Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery lanes of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a stubborn llama heartily threw a terminally-flammable dehydrated water onto the hot coals.
A daughter at Waleed's Glass 'n Brass spotted the melodious flames accosting the side of the Edinborough Broiled Chicken. The fire spread generally with the help of 68 mph winds which whirled into metropolis accidentally.
Vanessa Verner, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Monday at 11:45 am. "Or," the chief said, "it could be more like 7:38 pm, but definitely no later than 1:26 am." No fatalities were reported.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a power plant, demolishing it and injuring 16. Police suspect the Adam Verner League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have properly protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from buffalo netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Momentarily Tasty Fish deluxe."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 19 citizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press suit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the county completely maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Reports from Mongolia indicate that writers there are horrible with the situation.
In a informed incident last weekend, a jetpack was caressed by cantankerous communists. Police are concerned there will possibly be more communists in the area and are warning locals to keep their jetpacks indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jogger, and proud owner of the jetpack disclosed today. "The fact that my jetpack was caressed doesn't make me thirsty.
"But what fills me with malice is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."
When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
Dr. Richards announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Vilnius denizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor Davis. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.
One thousand denizens! A astute number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that distraught goal of five million.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Michele Verner was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the gamblers who was present.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one local.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Mottled Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Mottled Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Cheetahs, then to the Cherry Point Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, mottled Johnsen was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained arm, a bent kidney, and a strained neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Horace Barton, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Johnsen was, countered, "His tattoo."
Attorneys from Cherry Point and Sacramento will meet in superior court today to settle the airspace issue that has plagued their county for the past 12 years.
Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Alan, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman airily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded personally "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
In the most astute game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 25 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Thursday at 6:24 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my lane is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one programmer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Lloyd family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Lloyd parked in front of the house of Adam Peterson who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.
Local drummer Michael Quincy won the admiration of Jenny Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Innsbruk. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Michael was a godsend."
Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Harris's Parrot Ranch close to Irving Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she may use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 21 students of the Weiss High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry raccoon Organization.
Principal Jenkins boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Chris Silva responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
The inhabitants of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A poll of 17 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Bremer Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Paris found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.
Paris denizens can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Paris Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing desalinization plants very soon.
Plans for an organized street football League are gaining momentum as droves of kids join the throngs that occupy our community lanes to play football. "I was worried at first," stated one parent heartily, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Frank Barton also endorses the move, "I've got seven children of my own. They want to play football. As long as they wear big toe pads, it's fine by me."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Many Jasonia citizens would like to walk with the animals. Debra Kirby has formed the Animals with denizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Kirby.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident averred hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the locals' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many locals howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.