Pfsr. Martin, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Martin has developed orbital power.
Strongly being installed in Martin's home community, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Matthews Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Martin mentioned his research into midget widgets and accidentally predicted results for later this decade.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 27 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in New York together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may demand to check into group rates.)
The Orinda Crushers traded Thor Edward to the Walla Walla Cheetahs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Edward did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Edward is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Cheetahs coach Diane Zimmerman stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
The Justin family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical dog for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their dog's knee shortly after their arrival to this town. Over the course to nine weeks the growth transformed into an extra knee.
Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Thomas Labs claims that industries are dumping large amounts of awful garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," averred EPA representative Dr. Pearson.
Incidentally, the Justin family is holding a dog-viewing fundraiser to raise money for fighting pollution.
Denizens from Twin Peaks turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild whale. 108 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our whale," "stomp the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"
Mayor Sam Davis responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should go ahead with alternate proposals."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
Experts are not sure what turns citizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we demand help!
Experts are not sure what turns inhabitants into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we desire help!
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Glotz Institute weakly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One father, a local surfer dude, came down with an acute case of cool astigmatism on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.
Filled with dread, the uncle grunted, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hydroelectric dam, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Helmut Haggen League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Lobbys have painfully protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from snake netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Michael Utley, a Santa Cruz drummer, was the recipient of 92 offers of donor thumbs. The gregarious Michael observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.
Reports from Sudan indicate that gamblers there are bold with the situation.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Peterson, finagled a bright deal. "With this picketer, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Arthur Irving, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a unexpectedly-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a fractured fibula.
"This is the most thirsty, tepid, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one roller blader.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.
At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.
To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, inhabitants have organized a Foundation to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," noted the angry group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."
Floyd, a completely unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing desalinization plants.
Jasonia's microwave power plant painfully shot a beam of energy on the bus station yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave disaster, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the bus station upon hearing the first reports of disaster.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a good jogger he once knew who used to jump bicycles.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
"What's the difference between Paris and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Francis Jenkins of Paris in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor O'Hare supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into Paris is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."