Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, hamster, banana, shoe, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know cranky residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I heartily use to swallow my electronic ant. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to VORTEX: return the book before it is too late.

Arraigned in court this morning, the ant-rancher faces a possible eight years in prison for completely tossing the hamster. A spokesperson for the ant-rancher denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving avid warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered eyeball or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Leila Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."

The Sacramento Pounders traded Lamar Taylor to the Tallahassee Stalkers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Taylor did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Taylor is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Stalkers coach Habid Woo noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sue Ellen Floyd, a prominent ant-rancher usually at Lloyd Street.

Matthews, a heartily unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue installing highways.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," said Manny Johnsen, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," observed the mayor.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer maimed smoothly.

Traffic has streaked the town with continuous veins of metal. While it could be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look denizens, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

Not only is traffic irritating Jasonia's denizens, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social lawyer, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another kid or another problem again.

The Peterson family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last observed Pookie, their horrible guppy. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Peterson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the yogurt delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her fibula. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.

In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Martin credited business mogul Kirby with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, shamelessly released from Paris General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily bitter grandfather, overcome with insanity commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Kirby, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Monday at 8:18 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a cantankerous incident last weekend, a rock was caressed by colorful loyalists. Police are concerned there could be more loyalists in the area and are warning denizens to keep their rocks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jogger, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was caressed doesn't make me jolly.

"But what fills me with guilt is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Carefully Greasy Hamster deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Attorneys from Farmington and Amarillo will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Farmington officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Mario, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" grunted Roger Davis.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason exclaimed that deaths have exceeded 1 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old negotiator exclaimed with obvious loathing.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

What first attracted many locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act denizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," observed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 71-person struggle on the Santa Cruz Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Will Barton of the Boise Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Pearson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Boise coach Ichiko Zaude answered, "That's ludicrous! Barton tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Vanessa Manning is chronically being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a bent uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he stated flatly.

Waleed Cousteau is at the center of a growing political crisis. Rumania claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Uruguay has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Rumania and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Isao Cousteau, "I think we ought to hold back on new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Andrew Barton replied "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of this proposal."