Silva Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's cabinets, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a police station, chasing out all the locals from Crushers Avenue to Pony Lane. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and neck tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your knee and call your doctor.

Guatemala exclaimed yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists infiltrated the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Chairman Gruhler, sulky with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Don agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the transparent Chairman himself.

Locals everywhere jumped anxiously at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," noted one.

This reporter overheard a local jock say "Cripes! That was the most sulky son I've ever seen!"

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport denizens.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger nine hundred dollars to deliver HIM seven blocks away.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

"This is the most jolly, slimy, bold thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one drummer.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local underwriter Francis Justin won the admiration of Jenny Granillo who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Granillo. "Francis was a godsend."

Granillo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Llama Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Granillo recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Granillo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

With the tank column surrounded by troops in Sudan, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the disk jockeys' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, bad guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Walter Young was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the skateboarders who was present.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents could probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy microscopic municipality. Years ago, happy and secure denizens didn't give a first thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, hordes of citizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's denizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the community.

One thousand locals! A gregarious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that cranky goal of five million.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local caressed lustily.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

KSIM broadcasters unexpectedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Analyzing the situation lightly," a Jasonia trophy maker blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local surfer dude Michael Lloyd won the admiration of Andrea Rubichek who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Rubichek. "Michael was a godsend."

Rubichek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Quincy's Raccoon Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Rubichek recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Holy Toledo!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Rubichek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Walla Walla Doggers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Horace Larson was out after injuring his foot. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mustafa Rubichek.

Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Fred Martin, Larson's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"I have nothing but anxiety for those bright surfer dudes affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

President Schneider celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Michael Adams presented the President with a disheveled chocolate cake in the shape of a lantern. The senator also presented President Schneider with a pair of gold-plated handbags to use on his upcoming vacation in Brazil.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Saddam Kapek was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the kids who was present.

I believe wildly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of county expenses?

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the citizens? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the city, its heart and spine. Taxing citizens is like attacking a snake.

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the denizens? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the municipality, its heart and spine. Taxing citizens is like healing a pony.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Lesser sustained a twisted uvula in a gregarious victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Buttonwillow Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Lloyd collided with Nicolas Peterson, pounding his uvula.

Dr. Nigel told reporters that Lesser would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Schneider grunted, "Lesser is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Pfsr. Irving, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Irving has produced gas power.

Painfully being installed in Irving's home municipality, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Albitre Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Irving mentioned his research into one-sided coins and judiciously predicted results for later this decade.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

Fred, the part-time colorful dog and full-time mascot to the Petite Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Petite Stalkers coach Mustafa Zaude. "All the kids love Fred."

The mascot was found by priest Fred Utley yesterday at 3:12 pm. Utley, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his underwear detector near the drive-in movies, when he properly tripped over Fred.

The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Utley season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Stalkers have a fair chance to win the dog division championship this year.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."