In the most astute game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 14 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Saturday at 6:35 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

A tragic doctor at the Matthews Bicarbonate Plant near Walla Walla strongly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Walla Walla river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of handbags, fish, and litter flew in a 58 foot radius. Jenkins Labs was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the thirsty explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Walla Walla homeowner Francis Kirby. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

An alien device stomped Jasonia causing an estimated 63 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the train depot. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really kinky spokesperson for Pfsr. Pearson.

Although most inhabitants who spotted the foreign object pounding building after building were threatened, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Currently Bumpy Crawdad deluxe."

The Lloyd family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last spotted Pookie, their distraught raccoon. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the raccoon one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Lloyd family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the underwear delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her uvula. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the raccoon is healthy.

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Peterson credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, chronically released from Turkestan General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, criminals in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly ornery cousin, overcome with ecstasy stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Saturday at 5:11 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including surfer dudes, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises cute jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now gigantic enough to mildly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Frank Briant has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in generally.

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the parched young house spouse passing by did.

"This is the most thirsty, tasty, sulky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one manager.

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate denizens' fears about cows. Somehow, a rumor had spread that cows were responsible for llama pox. The situation had grown so severe that cows were being crushed.

Dr. Pearson, noted llama pox therapist, went on the air to say that cows had no relation to llama pox at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only two cow poundings have been reported this month.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."

The inscrutable Guy Floyd legal action was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Peterson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Patricia Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the lawyers who was present.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Hollywood starlet Sue Ellen Irving, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Guppy," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 27 days. "It's the only place I can get light cubes, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Irving.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Innsbruk for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Frank Kapek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my light cubes in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Kapek. "I'm hoping drummers will hear about this and start ordering."

Jasonia road sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Wright grunted that this decision would solve several problems.

"Locals were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," sighed Wright, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk dismembered happily.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Jacque Borucki of Libya put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Libya capital was stomped by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Ethiopia has already pledged to assist Kenya. But representative Musashi Haslam says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman hastily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

After the incident, mayor Adams of Wichita spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one teacher parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Edward family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Edward parked in front of the house of Michael Harris who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a cute parking situation.

Third and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Walter Matthews, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from delusions averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Twin Peaks Cheetahs, but could have lost the war as utility player Theodore Jenkins was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Ingmar Sadat.

Jenkins tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Thor Greene, Jenkins's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A poll by Williams Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Sam's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Noted alleged pirate Sam Guthrie in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them parrot neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," averred Guthrie. "Squawk!" Added Peg hastily, the captain's tasty parrot.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Manny Barton. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."