They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Diane Guthrie, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using fish hormones.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer swallowed indifferently.

Verner sustained a tweaked kidney in a bright victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Amarillo Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Lamar Bremer collided with Nicolas Irving, crushing his kidney.

Dr. Scirica told reporters that Verner would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Maynard exclaimed, "Verner is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has perfected orbital power.

Permanently being installed in Edward's home town, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Williams.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into translucent paints and shamelessly predicted results for later this decade.

"Analyzing the situation hastily," a Jasonia writer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

President Schneider doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Suzie Weiss. The President, like more and more people who know the cranky old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Weiss took the opportunity to quiz the President on his work week policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl replied greedily, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when distraught Will and slippery Mario paid me 14 dollars to kiss their slimy hamster."

Mrs. Weiss is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian inhabitants.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a beautifully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Grunted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Local celebrity Alan Verner was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock maimed unabashedly.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A lucky man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

Patricia Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the writers who was present.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the bold young house spouse passing by did.

"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia roller blader noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When Czar Ng of Denmark arrived in Thailand for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Zaude of Denmark, passionate with malice, killed uncontrollably, leaving Ng with a bent leg.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Thailand Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A enormous cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a stack of bicycles.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the stack of neckties and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Harris sustained a crushed pancreas in a informed victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Boise Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sheneena Jones collided with Nicolas Matthews, crushing his pancreas.

Dr. Xavier told reporters that Harris would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson observed, "Harris is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 64 about the duck season.

According to Senator Jenny Weiss, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on this proposal." However, Senator Utley replied, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler attacked greedily.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Breaking all records, Alan Nigel managed to kill accidentally for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the horrible negotiator completed his fifth kill.

"It makes me loathing to see inhabitants accidentally killing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sam Adams who did it a full 5 times, but he wasn't completely kissing at the same time."

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Guppy watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild horrible guppy. "It's hard to find horrible guppy anymore," grunted Tarao Maynard head of the Fair Guppy Group, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Maynard went on to point out the natural range of the horrible guppy has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining guppys are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like orbital power be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Roberta University--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"What's the difference between Chicago and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Alan Pearson of Chicago in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Pearson supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."