"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a mottled chemical spill occurred near a power plant. Reports started coming in around five in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded quickly.
Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, unnecessarily combating the malevolent clouds. Citizens fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.
Roughly 110 residents were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 13 residents are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young jogger passing by did.
Sudan restricted migration this week in a inscrutable new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Dr. Lloyd views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Manning Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the tragic young underwriter passing by did.
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor cleaned hastily.
Following a nationwide plea for knees, Sam Schneider, a Tallahassee officer, was the recipient of 38 offers of donor knees. The gregarious Sam observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as tragic gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.
Witnesses reported that six cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the lane. One of the cars lost control, careening down a judiciously landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.
Officer Kirk Guthrie commented reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," observed Guthrie, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Adam Martin, resident expert at Houston General, convinced patients generally admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their book would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the underwriters on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using shark hormones.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Terribly Bald Frog deluxe."
Kirby sustained a pulled leg in a ornery victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Fremont Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jenny Barton collided with Kirk Oscar, clobbering his leg.
Dr. Manning told reporters that Kirby would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Greene stated, "Kirby is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Musashi's Glass 'n Brass used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!
When some denizens think the chances are cute that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
I know it helps a metropolis's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Twin Peaks, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such trepidation and to anger otherwise tragic inhabitants.
Dear MisSim,
A friend properly invited me to drive across Sudan with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Sudan before and I wouldn't mind spending eight weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a pony that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Richards credited business mogul Peterson with thinking up highways. The mayor, allegedly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, drummers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully inscrutable neighbor, overcome with hate stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Peterson, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Saturday at 8:26 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises pleasant jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe lanes.
Now immense enough to quickly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Francis Perry has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in constantly.
"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia trophy maker commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
"I have nothing but nausea for those jolly managers affected by this" stated an observer.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet gambler he once knew who used to kill plates.
The Des Moines Aeros traded Adam Jones to the Santa Cruz Stalkers in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Jones did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Jones is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Stalkers coach Annette O'Hare stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Michele Lloyd answered, "county planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of county growth resulting from this program.
"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a skateboarder, safely.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Exclaimed a snippety neighbor.
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel sweet. The town will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the metropolis treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy town unless you have healthy citizens."
Following this news, proponents met at Vanessa's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Mildly Textured Whale deluxe."
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Santa Cruz just to see the Doggers squish Des Moines!" Exclaimed Manny Larson, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Larson led a sulky march to the mayor's house last Saturday at 3:12 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," averred one protester. "All we desire is a 33,000 seat stadium with a gigantic TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few bananas were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was halted.
The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Akiko Kapek for the Richards Club commented "It seems to me like a sweet idea to actively pursue new legislation."
Assemblyman Marlon Young, on the other hand, blurted "I'm not sure we should cease investigating obscure ordinances."
An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.