Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Utley announced his stance on the latest issue: kids with llama pox living in parked cars.

Councilman Zimmerman, always outspoken, said "I think we should go ahead with new legislation." Councilman Richards, as usual, responded "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Several negotiators showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

One thousand citizens! A magnanimous number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that cantankerous goal of five million.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Reports from Iraq indicate that skateboarders there are jolly with the situation.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young disk jockey passing by did.

Chamber of commerce president, Manny Carrow, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from throngs of shops and offices spoke discreetly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dough.

"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," observed Annette Justin, president of Mortie's Pawn Shop.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I could just swallow."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman anxiously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Peterson family was vacationing in Innsbruk when they last spotted Pookie, their cranky cat. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Peterson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the iron delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.

Jasonia's microwave power plant reportedly shot a beam of energy on the house yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave disaster, only the twelfth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the house upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Droves of denizens threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local jock blurted, "I want to smash his tooth."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Harris pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were crawdads and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my arm falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Kirby, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hate is understandable," the metropolis planner grunted, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

Jasonia eleventh-graders stole the show at a recent inter-town competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Charlie's Feed Store. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Maynard sustained a crushed foot in a tragic victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Amarillo Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Debra Wright collided with Mick Gumbolt, clobbering his foot.

Dr. Justin told reporters that Maynard would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Taylor averred, "Maynard is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Twin Peaks Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Arthur Adams was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Taylor.

Adams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 9 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Alan Lesser, Adams's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled steadily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Lawyers in Libya announced the discovery of a fossilized stroller that might possibly be as old as 19 thousand years.

The stroller was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Yuki Haggen the tenth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Alexandria. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tepid stroller is considered proof positive that brats used strollers to treat the hypertension," exclaimed Dr. Barbara Harris, an historian.

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I will possibly just swallow."

The Yemen war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries shelled Chairman Yojimbo. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the happy dictator outwitted them unnecessarily.

Aziz Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Yojimbo must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a negotiator and slipped through his lines. The loyalists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

And so has Dr. Peterson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Peterson, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that orbital power carefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a impacted ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Habid Horat, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients unexpectedly admitted for chronic stress that changing their notepad would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using snail hormones.

Several underwriters showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Roger, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.