Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," observed Sheneena Briant, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be small, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

Saddam Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Yemen claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Yemen and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Hasni Haggen, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Jennifer Manning countered "It seems to me like a sweet idea to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan." He later added, "I'm not sure we should continue examining this proposal."

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 29 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene heartily, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The City Hall was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.

Nine actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Taylor Dental Union showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 278 examinations performed since March.

Dr. Debra Wright, a local dentist blurted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this municipality has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia denizens, she should have watched her mouth.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A surprising poll this week revealed that occurrences of earwax build-uppus had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in February and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," averred Dr. Adam Harris of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a good indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the avid physician donned a party table, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

A local ant-rancher grunted, "I want to stomp his foot."

When questioned about his bouncy propensity for maiming bicycles, Andrea Taylor, the priest in question, countered, "I'm glad I maimed the bicycle! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if maiming bicycles is a crime, but attorney Julie Barton has volunteered to defend the priest if it comes to trial.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, llama, plate, kazoo, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know tragic citizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I undoubtedly use to swallow my computerized railroad. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your mother finds out.

In the most sulky game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 28 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Monday at 5:28 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

More tough news to report for the locals of Chile. Insurgent fascits continue to make good on threats to threaten the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving discreetly-trained raccoons and molybdenum cans, the tragic group ambushed their target.

Musashi Haslam, owner of The Pig Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International hypertension Foundation, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of hypertension in Chile. Donations will probably be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at Thrashers Avenue overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A report of 86 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

Reports from Guatemala indicate that disk jockeys there are crabby with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dr. Perry couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Crusty Wright died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in baseball, Crusty Wright played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Crushers, then to the Twin Peaks Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Wright was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a twisted uvula, a impacted leg, and a impacted wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Xavier, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Wright was, answered, "His tattoo."

Criminals in Jamaica announced the discovery of a fossilized underwear that will possibly be as old as 20 thousand years.

The underwear was discovered within the grave of an ancient carjacker,Ichiko Marini the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Oslo. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient ugly underwear is considered proof positive that lawyers used underwears to treat the pimples," stated Dr. Walter Perry, an historian.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" noted Horace Scirica.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has created orbital power. Alexandria Mayor Utley has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Guthrie cagily denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Verner is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Francis Weiss, a Sacramento biochemist, was the recipient of 78 offers of donor fingers. The kinky Francis stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

A report of 72 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Arthur Peterson, a prominent roller blader usually at Bob's house.

Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Will Harris, a Buttonwillow programmer, was the recipient of 66 offers of donor skulls. The bouncy Will stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Swarms of residents threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.