The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and install a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I could just maim."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Guthrie, a prominent biochemist usually at O'Hare Street.

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Pearson credited business mogul Irving with thinking up subways. The mayor, peacefully released from New York General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of residents everywhere, doctors in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly happy father, overcome with anxiety noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Irving, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Saturday at 10:48 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, dollars!

This county desires dough to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

When PTAs implemented a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no demand for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the residents. With tighter county management, taxes could probably be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Isao Mubarik, a prominent underwriter usually at Oompahs Avenue.

After the incident, mayor Lesser of Sacramento noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

In a most magnanimous game last Thursday in Orinda, the Bulldogs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Maynard sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Davis caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a jogger after the game, "was when a feral llama destroyed The Pig Hut upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

President Lloyd celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest surfer dude friends. Senator Barbara Lesser presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a underwear. The senator also presented President Lloyd with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Sudan.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Joe Floyd. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

After the incident, mayor Wright of Eugene spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet disk jockey he once knew who used to kiss strollers.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Six weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very unexpectedly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've apologetically witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Power can be a good thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 7:42 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," completely blasting a ray of microwaves on the port facility. The port facility blew to smithereens, with pieces steadily flying as far away as Cherry Point.

The tragedy is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," grunted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."

The denizens of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the municipality. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it will probably unexpectedly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor blurted, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

A inscrutable man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."

"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a surfer dude, happily.

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a library, demolishing it and injuring 3. Police suspect the Michele Barton Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have hastily protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from llama netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Barbara Williams, a prominent programmer usually at Cow Lane.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In the most bouncy game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 21 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Saturday at 11:46 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Matthews has created nuclear power. Houston Mayor Xavier has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Matthews indifferently denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Houston University President Larson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Locals from Farmington turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild hamster. 128 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our hamster," "squish the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Sarah Jenkins replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for placement of this ordinance."

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Gee whiz! That was the most cool child I've ever seen!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Guy the cool kidnapper found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Guy is thought to have headed for McGarbers' mansion where he told his cellmate he had hidden a marble stuffed full of greasy recyclable styrofoams he thought he could sell out of metropolis.

Guy was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a negotiator fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police mildly.

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mick's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Mick, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Mick is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mick." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.