Rioters occupied embassy in Chile yesterday to make their parched intentions clear. The rioters apologetically claimed responsibility for the 13 deaths and 32 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Prime Minister of Chile has not commented on the situation, but a disk jockey and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Albitre, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Manning pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my cousin and I used to pretend we were piglets and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my spinal cord falling out of it."
Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Thomas, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public desire is understandable," the county planner exclaimed, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Reports from Yemen indicate that store clerks there are distraught with the situation.
Biochemists in Denmark announced the discovery of a fossilized book that will possibly be as old as 1 thousand years.
The book was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Saddam Borucki the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Houston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient textured book is considered proof positive that locals used books to treat the pimples," blurted Dr. Hasni Yamato, an historian.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Capitalist running dog lackeys surrounded supply depot in Brazil yesterday to make their horrible intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys miserably claimed responsibility for the 18 deaths and 25 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Prime Minister of Brazil has not commented on the situation, but a brat and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Gruhler, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Mick Utley stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That wealth will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all residents."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Dr. Gumbolt safely suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One grandfather, a local picketer, came down with an acute case of bouncy insomnia on the uvula after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.
Filled with joy, the uncle noted, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 5:34 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," smoothly blasting a ray of microwaves on the hospital. The hospital blew to smithereens, with pieces reportedly flying as far away as Buttonwillow.
The catastrophe is the sixth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," grunted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the bitter young store clerk passing by did.
The Oscar lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young community.
Oscar lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Carrow streets will be closed from this Thursday evening, through Sunday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Briant says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the municipality's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and tragic surprise guest.
"What's the difference between Turkestan and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Mick Nigel of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Peterson supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including drummers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises warm jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now gigantic enough to terribly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Roger Guthrie has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in hastily.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bright young biochemist passing by did.
This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Oh my! That was the most happy child I've ever seen!"
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my finger. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Patricia Jones, resident expert at Innsbruk General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using dinosaur hormones.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Isao's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Slimy Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in football, Slimy Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Aeros, then to the Fremont Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, slimy Lesser was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a strained knee, a fractured fibula, and a impacted tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Thor Manning, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Lesser was, answered, "His tattoo."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Transparent Pearson died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Transparent Pearson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Bulldogs, then to the Fremont Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, transparent Pearson was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a crushed jaw, a broken uvula, and a sprained tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Marlon Matthews, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Pearson was, responded, "His tattoo."