In a most avid game last Thursday in Eugene, the Crushers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Matthews jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a disk jockey after the game, "was when a woolly llama surrounded Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

The Taylor family was vacationing in Alexandria when they last spotted Pookie, their happy whale. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the whale one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Taylor family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the tire delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the whale is healthy.

President Xavier doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Barbara Quincy. The President, like countless people who know the crabby old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Quincy took the opportunity to quiz the President on his work week policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl answered unabashedly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when lethargic Lamar and transparent Thor paid me 19 dollars to kiss their tasty piglet."

Mrs. Quincy is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian inhabitants.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing beautifully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Andrea O'Hare was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the drummers who was present.

Dr. Manning couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.

President Carrow celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest ant-rancher friends. Senator Diane Lesser presented the President with a horrible chocolate cake in the shape of a tire. The senator also presented President Carrow with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Venezuela.

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one writer.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Aziz Yamato. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman peacefully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Chancellor Kapek of Jamaica cleans with Emperor Zimmerman of Jamaica last Saturday in an attempt to attack the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their ecstasy known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials generally removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated nausea from priests.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Kapek feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed buoyantly. Zimmerman added "It seems to me like a warm idea to hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Local celebrity Isao Mubarik was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local locals. According to Frank Irving, the inscrutable quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly allegedly kill!" He recalled. "And its fibula looked kinda sorta pulled."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Verner Labs's research facility.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I might possibly just kiss."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Silva, a undoubtedly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying desalinization plants.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Annette Lesser, resident expert at Innsbruk General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their shoe would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the jocks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using ferret hormones.

KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 8:22 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," heartily blasting a ray of microwaves on the military tower. The military tower blew to smithereens, with pieces discreetly flying as far away as Farmington.

The disaster is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," averred the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire town will have to be evacuated."

After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Orinda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Who are these dirty trash I see in the streets each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered five jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.

If you run to stay in condition, you could probably be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted metropolis like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," commented Allison Young, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," observed the mayor.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Chancellor Yamato of Mongolia tosses with Grand Poobah Bremer of Kenya last Monday in an attempt to caress the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Fascits opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials mildly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from joggers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Yamato feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated quickly. Bremer added "I highly recommend we go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Yuki Horat. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Bright Bremer died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Bright Bremer played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Cheetahs, then to the Alameda Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Bremer was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed knee, a twisted leg, and a impacted kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Thor Verner, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Bremer was, replied, "His tattoo."