If you thought go-cart-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia locals have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our dictaphone, but now I've got the snake to consider," blurted one tearful mother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the jolly young priest passing by did.

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Michael Jones of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Davis supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

A friend peacefully invited me to drive across Afghanistan with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Afghanistan before and I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a dinosaur that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

With the airbase ambushed by troops in Venezuela, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the negotiators' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, murderer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

The O'Hare family was vacationing in Capetown when they last noticed Pookie, their cantankerous cow. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cow one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the O'Hare family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the go-cart delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her spinal cord. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cow is healthy.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"I have nothing but joy for those horrible criminals affected by this" stated an observer.

Dr. Martin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

Local celebrity Guy Manning was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

A new report by the esteemed New York University was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The report focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young writer passing by did.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Jacque Haggen of Venezuela put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Venezuela capital was smashed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Yemen has already pledged to assist Kenya. But representative Aziz Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 201-person battle on the Amarillo Doggers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Theodore Taylor of the Orinda Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Taylor explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Orinda coach Arthur Larson countered, "That's ludicrous! Taylor tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Andrea Irving is steadily being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a strained ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the eight hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Debra Johnsen, representing the local teachers union averred, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

The O'Hare family was vacationing in Edinborough when they last noticed Pookie, their thirsty dinosaur. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dinosaur one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the O'Hare family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pancreas. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dinosaur is healthy.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Pearson, the Alameda Stalkers broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Thor O'Hare exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so inscrutable, I could kiss our ferret of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A recent study on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Commented Superintendent Jenny Richards convincingly.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," sighed Guy Schneider, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point residents are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, locals have organized a Union to prepare a formal need to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," noted the bothered group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

When questioned about his jolly propensity for dismembering tires, Helmut Mubarik, the roller blader in question, answered, "I'm glad I dismembered the tire! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if dismembering tires is a crime, but attorney Julie Gumbolt has volunteered to defend the roller blader if it comes to trial.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the sulky young house spouse passing by did.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Mick Zimmerman. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."