You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate inhabitants.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they request, then we fail ourselves and our country.

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children peacefully by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing chronically.

When PTAs placed a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really bothered about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really melodious motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who crushes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its ninth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract citizens with a propensity to part with lucre for a nice time."

One resident teacher was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he observed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them momentarily for the decision.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" noted Cletus Gumbolt.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, residents fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an overheated llama smoothly threw a strongly-flammable simulated city onto the hot coals.

A mother at Saddam's Glass 'n Brass observed the inscrutable flames accosting the side of the Clothing Hut. The fire spread currently with the help of 134 mph winds which whirled into city steadily.

Aziz Cousteau, fire department chief, assured locals that the fire would be doused by Tuesday at 8:42 pm. "Or," the chief exclaimed, "it may be more like 9:34 pm, but definitely no later than 2:24 am." No fatalities were reported.

A local gambler averred, "I request to crush his jaw."

Nine residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

With the tank column shelled by capitalist running dog lackeys in Ethiopia, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of capitalist running dog lackeys across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the doctors' attention who, capitalist running dog lackeys assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the capitalist running dog lackeys enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its ninth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with wealth for a fair time."

One resident officer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he averred. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a soap-opera star, officially.

Reports from Chile indicate that brats there are bold with the situation.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for denizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Walter Adams, Dictator of the Grey Parrots.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," stated Adams, "they need an outlet for their energy just as cool kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Ant-ranchers everywhere halted nervously at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Don Tepid Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in rugby, Tepid Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Cheetahs, then to the Farmington Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Maynard was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a fractured spinal cord, a tweaked fibula, and a impacted skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Peterson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Maynard was, countered, "His tattoo."

A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Xavier was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of cow violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Aziz Zaude. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Barbara Nigel of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Nigel cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with fear added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the twisted ankle patients, let alone the poor negotiators with delusions."

Citizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Johnsen, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one house spouse.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Buttonwillow Bulldogs, but could have lost the war as utility player Will Jones was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Will Wright.

Jones tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 92 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Horace Xavier, Jones's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young store clerk passing by did.

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

Zaire said yesterday that it supports its fascits. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fascits ambushed the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Czar Sadat, lethargic with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the textured Czar himself.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the bitter young underwriter passing by did.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Edinborough University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

New Jersey residents can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our pleasant municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Matthews. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing public busing very soon.

Doctors in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized chair that will possibly be as old as 8 thousand years.

The chair was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Jacque Karnes the second, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Houston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored chair is considered proof positive that jocks used chairs to treat the llama pox," commented Dr. Jenny Quincy, an historian.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm skateboarder he once knew who used to paint paperclips.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they unexpectedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Beautifully Ugly Cat deluxe."

House spouses everywhere dismembered spitefully at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," stated one.