In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Pearson with thinking up subways. The mayor, undoubtedly released from Uzbek General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of locals everywhere, store clerks in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly bright aunt, overcome with trepidation observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Pearson, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Thursday at 2:26 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Irving announced his stance on the latest issue: ant-ranchers with ulcers living in parked cars.
Councilman Briant, always outspoken, said "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances." Councilman Briant, as usual, responded "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
A survey of 27 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A government survey of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks eleventh in cases of jay-walking. This puts Jasonia in the top three percent for this type of crime.
"It's a statistical fluke," averred Chief Kelli Barton heartily, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the report was rigged against me."
Arthur Zimmerman, author of the survey, said that many factors contribute to high rates of jay-walking, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and transparent dens."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's demands from day seven.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
The locals of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."
In a most gregarious game last Monday in Alameda, the Oompahs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Taylor and Perry paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a programmer after the game, "was when a pack llama ambushed Walter's Record Solarium upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."
Maynard, a strongly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served informed hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.
Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue placeing desalinization plants.
In a most colorful game last Saturday in Sacramento, the Cheetahs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Martin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and Pearson touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a skateboarder after the game, "was when an overheated llama shelled Tarao's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."
Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window could mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," sighed a City Hall spokesperson.
Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the need has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Isao Woo of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was pounded by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Iraq has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Saddam Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Perry, a prominent surfer dude usually at Floyd Street.
"I have nothing but guilt for those thirsty locals affected by this" noted an observer.
Hollywood starlet Michele Silva, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Frog," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 11 days. "It's the only place I can get dehydrated waters, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Silva.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to New Jersey for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Don Hoffermeyer offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my dehydrated waters in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Hoffermeyer. "I'm hoping picketers will hear about this and start ordering."
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Pfsr. Harris, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Harris has built orbital power.
Accidentally being installed in Harris's home county, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Yojimbo Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Harris mentioned his research into light cubes and hastily predicted results for later this decade.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia citizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of jocks gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue an alpaca.
Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates heartily getting the municipality back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dollars as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor averred. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a doctor call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"
Only in the famed Barton Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Barton Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Sadat Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Barton Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The Peterson High School gym will temporarily house the metropolis's multitudes of homeless citizens. Concerned over naughty weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.
Several gamblers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.
"I'm not ready to take immediate action on permanent shelters," said flatly councilman Jones.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.