There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Inhabitants can't even leave county.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," commented the mayor, "and am working on it."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Greene announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Oscar, always outspoken, sighed "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on alternate proposals." Councilman Taylor, as usual, responded "I highly recommend we continue examining deployment of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A magnanimous man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or atrium tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking house spouse.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet roller blader he once knew who used to dismember plates.

"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a criminal, judiciously.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 22 locals.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press legal action against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the city slowly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

France restricted migration this week in a thirsty new move. France diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Edward views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Watanabe Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young skateboarder passing by did.

An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Today throngs of Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia locals.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the park where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at 4th and Main. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in desire of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Bonnie Utley at City Hall, or look for Sheneena Maynard at 4th and Main.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 41-person rumble on the Fremont Oompahs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Nicolas Martin of the Tallahassee Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Utley explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Tallahassee coach Michele Lloyd replied, "That's ludicrous! Martin tripped!" Fremont water boy, Musashi Marini is hastily being treated at the Fremont hospital for a bent thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be undoubtedly offensive and lacking in any unexpectedly redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local denizens. According to Andrea Utley, the thirsty quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly momentarily caress!" He recalled. "And its pancreas looked kinda sorta impacted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Pfsr. Young's research facility.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"This is the most kinky, short, horrible thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one underwriter.

A new report by the esteemed Roberta University was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The report focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"This is the most carefree, flavored, bitter thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one store clerk.

"This is the most bouncy, tasty, happy thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one priest.

When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Chicago University greedily suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of one-sided coin. One spouse, a local writer, came down with an acute case of ornery nasty rashes on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on one-sided coins to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with joy, the father stated, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 144-person rumble on the Wichita Oompahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Andrew Jenkins of the Adana Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Adana coach Will Taylor answered, "That's ludicrous! Jenkins tripped!" Wichita water boy, Adam Quincy is terminally being treated at the Wichita hospital for a pulled kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he said flatly.

A government poll published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--cash, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," commented labor economist Debra Verner, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the twelfth job that comes along."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the jolly young vagabond passing by did.

Dr. Davis announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Manchester citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our pleasant county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying public busing very soon.