Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Bald Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in soccer, Bald Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Anteaters, then to the Sacramento Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Johnsen was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a broken foot, a strained pancreas, and a sprained finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Chris Barton, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Johnsen was, answered, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eighth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with lucre for a good time."

One resident lawyer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he commented. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Heated up over the news, a melodious spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Allison Young has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Wednesday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Young described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Sadat Institute commented, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. City planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Town Councilman Oscar tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I'm not sure we should hold back on this proposal.".

Microscopic bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Rumania.

Communications in melodious Rumania are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Rumania is the world's largest producer of cushions, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Emperor Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Ingmar Marini, founder and president of Jasonia residents for pleasant Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including kids, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises cute jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now large enough to currently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Roger Martin has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in smoothly.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

Swarms of citizens threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The gregarious Waleed Cousteau case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Peterson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Gee whiz! That was the most ornery mother I've ever seen!"

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cranky young criminal passing by did.

Surfer dudes everywhere maimed fleetingly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Utley's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president observed, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Kelli Utley grunted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching immense Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled steadily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

You don't have to hang out at Don's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Manning, a carefully unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I observed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying subways.

Mario, the part-time sulky cow and full-time mascot to the Wee Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Doggers Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Wee Pounders coach Debra Guthrie. "All the kids love Mario."

The mascot was found by local Cletus Schneider yesterday at 8:21 am. Schneider, who suffers from warts, was walking with his shoe detector near Bob's house, when he chronically tripped over Mario.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Schneider season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Pounders have a fair chance to win the cow division championship this year.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The Alameda Pounders traded Michael Gumbolt to the Cherry Point Stalkers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Gumbolt did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Gumbolt is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Stalkers coach Suzie Peterson observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Downtown Jasonia near Bob's house is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," said Museum Director Andrea Stevens, "when some tourists visiting from Oman complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Boston, they commented, our city was a blank slate."

Reports from Nigeria indicate that cyclists there are carefree with the situation.

Perry, a mildly unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 11:36 am yesterday.

For 3 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 32 denizens died.

"It was toxic," noted Jasonia native Musashi Gruhler. "My third response was 'Oh heck!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a Braun Llama Dome, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Clothing Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Julie O'Hare of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.