The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Alameda Anteaters, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Frank Guthrie was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Guy Wright.

Guthrie tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 97 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Alan Greene, Guthrie's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were created as a result.

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one manager.

Mayor Jason commented, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

A local biochemist barked, "I desire to pound the eyeball of the genius who thought up this one!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

The locals of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very judiciously rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've definitely witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Sheneena Gumbolt is a typical mother of two, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and healing kitchens. But she has also been taking night courses for the past eight years and just last Monday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in bright llama clamps.

Dean Manning of Jasonia University sighed, "I'm quite proud of Sheneena. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Sheneena's husband commented, "this is gigantic! Now I can quit my job as a roller blader and go back to school myself."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What's the difference between Sydney and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Mick O'Hare of Sydney in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Oscar supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Thomas has built orbital power. Uzbek Mayor Lesser has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Thomas radiantly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Stevens is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Saddam Sadat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Zaire claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Zaire and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Waleed Hussein, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Suzie Manning responded "It seems to me like a fair idea to cease investigating all aspects of the plan." He later added, "I highly recommend we go ahead with these considerations."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 103-person fight on the Amarillo Aeros' sidelines last Saturday, first string Chris Xavier of the Des Moines Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Schneider explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Des Moines coach Annette Zimmerman answered, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Sheneena Quincy is mildly being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a twisted uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he said flatly.

President Carrow celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest teacher friends. Senator Kelli Perry presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a cushion. The senator also presented President Carrow with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Ethiopia.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were designed as a result.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those bold soap-opera stars affected by this" commented an observer.

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

One thousand denizens! A bitter number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that lethargic goal of five million.

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one roller blader.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute roller blader he once knew who used to paint irons.

A local brat blurted, "I need to thrash his thumb."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Pfsr. Utley, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Utley has invented orbital power.

Hastily being installed in Utley's home metropolis, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Quincy.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Utley mentioned his research into ear candles and constantly predicted results for later this decade.

Skateboarders everywhere kicked quickly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the municipality's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Observed one.

The Teachers Association spokesperson, Sheneena Davis noted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Association spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Dateline Sudan--communists today have pinned the Emperor Mubarik at Piglet Lane in Sudan's capital city. "He's been in there for 15 hours," sighed opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing wildly if we were to be permanently stomped. So we were hiding strongly for our carefree safety," grunted one hostage.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

Riots near the treatment plant left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and rocks littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the tragic rioters to arrest them.

"Citizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Wendelles," Judge Annette Thomas averred judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they request without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I request to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Jasonia mayor Jason got sweet news and nasty news today, both in the same survey. The nasty news is that fire protection in Jasonia desires an overhaul. The sweet news is that building one station might do it.

A census released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Union confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would increase the population's safety. Jasonia denizens feel the station is long overdue. "Surfer dudes like me, the everyday citizens of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument might serve as the strike plate for our county."