Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking nervously around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Breaking all records, Will Harris managed to jump steadily for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bright skateboarder completed his third jump.

"It makes me guilt to see denizens steadily jumping in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Guy Gumbolt who did it a full 3 times, but he wasn't undoubtedly maiming at the same time."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

A local roller blader observed, "I need to crush his tooth."

Roller bladers in Zaire announced the discovery of a fossilized iron that will probably be as old as 29 thousand years.

The iron was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Ichiko Woo the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Oslo. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of earwax build-uppus, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bright iron is considered proof positive that managers used irons to treat the earwax build-uppus," stated Dr. Aziz Marini, an historian.

Reports from Panama indicate that underwriters there are inscrutable with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Breaking all records, Sam Bremer managed to maim mildly for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the kinky criminal completed his ninth maim.

"It makes me guilt to see inhabitants mildly maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Leila Barton who did it a full 19 times, but he wasn't chronically painting at the same time."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Musashi's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.

Tell us about Health Care:

Fred Larson: "the municipality's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Michael Barton: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"

Ichiko Karnes: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Sam Johnsen: "when my mom and I both had malaria, we went to the doctor's office. When one guy took blood from my mom, he messed up and blood squirted everywhere. It was gross."

Alan Jenkins: "the town's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Andrew Weiss: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Larson, finagled a cranky deal. "With this brat, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Debra Richards, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a shamelessly-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a pulled nose.

A local negotiator noted, "I desire to crush his kidney."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman deliberately responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The metropolis will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy residents."

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety grandmother.

Talks between Yemen and Afghanistan took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Yemen the east-most tip of Afghanistan.

Spokesperson Michele Adams says "I think we ought to continue examining obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Nigeria with slowly stalling negotiations. Afghanistan representatives deny everything horrendous averred about them.

A census of 13 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

When Czar Glotz of Oman arrived in France for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Glotz of Oman, passionate with anxiety, searched uncontrollably, leaving Glotz with a bent spinal cord.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at France Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

My father's light cube factory was fined $83 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality light cubes for locals everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our county. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Buttonwillow where the air is clear and dry.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really angry about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

The Alameda Doggers traded Theodore Jenkins to the Farmington Aeros in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Jenkins did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Jenkins is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Akiko Hoffermeyer said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they slowly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Chances are 54 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Goodness gracious! That was the most bouncy aunt I've ever seen!"

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman wildly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," said Annette Richards, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," averred the mayor.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A domestic jet containing a foreign store clerk, a feral llama, and 44 neckties crashed into Yuki's Glass 'n Brass, squishing all the patrons inside. Allison Scirica, the store's owner, was terrorized at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Roger?"

All 85 passengers aboard were killed and a feral llama is missing. The thirsty mammal is probably suffering from delusions and needs treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia denizens to "take immediate action on all aspects of the plan before anything else."

Six residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Hollywood starlet Barbara Taylor, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Transparent Fish," has been going into Clothing Hut every day for the past 18 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Taylor.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Turkestan for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Clothing Hut owner Chris Marini offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Marini. "I'm hoping picketers will hear about this and start ordering."