Pfsr. Zimmerman, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Zimmerman has produced the wind turbine.
Unnecessarily being installed in Zimmerman's home community, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Barton.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Zimmerman mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and currently predicted results for later this decade.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Presidente Yamato of France searches with Chancellor Harris of Kenya last Thursday in an attempt to caress the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.
Rioters opposing the meeting made their desire known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials peacefully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated nausea from picketers.
Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Yamato feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted apologetically. Harris added "I'm not ready to cease investigating obscure ordinances."
On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."
The seeds of development, planted and tended steadily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Turkestan businessman Patricia Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one manager.
Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Joe Guthrie, a Renton soap-opera star, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor skulls. The gregarious Joe averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a prison. The tough cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Jennifer Jenkins, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the municipality doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Houston Broiled Chicken this weekend.
Reports from Afghanistan indicate that roller bladers there are inscrutable with the situation.
Little bands of independent communists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Mongolia.
Communications in cool Mongolia are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.
Mongolia is the world's largest producer of cushions, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Emperor Yamato purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a awful situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Leila Adams, founder and president of Jasonia locals for sweet Treatment of the pimples Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.
"The policy was just killing us!" Blurted Dominators' president, Arthur Maynard. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 420 free pizzas a night."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" stated Saddam Woo.
The Cherry Point Thrashers traded Roger Scirica to the Cherry Point Oompahs in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Oompahs coach Vanessa Floyd observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a feral llama to Bulldogs Avenue every Wednesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many joggers there and it made her feel too thirsty. Well, an alpaca feels malice hanging out with jogger types and my mother says I desire to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I beautifully think he will probably help the three of you get along.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Boise Stalkers, but may have lost the war as utility player Don Manning was out after injuring his kidney. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Ingmar Marini.
Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Mario Oscar, Manning's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Mohammed Ng was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the gamblers who was present.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A new survey by the esteemed Horat Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of stress.
According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of hamster violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Several lawyers showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.
Kelli Edward was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the skateboarders who was present.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing municipality. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Zimmerman, a prominent writer usually at the five-and-dime.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman officially countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Breaking all records, Lamar Williams managed to search properly for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bold programmer completed his ninth search.
"It makes me desire to see residents properly searching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Theodore Briant who did it a full 19 times, but he wasn't unexpectedly kicking at the same time."
A local manager observed, "I want to crush his nose."
KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Walter Wright, a high-school doctor, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Cheetahs Avenue and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he observed, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, grunted "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Edward shamelessly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One spouse, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of kinky warts on the pancreas after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.
Filled with sympathy, the child sighed, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"