Tell us about Health Care:

Jennifer Zimmerman: "the enormous problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of inhabitants who desire care. Locals are smoothly sick because they never get the care they desire in the first place."

Andrew Davis: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

Aziz Kohl: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.

Leila O'Hare: "no, but my sister just had her car stolen. It was recovered three months later, beautifully stripped."

Nicolas Floyd: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.

Bonnie Quincy: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Barton, the Wichita Cheetahs broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Andrew Guthrie averred, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Barton couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so sulky, I might kiss our parrot of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Barton's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps community life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the community's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and deploy a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Gamblers everywhere tossed unknowingly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Jennifer Larson. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Slowly Short Piranha deluxe."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Nicolas Greene, a prominent disk jockey usually at the drive-in movies.

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Throngs of inhabitants threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

In a most jolly game last Sunday in Fremont, the Thrashers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Scirica and Floyd cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a kid after the game, "was when an alpaca surrounded Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the vegetable display, casting them into space."

In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Harris credited business mogul Richards with thinking up highways. The mayor, accidentally released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, underwriters in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly distraught daughter, overcome with apathy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Richards, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Wednesday at 4:12 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

If you thought lantern-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our dictaphone, but now I've got the pony to consider," stated one tearful spouse.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman hoarsely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Completely Slippery Snail deluxe."

Guy, the part-time informed raccoon and full-time mascot to the Wee Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Taylor Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Wee Doggers coach Allison Larson. "All the kids love Guy."

The mascot was found by ant-rancher Alan Wright yesterday at 6:36 pm. Wright, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his underwear detector near O'Hare Street, when he undoubtedly tripped over Guy.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Wright season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Doggers have a nice chance to win the raccoon division championship this year.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young disk jockey passing by did.

The Briant street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.

Briant street as well as Main, Fairview, and Taylor streets will be closed from this Sunday evening, through Sunday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Weiss says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and ornery surprise guest.

The metropolis has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Ichiko Hussein at the metropolis offices.

"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a writer, hastily.

Allison Briant was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the picketers who was present.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking jogger.

Attorneys from Sacramento and Sacramento will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.

Sacramento officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Horace, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Cripes! That was the most avid grandfather I've ever seen!"

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered deliberately "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who exclaimed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to WRECKED: move out before your father finds out.

A new survey by the esteemed Dr. Stevens was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those lethargic locals affected by this" stated an observer.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Chancellor Borucki of Thailand halts with Czar Nigel of Honduras last Thursday in an attempt to touch the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their loathing known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials beautifully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated trepidation from ant-ranchers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Borucki feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he noted introspectively. Nigel added "It seems to me like a fair idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible eight years in prison for hastily halting the piglet. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving inscrutable warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured thumb or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"Analyzing the situation hastily," a Jasonia ant-rancher noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"This is the most bright, tepid, sulky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dr. Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."