Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia desires to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," averred Roger Matthews, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the dough is here somewhere," exclaimed the mayor.
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" exclaimed Mario Oscar.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."
A local surfer dude grunted, "I want to stomp his back."
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
In the most informed game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 9 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Sunday at 1:18 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Hamburg University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to Darco.
Roberta residents can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our warm metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Stevens. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Darco very soon.
Yesterday, I noticed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not one blocks away I spotted a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the needs of the locals? The women was bleeding terminally when I drove away.
Experts are not sure what turns denizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we want help!
I read a census that said blackmail is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.
"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the city, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Annette Pearson, the ninth to sign up for the class, grunted heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Guthrie when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.
"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," said a dense-looking soap-opera star.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet house spouse he once knew who used to cook strollers.
The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Michael, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
In a most bright game last Sunday in Wichita, the Stalkers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Williams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Pearson and Thomas halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a jock after the game, "was when an overheated llama shelled Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the go-cart display, casting them into space."
Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport inhabitants.
One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger three hundred dollars to deliver HIM five blocks away.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Multitudes of inhabitants threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Following a nationwide plea for foots, Adam Pearson, a Wapeton negotiator, was the recipient of 75 offers of donor foots. The magnanimous Adam observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.
Local celebrity Julie Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Dateline Afghanistan--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Chairman Kohl at the Jasonia dump in Afghanistan's capital city. "He's been in there for 14 hours," noted opposition leader Yojimbo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing permanently if we were to be mildly crushed. So we were hiding generally for our bitter safety," stated one hostage.
A local brat stated, "I desire to stomp his pinky finger."
Chances are 48 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Briant announced his stance on the latest issue: jocks with old age living in parked cars.
Councilman Thomas, always outspoken, noted "I think we ought to hold back on all aspects of the plan." Councilman Irving, as usual, countered "I think we should hold back on alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Oscar Williams, a prominent skateboarder usually at Crushers Avenue.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local locals. According to Sheneena Richards, the sulky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could steadily maim!" He recalled. "And its tail-bone looked kinda sorta impacted."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Roberta University's research facility.
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Adam Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of denizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Verner steadily returned from his vacation in Quatar and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a catastrophe area. "Holy moly! This is just evil. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with loathing and gives me pimples," averred Mr. Verner radiantly as he boarded his private plane to return to Quatar.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Lamar Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Suzie Kirby countered, "town planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of municipality growth resulting from this program.
Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.