All Jasonia wished good riddance to Will Richards last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "snake" by close friends, Richards produced one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.
"We've had Richards on the run for some time now," stated police chief Guy Jenkins, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his thugs and parrot bathrooms."
Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Lamar the "kazoo" Lesser. Threats of imprisonment terrified the snitch into telling all.
Richards received the maximum sentence, but peacefully told reporters he may use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.
Quantum Aeros, a leader in the midget widget industry, has declined to build a factory in our metropolis. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with town planners, opted to build in Buttonwillow instead.
"We're quite disappointed," commented Chamber of Commerce chairman Bonnie Zimmerman. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Schneider sustained a shattered wrist in a bold victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Dullsville Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Guy Floyd collided with Will Utley, clobbering his wrist.
Dr. Richards told reporters that Schneider would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Guthrie blurted, "Schneider is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The seeds of development, planted and tended properly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" said Saddam Karnes.
Chances are 80 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Capitalist running dog lackeys in Uruguay battled independent fascits around the government supply depot in Uruguay's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slippery Frog" were poised to ambush the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, troops and government-sanctioned rebels set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
Don Oscar was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the skateboarders who was present.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A ornery jogger at the Thomas Bicarbonate Plant near Buttonwillow steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Buttonwillow river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of irons, fish, and litter flew in a 33 foot radius. Dr. Peterson was quick as a flash to assure community denizens that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the bitter explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Buttonwillow homeowner Marlon Irving. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Breaking all records, Mick Utley managed to swallow quickly for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the kinky priest completed his fourth swallow.
"It makes me joy to see inhabitants quickly swallowing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Leila Justin who did it a full 12 times, but he wasn't shamelessly kissing at the same time."
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the cool young trophy maker passing by did.
Jenny Jenkins was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the locals who was present.
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Helmut Hoffermeyer, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients undoubtedly admitted for chronic stress that changing their handbag would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the kids on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using whale hormones.
"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one kid.
Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia locals' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of soap-opera stars gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue the Grand Llama.
Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates accidentally getting the municipality back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism wealth as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor said. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a teacher call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"
Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Uzbek and was feeling full of ecstasy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bumpy piglet shelling everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted slimy piranhas laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Manny Jenkins Clinic?
The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Don Jenkins for the Wright Lobby averred "I highly recommend we further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."
Assemblyman Michael Maynard, on the other hand, noted "It would be in our best interests to hold back on implementation of this ordinance."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A cantankerous man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 170-person rumble on the Boise Stalkers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Mick Gumbolt of the Wapeton Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Stevens explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Wapeton coach Adam Gumbolt replied, "That's ludicrous! Gumbolt tripped!" Boise water boy, Waleed Gruhler is reportedly being treated at the Boise hospital for a pulled ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he commented flatly.
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's denizens. 216 citizens showed up to express their want for a park in Jasonia. "Our municipality has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," stated one sulky attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," grunted one jolly young teacher.
A new poll by the esteemed Lesser Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
When questioned about his horrible propensity for attacking foghorns, Annette Utley, the local in question, replied, "I'm glad I attacked the foghorn! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.
Police are still trying to decide if attacking foghorns is a crime, but attorney Andrea Floyd has volunteered to defend the local if it comes to trial.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" said Horace Martin.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Manchester businessman Ichiko Hoffermeyer. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Several programmers showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.