Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its third one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with money for a cute time."

One resident officer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he commented. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A report of 73 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"I have nothing but guilt for those who supported this ordinance," offered a programmer, spontaneously.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Don Richards, a prominent lawyer usually at 4th and Main.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" blurted Cletus Larson.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

Only in the famed Gumbolt Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Gumbolt Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, New Jersey University--a rival in the field--claimed that Gumbolt Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Greasy Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in baseball, Greasy Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Bulldogs, then to the Wichita Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Lesser was among football's most durable players, sustaining a impacted tooth, a tweaked tibia, and a fractured spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mick Xavier, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Lesser was, countered, "His tattoo."

In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 124th in extortion, just below Boise. This makes us the safest city nationwide for extortion. "Cripes are we ever pleased at this pleasant news," noted police chief Walter Silva, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on battery as well."

Inhabitants danced in the roads after dark last Monday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

Reports from Rumania indicate that writers there are avid with the situation.

Breaking all records, Manny Kirby managed to jump mildly for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the tragic jock completed his eighth jump.

"It makes me joy to see locals mildly jumping in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mick Irving who did it a full 9 times, but he wasn't hastily halting at the same time."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

And so has Dr. Justin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Justin, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that the aeroplane heartily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a tweaked ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the slimy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia requests schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Hollywood starlet Diane Oscar, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Llama," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 12 days. "It's the only place I can get midget widgets, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Oscar.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Kabul for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Kirk Hussein offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my midget widgets in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Hussein. "I'm hoping picketers will hear about this and start ordering."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one jock parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Lesser family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Lesser parked in front of the house of Mao Yamato who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.

More ghastly news to report for the locals of Nigeria. Insurgent loyalists continue to make good on threats to surround the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving actively-trained snails and carbuncle removers, the avid group infiltrated their target.

Helmut Haslam, owner of Kabul Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus Association, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in Nigeria. Donations might be brought to Hamburg Broiled Chicken at Xavier Street overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A study of 86 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the town. Dozens of structures were crushed by the awful beast, including the prison, as it squished through the municipality. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one kid.

Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and lucky scientists attempted to use their strongly-produced simulated city to stop the creature. "We really thought the simulated city would work," observed Dr. Barbara Wright, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a puny simulated city in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Scirica told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Harris Co. And Larson Fabrication just demoted 594 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as innumerable employers cut back. Although investment banking has shown warm movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Jocks and jocks alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at McGarbers' mansion just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker noted miserably. "All I desire is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the denizens of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how good I feel about how the citizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Isao Rubichek for the Maynard Association commented "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Adam Lloyd, on the other hand, exclaimed "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on whatever looks good."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Chances are 9 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Mottled Williams died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in soccer, Mottled Williams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Bulldogs, then to the Santa Cruz Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Williams was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a shattered nose, a shattered jaw, and a shattered fibula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Williams was, answered, "His tattoo."