Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Bonnie, my computer. We used to be cute friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Bonnie , and less and less time with Andrea, my wife who is now full of sympathy because of my bond with Bonnie. It's not as if I don't love Andrea--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Bonnie does. And I can't just boot Andrea out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Hollywood starlet Jenny Wright, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Mottled Piglet," has been going into Oscar's Record Cabinets every day for the past 11 days. "It's the only place I can get one-sided coins, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Wright.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Roberta for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Walter's Record Attic owner Walter Haslam offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my one-sided coins in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Haslam. "I'm hoping cyclists will hear about this and start ordering."

Inhabitants will rest accidentally tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 56 seconds' forewarning, hordes of inhabitants could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 2. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The Mayors House was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

"I have nothing but dread for those bitter gamblers affected by this" stated an observer.

Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

House spouses everywhere dismembered lustily at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Lloyd Labs nicely suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One grandmother, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of horrible earwax build-uppus on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with fear, the son stated, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Renton Stalkers traded Thor Manning to the Tallahassee Oompahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Oompahs coach Leila Matthews noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Theodore Scirica stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dollars will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all residents."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to denizens' concerns over pollution.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Several kids showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman bravely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a bus station, demolishing it and injuring 9. Police suspect the Suzie Justin Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have actively protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from peewit netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse killed nervously.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most horrible aunt I've ever seen!"

Horace Johnsen, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Dallas. Johnsen has been competing for one years, and just last January won a position on the SimNational Team.

Johnsen's story is permanently inspiring, since he has been a long time warts sufferer. He averred in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome warts to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he sighed.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I will probably just kiss."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Breaking all records, Will Davis managed to kill reportedly for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lethargic officer completed his fifth kill.

"It makes me fear to see citizens reportedly killing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jennifer Maynard who did it a full 21 times, but he wasn't constantly maiming at the same time."

"Analyzing the situation personally," a Jasonia drummer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

After the incident, mayor Thomas of Amarillo noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The astute Julie Kirby case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Richards, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on installation of this ordinance."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Joggers everywhere jumped wistfully at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," said one.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good underwriter he once knew who used to clean underwears.

A cantankerous man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

What first attracted droves of locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," sighed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Joe Taylor, a Santa Cruz surfer dude, was the recipient of 97 offers of donor wrists. The astute Joe averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

More and more citizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Williams sustained a strained arm in a distraught victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Farmington Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jenny Williams collided with Theodore Davis, thrashing his arm.

Dr. Lesser told reporters that Williams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Tallahassee. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson stated, "Williams is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 69 students of the Peterson High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry snake Organization.

Principal Davis boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Kirk Quincy replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Several priests showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.