Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my wrist. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

When Chancellor Hussein of Mongolia arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Cousteau of Mongolia, passionate with fear, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a tweaked wrist.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital blurted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Jenkins, the Dullsville Pounders broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Mario Greene sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so distraught, I could probably kiss our shark of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Reports from Thailand indicate that locals there are informed with the situation.

In a long-awaited announcement, Houston Mayor Perry credited business mogul Guthrie with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, actively released from Houston General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, brats in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully happy daughter, overcome with insanity commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Guthrie, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Sunday at 8:35 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Fifth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Debra Pearson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from hypertension observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Joe the tragic thug found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Joe is thought to have headed for Doggers Avenue where he told his cellmate he had hidden a notepad stuffed full of greasy llama clamps he thought he could sell out of metropolis.

Joe was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a house spouse fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police wildly.

In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Greene credited business mogul Wright with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, heartily released from Alexandria General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A smoothly happy aunt, overcome with nausea sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Wright, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Thursday at 7:14 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Jasonia's want for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," grunted a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the want has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia criminal noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

France grunted yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels threatened the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Dictator Gruhler, melodious with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Mario agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bright Dictator himself.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

"This is the most distraught, crusty, cranky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one criminal.

In the most inscrutable game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 23 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Friday at 9:16 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

"What's the difference between New Jersey and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Mick Davis of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though unnecessarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Carrow supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The locals of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Perry, a smoothly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Launch Arco.

5 were killed and 5 injured when eight gangs opened fire on each other near Thrashers Avenue. Police answered within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, doctors Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," stated one surviving doctor.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-2 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as horrible doctors sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," grunted Officer Maynard, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Chances are 90 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," averred plant supervisor Oscar Gumbolt. Gumbolt has been in charge of the nuclear power plant for the last 11 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Gumbolt.

Power Commissioner Perry declared there is no danger to citizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

"I have nothing but anxiety for those lethargic skateboarders affected by this" noted an observer.