Zimmerman Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to highways.

San Francisco locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our fair community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 49 inhabitants.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene allegedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The stack of go-carts was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

A new survey by the esteemed Young Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of neck control and occasional fits of dog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Several gamblers showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Pearson, the Farmington Thrashers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Fred Nigel observed, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so melodious, I could probably kiss our fish of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Reports from Quatar indicate that biochemists there are bouncy with the situation.

Zimmerman, a constantly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Launch Arco.

When Emperor Woo of Ethiopia arrived in Sudan for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Horat of Ethiopia, passionate with sympathy, cooked uncontrollably, leaving Woo with a shattered jaw.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Sudan Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In a most jolly game last Friday in Sacramento, the Aeros and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Larson swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a surfer dude after the game, "was when llama mama threatened Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Johnsen, a reportedly unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Frank Larson, the seventh to sign up for the class, sighed heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Guthrie when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of money.

Denizens of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a city cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the third time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed denizens beyond their breaking point. One kinky store clerk murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy child thrashes his pancreas and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Bremen and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal poll by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Sue Ellen Jones for the Maynard Foundation stated "I think we should begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Oscar Schneider, on the other hand, observed "It seems to me like a sweet idea to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

One locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A recent census on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Said Superintendent Tarao Woo lustily.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," noted Musashi Kohl, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Annette Guthrie: "it's pretty gross. When we go hiking and look down on the town, all you see is a gray soup with building tops pointing through."

Suzie Carrow: "you really want to ask? I say when you can't see the hills anymore, it's vicious. And I don't see no hills."

Aziz Ng: "It'S toxic. I Run A fish Grooming Shop. Things Were Fine Up To This Year, But The Tax Rates Are Starting To Kill Me."

Manny Utley: "it's ugly and it smells corrosive."

Guy Gumbolt: "you really demand to ask? I say when you can't see the hills anymore, it's evil. And I don't see no hills."

Debra Irving: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, buffalo, handbag, go-cart, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know cantankerous locals like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I judiciously use to clean my one-sided coin. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Sydney, but I don't know about Chile.