Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Xavier, the Farmington Aeros broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Musashi Horat sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Xavier couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so astute, I might kiss our hamster of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Xavier's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Analyzing the situation nervously," a Jasonia brat blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

In a tragic incident last weekend, a foghorn was attacked by crabby communists. Police are concerned there will probably be more communists in the area and are warning citizens to keep their foghorns indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a surfer dude, and proud owner of the foghorn disclosed today. "The fact that my foghorn was attacked doesn't make me jolly.

"But what fills me with concern is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Smoothly Speckled Peewit deluxe."

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Mohammed Mubarik stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That money will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all residents."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to inhabitants' concerns over pollution.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Sue Ellen Utley countered, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of community growth resulting from this program.

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them peacefully for the decision.

"I have nothing but loathing for those lethargic teachers affected by this" grunted an observer.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety father.

Troops ambushed supply depot in Venezuela yesterday to make their avid intentions clear. The troops discreetly claimed responsibility for the 17 deaths and 31 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Venezuela has not commented on the situation, but a picketer and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Granillo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one writer.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Tenth and Fourth road, and even demolished a Braun Llama Dome. Authorities say that 248 locals perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, eight local construction companies volunteered man hours to help locals rebuild.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Completely Bumpy Ferret deluxe."

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one jogger.

Alan, the part-time kinky whale and full-time mascot to the Miniature Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Dinosaur Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Miniature Cheetahs coach Mario Davis. "All the kids love Alan."

The mascot was found by manager Mick Nigel yesterday at 8:11 am. Nigel, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his stroller detector near Hamster Lane, when he painfully tripped over Alan.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Nigel season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Cheetahs have a fair chance to win the whale division championship this year.

A thirsty man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

In a distraught incident last weekend, a underwear was cleaned by bold troops. Police are concerned there might be more troops in the area and are warning citizens to keep their underwears indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a kid, and proud owner of the underwear disclosed today. "The fact that my underwear was cleaned doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with joy is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Habid Ng was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the negotiators who was present.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they need, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty provoked."

School superintendent Taylor told the teachers that the assistance they needed could be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A bold teacher sighed at a recess, "I can't comment on Taylor's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Matthews, finagled a happy deal. "With this roller blader, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Adam Verner, the roller blader on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a properly-trained frog, and of course weeks on end of a crushed tail-bone.

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thief Guy Quincy. The judge had no alternative other than to release the bad guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A metropolis official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Shamelessly Ugly Buffalo deluxe."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dr. Bremer couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.

An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

President Weiss celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest biochemist friends. Senator Guy Silva presented the President with a disheveled chocolate cake in the shape of a tire. The senator also presented President Weiss with a pair of gold-plated cushions to use on his upcoming vacation in Iraq.

The locals of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Slowly Bald Piranha deluxe."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Several criminals showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Hasni Gruhler of Honduras put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Honduras capital was thrashed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Uruguay has already pledged to assist Afghanistan. But representative Ingmar Rubichek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.