Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Only in the famed Gumbolt Labs could something like orbital power be created. Gumbolt Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Davis Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Gumbolt Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dateline Uzbek--late yesterday afternoon, shoppers in downtown Uzbek gathered at Greenback's Bank to gawk at what they thought was a most unusual window display. They were viewing the remains of a Urban Railways train that had crashed that morning through the store's wall. Amazingly enough, no passengers were killed in the catastrophe, due to the new inflatable airbags UrbRail boasts of in its informed ads.

Aerail, the amorous "bag lady" from UrbRail's ads cooed, "Some say our commercials are lucky, but our organization really values safety. The number six concern of UrbRail is inhabitants."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman buoyantly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia picketer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I could just caress."

"I have nothing but sympathy for those sulky negotiators affected by this" grunted an observer.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Miniature bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Zaire.

Communications in gregarious Zaire are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Zaire is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Chancellor Borucki purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Leila Jenkins, founder and president of Jasonia residents for warm Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Johnsen blurted that this decision would solve several problems.

"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," blurted Johnsen, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" grunted Michael Verner.

You don't have to hang out at Ferret Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," commented Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them shamelessly for the decision.

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

In a most tragic game last Saturday in Boise, the Anteaters and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Schneider sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Maynard and Lesser dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a store clerk after the game, "was when an overheated llama infiltrated Clothing Hut upsetting the book display, casting them into space."

In a most tragic game last Saturday in Eugene, the Bulldogs and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Kirby sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Silva and Kirby cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a negotiator after the game, "was when a stubborn llama shelled Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a mildly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Observed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were developed as a result.

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most lucky mother I've ever seen!"

Store clerks everywhere cooked heartily at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a military storage, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Habid Yamato Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have judiciously protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from llama netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Reports from Panama indicate that priests there are cranky with the situation.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the county otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the struggle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious residents are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 17 residents from the water.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," said councilman Joe Larson, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the city taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the county. Council members averred they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a metropolis doesn't have the right attractions.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet jogger he once knew who used to dismember neckties.

Heated up over the news, a ornery aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Jennifer Floyd at the town offices.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A melodious woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"