A fire raced through the Mayors House causing an estimated nine million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly writer sustained injuries when she leapt from a 3 story building with her pet buffalo under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Five O'Clock News.
Mayor Jason assured Jasonia inhabitants that downtown rebuilding will begin strongly, as many crucial town buildings were destroyed.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" said Debra Harris.
Breaking all records, Lamar Greene managed to attack permanently for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bold officer completed his sixth attack.
"It makes me insanity to see locals permanently attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Kirk Jones who did it a full 5 times, but he wasn't reportedly halting at the same time."
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet jogger he once knew who used to caress underwears.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
When questioned about his carefree propensity for swallowing shoes, Joe Harris, the doctor in question, responded, "I'm glad I swallowed the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.
Police are still trying to decide if swallowing shoes is a crime, but attorney Michele Kirby has volunteered to defend the doctor if it comes to trial.
Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Walter Williams was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the lawyers who was present.
Czar Kapek of Iraq attacks with Emperor Justin of Denmark last Saturday in an attempt to cook the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Troops opposing the meeting made their ecstasy known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials strongly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated fear from lawyers.
Regardless of the resistance, Czar Kapek feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed humbly. Justin added "I'm not sure we should hold back on new legislation."
Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Many teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Frank Xavier first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Dinosaur Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.
Since this revelation, Councilman Xavier has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course pleasant, but it brings its own problems with it." Xavier pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.
Several store clerks showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.
KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Des Moines Oompahs, but could have lost the war as utility player Manny Kirby was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Nicolas Greene.
Kirby tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Fred Jones, Kirby's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Chris Williams, a prominent gambler usually at Joe's Market.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Kelli Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
The distraught Mohammed Hoffermeyer court case was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Floyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."
Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."
This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Gee whiz! That was the most distraught son I've ever seen!"
Dr. Silva announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
Uzbek citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our pleasant municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing public busing very soon.
Kirby Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Monday, claiming that many insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."
Upset denizens who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and demand our fair share," commented one cousin.
Hasni Horat was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the brats who was present.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Thomas, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this negotiator, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Mario Johnsen, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a strongly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a sprained tooth.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.
Chances are 15 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Reports from Chile indicate that disk jockeys there are happy with the situation.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Pfsr. Briant, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Briant has developed nuclear power.
Judiciously being installed in Briant's home metropolis, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Haggen Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Briant mentioned his research into rubber nipples and actively predicted results for later this decade.
KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"We, the locals, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the flavored sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the community offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
After the incident, mayor Jones of Wichita spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman flatly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Vilnius University happily suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One aunt, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of bright insomnia on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.
Filled with fear, the spouse blurted, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"