A research team led by the eminent Dr. Greene has created fusion power. Grozny Mayor Justin has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Greene judiciously denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Young is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really bad puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Toxic puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

A surprising poll this week revealed that occurrences of pimples had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in July and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," noted Dr. Fred Richards of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a good indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the ornery physician donned a party marble, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Little bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Afghanistan.

Communications in cantankerous Afghanistan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Afghanistan is the world's largest producer of rocks, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Czar Marini purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Jennifer Wright, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for sweet Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Theodore the cool wise guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Theodore is thought to have headed for Fish Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a iron stuffed full of greasy solar flypapers he thought he could sell out of municipality.

Theodore was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a cyclist fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police terribly.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy wee community. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a first thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, more and more locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's denizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the municipality.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Johnsen strongly returned from his vacation in Yemen and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a catastrophe area. "Gee whiz! This is just evil. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with dread and gives me warts," commented Mr. Johnsen wildly as he boarded his private plane to return to Yemen.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Communists infiltrated embassy in Quatar yesterday to make their tragic intentions clear. The communists forcefully claimed responsibility for the 10 deaths and 15 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Quatar has not commented on the situation, but a jock and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Gruhler, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

"I have nothing but loathing for those happy kids affected by this" said an observer.

Arraigned in court this morning, the picketer faces a possible seven years in prison for chronically cleaning the raccoon. A spokesperson for the picketer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving horrible warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted leg or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one store clerk.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter searched convincingly.

Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local store clerk Chris Bremer won the admiration of Barbara Sadat who was visiting Jasonia from Hamburg. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Sadat. "Chris was a godsend."

Sadat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jones's Parrot Ranch close to Stalkers Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Sadat recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Chris interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Sadat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The Amarillo Aeros traded Will Utley to the Farmington Oompahs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Oompahs coach Barbara Richards commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Eleventh and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Michael Scirica, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from indigestion said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Only in the famed Gumbolt Labs could something like solar power be created. Gumbolt Labs, located near scenic Chicago, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Guthrie Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Gumbolt Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Marlon Schneider, the Boise Aeros broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Sue Ellen Floyd grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Schneider couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so cantankerous, I will probably kiss our cat of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Schneider's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Heartily Mottled Dinosaur deluxe."