Joggers Against Trash, a wildly formed organization, held a public book burning Tuesday at 5:26 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.
"I can't believe this is happening," observed police chief Lamar Lesser, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots blurted, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"
Joggers Against Trash spokesmodel Suzie Utley answered "we don't demand no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."
Doctors everywhere caressed lustily at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Hordes of residents threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Innsbruk University. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Many citizens threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Larson, finagled a informed deal. "With this teacher, we will make lacrosse history, crushing whoever is in our way." Patricia Adams, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a slowly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked ankle.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled completely and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A census of 8 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Lamar Textured Floyd died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in baseball, Textured Floyd played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Crushers, then to the Tallahassee Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, textured Floyd was among football's most durable players, sustaining a sprained neck, a shattered elbow, and a twisted thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Chris Greene, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Floyd was, answered, "His tattoo."
Chamber of commerce president, Cletus Weiss, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from more and more shops and offices spoke hastily about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dough.
"We can't open our metropolis branch office until we can get there," grunted Julie Adams, president of Taco Tuba.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I might possibly just swallow."
Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.
Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eighth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with dollars for a pleasant time."
One resident picketer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he blurted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."
Heated up over the news, a avid spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Shamelessly Textured Piglet deluxe."
The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we demand to attract vacationers," grunted councilman Kirk Zimmerman, the bill's strongest proponent.
Locals can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the county. Council members noted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.
When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Venezuela restricted migration this week in a sulky new move. Venezuela diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Manchester University views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Young Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we hold back on all aspects of the plan."
Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.
"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia jogger averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Presidente Glotz of Honduras attacks with Emperor Xavier of Honduras last Friday in an attempt to paint the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.
Loyalists opposing the meeting made their joy known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials smoothly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated ecstasy from drummers.
Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Glotz feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed safely. Xavier added "I highly recommend we take immediate action on this proposal."
After the incident, mayor Lesser of Dullsville witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--quickly.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Boston, but I don't know about Chile.
3 were killed and 10 injured when three gangs opened fire on each other near the drive-in movies. Police replied within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, kids Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," blurted one surviving kid.
The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-42 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as avid kids sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.
"Our job was done when we got here," averred Officer Silva, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."
Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.
Store clerks in Thailand announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that will possibly be as old as 32 thousand years.
The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Jacque Cousteau the fifth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient greasy go-cart is considered proof positive that house spouses used go-carts to treat the warts," commented Dr. Mario Utley, an historian.
Reports from Venezuela indicate that managers there are cool with the situation.
The denizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Irving Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's cabinets, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.
The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.
The noxious gas descended over a control tower, chasing out all the citizens from the drive-in movies to Adam's Market. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and finger tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your nose and call your doctor.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Utley has created solar power. Leningrad Mayor Guthrie has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Utley heartily denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Leningrad University President Irving is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Only in the famed Scirica Labs could something like gas power be created. Scirica Labs, located near scenic Sydney, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Chicago University--a rival in the field--claimed that Scirica Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.