Who says you can't find a nice doctor. Last Thursday, I talked to 13 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat pimples. Anybody who can't find a physician demands a witch doctor anyhow.
How can Jasonia have the greenery you all request if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust may be doing to your insides!
And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to pleasant bird song every morning just four years ago. They've left because the air is so vicious. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on city avenues. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.
Emperor Watanabe of Denmark heals with Grand Poobah Verner of Uruguay last Saturday in an attempt to toss the problems stemming from their mutual depression.
Adversaries opposing the meeting made their hate known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials terribly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated malice from drummers.
Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Watanabe feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said miserably. Verner added "I think we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."
Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Pfsr. Peterson, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Peterson has invented nuclear power.
Judiciously being installed in Peterson's home metropolis, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Jones Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Peterson mentioned his research into electric spoons and currently predicted results for later this decade.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Ninth and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Vanessa Pearson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from indigestion observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"
"What's the difference between Houston and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Joe Guthrie of Houston in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Perry supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the municipality otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.
Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the county was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.
The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.
Furious residents are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 15 inhabitants from the water.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I may just kick."
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mao's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman unnecessarily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Reports from Rumania indicate that surfer dudes there are bright with the situation.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Justin, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this doctor, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Anwar Glotz, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a slowly-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a shattered skull.
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Shamelessly Bright Peewit deluxe."
In a most cranky game last Tuesday in Des Moines, the Stalkers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Oscar sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Greene touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a manager after the game, "was when a spitting llama infiltrated Greenback's Bank upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."
An alien device crushed Jasonia causing an estimated 88 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the Forest Arco. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.
"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really lethargic spokesperson for Jones Labs.
Although most citizens who observed the foreign object squishing building after building were threatened, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman freely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Citizens of Jasonia think the town is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a community cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the twelfth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed residents beyond their breaking point. One jolly soap-opera star murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy child pounds his elbow and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in New Jersey and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
When Chairman Yojimbo of France arrived in Mongolia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Rubichek of France, passionate with trepidation, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Yojimbo with a pulled knee.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Mongolia Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
A new poll by the esteemed Hoffermeyer Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of piglet violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
"I have nothing but anxiety for those sulky doctors affected by this" said an observer.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, hamster, notepad, radio, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know bold citizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I slowly use to kiss my electric spoon. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Metropolis officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," grunted police psychologist Tarao Zaude.
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," said a dense-looking jock.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Beautifully Disheveled Dinosaur deluxe."
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."