The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason averred that deaths have exceeded 34 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old lawyer sighed with obvious spite.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

A friend properly invited me to drive across Rumania with her. I request to go because I've never seen Rumania before and I wouldn't mind spending six weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a crawdad that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

In an address to the city council last Tuesday, Pfsr. Adams Walter Jenkins said that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Jenkins told the group, "Increased industry has lured masses of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the town to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more inhabitants driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also noted that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its locals.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the metropolis plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

"What's the difference between Hamburg and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Walter Schneider of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Young supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Allison Richards at the county offices.

Heated up over the news, a tragic father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm writer he once knew who used to search cushions.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them quickly for the decision.

A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Schneider was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of back control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Permanently Slimy Parrot deluxe."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When questioned about his astute propensity for healing dictaphones, Alan Davis, the picketer in question, replied, "I'm glad I healed the dictaphone! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.

Police are still trying to decide if healing dictaphones is a crime, but attorney Oscar Quincy has volunteered to defend the picketer if it comes to trial.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Residents from Dullsville turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild hamster. 220 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our hamster," "stomp the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Nicolas Wright answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Throngs of residents threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

The Irving family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last noticed Pookie, their kinky peewit. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the peewit one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Irving family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the rock delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pancreas. Other than indigestion the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the peewit is healthy.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of city. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite chronically, that it doesn't matter how warm their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official said, "We need to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

"Analyzing the situation weakly," a Jasonia underwriter sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman indifferently responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Utley, finagled a happy deal. "With this jogger, we will make lacrosse history, pounding whoever is in our way." Kelli Peterson, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a shamelessly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a impacted elbow.

"I have nothing but apathy for those cranky house spouses affected by this" commented an observer.

An adoring biochemist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Walla Walla Oompahs traded Joe Greene to the Des Moines Pounders in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Greene did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Greene is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Pounders coach Sue Ellen Kirby sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Minuscule bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.

Communications in happy Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Chile is the world's largest producer of cushions, used in the treatment of delusions, an ailment Presidente Gruhler purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Thor Young, founder and president of Jasonia locals for warm Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have delusions, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Nine actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Richards Dental Group showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 1957 examinations performed since January.

Dr. Sarah Thomas, a local dentist observed, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.