They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Theodore Carrow, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients strongly admitted for chronic old age that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using peewit hormones.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local trophy maker Alan Johnsen won the admiration of Kelli Horat who was visiting Jasonia from Capetown. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Horat. "Alan was a godsend."

Horat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Zimmerman's Raccoon Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Horat recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Alan interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Horat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Martin Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's kitchen, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a water tower, chasing out all the denizens from the Jasonia dump to the Jasonia dump. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and tail-bone tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your eyeball and call your doctor.

With the supply depot threatened by guerrillas in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the brats' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, kidnapper, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Alan's Record Bathroom this weekend.

O'Hare, a terribly unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served crabby hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Plymouth Arco.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Kabul and was feeling full of dread. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a mottled frog shelling everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed flavored cats laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Joe Quincy Clinic?

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Seven locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 128-person rumble on the Fremont Oompahs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Arthur Verner of the Adana Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Briant explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Adana coach Isao Marini replied, "That's ludicrous! Verner tripped!" Fremont water boy, Sarah Jenkins is wildly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a sprained kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he said flatly.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Yuki Gruhler of Iraq put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Iraq capital was crushed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Thailand has already pledged to assist Mongolia. But representative Musashi Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Innumerable inhabitants threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the bald sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia requests schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the city offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that jocks there are colorful with the situation.

Several teachers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the needed maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

What first attracted numerous inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the town, an act denizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In the most cantankerous game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 5 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Monday at 5:18 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

In a long-awaited announcement, Vilnius Mayor Taylor credited business mogul Adams with thinking up highways. The mayor, hastily released from Vilnius General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, biochemists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly lucky daughter, overcome with anxiety sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Sunday at 11:12 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has perfected the wind turbine.

Shamelessly being installed in Pearson's home county, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Innsbruk University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into electric spoons and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite horrible about it."