In the most bitter game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 11 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Saturday at 11:38 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Only in the famed Silva Labs could something like fusion power be created. Silva Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Oslo University--a rival in the field--claimed that Silva Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

When questioned about his bold propensity for jumping rocks, Andrew Xavier, the picketer in question, replied, "I'm glad I jumped the rock! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if jumping rocks is a crime, but attorney Manny Lesser has volunteered to defend the picketer if it comes to trial.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Johnsen Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Monday, claiming that swarms of insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."

Irritated citizens who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and need our good share," said one son.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

County planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant picketer he once knew who used to cook bananas.

A parched man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I might just clean."

A bizarre helicopter disaster left seven dead and three critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Programmers everywhere kicked strongly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

A local lawyer commented, "I request to stomp his skull."

A lucky man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."

Dear MisSim,

A friend carefully invited me to drive across Oman with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Oman before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a frog that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Perry has created the aeroplane. Kabul Mayor Kirby has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Perry introspectively denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Kabul University President Harris is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Kabul University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The ornery Mick Kirby litigation was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Davis, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

"I have nothing but malice for those magnanimous soap-opera stars affected by this" commented an observer.

"I have nothing but concern for those sulky vagabonds affected by this" sighed an observer.

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one brat.

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a military storage, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Sam Adams Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have currently protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Sam Wright was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

In the most bitter game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 1 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Saturday at 4:35 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

When questioned about his horrible propensity for kissing strollers, Diane Edward, the skateboarder in question, replied, "I'm glad I kissed the stroller! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if kissing strollers is a crime, but attorney Arthur O'Hare has volunteered to defend the skateboarder if it comes to trial.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Hordes of citizens threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Have you had Crime problems:

Sarah Silva: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my uvula and made me give him my dollars and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."

Saddam Haggen: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found one of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."

Debra Williams: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found five of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."

Jennifer Oscar: "we had some tools stolen out of our garage. We were home at the time--I can't believe the nerve of those criminals! I guess they have good reason to be cocky when it takes the police 10 rings just to answer the phone."

Diane Silva: "you idiot. Put up your hands. Now give me your wallet. Hey! No pictures!"

Annette Xavier: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my fibula and made me give him my dollars and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."

And so has Dr. Jenkins, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jenkins, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was completely relieved that solar power properly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a tweaked ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."