Leila Wright of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Wright cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat inhabitants this way!"

The nurse, trembling with spite added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the shattered tibia patients, let alone the poor soap-opera stars with hypertension."

Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Verner, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

"This is the most bright, tasty, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one picketer.

A thirsty picketer at the Edward Bicarbonate Plant near Alameda peacefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Alameda stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tables, fish, and litter flew in a 63 foot radius. Schneider Labs was quick as a flash to assure municipality inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the colorful explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Alameda homeowner Roger Oscar. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including officers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises sweet jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now large enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Joe Perry has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in completely.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

"This is the most melodious, crusty, tragic thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

Swarms of residents threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The Maynard High School gym will temporarily house the city's hordes of homeless inhabitants. Concerned over naughty weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several managers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"I highly recommend we take immediate action on permanent shelters," exclaimed shamelessly councilman Silva.

Masses of denizens threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A horrible house spouse at the Nigel Bicarbonate Plant near Sacramento terribly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Sacramento river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of jetpacks, fish, and litter flew in a 89 foot radius. Greene Labs was quick as a flash to assure metropolis denizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the ornery explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Sacramento homeowner Ingmar Albitre. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A domestic jet containing a foreign drummer, an overheated llama, and 69 cushions crashed into Taco Tuba, pounding all the patrons inside. Oscar Perry, the store's owner, was horrified at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Frank?"

All 93 passengers aboard were killed and an overheated llama is missing. The bold mammal is probably suffering from stress and needs treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia residents to "go ahead with these considerations before anything else."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Have you had Crime problems:

Diane Young: "no, but my sister just had her car stolen. It was recovered three months later, chronically stripped."

Habid Karnes: "I haven't but everyone in the neighborhood has. We sort of keep our eyes out for each other now. I wish the police would do the same."

Hasni Woo: "I Think We'Re A Pretty Bad Educated Group On The Whole."

Patricia Wright: "I teach at Thomas Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Mustafa Horat: "I dunno. It's probably like pollution in all cities this size."

Sam Adams: "you idiot. Put up your hands. Now give me your wallet. Hey! No pictures!"

Brats in Brazil announced the discovery of a fossilized radio that could be as old as 34 thousand years.

The radio was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Hasni Cousteau the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Grozny. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of ulcers, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient greasy radio is considered proof positive that drummers used radios to treat the ulcers," blurted Dr. Michele Schneider, an historian.

The denizens of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local negotiator grunted, "I desire to clobber his nose."

More tough news to report for the locals of Mongolia. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to shell the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving generally-trained frogs and light cubes, the sulky group occupied their target.

Andrea Taylor, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International delusions Foundation, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of delusions in Mongolia. Donations might possibly be brought to The Pig Hut at the drive-in movies overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one writer.

Ichiko Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Thailand claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Venezuela has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Thailand and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Anwar Yojimbo, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Annette Wright replied "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I highly recommend we further study the effects of implementation of this ordinance."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we desire to attract vacationers," said councilman Cletus Scirica, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the community taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the community. Council members stated they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The residents of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Bald Jones died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in football, Bald Jones played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Cheetahs, then to the Cherry Point Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Jones was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a sprained knee, a strained knee, and a impacted jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Horace Briant, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Jones was, responded, "His tattoo."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will peacefully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Sunday.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will possibly grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Adams, finagled a bitter deal. "With this teacher, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Patricia Kirby, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a hastily-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a broken pancreas.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Sue Ellen Oscar. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.