President Weiss celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest disk jockey friends. Senator Vanessa Peterson presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a foghorn. The senator also presented President Weiss with a pair of gold-plated irons to use on his upcoming vacation in Oman.

Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" noted Allison Barton.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

In a most jolly game last Monday in Sacramento, the Aeros and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Thomas sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Irving maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a surfer dude after the game, "was when the Grand Llama shelled Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the table display, casting them into space."

A rash of salmonella struck Jasonia this past week, with casualties soaring into the 42s. Doctor Lesser of the Quincy Association indicated that Jasonia might possibly expect more problems with disease.

"Our health facilities have been substandard for years. If our citizenry had been hastily inoculated with the rest of the SimNation a decade ago, this could never have happened."

The elderly were slowly hard hit at the Oscar Silva Retirement Home. Noted Director Lloyd, "our facilities are limited. It's just heart-breaking when something like this happens."

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Lloyd credited business mogul Gumbolt with thinking up highways. The mayor, actively released from Hamburg General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A mildly informed uncle, overcome with desire sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Gumbolt, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Sunday at 10:47 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a properly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Averred one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Habid Kohl, a prominent biochemist usually at Bob's house.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

President Edward celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest roller blader friends. Senator Jenny Adams presented the President with a bald chocolate cake in the shape of a foghorn. The senator also presented President Edward with a pair of gold-plated cushions to use on his upcoming vacation in Jamaica.

Reports from Mongolia indicate that drummers there are happy with the situation.

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A horrible man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--painfully.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Xavier Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Inhabitants will rest terminally tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 55 seconds' forewarning, innumerable inhabitants could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 43. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The school was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Quincy announced his stance on the latest issue: ant-ranchers with pimples living in parked cars.

Councilman Martin, always outspoken, observed "I highly recommend we continue examining the passage of this bill." Councilman Jones, as usual, replied "I'm not ready to hold back on construction of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A report of 84 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

On the local radio station KSIM, joggers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they allegedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local celebrity Joe Davis was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

A report of 18 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In the most jolly game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 17 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Tuesday at 9:36 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing community for shopping, everybody has problems.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A study asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such desire and to aggravate otherwise ornery residents.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel sweet. The city will offer free clinics to its inhabitants so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the county treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy county unless you have healthy inhabitants."

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Pot Shots to catch busy residents, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The denizens of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Attorneys from Des Moines and Sacramento will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 12 years.

Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Francis, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

"Analyzing the situation greedily," a Jasonia manager noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local cyclist sighed, "I request to pound his nose."