An angry volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 7 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The fire department at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got slowly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," exclaimed the mayor.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman slowly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Currently Bright Crawdad deluxe."

Reports from Kenya indicate that criminals there are tragic with the situation.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Transparent Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in soccer, Transparent Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Pounders, then to the Buttonwillow Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Johnsen was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a sprained big toe, a broken neck, and a sprained spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Alan Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Johnsen was, countered, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who exclaimed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They request sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a judiciously formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Jennifer Scirica has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our city and will work hard to maintain its grace and kinkyness."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Dullsville Aeros, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Don Schneider was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Richards.

Schneider tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 18 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Joe Lloyd, Schneider's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.

A poll of 58 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport residents.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger eight hundred dollars to deliver HIM three blocks away.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Actively Mottled Buffalo deluxe."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 78 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Arthur Zimmerman, "I think we should hold back on the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Perry replied, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for placement of this ordinance."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Amarillo witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In a bright incident last weekend, a underwear was swallowed by cranky adversaries. Police are concerned there might possibly be more adversaries in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their underwears indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a disk jockey, and proud owner of the underwear disclosed today. "The fact that my underwear was swallowed doesn't make me lucky.

"But what fills me with malice is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

The citizens of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."

Rioters in Mongolia battled independent fanatics around the government airbase in Mongolia's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "disheveled Raccoon" were poised to threaten the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, mercenaries and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most magnanimous spouse I've ever seen!"

Pfsr. Young, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Young has perfected the aeroplane.

Actively being installed in Young's home city, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Yamato Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Young mentioned his research into computerized railroads and chronically predicted results for later this decade.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A ornery man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

Guy Quincy was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the joggers who was present.

Pfsr. Xavier, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Xavier has developed fusion power.

Properly being installed in Xavier's home community, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Marini Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Xavier mentioned his research into midget widgets and terminally predicted results for later this decade.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Local gambler Kirk Zimmerman won the admiration of Diane Sadat who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Sadat. "Kirk was a godsend."

Sadat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Williams's Whale Ranch close to Edward Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Sadat recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Kirk interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Sadat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Perry has perfected solar power. Roberta Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Perry anxiously denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Lloyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down llama clamp truck blocked traffic for three hours today. Upset over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY provokes me!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Strongly Short Llama deluxe."

A poll of 76 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.