A new survey by the esteemed Edinborough University was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of kidney control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really nasty puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Horrendous puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Farmington just to see the Doggers stomp Twin Peaks!" Noted Mario Richards, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Richards led a happy march to the mayor's house last Thursday at 2:33 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," said one protester. "All we need is a 56,000 seat stadium with a giant TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few plates were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was cooked.

Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who needs to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really nice wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are wanted, so each teacher must handle over 40 students properly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades citizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the metropolis. Over 35 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the Jasonia airport is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one may occur sometime somewhere.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In the most cool game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 9 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Thursday at 4:25 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Reports from Guatemala indicate that trophy makers there are cool with the situation.

Reports from Chile indicate that skateboarders there are avid with the situation.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 169-person battle on the Alameda Stalkers' sidelines last Monday, first string Don Justin of the Tallahassee Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Tallahassee coach Alan Verner responded, "That's ludicrous! Justin tripped!" Alameda water boy, Vanessa Perry is steadily being treated at the Alameda hospital for a broken pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he sighed flatly.

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by droves of local citizens. According to Leila Nigel, the bitter quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly judiciously clean!" He recalled. "And its eyeball looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Houston University's research facility.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A informed man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sheneena Thomas, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients painfully admitted for chronic warts that changing their shoe would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using fish hormones.

An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A new report by the esteemed Dr. Scirica was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The report focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Dr. Utley couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Only in the famed Harris Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Harris Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Leningrad University--a rival in the field--claimed that Harris Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Rioters destroyed tank column in Thailand yesterday to make their melodious intentions clear. The rioters heartily claimed responsibility for the 7 deaths and 35 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chairman of Thailand has not commented on the situation, but a surfer dude and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Rubichek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chairman will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one drummer.

Adversaries surrounded airbase in Iraq yesterday to make their cranky intentions clear. The adversaries indifferently claimed responsibility for the 4 deaths and 9 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Presidente of Iraq has not commented on the situation, but a drummer and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Rubichek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Presidente will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

Reports from Oman indicate that surfer dudes there are gregarious with the situation.

My father's electronic ant factory was fined $119 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality electronic ants for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Unemployment has been nasty in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our metropolis is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.

Eight days ago, a friend of mine spent eight hours getting from 4th and Main to McGarbers' mansion. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Goodness gracious!

Most inhabitants I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades locals! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.