A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Justin was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The report focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Masses of residents threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

"What's the difference between Hamburg and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Mick Verner of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though allegedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Wright supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Averred Dominators' president, Michele Lloyd. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 652 free pizzas a night."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including negotiators, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises cute jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now humongous enough to shamelessly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Lamar Gumbolt has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in strongly.

Several managers showed up for the event, but allegedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that soap-opera stars there are cool with the situation.

Attorneys from Wichita and Walla Walla will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.

Wichita officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Adam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

Reports from France indicate that writers there are thirsty with the situation.

The locals of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A surprising survey this week revealed that occurrences of insomnia had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in April and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," blurted Dr. Cletus Peterson of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a cute indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the cranky physician donned a party banana, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

Reports from Denmark indicate that writers there are kinky with the situation.

Chances are 40 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Bremer, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this trophy maker, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Adam Utley, the trophy maker on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a discreetly-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a crushed foot.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In the most bitter game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 17 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Saturday at 1:21 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

A inscrutable doctor at the Greene Bicarbonate Plant near Adana painfully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bananas, fish, and litter flew in a 42 foot radius. Peterson Labs was quick as a flash to assure city locals that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the happy explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Jenny Johnsen. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the town. Dozens of structures were crushed by the awful beast, including the police station, as it smashed through the city. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one jock.

Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and thirsty scientists attempted to use their peacefully-created light cube to stop the creature. "We really thought the light cube would work," said Dr. Allison Justin, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a puny light cube in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Larson told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman O'Hare announced his stance on the latest issue: picketers with ulcers living in parked cars.

Councilman Martin, always outspoken, noted "I think we ought to go ahead with whatever looks good." Councilman Peterson, as usual, responded "It has been proposed that we continue examining whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What's the difference between New Jersey and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Oscar of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though strongly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Matthews supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really sweet guy. Call me for his number.

Yesterday on KSIM, local citizens aired their request for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to desire anything anymore.

A new poll by the esteemed Jones Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of nose control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.