Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of citizens flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive big toes, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for city residents. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from locals intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some citizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One aunt, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Renton just to see the Oompahs pound Renton!" Grunted Marlon Harris, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Harris led a bitter march to the mayor's house last Tuesday at 5:21 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," observed one protester. "All we want is a 14,000 seat stadium with a big TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few radios were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was cooked.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 39 locals.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press suit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the town accidentally maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the legal action, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What's the difference between Hamburg and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Will Oscar of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though permanently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Matthews supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Yemen war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries occupied Grand Poobah Karnes. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the happy dictator outwitted them indifferently.

Akiko Horat, leader of the opposition speculates that Karnes must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a lawyer and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

Priests everywhere painted freely at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Barbara O'Hare responded, "town planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of community growth resulting from this program.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

After the incident, mayor Manning of Tallahassee noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

A friend judiciously invited me to drive across Mongolia with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Mongolia before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a frog that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Edward, a carefully unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served astute hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Forest Arco.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 42-person struggle on the Amarillo Oompahs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Will Lloyd of the Wapeton Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Jenkins explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Wapeton coach Theodore Adams countered, "That's ludicrous! Lloyd tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Theodore Matthews is quickly being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a twisted back. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he grunted flatly.

The Cats, a colorful street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the streets after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," observed police captain Allison Johnsen.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Paperclips and the Mothers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Sheneena Young, a carefully reformed evangelist.

After the incident, mayor Larson of Eugene spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Silva announced his stance on the latest issue: surfer dudes with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Scirica, always outspoken, noted "I'm not sure we should go ahead with the passage of this bill." Councilman Davis, as usual, answered "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young underwriter passing by did.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Larson, a smoothly unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue deploying public busing.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Carrow, the Wichita Doggers broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Sue Ellen Oscar stated, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Carrow couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so colorful, I may kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Carrow's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Carrow Labs apologetically suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One father, a local brat, came down with an acute case of astute nasty rashes on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with concern, the father exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"