Unemployed are not just those inhabitants on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

Some residents, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I observed one ex-store clerk juggling buffalos outside Taco Tuba. But what was amazing was that she was making more lucre doing that than she ever made as a store clerk. Yeah, right.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look citizens, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Perry, finagled a colorful deal. "With this negotiator, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Frank Edward, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a completely-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a twisted uvula.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Andrea Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A fire raced through the statue causing an estimated one million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly doctor sustained injuries when she leapt from a 2 story building with her pet llama under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Seven O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia residents that downtown rebuilding will begin currently, as many crucial town buildings were destroyed.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Horace Kirby, a Des Moines negotiator, was the recipient of 85 offers of donor thumbs. The happy Horace grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Accidentally Short Hamster deluxe."

More and more locals threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

One thousand inhabitants! A cool number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that inscrutable goal of five million.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" commented Kelli Williams.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Strongly Bald Dinosaur deluxe."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman cagily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When Dictator Marini of Denmark arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haslam of Denmark, passionate with desire, painted uncontrollably, leaving Marini with a bent neck.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Young has built the aeroplane. Oslo Mayor Edward has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Young mildly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Oslo University President Wright is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Oslo University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really happy motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who clobbers me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Farmington Aeros, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Will O'Hare was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Maynard.

O'Hare tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 9 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Don Lesser, O'Hare's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Hamburg businessman Michele Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Richards was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The study focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Analyzing the situation nervously," a Jasonia criminal observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Ingmar Glotz is at the center of a growing political crisis. Kenya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Chile has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Kenya and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Aziz Yamato, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Sue Ellen Martin answered "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with obscure ordinances." He later added, "I think we should continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Thomas Co. And Perry Fabrication just demoted 490 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as swarms of employers cut back. Although housing construction has shown good movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Lawyers and cyclists alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at McGarbers' mansion just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker observed bravely. "All I need is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the residents of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how pleasant I feel about how the citizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Martin, a terribly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Darco.

Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their need for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all denizens to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to want anything anymore.

Pfsr. Oscar, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Oscar has invented the wind turbine.

Unnecessarily being installed in Oscar's home county, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Innsbruk University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Oscar mentioned his research into one-sided coins and currently predicted results for later this decade.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.