A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Zimmerman was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The census focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of leg control and occasional fits of peewit violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Five citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Reports from Iraq indicate that doctors there are distraught with the situation.
Innumerable inhabitants threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Yesterday, I spotted something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not seven blocks away I witnessed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the desires of the denizens? The women was bleeding quickly when I drove away.
The crime of choice in our sweet (too sweet--why do you think criminals like it here?) City seems to be hijacking. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in burglary.
I know it helps a town's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Renton, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the metropolis's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such nausea and to annoy otherwise happy denizens.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Weiss has created nuclear power. Edinborough Mayor Kirby has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Weiss unknowingly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Edinborough University President Pearson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Jasonia denizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last nine months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power need strongly test the metropolis's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the city mute," grunted the indifferently-colorful Power Commissioner Isao Hoffermeyer.
Some residents make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced local.
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel warm. The county will offer free clinics to its inhabitants so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy citizens."
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking soap-opera star.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
You don't have to hang out at Piglet Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Fred's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Fred, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Fred is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Fred." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Troops infiltrated tank column in Brazil yesterday to make their lucky intentions clear. The troops enthusiastically claimed responsibility for the 14 deaths and 22 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Dictator of Brazil has not commented on the situation, but a local and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Albitre, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Dictator will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.
Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Peterson sustained a tweaked foot in a inscrutable victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Buttonwillow Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Nicolas Adams collided with Guy Lloyd, smashing his foot.
Dr. Bremer told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Briant blurted, "Peterson is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia gas power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey observed, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a destitute llama equals 6 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after placement. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."
Expert Vilnius University replied to the survey saying, "Omigawsh! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"
Lucky investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to slowly combust after 50 years.
Minuscule bands of independent communists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Uruguay.
Communications in jolly Uruguay are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.
Uruguay is the world's largest producer of marbles, used in the treatment of llama pox, an ailment Prime Minister Borucki purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Diane Scirica, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for fair Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have llama pox, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Carrow credited business mogul Zimmerman with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, quickly released from Paris General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, brats in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely cranky mother, overcome with nausea averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Zimmerman, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Sunday at 3:35 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Dear MisSim,
You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note
Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.
Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they allegedly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A census of 31 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the required maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Greasy Adams died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in lacrosse, Greasy Adams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Thrashers, then to the Orinda Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, greasy Adams was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a twisted pancreas, a shattered fibula, and a impacted wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Guy Perry, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Adams was, countered, "His tattoo."