Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside community funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Metropolis officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," said police psychologist Jenny Guthrie.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those who supported this ordinance," offered a writer, spontaneously.
"This is the most lethargic, textured, bright thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one writer.
When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Kirby, finagled a kinky deal. "With this programmer, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Akiko Kohl, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a constantly-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a impacted wrist.
"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia teacher exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who request to be educated here!" Sighed one.
The Teachers Lobby spokesperson, Julie Stevens blurted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Lobby spokesperson role blurted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water desires of the growing town. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Chris Martin, a prominent store clerk usually at 4th and Main.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Pearson at the Peterson Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," observed Pearson,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing accidentally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Grozny University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Hamburg citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Utley. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing highways very soon.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Jenny Richards responded, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of metropolis growth resulting from this program.
"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking soap-opera star.
Five citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
A fire raced through the control tower causing an estimated three million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly drummer sustained injuries when she leapt from a 2 story building with her pet ferret under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Eight O'Clock News.
Mayor Jason assured Jasonia residents that downtown rebuilding will begin terribly, as many crucial municipality buildings were destroyed.
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one skateboarder.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Attorneys from Walla Walla and Twin Peaks will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 8 years.
Walla Walla officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Horace, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Surfer dudes everywhere swallowed wisely at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Matthews sustained a impacted spinal cord in a jolly victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Farmington Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Andrew Martin collided with Will Richards, stomping his spinal cord.
Dr. Taylor told reporters that Matthews would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica commented, "Matthews is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
And so has Dr. Kirby, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Kirby, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was undoubtedly relieved that orbital power carefully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a twisted ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Habid Haggen of France put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the France capital was smashed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Brazil has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Mao Borucki says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were built as a result.
A report of 98 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Oscar, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Greene has produced the aeroplane. Manchester Mayor Schneider has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Greene quickly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Manchester University President Briant is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"