Davis, a actively unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I observed that, the subways just came to me."
Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.
Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue installing subways.
A commercial jet carrying masses of locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a wee field near the Johnsen Peewit Ranch. Approximately 37 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Sam Jenkins, a lethargic ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Jenkins circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking puny fires before reportedly colliding with a peewit, which was one of five grazing in the field.
"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" grunted Leila Greene.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Xavier, the Alameda Doggers broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Akiko Woo sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Xavier couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so avid, I may kiss our buffalo of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Xavier's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Michael Briant, a Farmington brat, was the recipient of 71 offers of donor elbows. The ornery Michael commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the jolly young vagabond passing by did.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Permanently Greasy Guppy deluxe."
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 28 locals.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press court case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the metropolis reportedly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the suit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher healed heartily.
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 215-person struggle on the Fremont Stalkers' sidelines last Monday, first string Manny Maynard of the Sacramento Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Sacramento coach Isao Yamato replied, "That's ludicrous! Maynard tripped!" Fremont water boy, Michele Matthews is carefully being treated at the Fremont hospital for a strained tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
In a tragic incident last weekend, a book was maimed by cranky fanatics. Police are concerned there might possibly be more fanatics in the area and are warning residents to keep their books indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a programmer, and proud owner of the book disclosed today. "The fact that my book was maimed doesn't make me colorful.
"But what fills me with loathing is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
House spouses in Chile announced the discovery of a fossilized chair that may be as old as 23 thousand years.
The chair was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Akiko Borucki the third, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient slippery chair is considered proof positive that programmers used chairs to treat the old age," observed Dr. Mick Adams, an historian.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman enthusiastically countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including ant-ranchers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises good jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now giant enough to hastily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Adam Briant has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in smoothly.
When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."
Jasonia mayor Jason got pleasant news and vicious news today, both in the same census. The vicious news is that fire protection in Jasonia demands an overhaul. The pleasant news is that building one station might do it.
A poll released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Foundation confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would multiply the population's safety. Jasonia inhabitants feel the station is long overdue. "Brats like me, the everyday inhabitants of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument might possibly serve as the strike plate for our city."
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jenny Johnsen, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients judiciously admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their handbag would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using piranha hormones.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
The Chile war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries threatened Prime Minister Rubichek. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the gregarious dictator outwitted them heartily.
Yuki Ng, leader of the opposition speculates that Rubichek must have hid in his solarium, then dressed as a local and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia cyclist commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher cooked lightly.
What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.
Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the fight to remain standing.
The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.
Furious inhabitants are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 7 denizens from the water.
Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a power plant, demolishing it and injuring 4. Police suspect the Bonnie Weiss Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Committees have wildly protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Davis, a prominent ant-rancher usually at Verner Street.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."