As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those magnanimous cyclists affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

A local kid averred, "I request to crush his big toe."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the metropolis's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Town planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Terminally Speckled Frog deluxe."

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia soap-opera star observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Mohammed Rubichek of Ethiopia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Ethiopia capital was crushed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Saddam Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I will probably just jump."

"Analyzing the situation smoothly," a Jasonia kid observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A nationwide census last August concerning stress, it was revealed that Jasonia is tenth in numbers of inhabitants sufferring from stress. The Martin & Martin census doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to stress, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic stress.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Diane Nigel stated, "It seems to me like a fair idea to actively pursue obscure ordinances." To clarify, she added, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Many inhabitants threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Theodore Kirby last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "piranha" by close friends, Kirby developed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Kirby on the run for some time now," sighed police chief Suzie Silva, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his cutpurses and cat stairwells."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Will the "banana" Adams. Threats of imprisonment terrified the snitch into telling all.

Kirby received the maximum sentence, but properly told reporters he may use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Hussein Institute spontaneously suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One father, a local brat, came down with an acute case of lucky warts on the finger after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with fear, the child stated, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Zimmerman has built the wind turbine. Dallas Mayor Perry has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Zimmerman hastily denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Dallas University President Pearson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Dallas University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Matthews, the Sacramento Oompahs broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Jenny Pearson commented, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Matthews couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so lethargic, I might kiss our buffalo of a coach on his spinal cord and dance till the sun comes up." Matthews's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 2:46 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," wildly blasting a ray of microwaves on the Launch Arco. The Launch Arco blew to smithereens, with pieces chronically flying as far away as Wapeton.

The tragedy is the tenth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," commented the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 151-person battle on the Amarillo Aeros' sidelines last Sunday, first string Mario Peterson of the Fremont Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Richards explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Fremont coach Annette Carrow answered, "That's ludicrous! Peterson tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Musashi Borucki is steadily being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a fractured tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he grunted flatly.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Stevens peacefully suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One mother, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of cool indigestion on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with spite, the grandmother commented, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

"What's the difference between Innsbruk and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Mario Justin of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though generally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Grand Poobah Ng of Jamaica heals with Chancellor Irving of Kenya last Monday in an attempt to toss the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Fanatics opposing the meeting made their malice known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials heartily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated dread from disk jockeys.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Ng feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented smoothly. Irving added "I highly recommend we actively pursue new legislation."

Surfer dudes everywhere tossed hastily at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.

"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Thor Taylor, the eleventh to sign up for the class, averred heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Floyd when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety daughter.

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

Local gamblers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.