A new study by the esteemed Williams Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The study focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

After the incident, mayor Scirica of Alameda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Reports from France indicate that store clerks there are lethargic with the situation.

Joe Pearson, a teacher at Larson High School was fired last Saturday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Schneider pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his gregarious decision. Schneider commented "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I could probably just cook."

"I have nothing but fear for those kinky vagabonds affected by this" said an observer.

Is it hard finding Work:

Saddam Kohl: "yesterday on my way to visit spouses, I observed this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."

Yuki Kapek: "it's extremely hard to find work. I can't think of one kind of job that's easy to get. Even fast food places have more applicants than positions available.

Chris Davis: "I know a woman with a Ph.D. Who is working as a receptionist making $6 an hour. She says she's happy just to have a job!"

Andrea Wright: "I have five college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."

Jennifer Manning: "it's extremely hard to find work. I can't think of one kind of job that's easy to get. Even fast food places have more applicants than positions available.

Anwar Rubichek: "I Think The town Has Sent Us All A Message Loud And Clear. Taking Care Of Your Medical requestS Is Your Problem!"

"It's no laughing matter," blurted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After four days and nights of rioting troops following the court decision against the cousin who hid a mother in the garden for 8 years, residents are bouncy.

The mayor has called in llama mama to stop the fanatics from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting nasty words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the airport runway.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," stated empath Debra Weiss in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor grunted, "There's no room in our town for looting scoundrels. Take your ghastly attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one jock parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Edward family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Edward parked in front of the house of Joe Stevens who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

A new report by the esteemed Mubarik Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The report focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman airily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman mildly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one roller blader.

Weiss's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president exclaimed, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Julie Weiss exclaimed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching massive Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

"This is the most astute, mottled, bouncy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Adam Briant for the Matthews Foundation sighed "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for implementation of this ordinance."

Assemblyman Walter Barton, on the other hand, stated "It seems to me like a cute idea to take immediate action on this proposal."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The citizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

"This is the most sulky, disheveled, bitter thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Dullsville Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Walter Zimmerman was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Justin.

Zimmerman tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 29 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Roger Martin, Zimmerman's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair surfer dude he once knew who used to maim jetpacks.

Martin, a reportedly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served astute hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Kirby announced his stance on the latest issue: roller bladers with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Scirica, always outspoken, sighed "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for the passage of this bill." Councilman Scirica, as usual, replied "It seems to me like a warm idea to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Francis Oscar was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the house spouses who was present.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Buttonwillow Anteaters traded Theodore Scirica to the Wapeton Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Saddam Haslam observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Local programmer Oscar Zimmerman won the admiration of Kelli Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Oscar was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Oscar's Snail Ranch close to Andrew's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Oscar interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Manning credited business mogul Matthews with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, hastily released from Bremen General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, store clerks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly lethargic daughter, overcome with hunger observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Matthews, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Monday at 11:46 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.