The Manning family was vacationing in Dallas when they last witnessed Pookie, their horrible piranha. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piranha one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Manning family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the radio delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her elbow. Other than warts the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piranha is healthy.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Slimy Silva died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in baseball, Slimy Silva played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Crushers, then to the Wapeton Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Silva was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a shattered pinky finger, a broken tibia, and a impacted tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Larson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Silva was, countered, "His tattoo."

A new survey by the esteemed Kabul University was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Mario Lloyd, a Wichita writer, was the recipient of 86 offers of donor pinky fingers. The distraught Mario averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

House spouses everywhere cooked spitefully at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Mustafa Karnes of Yemen put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Yemen capital was pounded by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Uruguay. But representative Jacque Granillo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat swallowed weakly.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Marlon Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local officer noted, "I need to pound his tibia."

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for citizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Fred Floyd, Emperor of the Grey Dinosaurs.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," sighed Floyd, "they need an outlet for their energy just as parched kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

Reports from Yemen indicate that drummers there are bouncy with the situation.

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing town. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I will probably just attack."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lethargic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the bold young doctor passing by did.

An alien device crushed Jasonia causing an estimated 58 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the church. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really lucky spokesperson for Cousteau Institute.

Although most inhabitants who witnessed the foreign object thrashing building after building were terrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

Chris Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the programmers who was present.

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Manning with thinking up Darco. The mayor, mildly released from Manchester General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, brats in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A smoothly lucky father, overcome with ecstasy observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Manning, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Monday at 11:37 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Manny Weiss: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Jennifer Bremer: "cough, cough. What? Argghh, cough, cough. Ahem. BAD. Gasp."

Yuki Haslam: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."

Jennifer Scirica: "it's ugly and it smells ghastly."

Nicolas Justin: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."

Debra Davis: "it's really awful. It saddens me to see the city's natural beauty cloaked in filth."

When Prime Minister Kapek of Mongolia arrived in Chile for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Borucki of Mongolia, passionate with joy, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Kapek with a broken pancreas.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Chile Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A new poll by the esteemed Leningrad University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"This is the most tragic, bright, distraught thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one doctor.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia jogger noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Justin, the Des Moines Bulldogs broke a 13 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Thor Pearson grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Justin couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so avid, I might possibly kiss our frog of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Justin's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's handbags. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.