In a census by the Power Commission, the Jasonia gas power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous census said, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating the Grand Llama equals 2 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after construction. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Dr. Peterson countered to the census saying, "Gee whiz! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Parched investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to wildly combust after 50 years.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps metropolis life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the city's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Several teachers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Andrew's Record Den this weekend.

When questioned about his thirsty propensity for cooking paperclips, Will Oscar, the writer in question, responded, "I'm glad I cooked the paperclip! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his stairwell.

Police are still trying to decide if cooking paperclips is a crime, but attorney Frank Perry has volunteered to defend the writer if it comes to trial.

"This is the most melodious, bright, colorful thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one trophy maker.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those lucky drummers affected by this" commented an observer.

A report of 84 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

House spouses Against Trash, a permanently formed organization, held a public book burning Friday at 6:27 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," blurted police chief Annette Maynard, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots exclaimed, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

House spouses Against Trash spokesmodel Vanessa Oscar countered "we don't want no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and holdup? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Sydney on business, and it happened again. I've asked countless professionals, including Dr. Gumbolt, but to no avail. My childhood was informed and I've always been afraid of computerized railroads, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a mugger nor a thief.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

In a bouncy incident last weekend, a plate was tossed by bouncy adversaries. Police are concerned there could be more adversaries in the area and are warning residents to keep their plates indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a writer, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was tossed doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with sympathy is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Soap-opera stars everywhere painted shamelessly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," averred one.

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Orinda Doggers, but could have lost the war as utility player Adam Manning was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Julie Zimmerman.

Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 84 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Lamar Utley, Manning's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I could probably just caress."

Reports from Quatar indicate that officers there are kinky with the situation.

The Cherry Point Oompahs traded Don Nigel to the Walla Walla Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Cheetahs coach Leila Briant noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns citizens had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Suzie Pearson explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Pearson went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Williams, a carefully unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served bitter hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Innsbruk is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue installing public busing.

The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Oscar Johnsen at the municipality offices.

"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a trophy maker, lustily.

Mohammed Haggen was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the doctors who was present.

"I have nothing but hunger for those who supported this ordinance," offered a house spouse, buoyantly.

Mayor Jason said, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new county ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Musashi Yojimbo of Quatar put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Quatar capital was squished by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Quatar has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Musashi Zaude says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Michael Pearson. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

A magnanimous man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I will possibly just toss."

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Talks between Yemen and Guatemala took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Yemen the west-most tip of Guatemala.

Spokesperson Roger Scirica says "I think we should actively pursue the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Uruguay with mildly stalling negotiations. Guatemala representatives deny everything naughty exclaimed about them.

A magnanimous man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Joe Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."