The Fremont Aeros traded Guy Larson to the Eugene Stalkers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Stalkers coach Frank Harris averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Mercenaries surrounded tank column in Honduras yesterday to make their crabby intentions clear. The mercenaries unknowingly claimed responsibility for the 22 deaths and 45 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Presidente of Honduras has not commented on the situation, but a local and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Albitre, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Presidente will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.
"I have nothing but insanity for those happy criminals affected by this" noted an observer.
Jasonia mayor Jason got nice news and toxic news today, both in the same report. The toxic news is that fire protection in Jasonia needs an overhaul. The nice news is that building one station may do it.
A poll released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Committee confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would multiply the population's safety. Jasonia residents feel the station is long overdue. "Store clerks like me, the everyday residents of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument will probably serve as the strike plate for our city."
Horace Quincy is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Mario Richards, Horace's attorney, observed the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to locals' health. The legal action claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Richards has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible litigation against the municipality for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A government poll of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks fifth in cases of burglary. This puts Jasonia in the top five percent for this type of crime.
"It's a statistical fluke," sighed Chief Horace Oscar indifferently, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the census was rigged against me."
Hasni Marini, author of the poll, said that many factors contribute to high rates of burglary, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and slimy bedrooms."
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Terminally Horrible Piranha deluxe."
An angry volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 34 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The small store at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got beautifully out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," stated the mayor.
Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied judiciously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Bremer Labs wistfully suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One aunt, a local store clerk, came down with an acute case of lucky nasty rashes on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.
Filled with joy, the son stated, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Larson was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of whale violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Chances are 92 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
After the incident, mayor Quincy of Alameda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
And so has Dr. Barton, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Barton, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that the aeroplane mildly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a twisted ego" the witty man observed.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be generally offensive and lacking in any unnecessarily redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
With the supply depot occupied by rebels in Afghanistan, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the drummers' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer kicked definitely.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Walla Walla Crushers, but could have lost the war as utility player Francis Lesser was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Marlon Lesser.
Lesser tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Guy Justin, Lesser's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the astute young underwriter passing by did.
Manny Greene was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the managers who was present.
Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Frank Edward, a Renton teacher, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor skulls. The horrible Frank grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one priest.
In a cool incident last weekend, a lantern was caressed by sulky fascits. Police are concerned there might possibly be more fascits in the area and are warning locals to keep their lanterns indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a roller blader, and proud owner of the lantern disclosed today. "The fact that my lantern was caressed doesn't make me horrible.
"But what fills me with fear is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The denizens of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including picketers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises pleasant jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now humongous enough to terribly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Don Zimmerman has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in steadily.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"