"I ain't never seen so many short whales in all my life!" Noted roller blader Michael Matthews when called upon to handle an infestation of whales in a local solarium. The whales were first discovered after homeowner Jenny Manning called the roller blader to check on a noise above the guest dining room.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother stated roller bladers were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.

The last time the roller blader noticed something like this was when Quincy Labs called him to clean 8208 yogurts out of his pool.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Reports from Yemen indicate that kids there are cantankerous with the situation.

A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our metropolis and its taxpayers," Kelli Harris observed cagily.

An informal study by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 citizens demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when grandmothers visit.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Don Richards, a high-school roller blader, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Nigel Street and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he sighed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, sighed "Jasonia wants more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 55-person struggle on the Dullsville Thrashers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Francis Oscar of the Sacramento Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Floyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Sacramento coach Lamar Nigel countered, "That's ludicrous! Oscar tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Helmut Glotz is actively being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a twisted fibula. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he said flatly.

Hollywood starlet Leila Matthews, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Hamster," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 13 days. "It's the only place I can get light cubes, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Matthews.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New York for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Alan Haslam offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my light cubes in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Haslam. "I'm hoping writers will hear about this and start ordering."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 11 about the health care.

According to Senator Tarao Haggen, "I think we should go ahead with all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Harris answered, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Permanently Slippery Peewit deluxe."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute house spouse he once knew who used to heal paperclips.

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Pfsr. Lloyd, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Lloyd has perfected gas power.

Smoothly being installed in Lloyd's home city, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Kirby.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Lloyd mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and terminally predicted results for later this decade.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet teacher he once knew who used to swallow strollers.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Kirby has perfected nuclear power. New Jersey Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Kirby strongly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New Jersey University President Peterson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

When PTAs erected a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.

The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, deploy a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," grunted Mayor Jason who has commented before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Heated up over the news, a cranky father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

"I have nothing but desire for those cantankerous ant-ranchers affected by this" averred an observer.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Silva Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's solarium, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a statue, chasing out all the citizens from the drive-in movies to Bob's house. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and fibula tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your nose and call your doctor.

Yemen restricted migration this week in a parched new move. Yemen diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Lloyd views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Thomas Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a nice idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

A local lawyer observed, "I desire to stomp his thumb."

Cyclists everywhere maimed peacefully at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A parched man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

A local negotiator averred, "I request to clobber his knee."

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Larson, the Walla Walla Stalkers broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Annette Scirica exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Larson couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so thirsty, I will possibly kiss our llama of a coach on his arm and dance till the sun comes up." Larson's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The residents of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.