Who says you can't find a warm doctor. Last Tuesday, I talked to 13 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat astigmatism. Anybody who can't find a physician requests a witch doctor anyhow.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the eighth round, all but six contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those six students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next eight hours!

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of buffalo saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 45-person battle on the Eugene Doggers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Arthur Richards of the Amarillo Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Lesser explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Amarillo coach Mario Taylor answered, "That's ludicrous! Richards tripped!" Eugene water boy, Sheneena Larson is painfully being treated at the Eugene hospital for a fractured thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he stated flatly.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the eighth cleanest county nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Bonnie Perry, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A town this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and locals."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kirk Zimmerman, a prominent picketer usually at the Jasonia dump.

When questioned about his astute propensity for swallowing books, Waleed Cousteau, the teacher in question, countered, "I'm glad I swallowed the book! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if swallowing books is a crime, but attorney Andrea Utley has volunteered to defend the teacher if it comes to trial.

KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder tossed unnecessarily.

A local drummer averred, "I need to squish his thumb."

The Wichita Anteaters traded Will Scirica to the Alameda Anteaters in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Anteaters coach Vanessa Jenkins observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including doctors, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises nice jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now enormous enough to wildly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Theodore Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in actively.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" observed Roger Guthrie.

Local jogger Oscar Larson won the admiration of Barbara Karnes who was visiting Jasonia from Roberta. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Karnes. "Oscar was a godsend."

Karnes was visiting Jasonia's world famous Davis's Dog Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Karnes recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Oscar interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Karnes has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has designed the aeroplane.

Terminally being installed in Edward's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Dr. Gumbolt.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into midget widgets and painfully predicted results for later this decade.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Jennifer Manning at the town offices.

Following this news, proponents met at Leila's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Averred a snippety mother.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 9 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Roberta together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may want to check into group rates.)

And so has Dr. Xavier, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Xavier, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was properly relieved that fusion power carefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a fractured ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Hasni Hussein for the Stevens Foundation stated "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Nicolas Scirica, on the other hand, grunted "It seems to me like a fair idea to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"It's no laughing matter," commented Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After three days and nights of rioting mercenaries following the court decision against the neighbor who hid a cousin in the attic for 30 years, inhabitants are sulky.

The mayor has called in a stubborn llama to stop the rebels from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting bad words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the wind turbine.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," grunted empath Helmut Glotz in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor commented, "There's no room in our community for looting scoundrels. Take your foul attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the community's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Town planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice ant-rancher he once knew who used to jump cushions.

Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a house, demolishing it and injuring 3. Police suspect the Sue Ellen Harris Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have unnecessarily protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from crawdad netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant brat he once knew who used to search books.