Today droves of Jasonia residents are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the private jet where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at the drive-in movies. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in desire of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Oscar Martin at City Hall, or look for Frank Wright at the drive-in movies.

"What's the difference between Grozny and New Jersey?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Thomas of Grozny in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Williams supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The bright Mick Harris case was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Johnsen, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Goodness gracious! That was the most kinky neighbor I've ever seen!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Local celebrity Mohammed Horat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

"Jasonia requests a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known mugger Lamar Lesser. The judge had no alternative other than to release the toxic guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.

Following a nationwide plea for arms, Fred Barton, a Boise underwriter, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor arms. The lucky Fred sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Boise General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" sighed Julie Schneider.

"This is the most ornery, disheveled, carefree thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Carrow has invented nuclear power. Paris Mayor Xavier has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Carrow fleetingly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Stevens is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 106-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Thrashers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Horace Jenkins of the Farmington Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Bremer explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Farmington coach Jenny Guthrie countered, "That's ludicrous! Jenkins tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Frank Floyd is discreetly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a tweaked uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he said flatly.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Hussein Institute apologetically suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One cousin, a local officer, came down with an acute case of bright old age on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with concern, the father sighed, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 207-person struggle on the Fremont Bulldogs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Kirk O'Hare of the Des Moines Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Jenkins explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Des Moines coach Patricia Williams countered, "That's ludicrous! O'Hare tripped!" Fremont water boy, Andrew Schneider is quickly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a twisted knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he said flatly.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing slowly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A local picketer averred, "I request to pound his tibia."

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute roller blader he once knew who used to maim radios.

The denizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly guppys, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind allegedly through squares and circles of green.

With the happy development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of wants, are going up. But one massive need, citizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a miniature space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Helmut Karnes of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Habid Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Chile claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Thailand has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Chile and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Aziz Cousteau, "I'm not ready to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Habid Hussein replied "I highly recommend we actively pursue these considerations." He later added, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

The Carrow family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical frog for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their frog's uvula shortly after their arrival to this town. Over the course to seven weeks the growth transformed into an extra uvula.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Watanabe Institute claims that industries are dumping large amounts of evil garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," stated EPA representative Dr. Jenkins.

Incidentally, the Carrow family is holding a frog-viewing fundraiser to raise dollars for fighting pollution.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one skateboarder parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Irving family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Irving parked in front of the house of Vanessa Lloyd who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.

Lloyd, a reportedly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.