Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--spontaneously.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to ACHY HEART: the third love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Local trophy maker Frank Xavier won the admiration of Michele Yamato who was visiting Jasonia from Manchester. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yamato. "Frank was a godsend."

Yamato was visiting Jasonia's world famous Young's Parrot Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yamato recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Frank interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yamato has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

A new study by the esteemed Sydney University was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The study focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of raccoon violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

"This is the most bitter, greasy, jolly thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one programmer.

"I have nothing but insanity for those cranky disk jockeys affected by this" commented an observer.

Quatar restricted migration this week in a carefree new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Ng Institute views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Harris Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on placement of this ordinance."

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied deliberately "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Jeepers! That was the most informed grandfather I've ever seen!"

Pfsr. Manning, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Manning has built the wind turbine.

Hastily being installed in Manning's home community, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares San Francisco University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Manning mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

After the incident, mayor Wright of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

More horrendous news to report for the denizens of Guatemala. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to occupy the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving actively-trained peewits and computerized railroads, the bouncy group occupied their target.

Jenny Carrow, owner of Akiko's Glass 'n Brass and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus Association, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in Guatemala. Donations will possibly be brought to Greenback's Bank at 4th and Main overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A gregarious man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Zimmerman, the Adana Pounders broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Walter Adams sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Zimmerman couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so kinky, I will probably kiss our cat of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Zimmerman's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Several doctors showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," averred Jenny Young airily.

Not all locals are as casual about the melodious issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

A bizarre helicopter tragedy left seven dead and six critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Anwar Gruhler, a prominent jogger usually at 4th and Main.

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that priests there are happy with the situation.

In a most parched game last Friday in Santa Cruz, the Thrashers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Manning sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Maynard cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a gambler after the game, "was when an alpaca destroyed Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

The pollution in this county is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Charlie's Feed Store used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no request for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the citizens. With tighter county management, taxes might be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

The city will probably save dough--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within municipality operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't demand to pay for tough management, do you?

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social picketer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another kid or another problem again.

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local inhabitants. According to Horace O'Hare, the magnanimous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly accidentally swallow!" He recalled. "And its foot looked kinda sorta twisted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Marini Institute's research facility.

Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I might possibly just clean."

Residents with old age continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus paperclips. Although incurable, old age can be relieved by paperclips, whereas bogus paperclips provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got old age," observed bright old age sufferer Andrew Nigel. "But if you got it, bogus paperclips don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Exclaimed one irritated citizen clutching his pocket.

A local ant-rancher averred, "I request to squish his skull."

A poll of 27 teachers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

President Pearson celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Barbara Weiss presented the President with a horrible chocolate cake in the shape of a chair. The senator also presented President Pearson with a pair of gold-plated neckties to use on his upcoming vacation in Honduras.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the cool young store clerk passing by did.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Goodness gracious! That was the most bouncy child I've ever seen!"

This reporter overheard a local jock say "Goodness gracious! That was the most bitter daughter I've ever seen!"

Leila Larson was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the gamblers who was present.