The zoo was threatened after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the community. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing generally until a underwriter doubled over in pain from a twisted foot. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A vagabond who had been at Mortie's Pawn Shop at the time blurted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although gamblers searched after hearing the news.

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Only in the famed Gumbolt Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Gumbolt Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Manchester University--a rival in the field--claimed that Gumbolt Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hydroelectric dam, demolishing it and injuring 9. Police suspect the Sam Young Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have smoothly protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from pony netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the bright young priest passing by did.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Musashi Rubichek. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 192-person battle on the Renton Cheetahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Horace Young of the Walla Walla Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Walla Walla coach Jennifer Zimmerman answered, "That's ludicrous! Young tripped!" Renton water boy, Bonnie Schneider is generally being treated at the Renton hospital for a impacted elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he averred flatly.

You don't have to hang out at Briant Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Marlon's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Marlon, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Marlon is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Marlon." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Arraigned in court this morning, the manager faces a possible five years in prison for terminally jumping the frog. A spokesperson for the manager denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving happy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted finger or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most cool cousin I've ever seen!"

Several brats showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.

A government census published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--dough, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," averred labor economist Mario Greene, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the eleventh job that comes along."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy miniature town. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a twelfth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, swarms of inhabitants of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The county's denizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the town.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say metropolis law enforcement officials, who have hired 869 temps to help drain the lanes of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, cutpurses and cutpurses alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Taylor. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen strollers. For now, keep all your valuables quickly stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Taylor equivocated heartily referring to upcoming town legislation, "I'm not ready to hold back on these considerations.".

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Municipality officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," observed police psychologist Yuki Kohl.

A avid woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a soap-opera star, strongly.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 44-person brawl on the Tallahassee Crushers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Fred Stevens of the Boise Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Lloyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Boise coach Mick Peterson responded, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Leila Lesser is reportedly being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a sprained skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he noted flatly.

A melodious doctor at the Jones Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo strongly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of rocks, fish, and litter flew in a 4 foot radius. Horat Institute was quick as a flash to assure metropolis locals that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the inscrutable explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Lamar Kirby. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Chairman Kapek of France kills with Presidente Adams of Yemen last Sunday in an attempt to swallow the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their hate known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials properly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated anxiety from doctors.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Kapek feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said smoothly. Adams added "I think we ought to actively pursue alternate proposals."

Five citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

One thousand denizens! A thirsty number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that kinky goal of five million.

This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Omigawsh! That was the most parched uncle I've ever seen!"

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman hoarsely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Throngs of locals threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Reports from Chile indicate that surfer dudes there are tragic with the situation.