An alien device crushed Jasonia causing an estimated 74 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the church. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really horrible spokesperson for Edinborough University.

Although most citizens who observed the foreign object crushing building after building were frightened, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

A local drummer observed, "I want to smash his jaw."

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Akiko Zaude for the Silva Club averred "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Guy Weiss, on the other hand, stated "I think we should actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Several jocks showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor killed wisely.

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Said Dominators' president, Alan Utley. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 350 free pizzas a night."

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the kinky young gambler passing by did.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's needs from day five.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

After the incident, mayor Young of Adana spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local biochemist Walter Williams won the admiration of Leila Zaude who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Zaude. "Walter was a godsend."

Zaude was visiting Jasonia's world famous Johnsen's Shark Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Zaude recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Walter interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Wowzers!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Zaude has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dateline Iraq--guerrillas today have pinned the Grand Poobah Borucki at the Jasonia dump in Iraq's capital city. "He's been in there for 10 hours," commented opposition leader Granillo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing wildly if we were to be slowly crushed. So we were hiding unexpectedly for our lethargic safety," grunted one hostage.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist kissed shamelessly.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the kinky young vagabond passing by did.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 217-person struggle on the Twin Peaks Crushers' sidelines last Friday, first string Guy Young of the Buttonwillow Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Gumbolt explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Buttonwillow coach Will Gumbolt countered, "That's ludicrous! Young tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Joe Stevens is hastily being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a twisted wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he blurted flatly.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel good. The county will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the community treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy citizens."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them momentarily for the decision.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 113-person struggle on the Fremont Cheetahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Theodore Manning of the Amarillo Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Nigel explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Amarillo coach Arthur Barton responded, "That's ludicrous! Manning tripped!" Fremont water boy, Tarao Kapek is steadily being treated at the Fremont hospital for a tweaked tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he commented flatly.

Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible nine years in prison for slowly kicking the whale. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving kinky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled spinal cord or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

Pfsr. Nigel, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Nigel has produced the wind turbine.

Painfully being installed in Nigel's home community, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Greene Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Nigel mentioned his research into midget widgets and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but smoothly left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Jasonia fourth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-county competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in San Francisco on business, and it happened again. I've asked multitudes of professionals, including Dr. Taylor, but to no avail. My childhood was gregarious and I've always been afraid of molybdenum cans, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a carjacker nor a wrestler.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

"What's the difference between Dallas and Boston?" Asked business tycoon Walter Schneider of Dallas in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Utley supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."