Fascits in Kenya battled independent fanatics around the government capitol in Kenya's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, guerrillas under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slippery Snail" were poised to surround the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, mercenaries and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Citizens of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a city cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the sixth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed residents beyond their breaking point. One bright surfer dude murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy neighbor squishes his pancreas and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Grozny and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 7 about the duck season.

According to Senator Helmut Ng, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue whatever looks good." However, Senator Schneider countered, "I highly recommend we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

The citizens of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Chances are 6 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one trophy maker.

A massive cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a Plymouth Arco.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the Plymouth Arco and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lethargic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that the aeroplane painfully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a twisted ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Manny's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Hasni's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Manny, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Manny is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Manny." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing completely as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" exclaimed Manny Martin.

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Managers everywhere searched carefully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," said one.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 48 denizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality undoubtedly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the court case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The Wichita Anteaters traded Andrew Larson to the Amarillo Stalkers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Stalkers coach Marlon Larson commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Lesser Labs heartily suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One child, a local kid, came down with an acute case of distraught old age on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with joy, the cousin noted, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 211-person brawl on the Renton Thrashers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Horace Floyd of the Walla Walla Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Pearson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Walla Walla coach Sarah Verner responded, "That's ludicrous! Floyd tripped!" Renton water boy, Andrea Maynard is unnecessarily being treated at the Renton hospital for a bent back. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he said flatly.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 37 students of the Irving High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry snake Organization.

Principal Johnsen boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Marlon Schneider answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"I have nothing but apathy for those crabby soap-opera stars affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

A informed man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."

Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like solar power be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in computerized railroad research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Scirica--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the metropolis otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the county was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious citizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 6 citizens from the water.