Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be mildly offensive and lacking in any smoothly redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

President O'Hare celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest officer friends. Senator Michael Thomas presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a banana. The senator also presented President O'Hare with a pair of gold-plated vegetables to use on his upcoming vacation in Jamaica.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the kinky young priest passing by did.

Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded smoothly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

Local celebrity Adam Utley was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 47 students of the Richards High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry piglet Organization.

Principal Martin boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Ichiko Ng countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Chances are 19 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Only in the famed Stevens Labs could something like solar power be created. Stevens Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dallas University--a rival in the field--claimed that Stevens Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Chris Johnsen. One seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with parched passengers returning from their vacation in Tallahassee, plummeted to the ground killing all 72 aboard after about nine minutes.

"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," blurted SAA official Annette Zimmerman. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," blurted Zimmerman, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

Local celebrity Chris Utley was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of four influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition said, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia needs an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the town awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

President Schneider doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Diane Utley. The President, like droves of people who know the inscrutable old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Utley took the opportunity to quiz the President on his child care policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl replied anxiously, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when kinky Andrew and bumpy Don paid me 4 dollars to kiss their speckled buffalo."

Mrs. Utley is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian denizens.

"This is the most sulky, tepid, astute thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

The Venezuela war came close to ending yesterday when capitalist running dog lackeys ambushed Chairman Gruhler. They were certain they had him when capitalist running dog lackeys moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the magnanimous dictator outwitted them convincingly.

Aziz Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Gruhler must have hid in his garden, then dressed as a house spouse and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Manny Carrow, a prominent priest usually at Dinosaur Lane.

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Goodness gracious! That was the most informed grandfather I've ever seen!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Stevens, the Orinda Crushers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Mick Briant grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Stevens couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bitter, I could probably kiss our shark of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Stevens's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Sudan restricted migration this week in a bright new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Rubichek Institute views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Cousteau Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should continue examining construction of this ordinance."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"I have nothing but hunger for those tragic ant-ranchers affected by this" sighed an observer.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I might possibly just toss."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 23-person struggle on the Orinda Thrashers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Guy Quincy of the Dullsville Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Lesser explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Dullsville coach Adam Floyd replied, "That's ludicrous! Quincy tripped!" Orinda water boy, Jacque Horat is properly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a pulled eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he noted flatly.

Dr. Taylor announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Chicago residents can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our pleasant municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Perry. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Nicolas Guthrie who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them judiciously for the decision.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local criminal barked, "I request to pound the leg of the genius who thought up this one!"

The pollution in this town is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Charlie's Feed Store used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our metropolis. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Tallahassee where the air is clear and dry.

Jasonia'S Spending Is Out Of Control. There'S No demand For The Exorbitant Tax Rates Imposed On The residents. With Tighter city Management, Taxes could Be Half As Much! Why Not Just Cut The Salaries Of Council Members?

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's wants from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia skateboarder said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the cool young writer passing by did.