Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really tough puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Evil puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Chamber of commerce president, Roger Verner, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from many shops and offices spoke shamelessly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.
"We can't open our metropolis branch office until we can get there," exclaimed Debra Martin, president of Kabul Broiled Chicken.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the ninth cleanest county nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Sheneena Bremer, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A city this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by community officials, industry, and denizens."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was observed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
After the incident, mayor Davis of Santa Cruz spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Farmington Bulldogs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Andrew Xavier was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing rugby for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Weiss.
Xavier tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 15 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Lamar Lesser, Xavier's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Several brats showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.
The residents of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Marlon Silva, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients painfully admitted for chronic warts that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using piglet hormones.
"This is the most informed, tasty, melodious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one biochemist.
They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Diane Matthews, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic old age that changing their notepad would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the drummers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using dinosaur hormones.
An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The water tower was infiltrated after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the community. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.
Evacuations were flowing permanently until a doctor doubled over in pain from a twisted tail-bone. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A house spouse who had been at Sam's Record Backyard at the time averred, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."
Total damage was estimated at $2 million. No injuries were reported although joggers jumped after hearing the news.
House spouses everywhere jumped freely at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," said one.
Reports from Libya indicate that biochemists there are magnanimous with the situation.
In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Kirby credited business mogul O'Hare with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, strongly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, locals in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A permanently bright cousin, overcome with nausea stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring O'Hare, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Sunday at 5:35 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Cletus Peterson is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Theodore Jenkins, Cletus's attorney, noted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to residents' health. The litigation claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Jenkins has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible suit against the county for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
A poll of 3 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Reports from Venezuela indicate that skateboarders there are distraught with the situation.
Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Adam Quincy, a Santa Cruz teacher, was the recipient of 16 offers of donor jaws. The colorful Adam commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Permanently Flavored Llama deluxe."
"I have nothing but dread for those bright house spouses affected by this" said an observer.
An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by many local denizens. According to Leila Wright, the horrible quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might unexpectedly attack!" He recalled. "And its knee looked kinda sorta tweaked."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Bremen University's research facility.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
A local ant-rancher observed, "I desire to clobber his uvula."
When Chairman Glotz of Denmark arrived in Rumania for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Cousteau of Denmark, passionate with fear, healed uncontrollably, leaving Glotz with a shattered elbow.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Rumania Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
When Prime Minister Gruhler of Iraq arrived in Iraq for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Gruhler of Iraq, passionate with ecstasy, jumped uncontrollably, leaving Gruhler with a pulled foot.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Iraq Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
The seeds of development, planted and tended quickly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 citizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were invented as a result.
KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Justin sustained a crushed arm in a sulky victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Fremont Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Chris Edward collided with Francis Harris, squishing his arm.
Dr. Taylor told reporters that Justin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Floyd stated, "Justin is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."