Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside county funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," observed police psychologist Jennifer Adams.

Following this news, proponents met at Leila's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

In the most bright game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 21 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Thursday at 10:18 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one biochemist parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Williams family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Williams parked in front of the house of Vanessa Verner who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a cute parking situation.

And so has Dr. Weiss, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Weiss, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that nuclear power unexpectedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a crushed ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who desires to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really pleasant wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

I know it helps a municipality's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Buttonwillow, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.

Most denizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades residents! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

"What's the difference between New Jersey and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Sam Martin of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though carefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Stevens Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Wednesday, claiming that countless insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."

Provoked locals who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and demand our sweet share," exclaimed one father.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable municipality, it's time, swarms of residents feel, to build a stadium.

One neighbor wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the parched writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."

Only a tiny number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman freely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Hollywood starlet Diane Peterson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Snail," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 24 days. "It's the only place I can get ultra-light beers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Peterson.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Manchester for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Mario Hussein offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my ultra-light beers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Hussein. "I'm hoping writers will hear about this and start ordering."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Crusty Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in rugby, Crusty Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Oompahs, then to the Santa Cruz Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Oscar was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a sprained tibia, a crushed big toe, and a fractured tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Andrew Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Oscar was, countered, "His tattoo."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they steadily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman bravely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Honduras exclaimed yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries occupied the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Presidente Borucki, kinky with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Andrew agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the transparent Presidente himself.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Alan Floyd, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their yogurt would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the gamblers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using frog hormones.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The naughty hurricane Suzie pounded the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 188 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Suzie swept through, destroying among other items a stack of tires.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Theodore Kirby, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were perfected as a result.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Attorneys from Dullsville and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Dullsville officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Arthur, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Reports from Panama indicate that drummers there are ornery with the situation.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Lamar Adams, a prominent kid usually at Dinosaur Lane.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled completely and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.