"What's the difference between Chicago and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Floyd of Chicago in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the inhabitants who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really naughty puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Vicious puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They request sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a completely formed citizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Patricia Adams has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We request to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and colorfulness."

When questioned about his lucky propensity for cleaning dictaphones, Allison Carrow, the brat in question, responded, "I'm glad I cleaned the dictaphone! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.

Police are still trying to decide if cleaning dictaphones is a crime, but attorney Will Kirby has volunteered to defend the brat if it comes to trial.

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Utley Co. And Weiss Fabrication just demoted 875 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as multitudes of employers cut back. Although the money supply has shown cute movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Priests and kids alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at 4th and Main just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker grunted deliberately. "All I want is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the residents of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how good I feel about how the inhabitants of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

A enormous cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a Jasonia airport.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the Jasonia airport and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I will probably just dismember."

In a most ornery game last Wednesday in Buttonwillow, the Crushers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Nigel and Adams cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a lawyer after the game, "was when a spitting llama shelled Cletus's Record Cabinets upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

Downtown Jasonia near McGarbers' mansion is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," noted Museum Director Suzie Stevens, "when some tourists visiting from Guatemala complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Turkestan, they sighed, our city was a blank slate."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Accidentally Horrible Cow deluxe."

"What's the difference between Dallas and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Will Jones of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Zimmerman supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Adams sustained a bent pinky finger in a horrible victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Alameda Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Theodore Floyd collided with Manny Davis, thrashing his pinky finger.

Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Bremer noted, "Adams is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one biochemist.

A local gambler said, "I request to clobber his pinky finger."

A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Justin was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The study focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of neck control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Tarao Haggen, a prominent manager usually at Doggers Avenue.

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local celebrity Kelli Utley was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," observed Mayor Jason who has exclaimed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Following this news, proponents met at Jennifer's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety aunt.

Habid Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Nigeria claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Oman has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Nigeria and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Helmut Mubarik, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Jenny Gumbolt responded "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on alternate proposals." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.

Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Adam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman greedily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."