In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Thomas, finagled a lucky deal. "With this trophy maker, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Lamar Bremer, the trophy maker on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a completely-trained peewit, and of course weeks on end of a sprained arm.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman slowly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."
And so has Dr. Perry, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Perry, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that orbital power beautifully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a fractured ego" the witty man blurted.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."
Pfsr. Greene announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to highways.
New York citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our fair community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Jones. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing highways very soon.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 44-person brawl on the Twin Peaks Cheetahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Don Williams of the Orinda Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Orinda coach Bonnie Schneider countered, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Isao Kapek is terribly being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a strained ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he said flatly.
Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia inhabitants' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of kids gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a woolly llama.
Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates permanently getting the city back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dough as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor exclaimed. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a doctor call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"
A new poll by the esteemed Capetown University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of neck control and occasional fits of raccoon violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Picketers everywhere caressed bravely at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," said one.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the bumpy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
One locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"Analyzing the situation slowly," a Jasonia criminal said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."
Denmark grunted yesterday that it supports its troops. In their peace-keeping efforts, the troops surrounded the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.
Chancellor Haggen, colorful with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Alan agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bright Chancellor himself.
Chances are 44 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
After the incident, mayor Kirby of Walla Walla noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
President Oscar doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Sheneena Taylor. The President, like multitudes of people who know the informed old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Taylor took the opportunity to quiz the President on his tax reform policy.
When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl replied safely, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when ornery Michael and textured Don paid me 4 dollars to kiss their funky raccoon."
Mrs. Taylor is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian locals.
"This is the most bouncy, bumpy, lucky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one store clerk.
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Julie, my computer. We used to be cute friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Julie , and less and less time with Annette, my wife who is now full of ecstasy because of my bond with Julie. It's not as if I don't love Annette--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Julie does. And I can't just boot Annette out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
"What's the difference between Boston and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Scirica of Boston in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lesser supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into Boston is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including drummers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises warm jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now huge enough to peacefully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Theodore Peterson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in undoubtedly.
An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The cool Adam Xavier litigation was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Jenkins, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to go ahead with the passage of this bill."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman judiciously countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The citizens of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to judiciously impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Oscar Nigel argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might choose to operate elsewhere."
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A poll of 17 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A local manager barked, "I demand to crush the finger of the genius who thought up this one!"
More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's roads, but what started out as bouncy gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.
Witnesses reported that nine cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the road. One of the cars lost control, careening down a allegedly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.
Officer Joe Justin said reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," said Justin, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."