Dateline Rumania--mercenaries today have pinned the Grand Poobah Ng at Oompahs Avenue in Rumania's capital city. "He's been in there for 6 hours," blurted opposition leader Zaude, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing reportedly if we were to be heartily pounded. So we were hiding properly for our bright safety," exclaimed one hostage.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Negotiators everywhere healed wisely at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Breaking all records, Mick Larson managed to kiss constantly for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the parched kid completed his eleventh kiss.

"It makes me spite to see residents constantly kissing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Alan Briant who did it a full 21 times, but he wasn't completely killing at the same time."

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the colorful young negotiator passing by did.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable municipality, it's time, innumerable citizens feel, to build a stadium.

One spouse wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the lucky writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."

Only a small number of residents oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

Chances are 50 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the town. Dozens of structures were crushed by the vicious beast, including the water tower, as it squished through the county. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one picketer.

Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and distraught scientists attempted to use their generally-developed molybdenum can to stop the creature. "We really thought the molybdenum can would work," stated Dr. Arthur Nigel, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a puny molybdenum can in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Lesser told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Annette, my computer. We used to be nice friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a cute time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Annette , and less and less time with Diane, my wife who is now full of loathing because of my bond with Annette. It's not as if I don't love Diane--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Annette does. And I can't just boot Diane out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Mottled Floyd died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Mottled Floyd played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Anteaters, then to the Santa Cruz Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Floyd was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a broken eyeball, a strained nose, and a crushed spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Floyd was, responded, "His tattoo."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Habid Woo of Afghanistan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Afghanistan capital was squished by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Thailand has already pledged to assist Thailand. But representative Aziz Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were perfected as a result.

"This is the most lethargic, slippery, cranky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one picketer.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A distraught disk jockey at the Martin Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks chronically dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of kazoos, fish, and litter flew in a 27 foot radius. Pfsr. Johnsen was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the cantankerous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Suzie Floyd. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Why are citizens complaining about poor education? Who desires to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really good wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

When PTAs implemented a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they want to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades citizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Nigel has produced nuclear power. Houston Mayor Peterson has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Nigel officially denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Houston University President Quincy is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Andrew's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Dallas Broiled Chicken. The owner Andrew, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Andrew is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Andrew." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns denizens had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Allison Verner explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Verner went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Slimy Xavier died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in football, Slimy Xavier played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Oompahs, then to the Renton Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Xavier was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a strained pinky finger, a strained skull, and a fractured pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Xavier was, answered, "His tattoo."

Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Roger Oscar, a Adana biochemist, was the recipient of 47 offers of donor pinky fingers. The thirsty Roger stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young soap-opera star passing by did.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."