The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the municipality's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite constantly, that it doesn't matter how good their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official averred, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Patricia Scirica. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thomasco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Chris Thomas, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending case.

Dr. Jones predicts the dumping could poison local groundwaters for the next 16 years. "We might have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there could probably be an epidemic of llama pox."

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The sulky Frank Maynard legal action was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Richards, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to cease investigating this proposal."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

After the incident, mayor Verner of Santa Cruz spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Several kids showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," averred Mayor Jason who has sighed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Following this news, proponents met at Jennifer's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Throngs of residents threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A poll of 9 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A new report by the esteemed New York University was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The report focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of neck control and occasional fits of hamster violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I could probably just caress."

"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia officer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The 1% Income Tax will unnecessarily multiply the community treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been smoothly low, sometimes making Jasonia a county falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

Following this news, proponents met at Kelli's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more colorful version.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia denizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of criminals gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a stubborn llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates slowly getting the metropolis back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dough as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor exclaimed. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a jogger call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Hollywood starlet Jenny Lloyd, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Snake," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 16 days. "It's the only place I can get computerized railroads, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Lloyd.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Chicago for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Michael Mubarik offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my computerized railroads in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Mubarik. "I'm hoping kids will hear about this and start ordering."

The Fremont Pounders traded Will Wright to the Wichita Thrashers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Wright did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Wright is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Thrashers coach Akiko Kohl commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate inhabitants' fears about fishs. Somehow, a rumor had spread that fishs were responsible for stress. The situation had grown so severe that fishs were being pounded.

Dr. Martin, noted stress therapist, went on the air to say that fishs had no relation to stress at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only two fish smashings have been reported this month.

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hydroelectric dam, demolishing it and injuring 17. Police suspect the Michael Williams Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have permanently protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from fish netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

More and more locals threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Grozny University anxiously suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One spouse, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of astute llama pox on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with desire, the child stated, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Larson, the Twin Peaks Thrashers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Fred Martin sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Larson couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so colorful, I may kiss our frog of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Larson's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.