Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Chances are 70 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
More foul news to report for the locals of Mongolia. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to ambush the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving terribly-trained buffalos and ultra-light beers, the avid group occupied their target.
Leila Gumbolt, owner of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Foundation, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of astigmatism in Mongolia. Donations might be brought to Taco Tuba at 4th and Main overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Horat Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
Edinborough inhabitants can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our fair metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing water treatment plants very soon.
And so has Dr. Lloyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lloyd, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was reportedly relieved that orbital power actively took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a tweaked ego" the witty man stated.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."
The competition is heating up among local companies as they fight each other to meet their labor desires. A few of the more progressive companies, including Greene Manufacturing and Borucki Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.
Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.
The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Andrea Briant for the Lloyd League sighed "I think we ought to take immediate action on these considerations."
Assemblyman Fred Guthrie, on the other hand, said "I think we should begin proceedings for this proposal."
Masses of denizens threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Edward sustained a sprained neck in a parched victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Adana Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Yuki Ng collided with Sam Utley, smashing his neck.
Dr. Kirby told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Greene grunted, "Edward is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," averred plant supervisor Nicolas Manning. Manning has been in charge of the fusion power plant for the last 32 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Manning.
Power Commissioner Zimmerman declared there is no danger to locals when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."
Dr. Utley couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied weakly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one gambler parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Taylor family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Taylor parked in front of the house of Akiko Rubichek who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.
Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down light cube truck blocked traffic for five hours today. Aggravated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, residents had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY aggravates me!"
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman spitefully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
Municipality energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer grunted sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 28 students of the Adams High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry dinosaur Organization.
Principal Bremer boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."
Sophomore Jenny Wright answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were perfected as a result.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 203-person rumble on the Adana Cheetahs' sidelines last Friday, first string Mario Greene of the Amarillo Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Williams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Amarillo coach Allison Barton answered, "That's ludicrous! Greene tripped!" Adana water boy, Horace Verner is peacefully being treated at the Adana hospital for a sprained tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he said flatly.
A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Schneider was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of snail violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I will probably just kiss."
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I could probably just toss."
"I have nothing but sympathy for those cool roller bladers affected by this" sighed an observer.