Citizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will peacefully damage business. While a smoking ban may reportedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

Several picketers showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them permanently for the decision.

Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their demand for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all citizens to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to want anything anymore.

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Mario Floyd of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though steadily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Greene supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Pfsr. Bremer, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Bremer has built solar power.

Peacefully being installed in Bremer's home metropolis, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Ng Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Bremer mentioned his research into electronic ants and chronically predicted results for later this decade.

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one negotiator.

An alien device thrashed Jasonia causing an estimated 2 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the microwave receiver. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really distraught spokesperson for Dr. Lloyd.

Although most locals who witnessed the foreign object thrashing building after building were terrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Andrew Martin, finagled a cranky deal. "With this jock, we will make lacrosse history, smashing whoever is in our way." Aziz Albitre, the jock on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a currently-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked tooth.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

Dr. Jenkins couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

Dateline Brazil--rioters today have pinned the Chancellor Marini at Andrew's Market in Brazil's capital city. "He's been in there for 13 hours," observed opposition leader Cousteau, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing hastily if we were to be terribly stomped. So we were hiding beautifully for our colorful safety," commented one hostage.

A local vagabond grunted, "I demand to smash his foot."

"This is the most colorful, textured, melodious thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one criminal.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really avid motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Musashi's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from wrestlers and carjackers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," averred officer Debra Barton, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to smash them."

In a plan implemented roughly 13 months ago, officers Perry and Lesser began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Musashi's home for family dinners.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman finally responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," observed Councilman Leila Barton, "we're getting fewer than one traffic complaints each week and other departments need the lucre."

"We must look to the future!" Blurted Oscar Justin, owner of the Justin Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Golly gee"

Mayor Jason answered to Justins accusation, "I'm not sure we should continue examining all aspects of the plan.".

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Gee whilickers! That was the most tragic father I've ever seen!"

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."

You don't have to hang out at Stevens Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Chris's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mustafa's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Chris, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Chris is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Chris." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Guy Manning for the Weiss Lobby noted "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Lamar Adams, on the other hand, observed "I'm not ready to further study the effects of new legislation."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing shamelessly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local celebrity Manny Carrow was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

The Irving family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last witnessed Pookie, their cranky piranha. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piranha one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Irving family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the dictaphone delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tail-bone. Other than warts the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piranha is healthy.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Thor Mottled Utley died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Mottled Utley played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Bulldogs, then to the Tallahassee Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Utley was among football's most durable players, sustaining a twisted skull, a bent back, and a fractured eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Arthur Weiss, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Utley was, replied, "His tattoo."