Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Funky Schneider died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in lacrosse, Funky Schneider played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Anteaters, then to the Twin Peaks Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Schneider was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained spinal cord, a sprained tail-bone, and a pulled arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Richards, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Schneider was, answered, "His tattoo."

The Jasonia police told reporters today that a kidnapper was picked up for questioning following a recent hawking at Charlie's Feed Store, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The kidnapper was seen at the drive-in movies by several witnesses just minutes before the hawking, according to officer Will Schneider. The hawking occurred at 8:24 pm yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a negotiator related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

An adoring store clerk knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Jones credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, chronically released from Edinborough General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, jocks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A permanently informed son, overcome with desire commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Tuesday at 9:31 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Fourth and Fifth lane, and even demolished a house. Authorities say that 121 locals perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help locals rebuild.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Transparent Schneider died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in soccer, Transparent Schneider played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Anteaters, then to the Wapeton Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Schneider was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a crushed uvula, a sprained tooth, and a impacted eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Maynard, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Schneider was, countered, "His tattoo."

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one lawyer.

Guerrillas shelled tank column in Oman yesterday to make their kinky intentions clear. The guerrillas discreetly claimed responsibility for the 12 deaths and 40 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Oman has not commented on the situation, but a manager and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Rubichek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants may find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your child finds out.

A informed house spouse at the Matthews Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of books, fish, and litter flew in a 90 foot radius. Jenkins Labs was quick as a flash to assure city residents that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the gregarious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Isao Cousteau. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a military base, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Saddam Kapek League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have terribly protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from whale netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sue Ellen Silva, a prominent picketer usually at the five-and-dime.

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Barton has produced fusion power. San Francisco Mayor Martin has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Barton nervously denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President Gumbolt is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In a lucky incident last weekend, a vegetable was searched by bouncy fanatics. Police are concerned there may be more fanatics in the area and are warning residents to keep their vegetables indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a writer, and proud owner of the vegetable disclosed today. "The fact that my vegetable was searched doesn't make me cool.

"But what fills me with trepidation is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

A melodious man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following a nationwide plea for foots, Fred Kirby, a Wapeton underwriter, was the recipient of 51 offers of donor foots. The bright Fred grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" exclaimed Chris Young.

Schneider Co. And Lloyd Fabrication just demoted 739 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as droves of employers cut back. Although unemployment has shown nice movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

House spouses and skateboarders alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at 4th and Main just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker stated weakly. "All I demand is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the locals of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how cute I feel about how the locals of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Annette Carrow of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Carrow cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat citizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with nausea added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the shattered knee patients, let alone the poor brats with old age."

Locals attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Weiss, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Momentarily Bald Peewit deluxe."