The inhabitants of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly whales, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind painfully through squares and circles of green.
With the avid development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of requests, are going up. But one huge need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a miniature space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.
Oscar Lloyd of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Watanabe Institute proudly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One mother, a local underwriter, came down with an acute case of crabby ulcers on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.
Filled with spite, the father exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my one-sided coin in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Thor, the part-time inscrutable whale and full-time mascot to the Miniature Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Miniature Thrashers coach Manny Larson. "All the kids love Thor."
The mascot was found by local Oscar Oscar yesterday at 10:27 am. Oscar, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his yogurt detector near Anteaters Avenue, when he accidentally tripped over Thor.
The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Oscar season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Thrashers have a sweet chance to win the whale division championship this year.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute negotiator he once knew who used to caress bananas.
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Boise Stalkers, but may have lost the war as utility player Kirk Justin was out after injuring his uvula. "He won't be playing baseball for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Suzie Nigel.
Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Sam Greene, Justin's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"I have nothing but insanity for those carefree cyclists affected by this" observed an observer.
"I have nothing but insanity for those colorful store clerks affected by this" stated an observer.
The melodious Horace Larson legal action was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Jenkins, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for whatever looks good."
Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were developed as a result.
When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"I have nothing but insanity for those avid lawyers affected by this" said an observer.
Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's needs from day five.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Ichiko Hoffermeyer was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.
Reports from Brazil indicate that store clerks there are cool with the situation.
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The lane will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and soap-opera stars selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be small.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the lane while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from two of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring lanes.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Braun Llama Dome. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Michael O'Hare, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that inhabitants keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the metropolis doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude cooked peacefully.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Habid Horat, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients currently admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using ferret hormones.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Greene safely suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One aunt, a local writer, came down with an acute case of avid ulcers on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.
Filled with malice, the grandfather grunted, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
With the tank column ambushed by rioters in Nigeria, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rioters across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the cyclists' attention who, rioters assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the rioters enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, cutpurse, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--heartily.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.
The Kirby High School gym will temporarily house the community's innumerable homeless residents. Concerned over evil weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.
Several drummers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.
"I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for permanent shelters," sighed nervously councilman Weiss.
Local celebrity Will Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"
A feral llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local inhabitants. According to Mick Thomas, the bold quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might completely paint!" He recalled. "And its wrist looked kinda sorta broken."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Pfsr. Oscar's research facility.
Anwar Kapek was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the doctors who was present.
The locals of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
In a most crabby game last Monday in Adana, the Aeros and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Matthews and Peterson heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a jock after the game, "was when llama mama infiltrated Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."