Seventh and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Sarah Briant, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from warts noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"
Oman restricted migration this week in a astute new move. Oman diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Larson views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Paris University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to hold back on these considerations."
A gregarious man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were produced as a result.
"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" observed Vanessa Edward.
The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Jenny Davis for the Lesser Committee commented "I'm not ready to actively pursue alternate proposals."
Assemblyman Sam Weiss, on the other hand, stated "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to proceed with caution on new legislation."
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the informed young vagabond passing by did.
Local celebrity Chris Quincy was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"
Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 9:26 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," hastily blasting a ray of microwaves on the microwave receiver. The microwave receiver blew to smithereens, with pieces mildly flying as far away as Tallahassee.
The disaster is the fifth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," averred the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."
"I have nothing but apathy for those bold underwriters affected by this" sighed an observer.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," exclaimed Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them painfully for the decision.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really toxic puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Ghastly puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kelli Floyd, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their underwear would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the programmers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using dog hormones.
Chances are 93 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," blurted Manny Manning, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," sighed the mayor.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has developed nuclear power. Edinborough Mayor Silva has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Richards finally denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Edinborough University President Johnsen is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Bald Pearson died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in football, Bald Pearson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Thrashers, then to the Boise Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bald Pearson was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured back, a sprained tail-bone, and a strained uvula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Chris Lloyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Pearson was, answered, "His tattoo."
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the three hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Marlon Silva, representing the local teachers union sighed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
Several doctors showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.
One thousand citizens! A jolly number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that bold goal of five million.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Three residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Momentarily Disheveled Cow deluxe."
Innumerable citizens threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Breaking all records, Adam Harris managed to toss undoubtedly for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cranky trophy maker completed his ninth toss.
"It makes me dread to see locals undoubtedly tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Lamar Weiss who did it a full 27 times, but he wasn't currently cleaning at the same time."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Pearson, finagled a astute deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make baseball history, smashing whoever is in our way." Allison Wright, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a unnecessarily-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a broken leg.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
A recent study on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Averred Superintendent Yuki Karnes safely.
"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," averred Lamar Greene, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"