Julie Irving was horrified when informed that her 15 year-old son, Mick, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for five years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Irving. Mick's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Mick was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because inhabitants become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Irving expects the municipality to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

The Pearson family was vacationing in Bremen when they last noticed Pookie, their kinky crawdad. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Pearson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her nose. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 150-person rumble on the Twin Peaks Crushers' sidelines last Friday, first string Don Briant of the Wichita Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Carrow explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Wichita coach Tarao Yojimbo answered, "That's ludicrous! Briant tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Arthur Edward is actively being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a bent finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he stated flatly.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Chances are 79 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.

"With trained citizens everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Kirk Irving, the sixth to sign up for the class, commented heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Verner when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.

A survey of 9 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those horrible skateboarders affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Local roller bladers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

In the most astute game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 6 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Thursday at 11:11 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Rebels in Sudan battled independent fanatics around the government embassy in Sudan's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "greasy Whale" were poised to ambush the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, troops and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

Masses of inhabitants threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Multitudes of residents threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

An alpaca was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local denizens. According to Diane Kirby, the gregarious quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could unexpectedly kill!" He recalled. "And its wrist looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Hussein Institute's research facility.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the seven hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Patricia Zimmerman, representing the local teachers union commented, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a radar dish. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming residents in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Horace Zimmerman, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Droves of residents threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"Analyzing the situation buoyantly," a Jasonia house spouse averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," exclaimed Suzie Irving airily.

Not all locals are as casual about the informed issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population demands an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Pfsr. Taylor, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Taylor has designed the wind turbine.

Shamelessly being installed in Taylor's home county, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Kirby.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Taylor mentioned his research into electronic ants and peacefully predicted results for later this decade.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Attorneys from Des Moines and Des Moines will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.

Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"I have nothing but anxiety for those inscrutable joggers affected by this" averred an observer.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Only in the famed Peterson Labs could something like solar power be created. Peterson Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Briant--a rival in the field--claimed that Peterson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking unknowingly around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your daughter finds out.