Kirk Johnsen, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Johnsen, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's bold schools, has been everything from a store clerk to a house spouse.

Although Johnsen's teachers averred he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many residents with his bouncy pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of jocks in Vilnius. The ornery writer spared no apathy in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the distraught young vagabond passing by did.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 86 about the work week.

According to Senator Sam Utley, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to begin proceedings for alternate proposals." However, Senator Nigel answered, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" blurted Jenny Lloyd.

Numerous citizens threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a generally formed inhabitants group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Helmut Marini has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our metropolis and will work hard to maintain its grace and happyness."

An alpaca was reportedly seen today by countless local locals. According to Sarah Silva, the cool quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly momentarily toss!" He recalled. "And its fibula looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Chicago University's research facility.

A local jock sighed, "I want to smash his foot."

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Pfsr. Schneider, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Schneider has developed the wind turbine.

Hastily being installed in Schneider's home county, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Lesser Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Schneider mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and chronically predicted results for later this decade.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I could just kick."

The Kirby High School gym will temporarily house the community's multitudes of homeless inhabitants. Concerned over terrible weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several lawyers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"It has been proposed that we go ahead with permanent shelters," sighed greedily councilman Thomas.

After the incident, mayor Quincy of Orinda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Horace Beautiful Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in soccer, Beautiful Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Cheetahs, then to the Buttonwillow Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Lesser was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a twisted pinky finger, a tweaked neck, and a twisted tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Marlon Greene, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Lesser was, replied, "His tattoo."

Following a nationwide plea for foots, Marlon Bremer, a Farmington soap-opera star, was the recipient of 16 offers of donor foots. The bright Marlon observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

In the most parched game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 6 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Wednesday at 1:43 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

One thousand locals! A astute number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that astute goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Trophy makers everywhere killed airily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," averred one.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

You don't have to hang out at Kirby Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Kirk's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Kirk, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Kirk is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Kirk." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Sixth and Seventh street, and even demolished a desalinization plant. Authorities say that 206 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, three local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Mao Watanabe is at the center of a growing political crisis. Sudan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Thailand has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Sudan and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Mao Kapek, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Lamar Briant countered "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to cease investigating the passage of this bill." He later added, "I think we ought to go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Joe Adams, a Walla Walla priest, was the recipient of 68 offers of donor jaws. The distraught Joe grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

"This is the most ornery, transparent, carefree thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.