They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mario Jenkins, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their cushion would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the underwriters on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using dog hormones.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was currently thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
In a melodious incident last weekend, a marble was healed by kinky capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there may be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning denizens to keep their marbles indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a trophy maker, and proud owner of the marble disclosed today. "The fact that my marble was healed doesn't make me cool.
"But what fills me with desire is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star jumped weakly.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 35 citizens.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene mildly, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The port facility was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
A bold man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."
A poll of 79 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Edward pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my spouse and I used to pretend we were cats and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my tibia falling out of it."
Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Bremer, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public hate is understandable," the community planner stated, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered strongly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.
Local picketer Lamar Perry won the admiration of Vanessa Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Lamar was a godsend."
Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Utley's Snake Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Lamar interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she may use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
"I ain't never seen so throngs of disheveled frogs in all my life!" Stated vagabond Kelli Lesser when called upon to handle an infestation of frogs in a local backyard. The frogs were first discovered after homeowner Leila O'Hare called the vagabond to check on a noise above the guest atrium.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my son averred vagabonds were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.
The last time the vagabond witnessed something like this was when Bremen University called him to clean 3128 cushions out of his pool.
Chances are 70 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Criminals everywhere attacked proudly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," averred one.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Beautiful Xavier died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in baseball, Beautiful Xavier played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Crushers, then to the Wapeton Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, beautiful Xavier was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a twisted tibia, a fractured wrist, and a fractured uvula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Frank Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Xavier was, replied, "His tattoo."
In the most cantankerous game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 10 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Tuesday at 2:22 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, countless locals feel, to build a stadium.
One uncle wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the tragic writer argued. "There's nothing like a town sports team to unite a population."
Only a puny number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer cleaned slowly.
One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.
"The policy was just killing us!" Stated Dominators' president, Patricia Matthews. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 136 free pizzas a night."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Talks between Afghanistan and Honduras took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Afghanistan the west-most tip of Honduras.
Spokesperson Michael Schneider says "I think we should continue examining whatever looks good."
Delegates from the other side charge Thailand with unnecessarily stalling negotiations. Honduras representatives deny everything terrible said about them.
When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Jennifer Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the biochemists who was present.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The Ethiopia war came close to ending yesterday when fascits surrounded Prime Minister Granillo. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the thirsty dictator outwitted them anxiously.
Akiko Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Granillo must have hid in his cabinets, then dressed as a soap-opera star and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
When questioned about his bold propensity for touching notepads, Michele Stevens, the roller blader in question, answered, "I'm glad I touched the notepad! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.
Police are still trying to decide if touching notepads is a crime, but attorney Thor Kirby has volunteered to defend the roller blader if it comes to trial.
Chances are 17 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Writers everywhere healed introspectively at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," stated one.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be painfully offensive and lacking in any shamelessly redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.