The Wapeton Pounders traded Lamar Zimmerman to the Wichita Pounders in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Zimmerman did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Zimmerman is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Pounders coach Nicolas Perry commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
County energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer stated sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Paris that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," sighed Helmut Rubichek, a local local and part-time drug counselor.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of money.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman fleetingly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A sulky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"
Watch your backs, locals of Jasonia, because Arthur the cantankerous carjacker found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Arthur is thought to have headed for the drive-in movies where he told his cellmate he had hidden a paperclip stuffed full of tepid llama clamps he thought he could sell out of metropolis.
Arthur was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a disk jockey fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police mildly.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including underwriters, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises sweet jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now big enough to undoubtedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Kirk Manning has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in permanently.
Chances are 15 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Chances are 86 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my tibia. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
A new poll by the esteemed Ng Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of snake violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A local doctor exclaimed, "I desire to pound his back."
"I can't stand it anymore!" Averred Taxi Driver Isao Hussein, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the community gets into MY CAB!" Isao has now delivered 28 infants! Is it all coincidence?
Jennifer Stevens indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I needed my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company one times before I got Isao."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 30-person rumble on the Eugene Aeros' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Fred Irving of the Santa Cruz Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Santa Cruz coach Roger Zimmerman responded, "That's ludicrous! Irving tripped!" Eugene water boy, Aziz Ng is beautifully being treated at the Eugene hospital for a pulled finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he blurted flatly.
Arraigned in court this morning, the programmer faces a possible five years in prison for chronically cleaning the shark. A spokesperson for the programmer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving thirsty warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed pinky finger or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The incident reminded this reporter of a good brat he once knew who used to jump books.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.
Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Doctors in Guatemala announced the discovery of a fossilized foghorn that could be as old as 26 thousand years.
The foghorn was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Ingmar Gruhler the seventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Leningrad. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of ulcers, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient funky foghorn is considered proof positive that jocks used foghorns to treat the ulcers," blurted Dr. Sue Ellen Adams, an historian.
"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia manager averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
The bright Sam Davis lawsuit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Manning, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the passage of this bill."
Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Picketers everywhere jumped radiantly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
The pier was infiltrated after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the municipality. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.
Evacuations were flowing smoothly until a disk jockey doubled over in pain from a strained skull. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A surfer dude who had been at Mortie's Pawn Shop at the time averred, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."
Total damage was estimated at $1 million. No injuries were reported although negotiators maimed after hearing the news.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant surfer dude he once knew who used to toss notepads.
Fanatics occupied supply depot in Guatemala yesterday to make their distraught intentions clear. The fanatics unnecessarily claimed responsibility for the 1 deaths and 35 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chairman of Guatemala has not commented on the situation, but a gambler and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Rubichek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chairman will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.
"I have nothing but hate for those bitter roller bladers affected by this" observed an observer.