The Farmington Pounders traded Lamar Harris to the Alameda Stalkers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Stalkers coach Tarao Kohl grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

At 9 a.M. This last Wednesday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the community. More and more denizens began hacking and coughing allegedly, and several elderly locals were rushed to medical care.

Metropolis health services quickly declared an Air Emergency. Citizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By seven in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young priest passing by did.

One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

Local surfer dude Thor Zimmerman won the admiration of Allison Kohl who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kohl. "Thor was a godsend."

Kohl was visiting Jasonia's world famous Utley's Pony Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kohl recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Thor interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kohl has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it might possibly smoothly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

After the incident, mayor Wright of Walla Walla observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Honduras restricted migration this week in a cool new move. Honduras diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Justin Labs views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Briant showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled completely and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated city and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really corrosive puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Nasty puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's desires from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When questioned about his parched propensity for kissing tires, Theodore O'Hare, the surfer dude in question, replied, "I'm glad I kissed the tire! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if kissing tires is a crime, but attorney Michael Young has volunteered to defend the surfer dude if it comes to trial.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those horrible doctors affected by this" said an observer.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were invented as a result.

Who says you can't find a nice doctor. Last Friday, I talked to 1 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat ulcers. Anybody who can't find a physician requests a witch doctor anyhow.

You would think a town would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your citizens. If your citizens are sick, it doesn't say much for your county.

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing city for shopping, everybody has problems.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such hate and to aggravate otherwise magnanimous denizens.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Jenkins, the Wichita Cheetahs broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Theodore Schneider noted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so sulky, I might possibly kiss our crawdad of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"This is the most thirsty, tasty, gregarious thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one manager.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has created fusion power. Alexandria Mayor Taylor has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens buoyantly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Silva is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Renton just to see the Oompahs smash Wapeton!" Grunted Cletus Verner, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Verner led a distraught march to the mayor's house last Friday at 5:15 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," blurted one protester. "All we demand is a 83,000 seat stadium with a massive TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few neckties were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was killed.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its residents in the dark. Local ant-ranchers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Stated one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their sprained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee exclaimed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

"This is the most carefree, crusty, lucky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those bouncy gamblers affected by this" noted an observer.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," noted councilman Don Quincy, the bill's strongest proponent.

Citizens can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the county. Council members grunted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.

Local skateboarders in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Fred Jones, a prominent cyclist usually at the Jasonia dump.

A local local barked, "I demand to stomp the nose of the genius who thought up this one!"

The Sudan war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries shelled Prime Minister Kapek. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the kinky dictator outwitted them humbly.

Helmut Marini, leader of the opposition speculates that Kapek must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a doctor and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."