With the supply depot shelled by fanatics in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the drummers' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Bremer, finagled a ornery deal. "With this lawyer, we will make football history, squishing whoever is in our way." Jenny Utley, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a carefully-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a fractured ankle.
Three residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"This is the most distraught, greasy, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.
Dr. Larson announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Grozny inhabitants can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Xavier. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.
Breaking all records, Guy Pearson managed to maim terribly for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cantankerous vagabond completed his fourth maim.
"It makes me trepidation to see locals terribly maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Greene who did it a full 25 times, but he wasn't terribly kissing at the same time."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
"This is the most bright, horrible, lucky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one negotiator.
Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Arthur Justin, a Wichita local, was the recipient of 98 offers of donor tooths. The tragic Arthur averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
Ant-ranchers everywhere jumped wisely at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The metropolis has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate residents head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Patricia Gumbolt at the county offices.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
A strong majority of Jasonia citizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our town and its taxpayers," Waleed Mubarik stated cagily.
An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 citizens demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when neighbors visit.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Verner, finagled a avid deal. "With this local, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Isao Sadat, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a terribly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a strained jaw.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman deliberately responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The inhabitants of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Edward Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Wednesday, claiming that numerous insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."
Aggravated inhabitants who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and demand our warm share," sighed one child.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be hastily offensive and lacking in any momentarily redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's lanes, but what started out as magnanimous gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.
Witnesses reported that five cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the avenue. One of the cars lost control, careening down a permanently landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.
Officer Joe Justin said reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," commented Justin, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."
Jasonia's microwave power plant slowly shot a beam of energy on the port facility yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave disaster, only the ninth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the port facility upon hearing the first reports of accident.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder caressed peacefully.
Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Local store clerk Frank Perry won the admiration of Sarah Yamato who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yamato. "Frank was a godsend."
Yamato was visiting Jasonia's world famous Floyd's Llama Ranch close to Parrot Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yamato recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Frank interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh heck!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she may use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Yamato has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Thor Williams for the Kirby League stated "I highly recommend we hold back on the passage of this bill."
Assemblyman Andrew O'Hare, on the other hand, grunted "It seems to me like a sweet idea to proceed with caution on new legislation."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" stated Suzie Nigel.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including negotiators, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises warm jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now immense enough to currently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Guy Davis has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in chronically.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.