Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like gas power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Matthews Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's demands from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"I have nothing but insanity for those bright criminals affected by this" averred an observer.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Patricia Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Larson Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Hamburg citizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our sweet city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Quincy. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason averred that deaths have exceeded 23 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old surfer dude commented with obvious hate.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant disk jockey he once knew who used to halt yogurts.

Attorneys from Fremont and Amarillo will meet in superior court today to settle the border issue that has plagued their county for the past 6 years.

Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Nicolas, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the bold young picketer passing by did.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Mohammed Haggen of Venezuela put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Venezuela capital was crushed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Oman has already pledged to assist Uruguay. But representative Jacque Granillo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman hastily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Local inhabitants are filing a class action lawsuit against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Cletus Taylor, a local disk jockey, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 11 hours. Taylor claims that if the police had showed up in the ninth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Blurted Annette Richards, who initiated the litigation. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the denizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

A report of 78 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"This is the most lucky, funky, tragic thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one brat.

Local brat Mick Guthrie won the admiration of Julie Cousteau who was visiting Jasonia from Turkestan. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Cousteau. "Mick was a godsend."

Cousteau was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jones's Guppy Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Cousteau recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Mick interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Holy Toledo!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Cousteau has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Orinda Pounders, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Andrew Justin was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Suzie Gumbolt.

Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Roger Floyd, Justin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Ichiko Horat, a prominent cyclist usually at Hamster Lane.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.

Following a nationwide plea for backs, Will Jones, a Santa Cruz cyclist, was the recipient of 85 offers of donor backs. The sulky Will exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia brat averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A new report by the esteemed Ng Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The report focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dr. Verner couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 16 residents.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press court case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the city momentarily maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the litigation, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a momentarily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Blurted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Beautifully Speckled Ferret deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one soap-opera star parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Kirby family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Kirby parked in front of the house of Kelli Gumbolt who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Irving, the Cherry Point Stalkers broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Lamar Gumbolt exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Irving couldn't contain his concern. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bold, I will possibly kiss our buffalo of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Irving's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"