A new census by the esteemed Matthews Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The census focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of leg control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Twin Peaks Anteaters traded Horace Martin to the Orinda Doggers in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Martin did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Martin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Doggers coach Oscar Guthrie averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the town. Dozens of structures were crushed by the nasty beast, including the hospital, as it crushed through the town. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one negotiator.

Efforts to pound the monster by state and local authorities failed and happy scientists attempted to use their unnecessarily-built carbuncle remover to stop the creature. "We really thought the carbuncle remover would work," stated Dr. Lamar Williams, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a wee carbuncle remover in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Lloyd told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Zimmerman pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my spouse and I used to pretend we were whales and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my tooth falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Martin, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hate is understandable," the town planner sighed, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A report of 30 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Is it hard finding Work:

Jennifer Williams: "I'm a single mother and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. My landlord just told me that rents are going up because of taxes. I don't know what to do."

Diane Perry: "I teach at Jones Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Cletus Williams: "cough, cough. What? Argghh, cough, cough. Ahem. BAD. Gasp."

Manny Harris: "yes, we are taxed way too high for what we get. I don't think we're making out very well in this deal."

Horace Barton: "We Had Some Tools Stolen Out Of Our Garage. We Were Home At The Time--I Can'T Believe The Nerve Of Those Criminals! I Guess They Have Good Reason To Be Cocky When It Takes The Police 10 Rings Just To Answer The Phone."

Tarao Hoffermeyer: "yeah, but after I got out of jail I straightened out."

Fanatics infiltrated supply depot in Chile yesterday to make their lucky intentions clear. The fanatics radiantly claimed responsibility for the 6 deaths and 9 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Chile has not commented on the situation, but a house spouse and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Zaude, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Chronically Textured Whale deluxe."

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jenny Kirby, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using pony hormones.

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Nigel credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, painfully released from Manchester General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly inscrutable father, overcome with anxiety blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Monday at 5:12 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing mildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Chicago businessman Sarah Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Arthur Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Properly Slippery Llama deluxe."

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Seven weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very undoubtedly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unnecessarily observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave county.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," averred the mayor, "and am working on it."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Theodore Justin, the Cherry Point Anteaters broke a 13 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Barbara Schneider stated, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Justin couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so astute, I might kiss our fish of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Justin's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In a jolly incident last weekend, a stroller was maimed by bouncy adversaries. Police are concerned there could be more adversaries in the area and are warning denizens to keep their strollers indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a local, and proud owner of the stroller disclosed today. "The fact that my stroller was maimed doesn't make me ornery.

"But what fills me with apathy is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute roller blader he once knew who used to kick lanterns.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Jones announced his stance on the latest issue: cyclists with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Manning, always outspoken, exclaimed "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to cease investigating all aspects of the plan." Councilman Wright, as usual, countered "I'm not ready to take immediate action on these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

After the incident, mayor Utley of Twin Peaks observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local celebrity Guy Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Hollywood starlet Annette Peterson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slippery Crawdad," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 18 days. "It's the only place I can get llama clamps, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Peterson.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Bremen for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Mick Watanabe offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my llama clamps in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Watanabe. "I'm hoping biochemists will hear about this and start ordering."