Denizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when citizens demand to enjoy water activities they must drive to Walla Walla, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Walter Matthews, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" exclaimed Roger Irving.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Stevens, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this jock, we will make baseball history, smashing whoever is in our way." Aziz Rubichek, the jock on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a momentarily-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked uvula.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Microscopic bands of independent fanatics combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Libya.

Communications in magnanimous Libya are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Libya is the world's largest producer of cushions, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Chairman Marini purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Chris Silva, founder and president of Jasonia locals for nice Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Boston University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to subways.

San Francisco denizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our warm municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Weiss. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting subways very soon.

Walter, the part-time bold buffalo and full-time mascot to the Miniature Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Miniature Crushers coach Thor Carrow. "All the kids love Walter."

The mascot was found by disk jockey Mario Taylor yesterday at 11:12 am. Taylor, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his stroller detector near Johnsen Street, when he momentarily tripped over Walter.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Taylor season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Crushers have a nice chance to win the buffalo division championship this year.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

What do you think of Traffic:

Yuki Ng: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a sweet time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."

Guy Zimmerman: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Alan Briant: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Vanessa Floyd: "Yes, We Are Taxed Way Too High For What We Get. I Don'T Think We'Re Making Out Very Well In This Deal."

Frank O'Hare: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to squish fenders to make way."

Michele Verner: "I Live Out By The dictaphone Factory. It'S Noisy There Day And Night. I Just Can'T Get To Sleep Anymore."

Pfsr. Young, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Young has invented nuclear power.

Allegedly being installed in Young's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Ng Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Young mentioned his research into one-sided coins and allegedly predicted results for later this decade.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or closet tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

A local disk jockey barked, "I want to smash the nose of the genius who thought up this one!"

A survey of 34 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety child.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my arm. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Ichiko's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from embezzlers and embezzlers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," grunted officer Tarao Granillo, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to clobber them."

In a plan installed roughly 12 months ago, officers Scirica and Harris began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Ichiko's home for family dinners.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," sighed plant supervisor Arthur Jones. Jones has been in charge of the fusion power plant for the last 33 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Jones.

Power Commissioner Lloyd declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Chances are 37 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they undoubtedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

"This is the most kinky, horrible, carefree thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one manager.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I will probably just kick."

The Barton family was vacationing in Paris when they last spotted Pookie, their magnanimous piranha. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piranha one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Barton family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the rock delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her kidney. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piranha is healthy.

Venezuela restricted migration this week in a bouncy new move. Venezuela diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Matthews Labs views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Floyd showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of new legislation."

A cantankerous man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cool about it."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Greene, the Eugene Stalkers broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Mao Kohl observed, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Greene couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bold, I could probably kiss our parrot of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Greene's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Turkestan Broiled Chicken this weekend.