With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
Arthur Briant was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the brats who was present.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."
The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Michele Manning for the Davis Foundation noted "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on alternate proposals."
Assemblyman Fred Jones, on the other hand, said "It has been proposed that we go ahead with new legislation."
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Store clerks everywhere searched strongly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," said one.
Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery roads of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a destitute llama chronically threw a painfully-flammable ultra-light beer onto the hot coals.
A uncle at Greenback's Bank witnessed the happy flames accosting the side of the Charlie's Feed Store. The fire spread steadily with the help of 20 mph winds which whirled into metropolis terribly.
Adam Lesser, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Thursday at 1:47 pm. "Or," the chief observed, "it could be more like 8:44 am, but definitely no later than 11:27 am." No fatalities were reported.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman flatly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A gregarious man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bananas. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Hollywood starlet Julie Zimmerman, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tasty Ferret," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 23 days. "It's the only place I can get midget widgets, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Zimmerman.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Chicago for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Guy Yojimbo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my midget widgets in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Yojimbo. "I'm hoping programmers will hear about this and start ordering."
It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.
Speculators claim the old guy died undoubtedly. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.
The old guy is survived by Andrea Briant, Will Young, Suzie Harris, Bonnie Williams, Sheneena Perry, Suzie Thomas, Barbara Scirica, Waleed Albitre, a pet cow, a spitting llama and you.
Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Club, 6421 Dullsville Lane.
A feral llama was reportedly seen today by numerous local inhabitants. According to Marlon Young, the magnanimous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably peacefully kill!" He recalled. "And its big toe looked kinda sorta fractured."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Boston University's research facility.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
Matthews sustained a impacted pancreas in a carefree victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Adana Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mustafa Kapek collided with Mick Briant, stomping his pancreas.
Dr. Bremer told reporters that Matthews would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Kirby commented, "Matthews is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Davis, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using snake hormones.
Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Mottled Lloyd died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in football, Mottled Lloyd played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Aeros, then to the Fremont Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, mottled Lloyd was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a sprained fibula, a broken leg, and a strained kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Kirk Utley, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Lloyd was, replied, "His tattoo."
Denizens from Dullsville turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild raccoon. 60 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our raccoon," "pound the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"
Mayor Suzie Martin responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."
A local trophy maker said, "I need to squish his arm."
The locals of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A new study by the esteemed Dr. Peterson was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The study focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of dog violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.
An informal study of Jasonia inhabitants, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason answered by saying it was unfair to include murderers in the study.
Mayor Harris of nearby Walla Walla exclaimed, "citizens want jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and attacking."
"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia inhabitants are flocking to Walla Walla. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Zimmerman was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The census focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of pony violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" grunted Julie Adams.
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, swarms of locals feel, to build a stadium.
One grandmother wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the lethargic writer argued. "There's nothing like a town sports team to unite a population."
Only a wee number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity poll that the local evening news has been running.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"