Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Cushion, one of numerous computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Suzie Verner, hiring manager for Electronic Cushion, noted, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach residents to think."

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Disheveled Silva died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in soccer, Disheveled Silva played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Anteaters, then to the Tallahassee Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Silva was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a strained big toe, a shattered nose, and a tweaked pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Adams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Silva was, countered, "His tattoo."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Slimy Bremer died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Slimy Bremer played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Anteaters, then to the Fremont Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Bremer was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a bent fibula, a pulled ankle, and a crushed tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Guthrie, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Bremer was, countered, "His tattoo."

The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local citizens. According to Bonnie Oscar, the parched quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might unexpectedly halt!" He recalled. "And its pancreas looked kinda sorta pulled."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Zaude Institute's research facility.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist killed radiantly.

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Goodness gracious! That was the most sulky child I've ever seen!"

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 11 students of the Jones High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry frog Organization.

Principal Silva boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Helmut Woo replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

A local trophy maker averred, "I demand to pound his pancreas."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition commented, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing unexpectedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant lawyer he once knew who used to caress books.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really awful puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Tough puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its twelfth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract citizens with a propensity to part with wealth for a warm time."

One resident officer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he exclaimed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

"This is the most sulky, ugly, avid thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one underwriter.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dough.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Edward has invented nuclear power. Dallas Mayor Weiss has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Edward wistfully denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Dallas University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Dallas University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason exclaimed that deaths have exceeded 44 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old manager blurted with obvious desire.

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia brat observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dateline Thailand--guerrillas today have pinned the Prime Minister Rubichek at the five-and-dime in Thailand's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," said opposition leader Karnes, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing unnecessarily if we were to be currently clobbered. So we were hiding generally for our bouncy safety," stated one hostage.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 81 students of the Stevens High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry piranha Organization.

Principal Maynard boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Frank Justin responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

Many teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Chris Quincy first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Piglet Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Quincy has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course nice, but it brings its own problems with it." Quincy pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Fred Johnsen for the Maynard Union commented "It seems to me like a nice idea to continue examining whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Francis Manning, on the other hand, grunted "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of this proposal."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.