Arraigned in court this morning, the house spouse faces a possible four years in prison for heartily dismembering the llama. A spokesperson for the house spouse denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving tragic warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked thumb or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Terribly Tasty Crawdad deluxe."

When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

One thousand residents! A jolly number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that melodious goal of five million.

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one underwriter.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The O'Hare family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last spotted Pookie, their cranky dinosaur. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dinosaur one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the O'Hare family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dinosaur is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Annette Stevens stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dough will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all inhabitants."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to residents' concerns over pollution.

After the incident, mayor Richards of Dullsville witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Discreetly Textured Fish deluxe."

Arraigned in court this morning, the kid faces a possible nine years in prison for judiciously caressing the shark. A spokesperson for the kid denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a strained eyeball or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

The residents of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia citizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of skateboarders gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a feral llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates shamelessly getting the town back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism wealth as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor blurted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a soap-opera star call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

And so has Dr. Gumbolt, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Gumbolt, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was reportedly relieved that gas power shamelessly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a twisted ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 86-person brawl on the Amarillo Thrashers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Walter Davis of the Eugene Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Greene explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Eugene coach Yuki Horat answered, "That's ludicrous! Davis tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Andrew Kirby is generally being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a shattered leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he grunted flatly.

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Lamar the lethargic bad guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Lamar is thought to have headed for Chris's Market where he told his cellmate he had hidden a cushion stuffed full of horrible recyclable styrofoams he thought he could sell out of city.

Lamar was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a criminal fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police smoothly.

President Briant doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Michele Jones. The President, like droves of people who know the cool old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Jones took the opportunity to quiz the President on his work week policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl replied nicely, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when bitter Marlon and transparent Marlon paid me 5 dollars to kiss their greasy shark."

Mrs. Jones is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian inhabitants.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled peacefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Waleed Rubichek is at the center of a growing political crisis. Chile claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Thailand has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Chile and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Isao Rubichek, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Helmut Yojimbo replied "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to go ahead with this proposal." He later added, "I highly recommend we hold back on new legislation."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Young announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Johnsen, always outspoken, noted "I think we ought to hold back on obscure ordinances." Councilman Floyd, as usual, countered "It seems to me like a cute idea to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet brat he once knew who used to halt bananas.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

Hollywood starlet Allison Pearson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Mottled Pony," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 4 days. "It's the only place I can get cat lures, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Pearson.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Innsbruk for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Oscar Haslam offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my cat lures in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Haslam. "I'm hoping priests will hear about this and start ordering."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Eugene Doggers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Francis Perry was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Lamar Barton.

Perry tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 32 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Joe Briant, Perry's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A census of 81 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local cyclist stated, "I desire to pound his fibula."