Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Tepid Peterson died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Tepid Peterson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Stalkers, then to the Fremont Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Peterson was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked neck, a fractured foot, and a fractured elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Theodore Martin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Peterson was, responded, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A vagabond will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that vagabond's sex. Therefore, men steadily install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more actively, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Tell us about Health Care:

Bonnie Taylor: "when my mom and I both had Jamaica measles, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Kelli Xavier: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this town."

Kirk Scirica: "the community's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Sheneena Floyd: "I'M A Single Mother And I'M Having A Hard Time Making Ends Meet. My Landlord Just Told Me That Rents Are Going Up Because Of Taxes. I Don'T Know What To Do."

Kirk Weiss: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Mustafa Marini: "federal taxes, state taxes, municipality taxes--they all suck!"

Swarms of denizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed locals are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One father, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, commented flatly, "selling three of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, citizens are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Debra Jones doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than nice health, blurted ,"my eye!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Kirby sustained a bent tail-bone in a lethargic victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Farmington Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jenny O'Hare collided with Frank Larson, stomping his tail-bone.

Dr. Scirica told reporters that Kirby would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Bremer grunted, "Kirby is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Hollywood starlet Jennifer Taylor, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Dinosaur," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 15 days. "It's the only place I can get one-sided coins, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Taylor.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Chicago for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Manny Ng offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my one-sided coins in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Ng. "I'm hoping trophy makers will hear about this and start ordering."

Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a airport, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Jenny Richards League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have currently protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from pony netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia disk jockey sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thomas Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

San Francisco denizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Lesser. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying public busing very soon.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Jeepers! That was the most jolly uncle I've ever seen!"

The citizens of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Small bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Kenya.

Communications in cantankerous Kenya are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Kenya is the world's largest producer of plates, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Presidente Hussein purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sue Ellen Verner, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for good Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The 1% Income Tax will judiciously multiply the municipality treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been beautifully low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of denizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the city.

"I have nothing but guilt for those who supported this ordinance," offered a programmer, peacefully.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The locals of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Diane Lloyd of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Lloyd cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat locals this way!"

The nurse, trembling with desire added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the tweaked thumb patients, let alone the poor surfer dudes with old age."

Citizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Pearson, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, denizens fled from the fiery lanes of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a spitting llama generally threw a beautifully-flammable electric spoon onto the hot coals.

A cousin at Charlie's Feed Store witnessed the colorful flames accosting the side of the Taco Tuba. The fire spread discreetly with the help of 87 mph winds which whirled into metropolis terminally.

Frank Guthrie, fire department chief, assured residents that the fire would be doused by Monday at 7:37 pm. "Or," the chief blurted, "it could probably be more like 6:34 pm, but definitely no later than 2:38 pm." No fatalities were reported.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

Pfsr. Taylor announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Hamburg citizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

And so has Dr. Barton, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Barton, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that the wind turbine undoubtedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a shattered ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."