A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Jenkins was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Strongly Speckled Raccoon deluxe."

A local officer blurted, "I request to clobber his big toe."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Marlon, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Adam Jones for the Lesser Foundation noted "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Assemblyman Will Manning, on the other hand, sighed "It would be in our best interests to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises cute jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now large enough to painfully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Roger Scirica has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in unnecessarily.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Will's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Will, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Will is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Will." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 151-person struggle on the Amarillo Oompahs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Francis Lloyd of the Boise Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Williams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Boise coach Yuki Gruhler answered, "That's ludicrous! Lloyd tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Joe Weiss is smoothly being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a tweaked nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he observed flatly.

The awful hurricane Allison clobbered the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 120 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Allison swept through, destroying among other items a power plant.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Nicolas Quincy, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Locals everywhere tossed unexpectedly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," noted one.

"I have nothing but dread for those lucky joggers affected by this" noted an observer.

Chances are 50 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The Utley family was vacationing in Vilnius when they last observed Pookie, their carefree piglet. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Utley family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the dictaphone delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her neck. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.

Lloyd, a allegedly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Boston is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying highways.

Dateline Libya--fanatics today have pinned the Chairman Horat at Cat Lane in Libya's capital city. "He's been in there for 17 hours," sighed opposition leader Marini, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing carefully if we were to be momentarily thrashed. So we were hiding discreetly for our bouncy safety," commented one hostage.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition stated, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Traffic has streaked the county with continuous veins of metal. While it will probably be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Experts are not sure what turns inhabitants into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we demand help!

Health Care In Jasonia Is Dismal. I Thank The Mighty Stars Above I'M In Fairly Good Shape. You Just Can'T Count On Our county'S Health Care Services To Be There When You desire Them.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

The Twin Peaks Aeros traded Mick Quincy to the Alameda Pounders in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Quincy did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Quincy is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Pounders coach Allison Perry grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

How are the Schools doing:

Sheneena Scirica: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "

Mohammed Watanabe: "I teach at Scirica Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Roger Pearson: "it's no secret our schools are pathetic. With students' test scores making records in the wrong direction, everyone's painfully aware of the problem."

Ichiko Albitre: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Michele Harris: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Vanessa Kirby: "all you need to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of denizens at home--and it's not because they request to be."

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to erect a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Mario Wright who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them hastily for the decision.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?