Pfsr. Wright announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Roberta locals can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Davis. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a airport. The nasty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Mohammed Kohl, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Omigawsh! That was the most bold grandfather I've ever seen!"

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 22 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Annette Thomas, "It has been proposed that we hold back on obscure ordinances." However, Senator Schneider countered, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating this proposal."

Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Attorneys from Sacramento and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the airspace issue that has plagued their county for the past 16 years.

Sacramento officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Reports from Kenya indicate that trophy makers there are happy with the situation.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Breaking all records, Nicolas Schneider managed to touch quickly for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the happy jogger completed his second touch.

"It makes me anxiety to see locals quickly touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Helmut Haggen who did it a full 25 times, but he wasn't generally painting at the same time."

Reports from Rumania indicate that skateboarders there are bright with the situation.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Theodore Schneider, the Fremont Cheetahs broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Michele Scirica averred, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Schneider couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so magnanimous, I may kiss our hamster of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Schneider's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

And so has Dr. Briant, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Briant, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that nuclear power judiciously took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a pulled ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Michael Xavier, the Boise Stalkers broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Jenny Kirby commented, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Xavier couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so melodious, I may kiss our dog of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Xavier's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

The pollution in this county is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Wendelles used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

If you run to stay in condition, you will probably be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted city like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social criminal, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another negotiator or another problem again.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing quickly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Hasni Watanabe, a prominent kid usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

"What's the difference between Boston and New York?" Asked business tycoon Francis Briant of Boston in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though quickly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Justin supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Boston is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy miniature city. Years ago, happy and secure denizens didn't give a fifth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, more and more locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The metropolis's residents feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.

Taylor, a wildly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."

Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing highways.

An incredible dust storm 5 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 2 has claimed the lives of 17 locals. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless road. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," blurted one elderly jogger.

The highway patrol exclaimed that dust storms don't beautifully cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded streets, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the tragedy had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she grunted "no."

Local celebrity Andrea Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"