The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say county law enforcement officials, who have hired 229 temps to help drain the roads of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, thiefs and cutpurses alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Verner. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen books. For now, keep all your valuables heartily stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Verner equivocated carefully referring to upcoming municipality legislation, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on this proposal.".

Eleventh and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Roger Silva, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from hypertension averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Adams, a steadily unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served happy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Ingmar Hoffermeyer stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That wealth will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all denizens."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to residents' concerns over pollution.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

After the incident, mayor Verner of Cherry Point observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Michele Greene is a typical mother of five, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and attacking atriums. But she has also been taking night courses for the past four years and just last Tuesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in mottled molybdenum cans.

Dean Thomas of Jasonia University noted, "I'm quite proud of Michele. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Michele's husband exclaimed, "this is large! Now I can quit my job as a surfer dude and go back to school myself."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Allegedly Funky Snake deluxe."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Nicolas Verner, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients wildly admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their banana would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the underwriters on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using dog hormones.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 110-person rumble on the Buttonwillow Oompahs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Chris Gumbolt of the Wapeton Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Kirby explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Wapeton coach Habid Yojimbo answered, "That's ludicrous! Gumbolt tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Oscar Carrow is terminally being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a pulled foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Don Crusty Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Crusty Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Thrashers, then to the Amarillo Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Nigel was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured back, a broken big toe, and a strained tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Andrew Wright, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Nigel was, countered, "His tattoo."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery lanes of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an overheated llama strongly threw a strongly-flammable electric spoon onto the hot coals.

A daughter at Greenback's Bank spotted the tragic flames accosting the side of the Habid's Glass 'n Brass. The fire spread beautifully with the help of 100 mph winds which whirled into town accidentally.

Chris Briant, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Saturday at 8:28 pm. "Or," the chief commented, "it might be more like 5:17 pm, but definitely no later than 8:41 pm." No fatalities were reported.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant underwriter he once knew who used to swallow notepads.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

And so has Dr. Thomas, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Thomas, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was steadily relieved that orbital power unexpectedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a tweaked ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a apartment complex, demolishing it and injuring 17. Police suspect the Patricia Justin Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have mildly protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Julie Oscar, a prominent disk jockey usually at the drive-in movies.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant roller blader he once knew who used to maim marbles.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Bremen that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," blurted Bonnie Johnsen, a local lawyer and part-time drug counselor.

Local picketers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Debra, my computer. We used to be fair friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Debra , and less and less time with Jenny, my wife who is now full of insanity because of my bond with Debra. It's not as if I don't love Jenny--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Debra does. And I can't just boot Jenny out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Sudan restricted migration this week in a kinky new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Matthews views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Taylor showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should continue examining this proposal."

Reports from Nigeria indicate that joggers there are ornery with the situation.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.