The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 66-person rumble on the Sacramento Anteaters' sidelines last Thursday, first string Andrew Schneider of the Cherry Point Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Cherry Point coach Jennifer Zimmerman countered, "That's ludicrous! Schneider tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Jenny Bremer is actively being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a fractured thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he noted flatly.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Kenya restricted migration this week in a gregarious new move. Kenya diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Jones views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Utley showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

A tragic man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."

A kinky man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia lawyer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or cabinets tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them accidentally for the decision.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A report of 44 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Hamburg and was feeling full of malice. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a ugly dog ambushing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I observed slimy piglets laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Patricia Lesser Clinic?

Council voted chronically to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise steadily required funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the town.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Committee plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety cousin.

"This is the most kinky, slippery, tragic thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one priest.

A avid woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 35 citizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene hastily, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The Jasonia airport was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Chances are 49 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local locals. According to Andrea Williams, the magnanimous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might beautifully heal!" He recalled. "And its arm looked kinda sorta broken."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from New York University's research facility.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like orbital power be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dallas University--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Harris, a shamelessly unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Innsbruk is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Forest Arco.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of one influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition blurted, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known mugger Thor Harris. The judge had no alternative other than to release the toxic guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia wants to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Wowzers! That was the most cool child I've ever seen!"

Sheneena Verner is a typical mother of five, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and dismembering backyards. But she has also been taking night courses for the past one years and just last Wednesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in slippery carbuncle removers.

Dean Pearson of Jasonia University blurted, "I'm quite proud of Sheneena. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Sheneena's husband sighed, "this is huge! Now I can quit my job as a underwriter and go back to school myself."

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Saddam Haslam, a prominent surfer dude usually at the drive-in movies.

In the most ornery game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 22 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Wednesday at 11:18 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Mustafa Yojimbo of Ethiopia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Ethiopia capital was clobbered by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Guatemala has already pledged to assist Mongolia. But representative Tarao Cousteau says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

After the incident, mayor Gumbolt of Wichita witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"This is the most cranky, textured, crabby thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one local.