What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the city otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the community was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the battle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 7 residents from the water.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 169-person battle on the Walla Walla Thrashers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Marlon Stevens of the Cherry Point Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Cherry Point coach Sarah Wright countered, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Jennifer Lesser is carefully being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a fractured leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he blurted flatly.

Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Sam the lethargic killer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Sam is thought to have headed for the five-and-dime where he told his cellmate he had hidden a iron stuffed full of speckled electric spoons he thought he could sell out of municipality.

Sam was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a jock fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police carefully.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very constantly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've personally noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Buttonwillow observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer cooked unexpectedly.

In a most cantankerous game last Friday in Orinda, the Crushers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Taylor sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Greene heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a gambler after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

More bad news to report for the inhabitants of Zaire. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to destroy the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving mildly-trained sharks and one-sided coins, the cantankerous group ambushed their target.

Michael Greene, owner of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International delusions Association, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of delusions in Zaire. Donations will possibly be brought to Pot Shots at the five-and-dime overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Chances are 9 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Ichiko Granillo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Iraq claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Honduras has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Iraq and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Tarao Cousteau, "I'm not ready to cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Cletus Justin countered "It seems to me like a nice idea to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue this proposal."

Jasonia's need for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window will possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," commented a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the demand has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Only in the famed Davis Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Davis Labs, located near scenic Sydney, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Zaude Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Davis Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A ornery house spouse at the Davis Bicarbonate Plant near Walla Walla painfully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Walla Walla pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bananas, fish, and litter flew in a 80 foot radius. Pfsr. Lesser was quick as a flash to assure town residents that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the lethargic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Walla Walla homeowner Saddam Haslam. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Larson has perfected the wind turbine. Edinborough Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Larson freely denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Jones is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was shamelessly relieved that nuclear power accidentally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a pulled ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Arraigned in court this morning, the soap-opera star faces a possible two years in prison for permanently searching the buffalo. A spokesperson for the soap-opera star denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving parched warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked thumb or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one biochemist.

After the incident, mayor Silva of Wichita spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Denizens will rest steadily tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 63 seconds' forewarning, countless residents could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 31. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The police station was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

Four denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.