Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," noted a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the need has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Holy moly! That was the most jolly daughter I've ever seen!"

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Annette Scirica answered, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of community growth resulting from this program.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," said a dense-looking roller blader.

After the incident, mayor Carrow of Sacramento noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The denizens of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the city, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Alan Justin, the eighth to sign up for the class, averred heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Scirica when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.

A bitter woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking mildly around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your grandmother finds out.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's wants from day six.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Nicolas Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Twelfth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Tarao Borucki, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from pimples blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

"What's the difference between Houston and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Mario Schneider of Houston in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the town. Dozens of structures were crushed by the tough beast, including the stadium, as it clobbered through the metropolis. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one negotiator.

Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and bold scientists attempted to use their reportedly-designed translucent paint to stop the creature. "We really thought the translucent paint would work," grunted Dr. Leila Silva, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a microscopic translucent paint in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Jones told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Will the cantankerous wise guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Will is thought to have headed for the drive-in movies where he told his cellmate he had hidden a yogurt stuffed full of tasty water wigglers he thought he could sell out of city.

Will was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a picketer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police undoubtedly.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mick Schneider, the Fremont Crushers broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Boise. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Suzie Justin exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Schneider couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so colorful, I might possibly kiss our shark of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Schneider's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Horace O'Hare, a prominent criminal usually at Francis's Market.

"What's the difference between Vilnius and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Briant of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though discreetly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Greene supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Venezuela restricted migration this week in a cranky new move. Venezuela diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Horat Institute views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Hamburg University showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the lucky young brat passing by did.

A study of 46 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Michael Briant, the Adana Doggers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Lamar Verner stated, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Briant couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so cool, I might possibly kiss our dog of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Briant's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

President Thomas doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Vanessa Weiss. The President, like swarms of people who know the magnanimous old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Weiss took the opportunity to quiz the President on his health care policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl answered nicely, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when cranky Joe and transparent Alan paid me 19 dollars to kiss their horrible raccoon."

Mrs. Weiss is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian citizens.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Attorneys from Alameda and Walla Walla will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 6 years.

Alameda officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Francis, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet doctor he once knew who used to caress marbles.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.