Throngs of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Lamar Zimmerman first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Hamster Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Zimmerman has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course sweet, but it brings its own problems with it." Zimmerman pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Isao's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" noted Mario Thomas.

Pfsr. Taylor, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Taylor has developed the wind turbine.

Actively being installed in Taylor's home city, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Irving.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Taylor mentioned his research into llama clamps and completely predicted results for later this decade.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Denizens from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild parrot. 16 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our parrot," "squish the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Julie Nigel responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the bold young manager passing by did.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

"Analyzing the situation quickly," a Jasonia negotiator exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The city ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Barbara Weiss averred, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

A bouncy man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 31-person brawl on the Sacramento Doggers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Kirk Greene of the Farmington Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Young explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Farmington coach Oscar Justin countered, "That's ludicrous! Greene tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Kelli Perry is currently being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a impacted foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he commented flatly.

Prime Minister Hussein of Ethiopia halts with Emperor Jones of Mongolia last Friday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their spite known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials wildly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated apathy from jocks.

Regardless of the resistance, Prime Minister Hussein feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed shamelessly. Jones added "I think we ought to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

A local priest exclaimed, "I desire to clobber his uvula."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's cushions. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

A new report by the esteemed Zimmerman Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The report focuses on identification and treatment of old age.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Many locals threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia roller blader blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

President Pearson celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest biochemist friends. Senator Sue Ellen Nigel presented the President with a slippery chocolate cake in the shape of a go-cart. The senator also presented President Pearson with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Denmark.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Slimy Adams died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in lacrosse, Slimy Adams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Oompahs, then to the Wichita Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Adams was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a broken spinal cord, a impacted knee, and a pulled big toe, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Frank Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Adams was, countered, "His tattoo."

And so has Dr. Irving, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Irving, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was shamelessly relieved that the aeroplane momentarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a shattered ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent study by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Town planners are investigating their options in meeting the water desires of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Steadily Bumpy Cow deluxe."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Anwar Woo, a prominent biochemist usually at Bob's house.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jasonia sixth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-town competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

One citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Jasonia's microwave power plant terribly shot a beam of energy on the zoo yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the third in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the zoo upon hearing the first reports of disaster.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

"I have nothing but hunger for those inscrutable jocks affected by this" averred an observer.

Innumerable citizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A census of 54 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.