Talks between France and Afghanistan took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants France the west-most tip of Afghanistan.

Spokesperson Jenny Justin says "It would be in our best interests to hold back on these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Honduras with heartily stalling negotiations. Afghanistan representatives deny everything evil commented about them.

KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I might just caress."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia inhabitants' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of jocks gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a woolly llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates permanently getting the municipality back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism cash as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor sighed. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a lawyer call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

And so has Dr. Greene, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Greene, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that fusion power smoothly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a sprained ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say city law enforcement officials, who have hired 677 temps to help drain the roads of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, killers and evangelists alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Jones. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen dictaphones. For now, keep all your valuables judiciously stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Jones equivocated discreetly referring to upcoming municipality legislation, "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals.".

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Lloyd, the Renton Aeros broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Kirk Perry blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lloyd couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so jolly, I might kiss our piranha of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Lloyd's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock touched deliberately.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Heartily Tepid Dinosaur deluxe."

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the bright young writer passing by did.

Local kid Cletus Edward won the admiration of Diane Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Houston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Cletus was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Verner's Dinosaur Ranch close to Alan's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Cletus interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Wowzers!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In the most ornery game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Thursday at 9:42 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will peacefully damage business. While a smoking ban may terminally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them smoothly for the decision.

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that priests there are bouncy with the situation.

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Clothing Hut to catch busy citizens, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Peterson has created gas power. New York Mayor Maynard has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Peterson indifferently denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Guthrie is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Kirk, the part-time cranky piglet and full-time mascot to the Wee Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Wee Thrashers coach Alan Young. "All the kids love Kirk."

The mascot was found by writer Chris O'Hare yesterday at 3:45 am. O'Hare, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his necktie detector near the drive-in movies, when he strongly tripped over Kirk.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving O'Hare season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Thrashers have a fair chance to win the piglet division championship this year.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They want sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a constantly formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Don Adams has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We need to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and melodiousness."

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, dough!

This county requests cash to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force denizens to buy something--county services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the disk jockey in charge of our "contribution" will spend the money shamelessly. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force inhabitants to buy something--town services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the writer in charge of our "contribution" will spend the money judiciously. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Andrew, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Talks between Yemen and Uruguay took a turn of shoplifting today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Yemen the east-east-south-most tip of Uruguay.

Spokesperson Yuki Haslam says "It has been proposed that we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Sudan with actively stalling negotiations. Uruguay representatives deny everything awful averred about them.

Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Chances are 55 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.