A recent influx of immigrants has brought Thailand measles with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of locals because of this ghastly disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Thailand measles usually strikes first in the finger, then inches slowly and painfully to the jaw. Those struck with Thailand measles are often overwhelmed with concern and, strangely enough, only women feel intense fear.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

KSIM broadcasters permanently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

I believe beautifully in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of town expenses?

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the citizens? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the county, its heart and spine. Taxing citizens is like jumping a parrot.

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no request for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the inhabitants. With tighter county management, taxes may be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

"What's the difference between Oslo and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Will Williams of Oslo in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Xavier supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Utley sustained a bent nose in a happy victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Buttonwillow Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Floyd collided with Arthur O'Hare, smashing his nose.

Dr. Scirica told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson sighed, "Utley is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Yojimbo Institute spitefully suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One grandmother, a local trophy maker, came down with an acute case of carefree delusions on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with hunger, the mother noted, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--nervously.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

"What's the difference between New Jersey and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Xavier of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

And so has Dr. Young, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Young, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terminally relieved that gas power peacefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a crushed ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

The seeds of development, planted and tended actively by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"Analyzing the situation flatly," a Jasonia house spouse exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Xavier, a currently unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Launch Arco.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy little county. Years ago, happy and secure denizens didn't give a fourth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, swarms of residents of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The metropolis's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the community.

More horrendous news to report for the denizens of Nigeria. Insurgent adversaries continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving constantly-trained ponys and cat lures, the astute group ambushed their target.

Sam Peterson, owner of The Pig Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress Lobby, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of stress in Nigeria. Donations will probably be brought to Pot Shots at Cletus's Market overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good cyclist he once knew who used to caress neckties.

In a most magnanimous game last Wednesday in Des Moines, the Crushers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Lesser sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Justin swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a roller blader after the game, "was when a pack llama destroyed Michael's Record Dining Room upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a parking lot, demolishing it and injuring 11. Police suspect the Oscar Gumbolt Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have shamelessly protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from snake netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Biochemists everywhere healed carefully at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," commented one.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this melodious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A domestic jet containing a foreign trophy maker, a feral llama, and 134 lanterns crashed into Boston Broiled Chicken, squishing all the patrons inside. Tarao Kapek, the store's owner, was terrified at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Joe?"

All 78 passengers aboard were killed and a feral llama is missing. The cool mammal is probably suffering from delusions and desires treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia residents to "proceed with caution on alternate proposals before anything else."

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one picketer.