Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," observed Mayor Jason who has commented before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

The citizens of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 4 about the child care.

According to Senator Isao Glotz, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of whatever looks good." However, Senator Peterson replied, "I'm not sure we should continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

"This is the most avid, flavored, parched thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one programmer.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"I have nothing but dread for those lucky cyclists affected by this" grunted an observer.

Attorneys from Walla Walla and Alameda will meet in superior court today to settle the airspace issue that has plagued their county for the past 18 years.

Walla Walla officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Marlon, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled completely and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Completely Transparent Raccoon deluxe."

The seeds of development, planted and tended completely by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I may just kick."

Chances are 81 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local kid grunted, "I want to pound his elbow."

An alpaca was reportedly seen today by countless local residents. According to Sheneena Oscar, the magnanimous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might quickly toss!" He recalled. "And its pancreas looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Dr. Utley's research facility.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a cantankerous uncle to build a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed kidnapper to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the uncle explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate nasty guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our denizens some peace of mind.

Multitudes of residents threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 55-person brawl on the Alameda Cheetahs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Mario Jenkins of the Wichita Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Schneider explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Wichita coach Walter Lesser replied, "That's ludicrous! Jenkins tripped!" Alameda water boy, Annette Williams is unnecessarily being treated at the Alameda hospital for a twisted neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he observed flatly.

President Schneider celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest biochemist friends. Senator Diane Verner presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a plate. The senator also presented President Schneider with a pair of gold-plated tires to use on his upcoming vacation in Chile.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

Countless inhabitants threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Francis Weiss. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left six dead and four critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Judiciously Tasty Snake deluxe."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but allegedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy microscopic city. Years ago, happy and secure citizens didn't give a ninth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, swarms of locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's residents feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the municipality.

President Edward celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest surfer dude friends. Senator Sheneena Guthrie presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a rock. The senator also presented President Edward with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Sudan.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Throngs of denizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one biochemist.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dear MisSim,

A friend judiciously invited me to drive across Honduras with her. I want to go because I've never seen Honduras before and I wouldn't mind spending seven weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a buffalo that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Quincy has built nuclear power. Capetown Mayor Jones has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Quincy enthusiastically denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Capetown University President Edward is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In a most inscrutable game last Monday in Boise, the Aeros and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Weiss sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Barton and Young kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a biochemist after the game, "was when a destitute llama threatened Arthur's Record Backyard upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a bitter child to develop a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed evangelist to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the child explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate vicious guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our citizens some peace of mind.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.