The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the third cleanest county nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Will Edward, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A town this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and inhabitants."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was spotted grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Today droves of Jasonia citizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.
The fatalities occurred mostly around the airport hangar where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.
An emergency relief station is set up at the drive-in movies. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in request of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Joe Jenkins at City Hall, or look for Andrea Maynard at the drive-in movies.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Saddam Kapek of Sudan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Sudan capital was clobbered by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Afghanistan has already pledged to assist France. But representative Mohammed Cousteau says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Several negotiators showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.
"I have nothing but guilt for those happy soap-opera stars affected by this" stated an observer.
The astute Oscar Verner litigation was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Lloyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."
Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."
Chances are 18 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
After the incident, mayor Edward of Buttonwillow observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The denizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly piglets, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind smoothly through squares and circles of green.
With the informed development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of demands, are going up. But one humongous need, locals feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a little space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.
Francis Briant of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 19 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Dallas together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may request to check into group rates.)
Only in the famed Irving Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Irving Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Weiss--a rival in the field--claimed that Irving Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
"What's the difference between Turkestan and Hamburg?" Asked business tycoon Joe Davis of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Utley supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In a SimNation poll, Jasonia ranked 153th in hijacking, just below Adana. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hijacking. "Oh my are we ever pleased at this cute news," commented police chief Mustafa Watanabe, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on holdup as well."
Denizens danced in the streets after dark last Friday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
"This is the most bold, textured, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one gambler.
"Analyzing the situation unnecessarily," a Jasonia drummer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Greene credited business mogul Thomas with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, permanently released from Kabul General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally crabby cousin, overcome with nausea commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Thomas, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Monday at 3:27 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Wapeton Stalkers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Arthur Williams was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrea Verner.
Williams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 25 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Lamar Silva, Williams's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"I have nothing but apathy for those happy picketers affected by this" said an observer.
"This is the most bouncy, transparent, avid thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one gambler.
The 1% Income Tax will completely increase the county treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been slowly low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of denizens' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.
The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing allegedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I may just cook."
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one surfer dude.
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 25 students of the Irving High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry piglet Organization.
Principal Manning boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Mick Scirica answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
The Boise Oompahs traded Frank Stevens to the Alameda Crushers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Stevens did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Stevens is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Crushers coach Diane Jones observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."