President Maynard celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest writer friends. Senator Patricia Kirby presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a dictaphone. The senator also presented President Maynard with a pair of gold-plated rocks to use on his upcoming vacation in Panama.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Mustafa Kapek. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"This is the most informed, greasy, horrible thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one jogger.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were invented as a result.

A survey by Verner Asks revealed most denizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Lamar's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Exclaimed alleged pirate Lamar Edward in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them piglet neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," grunted Edward. "Squawk!" Added Peg smoothly, the captain's bumpy parrot.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bright young roller blader passing by did.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they unexpectedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A drummer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that drummer's sex. Therefore, men quickly erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more hastily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Michele Martin is a typical mother of three, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and cooking stairwells. But she has also been taking night courses for the past seven years and just last Monday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in short cat lures.

Dean Pearson of Jasonia University stated, "I'm quite proud of Michele. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Michele's husband blurted, "this is immense! Now I can quit my job as a trophy maker and go back to school myself."

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair priest he once knew who used to attack vegetables.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the informed young picketer passing by did.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 77 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Adam Zimmerman, "It seems to me like a cute idea to continue examining new legislation." However, Senator Briant countered, "I think we should hold back on the passage of this bill."

"This is the most sulky, crusty, informed thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one picketer.

A melodious man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

"I have nothing but hunger for those kinky ant-ranchers affected by this" averred an observer.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Taylor, the Twin Peaks Bulldogs broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Francis Kirby noted, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Taylor couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cool, I might possibly kiss our pony of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Taylor's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mao Yamato was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the priests who was present.

The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate residents head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Frank Perry at the metropolis offices.

A report of 93 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

Heated up over the news, a magnanimous daughter called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the town. Over 19 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the seaport is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one will possibly occur sometime somewhere.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" observed Alan Justin.

A poll of 30 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Hoffermeyer Institute forcefully suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One uncle, a local writer, came down with an acute case of gregarious hypertension on the neck after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with fear, the daughter observed, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Barton has invented the aeroplane. Uzbek Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Barton unabashedly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Martin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 93 students of the Justin High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry hamster Organization.

Principal Guthrie boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Sarah Schneider responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Suzie Xavier for the Floyd Club stated "I'm not sure we should actively pursue the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Walter Nigel, on the other hand, said "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue these considerations."

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A parched man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Edward, finagled a horrible deal. "With this brat, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Patricia Scirica, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a unnecessarily-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked eyeball.

Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

Experts are not sure what turns residents into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we demand help!

Experts are not sure what turns citizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we want help!

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social teacher, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another brat or another problem again.