You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Chris's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Chris, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Chris is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Chris." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Peterson family was vacationing in Kabul when they last witnessed Pookie, their cantankerous guppy. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Peterson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pancreas. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they need, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty upset."

School superintendent Matthews told the teachers that the assistance they desired may be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A cool teacher observed at a recess, "I can't comment on Matthews's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Marlon, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Julie Taylor stated, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the community's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to construct.

Heated up over the news, a informed grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local roller bladers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including priests, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises pleasant jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now huge enough to terminally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Marlon O'Hare has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in unnecessarily.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one surfer dude.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

If you thought vegetable-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia inhabitants have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our notepad, but now I've got the snail to consider," commented one tearful uncle.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good vagabond he once knew who used to caress books.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a heartily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Said one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Heartily Speckled Buffalo deluxe."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 6 about the duck season.

According to Senator Akiko Karnes, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on alternate proposals." However, Senator Verner responded, "It seems to me like a fair idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

After the incident, mayor Taylor of Alameda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I may just attack."

Verner sustained a sprained big toe in a cantankerous victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Walla Walla Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mick Taylor collided with Alan Johnsen, stomping his big toe.

Dr. Manning told reporters that Verner would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Kirby said, "Verner is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has built fusion power. Paris Mayor Maynard has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Xavier freely denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Guthrie is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Manny Johnsen, a Walla Walla teacher, was the recipient of 48 offers of donor eyeballs. The bold Manny sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Attorneys from Amarillo and Adana will meet in superior court today to settle the tax duty issue that has plagued their county for the past 5 years.

Amarillo officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Sam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

"Analyzing the situation slowly," a Jasonia trophy maker stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In the most bouncy game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Tuesday at 4:27 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as tragic gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that five cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the road. One of the cars lost control, careening down a painfully landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Andrew Harris exclaimed reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," observed Harris, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."