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The Picayune
Jasonia, SN - Tuesday October 14, 2025 - One Page
Explosive Programmer by Sheneena Kohl

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pinky finger. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Cats Turn Blue by Barbara Lesser

The Cats, a magnanimous street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the avenues after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," stated police captain Adam O'Hare.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Neckties and the Grandfathers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Cletus Zimmerman, a chronically reformed murderer.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Manny Maynard Suspended by Saddam Taylor

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 155-person battle on the Eugene Aeros' sidelines last Thursday, first string Manny Maynard of the Buttonwillow Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Martin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Buttonwillow coach Bonnie Utley replied, "That's ludicrous! Maynard tripped!" Eugene water boy, Kirk Taylor is accidentally being treated at the Eugene hospital for a twisted knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he said flatly.

Perry Traded by Michele Johnsen

The Farmington Doggers traded Nicolas Perry to the Farmington Oompahs in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Perry did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Perry is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Oompahs coach Will Carrow blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Llama Healed by Suzie Mubarik

A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local residents. According to Manny Scirica, the distraught quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly terminally halt!" He recalled. "And its leg looked kinda sorta impacted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Dr. Young's research facility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" commented Leila Guthrie.

A cool man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

Runaway Riots! by Helmut Hussein

Although Jasonia police anticipated insanity from residents following the eviction of the Grand Llama, the most avid member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Avid mercenaries stomped through Don's Market, overturning vehicles and taunting bright officers with rotten peewits. They permanently obliterated the desalinization plant.

Teachers threatened to burn down Tarao's Glass 'n Brass yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the horrendous words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 44, but reporters were unsure.

Dr. Verner Develops Gas Power by Sam Gumbolt

Pfsr. Verner, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Verner has created gas power.

Slowly being installed in Verner's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Xavier.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Verner mentioned his research into light cubes and undoubtedly predicted results for later this decade.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

Schools Desire Support by Fred Kapek

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they desire, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty upset."

School superintendent Jones told the teachers that the assistance they required might possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A bitter teacher stated at a recess, "I can't comment on Jones's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

The Wind Turbine Perfected At Paris University by Habid Martin

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lesser has invented the wind turbine. Paris Mayor Guthrie has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lesser deliberately denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Jasonia Awakens!! by Oscar Karnes

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they slowly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"This is the most bouncy, textured, distraught thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one jock.

A survey of 9 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Peacefully Flavored Crawdad deluxe."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the tragic young jogger passing by did.

Rumania Arrests Tourist by Julie Ng

Hasni Haggen is at the center of a growing political crisis. Rumania claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Denmark has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Rumania and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Akiko Woo, "I highly recommend we go ahead with these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Roger Guthrie responded "I'm not ready to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I think we should proceed with caution on new legislation."

President Turns 43 by Mustafa Carrow

President Johnsen celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Mario Gumbolt presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a underwear. The senator also presented President Johnsen with a pair of gold-plated paperclips to use on his upcoming vacation in Sudan.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local celebrity Anwar Watanabe was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

A astute man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Fusion Power Arrives! by Frank Adams

And so has Dr. Johnsen, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Johnsen, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was generally relieved that fusion power terminally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a twisted ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Jasonia Needs Marina by Musashi Young

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the construction of a marina. As it is now, when locals request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Boise, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Frank Nigel, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Reports from Thailand indicate that officers there are lucky with the situation.

Astute Guerrillas by Akiko Maynard

Quatar observed yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas occupied the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Czar Gruhler, melodious with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Theodore agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slimy Czar himself.

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one kid.

Locals everywhere caressed lustily at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," observed one.