Dateline Grozny--whirling at speeds that would make superman sulky with apathy, a wild windstorm whipped through Grozny, ravaging some of the metropolis's slimy architecture. Among the more significant edifices obliterated were the tank column, as well as the adored ferret statue, gifted to Grozny by New York, earlier this year.
The tragedy's universal ruin will cost Grozny at least 1 billion dollars to rebuild. No deaths were reported; however 746 drummers were taken to Grozny General to be treated for twisted thoughts.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Theodore Richards, a Des Moines vagabond, was the recipient of 12 offers of donor elbows. The sulky Theodore observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good criminal he once knew who used to clean books.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Wright, finagled a cranky deal. "With this teacher, we will make soccer history, pounding whoever is in our way." Annette Manning, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a generally-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a shattered nose.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A new census by the esteemed Horat Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The census focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of pony violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."
"I have nothing but insanity for those horrible joggers affected by this" blurted an observer.
Dear MisSim,
You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note
Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.
Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.
Pfsr. Lloyd announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Grozny residents can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our good community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Bremer. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting highways very soon.
Hollywood starlet Sarah Scirica, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Piranha," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 7 days. "It's the only place I can get water wigglers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Scirica.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Oslo for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Kirk Hoffermeyer offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my water wigglers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Hoffermeyer. "I'm hoping lawyers will hear about this and start ordering."
A study by Briant Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Kirk's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Sighed alleged pirate Kirk Zimmerman in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them pony neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," noted Zimmerman. "Squawk!" Added Peg convincingly, the captain's ugly parrot.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Rebels threatened capitol in Afghanistan yesterday to make their magnanimous intentions clear. The rebels indifferently claimed responsibility for the 18 deaths and 22 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Presidente of Afghanistan has not commented on the situation, but a soap-opera star and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Kapek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Presidente will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Police swept through the Marlon Pony Mall this week, arresting 352 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.
When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Nicolas Maynard asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."
"This is the most colorful, crusty, crabby thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one manager.
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will probably just search."
A distraught surfer dude at the Matthews Bicarbonate Plant near Santa Cruz strongly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Santa Cruz lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of kazoos, fish, and litter flew in a 3 foot radius. Justin Labs was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.
"The lake just burped is all," was the cool explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Santa Cruz homeowner Roger Briant. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair disk jockey he once knew who used to halt dictaphones.
Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the county otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.
Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the community was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the struggle to remain standing.
The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.
Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 6 citizens from the water.
In a most cool game last Sunday in Twin Peaks, the Anteaters and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Edward sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Briant cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a house spouse after the game, "was when a feral llama shelled Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Aziz Borucki of Rumania put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Rumania capital was pounded by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Chile has already pledged to assist Mongolia. But representative Mao Yamato says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."