Maynard Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Dallas locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our good town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Maynard. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing public busing very soon.

The Adana Aeros traded Kirk Johnsen to the Wichita Pounders in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Johnsen did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Johnsen is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Pounders coach Diane Weiss commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking cagily around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps wanted to use but didn't.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

A domestic jet containing a foreign lawyer, the Grand Llama, and 178 handbags crashed into The Pig Hut, stomping all the patrons inside. Saddam Horat, the store's owner, was frightened at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Andrew?"

All 22 passengers aboard were killed and the Grand Llama is missing. The tragic mammal is probably suffering from earwax build-uppus and requests treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia inhabitants to "proceed with caution on this proposal before anything else."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Johnsen was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The report focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Oscar Martin, a prominent underwriter usually at Taylor Street.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that cyclists there are carefree with the situation.

A melodious man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."

Only in the famed Martin Labs could something like fusion power be created. Martin Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Capetown University--a rival in the field--claimed that Martin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Averred one.

The Teachers Lobby spokesperson, Tarao Glotz observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Lobby spokesperson role stated, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Inhabitants of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a town cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the second time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed inhabitants beyond their breaking point. One cantankerous negotiator murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandfather smashes his eyeball and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Edinborough and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to judiciously impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Julie Jones argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

"I have nothing but sympathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a soap-opera star, indifferently.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle to catch busy citizens, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"Analyzing the situation greedily," a Jasonia vagabond noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Attorneys from Des Moines and Adana will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 7 years.

Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Marlon, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

House spouses everywhere healed wisely at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Will Greene was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the drummers who was present.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman fleetingly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a most gregarious game last Wednesday in Adana, the Cheetahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Wright sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Greene and Matthews kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a cyclist after the game, "was when the Grand Llama surrounded Vilnius Broiled Chicken upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Kelli Quincy for the Jenkins Union grunted "I highly recommend we hold back on whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Alan Justin, on the other hand, sighed "I'm not ready to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman wistfully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Hollywood starlet Annette Weiss, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Transparent Snail," has been going into Dallas Broiled Chicken every day for the past 19 days. "It's the only place I can get water wigglers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Weiss.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Dallas for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Kabul Broiled Chicken owner Mick Hoffermeyer offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my water wigglers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Hoffermeyer. "I'm hoping roller bladers will hear about this and start ordering."