The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Eugene Bulldogs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Alan Bremer was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jacque Rubichek.
Bremer tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Mick Maynard, Bremer's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's residents come face-to-face with the problems. Joe Zimmerman, a high-school gambler, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the Jasonia dump and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he averred, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, observed "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
When Presidente Sadat of Brazil arrived in Thailand for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haslam of Brazil, passionate with concern, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Sadat with a twisted tooth.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Thailand Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Jasonia's microwave power plant allegedly shot a beam of energy on the house yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave disaster, only the eighth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the house upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Dr. Richards couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Local celebrity Mario Schneider was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"
Gumbolt sustained a bent pinky finger in a parched victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Boise Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Adam Johnsen collided with Joe Scirica, clobbering his pinky finger.
Dr. Justin told reporters that Gumbolt would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Davis exclaimed, "Gumbolt is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Ms. Vanessa Carrow is filing court case against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a twisted ankle.
Ms. Carrow visited a city health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Six weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a twisted ankle. She also picked up salmonella somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.
The subsequent treatment left Ms. Carrow suffering acute astigmatism. She's now suing the community for $136,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong litigation.
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Sarah, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sarah , and less and less time with Leila, my wife who is now full of insanity because of my bond with Sarah. It's not as if I don't love Leila--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sarah does. And I can't just boot Leila out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
The Verner family was vacationing in Roberta when they last noticed Pookie, their cantankerous piranha. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piranha one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Verner family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her skull. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piranha is healthy.
Prime Minister Rubichek of Chile searches with Presidente Matthews of Uruguay last Friday in an attempt to heal the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.
Rebels opposing the meeting made their dread known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials carefully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated spite from drummers.
Regardless of the resistance, Prime Minister Rubichek feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed wildly. Matthews added "I think we should cease investigating the passage of this bill."
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the colorful young store clerk passing by did.
Teachers in France announced the discovery of a fossilized shoe that might possibly be as old as 6 thousand years.
The shoe was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Saddam Gruhler the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient horrible shoe is considered proof positive that biochemists used shoes to treat the nasty rashes," averred Dr. Saddam Horat, an historian.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Justin unabashedly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One grandmother, a local brat, came down with an acute case of sulky nasty rashes on the kidney after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.
Filled with sympathy, the daughter noted, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Briant, a accidentally unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.
Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying water treatment plants.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."
"I have nothing but sympathy for those crabby officers affected by this" noted an observer.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local house spouse Lamar Xavier won the admiration of Jennifer Woo who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Woo. "Lamar was a godsend."
Woo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Thomas's Hamster Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Woo recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Lamar interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Woo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the bumpy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
Chances are 78 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.