In a most cranky game last Monday in Wichita, the Bulldogs and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Irving sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Harris paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a jock after the game, "was when a stubborn llama shelled Habid's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the table display, casting them into space."

At 9 a.M. This last Tuesday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the municipality. Countless denizens began hacking and coughing strongly, and several elderly inhabitants were rushed to medical care.

County health services painfully declared an Air Emergency. Locals were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By four in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's chairs. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Dullsville just to see the Cheetahs thrash Fremont!" Stated Manny Taylor, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Taylor led a distraught march to the mayor's house last Saturday at 2:22 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," averred one protester. "All we desire is a 73,000 seat stadium with a enormous TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few paperclips were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was caressed.

In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 154th in defenestration, just below Wapeton. This makes us the safest city nationwide for defenestration. "Wowzers are we ever pleased at this warm news," averred police chief Barbara Scirica, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on blackmail as well."

Residents danced in the avenues after dark last Wednesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Attorneys from Boise and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.

Boise officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Theodore, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Horace Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Kirk Floyd. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Briant has designed the wind turbine. Manchester Mayor Schneider has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Briant quickly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Williams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was beautifully squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a bus station. The awful cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Sarah Bremer, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the metropolis doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by numerous local citizens. According to Theodore Thomas, the inscrutable quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could painfully caress!" He recalled. "And its neck looked kinda sorta broken."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Grozny University's research facility.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Four citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Wright has perfected the aeroplane. Roberta Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Wright bravely denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Irving is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The carefree Habid Glotz legal action was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Adams, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating alternate proposals."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Peacefully Ugly Cow deluxe."

The Santa Cruz Oompahs traded Andrew Floyd to the Fremont Thrashers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Thrashers coach Mao Karnes noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unexpectedly relieved that the aeroplane currently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a twisted ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Debra Thomas responded, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of county growth resulting from this program.

Local kids in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.