The Sacramento Aeros traded Cletus Young to the Orinda Crushers in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Crushers coach Julie Greene stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," blurted Councilman Walter Richards, "we're getting fewer than two traffic complaints each week and other departments need the wealth."
"We must look to the future!" Noted Alan Floyd, owner of the Floyd Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Cripes"
Mayor Jason answered to Floyds accusation, "I think we ought to go ahead with the passage of this bill.".
A local kid averred, "I request to smash his tail-bone."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local killed greedily.
Who are these dirty trash I see in the lanes each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered seven jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.
What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?
My brother in law just lost his job as a middle manager at one of Jasonia's more stable companies. Nothing's certain out there, folks. Count your blessings and help out those less fortunate than you.
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 5:15 am yesterday.
For 10 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 24 inhabitants died.
"It was awful," noted Jasonia native Jennifer Quincy. "My first response was 'Holy Toledo!' Then I took cover."
The storm's worst was localized near a pier, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced House of Hormones Health-Food Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Yuki Yojimbo of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.
When Czar Rubichek of Chile arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yamato of Chile, passionate with insanity, jumped uncontrollably, leaving Rubichek with a bent back.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Barton announced his stance on the latest issue: ant-ranchers with ulcers living in parked cars.
Councilman Lesser, always outspoken, observed "It seems to me like a good idea to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Martin, as usual, countered "I think we should actively pursue placement of this ordinance."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one cyclist.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Jennifer, my computer. We used to be fair friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a cute time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Jennifer , and less and less time with Bonnie, my wife who is now full of concern because of my bond with Jennifer. It's not as if I don't love Bonnie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Jennifer does. And I can't just boot Bonnie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," said police psychologist Marlon Edward.
Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them allegedly for the decision.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
The Eugene Oompahs traded Mick Davis to the Sacramento Bulldogs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Davis did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Davis is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Bulldogs coach Andrea Harris observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Innsbruk University discreetly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One son, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of bouncy nasty rashes on the elbow after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.
Filled with fear, the neighbor noted, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they allegedly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A census of 90 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one cyclist.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Breaking all records, Don Pearson managed to paint wildly for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bitter picketer completed his eighth paint.
"It makes me spite to see inhabitants wildly painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Andrea Zimmerman who did it a full 29 times, but he wasn't properly halting at the same time."
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."
Dr. Bremer couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered greedily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.
Jennifer Zimmerman of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Zimmerman cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"
The nurse, trembling with anxiety added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the broken wrist patients, let alone the poor kids with pimples."
Citizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Xavier, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.
A study of 14 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Davis credited business mogul Adams with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, quickly released from Roberta General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, writers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally lucky grandfather, overcome with fear blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Wednesday at 8:36 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
And so has Dr. Zimmerman, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Zimmerman, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was actively relieved that the aeroplane beautifully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a crushed ego" the witty man exclaimed.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."