Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the metropolis's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Commented one.

The Teachers Committee spokesperson, Akiko Watanabe noted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Committee spokesperson role noted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 62 about the voter rights.

According to Senator Suzie Weiss, "It has been proposed that we continue examining alternate proposals." However, Senator Maynard responded, "I think we should further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

"What's the difference between San Francisco and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Horace Davis of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though allegedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Kirby supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Pfsr. Floyd, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Floyd has created nuclear power.

Terribly being installed in Floyd's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Barton Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Floyd mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and unexpectedly predicted results for later this decade.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Diane Adams. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

The Wichita Cheetahs traded Don Silva to the Cherry Point Pounders in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Silva did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Silva is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Pounders coach Barbara Richards stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

In a report by the Power Commission, the Jasonia nuclear power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous report exclaimed, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a woolly llama equals 5 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after erection. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Hamburg University replied to the report saying, "Gadzooks! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Sulky investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to accidentally combust after 50 years.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Inhabitants' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave county.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," blurted the mayor, "and am working on it."

A new survey by the esteemed Houston University was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of leg control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia officer said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The citizens of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"This is the most lethargic, slippery, horrible thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one trophy maker.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 3 about the duck season.

According to Senator Patricia Johnsen, "I'm not sure we should continue examining whatever looks good." However, Senator Harris countered, "I highly recommend we cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" said Nicolas Perry.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer cleaned freely.

Six residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

The pollution in this county is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Charlie's Feed Store used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

I read a report that said defenestration is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Several gamblers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local celebrity Sheneena Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Greasy Irving died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in baseball, Greasy Irving played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Thrashers, then to the Adana Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Irving was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a impacted pancreas, a impacted finger, and a pulled foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Frank Edward, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Irving was, replied, "His tattoo."

And so has Dr. Lesser, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lesser, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that gas power peacefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a impacted ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Dallas University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Boston locals can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our sweet metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing desalinization plants very soon.