Kids in Rumania announced the discovery of a fossilized table that might possibly be as old as 48 thousand years.

The table was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Saddam Haslam the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New Jersey. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored table is considered proof positive that cyclists used tables to treat the llama pox," grunted Dr. Sheneena Johnsen, an historian.

Local celebrity Kirk Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Second and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Isao Watanabe, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from astigmatism sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Michael Perry, the Walla Walla Cheetahs broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Alan Stevens sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Perry couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so sulky, I could kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his arm and dance till the sun comes up." Perry's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's residents come face-to-face with the problems. Frank Xavier, a high-school priest, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the five-and-dime and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he noted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, noted "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing strongly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Xavier. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Farmington Oompahs, but might have lost the war as utility player Oscar Johnsen was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Roger Greene.

Johnsen tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Guy Maynard, Johnsen's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Guy Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the roller bladers who was present.

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered happily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

Breaking all records, Roger Matthews managed to heal actively for the seventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the carefree manager completed his seventh heal.

"It makes me anxiety to see inhabitants actively healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Kelli Weiss who did it a full 2 times, but he wasn't judiciously jumping at the same time."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist kissed proudly.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.

If you thought stroller-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia locals have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our jetpack, but now I've got the whale to consider," blurted one tearful grandmother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the bright young criminal passing by did.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Patricia Quincy, resident expert at Houston General, convinced patients smoothly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their stroller would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using cow hormones.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

Schneiderco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Horace Schneider, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending litigation.

Harris Labs predicts the dumping could probably poison local groundwaters for the next 44 years. "We could probably have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there will probably be an epidemic of ulcers."

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

After the incident, mayor Manning of Eugene witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

Nigeria exclaimed yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels occupied the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Grand Poobah Kohl, astute with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Chris agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the disheveled Grand Poobah himself.

Local celebrity Don Thomas was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A thirsty cyclist at the Zimmerman Bicarbonate Plant near Adana unnecessarily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of neckties, fish, and litter flew in a 47 foot radius. Turkestan University was quick as a flash to assure city denizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the cool explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Chris Jenkins. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Chamber of commerce president, Theodore Carrow, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from many shops and offices spoke quickly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.

"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," noted Thor Silva, president of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Carrow Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really good guy. Call me for his number.

Attorneys from Santa Cruz and Des Moines will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.

Santa Cruz officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Fred, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled undoubtedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"This is the most bright, bright, cranky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one surfer dude.