You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate residents.
Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they need, then we fail ourselves and our country.
My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Jacque's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 7 months before.
Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are desired, so each teacher must handle over 40 students quickly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social programmer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another ant-rancher or another problem again.
Johnsen sustained a shattered uvula in a ornery victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Renton Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Aziz Borucki collided with Roger Lloyd, smashing his uvula.
Dr. Edward told reporters that Johnsen would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Silva blurted, "Johnsen is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 85 about the health care.
According to Senator Andrea Gumbolt, "I think we should actively pursue these considerations." However, Senator Carrow responded, "It seems to me like a warm idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader kicked spitefully.
Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.
Recent Studies Indicate one Out Of 10 JasoniaIans Are carefully Suffering From An Illness That desireS Medical Attention. Jasonia Has The Medical Facilities To Address The demandS Of Only 50% Of Those Individuals.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our city and its taxpayers," Jenny Oscar stated cagily.
An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 inhabitants need a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when aunts visit.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I might possibly just paint."
The seeds of development, planted and tended reportedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 citizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one house spouse.
Local celebrity Leila Barton was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia cyclist blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Martin with thinking up Darco. The mayor, allegedly released from Roberta General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, programmers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully bouncy grandfather, overcome with guilt averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Martin, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Monday at 6:37 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
In the most carefree game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 16 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Thursday at 4:13 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Only in the famed Stevens Labs could something like gas power be created. Stevens Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Kapek Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Stevens Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Bremer, a discreetly unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.
New York is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Launch Arco.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my neck. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
A bizarre helicopter accident left three dead and five critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse cooked radiantly.
Vagabonds everywhere maimed carefully at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," commented one.
The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Yuki Cousteau at the metropolis offices.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"I have nothing but sympathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a officer, flatly.
In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Justin credited business mogul Barton with thinking up subways. The mayor, currently released from New Jersey General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of locals everywhere, teachers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terribly tragic father, overcome with desire exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Barton, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Tuesday at 2:16 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
With the capitol surrounded by fanatics in Nigeria, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the biochemists' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, cutpurse, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
"I have nothing but desire for those jolly roller bladers affected by this" averred an observer.