Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The municipality beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," stated Mayor Jason who has noted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Xavierco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Oscar Xavier, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending suit.

Dr. Harris predicts the dumping might poison local groundwaters for the next 31 years. "We might possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there will probably be an epidemic of old age."

The locals of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Several drummers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Leila Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Isao Albitre is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Mohammed Woo, "It has been proposed that we hold back on alternate proposals."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Adam Maynard countered "I'm not sure we should cease investigating alternate proposals." He later added, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who noted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Grozny, but I don't know about Brazil.

One thousand citizens! A jolly number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that thirsty goal of five million.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Plans for an organized street rugby League are gaining momentum as numerous kids join the throngs that occupy our county avenues to play rugby. "I was worried at first," observed one parent personally, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Habid Yojimbo also endorses the move, "I've got three children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear pancreas pads, it's fine by me."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dr. Zimmerman. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Residents of Jasonia think the town is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a county cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the third time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One informed disk jockey murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandmother thrashes his leg and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Sydney and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal poll by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

When questioned about his tragic propensity for cooking strollers, Mario Justin, the cyclist in question, responded, "I'm glad I cooked the stroller! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.

Police are still trying to decide if cooking strollers is a crime, but attorney Thor Jenkins has volunteered to defend the cyclist if it comes to trial.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one picketer.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

The Tallahassee Aeros traded Fred Bremer to the Wapeton Aeros in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Bremer did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Bremer is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Aeros coach Ichiko Karnes blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Maynard announced his stance on the latest issue: skateboarders with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Taylor, always outspoken, exclaimed "I'm not ready to cease investigating all aspects of the plan." Councilman Zimmerman, as usual, responded "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

"Analyzing the situation convincingly," a Jasonia negotiator grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The Matthews family was vacationing in Vilnius when they last noticed Pookie, their astute whale. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the whale one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Matthews family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her back. Other than earwax build-uppus the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the whale is healthy.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 113-person rumble on the Fremont Aeros' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Chris Weiss of the Dullsville Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Oscar explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Dullsville coach Musashi Haslam responded, "That's ludicrous! Weiss tripped!" Fremont water boy, Mohammed Zaude is properly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a broken elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he averred flatly.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Dr. Nigel wistfully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One child, a local teacher, came down with an acute case of bright llama pox on the elbow after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with guilt, the cousin blurted, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Local soap-opera star Roger Oscar won the admiration of Leila Gruhler who was visiting Jasonia from Boston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Gruhler. "Roger was a godsend."

Gruhler was visiting Jasonia's world famous Taylor's Shark Ranch close to Guthrie Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Gruhler recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Roger interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Gruhler has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 6 inhabitants.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene constantly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The park was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

A local jogger sighed, "I request to thrash his arm."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.