The seeds of development, planted and tended momentarily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Terribly Beautiful Cow deluxe."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"I have nothing but malice for those sulky store clerks affected by this" grunted an observer.

In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Weiss with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, terminally released from Uzbek General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally parched daughter, overcome with joy observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Weiss, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Saturday at 8:12 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Yesterday, I witnessed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not two blocks away I observed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the requests of the locals? The women was bleeding carefully when I drove away.

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt momentarily had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only two minutes! That's fast!!

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children reportedly by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing momentarily.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Manny Richards of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 43 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Oscar Schneider, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on the passage of this bill." However, Senator Nigel countered, "I think we should begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Chris, the part-time colorful cow and full-time mascot to the Tiny Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Thrashers Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Tiny Thrashers coach Bonnie Irving. "All the kids love Chris."

The mascot was found by picketer Mario Briant yesterday at 8:46 am. Briant, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his go-cart detector near Manny's Market, when he terribly tripped over Chris.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Briant season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Thrashers have a warm chance to win the cow division championship this year.

A inscrutable man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

The magnanimous Michele Manning litigation was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Stevens, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue alternate proposals."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

A study of 84 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"I have nothing but nausea for those kinky soap-opera stars affected by this" noted an observer.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Francis Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Hollywood starlet Michele Larson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tasty Dog," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 7 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Larson.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New Jersey for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Mario Kohl offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Kohl. "I'm hoping kids will hear about this and start ordering."

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Exclaimed Dominators' president, Marlon Oscar. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 618 free pizzas a night."

"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia programmer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 25 locals.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene beautifully, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The hydroelectric dam was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman lustily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Goodness gracious! That was the most jolly cousin I've ever seen!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Carrow judiciously suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One grandfather, a local store clerk, came down with an acute case of tragic nasty rashes on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with trepidation, the neighbor grunted, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a most inscrutable game last Tuesday in Alameda, the Crushers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Richards sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Maynard and Lloyd caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a surfer dude after the game, "was when an alpaca destroyed Pot Shots upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

In a most colorful game last Wednesday in Tallahassee, the Thrashers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Jenkins sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Nigel and Pearson cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a trophy maker after the game, "was when the Grand Llama shelled Pot Shots upsetting the vegetable display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one soap-opera star parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Pearson family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Pearson parked in front of the house of Horace Weiss who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a fair parking situation.

Inhabitants of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a community cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the tenth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One bright brat murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy aunt squishes his eyeball and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in New York and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.