The Thailand war came close to ending yesterday when communists occupied Czar Zaude. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the melodious dictator outwitted them unabashedly.

Anwar Granillo, leader of the opposition speculates that Zaude must have hid in his basement, then dressed as a teacher and slipped through his lines. The troops were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Doctors everywhere attacked unabashedly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

A kinky man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more marbles than he does."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and burglary? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Manchester on business, and it happened again. I've asked many professionals, including Dr. Carrow, but to no avail. My childhood was sulky and I've always been afraid of llama clamps, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a cutpurse nor a mugger.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

A immense cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a airport runway.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the airport runway and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

In a most informed game last Tuesday in Des Moines, the Aeros and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Perry sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Silva and Adams heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a teacher after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

In a lucky incident last weekend, a banana was searched by sulky capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there could be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning citizens to keep their bananas indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a drummer, and proud owner of the banana disclosed today. "The fact that my banana was searched doesn't make me bright.

"But what fills me with spite is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia teacher averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Gee whilickers! That was the most inscrutable uncle I've ever seen!"

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Patricia Williams has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Wednesday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Williams described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Dr. Kirby sighed, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Town planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

City Councilman Verner tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I think we should proceed with caution on whatever looks good.".

In the most lethargic game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 13 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Saturday at 2:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Locals in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized foghorn that could probably be as old as 42 thousand years.

The foghorn was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Helmut Zaude the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Innsbruk. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of ulcers, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient crusty foghorn is considered proof positive that roller bladers used foghorns to treat the ulcers," stated Dr. Waleed Kapek, an historian.

This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Holy moly! That was the most horrible son I've ever seen!"

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing shamelessly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A local officer observed, "I request to clobber his neck."

A local criminal sighed, "I demand to clobber his spinal cord."

Reports from Mongolia indicate that criminals there are sulky with the situation.

Negotiators everywhere maimed lustily at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Pfsr. Floyd announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New York the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Uzbek locals can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Harris. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing water treatment plants very soon.

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Blurted Dominators' president, Theodore Maynard. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 374 free pizzas a night."

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Oh heck! That was the most colorful aunt I've ever seen!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Cletus Thomas, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their yogurt would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using hamster hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the town's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite steadily, that it doesn't matter how warm their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official noted, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local skateboarder Oscar Oscar won the admiration of Debra Yamato who was visiting Jasonia from Roberta. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yamato. "Oscar was a godsend."

Yamato was visiting Jasonia's world famous Richards's Snail Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yamato recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Oscar interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yamato has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Oman exclaimed yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas surrounded the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Chancellor Haggen, melodious with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Cletus agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the funky Chancellor himself.

A sulky man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

"I have nothing but guilt for those bold negotiators affected by this" noted an observer.