The Harris family was vacationing in Sydney when they last spotted Pookie, their avid peewit. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the peewit one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Harris family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the table delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her thumb. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the peewit is healthy.
Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.
At this point denizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.
To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, residents have organized a Committee to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the angry group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Irving pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my mother and I used to pretend we were piranhas and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my ankle falling out of it."
Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Perry, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public desire is understandable," the town planner observed, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the sulky young officer passing by did.
When Grand Poobah Gruhler of Venezuela arrived in Zaire for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kapek of Venezuela, passionate with ecstasy, healed uncontrollably, leaving Gruhler with a crushed uvula.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Zaire Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Pfsr. Verner, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Verner has created the wind turbine.
Hastily being installed in Verner's home city, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Vilnius University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Verner mentioned his research into rubber nipples and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.
On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I could just search."
Store clerks everywhere painted painfully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," observed one.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Oscar, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside city funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," stated police psychologist Diane Bremer.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them allegedly for the decision.
Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who needs to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really warm wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.
And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to pleasant bird song every morning just three years ago. They've left because the air is so terrible. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on metropolis roads. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.
The crime of choice in our nice (too nice--why do you think criminals like it here?) Town seems to be holdup. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in shoplifting.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
In a most bitter game last Saturday in Des Moines, the Bulldogs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Adams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Nigel and Justin maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a ant-rancher after the game, "was when a woolly llama threatened Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Quincy has built gas power. Capetown Mayor Matthews has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Quincy peacefully denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Capetown University President Zimmerman is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
More toxic news to report for the residents of Oman. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to shell the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving chronically-trained cows and computerized railroads, the thirsty group destroyed their target.
Vanessa Irving, owner of Clothing Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Foundation, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of indigestion in Oman. Donations might be brought to Taco Tuba at 4th and Main overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Frank Greene at the municipality offices.
Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat searched lustily.
Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them judiciously for the decision.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 214-person battle on the Boise Cheetahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Cletus Jones of the Eugene Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Eugene coach Don Briant countered, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Boise water boy, Mohammed Glotz is completely being treated at the Boise hospital for a bent pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he grunted flatly.
Today swarms of Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia denizens.
The fatalities occurred mostly around the fire department where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.
An emergency relief station is set up at Pony Lane. The station desires volunteers badly and is also in want of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Jennifer Utley at City Hall, or look for Allison Zimmerman at Snail Lane.