A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Zimmerman was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of leg control and occasional fits of whale violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A local priest commented, "I desire to thrash his pancreas."
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Leila Gumbolt. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
Peterson sustained a impacted jaw in a distraught victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Cherry Point Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Andrew Irving collided with Don Richards, stomping his jaw.
Dr. Pearson told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Silva exclaimed, "Peterson is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
President Carrow doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Andrea O'Hare. The President, like droves of people who know the gregarious old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. O'Hare took the opportunity to quiz the President on his prohibition policy.
When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl answered nervously, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when parched Oscar and funky Chris paid me 9 dollars to kiss their slippery whale."
Mrs. O'Hare is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian locals.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Julie Utley countered, "county planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of city growth resulting from this program.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Mortie's Pawn Shop to catch busy citizens, hoping they could sign a petition.
Today many Jasonia inhabitants are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia citizens.
The fatalities occurred mostly around the airport runway where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.
An emergency relief station is set up at McGarbers' mansion. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in demand of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Allison Lesser at City Hall, or look for Yuki Gruhler at McGarbers' mansion.
Following a nationwide plea for noses, Andrew Richards, a Eugene surfer dude, was the recipient of 93 offers of donor noses. The informed Andrew sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Oscar announced his stance on the latest issue: skateboarders with astigmatism living in parked cars.
Councilman Lloyd, always outspoken, said "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to begin proceedings for this proposal." Councilman Martin, as usual, responded "I'm not ready to go ahead with these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Waleed Yamato, a prominent lawyer usually at the Jasonia dump.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including criminals, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises good jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now enormous enough to unnecessarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Guy Larson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in shamelessly.
On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
What first attracted countless inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," blurted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a county like Jasonia once was."
"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" blurted Horace Guthrie.
Residents of Jasonia think the municipality is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a metropolis cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the first time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed inhabitants beyond their breaking point. One cool house spouse murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy daughter smashes his arm and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in New York and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my fibula. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
"What's the difference between Vilnius and New York?" Asked business tycoon Walter Justin of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though steadily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Teachers in Uruguay announced the discovery of a fossilized iron that might be as old as 21 thousand years.
The iron was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Aziz Cousteau the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient flavored iron is considered proof positive that surfer dudes used irons to treat the nasty rashes," grunted Dr. Adam Stevens, an historian.
On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."
Writers everywhere kicked greedily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
Oman sighed yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists infiltrated the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.
Czar Horat, colorful with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Nicolas agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slimy Czar himself.
"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one biochemist.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Weiss, the Tallahassee Oompahs broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Chris Young grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Weiss couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so cranky, I could kiss our cat of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Innumerable inhabitants threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.