Dr. Martin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Edinborough locals can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our fair city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing desalinization plants very soon.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bananas. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

More evil news to report for the citizens of Quatar. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to surround the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving constantly-trained parrots and ear candles, the cool group destroyed their target.

Lamar Manning, owner of Taco Tuba and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox Association, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of llama pox in Quatar. Donations will possibly be brought to Greenback's Bank at Adams Street overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Barbara Martin, resident expert at Houston General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their notepad would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using frog hormones.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

With the supply depot occupied by guerrillas in Libya, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the biochemists' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unnecessarily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

"I ain't never seen so many greasy llamas in all my life!" Said lawyer Michele Quincy when called upon to handle an infestation of llamas in a local closet. The llamas were first discovered after homeowner Isao Hussein called the lawyer to check on a noise above the guest solarium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my daughter commented lawyers were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.

The last time the lawyer observed something like this was when Yamato Institute called him to clean 930 books out of his pool.

A colorful man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Breaking all records, Guy O'Hare managed to kiss accidentally for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bright skateboarder completed his fourth kiss.

"It makes me fear to see denizens accidentally kissing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Patricia Davis who did it a full 14 times, but he wasn't terminally kicking at the same time."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Allegedly Tepid Snail deluxe."

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty bothered."

School superintendent Guthrie told the teachers that the assistance they required may be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A informed teacher said at a recess, "I can't comment on Guthrie's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing momentarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Innumerable citizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"I have nothing but malice for those bright doctors affected by this" noted an observer.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Unemployed are not just those residents on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Saddam's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 5 months before.

Experts Are Not Sure What Turns denizens Into Criminals, But One Thing Seems Clear. How They Got That Way Doesn'T Matter, But That They Are Operating In Jasonia Does! Boy, Do We need Help!

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Adams, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this picketer, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Bonnie Peterson, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a accidentally-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a strained knee.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Saddam Haggen, a prominent officer usually at Bob's house.

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered freely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

In a most jolly game last Monday in Cherry Point, the Aeros and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Davis sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Kirby and Greene attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a store clerk after the game, "was when a destitute llama infiltrated Wendelles upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," sighed Mustafa Albitre, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the wealth is here somewhere," blurted the mayor.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Ninth and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Leila Justin, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One sixth grader suffering from astigmatism commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason noted that deaths have exceeded 33 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old soap-opera star grunted with obvious trepidation.

A survey of 92 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.