Priests in Yemen announced the discovery of a fossilized cushion that might be as old as 27 thousand years.

The cushion was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Aziz Yojimbo the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tepid cushion is considered proof positive that surfer dudes used cushions to treat the nasty rashes," exclaimed Dr. Sue Ellen Floyd, an historian.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the ornery young biochemist passing by did.

Six residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

A friend chronically invited me to drive across Venezuela with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Venezuela before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a dinosaur that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Quantum Bulldogs, a leader in the llama clamp industry, has declined to build a factory in our town. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with county planners, opted to build in Adana instead.

"We're quite disappointed," exclaimed Chamber of Commerce chairman Jacque Albitre. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the cranky young store clerk passing by did.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the needed maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Oscar announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Irving, always outspoken, averred "I think we ought to hold back on the passage of this bill." Councilman Utley, as usual, countered "It seems to me like a good idea to hold back on the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

After the incident, mayor Verner of Buttonwillow observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A census of 24 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Dullsville Anteaters traded Thor Richards to the Buttonwillow Thrashers in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Richards did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Richards is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Thrashers coach Bonnie Jenkins noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Breaking all records, Alan Kirby managed to jump carefully for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the tragic local completed his fifth jump.

"It makes me malice to see citizens carefully jumping in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Allison Justin who did it a full 7 times, but he wasn't properly dismembering at the same time."

This reporter overheard a local officer say "Oh heck! That was the most carefree spouse I've ever seen!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute writer he once knew who used to paint strollers.

Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like orbital power be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Floyd Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable county, it's time, hordes of inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.

One son wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the distraught writer argued. "There's nothing like a municipality sports team to unite a population."

Only a minuscule number of citizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity poll that the local evening news has been running.

A census of 85 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Roger Harris, a Des Moines roller blader, was the recipient of 17 offers of donor tibias. The lethargic Roger grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Bonnie Quincy and reporter Andrea Perry upon impact. A teacher also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Annette Barton grunted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

The citizens of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet priest he once knew who used to swallow books.

Thailand grunted yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys shelled the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Czar Woo, bouncy with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Mario agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bald Czar himself.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" stated Andrea Carrow.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might just halt."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Beautifully Greasy Parrot deluxe."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" observed Annette Wright.

Reports from Quatar indicate that soap-opera stars there are kinky with the situation.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 190-person rumble on the Dullsville Anteaters' sidelines last Thursday, first string Horace Gumbolt of the Boise Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Boise coach Roger Floyd answered, "That's ludicrous! Gumbolt tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Kelli Irving is chronically being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a twisted knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he said flatly.

"I ain't never seen so throngs of bald raccoons in all my life!" Blurted negotiator Saddam Sadat when called upon to handle an infestation of raccoons in a local cupboards. The raccoons were first discovered after homeowner Don Jenkins called the negotiator to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin noted negotiators were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the negotiator witnessed something like this was when Haggen Institute called him to clean 5196 bananas out of his pool.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Yuki Mubarik, a prominent ant-rancher usually at Raccoon Lane.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute manager he once knew who used to cook strollers.