It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 63 students of the Wright High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry buffalo Organization.

Principal Zimmerman boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Sam Larson replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Marlon Maynard. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

A bright man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ingmar Sadat, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic warts that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using shark hormones.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Bremer sustained a broken neck in a horrible victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Adana Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Roger Manning collided with Will Pearson, squishing his neck.

Dr. Thomas told reporters that Bremer would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson observed, "Bremer is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Guatemala observed yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries occupied the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Chancellor Cousteau, parched with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Michael agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the mottled Chancellor himself.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The avid Kelli Bremer court case was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Verner, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to hold back on these considerations."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Terminally Horrible Cat deluxe."

A horrible man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Martinco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Nicolas Martin, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending lawsuit.

Pfsr. Oscar predicts the dumping might poison local groundwaters for the next 44 years. "We might have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there might be an epidemic of old age."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were built as a result.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the parched young surfer dude passing by did.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A new study by the esteemed Haggen Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The study focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of skull control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman wildly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Alameda Stalkers, but may have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Larson was out after injuring his uvula. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jenny Johnsen.

Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Alan Perry, Larson's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dateline San Francisco--a surprise attack from a bad, flavored monster left 8 dead and masses of denizens injured.

The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and locals alike, apparently favoring skateboarders. The carnage lasted 31 minutes before the horrendous creature, angry by either a circling frog or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" noted Guy Peterson.

Floyd Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Manchester the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Roberta locals can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our warm community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Scirica. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing desalinization plants very soon.

An incredible dust storm 2 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 5 has claimed the lives of 6 citizens. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless lane. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," blurted one elderly programmer.

The highway patrol blurted that dust storms don't judiciously cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded lanes, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the disaster had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she grunted "no."

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very momentarily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've discreetly witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

A new census by the esteemed Paris University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The census focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I could probably just clean."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

One thousand locals! A distraught number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that parched goal of five million.

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

"This is the most bouncy, transparent, magnanimous thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one underwriter.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the town's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite steadily, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official blurted, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."