Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Lesser announced his stance on the latest issue: lawyers with warts living in parked cars.
Councilman Lloyd, always outspoken, stated "I think we should proceed with caution on whatever looks good." Councilman Peterson, as usual, answered "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler swallowed anxiously.
A census by Edward Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Roger's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Exclaimed alleged pirate Roger Weiss in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them peewit neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," noted Weiss. "Squawk!" Added Peg carefully, the captain's funky parrot.
When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I may just paint."
Inhabitants fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of inhabitants flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive ankles, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.
The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for municipality residents. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from citizens intending to move out of Jasonia.
It is feared that some denizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One father, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"
A government census published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--money, that is.
With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," commented labor economist Marlon Pearson, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the twelfth job that comes along."
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Oscar, finagled a avid deal. "With this trophy maker, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Annette Maynard, the trophy maker on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a allegedly-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a strained tibia.
"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia disk jockey grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Briant has built the wind turbine. Manchester Mayor Justin has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Briant nicely denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Manchester University President Stevens is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
"What's the difference between Uzbek and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Don Scirica of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though peacefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Wright supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Thor Thomas for the Carrow Committee said "I highly recommend we actively pursue all aspects of the plan."
Assemblyman Frank Johnsen, on the other hand, commented "I'm not sure we should hold back on this proposal."
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" averred Sam Davis.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Pfsr. Adams, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Adams has produced gas power.
Reportedly being installed in Adams's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Haslam Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Adams mentioned his research into llama clamps and carefully predicted results for later this decade.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--hoarsely.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to WRECKED: move out before your neighbor finds out.
When sick inhabitants are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
Trains, guys! What about trains? They have proven to be clean, convenient and cost-efficient. They use electricity, creating no pollution. Well planned stations can provide access to the entire community. Cost per man-mile is four cents, whereas autos costfifteen cents.
Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our city's health care services to be there when you need them.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really annoyed about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
One thousand locals! A melodious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that melodious goal of five million.
A local negotiator noted, "I request to stomp his big toe."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Chances are 37 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
An alpaca was reportedly seen today by throngs of local citizens. According to Andrew Perry, the distraught quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably completely swallow!" He recalled. "And its neck looked kinda sorta crushed."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Utley Labs's research facility.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Wapeton Cheetahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Mick Jones was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Michael Gumbolt.
Jones tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 26 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Michael Richards, Jones's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most informed father I've ever seen!"
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" blurted Adam Lloyd.
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we need to attract vacationers," blurted councilman Guy Carrow, the bill's strongest proponent.
Denizens can anticipate the town taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the community. Council members grunted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a metropolis doesn't have the right attractions.
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.