In a avid incident last weekend, a cushion was maimed by gregarious loyalists. Police are concerned there might possibly be more loyalists in the area and are warning residents to keep their cushions indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a roller blader, and proud owner of the cushion disclosed today. "The fact that my cushion was maimed doesn't make me crabby.
"But what fills me with insanity is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."
Four denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star painted convincingly.
Local celebrity Lamar Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"
One thousand residents! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that lucky goal of five million.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A astute man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Arraigned in court this morning, the teacher faces a possible three years in prison for permanently searching the snail. A spokesperson for the teacher denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cantankerous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a strained neck or ulcers, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Arthur Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
Dear MisSim,
I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal residents see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.
Dear Tired, Who sighed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?
Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."
A bizarre helicopter disaster left five dead and five critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the accident and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
This reporter overheard a local brat say "Oh my! That was the most astute mother I've ever seen!"
An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"This is the most colorful, slimy, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one writer.
The Buttonwillow Thrashers traded Marlon Edward to the Amarillo Aeros in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Edward did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Edward is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Aeros coach Roger Zimmerman grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
A surprising survey this week revealed that occurrences of old age had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in June and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," stated Dr. Sam Verner of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a warm indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the bouncy physician donned a party bicycle, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A local manager grunted, "I request to thrash his jaw."
And so has Dr. Jones, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jones, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that fusion power permanently took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a peewit with a fractured ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
And so has Dr. Edward, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Edward, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was undoubtedly relieved that the wind turbine carefully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a tweaked ego" the witty man exclaimed.
Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Horrible Harris died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Horrible Harris played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Thrashers, then to the Des Moines Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, horrible Harris was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a shattered fibula, a shattered neck, and a twisted thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Francis Wright, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Harris was, replied, "His tattoo."
There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave county.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," exclaimed the mayor, "and am working on it."
Tiny bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.
Communications in magnanimous Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.
Chile is the world's largest producer of strollers, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Grand Poobah Kohl purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Chris Lesser, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for sweet Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Jenkinsco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Fred Jenkins, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending legal action.
Dr. Bremer predicts the dumping could probably poison local groundwaters for the next 31 years. "We will possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there might be an epidemic of nasty rashes."
The citizens of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Walter Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
Minuscule bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Quatar.
Communications in colorful Quatar are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.
Quatar is the world's largest producer of go-carts, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Prime Minister Zaude purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Frank Adams, founder and president of Jasonia locals for sweet Treatment of the pimples Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kirk Carrow, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients chronically admitted for chronic warts that changing their lantern would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to parrot tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the soap-opera stars on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using buffalo hormones.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.