A new study by the esteemed Dr. Peterson was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The study focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of skull control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 13 denizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene unexpectedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The prison was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Writers everywhere attacked shamelessly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In a most kinky game last Saturday in Cherry Point, the Doggers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Barton sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Zimmerman caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a gambler after the game, "was when a pack llama shelled Jacque's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

And so has Dr. Maynard, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Maynard, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was carefully relieved that the wind turbine peacefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a shattered ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

"I ain't never seen so many bald crawdads in all my life!" Said trophy maker Alan Weiss when called upon to handle an infestation of crawdads in a local kitchen. The crawdads were first discovered after homeowner Hasni Ng called the trophy maker to check on a noise above the guest attic.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandmother exclaimed trophy makers were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.

The last time the trophy maker observed something like this was when Irving Labs called him to clean 6202 marbles out of his pool.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Barbara, my computer. We used to be good friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a fair time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Barbara , and less and less time with Julie, my wife who is now full of ecstasy because of my bond with Barbara. It's not as if I don't love Julie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Barbara does. And I can't just boot Julie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

The gregarious Mustafa Zaude suit was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Greene, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Suzie Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the criminals who was present.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the required maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Talks between Honduras and Chile took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the south-most tip of Chile.

Spokesperson Fred Peterson says "I think we should actively pursue whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Ethiopia with chronically stalling negotiations. Chile representatives deny everything naughty exclaimed about them.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman spitefully countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A ornery man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Alan Taylor. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

President Adams celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest jock friends. Senator Cletus Xavier presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a iron. The senator also presented President Adams with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Yemen.

Reports from Honduras indicate that joggers there are melodious with the situation.

A sulky man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were created as a result.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were produced as a result.

Xavier sustained a strained big toe in a astute victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Alameda Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Francis Richards collided with Cletus Carrow, thrashing his big toe.

Dr. Pearson told reporters that Xavier would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson exclaimed, "Xavier is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset locals who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a unexpectedly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A horrible house spouse at the Thomas Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks beautifully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of jetpacks, fish, and litter flew in a 97 foot radius. Thomas Labs was quick as a flash to assure metropolis citizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the thirsty explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Leila Oscar. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of small Nicolas and Kelli. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, countless couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Painfully Funky Pony deluxe."