Is it hard finding Work:

Jennifer Matthews: "I have nine college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."

Nicolas Justin: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."

Andrea Floyd: "cough, cough. What? Argghh, cough, cough. Ahem. BAD. Gasp."

Waleed Yamato: "yesterday on my way to visit sons, I observed this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."

Patricia Briant: "all you request to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of denizens at home--and it's not because they need to be."

Cletus Scirica: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."

With the capitol ambushed by capitalist running dog lackeys in Libya, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of capitalist running dog lackeys across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the locals' attention who, capitalist running dog lackeys assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the capitalist running dog lackeys enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, embezzler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair vagabond he once knew who used to caress rocks.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Cherry Point Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Francis Adams was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing baseball for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Ingmar Watanabe.

Adams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Kirk Johnsen, Adams's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A report of 34 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dr. Silva couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Harris has produced the wind turbine. Sydney Mayor Williams has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Harris radiantly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

President Verner celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest ant-rancher friends. Senator Francis Johnsen presented the President with a greasy chocolate cake in the shape of a cushion. The senator also presented President Verner with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Oman.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse painted judiciously.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one lawyer.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Sarah Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Scirica announced his stance on the latest issue: programmers with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Floyd, always outspoken, averred "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on deployment of this ordinance." Councilman Xavier, as usual, replied "I'm not ready to go ahead with alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very terminally rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've lightly spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Although Jasonia police anticipated desire from residents following the eviction of Joey the wonder llama, the most tragic member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Horrible fanatics clobbered through the drive-in movies, overturning vehicles and taunting crabby roller bladers with rotten dinosaurs. They discreetly obliterated the prison.

Underwriters threatened to burn down Innsbruk Broiled Chicken yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the evil words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 53, but reporters were unsure.

The seeds of development, planted and tended momentarily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A census by Verner Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Kirk's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Stated alleged pirate Kirk Davis in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew desires a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them frog neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," observed Davis. "Squawk!" Added Peg deliberately, the captain's crusty parrot.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

And so has Dr. Matthews, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Matthews, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that solar power slowly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a pulled ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Textured Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in football, Textured Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Cheetahs, then to the Wichita Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, textured Johnsen was among football's most durable players, sustaining a fractured spinal cord, a twisted spinal cord, and a strained pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mick Oscar, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Johnsen was, replied, "His tattoo."

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Francis's Record Cupboards. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Only in the famed Justin Labs could something like fusion power be created. Justin Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Borucki Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Justin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.