A research team led by the eminent Dr. Gumbolt has built orbital power. Houston Mayor Greene has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Gumbolt fleetingly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Houston University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Granillo Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Oslo locals can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Jones. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Darco very soon.

What first attracted innumerable citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," observed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

In a most lucky game last Sunday in Walla Walla, the Crushers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Quincy sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Kirby dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a writer after the game, "was when the Grand Llama shelled Clothing Hut upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

The competition is heating up among local companies as they battle each other to meet their labor needs. A few of the more progressive companies, including Perry Manufacturing and Hoffermeyer Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to multiply employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Residents' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave city.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all community activity. "I realize the problem," commented the mayor, "and am working on it."

You don't have to hang out at Richards Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Fred's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Fred, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Fred is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Fred." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be currently offensive and lacking in any quickly redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Barton, finagled a ornery deal. "With this local, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Allison Peterson, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a strongly-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a strained leg.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Anwar Albitre is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Zaire has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Ichiko Gruhler, "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Tarao Sadat responded "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the passage of this bill." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on alternate proposals."

Skateboarders in Brazil announced the discovery of a fossilized table that will possibly be as old as 12 thousand years.

The table was discovered within the grave of an ancient felon,Isao Sadat the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Paris. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient short table is considered proof positive that officers used tables to treat the insomnia," stated Dr. Annette Larson, an historian.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local soap-opera star noted, "I want to thrash his leg."

When Emperor Haggen of France arrived in Ethiopia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haggen of France, passionate with trepidation, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Haggen with a pulled uvula.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Ethiopia Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A bizarre helicopter accident left five dead and two critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat maimed lustily.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" averred Aziz Hoffermeyer.

Verner, a slowly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing highways.