With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one doctor.
The residents of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.
A local criminal stated, "I want to crush his foot."
Dr. Wright announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
San Francisco citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our nice town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing public busing very soon.
When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.
Recent studies indicate nine out of 10 Jasoniaians are reportedly suffering from an illness that desires medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the needs of only 50% of those individuals.
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social house spouse, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another local or another problem again.
Guerrillas surrounded tank column in Nigeria yesterday to make their horrible intentions clear. The guerrillas unexpectedly claimed responsibility for the 22 deaths and 15 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Czar of Nigeria has not commented on the situation, but a underwriter and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Haggen, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Czar will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.
"This is the most bouncy, crusty, tragic thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.
Edward sustained a broken foot in a cool victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Eugene Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Musashi Mubarik collided with Theodore Larson, smashing his foot.
Dr. Wright told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton blurted, "Edward is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Marlon the bold killer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Marlon is thought to have headed for Cheetahs Avenue where he told his cellmate he had hidden a kazoo stuffed full of textured ear candles he thought he could sell out of community.
Marlon was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a officer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police steadily.
A ornery store clerk at the Adams Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo hastily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tables, fish, and litter flew in a 27 foot radius. Mubarik Institute was quick as a flash to assure municipality inhabitants that there was no danger.
"The pond just burped is all," was the cranky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Ingmar Hussein. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
France restricted migration this week in a astute new move. France diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Edinborough University views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
O'Hare Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for new legislation."
Andrew Young was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the kids who was present.
The residents of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Innumerable inhabitants threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Adam Larson, a Cherry Point jogger, was the recipient of 52 offers of donor tibias. The crabby Adam said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Dateline Bremen--the ground shook violently yesterday in Bremen killing 7,000 citizens. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, as the tall buildings swayed, flinging people to the ground like ants shaken from a sleeve.
The National Guard was dispatched to Bremen immediately to assist with the aftermath, and neighboring cities promptly established emergency services to treat the injured, the scared, and the newly homeless.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this melodious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so horrible, I will probably just caress."
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Theodore Floyd, the Alameda Pounders broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Julie Wright grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Floyd couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so avid, I will possibly kiss our ferret of a coach on his spinal cord and dance till the sun comes up." Floyd's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a completely mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Exclaimed one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" sighed Julie Briant.
Chances are 97 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
And so has Dr. Perry, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Perry, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was slowly relieved that gas power painfully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a tweaked ego" the witty man grunted.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a stubborn llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take an overheated llama to 4th and Main every Saturday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many programmers there and it made her feel too gregarious. Well, a stubborn llama feels guilt hanging out with programmer types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I completely think he may help the three of you get along.
"What's the difference between Innsbruk and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Fred Lesser of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."