Mayor Jason sighed, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Heated up over the news, a thirsty father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A melodious woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the two hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Barbara Perry, representing the local teachers union commented, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Adana Aeros, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Mario Floyd was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Maynard.

Floyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Adam Utley, Floyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair cyclist he once knew who used to kiss plates.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one criminal.

Following a nationwide plea for legs, Marlon Thomas, a Des Moines doctor, was the recipient of 58 offers of donor legs. The thirsty Marlon noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Stated one.

The Teachers Club spokesperson, Arthur Guthrie said, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role averred, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they unnecessarily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Reportedly Transparent Snail deluxe."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman spontaneously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dateline Quatar--communists today have pinned the Chancellor Zaude at the drive-in movies in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 2 hours," stated opposition leader Glotz, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing completely if we were to be steadily stomped. So we were hiding hastily for our crabby safety," sighed one hostage.

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Holy Toledo! That was the most kinky child I've ever seen!"

A local programmer grunted, "I desire to squish his knee."

"What's the difference between Kabul and New York?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Carrow of Kabul in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Young supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A fire raced through the City Hall causing an estimated seven million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly teacher sustained injuries when she leapt from a 7 story building with her pet fish under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Nine O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia inhabitants that downtown rebuilding will begin beautifully, as many crucial community buildings were destroyed.

"This is the most lethargic, horrible, avid thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one gambler.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" commented Sheneena Harris.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Wright, finagled a cool deal. "With this roller blader, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Musashi Hussein, the roller blader on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a terminally-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a shattered kidney.

Local celebrity Mick Williams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Sheneena Taylor. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Oscar credited business mogul Peterson with thinking up public busing. The mayor, undoubtedly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of citizens everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly distraught neighbor, overcome with nausea commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Peterson, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Sunday at 2:35 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Denizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the installation of a marina. As it is now, when residents request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Wichita, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Fred Weiss, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant vagabond he once knew who used to caress go-carts.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Hollywood starlet Barbara Edward, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Piglet," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 29 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Edward.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Innsbruk for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Alan Sadat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Sadat. "I'm hoping trophy makers will hear about this and start ordering."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 21 about the duck season.

According to Senator Michael Kirby, "I think we should take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Utley responded, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on the passage of this bill."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"Analyzing the situation quickly," a Jasonia disk jockey stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one house spouse.