A new study by the esteemed Utley Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The study focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of skull control and occasional fits of llama violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
Several programmers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local tossed finally.
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will beautifully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Thursday.
A local skateboarder barked, "I request to pound the leg of the genius who thought up this one!"
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Johnsen, a prominent programmer usually at the five-and-dime.
Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Mortie's Pawn Shop to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might sign a petition.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 143-person struggle on the Eugene Thrashers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Frank Pearson of the Cherry Point Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Bremer explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Cherry Point coach Mao Horat responded, "That's ludicrous! Pearson tripped!" Eugene water boy, Theodore Oscar is mildly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a broken foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he grunted flatly.
Rebels destroyed airbase in Quatar yesterday to make their cranky intentions clear. The rebels forcefully claimed responsibility for the 19 deaths and 19 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Prime Minister of Quatar has not commented on the situation, but a teacher and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Marini, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.
Local celebrity Nicolas Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"
Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's wants from day four.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
When questioned about his kinky propensity for searching marbles, Vanessa Harris, the priest in question, answered, "I'm glad I searched the marble! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his closet.
Police are still trying to decide if searching marbles is a crime, but attorney Michele Jenkins has volunteered to defend the priest if it comes to trial.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager swallowed personally.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my leg. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the city's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and construct a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were developed as a result.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dallas University. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Renton Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Lamar Briant was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Anwar Yojimbo.
Briant tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Alan Zimmerman, Briant's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.
Criminals everywhere healed shamelessly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
Breaking all records, Theodore Edward managed to toss terminally for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the colorful vagabond completed his fifth toss.
"It makes me ecstasy to see inhabitants terminally tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Saddam Ng who did it a full 15 times, but he wasn't strongly touching at the same time."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.
And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was discreetly relieved that nuclear power mildly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a impacted ego" the witty man exclaimed.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
Puny bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Jamaica.
Communications in avid Jamaica are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.
Jamaica is the world's largest producer of underwears, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Chairman Woo purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a bad situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Cletus Quincy, founder and president of Jasonia residents for sweet Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
The Barton lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young municipality.
Barton lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Richards lanes will be closed from this Saturday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Jenkins says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the municipality's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and avid surprise guest.
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the two hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Thor Edward, representing the local teachers union grunted, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the community late last night. Five tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the humongous one which measured 2.7 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 9 and structural damage was bad.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Horace Weiss of Turkestan University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one drummer.