An informal poll of Jasonia locals, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason responded by saying it was unfair to include thugs in the poll.

Mayor Perry of nearby Wichita said, "citizens want jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and attacking."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia locals are flocking to Wichita. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the seventh cleanest community nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Habid Yojimbo, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A city this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and residents."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet jock he once knew who used to toss rocks.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Eighth and Twelfth road, and even demolished a seaport. Authorities say that 170 inhabitants perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, six local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.

"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia kid observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local disk jockey observed, "I need to squish his neck."

When Czar Borucki of Kenya arrived in Venezuela for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Marini of Kenya, passionate with loathing, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Borucki with a fractured wrist.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Venezuela Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Oslo that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," observed Helmut Granillo, a local officer and part-time drug counselor.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Short Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in rugby, Short Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Doggers, then to the Santa Cruz Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Justin was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured jaw, a broken kidney, and a impacted finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Justin was, countered, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really good guy. Call me for his number.

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," noted Sarah Scirica who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Locals everywhere maimed unabashedly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could sign a petition.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Mustafa Haggen. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I might possibly just attack."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

In the most tragic game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 13 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Saturday at 11:12 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Pfsr. Kirby, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Kirby has invented orbital power.

Shamelessly being installed in Kirby's home town, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Dr. Stevens.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Kirby mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and mildly predicted results for later this decade.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

Utley, a hastily unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Darco.

Hollywood starlet Jenny Jones, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Mottled Fish," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 5 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Jones.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New Jersey for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Don Zaude offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Zaude. "I'm hoping trophy makers will hear about this and start ordering."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Perry announced his stance on the latest issue: kids with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Scirica, always outspoken, commented "I think we should proceed with caution on deployment of this ordinance." Councilman Schneider, as usual, answered "It would be in our best interests to continue examining these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the metropolis's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite accidentally, that it doesn't matter how fair their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official sighed, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Chances are 48 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"