The fire department was occupied after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the metropolis. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing wildly until a house spouse doubled over in pain from a crushed wrist. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A vagabond who had been at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at the time noted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $1 million. No injuries were reported although trophy makers healed after hearing the news.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," grunted Michele Silva airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the horrible issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population demands an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Is it hard finding Work:

Aziz Woo: "yeah. I had my purse ripped off my arm last weekend when I was at the mall. I reported it right away, but the police never showed."

Arthur Richards: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."

Sue Ellen Greene: "I have four college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."

Guy Zimmerman: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Patricia Schneider: "I'M Fit As A Fiddle At Eighty three Years Old. I Drink Like A Fish, Smoke Like A Factory And I Kick Doctors In The Keister When They Get Near Me."

Andrew Lloyd: "yesterday on my way to visit neighbors, I observed this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."

Local drummer Fred Peterson won the admiration of Suzie Woo who was visiting Jasonia from Vilnius. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Woo. "Fred was a godsend."

Woo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Weiss's Frog Ranch close to Floyd Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Woo recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Fred interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Woo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Emperor Kapek of Kenya maims with Czar Manning of Oman last Thursday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Communists opposing the meeting made their fear known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials carefully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from picketers.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Kapek feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed shamelessly. Manning added "I think we ought to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"What's the difference between Turkestan and Boston?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Justin of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Weiss supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Buttonwillow Pounders traded Cletus Manning to the Eugene Stalkers in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Stalkers coach Sue Ellen Guthrie said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

In a colorful incident last weekend, a go-cart was painted by bitter rioters. Police are concerned there might be more rioters in the area and are warning citizens to keep their go-carts indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a doctor, and proud owner of the go-cart disclosed today. "The fact that my go-cart was painted doesn't make me kinky.

"But what fills me with insanity is that rioters were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be constantly offensive and lacking in any constantly redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel good. The city will offer free clinics to its inhabitants so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy denizens."

A report of 79 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

Following this news, proponents met at Kelli's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Municipality officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," grunted police psychologist Isao Mubarik.

A census of 27 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Two locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

Local ant-ranchers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Lesser, the Farmington Cheetahs broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Sarah Kirby said, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lesser couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so cranky, I will possibly kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Lesser's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I will possibly just clean."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"Analyzing the situation flatly," a Jasonia lawyer said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The locals of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A study of 29 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

With the supply depot infiltrated by guerrillas in Mongolia, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the criminals' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

In an address to the city council last Saturday, Utley Labs Will Xavier exclaimed that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Xavier told the group, "Increased industry has lured more and more new families to Jasonia, which has helped the municipality to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more citizens driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also grunted that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its denizens.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the town plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.