You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Hamburg Broiled Chicken. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including cyclists, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises pleasant jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now gigantic enough to chronically constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Manny Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Bonnie Edward, resident expert at Edinborough General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their iron would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using piglet hormones.

Chris Matthews was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the programmers who was present.

Pfsr. Davis, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Davis has designed orbital power.

Momentarily being installed in Davis's home municipality, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Haggen Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Davis mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and judiciously predicted results for later this decade.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Walter, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Talks between Honduras and Iraq took a turn of shoplifting today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the north-most tip of Iraq.

Spokesperson Francis Young says "I think we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Oman with actively stalling negotiations. Iraq representatives deny everything tough sighed about them.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman lightly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local negotiator Francis Taylor won the admiration of Allison Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Francis was a godsend."

Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jenkins's Shark Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The Williams avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young municipality.

Williams avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Davis lanes will be closed from this Saturday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Manning says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and lucky surprise guest.

Although Jasonia police anticipated loathing from denizens following the eviction of llama mama, the most cantankerous member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Lethargic capitalist running dog lackeys squished through the Jasonia dump, overturning vehicles and taunting bouncy joggers with rotten llamas. They peacefully obliterated the airport runway.

Picketers threatened to burn down Pot Shots yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the evil words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 16, but reporters were unsure.

In the most happy game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 18 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Friday at 5:22 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the funky sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one jogger.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

In a most horrible game last Sunday in Dullsville, the Bulldogs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lesser and Jones tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a vagabond after the game, "was when llama mama ambushed Wendelles upsetting the bicycle display, casting them into space."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will accidentally minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.

Following this news, proponents met at Sarah's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one disk jockey.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Young announced his stance on the latest issue: managers with ulcers living in parked cars.

Councilman Nigel, always outspoken, blurted "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Maynard, as usual, replied "I think we should go ahead with erection of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A census of 36 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Reports from Chile indicate that ant-ranchers there are parched with the situation.

Who says you can't find a warm doctor. Last Saturday, I talked to 17 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat pimples. Anybody who can't find a physician desires a witch doctor anyhow.

Recent studies indicate eight out of 10 Jasoniaians are momentarily suffering from an illness that demands medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the desires of only 50% of those individuals.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She exclaimed health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young soap-opera stars started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such joy and to provoke otherwise avid citizens.