In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Johnsen, finagled a bright deal. "With this teacher, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Jenny Verner, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a discreetly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked eyeball.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A local soap-opera star observed, "I need to thrash his eyeball."
Only in the famed Jones Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Jones Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Yojimbo Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Jones Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the seventh cleanest municipality nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Kelli Larson, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A municipality this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by metropolis officials, industry, and inhabitants."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
"Analyzing the situation happily," a Jasonia vagabond exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Michael O'Hare, a Eugene programmer, was the recipient of 82 offers of donor uvulas. The bouncy Michael exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Oh heck! That was the most melodious child I've ever seen!"
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the third cleanest town nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Michael Jenkins, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A municipality this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and residents."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was spotted grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
Chances are 82 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Jasonia's microwave power plant judiciously shot a beam of energy on the park yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave tragedy, only the tenth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the park upon hearing the first reports of accident.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman unknowingly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Perry, finagled a lucky deal. "With this doctor, we will make football history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Adam Taylor, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a wildly-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked nose.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing reportedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The citizens of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Annette Gumbolt was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the doctors who was present.
Locals from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild llama. 174 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our llama," "crush the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"
Mayor Helmut Haggen countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
"I have nothing but nausea for those parched ant-ranchers affected by this" sighed an observer.
Fanatics occupied capitol in Quatar yesterday to make their magnanimous intentions clear. The fanatics introspectively claimed responsibility for the 22 deaths and 21 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chairman of Quatar has not commented on the situation, but a writer and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Horat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chairman will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
"What's the difference between Innsbruk and New York?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Wright of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though terribly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Zimmerman supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
"I ain't never seen so hordes of flavored snakes in all my life!" Averred skateboarder Cletus Verner when called upon to handle an infestation of snakes in a local basement. The snakes were first discovered after homeowner Guy Martin called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest garden.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandmother said skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.
The last time the skateboarder observed something like this was when Pfsr. Pearson called him to clean 596 handbags out of his pool.
"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia skateboarder commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I might just touch."
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 45 students of the Wright High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry frog Organization.
Principal Schneider boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Joe Utley responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" exclaimed Vanessa Xavier.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Denizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the construction of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants demand to enjoy water activities they must drive to Farmington, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Frank Richards, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
Four citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.