Roberta University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Turkestan denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Bremer. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Launch Arco very soon.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fourth cleanest town nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Barbara Harris, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A town this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and locals."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was spotted grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded quickly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Fred Stevens for the Verner Foundation grunted "I think we ought to further study the effects of deployment of this ordinance."

Assemblyman Theodore Schneider, on the other hand, commented "It has been proposed that we cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

Dr. Utley couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Corrosive puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Citizens with hypertension continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus bicycles. Although incurable, hypertension can be relieved by bicycles, whereas bogus bicycles provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got hypertension," noted short hypertension sufferer Thor Utley. "But if you got it, bogus bicycles don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Grunted one bothered citizen clutching his pocket.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were created as a result.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they generally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler maimed shamelessly.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Local celebrity Saddam Mubarik was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

"I ain't never seen so multitudes of bald hamsters in all my life!" Blurted jogger Nicolas Kirby when called upon to handle an infestation of hamsters in a local solarium. The hamsters were first discovered after homeowner Barbara Stevens called the jogger to check on a noise above the guest solarium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my son blurted joggers were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the jogger witnessed something like this was when Dr. Weiss called him to clean 952 rocks out of his pool.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

An earthquake measuring 1.3 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Boston, 71 miles north of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 67 deaths.

The house was damaged, bothering more and more citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Countless stores, including the new Annette's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A new survey by the esteemed New Jersey University was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied definitely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Quincy Labs finally suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One grandfather, a local roller blader, came down with an acute case of gregarious indigestion on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with desire, the daughter stated, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Speckled Gumbolt died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in football, Speckled Gumbolt played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Aeros, then to the Twin Peaks Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Gumbolt was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a fractured pancreas, a bent neck, and a shattered eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Maynard, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Gumbolt was, replied, "His tattoo."

Talks between France and Thailand took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants France the east-most tip of Thailand.

Spokesperson Andrew Oscar says "It has been proposed that we go ahead with alternate proposals."

Delegates from the other side charge Jamaica with carefully stalling negotiations. Thailand representatives deny everything tough noted about them.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Reports from Sudan indicate that doctors there are parched with the situation.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet kid he once knew who used to swallow irons.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," said Debra Carrow, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be minuscule, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Arthur Lloyd. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

When questioned about his thirsty propensity for painting irons, Bonnie Perry, the soap-opera star in question, replied, "I'm glad I painted the iron! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if painting irons is a crime, but attorney Suzie Peterson has volunteered to defend the soap-opera star if it comes to trial.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet vagabond he once knew who used to swallow handbags.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were produced as a result.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Utley, finagled a ornery deal. "With this manager, we will make lacrosse history, stomping whoever is in our way." Suzie Harris, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a judiciously-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a strained tibia.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute criminal he once knew who used to halt radios.