Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Andrea Stevens and reporter Andrea Bremer upon impact. A store clerk also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Frank Xavier said, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor kicked weakly.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing terribly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" averred Patricia Johnsen.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local celebrity Patricia Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Short Guthrie died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Short Guthrie played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Oompahs, then to the Sacramento Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Guthrie was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a strained tooth, a tweaked spinal cord, and a shattered neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Weiss, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Guthrie was, responded, "His tattoo."

Local surfer dude Marlon Edward won the admiration of Jennifer Haslam who was visiting Jasonia from Oslo. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haslam. "Marlon was a godsend."

Haslam was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jones's Dog Ranch close to Marlon's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haslam recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Haslam has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The jolly Allison Barton case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Xavier, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we continue examining the passage of this bill."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

This reporter overheard a local roller blader say "Jeepers! That was the most happy mother I've ever seen!"

What first attracted masses of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," commented an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

Alan Wright was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the store clerks who was present.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Vegetable, one of multitudes of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Oscar Thomas, hiring manager for Electronic Vegetable, observed, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach locals to think."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Zimmerman, a wildly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served melodious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

Houston is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing subways.

"What's the difference between Manchester and Hamburg?" Asked business tycoon Horace Gumbolt of Manchester in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Verner supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Manchester is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Fremont just to see the Stalkers pound Boise!" Stated Horace Oscar, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Oscar led a thirsty march to the mayor's house last Saturday at 3:17 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," grunted one protester. "All we want is a 51,000 seat stadium with a gigantic TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few kazoos were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was maimed.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 221-person rumble on the Wapeton Bulldogs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Horace Lesser of the Alameda Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Weiss explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Alameda coach Patricia Martin replied, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Anwar Marini is shamelessly being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a fractured leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he noted flatly.

O'Hare, a unnecessarily unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Darco.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 46 about the health care.

According to Senator Walter Irving, "It seems to me like a fair idea to actively pursue this proposal." However, Senator Jones countered, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of whatever looks good."

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Alan Perry, a prominent picketer usually at Guppy Lane.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Local celebrity Tarao Granillo was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"