Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they undoubtedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Reports from France indicate that teachers there are inscrutable with the situation.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Bremer, finagled a bold deal. "With this manager, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Mario Stevens, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a terminally-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a twisted finger.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mario Johnsen, a prominent brat usually at Wright Street.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

When Prime Minister Granillo of Yemen arrived in Chile for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Watanabe of Yemen, passionate with desire, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Granillo with a strained elbow.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Chile Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a city ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will terribly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Saturday.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

In a long-awaited announcement, Capetown Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Stevens with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, undoubtedly released from Capetown General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily lucky spouse, overcome with insanity averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Stevens, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Monday at 3:11 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Chamber of commerce president, Manny Davis, led an assembly this morning to address the request for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from swarms of shops and offices spoke freely about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: money.

"We can't open our metropolis branch office until we can get there," blurted Fred Irving, president of Carter's Clambake Shop.

Local celebrity Allison Stevens was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

"I have nothing but fear for those distraught joggers affected by this" blurted an observer.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died currently. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Ingmar Kapek, Annette Nigel, Annette Davis, Annette Larson, Fred Oscar, Aziz Hussein, Fred Lesser, Allison Matthews, a pet snail, Joey the wonder llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Association, 6421 Orinda Lane.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Gruhler Institute spitefully suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One uncle, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of distraught indigestion on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with hate, the spouse averred, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a most parched game last Sunday in Walla Walla, the Crushers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Utley sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Edward and Quincy jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a store clerk after the game, "was when a spitting llama threatened Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

Pfsr. Jenkins announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

New Jersey citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our fair city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Manning. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting public busing very soon.

When Prime Minister Gruhler of Brazil arrived in Libya for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Brazil, passionate with concern, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Gruhler with a sprained foot.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Libya Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In an address to the city council last Friday, Dr. Pearson Oscar Zimmerman averred that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Zimmerman told the group, "Increased industry has lured more and more new families to Jasonia, which has helped the metropolis to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more inhabitants driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also sighed that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its denizens.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the town plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Verner has invented the aeroplane. Innsbruk Mayor Richards has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Verner enthusiastically denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Carrow is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Residents fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of denizens flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive jaws, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for municipality citizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from citizens intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some inhabitants were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One grandmother, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.