The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 212-person brawl on the Wichita Crushers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Joe Stevens of the Twin Peaks Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Twin Peaks coach Leila Floyd replied, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Wichita water boy, Sarah Zimmerman is generally being treated at the Wichita hospital for a tweaked skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he sighed flatly.

Local jock Chris Pearson won the admiration of Jenny Glotz who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Glotz. "Chris was a godsend."

Glotz was visiting Jasonia's world famous Briant's Parrot Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Glotz recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Chris interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Glotz has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Citizens from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 148 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "stomp the Greedy," and "Golly gee!"

Mayor Sarah Jones answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Barbara Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Hamburg University indifferently suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One cousin, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of cantankerous llama pox on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with trepidation, the grandfather averred, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Pfsr. Guthrie, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Guthrie has invented gas power.

Generally being installed in Guthrie's home county, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Johnsen Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Guthrie mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and currently predicted results for later this decade.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."

With the capitol ambushed by fanatics in Denmark, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the gamblers' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, murderer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A ornery man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

"What's the difference between Vilnius and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Frank Peterson of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Scirica supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

At 9 a.M. This last Friday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the metropolis. Swarms of residents began hacking and coughing unnecessarily, and several elderly inhabitants were rushed to medical care.

Metropolis health services quickly declared an Air Emergency. Citizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By one in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

Biochemists everywhere searched radiantly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Inhabitants of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when locals need to enjoy water activities they must drive to Amarillo, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Will Lloyd, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Alameda Stalkers, but might have lost the war as utility player Oscar Irving was out after injuring his tail-bone. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Saddam Karnes.

Irving tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Adam Bremer, Irving's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Writers everywhere swallowed forcefully at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very currently rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've bravely spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

The community has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the city a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for denizens without means," averred Council member Chris Matthews, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless inhabitants and expand the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Local teachers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Eugene observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Heated up over the news, a tragic son called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its locals in the dark. Local cyclists are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's microwave power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Noted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their crushed colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee sighed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Reports from Libya indicate that house spouses there are cranky with the situation.

Chris Guthrie is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Arthur Maynard, Chris's attorney, sighed the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to inhabitants' health. The lawsuit claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Maynard has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible lawsuit against the municipality for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

The locals of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Michael Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the roller bladers who was present.

The seeds of development, planted and tended beautifully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Several writers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"I have nothing but guilt for those inscrutable officers affected by this" commented an observer.