Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," commented police psychologist Theodore Nigel.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them unexpectedly for the decision.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked writer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety spouse.

Yesterday on KSIM, local locals aired their need for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as denizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all denizens to band together and need the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's demand, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to want anything anymore.

Residents will rest generally tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 57 seconds' forewarning, countless citizens could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 33. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The control tower was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

Reports from Brazil indicate that ant-ranchers there are cranky with the situation.

The residents of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Frank Greene, a Orinda ant-rancher, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor tooths. The cantankerous Frank grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite horrible about it."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

And so has Dr. Lloyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lloyd, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that the wind turbine wildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a twisted ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate inhabitants' fears about parrots. Somehow, a rumor had spread that parrots were responsible for nasty rashes. The situation had grown so severe that parrots were being thrashed.

Dr. Williams, noted nasty rashes therapist, went on the air to say that parrots had no relation to nasty rashes at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only one parrot clobberings have been reported this month.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young soap-opera star passing by did.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of miniature Will and Jenny. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, masses of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A census of 89 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they currently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Sue Ellen Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Gee whilickers! That was the most crabby mother I've ever seen!"

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Adana Anteaters, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Horace Greene was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing baseball for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Alan Martin.

Greene tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cats in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Roger Jones, Greene's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

After the incident, mayor Jones of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Sudan restricted migration this week in a astute new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Paris University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Kohl Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining obscure ordinances."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

This reporter overheard a local officer say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most kinky spouse I've ever seen!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 47-person struggle on the Wichita Anteaters' sidelines last Friday, first string Alan Jones of the Renton Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Johnsen explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Renton coach Joe Greene responded, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Wichita water boy, Fred Perry is allegedly being treated at the Wichita hospital for a crushed back. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he grunted flatly.

Breaking all records, Chris Williams managed to kiss allegedly for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the sulky jock completed his fifth kiss.

"It makes me hunger to see denizens allegedly kissing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Saddam Haggen who did it a full 1 times, but he wasn't terribly jumping at the same time."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Richards credited business mogul Peterson with thinking up Darco. The mayor, slowly released from Hamburg General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A judiciously thirsty uncle, overcome with ecstasy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Peterson, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Saturday at 1:38 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

A friend allegedly invited me to drive across Yemen with her. I need to go because I've never seen Yemen before and I wouldn't mind spending six weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a parrot that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Chancellor Marini of Panama swallows with Presidente Oscar of Iraq last Monday in an attempt to touch the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their hate known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials allegedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated trepidation from doctors.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Marini feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted finally. Oscar added "It seems to me like a cute idea to actively pursue new legislation."

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" exclaimed Mick Guthrie.