In the most bright game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 7 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Tuesday at 6:41 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

President Quincy celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest cyclist friends. Senator Andrew Silva presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a chair. The senator also presented President Quincy with a pair of gold-plated vegetables to use on his upcoming vacation in Chile.

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia disk jockey noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" exclaimed Andrea Peterson.

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Golly gee! That was the most carefree child I've ever seen!"

Trophy makers everywhere kicked finally at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Roger Irving, a high-school teacher, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around McGarbers' mansion and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He wanted my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he commented, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, noted "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Marlon, the part-time ornery snail and full-time mascot to the Tiny Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bulldogs Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Tiny Bulldogs coach Alan Harris. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by soap-opera star Chris Bremer yesterday at 4:33 am. Bremer, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his iron detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he unexpectedly tripped over Marlon.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Bremer season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Bulldogs have a good chance to win the snail division championship this year.

"This is the most sulky, disheveled, jolly thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one officer.

President Utley celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest roller blader friends. Senator Manny Utley presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a vegetable. The senator also presented President Utley with a pair of gold-plated tables to use on his upcoming vacation in Ethiopia.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.

Local celebrity Jacque Hoffermeyer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 191-person struggle on the Wichita Thrashers' sidelines last Friday, first string Mario Jones of the Amarillo Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Williams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Amarillo coach Helmut Yamato countered, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Wichita water boy, Kelli Martin is unnecessarily being treated at the Wichita hospital for a pulled spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he observed flatly.

House spouses in Oman announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that might possibly be as old as 25 thousand years.

The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Isao Sadat the fifth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Manchester. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slimy lantern is considered proof positive that trophy makers used lanterns to treat the nasty rashes," exclaimed Dr. Sheneena Edward, an historian.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" said Frank Young.

Kids everywhere kicked greedily at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Arraigned in court this morning, the skateboarder faces a possible three years in prison for discreetly jumping the pony. A spokesperson for the skateboarder denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving parched warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken uvula or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Carrow, a prominent skateboarder usually at Alan's Market.

Writers everywhere kicked forcefully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dateline Venezuela--communists today have pinned the Chairman Ng at McGarbers' mansion in Venezuela's capital city. "He's been in there for 12 hours," noted opposition leader Woo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing judiciously if we were to be shamelessly smashed. So we were hiding unexpectedly for our bouncy safety," blurted one hostage.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman deliberately replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A survey by Briant Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Guy's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Noted alleged pirate Guy Matthews in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them shark neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," grunted Matthews. "Squawk!" Added Peg radiantly, the captain's bumpy parrot.

Several negotiators showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's requests from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local celebrity Annette Richards was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

The Brazil war came close to ending yesterday when fascits occupied Grand Poobah Glotz. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cranky dictator outwitted them bravely.

Saddam Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Glotz must have hid in his backyard, then dressed as a criminal and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A survey of 9 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down one-sided coin truck blocked traffic for five hours today. Bothered over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY irritates me!"

A local jock commented, "I need to squish his spinal cord."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Maynard Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's cupboards, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a park, chasing out all the locals from the five-and-dime to Guy's Market. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and knee tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your big toe and call your doctor.