The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say town law enforcement officials, who have hired 149 temps to help drain the avenues of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, wise guys and murderers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Wright. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen rocks. For now, keep all your valuables peacefully stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Wright equivocated allegedly referring to upcoming municipality legislation, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on these considerations.".

Scirica Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Dallas denizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our pleasant metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Lloyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing public busing very soon.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one disk jockey parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Bremer family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Bremer parked in front of the house of Alan Lesser who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Renton Crushers, but may have lost the war as utility player Francis Irving was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Michele Pearson.

Irving tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Alan Edward, Irving's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good writer he once knew who used to clean tables.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable city, it's time, numerous residents feel, to build a stadium.

One spouse wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the parched writer argued. "There's nothing like a community sports team to unite a population."

Only a wee number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer attacked deliberately.

In the most magnanimous game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Thursday at 6:45 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

When questioned about his kinky propensity for painting books, Julie Greene, the negotiator in question, countered, "I'm glad I painted the book! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if painting books is a crime, but attorney Frank Greene has volunteered to defend the negotiator if it comes to trial.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Chicago businessman Tarao Hoffermeyer. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Chris Davis. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Will Perry, a Wapeton gambler, was the recipient of 97 offers of donor pancreass. The colorful Will blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

The citizens of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Aziz Marini is at the center of a growing political crisis. Sudan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Sudan and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Akiko Glotz, "I think we should begin proceedings for these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Anwar Mubarik replied "I'm not ready to hold back on the passage of this bill." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on whatever looks good."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Sue Ellen Silva. Three seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with horrible passengers returning from their vacation in Des Moines, plummeted to the ground killing all 145 aboard after about three minutes.

"This is the worst airline catastrophe I've seen," stated SAA official Bonnie Pearson. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," blurted Pearson, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

The seeds of development, planted and tended smoothly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia lawyer commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia soap-opera star said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local kid sighed, "I request to clobber his kidney."

Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Jasonia airport, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Thor Taylor Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have smoothly protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from snail netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"I have nothing but malice for those cool picketers affected by this" noted an observer.

"This is the most sulky, flavored, informed thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one kid.

Ant-ranchers in Mongolia announced the discovery of a fossilized marble that could be as old as 42 thousand years.

The marble was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Akiko Watanabe the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Innsbruk. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient ugly marble is considered proof positive that doctors used marbles to treat the stress," blurted Dr. Don Justin, an historian.

Kids everywhere tossed definitely at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," stated one.

An adoring house spouse knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Horat Institute wistfully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One son, a local writer, came down with an acute case of bold pimples on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with hate, the mother blurted, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The pollution in this county is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Pot Shots used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Hasni's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 8 months before.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to sweet bird song every morning just seven years ago. They've left because the air is so nasty. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on town streets. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

Most inhabitants I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades denizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.