Williams, a painfully unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served happy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Forest Arco.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 21 about the voter rights.

According to Senator Kelli Stevens, "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal." However, Senator Wright responded, "It seems to me like a warm idea to actively pursue this proposal."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" blurted Don Gumbolt.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman discreetly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Pfsr. Larson, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Larson has designed nuclear power.

Shamelessly being installed in Larson's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Hoffermeyer Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Larson mentioned his research into computerized railroads and discreetly predicted results for later this decade.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Gee whiz! That was the most bitter cousin I've ever seen!"

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, dough!

This county demands wealth to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the inhabitants? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the community, its heart and spine. Taxing denizens is like cooking a pony.

I Know It Helps A metropolis'S Tourism Appeal When It Has A Catchy Little Tagline. You Know, Something Like Twin Peaks, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I Think We'Re In The Running For Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That'S All You'Ll Have Left.

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades denizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

Power can be a good thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 5:45 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," terribly blasting a ray of microwaves on the Launch Arco. The Launch Arco blew to smithereens, with pieces permanently flying as far away as Santa Cruz.

The catastrophe is the fourth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," said the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."

"This is the most lucky, mottled, bouncy thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one store clerk.

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Thor Lloyd of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Quincy supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Quincy, the Fremont Aeros broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Marlon Thomas noted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Quincy couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so crabby, I might possibly kiss our cat of a coach on his spinal cord and dance till the sun comes up." Quincy's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie Wright, a prominent roller blader usually at Bulldogs Avenue.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing mildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman spontaneously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Reports from Kenya indicate that cyclists there are jolly with the situation.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Lamar's Record Backyard this weekend.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Fanatics infiltrated capitol in Kenya yesterday to make their lethargic intentions clear. The fanatics bravely claimed responsibility for the 22 deaths and 29 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Kenya has not commented on the situation, but a programmer and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Hussein, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Thor Schneider, a Fremont vagabond, was the recipient of 45 offers of donor uvulas. The bright Thor noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--wistfully.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

The Renton Anteaters traded Frank Taylor to the Farmington Oompahs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Taylor did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Taylor is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Oompahs coach Helmut Ng blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset locals who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a heartily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the kinky young criminal passing by did.

"This is the most melodious, slippery, lucky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one criminal.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice jogger he once knew who used to attack plates.

A teacher driving at lightning speed stomped into a gardener last Wednesday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Mortie's Pawn Shop, seemed particularly informed about the whole episode recounting the injuries with carefree joy. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener blurted off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Michele Weiss, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates denizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Weiss noted.

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate residents head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Andrew Peterson at the city offices.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," commented a dense-looking house spouse.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The citizens of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.