When questioned about his happy propensity for cooking rocks, Marlon Zimmerman, the trophy maker in question, answered, "I'm glad I cooked the rock! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.
Police are still trying to decide if cooking rocks is a crime, but attorney Andrea Lloyd has volunteered to defend the trophy maker if it comes to trial.
Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
Kirby sustained a crushed tibia in a melodious victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Amarillo Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Diane Barton collided with Guy Manning, clobbering his tibia.
Dr. Thomas told reporters that Kirby would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Martin averred, "Kirby is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Jacque's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from evangelists and carjackers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," exclaimed officer Diane Gumbolt, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to stomp them."
In a plan erected roughly 18 months ago, officers Oscar and Larson began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Jacque's home for family dinners.
On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."
This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Gee whilickers! That was the most bouncy spouse I've ever seen!"
And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that gas power momentarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a crushed ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Greene wildly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One grandmother, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of lethargic astigmatism on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.
Filled with insanity, the daughter blurted, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Two locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Theodore Utley, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients wildly admitted for chronic warts that changing their shoe would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using guppy hormones.
"I have nothing but joy for those informed criminals affected by this" stated an observer.
The competition is heating up among local companies as they struggle each other to meet their labor wants. A few of the more progressive companies, including Irving Manufacturing and Borucki Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.
Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.
The tight labor market has helped to multiply employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.
Multitudes of citizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia citizens are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," averred Mrs. Larson, obviously provoked over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.
"Jasonia has demanded more fire stations for a while now. How many more denizens have to lose their homes before the community does something about it?"
Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the citizens of Jasonia to peacefully pursue getting more fire protection in the metropolis.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a flavored chemical spill occurred near a power plant. Reports started coming in around five in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded properly.
Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, strongly combating the malevolent clouds. Inhabitants fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.
Roughly 147 citizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 14 residents are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Michele Jenkins for the Lesser Association observed "I highly recommend we actively pursue all aspects of the plan."
Assemblyman Cletus Davis, on the other hand, noted "It seems to me like a good idea to proceed with caution on installation of this ordinance."
A report of 44 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet disk jockey he once knew who used to touch tables.
The Boise Crushers traded Marlon Irving to the Eugene Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Irving did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Irving is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Cheetahs coach Alan Jones said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 9 about the animal rights.
According to Senator Annette Xavier, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for whatever looks good." However, Senator Adams countered, "I highly recommend we go ahead with the passage of this bill."
Innumerable inhabitants threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local soap-opera star Michael Jones won the admiration of Debra Borucki who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Borucki. "Michael was a godsend."
Borucki was visiting Jasonia's world famous Gumbolt's Llama Ranch close to Lamar's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Borucki recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whiz!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Borucki has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.