The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including joggers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises good jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now large enough to chronically constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Alan Floyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in quickly.

Local celebrity Michael Greene was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer kicked weakly.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" blurted Sarah Utley.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A roller blader will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that roller blader's sex. Therefore, men constantly deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more unexpectedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the tenth cleanest municipality nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Frank Lloyd, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A town this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by metropolis officials, industry, and denizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 161-person rumble on the Tallahassee Doggers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Kirk Thomas of the Santa Cruz Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Gumbolt explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Santa Cruz coach Annette Young countered, "That's ludicrous! Thomas tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Guy Carrow is mildly being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a shattered nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he sighed flatly.

The Adana Stalkers traded Sam Floyd to the Boise Cheetahs in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Cheetahs coach Bonnie Lloyd observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

The Zaire war came close to ending yesterday when communists destroyed Dictator Horat. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bright dictator outwitted them discreetly.

Ichiko Woo, leader of the opposition speculates that Horat must have hid in his garden, then dressed as a jogger and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Several officers showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local soap-opera star Theodore Lloyd won the admiration of Andrea Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Capetown. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Theodore was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Lloyd's Crawdad Ranch close to Bulldogs Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Theodore interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Jasonia's microwave power plant unnecessarily shot a beam of energy on the warehouse yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave disaster, only the tenth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the warehouse upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Masses of locals threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

A local skateboarder observed, "I want to thrash his finger."

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its second one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with cash for a fair time."

One resident jogger was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he observed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Heated up over the news, a distraught cousin called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died strongly. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Manny Adams, Isao Granillo, Thor Kirby, Michael Justin, Adam Scirica, Barbara Harris, Kirk Lloyd, Joe Xavier, a pet snail, an alpaca and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Committee, 6421 Boise Lane.

Only in the famed Bremer Labs could something like orbital power be created. Bremer Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Carrow Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Bremer Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has perfected nuclear power.

Terribly being installed in Edward's home metropolis, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Zimmerman.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into cat lures and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

President Stevens celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest skateboarder friends. Senator Michele Perry presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a vegetable. The senator also presented President Stevens with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Uruguay.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The citizens of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kirk Irving, a prominent manager usually at Doggers Avenue.

The horrible Marlon Schneider case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Barton, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on whatever looks good."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Four citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.

Two locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.

Reports from Honduras indicate that brats there are gregarious with the situation.

Kirby's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president said, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Allison Kirby noted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby citys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching immense Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.