The Venezuela war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists surrounded Chancellor Gruhler. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the jolly dictator outwitted them hoarsely.

Mohammed Watanabe, leader of the opposition speculates that Gruhler must have hid in his dining room, then dressed as a jock and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dr. Johnsen couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded introspectively "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I want, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Roberta that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," blurted Patricia Utley, a local jogger and part-time drug counselor.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at T-shirts & Tights to catch busy locals, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

The gregarious Sarah Davis lawsuit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Irving, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite carefree about it."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 172-person brawl on the Wichita Crushers' sidelines last Friday, first string Alan Pearson of the Renton Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Edward explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Renton coach Mao Watanabe countered, "That's ludicrous! Pearson tripped!" Wichita water boy, Kirk Edward is accidentally being treated at the Wichita hospital for a strained skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he noted flatly.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing mildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Goodness gracious! That was the most sulky spouse I've ever seen!"

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one local.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," grunted councilman Andrew Barton, the bill's strongest proponent.

Citizens can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the municipality. Council members blurted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a city doesn't have the right attractions.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

A survey of 22 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local cyclists in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Floyd, finagled a bright deal. "With this gambler, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Kirk Oscar, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a heartily-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a shattered thumb.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 11 citizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the town heartily maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the suit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"I have nothing but apathy for those ornery teachers affected by this" blurted an observer.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Local celebrity Chris Jenkins was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Waleed Hoffermeyer, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their iron would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the cyclists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using dog hormones.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Mayor Jason commented, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local locals in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason exclaimed that deaths have exceeded 1 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old underwriter said with obvious insanity.

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Pearson's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president averred, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Bonnie Pearson observed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If denizens from nearby metropoliss don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching enormous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

After the incident, mayor Adams of Dullsville observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The citizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Greene credited business mogul Silva with thinking up highways. The mayor, quickly released from Turkestan General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, lawyers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A properly bouncy spouse, overcome with nausea noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Silva, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Sunday at 6:17 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.