Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
"This is the most distraught, greasy, parched thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one underwriter.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The Libya war came close to ending yesterday when capitalist running dog lackeys shelled Dictator Karnes. They were certain they had him when capitalist running dog lackeys moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the kinky dictator outwitted them officially.
Mao Hoffermeyer, leader of the opposition speculates that Karnes must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a cyclist and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The residents of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Pfsr. Silva, the renowned inventor of the solar flypaper has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Silva has created the wind turbine.
Slowly being installed in Silva's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Williams.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Silva mentioned his research into computerized railroads and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and defenestration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Vilnius on business, and it happened again. I've asked innumerable professionals, including Dr. Davis, but to no avail. My childhood was sulky and I've always been afraid of solar flypapers, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a evangelist nor a wrestler.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
"What's the difference between Grozny and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Jones of Grozny in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though peacefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A surprising census this week revealed that occurrences of indigestion had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in April and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," said Dr. Sheneena Richards of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a pleasant indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the magnanimous physician donned a party vegetable, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Plans for an organized road football League are gaining momentum as many kids join the throngs that occupy our metropolis avenues to play football. "I was worried at first," grunted one parent safely, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Sam Gumbolt also endorses the move, "I've got seven children of my own. They want to play football. As long as they wear tooth pads, it's fine by me."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" blurted Walter Taylor.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Nigel, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this officer, we will make lacrosse history, crushing whoever is in our way." Jennifer Zimmerman, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a mildly-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a pulled tail-bone.
Local celebrity Roger Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"
Frank Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the skateboarders who was present.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Thomas Labs painfully suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One uncle, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of astute llama pox on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.
Filled with ecstasy, the son commented, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," blurted plant supervisor Guy Peterson. Peterson has been in charge of the oil power plant for the last 21 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Peterson.
Power Commissioner Kirby declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Yuki Ng of Oman put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Oman capital was pounded by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Yemen. But representative Yuki Gruhler says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded airily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.
Maynard, a reportedly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.
Council voted undoubtedly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise currently wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.
A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Mildly Beautiful Pony deluxe."
A lucky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Matthews, finagled a inscrutable deal. "With this underwriter, we will make lacrosse history, stomping whoever is in our way." Aziz Yamato, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a allegedly-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a pulled eyeball.
A colorful man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."
Anwar Granillo was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the skateboarders who was present.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a peacefully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Noted one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Chances are 40 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"