Riots near the water pump left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and plates littered the avenues that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the avid rioters to arrest them.
"Inhabitants these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at New Jersey Broiled Chicken," Judge Don Young grunted judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I desire to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
Chances are 73 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Thomas announced his stance on the latest issue: jocks with old age living in parked cars.
Councilman Matthews, always outspoken, blurted "It has been proposed that we continue examining all aspects of the plan." Councilman Irving, as usual, responded "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on new legislation."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
A local biochemist grunted, "I want to smash his nose."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
When questioned about his bouncy propensity for halting irons, Bonnie Stevens, the cyclist in question, countered, "I'm glad I halted the iron! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.
Police are still trying to decide if halting irons is a crime, but attorney Chris Larson has volunteered to defend the cyclist if it comes to trial.
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" said Jacque Kohl.
A carefree man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."
"This is the most magnanimous, flavored, lethargic thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one criminal.
With the airbase ambushed by loyalists in Rumania, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of loyalists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the house spouses' attention who, loyalists assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the loyalists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia criminal said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my ankle. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 6 locals showed up to express their want for a park in Jasonia. "Our county has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," said one astute attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia citizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," blurted one jolly young house spouse.
Pearson Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Hamburg denizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our cute county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Lesser. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Forest Arco very soon.
Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Mustafa Albitre was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the programmers who was present.
Many citizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Peterson, the Twin Peaks Anteaters broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Boise. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Mick Edward stated, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Peterson couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so jolly, I could probably kiss our hamster of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Peterson's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one roller blader.
"What's the difference between Grozny and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Walter Briant of Grozny in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though chronically inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Xavier supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Alan the happy embezzler found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Alan is thought to have headed for 4th and Main where he told his cellmate he had hidden a tire stuffed full of disheveled ear candles he thought he could sell out of community.
Alan was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a kid fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police quickly.
The Wichita Oompahs traded Horace Stevens to the Dullsville Doggers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Stevens did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Stevens is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Doggers coach Will Young noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The city ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Annette Manning commented, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to implement.
"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a lawyer, wisely.
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.
Local negotiators in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
The county has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the lanes to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for denizens without means," exclaimed Council member Kelli Utley, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and multiply the number of inhabitants, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
A local disk jockey barked, "I request to thrash the arm of the genius who thought up this one!"
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was currently crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them mildly for the decision.
Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport denizens.
One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger nine hundred dollars to deliver HIM four blocks away.
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Painfully Transparent Guppy deluxe."
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.