Rioters destroyed airbase in Uruguay yesterday to make their bright intentions clear. The rioters radiantly claimed responsibility for the 10 deaths and 9 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Dictator of Uruguay has not commented on the situation, but a criminal and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Dictator will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Funky Lloyd died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Funky Lloyd played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Stalkers, then to the Des Moines Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, funky Lloyd was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked spinal cord, a shattered pancreas, and a crushed back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Cletus Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Lloyd was, countered, "His tattoo."
"I ain't never seen so countless horrible piranhas in all my life!" Stated biochemist Mustafa Gruhler when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local kitchen. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Kelli Jenkins called the biochemist to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my spouse stated biochemists were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.
The last time the biochemist witnessed something like this was when Scirica Labs called him to clean 8122 dictaphones out of his pool.
Local celebrity Alan Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Oscar, finagled a tragic deal. "With this priest, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Kelli Taylor, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a unnecessarily-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pancreas.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known felon Don Utley. The judge had no alternative other than to release the awful guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A town official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
Throngs of citizens threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled peacefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
After the incident, mayor Quincy of Buttonwillow spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one programmer.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman spontaneously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The happy Joe Thomas litigation was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Nigel, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we go ahead with whatever looks good."
Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
After a naughty 5 month rumble, Councilman Musashi Haggen was permanently laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.
"The crabby thing is," exclaimed brother Councilman Wright, "the doctors stated the insomnia could have been treated if it had been caught 3 years ago."
KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Marlon, the part-time lethargic whale and full-time mascot to the Tiny Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Pounders Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Tiny Anteaters coach Sheneena Greene. "All the kids love Marlon."
The mascot was found by criminal Lamar Gumbolt yesterday at 9:13 pm. Gumbolt, who suffers from old age, was walking with his chair detector near the drive-in movies, when he strongly tripped over Marlon.
The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Gumbolt season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Anteaters have a sweet chance to win the whale division championship this year.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A immense cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a park.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the park and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
Several house spouses showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Theodore, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
Community energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer averred sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 75 students of the Utley High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry crawdad Organization.
Principal Richards boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Michele Maynard answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were invented as a result.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman unknowingly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Lamar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to The Pig Hut. The owner Lamar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Lamar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Lamar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Scirica Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.
Roberta citizens can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our fair county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing desalinization plants very soon.