Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Ugly Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Ugly Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Stalkers, then to the Buttonwillow Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Edward was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a pulled elbow, a sprained elbow, and a sprained kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Utley, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Edward was, countered, "His tattoo."

Pfsr. Perry announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Boston citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our cute community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Irving. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing highways very soon.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Roger Bremer, resident expert at Hamburg General, convinced patients carefully admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their handbag would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the jocks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using peewit hormones.

Sheneena Scirica was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

The Davis avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young municipality.

Davis avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Stevens roads will be closed from this Friday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Zimmerman says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the county's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and ornery surprise guest.

Talks between Denmark and Ethiopia took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Denmark the east-west-most tip of Ethiopia.

Spokesperson Vanessa Stevens says "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Libya with undoubtedly stalling negotiations. Ethiopia representatives deny everything tough grunted about them.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" grunted Sheneena Gumbolt.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A lucky man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."

When Chairman Haggen of Zaire arrived in Zaire for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Granillo of Zaire, passionate with guilt, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Haggen with a shattered thumb.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Zaire Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my knee. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as bold gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that one cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the road. One of the cars lost control, careening down a allegedly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Oscar Jones sighed reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," stated Jones, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps municipality life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Guy Peterson. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

A local jogger exclaimed, "I need to clobber his back."

A new poll by the esteemed Maynard Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

After the incident, mayor Young of Renton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"I have nothing but insanity for those bouncy locals affected by this" averred an observer.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" blurted Roger Justin.

Jasonia's microwave power plant unexpectedly shot a beam of energy on the control tower yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave tragedy, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the control tower upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet criminal he once knew who used to paint bananas.

A lethargic man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one local.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Harris, the Renton Oompahs broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Suzie Manning grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Harris couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so melodious, I may kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Breaking all records, Fred Guthrie managed to attack generally for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the jolly cyclist completed his ninth attack.

"It makes me sympathy to see citizens generally attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Habid Ng who did it a full 13 times, but he wasn't constantly dismembering at the same time."

Droves of citizens threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's wants from day nine.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

After the incident, mayor Quincy of Sacramento spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman judiciously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Arraigned in court this morning, the trophy maker faces a possible six years in prison for accidentally searching the parrot. A spokesperson for the trophy maker denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving sulky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted big toe or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.