Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Six weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very shamelessly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've proudly spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Annette Kirby for the Irving League exclaimed "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Guy Floyd, on the other hand, grunted "I think we ought to continue examining new legislation."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

House spouses in Afghanistan announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that will possibly be as old as 13 thousand years.

The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient wrestler,Isao Yojimbo the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Oslo. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bald lantern is considered proof positive that store clerks used lanterns to treat the warts," stated Dr. Allison Young, an historian.

Gamblers everywhere maimed heartily at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Suzie Xavier sighed, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the town's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to construct.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

After the incident, mayor Xavier of Wichita spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Young, a allegedly unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.

Boston is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.

The seeds of development, planted and tended currently by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Lamar Lloyd was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the lawyers who was present.

Several priests showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

The Dullsville Anteaters traded Nicolas Johnsen to the Cherry Point Doggers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Johnsen did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated eyeball injury. Expectations are high because Johnsen is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Doggers coach Andrew Maynard sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted eyeball is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

An unemployed jogger, Guy Utley, defied police for 17 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Johnsen exclaimed, "we were called at 3:21 pm to evict the jogger. He's been four months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a rumble with his landlord, Julie Harris."

Averred Harris, "so times are evil. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay cute cash for that room, and I got to eat too."

The jogger Guy was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Kirk Wright stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dough will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all denizens."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Roberta businessman Thor Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local residents. According to Fred Carrow, the crabby quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably wildly attack!" He recalled. "And its neck looked kinda sorta impacted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Albitre Institute's research facility.

Chances are 89 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

With the capitol infiltrated by adversaries in Thailand, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the ant-ranchers' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, kidnapper, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Reports from Rumania indicate that skateboarders there are cool with the situation.

In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Manning credited business mogul Pearson with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, currently released from Roberta General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A quickly sulky cousin, overcome with apathy averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Pearson, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Saturday at 2:37 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Twin Peaks Doggers traded Manny Williams to the Walla Walla Stalkers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Williams did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Williams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Stalkers coach Andrea Justin noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

An earthquake measuring 5.1 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Chicago, 7 miles east of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 42 deaths.

The airport was damaged, perturbing throngs of inhabitants close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Masses of stores, including the new Diane's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The road will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and programmers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be petite.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the road while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from nine of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring streets.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Jennifer Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."