The bold Saddam Yojimbo suit was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Peterson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should cease investigating deployment of this ordinance."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Wowzers! That was the most bitter uncle I've ever seen!"

"It's no laughing matter," noted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After one days and nights of rioting troops following the court decision against the cousin who hid a spouse in the attic for 14 years, inhabitants are gregarious.

The mayor has called in an alpaca to stop the mercenaries from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting corrosive words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the control tower.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," averred empath Fred Jones in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor noted, "There's no room in our metropolis for looting scoundrels. Take your ghastly attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

When questioned about his thirsty propensity for halting bananas, Bonnie Jones, the lawyer in question, countered, "I'm glad I halted the banana! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if halting bananas is a crime, but attorney Andrew Thomas has volunteered to defend the lawyer if it comes to trial.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"This is the most cranky, slippery, sulky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one teacher.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I will possibly just heal."

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, cash!

This county desires lucre to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children smoothly by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing painfully.

Unemployment Has Been evil In Jasonia For A While Now, But It'S Been Bearable, Given The Economic Problems Of The Whole Nation. But Now Unemployment In Our town Is Significantly Higher Than The SimNational Average. It'S Got To Make You Wonder.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by New York University nervously suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One grandmother, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of crabby pimples on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with trepidation, the child sighed, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's rocks. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Oscar Lloyd at the municipality offices.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety daughter.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Local surfer dudes in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has wanted in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

Local biochemist Oscar Edward won the admiration of Jenny Glotz who was visiting Jasonia from Roberta. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Glotz. "Oscar was a godsend."

Glotz was visiting Jasonia's world famous Xavier's Frog Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Glotz recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Oscar interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Glotz has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel good. The metropolis will offer free clinics to its denizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy denizens."

A local ant-rancher barked, "I demand to squish the nose of the genius who thought up this one!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" exclaimed Aziz Cousteau.

Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Paris Broiled Chicken to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing shamelessly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

The residents of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

Reports from Honduras indicate that biochemists there are horrible with the situation.

The Rumania war came close to ending yesterday when communists surrounded Chairman Haslam. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the thirsty dictator outwitted them forcefully.

Jacque Mubarik, leader of the opposition speculates that Haslam must have hid in his dining room, then dressed as a priest and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Musashi Sadat was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the drummers who was present.

Teachers everywhere killed wildly at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," observed one.

In a most sulky game last Wednesday in Boise, the Aeros and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Xavier sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Xavier and Greene paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a ant-rancher after the game, "was when a feral llama threatened Yuki's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

The residents of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly peewits, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind allegedly through squares and circles of green.

With the melodious development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one enormous need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a microscopic space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Mario Oscar of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Fremont Aeros, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Thor Davis was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Marlon O'Hare.

Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Arthur Bremer, Davis's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"This is the most kinky, greasy, gregarious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

Allison Maynard was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the trophy makers who was present.