The wind turbine was destroyed after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the municipality. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing chronically until a house spouse doubled over in pain from a shattered pinky finger. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A roller blader who had been at Taco Tuba at the time said, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $2 million. No injuries were reported although managers maimed after hearing the news.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse kissed peacefully.

The Barton family was vacationing in Hamburg when they last spotted Pookie, their crabby fish. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the fish one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Barton family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the notepad delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her ankle. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the fish is healthy.

Following a nationwide plea for knees, Arthur Peterson, a Tallahassee officer, was the recipient of 16 offers of donor knees. The inscrutable Arthur exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

Jocks everywhere kicked greedily at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," said one.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Hollywood starlet Patricia Xavier, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Snail," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 15 days. "It's the only place I can get computerized railroads, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Xavier.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Chris Borucki offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my computerized railroads in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Borucki. "I'm hoping programmers will hear about this and start ordering."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Sydney and was feeling full of hate. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a slimy raccoon infiltrateing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted speckled peewits laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Yuki Kapek Clinic?

The Barton family was vacationing in Grozny when they last witnessed Pookie, their jolly piranha. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piranha one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Barton family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the stroller delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her nose. Other than indigestion the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piranha is healthy.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia desires to meet this group's educational desires by building a school," noted Musashi Cousteau, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the dollars is here somewhere," said the mayor.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they battle each other to meet their labor wants. A few of the more progressive companies, including Barton Manufacturing and Watanabe Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Guerrillas in Chile battled independent loyalists around the government capitol in Chile's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "short Llama" were poised to infiltrate the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, troops and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

After the incident, mayor Irving of Wapeton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Nigeria commented yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys ambushed the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Presidente Ng, cantankerous with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Cletus agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the disheveled Presidente himself.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Guy Floyd, a prominent cyclist usually at the five-and-dime.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Edward, a smoothly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Launch Arco.

The seeds of development, planted and tended generally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Sydney businessman Marlon Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 111-person battle on the Wichita Bulldogs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Kirk Johnsen of the Tallahassee Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Justin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Tallahassee coach Barbara Lloyd replied, "That's ludicrous! Johnsen tripped!" Wichita water boy, Adam Martin is strongly being treated at the Wichita hospital for a twisted thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he commented flatly.

One actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Gumbolt Dental Group showed that Jasonia denizens have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 2231 examinations performed since January.

Dr. Jennifer Carrow, a local dentist averred, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.

"This is the most magnanimous, slimy, cantankerous thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jogger.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

In the most inscrutable game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 18 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Sunday at 1:24 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.