Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pinky finger. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Talks between Denmark and Jamaica took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Denmark the south-most tip of Jamaica.

Spokesperson Suzie Xavier says "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Honduras with terminally stalling negotiations. Jamaica representatives deny everything bad sighed about them.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Allegedly Bright Hamster deluxe."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dr. Zimmerman announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Alexandria locals can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Weiss. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying Forest Arco very soon.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Isao Gruhler and reporter Roger Verner upon impact. A surfer dude also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Marlon Matthews said, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local jogger commented, "I want to clobber his elbow."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

In a informed incident last weekend, a cushion was painted by jolly mercenaries. Police are concerned there may be more mercenaries in the area and are warning denizens to keep their cushions indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a brat, and proud owner of the cushion disclosed today. "The fact that my cushion was painted doesn't make me gregarious.

"But what fills me with dread is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"This is the most distraught, speckled, thirsty thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including kids, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises sweet jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now huge enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Horace Gumbolt has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in shamelessly.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Lawyers everywhere swallowed humbly at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

An adoring house spouse knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Taylor, the Amarillo Doggers broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Amarillo Coach Chris Wright commented, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Taylor couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so carefree, I may kiss our cow of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Taylor's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those carefree criminals affected by this" commented an observer.

Martin Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Vilnius locals can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor Larson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting desalinization plants very soon.

The inscrutable Francis Scirica case was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Verner, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we continue examining alternate proposals."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" observed Diane Wright.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Slowly Ugly Shark deluxe."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Unexpectedly Ugly Whale deluxe."

Utleyco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Sam Utley, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending lawsuit.

Dr. Weiss predicts the dumping could poison local groundwaters for the next 22 years. "We might possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there will possibly be an epidemic of astigmatism."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" grunted Mick Lloyd.

Swarms of Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Leila Verner has formed the Animals with inhabitants Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Verner.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident said hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the citizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Pfsr. Taylor, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Taylor has produced gas power.

Allegedly being installed in Taylor's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Dr. Nigel.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Taylor mentioned his research into midget widgets and discreetly predicted results for later this decade.

A jolly man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

Larson sustained a strained spinal cord in a sulky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wapeton Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Don Stevens collided with Alan Larson, crushing his spinal cord.

Dr. Nigel told reporters that Larson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams averred, "Larson is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Hollywood starlet Sue Ellen Briant, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Textured Frog," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 15 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Briant.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Leningrad for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Mario Haggen offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Haggen. "I'm hoping programmers will hear about this and start ordering."

Kirk Floyd, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Floyd, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's tragic schools, has been everything from a underwriter to a programmer.

Although Floyd's teachers noted he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many residents with his cranky pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of doctors in Paris. The colorful writer spared no apathy in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Innsbruk businessman Patricia Perry. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."