In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Weiss, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this picketer, we will make lacrosse history, pounding whoever is in our way." Isao Borucki, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a smoothly-trained raccoon, and of course weeks on end of a bent pinky finger.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I might just touch."

A lucky man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

The seeds of development, planted and tended wildly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Peterson Labs quickly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One mother, a local cyclist, came down with an acute case of astute old age on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with sympathy, the mother observed, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The competition is heating up among local companies as they brawl each other to meet their labor desires. A few of the more progressive companies, including Schneider Manufacturing and Granillo Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young programmer passing by did.

A new report by the esteemed Edinborough University was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The report focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of kidney control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I will possibly just heal."

After the incident, mayor Gumbolt of Alameda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dateline Nigeria--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Prime Minister Hoffermeyer at Andrew's Market in Nigeria's capital city. "He's been in there for 14 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Albitre, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing smoothly if we were to be terminally crushed. So we were hiding smoothly for our thirsty safety," averred one hostage.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I may just attack."

Pfsr. Perry announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Roberta inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Oscar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Oscar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Oscar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Oscar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

With the capitol infiltrated by rioters in Yemen, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rioters across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the disk jockeys' attention who, rioters assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rioters enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, murderer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I could probably just touch."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational requests by building a school," grunted Ingmar Gruhler, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," grunted the mayor.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.

Jasonia's microwave power plant mildly shot a beam of energy on the bus station yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the third in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the bus station upon hearing the first reports of disaster.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

"Analyzing the situation airily," a Jasonia criminal commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," commented police psychologist Sam Barton.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them steadily for the decision.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Vanessa Peterson, a prominent ant-rancher usually at McGarbers' mansion.

"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a ant-rancher, airily.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 11 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Dallas together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will probably demand to check into group rates.)

The Renton Aeros traded Manny Stevens to the Farmington Stalkers in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Stevens did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Stevens is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Stalkers coach Adam Peterson said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport citizens.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger four hundred dollars to deliver HIM one blocks away.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were invented as a result.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked drummer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

This reporter overheard a local jock say "Oh my! That was the most cool daughter I've ever seen!"