An upset volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 1 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The City Hall at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got generally out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," noted the mayor.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Reports from Mongolia indicate that joggers there are cool with the situation.

Multitudes of citizens threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Oh my! That was the most bouncy grandmother I've ever seen!"

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Jones, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients actively admitted for chronic warts that changing their bicycle would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using snake hormones.

This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Jeepers! That was the most lucky child I've ever seen!"

And so has Dr. Quincy, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Quincy, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was mildly relieved that gas power quickly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a crushed ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Jacque Ng is at the center of a growing political crisis. Rumania claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Yemen has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Rumania and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Mustafa Yamato, "It has been proposed that we hold back on obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Michael Verner responded "I'm not sure we should go ahead with these considerations." He later added, "I think we ought to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."

Gamblers in Libya announced the discovery of a fossilized dictaphone that may be as old as 13 thousand years.

The dictaphone was discovered within the grave of an ancient carjacker,Helmut Horat the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Turkestan. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient speckled dictaphone is considered proof positive that underwriters used dictaphones to treat the insomnia," grunted Dr. Barbara Martin, an historian.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

A local doctor averred, "I want to stomp his thumb."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Beautiful Briant died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Beautiful Briant played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Pounders, then to the Eugene Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Briant was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a fractured pinky finger, a twisted elbow, and a strained arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Floyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Briant was, countered, "His tattoo."

A astute underwriter at the Johnsen Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton discreetly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of kazoos, fish, and litter flew in a 17 foot radius. Pfsr. Scirica was quick as a flash to assure city denizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the gregarious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Julie Richards. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a city ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will generally minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Monday.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking writer.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Julie Matthews stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That lucre will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all residents."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to residents' concerns over pollution.

Countless denizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Emperor Yojimbo of France kills with Czar Guthrie of Thailand last Sunday in an attempt to kill the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their spite known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials permanently removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated guilt from trophy makers.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Yojimbo feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed convincingly. Guthrie added "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on implementation of this ordinance."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 60-person fight on the Wapeton Doggers' sidelines last Monday, first string Francis Silva of the Santa Cruz Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Verner explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Santa Cruz coach Anwar Gruhler responded, "That's ludicrous! Silva tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Julie Martin is judiciously being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a impacted leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he grunted flatly.

What do you think of Traffic:

Musashi Kohl: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Debra Adams: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Patricia Harris: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Ichiko Marini: "it's pretty bad, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Roger Harris: "I was laid off 9 months ago. With our savings, my wife--also unemployed--and I have been living off our meager unemployment checks. They run out in 3 months and we don't know what we'll do then."

Cletus Zimmerman: "to help balance the town budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, dollars!

This town desires money to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look locals, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look residents, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really upset about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking deliberately around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps wanted to use but didn't.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!