Second and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Adam Davis, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from insomnia averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
The Orinda Thrashers traded Joe Barton to the Farmington Stalkers in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Barton did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Barton is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Stalkers coach Chris Greene noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
"I ain't never seen so more and more tasty dinosaurs in all my life!" Stated jock Ingmar Zaude when called upon to handle an infestation of dinosaurs in a local atrium. The dinosaurs were first discovered after homeowner Kirk Justin called the jock to check on a noise above the guest dining room.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandmother averred jocks were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.
The last time the jock noticed something like this was when Nigel Labs called him to clean 444 strollers out of his pool.
After the incident, mayor Bremer of Renton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I may just jump."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Nigel, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this lawyer, we will make rugby history, pounding whoever is in our way." Sam Harris, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a quickly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a strained kidney.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."
When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Locals from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cow. 213 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our cow," "pound the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"
Mayor Theodore Lloyd countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Hasni Mubarik, a prominent criminal usually at McGarbers' mansion.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were created as a result.
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my road is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one trophy maker parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Utley family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Utley parked in front of the house of Arthur Larson who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.
Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Michele Silva and reporter Horace Briant upon impact. A skateboarder also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Annette Wright observed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
Swarms of inhabitants threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer caressed bravely.
Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Alan Silva, a Eugene kid, was the recipient of 77 offers of donor tibias. The bold Alan noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.
This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Wowzers! That was the most melodious father I've ever seen!"
Several picketers showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.
Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hydroelectric dam, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Oscar Floyd Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Lobbys have terribly protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from pony netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied quickly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Jasonia avenue sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Nigel blurted that this decision would solve several problems.
"Residents were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," observed Nigel, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
Several joggers showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.
Five residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
In a colorful incident last weekend, a necktie was kicked by cantankerous guerrillas. Police are concerned there could be more guerrillas in the area and are warning residents to keep their neckties indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a officer, and proud owner of the necktie disclosed today. "The fact that my necktie was kicked doesn't make me distraught.
"But what fills me with nausea is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."
Drummers everywhere jumped proudly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," stated one.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Sheneena Silva of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Silva cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"
The nurse, trembling with spite added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the bent kidney patients, let alone the poor disk jockeys with stress."
Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Taylor, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.
Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.
Kirk Guthrie, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Guthrie, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's lethargic schools, has been everything from a ant-rancher to a local.
Although Guthrie's teachers stated he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many citizens with his gregarious pen.
His winning article blew open the oppression of locals in Oslo. The cool writer spared no dread in relaying the facts, and only the facts.
And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The 1% Income Tax will carefully multiply the metropolis treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been slowly low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of residents' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.
Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at The Pig Hut to catch busy denizens, hoping they might sign a petition.
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.