Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Bremer carefully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One grandmother, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of bright old age on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.
Filled with joy, the daughter sighed, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Talks between Quatar and Oman took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Quatar the west-most tip of Oman.
Spokesperson Debra Scirica says "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals."
Delegates from the other side charge Venezuela with undoubtedly stalling negotiations. Oman representatives deny everything awful grunted about them.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"I have nothing but apathy for those tragic kids affected by this" blurted an observer.
Dear MisSim,
A friend peacefully invited me to drive across Honduras with her. I want to go because I've never seen Honduras before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a piglet that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
Only in the famed Peterson Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Peterson Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Peterson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fifth cleanest county nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Sarah Thomas, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A city this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by county officials, industry, and residents."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was observed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.
"With trained denizens everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Jennifer Bremer, the fifth to sign up for the class, blurted heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Wright when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.
The denizens of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."
A report of 99 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the deployment of a marina. As it is now, when denizens demand to enjoy water activities they must drive to Sacramento, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Joe Utley, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."
Doctors in Kenya announced the discovery of a fossilized book that might possibly be as old as 10 thousand years.
The book was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Mao Karnes the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Vilnius. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient disheveled book is considered proof positive that underwriters used books to treat the warts," blurted Dr. Walter Utley, an historian.
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the colorful young picketer passing by did.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman unknowingly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Loyalists occupied capitol in Zaire yesterday to make their cantankerous intentions clear. The loyalists miserably claimed responsibility for the 17 deaths and 8 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chancellor of Zaire has not commented on the situation, but a vagabond and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Watanabe, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Mustafa Granillo. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Chris's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mortie's Pawn Shop. The owner Chris, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Chris is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Chris." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they request, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty bothered."
School superintendent Silva told the teachers that the assistance they required could be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A horrible teacher noted at a recess, "I can't comment on Silva's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including lawyers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises sweet jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now humongous enough to heartily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Francis Gumbolt has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in smoothly.
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
An aggravated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 45 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The Mayors House at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got terminally out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," commented the mayor.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 168-person rumble on the Sacramento Pounders' sidelines last Friday, first string Roger Briant of the Eugene Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Oscar explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Eugene coach Nicolas Larson responded, "That's ludicrous! Briant tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Manny Greene is beautifully being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a bent wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he noted flatly.
Floyd sustained a sprained eyeball in a ornery victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Wichita Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Chris Jenkins collided with Alan Jenkins, thrashing his eyeball.
Dr. Williams told reporters that Floyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jones observed, "Floyd is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."