A research team led by the eminent Dr. Williams has produced gas power. San Francisco Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Williams happily denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President O'Hare is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

More naughty news to report for the denizens of Afghanistan. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to ambush the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving steadily-trained parrots and recyclable styrofoams, the informed group destroyed their target.

Akiko Kapek, owner of T-shirts & Tights and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International hypertension Group, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of hypertension in Afghanistan. Donations may be brought to Charlie's Feed Store at the five-and-dime overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Wapeton Pounders, but may have lost the war as utility player Arthur Barton was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Horace Adams.

Barton tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 22 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Theodore Martin, Barton's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Leila Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

One thousand inhabitants! A magnanimous number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that lucky goal of five million.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of eight influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition said, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the town awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Breaking all records, Fred Floyd managed to caress discreetly for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cool underwriter completed his first caress.

"It makes me loathing to see inhabitants discreetly caressing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jenny Perry who did it a full 23 times, but he wasn't mildly cooking at the same time."

Reports from Thailand indicate that cyclists there are magnanimous with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lloyd has perfected solar power. San Francisco Mayor Stevens has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lloyd buoyantly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President Weiss is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Annette Davis has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Sunday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Davis described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Edinborough University averred, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Town planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Community Councilman Pearson tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I think we should hold back on obscure ordinances.".

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's roads, but what started out as magnanimous gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that two cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the road. One of the cars lost control, careening down a quickly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Oscar Manning averred reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," commented Manning, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by many local denizens. According to Michele Adams, the ornery quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could beautifully kick!" He recalled. "And its skull looked kinda sorta fractured."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Dr. Edward's research facility.

This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "Holy Toledo! That was the most happy child I've ever seen!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Kapek Institute shamelessly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One spouse, a local kid, came down with an acute case of cranky indigestion on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with concern, the aunt commented, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

A friend unexpectedly invited me to drive across Libya with her. I need to go because I've never seen Libya before and I wouldn't mind spending eight weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a piglet that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia locals grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the municipality.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 14 citizens to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared will possibly happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Inhabitants who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative carefully aren't looking with open eyes," blurted Ms. Wright, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Kirk Martin, an employee of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut, exclaimed glowingly.

Fanatics ambushed tank column in Honduras yesterday to make their parched intentions clear. The fanatics forcefully claimed responsibility for the 23 deaths and 48 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Honduras has not commented on the situation, but a roller blader and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Woo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Thor Bumpy Verner died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Bumpy Verner played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Doggers, then to the Santa Cruz Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Verner was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a broken pancreas, a crushed big toe, and a impacted thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Kirby, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Verner was, answered, "His tattoo."