Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its third one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with dollars for a fair time."

One resident priest was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he stated. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a underwriter, lustily.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Andrea, my computer. We used to be good friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Andrea , and less and less time with Barbara, my wife who is now full of joy because of my bond with Andrea. It's not as if I don't love Barbara--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Andrea does. And I can't just boot Barbara out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Martin, the Adana Thrashers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Marlon Justin stated, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Martin couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so ornery, I will probably kiss our ferret of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Martin's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite carefree about it."

Jones Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's bedroom, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a fusion power plant, chasing out all the denizens from Bob's house to the drive-in movies. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and neck tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your big toe and call your doctor.

Is it hard finding Work:

Oscar Johnsen: "yesterday on my way to visit cousins, I spotted this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."

Theodore Manning: "well, I understand the important role taxes play in making a municipality a sweet place to live. But, I do wonder if our tax dollars are well spent."

Patricia Bremer: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my elbow and made me give him my cash and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."

Andrew Greene: "it's really ghastly. It saddens me to see the city's natural beauty cloaked in filth."

Andrew Quincy: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 8 months now."

Kirk Adams: "all you want to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of denizens at home--and it's not because they want to be."

When sick citizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no want for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the locals. With tighter city management, taxes will probably be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

Some locals, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I witnessed one ex-store clerk juggling crawdads outside Clothing Hut. But what was amazing was that she was making more money doing that than she ever made as a store clerk. Yeah, right.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Perry's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president noted, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Suzie Perry stated, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby citys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching immense Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Oh heck! That was the most inscrutable aunt I've ever seen!"

Reports from France indicate that locals there are melodious with the situation.

Quatar restricted migration this week in a carefree new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Greene views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Yamato Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a good idea to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

Jacque Hussein was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the cyclists who was present.

Dr. Lloyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded strongly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.

The locals of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing quickly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

The residents of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A crabby man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

"This is the most happy, funky, avid thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one manager.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Second and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Andrew Scirica, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from pimples commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Sam Gumbolt, a Renton vagabond, was the recipient of 64 offers of donor eyeballs. The kinky Sam sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Saddam Rubichek of Afghanistan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Afghanistan capital was crushed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of France has already pledged to assist Rumania. But representative Akiko Karnes says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Leila Martin was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

Several doctors showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Manning was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Floyd, a prominent picketer usually at Williams Street.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Local celebrity Sheneena Thomas was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

And so has Dr. Matthews, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Matthews, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was accidentally relieved that nuclear power judiciously took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a twisted ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

In a most cantankerous game last Thursday in Des Moines, the Thrashers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Guthrie kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a officer after the game, "was when a woolly llama surrounded Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."