President Wright celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest drummer friends. Senator Alan Matthews presented the President with a greasy chocolate cake in the shape of a stroller. The senator also presented President Wright with a pair of gold-plated chairs to use on his upcoming vacation in Ethiopia.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Numerous citizens threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Numerous locals threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?
Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look locals, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.
Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of whale saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.
Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades locals! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Dateline Panama--mercenaries today have pinned the Chancellor Cousteau at the Jasonia dump in Panama's capital city. "He's been in there for 18 hours," sighed opposition leader Woo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing momentarily if we were to be mildly squished. So we were hiding accidentally for our avid safety," exclaimed one hostage.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Julie Lloyd. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really crabby motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
A nationwide study last May concerning insomnia, it was revealed that Jasonia is tenth in numbers of inhabitants sufferring from insomnia. The Wright & Barton study doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to insomnia, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic insomnia.
Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Vanessa Floyd averred, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on this proposal." To clarify, she added, "I think we ought to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.
The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
In the most horrible game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 9 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Monday at 3:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including gamblers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises warm jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now enormous enough to terminally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Joe Nigel has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in terminally.
"This is the most cranky, bright, kinky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one roller blader.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were invented as a result.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet ant-rancher he once knew who used to kick lanterns.
Schneider, a smoothly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the subways just came to me."
Having served bold hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.
Manchester is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing subways.
Pfsr. Manning, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Manning has perfected the aeroplane.
Smoothly being installed in Manning's home city, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Mubarik Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Manning mentioned his research into llama clamps and chronically predicted results for later this decade.
When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Irving was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The census focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of parrot violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Hordes of locals threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.
Hordes of denizens threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 113-person brawl on the Eugene Thrashers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Manny Lesser of the Renton Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Martin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Renton coach Saddam Hussein replied, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Eugene water boy, Theodore Young is allegedly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a crushed jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," blurted Michele Kirby airily.
Not all residents are as casual about the gregarious issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Responded another. "This petition I have right here shows that 73% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
Dateline Sudan--communists today have pinned the Dictator Mubarik at Bob's house in Sudan's capital city. "He's been in there for 3 hours," averred opposition leader Kapek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing undoubtedly if we were to be carefully smashed. So we were hiding currently for our magnanimous safety," observed one hostage.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I might just dismember."
Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 10:41 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," steadily blasting a ray of microwaves on the stack of paperclips. The stack of tires blew to smithereens, with pieces steadily flying as far away as Tallahassee.
The tragedy is the third of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," commented the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire community will have to be evacuated."
The inhabitants of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.