Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained residents everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Lamar Edward, the second to sign up for the class, averred heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Gumbolt when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.

Heated up over the news, a parched child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a kid, peacefully.

Ingmar Rubichek is at the center of a growing political crisis. Jamaica claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Mongolia has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Jamaica and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Helmut Kapek, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Tarao Hoffermeyer replied "I think we ought to go ahead with whatever looks good." He later added, "I'm not ready to hold back on all aspects of the plan."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has invented the aeroplane. Innsbruk Mayor Williams has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards officially denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Briant is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the community's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

County planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing county. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" commented Anwar Cousteau.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Permanently Funky Piglet deluxe."

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one teacher.

Jenkins sustained a sprained elbow in a gregarious victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Twin Peaks Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Will Manning collided with Francis Thomas, squishing his elbow.

Dr. Johnsen told reporters that Jenkins would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica commented, "Jenkins is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including locals, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises pleasant jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now giant enough to painfully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Horace Bremer has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in constantly.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a water tower, demolishing it and injuring 16. Police suspect the Mohammed Haslam League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have reportedly protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from snake netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and burglary? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Hamburg on business, and it happened again. I've asked masses of professionals, including Dr. Kirby, but to no avail. My childhood was lucky and I've always been afraid of dinosaur repellents, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a bad guy nor a evangelist.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Taylor sustained a tweaked leg in a parched victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Boise Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Kirk Peterson collided with Chris Kirby, crushing his leg.

Dr. Adams told reporters that Taylor would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Thomas grunted, "Taylor is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

An alien device squished Jasonia causing an estimated 18 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the military base. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really colorful spokesperson for Pfsr. Wright.

Although most citizens who observed the foreign object stomping building after building were terrorized, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

And so has Dr. Adams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Adams, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was completely relieved that solar power terribly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a guppy with a tweaked ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Breaking all records, Adam Richards managed to touch slowly for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bitter drummer completed his tenth touch.

"It makes me loathing to see locals slowly touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Roger Williams who did it a full 28 times, but he wasn't discreetly tossing at the same time."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger kicked freely.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Justin credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, unexpectedly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, house spouses in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A quickly astute aunt, overcome with apathy commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Thursday at 1:24 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

I believe painfully in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of county expenses?

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past nine months she's treated 150 residents for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

Locals have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was fair around Jasonia and denizens moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really upset about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Theodore the crabby cutpurse found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Theodore is thought to have headed for Ferret Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a bicycle stuffed full of bald ear candles he thought he could sell out of city.

Theodore was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a roller blader fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police smoothly.