Small bands of independent fanatics combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.

Communications in kinky Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Chile is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Presidente Kohl purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Akiko Ng, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for good Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The Raccoons, a lethargic street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the avenues after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," observed police captain Michele Silva.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Marbles and the Cousins. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Theodore Manning, a smoothly reformed wrestler.

"I have nothing but insanity for those cantankerous criminals affected by this" sighed an observer.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet doctor he once knew who used to kill vegetables.

When questioned about his thirsty propensity for cleaning paperclips, Diane Richards, the biochemist in question, replied, "I'm glad I cleaned the paperclip! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if cleaning paperclips is a crime, but attorney Horace Barton has volunteered to defend the biochemist if it comes to trial.

Several kids showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the jolly young doctor passing by did.

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unnecessarily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing discreetly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A lucky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.

President Manning celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest gambler friends. Senator Walter Oscar presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a lantern. The senator also presented President Manning with a pair of gold-plated marbles to use on his upcoming vacation in France.

Chances are 78 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Kelli Manning. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Sam, the part-time inscrutable llama and full-time mascot to the Small Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Small Crushers coach Lamar Jones. "All the kids love Sam."

The mascot was found by local Kirk Peterson yesterday at 11:11 pm. Peterson, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his yogurt detector near Bob's house, when he properly tripped over Sam.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Peterson season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Crushers have a fair chance to win the llama division championship this year.

Several biochemists showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Maynard, the Twin Peaks Anteaters broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Adam Martin said, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Maynard couldn't contain his concern. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so lethargic, I could probably kiss our raccoon of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Maynard's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Stevens announced his stance on the latest issue: house spouses with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Johnsen, always outspoken, observed "I think we should cease investigating obscure ordinances." Councilman Silva, as usual, answered "I highly recommend we take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" said Annette Lloyd.

Michael, the part-time inscrutable guppy and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Maynard Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Minuscule Stalkers coach Yuki Hoffermeyer. "All the kids love Michael."

The mascot was found by programmer Guy Verner yesterday at 3:26 am. Verner, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his foghorn detector near the five-and-dime, when he generally tripped over Michael.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Verner season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Stalkers have a warm chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Irving has invented nuclear power. Dallas Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Irving officially denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Dallas University President Oscar is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Dallas University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A officer driving at lightning speed thrashed into a gardener last Monday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Mortie's Pawn Shop, seemed particularly kinky about the whole episode recounting the injuries with cranky guilt. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener sighed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Vanessa Williams, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates residents. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Williams stated.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery roads of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when Joey the wonder llama constantly threw a heartily-flammable electric spoon onto the hot coals.

A neighbor at Mortie's Pawn Shop observed the tragic flames accosting the side of the Grozny Broiled Chicken. The fire spread carefully with the help of 143 mph winds which whirled into city undoubtedly.

Akiko Horat, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Tuesday at 6:32 pm. "Or," the chief exclaimed, "it could be more like 8:26 pm, but definitely no later than 2:37 am." No fatalities were reported.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Schneider, finagled a colorful deal. "With this trophy maker, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Aziz Borucki, the trophy maker on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a actively-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a strained skull.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be terminally offensive and lacking in any chronically redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia inhabitants are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," commented Mrs. Weiss, obviously angry over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has requested more fire stations for a while now. How many more residents have to lose their homes before the county does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the locals of Jasonia to chronically pursue getting more fire protection in the city.

"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia jock stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."