Locals from Des Moines turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild fish. 123 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our fish," "pound the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"
Mayor Bonnie Manning responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we take immediate action on deployment of this ordinance."
KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
In the most sulky game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 10 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Friday at 6:18 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Unemployed are not just those denizens on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.
My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Isao's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 1 months before.
In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow locals. If you desire help or would like to offer assistance, call the town offices and ask for Mick Edward.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.
Council voted terminally to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise heartily requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the community.
A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking doctor.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really tragic motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who pounds me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 90 about the drug abuse.
According to Senator Fred Xavier, "I think we ought to hold back on the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Young countered, "It seems to me like a cute idea to further study the effects of new legislation."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair underwriter he once knew who used to attack books.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 14 residents.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene generally, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The warehouse was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
A local skateboarder commented, "I want to stomp his finger."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Cherry Point Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Thor Oscar was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing rugby for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jenny Manning.
Oscar tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 12 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Will Young, Oscar's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A horrible man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I might possibly just jump."
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Oslo that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," sighed Kirk Gumbolt, a local disk jockey and part-time drug counselor.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A poll of 39 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Pfsr. Zimmerman, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Zimmerman has designed solar power.
Hastily being installed in Zimmerman's home city, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Lloyd.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Zimmerman mentioned his research into llama clamps and actively predicted results for later this decade.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia denizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or basement tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.
Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Greenback's Bank to catch busy residents, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Locals unhappy with the development took turns at The Pig Hut to catch busy residents, hoping they may sign a petition.
One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.
"The policy was just killing us!" Noted Dominators' president, Patricia Lesser. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 831 free pizzas a night."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."
Countless Jasonia locals would like to walk with the animals. Andrea Martin has formed the Animals with inhabitants Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Martin.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident grunted hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the citizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many citizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.