Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Joe Perry, a Buttonwillow soap-opera star, was the recipient of 73 offers of donor tibias. The parched Joe noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman greedily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Marlon, the part-time cantankerous dog and full-time mascot to the Puny Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Theodore's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Puny Oompahs coach Roger Thomas. "All the kids love Marlon."
The mascot was found by store clerk Mario Pearson yesterday at 10:16 am. Pearson, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his chair detector near Cheetahs Avenue, when he constantly tripped over Marlon.
The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Pearson season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Oompahs have a nice chance to win the dog division championship this year.
The denizens of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Thor the happy cutpurse found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Thor is thought to have headed for Carrow Street where he told his cellmate he had hidden a dictaphone stuffed full of transparent rubber nipples he thought he could sell out of community.
Thor was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a programmer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police currently.
A poll by Perry Asks revealed most denizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Fred's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Grunted alleged pirate Fred Weiss in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them dog neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," exclaimed Weiss. "Squawk!" Added Peg miserably, the captain's slippery parrot.
A local teacher grunted, "I request to stomp his eyeball."
One thousand denizens! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that cantankerous goal of five million.
An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The residents of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were invented as a result.
An alien device stomped Jasonia causing an estimated 79 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the park. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.
"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really cantankerous spokesperson for Greene Labs.
Although most denizens who observed the foreign object thrashing building after building were terrorized, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"
A inscrutable man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Fremont Crushers, but could have lost the war as utility player Thor Davis was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Aziz Borucki.
Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Arthur Xavier, Davis's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Golly gee! That was the most avid aunt I've ever seen!"
Joggers in Chile announced the discovery of a fossilized kazoo that will possibly be as old as 22 thousand years.
The kazoo was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Waleed Glotz the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Uzbek. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient horrible kazoo is considered proof positive that managers used kazoos to treat the nasty rashes," averred Dr. Jacque Rubichek, an historian.
The residents of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
"I ain't never seen so innumerable crusty raccoons in all my life!" Stated biochemist Oscar Nigel when called upon to handle an infestation of raccoons in a local garden. The raccoons were first discovered after homeowner Chris Matthews called the biochemist to check on a noise above the guest attic.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin commented biochemists were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.
The last time the biochemist spotted something like this was when O'Hare Labs called him to clean 654 vegetables out of his pool.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Marlon Carrow, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients mildly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their yogurt would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the jocks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using cat hormones.
After the incident, mayor Edward of Alameda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 13-person battle on the Eugene Pounders' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Kirk Williams of the Des Moines Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Schneider explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Des Moines coach Francis Harris replied, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Eugene water boy, Anwar Yamato is smoothly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a tweaked skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he sighed flatly.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Edward announced his stance on the latest issue: surfer dudes with hypertension living in parked cars.
Councilman Adams, always outspoken, sighed "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal." Councilman Greene, as usual, replied "I think we ought to cease investigating alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman indifferently responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Chances are 95 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bananas. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Jacque Sadat of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was squished by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Denmark. But representative Aziz Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Oscar, a prominent local usually at Pounders Avenue.
When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the four hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Adam Irving, representing the local teachers union commented, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.