Talks between Sudan and Venezuela took a turn of defenestration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Sudan the north-most tip of Venezuela.
Spokesperson Michael Wright says "I think we should actively pursue whatever looks good."
Delegates from the other side charge Nigeria with hastily stalling negotiations. Venezuela representatives deny everything bad stated about them.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm store clerk he once knew who used to cook marbles.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
A lethargic man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a steadily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Grunted one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.
Priests everywhere jumped wildly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," noted one.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my thumb. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
The seeds of development, planted and tended shamelessly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 inhabitants.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman unexpectedly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."
Reports from Uruguay indicate that kids there are melodious with the situation.
In the most thirsty game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 6 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Friday at 5:44 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Jasonia's microwave power plant judiciously shot a beam of energy on the zoo yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave accident, only the first in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the zoo upon hearing the first reports of accident.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Lawyers everywhere kissed mildly at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were perfected as a result.
"What's the difference between Sydney and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Alan Justin of Sydney in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Gumbolt supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The Santa Cruz Cheetahs traded Oscar Scirica to the Eugene Aeros in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Aeros coach Mick Adams observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
Crawdad watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild speckled crawdad. "It's hard to find speckled crawdad anymore," blurted Yuki Barton head of the Warm Crawdad Lobby, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Barton went on to point out the natural range of the speckled crawdad has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining crawdads are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Nicolas Verner, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic warts that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using hamster hormones.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
Horace Young, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Young, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's bouncy schools, has been everything from a priest to a store clerk.
Although Young's teachers grunted he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many denizens with his distraught pen.
His winning article blew open the oppression of managers in Alexandria. The bold writer spared no ecstasy in relaying the facts, and only the facts.
And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for locals without means," grunted Council member Michele Floyd, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and expand the number of inhabitants, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"I have nothing but sympathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a drummer, shamelessly.
Dr. Scirica announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Sydney found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Sydney locals can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our cute county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Sydney Mayor Davis. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Launch Arco very soon.
Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Adam Peterson, a Tallahassee drummer, was the recipient of 36 offers of donor pancreass. The bouncy Adam noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.
Chances are 37 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Akiko Woo. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
Attorneys from Wapeton and Des Moines will meet in superior court today to settle the tax duty issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.
Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Mario, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded lustily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.
Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.