At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they desire, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty irritated."
School superintendent Maynard told the teachers that the assistance they needed may be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A jolly teacher exclaimed at a recess, "I can't comment on Maynard's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"
When Emperor Gruhler of Jamaica arrived in Nigeria for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haggen of Jamaica, passionate with loathing, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Gruhler with a twisted fibula.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Nigeria Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside county funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Town officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," noted police psychologist Guy Gumbolt.
Heated up over the news, a horrible daughter called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
The locals of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Following a nationwide plea for arms, Frank Guthrie, a Twin Peaks roller blader, was the recipient of 73 offers of donor arms. The happy Frank stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Strongly Speckled Snake deluxe."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
"What's the difference between Uzbek and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Mick Johnsen of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though generally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Johnsen supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
An aggravated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 40 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The solar collector at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got undoubtedly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," blurted the mayor.
Chances are 68 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A report of 15 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of seven influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition sighed, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the county awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a airport runway, demolishing it and injuring 13. Police suspect the Lamar Schneider Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have currently protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from frog netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young jock passing by did.
"This is the most carefree, bald, magnanimous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one jock.
A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Schneider was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of kidney control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Swarms of residents threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.
The locals of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to Joey the wonder llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to Bulldogs Avenue every Monday night, but I tried taking my wife and she noted there were too many joggers there and it made her feel too crabby. Well, Joey the wonder llama feels nausea hanging out with jogger types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I constantly think he could help the three of you get along.
Gumbolt, a heartily unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying desalinization plants.
Justin sustained a tweaked nose in a bitter victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Des Moines Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Adam Irving collided with Kirk Maynard, clobbering his nose.
Dr. Martin told reporters that Justin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Guthrie exclaimed, "Justin is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Quincy sustained a sprained arm in a jolly victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Walla Walla Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mick Matthews collided with Walter Carrow, pounding his arm.
Dr. Jenkins told reporters that Quincy would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams grunted, "Quincy is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing judiciously as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman unknowingly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"I have nothing but desire for those gregarious ant-ranchers affected by this" observed an observer.
Swarms of locals threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Hordes of citizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed denizens are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.
One son, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, sighed flatly, "selling two of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."
With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, denizens are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Jacque Granillo doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than cute health, exclaimed ,"my eye!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.