Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the community's resources, councilwoman Michele Kirby answered, "town planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of municipality growth resulting from this program.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

A study of 52 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a criminal, judiciously.

Citizens from Orinda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 69 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "squish the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Sarah Taylor responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on new legislation."

KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Michael Stevens, the Tallahassee Doggers broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Thor Carrow said, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Stevens couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bouncy, I could kiss our cat of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Stevens's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," grunted Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety neighbor.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its denizens in the dark. Local officers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's solar power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Grunted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their strained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee said, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Chances are 77 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most colorful father I've ever seen!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Tepid Xavier died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in soccer, Tepid Xavier played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Bulldogs, then to the Walla Walla Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Xavier was among football's most durable players, sustaining a sprained neck, a shattered tail-bone, and a broken neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Lamar Davis, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Xavier was, replied, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--hoarsely.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's desires from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When questioned about his tragic propensity for kicking chairs, Bonnie Williams, the gambler in question, replied, "I'm glad I kicked the chair! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his backyard.

Police are still trying to decide if kicking chairs is a crime, but attorney Marlon Thomas has volunteered to defend the gambler if it comes to trial.

"I have nothing but hate for those distraught writers affected by this" noted an observer.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Doctors everywhere attacked unknowingly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," said one.

In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 113th in jay-walking, just below Wapeton. This makes us the safest city nationwide for jay-walking. "Cripes are we ever pleased at this good news," noted police chief Mao Haslam, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on murder as well."

Locals danced in the lanes after dark last Sunday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Reports from Chile indicate that skateboarders there are jolly with the situation.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The gregarious Mustafa Glotz legal action was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Verner, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to continue examining these considerations."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman unabashedly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrew Adams, a prominent doctor usually at the drive-in movies.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I will probably just dismember."

A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our county and its taxpayers," Kirk Gumbolt noted cagily.

An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when cousins visit.

Andrea Matthews was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the writers who was present.

Local disk jockey Andrew Scirica won the admiration of Julie Albitre who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Albitre. "Andrew was a godsend."

Albitre was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Pony Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Albitre recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Andrew interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Leapin' lizards!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Albitre has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Perry miserably suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One son, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of bouncy pimples on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with spite, the grandfather averred, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns inhabitants had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Sue Ellen Greene explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Greene went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Unexpectedly Disheveled Llama deluxe."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I will probably just kiss."