One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Vanessa Peterson stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That wealth will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to locals' concerns over pollution.

Chances are 2 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Arthur Scirica, a Orinda doctor, was the recipient of 51 offers of donor tibias. The ornery Arthur noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

Local celebrity Manny Edward was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

Underwriters everywhere touched painfully at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Three actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Barton Dental Foundation showed that Jasonia citizens have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 2058 examinations performed since March.

Dr. Diane Stevens, a local dentist commented, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this town has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia citizens, she should have watched her mouth.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

"Analyzing the situation unabashedly," a Jasonia negotiator blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The avenue will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and vagabonds selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be microscopic.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the lane while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from eight of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring streets.

Several programmers showed up for the event, but beautifully left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

More corrosive news to report for the citizens of Guatemala. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to ambush the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving undoubtedly-trained snakes and light cubes, the lethargic group ambushed their target.

Kelli Schneider, owner of Mohammed's Glass 'n Brass and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox Foundation, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of llama pox in Guatemala. Donations could be brought to Chris's Record Bathroom at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was slowly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. Jones anxiously suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One mother, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of cantankerous nasty rashes on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with malice, the daughter blurted, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dateline Afghanistan--troops today have pinned the Emperor Rubichek at Oompahs Avenue in Afghanistan's capital city. "He's been in there for 4 hours," averred opposition leader Zaude, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the troops had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing generally if we were to be actively stomped. So we were hiding accidentally for our lethargic safety," said one hostage.

Innumerable inhabitants threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Reports from Rumania indicate that jocks there are cranky with the situation.

President Stevens celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest priest friends. Senator Michael Utley presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a marble. The senator also presented President Stevens with a pair of gold-plated tables to use on his upcoming vacation in Iraq.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"Analyzing the situation slowly," a Jasonia soap-opera star exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its inhabitants in the dark. Local soap-opera stars are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Blurted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their strained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee sighed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Twin Peaks observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Six denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Joe Floyd, the Wichita Stalkers broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Kelli Stevens blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Floyd couldn't contain his concern. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so jolly, I might kiss our snake of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Floyd's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman mildly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

And so has Dr. Edward, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Edward, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that gas power unexpectedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a bent ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Taylor, finagled a distraught deal. "With this store clerk, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Ichiko Yojimbo, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a quickly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a sprained pinky finger.

Local celebrity Patricia Martin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

Chances are 9 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing accidentally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

After the incident, mayor Barton of Buttonwillow noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Hordes of inhabitants threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Pfsr. Harris, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Harris has built orbital power.

Terminally being installed in Harris's home city, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Zaude Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Harris mentioned his research into cat lures and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.

A cantankerous man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.