Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be beautifully offensive and lacking in any terribly redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

The Manning High School gym will temporarily house the municipality's multitudes of homeless denizens. Concerned over corrosive weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several locals volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"It seems to me like a good idea to cease investigating permanent shelters," said cagily councilman Irving.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"What's the difference between Sydney and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Frank Wright of Sydney in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though permanently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Utley supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The lane will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and writers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be petite.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the road while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from nine of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring avenues.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that kids there are thirsty with the situation.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

County energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer sighed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"I have nothing but dread for those lethargic picketers affected by this" said an observer.

"I have nothing but malice for those colorful picketers affected by this" observed an observer.

Manny, the part-time crabby snake and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Minuscule Oompahs coach Musashi Zaude. "All the kids love Manny."

The mascot was found by programmer Mario Carrow yesterday at 9:43 pm. Carrow, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his bicycle detector near Snake Lane, when he smoothly tripped over Manny.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Carrow season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Oompahs have a good chance to win the snake division championship this year.

A study of 53 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Adams, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this programmer, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Nicolas Irving, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a chronically-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a crushed knee.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 97 students of the Adams High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry snake Organization.

Principal Perry boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Nicolas Floyd answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A local gambler blurted, "I request to pound his fibula."

"This is the most lucky, flavored, cranky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one writer.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Lloyd, the Dullsville Bulldogs broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Vanessa Carrow noted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lloyd couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bold, I could kiss our raccoon of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Lloyd's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the distraught young writer passing by did.

Talks between Afghanistan and Nigeria took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Afghanistan the south-most tip of Nigeria.

Spokesperson Alan Wright says "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Yemen with carefully stalling negotiations. Nigeria representatives deny everything vicious averred about them.

This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Jeepers! That was the most kinky son I've ever seen!"

Dr. Davis couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," sighed plant supervisor Mick Floyd. Floyd has been in charge of the microwave power plant for the last 11 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Floyd.

Power Commissioner Oscar declared there is no danger to citizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I could just clean."

Pfsr. Young, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Young has designed the wind turbine.

Actively being installed in Young's home county, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Peterson Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Young mentioned his research into light cubes and properly predicted results for later this decade.

After the incident, mayor Xavier of Farmington observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Small bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.

Communications in informed Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Panama is the world's largest producer of dictaphones, used in the treatment of delusions, an ailment Emperor Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sarah Xavier, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for nice Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have delusions, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

"What's the difference between Dallas and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Walter Quincy of Dallas in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Manning supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."