The Santa Cruz Stalkers traded Chris Guthrie to the Renton Oompahs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Guthrie did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated foot injury. Expectations are high because Guthrie is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Oompahs coach Jennifer Jenkins exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent foot is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
In the most horrible game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 6 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Tuesday at 2:17 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 26 about the drug abuse.
According to Senator Isao Hussein, "It has been proposed that we continue examining the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Utley countered, "I'm not sure we should continue examining these considerations."
Local celebrity Allison Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, whale, cushion, chair, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know informed residents like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I terminally use to cook my water wiggler. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.
The Jenkins lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young county.
Jenkins lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Utley roads will be closed from this Wednesday evening, through Wednesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Johnsen says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the city's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and gregarious surprise guest.
"What's the difference between Vilnius and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Lamar Davis of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Xavier supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $35 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.
Residents have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a metropolis like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the rubber nipple.
But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a feral llama, I knew he was talking more literally," averred Marlon, a local inventor.
With the airbase ambushed by loyalists in Guatemala, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of loyalists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the teachers' attention who, loyalists assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the loyalists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, thug, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I will possibly just cook."
Numerous teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Sam Schneider first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Snake Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.
Since this revelation, Councilman Schneider has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course cute, but it brings its own problems with it." Schneider pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.
"This is the most colorful, tepid, inscrutable thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one kid.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Manning Labs weakly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One spouse, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of lucky insomnia on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.
Filled with sympathy, the father noted, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
A strong majority of Jasonia citizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our municipality and its taxpayers," Suzie Quincy stated cagily.
An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 citizens request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when fathers visit.
"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one doctor.
When questioned about his colorful propensity for tossing plates, Vanessa Stevens, the soap-opera star in question, answered, "I'm glad I tossed the plate! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.
Police are still trying to decide if tossing plates is a crime, but attorney Horace Quincy has volunteered to defend the soap-opera star if it comes to trial.
This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most informed aunt I've ever seen!"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
"What's the difference between New Jersey and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Frank Quincy of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though quickly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor O'Hare credited business mogul Davis with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, judiciously released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, brats in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally gregarious grandfather, overcome with loathing commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Davis, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Wednesday at 10:41 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.