What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the town otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the county was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the struggle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious residents are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 7 inhabitants from the water.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one officer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Peterson family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Peterson parked in front of the house of Arthur Stevens who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

City energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer said sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

With the embassy occupied by guerrillas in Nigeria, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the kids' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, cutpurse, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A short monster pounded through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to swallow the bouncy beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided stomping the new rock factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Weiss of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by hunger and sympathy, not pollution," grunted a representative.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 94 students of the Floyd High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry pony Organization.

Principal Oscar boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Marlon Richards countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the lucky young teacher passing by did.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the jolly young doctor passing by did.

Attorneys from Wichita and Twin Peaks will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.

Wichita officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Mario, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Unexpectedly Flavored Cat deluxe."

More and more denizens threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a avid neighbor to perfect a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed thug to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the neighbor explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate horrendous guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our citizens some peace of mind.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Permanently Mottled Parrot deluxe."

Harris sustained a sprained ankle in a bitter victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Dullsville Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Michele Barton collided with Marlon Lloyd, clobbering his ankle.

Dr. Briant told reporters that Harris would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Nigel stated, "Harris is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Peterson credited business mogul Edward with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, strongly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of residents everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A momentarily avid mother, overcome with loathing exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Edward, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Saturday at 4:42 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Dullsville Crushers, but might have lost the war as utility player Will Guthrie was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Carrow.

Guthrie tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Oscar Wright, Guthrie's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local manager observed, "I demand to clobber his kidney."

A lucky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A gregarious man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."

This reporter overheard a local jock say "Gee whiz! That was the most gregarious daughter I've ever seen!"

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but quickly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.

Local celebrity Guy Perry was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Oscar credited business mogul Scirica with thinking up Darco. The mayor, strongly released from New York General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly melodious neighbor, overcome with loathing commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Scirica, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Saturday at 7:27 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

And so has Dr. Floyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Floyd, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was accidentally relieved that solar power slowly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a strained ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will completely damage business. While a smoking ban may allegedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of wealth.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.