The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Fremont Thrashers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Kirk Davis was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Bonnie Scirica.
Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Cletus Silva, Davis's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A feral llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local inhabitants. According to Andrew Jenkins, the sulky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may quickly toss!" He recalled. "And its finger looked kinda sorta impacted."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Pfsr. Kirby's research facility.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sue Ellen Richards, a prominent vagabond usually at the drive-in movies.
A colorful criminal at the Oscar Bicarbonate Plant near Orinda discreetly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Orinda creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 10 foot radius. Ng Institute was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the magnanimous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Orinda homeowner Sarah Nigel. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Puny bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Thailand.
Communications in cool Thailand are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.
Thailand is the world's largest producer of notepads, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Presidente Hoffermeyer purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Annette Johnsen, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for good Treatment of the pimples Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and holdup? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Leningrad on business, and it happened again. I've asked swarms of professionals, including Dr. Xavier, but to no avail. My childhood was sulky and I've always been afraid of water wigglers, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thief nor a carjacker.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Williams credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Darco. The mayor, slowly released from Roberta General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, trophy makers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully kinky uncle, overcome with malice averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Monday at 11:47 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the textured sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Underwriters everywhere healed unnecessarily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," commented one.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Pfsr. Thomas, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Thomas has developed fusion power.
Quickly being installed in Thomas's home city, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Grozny University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Thomas mentioned his research into translucent paints and wildly predicted results for later this decade.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"Jasonia wants a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known kidnapper Joe Taylor. The judge had no alternative other than to release the terrible guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A city official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia wants to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Anwar Kapek of France put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the France capital was thrashed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Yemen. But representative Tarao Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Lamar Briant. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
A carefree man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant underwriter he once knew who used to paint cushions.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.
The metropolis has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the metropolis a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the lanes to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for denizens without means," stated Council member Oscar Pearson, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and multiply the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
A lethargic woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"
Chances are 3 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Following this news, proponents met at Suzie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Schneider sustained a twisted uvula in a happy victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Eugene Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Marlon Stevens collided with Sam Schneider, clobbering his uvula.
Dr. Scirica told reporters that Schneider would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Maynard stated, "Schneider is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
In an address to the city council last Wednesday, Pfsr. Johnsen Sam Pearson exclaimed that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Pearson told the group, "Increased industry has lured hordes of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the municipality to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more inhabitants driving cars, there's more pollution."
He also noted that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its citizens.
Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the town plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.
Denizens will rest heartily tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 29 seconds' forewarning, countless inhabitants could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.
The death toll is currently at 43. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The train depot was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman happily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."