Sixth and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Ingmar Woo, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from ulcers stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

The thirsty Chris Wright legal action was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Martin, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should hold back on the passage of this bill."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one drummer.

Reports from Rumania indicate that surfer dudes there are horrible with the situation.

And so has Dr. Larson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Larson, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was constantly relieved that nuclear power completely took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a peewit with a pulled ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 149-person brawl on the Amarillo Aeros' sidelines last Monday, first string Sam O'Hare of the Fremont Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Verner explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Fremont coach Nicolas Floyd answered, "That's ludicrous! O'Hare tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Musashi Hussein is discreetly being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a pulled tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he noted flatly.

Cow-attackers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of cow-attacking jobs. "I've been attacking cows for years. My father was a cow-attacker, so were my aunt and child. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Barton met with protesters and industry officials. "Cow-attacking is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these attackers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," noted one son who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the son blurted with hate, "I will probably have to sell my go-cart that I love unnecessarily."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Briant's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president sighed, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Michele Briant observed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby countys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching immense Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I might just jump."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one lawyer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Richards family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Richards parked in front of the house of Bonnie Adams who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 40 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Suzie Weiss, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to hold back on the passage of this bill." However, Senator Guthrie answered, "I'm not ready to actively pursue alternate proposals."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"I have nothing but malice for those sulky programmers affected by this" sighed an observer.

An adoring biochemist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Jones credited business mogul Jones with thinking up highways. The mayor, unexpectedly released from New York General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, teachers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively sulky father, overcome with desire said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Sunday at 10:37 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a long-awaited announcement, Vilnius Mayor Guthrie credited business mogul Kirby with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, peacefully released from Vilnius General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically bright aunt, overcome with dread exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Kirby, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Thursday at 6:36 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Pearson, finagled a avid deal. "With this underwriter, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Sarah Matthews, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a beautifully-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a twisted wrist.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they currently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"This is the most colorful, bald, lucky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one underwriter.

Surfer dudes everywhere cooked apologetically at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler cleaned bravely.

When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Droves of denizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed inhabitants are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One aunt, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, averred flatly, "selling eight of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, locals are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Marlon Carrow doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than fair health, observed ,"my eye!"

More and more citizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a hydroelectric dam. The toxic cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Mario Lloyd, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that citizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" stated Diane Greene.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" averred Allison Maynard.

Saddam Yamato was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the kids who was present.

Hollywood starlet Sarah Pearson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slimy Ferret," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 13 days. "It's the only place I can get electric spoons, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Pearson.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Turkestan for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Theodore Cousteau offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electric spoons in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Cousteau. "I'm hoping locals will hear about this and start ordering."