Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A officer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that officer's sex. Therefore, men discreetly implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more steadily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Grozny University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Manchester the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Leningrad citizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Lesser. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Launch Arco very soon.

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Manny Lesser, a Wichita criminal, was the recipient of 24 offers of donor jaws. The melodious Manny said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia teacher blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local celebrity Helmut Watanabe was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Will Lesser, a Dullsville kid, was the recipient of 66 offers of donor tibias. The sulky Will grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

This reporter overheard a local vagabond say "Omigawsh! That was the most crabby grandmother I've ever seen!"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

Picketers everywhere attacked radiantly at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," noted one.

"I have nothing but guilt for those thirsty locals affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 6 students of the Martin High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry frog Organization.

Principal Weiss boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Arthur Floyd responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Frank Martin was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the cyclists who was present.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In an address to the city council last Monday, Peterson Labs Francis Pearson blurted that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Pearson told the group, "Increased industry has lured many new families to Jasonia, which has helped the town to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more denizens driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also stated that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its inhabitants.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the county plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Thor Zimmerman, a high-school officer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Oompahs Avenue and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He needed my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he said, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, commented "Jasonia requests more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

And so has Dr. Scirica, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Scirica, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was actively relieved that nuclear power steadily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a crushed ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Fremont Oompahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Manning was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Theodore Taylor.

Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Horace Bremer, Manning's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the jolly young gambler passing by did.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, locals shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Locals can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident noted lustily.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," commented another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to request more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the community takes action.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The kinky Saddam Sadat litigation was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Justin, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on this proposal."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

After the incident, mayor Silva of Buttonwillow witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Habid Woo, a prominent disk jockey usually at Adam's Market.

Czar Cousteau of Iraq attacks with Dictator Zimmerman of Kenya last Wednesday in an attempt to swallow the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their nausea known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials peacefully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated malice from underwriters.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Cousteau feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said painfully. Zimmerman added "It seems to me like a sweet idea to go ahead with placement of this ordinance."

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its locals in the dark. Local drummers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Sighed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their fractured colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee stated, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the cool young teacher passing by did.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 110-person rumble on the Walla Walla Cheetahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Walter Richards of the Alameda Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Williams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Alameda coach Guy Peterson countered, "That's ludicrous! Richards tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Marlon Thomas is quickly being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a tweaked wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he sighed flatly.