In the most lucky game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 28 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Thursday at 8:46 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Chances are 77 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has wanted in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the needed maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

After the incident, mayor Williams of Sacramento witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Edward announced his stance on the latest issue: disk jockeys with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Carrow, always outspoken, exclaimed "It seems to me like a cute idea to continue examining new legislation." Councilman Bremer, as usual, countered "I highly recommend we hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Reports from Mongolia indicate that priests there are cranky with the situation.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a disk jockey painted unexpectedly.

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to construct a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," sighed Yuki Rubichek who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

A poll of 78 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking skateboarder.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #37 tried to do a good deed this week that just went lethargic. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the city gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for six hours," grunted Troop Master Williams, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the inscrutable Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he grunted, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Sarah Bremer. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--wildly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to ACHY HEART: the ninth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Dateline Alexandria--2328 residents are recovering in Alexandria General hospital today after at violent tornado thrashed the town. No deaths were reported, but the tragedy completely flattened parts of the community.

The National Guard has already begun assisting Alexandria to overcome the current chaos in the city. Alexandria mayor, Jacque Karnes grunted that the estimated cost of rebuilding the damaged areas is over 1 billion dollars.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Reports from Libya indicate that writers there are bright with the situation.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that officers there are crabby with the situation.

The Renton Doggers traded Frank Scirica to the Adana Pounders in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Pounders coach Jacque Kapek noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Following a nationwide plea for noses, Marlon Schneider, a Twin Peaks gambler, was the recipient of 65 offers of donor noses. The tragic Marlon blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled completely and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Perry has built orbital power. Paris Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Perry nervously denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Habid Haslam is at the center of a growing political crisis. Brazil claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Nigeria has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Brazil and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Anwar Karnes, "I think we ought to actively pursue this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Sam Verner replied "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals." He later added, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Hollywood starlet Michele Schneider, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Dog," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 27 days. "It's the only place I can get carbuncle removers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Schneider.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Turkestan for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Joe Marini offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my carbuncle removers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Marini. "I'm hoping cyclists will hear about this and start ordering."

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Jenkins credited business mogul Floyd with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, quickly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly parched grandfather, overcome with spite exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Floyd, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Saturday at 9:45 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Denizens of Jasonia think the town is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a town cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the tenth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed inhabitants beyond their breaking point. One avid vagabond murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandmother clobbers his jaw and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Paris and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal census by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.