In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?
How can Jasonia have the greenery you all desire if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust might possibly be doing to your insides!
So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force inhabitants to buy something--county services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the vagabond in charge of our "contribution" will spend the cash painfully. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such desire and to anger otherwise parched locals.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my leg. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we need to attract vacationers," grunted councilman Theodore Gumbolt, the bill's strongest proponent.
Residents can anticipate the city taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members sighed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Justin Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the community. Over 30 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the library is even recognizable.
Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one might occur sometime somewhere.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."
Bremer, a beautifully unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I observed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.
Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying desalinization plants.
The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Andrea Williams for the Davis League stated "I think we ought to further study the effects of this proposal."
Assemblyman Will Floyd, on the other hand, grunted "I highly recommend we take immediate action on whatever looks good."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Weiss's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president noted, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Annette Weiss observed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching large Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair picketer he once knew who used to kiss bicycles.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler touched spontaneously.
"What's the difference between Paris and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Alan Edward of Paris in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Peterson supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Paris is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A surprising survey this week revealed that occurrences of delusions had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in October and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," exclaimed Dr. Sheneena Martin of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a pleasant indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the astute physician donned a party table, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Sheneena Oscar. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
The Venezuela war came close to ending yesterday when rebels threatened Emperor Hussein. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Emperor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bouncy dictator outwitted them buoyantly.
Habid Kohl, leader of the opposition speculates that Hussein must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a criminal and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I might possibly just kick."
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Tallahassee Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Roger Irving was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Thomas.
Irving tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Sam Thomas, Irving's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Jeepers! That was the most magnanimous grandmother I've ever seen!"
Chances are 88 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's increaseing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for denizens without means," grunted Council member Waleed Ng, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless inhabitants and multiply the number of locals, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of money.
"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one drummer.
Local doctors in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
"What's the difference between Alexandria and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Walter Martin of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In a most distraught game last Thursday in Adana, the Bulldogs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Davis sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Wright and Oscar kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a roller blader after the game, "was when a feral llama infiltrated Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."