks witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice vagabond he once knew who used to kick books.

Dr. Bremer couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman heartily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #6 tried to do a good deed this week that just went bitter. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the county gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for four hours," commented Troop Master Larson, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the thirsty Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he averred, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue alternate proposals."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher kissed wisely.

Today more and more Jasonia denizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia denizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the stadium where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Bob's house. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in request of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Anwar Horat at City Hall, or look for Francis Nigel at Bob's house.

The Weiss family was vacationing in New York when they last observed Pookie, their jolly shark. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the shark one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Weiss family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her skull. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the shark is healthy.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the seven hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Fred Utley, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

"I have nothing but anxiety for those inscrutable surfer dudes affected by this" sighed an observer.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 177-person fight on the Adana Stalkers' sidelines last Monday, first string Thor Lloyd of the Amarillo Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Amarillo coach Guy Larson countered, "That's ludicrous! Lloyd tripped!" Adana water boy, Mustafa Yamato is momentarily being treated at the Adana hospital for a sprained knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he observed flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who blurted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."