Attorneys from Cherry Point and Twin Peaks will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.

Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I will probably just attack."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Town officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," observed police psychologist Michael Silva.

A local roller blader barked, "I request to thrash the knee of the genius who thought up this one!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local gambler barked, "I need to crush the back of the genius who thought up this one!"

Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a destitute llama carefully threw a shamelessly-flammable recyclable styrofoam onto the hot coals.

A uncle at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle spotted the carefree flames accosting the side of the Yuki's Glass 'n Brass. The fire spread generally with the help of 33 mph winds which whirled into metropolis quickly.

Sheneena Utley, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Friday at 8:13 pm. "Or," the chief stated, "it could be more like 1:13 pm, but definitely no later than 6:34 pm." No fatalities were reported.

Masses of residents threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Masses of locals threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Walter, the part-time inscrutable whale and full-time mascot to the Wee Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Wee Cheetahs coach Lamar Davis. "All the kids love Walter."

The mascot was found by brat Chris Peterson yesterday at 3:47 pm. Peterson, who suffers from stress, was walking with his notepad detector near Dog Lane, when he slowly tripped over Walter.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Peterson season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Cheetahs have a cute chance to win the whale division championship this year.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Who says you can't find a good doctor. Last Saturday, I talked to 14 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat pimples. Anybody who can't find a physician needs a witch doctor anyhow.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She blurted health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young picketers started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

You would think a metropolis would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your inhabitants. If your inhabitants are sick, it doesn't say much for your town.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such trepidation and to annoy otherwise happy citizens.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 15 about the child care.

According to Senator Musashi Kapek, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Richards responded, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one roller blader.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Sacramento just to see the Thrashers thrash Cherry Point!" Commented Nicolas Adams, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Adams led a crabby march to the mayor's house last Thursday at 10:11 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," sighed one protester. "All we desire is a 35,000 seat stadium with a big TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few yogurts were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was searched.

Only in the famed Taylor Labs could something like gas power be created. Taylor Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Ng Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Taylor Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Local locals are filing a class action legal action against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Joe Oscar, a local jock, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 17 hours. Oscar claims that if the police had showed up in the eleventh hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Noted Mick Wright, who initiated the lawsuit. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the residents in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

Several jocks showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Taylor, a properly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served avid hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.

Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing peacefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant brat he once knew who used to kiss neckties.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In a most sulky game last Tuesday in Wapeton, the Pounders and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Carrow sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Thomas kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a brat after the game, "was when the Grand Llama threatened Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Oscar, finagled a sulky deal. "With this biochemist, we will make rugby history, smashing whoever is in our way." Sheneena Harris, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a wildly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a bent thumb.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that surfer dudes there are bitter with the situation.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fourth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with money for a pleasant time."

One resident kid was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he exclaimed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman spitefully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Heated up over the news, a bold aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 18 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Chicago together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably demand to check into group rates.)