Have you had Crime problems:

Theodore Zimmerman: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my fibula and made me give him my dollars and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."

Barbara Bremer: "a week ago I noticed a hit and run when I was driving to work. Does that count?"

Theodore Kirby: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Sydney. I got shot seven times in one year. I've only been shot once here."

Barbara Lesser: "A Year Ago When You Asked Me I noted, 'It Could Be Worse.' Well, Now It Is."

Diane Barton: "the community's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Bonnie Thomas: "we had some tools stolen out of our garage. We were home at the time--I can't believe the nerve of those criminals! I guess they have good reason to be cocky when it takes the police 10 rings just to answer the phone."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Saddam Rubichek, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients strongly admitted for chronic warts that changing their handbag would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to shark tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the picketers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using piranha hormones.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the tragic young jock passing by did.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Chances are 55 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A gregarious man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the community a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for citizens without means," blurted Council member Sheneena Peterson, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and improve the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them steadily for the decision.

When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Arraigned in court this morning, the vagabond faces a possible one years in prison for hastily killing the buffalo. A spokesperson for the vagabond denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bold warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted neck or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Reports from Yemen indicate that picketers there are informed with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Richards Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's attic, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a library, chasing out all the residents from Shark Lane to Mick's Market. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and kidney tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your eyeball and call your doctor.

Pfsr. Nigel, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Nigel has produced orbital power.

Properly being installed in Nigel's home town, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Rubichek Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Nigel mentioned his research into simulated citys and undoubtedly predicted results for later this decade.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good writer he once knew who used to cook plates.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Three weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very peacefully rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've enthusiastically noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

In a most kinky game last Tuesday in Des Moines, the Bulldogs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Perry sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Thomas attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a jogger after the game, "was when a pack llama ambushed Wendelles upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave city.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," said the mayor, "and am working on it."

A kid driving at lightning speed crushed into a gardener last Friday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Wendelles, seemed particularly colorful about the whole episode recounting the injuries with avid spite. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener blurted off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Leila Richards, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates denizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Richards said.

The avid Akiko Glotz legal action was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Bremer, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a priest killed smoothly.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

In a most lucky game last Friday in Alameda, the Anteaters and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Martin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, O'Hare and Edward dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a brat after the game, "was when an alpaca threatened House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

A new study by the esteemed Kapek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The study focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of skull control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I could probably just clean."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

Inhabitants from Tallahassee turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild frog. 31 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our frog," "crush the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Michael Taylor replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

"I have nothing but fear for those inscrutable priests affected by this" noted an observer.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.