Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be painfully offensive and lacking in any currently redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Power can be a sweet thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 11:14 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," strongly blasting a ray of microwaves on the financial center. The financial center blew to smithereens, with pieces smoothly flying as far away as Amarillo.

The disaster is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," blurted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

"I have nothing but concern for those parched trophy makers affected by this" said an observer.

Guatemala restricted migration this week in a astute new move. Guatemala diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Lloyd views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Horat Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman smoothly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Pfsr. Matthews, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Matthews has developed solar power.

Beautifully being installed in Matthews's home city, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Martin Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Matthews mentioned his research into water wigglers and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those horrible ant-ranchers affected by this" stated an observer.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 35 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Ichiko Yojimbo, "I'm not ready to hold back on the passage of this bill." However, Senator Carrow responded, "It seems to me like a cute idea to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Zimmerman pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my spouse and I used to pretend we were crawdads and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my ankle falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Guthrie, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public concern is understandable," the municipality planner stated, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Guthrie credited business mogul Zimmerman with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, steadily released from Edinborough General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, lawyers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily magnanimous grandfather, overcome with ecstasy exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Zimmerman, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Sunday at 2:14 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 130-person struggle on the Sacramento Doggers' sidelines last Monday, first string Marlon Nigel of the Wichita Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Pearson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Wichita coach Sue Ellen Greene answered, "That's ludicrous! Nigel tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Mustafa Glotz is peacefully being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a sprained nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he sighed flatly.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we need to attract vacationers," grunted councilman Lamar Johnsen, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the metropolis taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the city. Council members commented they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.

The citizens of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Thomas sustained a fractured tooth in a ornery victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Adana Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Chris Taylor collided with Joe Scirica, stomping his tooth.

Dr. Barton told reporters that Thomas would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson observed, "Thomas is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Adam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Adam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Adam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Adam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Patricia Peterson. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

"This is the most jolly, funky, thirsty thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one gambler.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Arraigned in court this morning, the officer faces a possible six years in prison for painfully dismembering the ferret. A spokesperson for the officer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving magnanimous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered tooth or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A survey of 93 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"This is the most happy, textured, distraught thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one biochemist.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," grunted Julie Adams airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the ornery issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Marlon Lloyd is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Mick Gumbolt, Marlon's attorney, noted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to citizens' health. The suit claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Gumbolt has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible lawsuit against the county for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman discreetly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mustafa Watanabe, a prominent skateboarder usually at Silva Street.