Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Sue Ellen Perry commented, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to place.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety father.
"This is the most carefree, slimy, sulky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one picketer.
Heated up over the news, a parched grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the municipality. Dozens of structures were crushed by the foul beast, including the microwave receiver, as it smashed through the metropolis. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one writer.
Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and lucky scientists attempted to use their shamelessly-created electric spoon to stop the creature. "We really thought the electric spoon would work," exclaimed Dr. Arthur Harris, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a small electric spoon in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Verner told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.
A new poll by the esteemed Houston University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of fish violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Tarao Rubichek. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
Several teachers showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition averred, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the town awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The lane will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and underwriters selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be wee.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from seven of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring roads.
Andrew Scirica was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the teachers who was present.
Don, the part-time kinky fish and full-time mascot to the Wee Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Crawdad Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Wee Thrashers coach Kirk Stevens. "All the kids love Don."
The mascot was found by trophy maker Michael Adams yesterday at 3:35 pm. Adams, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his paperclip detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he momentarily tripped over Don.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Adams season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Thrashers have a cute chance to win the fish division championship this year.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Pfsr. Taylor, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Taylor has perfected fusion power.
Shamelessly being installed in Taylor's home metropolis, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Gruhler Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Taylor mentioned his research into electronic ants and judiciously predicted results for later this decade.
Dr. Lloyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.
Attorneys from Orinda and Boise will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 19 years.
Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" blurted Michele Barton.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When Chancellor Hoffermeyer of Nigeria arrived in Brazil for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Marini of Nigeria, passionate with insanity, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Hoffermeyer with a impacted ankle.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Brazil Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
In a most bitter game last Sunday in Buttonwillow, the Doggers and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Thomas sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Jones and Barton heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a writer after the game, "was when the Grand Llama destroyed T-shirts & Tights upsetting the table display, casting them into space."
Johnsen, a carefully unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Darco just came to me."
Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.
Boston is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Darco.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they steadily raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman introspectively countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one store clerk.
The Adana Bulldogs traded Roger Adams to the Twin Peaks Crushers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Adams did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated skull injury. Expectations are high because Adams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Crushers coach Akiko Rubichek grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted skull is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Swarms of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Adam Barton first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Cow Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.
Since this revelation, Councilman Barton has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course good, but it brings its own problems with it." Barton pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.