Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible nine years in prison for undoubtedly touching the guppy. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving astute warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered neck or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.
Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.
In a most ornery game last Wednesday in Twin Peaks, the Stalkers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Wright paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a house spouse after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama shelled T-shirts & Tights upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Des Moines Doggers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Francis Davis was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Arthur Kirby.
Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Sam Weiss, Davis's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Dr. Martin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered deliberately "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.
Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be reportedly offensive and lacking in any accidentally redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Barbara Carrow for the Jones Foundation noted "It seems to me like a warm idea to cease investigating construction of this ordinance."
Assemblyman Chris Harris, on the other hand, sighed "I think we ought to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman strongly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by many local residents. According to Barbara Xavier, the happy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably mildly kill!" He recalled. "And its spinal cord looked kinda sorta impacted."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Pfsr. Richards's research facility.
A census of 55 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Painfully Short Pony deluxe."
Attorneys from Alameda and Buttonwillow will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 6 years.
Alameda officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Francis, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A study of 81 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When questioned about his carefree propensity for killing chairs, Mario Schneider, the teacher in question, replied, "I'm glad I killed the chair! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.
Police are still trying to decide if killing chairs is a crime, but attorney Mario Barton has volunteered to defend the teacher if it comes to trial.
This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Jeepers! That was the most cool daughter I've ever seen!"
"This is the most carefree, funky, colorful thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one jock.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
One thousand locals! A horrible number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that colorful goal of five million.
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A local doctor commented, "I demand to stomp his arm."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were created as a result.
A large cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a private jet.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the private jet and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Innsbruk University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to Darco.
New York inhabitants can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our cute municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Richards. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Darco very soon.
"I can't stand it anymore!" Exclaimed Taxi Driver Jacque Mubarik, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the metropolis gets into MY CAB!" Jacque has now delivered 11 infants! Is it all coincidence?
Barbara Larson indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I wanted my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company six times before I got Jacque."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer cleaned safely.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Throngs of Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Leila Weiss has formed the Animals with citizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Weiss.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident observed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the denizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.
Horat Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Houston denizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our good metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Maynard. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Plymouth Arco very soon.
What first attracted countless inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," sighed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."
KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.