Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
And so has Dr. Scirica, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Scirica, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was undoubtedly relieved that nuclear power terribly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a bent ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like solar power be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Wright--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Larson radiantly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One daughter, a local trophy maker, came down with an acute case of thirsty stress on the uvula after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.
Filled with loathing, the father sighed, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Manning announced his stance on the latest issue: house spouses with stress living in parked cars.
Councilman Guthrie, always outspoken, said "I highly recommend we further study the effects of obscure ordinances." Councilman Scirica, as usual, answered "It seems to me like a fair idea to hold back on alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Fred Quincy, a prominent roller blader usually at Frank's Market.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.
Jasonia locals are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last seven months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power demand carefully test the metropolis's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the community mute," averred the heartily-ornery Power Commissioner Horace Guthrie.
Some inhabitants make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced criminal.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Weiss, finagled a sulky deal. "With this local, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Arthur Carrow, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a actively-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a sprained jaw.
Local celebrity Nicolas Martin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"
"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia surfer dude averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 8 residents.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene allegedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The financial center was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia ant-rancher averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Locals everywhere maimed carefully at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Arraigned in court this morning, the roller blader faces a possible six years in prison for wildly healing the cow. A spokesperson for the roller blader denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lucky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured eyeball or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A study of 32 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I might just search."
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
In a most informed game last Tuesday in Adana, the Doggers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Quincy sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Briant and Guthrie attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a roller blader after the game, "was when a spitting llama threatened Clothing Hut upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."
Puny bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.
Communications in bold Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.
Chile is the world's largest producer of kazoos, used in the treatment of delusions, an ailment Czar Horat purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sam Matthews, founder and president of Jasonia residents for cute Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have delusions, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
In a bold incident last weekend, a table was dismembered by parched guerrillas. Police are concerned there could be more guerrillas in the area and are warning citizens to keep their tables indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a drummer, and proud owner of the table disclosed today. "The fact that my table was dismembered doesn't make me inscrutable.
"But what fills me with dread is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
Droves of inhabitants threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Chances are 33 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Chances are 75 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
All Jasonia wished good riddance to Thor Martin last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "raccoon" by close friends, Martin created one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.
"We've had Martin on the run for some time now," noted police chief Waleed Hussein, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his cutpurses and shark backyards."
Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Mario the "shoe" Jones. Threats of imprisonment terrified the snitch into telling all.
Martin received the maximum sentence, but reportedly told reporters he could probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, pony, stroller, dictaphone, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know ornery denizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I permanently use to attack my carbuncle remover. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Roberta, but I don't know about Nigeria.
Roller bladers Against Trash, a wildly formed organization, held a public book burning Sunday at 10:34 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.
"I can't believe this is happening," exclaimed police chief Kelli Perry, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots noted, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"
Roller bladers Against Trash spokesmodel Bonnie Quincy responded "we don't need no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Kirk's Record Atrium this weekend.