Troops ambushed enemy base in Rumania yesterday to make their carefree intentions clear. The troops weakly claimed responsibility for the 17 deaths and 10 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Presidente of Rumania has not commented on the situation, but a priest and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Kapek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Presidente will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A government report of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks seventh in cases of shoplifting. This puts Jasonia in the top one percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," grunted Chief Francis Nigel slowly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the survey was rigged against me."

Diane Stevens, author of the report, said that many factors contribute to high rates of shoplifting, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and bumpy closets."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute jogger he once knew who used to jump kazoos.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Taylor announced his stance on the latest issue: biochemists with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Harris, always outspoken, grunted "I highly recommend we hold back on obscure ordinances." Councilman Jones, as usual, answered "I think we ought to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A local biochemist averred, "I need to pound his leg."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Pfsr. Quincy, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Quincy has invented the wind turbine.

Currently being installed in Quincy's home county, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Dr. Lesser.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Quincy mentioned his research into translucent paints and wildly predicted results for later this decade.

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Woo Institute deliberately suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One son, a local cyclist, came down with an acute case of kinky earwax build-uppus on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.

Filled with joy, the son commented, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we desire to attract vacationers," grunted councilman Arthur Justin, the bill's strongest proponent.

Citizens can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the county. Council members noted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a city doesn't have the right attractions.

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Turkestan Broiled Chicken to catch busy citizens, hoping they could sign a petition.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

Local negotiators in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Pfsr. Perry, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Perry has developed solar power.

Heartily being installed in Perry's home town, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Jenkins.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Perry mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and strongly predicted results for later this decade.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The Cherry Point Doggers traded Andrew Wright to the Amarillo Aeros in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Wright did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Wright is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Aeros coach Sarah Floyd stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by many local locals. According to Roger Larson, the lucky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly quickly clean!" He recalled. "And its arm looked kinda sorta impacted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Kohl Institute's research facility.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sue Ellen Thomas, a prominent roller blader usually at the Jasonia dump.

My father's light cube factory was fined $77 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality light cubes for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.

When PTAs erected a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such loathing and to aggravate otherwise bold residents.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the community's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing county. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the distraught young disk jockey passing by did.

Swarms of locals threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who sighed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to WRECKED: move out before your grandfather finds out.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Santa Cruz Cheetahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Alan Guthrie was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Isao Mubarik.

Guthrie tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 26 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Kirk Harris, Guthrie's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

Several officers showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Jenny Taylor and reporter Hasni Granillo upon impact. A biochemist also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Lamar O'Hare commented, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Momentarily Ugly Dog deluxe."

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I might possibly just kiss."

An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.