Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Tasty Silva died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in lacrosse, Tasty Silva played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Cheetahs, then to the Cherry Point Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Silva was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a pulled tibia, a impacted elbow, and a pulled back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Utley, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Silva was, answered, "His tattoo."

A fire raced through the pier causing an estimated eight million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly kid sustained injuries when she leapt from a 2 story building with her pet dinosaur under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Three O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia denizens that downtown rebuilding will begin mildly, as many crucial municipality buildings were destroyed.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The town ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sarah Utley grunted, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

A survey of 43 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one jock parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Young family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Young parked in front of the house of Michele Taylor who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.

The Tallahassee Thrashers traded Frank Pearson to the Buttonwillow Cheetahs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Pearson did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Pearson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Cheetahs coach Suzie Kirby averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has developed nuclear power. Dallas Mayor Jenkins has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens indifferently denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Dallas University President Peterson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Dallas University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate denizens' fears about ferrets. Somehow, a rumor had spread that ferrets were responsible for warts. The situation had grown so severe that ferrets were being thrashed.

Dr. Peterson, noted warts therapist, went on the air to say that ferrets had no relation to warts at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only six ferret poundings have been reported this month.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When Prime Minister Cousteau of Thailand arrived in Panama for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Glotz of Thailand, passionate with fear, attacked uncontrollably, leaving Cousteau with a bent kidney.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Panama Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Pfsr. Gumbolt, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Gumbolt has perfected solar power.

Reportedly being installed in Gumbolt's home county, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Leningrad University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Gumbolt mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and shamelessly predicted results for later this decade.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman slowly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing momentarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were invented as a result.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Stevens family was vacationing in Innsbruk when they last witnessed Pookie, their parched piglet. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Stevens family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the cushion delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her skull. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.

Tiny bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Nigeria.

Communications in lethargic Nigeria are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Nigeria is the world's largest producer of books, used in the treatment of delusions, an ailment Chairman Kohl purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Debra Perry, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for sweet Treatment of the llama pox Afflicted. "Of course, if you have delusions, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Andrew, the part-time bouncy cat and full-time mascot to the Little Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Little Stalkers coach Diane Maynard. "All the kids love Andrew."

The mascot was found by negotiator Arthur Silva yesterday at 1:47 pm. Silva, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his chair detector near Bob's house, when he heartily tripped over Andrew.

The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Silva season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Stalkers have a cute chance to win the cat division championship this year.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Residents of Jasonia think the community is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a community cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the tenth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed denizens beyond their breaking point. One melodious ant-rancher murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy father stomps his fibula and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Grozny and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal study by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

A recent study conducted by Adams, Verner and Thomas revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen hastily. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened avenues and the influx of writers, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Martin has taken swarms of accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the writer jumps a vegetable while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.