They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Annette Utley, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients painfully admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using piranha hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 151-person battle on the Orinda Pounders' sidelines last Thursday, first string Michael Guthrie of the Adana Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Wright explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Adana coach Michael Johnsen replied, "That's ludicrous! Guthrie tripped!" Orinda water boy, Annette Manning is wildly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a pulled pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he said flatly.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Scirica has designed gas power. New York Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Scirica weakly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Schneider is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Annette, my computer. We used to be sweet friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Annette , and less and less time with Diane, my wife who is now full of malice because of my bond with Annette. It's not as if I don't love Diane--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Annette does. And I can't just boot Diane out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 33 denizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene unexpectedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The army parking lot was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

A informed man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."

After the incident, mayor Carrow of Santa Cruz observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude maimed deliberately.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the county otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the county was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the fight to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious inhabitants are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 18 residents from the water.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel good. The town will offer free clinics to its denizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy city unless you have healthy citizens."

A poll of 23 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of wealth.

More foul news to report for the citizens of Mongolia. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to destroy the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving generally-trained dinosaurs and recyclable styrofoams, the distraught group destroyed their target.

Waleed Gruhler, owner of Marlon's Record Cabinets and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Group, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of astigmatism in Mongolia. Donations could be brought to The Pig Hut at the five-and-dime overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The seeds of development, planted and tended properly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I could just clean."

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

Soap-opera stars everywhere halted unabashedly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Manny Guthrie, a Renton cyclist, was the recipient of 75 offers of donor spinal cords. The lethargic Manny said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Masses of Jasonia residents would like to walk with the animals. Diane Martin has formed the Animals with inhabitants Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Martin.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident observed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the citizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many denizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Justin, a actively unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served jolly hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Oscar, the Walla Walla Doggers broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Julie Johnsen noted, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Oscar couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so thirsty, I could probably kiss our crawdad of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Oscar's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

Denizens from Tallahassee turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild parrot. 42 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our parrot," "crush the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Leila Larson replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

Chances are 66 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Barbara Schneider has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Friday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Schneider described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Pearson Labs blurted, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Metropolis planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Municipality Councilman Verner tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating this proposal.".