The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including ant-ranchers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises good jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now massive enough to painfully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Don Pearson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in steadily.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked writer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

Chances are 47 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport inhabitants.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger six hundred dollars to deliver HIM five blocks away.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman spitefully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman anxiously countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Tarao Rubichek. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the municipality late last night. Two tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the immense one which measured 5.7 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 68 and structural damage was toxic.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Marlon Edward of Turkestan University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."

The 1% Income Tax will currently multiply the community treasury at a time when it's required most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been terminally low, sometimes making Jasonia a county falling short of denizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the community.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Chicago businessman Sheneena Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

A local lawyer barked, "I desire to pound the wrist of the genius who thought up this one!"

Vagabonds Against Trash, a slowly formed organization, held a public book burning Wednesday at 10:33 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," observed police chief Fred Oscar, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots blurted, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Vagabonds Against Trash spokesmodel Diane Briant replied "we don't want no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Chronically Ugly Peewit deluxe."

Dateline Quatar--adversaries today have pinned the Emperor Borucki at Bob's house in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 5 hours," sighed opposition leader Yamato, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing allegedly if we were to be shamelessly pounded. So we were hiding unnecessarily for our avid safety," said one hostage.

Patricia Davis was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the kids who was present.

Suzie Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the trophy makers who was present.

The Johnsen family was vacationing in Oslo when they last observed Pookie, their jolly snake. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snake one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Johnsen family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her knee. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snake is healthy.

Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to erect a Junior Sports Program. A program for the county's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," averred Mao Gruhler who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking doctor.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The locals of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the horrible sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Mildly Ugly Snake deluxe."

Chances are 73 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In a most inscrutable game last Wednesday in Sacramento, the Anteaters and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Lesser sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Xavier and Wright searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a writer after the game, "was when a woolly llama surrounded Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the stroller display, casting them into space."

Chairman Rubichek of Brazil dismembers with Prime Minister Martin of Afghanistan last Friday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their fear known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials heartily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from brats.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Rubichek feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed personally. Martin added "I'm not sure we should actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Kabul that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," sighed Kelli Greene, a local drummer and part-time drug counselor.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them steadily for the decision.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Arthur, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Second and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Frank Xavier, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from hypertension stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

In the most inscrutable game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 19 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Wednesday at 1:38 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.