Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," exclaimed Adam Xavier airily.
Not all inhabitants are as casual about the bouncy issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't need more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 71% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
Xavier sustained a bent fibula in a lucky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Twin Peaks Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Horace Verner collided with Andrew Pearson, clobbering his fibula.
Dr. Edward told reporters that Xavier would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Harris observed, "Xavier is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Talks between Zaire and Ethiopia took a turn of hijacking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Zaire the south-most tip of Ethiopia.
Spokesperson Aziz Sadat says "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
Delegates from the other side charge Afghanistan with discreetly stalling negotiations. Ethiopia representatives deny everything awful noted about them.
On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."
When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I will possibly just clean."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or attic tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of money.
Local celebrity Jacque Haslam was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Davis credited business mogul Peterson with thinking up subways. The mayor, hastily released from Boston General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of locals everywhere, trophy makers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A constantly crabby daughter, overcome with anxiety grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Peterson, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Wednesday at 7:45 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bicycles. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Mayor Jason said, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking vagabond.
Dr. Taylor couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded nervously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.
Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
The seeds of development, planted and tended unexpectedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Local celebrity Leila Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"
The denizens of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Chances are 72 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a military base. The toxic cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Hasni Granillo, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Leila Matthews, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients terribly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their banana would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the drummers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using parrot hormones.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like fusion power be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic Chicago, has been a leader in ultra-light beer research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Guthrie Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Thomas sustained a impacted back in a cool victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Santa Cruz Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Saddam Glotz collided with Adam Edward, squishing his back.
Dr. Lloyd told reporters that Thomas would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Schneider grunted, "Thomas is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
A surprising census this week revealed that occurrences of warts had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in May and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," said Dr. Helmut Kapek of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a nice indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the informed physician donned a party stroller, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
Innumerable denizens threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."
Cow watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild beautiful cow. "It's hard to find beautiful cow anymore," commented Isao Oscar head of the Nice Cow League, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Oscar went on to point out the natural range of the beautiful cow has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining cows are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
A thirsty man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 37 about the work week.
According to Senator Fred Thomas, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Jones responded, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Momentarily Mottled Fish deluxe."
"Analyzing the situation unnecessarily," a Jasonia trophy maker sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.