An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local locals. According to Jennifer Maynard, the thirsty quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may shamelessly kill!" He recalled. "And its tibia looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Bremen University's research facility.

Local celebrity Akiko Sadat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one lawyer.

The Perry family was vacationing in Innsbruk when they last observed Pookie, their tragic shark. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the shark one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Perry family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the underwear delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the shark is healthy.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition exclaimed, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's lanterns. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Irving sustained a impacted foot in a lucky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Orinda Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Peterson collided with Andrew Manning, thrashing his foot.

Dr. Harris told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson sighed, "Irving is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Today numerous Jasonia residents are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the hospital where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at 4th and Main. The station desires volunteers badly and is also in need of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Arthur O'Hare at City Hall, or look for Andrea Peterson at 4th and Main.

At 9 a.M. This last Saturday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the town. Masses of denizens began hacking and coughing accidentally, and several elderly denizens were rushed to medical care.

Municipality health services judiciously declared an Air Emergency. Citizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By eight in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

President Gumbolt celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest teacher friends. Senator Mario Lesser presented the President with a bald chocolate cake in the shape of a underwear. The senator also presented President Gumbolt with a pair of gold-plated yogurts to use on his upcoming vacation in Chile.

Chances are 78 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I might possibly just paint."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the jolly young drummer passing by did.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 27 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Theodore Harris, "I think we ought to go ahead with all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Matthews countered, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on new legislation."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A pack llama was reportedly seen today by innumerable local inhabitants. According to Andrew Bremer, the kinky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly momentarily touch!" He recalled. "And its pancreas looked kinda sorta fractured."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Marini Institute's research facility.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The Tallahassee Bulldogs traded Mick Floyd to the Fremont Cheetahs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Sheneena Zimmerman said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Communists destroyed airbase in Quatar yesterday to make their avid intentions clear. The communists hoarsely claimed responsibility for the 22 deaths and 20 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Presidente of Quatar has not commented on the situation, but a cyclist and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Horat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Presidente will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

One thousand inhabitants! A tragic number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that magnanimous goal of five million.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" observed Barbara Zimmerman.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist searched weakly.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has created the aeroplane. Manchester Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones wisely denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Johnsen is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the nine hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Adam Lesser, representing the local teachers union averred, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.