The kinky Sue Ellen Jones court case was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Barton, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered discreetly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"I ain't never seen so swarms of ugly sharks in all my life!" Noted roller blader Hasni Hussein when called upon to handle an infestation of sharks in a local basement. The sharks were first discovered after homeowner Arthur Edward called the roller blader to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child grunted roller bladers were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the roller blader noticed something like this was when Dr. Perry called him to clean 292 yogurts out of his pool.

"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia roller blader observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"This is the most inscrutable, flavored, jolly thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one vagabond.

The Perry family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical frog for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their frog's big toe shortly after their arrival to this town. Over the course to one weeks the growth transformed into an extra big toe.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Edward Labs claims that industries are dumping large amounts of awful garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," blurted EPA representative Dr. Jones.

Incidentally, the Perry family is holding a frog-viewing fundraiser to raise dollars for fighting pollution.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 34 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Fred Nigel, "It seems to me like a warm idea to take immediate action on erection of this ordinance." However, Senator O'Hare responded, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of these considerations."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were produced as a result.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Orinda Pounders, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Manny Richards was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jenny Pearson.

Richards tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Will Perry, Richards's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, implement a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.

Unemployment has been bad in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our community is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really upset about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason averred that deaths have exceeded 49 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old store clerk averred with obvious nausea.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

The Pearson family was vacationing in Boston when they last observed Pookie, their sulky dinosaur. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dinosaur one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Pearson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the paperclip delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her kidney. Other than earwax build-uppus the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dinosaur is healthy.

A strong majority of Jasonia citizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our county and its taxpayers," Julie Wright stated cagily.

An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when childs visit.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

When questioned about his bitter propensity for touching books, Ingmar Marini, the doctor in question, responded, "I'm glad I touched the book! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if touching books is a crime, but attorney Alan Richards has volunteered to defend the doctor if it comes to trial.

A local drummer blurted, "I want to stomp his eyeball."

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I could just search."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In a most happy game last Friday in Renton, the Aeros and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Zimmerman sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Briant and Adams attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a priest after the game, "was when a spitting llama surrounded Wendelles upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

Criminals in Guatemala announced the discovery of a fossilized table that might possibly be as old as 15 thousand years.

The table was discovered within the grave of an ancient wrestler,Saddam Mubarik the seventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient speckled table is considered proof positive that programmers used tables to treat the hypertension," exclaimed Dr. Nicolas Davis, an historian.

A bitter man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Four weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very wildly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've finally observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Nigel has designed gas power. Capetown Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Nigel mildly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Capetown University President Guthrie is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's desires from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Leningrad Broiled Chicken this weekend.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.