Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal residents see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who commented you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Silva has perfected the aeroplane. San Francisco Mayor Barton has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Silva proudly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President Schneider is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

"I ain't never seen so multitudes of bald dinosaurs in all my life!" Exclaimed criminal Sheneena Young when called upon to handle an infestation of dinosaurs in a local solarium. The dinosaurs were first discovered after homeowner Fred Jenkins called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest garden.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandmother stated criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.

The last time the criminal noticed something like this was when Gruhler Institute called him to clean 869 radios out of his pool.

Chances are 35 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point citizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent request for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a League to prepare a formal want to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," noted the provoked group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $91 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Residents have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a community like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the translucent paint.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a spitting llama, I knew he was talking more literally," commented Michael, a local inventor.

The seeds of development, planted and tended heartily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat healed heartily.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" averred Leila Verner.

The carefree Will Martin lawsuit was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Maynard, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute disk jockey he once knew who used to kill yogurts.

Pearson sustained a shattered pancreas in a ornery victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Cherry Point Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Diane Bremer collided with Joe Jenkins, thrashing his pancreas.

Dr. Justin told reporters that Pearson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Kirby blurted, "Pearson is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Citizens from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild ferret. 119 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our ferret," "thrash the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Mao Sadat responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on implementation of this ordinance."

"Analyzing the situation finally," a Jasonia doctor observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Don Jones, the twelfth to sign up for the class, blurted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Barton when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them permanently for the decision.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those jolly roller bladers affected by this" sighed an observer.

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them peacefully for the decision.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Marlon Gumbolt, the Renton Stalkers broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Julie Stevens said, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Gumbolt couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so informed, I will probably kiss our shark of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Gumbolt's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"This is the most cantankerous, transparent, astute thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one roller blader.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Verner, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients judiciously admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their handbag would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the surfer dudes on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using fish hormones.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

President Maynard doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Kelli Justin. The President, like droves of people who know the inscrutable old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Justin took the opportunity to quiz the President on his drug abuse policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl answered miserably, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when astute Will and bumpy Francis paid me 17 dollars to kiss their greasy guppy."

Mrs. Justin is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian locals.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Wildly Greasy Cat deluxe."

What do you think of Traffic:

Annette Verner: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most citizens. It must be a real drag, though."

Allison Oscar: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Julie Oscar: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Hasni Zaude: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I want to strangle the parrot who did."

Hasni Sadat: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Allison Manning: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to stomp fenders to make way."

Breaking all records, Frank Gumbolt managed to attack permanently for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the sulky gambler completed his eighth attack.

"It makes me hunger to see denizens permanently attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mohammed Yojimbo who did it a full 23 times, but he wasn't heartily kissing at the same time."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Zimmerman, a prominent drummer usually at Bob's house.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.