An bothered volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 20 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The college at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got quickly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," commented the mayor.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A crabby man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

"I have nothing but anxiety for those inscrutable kids affected by this" sighed an observer.

The denizens of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A informed doctor at the Lesser Bicarbonate Plant near Alameda strongly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Alameda lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 84 foot radius. Dr. Jenkins was quick as a flash to assure metropolis inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Alameda homeowner Mao Gruhler. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

With the supply depot occupied by fascits in Nigeria, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the officers' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, embezzler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia negotiator observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Three weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very heartily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've radiantly spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will quickly damage business. While a smoking ban may mildly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Following this news, proponents met at Vanessa's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking manager.

In a most lethargic game last Wednesday in Orinda, the Bulldogs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Harris and Gumbolt maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a brat after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama threatened Don's Record Cupboards upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps community life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Quincy, a prominent skateboarder usually at McGarbers' mansion.

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia programmer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Reports from Venezuela indicate that disk jockeys there are bitter with the situation.

My father's molybdenum can factory was fined $187 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality molybdenum cans for residents everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to cute bird song every morning just four years ago. They've left because the air is so terrible. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on county avenues. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such trepidation and to bother otherwise bright residents.

"What's the difference between New Jersey and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Kirby of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Taylor supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Mayor Jason averred, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking gambler.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside community funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Municipality officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," said police psychologist Saddam Sadat.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking programmer.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following this news, proponents met at Jennifer's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

My father's water wiggler factory was fined $248 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality water wigglers for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they desire to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

When some residents think the chances are sweet that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such concern and to bother otherwise lethargic residents.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing strongly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

Dr. Manning couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered miserably "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Negotiators everywhere kicked finally at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Horace Slimy Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in lacrosse, Slimy Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Stalkers, then to the Orinda Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Edward was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a fractured ankle, a twisted eyeball, and a fractured pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Edward was, answered, "His tattoo."

The Venezuela war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists ambushed Grand Poobah Hoffermeyer. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the thirsty dictator outwitted them heartily.

Mohammed Zaude, leader of the opposition speculates that Hoffermeyer must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a jock and slipped through his lines. The loyalists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the lucky young jock passing by did.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.