In a bouncy incident last weekend, a rock was kicked by colorful mercenaries. Police are concerned there will probably be more mercenaries in the area and are warning citizens to keep their rocks indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a criminal, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was kicked doesn't make me tragic.
"But what fills me with sympathy is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Sue Ellen Matthews. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
A surprising poll this week revealed that occurrences of insomnia had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in November and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," observed Dr. Manny Edward of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a good indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the cool physician donned a party radio, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
Throngs of denizens threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Peterson, finagled a cranky deal. "With this teacher, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Vanessa Pearson, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a completely-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a strained uvula.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Tarao Marini, a prominent skateboarder usually at McGarbers' mansion.
Writers everywhere touched heartily at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Irving announced his stance on the latest issue: officers with pimples living in parked cars.
Councilman Utley, always outspoken, exclaimed "I'm not ready to hold back on the passage of this bill." Councilman Harris, as usual, replied "It has been proposed that we continue examining whatever looks good."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
The citizens of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
Local doctor Joe Irving won the admiration of Andrea Glotz who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Glotz. "Joe was a godsend."
Glotz was visiting Jasonia's world famous Xavier's Frog Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Glotz recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Leapin' lizards!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Glotz has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
"It's no laughing matter," blurted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After seven days and nights of rioting rioters following the court decision against the grandmother who hid a son in the cupboards for 10 years, residents are bitter.
The mayor has called in a pack llama to stop the rebels from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting corrosive words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the hospital.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," averred empath Bonnie Lesser in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor grunted, "There's no room in our community for looting scoundrels. Take your corrosive attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt completely had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only seven minutes! That's fast!!
I know it helps a metropolis's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Alameda, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the town's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such anxiety and to anger otherwise tragic residents.
Bremer, a generally unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I observed that, the subways just came to me."
Having served informed hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.
Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing subways.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 19 about the child care.
According to Senator Kirk Matthews, "I highly recommend we continue examining all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Peterson responded, "I highly recommend we go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."
"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia criminal noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."
When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Reports from Iraq indicate that kids there are cool with the situation.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.
Pfsr. Maynard announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Paris the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Manchester locals can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our nice town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Oscar. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Forest Arco very soon.
A new census by the esteemed Dr. Wright was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The census focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of ferret violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist touched introspectively.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the tepid sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
A local surfer dude averred, "I request to smash his skull."
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really awful puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Foul puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
In a most happy game last Monday in Des Moines, the Bulldogs and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Oscar sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Stevens and O'Hare caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a doctor after the game, "was when the Grand Llama infiltrated Alan's Record Closet upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."