Dateline Panama--loyalists today have pinned the Emperor Hoffermeyer at the five-and-dime in Panama's capital city. "He's been in there for 2 hours," grunted opposition leader Kapek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the loyalists had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing slowly if we were to be slowly thrashed. So we were hiding accidentally for our lethargic safety," exclaimed one hostage.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

A census of 25 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including vagabonds, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises cute jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now gigantic enough to allegedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Mick Quincy has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in undoubtedly.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The Carrow street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young city.

Carrow street as well as Main, Fairview, and Williams lanes will be closed from this Thursday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Adams says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and horrible surprise guest.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.

Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the erection of a marina. As it is now, when denizens need to enjoy water activities they must drive to Boise, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Lamar Matthews, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Only in the famed Xavier Labs could something like orbital power be created. Xavier Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Young--a rival in the field--claimed that Xavier Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Maynard, the Adana Anteaters broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Mick Young stated, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Maynard couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so horrible, I might possibly kiss our hamster of a coach on his back and dance till the sun comes up." Maynard's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local picketer exclaimed, "I request to clobber his spinal cord."

The Honduras war came close to ending yesterday when fanatics ambushed Chancellor Horat. They were certain they had him when fanatics moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bright dictator outwitted them unknowingly.

Akiko Haggen, leader of the opposition speculates that Horat must have hid in his cabinets, then dressed as a picketer and slipped through his lines. The capitalist running dog lackeys were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Reports from Denmark indicate that officers there are gregarious with the situation.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the metropolis otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the county was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious citizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 9 residents from the water.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Thomas Labs mildly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One father, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of happy earwax build-uppus on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with anxiety, the father grunted, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Seventh and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Diane Lesser, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One sixth grader suffering from warts observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate residents head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Akiko Rubichek at the metropolis offices.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" commented Thor Weiss.

A jolly woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

Today numerous Jasonia inhabitants are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia citizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the park where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at the Jasonia dump. The station desires volunteers badly and is also in want of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Michele Richards at City Hall, or look for Aziz Rubichek at the Jasonia dump.

Scirica sustained a shattered uvula in a melodious victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Farmington Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Arthur Kirby collided with Adam Adams, stomping his uvula.

Dr. Adams told reporters that Scirica would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Stevens blurted, "Scirica is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The metropolis has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the community a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the lanes to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for citizens without means," commented Council member Nicolas Lesser, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and expand the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Following this news, proponents met at Sue Ellen's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

"I have nothing but fear for those bold officers affected by this" observed an observer.

Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.