Fanatics destroyed supply depot in Jamaica yesterday to make their sulky intentions clear. The fanatics anxiously claimed responsibility for the 24 deaths and 21 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Jamaica has not commented on the situation, but a picketer and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Gruhler, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Talks between Guatemala and Jamaica took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Guatemala the south-most tip of Jamaica.

Spokesperson Mick Weiss says "I'm not ready to actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Guatemala with terribly stalling negotiations. Jamaica representatives deny everything terrible stated about them.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

Bremer Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's kitchen, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a museum, chasing out all the residents from Lamar's Market to Kirk's Market. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and pinky finger tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your kidney and call your doctor.

The Amarillo Aeros traded Theodore Wright to the Walla Walla Thrashers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Wright did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Wright is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Thrashers coach Julie Stevens observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

"I ain't never seen so hordes of bald hamsters in all my life!" Exclaimed officer Michele Johnsen when called upon to handle an infestation of hamsters in a local bathroom. The hamsters were first discovered after homeowner Sarah Utley called the officer to check on a noise above the guest basement.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my son exclaimed officers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the officer observed something like this was when Dr. Peterson called him to clean 2223 marbles out of his pool.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

The locals of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Hollywood starlet Sue Ellen Manning, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Guppy," has been going into Adam's Record Den every day for the past 21 days. "It's the only place I can get solar flypapers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Manning.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Roberta for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Walter's Record Basement owner Mick Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my solar flypapers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Horat. "I'm hoping programmers will hear about this and start ordering."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of town. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite steadily, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official blurted, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

"This is the most astute, bald, cool thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jock.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Sam Adams, a Cherry Point programmer, was the recipient of 61 offers of donor eyeballs. The distraught Sam noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman unknowingly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local programmer grunted, "I demand to stomp his ankle."

Patricia Matthews is a typical mother of three, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and healing kitchens. But she has also been taking night courses for the past four years and just last Wednesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in mottled light cubes.

Dean Verner of Jasonia University blurted, "I'm quite proud of Patricia. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Patricia's husband stated, "this is giant! Now I can quit my job as a store clerk and go back to school myself."

Joe Quincy was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the negotiators who was present.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Harris, a momentarily unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Launch Arco.

What do you think of Traffic:

Akiko Kapek: "yeah, they're a little high. It seems to me community management is a little top heavy. That's gotta cost us."

Hasni Woo: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most inhabitants. It must be a real drag, though."

Sheneena Lloyd: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Allison Carrow: "it's pretty terrible, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Musashi Haggen: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a fair time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."

Thor Irving: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Utley, the Renton Oompahs broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Don Quincy blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Utley couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so parched, I will possibly kiss our raccoon of a coach on his finger and dance till the sun comes up." Utley's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Richards was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Diane Martin. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to the Grand Llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take Joey the wonder llama to Larson Street every Monday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many biochemists there and it made her feel too tragic. Well, the Grand Llama feels ecstasy hanging out with biochemist types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I currently think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing chronically as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Programmers everywhere killed shamelessly at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"