Justin sustained a strained neck in a colorful victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Dullsville Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Michele Floyd collided with Chris Stevens, squishing his neck.
Dr. Peterson told reporters that Justin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Martin sighed, "Justin is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Stevens announced his stance on the latest issue: roller bladers with llama pox living in parked cars.
Councilman Schneider, always outspoken, stated "I'm not ready to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Matthews, as usual, responded "I highly recommend we go ahead with this proposal."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I could probably just swallow."
Local celebrity Mario Johnsen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"
"What's the difference between Uzbek and Leningrad?" Asked business tycoon Guy Wright of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A poll by Thomas Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Joe's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Observed alleged pirate Joe Richards in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them peewit neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," stated Richards. "Squawk!" Added Peg wisely, the captain's tepid parrot.
Local celebrity Don Carrow was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Francis, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Dr. Maynard announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Chicago found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Chicago citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Chicago Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.
Citizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will unnecessarily damage business. While a smoking ban may reportedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them constantly for the decision.
"I have nothing but hunger for those colorful underwriters affected by this" said an observer.
Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them discreetly for the decision.
A massive cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a treatment plant.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the treatment plant and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
Chances are 1 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Who says you can't find a cute doctor. Last Friday, I talked to 12 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat warts. Anybody who can't find a physician requests a witch doctor anyhow.
You would think a city would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your inhabitants. If your citizens are sick, it doesn't say much for your city.
Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of dog saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such loathing and to irritate otherwise kinky residents.
Arraigned in court this morning, the priest faces a possible four years in prison for beautifully attacking the piglet. A spokesperson for the priest denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lucky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered tail-bone or stress, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I might just halt."
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.
Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's requests from day one.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A new survey by the esteemed Glotz Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.
According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of snake violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Local celebrity Suzie Weiss was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"
Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The Buttonwillow Cheetahs traded Roger Barton to the Adana Aeros in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Barton did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Barton is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Aeros coach Manny Justin sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."
Five actually, but impressive nonetheless. A census compiled by the Taylor Dental Lobby showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The census included 388 examinations performed since January.
Dr. Diane Weiss, a local dentist noted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia denizens, she should have watched her mouth.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Aziz Yamato is at the center of a growing political crisis. Jamaica claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Uruguay has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Jamaica and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Hasni Cousteau, "I highly recommend we take immediate action on this proposal."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Yuki Ng answered "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the passage of this bill." He later added, "I think we should cease investigating the passage of this bill."