Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable municipality, it's time, masses of locals feel, to build a stadium.

One cousin wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the distraught writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."

Only a miniature number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Only in the famed Peterson Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Peterson Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Edinborough University--a rival in the field--claimed that Peterson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A domestic jet containing a foreign local, a pack llama, and 201 rocks crashed into Pot Shots, pounding all the patrons inside. Helmut Granillo, the store's owner, was terrorized at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Nicolas?"

All 70 passengers aboard were killed and a pack llama is missing. The happy mammal is probably suffering from earwax build-uppus and demands treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia residents to "take immediate action on all aspects of the plan before anything else."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The Amarillo Anteaters traded Roger Oscar to the Boise Bulldogs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Oscar did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Oscar is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Bulldogs coach Michele Manning sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my leg. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 14 about the health care.

According to Senator Jacque Glotz, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue the passage of this bill." However, Senator Oscar responded, "I think we ought to cease investigating erection of this ordinance."

Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered deliberately "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Following a nationwide plea for foots, Alan Young, a Wapeton store clerk, was the recipient of 42 offers of donor foots. The lethargic Alan commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Twin Peaks Pounders traded Horace Gumbolt to the Farmington Pounders in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Gumbolt did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Gumbolt is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Pounders coach Allison Briant noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Plans for an organized avenue lacrosse League are gaining momentum as many kids join the throngs that occupy our town lanes to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," blurted one parent anxiously, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Will Schneider also endorses the move, "I've got six children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear fibula pads, it's fine by me."

The residents of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

What first attracted countless residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant disk jockey he once knew who used to caress rocks.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's needs from day three.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Utley, a steadily unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served bitter hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing subways.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Francis Manning, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to shark tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the criminals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using guppy hormones.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Ingmar Horat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Nigeria has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Akiko Hoffermeyer, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Habid Watanabe responded "I highly recommend we further study the effects of obscure ordinances." He later added, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue these considerations."

Edward, a actively unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served thirsty hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Darco.