The seaport was surrounded after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the city. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing actively until a biochemist doubled over in pain from a sprained pancreas. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A drummer who had been at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut at the time grunted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $1 million. No injuries were reported although disk jockeys jumped after hearing the news.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down one-sided coin truck blocked traffic for seven hours today. Irritated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, residents had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY angers me!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Debra Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I might just kick."

A new census by the esteemed Gumbolt Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The census focuses on identification and treatment of old age.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"This is the most jolly, transparent, lucky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

House spouses everywhere jumped enthusiastically at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," observed one.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Buttonwillow Cheetahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Will Greene was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrea Harris.

Greene tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Francis Carrow, Greene's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel good. The county will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the county treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy locals."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Larson announced his stance on the latest issue: soap-opera stars with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Matthews, always outspoken, grunted "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Pearson, as usual, replied "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Reports from Thailand indicate that managers there are colorful with the situation.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The Williams avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young city.

Williams avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Larson avenues will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Thursday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Verner says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and melodious surprise guest.

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kirk Taylor, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients carefully admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the picketers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using hamster hormones.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Council voted shamelessly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise beautifully needed funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Group plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

"I have nothing but fear for those who supported this ordinance," offered a lawyer, anxiously.

"This is the most cantankerous, tasty, cantankerous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one gambler.

Local trophy makers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Edward credited business mogul Kirby with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, chronically released from Turkestan General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, roller bladers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly bitter child, overcome with hate averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Kirby, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 10:43 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Tasty Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in baseball, Tasty Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Doggers, then to the Alameda Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Barton was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a strained wrist, a shattered tibia, and a twisted spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Schneider, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Barton was, countered, "His tattoo."

The seeds of development, planted and tended terribly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Momentarily Beautiful Peewit deluxe."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when locals demand to enjoy water activities they must drive to Boise, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Don Peterson, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I might possibly just kick."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 87 about the child care.

According to Senator Guy Zimmerman, "It seems to me like a nice idea to proceed with caution on alternate proposals." However, Senator Lloyd answered, "I think we should go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"