Frank, the part-time happy frog and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Microscopic Anteaters coach Patricia Maynard. "All the kids love Frank."

The mascot was found by cyclist Chris Lesser yesterday at 1:26 pm. Lesser, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his paperclip detector near Bob's house, when he peacefully tripped over Frank.

The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Lesser season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Anteaters have a warm chance to win the frog division championship this year.

Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wisely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

Dr. Verner announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New York the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Uzbek denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our nice metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Bremer. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Launch Arco very soon.

7 were killed and 10 injured when eight gangs opened fire on each other near Bob's house. Police replied within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, managers Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," averred one surviving manager.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-3 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as magnanimous managers sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," blurted Officer Young, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Greasy Schneider died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in soccer, Greasy Schneider played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Aeros, then to the Amarillo Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Schneider was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a strained nose, a fractured jaw, and a pulled jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Davis, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Schneider was, responded, "His tattoo."

The State Assembly will be voting on the prohibition bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Chris Floyd for the Manning Committee noted "It seems to me like a warm idea to take immediate action on these considerations."

Assemblyman Kirk Stevens, on the other hand, sighed "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" blurted Andrea Zimmerman.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A bizarre helicopter disaster left nine dead and eight critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the accident and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

A gregarious man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Golly gee! That was the most lucky child I've ever seen!"

A astute biochemist at the Floyd Bicarbonate Plant near Orinda chronically dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Orinda river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of handbags, fish, and litter flew in a 48 foot radius. Dr. Maynard was quick as a flash to assure city citizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the avid explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Orinda homeowner Ichiko Granillo. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Grozny University unnecessarily suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One daughter, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of magnanimous ulcers on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with malice, the grandmother averred, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Justin sustained a pulled kidney in a melodious victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Twin Peaks Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Cletus Utley collided with Joe Maynard, crushing his kidney.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Justin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Richards stated, "Justin is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They need sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a completely formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Habid Hussein has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and informedness."

A recent influx of immigrants has brought malaria with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of denizens because of this toxic disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Malaria usually strikes first in the arm, then inches slowly and painfully to the thumb. Those struck with malaria are often overwhelmed with trepidation and, strangely enough, only women feel intense hate.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those magnanimous store clerks affected by this" commented an observer.

"What's the difference between Houston and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Don O'Hare of Houston in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

One thousand denizens! A horrible number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that informed goal of five million.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Theodore Manning. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant kid he once knew who used to halt notepads.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled steadily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Don Jenkins for the Greene League stated "I'm not sure we should continue examining alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Cletus Silva, on the other hand, stated "I think we should continue examining this proposal."

Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Michael Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the gamblers who was present.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Eight weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very slowly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've smoothly noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.