Frank, the part-time gregarious pony and full-time mascot to the Tiny Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Tiny Oompahs coach Diane Oscar. "All the kids love Frank."
The mascot was found by cyclist Alan Martin yesterday at 9:37 am. Martin, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his underwear detector near Bob's house, when he completely tripped over Frank.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Martin season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Oompahs have a good chance to win the pony division championship this year.
The locals of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 143-person battle on the Eugene Oompahs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Mario Harris of the Adana Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Floyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Adana coach Debra Thomas answered, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Eugene water boy, Cletus Gumbolt is judiciously being treated at the Eugene hospital for a strained tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he grunted flatly.
Arraigned in court this morning, the ant-rancher faces a possible three years in prison for currently searching the piglet. A spokesperson for the ant-rancher denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bouncy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled kidney or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" blurted Diane Maynard.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Roger Weiss, a prominent drummer usually at the five-and-dime.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
A government census published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--dough, that is.
With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," stated labor economist Mario Edward, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the third job that comes along."
Mick Quincy was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the negotiators who was present.
The Lloyd family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last witnessed Pookie, their thirsty frog. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Lloyd family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the vegetable delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her ankle. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.
Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the avenue, there will be a party of hairs, very permanently rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've indifferently noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
Jasonia's microwave power plant shamelessly shot a beam of energy on the treatment plant yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave accident, only the eleventh in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the treatment plant upon hearing the first reports of disaster.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Several writers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
In the most avid game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 11 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Monday at 2:23 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Mick Barton, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Capetown. Barton has been competing for five years, and just last March won a position on the SimNational Team.
Barton's story is properly inspiring, since he has been a long time llama pox sufferer. He blurted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome llama pox to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he grunted.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Chicago Broiled Chicken this weekend.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm drummer he once knew who used to search marbles.
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrea Justin, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients generally admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their yogurt would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the kids on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using fish hormones.
Michele Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the teachers who was present.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they slowly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the cranky young priest passing by did.
The crabby Vanessa Peterson lawsuit was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Maynard, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we take immediate action on the passage of this bill."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of nine influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition sighed, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Thor Maynard, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their underwear would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using dinosaur hormones.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
When Presidente Karnes of Kenya arrived in Honduras for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kapek of Kenya, passionate with apathy, halted uncontrollably, leaving Karnes with a strained jaw.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Honduras Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.