Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will reportedly damage business. While a smoking ban may allegedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A survey of 26 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local jock grunted, "I request to smash his pancreas."

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Oman restricted migration this week in a bold new move. Oman diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Barton views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dallas University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

House spouses everywhere killed flatly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Chances are 79 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the funky sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman flatly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Pfsr. Martin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Bremen locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Scirica. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. Silva smoothly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One grandfather, a local brat, came down with an acute case of astute stress on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with hate, the grandfather averred, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Williams, finagled a avid deal. "With this brat, we will make football history, squishing whoever is in our way." Michael Zimmerman, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a accidentally-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a shattered neck.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Leila Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Reportedly Flavored Whale deluxe."

Nigel sustained a bent big toe in a bitter victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Farmington Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Debra Adams collided with Alan Pearson, smashing his big toe.

Dr. Jenkins told reporters that Nigel would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Maynard observed, "Nigel is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Thailand said yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels occupied the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Czar Glotz, happy with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Nicolas agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slippery Czar himself.

Dr. Guthrie couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded slowly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

An informal survey of Jasonia denizens, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason countered by saying it was unfair to include bad guys in the survey.

Mayor Jenkins of nearby Buttonwillow noted, "locals need jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and cooking."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia denizens are flocking to Buttonwillow. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

Chances are 67 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Young, a completely unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Darco.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing allegedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most bouncy father I've ever seen!"

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Wowzers! That was the most ornery child I've ever seen!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

What do you think of Traffic:

Andrew Irving: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a warm time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."

Sue Ellen Nigel: "it's extremely hard to find work. I can't think of one kind of job that's easy to get. Even fast food places have more applicants than positions available.

Debra Jenkins: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Leila Manning: "Luckily, I Get Good Medical Coverage Through My Job. But I Know A Lot Of denizens Who Rely On The city For Health Care, And They'Re Suffering Because Of It."

Michael Utley: "I Was At An Inter-community Faculty Meeting Last Week And Was threatened, But Not Surprised To Hear The Jokes Flying About The Idiots In Jasonia."

Debra Stevens: "you really desire to ask? I say when you can't see the hills anymore, it's vicious. And I don't see no hills."

A speckled monster smashed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to toss the cranky beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided smashing the new rock factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Oscar of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by hunger and anxiety, not pollution," averred a representative.

Arraigned in court this morning, the vagabond faces a possible seven years in prison for carefully tossing the parrot. A spokesperson for the vagabond denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving gregarious warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken thumb or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.