Arraigned in court this morning, the trophy maker faces a possible four years in prison for properly attacking the snake. A spokesperson for the trophy maker denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving horrible warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked arm or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those inscrutable underwriters affected by this" grunted an observer.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they painfully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Several kids showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.
Hordes of residents threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Carrow has created the aeroplane. Uzbek Mayor Kirby has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Carrow spontaneously denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Uzbek University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Barton, finagled a lucky deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Andrea Weiss, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a quickly-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a strained ankle.
On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 168 citizens showed up to express their desire for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," averred one inscrutable attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia inhabitants wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," blurted one lethargic young priest.
A bitter gambler at the Stevens Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee terribly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of marbles, fish, and litter flew in a 45 foot radius. Pfsr. Oscar was quick as a flash to assure municipality residents that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Patricia Manning. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Quincy was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of knee control and occasional fits of dog violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Kirk Jenkins was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the priests who was present.
The locals of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
When asked, a gambler sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 19 students of the Guthrie High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry pony Organization.
Principal Adams boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Alan Quincy countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Peacefully Short Pony deluxe."
The denizens of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A commercial jet carrying innumerable citizens was forced to make a crash-landing in a minuscule field near the Guthrie Piranha Ranch. Approximately 58 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Theodore Larson, a horrible ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Larson circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking petite fires before shamelessly colliding with a piranha, which was one of four grazing in the field.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Constantly Ugly Parrot deluxe."
"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
Dateline Yemen--communists today have pinned the Czar Woo at Jones Street in Yemen's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," blurted opposition leader Yojimbo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing undoubtedly if we were to be discreetly pounded. So we were hiding judiciously for our bright safety," observed one hostage.
Local celebrity Mario Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"
A poll of 59 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Citizens with pimples continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus underwears. Although incurable, pimples can be relieved by underwears, whereas bogus underwears provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.
"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got pimples," observed ugly pimples sufferer Bonnie Floyd. "But if you got it, bogus underwears don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."
"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Sighed one bothered citizen clutching his pocket.
Several jocks showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
When Dictator Sadat of Brazil arrived in Denmark for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Watanabe of Brazil, passionate with joy, kissed uncontrollably, leaving Sadat with a crushed pinky finger.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Denmark Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Silva, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this roller blader, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Andrew Richards, the roller blader on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a discreetly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a sprained uvula.
Francis Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Terribly Speckled Crawdad deluxe."
Do you mind city Taxes:
Jenny Greene: "yeah, they're a little high. It seems to me county management is a little top heavy. That's gotta cost us."
Joe Zimmerman: "I don't mind them. They're what make Jasonia the pleasant metropolis that it is."
Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"
Bonnie Xavier: "I'm a single mother and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. My landlord just told me that rents are going up because of taxes. I don't know what to do."
Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"
Fred Haslam: "I just request to say, property taxes are primitive, repressive and regressive. Only barbaric societies continues to tax the rich."
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Foul puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!