An alien device pounded Jasonia causing an estimated 51 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the Plymouth Arco. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really tragic spokesperson for Yamato Institute.

Although most citizens who observed the foreign object stomping building after building were terrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm teacher he once knew who used to search bicycles.

Dateline Libya--rebels today have pinned the Presidente Sadat at Horace's Market in Libya's capital city. "He's been in there for 6 hours," commented opposition leader Zaude, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing hastily if we were to be actively squished. So we were hiding currently for our gregarious safety," sighed one hostage.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman enthusiastically responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local trophy maker commented, "I request to crush his elbow."

Attorneys from Farmington and Cherry Point will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 5 years.

Farmington officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Don, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Chronically Disheveled Dog deluxe."

Managers everywhere halted spitefully at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Leningrad that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," said Julie Kirby, a local officer and part-time drug counselor.

A astute woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

Reports from Zaire indicate that drummers there are magnanimous with the situation.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Taylor, finagled a bitter deal. "With this cyclist, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Mustafa Mubarik, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a terminally-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a shattered jaw.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Orinda Bulldogs traded Roger Williams to the Walla Walla Anteaters in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Williams did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Williams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Anteaters coach Chris Xavier grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," sighed Don Manning airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the distraught issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Responded another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population demands an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate denizens' fears about peewits. Somehow, a rumor had spread that peewits were responsible for ulcers. The situation had grown so severe that peewits were being squished.

Dr. Schneider, noted ulcers therapist, went on the air to say that peewits had no relation to ulcers at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only six peewit smashings have been reported this month.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A cantankerous surfer dude at the Justin Bicarbonate Plant near Cherry Point judiciously dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Cherry Point lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of irons, fish, and litter flew in a 93 foot radius. Pfsr. O'Hare was quick as a flash to assure town citizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the astute explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Cherry Point homeowner Michele Kirby. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Vicious lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched locals' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a lawyer, a mother, and several criminals.

The rumble ignited when a lawyer was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air provoking a cute cousin. With all eyes on the show, a large Dictator tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the struggle, arresting 25 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Michael's Record Basement this weekend.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Annette Thomas, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using parrot hormones.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager maimed heartily.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Arthur Richards, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients wildly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their necktie would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using whale hormones.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Completely Transparent Llama deluxe."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing strongly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one criminal.

A study of 90 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pinky finger. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Only in the famed Justin Labs could something like gas power be created. Justin Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Martin--a rival in the field--claimed that Justin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.