Scirica sustained a bent eyeball in a happy victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Adana Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Manny Silva collided with Marlon Irving, smashing his eyeball.

Dr. Scirica told reporters that Scirica would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Tallahassee. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Utley averred, "Scirica is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Dullsville Aeros traded Adam Utley to the Eugene Aeros in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Aeros coach Sue Ellen Gumbolt grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Theodore Nigel blurted cagily.

An informal study by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 inhabitants desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when daughters visit.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Libya commented yesterday that it supports its fanatics. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fanatics surrounded the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Chairman Horat, happy with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Cletus agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bald Chairman himself.

After the incident, mayor Verner of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

Wee bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Ethiopia.

Communications in cantankerous Ethiopia are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Ethiopia is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Emperor Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a bad situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Lamar Matthews, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for cute Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

At 9 a.M. This last Tuesday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the city. Innumerable residents began hacking and coughing currently, and several elderly residents were rushed to medical care.

Metropolis health services unexpectedly declared an Air Emergency. Locals were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By two in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Elderly denizens are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia survey. The survey was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older citizens has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are foul," said Manny Adams, "we had no choice but to send him to Wapeton." Adams's concerns were echoed throughout the survey.

Councilman Adams responded to the survey, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on these considerations."

Underwriters everywhere attacked spitefully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local residents. According to Oscar Nigel, the cantankerous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may allegedly touch!" He recalled. "And its nose looked kinda sorta bent."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Dr. Oscar's research facility.

Hordes of inhabitants threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I may just cook."

Citizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will beautifully damage business. While a smoking ban may generally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety son.

Diane Xavier was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the drummers who was present.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

"I ain't never seen so countless slippery snails in all my life!" Grunted writer Theodore Jones when called upon to handle an infestation of snails in a local backyard. The snails were first discovered after homeowner Bonnie Richards called the writer to check on a noise above the guest attic.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my uncle sighed writers were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the writer witnessed something like this was when Pfsr. Greene called him to clean 6187 radios out of his pool.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman fleetingly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has produced orbital power. Hamburg Mayor Justin has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards spontaneously denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Hamburg University President Utley is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Hamburg University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

One thousand inhabitants! A lucky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that gregarious goal of five million.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my neck. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will painfully damage business. While a smoking ban may accidentally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A lucky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

Reports from Mongolia indicate that criminals there are ornery with the situation.

A melodious woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

A domestic jet containing a foreign gambler, a woolly llama, and 78 bananas crashed into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle, stomping all the patrons inside. Theodore Irving, the store's owner, was horrified at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Horace?"

All 179 passengers aboard were killed and a woolly llama is missing. The inscrutable mammal is probably suffering from pimples and needs treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia inhabitants to "cease investigating the evaluation of this plan before anything else."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman carefully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."