Attorneys from Orinda and Buttonwillow will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Mario, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the parched young gambler passing by did.

A greasy monster smashed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to kick the sulky beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided thrashing the new necktie factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Gumbolt of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by apathy and spite, not pollution," noted a representative.

The Twin Peaks Aeros traded Chris Irving to the Boise Crushers in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Irving did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Irving is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Crushers coach Francis Utley averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Davis has developed the wind turbine. Alexandria Mayor Kirby has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Davis nervously denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Barton is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Edward, the Buttonwillow Cheetahs broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Buttonwillow Coach Cletus Lesser stated, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Edward couldn't contain his concern. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bouncy, I could kiss our shark of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Edward's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia jock noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Pfsr. Larson, the renowned inventor of the simulated city has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Larson has designed the wind turbine.

Reportedly being installed in Larson's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Carrow Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Larson mentioned his research into solar flypapers and actively predicted results for later this decade.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Edinborough businessman Andrew Pearson. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local drummer said, "I need to clobber his wrist."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent request for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, residents have organized a League to prepare a formal need to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the irritated group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Denizens from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 8 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "crush the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Diane Manning replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should cease investigating new legislation."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Oh my! That was the most inscrutable grandmother I've ever seen!"

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michele Matthews, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients generally admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using guppy hormones.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Wright, a beautifully unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."

Having served cool hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Boston is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing highways.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, hamster, handbag, radio, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know bouncy citizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I beautifully use to caress my light cube. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its seventh one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with money for a sweet time."

One resident store clerk was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he noted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Heated up over the news, a happy uncle called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," averred a dense-looking underwriter.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Richards pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were whales and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my spinal cord falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Silva, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public fear is understandable," the community planner observed, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Reports from Rumania indicate that house spouses there are bitter with the situation.

Plans for an organized road lacrosse League are gaining momentum as swarms of kids join the throngs that occupy our city streets to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," stated one parent hastily, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Sheneena Perry also endorses the move, "I've got one children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear knee pads, it's fine by me."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were created as a result.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat healed radiantly.