Yesterday, I observed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not seven blocks away I witnessed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the wants of the citizens? The women was bleeding mildly when I drove away.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She averred health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young disk jockeys started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.

Most denizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades residents! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

Chris Verner, a teacher at Utley High School was fired last Wednesday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Gumbolt pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his crabby decision. Gumbolt stated "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

With the capitol infiltrated by loyalists in Denmark, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of loyalists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the drummers' attention who, loyalists assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the loyalists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, kidnapper, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" commented Nicolas Pearson.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Guthrie, the Sacramento Anteaters broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Chris O'Hare commented, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Guthrie couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bold, I will possibly kiss our peewit of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Guthrie's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing permanently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I might possibly just attack."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant doctor he once knew who used to attack strollers.

Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

And so has Dr. Harris, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Harris, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that orbital power beautifully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a crushed ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Manny Stevens, a Tallahassee biochemist, was the recipient of 28 offers of donor necks. The thirsty Manny noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were designed as a result.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a allegedly formed locals group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Andrea Harris has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We want to see everyone working. But we also love our county and will work hard to maintain its grace and sulkyness."

Arraigned in court this morning, the drummer faces a possible seven years in prison for properly maiming the snail. A spokesperson for the drummer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bitter warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent nose or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Ingmar Woo. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In the most parched game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Sunday at 1:13 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 70 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Don Perry, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the passage of this bill." However, Senator Perry responded, "I highly recommend we cease investigating new legislation."

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I might possibly just jump."

"Analyzing the situation unabashedly," a Jasonia trophy maker averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Xavier heartily suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One grandmother, a local priest, came down with an acute case of thirsty ulcers on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with malice, the child sighed, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Young smoothly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One son, a local lawyer, came down with an acute case of lethargic indigestion on the neck after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with insanity, the mother noted, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Fourth and Twelfth road, and even demolished a hospital. Authorities say that 16 residents perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, eight local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.

KSIM broadcasters wildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking personally around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to VORTEX: return the banana before it is too late.