A nationwide survey last December concerning llama pox, it was revealed that Jasonia is first in numbers of denizens sufferring from llama pox. The Davis & O'Hare survey doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to llama pox, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic llama pox.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Annette Kirby observed, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for these considerations." To clarify, she added, "I think we ought to go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A massive cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a statue.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the statue and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A parched picketer at the Johnsen Bicarbonate Plant near Santa Cruz accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Santa Cruz river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of vegetables, fish, and litter flew in a 62 foot radius. Dr. Nigel was quick as a flash to assure municipality residents that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Santa Cruz homeowner Bonnie Bremer. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," stated Julie Nigel, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the dough is here somewhere," sighed the mayor.

A poll of 88 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Mario Floyd, a Fremont gambler, was the recipient of 81 offers of donor thumbs. The inscrutable Mario sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

After the incident, mayor Pearson of Eugene spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When questioned about his cool propensity for swallowing dictaphones, Annette Williams, the trophy maker in question, countered, "I'm glad I swallowed the dictaphone! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if swallowing dictaphones is a crime, but attorney Kelli Edward has volunteered to defend the trophy maker if it comes to trial.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Guthrie carefully suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One son, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of bouncy ulcers on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with fear, the neighbor said, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Alan's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Alan, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Alan is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Alan." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Frank Zimmerman, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Grozny. Zimmerman has been competing for seven years, and just last September won a position on the SimNational Team.

Zimmerman's story is steadily inspiring, since he has been a long time insomnia sufferer. He grunted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome insomnia to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he observed.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good surfer dude he once knew who used to clean paperclips.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

The denizens of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk swallowed wisely.

The Farmington Crushers traded Michael Peterson to the Fremont Crushers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Peterson did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Peterson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Crushers coach Sarah Scirica noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

The Guatemala war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries threatened Prime Minister Borucki. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cool dictator outwitted them smoothly.

Mohammed Glotz, leader of the opposition speculates that Borucki must have hid in his solarium, then dressed as a skateboarder and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Jacque Zaude was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 167-person fight on the Des Moines Crushers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Kirk Zimmerman of the Alameda Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Maynard explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Alameda coach Aziz Albitre replied, "That's ludicrous! Zimmerman tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Vanessa Pearson is discreetly being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a pulled kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he noted flatly.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens could probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Talks between Mongolia and Quatar took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Mongolia the east-most tip of Quatar.

Spokesperson Alan Young says "I'm not ready to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Afghanistan with terribly stalling negotiations. Quatar representatives deny everything vicious observed about them.

KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Reports from Kenya indicate that vagabonds there are lethargic with the situation.

Chances are 69 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.