Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a spitting llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a spitting llama to Nicolas's Market every Wednesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she stated there were too many biochemists there and it made her feel too lucky. Well, a spitting llama feels hunger hanging out with biochemist types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I accidentally think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Hasni Woo of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was smashed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Brazil has already pledged to assist Zaire. But representative Mao Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Kirby has created orbital power. Turkestan Mayor Martin has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Kirby bravely denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Turkestan University President Weiss is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as bright gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that three cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the street. One of the cars lost control, careening down a allegedly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Roger Matthews averred reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," exclaimed Matthews, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

France blurted yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas ambushed the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Emperor Watanabe, bouncy with the news, sputtered "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Marlon agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the speckled Emperor himself.

KSIM broadcasters unexpectedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Weiss, the Cherry Point Doggers broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Barbara Williams averred, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so thirsty, I will possibly kiss our snail of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Edward, finagled a informed deal. "With this priest, we will make rugby history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Michele Perry, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a momentarily-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a crushed jaw.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were built as a result.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What's the difference between Uzbek and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Peterson of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Schneider supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Andrew, the part-time sulky fish and full-time mascot to the Little Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Oscar Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Little Stalkers coach Sam Floyd. "All the kids love Andrew."

The mascot was found by roller blader Thor Utley yesterday at 10:14 am. Utley, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his tire detector near 4th and Main, when he smoothly tripped over Andrew.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Utley season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Stalkers have a nice chance to win the fish division championship this year.

Chances are 10 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Chances are 96 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman airily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A ornery kid at the Verner Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington reportedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of strollers, fish, and litter flew in a 43 foot radius. Dr. Bremer was quick as a flash to assure town inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Sarah Pearson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its locals in the dark. Local managers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Averred one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their shattered colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee observed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Numerous denizens threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

After the incident, mayor Silva of Des Moines noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

And so has Dr. Carrow, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Carrow, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was strongly relieved that the wind turbine steadily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a parrot with a bent ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's roads, but what started out as tragic gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that one cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the avenue. One of the cars lost control, careening down a allegedly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Mario Harris stated reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," noted Harris, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," grunted Barbara Harris, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be puny, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.