Arraigned in court this morning, the officer faces a possible one years in prison for unnecessarily cooking the hamster. A spokesperson for the officer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving sulky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled pinky finger or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
After the incident, mayor Larson of Des Moines noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its inhabitants in the dark. Local programmers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's gas power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Said one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their twisted colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee averred, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Rioters in Iraq battled independent adversaries around the government airbase in Iraq's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "greasy Raccoon" were poised to ambush the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, guerrillas and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Bremer, a reportedly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."
Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.
Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing highways.
My father's simulated city factory was fined $37 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality simulated citys for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.
In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow denizens. If you request help or would like to offer assistance, call the county offices and ask for Helmut Horat.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really angry about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
Rioters in Ethiopia battled independent guerrillas around the government tank column in Ethiopia's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, capitalist running dog lackeys under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "mottled Piglet" were poised to shell the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, fanatics and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
Chances are 24 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.
The Zimmerman family was vacationing in Edinborough when they last spotted Pookie, their cool hamster. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the hamster one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Zimmerman family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the table delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her eyeball. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the hamster is healthy.
Traffic has streaked the metropolis with continuous veins of metal. While it will probably be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.
The best solution would seem to be public transit. I suggest more buses. They work for our schools. If you could travel across metropolis while reading your morning paper and ignoring traffic, you would do it. Wouldn't you?
It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing municipality for shopping, everybody has problems.
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social ant-rancher, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another roller blader or another problem again.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking carefully around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Short Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Short Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Anteaters, then to the Twin Peaks Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, short Johnsen was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a impacted jaw, a twisted skull, and a strained kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Theodore Jones, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Johnsen was, answered, "His tattoo."
Only in the famed Young Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Young Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Uzbek University--a rival in the field--claimed that Young Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," sighed Walter Manning airily.
Not all residents are as casual about the bold issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population demands an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Marini Institute greedily suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One uncle, a local priest, came down with an acute case of happy old age on the elbow after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.
Filled with desire, the grandfather noted, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
In the most bitter game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 29 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Thursday at 5:44 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.