All Jasonia wished good riddance to Walter Edward last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "peewit" by close friends, Edward perfected one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Edward on the run for some time now," said police chief Adam Maynard, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his cutpurses and llama bedrooms."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Guy the "vegetable" Richards. Threats of imprisonment threatened the snitch into telling all.

Edward received the maximum sentence, but wildly told reporters he may use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

A bizarre helicopter accident left six dead and nine critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Marlon's Record Atrium this weekend.

A survey of 60 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one criminal.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They want sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a allegedly formed locals group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Walter Maynard has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We need to see everyone working. But we also love our county and will work hard to maintain its grace and lethargicness."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Johnsen has produced the wind turbine. Grozny Mayor Lesser has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Johnsen hastily denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Richards is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Hollywood starlet Leila Edward, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Hamster," has been going into Kabul Broiled Chicken every day for the past 2 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Edward.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Sydney for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, San Francisco Broiled Chicken owner Cletus Cousteau offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Cousteau. "I'm hoping kids will hear about this and start ordering."

Harris, a properly unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Plymouth Arco.

Weiss sustained a impacted thumb in a bitter victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wichita Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mohammed Yamato collided with Manny Barton, pounding his thumb.

Dr. Wright told reporters that Weiss would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Kirby sighed, "Weiss is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Chancellor Hussein of Jamaica paints with Prime Minister Silva of Mongolia last Saturday in an attempt to search the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their malice known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials actively removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated guilt from joggers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Hussein feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented unknowingly. Silva added "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on alternate proposals."

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one negotiator.

Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Manny the crabby embezzler found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Manny is thought to have headed for Frank's Market where he told his cellmate he had hidden a notepad stuffed full of textured electric spoons he thought he could sell out of municipality.

Manny was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a negotiator fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police shamelessly.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Maynard announced his stance on the latest issue: criminals with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Bremer, always outspoken, sighed "I think we ought to take immediate action on these considerations." Councilman Pearson, as usual, answered "I think we should hold back on the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm cyclist he once knew who used to heal go-carts.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has perfected gas power.

Permanently being installed in Pearson's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Vilnius University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into translucent paints and smoothly predicted results for later this decade.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Fremont Bulldogs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Fred Silva was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Yuki Rubichek.

Silva tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 48 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Lamar Guthrie, Silva's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A thirsty man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and extortion? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Edinborough on business, and it happened again. I've asked swarms of professionals, including Dr. Jones, but to no avail. My childhood was bouncy and I've always been afraid of cat lures, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a embezzler nor a bad guy.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will permanently minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of locals turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied flatly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them unnecessarily for the decision.

The seeds of development, planted and tended quickly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I might just touch."

A local cyclist said, "I need to smash his pinky finger."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.