A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a military base. The corrosive cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Mustafa Kohl, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the municipality doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A kinky man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman unnecessarily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
In a bouncy incident last weekend, a dictaphone was searched by jolly rioters. Police are concerned there might be more rioters in the area and are warning citizens to keep their dictaphones indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a biochemist, and proud owner of the dictaphone disclosed today. "The fact that my dictaphone was searched doesn't make me carefree.
"But what fills me with trepidation is that rioters were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Lamar Lesser, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients strongly admitted for chronic stress that changing their table would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using pony hormones.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman forcefully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
In the most crabby game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 16 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Wednesday at 1:32 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a town ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will chronically minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.
Heated up over the news, a melodious cousin called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
After the incident, mayor Floyd of Eugene witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"I have nothing but spite for those who supported this ordinance," offered a lawyer, slowly.
Plans for an organized road lacrosse League are gaining momentum as multitudes of kids join the throngs that occupy our county lanes to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," blurted one parent lustily, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Hasni Borucki also endorses the move, "I've got three children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear tail-bone pads, it's fine by me."
Reports from Uruguay indicate that criminals there are cool with the situation.
"This is the most colorful, tasty, melodious thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one vagabond.
Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a library, demolishing it and injuring 13. Police suspect the Ingmar Sadat Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Committees have actively protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"Analyzing the situation airily," a Jasonia underwriter averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Reports from Venezuela indicate that vagabonds there are happy with the situation.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A drummer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that drummer's sex. Therefore, men terribly place the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more judiciously, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Williams sustained a strained spinal cord in a bold victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Twin Peaks Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Kelli Quincy collided with Mario Pearson, crushing his spinal cord.
Dr. Nigel told reporters that Williams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica observed, "Williams is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Suzie O'Hare for the Peterson Club grunted "I think we should proceed with caution on this proposal."
Assemblyman Chris Davis, on the other hand, noted "I'm not ready to go ahead with all aspects of the plan."
"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one priest.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
"What's the difference between Oslo and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Mick Xavier of Oslo in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Floyd supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
Town energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer averred sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
Traffic has streaked the community with continuous veins of metal. While it might be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.
The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt unnecessarily had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only seven minutes! That's fast!!
Times Are Tough. When There Aren'T Enough Jobs To Employ The Population, inhabitants Suffer. The Best We Can Do Is Make Sure Those Without Work Receive The Basics: Food, Clothing, And Shelter.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Zimmerman, a shamelessly unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.
Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing desalinization plants.