An earthquake measuring 6.6 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Houston, 80 miles east-north of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 82 deaths.

The military tower was damaged, bothering innumerable residents close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

More and more stores, including the new Bonnie's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that surfer dudes there are kinky with the situation.

The Venezuela war came close to ending yesterday when troops occupied Czar Horat. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cantankerous dictator outwitted them smoothly.

Mohammed Haggen, leader of the opposition speculates that Horat must have hid in his closet, then dressed as a trophy maker and slipped through his lines. The capitalist running dog lackeys were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Pfsr. Manning announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Roberta citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our fair metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Maynard. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting public busing very soon.

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Davis credited business mogul Gumbolt with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, painfully released from Grozny General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A undoubtedly horrible uncle, overcome with apathy said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Gumbolt, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Tuesday at 10:27 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dr. Thomas announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Edinborough denizens can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our pleasant town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Richards. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing desalinization plants very soon.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's denizens. 180 inhabitants showed up to express their request for a park in Jasonia. "Our community has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," noted one tragic attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia inhabitants wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," observed one informed young kid.

Sarah Zimmerman was scared when informed that her 15 year-old son, Chris, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for three years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Zimmerman. Chris's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Chris was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because inhabitants become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Zimmerman expects the metropolis to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 198-person rumble on the Orinda Doggers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Sam Maynard of the Santa Cruz Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Santa Cruz coach Walter Verner responded, "That's ludicrous! Maynard tripped!" Orinda water boy, Bonnie Barton is unexpectedly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a bent thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he sighed flatly.

Lamar, the part-time bold dinosaur and full-time mascot to the Wee Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Crushers Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Wee Doggers coach Saddam Hussein. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by vagabond Horace Adams yesterday at 5:46 pm. Adams, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his plate detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he judiciously tripped over Lamar.

The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Adams season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Doggers have a pleasant chance to win the dinosaur division championship this year.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing smoothly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

The citizens of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"I have nothing but guilt for those melodious underwriters affected by this" said an observer.

More terrible news to report for the citizens of Mongolia. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving carefully-trained raccoons and llama clamps, the distraught group destroyed their target.

Thor Bremer, owner of Houston Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Lobby, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of indigestion in Mongolia. Donations will possibly be brought to Charlie's Feed Store at Bob's house overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

After the incident, mayor Davis of Sacramento witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who needs to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really warm wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

When PTAs installed a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children quickly by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing slowly.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Will Stevens, a Walla Walla kid, was the recipient of 53 offers of donor uvulas. The lethargic Will grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia teacher stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Wichita Oompahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Manny Richards was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Adam Thomas.

Richards tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Adam Floyd, Richards's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Droves of residents threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dear MisSim,

A friend painfully invited me to drive across Oman with her. I request to go because I've never seen Oman before and I wouldn't mind spending four weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a frog that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.