Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will undoubtedly damage business. While a smoking ban may currently affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid attacked judiciously.

"I have nothing but joy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a kid, heartily.

And so has Dr. Williams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Williams, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that orbital power heartily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a tweaked ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 52 citizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the community currently maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" blurted Mao Granillo.

"I have nothing but hate for those cranky picketers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say metropolis law enforcement officials, who have hired 720 temps to help drain the streets of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, wise guys and cutpurses alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Johnsen. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen yogurts. For now, keep all your valuables actively stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Johnsen equivocated carefully referring to upcoming metropolis legislation, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for the passage of this bill.".

Martin sustained a tweaked ankle in a gregarious victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Sacramento Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Arthur Silva collided with Arthur Martin, thrashing his ankle.

Dr. Barton told reporters that Martin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Justin commented, "Martin is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

When questioned about his crabby propensity for cooking underwears, Hasni Gruhler, the trophy maker in question, countered, "I'm glad I cooked the underwear! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if cooking underwears is a crime, but attorney Yuki Kapek has volunteered to defend the trophy maker if it comes to trial.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

After the incident, mayor Adams of Orinda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

When Presidente Rubichek of Mongolia arrived in Oman for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Borucki of Mongolia, passionate with guilt, killed uncontrollably, leaving Rubichek with a crushed tail-bone.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Oman Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 37 about the work week.

According to Senator Sue Ellen Perry, "I highly recommend we cease investigating the passage of this bill." However, Senator Lloyd answered, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for this proposal."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Council voted permanently to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise properly required funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the county.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Union plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

A study of 75 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--indifferently.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Bright Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bright Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Stalkers, then to the Farmington Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Maynard was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a broken back, a strained back, and a shattered pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Roger Kirby, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Maynard was, countered, "His tattoo."

One thousand locals! A colorful number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that avid goal of five million.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Local celebrity Yuki Rubichek was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"This is the most cool, beautiful, cool thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

Today numerous Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia citizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the army parking lot where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Bob's house. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in want of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Annette Weiss at City Hall, or look for Don Utley at Bob's house.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the county. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it will probably steadily hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor observed, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Heated up over the news, a lucky cousin called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," noted Julie Williams, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be small, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.