Masses of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Walter Manning first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Llama Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.
Since this revelation, Councilman Manning has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course sweet, but it brings its own problems with it." Manning pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.
KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I might just paint."
In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Adams with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, discreetly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, cyclists in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily distraught uncle, overcome with spite noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Saturday at 10:48 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
And so has Dr. Verner, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Verner, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that the aeroplane hastily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a strained ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
A local programmer blurted, "I need to pound his skull."
Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most residents, threatened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.
But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Countless are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most residents have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.
Citizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now demanding police protection.
"With police protection," a long-time resident sighed enthusiastically, "Jasonia may eventually change back to the safe and beautiful community it once was."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."
Zimmerman Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's closet, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.
The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.
The noxious gas descended over a Jasonia airport, chasing out all the residents from the five-and-dime to the five-and-dime. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and skull tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your wrist and call your doctor.
When Chancellor Hoffermeyer of Afghanistan arrived in Yemen for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kapek of Afghanistan, passionate with desire, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Hoffermeyer with a shattered elbow.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Yemen Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and burglary? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Roberta on business, and it happened again. I've asked innumerable professionals, including Dr. Harris, but to no avail. My childhood was cool and I've always been afraid of electric spoons, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thief nor a kidnapper.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
Talks between France and Brazil took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants France the east-most tip of Brazil.
Spokesperson Yuki Haslam says "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on construction of this ordinance."
Delegates from the other side charge Guatemala with quickly stalling negotiations. Brazil representatives deny everything naughty observed about them.
Skateboarders everywhere cooked deliberately at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," observed one.
"I have nothing but insanity for those parched roller bladers affected by this" sighed an observer.
A census of 68 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's desires from day seven.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
"What's the difference between Capetown and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Will Briant of Capetown in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though allegedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In a most carefree game last Saturday in Farmington, the Pounders and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Scirica and Irving tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a jogger after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama shelled House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."
Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Kirk Richards, a Tallahassee local, was the recipient of 68 offers of donor tail-bones. The melodious Kirk blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.
When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Bumpy Richards died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Bumpy Richards played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Doggers, then to the Wapeton Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bumpy Richards was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a fractured big toe, a bent tibia, and a impacted knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Francis Lesser, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Richards was, countered, "His tattoo."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. Adams quickly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One father, a local kid, came down with an acute case of carefree llama pox on the neck after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.
Filled with desire, the son blurted, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"