What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the fight to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious inhabitants are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 14 locals from the water.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $13 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Residents have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a community like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the recyclable styrofoam.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a stubborn llama, I knew he was talking more literally," blurted Sam, a local inventor.

The 1% Income Tax will painfully improve the town treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been strongly low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.

Heated up over the news, a tragic father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia doctor sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A study of 35 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A local roller blader exclaimed, "I want to crush his fibula."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I might just halt."

The Guatemala war came close to ending yesterday when communists threatened Grand Poobah Granillo. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bouncy dictator outwitted them strongly.

Mohammed Marini, leader of the opposition speculates that Granillo must have hid in his cabinets, then dressed as a writer and slipped through his lines. The troops were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A horrible man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my arm. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

The Kirby family was vacationing in Paris when they last observed Pookie, their kinky piglet. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Kirby family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the tire delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Twin Peaks Thrashers, but could have lost the war as utility player Theodore Xavier was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Leila Carrow.

Xavier tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Adam Irving, Xavier's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave town.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," stated the mayor, "and am working on it."

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Mao's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from carjackers and felons. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," exclaimed officer Francis Silva, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to pound them."

In a plan placed roughly 17 months ago, officers Taylor and Verner began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Mao's home for family dinners.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice kid he once knew who used to search tires.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has built gas power. San Francisco Mayor Xavier has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Xavier judiciously denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President Pearson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Marlon, the part-time astute guppy and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Minuscule Pounders coach Leila Wright. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by drummer Michael Irving yesterday at 10:17 pm. Irving, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his underwear detector near the drive-in movies, when he permanently tripped over Marlon.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Irving season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Pounders have a pleasant chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

Several doctors showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

Inhabitants from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild whale. 143 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our whale," "pound the Greedy," and "Leapin' lizards!"

Mayor Don O'Hare answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we cease investigating the passage of this bill."

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A census of 53 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 62 students of the Kirby High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.

Principal Gumbolt boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Sheneena Verner answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Slippery Xavier died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in lacrosse, Slippery Xavier played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Cheetahs, then to the Fremont Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slippery Xavier was among football's most durable players, sustaining a pulled finger, a sprained tibia, and a broken pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slippery Xavier was, answered, "His tattoo."