A astute jock at the Adams Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines hastily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of plates, fish, and litter flew in a 9 foot radius. Martin Labs was quick as a flash to assure city citizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Guy Oscar. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking cagily around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Michael Tepid Stevens died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Tepid Stevens played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Pounders, then to the Wapeton Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Stevens was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a strained leg, a pulled neck, and a pulled knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Theodore Peterson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Stevens was, replied, "His tattoo."

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Davis credited business mogul Edward with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, mildly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, picketers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully inscrutable son, overcome with trepidation blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Edward, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Monday at 2:41 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a most jolly game last Sunday in Eugene, the Pounders and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Richards sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Williams halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a vagabond after the game, "was when an alpaca threatened T-shirts & Tights upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Utley credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up subways. The mayor, chronically released from Roberta General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, criminals in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A judiciously colorful son, overcome with joy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Monday at 5:34 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

How are the Schools doing:

Bonnie Lesser: "I work at a mortgage company and I have to say things are getting scary. We are foreclosing more mortgages every month. If we can't sell some of these houses, then I'll be out of work."

Thor Richards: "My Wife'S Been Working As A Freelance Writer Since She Got Laid Off A Year Ago, And She'S Found More Work As A Freelancer Than As A Full-Time Employee. Still, It'S Not Enough To Live Off."

Guy Young: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Helmut Marini: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so nasty."

Waleed Gruhler: "the schools are doing miserably. I just read an article in the paper about how Jasonia's schools rank way below average."

Saddam Glotz: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "

The pollution in this city is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to nice bird song every morning just five years ago. They've left because the air is so toxic. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on town avenues. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they request to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's requests from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"This is the most magnanimous, textured, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one roller blader.

An angry volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 29 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The power plant at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got terminally out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," grunted the mayor.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A horrible man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

"I have nothing but apathy for those bright managers affected by this" grunted an observer.

When questioned about his colorful propensity for healing lanterns, Mario Justin, the jogger in question, responded, "I'm glad I healed the lantern! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if healing lanterns is a crime, but attorney Walter Carrow has volunteered to defend the jogger if it comes to trial.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were developed as a result.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 7 years.

Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Theodore, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The denizens of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dr. Richards announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Alexandria the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Leningrad inhabitants can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our pleasant county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Gumbolt. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a actively mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Stated one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied freely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most astute father I've ever seen!"

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 28 about the child care.

According to Senator Joe Adams, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of new legislation." However, Senator Perry responded, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of whatever looks good."

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Twin Peaks noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Theodore Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the disk jockeys who was present.