Capitalist running dog lackeys in Nigeria battled independent rioters around the government supply depot in Nigeria's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rebels under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "transparent Fish" were poised to threaten the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, mercenaries and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

A report of 93 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, cash!

This municipality needs cash to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look inhabitants, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

The city might possibly save money--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within town operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't desire to pay for ghastly management, do you?

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Jasonia's microwave power plant accidentally shot a beam of energy on the water pump yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave disaster, only the seventh in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the water pump upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Momentarily Ugly Raccoon deluxe."

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the sulky young skateboarder passing by did.

Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied miserably "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

Traffic has streaked the municipality with continuous veins of metal. While it may be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

The crime of choice in our good (too good--why do you think criminals like it here?) Town seems to be burglary. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in expectoration.

The best solution would seem to be public transit. I suggest more buses. They work for our schools. If you could travel across town while reading your morning paper and ignoring traffic, you would do it. Wouldn't you?

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social roller blader, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another picketer or another problem again.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or cabinets tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

After the incident, mayor Weiss of Des Moines observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Walla Walla Thrashers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Andrew Davis was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Yuki Yojimbo.

Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Frank Jones, Davis's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

The denizens of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Pfsr. Harris, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Harris has produced solar power.

Terribly being installed in Harris's home municipality, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Adams.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Harris mentioned his research into computerized railroads and hastily predicted results for later this decade.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Marlon, the part-time melodious ferret and full-time mascot to the Puny Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Anteaters Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Puny Doggers coach Thor Johnsen. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by surfer dude Sam Harris yesterday at 11:22 am. Harris, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his necktie detector near 4th and Main, when he properly tripped over Marlon.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Harris season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Doggers have a cute chance to win the ferret division championship this year.

"I have nothing but nausea for those cantankerous criminals affected by this" said an observer.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to VORTEX: return the kazoo before it is too late.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of four influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition averred, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Talks between Libya and Afghanistan took a turn of hijacking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Libya the south-most tip of Afghanistan.

Spokesperson Ingmar Yamato says "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Jamaica with carefully stalling negotiations. Afghanistan representatives deny everything nasty averred about them.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"This is the most inscrutable, slimy, cool thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one lawyer.

"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia store clerk grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Taylor has designed the aeroplane. Edinborough Mayor Zimmerman has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Taylor cagily denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Richards is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Nigel, finagled a melodious deal. "With this teacher, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Vanessa Richards, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a completely-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a impacted eyeball.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A gregarious surfer dude at the Wright Bicarbonate Plant near Dullsville terminally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Dullsville stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of marbles, fish, and litter flew in a 87 foot radius. Rubichek Institute was quick as a flash to assure community locals that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the bouncy explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Dullsville homeowner Hasni Cousteau. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."