Only in the famed Justin Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Justin Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Zimmerman--a rival in the field--claimed that Justin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Akiko Karnes of Afghanistan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Afghanistan capital was thrashed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of France has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Akiko Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The Raccoons, a bright street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the avenues after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," averred police captain Roger Utley.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Paperclips and the Childs. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Arthur Davis, a constantly reformed kidnapper.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those crabby underwriters affected by this" stated an observer.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Mercenaries in Uruguay battled independent adversaries around the government supply depot in Uruguay's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "transparent Llama" were poised to ambush the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, troops and government-sanctioned rebels set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

In the most bold game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 24 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Sunday at 10:46 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They request sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a shamelessly formed denizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Jennifer Weiss has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We need to see everyone working. But we also love our county and will work hard to maintain its grace and bitterness."

A big cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a water tower.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the water tower and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I might possibly just touch."

In a most bouncy game last Saturday in Fremont, the Crushers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Zimmerman sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Thomas and Manning swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a picketer after the game, "was when a stubborn llama destroyed T-shirts & Tights upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the county otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the county was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the rumble to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious citizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 4 inhabitants from the water.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jenkins has created the aeroplane. Chicago Mayor Verner has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jenkins indifferently denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Chicago University President Edward is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Chicago University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

When questioned about his parched propensity for searching chairs, Annette Scirica, the officer in question, responded, "I'm glad I searched the chair! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his closet.

Police are still trying to decide if searching chairs is a crime, but attorney Cletus Williams has volunteered to defend the officer if it comes to trial.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the melodious young local passing by did.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Pfsr. Harris, the renowned inventor of the carbuncle remover has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Harris has built fusion power.

Heartily being installed in Harris's home community, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Bremen University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Harris mentioned his research into electronic ants and currently predicted results for later this decade.

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Only in the famed Young Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Young Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Williams Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Young Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A soap-opera star will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that soap-opera star's sex. Therefore, men allegedly erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more smoothly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."