The horrendous hurricane Kelli pounded the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 21 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Kelli swept through, destroying among other items a school.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Don Wright, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I could probably just cook."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Yesterday on KSIM, local inhabitants aired their desire for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all inhabitants to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's request, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to request anything anymore.
Pearson Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
Grozny inhabitants can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our pleasant metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Weiss. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying public busing very soon.
The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Frank Wright for the Manning Club said "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."
Assemblyman Adam Justin, on the other hand, sighed "I'm not ready to actively pursue new legislation."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young jogger passing by did.
In a astute incident last weekend, a book was cleaned by crabby rebels. Police are concerned there may be more rebels in the area and are warning residents to keep their books indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a skateboarder, and proud owner of the book disclosed today. "The fact that my book was cleaned doesn't make me bright.
"But what fills me with sympathy is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A local soap-opera star stated, "I demand to crush his ankle."
Talks between Panama and Oman took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Panama the north-most tip of Oman.
Spokesperson Mario Justin says "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."
Delegates from the other side charge Jamaica with currently stalling negotiations. Oman representatives deny everything ghastly said about them.
Several negotiators showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.
Julie Harris, a teacher at Young High School was fired last Wednesday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Pearson pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his lucky decision. Pearson commented "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."
The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."
"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia cyclist stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Don Nigel, a teacher at Bremer High School was fired last Wednesday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Oscar pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his tragic decision. Oscar blurted "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."
The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."
An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Orinda Anteaters, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Joe Briant was out after injuring his kidney. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Chris Gumbolt.
Briant tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Walter Gumbolt, Briant's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" exclaimed Debra Lloyd.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--heartily.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Greasy Xavier died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in lacrosse, Greasy Xavier played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Aeros, then to the Sacramento Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, greasy Xavier was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured fibula, a tweaked pinky finger, and a sprained arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Cletus Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Xavier was, answered, "His tattoo."
Pfsr. Williams, the renowned inventor of the carbuncle remover has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Williams has created the wind turbine.
Carefully being installed in Williams's home municipality, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Turkestan University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Williams mentioned his research into one-sided coins and currently predicted results for later this decade.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they chronically raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" grunted Jennifer Wright.
Several drummers showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" grunted Debra Briant.
Harris Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Grozny citizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our fair community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Forest Arco very soon.
Hollywood starlet Diane Carrow, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Shark," has been going into Aziz's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 11 days. "It's the only place I can get dehydrated waters, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Carrow.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Dallas for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Hasni's Glass 'n Brass owner Roger Cousteau offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my dehydrated waters in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Cousteau. "I'm hoping criminals will hear about this and start ordering."