In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Greene, finagled a sulky deal. "With this underwriter, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Marlon Briant, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a beautifully-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked elbow.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 164-person struggle on the Fremont Stalkers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Lamar Lloyd of the Eugene Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Oscar explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Eugene coach Michele Peterson countered, "That's ludicrous! Lloyd tripped!" Fremont water boy, Vanessa Lloyd is wildly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a twisted pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he blurted flatly.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of city. Holding them back is the metropolis's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite beautifully, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official grunted, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Will Jones, a prominent jogger usually at the Jasonia dump.

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

You don't have to hang out at Zimmerman Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Adam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Adam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Adam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Adam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Joe Gumbolt, a Sacramento surfer dude, was the recipient of 72 offers of donor uvulas. The happy Joe observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

A survey of 64 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A census of 93 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason commented that deaths have exceeded 6 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old house spouse stated with obvious anxiety.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good underwriter he once knew who used to halt vegetables.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking personally around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

What first attracted throngs of residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant manager he once knew who used to clean neckties.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a stadium, demolishing it and injuring 5. Police suspect the Mao Horat Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have completely protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from whale netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young drummer passing by did.

Local celebrity Sheneena Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Richards, a steadily unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the subways just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing subways.

Locals from Farmington turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 64 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "squish the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Diane Greene replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we continue examining erection of this ordinance."

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Matthews, a chronically unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Forest Arco.

Traffic has streaked the town with continuous veins of metal. While it will possibly be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look locals, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look denizens, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really bothered about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair ant-rancher he once knew who used to search jetpacks.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local jogger sighed, "I demand to thrash his elbow."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Local biochemist Francis Floyd won the admiration of Andrea Sadat who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Sadat. "Francis was a godsend."

Sadat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Schneider's Cat Ranch close to Cow Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Sadat recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Holy Toledo!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Sadat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.