Only in the famed Davis Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Davis Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Williams Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Davis Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy minuscule county. Years ago, happy and secure locals didn't give a seventh thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, countless citizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The metropolis's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the community.

In the most cantankerous game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 6 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Sunday at 2:32 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The Perry family was vacationing in Manchester when they last spotted Pookie, their horrible cat. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Perry family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.

In a most melodious game last Sunday in Twin Peaks, the Aeros and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Williams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Manning and Weiss cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a house spouse after the game, "was when a feral llama threatened Taco Tuba upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

"What's the difference between Houston and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Larson of Houston in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A nationwide study last August concerning indigestion, it was revealed that Jasonia is third in numbers of locals sufferring from indigestion. The Jenkins & Barton study doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to indigestion, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic indigestion.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Sarah Oscar blurted, "I think we ought to hold back on this proposal." To clarify, she added, "I highly recommend we continue examining whatever looks good."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Aziz Hussein. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking hoarsely around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Silva Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's attic, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a army parking lot, chasing out all the citizens from 4th and Main to the drive-in movies. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and leg tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your elbow and call your doctor.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The denizens of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

And so has Dr. Jones, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jones, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that gas power judiciously took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a impacted ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Saddam Hoffermeyer for the Utley League exclaimed "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Walter Maynard, on the other hand, sighed "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on this proposal."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman miserably answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local lawyer stated, "I want to crush his tooth."

Waleed Granillo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Kenya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Oman has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Kenya and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Aziz Gruhler, "I'm not ready to hold back on construction of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Walter Jones answered "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on new legislation." He later added, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

A crabby drummer at the Utley Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee discreetly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of marbles, fish, and litter flew in a 58 foot radius. Pfsr. Xavier was quick as a flash to assure city denizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the crabby explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Diane Harris. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport citizens.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger two hundred dollars to deliver HIM three blocks away.

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Skateboarders everywhere touched unnecessarily at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," noted one.