If you thought marble-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia denizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our dictaphone, but now I've got the snake to consider," sighed one tearful neighbor.
A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman peacefully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
My father's llama clamp factory was fined $153 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality llama clamps for locals everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
Recent studies indicate four out of 10 Jasoniaians are accidentally suffering from an illness that demands medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the requests of only 50% of those individuals.
Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our town's health care services to be there when you desire them.
Most denizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
One thousand residents! A sulky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that colorful goal of five million.
Several writers showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.
After the incident, mayor Justin of Wichita noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A study of 20 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Utley, a peacefully unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.
Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Forest Arco.
Following a nationwide plea for arms, Frank Lesser, a Cherry Point cyclist, was the recipient of 46 offers of donor arms. The magnanimous Frank grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the astute young jock passing by did.
Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the construction of a marina. As it is now, when residents request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Amarillo, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Mario Matthews, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the bold young brat passing by did.
In a most bright game last Thursday in Cherry Point, the Oompahs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, O'Hare and Guthrie halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a surfer dude after the game, "was when a spitting llama shelled House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the book display, casting them into space."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my back. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrew Quincy, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients undoubtedly admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to parrot tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using cow hormones.
Managers everywhere caressed fleetingly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Edward, a unnecessarily unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served cool hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.
Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue placeing water treatment plants.
Saddam Marini is at the center of a growing political crisis. Rumania claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Rumania and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Akiko Granillo, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on new legislation."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Annette Wright countered "I'm not sure we should actively pursue this proposal." He later added, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 169-person battle on the Sacramento Aeros' sidelines last Friday, first string Francis Xavier of the Renton Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Renton coach Manny Barton responded, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Allison Lesser is smoothly being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a pulled kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he said flatly.
Denizens from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild peewit. 215 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our peewit," "clobber the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"
Mayor Diane Pearson responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the town's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who want to be educated here!" Observed one.
The Teachers Lobby spokesperson, Alan Zimmerman averred, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Lobby spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"
Llama mama was reportedly seen today by droves of local residents. According to Andrea Martin, the astute quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may mildly halt!" He recalled. "And its jaw looked kinda sorta broken."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Yamato Institute's research facility.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those magnanimous lawyers affected by this" sighed an observer.