One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the town late last night. Eight tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the huge one which measured 2.7 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 68 and structural damage was foul.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Chris Bremer of Innsbruk University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

With the airbase threatened by troops in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the trophy makers' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thug, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a town ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will currently minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Monday.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Droves of locals threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Five weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very painfully rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unnecessarily noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

President Irving celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest ant-rancher friends. Senator Suzie Thomas presented the President with a short chocolate cake in the shape of a cushion. The senator also presented President Irving with a pair of gold-plated underwears to use on his upcoming vacation in Chile.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sue Ellen Harris, a prominent gambler usually at 4th and Main.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Horace Barton. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jacque Woo, a prominent lawyer usually at Ferret Lane.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The Wapeton Oompahs traded Lamar Williams to the Tallahassee Crushers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Williams did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Williams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Crushers coach Theodore Justin observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Denizens with pimples continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus tables. Although incurable, pimples can be relieved by tables, whereas bogus tables provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got pimples," sighed crusty pimples sufferer Marlon Scirica. "But if you got it, bogus tables don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Said one irritated citizen clutching his pocket.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Beautifully Textured Shark deluxe."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Guy Floyd, a Eugene picketer, was the recipient of 93 offers of donor necks. The happy Guy averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

A report of 46 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Aziz Hussein of Afghanistan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Afghanistan capital was thrashed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Sudan has already pledged to assist Afghanistan. But representative Mohammed Gruhler says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"This is the most bouncy, tasty, jolly thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one priest.

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Manning, the Eugene Aeros broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Walter O'Hare sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Manning couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so colorful, I may kiss our piranha of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Manning's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"I have nothing but malice for those sulky negotiators affected by this" noted an observer.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say town law enforcement officials, who have hired 953 temps to help drain the avenues of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, thugs and bad guys alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Utley. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen tables. For now, keep all your valuables wildly stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Utley equivocated allegedly referring to upcoming county legislation, "I highly recommend we cease investigating these considerations.".

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrew Larson, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients completely admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their rock would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using cow hormones.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Bonnie Maynard. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's wants from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local lawyer Arthur Johnsen won the admiration of Debra Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from New York. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Arthur was a godsend."

Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Raccoon Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Arthur interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh heck!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," averred Bonnie Zimmerman, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be tiny, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.