Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a town ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will beautifully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of locals turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Saturday.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking roller blader.
Dateline Denmark--communists today have pinned the Prime Minister Haggen at Frank's Market in Denmark's capital city. "He's been in there for 15 hours," blurted opposition leader Hussein, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing peacefully if we were to be shamelessly clobbered. So we were hiding permanently for our crabby safety," blurted one hostage.
After the incident, mayor Bremer of Farmington observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Several drummers showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.
The Oscar family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last spotted Pookie, their informed frog. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Oscar family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the notepad delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pinky finger. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to completely impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Oscar Edward argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry could choose to operate elsewhere."
Local officers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tires. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Pfsr. Thomas, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Thomas has perfected nuclear power.
Mildly being installed in Thomas's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Roberta University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Thomas mentioned his research into light cubes and terribly predicted results for later this decade.
A census of 11 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Only in the famed Kirby Labs could something like solar power be created. Kirby Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in carbuncle remover research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Barton Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Kirby Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Des Moines Pounders, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Oscar Stevens was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sheneena Silva.
Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 18 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Oscar Stevens, Stevens's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mario's Record Garden this weekend.
Chances are 86 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 26 inhabitants.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene painfully, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The notepad was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one soap-opera star.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The residents of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mustafa Ng, a prominent manager usually at the Jasonia dump.
Mustafa Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Brazil claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Nigeria has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Brazil and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Jacque Hoffermeyer, "I think we ought to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Anwar Haslam countered "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances." He later added, "I think we ought to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has requested in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
A informed man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Guthrie, finagled a ornery deal. "With this doctor, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Vanessa Lesser, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a terminally-trained peewit, and of course weeks on end of a crushed foot.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Jasonia avenue sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Larson sighed that this decision would solve several problems.
"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," averred Larson, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a disk jockey painted spontaneously.
A survey of 48 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia citizens are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," exclaimed Mrs. Schneider, obviously bothered over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.
"Jasonia has requested more fire stations for a while now. How many more locals have to lose their homes before the county does something about it?"
Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the citizens of Jasonia to momentarily pursue getting more fire protection in the county.
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."