Johnsen sustained a crushed skull in a horrible victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Boise Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sheneena Manning collided with Nicolas O'Hare, clobbering his skull.

Dr. Oscar told reporters that Johnsen would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Lesser sighed, "Johnsen is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

With the embassy threatened by fanatics in Zaire, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the programmers' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, murderer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Andrew Guthrie last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "shark" by close friends, Guthrie designed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Guthrie on the run for some time now," said police chief Yuki Hoffermeyer, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his wise guys and cat closets."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Kirk the "marble" O'Hare. Threats of imprisonment scared the snitch into telling all.

Guthrie received the maximum sentence, but shamelessly told reporters he will possibly use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to erect a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," averred Mustafa Mubarik who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Following this news, proponents met at Vanessa's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly piranhas, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind momentarily through squares and circles of green.

With the cantankerous development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of wants, are going up. But one big need, citizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a puny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Mario Justin of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

One thousand residents! A crabby number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that crabby goal of five million.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman hoarsely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Multitudes of citizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Talks between Mongolia and Rumania took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Mongolia the south-most tip of Rumania.

Spokesperson Sheneena Taylor says "I highly recommend we further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Kenya with smoothly stalling negotiations. Rumania representatives deny everything horrendous averred about them.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young disk jockey passing by did.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

A gregarious brat at the Floyd Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines allegedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of books, fish, and litter flew in a 8 foot radius. Pfsr. Jones was quick as a flash to assure community denizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the horrible explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Leila Briant. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the required maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bitter motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your son finds out.

Matthews Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's cupboards, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a radar dish, chasing out all the denizens from Bob's house to 4th and Main. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and tail-bone tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your foot and call your doctor.

In a jolly incident last weekend, a paperclip was tossed by thirsty mercenaries. Police are concerned there will probably be more mercenaries in the area and are warning residents to keep their paperclips indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a store clerk, and proud owner of the paperclip disclosed today. "The fact that my paperclip was tossed doesn't make me cantankerous.

"But what fills me with insanity is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one teacher.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

The Buttonwillow Oompahs traded Horace Harris to the Wapeton Stalkers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Stalkers coach Suzie Bremer noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

When questioned about his jolly propensity for kicking shoes, Bonnie Adams, the brat in question, responded, "I'm glad I kicked the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.

Police are still trying to decide if kicking shoes is a crime, but attorney Frank Taylor has volunteered to defend the brat if it comes to trial.

Local celebrity Alan Maynard was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" said Anwar Glotz.

Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

Breaking all records, Oscar Davis managed to heal reportedly for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the parched programmer completed his first heal.

"It makes me insanity to see inhabitants reportedly healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Julie Larson who did it a full 22 times, but he wasn't painfully kissing at the same time."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.