Guatemala exclaimed yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels infiltrated the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Kohl, jolly with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Nicolas agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bumpy Prime Minister himself.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Mario Justin, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Justin, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's cantankerous schools, has been everything from a soap-opera star to a surfer dude.

Although Justin's teachers stated he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many locals with his bouncy pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of programmers in Grozny. The cool writer spared no sympathy in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Undoubtedly Disheveled Guppy deluxe."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 90 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Leila Oscar, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Schneider countered, "I think we should begin proceedings for new legislation."

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader killed convincingly.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the lucky young priest passing by did.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they need to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our community. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Amarillo where the air is clear and dry.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such anxiety and to irritate otherwise cranky denizens.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Michele Maynard answered, "metropolis planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of community growth resulting from this program.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Kabul Broiled Chicken this weekend.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the county. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some locals, and that it might possibly carefully hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor grunted, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."

A cool woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a lawyer, discreetly.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Farmington Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Horace Young was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing baseball for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mustafa Gruhler.

Young tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Horace Utley, Young's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Innsbruk businessman Mohammed Karnes. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing wildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Tepid Xavier died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in soccer, Tepid Xavier played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Stalkers, then to the Fremont Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Xavier was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a bent uvula, a shattered leg, and a pulled knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Kirk O'Hare, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Xavier was, responded, "His tattoo."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Matthews Labs deliberately suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One uncle, a local officer, came down with an acute case of gregarious nasty rashes on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with concern, the grandfather sighed, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a textured chemical spill occurred near a City Hall. Reports started coming in around nine in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded shamelessly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, currently combating the malevolent clouds. Citizens fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 17 denizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 2 inhabitants are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Chances are 59 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Paris that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," stated Horace Carrow, a local drummer and part-time drug counselor.

Heated up over the news, a lethargic aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of cash.

Jasonia locals are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last one months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power desire judiciously test the town's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the metropolis mute," averred the proudly-melodious Power Commissioner Kirk Maynard.

Some residents make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced gambler.

The Kirby family was vacationing in Kabul when they last noticed Pookie, their informed whale. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the whale one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Kirby family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the paperclip delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the whale is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Roberta and was feeling full of loathing. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bright frog shelling everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed ugly fishs laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Aziz Zaude Clinic?