The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Tallahassee Cheetahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Marlon Carrow was out after injuring his fibula. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Will Young.
Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 21 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Alan Larson, Carrow's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Guerrillas in Iraq battled independent fascits around the government embassy in Iraq's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "mottled Dog" were poised to surround the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, troops and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Mayor Jason blurted, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Mario Irving, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Houston. Irving has been competing for four years, and just last December won a position on the SimNational Team.
Irving's story is accidentally inspiring, since he has been a long time ulcers sufferer. He blurted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome ulcers to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he blurted.
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I might possibly just search."
The citizens of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 30 inhabitants.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene constantly, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The bus station was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
A cantankerous house spouse at the Carrow Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton chronically dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bicycles, fish, and litter flew in a 84 foot radius. Dallas University was quick as a flash to assure community inhabitants that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the lethargic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Sheneena Williams. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," sighed Mayor Jason who has blurted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
"Analyzing the situation quickly," a Jasonia lawyer sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The city will offer free clinics to its inhabitants so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the metropolis treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy town unless you have healthy inhabitants."
The citizens of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.
Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them wildly for the decision.
Dear MisSim,
A friend unexpectedly invited me to drive across Quatar with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Quatar before and I wouldn't mind spending four weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a pony that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 9 about the work week.
According to Senator Debra Edward, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with obscure ordinances." However, Senator Oscar answered, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on these considerations."
After the incident, mayor Silva of Des Moines spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Citizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will completely damage business. While a smoking ban may accidentally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Peterson sustained a crushed ankle in a sulky victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Des Moines Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jacque Albitre collided with Sam Adams, crushing his ankle.
Dr. Johnsen told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Edward observed, "Peterson is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
One thousand residents! A lucky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that horrible goal of five million.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
Several brats showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.
When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
After the incident, mayor Wright of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 46 locals.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press court case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality unexpectedly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I will probably just search."
Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, locals shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Denizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident observed unnecessarily.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," noted another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to request more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the town takes action.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.