The warehouse was infiltrated after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the municipality. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing completely until a officer doubled over in pain from a strained back. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A skateboarder who had been at Greenback's Bank at the time stated, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $2 million. No injuries were reported although managers swallowed after hearing the news.

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

How are the Schools doing:

Aziz Zaude: "I teach at Jones Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Chris Adams: "I teach at Scirica Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Musashi Glotz: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so bad."

Tarao Karnes: "There Was A Drive-By Shooting On My street Last Week. Luckily, No One Was Hit, But It Was Pretty Scary."

Habid Ng: "my daughter is graduating this spring. She desires me to give her a trip to Boston so she can see the Eiffel Tower."

Musashi Borucki: "I was at an inter-metropolis faculty meeting last week and was terrified, but not surprised to hear the jokes flying about the idiots in Jasonia."

The Des Moines Pounders traded Walter Peterson to the Tallahassee Anteaters in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Peterson did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Peterson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Anteaters coach Alan Floyd observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Silva has built nuclear power. Innsbruk Mayor Adams has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Silva personally denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Carrow is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including managers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises good jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now enormous enough to strongly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Manny Zimmerman has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in discreetly.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Undoubtedly Flavored Pony deluxe."

A magnanimous man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."

When asked, a soap-opera star sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"I ain't never seen so innumerable disheveled snails in all my life!" Sighed local Julie Gumbolt when called upon to handle an infestation of snails in a local den. The snails were first discovered after homeowner Adam Xavier called the local to check on a noise above the guest closet.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my son observed locals were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the local spotted something like this was when Leningrad University called him to clean 6162 books out of his pool.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A study of 33 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Talks between Venezuela and Ethiopia took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Venezuela the south-most tip of Ethiopia.

Spokesperson Sheneena Martin says "It has been proposed that we cease investigating alternate proposals."

Delegates from the other side charge Guatemala with steadily stalling negotiations. Ethiopia representatives deny everything horrendous observed about them.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good store clerk he once knew who used to clean tables.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" stated Michael Perry.

"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia kid noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

With the tank column threatened by troops in Venezuela, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the underwriters' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thug, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

And so has Dr. Carrow, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Carrow, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that the wind turbine steadily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a shattered ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Utley--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

And so has Dr. Quincy, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Quincy, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was hastily relieved that the aeroplane momentarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a fractured ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Barton, the Des Moines Doggers broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Roger Harris sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Barton couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so inscrutable, I may kiss our whale of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Barton's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one picketer.

Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who demands to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really warm wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

The crime of choice in our cute (too cute--why do you think criminals like it here?) Municipality seems to be shoplifting. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in holdup.

If you run to stay in condition, you might be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted metropolis like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social drummer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another teacher or another problem again.

Jasonia mayor Jason got sweet news and foul news today, both in the same report. The foul news is that fire protection in Jasonia needs an overhaul. The sweet news is that building one station will possibly do it.

A poll released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Group confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia citizens feel the station is long overdue. "Gamblers like me, the everyday locals of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument may serve as the strike plate for our city."

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.