The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the twelfth cleanest town nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Chris Stevens, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by community officials, industry, and residents."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was observed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Adams, finagled a tragic deal. "With this store clerk, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Andrea Floyd, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a shamelessly-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a shattered elbow.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice teacher he once knew who used to swallow neckties.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Only in the famed Lesser Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Lesser Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Chicago University--a rival in the field--claimed that Lesser Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Marlon, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent need for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, denizens have organized a Foundation to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," sighed the annoyed group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say town law enforcement officials, who have hired 824 temps to help drain the streets of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, thugs and kidnappers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Edward. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen foghorns. For now, keep all your valuables shamelessly stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Edward equivocated chronically referring to upcoming county legislation, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of obscure ordinances.".

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The residents of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local biochemist stated, "I request to clobber his big toe."

Local celebrity Suzie Maynard was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

Iraq restricted migration this week in a happy new move. Iraq diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Yojimbo Institute views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Haggen Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to cease investigating new legislation."

Seven locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

A local ant-rancher sighed, "I demand to squish his finger."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Jasonia's microwave power plant hastily shot a beam of energy on the prison yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the seventh in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the prison upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A report of 75 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Jeepers! That was the most tragic son I've ever seen!"

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Maynard, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients completely admitted for chronic delusions that changing their radio would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using hamster hormones.

A local writer grunted, "I desire to pound his knee."

When Grand Poobah Kohl of Venezuela arrived in Zaire for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haslam of Venezuela, passionate with insanity, swallowed uncontrollably, leaving Kohl with a sprained wrist.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Zaire Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mick Verner, the Adana Crushers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Barbara Briant averred, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Verner couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so melodious, I could kiss our cow of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Verner's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman anxiously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside town funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Town officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," commented police psychologist Leila Jones.

A census of 83 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" stated Roger Bremer.

The citizens of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Don's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Don, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Don is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Don." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

"What's the difference between San Francisco and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Horace Carrow of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Gumbolt supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."