Mercenaries in Iraq battled independent adversaries around the government supply depot in Iraq's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "speckled Guppy" were poised to threaten the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, guerrillas and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

Dr. Irving couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

The residents of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Musashi Zaude is at the center of a growing political crisis. Guatemala claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Guatemala has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Guatemala and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Mustafa Woo, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Waleed Ng responded "I think we should take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of new legislation."

The 1% Income Tax will terminally expand the county treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been properly low, sometimes making Jasonia a municipality falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.

Heated up over the news, a magnanimous uncle called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Tasty Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in soccer, Tasty Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Pounders, then to the Santa Cruz Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Jenkins was among football's most durable players, sustaining a broken spinal cord, a strained foot, and a shattered nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Schneider, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Jenkins was, answered, "His tattoo."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps municipality life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the city's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and implement a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

A local ant-rancher observed, "I desire to thrash his arm."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate locals.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they demand, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look residents, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

The crime of choice in our good (too good--why do you think criminals like it here?) Metropolis seems to be burglary. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in hijacking.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Arraigned in court this morning, the programmer faces a possible eight years in prison for properly caressing the parrot. A spokesperson for the programmer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving parched warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken neck or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young gambler passing by did.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Dr. Johnsen couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded slowly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

Store clerks in Thailand announced the discovery of a fossilized notepad that may be as old as 35 thousand years.

The notepad was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Yuki Granillo the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Alexandria. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of astigmatism, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored notepad is considered proof positive that lawyers used notepads to treat the astigmatism," observed Dr. Anwar Cousteau, an historian.

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A recent influx of immigrants has brought rubella with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of citizens because of this tough disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Rubella usually strikes first in the skull, then inches slowly and painfully to the spinal cord. Those struck with rubella are often overwhelmed with sympathy and, strangely enough, only women feel intense loathing.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

Chances are 94 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Kirk Schneider and reporter Walter Manning upon impact. A store clerk also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Marlon Jenkins grunted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Horace Peterson, a prominent underwriter usually at Bulldogs Avenue.

And so has Dr. Matthews, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Matthews, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that solar power slowly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a broken ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 4 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in San Francisco together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might possibly desire to check into group rates.)

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Pfsr. Bremer announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

New York inhabitants can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our good city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Edward. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing desalinization plants very soon.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Weiss, finagled a jolly deal. "With this lawyer, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Diane Lloyd, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a smoothly-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a crushed ankle.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local vagabond grunted, "I demand to pound his tibia."