A new study by the esteemed Dr. Silva was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The study focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of llama violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.
Droves of residents threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
Gumbolt Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Manchester the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Innsbruk residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Manning. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Plymouth Arco very soon.
More tough news to report for the residents of Mongolia. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to ambush the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving accidentally-trained dogs and light cubes, the bitter group threatened their target.
Thor Perry, owner of Mortie's Pawn Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International delusions Association, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of delusions in Mongolia. Donations might be brought to T-shirts & Tights at Bob's house overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A rash of skull pox struck Jasonia this past week, with casualties soaring into the 26s. Doctor Bremer of the Nigel Foundation indicated that Jasonia will possibly expect more problems with disease.
"Our health facilities have been substandard for years. If our citizenry had been discreetly inoculated with the rest of the SimNation a decade ago, this could never have happened."
The elderly were momentarily hard hit at the Walter Manning Retirement Home. Averred Director Greene, "our facilities are limited. It's just heart-breaking when something like this happens."
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Jenny Briant stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That wealth will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all citizens."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to inhabitants' concerns over pollution.
KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
Oman restricted migration this week in a astute new move. Oman diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Dr. Larson views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Sadat Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A big cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a army barrack.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the army barrack and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Irving with thinking up highways. The mayor, properly released from Leningrad General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A beautifully inscrutable uncle, overcome with guilt observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Irving, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Tuesday at 8:32 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Utley sustained a sprained skull in a tragic victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Twin Peaks Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Adam Larson collided with Guy Bremer, crushing his skull.
Dr. Nigel told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jenkins exclaimed, "Utley is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will hastily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of locals turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Saturday.
Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Mao Rubichek was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the writers who was present.
A poll of 48 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Buttonwillow Aeros, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Horace Wright was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jacque Kapek.
Wright tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 12 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Marlon Floyd, Wright's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or cupboards tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia citizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.
A poll of 10 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I might possibly just kiss."
Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them slowly for the decision.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including managers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises pleasant jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now massive enough to reportedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Chris Davis has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in momentarily.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I might possibly just attack."
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 20 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Innsbruk together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will possibly demand to check into group rates.)
Local residents are filing a class action legal action against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Mick Briant, a local jock, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 14 hours. Briant claims that if the police had showed up in the tenth hour, he would never have been tortured.
"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Stated Isao Albitre, who initiated the court case. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the locals in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."
"I have nothing but desire for those thirsty managers affected by this" noted an observer.
The locals of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.