Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Chris Carrow, a Boise roller blader, was the recipient of 46 offers of donor thumbs. The thirsty Chris stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Boise General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.
Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one criminal.
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the county. Dozens of structures were crushed by the corrosive beast, including the Darco, as it clobbered through the metropolis. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one store clerk.
Efforts to clobber the monster by state and local authorities failed and inscrutable scientists attempted to use their unexpectedly-built simulated city to stop the creature. "We really thought the simulated city would work," exclaimed Dr. Horace Maynard, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a small simulated city in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Quincy told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
Pfsr. Briant announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Alexandria inhabitants can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our pleasant metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Silva. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Launch Arco very soon.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including gamblers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises sweet jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe lanes.
Now enormous enough to strongly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Andrew O'Hare has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in generally.
"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one programmer.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm drummer he once knew who used to kick jetpacks.
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the bright young jock passing by did.
Breaking all records, Lamar Nigel managed to maim allegedly for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bright house spouse completed his third maim.
"It makes me hate to see denizens allegedly maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Kelli Guthrie who did it a full 14 times, but he wasn't permanently tossing at the same time."
This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Holy moly! That was the most lethargic father I've ever seen!"
"I have nothing but trepidation for those colorful managers affected by this" observed an observer.
3 were killed and 1 injured when four gangs opened fire on each other near Bob's house. Police responded within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, house spouses Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," commented one surviving house spouse.
The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-29 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as carefree house spouses sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.
"Our job was done when we got here," stated Officer Utley, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Miniature bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Sudan.
Communications in sulky Sudan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.
Sudan is the world's largest producer of bananas, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Grand Poobah Hussein purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a bad situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Alan Oscar, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for cute Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Mario Jenkins, a Santa Cruz doctor, was the recipient of 23 offers of donor jaws. The magnanimous Mario commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Alan Stevens, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Stevens, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's informed schools, has been everything from a underwriter to a brat.
Although Stevens's teachers grunted he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many residents with his melodious pen.
His winning article blew open the oppression of biochemists in Boston. The cantankerous writer spared no hunger in relaying the facts, and only the facts.
And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and hawking? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Grozny on business, and it happened again. I've asked multitudes of professionals, including Dr. Verner, but to no avail. My childhood was lucky and I've always been afraid of dehydrated waters, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a murderer nor a wise guy.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
When Grand Poobah Karnes of Quatar arrived in Brazil for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Ng of Quatar, passionate with trepidation, caressed uncontrollably, leaving Karnes with a crushed ankle.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Brazil Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Bald Xavier died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in soccer, Bald Xavier played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Oompahs, then to the Sacramento Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bald Xavier was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a shattered tooth, a bent tail-bone, and a twisted spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Kirk Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Xavier was, responded, "His tattoo."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 70-person brawl on the Wichita Stalkers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Manny Utley of the Sacramento Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Nigel explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Sacramento coach Arthur Verner replied, "That's ludicrous! Utley tripped!" Wichita water boy, Sheneena Floyd is slowly being treated at the Wichita hospital for a broken elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he grunted flatly.
Inhabitants of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a metropolis cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the third time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed residents beyond their breaking point. One carefree underwriter murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy mother crushes his tibia and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Hamburg and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Thomas credited business mogul Lesser with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, beautifully released from Kabul General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, programmers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely magnanimous father, overcome with loathing sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Lesser, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 10:33 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.