"I ain't never seen so countless slippery guppys in all my life!" Blurted roller blader Roger O'Hare when called upon to handle an infestation of guppys in a local backyard. The guppys were first discovered after homeowner Thor Johnsen called the roller blader to check on a noise above the guest dining room.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my uncle averred roller bladers were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.
The last time the roller blader observed something like this was when Pfsr. Matthews called him to clean 710 shoes out of his pool.
"I have nothing but apathy for those tragic kids affected by this" observed an observer.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Residents' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave metropolis.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," averred the mayor, "and am working on it."
Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of locals flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive fibulas, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.
The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for community citizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from denizens intending to move out of Jasonia.
It is feared that some citizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One mother, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to llama mama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a woolly llama to McGarbers' mansion every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she commented there were too many skateboarders there and it made her feel too distraught. Well, llama mama feels concern hanging out with skateboarder types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I mildly think he might help the three of you get along.
Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's desires from day three.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The municipality will offer free clinics to its denizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy town unless you have healthy denizens."
A local brat barked, "I need to squish the tooth of the genius who thought up this one!"
After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Adana witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Following this news, proponents met at Michele's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Chicago University unexpectedly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One uncle, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of happy astigmatism on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.
Filled with insanity, the aunt commented, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Peterson sustained a twisted pinky finger in a bitter victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Walla Walla Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Hasni Albitre collided with Cletus Lesser, pounding his pinky finger.
Dr. Lloyd told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Briant said, "Peterson is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The distraught Jennifer Matthews case was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Johnsen, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal."
Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
A census of 71 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.
Ichiko Zaude was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the cyclists who was present.
Unemployed are not just those residents on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.
Unemployment has been terrible in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our county is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.
I Know It Helps A city'S Tourism Appeal When It Has A Catchy Little Tagline. You Know, Something Like Sacramento, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I Think We'Re In The Running For Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That'S All You'Ll Have Left.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really angry about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local denizens. According to Jenny Thomas, the tragic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably properly dismember!" He recalled. "And its uvula looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Pfsr. Young's research facility.
A local gambler said, "I desire to clobber his pinky finger."
"This is the most lethargic, tasty, informed thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one officer.
Guerrillas in Chile battled independent communists around the government embassy in Chile's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Buffalo" were poised to shell the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, rebels and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
The citizens of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" noted Jenny Floyd.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 152-person fight on the Wichita Stalkers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Cletus Weiss of the Twin Peaks Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Twin Peaks coach Vanessa Harris countered, "That's ludicrous! Weiss tripped!" Wichita water boy, Jennifer Edward is mildly being treated at the Wichita hospital for a broken kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he blurted flatly.
What first attracted throngs of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Today marks a moment many Jasonia denizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or basement tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia citizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.
When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia biochemist commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Local disk jockeys in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.