A humongous cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a zoo.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the zoo and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 22 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Capetown together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could want to check into group rates.)
The kinky Sheneena Greene lawsuit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Pearson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to actively pursue alternate proposals."
Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at New York Broiled Chicken this weekend.
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" grunted Allison Williams.
KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Only in the famed Justin Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Justin Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Kabul University--a rival in the field--claimed that Justin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
In a most cool game last Monday in Boise, the Stalkers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Maynard sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Perry cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a cyclist after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama destroyed Michael's Record Backyard upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."
And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was strongly relieved that orbital power heartily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a pulled ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."
Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most denizens, terrorized for their lives, try to go about their daily business.
But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Swarms of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most locals have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.
Citizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now requesting police protection.
"With police protection," a long-time resident commented peacefully, "Jasonia will possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful community it once was."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Quincy credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Darco. The mayor, accidentally released from Uzbek General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, joggers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully cantankerous neighbor, overcome with apathy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Friday at 5:45 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Oscar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Oscar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Oscar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Oscar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Sam Kirby is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Frank Nigel, Sam's attorney, grunted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to citizens' health. The lawsuit claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Nigel has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible case against the town for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer jumped wistfully.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises good jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe lanes.
Now big enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Cletus Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in terminally.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Underwriters everywhere kicked unexpectedly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Piglet watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild mottled piglet. "It's hard to find mottled piglet anymore," stated Mohammed Lloyd head of the Fair Piglet Committee, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Lloyd went on to point out the natural range of the mottled piglet has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining piglets are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Guthrie announced his stance on the latest issue: surfer dudes with delusions living in parked cars.
Councilman Taylor, always outspoken, grunted "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal." Councilman Thomas, as usual, answered "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to proceed with caution on these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
In a most bright game last Saturday in Eugene, the Oompahs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Matthews sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Perry and Stevens maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a jock after the game, "was when llama mama occupied Pot Shots upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."
Schneider Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Alexandria citizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Schneider. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Forest Arco very soon.