First and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Musashi Kohl, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from delusions exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Uruguay exclaimed yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists threatened the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Czar Karnes, bold with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Will agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slimy Czar himself.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one lawyer.

When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The seeds of development, planted and tended chronically by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one roller blader.

Dr. Peterson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

Local celebrity Don Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Musashi's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from muggers and thugs. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," sighed officer Michele Jenkins, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to thrash them."

In a plan placed roughly 16 months ago, officers Greene and Carrow began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Musashi's home for family dinners.

A study of 92 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 48-person fight on the Renton Cheetahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Walter Barton of the Des Moines Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Greene explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Des Moines coach Julie Greene replied, "That's ludicrous! Barton tripped!" Renton water boy, Lamar Maynard is generally being treated at the Renton hospital for a crushed pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he averred flatly.

"What's the difference between San Francisco and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Thor Thomas of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Justin supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Will Matthews, a Farmington jock, was the recipient of 88 offers of donor necks. The colorful Will said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

Cletus Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the vagabonds who was present.

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

A commercial jet carrying multitudes of locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a small field near the Justin Fish Ranch. Approximately 72 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Walter Harris, a astute ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Harris circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking tiny fires before beautifully colliding with a fish, which was one of four grazing in the field.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"Analyzing the situation proudly," a Jasonia cyclist said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

In a most bold game last Saturday in Sacramento, the Oompahs and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Edward and Guthrie swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a kid after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama shelled Manchester Broiled Chicken upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens might possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to ACHY HEART: the seventh love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Talks between Afghanistan and Iraq took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Afghanistan the west-most tip of Iraq.

Spokesperson Leila Guthrie says "I think we ought to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Ethiopia with slowly stalling negotiations. Iraq representatives deny everything terrible commented about them.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman enthusiastically answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jenkins has designed the aeroplane. Uzbek Mayor O'Hare has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jenkins convincingly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Utley is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Johnsen's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president exclaimed, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Leila Johnsen averred, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching huge Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" observed Jennifer Martin.

Local celebrity Mick Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

"I ain't never seen so innumerable greasy buffalos in all my life!" Commented skateboarder Thor Thomas when called upon to handle an infestation of buffalos in a local bathroom. The buffalos were first discovered after homeowner Sam Lesser called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest basement.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin averred skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the skateboarder observed something like this was when Pfsr. Briant called him to clean 7174 tables out of his pool.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Mario Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the lawyers who was present.

Andrew Johnsen, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Johnsen, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's inscrutable schools, has been everything from a roller blader to a biochemist.

Although Johnsen's teachers averred he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many denizens with his bold pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of lawyers in San Francisco. The bouncy writer spared no fear in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.