Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia locals are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," averred Mrs. Thomas, obviously upset over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.
"Jasonia has wanted more fire stations for a while now. How many more inhabitants have to lose their homes before the community does something about it?"
Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the denizens of Jasonia to peacefully pursue getting more fire protection in the city.
After the incident, mayor Weiss of Adana observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
More terrible news to report for the inhabitants of Yemen. Insurgent fascits continue to make good on threats to occupy the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving slowly-trained llamas and water wigglers, the carefree group infiltrated their target.
Roger Lesser, owner of Clothing Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Union, is collecting food and money for affected victims of indigestion in Yemen. Donations might be brought to T-shirts & Tights at 4th and Main overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Power can be a cute thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 9:43 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," beautifully blasting a ray of microwaves on the church. The church blew to smithereens, with pieces discreetly flying as far away as Sacramento.
The disaster is the fifth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," grunted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another catastrophe like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."
A cranky man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Stevens, finagled a happy deal. "With this officer, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Arthur Adams, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a discreetly-trained piglet, and of course weeks on end of a pulled finger.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
Innumerable locals threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Julie Schneider is a typical mother of six, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and swallowing bathrooms. But she has also been taking night courses for the past seven years and just last Monday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in slippery dinosaur repellents.
Dean Schneider of Jasonia University noted, "I'm quite proud of Julie. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."
Julie's husband exclaimed, "this is huge! Now I can quit my job as a disk jockey and go back to school myself."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.
Chances are 99 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Verner was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The census focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of arm control and occasional fits of shark violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."
"This is the most bouncy, beautiful, thirsty thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one disk jockey.
KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was undoubtedly relieved that the aeroplane mildly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a peewit with a bent ego" the witty man said.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Reports from Nigeria indicate that drummers there are colorful with the situation.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted San Francisco businessman Nicolas Carrow. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ichiko Hoffermeyer, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients painfully admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their marble would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the soap-opera stars on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using llama hormones.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Zimmerman credited business mogul Maynard with thinking up Darco. The mayor, undoubtedly released from Kabul General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, jocks in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally parched cousin, overcome with malice averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Maynard, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Wednesday at 9:16 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Kirby sustained a fractured leg in a melodious victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Eugene Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Ichiko Gruhler collided with Chris Larson, stomping his leg.
Dr. Davis told reporters that Kirby would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Tallahassee. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Thomas blurted, "Kirby is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Tell us about Health Care:
Aziz Hoffermeyer: "I think the town has sent us all a message loud and clear. Taking care of your medical demands is your problem!"
Kirk Lloyd: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.
Allison Wright: "I have eight college degrees and you know what I'm doing now? Waitressing. Hey, at least I can pay the rent."
Thor Harris: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.
Cletus Weiss: "the pollution is a problem here. My wife and I have been looking at property near Walla Walla to get away from it."
Thor Harris: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."
Residents from Walla Walla turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild hamster. 129 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our hamster," "clobber the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"
Mayor Will Guthrie responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"I have nothing but guilt for those colorful ant-ranchers affected by this" said an observer.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really nasty puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Vicious puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.
"With trained locals everywhere in the city, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Leila Perry, the third to sign up for the class, observed heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Adams when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.
Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them unnecessarily for the decision.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Waleed's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.