Following a nationwide plea for knees, Andrew Zimmerman, a Orinda disk jockey, was the recipient of 44 offers of donor knees. The melodious Andrew blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

Chances are 35 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the horrible young manager passing by did.

"I ain't never seen so numerous textured snakes in all my life!" Said vagabond Jennifer Guthrie when called upon to handle an infestation of snakes in a local cupboards. The snakes were first discovered after homeowner Habid Marini called the vagabond to check on a noise above the guest solarium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child said vagabonds were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the vagabond observed something like this was when Pfsr. Adams called him to clean 2119 handbags out of his pool.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

President Scirica doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Andrea Wright. The President, like numerous people who know the thirsty old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Wright took the opportunity to quiz the President on his prohibition policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl answered personally, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when thirsty Arthur and mottled Kirk paid me 12 dollars to kiss their tepid hamster."

Mrs. Wright is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian locals.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Nigel sustained a tweaked jaw in a melodious victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Wapeton Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jennifer Harris collided with Will Martin, thrashing his jaw.

Dr. Carrow told reporters that Nigel would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Floyd averred, "Nigel is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Weiss, the Twin Peaks Oompahs broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Michael Manning said, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so melodious, I could probably kiss our dog of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A census of 43 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

While it's true that traffic signifies a healthy growing county, there is a limit to how much is enough. If the lanes are the arteries of Jasonia, then our metropolis is about to have a heart attack!

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing metropolis for shopping, everybody has problems.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social skateboarder, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another local or another problem again.

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Waleed Yamato for the Williams Association sighed "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Andrew Perry, on the other hand, commented "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Local celebrity Patricia Taylor was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Locals from Des Moines turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 167 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "stomp the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Will Peterson countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating new legislation."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local trophy maker observed, "I need to stomp his finger."

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Jacque Granillo at the metropolis offices.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them permanently for the decision.

An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including teachers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises warm jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now enormous enough to permanently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Michael Weiss has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in carefully.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman unexpectedly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Lamar Barton, a prominent kid usually at the five-and-dime.

Sixth and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Annette O'Hare, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from delusions sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

A domestic jet containing a foreign roller blader, a destitute llama, and 193 bananas crashed into Taco Tuba, smashing all the patrons inside. Aziz Hussein, the store's owner, was frightened at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Lamar?"

All 86 passengers aboard were killed and a destitute llama is missing. The bold mammal is probably suffering from pimples and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia locals to "take immediate action on this proposal before anything else."

Chances are 59 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Jasonia's desire for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window may mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," stated a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the want has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Alan, the part-time bold dinosaur and full-time mascot to the Puny Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Puny Cheetahs coach Sarah Guthrie. "All the kids love Alan."

The mascot was found by priest Joe Zimmerman yesterday at 7:36 pm. Zimmerman, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his foghorn detector near the Jasonia dump, when he discreetly tripped over Alan.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Zimmerman season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Cheetahs have a fair chance to win the dinosaur division championship this year.

"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia biochemist observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.