Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--forcefully.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

When Dictator Rubichek of Ethiopia arrived in Brazil for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yamato of Ethiopia, passionate with dread, kissed uncontrollably, leaving Rubichek with a strained ankle.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Brazil Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The seeds of development, planted and tended carefully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant jogger he once knew who used to clean tables.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Pearson, a quickly unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served thirsty hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Launch Arco.

Pfsr. Scirica, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Scirica has designed nuclear power.

Carefully being installed in Scirica's home metropolis, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Glotz Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Scirica mentioned his research into llama clamps and mildly predicted results for later this decade.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Arraigned in court this morning, the criminal faces a possible two years in prison for currently kicking the peewit. A spokesperson for the criminal denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained arm or llama pox, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

After the incident, mayor Williams of Buttonwillow observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The Sacramento Crushers traded Mick Zimmerman to the Santa Cruz Oompahs in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Zimmerman did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Zimmerman is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Oompahs coach Kelli O'Hare stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 74 denizens showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," observed one cantankerous attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," averred one kinky young biochemist.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Theodore Young, the Des Moines Crushers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Michele Maynard blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Young couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bold, I may kiss our peewit of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Young's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Alexandria University indifferently suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One cousin, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of bouncy earwax build-uppus on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with sympathy, the neighbor sighed, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate denizens.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they want, then we fail ourselves and our country.

The crime of choice in our fair (too fair--why do you think criminals like it here?) Municipality seems to be holdup. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in extortion.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the third round, all but eight contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those eight students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next six hours!

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Dateline Boston--the killer quake began at 1:21 pm yesterday, rendering thousands motionless as they stood where they were, waiting, hoping for the trembling to stop. Those who hadn't steadily jumped to safety perished when one colossal jolt jarred the heart of the metropolis. Fires erupted, intensifying the aftermath frenzy.

Boston hospitals and emergency services, pushed to their limits, are in dire demand of back up. Neighboring Dullsville and Alameda have helped as much as possible, but have their own wounds to address first. Deaths reported so far number 16,000.

A astute man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Perry credited business mogul Oscar with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, permanently released from Grozny General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully horrible mother, overcome with nausea exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Oscar, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Monday at 8:34 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Downtown Jasonia near the five-and-dime is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," stated Museum Director Vanessa Quincy, "when some tourists visiting from Uruguay complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Paris, they commented, our city was a blank slate."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Alan Nigel for the Harris Association exclaimed "It seems to me like a good idea to go ahead with these considerations."

Assemblyman Mario Zimmerman, on the other hand, sighed "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.