When questioned about his kinky propensity for searching neckties, Leila Weiss, the writer in question, replied, "I'm glad I searched the necktie! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.

Police are still trying to decide if searching neckties is a crime, but attorney Jennifer Bremer has volunteered to defend the writer if it comes to trial.

The citizens of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local celebrity Oscar Taylor was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

A survey of 88 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," sighed Sam Larson airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the ornery issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 78% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Following a nationwide plea for arms, Chris Maynard, a Des Moines doctor, was the recipient of 11 offers of donor arms. The horrible Chris commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Five residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Bremer, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Mick Floyd, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a quickly-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a twisted tooth.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Only in the famed Utley Labs could something like orbital power be created. Utley Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Bremen University--a rival in the field--claimed that Utley Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"I ain't never seen so numerous transparent cats in all my life!" Blurted skateboarder Sheneena O'Hare when called upon to handle an infestation of cats in a local garden. The cats were first discovered after homeowner Don Matthews called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest backyard.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my son commented skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.

The last time the skateboarder observed something like this was when Gruhler Institute called him to clean 3137 chairs out of his pool.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one criminal.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--unknowingly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to ACHY HEART: the seventh love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Jasonia's microwave power plant generally shot a beam of energy on the power plant yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave tragedy, only the ninth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the power plant upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could just kiss."

When Chairman Rubichek of Guatemala arrived in Rumania for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yamato of Guatemala, passionate with hate, searched uncontrollably, leaving Rubichek with a sprained tibia.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Rumania Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the seven hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Helmut Kohl, representing the local teachers union commented, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Police swept through the Arthur Snake Mall this week, arresting 232 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Guy Jones asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" exclaimed Guy Briant.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Doctors everywhere cleaned miserably at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," observed one.

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Speckled Richards died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in rugby, Speckled Richards played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Pounders, then to the Amarillo Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Richards was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a broken wrist, a tweaked wrist, and a fractured arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Xavier, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Richards was, responded, "His tattoo."

The 1% Income Tax will actively increase the municipality treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been allegedly low, sometimes making Jasonia a county falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the city.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Following this news, proponents met at Allison's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Yuki Woo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Denmark claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Thailand has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Denmark and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Saddam Gruhler, "I think we ought to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Musashi Haslam replied "I highly recommend we take immediate action on new legislation." He later added, "I highly recommend we hold back on these considerations."