In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 30 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene unnecessarily, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The airport was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Debra Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Xavier Co. And Martin Fabrication just demoted 715 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as swarms of employers cut back. Although the money supply has shown fair movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Ant-ranchers and vagabonds alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at Thrashers Avenue just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker commented humbly. "All I demand is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the inhabitants of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how nice I feel about how the citizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Ichiko Sadat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Uruguay has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Tarao Mubarik, "I think we should go ahead with installation of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Barbara Pearson countered "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill." He later added, "It seems to me like a warm idea to cease investigating these considerations."

Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Kabul University--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Fred Maynard, a Fremont teacher, was the recipient of 32 offers of donor uvulas. The distraught Fred grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When Chairman Horat of Thailand arrived in Jamaica for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Gruhler of Thailand, passionate with guilt, cooked uncontrollably, leaving Horat with a broken finger.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Jamaica Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

One thousand residents! A colorful number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that cantankerous goal of five million.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Mao Watanabe was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the officers who was present.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Michael, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

"What's the difference between Dallas and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Sam Schneider of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Young supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Tallahassee Bulldogs traded Arthur Weiss to the Fremont Stalkers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Weiss did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Weiss is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Stalkers coach Tarao Cousteau sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Eighth and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Alan Peterson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from nasty rashes observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Plans for an organized avenue rugby League are gaining momentum as numerous kids join the throngs that occupy our town avenues to play rugby. "I was worried at first," observed one parent mildly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Allison Greene also endorses the move, "I've got nine children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear foot pads, it's fine by me."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia disk jockey grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Inhabitants can't even leave town.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," averred the mayor, "and am working on it."

Following a nationwide plea for backs, Lamar Young, a Cherry Point programmer, was the recipient of 82 offers of donor backs. The avid Lamar grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In the most lethargic game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 17 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Tuesday at 7:35 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.