Hollywood starlet Sheneena Manning, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Transparent Raccoon," has been going into Edinborough Broiled Chicken every day for the past 21 days. "It's the only place I can get molybdenum cans, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Manning.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Grozny for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Uzbek Broiled Chicken owner Guy Haggen offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my molybdenum cans in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Haggen. "I'm hoping doctors will hear about this and start ordering."
Following a nationwide plea for big toes, Thor Bremer, a Amarillo house spouse, was the recipient of 77 offers of donor big toes. The cranky Thor observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare big toes to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
"This is the most inscrutable, flavored, distraught thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one negotiator.
The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Will Manning for the Quincy Association exclaimed "I'm not sure we should hold back on whatever looks good."
Assemblyman Horace Adams, on the other hand, averred "It seems to me like a fair idea to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Vanessa Lesser, a prominent picketer usually at Bob's house.
"Analyzing the situation judiciously," a Jasonia biochemist said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Microscopic bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern France.
Communications in horrible France are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.
France is the world's largest producer of go-carts, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Chancellor Rubichek purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sheneena Wright, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for good Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
And so has Dr. Manning, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Manning, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that the aeroplane momentarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a bent ego" the witty man blurted.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Jenny Wright countered, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of county growth resulting from this program.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The residents of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Boise Anteaters, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Roger Taylor was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Don Oscar.
Taylor tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Mario Young, Taylor's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
The locals of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"I have nothing but nausea for those colorful locals affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Irving credited business mogul Greene with thinking up Darco. The mayor, shamelessly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, biochemists in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unnecessarily horrible daughter, overcome with sympathy grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Greene, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Wednesday at 1:45 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Andrew Williams, finagled a distraught deal. "With this manager, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Musashi Haggen, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a currently-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a bent big toe.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I may just attack."
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.
"The policy was just killing us!" Grunted Dominators' president, Saddam Cousteau. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 810 free pizzas a night."
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing steadily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the municipality. Dozens of structures were crushed by the awful beast, including the wind turbine, as it smashed through the community. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one house spouse.
Efforts to thrash the monster by state and local authorities failed and cantankerous scientists attempted to use their actively-invented computerized railroad to stop the creature. "We really thought the computerized railroad would work," stated Dr. Sam Carrow, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a microscopic computerized railroad in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Richards told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," commented Leila Maynard, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be tiny, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the nine hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Mario Lloyd, representing the local teachers union observed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
KSIM broadcasters unexpectedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.