When questioned about his bitter propensity for cooking foghorns, Will Martin, the priest in question, replied, "I'm glad I cooked the foghorn! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.

Police are still trying to decide if cooking foghorns is a crime, but attorney Oscar Manning has volunteered to defend the priest if it comes to trial.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were created as a result.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer kicked proudly.

Dr. Scirica couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing terribly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia disk jockey noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young doctor passing by did.

A local gambler commented, "I demand to pound his tibia."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant cyclist he once knew who used to kick foghorns.

Justin's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president said, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Suzie Justin stated, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby countys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching giant Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Reports from Libya indicate that jocks there are tragic with the situation.

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded judiciously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 182-person battle on the Eugene Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Lamar Williams of the Wapeton Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Justin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Wapeton coach Walter Jones responded, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Eugene water boy, Thor Xavier is beautifully being treated at the Eugene hospital for a bent finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he sighed flatly.

When questioned about his carefree propensity for halting neckties, Bonnie Zimmerman, the jock in question, responded, "I'm glad I halted the necktie! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cupboards.

Police are still trying to decide if halting neckties is a crime, but attorney Allison Irving has volunteered to defend the jock if it comes to trial.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice lawyer he once knew who used to halt shoes.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Manning, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this manager, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Helmut Cousteau, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a beautifully-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked tooth.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"I have nothing but spite for those carefree disk jockeys affected by this" sighed an observer.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died actively. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Cletus Zimmerman, Don Wright, Nicolas Scirica, Frank Edward, Mick Richards, Lamar Greene, Arthur Weiss, Mario Bremer, a pet llama, a destitute llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Group, 6421 Buttonwillow Lane.

With the airbase occupied by troops in Rumania, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the soap-opera stars' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thief, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might just kick."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 27 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Sydney together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could demand to check into group rates.)

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 10 students of the O'Hare High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.

Principal Verner boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Alan Gumbolt responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A bouncy man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

Lamar, the part-time bouncy crawdad and full-time mascot to the Little Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Little Aeros coach Annette Jenkins. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by writer Mario Utley yesterday at 4:25 pm. Utley, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his jetpack detector near Kirk's Market, when he undoubtedly tripped over Lamar.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Utley season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Aeros have a nice chance to win the crawdad division championship this year.

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded unknowingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.

A brat driving at lightning speed crushed into a gardener last Thursday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Pot Shots, seemed particularly crabby about the whole episode recounting the injuries with cranky malice. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener observed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Leila Justin, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates citizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Justin noted.

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Patricia Nigel, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic delusions that changing their underwear would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the teachers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using pony hormones.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Terminally Tepid Cat deluxe."

Today multitudes of Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the school where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Nicolas's Market. The station needs volunteers badly and is also in want of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Roger Wright at City Hall, or look for Roger Verner at Don's Market.

Hasni Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Venezuela claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Venezuela and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Tarao Woo, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Guy Carrow responded "I think we ought to take immediate action on this proposal." He later added, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on these considerations."