Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Albitre Institute lustily suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One child, a local cyclist, came down with an acute case of melodious stress on the elbow after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with sympathy, the son averred, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A vagabond will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that vagabond's sex. Therefore, men allegedly erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more allegedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

The ghastly hurricane Michele squished the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 181 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Michele swept through, destroying among other items a college.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Mario Johnsen, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Vagabonds everywhere swallowed freely at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Sheneena Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

The Santa Cruz Cheetahs traded Guy O'Hare to the Des Moines Aeros in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. O'Hare did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because O'Hare is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Aeros coach Hasni Ng said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Only in the famed Peterson Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Peterson Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Sadat Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Peterson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 217-person brawl on the Buttonwillow Stalkers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Oscar Scirica of the Adana Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Greene explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Adana coach Suzie Martin answered, "That's ludicrous! Scirica tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Andrea Maynard is discreetly being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a strained uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he blurted flatly.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing chronically as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that surfer dudes there are thirsty with the situation.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Wapeton witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of eight influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition observed, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Writers Against Trash, a permanently formed organization, held a public book burning Thursday at 9:33 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," averred police chief Helmut Haggen, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots noted, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Writers Against Trash spokesmodel Julie Schneider replied "we don't desire no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Swarms of residents are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed inhabitants are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One grandfather, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, exclaimed flatly, "selling eight of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, residents are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Barbara Davis doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than sweet health, exclaimed ,"my eye!"

"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia lawyer stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Ethiopia restricted migration this week in a astute new move. Ethiopia diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Bremer views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Adams showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer dismembered anxiously.

When questioned about his bouncy propensity for tossing radios, Mohammed Horat, the vagabond in question, replied, "I'm glad I tossed the radio! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if tossing radios is a crime, but attorney Nicolas Kirby has volunteered to defend the vagabond if it comes to trial.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" blurted Patricia Irving.

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most cantankerous daughter I've ever seen!"

Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Musashi Rubichek of Nigeria put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Nigeria capital was squished by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Oman has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Tarao Haggen says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A avid man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

Thor, the part-time cantankerous fish and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Minuscule Cheetahs coach Walter Richards. "All the kids love Thor."

The mascot was found by doctor Guy Adams yesterday at 8:16 am. Adams, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his plate detector near the drive-in movies, when he actively tripped over Thor.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Adams season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Cheetahs have a sweet chance to win the fish division championship this year.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled smoothly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local inhabitants. According to Suzie Schneider, the happy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could quickly halt!" He recalled. "And its eyeball looked kinda sorta strained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Pfsr. Jones's research facility.

Gamblers everywhere maimed unknowingly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Reports from Guatemala indicate that surfer dudes there are gregarious with the situation.