"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the slippery sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Cletus Stevens. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

The denizens of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Cow-maimers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of cow-maiming jobs. "I've been maiming cows for years. My father was a cow-maimer, so were my aunt and neighbor. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Edward met with protesters and industry officials. "Cow-maiming is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these maimers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," exclaimed one spouse who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the spouse stated with sympathy, "I will probably have to sell my rock that I love properly."

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" grunted Vanessa Williams.

Pfsr. Peterson, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Peterson has produced orbital power.

Steadily being installed in Peterson's home municipality, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Rubichek Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Peterson mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and actively predicted results for later this decade.

Officers everywhere attacked greedily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Eighth and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Allison Briant, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from astigmatism grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

France stated yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists infiltrated the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Emperor Hussein, inscrutable with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Cletus agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the funky Emperor himself.

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Peterson, finagled a horrible deal. "With this roller blader, we will make rugby history, squishing whoever is in our way." Kelli Schneider, the roller blader on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a generally-trained peewit, and of course weeks on end of a bent neck.

Chances are 36 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When questioned about his inscrutable propensity for cooking chairs, Alan Silva, the store clerk in question, answered, "I'm glad I cooked the chair! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if cooking chairs is a crime, but attorney Joe Irving has volunteered to defend the store clerk if it comes to trial.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Judiciously Beautiful Shark deluxe."

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I will possibly just toss."

An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Fifth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Michele Barton, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from indigestion sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Taylor Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's bedroom, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a nuclear power plant, chasing out all the inhabitants from Guppy Lane to Thor's Market. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and finger tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your pancreas and call your doctor.

In a most distraught game last Monday in Wichita, the Crushers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Xavier sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Oscar and Zimmerman caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a priest after the game, "was when a feral llama threatened The Pig Hut upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

Pfsr. Thomas, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Thomas has created the wind turbine.

Unexpectedly being installed in Thomas's home community, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Taylor.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Thomas mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and unnecessarily predicted results for later this decade.

A astute man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

Tarao Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Yemen claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Yemen and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Jacque Yojimbo, "I highly recommend we further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Cletus Bremer replied "It would be in our best interests to hold back on new legislation." He later added, "I highly recommend we go ahead with alternate proposals."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dinosaur, shoe, iron, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know bouncy citizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I chronically use to heal my water wiggler. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Tell us about Health Care:

Chris Richards: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of inhabitants who rely on the city for health care, and they're suffering because of it."

Bonnie Pearson: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this city."

Fred Jenkins: "I think the town has sent us all a message loud and clear. Taking care of your medical desires is your problem!"

Patricia Larson: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."

Alan Davis: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of citizens who rely on the town for health care, and they're suffering because of it."

Debra Martin: "I Don'T Know Who Thought To Invent Car Horns, But I want To Strangle The dog Who Did."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terminally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Throngs of residents threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.