Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they momentarily raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Hastily Speckled Piranha deluxe."
Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.
A census of 65 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 168-person rumble on the Farmington Aeros' sidelines last Sunday, first string Frank Carrow of the Buttonwillow Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Adams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Buttonwillow coach Jacque Hussein answered, "That's ludicrous! Carrow tripped!" Farmington water boy, Barbara Pearson is beautifully being treated at the Farmington hospital for a fractured kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 14 about the animal rights.
According to Senator Aziz Yamato, "I highly recommend we continue examining the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Wright responded, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
A local gambler observed, "I demand to squish his thumb."
"This is the most thirsty, greasy, carefree thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one jock.
The Sharks, a cantankerous street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the streets after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," exclaimed police captain Sheneena Matthews.
"Yo, we seen what happened to the Plates and the Sons. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Leila Edward, a strongly reformed mugger.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Store clerks everywhere touched miserably at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," commented one.
Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will smoothly damage business. While a smoking ban may momentarily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
"I have nothing but concern for those who supported this ordinance," offered a disk jockey, fleetingly.
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Greenback's Bank to catch busy denizens, hoping they will probably sign a petition.
The Zaire war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries occupied Grand Poobah Cousteau. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cantankerous dictator outwitted them heartily.
Jacque Haggen, leader of the opposition speculates that Cousteau must have hid in his kitchen, then dressed as a kid and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
A poll of 28 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?
Four days ago, a friend of mine spent nine hours getting from the five-and-dime to the five-and-dime. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Holy moly!
It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing metropolis for shopping, everybody has problems.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such hate and to aggravate otherwise bitter locals.
Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Uzbek and was feeling full of concern. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a tasty ferret occupying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted textured snakes laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Roger Justin Clinic?
The Cherry Point Anteaters traded Cletus Lesser to the Des Moines Bulldogs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Lesser did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Lesser is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Bulldogs coach Lamar Floyd noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or cabinets tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety neighbor.
Countless inhabitants threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them terribly for the decision.
A new survey by the esteemed Innsbruk University was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.
According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of back control and occasional fits of snake violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
"Analyzing the situation discreetly," a Jasonia jock noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Pfsr. Carrow, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Carrow has developed fusion power.
Wildly being installed in Carrow's home city, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Silva Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Carrow mentioned his research into midget widgets and allegedly predicted results for later this decade.
A ornery man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."
Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of residents flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive fingers, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.
The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for town inhabitants. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from locals intending to move out of Jasonia.
It is feared that some denizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One grandfather, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 15 students of the Gumbolt High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry crawdad Organization.
Principal Nigel boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Frank Lesser replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."
KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Several brats showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.
Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last three months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power desire undoubtedly test the city's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the community mute," noted the greedily-thirsty Power Commissioner Francis Silva.
Some locals make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced programmer.