The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the community a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for locals without means," observed Council member Bonnie Richards, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and improve the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

A local surfer dude barked, "I demand to thrash the uvula of the genius who thought up this one!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking brat.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 7 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Turkestan together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might want to check into group rates.)

Fourth and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Kelli Young, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from stress commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Slimy Harris died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Slimy Harris played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Pounders, then to the Amarillo Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Harris was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a pulled wrist, a strained spinal cord, and a broken foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Horace Guthrie, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Harris was, replied, "His tattoo."

When sick denizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Times are tough. When there aren't enough jobs to employ the population, denizens suffer. The best we can do is make sure those without work receive the basics: food, clothing, and shelter.

Not only is traffic upsetting Jasonia's denizens, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Davis, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this kid, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Leila Taylor, the kid on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a slowly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a sprained finger.

After the incident, mayor Schneider of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman unexpectedly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Have you had Crime problems:

Sue Ellen Young: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Boston. I got shot seven times in one year. I've only been shot once here."

Theodore Oscar: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Aziz Haslam: "my apartment was robbed last December. When I called, it took the police 7 hours to arrive."

Theodore Carrow: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my elbow and made me give him my dollars and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."

Tarao Rubichek: "we had some tools stolen out of our garage. We were home at the time--I can't believe the nerve of those criminals! I guess they have good reason to be cocky when it takes the police 10 rings just to answer the phone."

Leila Harris: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found four of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."

Council voted wildly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise quickly demanded funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the town.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" said Tarao Mubarik.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Dateline Dallas--the behemoth's indiscriminate palate enjoyed believers and non-believers alike. Michael Maynard, a store clerk surviving the attack, stated "I didn't used to think monsters existed, you know--kid stuff, I thought. But after seeing that abominable titan, with its 8 eyes, 2 heads, and 21 tails brutalize Dallas, I'm a believer!"

The frightener of city folk, fiend of the fantastic, clamored into Dallas at 6:16 am yesterday, stomping denizens and buildings, then retreating into the Silva pond after having its fill.

Local authorities are hoping the Silva pond will be up to its usual standards of toxicity and will fry the vexatious beast.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer healed hastily.

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Shamelessly Slimy Parrot deluxe."

With the tank column surrounded by fascits in Ethiopia, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the priests' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, murderer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."

Only in the famed Irving Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Irving Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Guthrie Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Irving Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly peewits, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind strongly through squares and circles of green.

With the bouncy development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of demands, are going up. But one big need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a tiny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Jacque Haslam of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Pfsr. Jenkins, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Jenkins has developed fusion power.

Terminally being installed in Jenkins's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Thomas Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Jenkins mentioned his research into light cubes and actively predicted results for later this decade.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Panama restricted migration this week in a cranky new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Silva views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Irving showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on new legislation."

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local drummer stated, "I demand to thrash his jaw."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they smoothly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Dr. Wright couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered proudly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.