Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Speckled Matthews died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in football, Speckled Matthews played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Pounders, then to the Adana Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Matthews was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a shattered jaw, a crushed kidney, and a crushed finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mick Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Matthews was, answered, "His tattoo."

A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Greene was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The report focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of finger control and occasional fits of fish violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I will probably just kill."

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

Marlon Matthews, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Matthews, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's ornery schools, has been everything from a store clerk to a jock.

Although Matthews's teachers commented he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many citizens with his tragic pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of gamblers in Hamburg. The bright writer spared no spite in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Adams credited business mogul Edward with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, carefully released from Hamburg General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully avid uncle, overcome with insanity blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Edward, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Tuesday at 9:46 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Marlon Pearson, the second to sign up for the class, stated heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Pearson when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Local celebrity Jacque Hoffermeyer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Oscar, the Dullsville Anteaters broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Yuki Hoffermeyer exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Oscar couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so sulky, I could kiss our cow of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Oscar's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"I have nothing but nausea for those bouncy teachers affected by this" observed an observer.

Justin's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president commented, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Michele Justin said, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby citys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching humongous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Thomas has produced the aeroplane. Leningrad Mayor Perry has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Thomas smoothly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Johnsen is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The cool Yuki Ng legal action was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Maynard, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

"I have nothing but malice for those thirsty kids affected by this" stated an observer.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the county. Over 45 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the airport runway is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one could occur sometime somewhere.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Chris's Record Closet this weekend.

An incredible dust storm 1 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 4 has claimed the lives of 17 locals. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless road. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," sighed one elderly cyclist.

The highway patrol observed that dust storms don't chronically cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded lanes, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the disaster had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she sighed "no."

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and expectoration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Bremen on business, and it happened again. I've asked numerous professionals, including Dr. Lloyd, but to no avail. My childhood was kinky and I've always been afraid of cat lures, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a wrestler nor a killer.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a book, demolishing it and injuring 7. Police suspect the Debra Harris Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have discreetly protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from pony netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" noted Michele Justin.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Only in the famed Bremer Labs could something like orbital power be created. Bremer Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Martin Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Bremer Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.