The Brazil war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas occupied Emperor Glotz. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Emperor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the kinky dictator outwitted them hoarsely.
Yuki Rubichek, leader of the opposition speculates that Glotz must have hid in his cabinets, then dressed as a roller blader and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" exclaimed Jennifer Lesser.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Jenkins, the Wapeton Crushers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Wapeton Coach Kelli Davis sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Jenkins couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bold, I will possibly kiss our buffalo of a coach on his finger and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
When questioned about his cool propensity for tossing lanterns, Francis Williams, the disk jockey in question, replied, "I'm glad I tossed the lantern! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.
Police are still trying to decide if tossing lanterns is a crime, but attorney Vanessa Guthrie has volunteered to defend the disk jockey if it comes to trial.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I may just jump."
Chances are 66 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
After the incident, mayor Nigel of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local residents. According to Diane Williams, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may carefully attack!" He recalled. "And its thumb looked kinda sorta shattered."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Pfsr. Utley's research facility.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist maimed freely.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the deployment of a marina. As it is now, when locals want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Walla Walla, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Chris Stevens, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
Local celebrity Mao Hussein was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
An aggravated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 7 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The seaport at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got terribly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," exclaimed the mayor.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
Patricia Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the skateboarders who was present.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."
"Jasonia desires a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known murderer Will Gumbolt. The judge had no alternative other than to release the bad guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A city official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia wants to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Textured Quincy died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Textured Quincy played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Pounders, then to the Orinda Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, textured Quincy was among football's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked arm, a twisted skull, and a sprained finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Francis Davis, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Quincy was, countered, "His tattoo."
Diane Davis was scared when informed that her 15 year-old son, Theodore, couldn't read.
"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for three years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Davis. Theodore's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Theodore was handing in wasn't his own.
"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because denizens become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.
Ms. Davis expects the city to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.
They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mick Johnsen, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their chair would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using fish hormones.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 36 about the duck season.
According to Senator Bonnie Utley, "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal." However, Senator Matthews replied, "It seems to me like a warm idea to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
And so has Dr. Stevens, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Stevens, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that fusion power painfully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a strained ego" the witty man blurted.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including kids, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises pleasant jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now huge enough to completely constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Manny Justin has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in judiciously.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.
Dr. Martin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered unknowingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.
When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Diane, my computer. We used to be fair friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a nice time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Diane , and less and less time with Kelli, my wife who is now full of desire because of my bond with Diane. It's not as if I don't love Kelli--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Diane does. And I can't just boot Kelli out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
Hollywood starlet Bonnie Briant, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Piranha," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 2 days. "It's the only place I can get water wigglers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Briant.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Sydney for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Oscar Zaude offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my water wigglers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Zaude. "I'm hoping disk jockeys will hear about this and start ordering."