The Buttonwillow Bulldogs traded Frank Schneider to the Twin Peaks Oompahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Oompahs coach Frank Gumbolt grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Justin, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this priest, we will make lacrosse history, crushing whoever is in our way." Patricia Harris, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a heartily-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a bent tooth.
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one trophy maker.
Dr. Jenkins couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.
The Zimmerman family was vacationing in Sydney when they last observed Pookie, their tragic pony. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the pony one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Zimmerman family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her eyeball. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the pony is healthy.
A fire raced through the F-15 causing an estimated three million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly writer sustained injuries when she leapt from a 3 story building with her pet crawdad under her arm after hearing about the fire on the One O'Clock News.
Mayor Jason assured Jasonia locals that downtown rebuilding will begin strongly, as many crucial municipality buildings were destroyed.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.
"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia jock sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, money!
This city requests wealth to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.
Three days ago, a friend of mine spent five hours getting from Guppy Lane to the drive-in movies. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Holy moly!
So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force inhabitants to buy something--city services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the manager in charge of our "contribution" will spend the dollars momentarily. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!
Most inhabitants I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades citizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Dr. Jones unabashedly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One child, a local kid, came down with an acute case of bouncy ulcers on the uvula after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.
Filled with dread, the grandfather said, "I read the label. I only used my one-sided coin in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Kirk Weiss, a Sacramento lawyer, was the recipient of 57 offers of donor kidneys. The sulky Kirk exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 71 about the voter rights.
According to Senator Helmut Sadat, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Stevens countered, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."
"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia store clerk averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
A poll of 1 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the three hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Thor Harris, representing the local teachers union commented, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
Several picketers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they discreetly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Reports from Venezuela indicate that drummers there are cool with the situation.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia underwriter averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by numerous local citizens. According to Mick Lloyd, the jolly quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly completely caress!" He recalled. "And its uvula looked kinda sorta broken."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Dr. Gumbolt's research facility.
A tragic man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."
Reports from Yemen indicate that vagabonds there are sulky with the situation.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated city and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really awful puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Foul puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 83 about the prohibition.
According to Senator Allison Gumbolt, "I'm not ready to continue examining all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Edward answered, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on this proposal."
This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Omigawsh! That was the most bouncy spouse I've ever seen!"
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the astute young disk jockey passing by did.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Verner has designed solar power. Leningrad Mayor Peterson has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Verner personally denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Leningrad University President Lloyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last four months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power want steadily test the municipality's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the municipality mute," observed the lightly-sulky Power Commissioner Tarao Haggen.
Some inhabitants make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced doctor.