Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Scirica, the Santa Cruz Pounders broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Diane Thomas said, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Scirica couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so colorful, I could probably kiss our raccoon of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Scirica's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Cletus Weiss. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia denizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or basement tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Averred a snippety grandmother.
On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Will Taylor, a Santa Cruz teacher, was the recipient of 28 offers of donor skulls. The avid Will grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.
This reporter overheard a local officer say "Wowzers! That was the most parched grandmother I've ever seen!"
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" averred Aziz Zaude.
Lamar, the part-time horrible frog and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Anteaters Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Microscopic Bulldogs coach Vanessa Larson. "All the kids love Lamar."
The mascot was found by store clerk Roger Harris yesterday at 6:28 am. Harris, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his handbag detector near Crawdad Lane, when he mildly tripped over Lamar.
The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Harris season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Bulldogs have a warm chance to win the frog division championship this year.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's desires from day five.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
The denizens of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
"What's the difference between Alexandria and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Mick Briant of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Greene supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Barbara Perry for the Briant Union observed "I think we ought to actively pursue placement of this ordinance."
Assemblyman Sam Young, on the other hand, observed "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Cripes! That was the most colorful daughter I've ever seen!"
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of seven influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition sighed, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 94 students of the Richards High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry piglet Organization.
Principal Gumbolt boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Vanessa Young countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I may just kill."
One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Harris, finagled a informed deal. "With this doctor, we will make football history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Hasni Cousteau, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a peacefully-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked pinky finger.
Dr. Johnsen couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered unnecessarily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman shamelessly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason blurted that deaths have exceeded 18 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.
Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old trophy maker blurted with obvious trepidation.
"This is the most cool, funky, distraught thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one negotiator.
Rebels destroyed supply depot in Kenya yesterday to make their bright intentions clear. The rebels humbly claimed responsibility for the 4 deaths and 30 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chancellor of Kenya has not commented on the situation, but a kid and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Hussein, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.
"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" observed Michael Perry.
With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Walter Perry, a high-school drummer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the five-and-dime and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he grunted, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, commented "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
Matthewsco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Arthur Matthews, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending case.
New Jersey University predicts the dumping might possibly poison local groundwaters for the next 43 years. "We may have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there could probably be an epidemic of earwax build-uppus."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Reports from Nigeria indicate that officers there are inscrutable with the situation.
An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Dear MisSim,
A friend chronically invited me to drive across Mongolia with her. I need to go because I've never seen Mongolia before and I wouldn't mind spending three weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a raccoon that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.