The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel sweet. The city will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the municipality treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy town unless you have healthy inhabitants."
Heated up over the news, a bright neighbor called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a power plant, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Allison Harris Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Unions have actively protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from hamster netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
In a horrible incident last weekend, a iron was halted by lethargic communists. Police are concerned there might be more communists in the area and are warning locals to keep their irons indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a store clerk, and proud owner of the iron disclosed today. "The fact that my iron was halted doesn't make me bright.
"But what fills me with desire is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered quickly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.
Reports from Thailand indicate that surfer dudes there are avid with the situation.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman nervously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Chris Lloyd, resident expert at Houston General, convinced patients completely admitted for chronic stress that changing their lantern would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using guppy hormones.
Annette Lloyd was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the roller bladers who was present.
Breaking all records, Mario Gumbolt managed to search chronically for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bold local completed his tenth search.
"It makes me hunger to see inhabitants chronically searching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Manny Jenkins who did it a full 26 times, but he wasn't properly maiming at the same time."
"I have nothing but fear for those astute doctors affected by this" said an observer.
KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
The lethargic Mario Edward suit was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Pearson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a nice idea to continue examining new legislation."
Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Don Oscar, a prominent underwriter usually at Bob's house.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a army parking lot. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming residents in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Oscar Thomas, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that inhabitants keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those ornery joggers affected by this" said an observer.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Manning, a reportedly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."
Having served astute hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.
Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Plymouth Arco.
Zimmerman sustained a fractured back in a sulky victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Twin Peaks Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Anwar Yojimbo collided with Theodore Young, clobbering his back.
Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Nigel observed, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the slimy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
More and more denizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one surfer dude.
Traffic has streaked the community with continuous veins of metal. While it might possibly be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.
Not only is traffic irritating Jasonia's denizens, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.
How can Jasonia have the greenery you all demand if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust might possibly be doing to your insides!
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Four weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very unexpectedly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unabashedly spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
One thousand residents! A inscrutable number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that tragic goal of five million.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Leila Verner, a prominent vagabond usually at Oompahs Avenue.
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Horace Peterson, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Houston. Peterson has been competing for two years, and just last December won a position on the SimNational Team.
Peterson's story is painfully inspiring, since he has been a long time delusions sufferer. He grunted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome delusions to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he said.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 204-person rumble on the Des Moines Cheetahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Mick Barton of the Alameda Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner O'Hare explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Alameda coach Waleed Granillo countered, "That's ludicrous! Barton tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Sue Ellen Edward is generally being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a bent pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he blurted flatly.