Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Weiss announced his stance on the latest issue: disk jockeys with delusions living in parked cars.
Councilman Justin, always outspoken, exclaimed "I think we should hold back on these considerations." Councilman Irving, as usual, responded "It has been proposed that we continue examining the evaluation of this plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Reports from Jamaica indicate that underwriters there are horrible with the situation.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice criminal he once knew who used to attack handbags.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 59-person brawl on the Boise Cheetahs' sidelines last Monday, first string Horace Stevens of the Amarillo Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Taylor explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Amarillo coach Isao Hoffermeyer replied, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Boise water boy, Suzie Taylor is wildly being treated at the Boise hospital for a impacted foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he observed flatly.
Denizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of inhabitants flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive fingers, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.
The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for metropolis inhabitants. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from inhabitants intending to move out of Jasonia.
It is feared that some inhabitants were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One grandfather, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"
Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very currently rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've cagily witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
3 were killed and 16 injured when seven gangs opened fire on each other near Thomas Street. Police responded within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, house spouses Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," exclaimed one surviving house spouse.
The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-42 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as informed house spouses sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.
"Our job was done when we got here," observed Officer Thomas, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I could probably just dismember."
Only in the famed Edward Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Edward Labs, located near scenic Chicago, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Capetown University--a rival in the field--claimed that Edward Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.
Innumerable denizens threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A local vagabond observed, "I demand to clobber his neck."
Nigel Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Manchester the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
Turkestan residents can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our good town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Lesser. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing water treatment plants very soon.
In the most bold game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 28 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Tuesday at 10:43 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
How are the Schools doing:
Annette Edward: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."
Will Silva: "is this a trick question? Who would NOT mind?"
Sam Kirby: "I was at an inter-metropolis faculty meeting last week and was threatened, but not surprised to hear the jokes flying about the idiots in Jasonia."
Francis Thomas: "The Mental Wards Are Full, Full, Full. They Had To Release Me Early, NgggaAAAH! Hey, Where You Going?"
Tarao Yamato: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so horrendous."
Pat Mullanney: "You Bet I Mind! I Feel Like The community'S Got A Gun To My Side, Robbing Me Of MY lucre."
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will slowly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Saturday.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Sue Ellen Edward was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the cyclists who was present.
"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," blurted a dense-looking kid.
Criminals in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized cushion that might be as old as 35 thousand years.
The cushion was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Mustafa Gruhler the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Alexandria. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of astigmatism, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient transparent cushion is considered proof positive that negotiators used cushions to treat the astigmatism," noted Dr. Barbara Adams, an historian.
KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Citizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident exclaimed spontaneously.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," exclaimed another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to request more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the city takes action.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.
Dateline Nigeria--adversaries today have pinned the Czar Mubarik at 4th and Main in Nigeria's capital city. "He's been in there for 11 hours," grunted opposition leader Woo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing wildly if we were to be carefully pounded. So we were hiding permanently for our kinky safety," grunted one hostage.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Only in the famed Greene Labs could something like gas power be created. Greene Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Carrow--a rival in the field--claimed that Greene Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.