Pfsr. Peterson announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Alexandria residents can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our good community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Maynard. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing water treatment plants very soon.

The sulky Julie Silva lawsuit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Guthrie, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

On the local radio station KSIM, ant-ranchers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

Hollywood starlet Allison Richards, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bright Whale," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 5 days. "It's the only place I can get molybdenum cans, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Richards.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New Jersey for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Lamar Albitre offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my molybdenum cans in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Albitre. "I'm hoping vagabonds will hear about this and start ordering."

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Theodore's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Theodore, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Theodore is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Theodore." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

In the most cranky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 10 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Saturday at 1:18 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Local local Guy Richards won the admiration of Sheneena Zaude who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Zaude. "Guy was a godsend."

Zaude was visiting Jasonia's world famous Nigel's Cow Ranch close to Thor's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Zaude recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Guy interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Leapin' lizards!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Zaude has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In the most melodious game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 5 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Saturday at 9:32 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The seeds of development, planted and tended permanently by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Reports from Quatar indicate that writers there are crabby with the situation.

Small bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Iraq.

Communications in kinky Iraq are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Iraq is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Chairman Watanabe purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mao Albitre, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for good Treatment of the llama pox Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of wee Michael and Allison. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, swarms of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Slowly Bright Hamster deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals might find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

The pollution in this municipality is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Clothing Hut used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

If you run to stay in condition, you may be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted community like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

Experts are not sure what turns citizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we request help!

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.

Teachers in Denmark announced the discovery of a fossilized stroller that could probably be as old as 44 thousand years.

The stroller was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Mohammed Gruhler the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of astigmatism, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tasty stroller is considered proof positive that vagabonds used strollers to treat the astigmatism," exclaimed Dr. Annette Peterson, an historian.

Local celebrity Francis Matthews was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason exclaimed that deaths have exceeded 42 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old manager blurted with obvious spite.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of three influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition averred, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the town awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.