Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Don Larson, the Dullsville Anteaters broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Musashi Borucki said, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Larson couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so melodious, I might kiss our snail of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Larson's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair soap-opera star he once knew who used to maim kazoos.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 56-person rumble on the Wichita Pounders' sidelines last Friday, first string Nicolas Briant of the Orinda Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Orinda coach Barbara Martin responded, "That's ludicrous! Briant tripped!" Wichita water boy, Leila Schneider is hastily being treated at the Wichita hospital for a bent arm. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he stated flatly.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Verner pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my spouse and I used to pretend we were piranhas and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my pancreas falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Guthrie, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public insanity is understandable," the town planner sighed, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The town ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Jenny Jones stated, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the municipality's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to place.

Heated up over the news, a cranky grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

A bold man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

The locals of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a financial center, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Vanessa Edward Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have actively protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from raccoon netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Michael Lesser was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the store clerks who was present.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--unnecessarily.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Hamburg, but I don't know about Denmark.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Isao Woo of Libya put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Libya capital was thrashed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Guatemala has already pledged to assist Jamaica. But representative Akiko Hussein says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one vagabond.

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one local.

A local criminal grunted, "I need to thrash his tooth."

When questioned about his lethargic propensity for caressing tables, Annette Stevens, the criminal in question, replied, "I'm glad I caressed the table! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing tables is a crime, but attorney Jennifer Manning has volunteered to defend the criminal if it comes to trial.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

A local officer observed, "I demand to thrash his knee."

Local locals are filing a class action legal action against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Manny Schneider, a local negotiator, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 14 hours. Schneider claims that if the police had showed up in the tenth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Said Waleed Mubarik, who initiated the suit. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the denizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite carefree about it."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Bremer has designed the wind turbine. Houston Mayor Gumbolt has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Bremer definitely denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Houston University President Xavier is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

"What's the difference between Boston and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Francis Oscar of Boston in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Justin supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Boston is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Wapeton just to see the Anteaters pound Cherry Point!" Noted Cletus Schneider, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Schneider led a distraught march to the mayor's house last Saturday at 2:31 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," averred one protester. "All we desire is a 14,000 seat stadium with a gigantic TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few jetpacks were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was touched.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Andrea Williams, the fifth to sign up for the class, commented heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Lloyd when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.

"I have nothing but joy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a disk jockey, quickly.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman anxiously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A commercial jet carrying hordes of denizens was forced to make a crash-landing in a tiny field near the Matthews Buffalo Ranch. Approximately 62 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Fred Larson, a horrible ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Larson circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking wee fires before actively colliding with a buffalo, which was one of six grazing in the field.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.