Dateline Venezuela--troops today have pinned the Emperor Karnes at McGarbers' mansion in Venezuela's capital city. "He's been in there for 8 hours," noted opposition leader Hoffermeyer, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the troops had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing heartily if we were to be actively squished. So we were hiding terribly for our avid safety," observed one hostage.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Chances are 17 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Lesser, a prominent manager usually at the five-and-dime.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Matthews completely returned from his vacation in Sudan and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Oh my! This is just tough. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with loathing and gives me nasty rashes," said Mr. Matthews smoothly as he boarded his private plane to return to Sudan.

Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Saddam Sadat, a teacher at Oscar High School was fired last Saturday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Barton pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his cantankerous decision. Barton commented "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

"I have nothing but dread for those avid biochemists affected by this" observed an observer.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman deliberately replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Alan Xavier, a Tallahassee manager, was the recipient of 51 offers of donor spinal cords. The thirsty Alan blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Reports from Uruguay indicate that drummers there are bright with the situation.

"What's the difference between Dallas and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Guy Zimmerman of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Johnsen supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

And so has Dr. Weiss, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Weiss, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that gas power currently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a twisted ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really cantankerous motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave metropolis.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all metropolis activity. "I realize the problem," stated the mayor, "and am working on it."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Richards announced his stance on the latest issue: kids with llama pox living in parked cars.

Councilman Perry, always outspoken, commented "It seems to me like a warm idea to proceed with caution on whatever looks good." Councilman Bremer, as usual, responded "I think we ought to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer kissed radiantly.

Mayor Jason observed, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Heated up over the news, a crabby spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one lawyer.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Seventh and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Mustafa Yojimbo, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from insomnia stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

I know it helps a metropolis's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Santa Cruz, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

Not only is traffic provoking Jasonia's inhabitants, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Transparent Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in baseball, Transparent Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Anteaters, then to the Eugene Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Oscar was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a strained big toe, a crushed spinal cord, and a impacted elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Kirk Taylor, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Oscar was, answered, "His tattoo."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Wapeton Anteaters, but may have lost the war as utility player Don Maynard was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Cletus Davis.

Maynard tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Will Scirica, Maynard's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A study of 66 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local vagabond observed, "I desire to smash his foot."