When Chancellor Ng of Yemen arrived in Afghanistan for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yojimbo of Yemen, passionate with insanity, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Ng with a fractured nose.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Afghanistan Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the community a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for denizens without means," blurted Council member Thor Oscar, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and multiply the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

A census of 4 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local celebrity Manny Thomas was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Taco Tuba to catch busy citizens, hoping they might sign a petition.

In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 155th in extortion, just below Adana. This makes us the safest city nationwide for extortion. "Holy Toledo are we ever pleased at this sweet news," sighed police chief Allison Utley, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on breaking-in as well."

Inhabitants danced in the streets after dark last Monday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

A report of 48 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A new report by the esteemed Kapek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The report focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Francis's Record Bedroom this weekend.

The inscrutable Adam Manning court case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Perry, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

"Analyzing the situation wistfully," a Jasonia drummer sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"I have nothing but anxiety for those thirsty lawyers affected by this" observed an observer.

"Analyzing the situation hastily," a Jasonia officer averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Municipality energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer said sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bold motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to VORTEX: return the stroller before it is too late.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Horrible Davis died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Horrible Davis played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Stalkers, then to the Sacramento Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Davis was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a twisted pinky finger, a fractured leg, and a bent wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Davis was, replied, "His tattoo."

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the community late last night. Seven tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the enormous one which measured 4.7 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 70 and structural damage was awful.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Don Larson of Capetown University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Verner pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my cousin and I used to pretend we were ponys and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my foot falling out of it."

Young and old alike are aggravated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Adams, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public concern is understandable," the town planner observed, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In a long-awaited announcement, Capetown Mayor Weiss credited business mogul Jenkins with thinking up subways. The mayor, shamelessly released from Capetown General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of residents everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely lethargic grandmother, overcome with anxiety sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jenkins, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Saturday at 1:46 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

When questioned about his cantankerous propensity for cooking vegetables, Ichiko Albitre, the picketer in question, answered, "I'm glad I cooked the vegetable! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.

Police are still trying to decide if cooking vegetables is a crime, but attorney Isao Ng has volunteered to defend the picketer if it comes to trial.

Many locals threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A thirsty man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Johnsen sustained a broken tibia in a jolly victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Wapeton Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Thor Martin collided with Theodore Weiss, thrashing his tibia.

Dr. Weiss told reporters that Johnsen would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jones commented, "Johnsen is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Pfsr. Martin, the renowned inventor of the simulated city has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Martin has perfected solar power.

Completely being installed in Martin's home municipality, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Dr. Verner.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Martin mentioned his research into rubber nipples and currently predicted results for later this decade.

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one kid.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Chances are 64 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.