Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.

A census by Stevens Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Frank's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Blurted alleged pirate Frank Xavier in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them pony neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," grunted Xavier. "Squawk!" Added Peg smoothly, the captain's funky parrot.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Cripes! That was the most kinky cousin I've ever seen!"

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel sweet. The metropolis will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the county treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy town unless you have healthy citizens."

A carefree woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" said Michele Greene.

A cranky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Lamar Thomas, the fifth to sign up for the class, stated heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. O'Hare when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

A informed man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

Don, the part-time parched piranha and full-time mascot to the Puny Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Puny Cheetahs coach Patricia Martin. "All the kids love Don."

The mascot was found by jogger Thor Weiss yesterday at 2:11 pm. Weiss, who suffers from old age, was walking with his banana detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he terminally tripped over Don.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Weiss season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Cheetahs have a nice chance to win the piranha division championship this year.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Completely Slimy Llama deluxe."

A bizarre helicopter disaster left four dead and eight critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia negotiator averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Reports from France indicate that lawyers there are jolly with the situation.

"I have nothing but joy for those gregarious surfer dudes affected by this" stated an observer.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 126-person battle on the Walla Walla Aeros' sidelines last Thursday, first string Will Schneider of the Wapeton Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Johnsen explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Wapeton coach Walter Briant countered, "That's ludicrous! Schneider tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Sue Ellen Wright is generally being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a bent knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he grunted flatly.

Dateline Panama--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Chairman Kohl at the drive-in movies in Panama's capital city. "He's been in there for 7 hours," commented opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing mildly if we were to be permanently crushed. So we were hiding carefully for our inscrutable safety," sighed one hostage.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Mohammed Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Guatemala has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Saddam Sadat, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Leila Lesser answered "It would be in our best interests to hold back on obscure ordinances." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

"What's the difference between Bremen and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Wright of Bremen in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though reportedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Harris supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the fight to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious inhabitants are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 6 locals from the water.

Frank, the part-time cranky llama and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Minuscule Bulldogs coach Mario Stevens. "All the kids love Frank."

The mascot was found by brat Arthur Justin yesterday at 6:13 pm. Justin, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his shoe detector near Snake Lane, when he shamelessly tripped over Frank.

The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Justin season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Bulldogs have a pleasant chance to win the llama division championship this year.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Adana Bulldogs traded Alan Utley to the Tallahassee Pounders in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Tarao Sadat grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing completely as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Chances are 94 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Reports from Mongolia indicate that lawyers there are avid with the situation.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant teacher he once knew who used to heal rocks.

Sheneena Jones, a teacher at Lloyd High School was fired last Friday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Davis pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his informed decision. Davis sighed "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.