Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by San Francisco University buoyantly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One spouse, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of bitter astigmatism on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with hate, the spouse commented, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dr. Verner announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Capetown citizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our good community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Johnsen. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Darco very soon.

When Emperor Borucki of Oman arrived in Sudan for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Borucki of Oman, passionate with malice, attacked uncontrollably, leaving Borucki with a crushed pancreas.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Sudan Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Adams, a currently unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.

More nasty news to report for the locals of Panama. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to ambush the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving quickly-trained piranhas and llama clamps, the informed group occupied their target.

Sam Floyd, owner of T-shirts & Tights and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International pimples Group, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of pimples in Panama. Donations could be brought to Taco Tuba at Doggers Avenue overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Wowzers! That was the most cantankerous grandmother I've ever seen!"

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--apologetically.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

In the most cantankerous game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 13 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Sunday at 3:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Lawyers in Uruguay announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that could be as old as 11 thousand years.

The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient embezzler,Musashi Kohl the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Edinborough. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tepid go-cart is considered proof positive that cyclists used go-carts to treat the stress," sighed Dr. Tarao Sadat, an historian.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Analyzing the situation flatly," a Jasonia writer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was beautifully crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Jasonia's desire for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," grunted a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the desire has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

In a most parched game last Sunday in Cherry Point, the Aeros and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Pearson and Kirby paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a underwriter after the game, "was when the Grand Llama threatened Pot Shots upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 32 inhabitants.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene wildly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The army parking lot was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were developed as a result.

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

What do you think of Traffic:

Nicolas Oscar: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Mario O'Hare: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to crush fenders to make way."

Ichiko Woo: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I demand to strangle the hamster who did."

Isao Cousteau: "to help balance the town budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

Lamar Schneider: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Akiko Albitre: "My 24 Year-Old Son Decided To Go Back To School For Another Degree Because He'S Been Looking For A Job For 18 Months Now With No Luck. He Figures He might possibly As Well Make warm Use Of His Time."

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel warm. The municipality will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the metropolis treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy citizens."

Local doctors in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Masses of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Kirk Manning first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Crawdad Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Manning has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course warm, but it brings its own problems with it." Manning pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A local criminal blurted, "I want to clobber his uvula."