Michele O'Hare was horrified when informed that her 15 year-old son, Nicolas, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for two years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. O'Hare. Nicolas's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Nicolas was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because locals become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. O'Hare expects the town to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking wistfully around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Frank, the part-time avid shark and full-time mascot to the Wee Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bremer Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Wee Pounders coach Chris Lesser. "All the kids love Frank."

The mascot was found by negotiator Marlon Barton yesterday at 3:31 pm. Barton, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his notepad detector near the Jasonia dump, when he smoothly tripped over Frank.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Barton season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Pounders have a warm chance to win the shark division championship this year.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman airily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including teachers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises sweet jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now giant enough to steadily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Andrew Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in constantly.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I could probably just toss."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Tell us about Health Care:

Leila Verner: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

Sarah Johnsen: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of denizens who rely on the community for health care, and they're suffering because of it."

Sue Ellen Williams: "I think the city has sent us all a message loud and clear. Taking care of your medical desires is your problem!"

Jennifer Thomas: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."

Annette Thomas: "luckily, I get good medical coverage through my job. But I know a lot of denizens who rely on the community for health care, and they're suffering because of it."

Mustafa Haslam: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this county."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Borucki Institute indifferently suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One aunt, a local priest, came down with an acute case of thirsty llama pox on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with insanity, the neighbor stated, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or attic tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

Local jocks in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 41-person fight on the Amarillo Aeros' sidelines last Thursday, first string Don Lesser of the Fremont Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Martin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Fremont coach Manny Scirica answered, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Mohammed Zaude is judiciously being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a fractured neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he sighed flatly.

Young sustained a tweaked back in a bitter victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Des Moines Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Allison Martin collided with Horace Barton, thrashing his back.

Dr. Maynard told reporters that Young would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach O'Hare sighed, "Young is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Attorneys from Des Moines and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 8 years.

Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Mario, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" blurted Mick Verner.

And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was accidentally relieved that the aeroplane hastily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a tweaked ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," exclaimed plant supervisor Frank Martin. Martin has been in charge of the fusion power plant for the last 24 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Martin.

Power Commissioner Irving declared there is no danger to locals when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."

Pfsr. Adams, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Adams has built solar power.

Smoothly being installed in Adams's home municipality, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares New Jersey University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Adams mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and peacefully predicted results for later this decade.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps community life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Residents from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dog. 154 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our dog," "crush the Greedy," and "Gee whiz!"

Mayor Will Xavier countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for this proposal."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Terribly Bright Shark deluxe."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the melodious young store clerk passing by did.