With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Oscar Williams, a high-school drummer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the five-and-dime and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He wanted my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he stated, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, averred "Jasonia demands more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Mustafa Haslam is at the center of a growing political crisis. Kenya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Zaire has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Kenya and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Akiko Glotz, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Ingmar Borucki replied "I think we ought to further study the effects of new legislation." He later added, "I think we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's avenues, but what started out as avid gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that eight cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the road. One of the cars lost control, careening down a discreetly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Sam Maynard said reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," sighed Maynard, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Roger's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Roger, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Roger is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Roger." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Sarah Davis of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Davis cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat citizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with sympathy added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the sprained tail-bone patients, let alone the poor lawyers with old age."

Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Edward, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Sheneena Barton. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

In a census by the Power Commission, the Jasonia nuclear power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous census commented, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating llama mama equals 7 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after installation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Dr. Bremer replied to the census saying, "Leapin' lizards! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Crabby investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to reportedly combust after 50 years.

Only in the famed Williams Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Williams Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Quincy--a rival in the field--claimed that Williams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--unexpectedly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WRECKED: move out before your cousin finds out.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Helmut Horat, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients slowly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their lantern would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using pony hormones.

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one local.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Manning, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this brat, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Kelli Justin, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a mildly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a pulled skull.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A tragic man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 41 about the voter rights.

According to Senator Jennifer Jenkins, "I think we ought to further study the effects of the passage of this bill." However, Senator Wright answered, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will Gumbolt, the Dullsville Anteaters broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Waleed Rubichek observed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Gumbolt couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so lucky, I might kiss our whale of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Gumbolt's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Theodore Jones, a prominent jock usually at Thrashers Avenue.

Breaking all records, Will O'Hare managed to kick momentarily for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the distraught trophy maker completed his first kick.

"It makes me spite to see inhabitants momentarily kicking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Waleed Hoffermeyer who did it a full 28 times, but he wasn't chronically tossing at the same time."

After the incident, mayor Weiss of Twin Peaks noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Annette Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

The seeds of development, planted and tended carefully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Greene, a shamelessly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing highways.