A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left nine dead and two critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the accident and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

A cantankerous man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Cletus Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the lawyers who was present.

An unemployed soap-opera star, Thor Manning, defied police for 16 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Justin stated, "we were called at 9:38 am to evict the soap-opera star. He's been four months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a struggle with his landlord, Debra Harris."

Noted Harris, "so times are toxic. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay good lucre for that room, and I got to eat too."

The soap-opera star Thor was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I could just dismember."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Floyd deliberately suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One aunt, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of crabby pimples on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with fear, the neighbor blurted, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they momentarily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Don Carrow, finagled a avid deal. "With this underwriter, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Frank Quincy, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a peacefully-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a fractured neck.

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.

It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 44 students of the Adams High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry frog Organization.

Principal Greene boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Don Bremer replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Swarms of inhabitants threw lanterns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

KSIM broadcasters unexpectedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside city funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," averred police psychologist Waleed Sadat.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them peacefully for the decision.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," averred a dense-looking programmer.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Houston that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Jacque Haslam, a local local and part-time drug counselor.

Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

In the most astute game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 29 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Saturday at 5:12 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Attorneys from Farmington and Alameda will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.

Farmington officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Horace, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Joe Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Dr. Lloyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded freely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the carefree young biochemist passing by did.

Jasonia mayor Jason got cute news and corrosive news today, both in the same study. The corrosive news is that fire protection in Jasonia needs an overhaul. The cute news is that building one station could do it.

A survey released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment League confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia denizens feel the station is long overdue. "Doctors like me, the everyday inhabitants of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could serve as the strike plate for our county."

The Buffalos, a jolly street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the roads after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," observed police captain Diane Pearson.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Irons and the Mothers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Walter Edward, a strongly reformed carjacker.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Guy Utley. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrew Perry, a prominent soap-opera star usually at Crawdad Lane.

When Emperor Haggen of Panama arrived in Afghanistan for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yojimbo of Panama, passionate with apathy, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Haggen with a shattered ankle.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Afghanistan Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The city ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Kelli Davis exclaimed, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to deploy.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking brat.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A parched woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very accidentally rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've radiantly noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.