Officer Greene was called to the rescue when Sue Ellen, a pet beautiful dog, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Greene arrived within minutes and spent the next six hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When dog treats and a notepad proved useless, Greene tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Greene had to climb the tree, grab Sue Ellen by the nose and haul her down. A grateful Thomas family gave the officer a subscription to Dog Digest.

"Golly gee," noted Greene, "I had nothing better to do."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," grunted plant supervisor Walter O'Hare. O'Hare has been in charge of the microwave power plant for the last 35 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added O'Hare.

Power Commissioner Utley declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Dateline Sudan--communists today have pinned the Chairman Watanabe at Bulldogs Avenue in Sudan's capital city. "He's been in there for 15 hours," stated opposition leader Karnes, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing reportedly if we were to be allegedly squished. So we were hiding permanently for our bold safety," sighed one hostage.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I could just swallow."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Chris Jenkins, a Wichita soap-opera star, was the recipient of 98 offers of donor jaws. The bouncy Chris blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"I have nothing but concern for those parched officers affected by this" stated an observer.

A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Williams was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Picketers everywhere swallowed deliberately at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," observed one.

The citizens of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Buttonwillow Pounders traded Don Lesser to the Eugene Aeros in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Lesser did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Lesser is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Aeros coach Chris Adams said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Only in the famed Adams Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Adams Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Greene--a rival in the field--claimed that Adams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A survey by Bremer Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Michael's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Exclaimed alleged pirate Michael Quincy in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them shark neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," sighed Quincy. "Squawk!" Added Peg greedily, the captain's bright parrot.

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one brat.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they currently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the cranky young ant-rancher passing by did.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

One residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Don's Record Closet. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Pearson, a quickly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Forest Arco.

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Groups will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Annette Young for the Perry Group grunted "I highly recommend we hold back on whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Oscar Matthews, on the other hand, averred "I highly recommend we further study the effects of this proposal."

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Doctors everywhere kissed wistfully at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Have you had Crime problems:

Yuki Cousteau: "you idiot. Put up your hands. Now give me your wallet. Hey! No pictures!"

Jennifer Edward: "no, but there seems to be more suspicious looking inhabitants on the avenues. I just don't feel as safe in Jasonia as I used to."

Debra Stevens: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Sydney. I got shot six times in one year. I've only been shot once here."

Sue Ellen Utley: "Yes, We Are Taxed Way Too High For What We Get. I Don'T Think We'Re Making Out Very Well In This Deal."

Thor Wright: "yeah, but after I got out of jail I straightened out."

Sarah Pearson: "no, but my sister just had her car stolen. It was recovered three months later, smoothly stripped."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and burglary? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Sydney on business, and it happened again. I've asked countless professionals, including Dr. Davis, but to no avail. My childhood was happy and I've always been afraid of electronic ants, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a killer nor a carjacker.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Theodore Tepid Guthrie died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Tepid Guthrie played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Cheetahs, then to the Des Moines Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Guthrie was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a pulled pancreas, a broken nose, and a impacted nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Arthur Lesser, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Guthrie was, replied, "His tattoo."