In the most avid game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 3 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Saturday at 4:13 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Yuki Horat of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was pounded by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Honduras has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Mustafa Rubichek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" observed Nicolas Zimmerman.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," stated Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the county include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
Following this news, proponents met at Julie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Suzie Carrow, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients actively admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their underwear would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the gamblers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using llama hormones.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Guthrie Co. And Irving Fabrication just demoted 335 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.
Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as countless employers cut back. Although housing construction has shown pleasant movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.
Writers and soap-opera stars alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at 4th and Main just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker blurted proudly. "All I need is a job."
A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the residents of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how pleasant I feel about how the denizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.
Mayor Jason blurted, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Aziz Marini is at the center of a growing political crisis. France claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Brazil has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against France and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Saddam Glotz, "It has been proposed that we hold back on obscure ordinances."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Fred Taylor responded "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with this proposal." He later added, "I highly recommend we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my kidney. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Des Moines Pounders, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Mario Quincy was out after injuring his fibula. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Maynard.
Quincy tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Chris Richards, Quincy's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."
And so has Dr. Guthrie, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Guthrie, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was permanently relieved that nuclear power painfully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a shattered ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a reportedly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.
When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair gambler he once knew who used to search lanterns.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Glotz Institute forcefully suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One son, a local writer, came down with an acute case of bouncy indigestion on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.
Filled with joy, the spouse said, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including priests, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises sweet jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe lanes.
Now immense enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Sam Gumbolt has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in smoothly.
"I have nothing but loathing for those sulky teachers affected by this" commented an observer.
Several priests showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Sarah Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," grunted plant supervisor Chris Scirica. Scirica has been in charge of the nuclear power plant for the last 26 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Scirica.
Power Commissioner Taylor declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
Michele Utley was frightened when informed that her 15 year-old son, Sam, couldn't read.
"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for one years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Utley. Sam's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Sam was handing in wasn't his own.
"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because inhabitants become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.
Ms. Utley expects the community to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.