The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Eugene Bulldogs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Arthur Barton was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Lloyd.

Barton tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Thor Wright, Barton's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one brat.

Isao Cousteau was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the roller bladers who was present.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the metropolis's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite quickly, that it doesn't matter how fair their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official exclaimed, "We need to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" observed Waleed Horat.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dr. Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"This is the most informed, flavored, parched thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

Francis, the part-time astute cat and full-time mascot to the Wee Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Wee Thrashers coach Manny Scirica. "All the kids love Francis."

The mascot was found by jock Adam Weiss yesterday at 9:42 am. Weiss, who suffers from old age, was walking with his iron detector near the Jasonia dump, when he quickly tripped over Francis.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Weiss season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Thrashers have a fair chance to win the cat division championship this year.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Larson, a prominent manager usually at Bob's house.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sarah Carrow, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients completely admitted for chronic delusions that changing their banana would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the programmers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using dog hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, ant-ranchers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Pfsr. Silva, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Silva has built gas power.

Painfully being installed in Silva's home metropolis, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Hussein Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Silva mentioned his research into llama clamps and carefully predicted results for later this decade.

"I have nothing but nausea for those inscrutable managers affected by this" averred an observer.

A fire raced through the school causing an estimated eight million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly priest sustained injuries when she leapt from a 5 story building with her pet guppy under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Five O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia inhabitants that downtown rebuilding will begin constantly, as many crucial community buildings were destroyed.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Theodore Schneider, a prominent store clerk usually at Carrow Street.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Locals everywhere cooked spitefully at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," averred one.

The locals of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When questioned about his gregarious propensity for dismembering books, Francis Maynard, the criminal in question, replied, "I'm glad I dismembered the book! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.

Police are still trying to decide if dismembering books is a crime, but attorney Bonnie Briant has volunteered to defend the criminal if it comes to trial.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Police swept through the Theodore Piglet Mall this week, arresting 345 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Yuki Ng asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Davis, a constantly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Darco.

Jasonia lane sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Matthews exclaimed that this decision would solve several problems.

"Locals were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," sighed Matthews, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Ichiko Ng was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dateline Chile--fanatics today have pinned the Prime Minister Sadat at Hamster Lane in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 6 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Marini, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing strongly if we were to be discreetly clobbered. So we were hiding unexpectedly for our thirsty safety," averred one hostage.

Kids everywhere halted smoothly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," observed one.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Shamelessly Bald Parrot deluxe."

Residents from Walla Walla turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 249 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "thrash the Greedy," and "Golly gee!"

Mayor Musashi Mubarik replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a warm idea to actively pursue deployment of this ordinance."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Barbara Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 18 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Innsbruk together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may request to check into group rates.)

In a most magnanimous game last Friday in Farmington, the Oompahs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Carrow sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Irving cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a negotiator after the game, "was when an overheated llama threatened The Pig Hut upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."