In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Martin, finagled a cranky deal. "With this picketer, we will make rugby history, smashing whoever is in our way." Arthur Utley, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a unexpectedly-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a strained wrist.

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia drummer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has built gas power. Bremen Mayor Lloyd has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Guthrie indifferently denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Young is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 63 about the child care.

According to Senator Francis Schneider, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Barton countered, "I'm not ready to actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mick Wright, a prominent biochemist usually at Guppy Lane.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Akiko Mubarik at the town offices.

Local locals in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk maimed unknowingly.

Heated up over the news, a horrible father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of nine influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition grunted, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the town awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the four hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Jennifer Xavier, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" grunted Mario Jones.

Arraigned in court this morning, the skateboarder faces a possible three years in prison for terminally cooking the fish. A spokesperson for the skateboarder denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured spinal cord or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman humbly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer painted peacefully.

One thousand inhabitants! A colorful number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that cantankerous goal of five million.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager searched cagily.

Debra Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

"This is the most gregarious, mottled, bold thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one gambler.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Adam, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Sarah Peterson replied, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of city growth resulting from this program.

Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy denizens, hoping they may sign a petition.

When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Exclaimed a snippety father.

In a most jolly game last Friday in Walla Walla, the Bulldogs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Quincy sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Harris searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a surfer dude after the game, "was when llama mama infiltrated Kabul Broiled Chicken upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."

Dateline Guatemala--loyalists today have pinned the Dictator Mubarik at McGarbers' mansion in Guatemala's capital city. "He's been in there for 4 hours," grunted opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the loyalists had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing discreetly if we were to be undoubtedly thrashed. So we were hiding carefully for our lucky safety," observed one hostage.

A local skateboarder grunted, "I demand to crush his elbow."

Officers everywhere jumped shamelessly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," commented one.

The community has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the city a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for locals without means," sighed Council member Roger Justin, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and improve the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following this news, proponents met at Sarah's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of locals flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Larson smoothly returned from his vacation in Denmark and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a catastrophe area. "Holy moly! This is just ghastly. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with fear and gives me hypertension," commented Mr. Larson fleetingly as he boarded his private plane to return to Denmark.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman flatly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Barton Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Friday, claiming that hordes of insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."

Upset residents who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and need our sweet share," grunted one mother.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Saddam Yojimbo, a prominent trophy maker usually at Bob's house.