In a most colorful game last Saturday in Walla Walla, the Thrashers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Quincy sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Barton and Oscar cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a jock after the game, "was when a spitting llama ambushed Andrew's Record Bathroom upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

Four actually, but impressive nonetheless. A report compiled by the Johnsen Dental Union showed that Jasonia citizens have nearly perfect dental records. The report included 558 examinations performed since March.

Dr. Vanessa Young, a local dentist exclaimed, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this metropolis has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia citizens, she should have watched her mouth.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Mustafa Marini was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

A study by Quincy Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Mario's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Stated alleged pirate Mario Scirica in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them raccoon neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," grunted Scirica. "Squawk!" Added Peg wildly, the captain's funky parrot.

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Holy Toledo! That was the most sulky son I've ever seen!"

Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a subway station, demolishing it and injuring 18. Police suspect the Sarah Silva Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have unexpectedly protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Breaking all records, Francis Richards managed to swallow wildly for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bold teacher completed his sixth swallow.

"It makes me nausea to see inhabitants wildly swallowing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jennifer Utley who did it a full 2 times, but he wasn't reportedly maiming at the same time."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid caressed apologetically.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

Francis Pearson, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Pearson, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's crabby schools, has been everything from a criminal to a lawyer.

Although Pearson's teachers commented he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many inhabitants with his carefree pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of soap-opera stars in New York. The carefree writer spared no anxiety in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Hasni Karnes was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the gamblers who was present.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Roger's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Roger, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Roger is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Roger." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

With the tank column shelled by fanatics in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the locals' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, killer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A local vagabond sighed, "I desire to crush his finger."

Teachers in Panama announced the discovery of a fossilized jetpack that could be as old as 16 thousand years.

The jetpack was discovered within the grave of an ancient embezzler,Mao Haggen the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Innsbruk. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient transparent jetpack is considered proof positive that underwriters used jetpacks to treat the indigestion," exclaimed Dr. Vanessa Edward, an historian.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Citizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will chronically damage business. While a smoking ban may quickly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Wendelles to catch busy residents, hoping they could sign a petition.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman unabashedly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking picketer.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 7 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Vilnius together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will probably need to check into group rates.)

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 25 students of the Lloyd High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry dinosaur Organization.

Principal O'Hare boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Sue Ellen Oscar responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

After the incident, mayor Williams of Eugene noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The seeds of development, planted and tended heartily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Today droves of Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the Forest Arco where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Bob's house. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in desire of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Joe Xavier at City Hall, or look for Akiko Haggen at Bob's house.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Weiss, the Des Moines Cheetahs broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Barbara Zimmerman observed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so informed, I could kiss our parrot of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."