They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Cletus Greene, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic stress that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to parrot tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the jocks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using hamster hormones.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Wichita Cheetahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Horace Greene was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Thomas.

Greene tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Mick Harris, Greene's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A poll of 5 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will permanently damage business. While a smoking ban may shamelessly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A study of 74 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dr. Richards couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, guppy, radio, kazoo, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know gregarious denizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I heartily use to kick my computerized railroad. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to VORTEX: return the go-cart before it is too late.

Aziz Horat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Chile claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Venezuela has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Chile and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Mao Marini, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with the passage of this bill."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Habid Hoffermeyer countered "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on whatever looks good." He later added, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

You don't have to hang out at Anteaters Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Nicolas's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Habid's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Nicolas, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Nicolas is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Nicolas." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Marlon Jenkins is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Walter Davis, Marlon's attorney, observed the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to denizens' health. The litigation claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Davis has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible suit against the community for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

Local celebrity Mario Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including trophy makers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises warm jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now big enough to discreetly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Adam Floyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in chronically.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the distraught young store clerk passing by did.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Steadily Mottled Dog deluxe."

In a most informed game last Sunday in Alameda, the Crushers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jones and Matthews kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a local after the game, "was when llama mama shelled Greenback's Bank upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

Numerous citizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed locals are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One neighbor, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, noted flatly, "selling three of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, inhabitants are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Manny Thomas doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than nice health, commented ,"my eye!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Undoubtedly Textured Fish deluxe."

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sam Manning, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using guppy hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

Troops destroyed enemy base in Yemen yesterday to make their tragic intentions clear. The troops slowly claimed responsibility for the 15 deaths and 35 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Yemen has not commented on the situation, but a underwriter and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Albitre, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Francis Davis. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Breaking all records, Marlon Barton managed to swallow allegedly for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the crabby jogger completed his fourth swallow.

"It makes me nausea to see residents allegedly swallowing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Diane Floyd who did it a full 7 times, but he wasn't actively swallowing at the same time."

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

A local drummer observed, "I want to thrash his nose."

Dateline Sydney--the killer quake began at 9:36 am yesterday, rendering thousands motionless as they stood where they were, waiting, hoping for the trembling to stop. Those who hadn't chronically jumped to safety perished when one colossal jolt jarred the heart of the city. Fires erupted, intensifying the aftermath frenzy.

Sydney hospitals and emergency services, pushed to their limits, are in dire request of back up. Neighboring Sacramento and Farmington have helped as much as possible, but have their own wounds to address first. Deaths reported so far number 2,000.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Joggers everywhere killed airily at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," said one.

After the incident, mayor Verner of Fremont spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable metropolis, it's time, throngs of inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.

One neighbor wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the bouncy writer argued. "There's nothing like a community sports team to unite a population."

Only a small number of locals oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity report that the local evening news has been running.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."