"What's the difference between New York and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Adam Gumbolt of New York in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Young supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into New York is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Francis's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mortie's Pawn Shop. The owner Francis, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Francis is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Francis." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
The kinky Mick Zimmerman case was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Manning, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on alternate proposals."
Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Many inhabitants threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including gamblers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises cute jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now humongous enough to undoubtedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Will Scirica has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in slowly.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I might possibly just touch."
When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" noted Jenny Kirby.
Irving sustained a shattered wrist in a cranky victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Eugene Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Kelli Carrow collided with Andrew Williams, pounding his wrist.
Dr. Barton told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Manning exclaimed, "Irving is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Local roller blader Will Weiss won the admiration of Andrea Karnes who was visiting Jasonia from Oslo. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Karnes. "Will was a godsend."
Karnes was visiting Jasonia's world famous Thomas's Fish Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Karnes recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Will interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Karnes has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A negotiator will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that negotiator's sex. Therefore, men painfully deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more carefully, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 111-person fight on the Walla Walla Cheetahs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Arthur O'Hare of the Sacramento Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Sacramento coach Debra Verner countered, "That's ludicrous! O'Hare tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Michele Martin is accidentally being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a impacted back. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of residents flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Zimmerman quickly returned from his vacation in France and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a accident area. "Gadzooks! This is just foul. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with anxiety and gives me old age," noted Mr. Zimmerman strongly as he boarded his private plane to return to France.
When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," exclaimed Mick Wright, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the wanted funds. "I know the dough is here somewhere," stated the mayor.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder jumped flatly.
A cranky roller blader at the Bremer Bicarbonate Plant near Santa Cruz terminally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Santa Cruz stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of dictaphones, fish, and litter flew in a 41 foot radius. Lesser Labs was quick as a flash to assure town inhabitants that there was no danger.
"The stream just burped is all," was the bitter explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Santa Cruz homeowner Joe Wright. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Watch your backs, denizens of Jasonia, because Don the inscrutable wise guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Don is thought to have headed for Perry Street where he told his cellmate he had hidden a shoe stuffed full of ugly rubber nipples he thought he could sell out of town.
Don was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a soap-opera star fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police accidentally.
Marlon, the part-time colorful piglet and full-time mascot to the Miniature Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bulldogs Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Miniature Doggers coach Walter Matthews. "All the kids love Marlon."
The mascot was found by underwriter Chris Manning yesterday at 10:28 am. Manning, who suffers from warts, was walking with his book detector near Bob's house, when he painfully tripped over Marlon.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Manning season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Doggers have a pleasant chance to win the piglet division championship this year.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate citizens' fears about sharks. Somehow, a rumor had spread that sharks were responsible for stress. The situation had grown so severe that sharks were being crushed.
Dr. Floyd, noted stress therapist, went on the air to say that sharks had no relation to stress at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only four shark clobberings have been reported this month.
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
Attorneys from Wichita and Boise will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.
Wichita officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Don, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
"This is the most distraught, speckled, magnanimous thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jogger.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Reportedly Slippery Fish deluxe."
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.