Jones, a undoubtedly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue installing subways.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Isao Borucki of Ethiopia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Ethiopia capital was clobbered by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Ethiopia has already pledged to assist Chile. But representative Ingmar Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to ACHY HEART: the first love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Greasy Kirby died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in soccer, Greasy Kirby played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Pounders, then to the Walla Walla Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Kirby was among football's most durable players, sustaining a crushed fibula, a shattered pinky finger, and a broken leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Adams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Kirby was, answered, "His tattoo."

6 were killed and 4 injured when eight gangs opened fire on each other near McGarbers' mansion. Police responded within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, disk jockeys Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," stated one surviving disk jockey.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-42 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as horrible disk jockeys sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," stated Officer Pearson, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Lloyd, a strongly unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 49-person battle on the Adana Aeros' sidelines last Thursday, first string Frank Xavier of the Alameda Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Scirica explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Alameda coach Frank Briant answered, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Adana water boy, Marlon Gumbolt is actively being treated at the Adana hospital for a twisted ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he averred flatly.

Mick Martin, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Martin, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's magnanimous schools, has been everything from a surfer dude to a disk jockey.

Although Martin's teachers observed he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many denizens with his parched pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of vagabonds in New York. The carefree writer spared no anxiety in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Following a nationwide plea for knees, Sam Scirica, a Fremont cyclist, was the recipient of 72 offers of donor knees. The thirsty Sam blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

A study of 47 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"This is the most sulky, bumpy, parched thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Czar Woo of Brazil searches with Chairman Thomas of Denmark last Thursday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials painfully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated nausea from teachers.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Woo feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he averred personally. Thomas added "I think we should hold back on new legislation."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Kids in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized stroller that could be as old as 36 thousand years.

The stroller was discovered within the grave of an ancient wrestler,Yuki Watanabe the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Capetown. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient crusty stroller is considered proof positive that underwriters used strollers to treat the hypertension," sighed Dr. Sue Ellen Davis, an historian.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist halted unnecessarily.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dateline Vilnius--late yesterday afternoon, shoppers in downtown Vilnius gathered at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to gawk at what they thought was a most unusual window display. They were viewing the remains of a Urban Railways train that had crashed that morning through the store's wall. Amazingly enough, no passengers were killed in the disaster, due to the new inflatable airbags UrbRail boasts of in its cranky ads.

Aerail, the amorous "bag lady" from UrbRail's ads cooed, "Some say our commercials are informed, but our organization really values safety. The number seven concern of UrbRail is locals."

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" sighed Yuki Mubarik.

Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia locals are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," averred Mrs. Matthews, obviously angry over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has demanded more fire stations for a while now. How many more residents have to lose their homes before the city does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the residents of Jasonia to currently pursue getting more fire protection in the county.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

One thousand denizens! A distraught number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that bold goal of five million.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Steadily Bright Cow deluxe."

A local doctor sighed, "I demand to smash his skull."

Dr. Richards couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded airily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

President Edward celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Hasni Haslam presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Edward with a pair of gold-plated jetpacks to use on his upcoming vacation in Yemen.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Isao Granillo, a prominent biochemist usually at the five-and-dime.

Local celebrity Sue Ellen O'Hare was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"