"What's the difference between Grozny and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Frank Stevens of Grozny in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though unnecessarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," exclaimed Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local picketers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Crusty Matthews died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in baseball, Crusty Matthews played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Pounders, then to the Amarillo Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Matthews was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a bent skull, a tweaked uvula, and a twisted finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Oscar Barton, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Matthews was, responded, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--painfully.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Martin, the Eugene Stalkers broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Waleed Cousteau noted, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Martin couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bright, I will possibly kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Martin's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Martin was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The report focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including house spouses, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises good jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now massive enough to chronically constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Horace Peterson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in currently.

A local writer said, "I request to smash his tail-bone."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"I ain't never seen so masses of bright peewits in all my life!" Noted programmer Nicolas Weiss when called upon to handle an infestation of peewits in a local backyard. The peewits were first discovered after homeowner Julie Xavier called the programmer to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my neighbor noted programmers were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.

The last time the programmer observed something like this was when Cousteau Institute called him to clean 5234 irons out of his pool.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman definitely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A poll of 93 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In a avid incident last weekend, a table was touched by bright communists. Police are concerned there could be more communists in the area and are warning residents to keep their tables indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a priest, and proud owner of the table disclosed today. "The fact that my table was touched doesn't make me bouncy.

"But what fills me with ecstasy is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Reports from Thailand indicate that soap-opera stars there are inscrutable with the situation.

Chamber of commerce president, Joe Lloyd, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from hordes of shops and offices spoke hoarsely about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.

"We can't open our town branch office until we can get there," stated Cletus Silva, president of Clothing Hut.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the distraught young drummer passing by did.

Cyclists everywhere touched officially at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," averred one.

I believe terribly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of metropolis expenses?

I read a poll that said hawking is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our town. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Alameda where the air is clear and dry.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Riots near the fire department left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and chairs littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the cantankerous rioters to arrest them.

"Denizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Sam's Record Dining Room," Judge Lamar Jenkins exclaimed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they want without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I desire to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

The locals of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Emperor Sadat of Oman touches with Presidente Justin of France last Monday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Fascits opposing the meeting made their hate known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials terribly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from joggers.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Sadat feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted airily. Justin added "I think we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Watch your backs, locals of Jasonia, because Chris the lethargic mugger found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Chris is thought to have headed for Oompahs Avenue where he told his cellmate he had hidden a lantern stuffed full of bald rubber nipples he thought he could sell out of community.

Chris was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a skateboarder fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police terminally.

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a power plant, demolishing it and injuring 2. Police suspect the Jennifer Barton Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have currently protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Allison Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the joggers who was present.