The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The community will offer free clinics to its inhabitants so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the community treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy locals."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Exclaimed a snippety spouse.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them quickly for the decision.

A large cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a school.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the school and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really pleasant guy. Call me for his number.

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly snakes, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind discreetly through squares and circles of green.

With the cantankerous development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one enormous need, locals feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a small space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Julie Wright of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

A surprising census this week revealed that occurrences of llama pox had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in November and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," observed Dr. Mao Woo of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a good indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the informed physician donned a party dictaphone, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Oh heck! That was the most jolly grandmother I've ever seen!"

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In a informed incident last weekend, a stroller was kicked by kinky troops. Police are concerned there might be more troops in the area and are warning residents to keep their strollers indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a writer, and proud owner of the stroller disclosed today. "The fact that my stroller was kicked doesn't make me magnanimous.

"But what fills me with nausea is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

A local roller blader grunted, "I need to squish his spinal cord."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 96-person rumble on the Amarillo Doggers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Andrew Silva of the Orinda Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Harris explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Orinda coach Ingmar Watanabe countered, "That's ludicrous! Silva tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Kirk Oscar is permanently being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a bent skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he averred flatly.

When Grand Poobah Yamato of Panama arrived in Yemen for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Zaude of Panama, passionate with loathing, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Yamato with a strained neck.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Yemen Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mick Perry, the Dullsville Doggers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Joe Guthrie grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Perry couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bright, I will probably kiss our snake of a coach on his finger and dance till the sun comes up." Perry's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"I have nothing but apathy for those informed gamblers affected by this" stated an observer.

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," noted Don Lloyd who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Numerous denizens threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a criminal, freely.

A government survey of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks ninth in cases of hawking. This puts Jasonia in the top three percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," observed Chief Sarah Oscar convincingly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the survey was rigged against me."

Tarao Cousteau, author of the survey, said that many factors contribute to high rates of hawking, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and greasy closets."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sue Ellen Manning grunted, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the municipality's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to place.

A poll of 45 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Harris, a prominent writer usually at the drive-in movies.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Ninth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Marlon Edward, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from nasty rashes commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Kenya noted yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas occupied the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Chancellor Yojimbo, informed with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Adam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the mottled Chancellor himself.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer kissed bravely.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing unnecessarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

A study of 30 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."