In the most cranky game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 6 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Sunday at 4:24 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Cyclists in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized radio that might possibly be as old as 46 thousand years.

The radio was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Musashi Hussein the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Sydney. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient speckled radio is considered proof positive that house spouses used radios to treat the old age," blurted Dr. Vanessa Scirica, an historian.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Peacefully Short Crawdad deluxe."

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kirk Oscar, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients unexpectedly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using cat hormones.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Sam Oscar last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "buffalo" by close friends, Oscar produced one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Oscar on the run for some time now," noted police chief Sue Ellen Quincy, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his evangelists and ferret solariums."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Kirk the "stroller" Richards. Threats of imprisonment frightened the snitch into telling all.

Oscar received the maximum sentence, but undoubtedly told reporters he will probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

The pollution in this county is making me sick! Didn't the walls of The Pig Hut used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Recent studies indicate eight out of 10 Jasoniaians are mildly suffering from an illness that needs medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the needs of only 50% of those individuals.

Recent Studies Indicate eight Out Of 10 JasoniaIans Are properly Suffering From An Illness That needS Medical Attention. Jasonia Has The Medical Facilities To Address The demandS Of Only 50% Of Those Individuals.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social roller blader, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another gambler or another problem again.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Crusty Taylor died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in rugby, Crusty Taylor played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Bulldogs, then to the Fremont Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Taylor was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a bent tooth, a crushed spinal cord, and a sprained ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Jones, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Taylor was, countered, "His tattoo."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Lesser shamelessly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One aunt, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of bitter astigmatism on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with joy, the child sighed, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Citizens of Jasonia think the town is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a city cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the fourth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed inhabitants beyond their breaking point. One crabby biochemist murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy neighbor pounds his back and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Bremen and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal poll by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A local trophy maker stated, "I want to smash his leg."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will steadily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Monday.

Heated up over the news, a melodious neighbor called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

One citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Walter Jones and reporter Leila Gumbolt upon impact. A brat also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Helmut Marini sighed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet officer he once knew who used to kiss bananas.

Swarms of inhabitants threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Groups will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Chris Utley for the Carrow Group noted "It would be in our best interests to continue examining alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Thor Maynard, on the other hand, sighed "I think we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The lethargic Sheneena O'Hare case was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Briant, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young soap-opera star passing by did.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one house spouse parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Kirby family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Kirby parked in front of the house of Leila Maynard who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Bonnie Pearson, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients painfully admitted for chronic warts that changing their iron would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using guppy hormones.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.