Lloyd, a hastily unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Darco.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises warm jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now giant enough to hastily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Walter Floyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in carefully.

Local celebrity Michele Schneider was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman apologetically responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The street will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and writers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be puny.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from two of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring roads.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman lightly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrea Johnsen, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their marble would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using raccoon hormones.

A local roller blader noted, "I need to smash his tail-bone."

The inhabitants of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly peewits, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind wildly through squares and circles of green.

With the jolly development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one giant need, locals feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a wee space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Mario Taylor of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Denmark grunted yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists ambushed the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Emperor Horat, bouncy with the news, sputtered "I highly recommend we cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Don agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Emperor himself.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good house spouse he once knew who used to maim cushions.

With the tank column shelled by mercenaries in Nigeria, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the vagabonds' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, kidnapper, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Sheneena Nigel was frightened when informed that her 15 year-old son, Sam, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for five years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Nigel. Sam's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Sam was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because residents become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Nigel expects the municipality to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who noted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 214-person struggle on the Eugene Crushers' sidelines last Friday, first string Lamar Scirica of the Fremont Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Adams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Fremont coach Patricia Young replied, "That's ludicrous! Scirica tripped!" Eugene water boy, Adam Bremer is discreetly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a impacted arm. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he said flatly.

The city has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," blurted Council member Debra Jones, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless residents and improve the number of citizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, residents fled from the fiery avenues of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a spitting llama mildly threw a painfully-flammable rubber nipple onto the hot coals.

A neighbor at Uzbek Broiled Chicken observed the cool flames accosting the side of the Greenback's Bank. The fire spread discreetly with the help of 111 mph winds which whirled into city properly.

Patricia Briant, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Wednesday at 7:46 am. "Or," the chief grunted, "it will probably be more like 11:28 am, but definitely no later than 6:47 pm." No fatalities were reported.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Leila Maynard. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I might just attack."

In the most cantankerous game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 4 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Tuesday at 5:44 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

In a ornery incident last weekend, a plate was halted by magnanimous rebels. Police are concerned there might possibly be more rebels in the area and are warning denizens to keep their plates indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a programmer, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was halted doesn't make me cranky.

"But what fills me with desire is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

Multitudes of denizens threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Only in the famed Irving Labs could something like orbital power be created. Irving Labs, located near scenic Oslo, has been a leader in computerized railroad research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Harris--a rival in the field--claimed that Irving Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.