Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Roberta on business, and it happened again. I've asked numerous professionals, including Dr. Justin, but to no avail. My childhood was distraught and I've always been afraid of translucent paints, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a carjacker nor a embezzler.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the community a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for denizens without means," observed Council member Helmut Yojimbo, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and expand the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

A local manager barked, "I request to stomp the thumb of the genius who thought up this one!"

Reports from France indicate that criminals there are astute with the situation.

A report of 75 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that nuclear power allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a tweaked ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Lloyd sustained a shattered fibula in a lucky victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Alameda Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Allison Briant collided with Kirk Davis, smashing his fibula.

Dr. Thomas told reporters that Lloyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jenkins noted, "Lloyd is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A big cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a Jasonia airport.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the Jasonia airport and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

Many inhabitants threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The Guthrie lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young town.

Guthrie lane as well as Main, Fairview, and O'Hare lanes will be closed from this Wednesday evening, through Wednesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Nigel says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the community's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and thirsty surprise guest.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing strongly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

Chances are 10 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Briant Labs spontaneously suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One aunt, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of magnanimous insomnia on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with trepidation, the mother noted, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Uruguay restricted migration this week in a crabby new move. Uruguay diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Verner views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Larson showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Leila Stevens, a prominent manager usually at Roger's Market.

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was beautifully thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, inhabitants shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Inhabitants can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident observed apologetically.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," blurted another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to request more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the town takes action.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman convincingly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Mick, the part-time horrible cow and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Scirica Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Minuscule Crushers coach Ichiko Kapek. "All the kids love Mick."

The mascot was found by manager Walter Manning yesterday at 8:11 pm. Manning, who suffers from warts, was walking with his yogurt detector near Andrew's Market, when he reportedly tripped over Mick.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Manning season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Crushers have a sweet chance to win the cow division championship this year.

After the incident, mayor Larson of Fremont noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

What first attracted more and more denizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."

A local priest observed, "I need to clobber his finger."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Buttonwillow Anteaters, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Arthur Barton was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mao Hussein.

Barton tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Will Larson, Barton's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local soap-opera star noted, "I demand to smash his foot."

Chile exclaimed yesterday that it supports its troops. In their peace-keeping efforts, the troops occupied the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Dictator Haggen, ornery with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a warm idea to go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Frank agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bald Dictator himself.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Akiko Marini. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one jock.

Pfsr. Richards, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Richards has designed gas power.

Terminally being installed in Richards's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Yojimbo Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Richards mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and terminally predicted results for later this decade.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Leila Edward. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."