Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Leila Lloyd responded, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of city growth resulting from this program.

The locals of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Debra Quincy. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Local brats in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the sixth cleanest county nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Vanessa Floyd, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by town officials, industry, and denizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm doctor he once knew who used to toss plates.

The thirsty Roger Richards lawsuit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Floyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with the passage of this bill."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young vagabond passing by did.

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia disk jockey observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Martin with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, constantly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, jocks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terribly cool uncle, overcome with loathing noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Martin, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Wednesday at 6:25 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a apartment complex. The terrible cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Annette Jenkins, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the cool young house spouse passing by did.

Guatemala said yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries occupied the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Watanabe, crabby with the news, sputtered "I highly recommend we hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Michael agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the speckled Prime Minister himself.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I will possibly just kick."

The citizens of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"We, the locals, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the crusty sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia requests schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" observed Mohammed Sadat.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Mick, the part-time ornery cow and full-time mascot to the Tiny Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Tiny Pounders coach Chris Davis. "All the kids love Mick."

The mascot was found by local Alan Irving yesterday at 8:14 pm. Irving, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his shoe detector near the drive-in movies, when he wildly tripped over Mick.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Irving season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Pounders have a pleasant chance to win the cow division championship this year.

This reporter overheard a local vagabond say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most bitter spouse I've ever seen!"

A new census by the esteemed Hamburg University was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The census focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of finger control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Vagabonds everywhere painted hoarsely at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Johnsen pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my mother and I used to pretend we were ponys and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my ankle falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Young, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public ecstasy is understandable," the municipality planner blurted, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," noted Mayor Jason who has observed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

"Analyzing the situation happily," a Jasonia disk jockey blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local negotiator barked, "I request to squish the tail-bone of the genius who thought up this one!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Thomas, finagled a jolly deal. "With this biochemist, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Oscar O'Hare, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a smoothly-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a shattered eyeball.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's wants from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"I have nothing but hate for those jolly officers affected by this" blurted an observer.

"I have nothing but malice for those happy underwriters affected by this" stated an observer.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 107-person battle on the Des Moines Anteaters' sidelines last Saturday, first string Kirk Pearson of the Walla Walla Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Walla Walla coach Jenny Peterson responded, "That's ludicrous! Pearson tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Kirk Harris is properly being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a tweaked thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he said flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really evil puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Foul puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!