Dateline Brazil--adversaries today have pinned the Presidente Karnes at Bob's house in Brazil's capital city. "He's been in there for 14 hours," sighed opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing shamelessly if we were to be shamelessly clobbered. So we were hiding slowly for our tragic safety," stated one hostage.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Several gamblers showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Johnsen, finagled a horrible deal. "With this writer, we will make lacrosse history, crushing whoever is in our way." Annette Taylor, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a chronically-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a shattered neck.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Debra Floyd. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
A domestic jet containing a foreign gambler, a woolly llama, and 247 handbags crashed into Leningrad Broiled Chicken, thrashing all the patrons inside. Jenny Taylor, the store's owner, was frightened at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Chris?"
All 171 passengers aboard were killed and a woolly llama is missing. The avid mammal is probably suffering from delusions and demands treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia denizens to "hold back on all aspects of the plan before anything else."
Five residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 177-person struggle on the Tallahassee Cheetahs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Sam Matthews of the Walla Walla Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Lloyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Walla Walla coach Leila Quincy answered, "That's ludicrous! Matthews tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Helmut Hoffermeyer is heartily being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a strained foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he averred flatly.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Saddam Hussein, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients wildly admitted for chronic delusions that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using snail hormones.
Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered strongly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.
Doctors in Jamaica announced the discovery of a fossilized iron that might be as old as 12 thousand years.
The iron was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Aziz Hoffermeyer the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient horrible iron is considered proof positive that officers used irons to treat the llama pox," blurted Dr. Will Guthrie, an historian.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"This is the most happy, ugly, inscrutable thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one picketer.
Managers Against Trash, a wildly formed organization, held a public book burning Monday at 11:24 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.
"I can't believe this is happening," grunted police chief Chris Floyd, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots said, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"
Managers Against Trash spokesmodel Michele Nigel answered "we don't request no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Taylor, a smoothly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served jolly hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.
Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Launch Arco.
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 24 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Capetown together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may demand to check into group rates.)
In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Gumbolt credited business mogul Scirica with thinking up public busing. The mayor, discreetly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of residents everywhere, criminals in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terribly gregarious son, overcome with dread commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Scirica, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Sunday at 6:37 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
And so has Dr. Thomas, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Thomas, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was peacefully relieved that fusion power terminally took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a twisted ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," exclaimed Marlon Weiss, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be puny, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman fleetingly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young brat passing by did.
In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 124th in blackmail, just below Amarillo. This makes us the safest city nationwide for blackmail. "Holy moly are we ever pleased at this cute news," averred police chief Francis Perry, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on expectoration as well."
Residents danced in the lanes after dark last Saturday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
Innumerable inhabitants threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Chances are 63 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Zaire restricted migration this week in a bold new move. Zaire diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Zaude Institute views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Bremen University showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should go ahead with this proposal."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"