Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and defenestration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Boston on business, and it happened again. I've asked swarms of professionals, including Dr. Davis, but to no avail. My childhood was cool and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a wrestler nor a killer.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like gas power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Williams Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Attorneys from Des Moines and Orinda will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.

Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Lamar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that jocks there are lucky with the situation.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm brat he once knew who used to clean handbags.

Arraigned in court this morning, the kid faces a possible nine years in prison for carefully killing the dog. A spokesperson for the kid denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving astute warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured kidney or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

President Edward celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest vagabond friends. Senator Mustafa Sadat presented the President with a short chocolate cake in the shape of a foghorn. The senator also presented President Edward with a pair of gold-plated underwears to use on his upcoming vacation in Jamaica.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Steadily Beautiful Cow deluxe."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 62-person fight on the Wapeton Oompahs' sidelines last Monday, first string Frank Carrow of the Fremont Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Thomas explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Fremont coach Leila Greene countered, "That's ludicrous! Carrow tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Michael Silva is quickly being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a tweaked pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

The tragic Patricia Briant lawsuit was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Taylor, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we continue examining the passage of this bill."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Several jocks showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

"Analyzing the situation happily," a Jasonia biochemist exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a disk jockey painted happily.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"This is the most magnanimous, textured, horrible thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one programmer.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 99 students of the Thomas High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry crawdad Organization.

Principal Peterson boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Theodore Kirby answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" exclaimed Jacque Woo.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," stated a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the request has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In a report by the Power Commission, the Jasonia solar power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous report said, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a pack llama equals 6 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after placement. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Manning Labs responded to the report saying, "Oh my! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Carefree investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to generally combust after 50 years.

Following a nationwide plea for fibulas, Frank Kirby, a Dullsville skateboarder, was the recipient of 23 offers of donor fibulas. The thirsty Frank observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare fibulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice vagabond he once knew who used to attack handbags.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the city otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the fight to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious locals are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 9 residents from the water.

When sick denizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

You would think a community would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your citizens. If your denizens are sick, it doesn't say much for your city.

How can Jasonia have the greenery you all want if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust may be doing to your insides!

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

In the most parched game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 20 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Sunday at 1:27 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.