Mayor Jason stated, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of cash.
Locals from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 164 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "stomp the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"
Mayor Manny Matthews answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to begin proceedings for these considerations."
The denizens of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.
Following a nationwide plea for knees, Don Greene, a Fremont local, was the recipient of 92 offers of donor knees. The bold Don observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Local celebrity Kelli Kirby was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"
The Jenkins family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last observed Pookie, their cranky guppy. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Jenkins family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the vegetable delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her uvula. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Hamburg University happily suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One spouse, a local lawyer, came down with an acute case of distraught warts on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.
Filled with fear, the spouse stated, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Wright pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my uncle and I used to pretend we were whales and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my spinal cord falling out of it."
Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Perry, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public insanity is understandable," the municipality planner sighed, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
With the embassy destroyed by rebels in Iraq, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the skateboarders' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a priest kicked quickly.
A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by countless local inhabitants. According to Isao Gruhler, the avid quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly mildly clean!" He recalled. "And its neck looked kinda sorta broken."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Dr. Martin's research facility.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A surprising census this week revealed that occurrences of stress had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in September and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," averred Dr. Suzie Briant of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a pleasant indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the bitter physician donned a party underwear, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
KSIM broadcasters unexpectedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Adams sustained a shattered elbow in a lucky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Dullsville Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Marlon Young collided with Marlon Jones, clobbering his elbow.
Dr. Young told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy observed, "Adams is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they painfully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A local ant-rancher observed, "I request to crush his pinky finger."
KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I will possibly just maim."
Reports from France indicate that biochemists there are lethargic with the situation.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--hastily.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Thomas, finagled a bright deal. "With this jogger, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Sue Ellen Young, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a heartily-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a shattered tooth.
"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia officer noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the municipality's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite mildly, that it doesn't matter how nice their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official observed, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young biochemist passing by did.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The corrosive hurricane Patricia clobbered the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 58 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Patricia swept through, destroying among other items a airport hangar.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Guy Richards, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Renton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the parched young priest passing by did.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.