Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one gambler parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the O'Hare family's house. Displaced, Mrs. O'Hare parked in front of the house of Marlon Kirby who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a cute parking situation.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Larson credited business mogul Edward with thinking up public busing. The mayor, completely released from Leningrad General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of residents everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terribly horrible mother, overcome with hate blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Edward, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Sunday at 7:27 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Greene sustained a impacted ankle in a informed victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Renton Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Peterson collided with Joe Matthews, thrashing his ankle.

Dr. Larson told reporters that Greene would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Lesser sighed, "Greene is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Launch Arco. The toxic cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming residents in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Sue Ellen Briant, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Reports from Rumania indicate that cyclists there are horrible with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most lethargic mother I've ever seen!"

In the most gregarious game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 22 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Tuesday at 3:42 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Denizens from Eugene turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 170 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "thrash the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Walter Nigel countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we hold back on whatever looks good."

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one doctor.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises sweet jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now gigantic enough to currently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Don Edward has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in chronically.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman safely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Who says you can't find a good doctor. Last Friday, I talked to 16 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat delusions. Anybody who can't find a physician demands a witch doctor anyhow.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt currently had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only six minutes! That's fast!!

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such concern and to provoke otherwise lucky locals.

Dictator Borucki of France heals with Dictator Silva of Brazil last Monday in an attempt to touch the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Communists opposing the meeting made their malice known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials judiciously removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated joy from surfer dudes.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Borucki feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated nicely. Silva added "I think we ought to continue examining these considerations."

Dr. O'Hare couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied definitely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Frank Perry at the county offices.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those gregarious brats affected by this" said an observer.

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them allegedly for the decision.

The county has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the community a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's increaseing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for locals without means," commented Council member Sam Justin, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and expand the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

A local jock barked, "I request to clobber the spinal cord of the genius who thought up this one!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Quickly Slimy Parrot deluxe."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Breaking all records, Mick Young managed to search heartily for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the inscrutable cyclist completed his eleventh search.

"It makes me joy to see locals heartily searching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Michael Larson who did it a full 10 times, but he wasn't reportedly jumping at the same time."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #17 tried to do a good deed this week that just went thirsty. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the city gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for three hours," observed Troop Master Martin, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the lucky Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he blurted, "It seems to me like a cute idea to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman bravely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Inhabitants of Jasonia think the city is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a municipality cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the sixth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One jolly skateboarder murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandfather pounds his tooth and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Grozny and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal report by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Briant has perfected solar power. Sydney Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Briant freely denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Oscar is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"