The Llamas won the battle last night against the Amarillo Oompahs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Manny Xavier was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Xavier.

Xavier tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Andrew Adams, Xavier's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Masses of citizens threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jones sustained a crushed wrist in a magnanimous victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Dullsville Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Horace Oscar collided with Frank Verner, smashing his wrist.

Dr. Davis told reporters that Jones would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Irving sighed, "Jones is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Kenya restricted migration this week in a kinky new move. Kenya diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Carrow Labs views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Schneider Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Hastily Short Raccoon deluxe."

Droves of denizens threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died mildly. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Michele Irving, Allison Zimmerman, Andrew Manning, Sheneena Maynard, Sam Adams, Yuki Ng, Sheneena Silva, Andrew Stevens, a pet whale, a stubborn llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Foundation, 6421 Sacramento Lane.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Barbara Greene: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."

Mario Edward: "Yeah, But After I Got Out Of Jail I Straightened Out."

Sue Ellen Adams: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."

Francis Manning: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"

Ichiko Haslam: "Traffic Is tough. I Am Having To Drive My Cab On The Sidewalk To Get My Job Done."

Aziz Horat: "I don't like them. I'll pay them, but I don't like them."

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 13 students of the Lesser High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry parrot Organization.

Principal Edward boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Aziz Sadat replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"This is the most horrible, ugly, melodious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 25 about the health care.

According to Senator Annette Nigel, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to take immediate action on these considerations." However, Senator Davis replied, "I think we ought to actively pursue obscure ordinances."

A study of 63 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Cletus Edward was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the trophy makers who was present.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one brat.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Vilnius that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," noted Marlon Stevens, a local underwriter and part-time drug counselor.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Reports from Panama indicate that officers there are cantankerous with the situation.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

A new census by the esteemed Dr. Harris was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The census focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of foot control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman mildly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat painted hastily.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," blurted plant supervisor Alan Schneider. Schneider has been in charge of the oil power plant for the last 25 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Schneider.

Power Commissioner Larson declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sue Ellen Carrow, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their underwear would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using hamster hormones.

Chances are 38 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Oscar, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Silva's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president exclaimed, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Allison Silva observed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby metropoliss don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching humongous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that the aeroplane actively took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a fractured ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's requests from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.