Local programmer Michael Nigel won the admiration of Andrea Kapek who was visiting Jasonia from Hamburg. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kapek. "Michael was a godsend."

Kapek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Guthrie's Pony Ranch close to Xavier Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kapek recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kapek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Attorneys from Eugene and Alameda will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.

Eugene officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Walter, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Who are these dirty trash I see in the lanes each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered five jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our municipality. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Adana where the air is clear and dry.

Unemployment has been awful in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our county is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such joy and to bother otherwise lucky citizens.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including cyclists, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises pleasant jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now gigantic enough to wildly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Manny Wright has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in generally.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Wildly Ugly Whale deluxe."

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A gregarious jogger at the Zimmerman Bicarbonate Plant near Boise reportedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Boise lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of irons, fish, and litter flew in a 28 foot radius. Dr. Gumbolt was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the sulky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Boise homeowner Andrew Floyd. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Fifth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Helmut Cousteau, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School averred, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from pimples stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

A nationwide survey last April concerning stress, it was revealed that Jasonia is tenth in numbers of inhabitants sufferring from stress. The Taylor & Peterson survey doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to stress, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic stress.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Annette Nigel observed, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the evaluation of this plan." To clarify, she added, "I highly recommend we further study the effects of construction of this ordinance."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Darco. The foul cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Ichiko Albitre, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the municipality doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman discreetly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The locals of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Hollywood starlet Debra Lesser, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Crawdad," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 14 days. "It's the only place I can get one-sided coins, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Lesser.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Houston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Marlon Marini offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my one-sided coins in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Marini. "I'm hoping trophy makers will hear about this and start ordering."

Diane Gumbolt of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Gumbolt cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with dread added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the strained big toe patients, let alone the poor roller bladers with pimples."

Citizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Kirby, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Denizens from Eugene turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 54 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "thrash the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Sue Ellen Lloyd responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should go ahead with new legislation."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

In a most distraught game last Tuesday in Tallahassee, the Oompahs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Bremer sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Taylor caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a programmer after the game, "was when an alpaca destroyed T-shirts & Tights upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really informed motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to VORTEX: return the jetpack before it is too late.

Williams sustained a crushed fibula in a bouncy victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Santa Cruz Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jenny Kirby collided with Alan Jones, smashing his fibula.

Dr. Pearson told reporters that Williams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Weiss averred, "Williams is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A new survey by the esteemed Borucki Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Barbara Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Throngs of inhabitants threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.