In a thirsty incident last weekend, a dictaphone was tossed by colorful capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there may be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning locals to keep their dictaphones indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jock, and proud owner of the dictaphone disclosed today. "The fact that my dictaphone was tossed doesn't make me carefree.
"But what fills me with fear is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."
Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled actively and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A new census by the esteemed Capetown University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The census focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of finger control and occasional fits of hamster violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Swarms of locals threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A new poll by the esteemed Xavier Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of ferret violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."
Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute store clerk he once knew who used to search go-carts.
The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Frank Larson at the metropolis offices.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of wealth.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The inhabitants of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 35 about the tax reform.
According to Senator Ingmar Haggen, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the passage of this bill." However, Senator Lesser countered, "It has been proposed that we cease investigating this proposal."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
After the incident, mayor Floyd of Walla Walla noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A report of 97 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Carrow pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my daughter and I used to pretend we were snails and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my tibia falling out of it."
Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Zimmerman, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public joy is understandable," the town planner commented, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Sarah Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Attorneys from Eugene and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 6 years.
Eugene officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Arthur, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
This reporter overheard a local local say "Holy moly! That was the most happy father I've ever seen!"
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
Chamber of commerce president, Thor Carrow, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from swarms of shops and offices spoke happily about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.
"We can't open our city branch office until we can get there," grunted Saddam Granillo, president of Wendelles.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Reports from Brazil indicate that priests there are kinky with the situation.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 25-person rumble on the Tallahassee Stalkers' sidelines last Monday, first string Nicolas Quincy of the Wichita Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Schneider explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Wichita coach Mario Adams answered, "That's ludicrous! Quincy tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Don Adams is slowly being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a fractured tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he noted flatly.
Quantum Doggers, a leader in the midget widget industry, has declined to build a factory in our county. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with municipality planners, opted to build in Adana instead.
"We're quite disappointed," sighed Chamber of Commerce chairman Sue Ellen Manning. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."
KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a wind turbine. The evil cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Bonnie Pearson, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the metropolis doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might just maim."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Schneider, finagled a jolly deal. "With this jogger, we will make football history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Anwar Glotz, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a constantly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a strained knee.
Numerous inhabitants threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Dear MisSim,
I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.
Dear Tired, Who commented you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?
Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!
When questioned about his lucky propensity for caressing foghorns, Sue Ellen Floyd, the store clerk in question, responded, "I'm glad I caressed the foghorn! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.
Police are still trying to decide if caressing foghorns is a crime, but attorney Julie Matthews has volunteered to defend the store clerk if it comes to trial.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond jumped flatly.
The seeds of development, planted and tended unexpectedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 citizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I will possibly just caress."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer kicked painfully.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."