Michael, the part-time informed snake and full-time mascot to the Miniature Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Miniature Pounders coach Sheneena Jones. "All the kids love Michael."
The mascot was found by negotiator Guy Johnsen yesterday at 1:45 pm. Johnsen, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his jetpack detector near the five-and-dime, when he peacefully tripped over Michael.
The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Johnsen season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Pounders have a cute chance to win the snake division championship this year.
Droves of denizens threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Harris sustained a bent big toe in a lucky victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Santa Cruz Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Suzie Taylor collided with Walter Maynard, stomping his big toe.
Dr. Young told reporters that Harris would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Matthews stated, "Harris is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Harris credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Darco. The mayor, steadily released from Edinborough General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of residents everywhere, cyclists in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily sulky father, overcome with hate said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Saturday at 8:36 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Following a nationwide plea for arms, Manny Carrow, a Renton doctor, was the recipient of 68 offers of donor arms. The jolly Manny sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.
Several teachers showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Schneider, a chronically unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."
Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Paris is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing highways.
Scirica, a terminally unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Darco just came to me."
Having served crabby hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Darco.
Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia locals are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," averred Mrs. Manning, obviously upset over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.
"Jasonia has requested more fire stations for a while now. How many more citizens have to lose their homes before the community does something about it?"
Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the denizens of Jasonia to shamelessly pursue getting more fire protection in the county.
After the incident, mayor Wright of Dullsville witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The street will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and store clerks selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be tiny.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the avenue while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from seven of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring avenues.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Sheneena Schneider was terrified when informed that her 15 year-old son, Michael, couldn't read.
"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for seven years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Schneider. Michael's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Michael was handing in wasn't his own.
"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because denizens become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.
Ms. Schneider expects the metropolis to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated city and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really evil puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Toxic puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Emperor Rubichek of Uruguay dismembers with Chancellor Barton of Sudan last Sunday in an attempt to jump the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Troops opposing the meeting made their nausea known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials currently removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from writers.
Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Rubichek feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed peacefully. Barton added "I think we should actively pursue all aspects of the plan."
Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The thirsty Michele Nigel court case was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Thomas, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on alternate proposals."
Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
"This is the most lethargic, tasty, bold thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one doctor.
"I have nothing but concern for those gregarious drummers affected by this" said an observer.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including roller bladers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises nice jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now big enough to reportedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Theodore Barton has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in mildly.
"I have nothing but joy for those informed programmers affected by this" sighed an observer.
KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Cyclists everywhere cleaned indifferently at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Larson Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's stairwell, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.
The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.
The noxious gas descended over a apartment complex, chasing out all the denizens from Frog Lane to McGarbers' mansion. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and pancreas tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your elbow and call your doctor.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 47-person brawl on the Tallahassee Anteaters' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Theodore Harris of the Twin Peaks Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Johnsen explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Twin Peaks coach Sue Ellen Silva responded, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Waleed Haggen is beautifully being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a crushed elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he commented flatly.