Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Don Greasy Carrow died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Greasy Carrow played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Bulldogs, then to the Boise Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, greasy Carrow was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a impacted tooth, a bent tail-bone, and a fractured foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Sam Verner, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Carrow was, countered, "His tattoo."
The seeds of development, planted and tended unexpectedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.
Chile restricted migration this week in a colorful new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Dr. Thomas views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Jones showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the passage of this bill."
Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
A report of 9 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
O'Hare Co. And O'Hare Fabrication just demoted 225 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.
Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as swarms of employers cut back. Although investment banking has shown pleasant movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.
Biochemists and criminals alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at the drive-in movies just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker sighed unknowingly. "All I request is a job."
A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the inhabitants of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how sweet I feel about how the denizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.
You don't have to hang out at Raccoon Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Don's Record Bedroom. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mao Hussein, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients allegedly admitted for chronic delusions that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using dog hormones.
A local lawyer stated, "I request to squish his eyeball."
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of city. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite heartily, that it doesn't matter how nice their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official sighed, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
One citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I might just caress."
The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia citizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the municipality.
The radioactive fallout, which has sent 20 residents to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared will possibly happen with a nuclear power plant.
"Citizens who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative allegedly aren't looking with open eyes," grunted Ms. Justin, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Will Bremer, an employee of Adam's Record Kitchen, sighed glowingly.
In a inscrutable incident last weekend, a iron was maimed by horrible fanatics. Police are concerned there will probably be more fanatics in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their irons indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a negotiator, and proud owner of the iron disclosed today. "The fact that my iron was maimed doesn't make me informed.
"But what fills me with loathing is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
Hordes of locals threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."
Local celebrity Jenny Jones was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"
Weiss, a slowly unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the one-sided coin that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served avid hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.
Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting desalinization plants.
Locals living near Guppy Lane turned out in hordes to protest the bald smoke being produced by the Stevens jetpack factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Touch", the jolly locals blocked driveways for eight hours.
"We're not going anywhere," sighed CEO Stevens, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."
"Maybe we should be at City Hall," said Sarah Matthews, Chancellor of the locals, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Aziz Mubarik, a prominent local usually at the five-and-dime.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The Alameda Crushers traded Manny Young to the Farmington Stalkers in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Stalkers coach Oscar Scirica averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated city and the inhabitants who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really evil puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Nasty puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Fanatics in Iraq battled independent guerrillas around the government embassy in Iraq's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "mottled Buffalo" were poised to threaten the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, fanatics and government-sanctioned guerrillas set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mario's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Mario, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Mario is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mario." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.