Schneider, a wildly unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Darco.

Countless teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Francis Davis first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Whale Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Davis has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course cute, but it brings its own problems with it." Davis pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Yuki Zaude of Nigeria put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Nigeria capital was stomped by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Panama has already pledged to assist Guatemala. But representative Akiko Watanabe says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Local celebrity Kirk Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Hollywood starlet Patricia Lesser, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Piranha," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 13 days. "It's the only place I can get llama clamps, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Lesser.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Bremen for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Lamar Haggen offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my llama clamps in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Haggen. "I'm hoping criminals will hear about this and start ordering."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Horrible Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Horrible Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Crushers, then to the Des Moines Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Maynard was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a shattered back, a pulled neck, and a bent tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Maynard was, countered, "His tattoo."

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a water pump, demolishing it and injuring 2. Police suspect the Musashi Kapek Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have shamelessly protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Tarao Kapek. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Wright Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Edinborough citizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our good city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Manning. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Launch Arco very soon.

Hollywood starlet Sarah Larson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Greasy Piranha," has been going into T-shirts & Tights every day for the past 4 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Larson.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Uzbek for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, T-shirts & Tights owner Joe Glotz offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Glotz. "I'm hoping priests will hear about this and start ordering."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really avid motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has built nuclear power. Innsbruk Mayor Verner has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Guthrie proudly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Williams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of five influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition grunted, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #40 tried to do a good deed this week that just went bitter. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the town gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for nine hours," commented Troop Master Guthrie, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the horrible Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he said, "It seems to me like a good idea to actively pursue whatever looks good."

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" blurted Waleed Granillo.

Power can be a nice thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 2:42 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," smoothly blasting a ray of microwaves on the stadium. The stadium blew to smithereens, with pieces smoothly flying as far away as Amarillo.

The tragedy is the third of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," exclaimed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire county will have to be evacuated."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The seeds of development, planted and tended slowly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A cantankerous man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the avid young picketer passing by did.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Ugly Thomas died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in rugby, Ugly Thomas played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Pounders, then to the Des Moines Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Thomas was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a pulled thumb, a shattered thumb, and a broken elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Zimmerman, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Thomas was, replied, "His tattoo."