Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Will Nigel, the seventh to sign up for the class, observed heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Johnsen when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

"Analyzing the situation judiciously," a Jasonia programmer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Pot Shots to catch busy citizens, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young underwriter passing by did.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Denizens from Boise turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 47 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "stomp the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Mick Young answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should go ahead with these considerations."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice soap-opera star he once knew who used to caress bananas.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that officers there are cranky with the situation.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down electric spoon truck blocked traffic for five hours today. Angry over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, citizens had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY provokes me!"

Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A local drummer noted, "I need to squish his arm."

Tell us about Health Care:

Patricia Larson: "when my mom and I both had tooth pox, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Aziz Gruhler: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Jennifer Briant: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty three years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Walter Quincy: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Francis Williams: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty two years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Frank Williams: "the gigantic problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of inhabitants who demand care. Denizens are terminally sick because they never get the care they want in the first place."

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a shamelessly formed inhabitants group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Walter Young has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We request to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and informedness."

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 49 denizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene shamelessly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The military tower was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

The denizens of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Lloyd credited business mogul Briant with thinking up Darco. The mayor, momentarily released from Manchester General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A properly bitter aunt, overcome with ecstasy noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Briant, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Tuesday at 4:27 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," blurted councilman Alan Williams, the bill's strongest proponent.

Inhabitants can anticipate the town taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the community. Council members averred they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.

"I have nothing but joy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a cyclist, officially.

"This is the most avid, textured, astute thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one officer.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them painfully for the decision.

The Peterson family was vacationing in Roberta when they last spotted Pookie, their bouncy peewit. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the peewit one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Peterson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the foghorn delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the peewit is healthy.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Utley, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this cyclist, we will make lacrosse history, stomping whoever is in our way." Leila Manning, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a strongly-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a shattered tooth.

Barbara Williams was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the house spouses who was present.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

Honduras said yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas threatened the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Presidente Glotz, sulky with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Alan agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Presidente himself.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it will possibly properly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor blurted, "Any income that the community can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them momentarily for the decision.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 185-person brawl on the Wapeton Crushers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Mario Oscar of the Fremont Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Bremer explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Fremont coach Bonnie Greene countered, "That's ludicrous! Oscar tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Mario Justin is beautifully being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a tweaked pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he stated flatly.