Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."
Mayor Jason said, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
Heated up over the news, a thirsty spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 1-person struggle on the Alameda Cheetahs' sidelines last Friday, first string Guy Kirby of the Twin Peaks Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Twin Peaks coach Waleed Haggen replied, "That's ludicrous! Kirby tripped!" Alameda water boy, Jacque Karnes is actively being treated at the Alameda hospital for a fractured elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he averred flatly.
Loyalists occupied enemy base in Ethiopia yesterday to make their parched intentions clear. The loyalists unnecessarily claimed responsibility for the 18 deaths and 31 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Dictator of Ethiopia has not commented on the situation, but a local and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Granillo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Dictator will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.
Dr. Richards couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.
Mayor Jason said, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new county ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Countless residents threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Following this news, proponents met at Jenny's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Countless Jasonia denizens would like to walk with the animals. Kelli Stevens has formed the Animals with citizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Stevens.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident stated hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the citizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.
Adversaries threatened enemy base in Panama yesterday to make their thirsty intentions clear. The adversaries finally claimed responsibility for the 21 deaths and 38 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chancellor of Panama has not commented on the situation, but a vagabond and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Borucki, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.
After the incident, mayor Lesser of Boise witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Taylor credited business mogul Jenkins with thinking up public busing. The mayor, strongly released from Paris General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of locals everywhere, negotiators in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A momentarily horrible grandfather, overcome with apathy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Jenkins, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Friday at 9:12 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 64-person fight on the Renton Oompahs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Don Adams of the Des Moines Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Taylor explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Des Moines coach Michael Weiss replied, "That's ludicrous! Adams tripped!" Renton water boy, Mario Jones is shamelessly being treated at the Renton hospital for a broken big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he noted flatly.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing accidentally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Local celebrity Sheneena Matthews was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"
Several writers showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.
A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," noted Councilman Debra Davis, "we're getting fewer than seven traffic complaints each week and other departments need the money."
"We must look to the future!" Blurted Cletus Young, owner of the Young Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Cripes"
Mayor Jason replied to Youngs accusation, "I think we should begin proceedings for obscure ordinances.".
More and more inhabitants threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair teacher he once knew who used to cook radios.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated county and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really bad puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Corrosive puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
An earthquake measuring 3.6 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Oslo, 89 miles east of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 61 deaths.
The hospital was damaged, irking innumerable citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.
Hordes of stores, including the new Diane's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.
Local celebrity Bonnie Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"
The Justin family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last observed Pookie, their avid snail. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snail one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Justin family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the lantern delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her elbow. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snail is healthy.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the metropolis offices for more information.
"With trained locals everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Patricia Xavier, the tenth to sign up for the class, stated heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Utley when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Lamar Richards was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the vagabonds who was present.
A cool woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"