A new survey by the esteemed Woo Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I could just dismember."

"Analyzing the situation convincingly," a Jasonia soap-opera star commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Downtown Jasonia near the five-and-dime is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," said Museum Director Patricia Stevens, "when some tourists visiting from Zaire complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Chicago, they grunted, our city was a blank slate."

Patricia Verner was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the priests who was present.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one ant-rancher parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Stevens family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Stevens parked in front of the house of Mohammed Hoffermeyer who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," said Theodore Taylor airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the bold issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended peacefully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

The citizens of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

This reporter overheard a local vagabond say "Gadzooks! That was the most astute neighbor I've ever seen!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" averred Frank Xavier.

In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Briant credited business mogul Stevens with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, judiciously released from Bremen General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A smoothly bitter cousin, overcome with malice commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Stevens, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Tuesday at 6:36 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Alameda Thrashers traded Guy Young to the Eugene Bulldogs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Bulldogs coach Jenny Silva stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Irving sustained a broken eyeball in a cranky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Buttonwillow Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Walter Jenkins collided with Chris Oscar, smashing his eyeball.

Dr. Perry told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Maynard sighed, "Irving is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down ear candle truck blocked traffic for eight hours today. Angry over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, residents had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY angers me!"

A local underwriter blurted, "I want to squish his foot."

"I have nothing but anxiety for those jolly skateboarders affected by this" averred an observer.

An alien device thrashed Jasonia causing an estimated 20 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the military tower. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really melodious spokesperson for Pfsr. Barton.

Although most residents who spotted the foreign object crushing building after building were terrorized, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Mustafa Ng at the metropolis offices.

Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I may just clean."

Local gamblers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Small bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Rumania.

Communications in cranky Rumania are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Rumania is the world's largest producer of cushions, used in the treatment of delusions, an ailment Czar Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Debra Floyd, founder and president of Jasonia locals for fair Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have delusions, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will peacefully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking vagabond.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

A local ant-rancher barked, "I desire to stomp the pancreas of the genius who thought up this one!"

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Lamar Kirby, resident expert at Edinborough General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using raccoon hormones.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good local he once knew who used to caress foghorns.

Rioters infiltrated embassy in Venezuela yesterday to make their horrible intentions clear. The rioters safely claimed responsibility for the 7 deaths and 7 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Venezuela has not commented on the situation, but a kid and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Sadat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

A local jogger commented, "I want to squish his pancreas."