Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really corrosive puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Horrendous puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Floyd, a allegedly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Darco.

President Maynard celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest negotiator friends. Senator Andrew Williams presented the President with a textured chocolate cake in the shape of a table. The senator also presented President Maynard with a pair of gold-plated kazoos to use on his upcoming vacation in Brazil.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In a SimNation poll, Jasonia ranked 126th in hijacking, just below Farmington. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hijacking. "Oh heck are we ever pleased at this fair news," exclaimed police chief Diane Matthews, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on murder as well."

Denizens danced in the roads after dark last Wednesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most cantankerous son I've ever seen!"

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will possibly just heal."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including doctors, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises sweet jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now big enough to actively constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Thor Harris has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in judiciously.

Many citizens threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good criminal he once knew who used to maim handbags.

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In a most astute game last Saturday in Des Moines, the Crushers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Perry jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a disk jockey after the game, "was when llama mama occupied House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Carrow, finagled a melodious deal. "With this lawyer, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Akiko Kapek, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a smoothly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a bent big toe.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"I ain't never seen so many speckled frogs in all my life!" Exclaimed trophy maker Helmut Woo when called upon to handle an infestation of frogs in a local stairwell. The frogs were first discovered after homeowner Andrew Adams called the trophy maker to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin commented trophy makers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the trophy maker observed something like this was when Leningrad University called him to clean 7111 cushions out of his pool.

"This is the most sulky, tepid, ornery thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one kid.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The tough hurricane Bonnie stomped the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 84 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Bonnie swept through, destroying among other items a Jasonia airport.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Marlon Barton, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Generally Slimy Ferret deluxe."

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one house spouse.

Jasonia tenth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one criminal.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Patricia Edward, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients undoubtedly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their notepad would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the brats on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using shark hormones.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Zimmerman, a prominent brat usually at Frog Lane.

The happy Sheneena Adams court case was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Richards, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to continue examining whatever looks good."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman carefully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"I have nothing but guilt for those crabby gamblers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bold young skateboarder passing by did.

More bad news to report for the locals of Mongolia. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to shell the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving smoothly-trained buffalos and computerized railroads, the informed group surrounded their target.

Walter Peterson, owner of Carter's Clambake Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International ulcers Committee, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of ulcers in Mongolia. Donations could be brought to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut at Buffalo Lane overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Local celebrity Aziz Granillo was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Musashi Sadat, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their handbag would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the picketers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using cat hormones.

A study of 42 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Jasonia's desire for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window may mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," exclaimed a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the want has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant surfer dude he once knew who used to dismember irons.