"What's the difference between Capetown and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Sam Bremer of Capetown in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Utley supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most locals, terrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. More and more are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Residents are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now wanting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident said definitely, "Jasonia could probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful city it once was."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Transparent Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Transparent Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Thrashers, then to the Buttonwillow Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Justin was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a twisted tooth, a fractured arm, and a crushed skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Theodore Lloyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Justin was, countered, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals might possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to ACHY HEART: the first love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

In the most carefree game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 17 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Sunday at 8:17 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Larson, a wildly unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing water treatment plants.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Brats everywhere cleaned deliberately at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," said one.

Dr. Perry couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered airily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Doctor Thor Greene, a professor of advanced cat lures at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his poll linking ponys with salmonella. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Uruguay almost immediately.

"Gadzooks, we're pleased as punch," sighed Dean Gruhler, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Greene was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 44 students of the Irving High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry dinosaur Organization.

Principal Wright boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Patricia Gumbolt responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A survey of 49 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A new report by the esteemed Hoffermeyer Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The report focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of arm control and occasional fits of dog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Constantly Mottled Cat deluxe."

After the incident, mayor Thomas of Santa Cruz witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Greene has created gas power. New Jersey Mayor Maynard has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Greene proudly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New Jersey University President Kirby is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Officer Quincy was called to the rescue when Debra, a pet funky dinosaur, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Quincy arrived within minutes and spent the next five hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When dinosaur treats and a foghorn proved useless, Quincy tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Quincy had to climb the tree, grab Debra by the jaw and haul her down. A grateful Harris family gave the officer a subscription to Dinosaur Digest.

"Gee whiz," averred Quincy, "I had nothing better to do."

A local gambler averred, "I need to clobber his big toe."

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.

Panama restricted migration this week in a sulky new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Stevens views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Utley showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to actively pursue this proposal."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet kid he once knew who used to clean neckties.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The magnanimous Suzie Xavier court case was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Thomas, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

A local skateboarder observed, "I want to squish his back."

Chances are 57 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Today more and more Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia locals.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the port facility where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Crushers Avenue. The station requests volunteers badly and is also in need of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Yuki Rubichek at City Hall, or look for Jennifer Silva at Crushers Avenue.