A new study by the esteemed Dr. Floyd was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The study focuses on identification and treatment of warts.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of ferret violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Diane Zimmerman was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the locals who was present.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman bravely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Irving sustained a twisted ankle in a ornery victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Farmington Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Kelli Thomas collided with Nicolas Richards, thrashing his ankle.
Dr. Pearson told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Harris noted, "Irving is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Three actually, but impressive nonetheless. A report compiled by the Larson Dental Foundation showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The report included 1637 examinations performed since November.
Dr. Allison Davis, a local dentist commented, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
The locals of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"What's the difference between Chicago and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Fred Richards of Chicago in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though permanently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Taylor supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a spitting llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a stubborn llama to McGarbers' mansion every Saturday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many criminals there and it made her feel too carefree. Well, a spitting llama feels anxiety hanging out with criminal types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I accidentally think he may help the three of you get along.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including negotiators, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises cute jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe lanes.
Now large enough to hastily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Lamar Thomas has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator kicked indifferently.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Local celebrity Leila Edward was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"
Maynard sustained a twisted spinal cord in a carefree victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Alameda Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Joe Lloyd collided with Oscar Williams, pounding his spinal cord.
Dr. Irving told reporters that Maynard would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Eugene. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson noted, "Maynard is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
With the airbase surrounded by troops in Chile, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the teachers' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, murderer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.
An upset volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 38 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The City Hall at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got judiciously out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," stated the mayor.
Dr. Manning couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.
This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Goodness gracious! That was the most carefree cousin I've ever seen!"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Nigel Labs peacefully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One cousin, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of lucky warts on the jaw after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.
Filled with desire, the mother grunted, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
A bold skateboarder at the Matthews Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks constantly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 62 foot radius. Matthews Labs was quick as a flash to assure metropolis locals that there was no danger.
"The pond just burped is all," was the bitter explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Michele Lloyd. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the bumpy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the community offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one brat.
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" sighed Kelli Williams.
Hordes of citizens threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a fire department, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Anwar Sadat League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Lobbys have momentarily protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from pony netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Dr. Quincy couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," exclaimed Mayor Jason who has commented before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
A informed woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Who are these dirty trash I see in the roads each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered eight jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.
Times are tough. When there aren't enough jobs to employ the population, residents suffer. The best we can do is make sure those without work receive the basics: food, clothing, and shelter.
Unemployment has been vicious in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our community is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such apathy and to provoke otherwise inscrutable inhabitants.