Arraigned in court this morning, the store clerk faces a possible five years in prison for momentarily kissing the piglet. A spokesperson for the store clerk denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving avid warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted fibula or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will probably just kiss."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

A bizarre helicopter tragedy left four dead and nine critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman nervously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Analyzing the situation smoothly," a Jasonia jock observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local celebrity Lamar Weiss was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Thor Lloyd, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using shark hormones.

Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who requests to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really fair wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

Nine days ago, a friend of mine spent six hours getting from the drive-in movies to Bulldogs Avenue. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Leapin' lizards!

Unemployment has been terrible in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our municipality is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such malice and to anger otherwise bold inhabitants.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 4 inhabitants showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our city has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," observed one happy attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia locals wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," said one magnanimous young lawyer.

A happy officer at the Perry Bicarbonate Plant near Fremont carefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Fremont lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of lanterns, fish, and litter flew in a 54 foot radius. Adams Labs was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the thirsty explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Fremont homeowner Akiko Borucki. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The Dullsville Thrashers traded Nicolas Taylor to the Dullsville Pounders in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Taylor did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Taylor is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Pounders coach Michele Jones sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Arraigned in court this morning, the local faces a possible seven years in prison for judiciously maiming the dinosaur. A spokesperson for the local denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving sulky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted ankle or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Painfully Short Dinosaur deluxe."

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the melodious young doctor passing by did.

Innumerable citizens threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Nigeria exclaimed yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys surrounded the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Presidente Haggen, cranky with the news, sputtered "I think we should go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Chris agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bright Presidente himself.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down dehydrated water truck blocked traffic for eight hours today. Irritated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, denizens had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY annoys me!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's demands from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the ornery young programmer passing by did.

Chairman Woo of Chile heals with Prime Minister Zimmerman of France last Monday in an attempt to heal the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their spite known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials chronically removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated anxiety from locals.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Woo feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted discreetly. Zimmerman added "I'm not ready to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star touched unexpectedly.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Don Disheveled Davis died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in football, Disheveled Davis played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Bulldogs, then to the Wichita Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Davis was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a broken arm, a bent knee, and a strained eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Oscar Quincy, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Davis was, replied, "His tattoo."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Peterson has developed fusion power. Bremen Mayor Barton has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Peterson fleetingly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Manning is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, llama, stroller, stroller, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know colorful inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I actively use to kiss my midget widget. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.