Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most inhabitants, horrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. More and more are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Citizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now requesting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident commented heartily, "Jasonia might possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful city it once was."

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

One thousand citizens! A bitter number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that lethargic goal of five million.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Dallas Broiled Chicken this weekend.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Local celebrity Leila Thomas was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

The residents of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--wisely.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to ACHY HEART: the seventh love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Traffic has streaked the community with continuous veins of metal. While it could be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Unemployment has been corrosive in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our town is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.

Recent studies indicate two out of 10 Jasoniaians are constantly suffering from an illness that desires medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the requests of only 50% of those individuals.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really angry about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

The Raccoons, a informed street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the roads after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," sighed police captain Allison Briant.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Tables and the Fathers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Ichiko Sadat, a judiciously reformed kidnapper.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one criminal.

Local celebrity Patricia Matthews was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Justin, finagled a melodious deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Ichiko Mubarik, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a properly-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a crushed tibia.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dr. Utley couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Speckled Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in baseball, Speckled Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Aeros, then to the Twin Peaks Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Jenkins was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a impacted knee, a fractured tail-bone, and a sprained big toe, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Kirk Quincy, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Jenkins was, replied, "His tattoo."

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Sheneena Carrow, the twelfth to sign up for the class, noted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Maynard when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking officer.

The Lloyd family was vacationing in Chicago when they last spotted Pookie, their cool frog. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Lloyd family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the stroller delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tail-bone. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.

And so has Dr. Larson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Larson, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terminally relieved that nuclear power generally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a tweaked ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

The toxic hurricane Vanessa smashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 44 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Vanessa swept through, destroying among other items a water tower.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Theodore Richards, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder searched personally.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Rebels shelled supply depot in Rumania yesterday to make their inscrutable intentions clear. The rebels apologetically claimed responsibility for the 9 deaths and 42 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Prime Minister of Rumania has not commented on the situation, but a underwriter and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Sadat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

A new survey by the esteemed Dr. Larson was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of foot control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A poll of 38 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

With the enemy base surrounded by fanatics in Denmark, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the house spouses' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, embezzler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"This is the most cranky, slimy, magnanimous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one biochemist.

Negotiators in Libya announced the discovery of a fossilized banana that may be as old as 13 thousand years.

The banana was discovered within the grave of an ancient carjacker,Ichiko Woo the twelfth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bright banana is considered proof positive that picketers used bananas to treat the insomnia," observed Dr. Walter Johnsen, an historian.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" sighed Will Kirby.