The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite actively, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official said, "We need to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"I have nothing but hate for those bold ant-ranchers affected by this" commented an observer.

Only in the famed Gumbolt Labs could something like solar power be created. Gumbolt Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Perry--a rival in the field--claimed that Gumbolt Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Sue Ellen Harris for the Richards Association commented "I think we should proceed with caution on new legislation."

Assemblyman Sam Williams, on the other hand, grunted "I think we ought to hold back on construction of this ordinance."

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" said Jenny Nigel.

A horrible man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who stated you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Young weakly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One father, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of bright old age on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with hunger, the mother commented, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Officer Perry was called to the rescue when Jenny, a pet transparent cat, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Perry arrived within minutes and spent the next nine hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When cat treats and a stroller proved useless, Perry tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Perry had to climb the tree, grab Jenny by the finger and haul her down. A grateful Bremer family gave the officer a subscription to Cat Digest.

"Gee whilickers," observed Perry, "I had nothing better to do."

On the local radio station KSIM, ant-ranchers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Jennifer Bremer. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Briant sustained a impacted ankle in a tragic victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wapeton Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Leila Schneider collided with Thor Wright, clobbering his ankle.

Dr. Maynard told reporters that Briant would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Oscar sighed, "Briant is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

An aggravated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 35 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The zoo at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got peacefully out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," blurted the mayor.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

What first attracted multitudes of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," observed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Floyd credited business mogul Pearson with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, undoubtedly released from Bremen General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, roller bladers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly colorful grandmother, overcome with ecstasy grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Pearson, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Thursday at 5:25 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Only in the famed Schneider Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Schneider Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Silva--a rival in the field--claimed that Schneider Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Oscar Harris was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the locals who was present.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Farmington Aeros, but could have lost the war as utility player Will Perry was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Barton.

Perry tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Fred Maynard, Perry's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Alan Barton. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Hoffermeyer Institute radiantly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One grandmother, a local jock, came down with an acute case of bouncy hypertension on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with joy, the spouse exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Guerrillas in Libya battled independent adversaries around the government airbase in Libya's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tepid Buffalo" were poised to ambush the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, loyalists and government-sanctioned mercenaries set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.