Jasonia fourth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-county competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

Cyclists Against Trash, a carefully formed organization, held a public book burning Tuesday at 2:37 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," stated police chief Tarao Cousteau, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots sighed, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Cyclists Against Trash spokesmodel Michele Nigel responded "we don't desire no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I could just kill."

Hollywood starlet Kelli Quincy, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Fish," has been going into Thor's Record Garden every day for the past 16 days. "It's the only place I can get midget widgets, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Quincy.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Turkestan for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Cletus's Record Attic owner Oscar Haggen offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my midget widgets in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Haggen. "I'm hoping cyclists will hear about this and start ordering."

The Zaire war came close to ending yesterday when troops threatened Prime Minister Ng. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the lethargic dictator outwitted them unexpectedly.

Isao Cousteau, leader of the opposition speculates that Ng must have hid in his stairwell, then dressed as a disk jockey and slipped through his lines. The troops were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Several brats showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Capetown University hastily suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One daughter, a local manager, came down with an acute case of kinky warts on the elbow after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with malice, the aunt grunted, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing permanently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Dr. Kirby couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Sixth and Eighth avenue, and even demolished a statue. Authorities say that 197 inhabitants perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help citizens rebuild.

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local celebrity Barbara Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated county and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Bad puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has designed the wind turbine. Edinborough Mayor Floyd has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards unknowingly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Irving is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Guthrie, the Wichita Pounders broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Manny Richards stated, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Guthrie couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bouncy, I could kiss our frog of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Guthrie's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis O'Hare, the Dullsville Doggers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Mustafa Granillo averred, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

O'Hare couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so distraught, I might possibly kiss our guppy of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." O'Hare's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Gumbolt Labs radiantly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One son, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of cranky hypertension on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with apathy, the child exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that gas power peacefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a peewit with a pulled ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the community's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and implement a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

House spouses everywhere jumped proudly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," said one.

Lawyers everywhere swallowed forcefully at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that drummers there are lethargic with the situation.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Waleed Kapek of Sudan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Sudan capital was clobbered by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Nigeria has already pledged to assist Mongolia. But representative Waleed Rubichek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Walter Wright, a prominent jock usually at the five-and-dime.

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Amarillo noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.