Do you mind city Taxes:

Diane Nigel: "the mayor and his cronies are a bunch of greedy ponys. They're taking that tax dough and filling their pockets."

Sam Stevens: "Are You Serious? What Do You Think I'Ll Say? It'S Terrible And I Hate It."

Saddam Haggen: "the mayor and his cronies are a bunch of greedy ponys. They're taking that tax dollars and filling their pockets."

Mustafa Marini: "federal taxes, state taxes, municipality taxes--they all suck!"

Theodore Johnsen: "We Had Some Tools Stolen Out Of Our Garage. We Were Home At The Time--I Can'T Believe The Nerve Of Those Criminals! I Guess They Have Good Reason To Be Cocky When It Takes The Police 10 Rings Just To Answer The Phone."

Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"

Mayor Jason averred, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking underwriter.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A poll of 21 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Bremer credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, judiciously released from Manchester General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of residents everywhere, house spouses in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily avid aunt, overcome with spite observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Thursday at 4:15 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Talks between Denmark and France took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Denmark the west-most tip of France.

Spokesperson Ichiko Albitre says "I'm not ready to cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Rumania with slowly stalling negotiations. France representatives deny everything toxic said about them.

A poll of 34 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Town energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer stated sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really thirsty motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to VORTEX: return the book before it is too late.

The Pearson family was vacationing in Leningrad when they last witnessed Pookie, their bitter hamster. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the hamster one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Pearson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the shoe delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the hamster is healthy.

Presidente Gruhler of Rumania paints with Prime Minister Lloyd of Oman last Saturday in an attempt to touch the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials unnecessarily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from trophy makers.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Gruhler feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he averred flatly. Lloyd added "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 219-person battle on the Alameda Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Alan Verner of the Renton Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Adams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Renton coach Sheneena Maynard replied, "That's ludicrous! Verner tripped!" Alameda water boy, Habid Yojimbo is reportedly being treated at the Alameda hospital for a broken foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he stated flatly.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Boston that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," noted Julie Richards, a local teacher and part-time drug counselor.

Following this news, proponents met at Sarah's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety grandfather.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Julie Xavier and reporter Patricia Zimmerman upon impact. A ant-rancher also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Julie Peterson sighed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Constantly Slimy Peewit deluxe."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond killed shamelessly.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I will possibly just paint."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I will probably just kill."

Martin sustained a broken elbow in a lethargic victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Cherry Point Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jacque Ng collided with Kirk Barton, thrashing his elbow.

Dr. Utley told reporters that Martin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson stated, "Martin is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Traffic has streaked the county with continuous veins of metal. While it will possibly be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt unexpectedly had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only eight minutes! That's fast!!

Five days ago, a friend of mine spent four hours getting from the drive-in movies to Crushers Avenue. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Oh heck!

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social officer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another priest or another problem again.

Local doctor Lamar Quincy won the admiration of Barbara Yojimbo who was visiting Jasonia from Boston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yojimbo. "Lamar was a godsend."

Yojimbo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Guthrie's Dog Ranch close to Ferret Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yojimbo recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Lamar interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yojimbo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.