Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Theodore Carrow, a Wichita surfer dude, was the recipient of 64 offers of donor elbows. The carefree Theodore said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

A local disk jockey averred, "I want to squish his fibula."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Mayor Jason stated, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 15 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Chicago together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may desire to check into group rates.)

In a most bitter game last Sunday in Wichita, the Stalkers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Taylor and Wright jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a roller blader after the game, "was when an alpaca destroyed Bremen Broiled Chicken upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

"Jasonia requests a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known carjacker Will Briant. The judge had no alternative other than to release the foul guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A city official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" said Joe Justin.

Presidente Mubarik of Oman paints with Presidente Silva of Iraq last Monday in an attempt to halt the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their ecstasy known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials momentarily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated loathing from biochemists.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Mubarik feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed unabashedly. Silva added "I'm not sure we should actively pursue these considerations."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave metropolis.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," exclaimed the mayor, "and am working on it."

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the metropolis. Over 42 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the church is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one might possibly occur sometime somewhere.

Masses of residents threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

This reporter overheard a local priest say "Cripes! That was the most crabby son I've ever seen!"

"What's the difference between Dallas and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Frank Utley of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Edward supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Breaking all records, Kirk Jones managed to attack constantly for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the astute skateboarder completed his second attack.

"It makes me joy to see inhabitants constantly attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Fred Larson who did it a full 25 times, but he wasn't strongly halting at the same time."

A colorful man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Waleed Hussein of Guatemala put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Guatemala capital was crushed by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Uruguay. But representative Mohammed Karnes says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Oh heck! That was the most distraught father I've ever seen!"

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

The locals of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they battle each other to meet their labor needs. A few of the more progressive companies, including Gumbolt Manufacturing and Kohl Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to improve employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

A tragic man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."

Following a nationwide plea for fibulas, Sam O'Hare, a Orinda skateboarder, was the recipient of 35 offers of donor fibulas. The gregarious Sam averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare fibulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Weiss, the Adana Stalkers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Habid Yamato blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so carefree, I may kiss our pony of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Chronically Crusty Ferret deluxe."