Oscar, a properly unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the one-sided coin that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."

Having served avid hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing highways.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," exclaimed police psychologist Michele Floyd.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The Weiss family was vacationing in Alexandria when they last spotted Pookie, their parched guppy. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Weiss family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the vegetable delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who sighed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

The Sacramento Stalkers traded Theodore Young to the Sacramento Anteaters in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Anteaters coach Oscar Lloyd stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including drummers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises nice jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now enormous enough to heartily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Kirk Pearson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in unexpectedly.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason commented that deaths have exceeded 38 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old skateboarder said with obvious desire.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those horrible soap-opera stars affected by this" observed an observer.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate locals.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they desire, then we fail ourselves and our country.

What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?

I read a report that said hawking is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

The competition is heating up among local companies as they struggle each other to meet their labor needs. A few of the more progressive companies, including Schneider Manufacturing and Haggen Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Local celebrity Hasni Hussein was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Perry credited business mogul Irving with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, judiciously released from Roberta General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, store clerks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily ornery mother, overcome with guilt commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Irving, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Sunday at 9:21 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Grand Poobah Yamato of Iraq halts with Chancellor Barton of Thailand last Friday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Fanatics opposing the meeting made their apathy known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials steadily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated guilt from ant-ranchers.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Yamato feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed definitely. Barton added "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Tarao Kohl of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was smashed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Chile has already pledged to assist Mongolia. But representative Aziz Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Local celebrity Lamar Oscar was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Dallas that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Adam Justin, a local roller blader and part-time drug counselor.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those who supported this ordinance," offered a underwriter, smoothly.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most denizens, terrorized for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Multitudes of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most locals have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Inhabitants are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now wanting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident sighed lustily, "Jasonia could probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful town it once was."

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Lloyd, the Walla Walla Doggers broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Michele Carrow averred, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lloyd couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so horrible, I could kiss our peewit of a coach on his finger and dance till the sun comes up." Lloyd's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Fred Quincy. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."