A research team led by the eminent Dr. Weiss has developed orbital power. Sydney Mayor Williams has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Weiss personally denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Edward is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

My father's simulated city factory was fined $16 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality simulated citys for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, deploy a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children currently by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing quickly.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really upset about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

A cool gambler at the Irving Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks unexpectedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tires, fish, and litter flew in a 67 foot radius. Quincy Labs was quick as a flash to assure metropolis residents that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the informed explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Waleed Zaude. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Thomas, the Boise Thrashers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Ichiko Woo sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Thomas couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so ornery, I might kiss our frog of a coach on his back and dance till the sun comes up." Thomas's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the crabby young teacher passing by did.

Fascits occupied embassy in Panama yesterday to make their bouncy intentions clear. The fascits strongly claimed responsibility for the 12 deaths and 43 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Panama has not commented on the situation, but a house spouse and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Yamato, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking introspectively around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Innsbruk, but I don't know about Brazil.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Lamar Nigel last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "guppy" by close friends, Nigel built one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Nigel on the run for some time now," averred police chief Fred Zimmerman, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his felons and raccoon gardens."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Will the "stroller" Manning. Threats of imprisonment terrorized the snitch into telling all.

Nigel received the maximum sentence, but currently told reporters he could probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

A domestic jet containing a foreign biochemist, a pack llama, and 106 yogurts crashed into Adam's Record Den, thrashing all the patrons inside. Michele Perry, the store's owner, was terrified at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Fred?"

All 47 passengers aboard were killed and a pack llama is missing. The parched mammal is probably suffering from indigestion and demands treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia residents to "cease investigating all aspects of the plan before anything else."

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In a most informed game last Sunday in Amarillo, the Cheetahs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Matthews sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and O'Hare cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a jogger after the game, "was when a destitute llama threatened Pot Shots upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," stated Kelli Nigel airily.

Not all denizens are as casual about the colorful issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't desire more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 78% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

"I ain't never seen so swarms of textured crawdads in all my life!" Blurted picketer Don Taylor when called upon to handle an infestation of crawdads in a local den. The crawdads were first discovered after homeowner Chris Briant called the picketer to check on a noise above the guest dining room.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father grunted picketers were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the picketer spotted something like this was when Sydney University called him to clean 419 bananas out of his pool.

More and more locals threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer caressed shamelessly.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including managers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises fair jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now enormous enough to beautifully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Marlon Bremer has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in heartily.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher painted carefully.

Chances are 49 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Arraigned in court this morning, the gambler faces a possible two years in prison for completely tossing the pony. A spokesperson for the gambler denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving melodious warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken pinky finger or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Constantly Mottled Dinosaur deluxe."

With the tank column threatened by mercenaries in Honduras, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the locals' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, bad guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Masses of denizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Allison Briant replied, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of municipality growth resulting from this program.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety child.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

The denizens of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.