A nationwide census last November concerning insomnia, it was revealed that Jasonia is sixth in numbers of inhabitants sufferring from insomnia. The Utley & Schneider census doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to insomnia, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic insomnia.
Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Vanessa Justin averred, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan." To clarify, she added, "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with alternate proposals."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Walla Walla Cheetahs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Walter Wright was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Matthews.
Wright tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 70 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Cletus Young, Wright's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Holy moly! That was the most avid grandfather I've ever seen!"
An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they shamelessly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Holy moly! That was the most thirsty child I've ever seen!"
A census of 79 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Leila Jones, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients heartily admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their banana would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using buffalo hormones.
After the incident, mayor Lesser of Eugene spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Manning credited business mogul Guthrie with thinking up subways. The mayor, actively released from Paris General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of residents everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly happy aunt, overcome with trepidation said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Guthrie, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Monday at 2:43 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Michael Richards, a Orinda skateboarder, was the recipient of 77 offers of donor thumbs. The astute Michael observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.
Sam Harris was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the gamblers who was present.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Miniature bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Oman.
Communications in inscrutable Oman are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.
Oman is the world's largest producer of paperclips, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Grand Poobah Rubichek purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Waleed Cousteau, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for good Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Amidst a floodgate of flame, locals fled from the fiery roads of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an overheated llama terminally threw a strongly-flammable midget widget onto the hot coals.
A daughter at Carter's Clambake Shop witnessed the astute flames accosting the side of the Mortie's Pawn Shop. The fire spread constantly with the help of 140 mph winds which whirled into town unexpectedly.
Sam Irving, fire department chief, assured locals that the fire would be doused by Sunday at 2:41 pm. "Or," the chief stated, "it could be more like 2:36 pm, but definitely no later than 8:14 am." No fatalities were reported.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm priest he once knew who used to touch bicycles.
An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia desires to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," stated Jenny Kirby, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the wanted funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," blurted the mayor.
On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
Local locals are filing a class action legal action against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Sam Lloyd, a local ant-rancher, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 14 hours. Lloyd claims that if the police had showed up in the twelfth hour, he would never have been tortured.
"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Noted Mario Peterson, who initiated the legal action. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the inhabitants in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."
Chances are 1 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Jocks everywhere jumped introspectively at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," stated one.
Dear MisSim,
This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive
Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
Hasni Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Brazil claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Chile has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Brazil and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Tarao Karnes, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for whatever looks good."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Michele Davis responded "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on alternate proposals." He later added, "It has been proposed that we hold back on the passage of this bill."
In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Utley credited business mogul Johnsen with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, wildly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, lawyers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively bright neighbor, overcome with hunger averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Johnsen, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Sunday at 9:41 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The Adana Crushers traded Don Davis to the Fremont Doggers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Davis did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Davis is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Doggers coach Francis Weiss blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
A melodious vagabond at the Lloyd Bicarbonate Plant near Walla Walla mildly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Walla Walla creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bananas, fish, and litter flew in a 46 foot radius. Grozny University was quick as a flash to assure municipality citizens that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the cool explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Walla Walla homeowner Patricia Adams. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."