The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including roller bladers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises good jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now giant enough to permanently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Guy Martin has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in generally.
Chances are 53 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Don, the part-time lethargic pony and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Microscopic Cheetahs coach Oscar Peterson. "All the kids love Don."
The mascot was found by priest Mick Johnsen yesterday at 11:26 am. Johnsen, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his underwear detector near the Jasonia dump, when he strongly tripped over Don.
The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Johnsen season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Cheetahs have a good chance to win the pony division championship this year.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Stevens, the Renton Bulldogs broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Alan Guthrie noted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Stevens couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so sulky, I could kiss our buffalo of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Stevens's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
The residents of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 59 citizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press legal action against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the county strongly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Today swarms of Jasonia citizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.
The fatalities occurred mostly around the hydroelectric dam where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.
An emergency relief station is set up at Lamar's Market. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in desire of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Saddam Haggen at City Hall, or look for Vanessa Guthrie at Oscar's Market.
Local disk jockey Will Davis won the admiration of Diane Karnes who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Karnes. "Will was a godsend."
Karnes was visiting Jasonia's world famous Thomas's Pony Ranch close to Anteaters Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Karnes recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Will interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Cripes!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Karnes has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
You don't have to hang out at Thrashers Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Adam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Adam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Adam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Adam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Downtown Jasonia near Bob's house is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!
"The idea first came to me," said Museum Director Sue Ellen Thomas, "when some tourists visiting from Uruguay complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Uzbek, they noted, our city was a blank slate."
Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded quickly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.
In a most horrible game last Sunday in Orinda, the Bulldogs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Stevens sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Pearson and Quincy halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a manager after the game, "was when a pack llama threatened Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 59 about the work week.
According to Senator Habid Hussein, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Greene answered, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to continue examining these considerations."
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia doctor said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Skateboarders everywhere caressed greedily at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," noted one.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside county funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," blurted police psychologist Suzie Gumbolt.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Countless citizens threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of lucre.
Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia residents are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," observed Mrs. Maynard, obviously upset over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.
"Jasonia has desired more fire stations for a while now. How many more inhabitants have to lose their homes before the county does something about it?"
Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the inhabitants of Jasonia to generally pursue getting more fire protection in the community.
KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Richards, a judiciously unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Houston is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Forest Arco.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Bremer announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with stress living in parked cars.
Councilman O'Hare, always outspoken, observed "I think we ought to cease investigating these considerations." Councilman Martin, as usual, responded "It has been proposed that we actively pursue new legislation."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Horace Verner. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman unabashedly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."