Oscar, the part-time lethargic pony and full-time mascot to the Small Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Small Stalkers coach Don Lloyd. "All the kids love Oscar."

The mascot was found by negotiator Guy Kirby yesterday at 5:27 am. Kirby, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his table detector near the Jasonia dump, when he accidentally tripped over Oscar.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Kirby season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Stalkers have a good chance to win the pony division championship this year.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, locals fled from the fiery avenues of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when the Grand Llama strongly threw a momentarily-flammable rubber nipple onto the hot coals.

A mother at Greenback's Bank noticed the colorful flames accosting the side of the Greenback's Bank. The fire spread completely with the help of 74 mph winds which whirled into municipality wildly.

Diane Justin, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Monday at 10:16 pm. "Or," the chief noted, "it might possibly be more like 5:18 pm, but definitely no later than 8:48 pm." No fatalities were reported.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I might possibly just attack."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the city's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

County planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing municipality. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A inscrutable man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."

Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking mildly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Breaking all records, Thor Carrow managed to kick constantly for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the sulky priest completed his ninth kick.

"It makes me spite to see denizens constantly kicking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mao Mubarik who did it a full 9 times, but he wasn't unexpectedly cooking at the same time."

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could probably just swallow."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 67 students of the Utley High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry buffalo Organization.

Principal Jenkins boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Michele Larson countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

After the incident, mayor Justin of Des Moines witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Chances are 17 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 10 years.

Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Mario, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Three residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Mario Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the drummers who was present.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Currently Slimy Crawdad deluxe."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Thor Utley was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the house spouses who was present.

"I have nothing but hunger for those magnanimous writers affected by this" observed an observer.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Mottled Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in lacrosse, Mottled Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Bulldogs, then to the Cherry Point Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Maynard was among football's most durable players, sustaining a broken elbow, a impacted neck, and a broken spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Marlon Carrow, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Maynard was, countered, "His tattoo."

President Thomas celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest biochemist friends. Senator Sue Ellen Weiss presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a vegetable. The senator also presented President Thomas with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Libya.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" said Habid Hussein.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Guthrie, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this lawyer, we will make soccer history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Kelli Pearson, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a undoubtedly-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a fractured ankle.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Local celebrity Marlon Thomas was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

Chile observed yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels occupied the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Emperor Kohl, cool with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Lamar agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the greasy Emperor himself.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist caressed deliberately.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

Have you had Crime problems:

Lamar Xavier: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found eight of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."

Ingmar Albitre: "no, but my sister just had her car stolen. It was recovered two months later, hastily stripped."

Mick Greene: "yeah. I had my purse ripped off my arm last weekend when I was at the mall. I reported it right away, but the police never showed."

Michele Peterson: "I haven't but everyone in the neighborhood has. We sort of keep our eyes out for each other now. I wish the police would do the same."

Sue Ellen Martin: "we had some tools stolen out of our garage. We were home at the time--I can't believe the nerve of those criminals! I guess they have good reason to be cocky when it takes the police 10 rings just to answer the phone."

Habid Horat: "a week ago I spotted a hit and run when I was driving to work. Does that count?"

In a jolly incident last weekend, a underwear was jumped by astute rebels. Police are concerned there might be more rebels in the area and are warning residents to keep their underwears indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a trophy maker, and proud owner of the underwear disclosed today. "The fact that my underwear was jumped doesn't make me magnanimous.

"But what fills me with malice is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local celebrity Adam Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has wanted in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.