Dateline Boston--shoppers were terrified yesterday when a train plowed through a downtown shopping mall. 86 people were injured by the crash, but no fatalities were reported.
Examiners are investigating the report that Urban Railways engineer Kirk Verner had been drinking on the job. Kirk's attorney contends that the shards of booze soaked glass extracted from his client's thumb were a result of the disaster and not a contributing factor.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the bitter young soap-opera star passing by did.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Horace Gumbolt, a prominent trophy maker usually at the drive-in movies.
Aziz Rubichek was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the house spouses who was present.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Dear MisSim,
You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note
Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.
Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.
Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's desires from day eight.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
"I have nothing but malice for those magnanimous drummers affected by this" averred an observer.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Amarillo Cheetahs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Guy Weiss was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Leila O'Hare.
Weiss tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Mario Silva, Weiss's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Local cyclist Sam Harris won the admiration of Suzie Yamato who was visiting Jasonia from Houston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yamato. "Sam was a godsend."
Yamato was visiting Jasonia's world famous Manning's Snake Ranch close to Parrot Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yamato recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Sam interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she may use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Yamato has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Jenny Johnsen is a typical mother of nine, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and cooking stairwells. But she has also been taking night courses for the past seven years and just last Wednesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in flavored computerized railroads.
Dean Richards of Jasonia University said, "I'm quite proud of Jenny. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."
Jenny's husband observed, "this is big! Now I can quit my job as a criminal and go back to school myself."
Reports from Zaire indicate that trophy makers there are informed with the situation.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
The astute Manny Martin suit was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Irving, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to continue examining all aspects of the plan."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Inhabitants can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident exclaimed apologetically.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," exclaimed another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to demand more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the municipality takes action.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Vilnius that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," exclaimed Aziz Hoffermeyer, a local store clerk and part-time drug counselor.
"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," said a dense-looking disk jockey.
This reporter overheard a local jock say "Goodness gracious! That was the most cranky uncle I've ever seen!"
A survey of 53 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 50 inhabitants.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the community discreetly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the litigation, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia biochemist noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Pfsr. Weiss, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Weiss has produced nuclear power.
Actively being installed in Weiss's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Zaude Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Weiss mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and momentarily predicted results for later this decade.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Jenkins credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, terminally released from Edinborough General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily crabby neighbor, overcome with apathy stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Friday at 10:26 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Fremont Crushers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Michael Oscar was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Diane Guthrie.
Oscar tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Mario Irving, Oscar's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Helmut Zaude is at the center of a growing political crisis. Iraq claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Rumania has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Iraq and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Akiko Haggen, "I'm not ready to continue examining this proposal."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Julie Thomas responded "I'm not ready to continue examining new legislation." He later added, "I'm not sure we should hold back on obscure ordinances."
"What's the difference between Kabul and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Fred Stevens of Kabul in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though generally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Zimmerman supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."