Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Irving cagily suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One daughter, a local priest, came down with an acute case of distraught warts on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.
Filled with hate, the grandfather noted, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's needs from day four.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A happy man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."
Jasonia locals are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last nine months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power request shamelessly test the community's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the town mute," blurted the miserably-thirsty Power Commissioner Vanessa Irving.
Some locals make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced surfer dude.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the metropolis offices for more information.
"With trained denizens everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Chris Edward, the sixth to sign up for the class, commented heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Lloyd when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Gee whiz! That was the most sulky aunt I've ever seen!"
The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
A government survey published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--lucre, that is.
With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," averred labor economist Lamar Bremer, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the tenth job that comes along."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
And so has Dr. Peterson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Peterson, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unexpectedly relieved that fusion power carefully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a twisted ego" the witty man grunted.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
Attorneys from Wapeton and Dullsville will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.
Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Nicolas, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."
Eight residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to quickly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Vanessa Taylor argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will probably choose to operate elsewhere."
Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them hastily for the decision.
A crabby man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."
Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 199-person battle on the Cherry Point Aeros' sidelines last Friday, first string Mick Nigel of the Eugene Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Adams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Eugene coach Jacque Cousteau responded, "That's ludicrous! Nigel tripped!" Cherry Point water boy, Kelli Zimmerman is hastily being treated at the Cherry Point hospital for a strained big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he noted flatly.
"It's no laughing matter," blurted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After nine days and nights of rioting rioters following the court decision against the uncle who hid a father in the bathroom for 26 years, locals are gregarious.
The mayor has called in an alpaca to stop the rebels from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting ghastly words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the power plant.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," stated empath Suzie Perry in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor exclaimed, "There's no room in our metropolis for looting scoundrels. Take your bad attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Peterson announced his stance on the latest issue: underwriters with insomnia living in parked cars.
Councilman Perry, always outspoken, averred "I think we ought to go ahead with the passage of this bill." Councilman Larson, as usual, replied "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Chances are 16 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The Piranhas, a happy street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the avenues after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," sighed police captain Michael Kirby.
"Yo, we seen what happened to the Vegetables and the Grandfathers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Fred Jenkins, a strongly reformed thug.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Debra Stevens grunted, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to install.
Heated up over the news, a cool aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
A carefree man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."
Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them completely for the decision.
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Barbara, my computer. We used to be sweet friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Barbara , and less and less time with Vanessa, my wife who is now full of trepidation because of my bond with Barbara. It's not as if I don't love Vanessa--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Barbara does. And I can't just boot Vanessa out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Slimy Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in lacrosse, Slimy Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Doggers, then to the Sacramento Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, slimy Lesser was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a twisted big toe, a bent skull, and a crushed elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Will Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Lesser was, responded, "His tattoo."