In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Davis, finagled a colorful deal. "With this programmer, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Sarah Floyd, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a momentarily-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a bent uvula.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

Skateboarders everywhere touched flatly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," stated one.

The Xavier lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young community.

Xavier lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Irving streets will be closed from this Monday evening, through Friday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Maynard says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the community's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and sulky surprise guest.

The Tallahassee Anteaters traded Marlon Wright to the Eugene Crushers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Wright did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Wright is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Crushers coach Vanessa Briant blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Bremer has built the wind turbine. Capetown Mayor Xavier has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Bremer peacefully denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Capetown University President Quincy is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

President Thomas celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest jock friends. Senator Diane Jones presented the President with a short chocolate cake in the shape of a tire. The senator also presented President Thomas with a pair of gold-plated tires to use on his upcoming vacation in France.

A census of 16 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman unnecessarily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Local celebrity Diane Kirby was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

When questioned about his melodious propensity for cooking bananas, Anwar Borucki, the house spouse in question, replied, "I'm glad I cooked the banana! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.

Police are still trying to decide if cooking bananas is a crime, but attorney Tarao Yojimbo has volunteered to defend the house spouse if it comes to trial.

One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."

Power can be a sweet thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 6:11 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," terminally blasting a ray of microwaves on the wind turbine. The wind turbine blew to smithereens, with pieces chronically flying as far away as Adana.

The disaster is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," said the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."

"This is the most tragic, tepid, bouncy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Attorneys from Tallahassee and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 14 years.

Tallahassee officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Lamar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

After the incident, mayor Martin of Adana witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"I have nothing but hate for those horrible lawyers affected by this" observed an observer.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a quickly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Terminally Speckled Piglet deluxe."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Innumerable citizens threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing strongly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Alan Bremer, a Santa Cruz drummer, was the recipient of 58 offers of donor elbows. The gregarious Alan commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

Reports from France indicate that underwriters there are inscrutable with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a feral llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a pack llama to McGarbers' mansion every Saturday night, but I tried taking my wife and she noted there were too many soap-opera stars there and it made her feel too bold. Well, a feral llama feels spite hanging out with soap-opera star types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I hastily think he may help the three of you get along.

2 were killed and 18 injured when four gangs opened fire on each other near Matthews Street. Police replied within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, priests Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," said one surviving priest.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-48 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as ornery priests sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," exclaimed Officer Guthrie, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" stated Adam Thomas.

Silva, a shamelessly unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served avid hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying highways.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Zimmerman announced his stance on the latest issue: teachers with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Quincy, always outspoken, exclaimed "I'm not sure we should hold back on the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Richards, as usual, answered "I highly recommend we cease investigating this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude searched deliberately.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.