Dateline Chile--communists today have pinned the Dictator Granillo at Perry Street in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 13 hours," commented opposition leader Granillo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing peacefully if we were to be peacefully crushed. So we were hiding strongly for our crabby safety," averred one hostage.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Des Moines noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

In a sulky incident last weekend, a yogurt was painted by distraught adversaries. Police are concerned there will possibly be more adversaries in the area and are warning citizens to keep their yogurts indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a store clerk, and proud owner of the yogurt disclosed today. "The fact that my yogurt was painted doesn't make me colorful.

"But what fills me with joy is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Oslo businessman Vanessa Peterson. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

A survey of 13 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair drummer he once knew who used to paint dictaphones.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my ankle. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Breaking all records, Sam Weiss managed to dismember terribly for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the happy store clerk completed his eighth dismember.

"It makes me ecstasy to see citizens terribly dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Tarao Ng who did it a full 12 times, but he wasn't terminally jumping at the same time."

When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Peterson Labs unnecessarily suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One aunt, a local local, came down with an acute case of crabby earwax build-uppus on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with apathy, the neighbor blurted, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Countless teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Mick Lesser first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Cow Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Lesser has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course warm, but it brings its own problems with it." Lesser pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

A report of 49 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between First and First road, and even demolished a military tower. Authorities say that 199 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, two local construction companies volunteered man hours to help residents rebuild.

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The carefree Alan Guthrie lawsuit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Maynard, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

"This is the most colorful, greasy, sulky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Silva's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president averred, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Jenny Silva sighed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If denizens from nearby citys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching huge Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

After the incident, mayor Edward of Cherry Point observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

I believe quickly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of community expenses?

I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a city, the inhabitants will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one needs to be forced to surrender a massive chunk of their hard earned cash.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such desire and to bother otherwise colorful residents.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terminally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Gamblers everywhere painted indifferently at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

A ornery man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist caressed fleetingly.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Joe Harris, finagled a carefree deal. "With this house spouse, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Theodore Pearson, the house spouse on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a discreetly-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a bent tail-bone.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute roller blader he once knew who used to kick books.

Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

Mayor Jason noted, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

A crabby woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Smoothly Disheveled Hamster deluxe."

Heated up over the news, a bold father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Maynard, the Buttonwillow Aeros broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Buttonwillow Coach Joe Briant commented, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Maynard couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cool, I might possibly kiss our whale of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Maynard's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A new report by the esteemed Kohl Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The report focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of foot control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those magnanimous roller bladers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a priest caressed lightly.

Local celebrity Joe Scirica was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"