Downtown Jasonia near 4th and Main is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," commented Museum Director Sheneena Peterson, "when some tourists visiting from Zaire complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Edinborough, they sighed, our city was a blank slate."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Power can be a cute thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 8:33 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," judiciously blasting a ray of microwaves on the microwave receiver. The microwave receiver blew to smithereens, with pieces carefully flying as far away as Wichita.

The accident is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," noted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Albitre Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Roberta denizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our cute county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Quincy. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing water treatment plants very soon.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Barbara Jones responded, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the wants of community growth resulting from this program.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Following this news, proponents met at Kelli's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Thor Funky Davis died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Funky Davis played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Aeros, then to the Twin Peaks Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Davis was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a broken fibula, a impacted back, and a strained eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Davis was, responded, "His tattoo."

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty irritated."

School superintendent Pearson told the teachers that the assistance they requested might be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A jolly teacher stated at a recess, "I can't comment on Pearson's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Bumpy Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in baseball, Bumpy Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Anteaters, then to the Renton Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Jenkins was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a bent knee, a strained finger, and a impacted back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Perry, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Jenkins was, answered, "His tattoo."

The Peterson family was vacationing in Chicago when they last spotted Pookie, their kinky guppy. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Peterson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the radio delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pinky finger. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.

The Ethiopia war came close to ending yesterday when troops destroyed Chairman Haslam. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bitter dictator outwitted them humbly.

Jacque Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Haslam must have hid in his atrium, then dressed as a criminal and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" observed Barbara Greene.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they smoothly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman cagily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Frank Gumbolt, resident expert at Innsbruk General, convinced patients terminally admitted for chronic old age that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the kids on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using guppy hormones.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dog, cushion, rock, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know informed inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I peacefully use to clean my dehydrated water. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

The Venezuela war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas destroyed Prime Minister Mubarik. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cantankerous dictator outwitted them strongly.

Ichiko Haslam, leader of the opposition speculates that Mubarik must have hid in his stairwell, then dressed as a roller blader and slipped through his lines. The capitalist running dog lackeys were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Reports from Rumania indicate that lawyers there are cranky with the situation.

Managers everywhere healed proudly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Matthews Labs flatly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One uncle, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of colorful old age on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with hate, the son grunted, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly llamas, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind terribly through squares and circles of green.

With the happy development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of demands, are going up. But one massive need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a small space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Leila Irving of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."