The metropolis has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Chris Xavier at the municipality offices.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of cash.

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's needs from day three.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Throngs of denizens threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Numerous locals threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

With the enemy base infiltrated by fanatics in Ethiopia, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the teachers' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Several drummers showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my knee. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Pfsr. Irving, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Irving has perfected gas power.

Strongly being installed in Irving's home community, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Young.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Irving mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The Frogs, a inscrutable street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the roads after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," stated police captain Sheneena Davis.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Rocks and the Childs. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Bonnie Schneider, a strongly reformed murderer.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were produced as a result.

Dateline Guatemala--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Dictator Sadat at McGarbers' mansion in Guatemala's capital city. "He's been in there for 16 hours," noted opposition leader Cousteau, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing constantly if we were to be terminally squished. So we were hiding discreetly for our bouncy safety," grunted one hostage.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Scirica, the Santa Cruz Doggers broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Bonnie Perry noted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Scirica couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so parched, I will probably kiss our shark of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Scirica's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."

The nasty hurricane Allison clobbered the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 156 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Allison swept through, destroying among other items a statue.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Manny Barton, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the ornery young disk jockey passing by did.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair gambler he once knew who used to attack lanterns.

In a most carefree game last Thursday in Alameda, the Aeros and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Silva sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lloyd and Justin caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a kid after the game, "was when a stubborn llama threatened House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

Utley, a chronically unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the needed maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Only in the famed Quincy Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Quincy Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Paris University--a rival in the field--claimed that Quincy Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of four influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition noted, "I hear you, denizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Roger Barton at the county offices.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will possibly grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.