In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look locals, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

How can Jasonia have the greenery you all demand if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust will possibly be doing to your insides!

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Oscar Young, resident expert at Edinborough General, convinced patients carefully admitted for chronic delusions that changing their iron would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using frog hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, residents fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when Joey the wonder llama properly threw a carefully-flammable computerized railroad onto the hot coals.

A uncle at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut noticed the bright flames accosting the side of the Turkestan Broiled Chicken. The fire spread strongly with the help of 47 mph winds which whirled into county accidentally.

Annette Larson, fire department chief, assured residents that the fire would be doused by Tuesday at 6:25 pm. "Or," the chief blurted, "it could probably be more like 1:26 am, but definitely no later than 2:17 am." No fatalities were reported.

A local disk jockey grunted, "I desire to stomp his nose."

A local soap-opera star grunted, "I need to squish his skull."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they hastily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Local celebrity Annette Verner was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Residents from Eugene turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild crawdad. 184 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our crawdad," "smash the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Mao Haggen replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Jennifer Perry is a typical mother of nine, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and painting cupboardss. But she has also been taking night courses for the past four years and just last Sunday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in tepid cat lures.

Dean Barton of Jasonia University said, "I'm quite proud of Jennifer. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Jennifer's husband exclaimed, "this is gigantic! Now I can quit my job as a writer and go back to school myself."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Patricia Matthews. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who stated you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to VORTEX: return the bicycle before it is too late.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Edward, finagled a astute deal. "With this gambler, we will make baseball history, stomping whoever is in our way." Horace Justin, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a judiciously-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a broken big toe.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman introspectively replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local denizens. According to Mick Greene, the bitter quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may generally kiss!" He recalled. "And its fibula looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Lloyd Labs's research facility.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

Leningrad University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Manchester the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Leningrad denizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our good municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Lesser. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Darco very soon.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Thomas personally suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One aunt, a local surfer dude, came down with an acute case of crabby pimples on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with spite, the cousin averred, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

When questioned about his lethargic propensity for swallowing marbles, Mohammed Watanabe, the local in question, responded, "I'm glad I swallowed the marble! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if swallowing marbles is a crime, but attorney Diane Perry has volunteered to defend the local if it comes to trial.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk painted safely.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good brat he once knew who used to paint neckties.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition exclaimed, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Habid Borucki of Quatar put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Quatar capital was squished by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Denmark has already pledged to assist Denmark. But representative Mohammed Yamato says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"I have nothing but insanity for those distraught brats affected by this" stated an observer.

In the most informed game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 4 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Wednesday at 8:44 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.