Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terribly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Hordes of citizens threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
Several teachers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.
In a most avid game last Friday in Wapeton, the Oompahs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Richards sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Lloyd and Harris jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a kid after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent study by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
"This is the most distraught, ugly, thirsty thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.
Akiko Glotz was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the programmers who was present.
"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one house spouse.
When questioned about his horrible propensity for touching books, Don Irving, the house spouse in question, replied, "I'm glad I touched the book! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.
Police are still trying to decide if touching books is a crime, but attorney Arthur Peterson has volunteered to defend the house spouse if it comes to trial.
An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Several cyclists showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Andrew Davis for the Carrow League said "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with these considerations."
Assemblyman Theodore Carrow, on the other hand, commented "I'm not sure we should actively pursue these considerations."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Chile restricted migration this week in a sulky new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Briant views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
San Francisco University showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a cute idea to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."
A informed man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
"What's the difference between Grozny and Edinborough?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Quincy of Grozny in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lesser supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
An earthquake measuring 3.1 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Innsbruk, 51 miles west of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 7 deaths.
The airport runway was damaged, bothering innumerable citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.
Innumerable stores, including the new Julie's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking lightly around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.
Response to VORTEX: return the radio before it is too late.
A new census by the esteemed Dr. Oscar was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The census focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of hamster violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
"Analyzing the situation airily," a Jasonia lawyer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 58 students of the Xavier High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry llama Organization.
Principal O'Hare boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Nicolas Greene responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I will possibly just jump."
An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Tallahassee Cheetahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Kirk Adams was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Barton.
Adams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 63 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Walter Adams, Adams's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
The inhabitants of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Walter Wright, a high-school teacher, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Snail Lane and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he noted, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, observed "Jasonia desires more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
Jasonia first-graders stole the show at a recent inter-community competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Sarah Maynard answered, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of city growth resulting from this program.
Following this news, proponents met at Barbara's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?