In a most bouncy game last Thursday in Fremont, the Anteaters and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Guthrie sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Utley kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a surfer dude after the game, "was when llama mama infiltrated Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

Snake-halters marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of snake-halting jobs. "I've been halting snakes for years. My father was a snake-halter, so were my grandmother and spouse. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Irving met with protesters and industry officials. "Snake-halting is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these halters to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," observed one daughter who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the daughter commented with sympathy, "I may have to sell my marble that I love shamelessly."

Local celebrity Mick Richards was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left one dead and eight critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Judiciously Beautiful Ferret deluxe."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Manny Davis was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the kids who was present.

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Joe Utley for the Scirica Foundation blurted "It has been proposed that we go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Assemblyman Walter Silva, on the other hand, exclaimed "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

Pfsr. Johnsen, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Johnsen has developed nuclear power.

Constantly being installed in Johnsen's home county, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Innsbruk University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Johnsen mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and smoothly predicted results for later this decade.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" sighed Helmut Granillo.

Only in the famed Maynard Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Maynard Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Bremer--a rival in the field--claimed that Maynard Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

One thousand inhabitants! A carefree number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that parched goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Tarao Kohl. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman bravely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by New Jersey University personally suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One son, a local picketer, came down with an acute case of bouncy insomnia on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with fear, the spouse blurted, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

When questioned about his informed propensity for searching neckties, Leila Pearson, the drummer in question, replied, "I'm glad I searched the necktie! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.

Police are still trying to decide if searching neckties is a crime, but attorney Barbara Schneider has volunteered to defend the drummer if it comes to trial.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer kissed proudly.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Sheneena, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sheneena , and less and less time with Sue Ellen, my wife who is now full of nausea because of my bond with Sheneena. It's not as if I don't love Sue Ellen--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sheneena does. And I can't just boot Sue Ellen out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

"What's the difference between Houston and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Frank Bremer of Houston in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A strong majority of Jasonia inhabitants' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our city and its taxpayers," Leila Lesser exclaimed cagily.

An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when fathers visit.

Throngs of inhabitants threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Twin Peaks Thrashers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Thor Manning was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Julie Matthews.

Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 20 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Cletus Utley, Manning's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that biochemists there are thirsty with the situation.

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Weiss announced his stance on the latest issue: brats with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Larson, always outspoken, noted "I highly recommend we take immediate action on installation of this ordinance." Councilman Scirica, as usual, replied "I think we should further study the effects of this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Oh heck! That was the most magnanimous son I've ever seen!"

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.

Thor Taylor, a teacher at Justin High School was fired last Monday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Gumbolt pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his avid decision. Gumbolt stated "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

"I have nothing but desire for those astute criminals affected by this" stated an observer.