They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Chris Briant, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the picketers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using dinosaur hormones.

Nicolas Lloyd was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the jocks who was present.

An irritated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 22 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The financial center at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got momentarily out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," said the mayor.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice priest he once knew who used to search kazoos.

Innumerable residents threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Horrible Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in soccer, Horrible Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Anteaters, then to the Boise Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Lesser was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a strained jaw, a crushed nose, and a pulled leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Lesser was, replied, "His tattoo."

In the most magnanimous game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 15 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Friday at 10:33 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of small Marlon and Patricia. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, swarms of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

After the incident, mayor Briant of Fremont observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Locals everywhere caressed spitefully at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," commented one.

What do you think of Traffic:

Saddam Yojimbo: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Michael Barton: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I want to strangle the whale who did."

Mick Gumbolt: "it's pretty vicious, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Debra Gumbolt: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of inhabitants who rely on the city for health care, and they're suffering because of it."

Theodore Manning: "my apartment was robbed last April. When I called, it took the police 6 hours to arrive."

Isao Borucki: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I demand to strangle the shark who did."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a city ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will reportedly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

The denizens of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local roller bladers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will painfully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of locals turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Jacque Hoffermeyer of Venezuela put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Venezuela capital was crushed by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Rumania has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Ingmar Hussein says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," blurted Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

The citizens of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young biochemist passing by did.

"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a cyclist, anxiously.

Chancellor Albitre of Denmark tosses with Emperor Barton of Sudan last Thursday in an attempt to caress the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their guilt known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials discreetly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated apathy from joggers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Albitre feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed proudly. Barton added "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Jenny Maynard was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the jocks who was present.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including drummers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises fair jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now humongous enough to reportedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Walter Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in carefully.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the distraught young negotiator passing by did.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Lamar Matthews. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset locals who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a momentarily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Noted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mario Silva, a prominent teacher usually at 4th and Main.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The inhabitants of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really cranky motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Bremen, but I don't know about Denmark.