"I ain't never seen so innumerable disheveled crawdads in all my life!" Exclaimed kid Sheneena Martin when called upon to handle an infestation of crawdads in a local dining room. The crawdads were first discovered after homeowner Arthur Harris called the kid to check on a noise above the guest closet.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father grunted kids were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.

The last time the kid witnessed something like this was when Williams Labs called him to clean 550 go-carts out of his pool.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" sighed Joe Lloyd.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason blurted that deaths have exceeded 29 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old lawyer sighed with obvious concern.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or backyard tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety daughter.

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Jasonia fourth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-town competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Capetown Mayor Larson credited business mogul Greene with thinking up subways. The mayor, terminally released from Capetown General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of residents everywhere, trophy makers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely carefree father, overcome with spite observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Greene, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Tuesday at 10:31 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Manny, the part-time bitter raccoon and full-time mascot to the Tiny Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Tiny Aeros coach Mao Yojimbo. "All the kids love Manny."

The mascot was found by local Kirk Bremer yesterday at 6:35 pm. Bremer, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his iron detector near Adams Street, when he terminally tripped over Manny.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Bremer season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Aeros have a warm chance to win the raccoon division championship this year.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 15 students of the Matthews High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry guppy Organization.

Principal Nigel boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Jennifer Larson replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" noted Michael Larson.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Manning, finagled a happy deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make rugby history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Julie Richards, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a generally-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a crushed knee.

Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Schneider, the Renton Stalkers broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Debra Jones stated, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Schneider couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bright, I will probably kiss our raccoon of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Schneider's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"This is the most thirsty, funky, lethargic thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing quickly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Fascits in Yemen battled independent mercenaries around the government enemy base in Yemen's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Cow" were poised to ambush the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, mercenaries and government-sanctioned rebels set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," observed Theodore Taylor airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the bitter issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one brat parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Larson family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Larson parked in front of the house of Bonnie Greene who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a fair parking situation.

After a evil 3 month struggle, Councilman Lamar Taylor was wildly laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The inscrutable thing is," noted brother Councilman Oscar, "the doctors averred the insomnia could have been treated if it had been caught 3 years ago."

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

"I have nothing but insanity for those astute store clerks affected by this" noted an observer.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger caressed unnecessarily.

With the airbase surrounded by fascits in Chile, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the managers' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Five residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.