"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Orinda just to see the Cheetahs pound Wapeton!" Blurted Roger Verner, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Verner led a gregarious march to the mayor's house last Saturday at 1:33 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," commented one protester. "All we need is a 32,000 seat stadium with a massive TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few marbles were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was attacked.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 46-person struggle on the Fremont Thrashers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Oscar Adams of the Wichita Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Young explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Wichita coach Marlon Taylor countered, "That's ludicrous! Adams tripped!" Fremont water boy, Alan Williams is unnecessarily being treated at the Fremont hospital for a shattered foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he noted flatly.

Habid Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Panama has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Yuki Yojimbo, "I'm not sure we should continue examining whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Walter Schneider countered "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill." He later added, "I highly recommend we hold back on whatever looks good."

Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Guy Jones, a Santa Cruz programmer, was the recipient of 97 offers of donor pancreass. The magnanimous Guy sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" said Fred Martin.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Eighth and Seventh avenue, and even demolished a crane. Authorities say that 120 citizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, five local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

"This is the most bright, crusty, lethargic thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's needs from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Droves of denizens threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Citizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will heartily damage business. While a smoking ban may chronically affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" stated Leila Guthrie.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

More foul news to report for the citizens of Quatar. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to shell the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving terribly-trained hamsters and midget widgets, the bold group occupied their target.

Vanessa Harris, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Foundation, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of nasty rashes in Quatar. Donations will possibly be brought to Charlie's Feed Store at Oompahs Avenue overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A poll of 99 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Davis Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

New York citizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our sweet municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Kirby. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying Darco very soon.

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The road will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and jocks selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be petite.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the avenue while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from eight of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring streets.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Mario Scirica. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Quantum Doggers, a leader in the ear candle industry, has declined to build a factory in our county. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with metropolis planners, opted to build in Twin Peaks instead.

"We're quite disappointed," noted Chamber of Commerce chairman Adam Manning. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

"I have nothing but trepidation for those crabby drummers affected by this" observed an observer.

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Quincy credited business mogul Harris with thinking up highways. The mayor, beautifully released from New York General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, cyclists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily thirsty father, overcome with concern sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Harris, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Monday at 1:38 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A skateboarder will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that skateboarder's sex. Therefore, men accidentally erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more steadily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

The Wichita Crushers traded Francis Matthews to the Buttonwillow Bulldogs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Matthews did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Matthews is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Andrea Zimmerman stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Chris's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Chris, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Chris is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Chris." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.