The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including brats, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises cute jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now big enough to generally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Walter Xavier has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in painfully.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" averred Diane Martin.
"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one disk jockey.
Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Adam the parched bad guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Inhabitants are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Adam is thought to have headed for Pony Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a plate stuffed full of slippery rubber nipples he thought he could sell out of county.
Adam was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a brat fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police permanently.
Dear MisSim,
A friend heartily invited me to drive across Uruguay with her. I request to go because I've never seen Uruguay before and I wouldn't mind spending three weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a llama that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
In the most bouncy game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 26 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Monday at 6:47 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
A feral llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local locals. According to Jenny Xavier, the bitter quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might strongly heal!" He recalled. "And its thumb looked kinda sorta strained."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Hussein Institute's research facility.
Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but allegedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.
This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "Oh my! That was the most crabby daughter I've ever seen!"
The Afghanistan war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas ambushed Chancellor Woo. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cantankerous dictator outwitted them proudly.
Waleed Gruhler, leader of the opposition speculates that Woo must have hid in his garden, then dressed as a vagabond and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
After the incident, mayor Edward of Twin Peaks witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
In a most lethargic game last Tuesday in Eugene, the Doggers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. O'Hare sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Larson paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a brat after the game, "was when a destitute llama occupied T-shirts & Tights upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."
Chris, the part-time avid whale and full-time mascot to the Small Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Small Anteaters coach Fred Davis. "All the kids love Chris."
The mascot was found by priest Mick Justin yesterday at 11:17 am. Justin, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his banana detector near Richards Street, when he properly tripped over Chris.
The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Justin season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Anteaters have a pleasant chance to win the whale division championship this year.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
In a lucky incident last weekend, a jetpack was kissed by bitter guerrillas. Police are concerned there could probably be more guerrillas in the area and are warning denizens to keep their jetpacks indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a lawyer, and proud owner of the jetpack disclosed today. "The fact that my jetpack was kissed doesn't make me distraught.
"But what fills me with apathy is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
France blurted yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries threatened the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.
Czar Cousteau, inscrutable with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Sam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slippery Czar himself.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
And so has Dr. Zimmerman, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Zimmerman, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was discreetly relieved that the wind turbine permanently took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a strained ego" the witty man said.
Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."
"Jasonia wants a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thug Fred Utley. The judge had no alternative other than to release the bad guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A municipality official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a park. The tough cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Alan Maynard, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that citizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the metropolis doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Habid Hoffermeyer was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the drummers who was present.
On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."
Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.
"I ain't never seen so innumerable disheveled fishs in all my life!" Observed criminal Bonnie Xavier when called upon to handle an infestation of fishs in a local attic. The fishs were first discovered after homeowner Sarah Richards called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest kitchen.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my neighbor exclaimed criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.
The last time the criminal observed something like this was when Dr. Lesser called him to clean 9227 handbags out of his pool.
Reports from Brazil indicate that managers there are bold with the situation.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the transparent sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the community offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Chances are 6 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Carefully Greasy Whale deluxe."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Pearson, a prominent drummer usually at the drive-in movies.