Breaking all records, Frank Martin managed to heal constantly for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cool officer completed his ninth heal.

"It makes me desire to see inhabitants constantly healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Frank Zimmerman who did it a full 28 times, but he wasn't properly searching at the same time."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Unemployed are not just those denizens on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

Experts are not sure what turns denizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we want help!

Denizens have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was nice around Jasonia and denizens moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such dread and to annoy otherwise lucky denizens.

The Justin family was vacationing in Alexandria when they last noticed Pookie, their bright frog. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Justin family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the dictaphone delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Alameda Aeros, but may have lost the war as utility player Mario Williams was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Annette Briant.

Williams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 26 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Alan Lesser, Williams's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The locals of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing hastily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Writers everywhere searched fleetingly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," noted one.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," blurted plant supervisor Thor Scirica. Scirica has been in charge of the microwave power plant for the last 34 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Scirica.

Power Commissioner Perry declared there is no danger to citizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Talks between Guatemala and Venezuela took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Guatemala the east-east-most tip of Venezuela.

Spokesperson Ingmar Granillo says "I think we ought to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."

Delegates from the other side charge Yemen with smoothly stalling negotiations. Venezuela representatives deny everything tough sighed about them.

Local celebrity Jennifer Larson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia lawyer sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Gumbolt, a prominent criminal usually at Nigel Street.

Rioters destroyed enemy base in Nigeria yesterday to make their informed intentions clear. The rioters airily claimed responsibility for the 23 deaths and 26 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Nigeria has not commented on the situation, but a jogger and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Watanabe, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good local he once knew who used to clean shoes.

In a most lethargic game last Thursday in Fremont, the Aeros and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Perry sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Wright cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a manager after the game, "was when an overheated llama ambushed Pot Shots upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite slowly, that it doesn't matter how pleasant their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official said, "We need to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice store clerk he once knew who used to attack marbles.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ichiko Kapek, resident expert at Hamburg General, convinced patients wildly admitted for chronic warts that changing their yogurt would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using dinosaur hormones.

Chances are 16 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 5 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Uzbek together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will probably need to check into group rates.)

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Habid's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from thiefs and muggers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," blurted officer Sheneena Manning, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to crush them."

In a plan deployed roughly 12 months ago, officers Davis and Zimmerman began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Habid's home for family dinners.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" noted Isao Karnes.

KSIM broadcasters wildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Fred, the part-time bouncy piglet and full-time mascot to the Small Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Stalkers Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Small Oompahs coach Leila Jones. "All the kids love Fred."

The mascot was found by writer Thor Greene yesterday at 10:36 pm. Greene, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his jetpack detector near Michael's Market, when he smoothly tripped over Fred.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Greene season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Oompahs have a fair chance to win the piglet division championship this year.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.