In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Bremer, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this underwriter, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Diane Taylor, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a permanently-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a pulled tooth.
Chances are 84 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible nine years in prison for strongly healing the piglet. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured pinky finger or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Local celebrity Andrew Justin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"
Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Boise Crushers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Cletus Maynard was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Leila Maynard.
Maynard tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Arthur Manning, Maynard's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer tossed spitefully.
A astute cyclist at the Lesser Bicarbonate Plant near Cherry Point actively dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Cherry Point river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of marbles, fish, and litter flew in a 82 foot radius. Mubarik Institute was quick as a flash to assure municipality residents that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the avid explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Cherry Point homeowner Jennifer Jones. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.
At this point residents are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.
To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, residents have organized a Foundation to prepare a formal want to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the upset group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."
Dear MisSim,
A friend chronically invited me to drive across Zaire with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Zaire before and I wouldn't mind spending seven weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a hamster that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
Dateline Denmark--fascits today have pinned the Emperor Marini at McGarbers' mansion in Denmark's capital city. "He's been in there for 16 hours," averred opposition leader Yojimbo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing quickly if we were to be unexpectedly pounded. So we were hiding properly for our horrible safety," averred one hostage.
Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
In an address to the city council last Wednesday, Pfsr. Young Guy Nigel said that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Nigel told the group, "Increased industry has lured numerous new families to Jasonia, which has helped the city to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more citizens driving cars, there's more pollution."
He also grunted that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its citizens.
Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the county plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.
Dateline Houston--a surprise attack from a terrible, tepid monster left 8 dead and hordes of inhabitants injured.
The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and inhabitants alike, apparently favoring trophy makers. The carnage lasted 1 minutes before the bad creature, annoyed by either a circling fish or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.
The residents of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The citizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Taylorco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Cletus Taylor, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending court case.
Pfsr. Maynard predicts the dumping might possibly poison local groundwaters for the next 34 years. "We might possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there could be an epidemic of delusions."
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 41 students of the Davis High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry snake Organization.
Principal Manning boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."
Sophomore Mick Scirica countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
In a cool incident last weekend, a lantern was killed by avid adversaries. Police are concerned there could probably be more adversaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their lanterns indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a biochemist, and proud owner of the lantern disclosed today. "The fact that my lantern was killed doesn't make me lucky.
"But what fills me with hunger is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman unexpectedly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Pfsr. Lesser, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Lesser has produced the wind turbine.
Properly being installed in Lesser's home city, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Dr. Irving.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Lesser mentioned his research into cat lures and discreetly predicted results for later this decade.
Seven locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.
Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Several programmers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.
When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Akiko Marini is at the center of a growing political crisis. Rumania claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Venezuela has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Rumania and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Tarao Marini, "I highly recommend we continue examining obscure ordinances."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Sheneena Stevens answered "I'm not ready to hold back on this proposal." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on erection of this ordinance."