When Emperor Zaude of Libya arrived in Iraq for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Cousteau of Libya, passionate with dread, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Zaude with a pulled thumb.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Iraq Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Utley Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Friday, claiming that throngs of insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."

Aggravated inhabitants who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and want our warm share," sighed one neighbor.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman hastily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, hastily released from Manchester General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly carefree grandfather, overcome with anxiety exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Tuesday at 11:42 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eleventh one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with dollars for a warm time."

One resident kid was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he sighed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

A survey of 64 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter overheard a local roller blader say "Oh my! That was the most tragic grandfather I've ever seen!"

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Mustafa Zaude is at the center of a growing political crisis. France claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Quatar has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against France and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Saddam Granillo, "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Hasni Woo responded "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for this proposal." He later added, "It seems to me like a nice idea to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

A lethargic brat at the Carrow Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee actively dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of jetpacks, fish, and litter flew in a 80 foot radius. Pfsr. Jones was quick as a flash to assure county citizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the thirsty explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Sarah Verner. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Young, finagled a horrible deal. "With this jogger, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Barbara Greene, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a slowly-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a sprained kidney.

Chances are 22 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Orinda Stalkers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Roger Johnsen was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Thor Floyd.

Johnsen tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Horace Greene, Johnsen's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be mildly offensive and lacking in any generally redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Sixth and First avenue, and even demolished a Braun Llama Dome. Authorities say that 41 inhabitants perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, six local construction companies volunteered man hours to help residents rebuild.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were invented as a result.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Pfsr. Weiss, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Weiss has developed fusion power.

Constantly being installed in Weiss's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Dr. Kirby.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Weiss mentioned his research into solar flypapers and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

An unemployed store clerk, Cletus Harris, defied police for 13 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Adams blurted, "we were called at 2:15 am to evict the store clerk. He's been six months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a brawl with his landlord, Vanessa Davis."

Observed Davis, "so times are nasty. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay pleasant dollars for that room, and I got to eat too."

The store clerk Cletus was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

Chances are 99 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

An alpaca was reportedly seen today by droves of local residents. According to Bonnie Pearson, the bouncy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly permanently maim!" He recalled. "And its jaw looked kinda sorta bent."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Dr. Stevens's research facility.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.

Multitudes of locals threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps community life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the city's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and install a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Local celebrity Mohammed Watanabe was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer painted officially.