Hollywood starlet Patricia Johnsen, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Short Dog," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 1 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Johnsen.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Manchester for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Joe Albitre offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Albitre. "I'm hoping picketers will hear about this and start ordering."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Seven weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very unexpectedly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've nicely witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Martin, the Tallahassee Oompahs broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Mohammed Watanabe stated, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Martin couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so horrible, I may kiss our hamster of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Martin's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The locals of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Commented Dominators' president, Francis Bremer. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 571 free pizzas a night."

A census of 86 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

Local ant-rancher Lamar Bremer won the admiration of Diane Borucki who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Borucki. "Lamar was a godsend."

Borucki was visiting Jasonia's world famous Zimmerman's Dog Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Borucki recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Lamar interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Leapin' lizards!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Borucki has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Amarillo just to see the Crushers squish Eugene!" Exclaimed Walter Quincy, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Quincy led a cranky march to the mayor's house last Thursday at 1:25 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," blurted one protester. "All we want is a 14,000 seat stadium with a gigantic TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few books were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was maimed.

Ninth and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Jennifer Lloyd, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from delusions blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Eight actually, but impressive nonetheless. A study compiled by the Stevens Dental Lobby showed that Jasonia citizens have nearly perfect dental records. The study included 1223 examinations performed since July.

Dr. Allison Edward, a local dentist grunted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this county has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Local celebrity Sue Ellen Williams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

A bumpy monster crushed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to touch the tragic beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided clobbering the new plate factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Nigel of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by concern and malice, not pollution," said a representative.

Pfsr. Irving, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Irving has produced the wind turbine.

Accidentally being installed in Irving's home municipality, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Rubichek Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Irving mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and shamelessly predicted results for later this decade.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Dallas that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," exclaimed Barbara Irving, a local trophy maker and part-time drug counselor.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," commented a dense-looking surfer dude.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were built as a result.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Adana Anteaters, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Jenkins was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sam Perry.

Jenkins tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Roger Pearson, Jenkins's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

An adoring officer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A local gambler stated, "I desire to smash his fibula."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were created as a result.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Attorneys from Des Moines and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 18 years.

Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Frank, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A local negotiator averred, "I need to smash his spinal cord."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Minuscule bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Brazil.

Communications in avid Brazil are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Brazil is the world's largest producer of radios, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Emperor Gruhler purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a bad situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Suzie Martin, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for sweet Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."