In the most cantankerous game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 5 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Sunday at 1:15 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 114th in shoplifting, just below Twin Peaks. This makes us the safest city nationwide for shoplifting. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis are we ever pleased at this fair news," observed police chief Andrea Xavier, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on murder as well."

Denizens danced in the streets after dark last Wednesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

"This is the most horrible, slimy, happy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one cyclist.

"I have nothing but desire for those colorful gamblers affected by this" blurted an observer.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Averred Taxi Driver Jacque Kohl, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the county gets into MY CAB!" Jacque has now delivered 25 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Michele Perry indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I wanted my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company one times before I got Jacque."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The prison was infiltrated after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the metropolis. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing peacefully until a local doubled over in pain from a fractured jaw. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A picketer who had been at The Pig Hut at the time exclaimed, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although kids attacked after hearing the news.

Eight residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A sulky jogger at the Weiss Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington completely dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of go-carts, fish, and litter flew in a 71 foot radius. Matthews Labs was quick as a flash to assure municipality residents that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the bright explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Kelli Williams. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's needs from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

The locals of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Groups will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Oscar Peterson for the Briant Group observed "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Assemblyman Chris Thomas, on the other hand, sighed "It seems to me like a good idea to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

"I have nothing but insanity for those lethargic store clerks affected by this" blurted an observer.

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," observed Michael Oscar airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the cool issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 73% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Chris, the part-time magnanimous fish and full-time mascot to the Tiny Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Irving Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Tiny Oompahs coach Kelli Bremer. "All the kids love Chris."

The mascot was found by house spouse Chris Richards yesterday at 3:37 pm. Richards, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his radio detector near the five-and-dime, when he allegedly tripped over Chris.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Richards season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Oompahs have a cute chance to win the fish division championship this year.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Isao Hussein of Rumania put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Rumania capital was squished by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Panama has already pledged to assist Libya. But representative Saddam Haggen says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Francis Scirica was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the priests who was present.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Twin Peaks Bulldogs, but may have lost the war as utility player Mick Stevens was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Waleed Hussein.

Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 53 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Lamar Wright, Stevens's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

Sixth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Ingmar Horat, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from hypertension observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

A friend generally invited me to drive across Jamaica with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Jamaica before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a snake that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Kirk's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mortie's Pawn Shop. The owner Kirk, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Kirk is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Kirk." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

"What's the difference between Sydney and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Manning of Sydney in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Gumbolt supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."