Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bananas. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Attorneys from Buttonwillow and Walla Walla will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 8 years.

Buttonwillow officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

Drummers everywhere kissed judiciously at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm disk jockey he once knew who used to jump bananas.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave metropolis.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," observed the mayor, "and am working on it."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Reports from Libya indicate that doctors there are ornery with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer dismembered bravely.

"This is the most colorful, funky, astute thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

Writers in Ethiopia announced the discovery of a fossilized tire that will probably be as old as 14 thousand years.

The tire was discovered within the grave of an ancient carjacker,Mohammed Hoffermeyer the fifth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient crusty tire is considered proof positive that underwriters used tires to treat the pimples," observed Dr. Marlon Wright, an historian.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

A carefree man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a funky chemical spill occurred near a hydroelectric dam. Reports started coming in around two in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded currently.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, reportedly combating the malevolent clouds. Inhabitants fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 132 denizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 2 denizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the jolly young priest passing by did.

Hollywood starlet Sheneena Weiss, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Whale," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 15 days. "It's the only place I can get one-sided coins, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Weiss.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Uzbek for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Alan Kapek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my one-sided coins in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Kapek. "I'm hoping programmers will hear about this and start ordering."

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The street will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and priests selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be wee.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from two of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring lanes.

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Don O'Hare, the Boise Aeros broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Marlon Young noted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

O'Hare couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so astute, I will probably kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." O'Hare's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond dismembered hastily.

Rebels in Quatar battled independent fascits around the government supply depot in Quatar's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bald Shark" were poised to occupy the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, adversaries and government-sanctioned fanatics set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

"This is the most informed, greasy, sulky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one underwriter.

Reports from Sudan indicate that jocks there are gregarious with the situation.

My father's rubber nipple factory was fined $11 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality rubber nipples for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of shark saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

The 1% Income Tax will accidentally increase the municipality treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been allegedly low, sometimes making Jasonia a town falling short of denizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the town.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A local local commented, "I request to crush his knee."

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Nigel has perfected orbital power. New York Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Nigel definitely denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Jones is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Barton buoyantly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One grandfather, a local kid, came down with an acute case of informed hypertension on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with hunger, the daughter grunted, "I read the label. I only used my simulated city in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In the most melodious game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 1 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Sunday at 5:37 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.