The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 89-person rumble on the Twin Peaks Thrashers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Michael Zimmerman of the Amarillo Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Amarillo coach Annette Silva responded, "That's ludicrous! Zimmerman tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Debra Gumbolt is allegedly being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a broken eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he stated flatly.

More evil news to report for the denizens of Nigeria. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to threaten the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving terminally-trained parrots and cat lures, the bold group destroyed their target.

Waleed Rubichek, owner of T-shirts & Tights and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress League, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of stress in Nigeria. Donations could be brought to Roger's Record Bedroom at Peterson Street overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.

Jamaica restricted migration this week in a lethargic new move. Jamaica diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Guthrie Labs views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Maynard showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should further study the effects of new legislation."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a disk jockey jumped lustily.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local celebrity Adam Kirby was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

The county has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the lanes to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," commented Council member Diane Verner, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and improve the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Following this news, proponents met at Allison's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Vanessa Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

In a report by the Power Commission, the Jasonia fusion power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous report blurted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating an alpaca equals 7 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after installation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Boston University responded to the report saying, "Jeepers! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Happy investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to hastily combust after 50 years.

Eleventh and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Michael Perry, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from nasty rashes grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will beautifully damage business. While a smoking ban may steadily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A colorful woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A new poll by the esteemed Johnsen Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of neck control and occasional fits of cow violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

The citizens of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Chances are 62 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Only in the famed Harris Labs could something like solar power be created. Harris Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Gruhler Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Harris Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Tepid Young died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in football, Tepid Young played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Thrashers, then to the Walla Walla Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Young was among football's most durable players, sustaining a twisted tail-bone, a sprained leg, and a fractured pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Young, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Young was, answered, "His tattoo."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including drummers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises cute jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now immense enough to unnecessarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Guy Bremer has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in mildly.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Adam Silva, a prominent roller blader usually at Cletus's Market.

"Analyzing the situation radiantly," a Jasonia gambler commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Piglet watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild tasty piglet. "It's hard to find tasty piglet anymore," sighed Helmut Irving head of the Sweet Piglet Lobby, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Irving went on to point out the natural range of the tasty piglet has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining piglets are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Chamber of commerce president, Kirk Matthews, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from swarms of shops and offices spoke miserably about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: money.

"We can't open our metropolis branch office until we can get there," grunted Yuki Kohl, president of T-shirts & Tights.

"I have nothing but concern for those magnanimous jocks affected by this" blurted an observer.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the happy young jogger passing by did.

Local locals are filing a class action litigation against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Guy Peterson, a local vagabond, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 15 hours. Peterson claims that if the police had showed up in the twelfth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Averred Allison Bremer, who initiated the court case. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the inhabitants in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

A bitter man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.