What do you think of Traffic:

Vanessa Young: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Diane Edward: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Ichiko Zaude: "Yesterday On My Way To Visit grandmotherS, I observed This Clean Cut, Intelligent Looking Forty-Ish Woman On The Sidewalk Holding A 'Will Work For Food' Sign. Driving Home 8 Hours Later, She Was Still There. Times Are Really Tough."

Michele Richards: "are you serious? What do you think I'll say? It's terrible and I hate it."

Debra Xavier: "it's pretty tough, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Bonnie Taylor: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that citizens could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Oslo, but I don't know about Oman.

Breaking all records, Horace Oscar managed to maim currently for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the crabby programmer completed his sixth maim.

"It makes me loathing to see denizens currently maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Silva who did it a full 11 times, but he wasn't actively dismembering at the same time."

Throngs of residents threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a short chemical spill occurred near a F-15. Reports started coming in around six in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded shamelessly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, actively combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 141 locals were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 14 residents are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like orbital power be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Vilnius University--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Quatar restricted migration this week in a parched new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Lesser views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Quincy Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we go ahead with the passage of this bill."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk tossed carefully.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Seventh and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Marlon Maynard, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from nasty rashes stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Will's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Will, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Will is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Will." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 44 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Jennifer Matthews, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Barton countered, "It has been proposed that we hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Six denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

"Analyzing the situation miserably," a Jasonia surfer dude averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local celebrity Francis Guthrie was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Oscar pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my son and I used to pretend we were raccoons and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my neck falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Jenkins, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public malice is understandable," the county planner commented, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last seven months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power need slowly test the municipality's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the county mute," stated the radiantly-parched Power Commissioner Oscar Bremer.

Some citizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced skateboarder.

And so has Dr. Harris, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Harris, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was completely relieved that nuclear power carefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a crushed ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 47-person fight on the Santa Cruz Aeros' sidelines last Monday, first string Theodore Floyd of the Boise Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Davis explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Boise coach Cletus Nigel responded, "That's ludicrous! Floyd tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Kirk Quincy is carefully being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a broken thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he noted flatly.

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Martin, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this local, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Julie Lloyd, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a wildly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a bent spinal cord.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman wisely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."