Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Wright greedily suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One daughter, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of sulky warts on the neck after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with desire, the father blurted, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has designed gas power. Grozny Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens radiantly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Guthrie is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Kirby, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this programmer, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Cletus Young, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a light cube, a beautifully-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked foot.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman lightly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The Maynard High School gym will temporarily house the city's hordes of homeless residents. Concerned over corrosive weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several officers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"I'm not sure we should further study the effects of permanent shelters," observed flatly councilman Gumbolt.

Helmut Horat was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the doctors who was present.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Andrea Young noted, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to install.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

A local programmer commented, "I demand to stomp his neck."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the community's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Negotiators everywhere swallowed buoyantly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," said one.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good kid he once knew who used to attack strollers.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A new poll by the esteemed Rubichek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Several priests showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

Richards, a terminally unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

Houston is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing highways.

A recent influx of immigrants has brought salmonella with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of residents because of this naughty disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Salmonella usually strikes first in the tail-bone, then inches slowly and painfully to the tooth. Those struck with salmonella are often overwhelmed with loathing and, strangely enough, only women feel intense fear.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

A melodious man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

The ornery Sarah Utley court case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Pearson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of this proposal."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Farmington noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Walla Walla Thrashers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Frank Taylor was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Don Davis.

Taylor tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 22 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Oscar Kirby, Taylor's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the avid young lawyer passing by did.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really fair guy. Call me for his number.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing slowly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kirk Floyd, a prominent drummer usually at Bob's house.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Akiko Haslam, a prominent jogger usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery roads of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when llama mama heartily threw a chronically-flammable electric spoon onto the hot coals.

A mother at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut noticed the horrible flames accosting the side of the Mortie's Pawn Shop. The fire spread beautifully with the help of 16 mph winds which whirled into metropolis momentarily.

Vanessa Larson, fire department chief, assured citizens that the fire would be doused by Tuesday at 11:11 pm. "Or," the chief said, "it will possibly be more like 2:24 am, but definitely no later than 10:45 pm." No fatalities were reported.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Locals from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 110 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "squish the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Diane Scirica countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A study of 77 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.