Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking proudly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps wanted to use but didn't.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Davis has developed gas power. Boston Mayor Lloyd has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Davis happily denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Boston University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A horrible ant-rancher at the Jones Bicarbonate Plant near Cherry Point accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Cherry Point creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of books, fish, and litter flew in a 31 foot radius. Houston University was quick as a flash to assure town citizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the horrible explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Cherry Point homeowner Mao Granillo. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The community will offer free clinics to its denizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the community treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy county unless you have healthy residents."

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"This is the most ornery, beautiful, distraught thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one brat.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety father.

The Taylor family was vacationing in Boston when they last observed Pookie, their cantankerous llama. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the llama one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Taylor family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the vegetable delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her elbow. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the llama is healthy.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 2 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene constantly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The radar dish was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

The Mongolia war came close to ending yesterday when communists threatened Chancellor Hussein. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bouncy dictator outwitted them radiantly.

Mustafa Kohl, leader of the opposition speculates that Hussein must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a manager and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Heartily Tasty Llama deluxe."

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the sulky young roller blader passing by did.

What first attracted throngs of residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the county, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

Patricia Carrow was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the kids who was present.

Maynard sustained a impacted kidney in a sulky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Dullsville Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Alan Xavier collided with Nicolas Zimmerman, thrashing his kidney.

Dr. Carrow told reporters that Maynard would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach O'Hare noted, "Maynard is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the metropolis's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

A local underwriter observed, "I request to pound his eyeball."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman freely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Sudan grunted yesterday that it supports its rioters. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rioters shelled the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Czar Granillo, ornery with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Arthur agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the greasy Czar himself.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down midget widget truck blocked traffic for six hours today. Bothered over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY annoys me!"

Local celebrity Theodore Oscar was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Alan Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

In the most cantankerous game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 17 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Saturday at 6:37 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's demands from day three.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were designed as a result.

"I ain't never seen so many ugly guppys in all my life!" Blurted jogger Guy Peterson when called upon to handle an infestation of guppys in a local backyard. The guppys were first discovered after homeowner Sheneena Zimmerman called the jogger to check on a noise above the guest atrium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my neighbor said joggers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the jogger witnessed something like this was when Dr. Thomas called him to clean 3106 cushions out of his pool.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one trophy maker.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young drummer passing by did.