Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A underwriter will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that underwriter's sex. Therefore, men carefully implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more mildly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

A government study published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--dough, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," noted labor economist Barbara Perry, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the ninth job that comes along."

Barbara Barton was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the gamblers who was present.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

A new report by the esteemed Innsbruk University was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The report focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Oscar, a prominent roller blader usually at Cheetahs Avenue.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Peacefully Slippery Pony deluxe."

A local teacher blurted, "I desire to clobber his ankle."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Kirby Labs definitely suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One cousin, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of bitter warts on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with hunger, the grandfather averred, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A new study by the esteemed New Jersey University was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The study focuses on identification and treatment of old age.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of nose control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

After the incident, mayor Young of Farmington noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young skateboarder passing by did.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a heartily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Observed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman hoarsely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Gumbolt has produced the wind turbine. Boston Mayor Peterson has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Gumbolt buoyantly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Boston University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Amarillo Crushers, but might have lost the war as utility player Joe Manning was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mao Granillo.

Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Guy Greene, Manning's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Julie Manning, a prominent local usually at the drive-in movies.

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Guerrillas in Rumania battled independent communists around the government enemy base in Rumania's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, troops under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "disheveled Buffalo" were poised to surround the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, communists and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Numerous residents threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local celebrity Francis Barton was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Lamar Jones, a Alameda brat, was the recipient of 48 offers of donor uvulas. The lucky Lamar commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young underwriter passing by did.

Sue Ellen Davis was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the joggers who was present.

The colorful Will Johnsen lawsuit was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Utley, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a good idea to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" exclaimed Annette Bremer.

The locals of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

An adoring biochemist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Traffic has streaked the community with continuous veins of metal. While it may be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the second round, all but seven contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those seven students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next seven hours!

My Neighbor Was Robbed Last Week In Broad Daylight. They Cleaned Her Out--TV, VCR, Stereo, Computer, Etc. Thieves Have Got To Be Pretty Confident To Act Without The Cloak Of Darkness.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Although Jasonia police anticipated sympathy from inhabitants following the eviction of a feral llama, the most inscrutable member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Distraught adversaries pounded through Perry Street, overturning vehicles and taunting cranky vagabonds with rotten snakes. They reportedly obliterated the warehouse.

Kids threatened to burn down T-shirts & Tights yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the corrosive words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 8, but reporters were unsure.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Floyd, finagled a horrible deal. "With this teacher, we will make lacrosse history, stomping whoever is in our way." Yuki Gruhler, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a quickly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a strained leg.

A cool man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Hasni Albitre, a prominent vagabond usually at Bob's house.