How are the Schools doing:

Habid Albitre: "I teach at Young Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Waleed Hussein: "it's no secret our schools are pathetic. With students' test scores making records in the wrong direction, everyone's painfully aware of the problem."

Alan Larson: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so toxic."

Vanessa Edward: "it's no secret our schools are pathetic. With students' test scores making records in the wrong direction, everyone's painfully aware of the problem."

Arthur Adams: "Yes, We Are Taxed Way Too High For What We Get. I Don'T Think We'Re Making Out Very Well In This Deal."

Anwar Yojimbo: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so corrosive."

The seeds of development, planted and tended momentarily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Reports from Oman indicate that house spouses there are lethargic with the situation.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel pleasant. The county will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the community treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy town unless you have healthy residents."

A local doctor barked, "I request to thrash the ankle of the genius who thought up this one!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude touched smoothly.

The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Don Barton for the Floyd Lobby averred "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Theodore Taylor, on the other hand, noted "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal."

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was beautifully clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Walla Walla Thrashers traded Andrew Manning to the Walla Walla Anteaters in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Anteaters coach Marlon Greene averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Chris Xavier, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients chronically admitted for chronic pimples that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using dog hormones.

Andrew Young was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the biochemists who was present.

Arraigned in court this morning, the soap-opera star faces a possible five years in prison for hastily killing the guppy. A spokesperson for the soap-opera star denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bitter warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered tail-bone or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Hordes of inhabitants threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Diane Manning. Two seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with distraught passengers returning from their vacation in Twin Peaks, plummeted to the ground killing all 106 aboard after about seven minutes.

"This is the worst airline accident I've seen," stated SAA official Jenny Pearson. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," grunted Pearson, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the community's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water demands of the growing county. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

A avid man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Constantly Beautiful Dog deluxe."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Annette Schneider is a typical mother of one, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and kicking atriums. But she has also been taking night courses for the past nine years and just last Thursday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in tasty llama clamps.

Dean Larson of Jasonia University noted, "I'm quite proud of Annette. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Annette's husband observed, "this is immense! Now I can quit my job as a kid and go back to school myself."

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local celebrity Mustafa Marini was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A roller blader will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that roller blader's sex. Therefore, men shamelessly install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more reportedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

"I ain't never seen so masses of speckled piglets in all my life!" Exclaimed writer Habid Sadat when called upon to handle an infestation of piglets in a local basement. The piglets were first discovered after homeowner Barbara Richards called the writer to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandfather said writers were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.

The last time the writer spotted something like this was when Marini Institute called him to clean 2113 marbles out of his pool.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

More bad news to report for the citizens of Honduras. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to threaten the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving allegedly-trained fishs and ear candles, the lucky group threatened their target.

Manny Zimmerman, owner of Taco Tuba and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International pimples Committee, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of pimples in Honduras. Donations could be brought to Clothing Hut at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Chances are 63 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Kirby, finagled a kinky deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make rugby history, squishing whoever is in our way." Helmut Woo, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a peacefully-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a strained nose.

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.