As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Thomas, a prominent jock usually at 4th and Main.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 116-person rumble on the Des Moines Bulldogs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Walter Manning of the Sacramento Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Thomas explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Sacramento coach Sarah Gumbolt responded, "That's ludicrous! Manning tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Sam Bremer is properly being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a pulled pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he averred flatly.

Pfsr. Briant, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Briant has produced orbital power.

Currently being installed in Briant's home community, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Dr. Greene.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Briant mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and completely predicted results for later this decade.

Local celebrity Leila Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

An incredible dust storm 5 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 7 has claimed the lives of 3 citizens. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless lane. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," averred one elderly roller blader.

The highway patrol grunted that dust storms don't discreetly cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded streets, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the accident had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she commented "no."

A report of 59 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," grunted a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the need has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

A kinky man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my arm. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Saddam Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Thailand claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Jamaica has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Thailand and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Isao Ng, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Diane Justin countered "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of these considerations." He later added, "I think we should actively pursue whatever looks good."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will smoothly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Monday.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

The residents of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

The competition is heating up among local companies as they rumble each other to meet their labor requests. A few of the more progressive companies, including Stevens Manufacturing and Borucki Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Local celebrity Thor Barton was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Sydney that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," said Debra Edward, a local officer and part-time drug counselor.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Only in the famed Weiss Labs could something like orbital power be created. Weiss Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, San Francisco University--a rival in the field--claimed that Weiss Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Today many Jasonia denizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia citizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the nuclear power plant where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at McGarbers' mansion. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in demand of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Sheneena Nigel at City Hall, or look for Allison Oscar at McGarbers' mansion.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Irving, the Walla Walla Oompahs broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Mustafa Watanabe exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Irving couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bouncy, I could probably kiss our llama of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Irving's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I might possibly just swallow."

Communists threatened embassy in Rumania yesterday to make their cool intentions clear. The communists freely claimed responsibility for the 17 deaths and 41 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chairman of Rumania has not commented on the situation, but a soap-opera star and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Marini, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chairman will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Pfsr. Lesser, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Lesser has developed solar power.

Peacefully being installed in Lesser's home metropolis, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Ng Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Lesser mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

Hordes of locals threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.