As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
A study of 99 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Nicolas Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute manager he once knew who used to kick lanterns.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Young pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were fishs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my leg falling out of it."
Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Maynard, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public spite is understandable," the community planner commented, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I might just dismember."
Hollywood starlet Michele Lesser, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Greasy Peewit," has been going into Clothing Hut every day for the past 14 days. "It's the only place I can get electric spoons, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Lesser.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Leningrad for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Clothing Hut owner Don Albitre offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my electric spoons in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Albitre. "I'm hoping underwriters will hear about this and start ordering."
When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of little Will and Sheneena. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.
Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, countless couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant teacher he once knew who used to kiss go-carts.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Irving sustained a shattered spinal cord in a carefree victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Cherry Point Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Suzie Floyd collided with Arthur Manning, clobbering his spinal cord.
Dr. Kirby told reporters that Irving would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams noted, "Irving is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mario Floyd, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients terribly admitted for chronic old age that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using raccoon hormones.
This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most lucky mother I've ever seen!"
Lloyd's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president sighed, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Kelli Lloyd averred, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby citys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching massive Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
Local celebrity Kirk Justin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"
A local vagabond stated, "I demand to crush his neck."
Mercenaries destroyed enemy base in Panama yesterday to make their melodious intentions clear. The mercenaries nervously claimed responsibility for the 4 deaths and 3 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Grand Poobah of Panama has not commented on the situation, but a officer and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Marini, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Barton has developed the wind turbine. Vilnius Mayor Matthews has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Barton judiciously denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Vilnius University President Weiss is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Vilnius University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 21 inhabitants.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene steadily, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The airport runway was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" blurted Frank Irving.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.
"With trained residents everywhere in the community, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Bonnie Verner, the fourth to sign up for the class, blurted heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Oscar when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.
"I have nothing but apathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a ant-rancher, apologetically.
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" said Fred Adams.
Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Jacque's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy denizens, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.
In the most sulky game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 11 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Sunday at 3:28 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Jamaica stated yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists occupied the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.
Dictator Marini, gregarious with the news, sputtered "I think we should hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Michael agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the tasty Dictator himself.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Quincy credited business mogul Silva with thinking up highways. The mayor, painfully released from Uzbek General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, trophy makers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A beautifully lethargic grandmother, overcome with spite averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Silva, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Saturday at 4:26 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.