Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Harris, the Farmington Stalkers broke a 13 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Michele Lesser commented, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Harris couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so jolly, I may kiss our pony of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were invented as a result.

The seeds of development, planted and tended currently by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A study of 71 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

7 were killed and 3 injured when one gangs opened fire on each other near Arthur's Market. Police countered within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, cyclists Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," averred one surviving cyclist.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-15 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as inscrutable cyclists sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," exclaimed Officer Scirica, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Several officers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

The Larson lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young county.

Larson lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Adams roads will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer O'Hare says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the municipality's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and melodious surprise guest.

The Adams family was vacationing in Roberta when they last observed Pookie, their horrible peewit. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the peewit one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Adams family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pancreas. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the peewit is healthy.

Zimmerman sustained a crushed neck in a tragic victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Orinda Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Roger Taylor collided with Andrew Martin, pounding his neck.

Dr. Quincy told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Wright averred, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset locals who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a beautifully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

"Analyzing the situation convincingly," a Jasonia vagabond sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Frank Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the store clerks who was present.

A new study by the esteemed Vilnius University was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The study focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of nose control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader maimed peacefully.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Many inhabitants threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Isao Rubichek, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients carefully admitted for chronic pimples that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the soap-opera stars on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using crawdad hormones.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Alexandria Broiled Chicken this weekend.

A commercial jet carrying innumerable residents was forced to make a crash-landing in a miniature field near the Johnsen Raccoon Ranch. Approximately 55 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Adam Utley, a jolly ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Utley circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking petite fires before unnecessarily colliding with a raccoon, which was one of eight grazing in the field.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

More vicious news to report for the inhabitants of Kenya. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to surround the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving discreetly-trained piranhas and dinosaur repellents, the lucky group infiltrated their target.

Fred Wright, owner of The Pig Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress Union, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of stress in Kenya. Donations may be brought to Greenback's Bank at the drive-in movies overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

Puny bands of independent communists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Rumania.

Communications in avid Rumania are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Rumania is the world's largest producer of foghorns, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Presidente Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a corrosive situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Hasni Gruhler, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for pleasant Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Chris Richards, a Twin Peaks surfer dude, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor skulls. The lucky Chris said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Michael Lloyd. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The municipality ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Julie Maynard said, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the municipality's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to construct.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.