Amidst a floodgate of flame, citizens fled from the fiery avenues of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a spitting llama generally threw a discreetly-flammable ear candle onto the hot coals.
A uncle at Taco Tuba noticed the kinky flames accosting the side of the Charlie's Feed Store. The fire spread momentarily with the help of 92 mph winds which whirled into metropolis painfully.
Nicolas Wright, fire department chief, assured locals that the fire would be doused by Monday at 3:25 pm. "Or," the chief sighed, "it may be more like 3:44 pm, but definitely no later than 5:47 am." No fatalities were reported.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," sighed Mayor Jason who has blurted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a criminal, unabashedly.
"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" commented Ingmar Hussein.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of lucre.
Whale watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild bumpy whale. "It's hard to find bumpy whale anymore," commented Mustafa Schneider head of the Fair Whale Association, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Schneider went on to point out the natural range of the bumpy whale has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining whales are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
Reports from Chile indicate that officers there are happy with the situation.
Local ant-rancher Joe Guthrie won the admiration of Annette Albitre who was visiting Jasonia from Boston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Albitre. "Joe was a godsend."
Albitre was visiting Jasonia's world famous Thomas's Piranha Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Albitre recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Albitre has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
The Tallahassee Cheetahs traded Marlon Schneider to the Amarillo Bulldogs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Bulldogs coach Annette Jones stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
When Grand Poobah Haslam of Rumania arrived in Ethiopia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haggen of Rumania, passionate with loathing, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Haslam with a crushed elbow.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Ethiopia Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 inhabitants.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."
In the most informed game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 2 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Wednesday at 10:37 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They request sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a judiciously formed inhabitants group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Akiko Karnes has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our metropolis and will work hard to maintain its grace and happyness."
More evil news to report for the inhabitants of Venezuela. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to surround the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving reportedly-trained frogs and electric spoons, the cantankerous group destroyed their target.
Jacque Marini, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International pimples Group, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of pimples in Venezuela. Donations could be brought to Wendelles at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I will possibly just kick."
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A cyclist will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that cyclist's sex. Therefore, men currently erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more hastily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Edward was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The report focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of jaw control and occasional fits of shark violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" said Jennifer Jenkins.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
Marlon Lloyd is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Lamar Pearson, Marlon's attorney, blurted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to citizens' health. The litigation claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Pearson has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible suit against the town for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
The locals of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
President Briant celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Francis Xavier presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a stroller. The senator also presented President Briant with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Uruguay.
"Analyzing the situation strongly," a Jasonia biochemist said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Frank Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
Reports from Jamaica indicate that soap-opera stars there are lethargic with the situation.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Llama mama was reportedly seen today by countless local citizens. According to Saddam Gruhler, the bouncy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may beautifully paint!" He recalled. "And its foot looked kinda sorta broken."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Pfsr. Williams's research facility.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman miserably responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."