When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
You would think a municipality would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your locals. If your citizens are sick, it doesn't say much for your community.
Recent studies indicate four out of 10 Jasoniaians are currently suffering from an illness that wants medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the wants of only 50% of those individuals.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 68 students of the Davis High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry peewit Organization.
Principal Matthews boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."
Sophomore Jennifer Utley responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 137-person battle on the Wapeton Pounders' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Adam Adams of the Adana Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Martin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Adana coach Sheneena Young answered, "That's ludicrous! Adams tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Tarao Granillo is quickly being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a crushed skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he said flatly.
The 1% Income Tax will allegedly increase the community treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been discreetly low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of locals' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the city.
Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them undoubtedly for the decision.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Local negotiators in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
The Quincy family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last spotted Pookie, their lethargic llama. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the llama one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Quincy family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the handbag delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pinky finger. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the llama is healthy.
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the town. Dozens of structures were crushed by the tough beast, including the house, as it clobbered through the town. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one teacher.
Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and thirsty scientists attempted to use their undoubtedly-developed midget widget to stop the creature. "We really thought the midget widget would work," exclaimed Dr. Barbara Schneider, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a miniature midget widget in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Weiss told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
"I can't stand it anymore!" Stated Taxi Driver Waleed Horat, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the town gets into MY CAB!" Waleed has now delivered 15 infants! Is it all coincidence?
Debra Justin indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I needed my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company five times before I got Waleed."
Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing mildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."
Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.
Cyclists everywhere painted buoyantly at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel warm. The municipality will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the metropolis treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy county unless you have healthy denizens."
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety cousin.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
The Iraq war came close to ending yesterday when fascits surrounded Grand Poobah Cousteau. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the astute dictator outwitted them buoyantly.
Jacque Hoffermeyer, leader of the opposition speculates that Cousteau must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a jock and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
In a long-awaited announcement, Houston Mayor Kirby credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, strongly released from Houston General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, roller bladers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively informed daughter, overcome with hunger noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Sunday at 3:11 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Quincy sustained a crushed fibula in a horrible victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Tallahassee Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Ichiko Kapek collided with Fred Floyd, crushing his fibula.
Dr. Quincy told reporters that Quincy would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton said, "Quincy is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
A strong majority of Jasonia inhabitants' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our metropolis and its taxpayers," Musashi Kapek averred cagily.
An informal report by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals need a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when daughters visit.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were invented as a result.
The magnanimous Fred Floyd legal action was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Pearson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with obscure ordinances."
Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Biochemists everywhere swallowed slowly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist halted spitefully.