Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a museum, demolishing it and injuring 12. Police suspect the Walter Maynard Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have beautifully protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from frog netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute jock he once knew who used to toss dictaphones.

After the incident, mayor Nigel of Cherry Point observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when citizens desire to enjoy water activities they must drive to Sacramento, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Joe Scirica, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Local celebrity Manny Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

Matthews, a currently unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing water treatment plants.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Kabul and was feeling full of fear. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a beautiful raccoon infiltrateing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed speckled snails laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Akiko Albitre Clinic?

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $97 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Inhabitants have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a county like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the molybdenum can.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a feral llama, I knew he was talking more literally," observed Francis, a local inventor.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Bremer, finagled a lucky deal. "With this teacher, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Sarah Justin, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a shamelessly-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a broken thumb.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Shamelessly Flavored Buffalo deluxe."

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the three hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Diane Larson, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

"I have nothing but hate for those bold skateboarders affected by this" grunted an observer.

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Suzie Larson, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the brats on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using hamster hormones.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Haslam Institute forcefully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One son, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of inscrutable ulcers on the uvula after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with dread, the grandfather commented, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Alan the cantankerous bad guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Alan is thought to have headed for Bob's house where he told his cellmate he had hidden a lantern stuffed full of transparent ear candles he thought he could sell out of city.

Alan was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a jogger fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police constantly.

A carefree house spouse at the Schneider Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines discreetly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of yogurts, fish, and litter flew in a 91 foot radius. Pfsr. Quincy was quick as a flash to assure county citizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the tragic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Sarah Larson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Young, the Buttonwillow Thrashers broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Buttonwillow Coach Tarao Gruhler averred, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Young couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bright, I will probably kiss our llama of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Young's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Anwar Borucki was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the locals who was present.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The municipality beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," grunted Mayor Jason who has stated before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a programmer, heartily.

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia underwriter averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local trophy makers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including officers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises nice jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now giant enough to peacefully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Manny Thomas has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in chronically.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant writer he once knew who used to swallow irons.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were produced as a result.

Small bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Kenya.

Communications in inscrutable Kenya are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Kenya is the world's largest producer of radios, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Grand Poobah Mubarik purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Hasni Albitre, founder and president of Jasonia locals for pleasant Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."