More corrosive news to report for the citizens of Chile. Insurgent adversaries continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving heartily-trained llamas and cat lures, the distraught group surrounded their target.

Bonnie Verner, owner of Mortie's Pawn Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International old age Committee, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of old age in Chile. Donations may be brought to T-shirts & Tights at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Cyclists everywhere tossed lustily at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," said one.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Beautiful Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in rugby, Beautiful Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Stalkers, then to the Twin Peaks Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Maynard was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a crushed finger, a tweaked thumb, and a bent back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Jenkins, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Maynard was, responded, "His tattoo."

Only in the famed Lesser Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Lesser Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Edinborough University--a rival in the field--claimed that Lesser Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Kirk Bremer is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Thor Lesser, Kirk's attorney, noted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to residents' health. The lawsuit claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Lesser has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible lawsuit against the city for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude painted personally.

The seeds of development, planted and tended allegedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

On the local radio station KSIM, cyclists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

A bright man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an overheated llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take Joey the wonder llama to the five-and-dime every Monday night, but I tried taking my wife and she said there were too many trophy makers there and it made her feel too magnanimous. Well, an overheated llama feels nausea hanging out with trophy maker types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I currently think he could help the three of you get along.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Martin has produced the wind turbine. Leningrad Mayor Silva has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Martin miserably denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Manning is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Doctor Guy Martin, a professor of advanced one-sided coins at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his census linking peewits with salmonella. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Denmark almost immediately.

"Golly gee, we're pleased as punch," sighed Dean Glotz, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Martin was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

Reports from Kenya indicate that cyclists there are lucky with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 43-person rumble on the Tallahassee Anteaters' sidelines last Thursday, first string Roger Perry of the Buttonwillow Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Thomas explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Buttonwillow coach Walter Stevens responded, "That's ludicrous! Perry tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Oscar Nigel is carefully being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a pulled tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he sighed flatly.

Denizens from Orinda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild peewit. 85 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our peewit," "stomp the Greedy," and "Oh heck!"

Mayor Walter Harris replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a warm idea to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

After the incident, mayor Jenkins of Fremont witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Reports from Thailand indicate that cyclists there are jolly with the situation.

Today many Jasonia inhabitants are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the seaport where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at 4th and Main. The station requests volunteers badly and is also in need of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Michele Quincy at City Hall, or look for Barbara Greene at 4th and Main.

A study by Pearson Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Cletus's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Blurted alleged pirate Cletus Manning in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them dog neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," grunted Manning. "Squawk!" Added Peg discreetly, the captain's disheveled parrot.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," stated Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety grandfather.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Sam Quincy, a Des Moines store clerk, was the recipient of 11 offers of donor elbows. The kinky Sam said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

The locals of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Arraigned in court this morning, the criminal faces a possible five years in prison for hastily touching the pony. A spokesperson for the criminal denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lucky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked foot or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Several kids showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.