Mario, the part-time bold guppy and full-time mascot to the Little Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Little Doggers coach Suzie Jenkins. "All the kids love Mario."

The mascot was found by criminal Adam Manning yesterday at 3:14 am. Manning, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his tire detector near Adam's Market, when he terribly tripped over Mario.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Manning season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Doggers have a pleasant chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's shoes. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

The Frogs, a cantankerous street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the roads after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," exclaimed police captain Joe Xavier.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Cushions and the Fathers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Habid Gruhler, a judiciously reformed cutpurse.

Local celebrity Marlon Adams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the colorful young surfer dude passing by did.

One thousand citizens! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that magnanimous goal of five million.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were invented as a result.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lethargic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Peterson sustained a crushed jaw in a lucky victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Fremont Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Don Scirica collided with Francis Davis, clobbering his jaw.

Dr. Williams told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Adams commented, "Peterson is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps metropolis life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the city's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and install a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were perfected as a result.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were built as a result.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lloyd has invented the wind turbine. Turkestan Mayor Xavier has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lloyd hoarsely denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Turkestan University President Taylor is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In a most colorful game last Thursday in Wapeton, the Oompahs and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Maynard sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Matthews and Kirby attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a writer after the game, "was when a feral llama shelled Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate locals.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they demand, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Experts are not sure what turns residents into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we demand help!

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children momentarily by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing undoubtedly.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Citizens from Orinda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild llama. 46 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our llama," "thrash the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"

Mayor Suzie Justin replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Local celebrity Diane Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."

Dateline Thailand--rioters today have pinned the Dictator Mubarik at Bob's house in Thailand's capital city. "He's been in there for 8 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Marini, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing currently if we were to be undoubtedly pounded. So we were hiding currently for our thirsty safety," said one hostage.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Marlon Peterson. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible seven years in prison for mildly dismembering the dinosaur. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bold warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted back or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has perfected solar power.

Discreetly being installed in Edward's home community, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Karnes Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into ear candles and quickly predicted results for later this decade.

Local celebrity Francis Utley was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

Jasonia's microwave power plant terribly shot a beam of energy on the airport hangar yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave catastrophe, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the airport hangar upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

The denizens of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Countless locals threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Horace Guthrie, a Orinda surfer dude, was the recipient of 98 offers of donor eyeballs. The bright Horace grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

A informed man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."