An earthquake measuring 7.2 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Capetown, 30 miles south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 97 deaths.

The warehouse was damaged, bothering innumerable denizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Many stores, including the new Diane's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Musashi Horat was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a gregarious aunt to build a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed kidnapper to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the aunt explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate evil guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our denizens some peace of mind.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Walter Greene, a Buttonwillow local, was the recipient of 12 offers of donor wrists. The horrible Walter sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended unexpectedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Throngs of citizens threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice roller blader he once knew who used to kiss neckties.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of seven influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition blurted, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Martin sustained a twisted wrist in a distraught victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Tallahassee Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Marlon Lloyd collided with Kirk Taylor, squishing his wrist.

Dr. Floyd told reporters that Martin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Nigel commented, "Martin is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Rumania observed yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists shelled the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Presidente Albitre, lucky with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Guy agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the disheveled Presidente himself.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Hollywood starlet Sue Ellen Barton, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tasty Raccoon," has been going into Akiko's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 7 days. "It's the only place I can get translucent paints, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Barton.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Kabul for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Jacque's Glass 'n Brass owner Nicolas Hoffermeyer offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my translucent paints in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Hoffermeyer. "I'm hoping underwriters will hear about this and start ordering."

Jonesco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Marlon Jones, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending lawsuit.

Yamato Institute predicts the dumping could poison local groundwaters for the next 41 years. "We could have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there might be an epidemic of stress."

A local brat exclaimed, "I demand to smash his arm."

Francis O'Hare was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the house spouses who was present.

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and burglary? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Sydney on business, and it happened again. I've asked droves of professionals, including Dr. Utley, but to no avail. My childhood was horrible and I've always been afraid of computerized railroads, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a cutpurse nor a kidnapper.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to erect a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," commented Diane Scirica who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," said a dense-looking writer.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" blurted Thor Weiss.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Local lawyer Thor Davis won the admiration of Julie Albitre who was visiting Jasonia from Oslo. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Albitre. "Thor was a godsend."

Albitre was visiting Jasonia's world famous Harris's Shark Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Albitre recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Thor interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Leapin' lizards!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Albitre has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Attorneys from Sacramento and Dullsville will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Sacramento officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Will, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A local trophy maker sighed, "I request to thrash his uvula."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman bravely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Council voted carefully to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise wildly requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.

A Tax Impact Evaluation League plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking vagabond.

Chances are 99 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Heated up over the news, a distraught grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Thomas, the Santa Cruz Stalkers broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Andrew Weiss exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Thomas couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so inscrutable, I may kiss our buffalo of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Thomas's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."