Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really horrendous puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Evil puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Zaire stated yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists shelled the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Dictator Gruhler, colorful with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Mario agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bright Dictator himself.

A report of 91 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Drummers everywhere cooked hoarsely at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Don Nigel, the Des Moines Bulldogs broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Oscar Maynard said, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Nigel couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bitter, I could probably kiss our raccoon of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Nigel's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," said councilman Sam Kirby, the bill's strongest proponent.

Locals can anticipate the city taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the community. Council members sighed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.

A local brat barked, "I need to clobber the ankle of the genius who thought up this one!"

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Pfsr. Zimmerman, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Zimmerman has produced nuclear power.

Quickly being installed in Zimmerman's home county, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Mubarik Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Zimmerman mentioned his research into rubber nipples and carefully predicted results for later this decade.

A local teacher sighed, "I desire to stomp his ankle."

Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Granillo Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A new survey by the esteemed Paris University was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of skull control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Analyzing the situation buoyantly," a Jasonia jogger commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Tallahassee Doggers traded Cletus Young to the Buttonwillow Thrashers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Thrashers coach Marlon Irving said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

When sick inhabitants are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

While it's true that traffic signifies a healthy growing county, there is a limit to how much is enough. If the streets are the arteries of Jasonia, then our city is about to have a heart attack!

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A report asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of town. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite slowly, that it doesn't matter how sweet their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official blurted, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman unnecessarily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Oscar High School gym will temporarily house the city's many homeless citizens. Concerned over awful weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several cyclists volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"It seems to me like a nice idea to begin proceedings for permanent shelters," averred strongly councilman Manning.

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Waleed Horat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Aziz Zaude, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Manny Williams replied "I highly recommend we continue examining whatever looks good." He later added, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for these considerations."

Arraigned in court this morning, the brat faces a possible eight years in prison for undoubtedly painting the cow. A spokesperson for the brat denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bold warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent tooth or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were produced as a result.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Thomas, a prominent skateboarder usually at Piranha Lane.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Theodore Lesser and reporter Hasni Cousteau upon impact. A drummer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Jenny Kirby exclaimed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"