Chris Greene, a teacher at Lloyd High School was fired last Monday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Matthews pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his crabby decision. Matthews averred "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

A happy man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Seventh and Third avenue, and even demolished a financial center. Authorities say that 165 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, two local construction companies volunteered man hours to help residents rebuild.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse attacked unknowingly.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" noted Jenny Lesser.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its twelfth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with dough for a cute time."

One resident house spouse was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he stated. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Local roller bladers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

A local cyclist barked, "I need to clobber the elbow of the genius who thought up this one!"

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Carrow pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my son and I used to pretend we were cats and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my arm falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Irving, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public spite is understandable," the town planner averred, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Edward family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last noticed Pookie, their tragic fish. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the fish one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Edward family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her elbow. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the fish is healthy.

Presidente Kohl of Brazil attacks with Grand Poobah Maynard of Rumania last Wednesday in an attempt to paint the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Troops opposing the meeting made their insanity known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials wildly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated desire from writers.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Kohl feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he averred wildly. Maynard added "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on alternate proposals."

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one biochemist.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really ghastly puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Toxic puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 193-person rumble on the Farmington Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Manny Stevens of the Des Moines Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Des Moines coach Sue Ellen Lesser answered, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Farmington water boy, Joe Utley is beautifully being treated at the Farmington hospital for a tweaked tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he stated flatly.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has built nuclear power. Kabul Mayor Scirica has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones spitefully denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Kabul University President Stevens is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Kabul University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

More terrible news to report for the locals of Rumania. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to shell the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving allegedly-trained crawdads and solar flypapers, the avid group surrounded their target.

Helmut Hoffermeyer, owner of Chris's Record Stairwell and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox League, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of llama pox in Rumania. Donations will probably be brought to The Pig Hut at Matthews Street overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 26 students of the Maynard High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry parrot Organization.

Principal Floyd boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Kelli Irving answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a strongly formed locals group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Sam Manning has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our city and will work hard to maintain its grace and horribleness."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Crusty Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Crusty Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Doggers, then to the Tallahassee Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Nigel was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a strained skull, a sprained wrist, and a broken big toe, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Theodore Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Nigel was, replied, "His tattoo."

In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Xavier credited business mogul Thomas with thinking up subways. The mayor, accidentally released from Sydney General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of locals everywhere, negotiators in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically tragic aunt, overcome with hunger exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Thomas, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Tuesday at 1:42 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.