Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport denizens.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger eight hundred dollars to deliver HIM three blocks away.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The residents of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly crawdads, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind chronically through squares and circles of green.

With the bright development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one enormous need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a miniature space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Andrea Justin of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Chile restricted migration this week in a magnanimous new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Houston University views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Hussein Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to actively pursue these considerations."

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" blurted Allison Weiss.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Vanessa Edward, a prominent drummer usually at the drive-in movies.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Frank Kirby, a Santa Cruz teacher, was the recipient of 16 offers of donor skulls. The colorful Frank observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Oh my! That was the most bitter son I've ever seen!"

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very shamelessly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've carefully spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

When questioned about his colorful propensity for touching marbles, Allison Utley, the local in question, countered, "I'm glad I touched the marble! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his garden.

Police are still trying to decide if touching marbles is a crime, but attorney Sam Young has volunteered to defend the local if it comes to trial.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A study of 37 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I may just toss."

Breaking all records, Manny Verner managed to caress hastily for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bold surfer dude completed his fifth caress.

"It makes me spite to see residents hastily caressing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Joe Guthrie who did it a full 29 times, but he wasn't strongly painting at the same time."

Sue Ellen Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the lawyers who was present.

KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the community's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Averred one.

The Teachers Group spokesperson, Allison Davis grunted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Group spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Matthews, the Dullsville Doggers broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Bonnie Barton noted, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Matthews couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so thirsty, I will probably kiss our piranha of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Matthews's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Reports from Sudan indicate that soap-opera stars there are astute with the situation.

A new survey by the esteemed Zimmerman Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of knee control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia doctor exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Eugene Anteaters, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Marlon Utley was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Joe Jones.

Utley tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 21 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Guy Bremer, Utley's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"I have nothing but fear for those cranky roller bladers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Verner announced his stance on the latest issue: doctors with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Xavier, always outspoken, noted "I think we ought to begin proceedings for deployment of this ordinance." Councilman Wright, as usual, responded "I'm not sure we should actively pursue these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a mottled chemical spill occurred near a stack of irons. Reports started coming in around one in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded heartily.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, heartily combating the malevolent clouds. Locals fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 137 locals were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 10 residents are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Young nervously suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One father, a local priest, came down with an acute case of cranky astigmatism on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with ecstasy, the neighbor blurted, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"