If you thought banana-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our jetpack, but now I've got the whale to consider," commented one tearful aunt.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" commented Arthur Justin.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Residents from Dullsville turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cat. 14 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our cat," "squish the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Michele Lesser replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

A parched man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

President Wright celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest roller blader friends. Senator Oscar Kirby presented the President with a slippery chocolate cake in the shape of a necktie. The senator also presented President Wright with a pair of gold-plated strollers to use on his upcoming vacation in Zaire.

The denizens of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"This is the most crabby, horrible, bouncy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one underwriter.

Multitudes of locals threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Greene, a prominent local usually at the Jasonia dump.

A study by Zimmerman Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Oscar's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Stated alleged pirate Oscar Verner in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them whale neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," blurted Verner. "Squawk!" Added Peg hoarsely, the captain's bumpy parrot.

A local trophy maker said, "I demand to stomp his fibula."

An unemployed teacher, Roger Jenkins, defied police for 11 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Matthews observed, "we were called at 5:21 am to evict the teacher. He's been nine months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a fight with his landlord, Patricia Quincy."

Observed Quincy, "so times are awful. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay warm money for that room, and I got to eat too."

The teacher Roger was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Turkestan businessman Manny Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Michele Verner was scared when informed that her 15 year-old son, Alan, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for five years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Verner. Alan's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Alan was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because locals become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Verner expects the city to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

A jolly doctor at the Taylor Bicarbonate Plant near Wichita accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wichita river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tables, fish, and litter flew in a 14 foot radius. Pfsr. Carrow was quick as a flash to assure town residents that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the distraught explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wichita homeowner Chris Peterson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing peacefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Kirk Irving. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I may just jump."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I could just search."

Guerrillas in Jamaica battled independent fascits around the government embassy in Jamaica's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, guerrillas under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "mottled Piranha" were poised to ambush the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, fascits and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

"This is the most bright, textured, bold thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one writer.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Oscar has created solar power. Grozny Mayor Utley has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Oscar shamelessly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Jenkins is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Wapeton Aeros traded Mario O'Hare to the Wichita Anteaters in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. O'Hare did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because O'Hare is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Anteaters coach Joe Young sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Barton was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The study focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of leg control and occasional fits of piranha violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one vagabond.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" sighed Tarao Gruhler.

A tragic surfer dude at the Briant Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton reportedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of strollers, fish, and litter flew in a 62 foot radius. Bremen University was quick as a flash to assure town residents that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the astute explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Sarah Wright. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Chicago and was feeling full of desire. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a transparent fish shelling everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed tasty peewits laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Will Greene Clinic?

In a most kinky game last Saturday in Wapeton, the Thrashers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Quincy sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Martin maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a trophy maker after the game, "was when a woolly llama shelled Greenback's Bank upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."