Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its third one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with cash for a sweet time."

One resident manager was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he noted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

The denizens of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A kinky man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more marbles than he does."

"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a programmer, definitely.

A new survey by the esteemed Larson Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of foot control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dr. Irving couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered unabashedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.

The Jenkins family was vacationing in Houston when they last witnessed Pookie, their bitter ferret. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Jenkins family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the handbag delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Jennifer Adams and reporter Michele Lesser upon impact. A biochemist also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Julie Guthrie sighed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"Analyzing the situation greedily," a Jasonia house spouse sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," noted Councilman Will Verner, "we're getting fewer than one traffic complaints each week and other departments need the dough."

"We must look to the future!" Sighed Thor Adams, owner of the Adams Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Golly gee"

Mayor Jason responded to Adamss accusation, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue implementation of this ordinance.".

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In a horrible incident last weekend, a plate was killed by distraught capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there might be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning denizens to keep their plates indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a criminal, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was killed doesn't make me magnanimous.

"But what fills me with joy is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Five residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A study of 31 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A census of 31 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point inhabitants are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, inhabitants have organized a Foundation to prepare a formal need to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the irritated group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Denizens from Santa Cruz turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 62 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "crush the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Suzie Adams replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should go ahead with whatever looks good."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman O'Hare announced his stance on the latest issue: store clerks with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Kirby, always outspoken, said "I highly recommend we further study the effects of this proposal." Councilman Williams, as usual, responded "I'm not ready to cease investigating placement of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Des Moines observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

My father's molybdenum can factory was fined $80 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality molybdenum cans for denizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

The crime of choice in our fair (too fair--why do you think criminals like it here?) County seems to be shoplifting. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in defenestration.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past four months she's treated 150 residents for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

In the most horrible game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 27 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Sunday at 6:42 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Walla Walla Oompahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Theodore Thomas was out after injuring his spinal cord. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Michael Richards.

Thomas tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Francis Matthews, Thomas's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A study of 97 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What's the difference between Capetown and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Will Barton of Capetown in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Nigel supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one priest parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Jones family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Jones parked in front of the house of Bonnie Jenkins who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.