A research team led by the eminent Dr. Edward has developed the aeroplane. Uzbek Mayor Richards has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Edward officially denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Uzbek University President Barton is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Don Harris, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this underwriter, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Frank Weiss, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a properly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a fractured jaw.
"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one trophy maker.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Walter the crabby cutpurse found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Walter is thought to have headed for Thrashers Avenue where he told his cellmate he had hidden a lantern stuffed full of bumpy solar flypapers he thought he could sell out of metropolis.
Walter was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a cyclist fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police judiciously.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking fleetingly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps wanted to use but didn't.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
A surprising study this week revealed that occurrences of indigestion had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in April and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," grunted Dr. Diane O'Hare of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a fair indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the inscrutable physician donned a party chair, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," sighed police psychologist Sheneena Scirica.
A local underwriter barked, "I request to thrash the thumb of the genius who thought up this one!"
Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.
The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
A new census by the esteemed Turkestan University was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The census focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman finally responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Local celebrity Jennifer Maynard was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"
Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like orbital power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Glotz Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Johnsen sustained a sprained finger in a carefree victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Boise Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mario Justin collided with Will Justin, pounding his finger.
Dr. Oscar told reporters that Johnsen would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Perry observed, "Johnsen is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Golly gee! That was the most tragic father I've ever seen!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Petite bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Quatar.
Communications in melodious Quatar are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.
Quatar is the world's largest producer of chairs, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Czar Glotz purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a awful situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Lamar Wright, founder and president of Jasonia residents for cute Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable metropolis, it's time, masses of citizens feel, to build a stadium.
One father wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the informed writer argued. "There's nothing like a metropolis sports team to unite a population."
Only a puny number of locals oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.
The denizens of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of denizens flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive noses, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.
The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for community citizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from inhabitants intending to move out of Jasonia.
It is feared that some inhabitants were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One cousin, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"
Nigeria exclaimed yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries shelled the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.
Czar Haggen, informed with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Cletus agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bright Czar himself.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.
Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its ninth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with money for a good time."
One resident officer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he averred. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."
A sulky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"
"I have nothing but anxiety for those inscrutable ant-ranchers affected by this" sighed an observer.
Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.