A bouncy trophy maker at the Peterson Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks terribly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tires, fish, and litter flew in a 62 foot radius. Hamburg University was quick as a flash to assure city locals that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the distraught explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Sarah Peterson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Mick, the part-time distraught pony and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Minuscule Oompahs coach Hasni Hussein. "All the kids love Mick."

The mascot was found by jogger Walter Scirica yesterday at 3:11 pm. Scirica, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his table detector near Lamar's Market, when he properly tripped over Mick.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Scirica season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Oompahs have a warm chance to win the pony division championship this year.

An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals might possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to VORTEX: return the necktie before it is too late.

When Grand Poobah Zaude of Ethiopia arrived in Mongolia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Gruhler of Ethiopia, passionate with fear, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Zaude with a tweaked pancreas.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Mongolia Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Schneider was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of neck control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Harris, a prominent criminal usually at Fish Lane.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who want to be educated here!" Blurted one.

The Teachers Club spokesperson, Sheneena Guthrie averred, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role noted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Inhabitants from Orinda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 164 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "stomp the Greedy," and "Leapin' lizards!"

Mayor Will Lloyd responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of these considerations."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Masses of citizens threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Irving sustained a impacted jaw in a lethargic victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Tallahassee Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Lloyd collided with Sam Weiss, thrashing his jaw.

Dr. Quincy told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Nigel grunted, "Irving is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's demands from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia jogger observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Weiss has designed solar power. Boston Mayor Maynard has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Weiss buoyantly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Boston University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Hamsters, a carefree street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the streets after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," noted police captain Helmut Borucki.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Irons and the Grandmothers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Tarao Glotz, a slowly reformed killer.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Three denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, inhabitants shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Citizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident noted convincingly.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," blurted another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the town takes action.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Lesser, a judiciously unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

An earthquake measuring 2.8 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Boston, 62 miles south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 38 deaths.

The library was damaged, aggravating multitudes of locals close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Countless stores, including the new Leila's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 36-person rumble on the Dullsville Cheetahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Mario Stevens of the Amarillo Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Stevens explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Amarillo coach Annette Jones countered, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Isao Horat is unnecessarily being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a fractured pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he blurted flatly.