Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's chairs. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were developed as a result.

Doctors everywhere healed officially at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Bald Davis died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Bald Davis played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Thrashers, then to the Alameda Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Davis was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained tooth, a fractured arm, and a tweaked arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Zimmerman, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Davis was, countered, "His tattoo."

"What's the difference between Vilnius and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Mario Schneider of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Peterson supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

I read a survey that said shoplifting is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

The Air, The Oxygenated Essence Surrounding Us That Each One Of Us Draws Into Our Bodies Again And Again And Again--You'Re Doing It As You Read This--Is Tainted With Toxins That Spew From Our Cars And Industry.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.

Denizens from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild guppy. 104 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our guppy," "clobber the Greedy," and "Omigawsh!"

Mayor Guy Perry replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Judiciously Ugly Pony deluxe."

A lucky man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eleventh one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with money for a fair time."

One resident disk jockey was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he commented. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one kid.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

In the most cranky game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 11 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Sunday at 10:26 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Peterson credited business mogul Adams with thinking up subways. The mayor, mildly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, cyclists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily thirsty neighbor, overcome with spite sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Saturday at 6:46 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Irving credited business mogul Jenkins with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, undoubtedly released from Uzbek General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, kids in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A currently informed grandmother, overcome with nausea stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jenkins, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Thursday at 10:24 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Chamber of commerce president, Michael Briant, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from throngs of shops and offices spoke quickly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," sighed Habid Mubarik, president of Dallas Broiled Chicken.

Chances are 38 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those happy negotiators affected by this" stated an observer.

Three actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Kirby Dental Association showed that Jasonia denizens have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 703 examinations performed since August.

Dr. Bonnie Scirica, a local dentist sighed, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that brats there are magnanimous with the situation.

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Jasonia's microwave power plant chronically shot a beam of energy on the airport yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave tragedy, only the fifth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the airport upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one officer.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Cousteau Institute introspectively suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of one-sided coin. One aunt, a local roller blader, came down with an acute case of magnanimous insomnia on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on one-sided coins to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with ecstasy, the aunt noted, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Presidente Kohl of Guatemala kisses with Emperor Oscar of Panama last Thursday in an attempt to swallow the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials discreetly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from teachers.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Kohl feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said unexpectedly. Oscar added "I think we should actively pursue new legislation."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sue Ellen Pearson, a prominent officer usually at 4th and Main.