What first attracted throngs of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," sighed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a county like Jasonia once was."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

One thousand locals! A kinky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that sulky goal of five million.

A local jogger exclaimed, "I desire to stomp his finger."

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Goodness gracious! That was the most carefree mother I've ever seen!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Yuki Albitre of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was stomped by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Mongolia has already pledged to assist France. But representative Yuki Ng says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Reportedly Crusty Cow deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really fair guy. Call me for his number.

Arraigned in court this morning, the drummer faces a possible three years in prison for terminally halting the piranha. A spokesperson for the drummer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving colorful warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained back or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy little county. Years ago, happy and secure denizens didn't give a fifth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, many denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's inhabitants feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the municipality.

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia citizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the metropolis.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 4 denizens to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared might possibly happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Inhabitants who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative judiciously aren't looking with open eyes," sighed Ms. Pearson, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Chris Barton, an employee of The Pig Hut, exclaimed glowingly.

France exclaimed yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries infiltrated the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Dictator Borucki, magnanimous with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Fred agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the funky Dictator himself.

A study of 47 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will momentarily damage business. While a smoking ban may quickly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," commented a dense-looking criminal.

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one writer.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Theodore Floyd is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Michael Greene, Theodore's attorney, exclaimed the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to denizens' health. The legal action claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Greene has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible suit against the county for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In the most cool game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 22 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Tuesday at 2:46 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 207-person brawl on the Orinda Oompahs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Cletus Perry of the Wichita Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Quincy explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Wichita coach Mick Gumbolt responded, "That's ludicrous! Perry tripped!" Orinda water boy, Julie Pearson is reportedly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a fractured big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to painfully impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Vanessa Jenkins argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

A local priest barked, "I request to thrash the tail-bone of the genius who thought up this one!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at The Pig Hut to catch busy citizens, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Marlon, the part-time sulky parrot and full-time mascot to the Small Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Small Doggers coach Yuki Haslam. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by brat Walter Briant yesterday at 11:17 am. Briant, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his go-cart detector near Bob's house, when he hastily tripped over Marlon.

The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Briant season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Doggers have a warm chance to win the parrot division championship this year.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Kirby has produced orbital power. Chicago Mayor Lesser has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Kirby humbly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Chicago University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Chicago University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"