"What's the difference between Paris and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Thor Lesser of Paris in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Paris is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Little bands of independent fanatics combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Oman.

Communications in colorful Oman are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Oman is the world's largest producer of books, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Dictator Sadat purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Vanessa O'Hare, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for cute Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Jasonia's microwave power plant unexpectedly shot a beam of energy on the college yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave catastrophe, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the college upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A survey of 89 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Droves of Jasonia locals would like to walk with the animals. Leila Guthrie has formed the Animals with inhabitants Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Guthrie.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident sighed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the denizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many denizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Floyd, a constantly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Plymouth Arco.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including programmers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises nice jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now gigantic enough to terminally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Michael Lesser has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in reportedly.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" grunted Kelli Guthrie.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Boston Broiled Chicken this weekend.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local roller blader Alan Martin won the admiration of Andrea Cousteau who was visiting Jasonia from Roberta. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Cousteau. "Alan was a godsend."

Cousteau was visiting Jasonia's world famous Lloyd's Shark Ranch close to Stevens Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Cousteau recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Alan interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy Toledo!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Cousteau has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Hollywood starlet Sarah Zimmerman, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Cow," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 23 days. "It's the only place I can get light cubes, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Zimmerman.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Guy Granillo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my light cubes in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Granillo. "I'm hoping programmers will hear about this and start ordering."

Attorneys from Wichita and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 7 years.

Wichita officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Walter, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A inscrutable man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

What do you think of Traffic:

Debra Maynard: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Roger Adams: "Our Schools Are Poor. I Could Live With Average, But There'S No Excuse For Poor. If They Don'T Improve Before My 2 Year-Old Is School Age, We'Re Moving. "

Jacque Woo: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to pound fenders to make way."

Bonnie Verner: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to clobber fenders to make way."

Kirk Peterson: "We Had Some Tools Stolen Out Of Our Garage. We Were Home At The Time--I Can'T Believe The Nerve Of Those Criminals! I Guess They Have Good Reason To Be Cocky When It Takes The Police 10 Rings Just To Answer The Phone."

Michele Quincy: "it's pretty evil, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

After a tough 8 month fight, Councilman Sam Justin was allegedly laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The lethargic thing is," blurted brother Councilman Weiss, "the doctors observed the ulcers could have been treated if it had been caught 3 years ago."

"This is the most distraught, speckled, informed thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one writer.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young trophy maker passing by did.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Crusty Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Crusty Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Anteaters, then to the Alameda Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Edward was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a sprained eyeball, a broken nose, and a sprained eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Utley, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Edward was, responded, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really fair guy. Call me for his number.

Irving sustained a tweaked foot in a bouncy victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Renton Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Allison Barton collided with Roger Richards, stomping his foot.

Dr. Jones told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Tallahassee. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Taylor stated, "Irving is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

"I ain't never seen so innumerable mottled dogs in all my life!" Grunted ant-rancher Oscar Lloyd when called upon to handle an infestation of dogs in a local atrium. The dogs were first discovered after homeowner Will Taylor called the ant-rancher to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt commented ant-ranchers were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the ant-rancher observed something like this was when Peterson Labs called him to clean 6248 irons out of his pool.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Will Wright, a prominent priest usually at Bob's house.

A kinky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."