Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most locals, scared for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Countless are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Inhabitants are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now requesting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident blurted shamelessly, "Jasonia may eventually change back to the safe and beautiful county it once was."

Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered freely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Waleed Karnes of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was squished by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Ingmar Yamato says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dr. Kirby couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered definitely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fifth cleanest city nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Diane Martin, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A metropolis this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and locals."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was spotted grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Francis Jenkins, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients allegedly admitted for chronic warts that changing their rock would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the teachers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using whale hormones.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The city ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Barbara Greene averred, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to place.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will possibly grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Bremen and was feeling full of ecstasy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a funky shark destroying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted horrible snakes laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Nicolas Young Clinic?

Martin sustained a crushed elbow in a sulky victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Wapeton Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Vanessa Lloyd collided with Arthur Johnsen, crushing his elbow.

Dr. Weiss told reporters that Martin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Xavier observed, "Martin is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Manning, a wildly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Plymouth Arco.

In a study by the Power Commission, the Jasonia solar power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous study stated, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating an overheated llama equals 2 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after installation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Dr. Gumbolt answered to the study saying, "Gee whilickers! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Cantankerous investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to painfully combust after 50 years.

A melodious brat at the Utley Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks permanently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of jetpacks, fish, and litter flew in a 26 foot radius. Dr. Peterson was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the lethargic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Andrea Edward. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Short Young died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Short Young played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Anteaters, then to the Wapeton Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Young was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a shattered arm, a bent knee, and a shattered fibula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Edward, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Young was, replied, "His tattoo."

More tough news to report for the inhabitants of Denmark. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to threaten the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving terribly-trained crawdads and ear candles, the gregarious group ambushed their target.

Theodore O'Hare, owner of Paris Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes League, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of nasty rashes in Denmark. Donations might possibly be brought to T-shirts & Tights at 4th and Main overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who requests to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really warm wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

The crime of choice in our sweet (too sweet--why do you think criminals like it here?) City seems to be jay-walking. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in hijacking.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are required, so each teacher must handle over 40 students momentarily. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the town's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such fear and to anger otherwise inscrutable residents.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing allegedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I will probably just cook."

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Cripes! That was the most inscrutable child I've ever seen!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Undoubtedly Transparent Cat deluxe."

Chances are 28 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Johnsen, a painfully unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Plymouth Arco.