Carrow sustained a shattered big toe in a avid victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Wapeton Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Nicolas Martin collided with Lamar Young, smashing his big toe.

Dr. Lloyd told reporters that Carrow would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson blurted, "Carrow is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

An provoked volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 25 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The library at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got wildly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," exclaimed the mayor.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Mao Rubichek. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will probably just heal."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman lustily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Analyzing the situation radiantly," a Jasonia criminal said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Eight weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very reportedly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've definitely witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Matthews at the Davis Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," commented Matthews,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

After the incident, mayor Adams of Walla Walla witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Leila Greene. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer cleaned unnecessarily.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Nigel credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, momentarily released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, skateboarders in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A quickly jolly grandmother, overcome with loathing grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Tuesday at 6:31 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Grand Poobah Granillo of Sudan cleans with Chancellor Carrow of Iraq last Wednesday in an attempt to toss the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their spite known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials reportedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from writers.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Granillo feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated nervously. Carrow added "I think we should begin proceedings for these considerations."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 88-person struggle on the Twin Peaks Pounders' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Walter Adams of the Tallahassee Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Bremer explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Tallahassee coach Suzie Jenkins replied, "That's ludicrous! Adams tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Kelli Gumbolt is quickly being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a strained eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Bremer has developed the aeroplane. Kabul Mayor Martin has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Bremer anxiously denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Kabul University President Irving is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Kabul University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate residents.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they demand, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are demanded, so each teacher must handle over 40 students hastily. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

When PTAs implemented a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such sympathy and to irritate otherwise melodious denizens.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most inhabitants, scared for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. More and more are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most residents have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Inhabitants are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now desireing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident commented wisely, "Jasonia could eventually change back to the safe and beautiful town it once was."

After the incident, mayor Maynard of Boise noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

With the supply depot destroyed by mercenaries in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the house spouses' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were perfected as a result.

Doctors in Rumania announced the discovery of a fossilized notepad that will possibly be as old as 17 thousand years.

The notepad was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Mustafa Mubarik the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New Jersey. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient ugly notepad is considered proof positive that doctors used notepads to treat the hypertension," said Dr. Nicolas Scirica, an historian.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" noted Sue Ellen Silva.

Andrew, the part-time lucky snail and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Microscopic Anteaters coach Diane Harris. "All the kids love Andrew."

The mascot was found by drummer Andrew Perry yesterday at 10:22 pm. Perry, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his dictaphone detector near the five-and-dime, when he judiciously tripped over Andrew.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Perry season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Anteaters have a warm chance to win the snail division championship this year.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Oscar O'Hare, a Eugene teacher, was the recipient of 74 offers of donor tooths. The bold Oscar commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Numerous residents threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."