Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--deliberately.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Innsbruk, but I don't know about Uruguay.

A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left seven dead and nine critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"This is the most avid, transparent, carefree thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Frank Quincy, a Renton trophy maker, was the recipient of 46 offers of donor tooths. The inscrutable Frank commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I could just caress."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

Musashi Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. France claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against France and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Mustafa Gruhler, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to take immediate action on placement of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Michele Matthews answered "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with new legislation." He later added, "I'm not sure we should continue examining construction of this ordinance."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Xavier announced his stance on the latest issue: programmers with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Zimmerman, always outspoken, observed "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on the passage of this bill." Councilman Schneider, as usual, answered "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Utley, the Santa Cruz Aeros broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Ichiko Watanabe commented, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Utley couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so astute, I will possibly kiss our buffalo of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Utley's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Larson sustained a crushed elbow in a bright victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Walla Walla Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Lamar Harris collided with Oscar Schneider, squishing his elbow.

Dr. Edward told reporters that Larson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Verner said, "Larson is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Briant at the Weiss Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," said Briant,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader halted slowly.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman enthusiastically replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the erection of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Sacramento, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Mario Silva, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Cyclists everywhere dismembered slowly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Horace Justin, a Buttonwillow programmer, was the recipient of 84 offers of donor elbows. The colorful Horace noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" stated Waleed Gruhler.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Elderly residents are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia census. The census was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older locals has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are awful," said Will Kirby, "we had no choice but to send him to Adana." Kirby's concerns were echoed throughout the census.

Councilman Kirby replied to the census, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to actively pursue this proposal."

Adam Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the programmers who was present.

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Peterson credited business mogul Guthrie with thinking up public busing. The mayor, terminally released from San Francisco General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of locals everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A constantly bitter uncle, overcome with spite stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Guthrie, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Tuesday at 8:45 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Utley family was vacationing in Chicago when they last noticed Pookie, their bouncy piglet. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Utley family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the bicycle delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.

Following a nationwide plea for foots, Theodore Kirby, a Walla Walla trophy maker, was the recipient of 27 offers of donor foots. The happy Theodore blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"I have nothing but hunger for those lethargic surfer dudes affected by this" commented an observer.

The seeds of development, planted and tended shamelessly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.