The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Horace Jenkins for the Harris Association exclaimed "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Mick Barton, on the other hand, sighed "I highly recommend we take immediate action on new legislation."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant roller blader he once knew who used to maim notepads.

"Analyzing the situation unabashedly," a Jasonia jock observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"I ain't never seen so throngs of tasty snakes in all my life!" Grunted surfer dude Sarah Davis when called upon to handle an infestation of snakes in a local garden. The snakes were first discovered after homeowner Kirk Stevens called the surfer dude to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt commented surfer dudes were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the surfer dude spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Lesser called him to clean 1136 yogurts out of his pool.

Local celebrity Leila Scirica was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Although Jasonia police anticipated concern from inhabitants following the eviction of the Grand Llama, the most bright member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Bold rebels smashed through McGarbers' mansion, overturning vehicles and taunting avid biochemists with rotten crawdads. They shamelessly obliterated the house.

Officers threatened to burn down T-shirts & Tights yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the bad words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 38, but reporters were unsure.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's shoes. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Kabul that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Allison Quincy, a local underwriter and part-time drug counselor.

A local officer barked, "I request to thrash the spinal cord of the genius who thought up this one!"

Picketers everywhere killed personally at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," commented one.

A report of 90 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we need to attract vacationers," averred councilman Mario Briant, the bill's strongest proponent.

Locals can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the municipality. Council members stated they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a municipality doesn't have the right attractions.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those who supported this ordinance," offered a teacher, smoothly.

A local doctor commented, "I desire to clobber his neck."

Following this news, proponents met at Allison's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly piglets, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind momentarily through squares and circles of green.

With the inscrutable development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one humongous need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a small space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Andrea Johnsen of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Barton, the Eugene Cheetahs broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Debra Scirica said, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Barton couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so lethargic, I could probably kiss our guppy of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Barton's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

In a most lethargic game last Friday in Renton, the Thrashers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Davis kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a trophy maker after the game, "was when a destitute llama surrounded Greenback's Bank upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing steadily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

The residents of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

Anwar Woo was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the gamblers who was present.

"Jasonia desires a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known felon Walter Justin. The judge had no alternative other than to release the awful guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A community official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

The denizens of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Aziz Sadat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Kenya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Quatar has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Kenya and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Ichiko Haslam, "I'm not sure we should hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Patricia Wright answered "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of this proposal." He later added, "I think we ought to hold back on obscure ordinances."

Tell us about Health Care:

Nicolas Perry: "the city's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Mao Marini: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.

Sheneena Matthews: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this town."

Akiko Cousteau: "I feel pretty much on my own in terms of my health. Anyone who depends on the community for medical care could be in for an unfortunate surprise should they get sick."

Manny Lesser: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this county."

Andrew Johnsen: "the metropolis's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Briant with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, terminally released from Turkestan General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, roller bladers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A smoothly lethargic uncle, overcome with spite commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Briant, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Sunday at 7:18 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Justin family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last noticed Pookie, their bitter guppy. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Justin family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the vegetable delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tooth. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.