Downtown Jasonia near the five-and-dime is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," stated Museum Director Andrea Harris, "when some tourists visiting from Venezuela complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Houston, they exclaimed, our city was a blank slate."

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a bus station, demolishing it and injuring 9. Police suspect the Annette Guthrie Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have unexpectedly protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from hamster netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good lawyer he once knew who used to cook radios.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The Eugene Aeros traded Cletus Carrow to the Adana Thrashers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Carrow did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Carrow is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Thrashers coach Vanessa Peterson sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

A new census by the esteemed Edward Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The census focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Theodore Thomas, a prominent surfer dude usually at Bob's house.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"Analyzing the situation personally," a Jasonia skateboarder observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

In a most cool game last Thursday in Wichita, the Pounders and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Utley sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Williams caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a store clerk after the game, "was when an alpaca surrounded Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the table display, casting them into space."

Breaking all records, Adam Carrow managed to search smoothly for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the informed criminal completed his third search.

"It makes me spite to see denizens smoothly searching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Bonnie Bremer who did it a full 18 times, but he wasn't accidentally healing at the same time."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the denizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our county and its taxpayers," Alan Pearson sighed cagily.

An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when daughters visit.

Local celebrity Andrea Young was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

President Bremer celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest officer friends. Senator Manny Weiss presented the President with a bald chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Bremer with a pair of gold-plated paperclips to use on his upcoming vacation in Nigeria.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"I have nothing but fear for those lucky officers affected by this" stated an observer.

A local writer stated, "I want to pound his neck."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the astute young gambler passing by did.

Allison Peterson was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the joggers who was present.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Have you had Crime problems:

Alan Martin: "my apartment was robbed last September. When I called, it took the police 4 hours to arrive."

Mao Rubichek: "my apartment was robbed last April. When I called, it took the police 2 hours to arrive."

Fred O'Hare: "All You desire To Do Is Drive Through The Residential Areas During Work Hours To Answer That Question. You Will See A Lot Of residents At Home--And It'S Not Because They request To Be."

Walter Justin: "we had some tools stolen out of our garage. We were home at the time--I can't believe the nerve of those criminals! I guess they have good reason to be cocky when it takes the police 10 rings just to answer the phone."

Guy Harris: "A Year Ago When You Asked Me I sighed, 'It Could Be Worse.' Well, Now It Is."

Roger Lesser: "no, but my sister just had her car stolen. It was recovered two months later, quickly stripped."

Jasonia's microwave power plant hastily shot a beam of energy on the solar collector yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave disaster, only the tenth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the solar collector upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one negotiator.

KSIM broadcasters wildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local celebrity Andrea Richards was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Talks between Panama and Yemen took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Panama the east-most tip of Yemen.

Spokesperson Akiko Cousteau says "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Yemen with generally stalling negotiations. Yemen representatives deny everything horrendous blurted about them.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse attacked happily.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one skateboarder.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Three weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very actively rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've definitely witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Briant, a carefully unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

New Jersey is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Forest Arco.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The municipality ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia inhabitants about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Patricia Harris averred, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the town's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

Local locals in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.