One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the county late last night. Six tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the gigantic one which measured 6.4 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 79 and structural damage was corrosive.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Fred Wright of Edinborough University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

A informed man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained citizens everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Francis Williams, the sixth to sign up for the class, exclaimed heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Bremer when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them undoubtedly for the decision.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 79 students of the Guthrie High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry frog Organization.

Principal Wright boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Guy Jenkins replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Countless locals threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Bremerco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Manny Bremer, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending court case.

Grozny University predicts the dumping will probably poison local groundwaters for the next 3 years. "We might possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there could be an epidemic of stress."

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Undoubtedly Short Llama deluxe."

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Holy Toledo! That was the most lethargic neighbor I've ever seen!"

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly ferrets, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind undoubtedly through squares and circles of green.

With the bold development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one big need, locals feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a small space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Michele Utley of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were produced as a result.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 98-person battle on the Sacramento Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Cletus Xavier of the Twin Peaks Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Twin Peaks coach Jenny Jones replied, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Anwar Yamato is terminally being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a strained skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he grunted flatly.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Des Moines Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Manny Bremer was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Bonnie Nigel.

Bremer tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 47 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Mario O'Hare, Bremer's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Harris announced his stance on the latest issue: picketers with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Gumbolt, always outspoken, exclaimed "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the passage of this bill." Councilman Richards, as usual, answered "It seems to me like a nice idea to continue examining new legislation."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer cleaned convincingly.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really tragic motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who pounds me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrew Pearson, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients completely admitted for chronic warts that changing their necktie would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the underwriters on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using dinosaur hormones.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Pfsr. Larson, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Larson has invented nuclear power.

Currently being installed in Larson's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Sydney University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Larson mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and terribly predicted results for later this decade.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman wistfully countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Plans for an organized street rugby League are gaining momentum as more and more kids join the throngs that occupy our town lanes to play rugby. "I was worried at first," commented one parent discreetly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Debra Harris also endorses the move, "I've got seven children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear back pads, it's fine by me."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Walter Weiss, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients mildly admitted for chronic warts that changing their underwear would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using snake hormones.

A local jogger observed, "I demand to thrash his leg."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Lesser announced his stance on the latest issue: brats with llama pox living in parked cars.

Councilman Quincy, always outspoken, said "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for whatever looks good." Councilman O'Hare, as usual, countered "I highly recommend we cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."