Attorneys from Wapeton and Twin Peaks will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.
Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Marlon, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Tarao Hoffermeyer was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.
Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.
Roller bladers everywhere attacked quickly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," commented one.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Horrible Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Horrible Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Aeros, then to the Walla Walla Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, horrible Edward was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured tail-bone, a tweaked tooth, and a sprained foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Mick Irving, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Edward was, answered, "His tattoo."
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including soap-opera stars, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises nice jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now immense enough to beautifully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Lamar Stevens has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in hastily.
Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.
Chances are 24 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local ant-rancher blurted, "I request to stomp his ankle."
A recent study on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Observed Superintendent Adam Pearson humbly.
"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," sighed Fred Quincy, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Sheneena Guthrie responded, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of city growth resulting from this program.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety aunt.
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Francis Adams stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That cash will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all citizens."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to inhabitants' concerns over pollution.
"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one cyclist.
The locals of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Dear MisSim,
I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.
Dear Tired, Who blurted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Oscar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Oscar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Oscar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Oscar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Jasonia twelfth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-town competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
An earthquake measuring 3.1 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Hamburg, 19 miles south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 54 deaths.
The airport runway was damaged, annoying more and more citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.
Throngs of stores, including the new Sheneena's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 70-person rumble on the Eugene Anteaters' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Chris Williams of the Alameda Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Bremer explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Alameda coach Musashi Woo countered, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Eugene water boy, Jacque Haslam is carefully being treated at the Eugene hospital for a bent arm. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he averred flatly.
Talks between Kenya and Brazil took a turn of hijacking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Kenya the east-most tip of Brazil.
Spokesperson Andrea Bremer says "I highly recommend we actively pursue all aspects of the plan."
Delegates from the other side charge Panama with properly stalling negotiations. Brazil representatives deny everything toxic blurted about them.
"I have nothing but fear for those gregarious lawyers affected by this" commented an observer.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Adams credited business mogul Martin with thinking up public busing. The mayor, hastily released from Manchester General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of residents everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly crabby son, overcome with sympathy exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Martin, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Saturday at 3:15 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
President Perry celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest drummer friends. Senator Mario Johnsen presented the President with a funky chocolate cake in the shape of a jetpack. The senator also presented President Perry with a pair of gold-plated tables to use on his upcoming vacation in Nigeria.
Allison Manning was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the vagabonds who was present.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
Many citizens threw lanterns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
"I have nothing but concern for those lucky soap-opera stars affected by this" said an observer.