What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the rumble to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious citizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 17 denizens from the water.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of city. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite beautifully, that it doesn't matter how good their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official averred, "We request to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

The citizens of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sarah Gumbolt, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients chronically admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their lantern would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the cyclists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using cat hormones.

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

Utley sustained a crushed skull in a happy victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Adana Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Kelli Guthrie collided with Nicolas Bremer, thrashing his skull.

Dr. Edward told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Carrow blurted, "Utley is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

What first attracted droves of inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I might just clean."

Rebels infiltrated capitol in Uruguay yesterday to make their lucky intentions clear. The rebels slowly claimed responsibility for the 9 deaths and 38 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Uruguay has not commented on the situation, but a skateboarder and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Haggen, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

Aziz Hoffermeyer was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the managers who was present.

A enormous cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a military storage.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the military storage and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 153-person struggle on the Adana Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Marlon Greene of the Orinda Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Orinda coach Kelli Greene replied, "That's ludicrous! Greene tripped!" Adana water boy, Mohammed Hoffermeyer is currently being treated at the Adana hospital for a tweaked jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he commented flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Thor, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to construct a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Kirk Oscar who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"This is the most cantankerous, bald, happy thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Scirica announced his stance on the latest issue: brats with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman O'Hare, always outspoken, grunted "I think we ought to actively pursue these considerations." Councilman Harris, as usual, replied "I think we should begin proceedings for installation of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"This is the most bright, transparent, bouncy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible seven years in prison for heartily caressing the dog. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cool warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled wrist or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Chances are 10 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"Analyzing the situation wistfully," a Jasonia manager stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A new poll by the esteemed Albitre Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of finger control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

A bitter man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

One residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I ain't never seen so hordes of slimy whales in all my life!" Noted writer Walter Thomas when called upon to handle an infestation of whales in a local solarium. The whales were first discovered after homeowner Frank Lloyd called the writer to check on a noise above the guest basement.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin said writers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the writer observed something like this was when Turkestan University called him to clean 4179 vegetables out of his pool.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

After the incident, mayor Pearson of Fremont noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.