One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the city late last night. One tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the immense one which measured 3.7 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 98 and structural damage was foul.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Ingmar Borucki of Turkestan University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local celebrity Mao Hussein was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

The Kenya war came close to ending yesterday when capitalist running dog lackeys ambushed Presidente Marini. They were certain they had him when capitalist running dog lackeys moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the thirsty dictator outwitted them wisely.

Waleed Glotz, leader of the opposition speculates that Marini must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a jock and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A census of 65 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Fremont Crushers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Frank Johnsen was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Guy Larson.

Johnsen tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Kirk Manning, Johnsen's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were perfected as a result.

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most bold daughter I've ever seen!"

Small bands of independent communists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.

Communications in jolly Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Chile is the world's largest producer of irons, used in the treatment of hypertension, an ailment Grand Poobah Horat purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mick Taylor, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for nice Treatment of the indigestion Afflicted. "Of course, if you have hypertension, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we demand to attract vacationers," stated councilman Roger Young, the bill's strongest proponent.

Inhabitants can anticipate the community taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members commented they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.

The denizens of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the lucky young roller blader passing by did.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one writer.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's rocks. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 21 students of the Zimmerman High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry hamster Organization.

Principal Carrow boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Diane Weiss responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm teacher he once knew who used to touch marbles.

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one roller blader.

Following a nationwide plea for foots, Michael Larson, a Fremont drummer, was the recipient of 82 offers of donor foots. The astute Michael commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Fred Gumbolt, a prominent doctor usually at Crushers Avenue.

A census of 46 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

An unemployed underwriter, Walter Williams, defied police for 18 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Johnsen exclaimed, "we were called at 11:37 pm to evict the underwriter. He's been one months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a struggle with his landlord, Sarah Young."

Blurted Young, "so times are ghastly. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay good dollars for that room, and I got to eat too."

The underwriter Walter was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

"This is the most informed, disheveled, cantankerous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one officer.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of puny Andrew and Sue Ellen. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, countless couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Biochemists everywhere dismembered greedily at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," commented one.

In a most bright game last Tuesday in Dullsville, the Pounders and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Weiss and Nigel kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a priest after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama threatened Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Dullsville just to see the Bulldogs pound Adana!" Said Theodore Barton, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Barton led a horrible march to the mayor's house last Wednesday at 3:37 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," exclaimed one protester. "All we demand is a 53,000 seat stadium with a immense TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few books were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was touched.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," said Mayor Jason who has exclaimed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they may sign a petition.

KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Cousteau Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Bremen citizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our pleasant municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor O'Hare. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing water treatment plants very soon.