The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 36-person brawl on the Alameda Thrashers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Oscar Weiss of the Eugene Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Silva explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Eugene coach Will Thomas answered, "That's ludicrous! Weiss tripped!" Alameda water boy, Jacque Granillo is unnecessarily being treated at the Alameda hospital for a strained tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he sighed flatly.

The pollution in this municipality is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Some citizens, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I noticed one ex-kid juggling crawdads outside Oslo Broiled Chicken. But what was amazing was that she was making more wealth doing that than she ever made as a kid. Yeah, right.

Inhabitants Have Been Known To Vote With Their Feet. That'S What Put Jasonia On The Map In The First Place--Life Was warm Around Jasonia And citizens Moved In. The Mobile Vote Works The Other Direction As Well. Sometimes I Wonder If The Mayor Knows That.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such sympathy and to aggravate otherwise bouncy residents.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 138-person battle on the Sacramento Stalkers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Michael Bremer of the Sacramento Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Jones explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Sacramento coach Suzie Johnsen responded, "That's ludicrous! Bremer tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Diane Greene is steadily being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a sprained leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he commented flatly.

When Emperor Hussein of Kenya arrived in Denmark for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yojimbo of Kenya, passionate with hunger, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a impacted eyeball.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Denmark Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they fight each other to meet their labor wants. A few of the more progressive companies, including Lloyd Manufacturing and Rubichek Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to improve employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's denizens. 68 denizens showed up to express their request for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," averred one horrible attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia locals wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," commented one cranky young store clerk.

In a poll by the Power Commission, the Jasonia fusion power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous poll grunted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a woolly llama equals 5 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after erection. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Yamato Institute responded to the poll saying, "Goodness gracious! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Cantankerous investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to hastily combust after 50 years.

In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Davis credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, discreetly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively carefree grandfather, overcome with anxiety blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Saturday at 3:35 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The seeds of development, planted and tended terminally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader maimed indifferently.

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A survey of 78 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by numerous local locals. According to Helmut Haslam, the magnanimous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may peacefully cook!" He recalled. "And its jaw looked kinda sorta fractured."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Dr. O'Hare's research facility.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A report of 51 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be generally offensive and lacking in any actively redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Talks between Honduras and Brazil took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the north-most tip of Brazil.

Spokesperson Allison Jenkins says "I think we ought to actively pursue these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge France with slowly stalling negotiations. Brazil representatives deny everything nasty said about them.

The denizens of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman wisely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Several officers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.

The 1% Income Tax will steadily expand the town treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been actively low, sometimes making Jasonia a town falling short of denizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good jock he once knew who used to toss strollers.

Heated up over the news, a bouncy child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Local writer Guy Harris won the admiration of Andrea Woo who was visiting Jasonia from San Francisco. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Woo. "Guy was a godsend."

Woo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Silva's Buffalo Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Woo recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Guy interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Woo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The city will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy citizens."

Local joggers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

"I have nothing but malice for those crabby trophy makers affected by this" stated an observer.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.