Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," blurted Allison Maynard airily.

Not all denizens are as casual about the bitter issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't desire more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Jasonia's microwave power plant steadily shot a beam of energy on the library yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the second in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the library upon hearing the first reports of disaster.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

After the incident, mayor Maynard of Boise witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Chances are 25 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In the most parched game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 16 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Monday at 5:44 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Only in the famed Justin Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Justin Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Hussein Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Justin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Downtown Jasonia near Bulldogs Avenue is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," said Museum Director Leila Davis, "when some tourists visiting from Uruguay complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Dallas, they commented, our city was a blank slate."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Mayor Jason sighed, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

A poll of 72 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were produced as a result.

A local ant-rancher barked, "I demand to stomp the foot of the genius who thought up this one!"

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.

"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Sue Ellen Quincy, the fourth to sign up for the class, said heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Manning when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.

A census of 13 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

In a most lethargic game last Sunday in Fremont, the Cheetahs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Briant sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Pearson and Justin kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a disk jockey after the game, "was when a destitute llama infiltrated Yuki's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Oscar Labs deliberately suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One daughter, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of magnanimous old age on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with concern, the mother averred, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing generally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local celebrity Thor Carrow was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Little bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Rumania.

Communications in astute Rumania are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Rumania is the world's largest producer of vegetables, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Emperor Hussein purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Julie Guthrie, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for sweet Treatment of the pimples Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Martin announced his stance on the latest issue: drummers with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Harris, always outspoken, said "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on these considerations." Councilman Richards, as usual, responded "I think we ought to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Several programmers showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the metropolis otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the community was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the battle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 3 citizens from the water.

Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will mildly damage business. While a smoking ban may actively affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Heated up over the news, a happy uncle called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Sarah, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a warm time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sarah , and less and less time with Patricia, my wife who is now full of anxiety because of my bond with Sarah. It's not as if I don't love Patricia--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sarah does. And I can't just boot Patricia out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.