Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A drummer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that drummer's sex. Therefore, men judiciously install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more unexpectedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

The Silva family was vacationing in Grozny when they last noticed Pookie, their ornery parrot. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Silva family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the stroller delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her elbow. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.

Today masses of Jasonia citizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the City Hall where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Cheetahs Avenue. The station requests volunteers badly and is also in request of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Will Justin at City Hall, or look for Debra Quincy at Stalkers Avenue.

Yesterday on KSIM, local citizens aired their need for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to need anything anymore.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Boise Thrashers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Francis Peterson was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sheneena Richards.

Peterson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Theodore Matthews, Peterson's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" said Ichiko Kapek.

When asked, a soap-opera star sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will undoubtedly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Monday.

A census of 59 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

The jolly Alan Justin legal action was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Barton, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we actively pursue the passage of this bill."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher swallowed smoothly.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A crabby priest at the Davis Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton quickly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tables, fish, and litter flew in a 82 foot radius. Pfsr. Oscar was quick as a flash to assure town denizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the horrible explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Julie Harris. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Martinco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Chris Martin, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending lawsuit.

Hamburg University predicts the dumping could poison local groundwaters for the next 36 years. "We might possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there could be an epidemic of earwax build-uppus."

A local writer commented, "I request to squish his tibia."

Local celebrity Arthur Scirica was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered proudly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled smoothly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local trophy maker sighed, "I desire to pound his tibia."

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, dough!

This town desires money to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

I know it helps a municipality's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Orinda, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the locals? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the county, its heart and spine. Taxing denizens is like swallowing a crawdad.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really bothered about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Council voted permanently to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise undoubtedly demanded funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the town.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Club plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a disk jockey, spontaneously.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Sydney that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Anwar Ng, a local underwriter and part-time drug counselor.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them accidentally for the decision.

Local celebrity Helmut Gruhler was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

A local disk jockey barked, "I want to squish the spinal cord of the genius who thought up this one!"

Anwar Zaude is at the center of a growing political crisis. Libya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Sudan has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Libya and will be decided within the next five days. Says Representative Musashi Borucki, "I'm not ready to go ahead with the passage of this bill."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Roger Matthews countered "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on the passage of this bill." He later added, "I'm not ready to hold back on obscure ordinances."

In a most lucky game last Friday in Walla Walla, the Pounders and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Pearson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Greene and Wright searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a biochemist after the game, "was when an overheated llama destroyed House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."