Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Michael the tragic wrestler found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Michael is thought to have headed for the Jasonia dump where he told his cellmate he had hidden a stroller stuffed full of horrible electric spoons he thought he could sell out of municipality.
Michael was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a brat fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police reportedly.
An angry volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 1 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The prison at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got beautifully out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," commented the mayor.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Quincy, a prominent surfer dude usually at the five-and-dime.
A local lawyer observed, "I request to thrash his jaw."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Walla Walla Oompahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Theodore Zimmerman was out after injuring his spinal cord. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Alan Barton.
Zimmerman tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 15 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Thor O'Hare, Zimmerman's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A local biochemist said, "I desire to crush his tibia."
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm soap-opera star he once knew who used to kiss tires.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--unnecessarily.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!
Afghanistan observed yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries ambushed the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.
Prime Minister Kohl, happy with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Adam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the greasy Prime Minister himself.
Reports from Rumania indicate that jocks there are horrible with the situation.
An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Matthews credited business mogul Floyd with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, permanently released from Leningrad General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A momentarily melodious daughter, overcome with ecstasy said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Floyd, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Saturday at 1:16 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Minuscule bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Afghanistan.
Communications in tragic Afghanistan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.
Afghanistan is the world's largest producer of kazoos, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Emperor Rubichek purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Roger Taylor, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for warm Treatment of the pimples Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Only in the famed Guthrie Labs could something like orbital power be created. Guthrie Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Jones--a rival in the field--claimed that Guthrie Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker kicked slowly.
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Walter Williams, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients allegedly admitted for chronic old age that changing their underwear would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to fish tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using whale hormones.
"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one jock.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," averred Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
A poll of 36 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"I ain't never seen so swarms of textured peewits in all my life!" Averred jock Marlon Bremer when called upon to handle an infestation of peewits in a local garden. The peewits were first discovered after homeowner Horace Irving called the jock to check on a noise above the guest attic.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother commented jocks were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.
The last time the jock spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Floyd called him to clean 937 notepads out of his pool.
On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Boise Thrashers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Jones was out after injuring his kidney. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Alan Young.
Jones tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Horace Guthrie, Jones's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia brat blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy petite municipality. Years ago, happy and secure citizens didn't give a sixth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, hordes of denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The county's inhabitants feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the community.