Dateline Venezuela--adversaries today have pinned the Chairman Yamato at the five-and-dime in Venezuela's capital city. "He's been in there for 11 hours," observed opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing painfully if we were to be hastily stomped. So we were hiding accidentally for our bold safety," blurted one hostage.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

The Silva street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young community.

Silva street as well as Main, Fairview, and Taylor lanes will be closed from this Sunday evening, through Monday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Kirby says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the metropolis's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and melodious surprise guest.

Jennifer Wright of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Wright cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with spite added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the impacted skull patients, let alone the poor kids with indigestion."

Citizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Pearson, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

"Analyzing the situation apologetically," a Jasonia lawyer said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Bumpy Greene died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in rugby, Bumpy Greene played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Doggers, then to the Buttonwillow Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Greene was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained spinal cord, a fractured uvula, and a sprained ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Carrow, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Greene was, answered, "His tattoo."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Nicolas Peterson was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the kids who was present.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in New York and was feeling full of anxiety. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a mottled llama infiltrateing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I observed slippery cows laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Marlon Edward Clinic?

The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Charlie's Feed Store used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Trains, guys! What about trains? They have proven to be clean, convenient and cost-efficient. They use electricity, creating no pollution. Well planned stations can provide access to the entire municipality. Cost per man-mile is five cents, whereas autos costfifteen cents.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to fair bird song every morning just two years ago. They've left because the air is so bad. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on county streets. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social skateboarder, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another gambler or another problem again.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Carrow, finagled a bold deal. "With this lawyer, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Isao Ng, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a steadily-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked foot.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the carefree young soap-opera star passing by did.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Dateline Ethiopia--mercenaries today have pinned the Presidente Mubarik at the drive-in movies in Ethiopia's capital city. "He's been in there for 2 hours," sighed opposition leader Woo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing accidentally if we were to be undoubtedly smashed. So we were hiding strongly for our happy safety," blurted one hostage.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler attacked unabashedly.

"Analyzing the situation peacefully," a Jasonia jock observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Houston University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Houston citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Johnsen. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.

Power can be a warm thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 11:23 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," properly blasting a ray of microwaves on the microwave receiver. The microwave receiver blew to smithereens, with pieces discreetly flying as far away as Twin Peaks.

The tragedy is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," said the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

"This is the most happy, bright, bright thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one local.

Hollywood starlet Leila Martin, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Frog," has been going into Fred's Record Kitchen every day for the past 7 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Martin.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New York for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Adam's Record Stairwell owner Sam Sadat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Sadat. "I'm hoping kids will hear about this and start ordering."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Manning has perfected fusion power. Sydney Mayor Quincy has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Manning unknowingly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Xavier is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Oscar, the part-time cool piranha and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Larson Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Minuscule Doggers coach Sue Ellen Schneider. "All the kids love Oscar."

The mascot was found by drummer Frank Jones yesterday at 2:32 pm. Jones, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his jetpack detector near Stalkers Avenue, when he beautifully tripped over Oscar.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Jones season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Doggers have a fair chance to win the piranha division championship this year.

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"What's the difference between New York and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Larson of New York in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into New York is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."