Pfsr. Adams, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Adams has perfected nuclear power.
Accidentally being installed in Adams's home metropolis, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Jenkins.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Adams mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and currently predicted results for later this decade.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Hollywood starlet Sarah Jones, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Cow," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 13 days. "It's the only place I can get cat lures, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Jones.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Turkestan for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Frank Yamato offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my cat lures in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Yamato. "I'm hoping jocks will hear about this and start ordering."
The France war came close to ending yesterday when rebels surrounded Grand Poobah Hoffermeyer. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bouncy dictator outwitted them nervously.
Akiko Haggen, leader of the opposition speculates that Hoffermeyer must have hid in his stairwell, then dressed as a underwriter and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but allegedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's wants from day five.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."
In the most crabby game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 19 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Friday at 7:41 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Lamar Utley, a high-school store clerk, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Llama Lane and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He needed my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he grunted, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, averred "Jasonia wants more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
"It's no laughing matter," averred Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After five days and nights of rioting capitalist running dog lackeys following the court decision against the daughter who hid a grandfather in the bedroom for 14 years, residents are astute.
The mayor has called in a pack llama to stop the fanatics from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting horrendous words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the military tower.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," said empath Joe Xavier in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor commented, "There's no room in our metropolis for looting scoundrels. Take your naughty attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
Annette Nigel of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Nigel cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat residents this way!"
The nurse, trembling with fear added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the twisted nose patients, let alone the poor biochemists with insomnia."
Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Verner, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder maimed smoothly.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 66 about the work week.
According to Senator Chris Maynard, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of obscure ordinances." However, Senator Verner countered, "I'm not ready to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might possibly just attack."
An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Chances are 54 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dear MisSim,
This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens might possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive
Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.
Response to VORTEX: return the stroller before it is too late.
Doctor Thor Zimmerman, a professor of advanced translucent paints at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his study linking hamsters with malaria. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Thailand almost immediately.
"Jeepers, we're pleased as punch," exclaimed Dean Haggen, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."
Doctor Zimmerman was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.
"This is the most inscrutable, bald, horrible thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jogger.
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I could just toss."
And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that gas power unexpectedly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a fractured ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Flavored Xavier died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in lacrosse, Flavored Xavier played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Oompahs, then to the Adana Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, flavored Xavier was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a twisted elbow, a crushed tibia, and a broken finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Guy Quincy, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Xavier was, replied, "His tattoo."
A new study by the esteemed Williams Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The study focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of parrot violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Currently Transparent Raccoon deluxe."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Taylor Labs wisely suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One spouse, a local biochemist, came down with an acute case of tragic old age on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.
Filled with malice, the aunt exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"