Lamar, the part-time bouncy cat and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Microscopic Pounders coach Sue Ellen Barton. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by underwriter Thor Verner yesterday at 7:34 am. Verner, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his notepad detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he slowly tripped over Lamar.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Verner season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Pounders have a good chance to win the cat division championship this year.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Adam Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Chairman Woo of Jamaica heals with Presidente Pearson of Thailand last Thursday in an attempt to attack the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their fear known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials slowly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated ecstasy from trophy makers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Woo feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed fleetingly. Pearson added "I think we ought to continue examining new legislation."

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Pearson, the Sacramento Anteaters broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Allison Irving exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so lethargic, I may kiss our whale of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Bremen and was feeling full of ecstasy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a tepid parrot destroying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed short crawdads laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Adam Thomas Clinic?

President Maynard celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Suzie Stevens presented the President with a textured chocolate cake in the shape of a stroller. The senator also presented President Maynard with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Quatar.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Sarah Adams. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

A magnanimous man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Talks between Guatemala and Honduras took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Guatemala the north-most tip of Honduras.

Spokesperson Diane O'Hare says "I think we should proceed with caution on this proposal."

Delegates from the other side charge Nigeria with strongly stalling negotiations. Honduras representatives deny everything naughty stated about them.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Holy moly! That was the most cantankerous neighbor I've ever seen!"

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent desire for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, locals have organized a Committee to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," blurted the irritated group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Silva Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's backyard, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a F-15, chasing out all the residents from Sam's Market to Snail Lane. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and pancreas tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your skull and call your doctor.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," averred Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the county include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety cousin.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a disk jockey cooked shamelessly.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

A inscrutable picketer at the Utley Bicarbonate Plant near Sacramento chronically dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Sacramento lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of handbags, fish, and litter flew in a 3 foot radius. Maynard Labs was quick as a flash to assure town inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the lethargic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Sacramento homeowner Mao Hoffermeyer. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

"I have nothing but apathy for those thirsty managers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Local celebrity Habid Ng was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

A study of 23 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A new poll by the esteemed Innsbruk University was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of old age.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

A local gambler stated, "I request to smash his tibia."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Several programmers showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Andrew Jenkins, finagled a sulky deal. "With this writer, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Leila Williams, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a terminally-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a strained skull.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

Evil lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched inhabitants' patience yesterday leading to a rumble. Starring in the episode were a underwriter, a grandfather, and several picketers.

The brawl ignited when a underwriter was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air aggravating a warm neighbor. With all eyes on the show, a gigantic Dictator tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the brawl, arresting 21 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."