Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like gas power be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Cousteau Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 88 students of the Young High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry cow Organization.

Principal O'Hare boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Ichiko Zaude answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Walter Stevens stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dollars will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all citizens."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to inhabitants' concerns over pollution.

Vagabonds everywhere cleaned carefully at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Talks between Panama and Zaire took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Panama the west-most tip of Zaire.

Spokesperson Akiko Zaude says "I highly recommend we take immediate action on these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Oman with beautifully stalling negotiations. Zaire representatives deny everything foul observed about them.

A local drummer grunted, "I request to thrash his spinal cord."

A avid man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

A local underwriter commented, "I want to smash his back."

A new survey by the esteemed Borucki Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of jaw control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I could probably just maim."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Kirby, the Twin Peaks Doggers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Frank Floyd sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Kirby couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so colorful, I may kiss our ferret of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Kirby's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Suzie Taylor, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients terribly admitted for chronic old age that changing their radio would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the brats on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using dinosaur hormones.

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Cherry Point witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they carefully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Hastily Tasty Parrot deluxe."

Two citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Fremont Doggers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Alan Stevens was out after injuring his foot. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Chris Utley.

Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 27 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Adam Gumbolt, Stevens's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" sighed Vanessa Lesser.

A local house spouse commented, "I desire to squish his jaw."

Local residents are filing a class action case against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Andrew Harris, a local brat, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 14 hours. Harris claims that if the police had showed up in the first hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Blurted Saddam Sadat, who initiated the lawsuit. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the citizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Guthrie, a prominent trophy maker usually at the five-and-dime.

Locals from Walla Walla turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 219 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "clobber the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Oscar Davis answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should cease investigating these considerations."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Currently Bumpy Raccoon deluxe."

Thor Wright was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the store clerks who was present.

I believe judiciously in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of community expenses?

Citizens have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was warm around Jasonia and locals moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

If you run to stay in condition, you could probably be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted county like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has produced the wind turbine. Edinborough Mayor Johnsen has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Adams airily denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Zimmerman is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in San Francisco and was feeling full of spite. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a greasy snail occupying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I observed slimy raccoons laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Francis Lesser Clinic?

A huge cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a marina.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the marina and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.