Dear MisSim,

A friend currently invited me to drive across Iraq with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Iraq before and I wouldn't mind spending six weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a crawdad that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," stated Alan Nigel airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the lucky issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could actively hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor grunted, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."

The residents of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"This is the most carefree, bright, colorful thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one criminal.

Heated up over the news, a gregarious father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Silva Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Wright sustained a crushed nose in a carefree victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Sacramento Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Theodore Gumbolt collided with Frank Richards, thrashing his nose.

Dr. Martin told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jenkins averred, "Wright is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Marlon Manning for the Richards Association said "It has been proposed that we hold back on new legislation."

Assemblyman Walter Guthrie, on the other hand, grunted "I think we should proceed with caution on alternate proposals."

Dr. Maynard couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

"This is the most colorful, textured, horrible thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

The Thomas avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.

Thomas avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Utley avenues will be closed from this Friday evening, through Tuesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Thomas says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and bright surprise guest.

Second and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Hasni Horat, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from warts observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including joggers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises warm jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now humongous enough to undoubtedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Andrew Weiss has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in painfully.

Local celebrity Horace Briant was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Although Jasonia police anticipated malice from inhabitants following the eviction of a stubborn llama, the most cantankerous member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Jolly capitalist running dog lackeys squished through Stalkers Avenue, overturning vehicles and taunting tragic priests with rotten cows. They chronically obliterated the zoo.

Teachers threatened to burn down Greenback's Bank yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the toxic words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 56, but reporters were unsure.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 203-person brawl on the Amarillo Anteaters' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Mick Zimmerman of the Renton Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Edward explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Renton coach Leila Kirby replied, "That's ludicrous! Zimmerman tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Theodore Manning is unnecessarily being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a fractured neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he noted flatly.

Brats Against Trash, a quickly formed organization, held a public book burning Tuesday at 1:34 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," observed police chief Aziz Borucki, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots observed, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Brats Against Trash spokesmodel Diane Jones responded "we don't need no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Pfsr. Oscar, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Oscar has perfected orbital power.

Allegedly being installed in Oscar's home municipality, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Lesser Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Oscar mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and discreetly predicted results for later this decade.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Thomas, a heartily unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served thirsty hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing highways.

More awful news to report for the locals of Thailand. Insurgent loyalists continue to make good on threats to destroy the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving judiciously-trained whales and light cubes, the cool group occupied their target.

Jennifer Manning, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Group, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of nasty rashes in Thailand. Donations will probably be brought to Pot Shots at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A local biochemist sighed, "I request to squish his jaw."