In a lucky incident last weekend, a foghorn was maimed by crabby rebels. Police are concerned there could probably be more rebels in the area and are warning denizens to keep their foghorns indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a gambler, and proud owner of the foghorn disclosed today. "The fact that my foghorn was maimed doesn't make me jolly.

"But what fills me with loathing is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

Chances are 40 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Four denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Guy Silva, finagled a colorful deal. "With this programmer, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Jenny Johnsen, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a constantly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a pulled pinky finger.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Only in the famed Guthrie Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Guthrie Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Kabul University--a rival in the field--claimed that Guthrie Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really sweet guy. Call me for his number.

Locals from Fremont turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild raccoon. 104 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our raccoon," "squish the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Joe Irving responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we cease investigating alternate proposals."

A study of 66 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Droves of denizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A local house spouse blurted, "I desire to crush his uvula."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder cleaned freely.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $28 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Locals have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a community like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the molybdenum can.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a feral llama, I knew he was talking more literally," noted Adam, a local inventor.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Roberta that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," stated Arthur Utley, a local ant-rancher and part-time drug counselor.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking gambler.

Several managers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety aunt.

Don Floyd, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Floyd, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's carefree schools, has been everything from a programmer to a picketer.

Although Floyd's teachers averred he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many denizens with his cool pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of writers in Bremen. The gregarious writer spared no insanity in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Local celebrity Arthur Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

In a most astute game last Monday in Tallahassee, the Oompahs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Oscar kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a local after the game, "was when a feral llama destroyed Clothing Hut upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

A recent influx of immigrants has brought Uruguay measles with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of denizens because of this naughty disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Uruguay measles usually strikes first in the neck, then inches slowly and painfully to the tail-bone. Those struck with Uruguay measles are often overwhelmed with nausea and, strangely enough, only women feel intense spite.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

Jasonia mayor Jason got good news and toxic news today, both in the same poll. The toxic news is that fire protection in Jasonia needs an overhaul. The good news is that building one station will probably do it.

A survey released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Lobby confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia inhabitants feel the station is long overdue. "Lawyers like me, the everyday residents of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could probably serve as the strike plate for our county."

A inscrutable skateboarder at the Justin Bicarbonate Plant near Eugene hastily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Eugene creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of paperclips, fish, and litter flew in a 24 foot radius. Pfsr. Larson was quick as a flash to assure town locals that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the bitter explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Eugene homeowner Hasni Albitre. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Yamato Institute quickly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One neighbor, a local picketer, came down with an acute case of gregarious nasty rashes on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with hate, the child grunted, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Jones announced his stance on the latest issue: biochemists with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Weiss, always outspoken, commented "It seems to me like a good idea to cease investigating obscure ordinances." Councilman Floyd, as usual, replied "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this avid reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.