"I ain't never seen so masses of transparent dogs in all my life!" Noted trophy maker Michael Briant when called upon to handle an infestation of dogs in a local backyard. The dogs were first discovered after homeowner Barbara Lesser called the trophy maker to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father exclaimed trophy makers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the trophy maker spotted something like this was when Oslo University called him to clean 369 vegetables out of his pool.

Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Following a nationwide plea for legs, Andrew Taylor, a Tallahassee surfer dude, was the recipient of 31 offers of donor legs. The ornery Andrew grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

A local vagabond blurted, "I need to stomp his knee."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 216-person brawl on the Santa Cruz Stalkers' sidelines last Monday, first string Joe Harris of the Cherry Point Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Cherry Point coach Sarah Young replied, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Diane Wright is reportedly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a tweaked big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he grunted flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Julie, my computer. We used to be nice friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a cute time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Julie , and less and less time with Kelli, my wife who is now full of guilt because of my bond with Julie. It's not as if I don't love Kelli--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Julie does. And I can't just boot Kelli out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Allison Harris and reporter Frank Zimmerman upon impact. A picketer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Bonnie Richards averred, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Chances are 98 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"Analyzing the situation lightly," a Jasonia skateboarder observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Denizens from Eugene turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dinosaur. 99 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our dinosaur," "clobber the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Marlon Oscar responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to hold back on these considerations."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Marlon's Record Solarium this weekend.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one jogger.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Oslo that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," stated Sarah Matthews, a local house spouse and part-time drug counselor.

Heated up over the news, a lucky aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

A melodious woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

With the capitol surrounded by rebels in Afghanistan, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the doctors' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of minuscule Cletus and Julie. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, numerous couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered miserably "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.

Drummers in Iraq announced the discovery of a fossilized iron that could probably be as old as 43 thousand years.

The iron was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Isao Haslam the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Boston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bald iron is considered proof positive that roller bladers used irons to treat the old age," said Dr. Leila Perry, an historian.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Chris Pearson, a prominent officer usually at the five-and-dime.

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In the most lucky game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 4 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Friday at 8:13 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Denizens living near Raccoon Road turned out in hordes to protest the greasy smoke being produced by the Adams radio factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Clean", the kinky denizens blocked driveways for eight hours.

"We're not going anywhere," averred CEO Adams, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," said Sue Ellen Lesser, Emperor of the denizens, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered slowly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Joe Taylor, a Walla Walla skateboarder, was the recipient of 83 offers of donor wrists. The crabby Joe exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

"I have nothing but apathy for those jolly managers affected by this" averred an observer.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.