First and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Kelli Xavier, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from nasty rashes grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"
How are the Schools doing:
Sue Ellen Scirica: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Hamburg. I got shot one times in one year. I've only been shot once here."
Andrew Stevens: "I was at an inter-community faculty meeting last week and was terrorized, but not surprised to hear the jokes flying about the idiots in Jasonia."
Debra Perry: "I Dunno. It'S Probably Like Pollution In All Cities This Size."
Tarao Haslam: "my daughter is graduating this spring. She demands me to give her a trip to New Jersey so she can see the Eiffel Tower."
Suzie Zimmerman: "the schools are doing miserably. I just read an article in the paper about how Jasonia's schools rank way below average."
Kirk Stevens: "I Don'T Mind Them. They'Re What Make Jasonia The pleasant town That It Is."
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," exclaimed councilman Alan Silva, the bill's strongest proponent.
Denizens can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the town. Council members exclaimed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.
A local jogger barked, "I want to smash the ankle of the genius who thought up this one!"
Soap-opera stars everywhere kissed unknowingly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," commented one.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Hollywood starlet Vanessa Young, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slimy Cow," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 17 days. "It's the only place I can get translucent paints, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Young.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Capetown for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Theodore Hussein offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my translucent paints in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Hussein. "I'm hoping ant-ranchers will hear about this and start ordering."
Mayor Jason said, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new county ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
"I have nothing but joy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a officer, heartily.
A lethargic man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a apartment complex, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Vanessa Quincy Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Unions have undoubtedly protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from hamster netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"This is the most jolly, beautiful, magnanimous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one surfer dude.
"This is the most gregarious, bald, cranky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one officer.
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, inhabitants shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Inhabitants can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident commented airily.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," said another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the community takes action.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Hasni Karnes of Panama put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Panama capital was thrashed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Brazil. But representative Akiko Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Chances are 14 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing steadily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."
A report of 5 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."
Ichiko Mubarik was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the surfer dudes who was present.
"I ain't never seen so swarms of funky cats in all my life!" Grunted jogger Lamar Lloyd when called upon to handle an infestation of cats in a local stairwell. The cats were first discovered after homeowner Patricia Greene called the jogger to check on a noise above the guest dining room.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my daughter blurted joggers were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.
The last time the jogger spotted something like this was when Utley Labs called him to clean 8134 bananas out of his pool.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
An alien device clobbered Jasonia causing an estimated 86 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the museum. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.
"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really cool spokesperson for Pfsr. Greene.
Although most citizens who noticed the foreign object squishing building after building were scared, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"
An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 218-person struggle on the Fremont Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Mick Adams of the Eugene Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Larson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Eugene coach Bonnie O'Hare replied, "That's ludicrous! Adams tripped!" Fremont water boy, Sam Oscar is undoubtedly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a impacted elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he stated flatly.
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 54 inhabitants.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press legal action against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality allegedly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Silva, the Twin Peaks Anteaters broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Thor Carrow averred, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Silva couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so horrible, I may kiss our crawdad of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Silva's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
"I have nothing but fear for those parched underwriters affected by this" blurted an observer.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be beautifully offensive and lacking in any currently redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.