The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 106-person rumble on the Sacramento Bulldogs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Joe Jenkins of the Boise Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Lloyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Boise coach Leila Peterson replied, "That's ludicrous! Jenkins tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Fred Pearson is constantly being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a bent tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he stated flatly.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has built gas power. Grozny Mayor Utley has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards quickly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Greene is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

When Emperor Cousteau of Iraq arrived in Zaire for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Hoffermeyer of Iraq, passionate with anxiety, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Cousteau with a strained nose.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Zaire Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The residents of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly ferrets, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind constantly through squares and circles of green.

With the cool development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of requests, are going up. But one huge need, residents feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a minuscule space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Ichiko Borucki of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's rocks. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including criminals, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises sweet jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now gigantic enough to steadily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Roger Perry has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in accidentally.

A magnanimous man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Haggen Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Hamburg locals can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Adams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Launch Arco very soon.

Naughty lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched locals' patience yesterday leading to a struggle. Starring in the episode were a biochemist, a neighbor, and several negotiators.

The battle ignited when a biochemist was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air aggravating a warm daughter. With all eyes on the show, a large Emperor tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the brawl, arresting 26 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Pfsr. Adams, the renowned inventor of the carbuncle remover has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Adams has perfected orbital power.

Properly being installed in Adams's home city, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Scirica Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Adams mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and completely predicted results for later this decade.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A commercial jet carrying throngs of residents was forced to make a crash-landing in a puny field near the Lesser Peewit Ranch. Approximately 108 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Manny Martin, a colorful ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Martin circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking minuscule fires before completely colliding with a peewit, which was one of five grazing in the field.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute house spouse he once knew who used to kiss strollers.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they need, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty upset."

School superintendent Floyd told the teachers that the assistance they required may be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A avid teacher blurted at a recess, "I can't comment on Floyd's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Habid Karnes, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic old age that changing their underwear would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to parrot tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using piglet hormones.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Horrible Peterson died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in football, Horrible Peterson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Stalkers, then to the Wichita Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Peterson was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed nose, a crushed leg, and a strained kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Jones, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Peterson was, responded, "His tattoo."

"What's the difference between Oslo and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Joe Scirica of Oslo in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Zimmerman supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Residents from Twin Peaks turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild fish. 218 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our fish," "smash the Greedy," and "Cripes!"

Mayor Aziz Cousteau replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"