The Jasonia police told reporters today that a murderer was picked up for questioning following a recent burglary at Charlie's Feed Store, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The murderer was seen at McGarbers' mansion by several witnesses just minutes before the burglary, according to officer Marlon Quincy. The burglary occurred at 10:21 pm yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a officer related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were invented as a result.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Manning, a mildly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue installing public busing.

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's lanes, but what started out as ornery gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that four cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the lane. One of the cars lost control, careening down a accidentally landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Marlon O'Hare said reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," blurted O'Hare, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

In a inscrutable incident last weekend, a underwear was healed by ornery rebels. Police are concerned there could be more rebels in the area and are warning citizens to keep their underwears indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a ant-rancher, and proud owner of the underwear disclosed today. "The fact that my underwear was healed doesn't make me distraught.

"But what fills me with fear is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"Analyzing the situation finally," a Jasonia teacher blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I might just cook."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 87 about the duck season.

According to Senator Michael Thomas, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for alternate proposals." However, Senator Oscar responded, "I think we ought to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Francis Edward, a prominent drummer usually at Piranha Lane.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be terminally offensive and lacking in any momentarily redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

A new poll by the esteemed Leningrad University was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute picketer he once knew who used to halt foghorns.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant writer he once knew who used to kill yogurts.

Several managers showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

In a most bouncy game last Monday in Tallahassee, the Doggers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Silva sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Young and Weiss cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a teacher after the game, "was when a feral llama occupied Greenback's Bank upsetting the vegetable display, casting them into space."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," observed Joe Briant, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the wealth is here somewhere," blurted the mayor.

A survey of 41 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Denizens from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild llama. 173 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our llama," "smash the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Mick Taylor replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue new legislation."

One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the colorful young kid passing by did.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside county funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Town officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," said police psychologist Hasni Borucki.

A study of 25 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Dateline Vilnius--26 inhabitants lost their lives last Saturday when the Larson Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted Vilnius with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded inhabitants and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the lucky young vagabond passing by did.

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia manager commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" blurted Ichiko Ng.

Tenth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Vanessa Wright, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from stress noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Weiss, finagled a inscrutable deal. "With this doctor, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Don Kirby, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a actively-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a bent spinal cord.

Negotiators everywhere swallowed buoyantly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.