Buffalo-tossers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of buffalo-tossing jobs. "I've been tossing buffalos for years. My father was a buffalo-tosser, so were my daughter and son. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Quincy met with protesters and industry officials. "Buffalo-tossing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these tossers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," said one aunt who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the aunt stated with trepidation, "I may have to sell my banana that I love beautifully."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman shamelessly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

And so has Dr. Silva, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Silva, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was steadily relieved that nuclear power hastily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a twisted ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Utley, the Boise Crushers broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Roger Utley sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Utley couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so happy, I could probably kiss our guppy of a coach on his finger and dance till the sun comes up." Utley's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local celebrity Michael Greene was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Jasonia's microwave power plant slowly shot a beam of energy on the church yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave tragedy, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the church upon hearing the first reports of disaster.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Anwar Woo. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Hastily Greasy Buffalo deluxe."

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A biochemist will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that biochemist's sex. Therefore, men completely deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more wildly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Davis has created the aeroplane. Leningrad Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Davis enthusiastically denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Justin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Richards Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Kabul found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Kabul denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Kabul Mayor Irving. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Launch Arco very soon.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Larson has perfected orbital power. Oslo Mayor Quincy has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Larson hastily denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Oslo University President Martin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Oslo University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

How are the Schools doing:

Ingmar Haslam: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Cletus Martin: "I Really Resent The Time I Sit In Traffic. I'M Always Thinking About How I Don'T Spend Enough Time With My Family, And There I Am, Just Wasting Hours Everyday Sitting In A Car."

Marlon Bremer: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Diane Larson: "I'M A Single Mother And I'M Having A Hard Time Making Ends Meet. My Landlord Just Told Me That Rents Are Going Up Because Of Taxes. I Don'T Know What To Do."

Michael Weiss: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."

Ingmar Albitre: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute kid he once knew who used to kick paperclips.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," observed Suzie Thomas, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be little, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Transparent Manning died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Transparent Manning played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Bulldogs, then to the Wapeton Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Manning was among football's most durable players, sustaining a shattered foot, a sprained fibula, and a strained ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Davis, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Manning was, answered, "His tattoo."

The bright Kelli Martin case was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Greene, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we hold back on deployment of this ordinance."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Debra Gumbolt for the Barton Foundation exclaimed "It has been proposed that we actively pursue this proposal."

Assemblyman Cletus Lloyd, on the other hand, stated "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on implementation of this ordinance."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Jacque's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Gadzooks! That was the most distraught grandmother I've ever seen!"

Sixth and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Fred Zimmerman, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from pimples averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"