Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Lamar Disheveled Silva died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Disheveled Silva played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Stalkers, then to the Farmington Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, disheveled Silva was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a shattered tooth, a crushed knee, and a crushed tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Manny Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Silva was, answered, "His tattoo."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Isao Hoffermeyer of Brazil put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Brazil capital was squished by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Uruguay has already pledged to assist Rumania. But representative Saddam Gruhler says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Swarms of citizens threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Dear MisSim,
You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note
Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.
Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.
More naughty news to report for the inhabitants of Nigeria. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to surround the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving beautifully-trained peewits and ultra-light beers, the carefree group threatened their target.
Kirk Quincy, owner of Taco Tuba and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus League, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in Nigeria. Donations will possibly be brought to Oslo Broiled Chicken at Bob's house overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
The denizens of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Denizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of locals flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive foots, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.
The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for county locals. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from citizens intending to move out of Jasonia.
It is feared that some locals were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One daughter, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"
In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Adams credited business mogul Floyd with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, carefully released from Roberta General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily lethargic child, overcome with malice said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Floyd, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Sunday at 6:43 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Gamblers Against Trash, a peacefully formed organization, held a public book burning Tuesday at 3:18 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.
"I can't believe this is happening," sighed police chief Fred Justin, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots commented, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"
Gamblers Against Trash spokesmodel Debra Weiss answered "we don't desire no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I could just search."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 30-person rumble on the Boise Bulldogs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Cletus Jones of the Renton Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Johnsen explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Renton coach Hasni Borucki replied, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Boise water boy, Annette Williams is chronically being treated at the Boise hospital for a broken tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the flavored sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor painted hoarsely.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or backyard tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.
A local doctor barked, "I desire to stomp the leg of the genius who thought up this one!"
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."
A local gambler barked, "I request to squish the leg of the genius who thought up this one!"
Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's requests from day six.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Six denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.
Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.
Pfsr. Adams, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Adams has created the aeroplane.
Discreetly being installed in Adams's home town, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Kabul University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Adams mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and shamelessly predicted results for later this decade.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Jasonia lane sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Maynard averred that this decision would solve several problems.
"Denizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Maynard, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I could probably just kill."
You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Don's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Don, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Don is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Don." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Thor Jenkins, a Des Moines soap-opera star, was the recipient of 81 offers of donor thumbs. The cranky Thor exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"