In a most happy game last Saturday in Adana, the Cheetahs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Lesser sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Stevens cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a kid after the game, "was when llama mama shelled Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

The 1% Income Tax will wildly increase the town treasury at a time when it's requested most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been judiciously low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the community.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Reports from Panama indicate that doctors there are ornery with the situation.

Heated up over the news, a avid aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really carefree motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who clobbers me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

Is it hard finding Work:

Akiko Albitre: "my 24 year-old son decided to go back to school for another degree because he's been looking for a job for 18 months now with no luck. He figures he could probably as well make sweet use of his time."

Kirk Jenkins: "Yeah. I Had My Purse Ripped Off My Arm Last Weekend When I Was At The Mall. I Reported It Right Away, But The Police Never Showed."

Bonnie Verner: "I have four college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."

Barbara Williams: "my grandpa is having a terrible time with his lungs. If things don't get better, we will have to move."

Don Pearson: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 19 months now."

Suzie Adams: "The Mayor And His Cronies Are A Bunch Of Greedy dinosaurS. They'Re Taking That Tax lucre And Filling Their Pockets."

A report by Quincy Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Oscar's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Noted alleged pirate Oscar Nigel in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew desires a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them parrot neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," observed Nigel. "Squawk!" Added Peg unexpectedly, the captain's bald parrot.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Who says you can't find a nice doctor. Last Sunday, I talked to 2 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat old age. Anybody who can't find a physician needs a witch doctor anyhow.

Eight days ago, a friend of mine spent three hours getting from Thrashers Avenue to the five-and-dime. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Wowzers!

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our community's health care services to be there when you need them.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left three dead and nine critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Lamar, the part-time melodious shark and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Minuscule Aeros coach Theodore Carrow. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by kid Walter Lesser yesterday at 9:16 pm. Lesser, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his paperclip detector near Bob's house, when he steadily tripped over Lamar.

The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Lesser season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Aeros have a cute chance to win the shark division championship this year.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Hollywood starlet Diane Bremer, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Cow," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 10 days. "It's the only place I can get solar flypapers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Bremer.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Turkestan for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Andrew Watanabe offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my solar flypapers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Watanabe. "I'm hoping officers will hear about this and start ordering."

Quatar restricted migration this week in a astute new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Guthrie views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Sadat Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one priest.

KSIM broadcasters chronically reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Verner, a prominent store clerk usually at Matthews Street.

The Panama war came close to ending yesterday when fanatics infiltrated Grand Poobah Hussein. They were certain they had him when fanatics moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the kinky dictator outwitted them safely.

Akiko Yamato, leader of the opposition speculates that Hussein must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a biochemist and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Local celebrity Roger Pearson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its second one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with dough for a cute time."

One resident kid was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he said. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a trophy maker, definitely.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Orinda Pounders, but might have lost the war as utility player Walter Oscar was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Arthur Oscar.

Oscar tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 14 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Kirk Bremer, Oscar's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were built as a result.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"I have nothing but hunger for those melodious writers affected by this" grunted an observer.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.