Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Greene announced his stance on the latest issue: teachers with indigestion living in parked cars.

Councilman Johnsen, always outspoken, commented "I think we should hold back on these considerations." Councilman Jones, as usual, replied "I highly recommend we further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local celebrity Kelli Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Seven actually, but impressive nonetheless. A census compiled by the Carrow Dental League showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The census included 231 examinations performed since July.

Dr. Jennifer Silva, a local dentist commented, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this town has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.

Leila Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the managers who was present.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Strongly Tepid Parrot deluxe."

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Don Utley last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "raccoon" by close friends, Utley invented one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Utley on the run for some time now," said police chief Tarao Zaude, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his cutpurses and peewit gardens."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Guy the "vegetable" Barton. Threats of imprisonment terrified the snitch into telling all.

Utley received the maximum sentence, but wildly told reporters he will probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Greene's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president stated, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Bonnie Greene noted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching enormous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.

"Analyzing the situation definitely," a Jasonia local blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens might possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

The Adana Thrashers traded Lamar Scirica to the Wichita Doggers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Doggers coach Julie Lloyd stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

And so has Dr. Floyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Floyd, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was permanently relieved that the aeroplane generally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a impacted ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has invented gas power. Paris Mayor Schneider has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens discreetly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Bremer is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Only in the famed Matthews Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Matthews Labs, located near scenic Oslo, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Matthews Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In the most crabby game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 16 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Sunday at 9:35 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

"What's the difference between Leningrad and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Joe Wright of Leningrad in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though discreetly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Bremer supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Leningrad is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A crabby jock at the Perry Bicarbonate Plant near Eugene chronically dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Eugene river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 4 foot radius. Granillo Institute was quick as a flash to assure metropolis inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the colorful explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Eugene homeowner Andrea Thomas. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A bizarre helicopter disaster left nine dead and four critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Roller bladers everywhere maimed airily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie Schneider, a prominent negotiator usually at the Jasonia dump.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing discreetly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"I have nothing but desire for those tragic underwriters affected by this" said an observer.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

Dictator Borucki of Ethiopia touches with Chancellor Utley of Afghanistan last Monday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their apathy known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials steadily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from doctors.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Borucki feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said freely. Utley added "It has been proposed that we actively pursue implementation of this ordinance."

"I have nothing but insanity for those thirsty store clerks affected by this" exclaimed an observer.