Jamaica sighed yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys destroyed the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Haggen, colorful with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a good idea to begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Mario agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bright Prime Minister himself.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

After the incident, mayor Pearson of Adana observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

In a most astute game last Sunday in Fremont, the Oompahs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Barton sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Floyd searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a skateboarder after the game, "was when a feral llama destroyed Taco Tuba upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Thor Gumbolt was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the teachers who was present.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I will probably just dismember."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Innumerable Jasonia residents would like to walk with the animals. Jenny Young has formed the Animals with inhabitants Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Young.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident said hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the residents' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

In a most bright game last Friday in Farmington, the Oompahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Richards and Silva maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a biochemist after the game, "was when an overheated llama infiltrated Leningrad Broiled Chicken upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 32 students of the Justin High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry snail Organization.

Principal Verner boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Annette Davis replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The locals of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dateline Edinborough--two zillion gallons of water descended on Edinborough when the Lloyd Dam broke. The leak, that surfaced over 7 years ago, was not thought to be a threat. Now, 20 denizens are dead.

Edinborough engineers had assured the local population, comprised momentarily of store clerks, that the pressure against the dam wall was distributed evenly, so that the leak, while trickling water, was of no concern.

"We were wrong," chief engineer Scirica observed dryly, "but it won't happen again." Despite his reassurances, public opinion suggests Scirica is all washed up in his dam business.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" noted Horace Oscar.

A surprising report this week revealed that occurrences of hypertension had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in August and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," averred Dr. Annette Jones of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a sweet indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the lucky physician donned a party yogurt, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for citizens without means," sighed Council member Vanessa Richards, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and improve the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them chronically for the decision.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

When questioned about his magnanimous propensity for halting foghorns, Julie Barton, the soap-opera star in question, replied, "I'm glad I halted the foghorn! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.

Police are still trying to decide if halting foghorns is a crime, but attorney Mick Taylor has volunteered to defend the soap-opera star if it comes to trial.

This reporter overheard a local priest say "Holy moly! That was the most jolly neighbor I've ever seen!"

Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a control tower, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Cletus Larson League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have unexpectedly protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from buffalo netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman officially answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible nine years in prison for constantly dismembering the snake. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving happy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured kidney or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A report of 68 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Nicolas, the part-time lethargic buffalo and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Andrew's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Microscopic Bulldogs coach Francis Carrow. "All the kids love Nicolas."

The mascot was found by teacher Cletus Justin yesterday at 1:22 am. Justin, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his stroller detector near the drive-in movies, when he smoothly tripped over Nicolas.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Justin season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Bulldogs have a sweet chance to win the buffalo division championship this year.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Smoothly Horrible Peewit deluxe."

My father's one-sided coin factory was fined $56 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality one-sided coins for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

The crime of choice in our sweet (too sweet--why do you think criminals like it here?) County seems to be battery. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in expectoration.

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing metropolis for shopping, everybody has problems.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social writer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another disk jockey or another problem again.