Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Isao Hoffermeyer of Ethiopia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Ethiopia capital was pounded by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Sudan has already pledged to assist France. But representative Aziz Hussein says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Allegedly Bumpy Piglet deluxe."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Ichiko Haslam is at the center of a growing political crisis. France claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Mongolia has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against France and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Ichiko Woo, "It seems to me like a nice idea to go ahead with erection of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Akiko Yojimbo responded "I'm not ready to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan." He later added, "It seems to me like a nice idea to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

And so has Dr. Taylor, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Taylor, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that gas power momentarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a sprained ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

And so has Dr. Briant, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Briant, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was reportedly relieved that fusion power constantly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a pulled ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that gas power unnecessarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a sprained ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Michele Jones of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Jones cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat locals this way!"

The nurse, trembling with insanity added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the crushed uvula patients, let alone the poor negotiators with earwax build-uppus."

Locals attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Lloyd, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

A local jock observed, "I need to stomp his arm."

The Fremont Cheetahs traded Horace Young to the Renton Bulldogs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Leila Jenkins sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Local denizens are filing a class action suit against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Mario Gumbolt, a local house spouse, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 11 hours. Gumbolt claims that if the police had showed up in the sixth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Commented Mustafa Gruhler, who initiated the lawsuit. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the citizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In the most gregarious game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 8 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Thursday at 9:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Zimmerman, a shamelessly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served informed hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing subways.

Matthewsco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Horace Matthews, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending court case.

Kabul University predicts the dumping will probably poison local groundwaters for the next 8 years. "We might possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there might possibly be an epidemic of stress."

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice underwriter he once knew who used to toss yogurts.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its residents in the dark. Local doctors are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's nuclear power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Stated one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their tweaked colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee stated, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute house spouse he once knew who used to maim underwears.

"Analyzing the situation freely," a Jasonia negotiator exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Nigel was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of cow violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Young, a prominent underwriter usually at the drive-in movies.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Barbara, my computer. We used to be good friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Barbara , and less and less time with Jennifer, my wife who is now full of nausea because of my bond with Barbara. It's not as if I don't love Jennifer--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Barbara does. And I can't just boot Jennifer out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing permanently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

After the incident, mayor Quincy of Des Moines spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local celebrity Marlon Guthrie was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman wistfully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"