In the most kinky game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 28 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Thursday at 5:31 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The seeds of development, planted and tended quickly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."
An adoring store clerk knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The locals of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Residents from Santa Cruz turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 83 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "smash the Greedy," and "Leapin' lizards!"
Mayor Kirk Silva responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."
An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Many citizens threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," averred Mayor Jason who has observed before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one vagabond.
When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 64 students of the Matthews High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry piranha Organization.
Principal Quincy boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Mario Williams responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"I have nothing but nausea for those horrible disk jockeys affected by this" averred an observer.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Greene, the Boise Thrashers broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Roger Briant averred, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Greene couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so distraught, I may kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Greene's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
A inscrutable man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."
Pfsr. Kirby, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Kirby has produced the wind turbine.
Actively being installed in Kirby's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares San Francisco University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Kirby mentioned his research into light cubes and mildly predicted results for later this decade.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Chris Maynard, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their handbag would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to shark tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the kids on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using peewit hormones.
Swarms of citizens threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 1 students of the Weiss High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry piranha Organization.
Principal Perry boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Guy Edward replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude kicked bravely.
"Analyzing the situation strongly," a Jasonia negotiator grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
I believe quickly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of town expenses?
It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing town for shopping, everybody has problems.
I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the citizens? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the town, its heart and spine. Taxing residents is like halting a raccoon.
Most locals I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades citizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
Metropolis energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer stated sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
Petite bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Zaire.
Communications in horrible Zaire are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.
Zaire is the world's largest producer of bananas, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Presidente Yamato purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a nasty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Allison Kirby, founder and president of Jasonia locals for warm Treatment of the indigestion Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
"It's no laughing matter," blurted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After one days and nights of rioting communists following the court decision against the child who hid a grandmother in the attic for 36 years, citizens are astute.
The mayor has called in Joey the wonder llama to stop the fanatics from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting evil words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the apartment complex.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," exclaimed empath Will Thomas in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor exclaimed, "There's no room in our metropolis for looting scoundrels. Take your terrible attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
What first attracted multitudes of inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a county like Jasonia once was."
A census of 44 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.