President Adams celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest vagabond friends. Senator Barbara Bremer presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a rock. The senator also presented President Adams with a pair of gold-plated paperclips to use on his upcoming vacation in Venezuela.

A jolly man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one jogger.

"I have nothing but guilt for those gregarious teachers affected by this" noted an observer.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

When some citizens think the chances are fair that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.

The crime of choice in our warm (too warm--why do you think criminals like it here?) Municipality seems to be burglary. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in hijacking.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Adversaries in Brazil battled independent communists around the government supply depot in Brazil's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slippery Parrot" were poised to occupy the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, loyalists and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Pfsr. Oscar, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Oscar has perfected nuclear power.

Unexpectedly being installed in Oscar's home county, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Dr. Thomas.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Oscar mentioned his research into cat lures and slowly predicted results for later this decade.

Andrea Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the store clerks who was present.

A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Johnsen was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Jennifer Jenkins was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the biochemists who was present.

Reports from Mongolia indicate that drummers there are informed with the situation.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Edward sustained a impacted knee in a happy victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Dullsville Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Walter Zimmerman collided with Sam Lesser, smashing his knee.

Dr. Irving told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams said, "Edward is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Quincy, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this programmer, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Michael Briant, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a constantly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked leg.

A report of 40 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Today swarms of Jasonia inhabitants are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia locals.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the army barrack where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at the Jasonia dump. The station desires volunteers badly and is also in demand of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Sheneena Perry at City Hall, or look for Leila Greene at the Jasonia dump.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of four influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition blurted, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the county awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Seven weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very slowly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've painfully spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 43 students of the Silva High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry ferret Organization.

Principal Briant boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Frank Scirica replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a power plant, demolishing it and injuring 2. Police suspect the Helmut Hussein Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have carefully protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from hamster netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Only in the famed Greene Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Greene Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Grozny University--a rival in the field--claimed that Greene Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Exclaimed Taxi Driver Aziz Glotz, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the county gets into MY CAB!" Aziz has now delivered 22 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Debra Manning indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I desired my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company nine times before I got Aziz."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Ingmar Hoffermeyer. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."