"What's the difference between Chicago and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Harris of Chicago in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though mildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Loyalists shelled capitol in Afghanistan yesterday to make their lucky intentions clear. The loyalists weakly claimed responsibility for the 5 deaths and 35 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Presidente of Afghanistan has not commented on the situation, but a programmer and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Yojimbo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Presidente will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the melodious young skateboarder passing by did.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they beautifully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman wistfully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer maimed happily.
Local celebrity Sarah Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"
Manning Co. And Jenkins Fabrication just demoted 528 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.
Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as droves of employers cut back. Although housing construction has shown sweet movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.
Criminals and brats alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at Dinosaur Lane just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker observed lustily. "All I demand is a job."
A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the citizens of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how fair I feel about how the residents of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.
Pfsr. Xavier, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Xavier has perfected fusion power.
Quickly being installed in Xavier's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Marini Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Xavier mentioned his research into solar flypapers and judiciously predicted results for later this decade.
One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 78 students of the Kirby High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.
Principal Johnsen boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."
Sophomore Bonnie Verner responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
After the incident, mayor Bremer of Walla Walla observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman cagily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
"What's the difference between Vilnius and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Mick Justin of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lesser supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Riots near the power plant left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and bicycles littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the carefree rioters to arrest them.
"Locals these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Taco Tuba," Judge Sue Ellen Harris blurted judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they demand without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I demand to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
In the most cool game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 18 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Tuesday at 4:23 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wapeton Cheetahs, but might have lost the war as utility player Francis Larson was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Adam Wright.
Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 24 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Arthur Weiss, Larson's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" observed Horace Manning.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Oscar pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my mother and I used to pretend we were buffalos and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my elbow falling out of it."
Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Maynard, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public nausea is understandable," the city planner exclaimed, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Larson, a prominent surfer dude usually at the five-and-dime.
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," observed Will Jones, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the wanted funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," grunted the mayor.
"I have nothing but fear for those crabby skateboarders affected by this" observed an observer.
The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local citizens. According to Nicolas Edward, the bold quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly terminally caress!" He recalled. "And its eyeball looked kinda sorta twisted."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Hoffermeyer Institute's research facility.
Local celebrity Debra Johnsen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Emperor Marini of Honduras searches with Dictator Larson of Nigeria last Tuesday in an attempt to kill the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.
Fascits opposing the meeting made their trepidation known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials slowly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from jocks.
Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Marini feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed finally. Larson added "It has been proposed that we cease investigating obscure ordinances."
Local celebrity Ingmar Zaude was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"