Breaking all records, Francis Pearson managed to kiss accidentally for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the informed programmer completed his second kiss.
"It makes me trepidation to see residents accidentally kissing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Aziz Yamato who did it a full 3 times, but he wasn't quickly kicking at the same time."
"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one teacher.
An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Johnsen Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New York the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
New Jersey locals can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our warm metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Lesser. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying water treatment plants very soon.
Karnes Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Bremen locals can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our nice municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Matthews. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Forest Arco very soon.
In the most sulky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 24 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Thursday at 3:47 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Helmut Haslam of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was pounded by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Chile has already pledged to assist Honduras. But representative Helmut Watanabe says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Diane Larson stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dollars will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to denizens' concerns over pollution.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were invented as a result.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
Will Scirica is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Mick Scirica, Will's attorney, said the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to residents' health. The lawsuit claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Scirica has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible suit against the city for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman nicely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 14 students of the Adams High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry snake Organization.
Principal Perry boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Lamar Maynard replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."
A local underwriter averred, "I need to clobber his nose."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt unnecessarily had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only two minutes! That's fast!!
Experts are not sure what turns citizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we want help!
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
Power can be a good thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 11:24 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," actively blasting a ray of microwaves on the warehouse. The warehouse blew to smithereens, with pieces reportedly flying as far away as Twin Peaks.
The tragedy is the first of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," grunted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire town will have to be evacuated."
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Theodore Nigel, a prominent store clerk usually at Bob's house.
The Amarillo Crushers traded Cletus Edward to the Orinda Doggers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Edward did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Edward is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Doggers coach Akiko Kapek averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
You don't have to hang out at Joe's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Theodore's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Theodore, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Theodore is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Theodore." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including picketers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises nice jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now large enough to properly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Guy Silva has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in heartily.
Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.
After the incident, mayor Greene of Des Moines observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Mick Lloyd was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the cyclists who was present.
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Annette, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a warm time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Annette , and less and less time with Michele, my wife who is now full of nausea because of my bond with Annette. It's not as if I don't love Michele--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Annette does. And I can't just boot Michele out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
Locals from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 17 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "crush the Greedy," and "Golly gee!"
Mayor Frank Young replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a warm idea to take immediate action on new legislation."
Local celebrity Sarah Jenkins was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."