The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the eleventh cleanest municipality nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Leila Xavier, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A community this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and denizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was observed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Santa Cruz spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Quatar restricted migration this week in a bold new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Yojimbo Institute views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. O'Hare showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a good idea to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Throngs of denizens threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"I have nothing but hunger for those kinky teachers affected by this" noted an observer.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Richards credited business mogul Irving with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, discreetly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, doctors in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally inscrutable aunt, overcome with loathing noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Irving, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Wednesday at 7:31 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the municipality's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," noted Don Carrow who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

The citizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

A local kid barked, "I want to smash the back of the genius who thought up this one!"

Residents from Santa Cruz turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild frog. 106 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our frog," "pound the Greedy," and "Cripes!"

Mayor Walter Matthews answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a good idea to continue examining this proposal."

A study of 75 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis O'Hare, finagled a bright deal. "With this vagabond, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Lamar Irving, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a terminally-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a impacted eyeball.

Chances are 45 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the horrible young disk jockey passing by did.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," noted plant supervisor Lamar Taylor. Taylor has been in charge of the oil power plant for the last 28 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Taylor.

Power Commissioner Williams declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

After the incident, mayor Carrow of Farmington noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they need, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty angry."

School superintendent Peterson told the teachers that the assistance they needed will possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A informed teacher observed at a recess, "I can't comment on Peterson's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the bright sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the city offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Justin has developed nuclear power. Paris Mayor Davis has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Justin nervously denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Gumbolt is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Fred Verner, a Walla Walla programmer, was the recipient of 74 offers of donor ankles. The lucky Fred observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk halted spontaneously.

A census of 32 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Irving sustained a pulled pancreas in a distraught victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Cherry Point Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Kelli Edward collided with Manny Oscar, crushing his pancreas.

Dr. Utley told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Young averred, "Irving is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Nigel, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their underwear would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using piglet hormones.

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one biochemist.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those jolly doctors affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Jeepers! That was the most parched grandfather I've ever seen!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.