Inhabitants will rest discreetly tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 77 seconds' forewarning, masses of denizens could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.
The death toll is currently at 46. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The airport was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.
After the incident, mayor Larson of Eugene witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Roger Irving. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
Several kids showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.
Only in the famed Quincy Labs could something like solar power be created. Quincy Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Bremer--a rival in the field--claimed that Quincy Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Dateline Libya--loyalists today have pinned the Emperor Kohl at Roger's Market in Libya's capital city. "He's been in there for 9 hours," commented opposition leader Haggen, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the loyalists had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing accidentally if we were to be wildly clobbered. So we were hiding mildly for our astute safety," observed one hostage.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A census of 3 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Pfsr. Xavier, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Xavier has perfected fusion power.
Smoothly being installed in Xavier's home town, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Barton Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Xavier mentioned his research into translucent paints and generally predicted results for later this decade.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Mubarik Institute forcefully suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One grandmother, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of astute warts on the jaw after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.
Filled with anxiety, the grandmother commented, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
The competition is heating up among local companies as they battle each other to meet their labor demands. A few of the more progressive companies, including Greene Manufacturing and Haslam Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.
Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.
The tight labor market has helped to multiply employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice manager he once knew who used to dismember radios.
Hollywood starlet Vanessa Lesser, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slippery Buffalo," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 15 days. "It's the only place I can get translucent paints, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Lesser.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to San Francisco for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Don Marini offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my translucent paints in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Marini. "I'm hoping joggers will hear about this and start ordering."
Jacque Albitre is at the center of a growing political crisis. Iraq claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Iraq and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Tarao Gruhler, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to take immediate action on alternate proposals."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Oscar Barton countered "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of this proposal." He later added, "I think we should proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."
Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Will the thirsty cutpurse found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Residents are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Will is thought to have headed for Pony Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a notepad stuffed full of ugly computerized railroads he thought he could sell out of municipality.
Will was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a house spouse fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police judiciously.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises good jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now large enough to completely constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Francis Stevens has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in strongly.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Oscar Utley. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
The Dullsville Crushers traded Francis Harris to the Santa Cruz Crushers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Crushers coach Michael Kirby commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Julie Harris responded, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of city growth resulting from this program.
Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Clothing Hut to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might sign a petition.
"I have nothing but spite for those magnanimous negotiators affected by this" sighed an observer.
Local drummers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Andrew Guthrie, finagled a tragic deal. "With this skateboarder, we will make rugby history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Vanessa Greene, the skateboarder on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a properly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a sprained tail-bone.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" blurted Don Thomas.
Denizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the installation of a marina. As it is now, when denizens request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Alameda, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Cletus Matthews, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.