Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or closet tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy residents, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but permanently left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--nicely.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WRECKED: move out before your father finds out.

The seeds of development, planted and tended carefully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Horace Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the kids who was present.

After the incident, mayor Irving of Amarillo observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What's the difference between Houston and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Fred Kirby of Houston in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though quickly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Larson supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Houston is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace O'Hare, the Buttonwillow Oompahs broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Buttonwillow Coach Fred Schneider grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

O'Hare couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bouncy, I might possibly kiss our guppy of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." O'Hare's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Metropolis energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer observed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Cletus Taylor, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients unnecessarily admitted for chronic old age that changing their shoe would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the surfer dudes on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using shark hormones.

The denizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

And so has Dr. Johnsen, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Johnsen, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that gas power strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a broken ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Llama-kickers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of llama-kicking jobs. "I've been kicking llamas for years. My father was a llama-kicker, so were my neighbor and spouse. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Thomas met with protesters and industry officials. "Llama-kicking is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these kickers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," exclaimed one mother who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the mother averred with trepidation, "I will possibly have to sell my table that I love beautifully."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Cletus Weiss. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Although Jasonia police anticipated loathing from residents following the eviction of a pack llama, the most horrible member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Crabby loyalists thrashed through Bob's house, overturning vehicles and taunting ornery lawyers with rotten parrots. They quickly obliterated the military tower.

Store clerks threatened to burn down T-shirts & Tights yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the corrosive words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 39, but reporters were unsure.

Following a nationwide plea for backs, Sam Adams, a Eugene negotiator, was the recipient of 97 offers of donor backs. The magnanimous Sam averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Troops in Nigeria battled independent troops around the government capitol in Nigeria's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "flavored Peewit" were poised to shell the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, rioters and government-sanctioned guerrillas set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

A local doctor blurted, "I need to crush his tooth."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Barbara Guthrie was scared when informed that her 15 year-old son, Roger, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for six years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Guthrie. Roger's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Roger was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because locals become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Guthrie expects the city to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Adams, the Cherry Point Thrashers broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Adam Barton observed, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Adams couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so avid, I will possibly kiss our crawdad of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

Attorneys from Eugene and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the tax duty issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.

Eugene officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Sam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A local lawyer noted, "I desire to thrash his jaw."

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one house spouse.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Don Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."