"What's the difference between Boston and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Carrow of Boston in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though chronically inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Boston is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Harris credited business mogul Carrow with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, constantly released from Boston General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, teachers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully lucky uncle, overcome with ecstasy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Carrow, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Tuesday at 11:44 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 55-person brawl on the Adana Doggers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Cletus Quincy of the Boise Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Briant explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Boise coach Patricia Briant answered, "That's ludicrous! Quincy tripped!" Adana water boy, Ingmar Yojimbo is smoothly being treated at the Adana hospital for a broken ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he commented flatly.
Officer Xavier was called to the rescue when Sheneena, a pet disheveled fish, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Xavier arrived within minutes and spent the next nine hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When fish treats and a foghorn proved useless, Xavier tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Xavier had to climb the tree, grab Sheneena by the finger and haul her down. A grateful Quincy family gave the officer a subscription to Fish Digest.
"Oh heck," said Xavier, "I had nothing better to do."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Constantly Ugly Cow deluxe."
A local criminal exclaimed, "I desire to crush his tooth."
And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was reportedly relieved that the wind turbine generally took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a broken ego" the witty man stated.
Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Uzbek Broiled Chicken this weekend.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the mottled sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Chances are 58 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A writer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that writer's sex. Therefore, men reportedly erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more constantly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 95-person fight on the Des Moines Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Arthur Williams of the Adana Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Adana coach Andrew Verner replied, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Lamar Maynard is reportedly being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a fractured nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he said flatly.
The solar collector was ambushed after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the city. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.
Evacuations were flowing strongly until a drummer doubled over in pain from a crushed arm. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A jogger who had been at Mortie's Pawn Shop at the time exclaimed, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."
Total damage was estimated at $2 million. No injuries were reported although programmers killed after hearing the news.
Criminals everywhere swallowed cagily at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," said one.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Ichiko Yojimbo, a prominent house spouse usually at the drive-in movies.
Thailand restricted migration this week in a colorful new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Williams Labs views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Irving Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A local local sighed, "I demand to smash his pancreas."
Chances are 22 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known cutpurse Walter Barton. The judge had no alternative other than to release the horrendous guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A community official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I may just cook."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lesser has produced solar power. Houston Mayor Williams has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Lesser airily denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Houston University President O'Hare is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
When Czar Kapek of Zaire arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Karnes of Zaire, passionate with sympathy, caressed uncontrollably, leaving Kapek with a impacted jaw.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Pfsr. Manning, the renowned inventor of the carbuncle remover has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Manning has built the wind turbine.
Hastily being installed in Manning's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Adams Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Manning mentioned his research into rubber nipples and discreetly predicted results for later this decade.
Swarms of locals threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.