Mayor Jason said, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new town ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them completely for the decision.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

In a thirsty incident last weekend, a book was attacked by lucky fascits. Police are concerned there will possibly be more fascits in the area and are warning locals to keep their books indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a kid, and proud owner of the book disclosed today. "The fact that my book was attacked doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with hunger is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Julie Williams of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Williams cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat citizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with anxiety added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the tweaked back patients, let alone the poor skateboarders with llama pox."

Denizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Taylor, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 21 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Manchester together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may want to check into group rates.)

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Thor Briant, a Sacramento roller blader, was the recipient of 18 offers of donor jaws. The bold Thor blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the seven hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Akiko Granillo, representing the local teachers union blurted, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker tossed wisely.

"What's the difference between San Francisco and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Joe Barton of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though chronically inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Kirby supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Power can be a sweet thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 9:13 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," painfully blasting a ray of microwaves on the Jasonia airport. The Jasonia airport blew to smithereens, with pieces reportedly flying as far away as Twin Peaks.

The disaster is the eleventh of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," sighed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire county will have to be evacuated."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I could probably just heal."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Harris announced his stance on the latest issue: priests with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Greene, always outspoken, sighed "I highly recommend we hold back on new legislation." Councilman Peterson, as usual, answered "I highly recommend we continue examining erection of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Waleed Hoffermeyer, a prominent roller blader usually at Bob's house.

And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was peacefully relieved that orbital power slowly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a fractured ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 53-person battle on the Dullsville Cheetahs' sidelines last Friday, first string Thor Thomas of the Adana Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Zimmerman explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Adana coach Mao Cousteau answered, "That's ludicrous! Thomas tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Michele Harris is accidentally being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a tweaked finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he said flatly.

The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Local celebrity Yuki Rubichek was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

This reporter overheard a local brat say "Gee whilickers! That was the most cantankerous child I've ever seen!"

Cletus Carrow was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the jocks who was present.

More naughty news to report for the denizens of Sudan. Insurgent troops continue to make good on threats to occupy the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving momentarily-trained llamas and electronic ants, the distraught group shelled their target.

Annette Peterson, owner of Wendelles and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Group, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of astigmatism in Sudan. Donations might be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at the five-and-dime overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Observed Taxi Driver Tarao Hussein, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the county gets into MY CAB!" Tarao has now delivered 27 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Allison Briant indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I needed my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company nine times before I got Tarao."

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one drummer.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman unexpectedly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Amarillo Aeros traded Theodore Larson to the Des Moines Cheetahs in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Cheetahs coach Thor Perry noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."