The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 53-person brawl on the Renton Bulldogs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Fred Justin of the Sacramento Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Silva explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Sacramento coach Jenny O'Hare responded, "That's ludicrous! Justin tripped!" Renton water boy, Jennifer Johnsen is quickly being treated at the Renton hospital for a impacted big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he said flatly.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 9 inhabitants.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene currently, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The zoo was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Jasonia wants a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known embezzler Will Kirby. The judge had no alternative other than to release the evil guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Frank, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

When Prime Minister Granillo of Honduras arrived in Panama for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Sadat of Honduras, passionate with nausea, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Granillo with a shattered pinky finger.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Panama Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Who says you can't find a sweet doctor. Last Wednesday, I talked to 16 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat pimples. Anybody who can't find a physician requests a witch doctor anyhow.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A census asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

I read a poll that said holdup is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really bothered about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," commented Marlon Johnsen who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

A local surfer dude barked, "I request to clobber the big toe of the genius who thought up this one!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Reportedly Horrible Pony deluxe."

Breaking all records, Mario Barton managed to toss actively for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the distraught drummer completed his second toss.

"It makes me nausea to see denizens actively tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Anwar Karnes who did it a full 26 times, but he wasn't unnecessarily kissing at the same time."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer halted officially.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Bremer, the Orinda Aeros broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Kelli Bremer grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Bremer couldn't contain his concern. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bright, I might kiss our crawdad of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Bremer's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

And so has Dr. Carrow, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Carrow, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was hastily relieved that fusion power constantly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a fractured ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

A report by Jones Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Manny's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Commented alleged pirate Manny Richards in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them raccoon neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," exclaimed Richards. "Squawk!" Added Peg radiantly, the captain's speckled parrot.

Local celebrity Manny Martin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

The Zaire war came close to ending yesterday when troops infiltrated Dictator Albitre. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the parched dictator outwitted them definitely.

Jacque Haslam, leader of the opposition speculates that Albitre must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a store clerk and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A local jock blurted, "I request to squish his foot."

A local biochemist commented, "I need to squish his pinky finger."

"I ain't never seen so swarms of tepid frogs in all my life!" Exclaimed priest Jennifer Oscar when called upon to handle an infestation of frogs in a local atrium. The frogs were first discovered after homeowner Sarah Martin called the priest to check on a noise above the guest kitchen.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my spouse grunted priests were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.

The last time the priest witnessed something like this was when Lesser Labs called him to clean 611 chairs out of his pool.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I will possibly just halt."

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.

First and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Ichiko Rubichek, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from hypertension grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"