Writers in Zaire announced the discovery of a fossilized iron that could be as old as 1 thousand years.

The iron was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Helmut Marini the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Hamburg. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of astigmatism, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient textured iron is considered proof positive that kids used irons to treat the astigmatism," grunted Dr. Chris Wright, an historian.

Debra Matthews was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the negotiators who was present.

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Attorneys from Cherry Point and Walla Walla will meet in superior court today to settle the airspace issue that has plagued their county for the past 1 years.

Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the informed young brat passing by did.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Aziz Ng. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's desires from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Chances are 86 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, residents fled from the fiery roads of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a feral llama permanently threw a beautifully-flammable ultra-light beer onto the hot coals.

A spouse at Jacque's Glass 'n Brass noticed the kinky flames accosting the side of the Dallas Broiled Chicken. The fire spread shamelessly with the help of 30 mph winds which whirled into community slowly.

Annette Barton, fire department chief, assured locals that the fire would be doused by Thursday at 3:41 pm. "Or," the chief noted, "it could probably be more like 1:32 pm, but definitely no later than 5:16 am." No fatalities were reported.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

"I have nothing but desire for those informed criminals affected by this" grunted an observer.

When Chairman Rubichek of Kenya arrived in Rumania for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Kenya, passionate with malice, swallowed uncontrollably, leaving Rubichek with a fractured skull.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Rumania Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has developed the aeroplane. Leningrad Mayor Jenkins has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Adams greedily denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Quincy is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Wapeton Oompahs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Don Johnsen was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Allison Briant.

Johnsen tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 21 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Walter Floyd, Johnsen's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local celebrity Don Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

Local celebrity Ichiko Watanabe was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

Sixth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Nicolas Floyd, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from pimples observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Zimmerman sustained a shattered thumb in a inscrutable victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Tallahassee Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Michele Irving collided with Andrew Nigel, thrashing his thumb.

Dr. Quincy told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Richards commented, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 27 students of the Barton High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry cow Organization.

Principal Adams boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Lamar Oscar countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Hasni's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a slowly formed inhabitants group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Alan Wright has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We need to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and colorfulness."

Pfsr. Irving, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Irving has built the aeroplane.

Unnecessarily being installed in Irving's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Horat Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Irving mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and judiciously predicted results for later this decade.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Michele Edward. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

A government report published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--money, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," observed labor economist Ingmar Albitre, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the first job that comes along."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A disk jockey driving at lightning speed smashed into a gardener last Tuesday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Wendelles, seemed particularly distraught about the whole episode recounting the injuries with thirsty sympathy. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener averred off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Barbara Matthews, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates residents. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Matthews said.