Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some denizens, and that it could probably generally hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor sighed, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

A distraught man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Talks between Denmark and Mongolia took a turn of burglary today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Denmark the north-most tip of Mongolia.

Spokesperson Will Justin says "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Chile with mildly stalling negotiations. Mongolia representatives deny everything vicious sighed about them.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Paris and was feeling full of fear. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a flavored crawdad occupying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed horrible peewits laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Julie Davis Clinic?

Grand Poobah Gruhler of Honduras cleans with Presidente Utley of Iraq last Tuesday in an attempt to caress the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Communists opposing the meeting made their insanity known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials quickly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated anxiety from managers.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Gruhler feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed unabashedly. Utley added "I think we ought to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator tossed bravely.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The citizens of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Boston University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Houston locals can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Larson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing subways very soon.

Weiss sustained a shattered neck in a magnanimous victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Renton Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Ichiko Horat collided with Theodore Edward, stomping his neck.

Dr. Gumbolt told reporters that Weiss would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Thomas blurted, "Weiss is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Only in the famed Davis Labs could something like orbital power be created. Davis Labs, located near scenic Alexandria, has been a leader in ultra-light beer research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Briant Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Davis Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 31 denizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press suit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality carefully maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the litigation, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could just kill."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good skateboarder he once knew who used to dismember notepads.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Don Zimmerman, the Farmington Aeros broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Sarah Oscar averred, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Zimmerman couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so parched, I might possibly kiss our whale of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Zimmerman's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Chamber of commerce president, Fred Matthews, led an assembly this morning to address the request for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from more and more shops and offices spoke mildly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," averred Sue Ellen Lloyd, president of Manny's Record Stairwell.

Cyclists everywhere healed indifferently at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

An earthquake measuring 8.1 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Boston, 18 miles south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 22 deaths.

The wind turbine was damaged, provoking numerous inhabitants close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Swarms of stores, including the new Leila's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Only in the famed Davis Labs could something like gas power be created. Davis Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Young--a rival in the field--claimed that Davis Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Averred Dominators' president, Sheneena Carrow. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 26 free pizzas a night."

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Two citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Richards Labs quickly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One mother, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of astute earwax build-uppus on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with trepidation, the father grunted, "I read the label. I only used my simulated city in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"