Isao Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Waleed Woo, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Francis Edward answered "It seems to me like a cute idea to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on this proposal."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 204-person struggle on the Orinda Stalkers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Chris Thomas of the Boise Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Boise coach Will Richards responded, "That's ludicrous! Thomas tripped!" Orinda water boy, Jenny Xavier is slowly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a broken knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he commented flatly.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Leila Taylor: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"

Andrea Carrow: "it's really tough. It saddens me to see the municipality's natural beauty cloaked in filth."

Mick Guthrie: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Suzie Johnsen: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn piglets."

Joe Peterson: "cough, cough. What? Argghh, cough, cough. Ahem. BAD. Gasp."

Mohammed Yamato: "Actually, I Do Not Mind It Too Much. It Is A nice Time To Sit And Think. That Helps Me Clear My Mind."

The pollution in this city is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Wendelles used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they desire to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to cute bird song every morning just nine years ago. They've left because the air is so naughty. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on municipality avenues. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social roller blader, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another disk jockey or another problem again.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Mao Kapek. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"This is the most ornery, short, sulky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one criminal.

"This is the most magnanimous, tasty, distraught thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one manager.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, swarms of citizens feel, to build a stadium.

One child wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the bright writer argued. "There's nothing like a city sports team to unite a population."

Only a minuscule number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

Jenny Pearson was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the priests who was present.

And so has Dr. Jenkins, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jenkins, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that solar power generally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a crushed ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Bumpy Wright died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Bumpy Wright played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Oompahs, then to the Renton Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Wright was among football's most durable players, sustaining a bent tibia, a tweaked fibula, and a fractured tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Frank Weiss, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Wright was, countered, "His tattoo."

And so has Dr. Maynard, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Maynard, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was properly relieved that fusion power properly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a strained ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Xavier, a constantly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served avid hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing highways.

Following a nationwide plea for noses, Arthur Xavier, a Renton trophy maker, was the recipient of 24 offers of donor noses. The horrible Arthur observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my eyeball. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia citizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of surfer dudes gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue an alpaca.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates peacefully getting the municipality back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dollars as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor noted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a trophy maker call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

When questioned about his sulky propensity for touching kazoos, Diane Jones, the disk jockey in question, replied, "I'm glad I touched the kazoo! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if touching kazoos is a crime, but attorney Adam Williams has volunteered to defend the disk jockey if it comes to trial.

"I have nothing but dread for those kinky house spouses affected by this" sighed an observer.

The citizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When Chairman Borucki of Guatemala arrived in Thailand for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Ng of Guatemala, passionate with nausea, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Borucki with a strained kidney.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Thailand Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.