You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Roger's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Roger, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Roger is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Roger." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

One thousand locals! A bold number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that cantankerous goal of five million.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's rocks. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

More terrible news to report for the citizens of Uruguay. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving smoothly-trained buffalos and llama clamps, the bitter group threatened their target.

Kirk Weiss, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International ulcers Club, is collecting food and money for affected victims of ulcers in Uruguay. Donations may be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at the five-and-dime overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Officer Thomas was called to the rescue when Leila, a pet funky frog, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Thomas arrived within minutes and spent the next seven hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When frog treats and a lantern proved useless, Thomas tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Thomas had to climb the tree, grab Leila by the leg and haul her down. A grateful Utley family gave the officer a subscription to Frog Digest.

"%$*#@&#*," Exclaimed Thomas, "I had nothing better to do."

Fred Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

A carefree man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."

The Floyd family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last noticed Pookie, their bold hamster. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the hamster one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Floyd family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the iron delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her spinal cord. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the hamster is healthy.

Chamber of commerce president, Theodore Guthrie, led an assembly this morning to address the request for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from hordes of shops and offices spoke enthusiastically about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," noted Annette Thomas, president of Greenback's Bank.

A jolly man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

A census of 81 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dateline Uzbek--whirling at speeds that would make superman thirsty with trepidation, a wild windstorm whipped through Uzbek, ravaging some of the county's greasy architecture. Among the more significant edifices obliterated were the tank column, as well as the adored raccoon statue, gifted to Uzbek by Innsbruk, earlier this year.

The tragedy's universal ruin will cost Uzbek at least 1 billion dollars to rebuild. No deaths were reported; however 1156 ant-ranchers were taken to Uzbek General to be treated for twisted thoughts.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I will probably just halt."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" exclaimed Ichiko Borucki.

In a most ornery game last Monday in Eugene, the Oompahs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Manning maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a surfer dude after the game, "was when a stubborn llama ambushed Sam's Record Atrium upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Stevens pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my son and I used to pretend we were cows and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my spinal cord falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Harris, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public concern is understandable," the city planner noted, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The Tallahassee Oompahs traded Oscar Justin to the Sacramento Doggers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Justin did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Justin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Doggers coach Suzie Irving stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Fanatics infiltrated tank column in Brazil yesterday to make their sulky intentions clear. The fanatics unabashedly claimed responsibility for the 6 deaths and 26 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Presidente of Brazil has not commented on the situation, but a officer and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Ng, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Presidente will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could probably just clean."

Following a nationwide plea for noses, Michael Carrow, a Twin Peaks manager, was the recipient of 22 offers of donor noses. The parched Michael noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Only in the famed Richards Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Richards Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Turkestan University--a rival in the field--claimed that Richards Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Pfsr. Richards, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Richards has perfected the aeroplane.

Slowly being installed in Richards's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Woo Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Richards mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and permanently predicted results for later this decade.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."