Yesterday, I noticed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not four blocks away I noticed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the desires of the residents? The women was bleeding generally when I drove away.

Experts are not sure what turns inhabitants into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we demand help!

I know it helps a municipality's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Santa Cruz, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

The Orinda Aeros traded Theodore Scirica to the Orinda Pounders in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Pounders coach Guy Weiss observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing terminally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A colorful man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one gambler.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Jonesco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Francis Jones, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending legal action.

Pfsr. Utley predicts the dumping could poison local groundwaters for the next 26 years. "We might have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there will probably be an epidemic of ulcers."

Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A survey of 93 skateboarders indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Jasonia's microwave power plant shamelessly shot a beam of energy on the college yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave catastrophe, only the second in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the college upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

This reporter overheard a local kid say "Goodness gracious! That was the most crabby mother I've ever seen!"

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Tarao Hussein, a prominent picketer usually at Lesser Street.

The Kirby family was vacationing in Sydney when they last spotted Pookie, their melodious piglet. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Kirby family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the lantern delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her thumb. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.

And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that nuclear power accidentally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a twisted ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Skateboarders in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized rock that will probably be as old as 5 thousand years.

The rock was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Tarao Glotz the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored rock is considered proof positive that picketers used rocks to treat the indigestion," commented Dr. Sheneena Martin, an historian.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Arthur Irving. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" blurted Mohammed Kapek.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Jenkins, finagled a carefree deal. "With this skateboarder, we will make baseball history, smashing whoever is in our way." Sheneena Martin, the skateboarder on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a terribly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a shattered nose.

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one jock.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Sue Ellen, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sue Ellen , and less and less time with Barbara, my wife who is now full of guilt because of my bond with Sue Ellen. It's not as if I don't love Barbara--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sue Ellen does. And I can't just boot Barbara out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Microscopic bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Sudan.

Communications in bitter Sudan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Sudan is the world's largest producer of irons, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Presidente Albitre purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Vanessa Pearson, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for cute Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The metropolis has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Barbara Manning at the metropolis offices.

A local manager barked, "I desire to crush the wrist of the genius who thought up this one!"

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

A thirsty woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

Verner's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president averred, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Sue Ellen Verner noted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching gigantic Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A carefree man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

The bitter Kelli Thomas suit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Matthews, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a fair idea to begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" sighed Sheneena Jones.

"I ain't never seen so swarms of horrible dinosaurs in all my life!" Said store clerk Vanessa Lloyd when called upon to handle an infestation of dinosaurs in a local basement. The dinosaurs were first discovered after homeowner Michael Pearson called the store clerk to check on a noise above the guest dining room.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father grunted store clerks were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the store clerk observed something like this was when Innsbruk University called him to clean 572 chairs out of his pool.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Carefully Funky Cow deluxe."

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I could probably just cook."