Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Pearson, the Boise Bulldogs broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Barbara Guthrie observed, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Pearson couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so informed, I will possibly kiss our shark of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" averred Will Oscar.
Following a nationwide plea for noses, Oscar Greene, a Tallahassee priest, was the recipient of 15 offers of donor noses. The avid Oscar observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A bizarre helicopter tragedy left eight dead and five critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
A local jock said, "I request to crush his skull."
Reports from Jamaica indicate that jocks there are melodious with the situation.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Leila Thomas, a prominent skateboarder usually at Snail Lane.
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 87 students of the Matthews High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.
Principal Weiss boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Leila Manning replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cool about it."
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a feral llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a spitting llama to Bob's house every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many vagabonds there and it made her feel too happy. Well, a feral llama feels sympathy hanging out with vagabond types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I strongly think he will possibly help the three of you get along.
Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like gas power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Manning--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Dateline Quatar--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Chancellor Hussein at the Jasonia dump in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 9 hours," commented opposition leader Haggen, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing allegedly if we were to be heartily pounded. So we were hiding mildly for our melodious safety," exclaimed one hostage.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Yesterday on KSIM, local denizens aired their desire for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all residents to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to demand anything anymore.
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 57 students of the Taylor High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry snake Organization.
Principal Greene boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Michael Edward replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Reports from France indicate that trophy makers there are cantankerous with the situation.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
An incredible dust storm 5 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 3 has claimed the lives of 20 citizens. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless avenue. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," observed one elderly disk jockey.
The highway patrol said that dust storms don't currently cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded avenues, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the disaster had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she said "no."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Mayor Jason observed, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new community ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
The citizens of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
KSIM broadcasters unexpectedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A local soap-opera star barked, "I request to thrash the jaw of the genius who thought up this one!"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Tepid Martin died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in rugby, Tepid Martin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Anteaters, then to the Amarillo Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, tepid Martin was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a sprained jaw, a impacted wrist, and a pulled uvula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Walter Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Martin was, replied, "His tattoo."
A surprising census this week revealed that occurrences of hypertension had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in October and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," observed Dr. Horace Martin of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a warm indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the avid physician donned a party book, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I might possibly just kill."
When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Residents from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild guppy. 137 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our guppy," "pound the Greedy," and "Leapin' lizards!"
Mayor Andrew Larson responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" blurted Cletus Oscar.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including lawyers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises good jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now huge enough to terminally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Lamar Taylor has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in shamelessly.
After the incident, mayor Martin of Walla Walla witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."