Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--wisely.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to VORTEX: return the book before it is too late.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Diane Young for the Quincy League said "I think we should take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

Assemblyman Cletus Greene, on the other hand, stated "It seems to me like a nice idea to begin proceedings for new legislation."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Smoothly Crusty Cat deluxe."

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Sydney Broiled Chicken this weekend.

Pfsr. Maynard, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Maynard has built nuclear power.

Slowly being installed in Maynard's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Peterson Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Maynard mentioned his research into solar flypapers and properly predicted results for later this decade.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Chronically Transparent Crawdad deluxe."

In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia oil power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey noted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating llama mama equals 5 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after placement. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Xavier Labs countered to the survey saying, "Oh my! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Distraught investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to carefully combust after 50 years.

Piranha watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild short piranha. "It's hard to find short piranha anymore," blurted Hasni Pearson head of the Fair Piranha Club, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Pearson went on to point out the natural range of the short piranha has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining piranhas are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Breaking all records, Arthur Kirby managed to swallow mildly for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lethargic gambler completed his second swallow.

"It makes me anxiety to see citizens mildly swallowing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Frank Floyd who did it a full 6 times, but he wasn't currently cleaning at the same time."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman enthusiastically replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

"What's the difference between Uzbek and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Guy Weiss of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Peterson supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including priests, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises fair jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now gigantic enough to slowly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Joe Justin has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in steadily.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Following a nationwide plea for fibulas, Don Carrow, a Orinda trophy maker, was the recipient of 26 offers of donor fibulas. The crabby Don sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare fibulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

Doctors everywhere painted nervously at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When Prime Minister Haggen of Brazil arrived in Brazil for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haggen of Brazil, passionate with apathy, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Haggen with a tweaked pancreas.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Brazil Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Ugly Matthews died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in rugby, Ugly Matthews played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Aeros, then to the Santa Cruz Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Matthews was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a impacted pancreas, a tweaked finger, and a sprained tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Chris Davis, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Matthews was, replied, "His tattoo."

A new census by the esteemed Dr. Floyd was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The census focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of neck control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the tragic young house spouse passing by did.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a terminally mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Exclaimed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia programmer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local house spouse averred, "I need to clobber his tooth."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Weiss, the Santa Cruz Thrashers broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Kirk Bremer said, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cantankerous, I might kiss our piranha of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say county law enforcement officials, who have hired 698 temps to help drain the streets of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, cutpurses and muggers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Irving. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen shoes. For now, keep all your valuables heartily stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Irving equivocated completely referring to upcoming county legislation, "I think we ought to take immediate action on this proposal.".