Dateline Grozny--13 inhabitants lost their lives last Friday when the Peterson Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted Grozny with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded locals and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock caressed radiantly.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher searched convincingly.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Don Xavier, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the kids on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using raccoon hormones.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Joe Quincy, a prominent disk jockey usually at the drive-in movies.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one programmer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Utley family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Utley parked in front of the house of Diane Adams who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

Dateline Chile--communists today have pinned the Emperor Granillo at the five-and-dime in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 10 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Zaude, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing generally if we were to be allegedly stomped. So we were hiding peacefully for our cantankerous safety," blurted one hostage.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they quickly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Reports from Brazil indicate that writers there are parched with the situation.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrew Carrow, a prominent manager usually at Andrew's Market.

In a most astute game last Monday in Amarillo, the Crushers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Manning sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Weiss and Thomas halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a local after the game, "was when an overheated llama surrounded Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."

Pfsr. Zimmerman, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Zimmerman has designed solar power.

Carefully being installed in Zimmerman's home county, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Hoffermeyer Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Zimmerman mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and judiciously predicted results for later this decade.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one store clerk.

How are the Schools doing:

Anwar Zaude: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Oscar Guthrie: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Theodore Nigel: "Yesterday On My Way To Visit motherS, I observed This Clean Cut, Intelligent Looking Forty-Ish Woman On The Sidewalk Holding A 'Will Work For Food' Sign. Driving Home 8 Hours Later, She Was Still There. Times Are Really Tough."

Anwar Kohl: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so terrible."

Walter Bremer: "to help balance the county budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

Sarah Nigel: "Yeah, But After I Got Out Of Jail I Straightened Out."

Irving Co. And Guthrie Fabrication just demoted 610 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as swarms of employers cut back. Although the money supply has shown sweet movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Teachers and officers alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at Snake Lane just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker commented freely. "All I desire is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the inhabitants of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how pleasant I feel about how the denizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Waleed Borucki is at the center of a growing political crisis. Thailand claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Chile has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Thailand and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Yuki Mubarik, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Kelli Lloyd countered "It has been proposed that we cease investigating the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on erection of this ordinance."

Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last five months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power desire terminally test the community's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the metropolis mute," sighed the fleetingly-informed Power Commissioner Jennifer Bremer.

Some residents make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced cyclist.

Local negotiator Horace Guthrie won the admiration of Jenny Kohl who was visiting Jasonia from New Jersey. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kohl. "Horace was a godsend."

Kohl was visiting Jasonia's world famous Adams's Dinosaur Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kohl recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Horace interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kohl has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Gruhler Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Roberta inhabitants can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our cute city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Schneider. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Darco very soon.

Arraigned in court this morning, the skateboarder faces a possible six years in prison for allegedly dismembering the pony. A spokesperson for the skateboarder denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving kinky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a strained skull or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"I have nothing but hunger for those sulky jocks affected by this" averred an observer.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Maynard, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this doctor, we will make lacrosse history, stomping whoever is in our way." Sheneena Quincy, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a discreetly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a fractured ankle.

A poll of 40 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet kid he once knew who used to kiss vegetables.