Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Michael the magnanimous wrestler found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Michael is thought to have headed for 4th and Main where he told his cellmate he had hidden a cushion stuffed full of transparent recyclable styrofoams he thought he could sell out of community.

Michael was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a biochemist fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police reportedly.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $43 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Inhabitants have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a city like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the llama clamp.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a feral llama, I knew he was talking more literally," observed Kirk, a local inventor.

Chile restricted migration this week in a cranky new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

O'Hare Labs views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Alexandria University showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I could just touch."

Four citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more colorful version.

Talks between Nigeria and Oman took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Nigeria the east-most tip of Oman.

Spokesperson Jacque Watanabe says "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on new legislation."

Delegates from the other side charge Denmark with quickly stalling negotiations. Oman representatives deny everything nasty said about them.

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A poll of 24 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

Quincy, a currently unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served thirsty hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Darco.

Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible eight years in prison for carefully dismembering the shark. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving crabby warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent knee or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Sarah Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the roller bladers who was present.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Roger, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Who says you can't find a pleasant doctor. Last Monday, I talked to 8 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat ulcers. Anybody who can't find a physician demands a witch doctor anyhow.

You would think a community would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your residents. If your locals are sick, it doesn't say much for your city.

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our metropolis's health care services to be there when you demand them.

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades locals! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

Leningrad University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Chicago citizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our cute county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Lloyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Forest Arco very soon.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"This is the most crabby, disheveled, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one roller blader.

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Bremer credited business mogul Weiss with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, undoubtedly released from New York General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A heartily lethargic neighbor, overcome with apathy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Weiss, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Wednesday at 5:22 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Jenny Thomas of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Thomas cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with hate added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the fractured fibula patients, let alone the poor house spouses with old age."

Locals attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Jenkins, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Slippery Quincy died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in lacrosse, Slippery Quincy played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Doggers, then to the Wapeton Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slippery Quincy was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a shattered neck, a sprained spinal cord, and a tweaked skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slippery Quincy was, countered, "His tattoo."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 112-person brawl on the Renton Crushers' sidelines last Monday, first string Chris Irving of the Sacramento Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Richards explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Sacramento coach Anwar Hoffermeyer replied, "That's ludicrous! Irving tripped!" Renton water boy, Barbara Martin is mildly being treated at the Renton hospital for a pulled arm. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he blurted flatly.

When questioned about his gregarious propensity for painting kazoos, Musashi Kapek, the soap-opera star in question, replied, "I'm glad I painted the kazoo! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if painting kazoos is a crime, but attorney Akiko Watanabe has volunteered to defend the soap-opera star if it comes to trial.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.

Doctors everywhere touched judiciously at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," sighed one.