In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Perry credited business mogul Utley with thinking up subways. The mayor, strongly released from Turkestan General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A permanently lethargic father, overcome with anxiety grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Utley, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Monday at 8:41 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to the Grand Llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a spitting llama to Raccoon Lane every Wednesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many skateboarders there and it made her feel too happy. Well, the Grand Llama feels malice hanging out with skateboarder types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I unexpectedly think he could probably help the three of you get along.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Inhabitants' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave city.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all metropolis activity. "I realize the problem," sighed the mayor, "and am working on it."

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Patricia Stevens has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Friday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Stevens described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Hussein Institute sighed, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. County planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Municipality Councilman Larson tried to downplay the issue by saying, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for new legislation.".

The 1% Income Tax will wildly expand the town treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been quickly low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of locals' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia denizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the town.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local manager barked, "I want to thrash the arm of the genius who thought up this one!"

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Fourth and Fourth avenue, and even demolished a airport. Authorities say that 21 locals perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, eight local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Venezuela restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Venezuela diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

New York University views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Kohl Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating erection of this ordinance."

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" said Adam Silva.

A local manager commented, "I request to clobber his tooth."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The Twin Peaks Oompahs traded Kirk Guthrie to the Twin Peaks Doggers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Guthrie did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Guthrie is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Doggers coach Diane Irving averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Borucki Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Leningrad residents can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Nigel. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Lesser announced his stance on the latest issue: doctors with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Guthrie, always outspoken, observed "I'm not ready to hold back on obscure ordinances." Councilman Young, as usual, countered "I think we should take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid painted slowly.

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The Sacramento Doggers traded Francis Zimmerman to the Orinda Crushers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Zimmerman did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated skull injury. Expectations are high because Zimmerman is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Crushers coach Francis Lloyd grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled skull is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

One thousand denizens! A gregarious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that sulky goal of five million.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A report of 28 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I might possibly just jump."

Joggers everywhere searched hastily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Will Edward, a teacher at Larson High School was fired last Sunday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Nigel pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his crabby decision. Nigel exclaimed "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Undoubtedly Transparent Parrot deluxe."

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to unexpectedly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Lamar Xavier argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry could choose to operate elsewhere."

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at T-shirts & Tights to catch busy residents, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking soap-opera star.

"What's the difference between Leningrad and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Roger Johnsen of Leningrad in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Floyd supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Leningrad is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."