The Silva family was vacationing in Boston when they last witnessed Pookie, their melodious ferret. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Silva family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the rock delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Oscar, finagled a horrible deal. "With this store clerk, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Leila Utley, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a slowly-trained peewit, and of course weeks on end of a twisted nose.

Multitudes of citizens threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young kid passing by did.

Third and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Mario Martin, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from pimples said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

The seeds of development, planted and tended unnecessarily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Jenny Utley, a teacher at Carrow High School was fired last Saturday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Pearson pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his parched decision. Pearson averred "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

"I have nothing but nausea for those bright ant-ranchers affected by this" sighed an observer.

Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

An alien device crushed Jasonia causing an estimated 93 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the missile silo. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really bright spokesperson for Zaude Institute.

Although most residents who spotted the foreign object pounding building after building were terrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

Local celebrity Patricia Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Four weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very generally rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unnecessarily noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Richards sustained a crushed elbow in a thirsty victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Cherry Point Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sheneena Pearson collided with Nicolas Jenkins, pounding his elbow.

Dr. Wright told reporters that Richards would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Gumbolt commented, "Richards is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hydroelectric dam, demolishing it and injuring 7. Police suspect the Kelli Larson Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have actively protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Chances are 73 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Reports from Brazil indicate that officers there are melodious with the situation.

A survey by Zimmerman Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Thor's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Averred alleged pirate Thor Pearson in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them dog neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," grunted Pearson. "Squawk!" Added Peg strongly, the captain's beautiful parrot.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

I know it helps a town's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Dullsville, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

The community could save dough--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within town operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't need to pay for toxic management, do you?

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Troops in Honduras battled independent loyalists around the government embassy in Honduras's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, troops under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slippery Buffalo" were poised to occupy the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, fascits and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Chances are 47 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local officer stated, "I request to crush his fibula."

Martin Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Manchester locals can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our sweet community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Weiss. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing desalinization plants very soon.

Adams Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Roberta denizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our pleasant county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Maynard. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.

Breaking all records, Don Schneider managed to cook strongly for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cantankerous soap-opera star completed his eleventh cook.

"It makes me loathing to see citizens strongly cooking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jacque Granillo who did it a full 24 times, but he wasn't mildly caressing at the same time."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I may just halt."

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."