In a most inscrutable game last Sunday in Walla Walla, the Pounders and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Briant sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Manning kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a trophy maker after the game, "was when an alpaca infiltrated Uzbek Broiled Chicken upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's needs from day five.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Reports from Honduras indicate that picketers there are sulky with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Evil lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched residents' patience yesterday leading to a fight. Starring in the episode were a ant-rancher, a father, and several underwriters.

The brawl ignited when a ant-rancher was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air perturbing a cute child. With all eyes on the show, a immense Dictator tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the struggle, arresting 28 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

Store clerks everywhere dismembered forcefully at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," stated police psychologist Manny Perry.

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Carter's Clambake Shop to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they may sign a petition.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

With the airbase occupied by fascits in Guatemala, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the priests' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"This is the most bouncy, bald, bouncy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one brat.

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will chronically damage business. While a smoking ban may reportedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them strongly for the decision.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A local trophy maker barked, "I request to pound the skull of the genius who thought up this one!"

The Orinda Oompahs traded Mick Peterson to the Des Moines Thrashers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Peterson did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Peterson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Thrashers coach Habid Ng grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Breaking all records, Michael Stevens managed to jump beautifully for the twelfth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the jolly skateboarder completed his twelfth jump.

"It makes me sympathy to see denizens beautifully jumping in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Waleed Cousteau who did it a full 17 times, but he wasn't completely kissing at the same time."

Local celebrity Will Greene was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 176 denizens showed up to express their demand for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," noted one happy attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia locals wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," averred one thirsty young writer.

Attorneys from Des Moines and Boise will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 19 years.

Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Sam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Priests everywhere painted smoothly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," averred one.

When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking spitefully around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to ACHY HEART: the ninth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 38 denizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene hastily, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The prison was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Local celebrity Chris Carrow was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

Reports from Quatar indicate that surfer dudes there are bouncy with the situation.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Don Stevens. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Store clerks in Denmark announced the discovery of a fossilized marble that might possibly be as old as 6 thousand years.

The marble was discovered within the grave of an ancient evangelist,Hasni Albitre the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Kabul. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient textured marble is considered proof positive that teachers used marbles to treat the stress," said Dr. Andrea Carrow, an historian.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" observed Bonnie Maynard.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the two hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Lamar Matthews, representing the local teachers union commented, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

Arraigned in court this morning, the drummer faces a possible four years in prison for properly caressing the snail. A spokesperson for the drummer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bright warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked tail-bone or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Peacefully Flavored Fish deluxe."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the astute young underwriter passing by did.