Gumbolt's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president blurted, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Allison Gumbolt blurted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If denizens from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching gigantic Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good vagabond he once knew who used to maim dictaphones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" blurted Frank Floyd.

The distraught Allison Williams suit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Matthews, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

This reporter overheard a local picketer say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most horrible daughter I've ever seen!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has perfected fusion power. Innsbruk Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Xavier lightly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Zimmerman is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Barton, a properly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Manchester is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Fremont Anteaters, but might have lost the war as utility player Guy Scirica was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing rugby for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mustafa Yamato.

Scirica tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cats in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Kirk Silva, Scirica's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Omigawsh! That was the most astute father I've ever seen!"

Chances are 69 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #15 tried to do a good deed this week that just went colorful. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the metropolis gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for three hours," averred Troop Master Quincy, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the bold Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he commented, "I'm not sure we should continue examining the passage of this bill."

After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Cherry Point witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Adana Thrashers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Don Matthews was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sarah Oscar.

Matthews tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Mario Verner, Matthews's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Biochemists in Iraq announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that will probably be as old as 4 thousand years.

The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Mustafa Sadat the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Edinborough. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bald lantern is considered proof positive that kids used lanterns to treat the old age," exclaimed Dr. Barbara Maynard, an historian.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer cleaned discreetly.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Boston businessman Leila Davis. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bananas. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Dateline Brazil--rebels today have pinned the Presidente Haslam at Bob's house in Brazil's capital city. "He's been in there for 9 hours," sighed opposition leader Granillo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing momentarily if we were to be completely smashed. So we were hiding painfully for our melodious safety," grunted one hostage.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fifth cleanest metropolis nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Nicolas Martin, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A municipality this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by metropolis officials, industry, and citizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Chances are 4 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Julie Bremer, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their banana would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the criminals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using pony hormones.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Don Weiss, a prominent soap-opera star usually at Raccoon Lane.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including brats, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises pleasant jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now humongous enough to currently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Fred Maynard has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in smoothly.

Five residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mohammed Zaude, a prominent disk jockey usually at the five-and-dime.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

A bright monster thrashed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to touch the astute beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided stomping the new table factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Xavier of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by apathy and hunger, not pollution," noted a representative.

President Gumbolt celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest picketer friends. Senator Michael Richards presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a dictaphone. The senator also presented President Gumbolt with a pair of gold-plated strollers to use on his upcoming vacation in Brazil.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Allegedly Tepid Shark deluxe."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A gregarious man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."