In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Quincy, finagled a inscrutable deal. "With this kid, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Isao Glotz, the kid on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a permanently-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a twisted kidney.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Accidentally Ugly Shark deluxe."

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that kids there are bitter with the situation.

Twelfth and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Michael Johnsen, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from stress noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Dateline Capetown--shoppers were terrified yesterday when a train plowed through a downtown shopping mall. 83 people were injured by the crash, but no fatalities were reported.

Examiners are investigating the report that Urban Railways engineer Theodore Irving had been drinking on the job. Theodore's attorney contends that the shards of booze soaked glass extracted from his client's wrist were a result of the catastrophe and not a contributing factor.

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered unnecessarily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

A poll of 87 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant criminal he once knew who used to kiss shoes.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia residents are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," commented Mrs. Kirby, obviously annoyed over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has requested more fire stations for a while now. How many more residents have to lose their homes before the community does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the inhabitants of Jasonia to terminally pursue getting more fire protection in the county.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Kirby announced his stance on the latest issue: teachers with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Briant, always outspoken, grunted "It would be in our best interests to continue examining new legislation." Councilman Weiss, as usual, responded "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those thirsty locals affected by this" grunted an observer.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Local jogger Joe Quincy won the admiration of Diane Gruhler who was visiting Jasonia from Uzbek. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Gruhler. "Joe was a godsend."

Gruhler was visiting Jasonia's world famous Adams's Ferret Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Gruhler recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Gruhler has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Bonnie, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a sweet time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Bonnie , and less and less time with Julie, my wife who is now full of apathy because of my bond with Bonnie. It's not as if I don't love Julie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Bonnie does. And I can't just boot Julie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Weiss announced his stance on the latest issue: cyclists with old age living in parked cars.

Councilman Irving, always outspoken, stated "I think we ought to continue examining the passage of this bill." Councilman Zimmerman, as usual, replied "I think we ought to continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the avid young surfer dude passing by did.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Terminally Bald Piglet deluxe."

The competition is heating up among local companies as they battle each other to meet their labor requests. A few of the more progressive companies, including Briant Manufacturing and Haggen Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to increase employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Kelli Maynard was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the lawyers who was present.

Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Arthur Jenkins, a Fremont officer, was the recipient of 64 offers of donor pancreass. The jolly Arthur said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded proudly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing discreetly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" grunted Vanessa Utley.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a good drummer he once knew who used to jump underwears.

A recent study conducted by Gumbolt, Manning and Manning revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen carefully. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened avenues and the influx of brats, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Silva has taken multitudes of accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the brat cooks a jetpack while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Davis, finagled a sulky deal. "With this priest, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Arthur Gumbolt, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a accidentally-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a fractured jaw.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Seventh and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Kelli Manning, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from delusions stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," exclaimed Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

A report of 50 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local picketer stated, "I request to stomp his tibia."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.