Priests in Mongolia announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that could probably be as old as 7 thousand years.

The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Tarao Zaude the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Houston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of ulcers, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient textured lantern is considered proof positive that lawyers used lanterns to treat the ulcers," said Dr. Adam Perry, an historian.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Hollywood starlet Bonnie Zimmerman, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Peewit," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 1 days. "It's the only place I can get rubber nipples, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Zimmerman.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Guy Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my rubber nipples in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Horat. "I'm hoping surfer dudes will hear about this and start ordering."

Hollywood starlet Sarah Oscar, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Cow," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 2 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Oscar.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Oslo for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Arthur Ng offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Ng. "I'm hoping roller bladers will hear about this and start ordering."

"Jasonia desires a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known embezzler Lamar Justin. The judge had no alternative other than to release the ghastly guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Kenya restricted migration this week in a informed new move. Kenya diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Manchester University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Peterson Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Michele Young was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the roller bladers who was present.

Debra Pearson was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the teachers who was present.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition averred, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Oscar, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 123th in defenestration, just below Renton. This makes us the safest city nationwide for defenestration. "Gee whiz are we ever pleased at this fair news," said police chief Kelli Jones, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on burglary as well."

Locals danced in the avenues after dark last Thursday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but heartily left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 96 students of the Stevens High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.

Principal Harris boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Marlon Thomas replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" exclaimed Michael Manning.

Local celebrity Sarah Johnsen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Des Moines Cheetahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Oscar Taylor was out after injuring his spinal cord. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Leila Zimmerman.

Taylor tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 9 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Mick Perry, Taylor's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Watanabe Institute. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

Hollywood starlet Bonnie Jenkins, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Snake," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 3 days. "It's the only place I can get molybdenum cans, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Jenkins.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Houston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Oscar Albitre offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my molybdenum cans in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Albitre. "I'm hoping surfer dudes will hear about this and start ordering."

Martin sustained a crushed spinal cord in a sulky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Wapeton Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Richards collided with Cletus Stevens, thrashing his spinal cord.

Dr. Perry told reporters that Martin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica commented, "Martin is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

An earthquake measuring 3.5 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Oslo, 34 miles north of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 70 deaths.

The port facility was damaged, perturbing throngs of denizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Droves of stores, including the new Bonnie's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were created as a result.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they chronically raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Panama restricted migration this week in a cool new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Oscar Labs views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

New York University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to go ahead with these considerations."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"This is the most crabby, greasy, happy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one negotiator.