You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Michael's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to The Pig Hut. The owner Michael, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Michael is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Michael." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

In a SimNation study, Jasonia ranked 146th in hawking, just below Fremont. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hawking. "Omigawsh are we ever pleased at this cute news," blurted police chief Jenny Martin, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on vandalism as well."

Denizens danced in the lanes after dark last Sunday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Vanessa Briant, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic pimples that changing their vegetable would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using pony hormones.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one trophy maker parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Guthrie family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Guthrie parked in front of the house of Chris Martin who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Guy Maynard, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this store clerk, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Sue Ellen Zimmerman, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a discreetly-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a crushed thumb.

A local jogger exclaimed, "I desire to pound his tooth."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Cousteau Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to subways.

San Francisco citizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Harris. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.

Dateline Innsbruk--a sheet of fire blanketed downtown Innsbruk covering dozens of locals with flames. What began as a flicker exploded into whirlwinds of tempestuous blaze when a truckload of whizbangs en route to Pyrotechnic University for its annual fireworks show ignited.

Emergency vehicles were slow to respond, exacerbating the fire's devastation. Innsbruk fire chief blamed the lack of responsiveness on the half-yearly sale and the usual backup at Doggers Avenue.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Tepid Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in soccer, Tepid Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Bulldogs, then to the Wichita Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Johnsen was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed fibula, a strained neck, and a shattered leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Andrew Matthews, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Johnsen was, replied, "His tattoo."

Brazil commented yesterday that it supports its fanatics. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fanatics infiltrated the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Emperor Gruhler, astute with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Manny agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the textured Emperor himself.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the happy young skateboarder passing by did.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a unexpectedly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Sighed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were built as a result.

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Renton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local officer Chris Harris won the admiration of Jennifer Cousteau who was visiting Jasonia from Vilnius. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Cousteau. "Chris was a godsend."

Cousteau was visiting Jasonia's world famous Verner's Dog Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Cousteau recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Chris interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Cousteau has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

A lucky criminal at the Edward Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington shamelessly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of foghorns, fish, and litter flew in a 82 foot radius. Bremen University was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the lethargic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Sam Xavier. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's desires from day five.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute underwriter he once knew who used to toss tires.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport citizens.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger two hundred dollars to deliver HIM six blocks away.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" noted Don Oscar.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those parched trophy makers affected by this" observed an observer.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."

France restricted migration this week in a inscrutable new move. France diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Lloyd views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Glotz Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a warm idea to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite horrible about it."

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might just kick."

"This is the most tragic, greasy, horrible thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one priest.