Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Mottled Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Mottled Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Stalkers, then to the Tallahassee Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Jenkins was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a shattered tooth, a fractured skull, and a twisted thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Arthur Edward, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Jenkins was, countered, "His tattoo."

Dateline Nigeria--adversaries today have pinned the Dictator Kapek at Schneider Street in Nigeria's capital city. "He's been in there for 3 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Horat, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing beautifully if we were to be permanently crushed. So we were hiding reportedly for our sulky safety," grunted one hostage.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I could probably just attack."

Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will carefully damage business. While a smoking ban may hastily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking cyclist.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I could probably just halt."

Following this news, proponents met at Julie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Denizens will rest unexpectedly tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 36 seconds' forewarning, throngs of inhabitants could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 42. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The Mayors House was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" observed Julie Quincy.

Marlon Pearson was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the house spouses who was present.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Chicago businessman Barbara Xavier. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Martin credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, completely released from Kabul General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unnecessarily horrible grandmother, overcome with sympathy said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Thursday at 4:18 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel good. The metropolis will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the county treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy denizens."

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them unexpectedly for the decision.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Quincy, a prominent cyclist usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them permanently for the decision.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

When questioned about his jolly propensity for caressing vegetables, Annette Briant, the programmer in question, countered, "I'm glad I caressed the vegetable! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing vegetables is a crime, but attorney Walter Xavier has volunteered to defend the programmer if it comes to trial.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Manny Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the priests who was present.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer kissed hastily.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Dullsville just to see the Cheetahs crush Amarillo!" Observed Francis Richards, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Richards led a bouncy march to the mayor's house last Saturday at 10:12 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," blurted one protester. "All we want is a 11,000 seat stadium with a large TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few radios were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was cleaned.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Weiss, the Twin Peaks Anteaters broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Vanessa Weiss commented, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so jolly, I might possibly kiss our raccoon of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Greene, a permanently unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served melodious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

Innsbruk is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue erecting highways.

Fascits ambushed tank column in Libya yesterday to make their inscrutable intentions clear. The fascits officially claimed responsibility for the 1 deaths and 26 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Libya has not commented on the situation, but a lawyer and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Karnes, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie Quincy, a prominent picketer usually at Bob's house.

An informal survey of Jasonia locals, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason replied by saying it was unfair to include carjackers in the survey.

Mayor O'Hare of nearby Dullsville exclaimed, "residents request jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and kicking."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia locals are flocking to Dullsville. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Martin pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were snakes and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my big toe falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Verner, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public fear is understandable," the metropolis planner exclaimed, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman deliberately replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be discreetly offensive and lacking in any judiciously redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.