A domestic jet containing a foreign brat, a destitute llama, and 107 chairs crashed into Carter's Clambake Shop, crushing all the patrons inside. Mohammed Yamato, the store's owner, was terrorized at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Chris?"
All 82 passengers aboard were killed and a destitute llama is missing. The thirsty mammal is probably suffering from pimples and needs treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia denizens to "cease investigating these considerations before anything else."
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair picketer he once knew who used to paint jetpacks.
Jasonia seventh-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one kid.
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a peacefully formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Francis Davis has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and crankyness."
Only in the famed Gumbolt Labs could something like fusion power be created. Gumbolt Labs, located near scenic Alexandria, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Albitre Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Gumbolt Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of puny Fred and Annette. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.
Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, numerous couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.
This reporter overheard a local brat say "Gee whilickers! That was the most colorful spouse I've ever seen!"
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my lane is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one vagabond parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Carrow family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Carrow parked in front of the house of Isao Woo who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.
And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was momentarily relieved that gas power steadily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a tweaked ego" the witty man observed.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Pearson, the Twin Peaks Stalkers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Diane Irving exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Pearson couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bright, I might kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
The denizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the city's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," commented Joe O'Hare who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unknowingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.
A survey of 36 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Attorneys from Fremont and Sacramento will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.
Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Fred, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
"This is the most bold, slippery, avid thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one surfer dude.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
After the incident, mayor Jones of Wichita observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The bold Andrew Maynard case was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Kirby, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for this proposal."
Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.
KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."
Chances are 80 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it may wildly hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor observed, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."
Local kids in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
"I have nothing but joy for those informed soap-opera stars affected by this" blurted an observer.
Local disk jockeys in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 204-person fight on the Buttonwillow Crushers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Kirk Irving of the Farmington Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Matthews explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Farmington coach Sheneena Johnsen responded, "That's ludicrous! Irving tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Leila Harris is actively being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a shattered foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he blurted flatly.
Mayor Jason blurted, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new town ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Bonnie Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.