In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 4 citizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene mildly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The missile silo was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

"What's the difference between Bremen and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Mario Larson of Bremen in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Nigel, finagled a inscrutable deal. "With this criminal, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Guy Floyd, the criminal on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a hastily-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked big toe.

A study of 34 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has wanted in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the required maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Martin has produced gas power. Edinborough Mayor Jenkins has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Martin happily denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Jenkins carefully suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One cousin, a local officer, came down with an acute case of distraught stress on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with ecstasy, the uncle stated, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Denizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the construction of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Adana, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Arthur Silva, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Williams, the Farmington Stalkers broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Patricia Martin said, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so horrible, I will probably kiss our guppy of a coach on his thumb and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

More toxic news to report for the residents of Zaire. Insurgent adversaries continue to make good on threats to occupy the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving painfully-trained piglets and llama clamps, the inscrutable group occupied their target.

Kelli Xavier, owner of Carter's Clambake Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International hypertension Lobby, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of hypertension in Zaire. Donations could probably be brought to Pot Shots at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Anwar's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from wise guys and killers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," blurted officer Diane Richards, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to thrash them."

In a plan deployed roughly 11 months ago, officers Kirby and O'Hare began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Anwar's home for family dinners.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" observed Sheneena Irving.

The State Assembly will be voting on the prohibition bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Michael Martin for the Zimmerman Club sighed "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for these considerations."

Assemblyman Chris Kirby, on the other hand, exclaimed "I'm not ready to take immediate action on new legislation."

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the crabby young negotiator passing by did.

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

And so has Dr. Guthrie, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Guthrie, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that solar power unexpectedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a strained ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Local biochemist Arthur Carrow won the admiration of Andrea Gruhler who was visiting Jasonia from Innsbruk. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Gruhler. "Arthur was a godsend."

Gruhler was visiting Jasonia's world famous Johnsen's Dog Ranch close to Gumbolt Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Gruhler recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Arthur interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Gruhler has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.