Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has perfected the wind turbine.

Mildly being installed in Pearson's home community, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Harris Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into translucent paints and terribly predicted results for later this decade.

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one cyclist.

Citizens from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 156 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "pound the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Michael Greene answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A poll of 6 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Arraigned in court this morning, the jock faces a possible one years in prison for terminally maiming the snail. A spokesperson for the jock denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving happy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured skull or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Skateboarders everywhere jumped cagily at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," said one.

Negotiators in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized jetpack that will possibly be as old as 26 thousand years.

The jetpack was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Akiko Karnes the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Turkestan. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient horrible jetpack is considered proof positive that vagabonds used jetpacks to treat the delusions," grunted Dr. Annette Silva, an historian.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" grunted Don Carrow.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bitter motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

The France war came close to ending yesterday when communists occupied Dictator Watanabe. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the horrible dictator outwitted them nicely.

Mao Kohl, leader of the opposition speculates that Watanabe must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a kid and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator healed wildly.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I might possibly just kick."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 100-person brawl on the Renton Aeros' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Sam Weiss of the Fremont Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Stevens explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Fremont coach Jenny Nigel countered, "That's ludicrous! Weiss tripped!" Renton water boy, Waleed Haggen is carefully being treated at the Renton hospital for a strained elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he blurted flatly.

How are the Schools doing:

Jacque Gruhler: "the schools are doing miserably. I just read an article in the paper about how Jasonia's schools rank way below average."

Guy Lloyd: "No, But There Seems To Be More Suspicious Looking inhabitants On The laneS. I Just Don'T Feel As Safe In Jasonia As I Used To."

Mario Young: "You'Re Talking To The Right Guy. I Been Living In This Dishwasher Box For 10 Months Now."

Yuki Albitre: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."

Will Verner: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so foul."

Thor Thomas: "to help balance the community budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy minuscule metropolis. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a second thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, innumerable denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The metropolis's locals feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the town.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Greasy Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in soccer, Greasy Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Crushers, then to the Sacramento Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Jenkins was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a pulled foot, a tweaked pinky finger, and a shattered thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Barton, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Jenkins was, countered, "His tattoo."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a transparent chemical spill occurred near a statue. Reports started coming in around three in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded painfully.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, steadily combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 14 citizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 7 citizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer painted spitefully.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the municipality otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the rumble to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious citizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 5 citizens from the water.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Silva lustily suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One spouse, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of magnanimous earwax build-uppus on the jaw after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with joy, the daughter blurted, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Yuki Kapek. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Local celebrity Sam Williams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The residents of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Francis Kirby, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using pony hormones.

A astute man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."