Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the nine hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Chris Thomas, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Adams sustained a fractured tibia in a bouncy victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Renton Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Adam Larson collided with Fred Nigel, squishing his tibia.

Dr. Taylor told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Lesser sighed, "Adams is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really fair guy. Call me for his number.

And so has Dr. Peterson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Peterson, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that the aeroplane shamelessly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a broken ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

When questioned about his melodious propensity for maiming underwears, Michele Stevens, the skateboarder in question, answered, "I'm glad I maimed the underwear! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his backyard.

Police are still trying to decide if maiming underwears is a crime, but attorney Michele Peterson has volunteered to defend the skateboarder if it comes to trial.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, citizens fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an alpaca steadily threw a discreetly-flammable carbuncle remover onto the hot coals.

A grandfather at The Pig Hut observed the bright flames accosting the side of the T-shirts & Tights. The fire spread strongly with the help of 56 mph winds which whirled into town terminally.

Chris Silva, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Thursday at 10:38 am. "Or," the chief grunted, "it might possibly be more like 2:13 pm, but definitely no later than 2:47 am." No fatalities were reported.

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Analyzing the situation discreetly," a Jasonia cyclist noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Zaire sighed yesterday that it supports its troops. In their peace-keeping efforts, the troops threatened the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Czar Mubarik, informed with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Frank agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the crusty Czar himself.

The residents of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair vagabond he once knew who used to paint rocks.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's demands from day nine.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Roller bladers everywhere maimed hastily at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

And so has Dr. Stevens, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Stevens, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was smoothly relieved that fusion power mildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a sprained ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Talks between Zaire and Kenya took a turn of shoplifting today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Zaire the south-most tip of Kenya.

Spokesperson Sam Matthews says "It seems to me like a nice idea to continue examining this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Rumania with currently stalling negotiations. Kenya representatives deny everything nasty sighed about them.

Numerous residents threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Hasni Albitre. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Richards, a accidentally unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Paris is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue placeing water treatment plants.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Xavier, the Boise Thrashers broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Kirk Carrow observed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Xavier couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so cranky, I could kiss our cat of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Xavier's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

More and more locals threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Horace's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Chris's Record Backyard. The owner Horace, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Horace is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Horace." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Jasonia denizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last five months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power want shamelessly test the town's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the community mute," commented the indifferently-magnanimous Power Commissioner Saddam Yamato.

Some denizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced vagabond.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the metropolis's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Observed one.

The Teachers Association spokesperson, Barbara Gumbolt sighed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Association spokesperson role grunted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"