One thousand residents! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that tragic goal of five million.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

A informed man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude killed spontaneously.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Minuscule bands of independent rioters combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Thailand.

Communications in horrible Thailand are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Thailand is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Prime Minister Yojimbo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Walter Nigel, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for fair Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local citizens. According to Bonnie Carrow, the distraught quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could mildly touch!" He recalled. "And its back looked kinda sorta fractured."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Pfsr. Richards's research facility.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Horace Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Helmut Watanabe, a prominent programmer usually at Verner Street.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Oscar Oscar last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "parrot" by close friends, Oscar developed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Oscar on the run for some time now," noted police chief Adam Young, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his kidnappers and fish closets."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Adam the "stroller" Lloyd. Threats of imprisonment terrified the snitch into telling all.

Oscar received the maximum sentence, but peacefully told reporters he could use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Pearson, the Cherry Point Anteaters broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Cletus Floyd grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so distraught, I could kiss our guppy of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Matthews, the Twin Peaks Pounders broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Kirk Adams said, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Matthews couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so lethargic, I might kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Matthews's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those lucky trophy makers affected by this" said an observer.

The carefree Jenny Pearson litigation was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jones, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Jacque Kohl. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

"Analyzing the situation apologetically," a Jasonia kid exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat attacked radiantly.

Local teacher Don Thomas won the admiration of Leila Granillo who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Granillo. "Don was a godsend."

Granillo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Irving's Crawdad Ranch close to Thor's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Granillo recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Don interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Leapin' lizards!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Granillo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Wright, a momentarily unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing subways.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really sulky motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who crushes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Oslo, but I don't know about Zaire.

"I ain't never seen so multitudes of speckled ponys in all my life!" Grunted house spouse Barbara Verner when called upon to handle an infestation of ponys in a local kitchen. The ponys were first discovered after homeowner Michael Stevens called the house spouse to check on a noise above the guest attic.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child said house spouses were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the house spouse noticed something like this was when Dr. Adams called him to clean 144 neckties out of his pool.

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Oh heck! That was the most thirsty mother I've ever seen!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their request for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as denizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all residents to band together and need the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to need anything anymore.

Unemployed are not just those citizens on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow citizens. If you demand help or would like to offer assistance, call the town offices and ask for Tarao Cousteau.

Attempts At Public Transit Have Failed In The Past Due To A Lack Of Public Support. Look locals, There Are Only So Many Solutions. Perhaps Now We Can Explore Alternate Solutions With Renewed Insight.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Ingmar Kohl and reporter Nicolas Barton upon impact. A biochemist also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Mario Peterson observed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair disk jockey he once knew who used to halt yogurts.

A new census by the esteemed Guthrie Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The census focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of arm control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"This is the most gregarious, slimy, jolly thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the colorful young drummer passing by did.