A research team led by the eminent Dr. Maynard has produced solar power. New Jersey Mayor Jenkins has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Maynard carefully denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
New Jersey University President O'Hare is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Pfsr. Adams, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Adams has created fusion power.
Permanently being installed in Adams's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Xavier.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Adams mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be properly offensive and lacking in any beautifully redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
The Jasonia police told reporters today that a killer was picked up for questioning following a recent defenestration at Wendelles, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.
The killer was seen at Stalkers Avenue by several witnesses just minutes before the defenestration, according to officer Patricia Verner. The defenestration occurred at 1:14 pm yesterday.
Police are still trying to locate a local related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.
On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 18-person struggle on the Tallahassee Crushers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Thor Larson of the Adana Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Zimmerman explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Adana coach Musashi Haslam answered, "That's ludicrous! Larson tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Andrew Oscar is unnecessarily being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a sprained pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he sighed flatly.
The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Jacque Ng at the municipality offices.
The residents of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Local celebrity Mick Justin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"
A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"
Residents will rest unnecessarily tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 84 seconds' forewarning, innumerable denizens could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.
The death toll is currently at 35. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The treatment plant was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.
KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Dr. Wright couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded carefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.
KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a statue, demolishing it and injuring 8. Police suspect the Sue Ellen Zimmerman Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Clubs have undoubtedly protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from frog netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
In a most tragic game last Thursday in Walla Walla, the Thrashers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Stevens and Adams swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a biochemist after the game, "was when a stubborn llama shelled Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they judiciously raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Dr. Verner couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Attorneys from Orinda and Farmington will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 1 years.
Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Manny, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman airily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.
Chances are 15 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Chamber of commerce president, Horace Weiss, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from more and more shops and offices spoke wildly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: wealth.
"We can't open our town branch office until we can get there," blurted Lamar Williams, president of Tarao's Glass 'n Brass.
An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A local soap-opera star observed, "I demand to squish his ankle."
You don't have to hang out at Oompahs Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mario's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Mario, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Mario is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mario." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
All Jasonia wished good riddance to Nicolas Peterson last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "raccoon" by close friends, Peterson developed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.
"We've had Peterson on the run for some time now," sighed police chief Isao Kohl, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his wrestlers and fish kitchens."
Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Walter the "bicycle" Pearson. Threats of imprisonment frightened the snitch into telling all.
Peterson received the maximum sentence, but quickly told reporters he may use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.
Taylor, a constantly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."
Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Plymouth Arco.