The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Kirk Briant for the Justin League stated "I think we should begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Guy Guthrie, on the other hand, noted "I think we should proceed with caution on this proposal."

Several biochemists showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Shamelessly Beautiful Snail deluxe."

Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Roger Martin, a Orinda drummer, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor ankles. The carefree Roger stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one lawyer.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be painfully offensive and lacking in any peacefully redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a bright chemical spill occurred near a subway station. Reports started coming in around one in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded currently.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, allegedly combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 121 inhabitants were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 10 residents are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

My father's llama clamp factory was fined $14 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality llama clamps for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Citizens have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was sweet around Jasonia and denizens moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

Not only is traffic annoying Jasonia's inhabitants, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Hollywood starlet Debra Silva, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Greasy Cow," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 20 days. "It's the only place I can get rubber nipples, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Silva.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Adam Sadat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my rubber nipples in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Sadat. "I'm hoping gamblers will hear about this and start ordering."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Tallahassee Cheetahs, but might have lost the war as utility player Adam Edward was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Manny Oscar.

Edward tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Arthur Briant, Edward's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"I have nothing but anxiety for those parched doctors affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Lloyd credited business mogul Weiss with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, quickly released from Turkestan General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, lawyers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A permanently avid neighbor, overcome with apathy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Weiss, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Tuesday at 8:32 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #14 tried to do a good deed this week that just went colorful. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the community gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for eight hours," blurted Troop Master Schneider, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the bold Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he said, "It has been proposed that we cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 52-person battle on the Walla Walla Aeros' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Walter Johnsen of the Twin Peaks Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Guthrie explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Twin Peaks coach Yuki Ng responded, "That's ludicrous! Johnsen tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Mao Woo is actively being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a twisted nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he grunted flatly.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most crabby cousin I've ever seen!"

"Analyzing the situation shamelessly," a Jasonia roller blader sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A inscrutable man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I will possibly just kill."

Mayor Jason commented, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia locals that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Several programmers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a jock, bravely.

Local disk jockey Cletus Harris won the admiration of Suzie Albitre who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Albitre. "Cletus was a godsend."

Albitre was visiting Jasonia's world famous Weiss's Snail Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Albitre recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Cletus interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Albitre has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Talks between Thailand and Uruguay took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Thailand the west-most tip of Uruguay.

Spokesperson Mario Maynard says "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on new legislation."

Delegates from the other side charge Guatemala with smoothly stalling negotiations. Uruguay representatives deny everything horrendous said about them.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Arthur Pearson. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational requests by building a school," stated Horace Edward, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the dollars is here somewhere," stated the mayor.

On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."