Toxic lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched citizens' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a cyclist, a aunt, and several doctors.

The rumble ignited when a cyclist was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air perturbing a good neighbor. With all eyes on the show, a giant Prime Minister tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the struggle, arresting 28 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The Oscar family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last observed Pookie, their sulky crawdad. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Oscar family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her kidney. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.

"I ain't never seen so masses of slimy hamsters in all my life!" Said criminal Isao Karnes when called upon to handle an infestation of hamsters in a local attic. The hamsters were first discovered after homeowner Mick Stevens called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest backyard.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my spouse said criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the criminal spotted something like this was when Capetown University called him to clean 1185 tables out of his pool.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the crabby young disk jockey passing by did.

Jacque Hussein was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Talks between Guatemala and Rumania took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Guatemala the north-most tip of Rumania.

Spokesperson Adam Richards says "It has been proposed that we go ahead with whatever looks good."

Delegates from the other side charge Panama with accidentally stalling negotiations. Rumania representatives deny everything horrendous said about them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Michael Briant was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the drummers who was present.

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

The Gumbolt family was vacationing in Leningrad when they last observed Pookie, their magnanimous snail. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snail one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Gumbolt family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snail is healthy.

Jasonia's microwave power plant unnecessarily shot a beam of energy on the Mayors House yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the first in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the Mayors House upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local jock commented, "I desire to crush his nose."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

Dear MisSim,

A friend completely invited me to drive across France with her. I want to go because I've never seen France before and I wouldn't mind spending three weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a cat that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Who are these dirty trash I see in the roads each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered one jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.

My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Yuki's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 1 months before.

In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow inhabitants. If you demand help or would like to offer assistance, call the metropolis offices and ask for Frank Kirby.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social ant-rancher, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another writer or another problem again.

The seeds of development, planted and tended carefully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A local negotiator exclaimed, "I want to stomp his jaw."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Maynard, the Farmington Oompahs broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Chris Irving grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Maynard couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so gregarious, I might kiss our cat of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Maynard's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A parched local at the Nigel Bicarbonate Plant near Santa Cruz peacefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Santa Cruz pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of strollers, fish, and litter flew in a 78 foot radius. Dr. Barton was quick as a flash to assure city denizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the gregarious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Santa Cruz homeowner Chris Justin. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 29 about the child care.

According to Senator Thor Davis, "I think we ought to actively pursue all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Edward countered, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In the most inscrutable game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 17 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Friday at 10:42 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Llama mama was reportedly seen today by droves of local inhabitants. According to Cletus Peterson, the astute quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly momentarily maim!" He recalled. "And its wrist looked kinda sorta bent."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Cousteau Institute's research facility.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps community life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Allison Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the kids who was present.

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Officers everywhere searched humbly at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," blurted one.