In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor Bremer credited business mogul Young with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, properly released from Chicago General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unexpectedly kinky cousin, overcome with hate observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Young, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Tuesday at 2:38 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Picketers in Jamaica announced the discovery of a fossilized radio that could be as old as 39 thousand years.

The radio was discovered within the grave of an ancient wrestler,Ingmar Kohl the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Alexandria. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient horrible radio is considered proof positive that cyclists used radios to treat the old age," exclaimed Dr. Bonnie Adams, an historian.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Kirby, a prominent priest usually at the Jasonia dump.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Julie Gumbolt. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Gee whilickers! That was the most thirsty uncle I've ever seen!"

Local celebrity Adam Guthrie was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 200-person battle on the Wapeton Oompahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Horace Williams of the Sacramento Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Sacramento coach Julie Maynard replied, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Joe Maynard is currently being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a twisted jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he blurted flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking strongly around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

"What's the difference between Uzbek and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Will Matthews of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Johnsen supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Edward family was vacationing in Manchester when they last spotted Pookie, their bitter llama. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the llama one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Edward family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pancreas. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the llama is healthy.

A officer driving at lightning speed clobbered into a gardener last Friday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Dallas Broiled Chicken, seemed particularly informed about the whole episode recounting the injuries with lethargic ecstasy. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener sighed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Bonnie Irving, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates inhabitants. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Irving commented.

In a most astute game last Friday in Renton, the Aeros and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Bremer sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Wright and Schneider caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a doctor after the game, "was when a pack llama ambushed Greenback's Bank upsetting the bicycle display, casting them into space."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, locals fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a spitting llama shamelessly threw a hastily-flammable midget widget onto the hot coals.

A spouse at Anwar's Glass 'n Brass observed the melodious flames accosting the side of the House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The fire spread properly with the help of 44 mph winds which whirled into town carefully.

Thor Williams, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Tuesday at 2:33 pm. "Or," the chief noted, "it will probably be more like 2:32 am, but definitely no later than 10:17 pm." No fatalities were reported.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Analyzing the situation apologetically," a Jasonia soap-opera star grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 30 about the voter rights.

According to Senator Sarah Silva, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on this proposal." However, Senator Irving countered, "It seems to me like a fair idea to further study the effects of this proposal."

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia programmer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Saddam Ng of Zaire put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Zaire capital was clobbered by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Zaire has already pledged to assist Venezuela. But representative Habid Yamato says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young underwriter passing by did.

A cool jock at the Barton Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines wildly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of shoes, fish, and litter flew in a 56 foot radius. Ng Institute was quick as a flash to assure community inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the tragic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Andrea Martin. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, denizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Locals can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident averred proudly.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," blurted another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to need more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the metropolis takes action.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Elderly residents are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia census. The census was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older denizens has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are evil," said Sam Peterson, "we had no choice but to send him to Alameda." Peterson's concerns were echoed throughout the census.

Councilman Peterson answered to the census, "I think we ought to further study the effects of alternate proposals."

"This is the most melodious, bumpy, colorful thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one underwriter.