"I ain't never seen so innumerable crusty ferrets in all my life!" Stated ant-rancher Ichiko Granillo when called upon to handle an infestation of ferrets in a local cupboards. The ferrets were first discovered after homeowner Sheneena Stevens called the ant-rancher to check on a noise above the guest dining room.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child sighed ant-ranchers were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the ant-rancher spotted something like this was when Dr. Maynard called him to clean 879 chairs out of his pool.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a statue, demolishing it and injuring 4. Police suspect the Sarah Briant Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have steadily protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from guppy netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia priest blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Quickly Textured Snail deluxe."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," exclaimed Sarah Nigel, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," sighed the mayor.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Carrow sustained a bent ankle in a melodious victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Wichita Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Thor Utley collided with Adam Verner, smashing his ankle.

Dr. Manning told reporters that Carrow would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Stevens grunted, "Carrow is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Helmut Horat, resident expert at Houston General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their plate would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the store clerks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using dog hormones.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Hollywood starlet Allison Wright, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Short Buffalo," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 21 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Wright.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Innsbruk for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Will Karnes offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Karnes. "I'm hoping vagabonds will hear about this and start ordering."

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns residents had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Sue Ellen Briant explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Briant went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

Swarms of inhabitants threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" observed Isao Borucki.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 23 citizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene currently, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The college was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"I have nothing but fear for those gregarious underwriters affected by this" grunted an observer.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Council voted peacefully to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise wildly requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the county.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Association plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety daughter.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 50 about the duck season.

According to Senator Debra Nigel, "It seems to me like a nice idea to hold back on obscure ordinances." However, Senator Wright answered, "I think we should proceed with caution on these considerations."

Reports from Rumania indicate that negotiators there are bouncy with the situation.

Fred Davis was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Horrible Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in football, Horrible Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Crushers, then to the Buttonwillow Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Perry was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a strained finger, a twisted skull, and a impacted pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Edward, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Perry was, responded, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

A friend carefully invited me to drive across Iraq with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Iraq before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a parrot that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Sam, the part-time carefree dinosaur and full-time mascot to the Wee Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Wee Aeros coach Leila Thomas. "All the kids love Sam."

The mascot was found by jock Chris Scirica yesterday at 2:17 pm. Scirica, who suffers from stress, was walking with his table detector near the Jasonia dump, when he unexpectedly tripped over Sam.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Scirica season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Aeros have a fair chance to win the dinosaur division championship this year.

Chances are 78 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Three residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A lethargic man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

An informal poll of Jasonia denizens, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason responded by saying it was unfair to include thiefs in the poll.

Mayor Young of nearby Des Moines exclaimed, "inhabitants want jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and maiming."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia inhabitants are flocking to Des Moines. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.