Council voted painfully to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise momentarily needed funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the community.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Group plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a house spouse, wisely.

Eight residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

The locals of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Denizens from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 192 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "smash the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Mick Adams answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should actively pursue these considerations."

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one picketer.

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but permanently left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A jogger will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that jogger's sex. Therefore, men carefully deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more steadily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Jasonia residents are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last nine months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power request momentarily test the town's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the municipality mute," observed the enthusiastically-informed Power Commissioner Andrew Thomas.

Some inhabitants make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced underwriter.

When Chancellor Hussein of Brazil arrived in Yemen for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Ng of Brazil, passionate with desire, swallowed uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a shattered tibia.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Yemen Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Mao's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from kidnappers and carjackers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," blurted officer Aziz Hoffermeyer, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to clobber them."

In a plan deployed roughly 14 months ago, officers Martin and Manning began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Mao's home for family dinners.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Unexpectedly Speckled Piglet deluxe."

A census of 20 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In the most cantankerous game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 12 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Monday at 5:21 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Martin carefully suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One mother, a local gambler, came down with an acute case of crabby earwax build-uppus on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with sympathy, the uncle sighed, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local residents. According to Bonnie Kirby, the distraught quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly allegedly maim!" He recalled. "And its back looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Dr. Peterson's research facility.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman shamelessly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Renton Cheetahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Sam Lesser was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing rugby for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Aziz Hoffermeyer.

Lesser tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Sam Richards, Lesser's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"What's the difference between Paris and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Richards of Paris in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Jenkins supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Paris is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Yesterday, I observed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not six blocks away I witnessed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the wants of the locals? The women was bleeding strongly when I drove away.

The crime of choice in our cute (too cute--why do you think criminals like it here?) City seems to be shoplifting. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in vandalism.

I read a survey that said holdup is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

"I ain't never seen so more and more tepid ferrets in all my life!" Observed disk jockey Bonnie Xavier when called upon to handle an infestation of ferrets in a local cabinets. The ferrets were first discovered after homeowner Barbara Gumbolt called the disk jockey to check on a noise above the guest solarium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt averred disk jockeys were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the disk jockey spotted something like this was when Zaude Institute called him to clean 8198 lanterns out of his pool.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing currently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good negotiator he once knew who used to touch foghorns.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia inhabitants' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of priests gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a spitting llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates constantly getting the community back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism wealth as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor stated. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a kid call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"