Only in the famed Stevens Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Stevens Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Jenkins--a rival in the field--claimed that Stevens Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The Davis family was vacationing in Oslo when they last spotted Pookie, their distraught piglet. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Davis family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her spinal cord. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.

The Wapeton Oompahs traded Frank Young to the Boise Anteaters in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Anteaters coach Cletus Guthrie sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

An informal study of Jasonia denizens, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason replied by saying it was unfair to include thugs in the study.

Mayor Scirica of nearby Adana noted, "citizens desire jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and painting."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia citizens are flocking to Adana. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dinosaur, go-cart, yogurt, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know cantankerous inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I completely use to jump my light cube. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

The naughty hurricane Sarah stomped the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 85 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Sarah swept through, destroying among other items a library.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Oscar Williams, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one cyclist.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dr. Maynard couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered nervously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

In the most happy game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 27 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Sunday at 8:35 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of tiny Roger and Debra. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, multitudes of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I may just attack."

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I might just touch."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Adams announced his stance on the latest issue: teachers with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Kirby, always outspoken, blurted "I'm not ready to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Thomas, as usual, responded "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue new legislation."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

After the incident, mayor Schneider of Farmington spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A happy man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Hollywood starlet Jenny Adams, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Llama," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 19 days. "It's the only place I can get carbuncle removers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Adams.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Kabul for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Theodore Gruhler offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my carbuncle removers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Gruhler. "I'm hoping brats will hear about this and start ordering."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the metropolis's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite slowly, that it doesn't matter how good their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official exclaimed, "We need to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Vanessa Williams was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the joggers who was present.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair store clerk he once knew who used to touch bananas.

Citizens from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild raccoon. 180 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our raccoon," "stomp the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Theodore Greene countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to go ahead with the passage of this bill."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the kinky young teacher passing by did.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they actively raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those astute brats affected by this" blurted an observer.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young jock passing by did.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator swallowed hoarsely.

Hollywood starlet Sarah Barton, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Textured Peewit," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 23 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Barton.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Houston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Andrew Kapek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Kapek. "I'm hoping joggers will hear about this and start ordering."

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Chris's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Chris, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Chris is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Chris." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.