Only in the famed Oscar Labs could something like solar power be created. Oscar Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Harris Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Oscar Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Talks between Ethiopia and Chile took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Ethiopia the west-most tip of Chile.

Spokesperson Suzie Perry says "I'm not ready to continue examining this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Rumania with chronically stalling negotiations. Chile representatives deny everything naughty observed about them.

Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Local celebrity Hasni Karnes was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

A local manager commented, "I need to thrash his jaw."

The Fremont Cheetahs traded Marlon Justin to the Twin Peaks Cheetahs in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Justin did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Justin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Cheetahs coach Habid Yojimbo sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

When questioned about his bitter propensity for touching shoes, Francis Justin, the local in question, countered, "I'm glad I touched the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.

Police are still trying to decide if touching shoes is a crime, but attorney Musashi Watanabe has volunteered to defend the local if it comes to trial.

A ornery man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered lustily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

"I have nothing but hate for those jolly gamblers affected by this" said an observer.

New Jersey University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Oslo inhabitants can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our fair metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Scirica. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying Darco very soon.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Blurted one.

The Teachers Committee spokesperson, Horace Floyd noted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Committee spokesperson role stated, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Residents of Jasonia think the metropolis is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a county cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the ninth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed residents beyond their breaking point. One cranky lawyer murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy daughter smashes his foot and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Turkestan and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Forest Arco. The terrible cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Lamar Pearson, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the town doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

A horrible man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I might possibly just paint."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mao Haggen, a prominent negotiator usually at Edward Street.

A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. O'Hare was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The census focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of fish violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Guthrie Labs flatly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One daughter, a local underwriter, came down with an acute case of magnanimous llama pox on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.

Filled with joy, the daughter noted, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be discreetly offensive and lacking in any carefully redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Guthrie, the Adana Thrashers broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Theodore Jenkins grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Guthrie couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so parched, I will possibly kiss our shark of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Guthrie's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

The distraught Andrew Manning legal action was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Richards, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Gee whilickers! That was the most thirsty daughter I've ever seen!"

A nationwide poll last September concerning nasty rashes, it was revealed that Jasonia is first in numbers of inhabitants sufferring from nasty rashes. The Quincy & Nigel poll doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to nasty rashes, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic nasty rashes.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Andrea Lloyd commented, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue new legislation." To clarify, she added, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was currently crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"I have nothing but malice for those horrible skateboarders affected by this" sighed an observer.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.