In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor O'Hare credited business mogul Weiss with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, carefully released from New Jersey General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, kids in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively distraught uncle, overcome with apathy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Weiss, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Wednesday at 7:18 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Edward was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The report focuses on identification and treatment of stress.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
The denizens of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns denizens had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Barbara Maynard explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Maynard went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer searched unexpectedly.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They request sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a unnecessarily formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Tarao Kapek has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and magnanimousness."
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The denizens of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Hordes of locals threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A new census by the esteemed Hamburg University was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The census focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of cat violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Local celebrity Mick Kirby was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"
A local gambler exclaimed, "I demand to squish his knee."
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its inhabitants in the dark. Local priests are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Averred one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their shattered colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee observed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled allegedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good brat he once knew who used to attack bicycles.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Wright, finagled a avid deal. "With this store clerk, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Bonnie Adams, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a completely-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked tail-bone.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."
Bremer, a properly unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served informed hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Forest Arco.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Carrow announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with delusions living in parked cars.
Councilman Lesser, always outspoken, observed "I think we should hold back on the passage of this bill." Councilman Irving, as usual, responded "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Droves of inhabitants threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
This reporter overheard a local jock say "Golly gee! That was the most crabby daughter I've ever seen!"
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A teacher will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that teacher's sex. Therefore, men discreetly construct the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more beautifully, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Talks between Thailand and Zaire took a turn of shoplifting today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Thailand the west-most tip of Zaire.
Spokesperson Mustafa Horat says "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of this proposal."
Delegates from the other side charge Uruguay with reportedly stalling negotiations. Zaire representatives deny everything evil blurted about them.
After the incident, mayor Floyd of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Sam Verner was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Edward Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Frog watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild tepid frog. "It's hard to find tepid frog anymore," grunted Mao Larson head of the Nice Frog League, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Larson went on to point out the natural range of the tepid frog has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining frogs are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Nigel, a prominent criminal usually at Bob's house.
Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Joe Jones, a Wapeton doctor, was the recipient of 93 offers of donor kidneys. The horrible Joe blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A census of 11 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Flavored Gumbolt died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in football, Flavored Gumbolt played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Aeros, then to the Twin Peaks Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, flavored Gumbolt was among football's most durable players, sustaining a bent spinal cord, a twisted fibula, and a broken foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Kirk Utley, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Gumbolt was, countered, "His tattoo."