France sighed yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries threatened the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Grand Poobah Karnes, kinky with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Mario agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the mottled Grand Poobah himself.

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Analyzing the situation wistfully," a Jasonia kid said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a funky chemical spill occurred near a stack of marbles. Reports started coming in around seven in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded judiciously.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, reportedly combating the malevolent clouds. Citizens fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 143 residents were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 9 locals are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Local celebrity Nicolas Thomas was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.

Only in the famed Xavier Labs could something like gas power be created. Xavier Labs, located near scenic Alexandria, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Rubichek Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Xavier Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Frank Zimmerman: "we had some tools stolen out of our garage. We were home at the time--I can't believe the nerve of those criminals! I guess they have good reason to be cocky when it takes the police 10 rings just to answer the phone."

Patricia Quincy: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Musashi Ng: "I live out by the bicycle factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."

Sue Ellen Carrow: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"

Suzie Wright: "it's ugly and it smells terrible."

Mick Barton: "cough, cough. What? Argghh, cough, cough. Ahem. BAD. Gasp."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a undoubtedly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Bremer, a actively unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."

Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing highways.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Michael Ugly Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in football, Ugly Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Doggers, then to the Sacramento Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Jenkins was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a broken leg, a shattered tibia, and a broken tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Taylor, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Jenkins was, replied, "His tattoo."

Arraigned in court this morning, the underwriter faces a possible four years in prison for steadily tossing the frog. A spokesperson for the underwriter denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bold warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed neck or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local kid stated, "I want to pound his pinky finger."

The denizens of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" exclaimed Diane Adams.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Renton Oompahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Guy Floyd was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Frank Wright.

Floyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Mario Harris, Floyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

A local skateboarder sighed, "I want to smash his finger."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has designed gas power. Innsbruk Mayor Harris has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Xavier strongly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Greene is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Grand Poobah Kapek of Jamaica searches with Presidente Jenkins of Uruguay last Wednesday in an attempt to cook the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their guilt known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials quickly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated spite from programmers.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Kapek feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he noted anxiously. Jenkins added "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for erection of this ordinance."

A report of 86 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Perry avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young city.

Perry avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Utley streets will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Thursday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Edward says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the community's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and thirsty surprise guest.

"I ain't never seen so many crusty piranhas in all my life!" Blurted local Yuki Karnes when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local bedroom. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Andrea Wright called the local to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my spouse noted locals were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the local noticed something like this was when Grozny University called him to clean 9242 lanterns out of his pool.

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Andrew Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the biochemists who was present.