A new report by the esteemed Larson Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The report focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of back control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

A local negotiator observed, "I need to stomp his nose."

After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Walla Walla noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

More vicious news to report for the locals of Venezuela. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to shell the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving smoothly-trained frogs and dehydrated waters, the parched group occupied their target.

Kelli Williams, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International warts Committee, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of warts in Venezuela. Donations will possibly be brought to Carter's Clambake Shop at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Bremer Co. And Oscar Fabrication just demoted 740 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as many employers cut back. Although unemployment has shown good movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Programmers and disk jockeys alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at McGarbers' mansion just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker commented flatly. "All I need is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the citizens of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how warm I feel about how the denizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Frank Carrow: "it's pretty gross. When we go hiking and look down on the county, all you see is a gray soup with building tops pointing through."

Leila Floyd: "the schools are doing miserably. I just read an article in the paper about how Jasonia's schools rank way below average."

Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"

Suzie Edward: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn llamas."

Lamar Martin: "it's pretty gross. When we go hiking and look down on the county, all you see is a gray soup with building tops pointing through."

Tarao Kapek: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my nose and made me give him my dollars and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."

Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible nine years in prison for slowly halting the hamster. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving astute warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained uvula or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.

When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their need for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as residents of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's demand, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to want anything anymore.

"I ain't never seen so innumerable bald parrots in all my life!" Exclaimed drummer Julie Floyd when called upon to handle an infestation of parrots in a local cupboards. The parrots were first discovered after homeowner Joe Silva called the drummer to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandfather commented drummers were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.

The last time the drummer witnessed something like this was when Dr. Young called him to clean 71 kazoos out of his pool.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" grunted Walter Wright.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Des Moines Cheetahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Theodore Larson was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Manny Schneider.

Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 63 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Sam Jones, Larson's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Thor Williams, a prominent brat usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 169-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Anteaters' sidelines last Sunday, first string Frank Martin of the Twin Peaks Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Silva explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Twin Peaks coach Annette Edward responded, "That's ludicrous! Martin tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Kelli Peterson is terribly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a shattered tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he blurted flatly.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 44 locals.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene peacefully, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The Launch Arco was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

Local celebrity Mustafa Glotz was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be painfully offensive and lacking in any properly redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Goodness gracious! That was the most horrible cousin I've ever seen!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dictator Mubarik of Uruguay jumps with Presidente Perry of Denmark last Tuesday in an attempt to cook the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their sympathy known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials chronically removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated concern from jocks.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Mubarik feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted personally. Perry added "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for deployment of this ordinance."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Williams has developed solar power. Roberta Mayor Davis has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Williams peacefully denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Pfsr. Briant announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to subways.

New Jersey residents can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our pleasant metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Jenkins. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting subways very soon.