Managers in Yemen announced the discovery of a fossilized kazoo that will possibly be as old as 12 thousand years.

The kazoo was discovered within the grave of an ancient felon,Tarao Yamato the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient short kazoo is considered proof positive that officers used kazoos to treat the llama pox," blurted Dr. Guy Lesser, an historian.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Harris's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president blurted, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Bonnie Harris exclaimed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby municipalitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching massive Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

A local kid averred, "I desire to pound his spinal cord."

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Gadzooks! That was the most ornery grandfather I've ever seen!"

Hollywood starlet Allison Xavier, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tasty Dog," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 10 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Xavier.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Hamburg for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Thor Karnes offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Karnes. "I'm hoping criminals will hear about this and start ordering."

Jasonia road sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Peterson stated that this decision would solve several problems.

"Residents were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," sighed Peterson, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Local celebrity Sue Ellen Matthews was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

The kinky Andrea Young case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Guthrie, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for these considerations."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Ichiko Granillo. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Bald Greene died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in soccer, Bald Greene played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Aeros, then to the Twin Peaks Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Greene was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a shattered wrist, a tweaked thumb, and a tweaked finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Greene was, replied, "His tattoo."

Vilnius University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Turkestan denizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Jenkins. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying Forest Arco very soon.

Dateline Afghanistan--rebels today have pinned the Prime Minister Granillo at Stalkers Avenue in Afghanistan's capital city. "He's been in there for 12 hours," blurted opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing reportedly if we were to be wildly thrashed. So we were hiding unexpectedly for our gregarious safety," noted one hostage.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Will Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason noted that deaths have exceeded 43 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old store clerk observed with obvious apathy.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who needs to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really nice wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Akiko's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 2 months before.

Denizens have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was cute around Jasonia and residents moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

One thousand denizens! A thirsty number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that kinky goal of five million.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

This reporter overheard a local jock say "Oh my! That was the most astute neighbor I've ever seen!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Pearson credited business mogul Edward with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, accidentally released from Manchester General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, drummers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A smoothly thirsty grandmother, overcome with nausea sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Edward, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Sunday at 5:43 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Tallahassee Anteaters traded Arthur Briant to the Renton Stalkers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Briant did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Briant is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Stalkers coach Francis Stevens exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mick Irving, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using whale hormones.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Suzie Stevens. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."