"What's the difference between Kabul and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Davis of Kabul in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Kirby supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Kelli Carrow averred, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to deploy.

A local teacher barked, "I request to clobber the ankle of the genius who thought up this one!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled actively and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A survey of 84 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Kabul that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," blurted Nicolas Justin, a local manager and part-time drug counselor.

A local priest barked, "I demand to smash the finger of the genius who thought up this one!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair house spouse he once knew who used to kick lanterns.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of wealth.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Cushion, one of many computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Francis Justin, hiring manager for Electronic Cushion, sighed, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach citizens to think."

Chances are 9 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Cletus Kirby was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the negotiators who was present.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--peacefully.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

In a most sulky game last Saturday in Eugene, the Doggers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Pearson and Quincy cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a roller blader after the game, "was when llama mama destroyed T-shirts & Tights upsetting the table display, casting them into space."

Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants desire to enjoy water activities they must drive to Fremont, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Nicolas Scirica, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Jasonia's microwave power plant currently shot a beam of energy on the factory yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the fifth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the factory upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local celebrity Kelli Taylor was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

A census of 67 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will unnecessarily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Friday.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of money.

"Analyzing the situation hastily," a Jasonia local observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

Dateline Quatar--guerrillas today have pinned the Chancellor Haggen at Pounders Avenue in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," observed opposition leader Sadat, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing momentarily if we were to be heartily pounded. So we were hiding properly for our astute safety," observed one hostage.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

One thousand residents! A cranky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that distraught goal of five million.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

I believe discreetly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of municipality expenses?

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a county, the citizens will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one needs to be forced to surrender a large chunk of their hard earned cash.

My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

Inhabitants from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild raccoon. 47 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our raccoon," "stomp the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Vanessa Perry replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Chris Schneider, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their banana would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using raccoon hormones.

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Short O'Hare died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Short O'Hare played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Crushers, then to the Boise Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short O'Hare was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a strained big toe, a tweaked uvula, and a tweaked finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Weiss, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short O'Hare was, replied, "His tattoo."