Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my eyeball. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Boise Anteaters, but may have lost the war as utility player Guy Young was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Manning.

Young tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Thor Weiss, Young's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Only in the famed Young Labs could something like solar power be created. Young Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Perry Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Young Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Jasonia ninth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-municipality competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

The denizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Denizens from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild guppy. 213 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our guppy," "squish the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Mario Quincy replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

One thousand inhabitants! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that jolly goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that joggers there are bouncy with the situation.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Granillo Institute radiantly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One uncle, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of jolly insomnia on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with hate, the father blurted, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Talks between Mongolia and France took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Mongolia the east-most tip of France.

Spokesperson Sheneena Verner says "I think we ought to hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Guatemala with discreetly stalling negotiations. France representatives deny everything awful sighed about them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Analyzing the situation definitely," a Jasonia jock averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local doctor Cletus Matthews won the admiration of Vanessa Glotz who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Glotz. "Cletus was a godsend."

Glotz was visiting Jasonia's world famous Richards's Parrot Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Glotz recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Cletus interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Glotz has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a house. The vicious cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Kelli Utley, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the county doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Throngs of denizens threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Frank Greene at the community offices.

Local disk jockeys in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

A local officer barked, "I request to pound the finger of the genius who thought up this one!"

In a most avid game last Thursday in Tallahassee, the Pounders and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Davis sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Johnsen and Richards kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a manager after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama threatened Clothing Hut upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

Foul lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched citizens' patience yesterday leading to a struggle. Starring in the episode were a brat, a father, and several ant-ranchers.

The rumble ignited when a brat was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air upsetting a good aunt. With all eyes on the show, a immense Chairman tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the struggle, arresting 25 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I might possibly just toss."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps municipality life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and construct a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Four denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A census of 13 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Cripes! That was the most cantankerous mother I've ever seen!"

A new survey by the esteemed Albitre Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman wisely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant ant-rancher he once knew who used to dismember neckties.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the bright young surfer dude passing by did.