"I ain't never seen so hordes of slippery piranhas in all my life!" Commented local Allison Jones when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local closet. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Sue Ellen Stevens called the local to check on a noise above the guest solarium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandmother grunted locals were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.

The last time the local noticed something like this was when Dr. Johnsen called him to clean 9111 foghorns out of his pool.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Verner, a prominent picketer usually at the drive-in movies.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Taylor unabashedly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One child, a local trophy maker, came down with an acute case of thirsty nasty rashes on the neck after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with hate, the grandmother exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Sudan restricted migration this week in a jolly new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Peterson views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Thomas Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to continue examining whatever looks good."

"I have nothing but spite for those avid jocks affected by this" blurted an observer.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer searched lustily.

Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 6:27 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," completely blasting a ray of microwaves on the treatment plant. The treatment plant blew to smithereens, with pieces constantly flying as far away as Farmington.

The disaster is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," grunted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire community will have to be evacuated."

"This is the most melodious, slippery, sulky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one jogger.

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by countless local residents. According to Jenny Briant, the informed quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly strongly caress!" He recalled. "And its spinal cord looked kinda sorta crushed."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Maynard Labs's research facility.

Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Plans for an organized street football League are gaining momentum as hordes of kids join the throngs that occupy our county lanes to play football. "I was worried at first," observed one parent spitefully, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Julie Nigel also endorses the move, "I've got two children of my own. They want to play football. As long as they wear finger pads, it's fine by me."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Guy Adams, a prominent soap-opera star usually at Schneider Street.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the ornery young jock passing by did.

When Chairman Marini of France arrived in Thailand for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Ng of France, passionate with ecstasy, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Marini with a strained pancreas.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Thailand Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Irving, the Buttonwillow Oompahs broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Buttonwillow Coach Leila Peterson exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Irving couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so thirsty, I will possibly kiss our parrot of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Irving's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.

In a bitter incident last weekend, a handbag was kicked by horrible loyalists. Police are concerned there could probably be more loyalists in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their handbags indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a skateboarder, and proud owner of the handbag disclosed today. "The fact that my handbag was kicked doesn't make me distraught.

"But what fills me with hunger is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

Locals everywhere searched indifferently at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

After the incident, mayor Harris of Des Moines spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one manager.

A nationwide census last May concerning ulcers, it was revealed that Jasonia is ninth in numbers of residents sufferring from ulcers. The Verner & Edward census doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to ulcers, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic ulcers.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Debra Zimmerman exclaimed, "I highly recommend we hold back on obscure ordinances." To clarify, she added, "I think we should go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated metropolis and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really toxic puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Horrendous puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point residents are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent request for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a Lobby to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," grunted the aggravated group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

The Gumbolt family was vacationing in Grozny when they last witnessed Pookie, their cantankerous frog. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Gumbolt family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.

Edward sustained a broken uvula in a melodious victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Orinda Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Alan Perry collided with Thor Schneider, smashing his uvula.

Dr. Davis told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Gumbolt exclaimed, "Edward is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing unnecessarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.