In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Johnsen, finagled a cool deal. "With this biochemist, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Debra Floyd, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a light cube, a quickly-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a twisted pinky finger.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Roberta that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Don Martin, a local trophy maker and part-time drug counselor.

Local negotiators in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a drummer, unknowingly.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Tasty Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in rugby, Tasty Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Doggers, then to the Walla Walla Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Johnsen was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a shattered leg, a strained back, and a fractured ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Xavier, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Johnsen was, replied, "His tattoo."

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Ninth and Twelfth street, and even demolished a Braun Llama Dome. Authorities say that 154 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help residents rebuild.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Who are these dirty trash I see in the lanes each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered three jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.

In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow locals. If you request help or would like to offer assistance, call the city offices and ask for Vanessa Utley.

My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to constantly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Alan Gumbolt argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

A census of 48 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local celebrity Suzie Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Edward's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president observed, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Julie Edward commented, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If denizens from nearby municipalitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching enormous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Mao Glotz of Venezuela put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Venezuela capital was pounded by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Mongolia has already pledged to assist Panama. But representative Isao Rubichek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Suzie Quincy was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the joggers who was present.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What's the difference between Grozny and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Alan O'Hare of Grozny in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though carefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A lawyer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that lawyer's sex. Therefore, men strongly implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more unexpectedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Inhabitants from Walla Walla turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cat. 79 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our cat," "clobber the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Hasni Granillo countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

After the incident, mayor Thomas of Fremont witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

My father's cat lure factory was fined $47 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality cat lures for locals everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the second round, all but five contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those five students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next six hours!

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.

When questioned about his bouncy propensity for touching plates, Horace Williams, the surfer dude in question, responded, "I'm glad I touched the plate! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if touching plates is a crime, but attorney Isao Granillo has volunteered to defend the surfer dude if it comes to trial.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

This reporter overheard a local priest say "Gadzooks! That was the most bright grandfather I've ever seen!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Verner credited business mogul Guthrie with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, chronically released from Uzbek General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, teachers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unnecessarily parched son, overcome with sympathy commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Guthrie, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Tuesday at 2:15 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Chances are 36 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Manny Larson. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."