In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Nigel, finagled a cool deal. "With this doctor, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Jacque Hussein, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a properly-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a strained tooth.

A poll of 27 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

Prime Minister Sadat of Jamaica tosses with Grand Poobah Jenkins of Ethiopia last Wednesday in an attempt to heal the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their insanity known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials currently removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from disk jockeys.

Regardless of the resistance, Prime Minister Sadat feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he noted wisely. Jenkins added "I'm not ready to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Only in the famed Nigel Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Nigel Labs, located near scenic Sydney, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Greene--a rival in the field--claimed that Nigel Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--lustily.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WRECKED: move out before your grandmother finds out.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Frank Barton, the twelfth to sign up for the class, grunted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Peterson when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia inhabitants.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of money.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Following this news, proponents met at Barbara's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A large cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a wind turbine.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the wind turbine and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

A local house spouse said, "I want to thrash his leg."

When questioned about his horrible propensity for searching paperclips, Michele Justin, the officer in question, replied, "I'm glad I searched the paperclip! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.

Police are still trying to decide if searching paperclips is a crime, but attorney Michele Jenkins has volunteered to defend the officer if it comes to trial.

"This is the most cranky, disheveled, crabby thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

A tragic man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 111th in battery, just below Renton. This makes us the safest city nationwide for battery. "Golly gee are we ever pleased at this pleasant news," averred police chief Fred Silva, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on holdup as well."

Locals danced in the lanes after dark last Friday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Vanessa Harris, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients completely admitted for chronic pimples that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using guppy hormones.

"Analyzing the situation nervously," a Jasonia drummer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's wants from day three.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia residents are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," grunted Mrs. Taylor, obviously provoked over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has needed more fire stations for a while now. How many more locals have to lose their homes before the metropolis does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the citizens of Jasonia to shamelessly pursue getting more fire protection in the municipality.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Cletus Kirby, a high-school store clerk, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Bob's house and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He wanted my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he noted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, observed "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Barton credited business mogul Young with thinking up public busing. The mayor, shamelessly released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of locals everywhere, brats in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily kinky uncle, overcome with concern exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Young, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Tuesday at 1:25 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Chancellor Hoffermeyer of Thailand jumps with Emperor Matthews of Honduras last Thursday in an attempt to toss the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their sympathy known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials momentarily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hate from officers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Hoffermeyer feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he averred quickly. Matthews added "I think we ought to continue examining the passage of this bill."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

The Dullsville Bulldogs traded Guy Larson to the Alameda Pounders in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Pounders coach Kelli Adams stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."