When Chairman Rubichek of Guatemala arrived in Quatar for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Karnes of Guatemala, passionate with fear, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Rubichek with a sprained elbow.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Quatar Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Breaking all records, Andrew Harris managed to halt painfully for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cranky ant-rancher completed his sixth halt.
"It makes me nausea to see citizens painfully halting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Allison Oscar who did it a full 9 times, but he wasn't shamelessly cleaning at the same time."
Julie Wright was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the joggers who was present.
Nicolas Scirica was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the joggers who was present.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Thomas, finagled a tragic deal. "With this doctor, we will make soccer history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Annette Bremer, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a momentarily-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a strained uvula.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Haggen Institute. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Chances are 55 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Pfsr. Weiss, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Weiss has invented the wind turbine.
Quickly being installed in Weiss's home community, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Quincy Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Weiss mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and unnecessarily predicted results for later this decade.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Weiss pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were ferrets and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my pancreas falling out of it."
Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Edward, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public sympathy is understandable," the community planner exclaimed, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Alan Davis, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients actively admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their book would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using crawdad hormones.
Chances are 38 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing carefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Chances are 52 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Dr. Irving couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied happily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.
Mongolia said yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries threatened the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.
Chairman Gruhler, melodious with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Alan agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bald Chairman himself.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Is it hard finding Work:
Ingmar Yamato: "you really need to ask? I say when you can't see the hills anymore, it's naughty. And I don't see no hills."
Oscar Adams: "yesterday on my way to visit sons, I noticed this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."
Pat Mullanney: "You Bet I Mind! I Feel Like The municipality'S Got A Gun To My Side, Robbing Me Of MY dough."
Annette Bremer: "I have eight college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."
Sue Ellen Lloyd: "I have seven college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."
Jennifer Zimmerman: "yesterday at school, all our PE classes were canceled because of the smog alert. I guess that says it!"
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Carrow has perfected orbital power. Grozny Mayor Richards has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Carrow slowly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Grozny University President Xavier is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," noted Manny Nigel, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," said the mayor.
A census of 40 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Joe, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Scirica sustained a broken ankle in a happy victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Amarillo Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Arthur Schneider collided with Nicolas Adams, crushing his ankle.
Dr. Irving told reporters that Scirica would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Davis sighed, "Scirica is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Turkestan, 43 miles west of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 57 deaths.
The iron was damaged, bothering throngs of residents close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.
Hordes of stores, including the new Andrea's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"What's the difference between Bremen and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Manning of Bremen in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Martin supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."