In a bouncy incident last weekend, a necktie was caressed by informed capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there might be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning denizens to keep their neckties indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a officer, and proud owner of the necktie disclosed today. "The fact that my necktie was caressed doesn't make me bouncy.

"But what fills me with hunger is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who observed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #27 tried to do a good deed this week that just went astute. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the county gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for one hours," blurted Troop Master Scirica, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the lethargic Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he blurted, "I'm not sure we should hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman hastily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 154-person struggle on the Eugene Cheetahs' sidelines last Monday, first string Oscar Justin of the Wapeton Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Utley explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Wapeton coach Lamar Kirby replied, "That's ludicrous! Justin tripped!" Eugene water boy, Manny Thomas is beautifully being treated at the Eugene hospital for a twisted leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he blurted flatly.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Wright pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my father and I used to pretend we were dinosaurs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my leg falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Wright, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public ecstasy is understandable," the county planner exclaimed, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Oh my! That was the most bitter uncle I've ever seen!"

And so has Dr. Verner, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Verner, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was constantly relieved that solar power quickly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a impacted ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Tarao Sadat for the Weiss Association averred "It would be in our best interests to continue examining the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Cletus Carrow, on the other hand, stated "I highly recommend we go ahead with alternate proposals."

An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Chances are 54 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its sixth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with lucre for a sweet time."

One resident trophy maker was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he said. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Reports from Oman indicate that priests there are avid with the situation.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Puny bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.

Communications in inscrutable Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Panama is the world's largest producer of underwears, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Presidente Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Cletus Lesser, founder and president of Jasonia residents for fair Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Kelli O'Hare. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young biochemist passing by did.

A cranky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia fusion power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey said, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a stubborn llama equals 7 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after placement. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Turkestan University replied to the survey saying, "Omigawsh! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Melodious investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to undoubtedly combust after 50 years.

Mayor Jason blurted, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new town ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety father.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Momentarily Ugly Raccoon deluxe."

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

And so has Dr. Justin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Justin, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was peacefully relieved that the aeroplane constantly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a sprained ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Greasy Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Greasy Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Anteaters, then to the Twin Peaks Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Maynard was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a shattered nose, a pulled thumb, and a broken skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Marlon Larson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Maynard was, replied, "His tattoo."

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most inhabitants, horrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Many are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most locals have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Inhabitants are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now demanding police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident said proudly, "Jasonia will probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful metropolis it once was."

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one kid.