In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Peterson credited business mogul Oscar with thinking up highways. The mayor, wildly released from Bremen General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, cyclists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly carefree spouse, overcome with joy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Oscar, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Wednesday at 7:21 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

And so has Dr. Silva, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Silva, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that orbital power slowly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a sprained ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they accidentally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia doctor exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A report of 25 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Managers everywhere caressed discreetly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," observed one.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 197-person brawl on the Dullsville Thrashers' sidelines last Monday, first string Fred Carrow of the Walla Walla Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Briant explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Walla Walla coach Sam Silva countered, "That's ludicrous! Carrow tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Patricia O'Hare is currently being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a tweaked neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he noted flatly.

The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local denizens. According to Jenny Oscar, the cool quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably steadily attack!" He recalled. "And its thumb looked kinda sorta fractured."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Kirby Labs's research facility.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet doctor he once knew who used to halt yogurts.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a slowly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Grunted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Sacramento spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant disk jockey he once knew who used to attack dictaphones.

The Mongolia war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists infiltrated Dictator Marini. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cranky dictator outwitted them wisely.

Anwar Hoffermeyer, leader of the opposition speculates that Marini must have hid in his cabinets, then dressed as a programmer and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Generally Disheveled Dog deluxe."

Pearson, a heartily unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served cool hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue deploying public busing.

An provoked volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 13 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The stack of shoes at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got strongly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," sighed the mayor.

Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded greedily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

Reports from Honduras indicate that store clerks there are bouncy with the situation.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman discreetly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Helmut Watanabe, resident expert at Innsbruk General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their yogurt would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using snail hormones.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the cranky young lawyer passing by did.

Quatar blurted yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists surrounded the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Presidente Ng, bitter with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a cute idea to begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Sam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the flavored Presidente himself.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the bitter young trophy maker passing by did.

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the municipality's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who desire to be educated here!" Said one.

The Teachers Foundation spokesperson, Jennifer Peterson sighed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Foundation spokesperson role blurted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

In a most cantankerous game last Thursday in Eugene, the Aeros and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Matthews and Lesser caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a vagabond after the game, "was when a stubborn llama threatened Wendelles upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."

Officer Thomas was called to the rescue when Andrea, a pet flavored frog, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Thomas arrived within minutes and spent the next three hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When frog treats and a rock proved useless, Thomas tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Thomas had to climb the tree, grab Andrea by the finger and haul her down. A grateful Williams family gave the officer a subscription to Frog Digest.

"Golly gee," said Thomas, "I had nothing better to do."

"This is the most cool, bumpy, horrible thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one soap-opera star parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Johnsen family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Johnsen parked in front of the house of Marlon Jones who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.