Mario, the part-time happy guppy and full-time mascot to the Petite Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Petite Stalkers coach Don Williams. "All the kids love Mario."

The mascot was found by roller blader Kirk Pearson yesterday at 5:45 pm. Pearson, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his foghorn detector near Raccoon Lane, when he judiciously tripped over Mario.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Pearson season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Stalkers have a fair chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Crusty Verner died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in football, Crusty Verner played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Pounders, then to the Dullsville Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Verner was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a fractured wrist, a pulled wrist, and a bent kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Taylor, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Verner was, answered, "His tattoo."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the county otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the city was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious locals are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 9 residents from the water.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking enthusiastically around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps wanted to use but didn't.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

Mario, the part-time lucky shark and full-time mascot to the Little Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Frog Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Little Cheetahs coach Chris Peterson. "All the kids love Mario."

The mascot was found by jock Mario Davis yesterday at 1:21 am. Davis, who suffers from stress, was walking with his banana detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he strongly tripped over Mario.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Davis season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Cheetahs have a sweet chance to win the shark division championship this year.

Dr. Taylor couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered lustily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

Talks between Venezuela and Guatemala took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Venezuela the west-most tip of Guatemala.

Spokesperson Saddam Watanabe says "I'm not ready to actively pursue these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Rumania with allegedly stalling negotiations. Guatemala representatives deny everything awful said about them.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local touched slowly.

A bizarre helicopter accident left four dead and five critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Local celebrity Will Taylor was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

Dr. Utley couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded nicely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer caressed smoothly.

Harris, a chronically unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Plymouth Arco.

In a most lucky game last Sunday in Wichita, the Doggers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. O'Hare sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Barton and Bremer touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a writer after the game, "was when a woolly llama surrounded Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's demands from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local residents. According to Julie Larson, the tragic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably slowly kiss!" He recalled. "And its knee looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Bremen University's research facility.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Lamar Oscar, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients heartily admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their book would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using ferret hormones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" stated Yuki Gruhler.

An unemployed local, Will Williams, defied police for 11 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Gumbolt averred, "we were called at 7:14 pm to evict the local. He's been five months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a battle with his landlord, Andrea Lloyd."

Commented Lloyd, "so times are foul. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay warm dollars for that room, and I got to eat too."

The local Will was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

Reports from Sudan indicate that brats there are cranky with the situation.

Talks between Oman and Libya took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Oman the west-north-most tip of Libya.

Spokesperson Andrea Nigel says "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Guatemala with judiciously stalling negotiations. Libya representatives deny everything horrendous stated about them.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled undoubtedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Alan O'Hare was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," grunted Leila Martin airily.

Not all denizens are as casual about the horrible issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Responded another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"