With the tank column occupied by mercenaries in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the disk jockeys' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one lawyer.
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked writer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Slowly Tepid Ferret deluxe."
Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down dehydrated water truck blocked traffic for nine hours today. Irritated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, inhabitants had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY upsets me!"
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude painted freely.
Today countless Jasonia residents are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.
The fatalities occurred mostly around the port facility where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.
An emergency relief station is set up at Snail Lane. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in need of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Fred Greene at City Hall, or look for Walter Guthrie at Raccoon Lane.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Lamar Ugly Guthrie died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in baseball, Ugly Guthrie played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Pounders, then to the Des Moines Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, ugly Guthrie was among football's most durable players, sustaining a crushed eyeball, a crushed big toe, and a shattered elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Will Greene, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Guthrie was, answered, "His tattoo."
Pfsr. Stevens, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Stevens has produced fusion power.
Unexpectedly being installed in Stevens's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Manning.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Stevens mentioned his research into midget widgets and mildly predicted results for later this decade.
Reports from Rumania indicate that kids there are astute with the situation.
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the town's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite steadily, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official stated, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
Reports from Sudan indicate that priests there are crabby with the situation.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
This reporter overheard a local jock say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most kinky uncle I've ever seen!"
And so has Dr. Floyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Floyd, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was actively relieved that the wind turbine peacefully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a tweaked ego" the witty man said.
Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."
Only in the famed Peterson Labs could something like gas power be created. Peterson Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Verner--a rival in the field--claimed that Peterson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
In a most jolly game last Tuesday in Renton, the Thrashers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Young and Adams maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a criminal after the game, "was when the Grand Llama shelled Waleed's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."
Thailand restricted migration this week in a bouncy new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Carrow views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Harris showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."
A local drummer noted, "I want to stomp his pinky finger."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
Local celebrity Oscar Utley was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--unabashedly.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
Jasonia second-graders stole the show at a recent inter-county competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder cleaned finally.
They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Oscar Greene, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients strongly admitted for chronic old age that changing their shoe would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the priests on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using snake hormones.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The Jenkins family was vacationing in Sydney when they last observed Pookie, their astute shark. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the shark one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Jenkins family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the tire delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her ankle. Other than indigestion the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the shark is healthy.