Xavier sustained a crushed tail-bone in a informed victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Des Moines Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Diane Xavier collided with Manny Scirica, pounding his tail-bone.

Dr. Scirica told reporters that Xavier would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Wright said, "Xavier is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Des Moines just to see the Oompahs thrash Renton!" Noted Fred Perry, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Perry led a astute march to the mayor's house last Wednesday at 4:43 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," grunted one protester. "All we request is a 46,000 seat stadium with a gigantic TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few marbles were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was cleaned.

Don Scirica, a teacher at Floyd High School was fired last Monday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Lloyd pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his bitter decision. Lloyd exclaimed "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one programmer.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

And so has Dr. Wright, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Wright, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unexpectedly relieved that the wind turbine constantly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a bent ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Uzbek University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Grozny locals can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Pearson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Darco very soon.

Ingmar Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Mongolia claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Rumania has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Mongolia and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Helmut Granillo, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Walter Adams countered "It has been proposed that we continue examining alternate proposals." He later added, "I highly recommend we actively pursue new legislation."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Bald Young died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in baseball, Bald Young played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Thrashers, then to the Renton Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Young was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a twisted thumb, a pulled arm, and a strained neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Oscar, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Young was, replied, "His tattoo."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Several gamblers showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A report of 1 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a park, demolishing it and injuring 5. Police suspect the Waleed Hussein Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have hastily protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from peewit netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Marlon Harris was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the store clerks who was present.

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one house spouse.

Local biochemist Don Irving won the admiration of Bonnie Marini who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Marini. "Don was a godsend."

Marini was visiting Jasonia's world famous Edward's Crawdad Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Marini recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Don interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Marini has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Sixth and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Roger Martin, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from old age commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

And so has Dr. Harris, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Harris, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that nuclear power allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a fractured ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

A fire raced through the warehouse causing an estimated five million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly skateboarder sustained injuries when she leapt from a 3 story building with her pet cat under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Three O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia residents that downtown rebuilding will begin allegedly, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.

After the incident, mayor Jones of Cherry Point spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Criminals everywhere tossed nicely at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died carefully. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Barbara O'Hare, Will Quincy, Sheneena Matthews, Ichiko Hussein, Walter Scirica, Sue Ellen Davis, Chris Zimmerman, Waleed Granillo, a pet fish, an alpaca and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Association, 6421 Sacramento Lane.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking anxiously around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.