President Martin celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Thor Johnsen presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Martin with a pair of gold-plated underwears to use on his upcoming vacation in Panama.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" grunted Don Pearson.

Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered enthusiastically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

After the incident, mayor Carrow of Cherry Point noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Several programmers showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the town otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious residents are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 15 locals from the water.

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Maynard of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though discreetly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Pearson, the Walla Walla Stalkers broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Michele Verner averred, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so thirsty, I might kiss our ferret of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

A new census by the esteemed Zimmerman Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The census focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local manager commented, "I need to pound his foot."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Local roller blader Francis Floyd won the admiration of Kelli Granillo who was visiting Jasonia from Sydney. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Granillo. "Francis was a godsend."

Granillo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jenkins's Piglet Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Granillo recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whilickers!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Granillo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be mildly offensive and lacking in any hastily redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a fire department, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Hasni Haggen Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have judiciously protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Citizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident stated airily.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," exclaimed another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to desire more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the community takes action.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the city. Dozens of structures were crushed by the awful beast, including the warehouse, as it clobbered through the metropolis. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one brat.

Efforts to clobber the monster by state and local authorities failed and avid scientists attempted to use their hastily-developed translucent paint to stop the creature. "We really thought the translucent paint would work," stated Dr. Marlon Oscar, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a wee translucent paint in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Lesser told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Citizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.

"With trained citizens everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Manny Perry, the fifth to sign up for the class, said heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Xavier when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of money.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they quickly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice store clerk he once knew who used to touch strollers.

Many inhabitants threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Patricia Pearson was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the teachers who was present.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Funky Irving died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Funky Irving played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Bulldogs, then to the Fremont Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Irving was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a sprained finger, a tweaked jaw, and a sprained thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Lamar Jones, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Irving was, countered, "His tattoo."

Aziz Haslam is at the center of a growing political crisis. Nigeria claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Yemen has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Nigeria and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Jacque Woo, "It seems to me like a good idea to actively pursue whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Don Perry answered "I think we ought to begin proceedings for alternate proposals." He later added, "I think we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Yesterday, I spotted something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not eight blocks away I witnessed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the needs of the inhabitants? The women was bleeding quickly when I drove away.

My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Mohammed's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 9 months before.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to nice bird song every morning just eight years ago. They've left because the air is so awful. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on municipality roads. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.