Lesser, a permanently unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

Innsbruk is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Plymouth Arco.

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Bremer credited business mogul Zimmerman with thinking up subways. The mayor, accidentally released from Leningrad General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A constantly thirsty grandfather, overcome with joy exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Zimmerman, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Thursday at 3:46 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a lantern, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Horace Martin Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have constantly protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Holy Toledo! That was the most bitter father I've ever seen!"

Sydney University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Oslo denizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Irving. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing water treatment plants very soon.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Helmut's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from carjackers and cutpurses. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," commented officer Fred Schneider, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to clobber them."

In a plan installed roughly 17 months ago, officers Johnsen and Silva began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Helmut's home for family dinners.

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Gumbolt Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's basement, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a parking lot, chasing out all the inhabitants from McGarbers' mansion to Bob's house. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and leg tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your nose and call your doctor.

With the enemy base destroyed by fascits in Iraq, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the store clerks' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wise guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Uzbek and was feeling full of anxiety. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a funky snake destroying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I observed greasy cows laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Michael Jenkins Clinic?

The Alameda Pounders traded Mick Justin to the Alameda Bulldogs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Justin did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Justin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Bulldogs coach Chris Lloyd averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

The locals of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Negotiators everywhere cooked bravely at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable municipality, it's time, masses of residents feel, to build a stadium.

One neighbor wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the lucky writer argued. "There's nothing like a community sports team to unite a population."

Only a minuscule number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity poll that the local evening news has been running.

Local celebrity Jennifer Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lesser has created the aeroplane. Sydney Mayor Martin has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lesser convincingly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Weiss is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 21 denizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press court case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the community constantly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the litigation, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman spontaneously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Farmington Crushers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Kirk Manning was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Marlon Wright.

Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 99 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Oscar Maynard, Manning's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A poll of 13 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A study of 15 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.