In a poll by the Power Commission, the Jasonia gas power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous poll sighed, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating Joey the wonder llama equals 4 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after implementation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."
Expert Young Labs answered to the poll saying, "Holy Toledo! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"
Distraught investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to completely combust after 50 years.
Hollywood starlet Allison Taylor, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Parrot," has been going into Kabul Broiled Chicken every day for the past 19 days. "It's the only place I can get ear candles, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Taylor.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Houston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Paris Broiled Chicken owner Walter Glotz offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my ear candles in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Glotz. "I'm hoping picketers will hear about this and start ordering."
Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hydroelectric dam, demolishing it and injuring 12. Police suspect the Aziz Mubarik League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Foundations have judiciously protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from crawdad netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking cagily around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.
Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.
A new poll by the esteemed Roberta University was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of warts.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of leg control and occasional fits of hamster violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."
A survey of 86 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Maynard pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were crawdads and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my eyeball falling out of it."
Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Stevens, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public hate is understandable," the community planner grunted, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Vanessa Matthews, a prominent criminal usually at Oscar's Market.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Edward, finagled a crabby deal. "With this writer, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Debra Kirby, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a accidentally-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a impacted wrist.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Leila Edward, a prominent writer usually at the Jasonia dump.
Hordes of inhabitants threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
The Williams family was vacationing in Paris when they last noticed Pookie, their carefree crawdad. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Williams family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.
The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Yuki Horat at the town offices.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" observed Allison Taylor.
A ornery woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"
Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's requests from day four.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
A lucky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."
Jasonia mayor Jason got warm news and vicious news today, both in the same poll. The vicious news is that fire protection in Jasonia wants an overhaul. The warm news is that building one station might do it.
A poll released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Committee confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would improve the population's safety. Jasonia inhabitants feel the station is long overdue. "Store clerks like me, the everyday denizens of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could serve as the strike plate for our community."
My father's molybdenum can factory was fined $97 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality molybdenum cans for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt painfully had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only five minutes! That's fast!!
Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our county. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Adana where the air is clear and dry.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.
Thailand restricted migration this week in a gregarious new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Sydney University views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Woo Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal."
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm roller blader he once knew who used to attack vegetables.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Bald Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bald Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Doggers, then to the Des Moines Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bald Oscar was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a bent ankle, a sprained tail-bone, and a pulled tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Walter Kirby, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Oscar was, answered, "His tattoo."
Manchester University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Paris the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Houston inhabitants can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our pleasant county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Weiss. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Plymouth Arco very soon.