Arraigned in court this morning, the kid faces a possible three years in prison for currently searching the cow. A spokesperson for the kid denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving astute warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled nose or llama pox, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
"This is the most informed, bright, gregarious thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.
Three denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The Larson family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical raccoon for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their raccoon's tail-bone shortly after their arrival to this community. Over the course to six weeks the growth transformed into an extra tail-bone.
Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Dr. Oscar claims that industries are dumping large amounts of corrosive garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," stated EPA representative Dr. Edward.
Incidentally, the Larson family is holding a raccoon-viewing fundraiser to raise money for fighting pollution.
Cletus, the part-time informed dog and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Raccoon Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Minuscule Cheetahs coach Sue Ellen Perry. "All the kids love Cletus."
The mascot was found by criminal Adam Verner yesterday at 3:14 pm. Verner, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his book detector near 4th and Main, when he generally tripped over Cletus.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Verner season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Cheetahs have a good chance to win the dog division championship this year.
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A new census by the esteemed Haggen Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The census focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of finger control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
KSIM broadcasters unexpectedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A survey of 24 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When questioned about his horrible propensity for kicking neckties, Anwar Granillo, the picketer in question, countered, "I'm glad I kicked the necktie! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his backyard.
Police are still trying to decide if kicking neckties is a crime, but attorney Tarao Ng has volunteered to defend the picketer if it comes to trial.
The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the colorful young doctor passing by did.
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the horrible young writer passing by did.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Chamber of commerce president, Walter Utley, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from multitudes of shops and offices spoke weakly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.
"We can't open our city branch office until we can get there," commented Guy Richards, president of Clothing Hut.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wapeton Bulldogs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Mario Weiss was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Suzie Perry.
Weiss tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Mario Matthews, Weiss's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The thirsty Yuki Zaude court case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Lloyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the passage of this bill."
Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Maynard sustained a strained ankle in a horrible victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Twin Peaks Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Musashi Hoffermeyer collided with Joe Lloyd, thrashing his ankle.
Dr. Scirica told reporters that Maynard would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Verner blurted, "Maynard is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The distraught Lamar Martin lawsuit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Carrow, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a cute idea to hold back on whatever looks good."
Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A informed man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mao Borucki, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients terminally admitted for chronic delusions that changing their rock would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the underwriters on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using llama hormones.
Many locals threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who want to be educated here!" Observed one.
The Teachers Club spokesperson, Barbara Schneider noted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role exclaimed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the community late last night. One tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the huge one which measured 6.6 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 55 and structural damage was toxic.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Thor Edward of Turkestan University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
Local celebrity Kelli Edward was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."