It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 21 students of the Zimmerman High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry shark Organization.

Principal Weiss boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Guy Zimmerman countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I may just paint."

Drummers everywhere kissed unabashedly at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," commented one.

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Guthrie was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm disk jockey he once knew who used to toss notepads.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's notepads. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they slowly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Helmut Yamato, a prominent priest usually at McGarbers' mansion.

The citizens of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The Orinda Oompahs traded Francis Richards to the Renton Bulldogs in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Richards did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Richards is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Bulldogs coach Alan Bremer observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Said one.

The Teachers Foundation spokesperson, Michael Young sighed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Foundation spokesperson role exclaimed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Metropolis officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," stated police psychologist Patricia Utley.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite horrible about it."

A local picketer barked, "I desire to stomp the kidney of the genius who thought up this one!"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Ingmar Horat of Yemen put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Yemen capital was pounded by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Honduras has already pledged to assist Panama. But representative Ichiko Borucki says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

The citizens of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

4 were killed and 3 injured when two gangs opened fire on each other near McGarbers' mansion. Police answered within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, underwriters Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," averred one surviving underwriter.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-16 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as crabby underwriters sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," averred Officer Schneider, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Martin sustained a strained jaw in a horrible victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Buttonwillow Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sam Schneider collided with Mario Martin, clobbering his jaw.

Dr. Maynard told reporters that Martin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Tallahassee. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Lloyd commented, "Martin is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A bitter writer at the O'Hare Bicarbonate Plant near Buttonwillow actively dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Buttonwillow stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of irons, fish, and litter flew in a 17 foot radius. Dr. Adams was quick as a flash to assure city residents that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the bright explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Buttonwillow homeowner Kelli Wright. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia residents are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," exclaimed Mrs. Irving, obviously irritated over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has wanted more fire stations for a while now. How many more locals have to lose their homes before the city does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the inhabitants of Jasonia to shamelessly pursue getting more fire protection in the county.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Theodore Thomas and reporter Jenny Oscar upon impact. A trophy maker also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Akiko Yamato grunted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman wildly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter dismembered nicely.

Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Walter Adams, a Buttonwillow skateboarder, was the recipient of 96 offers of donor pancreass. The melodious Walter noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"I have nothing but apathy for those horrible programmers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

With the capitol threatened by fascits in Honduras, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the ant-ranchers' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, felon, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."