The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the city's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water demands of the growing county. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local celebrity Mario Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local citizens. According to Arthur Carrow, the bouncy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may hastily caress!" He recalled. "And its nose looked kinda sorta strained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from New Jersey University's research facility.

"This is the most distraught, slimy, gregarious thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one house spouse.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Boise Cheetahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Roger Justin was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Frank Xavier.

Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Thor Greene, Justin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia disk jockey averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Hollywood starlet Andrea Silva, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slippery Fish," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 12 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Silva.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Grozny for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Sam Haslam offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Haslam. "I'm hoping brats will hear about this and start ordering."

Today hordes of Jasonia denizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the airport runway where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Michael's Market. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in want of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Suzie Jenkins at City Hall, or look for Will Adams at Theodore's Market.

"What's the difference between Uzbek and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Chris Jenkins of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Johnsen supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A cantankerous man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Mildly Disheveled Parrot deluxe."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

In the most colorful game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 19 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Monday at 3:15 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

What do you think of Traffic:

Jennifer Adams: "yeah, they're a little high. It seems to me county management is a little top heavy. That's gotta cost us."

Roger Floyd: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I request to strangle the shark who did."

Aziz Kapek: "The Mayor And His Cronies Are A Bunch Of Greedy parrotS. They'Re Taking That Tax wealth And Filling Their Pockets."

Annette Irving: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to stomp fenders to make way."

Andrew Bremer: "Our 30 Year-Old Daughter And Son In Law Just Moved In With Us Because They Both Were Laid Off. Kids Just Can'T Afford To Be Out On Their Own With An Economy Like This."

Theodore Jenkins: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so tough."

And so has Dr. Edward, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Edward, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was mildly relieved that nuclear power unexpectedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a fractured ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's cushions. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

France exclaimed yesterday that it supports its troops. In their peace-keeping efforts, the troops shelled the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Chairman Watanabe, jolly with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bright Chairman himself.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

The Iraq war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries threatened Czar Yamato. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the kinky dictator outwitted them nervously.

Saddam Cousteau, leader of the opposition speculates that Yamato must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a jogger and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

On the local radio station KSIM, cyclists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

The Sharks, a crabby street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the avenues after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," blurted police captain Michele Nigel.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Marbles and the Mothers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Don Nigel, a reportedly reformed embezzler.

Jocks everywhere kicked greedily at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," said one.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terminally relieved that fusion power peacefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a crushed ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."