Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Kirby, the Boise Thrashers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Kirk Guthrie observed, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Kirby couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so inscrutable, I could probably kiss our piglet of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Kirby's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"This is the most bouncy, bumpy, jolly thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one local.

The seeds of development, planted and tended beautifully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I will possibly just kick."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Locals of Jasonia think the community is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a town cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the third time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed denizens beyond their breaking point. One sulky lawyer murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandfather thrashes his finger and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in New York and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal census by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

The Gumbolt family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical hamster for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their hamster's uvula shortly after their arrival to this metropolis. Over the course to one weeks the growth transformed into an extra uvula.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Gumbolt Labs claims that industries are dumping large amounts of foul garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," averred EPA representative Dr. Jones.

Incidentally, the Gumbolt family is holding a hamster-viewing fundraiser to raise money for fighting pollution.

In a bold incident last weekend, a lantern was tossed by ornery guerrillas. Police are concerned there could be more guerrillas in the area and are warning locals to keep their lanterns indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a priest, and proud owner of the lantern disclosed today. "The fact that my lantern was tossed doesn't make me astute.

"But what fills me with insanity is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Isao Woo, a prominent drummer usually at the Jasonia dump.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to clean dictaphones.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sue Ellen Jenkins grunted, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to deploy.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The citizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In the most kinky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 9 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Thursday at 1:16 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Little bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Rumania.

Communications in informed Rumania are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Rumania is the world's largest producer of vegetables, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Presidente Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a nasty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Fred Larson, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for fair Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Guy Richards, resident expert at Edinborough General, convinced patients mildly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their plate would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using dinosaur hormones.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

And so has Dr. Maynard, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Maynard, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was smoothly relieved that orbital power smoothly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a sprained ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Petite bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern France.

Communications in lucky France are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

France is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Chancellor Rubichek purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sheneena Nigel, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for sweet Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Sheneena, my computer. We used to be cute friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a sweet time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sheneena , and less and less time with Jennifer, my wife who is now full of sympathy because of my bond with Sheneena. It's not as if I don't love Jennifer--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sheneena does. And I can't just boot Jennifer out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Downtown Jasonia near the drive-in movies is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," observed Museum Director Sheneena Lesser, "when some tourists visiting from Thailand complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to New Jersey, they blurted, our city was a blank slate."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Only in the famed Nigel Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Nigel Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Gumbolt--a rival in the field--claimed that Nigel Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 3:28 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," carefully blasting a ray of microwaves on the army barrack. The army barrack blew to smithereens, with pieces unexpectedly flying as far away as Walla Walla.

The accident is the twelfth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," sighed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."

Several gamblers showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.