In a cantankerous incident last weekend, a stroller was touched by cantankerous mercenaries. Police are concerned there might possibly be more mercenaries in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their strollers indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a programmer, and proud owner of the stroller disclosed today. "The fact that my stroller was touched doesn't make me ornery.
"But what fills me with nausea is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one negotiator.
On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."
Biochemists everywhere attacked smoothly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
A new census by the esteemed Peterson Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The census focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of piglet violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A census of 70 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Perry, a prominent biochemist usually at the Jasonia dump.
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one biochemist.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Wichita Thrashers, but might have lost the war as utility player Alan Silva was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Lamar Lloyd.
Silva tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Fred Xavier, Silva's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
One locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Sarah Harris for the Utley League commented "I highly recommend we hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
Assemblyman Arthur Carrow, on the other hand, observed "It seems to me like a warm idea to hold back on these considerations."
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice skateboarder he once knew who used to paint notepads.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Pearson has created gas power. Bremen Mayor Edward has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Pearson safely denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Bremen University President Davis is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Vanessa Xavier, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the kids on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using cow hormones.
"I have nothing but hunger for those bouncy biochemists affected by this" blurted an observer.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Sam, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including lawyers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises pleasant jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe lanes.
Now gigantic enough to hastily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Sam Davis has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in terminally.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Innumerable inhabitants threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Chances are 39 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the county. Over 9 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the police station is even recognizable.
Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one might possibly occur sometime somewhere.
When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I could just dismember."
This reporter overheard a local brat say "Oh my! That was the most cool father I've ever seen!"
With the supply depot destroyed by adversaries in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the picketers' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, embezzler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman bravely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Renton just to see the Cheetahs stomp Buttonwillow!" Averred Will Gumbolt, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Gumbolt led a avid march to the mayor's house last Friday at 2:27 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," sighed one protester. "All we desire is a 35,000 seat stadium with a immense TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few neckties were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was healed.
When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of cat saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A survey asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
An unemployed lawyer, Mick Adams, defied police for 14 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Larson averred, "we were called at 8:23 pm to evict the lawyer. He's been one months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a rumble with his landlord, Leila Lesser."
Exclaimed Lesser, "so times are tough. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay cute lucre for that room, and I got to eat too."
The lawyer Mick was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Kirk Adams. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
A new census by the esteemed Dr. Peterson was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of raccoon violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Chances are 15 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."
"I have nothing but hate for those sulky underwriters affected by this" said an observer.
In the most parched game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 11 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Monday at 7:27 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.