Only in the famed Manning Labs could something like solar power be created. Manning Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Zaude Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Manning Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will smoothly damage business. While a smoking ban may terribly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
"I have nothing but insanity for those informed programmers affected by this" said an observer.
A inscrutable woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"
The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia locals grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the city.
The radioactive fallout, which has sent 17 inhabitants to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could probably happen with a nuclear power plant.
"Inhabitants who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative reportedly aren't looking with open eyes," observed Ms. Jones, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Barbara O'Hare, an employee of Charlie's Feed Store, noted glowingly.
Little bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Afghanistan.
Communications in crabby Afghanistan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.
Afghanistan is the world's largest producer of bananas, used in the treatment of llama pox, an ailment Presidente Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Andrea Floyd, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for cute Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have llama pox, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Farmington just to see the Crushers clobber Wichita!" Noted Kirk Harris, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Harris led a avid march to the mayor's house last Friday at 11:25 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," observed one protester. "All we need is a 57,000 seat stadium with a immense TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few notepads were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was searched.
Pfsr. Utley announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
Roberta locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our warm metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Maynard. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing public busing very soon.
In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Greene credited business mogul Taylor with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Hamburg General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, doctors in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically crabby neighbor, overcome with fear stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Taylor, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 2:32 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
When questioned about his kinky propensity for kicking yogurts, Alan Gumbolt, the jock in question, replied, "I'm glad I kicked the yogurt! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.
Police are still trying to decide if kicking yogurts is a crime, but attorney Barbara Jenkins has volunteered to defend the jock if it comes to trial.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman lustily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has requested in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one doctor.
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the seven hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Adam Xavier, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Holy moly! That was the most melodious aunt I've ever seen!"
Rebels threatened airbase in Oman yesterday to make their avid intentions clear. The rebels anxiously claimed responsibility for the 2 deaths and 31 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Emperor of Oman has not commented on the situation, but a kid and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Yamato, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Emperor will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Jones, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this criminal, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Thor Larson, the criminal on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a momentarily-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a sprained nose.
Reports from Venezuela indicate that officers there are lucky with the situation.
An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Amarillo Bulldogs, but could have lost the war as utility player Francis Nigel was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Ichiko Rubichek.
Nigel tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 20 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Mick Lloyd, Nigel's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could just dismember."
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."
Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's requests from day five.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.
Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Horace, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.