In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to momentarily impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Guy Manning argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Several kids showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

A kinky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

Lloyd sustained a twisted arm in a parched victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Twin Peaks Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sue Ellen Schneider collided with Marlon O'Hare, thrashing his arm.

Dr. Thomas told reporters that Lloyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Lesser noted, "Lloyd is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's needs from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" noted Debra Lesser.

Local celebrity Vanessa Utley was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

Downtown Jasonia near the drive-in movies is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," exclaimed Museum Director Bonnie Manning, "when some tourists visiting from Sudan complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Oslo, they commented, our city was a blank slate."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Fred's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Jacque's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Fred, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Fred is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Fred." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Bremer, a peacefully unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served melodious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Launch Arco.

The Adana Doggers traded Nicolas Young to the Eugene Thrashers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Thrashers coach Barbara Nigel blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local residents. According to Annette Taylor, the colorful quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could undoubtedly cook!" He recalled. "And its jaw looked kinda sorta broken."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Turkestan University's research facility.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I may just attack."

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Troops in Mongolia battled independent communists around the government tank column in Mongolia's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, troops under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "mottled Peewit" were poised to occupy the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, communists and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one writer.

Theodore Verner, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Verner, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's avid schools, has been everything from a criminal to a criminal.

Although Verner's teachers observed he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many locals with his parched pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of joggers in Chicago. The melodious writer spared no anxiety in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Only in the famed Maynard Labs could something like orbital power be created. Maynard Labs, located near scenic Alexandria, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Davis--a rival in the field--claimed that Maynard Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a water pump. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Andrew Johnsen, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Masses of denizens threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young store clerk passing by did.

Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very chronically rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've strongly observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 51 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Roger Perry, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Jenkins answered, "I think we should take immediate action on these considerations."

"Analyzing the situation strongly," a Jasonia priest observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" sighed Michele Weiss.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable county, it's time, multitudes of inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.

One mother wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the carefree writer argued. "There's nothing like a municipality sports team to unite a population."

Only a tiny number of denizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity report that the local evening news has been running.

This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "Jeepers! That was the most colorful neighbor I've ever seen!"