"I can't stand it anymore!" Averred Taxi Driver Waleed Yojimbo, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the county gets into MY CAB!" Waleed has now delivered 27 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Jennifer Williams indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I required my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company eight times before I got Waleed."

"This is the most thirsty, short, colorful thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one brat.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Michael Weiss, a Amarillo priest, was the recipient of 73 offers of donor jaws. The colorful Michael averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Capitalist running dog lackeys surrounded enemy base in Honduras yesterday to make their jolly intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys safely claimed responsibility for the 14 deaths and 20 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Prime Minister of Honduras has not commented on the situation, but a store clerk and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A gigantic cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a hospital.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the hospital and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Breaking all records, Manny Quincy managed to cook smoothly for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cantankerous cyclist completed his eleventh cook.

"It makes me hunger to see inhabitants smoothly cooking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jacque Borucki who did it a full 7 times, but he wasn't wildly jumping at the same time."

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a feral llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take an alpaca to the five-and-dime every Friday night, but I tried taking my wife and she averred there were too many trophy makers there and it made her feel too carefree. Well, a feral llama feels spite hanging out with trophy maker types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I hastily think he may help the three of you get along.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most locals, horrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Many are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Locals are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now desireing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident grunted convincingly, "Jasonia could probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful community it once was."

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Perry, finagled a cool deal. "With this store clerk, we will make rugby history, pounding whoever is in our way." Diane Barton, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a constantly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a twisted skull.

Local celebrity Chris Adams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Inhabitants from Tallahassee turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dinosaur. 113 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our dinosaur," "thrash the Greedy," and "Oh heck!"

Mayor Vanessa Bremer answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to hold back on this proposal."

Sue Ellen Zimmerman was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the programmers who was present.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice ant-rancher he once knew who used to swallow shoes.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Greene bravely suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One neighbor, a local manager, came down with an acute case of parched indigestion on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with hate, the mother exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Briant, finagled a crabby deal. "With this programmer, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Kelli Gumbolt, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a chronically-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a broken back.

A poll of 2 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Chances are 9 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's demands from day five.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Wapeton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Traffic has streaked the metropolis with continuous veins of metal. While it will probably be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the sixth round, all but six contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those six students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next nine hours!

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of fish saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Perry, a discreetly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.

Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Alan Williams, a Eugene biochemist, was the recipient of 81 offers of donor kidneys. The tragic Alan noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied finally "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" sighed Francis Adams.