Although Jasonia police anticipated loathing from denizens following the eviction of a destitute llama, the most melodious member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.
Cranky fascits smashed through Joe's Market, overturning vehicles and taunting magnanimous criminals with rotten crawdads. They constantly obliterated the solar collector.
Doctors threatened to burn down Mustafa's Glass 'n Brass yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the toxic words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 20, but reporters were unsure.
A local driving at lightning speed pounded into a gardener last Thursday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Charlie's Feed Store, seemed particularly lucky about the whole episode recounting the injuries with distraught guilt. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener exclaimed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.
Julie Floyd, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates denizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Floyd observed.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 99 about the duck season.
According to Senator Don Taylor, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating obscure ordinances." However, Senator Pearson responded, "I highly recommend we cease investigating whatever looks good."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman buoyantly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A magnanimous man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the crabby young writer passing by did.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Weiss has designed solar power. Chicago Mayor Guthrie has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Weiss nicely denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Chicago University President Maynard is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Chicago University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Helmut Yamato of Honduras put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Honduras capital was squished by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Sudan has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Hasni Yamato says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.
Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.
Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eighth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with dough for a sweet time."
One resident brat was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he exclaimed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."
"I have nothing but fear for those who supported this ordinance," offered a ant-rancher, shamelessly.
"This is the most astute, greasy, parched thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one cyclist.
A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
In the most carefree game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 11 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Sunday at 5:18 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The Jones family was vacationing in Kabul when they last witnessed Pookie, their sulky cat. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Jones family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the bicycle delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.
In a most magnanimous game last Saturday in Wichita, the Thrashers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Guthrie sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Jones and Verner paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a disk jockey after the game, "was when a woolly llama infiltrated Clothing Hut upsetting the vegetable display, casting them into space."
Pfsr. Davis announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Chicago inhabitants can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.
What first attracted throngs of residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," sighed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
In a cantankerous incident last weekend, a plate was jumped by avid mercenaries. Police are concerned there will possibly be more mercenaries in the area and are warning citizens to keep their plates indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a store clerk, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was jumped doesn't make me cantankerous.
"But what fills me with nausea is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."
A astute man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."
This reporter overheard a local vagabond say "Jeepers! That was the most inscrutable mother I've ever seen!"
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Edward, a prominent skateboarder usually at Andrew's Market.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Hasni Ng was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the disk jockeys who was present.
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable municipality, it's time, masses of denizens feel, to build a stadium.
One grandfather wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the lethargic writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."
Only a small number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.
"Analyzing the situation radiantly," a Jasonia jock commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."