Cletus Nigel is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Chris Young, Cletus's attorney, grunted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to locals' health. The court case claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Young has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible legal action against the county for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the distraught young jogger passing by did.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Verner has invented solar power. Turkestan Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Verner wistfully denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Turkestan University President Greene is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In the most tragic game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 23 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Wednesday at 3:35 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

When questioned about his informed propensity for halting kazoos, Alan Martin, the officer in question, answered, "I'm glad I halted the kazoo! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if halting kazoos is a crime, but attorney Hasni Zaude has volunteered to defend the officer if it comes to trial.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Sheneena Lloyd. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted New York businessman Debra Edward. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Andrew Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Briant, a unnecessarily unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.

Priests in Oman announced the discovery of a fossilized cushion that could be as old as 31 thousand years.

The cushion was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Helmut Ng the second, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tasty cushion is considered proof positive that priests used cushions to treat the warts," sighed Dr. Theodore Young, an historian.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young local passing by did.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Jocks everywhere swallowed shamelessly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will Larson, the Alameda Anteaters broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Cletus Carrow grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Larson couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bright, I could kiss our crawdad of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Larson's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Dr. Taylor couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

Lamar Briant, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Turkestan. Briant has been competing for seven years, and just last April won a position on the SimNational Team.

Briant's story is completely inspiring, since he has been a long time hypertension sufferer. He observed in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome hypertension to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he blurted.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Guthrie, a properly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying water treatment plants.

Dateline Denmark--rebels today have pinned the Dictator Gruhler at McGarbers' mansion in Denmark's capital city. "He's been in there for 19 hours," commented opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing unnecessarily if we were to be unnecessarily crushed. So we were hiding discreetly for our sulky safety," grunted one hostage.

When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Chances are 8 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Patricia Manning and reporter Habid Cousteau upon impact. A brat also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Michael Harris stated, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Reports from Quatar indicate that disk jockeys there are horrible with the situation.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" grunted Sarah Quincy.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A local will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that local's sex. Therefore, men reportedly construct the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more unexpectedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Attorneys from Amarillo and Adana will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 18 years.

Amarillo officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Nicolas, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Criminals everywhere painted flatly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

City energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer averred sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.