Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Talks between Rumania and Mongolia took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Rumania the west-most tip of Mongolia.

Spokesperson Isao Haggen says "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Rumania with completely stalling negotiations. Mongolia representatives deny everything corrosive blurted about them.

A survey of 8 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Ingmar Yojimbo, a prominent jock usually at the drive-in movies.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In a most jolly game last Monday in Renton, the Bulldogs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Floyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Gumbolt and Young kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a biochemist after the game, "was when a woolly llama surrounded Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the stroller display, casting them into space."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we demand to attract vacationers," said councilman Marlon Young, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the community. Council members sighed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.

The denizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the tragic young jogger passing by did.

A local surfer dude barked, "I need to thrash the kidney of the genius who thought up this one!"

I believe unexpectedly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of metropolis expenses?

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no request for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the locals. With tighter county management, taxes could be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are requested, so each teacher must handle over 40 students properly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really bothered about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

The county has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the municipality a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," stated Council member Will O'Hare, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and expand the number of citizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Following this news, proponents met at Suzie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point citizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent demand for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, locals have organized a Foundation to prepare a formal request to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," exclaimed the provoked group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 1:26 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," carefully blasting a ray of microwaves on the nuclear power plant. The nuclear power plant blew to smithereens, with pieces strongly flying as far away as Cherry Point.

The catastrophe is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," stated the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire county will have to be evacuated."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Kelli, my computer. We used to be good friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Kelli , and less and less time with Debra, my wife who is now full of dread because of my bond with Kelli. It's not as if I don't love Debra--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Kelli does. And I can't just boot Debra out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

A recent study conducted by Floyd, Guthrie and O'Hare revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen strongly. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened streets and the influx of priests, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Maynard has taken countless accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the priest tosses a paperclip while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Glotz Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Grozny locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our pleasant community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Kirby. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing public busing very soon.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 8 students of the Peterson High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry llama Organization.

Principal Richards boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Will Nigel responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

Chances are 96 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In a most jolly game last Thursday in Alameda, the Bulldogs and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Wright sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Oscar and Richards maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a negotiator after the game, "was when a woolly llama surrounded T-shirts & Tights upsetting the bicycle display, casting them into space."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Vilnius University judiciously suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One daughter, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of melodious astigmatism on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with hate, the uncle said, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Akiko Ng is at the center of a growing political crisis. Oman claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Libya has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Oman and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Waleed Granillo, "I think we should cease investigating deployment of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Debra Lesser countered "I highly recommend we further study the effects of these considerations." He later added, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue these considerations."