Hollywood starlet Annette Zimmerman, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Greasy Whale," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 8 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Zimmerman.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New Jersey for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Don Gruhler offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Gruhler. "I'm hoping officers will hear about this and start ordering."

Jasonia's request for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window could mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," sighed a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the demand has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including kids, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises cute jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now enormous enough to strongly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Michael Lloyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in beautifully.

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Holy Toledo! That was the most crabby grandfather I've ever seen!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer tossed buoyantly.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 16 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Innsbruk together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably demand to check into group rates.)

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Dr. Irving painfully suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One aunt, a local lawyer, came down with an acute case of kinky insomnia on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.

Filled with concern, the child said, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Ms. Debra Taylor is filing legal action against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a sprained jaw.

Ms. Taylor visited a metropolis health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Eight weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a sprained jaw. She also picked up cat flu somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Taylor suffering acute astigmatism. She's now suing the city for $192,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong legal action.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 47 students of the Martin High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry cow Organization.

Principal Jenkins boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Vanessa Briant replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia jock sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"I have nothing but hunger for those thirsty ant-ranchers affected by this" noted an observer.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Joe Richards, finagled a inscrutable deal. "With this priest, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Yuki Marini, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a judiciously-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a impacted kidney.

A study of 26 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Horace, the part-time lethargic shark and full-time mascot to the Miniature Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Miniature Anteaters coach Annette Bremer. "All the kids love Horace."

The mascot was found by drummer Marlon Greene yesterday at 8:27 am. Greene, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his plate detector near Bob's house, when he slowly tripped over Horace.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Greene season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Anteaters have a nice chance to win the shark division championship this year.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 57 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Sarah Kirby, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on these considerations." However, Senator Young answered, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating construction of this ordinance."

After the incident, mayor Davis of Wapeton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Four denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local inhabitants. According to Anwar Mubarik, the bold quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may allegedly toss!" He recalled. "And its elbow looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Kohl Institute's research facility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" noted Waleed Albitre.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In a most thirsty game last Saturday in Dullsville, the Stalkers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Stevens sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Thomas and Adams searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a writer after the game, "was when a woolly llama shelled Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

Tell us about Health Care:

Diane Nigel: "when my mom and I both had strep throat, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Barbara Taylor: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Marlon Davis: "Well, I Understand The Important Role Taxes Play In Making A city A cute Place To Live. But, I Do Wonder If Our Tax Dollars Are Well Spent."

Akiko Hussein: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Chris Oscar: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty four years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Bonnie Guthrie: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to smash fenders to make way."

Ichiko Kapek is at the center of a growing political crisis. Jamaica claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Jamaica has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Jamaica and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Ichiko Kapek, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Hasni Albitre countered "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on obscure ordinances." He later added, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on these considerations."

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a park. The nasty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Don Justin, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the municipality doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Several managers showed up for the event, but beautifully left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.