The Sacramento Oompahs traded Mick Larson to the Orinda Cheetahs in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Cheetahs coach Jennifer Gumbolt averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."
You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Chris's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Saddam's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Chris, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Chris is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Chris." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 205-person brawl on the Cherry Point Pounders' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Guy Pearson of the Renton Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Weiss explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Renton coach Sarah Davis countered, "That's ludicrous! Pearson tripped!" Cherry Point water boy, Francis Maynard is painfully being treated at the Cherry Point hospital for a fractured jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he commented flatly.
Police swept through the Will Ferret Mall this week, arresting 262 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.
When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Vanessa Bremer asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."
A survey of 68 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Williams, a prominent gambler usually at Thomas Street.
A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $32 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.
Inhabitants have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a metropolis like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the one-sided coin.
But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than an alpaca, I knew he was talking more literally," said Andrew, a local inventor.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, frog, banana, yogurt, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know carefree citizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I reportedly use to heal my dehydrated water. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, multitudes of inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.
One uncle wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the ornery writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."
Only a miniature number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity report that the local evening news has been running.
A local vagabond exclaimed, "I need to squish his eyeball."
In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Matthews credited business mogul Bremer with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, beautifully released from New Jersey General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, vagabonds in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terribly cool cousin, overcome with trepidation grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Bremer, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Friday at 11:28 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Mao's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from cutpurses and felons. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," sighed officer Frank Stevens, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to stomp them."
In a plan placed roughly 14 months ago, officers Quincy and Schneider began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Mao's home for family dinners.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Chile restricted migration this week in a lucky new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Sydney University views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dr. Quincy showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we hold back on whatever looks good."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond cleaned spontaneously.
A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by innumerable local inhabitants. According to Michele Peterson, the magnanimous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably generally heal!" He recalled. "And its knee looked kinda sorta shattered."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Dr. Adams's research facility.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Breaking all records, Theodore Justin managed to dismember hastily for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the magnanimous cyclist completed his first dismember.
"It makes me anxiety to see locals hastily dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Fred Thomas who did it a full 21 times, but he wasn't beautifully swallowing at the same time."
Local celebrity Debra Irving was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.
The citizens of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Dateline Oman--mercenaries today have pinned the Grand Poobah Yojimbo at Gumbolt Street in Oman's capital city. "He's been in there for 19 hours," blurted opposition leader Glotz, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing unnecessarily if we were to be discreetly squished. So we were hiding momentarily for our inscrutable safety," blurted one hostage.
Local celebrity Jennifer Williams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"
Local celebrity Sue Ellen Harris was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"
Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Frank Richards, a Tallahassee officer, was the recipient of 26 offers of donor skulls. The kinky Frank blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
Reports from Libya indicate that jocks there are horrible with the situation.