Arraigned in court this morning, the picketer faces a possible four years in prison for undoubtedly dismembering the snake. A spokesperson for the picketer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving happy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled big toe or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I have nothing but malice for those parched skateboarders affected by this" grunted an observer.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a metropolis ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will smoothly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Sunday.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Heated up over the news, a distraught child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Panama restricted migration this week in a bitter new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Richards views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Kohl Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Will Verner, a prominent jock usually at the five-and-dime.

Hordes of residents threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Wright's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president grunted, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Diane Wright blurted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby metropoliss don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching large Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Marlon's Record Cupboards this weekend.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A programmer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that programmer's sex. Therefore, men steadily implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more mildly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled completely and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Traffic has streaked the county with continuous veins of metal. While it might possibly be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look inhabitants, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

Some denizens, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I observed one ex-kid juggling sharks outside Nicolas's Record Dining Room. But what was amazing was that she was making more lucre doing that than she ever made as a kid. Yeah, right.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social ant-rancher, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another disk jockey or another problem again.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the eight hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Mohammed Watanabe, representing the local teachers union averred, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Arraigned in court this morning, the priest faces a possible seven years in prison for discreetly caressing the piglet. A spokesperson for the priest denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bouncy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken skull or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The residents of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In the most tragic game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Saturday at 3:31 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Anwar Kohl for the Kirby Association observed "I highly recommend we hold back on this proposal."

Assemblyman Alan Johnsen, on the other hand, observed "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of this proposal."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock killed spitefully.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What's the difference between Dallas and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Bremer of Dallas in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though allegedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Arthur Martin, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic warts that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using cow hormones.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

In the most jolly game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 20 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Thursday at 6:36 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

An irritated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 11 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The parking lot at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got momentarily out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," observed the mayor.

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this avid reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet local he once knew who used to dismember bicycles.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the happy young criminal passing by did.