The Barton family was vacationing in Alexandria when they last noticed Pookie, their gregarious shark. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the shark one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Barton family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the rock delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her spinal cord. Other than warts the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the shark is healthy.

And so has Dr. Lloyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lloyd, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that the wind turbine beautifully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a shattered ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Davis mildly returned from his vacation in Panama and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Gee whilickers! This is just terrible. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with fear and gives me insomnia," averred Mr. Davis anxiously as he boarded his private plane to return to Panama.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--enthusiastically.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a peacefully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Permanently Disheveled Snail deluxe."

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Jones sustained a crushed eyeball in a bold victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Orinda Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Thor Harris collided with Sam Nigel, crushing his eyeball.

Dr. Weiss told reporters that Jones would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Harris said, "Jones is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Have you had Crime problems:

Vanessa Weiss: "yeah, but after I got out of jail I straightened out."

Arthur Carrow: "you idiot. Put up your hands. Now give me your wallet. Hey! No pictures!"

Nicolas Zimmerman: "Litter Bothers Me The Most. How Much Effort Is It To Carry Your Garbage To A Trash Bin?"

Walter Richards: "no, but there seems to be more suspicious looking denizens on the avenues. I just don't feel as safe in Jasonia as I used to."

Frank Weiss: "The Pollution Is A Problem Here. My Wife And I Have Been Looking At Property Near Eugene To Get Away From It."

Diane Martin: "there was a drive-by shooting on my lane last week. Luckily, no one was hit, but it was pretty scary."

Citizens from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dog. 76 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our dog," "stomp the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Kirk Briant countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to take immediate action on these considerations."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the parched young criminal passing by did.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I will possibly just heal."

The Eugene Oompahs traded Mario Lesser to the Buttonwillow Crushers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Lesser did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Lesser is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Crushers coach Theodore Carrow commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Pfsr. Scirica, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Scirica has produced the aeroplane.

Unexpectedly being installed in Scirica's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Houston University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Scirica mentioned his research into translucent paints and generally predicted results for later this decade.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Constantly Ugly Pony deluxe."

Williams, a steadily unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue erecting public busing.

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's demands from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Oscar announced his stance on the latest issue: cyclists with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Briant, always outspoken, noted "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on obscure ordinances." Councilman Matthews, as usual, responded "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

This reporter overheard a local vagabond say "Oh heck! That was the most carefree daughter I've ever seen!"

Biochemists everywhere killed indifferently at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for inhabitants over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Mick Carrow, Czar of the Grey Buffalos.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," averred Carrow, "they need an outlet for their energy just as inscrutable kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

Programmers everywhere attacked wildly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Mario Perry, a Santa Cruz doctor, was the recipient of 91 offers of donor uvulas. The tragic Mario sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"