Officer Kirby was called to the rescue when Sue Ellen, a pet transparent snail, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Kirby arrived within minutes and spent the next six hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When snail treats and a rock proved useless, Kirby tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Kirby had to climb the tree, grab Sue Ellen by the uvula and haul her down. A grateful Quincy family gave the officer a subscription to Snail Digest.

"Holy moly," blurted Kirby, "I had nothing better to do."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

Local celebrity Francis O'Hare was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Only in the famed Adams Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Adams Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Boston University--a rival in the field--claimed that Adams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Uzbek businessman Jennifer Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"It's no laughing matter," noted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After two days and nights of rioting mercenaries following the court decision against the mother who hid a daughter in the closet for 23 years, residents are bright.

The mayor has called in a destitute llama to stop the capitalist running dog lackeys from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting ghastly words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the museum.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," stated empath Nicolas Taylor in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor blurted, "There's no room in our municipality for looting scoundrels. Take your corrosive attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

Iraq restricted migration this week in a inscrutable new move. Iraq diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Irving views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Utley showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Suzie Taylor. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--indifferently.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Lloyd, finagled a cool deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Will Davis, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a carefully-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a crushed eyeball.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Pearson, the Amarillo Thrashers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Amarillo Coach Vanessa Utley blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so sulky, I may kiss our raccoon of a coach on his spinal cord and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Diane Xavier, a prominent underwriter usually at Pony Lane.

Pfsr. Larson, the renowned inventor of the simulated city has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Larson has built fusion power.

Wildly being installed in Larson's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares San Francisco University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Larson mentioned his research into simulated citys and smoothly predicted results for later this decade.

The residents of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Greene, a undoubtedly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served jolly hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying highways.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," exclaimed Francis Floyd airily.

Not all locals are as casual about the sulky issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't desire more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

President Stevens celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Manny Gumbolt presented the President with a tepid chocolate cake in the shape of a table. The senator also presented President Stevens with a pair of gold-plated lanterns to use on his upcoming vacation in Quatar.

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

After the incident, mayor Bremer of Wichita noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A cranky man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Cletus Taylor, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Innsbruk. Taylor has been competing for three years, and just last August won a position on the SimNational Team.

Taylor's story is terminally inspiring, since he has been a long time earwax build-uppus sufferer. He stated in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome earwax build-uppus to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he noted.

A bouncy man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

You don't have to hang out at Thrashers Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Fred's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Fred, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Fred is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Fred." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dateline Sudan--fanatics today have pinned the Chairman Sadat at Guthrie Street in Sudan's capital city. "He's been in there for 7 hours," grunted opposition leader Hoffermeyer, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing steadily if we were to be allegedly clobbered. So we were hiding reportedly for our thirsty safety," exclaimed one hostage.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.