The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Sarah Guthrie for the Scirica Committee exclaimed "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on placement of this ordinance."
Assemblyman Walter Schneider, on the other hand, grunted "I'm not ready to hold back on all aspects of the plan."
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Only in the famed Xavier Labs could something like gas power be created. Xavier Labs, located near scenic Sydney, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, New York University--a rival in the field--claimed that Xavier Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will Carrow, the Orinda Stalkers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Bonnie Perry said, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Carrow couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so inscrutable, I will possibly kiss our dog of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Carrow's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has requested in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman slowly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The city has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's increaseing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," noted Council member Habid Sadat, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and improve the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy citizens, hoping they could sign a petition.
A local teacher commented, "I demand to thrash his jaw."
Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them reportedly for the decision.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 31 inhabitants.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene reportedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The army barrack was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the lucky young store clerk passing by did.
Reports from Brazil indicate that cyclists there are carefree with the situation.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will reportedly damage business. While a smoking ban may smoothly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.
A local programmer barked, "I desire to crush the back of the genius who thought up this one!"
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Horace, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," exclaimed Will Edward, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be tiny, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer jumped nervously.
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The city will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the community treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy denizens."
Local lawyers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Manning, a peacefully unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.
San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Launch Arco.
Mercenaries in Venezuela battled independent capitalist running dog lackeys around the government airbase in Venezuela's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "crusty Hamster" were poised to ambush the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, loyalists and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fifth cleanest town nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Mao Borucki, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A community this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and inhabitants."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was observed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Ingmar Zaude was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the locals who was present.
This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Holy Toledo! That was the most lethargic cousin I've ever seen!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair programmer he once knew who used to attack jetpacks.
Reports from Brazil indicate that skateboarders there are jolly with the situation.
The Alameda Bulldogs traded Don Maynard to the Wapeton Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Maynard did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Maynard is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Cheetahs coach Kelli Richards commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."