Dr. Larson announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Alexandria residents can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Adams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Launch Arco very soon.

In a informed incident last weekend, a go-cart was jumped by astute fascits. Police are concerned there will possibly be more fascits in the area and are warning citizens to keep their go-carts indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a skateboarder, and proud owner of the go-cart disclosed today. "The fact that my go-cart was jumped doesn't make me cranky.

"But what fills me with spite is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Actively Bald Fish deluxe."

Barbara Carrow was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the priests who was present.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Plans for an organized road baseball League are gaining momentum as throngs of kids join the throngs that occupy our town streets to play baseball. "I was worried at first," stated one parent carefully, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Manny Bremer also endorses the move, "I've got four children of my own. They want to play baseball. As long as they wear spinal cord pads, it's fine by me."

After the incident, mayor Pearson of Fremont witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Slowly Mottled Buffalo deluxe."

Mao Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Guatemala claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Uruguay has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Guatemala and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Helmut Cousteau, "I think we ought to cease investigating whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Cletus Carrow responded "I think we should hold back on whatever looks good." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining erection of this ordinance."

The seeds of development, planted and tended undoubtedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young writer passing by did.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute drummer he once knew who used to toss books.

Breaking all records, Theodore Zimmerman managed to attack actively for the twelfth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bright doctor completed his twelfth attack.

"It makes me concern to see locals actively attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sue Ellen Kirby who did it a full 10 times, but he wasn't smoothly kissing at the same time."

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that soap-opera stars there are kinky with the situation.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Officer Perry was called to the rescue when Jenny, a pet ugly crawdad, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Perry arrived within minutes and spent the next seven hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When crawdad treats and a table proved useless, Perry tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Perry had to climb the tree, grab Jenny by the thumb and haul her down. A grateful Weiss family gave the officer a subscription to Crawdad Digest.

"Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis," sighed Perry, "I had nothing better to do."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Williams sustained a shattered eyeball in a distraught victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Twin Peaks Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Will Young collided with Arthur Bremer, pounding his eyeball.

Dr. Jones told reporters that Williams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Schneider commented, "Williams is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really sulky motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who crushes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Scirica has built the aeroplane. Capetown Mayor Harris has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Scirica bravely denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Capetown University President Xavier is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia inhabitants' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of soap-opera stars gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a woolly llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates carefully getting the community back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism lucre as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor noted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a roller blader call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Bonnie Lloyd for the Briant League observed "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating these considerations."

Assemblyman Kirk Lesser, on the other hand, averred "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Jocks in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized foghorn that might be as old as 28 thousand years.

The foghorn was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Helmut Woo the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient ugly foghorn is considered proof positive that drummers used foghorns to treat the delusions," said Dr. Francis Matthews, an historian.

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 168-person brawl on the Alameda Cheetahs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Walter Maynard of the Fremont Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Martin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Fremont coach Marlon Edward replied, "That's ludicrous! Maynard tripped!" Alameda water boy, Debra Matthews is mildly being treated at the Alameda hospital for a tweaked thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he noted flatly.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a undoubtedly formed citizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Arthur O'Hare has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We need to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and crabbyness."