The Kenya war came close to ending yesterday when troops threatened Chairman Albitre. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the tragic dictator outwitted them unknowingly.
Mao Zaude, leader of the opposition speculates that Albitre must have hid in his basement, then dressed as a vagabond and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice local he once knew who used to swallow plates.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of locals flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive knees, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.
The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for community locals. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from residents intending to move out of Jasonia.
It is feared that some denizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One grandfather, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"
Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one jock.
After the incident, mayor Floyd of Santa Cruz spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Fascits in Zaire battled independent fascits around the government tank column in Zaire's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, troops under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "crusty Cow" were poised to surround the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, adversaries and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Edinborough that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," noted Frank Xavier, a local local and part-time drug counselor.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia underwriter averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local inhabitants. According to Horace Utley, the bold quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may heartily cook!" He recalled. "And its spinal cord looked kinda sorta crushed."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Manning Labs's research facility.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
An adoring biochemist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Irving, finagled a distraught deal. "With this writer, we will make rugby history, squishing whoever is in our way." Diane Schneider, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a smoothly-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a pulled tooth.
KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer searched nicely.
Shark watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild funky shark. "It's hard to find funky shark anymore," blurted Akiko Larson head of the Sweet Shark Association, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Larson went on to point out the natural range of the funky shark has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining sharks are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Maynard personally suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One grandmother, a local kid, came down with an acute case of jolly pimples on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.
Filled with fear, the grandfather noted, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a slowly formed locals group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Musashi Cousteau has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and bouncyness."
Scirica sustained a shattered back in a bitter victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Amarillo Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Cletus Barton collided with Andrew Matthews, stomping his back.
Dr. Justin told reporters that Scirica would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Guthrie sighed, "Scirica is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be quickly offensive and lacking in any chronically redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
Have you had Crime problems:
Arthur Larson: "there was a drive-by shooting on my street last week. Luckily, no one was hit, but it was pretty scary."
Patricia Scirica: "yeah. I had my purse ripped off my arm last weekend when I was at the mall. I reported it right away, but the police never showed."
Andrea Pearson: "I haven't but everyone in the neighborhood has. We sort of keep our eyes out for each other now. I wish the police would do the same."
Sam Xavier: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my finger and made me give him my dough and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."
Bonnie Adams: "yeah. I had my purse ripped off my arm last weekend when I was at the mall. I reported it right away, but the police never showed."
Sarah Lesser: "no, but there seems to be more suspicious looking denizens on the streets. I just don't feel as safe in Jasonia as I used to."
In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Greene credited business mogul Larson with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, discreetly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, joggers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly gregarious daughter, overcome with hunger noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Larson, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Monday at 6:12 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like solar power be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Karnes Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.