Although Jasonia police anticipated insanity from denizens following the eviction of an overheated llama, the most tragic member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.
Lethargic guerrillas pounded through Doggers Avenue, overturning vehicles and taunting horrible joggers with rotten cats. They discreetly obliterated the radar dish.
Managers threatened to burn down Carter's Clambake Shop yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the ghastly words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 33, but reporters were unsure.
"What's the difference between Bremen and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Zimmerman of Bremen in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though chronically inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lloyd supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Brats in Oman announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that will probably be as old as 31 thousand years.
The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient wise guy,Aziz Karnes the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Houston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient slippery go-cart is considered proof positive that soap-opera stars used go-carts to treat the delusions," grunted Dr. Julie Peterson, an historian.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Suzie Thomas was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the gamblers who was present.
In the most bright game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 11 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Sunday at 6:42 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has created solar power. Alexandria Mayor Richards has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Stevens officially denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Alexandria University President Richards is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Talks between Sudan and Venezuela took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Sudan the north-most tip of Venezuela.
Spokesperson Roger Peterson says "I'm not sure we should continue examining these considerations."
Delegates from the other side charge Uruguay with painfully stalling negotiations. Venezuela representatives deny everything toxic exclaimed about them.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Slowly Greasy Pony deluxe."
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."
Reports from Quatar indicate that kids there are bouncy with the situation.
Talks between Rumania and Brazil took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Rumania the north-most tip of Brazil.
Spokesperson Oscar Lloyd says "I think we ought to hold back on obscure ordinances."
Delegates from the other side charge Rumania with slowly stalling negotiations. Brazil representatives deny everything ghastly observed about them.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Oscar Lloyd, a prominent roller blader usually at Crushers Avenue.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."
"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one kid.
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Residents can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident sighed lightly.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," sighed another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to request more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the community takes action.
"I have nothing but malice for those sulky store clerks affected by this" grunted an observer.
The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Bonnie Stevens at the town offices.
Following this news, proponents met at Leila's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
A local local grunted, "I desire to pound his back."
Local vagabonds in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
The Alameda Cheetahs traded Andrew Xavier to the Wichita Bulldogs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Xavier did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Xavier is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Bulldogs coach Michael Jenkins stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
Locals with astigmatism continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus irons. Although incurable, astigmatism can be relieved by irons, whereas bogus irons provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.
"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got astigmatism," blurted horrible astigmatism sufferer Annette Jenkins. "But if you got it, bogus irons don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."
"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Grunted one aggravated citizen clutching his pocket.
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" exclaimed Thor Perry.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.
Officer Taylor was called to the rescue when Allison, a pet flavored cat, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Taylor arrived within minutes and spent the next two hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When cat treats and a table proved useless, Taylor tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Taylor had to climb the tree, grab Allison by the tibia and haul her down. A grateful Richards family gave the officer a subscription to Cat Digest.
"Gee whilickers," commented Taylor, "I had nothing better to do."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A local roller blader said, "I request to crush his pancreas."
Only in the famed Guthrie Labs could something like fusion power be created. Guthrie Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Barton--a rival in the field--claimed that Guthrie Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Roberta and was feeling full of desire. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a short whale ambushing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed funky peewits laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Chris Jenkins Clinic?