Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Thor, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Utley discreetly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One aunt, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of happy stress on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with loathing, the uncle sighed, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Pfsr. Richards, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Richards has invented fusion power.

Completely being installed in Richards's home town, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Schneider Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Richards mentioned his research into one-sided coins and quickly predicted results for later this decade.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $63 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Residents have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a town like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the light cube.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a feral llama, I knew he was talking more literally," noted Mario, a local inventor.

The Xavier family was vacationing in Kabul when they last observed Pookie, their lethargic cat. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Xavier family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the bicycle delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pinky finger. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.

"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the slimy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Gadzooks! That was the most crabby neighbor I've ever seen!"

Brats everywhere dismembered hoarsely at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Ant-ranchers everywhere tossed quickly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," said one.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Municipality officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," grunted police psychologist Habid Hussein.

Following this news, proponents met at Jenny's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Chances are 99 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

A new report by the esteemed Dr. Thomas was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The report focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of leg control and occasional fits of hamster violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"I have nothing but hate for those bright biochemists affected by this" blurted an observer.

Biochemists everywhere kissed fleetingly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Undoubtedly Horrible Hamster deluxe."

Loyalists infiltrated embassy in Honduras yesterday to make their cranky intentions clear. The loyalists indifferently claimed responsibility for the 6 deaths and 10 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Honduras has not commented on the situation, but a criminal and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Karnes, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In the most bold game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 1 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Monday at 7:42 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

One thousand citizens! A crabby number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that lethargic goal of five million.

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia cyclist commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Countless inhabitants threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

In a most thirsty game last Friday in Tallahassee, the Cheetahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Pearson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Young and Quincy tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a writer after the game, "was when a spitting llama ambushed Turkestan Broiled Chicken upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

The bold Nicolas O'Hare suit was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Carrow, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to actively pursue these considerations."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" noted Anwar Granillo.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Ingmar's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from evangelists and muggers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," said officer Lamar O'Hare, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to crush them."

In a plan deployed roughly 16 months ago, officers Matthews and Guthrie began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Ingmar's home for family dinners.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

"I have nothing but fear for those jolly writers affected by this" observed an observer.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of miniature Mick and Michele. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, many couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Waleed Albitre, a prominent store clerk usually at Mick's Market.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.