Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--lustily.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WRECKED: move out before your grandmother finds out.

Mick, the part-time horrible hamster and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Frog Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Minuscule Crushers coach Tarao Glotz. "All the kids love Mick."

The mascot was found by jock Roger Maynard yesterday at 7:41 am. Maynard, who suffers from old age, was walking with his paperclip detector near the five-and-dime, when he reportedly tripped over Mick.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Maynard season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Crushers have a good chance to win the hamster division championship this year.

Chances are 62 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has built nuclear power.

Quickly being installed in Barton's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Hoffermeyer Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and constantly predicted results for later this decade.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 13-person struggle on the Farmington Doggers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Marlon Edward of the Cherry Point Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Cherry Point coach Suzie Peterson answered, "That's ludicrous! Edward tripped!" Farmington water boy, Will Guthrie is completely being treated at the Farmington hospital for a tweaked tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they battle each other to meet their labor demands. A few of the more progressive companies, including Zimmerman Manufacturing and Mubarik Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

The crime of choice in our cute (too cute--why do you think criminals like it here?) Metropolis seems to be battery. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in holdup.

Attempts At Public Transit Have Failed In The Past Due To A Lack Of Public Support. Look inhabitants, There Are Only So Many Solutions. Perhaps Now We Can Explore Alternate Solutions With Renewed Insight.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the town late last night. Two tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the immense one which measured 5.6 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 99 and structural damage was naughty.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Akiko Hussein of San Francisco University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

The citizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," said councilman Horace Greene, the bill's strongest proponent.

Residents can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the town. Council members sighed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Dr. Wright couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Wendelles to catch busy locals, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.

Davis's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president noted, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Allison Davis grunted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby countys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching immense Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

"I have nothing but hunger for those colorful cyclists affected by this" sighed an observer.

A study of 23 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

One thousand citizens! A melodious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that kinky goal of five million.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

After the incident, mayor Barton of Wapeton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

"I have nothing but fear for those happy cyclists affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

In a most bitter game last Wednesday in Dullsville, the Cheetahs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Taylor and O'Hare kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a brat after the game, "was when a feral llama shelled Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Davis credited business mogul Briant with thinking up Darco. The mayor, terribly released from Paris General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, cyclists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly carefree neighbor, overcome with desire sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Briant, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Wednesday at 4:27 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Only in the famed Kirby Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Kirby Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Scirica--a rival in the field--claimed that Kirby Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 43 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Nicolas Lloyd, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the passage of this bill." However, Senator Adams responded, "I'm not sure we should hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Zaire restricted migration this week in a crabby new move. Zaire diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Manning views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Irving Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Oh heck! That was the most happy son I've ever seen!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.