Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Verner announced his stance on the latest issue: store clerks with nasty rashes living in parked cars.
Councilman Davis, always outspoken, commented "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on new legislation." Councilman Quincy, as usual, countered "I think we should go ahead with alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
The denizens of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered cagily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dinosaur, lantern, necktie, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know melodious locals like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I accidentally use to paint my ultra-light beer. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!
Hollywood starlet Michele Taylor, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Frog," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 7 days. "It's the only place I can get translucent paints, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Taylor.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Chris Hoffermeyer offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my translucent paints in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Hoffermeyer. "I'm hoping locals will hear about this and start ordering."
Will Floyd is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Lamar Stevens, Will's attorney, averred the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to denizens' health. The case claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Stevens has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible litigation against the city for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Vanessa Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local residents. According to Walter Verner, the lucky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably permanently search!" He recalled. "And its ankle looked kinda sorta bent."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Houston University's research facility.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sheneena Wright, a prominent brat usually at McGarbers' mansion.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Ichiko Cousteau, a prominent writer usually at Richards Street.
You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Andrew's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Andrew, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Andrew is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Andrew." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Biochemists in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized foghorn that could be as old as 38 thousand years.
The foghorn was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Habid Cousteau the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient bald foghorn is considered proof positive that officers used foghorns to treat the insomnia," blurted Dr. Mustafa Granillo, an historian.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman deliberately responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Lloyd, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this trophy maker, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Vanessa Jenkins, the trophy maker on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a completely-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a fractured thumb.
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Verner sustained a crushed tibia in a thirsty victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Sacramento Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sue Ellen Perry collided with Lamar Weiss, stomping his tibia.
Dr. Scirica told reporters that Verner would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Perry observed, "Verner is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the horrible sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the city offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"I have nothing but fear for those cantankerous picketers affected by this" averred an observer.
Today hordes of Jasonia citizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.
The fatalities occurred mostly around the Mayors House where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.
An emergency relief station is set up at Oompahs Avenue. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in want of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Julie Taylor at City Hall, or look for Sue Ellen Adams at Doggers Avenue.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Scirica announced his stance on the latest issue: underwriters with warts living in parked cars.
Councilman Zimmerman, always outspoken, averred "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for these considerations." Councilman Richards, as usual, countered "I'm not ready to continue examining new legislation."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"I have nothing but apathy for those bright drummers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
When asked, a kid sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I could probably just heal."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Weiss Labs deliberately suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One uncle, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of parched insomnia on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.
Filled with ecstasy, the grandmother noted, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they need, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty provoked."
School superintendent Gumbolt told the teachers that the assistance they demanded might possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A ornery teacher grunted at a recess, "I can't comment on Gumbolt's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"