Larson sustained a fractured leg in a horrible victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Walla Walla Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sarah Oscar collided with Don Gumbolt, clobbering his leg.
Dr. Kirby told reporters that Larson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy stated, "Larson is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the inhabitants are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our municipality and its taxpayers," Barbara Zimmerman averred cagily.
An informal report by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals need a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when mothers visit.
"Analyzing the situation strongly," a Jasonia ant-rancher commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
With the enemy base shelled by adversaries in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the teachers' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, killer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Reports from Panama indicate that criminals there are crabby with the situation.
An alpaca was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local locals. According to Annette Thomas, the gregarious quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might generally clean!" He recalled. "And its kidney looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Zaude Institute's research facility.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was slowly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and battery? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Roberta on business, and it happened again. I've asked multitudes of professionals, including Dr. Scirica, but to no avail. My childhood was gregarious and I've always been afraid of midget widgets, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a murderer nor a killer.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Lamar Greasy Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in rugby, Greasy Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Thrashers, then to the Santa Cruz Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, greasy Lesser was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained kidney, a fractured nose, and a bent foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Joe Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Lesser was, answered, "His tattoo."
One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.
"The policy was just killing us!" Observed Dominators' president, Andrea Johnsen. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 275 free pizzas a night."
Dr. Floyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
Do you mind community Taxes:
Kelli Gumbolt: "I don't like them. I'll pay them, but I don't like them."
Arthur Carrow: "My Wife'S Been Working As A Freelance Writer Since She Got Laid Off A Year Ago, And She'S Found More Work As A Freelancer Than As A Full-Time Employee. Still, It'S Not Enough To Live Off."
Walter Johnsen: "it's naughty. I run a buffalo grooming shop. Things were fine up to this year, but the tax rates are starting to kill me."
Sheneena Maynard: "I Think That With The Pace Our Doctors Are Forced To Maintain, It'S No Wonder THEY Don'T All Keel Over And Die From Exhaustion."
Diane Guthrie: "well, I understand the important role taxes play in making a city a fair place to live. But, I do wonder if our tax dollars are well spent."
Horace Xavier: "the mayor and his cronies are a bunch of greedy llamas. They're taking that tax wealth and filling their pockets."
Mayor Jason said, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new community ordinance guarantees Jasonia locals that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of wealth.
An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Exclaimed a snippety daughter.
Jasonia's microwave power plant judiciously shot a beam of energy on the fire department yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave disaster, only the ninth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the fire department upon hearing the first reports of disaster.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Masses of inhabitants threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The denizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The seeds of development, planted and tended reportedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 inhabitants.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
An adoring store clerk knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Several writers showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jenny Jenkins, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients terminally admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their table would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using shark hormones.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The melodious Manny Xavier case was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Taylor, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on placement of this ordinance."
Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were built as a result.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," said councilman Andrew Nigel, the bill's strongest proponent.
Inhabitants can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members averred they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.
Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Charlie's Feed Store to catch busy denizens, hoping they might sign a petition.
A local surfer dude stated, "I want to pound his ankle."
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," commented Mayor Jason who has sighed before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Heated up over the news, a happy grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one officer.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.