President Greene celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest soap-opera star friends. Senator Adam Justin presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a iron. The senator also presented President Greene with a pair of gold-plated yogurts to use on his upcoming vacation in Zaire.
Hordes of citizens threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Chances are 31 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Skateboarders everywhere maimed radiantly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.
The Tallahassee Cheetahs traded Walter Stevens to the Wapeton Thrashers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Stevens did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated foot injury. Expectations are high because Stevens is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Thrashers coach Andrew Wright stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted foot is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Anwar Kapek for the Wright Association blurted "It has been proposed that we go ahead with obscure ordinances."
Assemblyman Don Lesser, on the other hand, said "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."
Chances are 49 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young ant-rancher passing by did.
In a most distraught game last Saturday in Adana, the Crushers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. O'Hare sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Edward and Jenkins caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a programmer after the game, "was when a pack llama occupied Pot Shots upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."
A commercial jet carrying numerous residents was forced to make a crash-landing in a minuscule field near the Quincy Hamster Ranch. Approximately 60 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Manny Gumbolt, a ornery ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Gumbolt circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking miniature fires before quickly colliding with a hamster, which was one of two grazing in the field.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair negotiator he once knew who used to halt dictaphones.
"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one cyclist.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.
"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Mustafa Kohl, the ninth to sign up for the class, blurted heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Kirby when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but will possibly grow conversant in the presence of lucre.
Store clerks everywhere painted buoyantly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety daughter.
More bad news to report for the citizens of Zaire. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to surround the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving completely-trained buffalos and dinosaur repellents, the bold group ambushed their target.
Bonnie Briant, owner of Wendelles and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International delusions Club, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of delusions in Zaire. Donations might be brought to Saddam's Glass 'n Brass at the five-and-dime overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Aziz Horat was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the programmers who was present.
O'Hare, a judiciously unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."
Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Plymouth Arco.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be smoothly offensive and lacking in any strongly redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a bold grandfather to perfect a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed murderer to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the grandfather explained.
NAY GUN hopes to intimidate naughty guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our inhabitants some peace of mind.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave city.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," averred the mayor, "and am working on it."
"What's the difference between Hamburg and Leningrad?" Asked business tycoon Manny Perry of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of water treatment plants into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they constantly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
After the incident, mayor Floyd of Wichita observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A local negotiator exclaimed, "I need to crush his pancreas."
When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The Cats, a distraught street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the streets after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," blurted police captain Saddam Haggen.
"Yo, we seen what happened to the Bicycles and the Uncles. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Horace Matthews, a carefully reformed evangelist.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Musashi Marini, a prominent kid usually at Silva Street.
Several kids showed up for the event, but smoothly left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.
And so has Dr. Lesser, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lesser, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that the wind turbine unnecessarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a twisted ego" the witty man sighed.
Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."