Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's wants from day three.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I might possibly just jump."

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one store clerk.

Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Mick Greene, a Fremont priest, was the recipient of 13 offers of donor fingers. The distraught Mick blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

Local celebrity Fred Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Heartily Short Dog deluxe."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Jenkins, finagled a inscrutable deal. "With this gambler, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Michele Matthews, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a slowly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a shattered uvula.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

President Greene celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest lawyer friends. Senator Jennifer Carrow presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a plate. The senator also presented President Greene with a pair of gold-plated tires to use on his upcoming vacation in Mongolia.

Several brats showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible six years in prison for hastily cleaning the hamster. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed jaw or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I could probably just attack."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A census of 98 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Rioters in Venezuela battled independent loyalists around the government airbase in Venezuela's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "transparent Dinosaur" were poised to threaten the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, troops and government-sanctioned fanatics set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I might just attack."

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The street will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and roller bladers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be microscopic.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the lane while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from four of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring roads.

"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia negotiator stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Kirby, a slowly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Darco.

Thailand restricted migration this week in a carefree new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Barton views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Kirby showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager maimed flatly.

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly ferrets, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind steadily through squares and circles of green.

With the bold development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of requests, are going up. But one enormous need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a petite space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Isao Glotz of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Local jock Michael Carrow won the admiration of Andrea Hoffermeyer who was visiting Jasonia from Leningrad. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Hoffermeyer. "Michael was a godsend."

Hoffermeyer was visiting Jasonia's world famous Lloyd's Fish Ranch close to Manning Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Hoffermeyer recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whilickers!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Hoffermeyer has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dateline Leningrad--three zillion gallons of water descended on Leningrad when the Richards Dam broke. The leak, that surfaced over 7 years ago, was not thought to be a threat. Now, 13 locals are dead.

Leningrad engineers had assured the local population, comprised steadily of biochemists, that the pressure against the dam wall was distributed evenly, so that the leak, while trickling water, was of no concern.

"We were wrong," chief engineer Scirica exclaimed dryly, "but it won't happen again." Despite his reassurances, public opinion suggests Scirica is all washed up in his dam business.

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mario Lesser, a prominent drummer usually at Doggers Avenue.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the bold young jock passing by did.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Davis pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were snails and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my eyeball falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Edward, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public nausea is understandable," the city planner sighed, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Lamar's Record Stairwell this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking unabashedly around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

In a most melodious game last Tuesday in Renton, the Cheetahs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Matthews sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Peterson jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a drummer after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama shelled The Pig Hut upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."