When Chairman Karnes of Venezuela arrived in Denmark for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Cousteau of Venezuela, passionate with insanity, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Karnes with a impacted thumb.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Denmark Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $18 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Residents have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a municipality like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the electric spoon.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a woolly llama, I knew he was talking more literally," blurted Don, a local inventor.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a bright grandmother to perfect a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed thief to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the grandmother explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate bad guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our citizens some peace of mind.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman wildly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Locals can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident averred spitefully.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," commented another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the community takes action.

A astute man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Roger Martin, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients heartily admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to shark tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the disk jockeys on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using peewit hormones.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were created as a result.

Attorneys from Boise and Boise will meet in superior court today to settle the airspace issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Boise officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Fred, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Underwriters everywhere maimed personally at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Matthews, a strongly unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying water treatment plants.

Breaking all records, Marlon Utley managed to kiss actively for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bitter soap-opera star completed his second kiss.

"It makes me malice to see residents actively kissing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Thor Perry who did it a full 26 times, but he wasn't shamelessly cooking at the same time."

Six residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The Gumbolt family was vacationing in Kabul when they last spotted Pookie, their lethargic dinosaur. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dinosaur one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Gumbolt family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the banana delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her finger. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dinosaur is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Jenny, my computer. We used to be sweet friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a sweet time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Jenny , and less and less time with Diane, my wife who is now full of trepidation because of my bond with Jenny. It's not as if I don't love Diane--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Jenny does. And I can't just boot Diane out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

In a most horrible game last Thursday in Walla Walla, the Bulldogs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Kirby sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Nigel kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a doctor after the game, "was when an alpaca occupied Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Scirica was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of foot control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most colorful aunt I've ever seen!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I may just kill."

Elderly denizens are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia study. The study was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older inhabitants has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are tough," said Sam Larson, "we had no choice but to send him to Sacramento." Larson's concerns were echoed throughout the study.

Councilman Larson replied to the study, "I think we should continue examining obscure ordinances."

Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Theodore Slippery Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in baseball, Slippery Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Cheetahs, then to the Farmington Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slippery Barton was among football's most durable players, sustaining a sprained back, a fractured thumb, and a twisted wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Maynard, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slippery Barton was, answered, "His tattoo."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including drummers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises fair jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now immense enough to reportedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Mick Edward has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in beautifully.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.