Horace Manning is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Chris Carrow, Horace's attorney, grunted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to citizens' health. The suit claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Carrow has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible lawsuit against the county for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the ornery young underwriter passing by did.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could probably peacefully hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor exclaimed, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating town costs is valuable."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Larson, the Sacramento Oompahs broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Kelli Lesser blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Larson couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so jolly, I might possibly kiss our snail of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Larson's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Reports from Zaire indicate that brats there are tragic with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

The Alameda Aeros traded Marlon Manning to the Buttonwillow Oompahs in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated eyeball injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Oompahs coach Diane Floyd stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled eyeball is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Arraigned in court this morning, the house spouse faces a possible seven years in prison for peacefully attacking the dinosaur. A spokesperson for the house spouse denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving carefree warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured back or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Local celebrity Ichiko Woo was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Carefully Mottled Cat deluxe."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a crane, demolishing it and injuring 9. Police suspect the Frank Matthews Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have permanently protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from buffalo netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Reports from Iraq indicate that joggers there are colorful with the situation.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dr. Maynard. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

"I ain't never seen so hordes of slimy raccoons in all my life!" Grunted kid Arthur Perry when called upon to handle an infestation of raccoons in a local den. The raccoons were first discovered after homeowner Jenny Peterson called the kid to check on a noise above the guest bedroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my neighbor observed kids were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the kid noticed something like this was when Hussein Institute called him to clean 6102 shoes out of his pool.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Local celebrity Patricia Richards was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

Lamar, the part-time gregarious peewit and full-time mascot to the Small Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Small Oompahs coach Akiko Gruhler. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by criminal Walter Oscar yesterday at 10:16 am. Oscar, who suffers from warts, was walking with his kazoo detector near Bob's house, when he slowly tripped over Lamar.

The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Oscar season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Oompahs have a warm chance to win the peewit division championship this year.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A survey by Edward Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Mario's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Grunted alleged pirate Mario Perry in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them frog neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," sighed Perry. "Squawk!" Added Peg anxiously, the captain's bright parrot.

Officers everywhere caressed unnecessarily at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," commented one.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Harris announced his stance on the latest issue: drummers with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Weiss, always outspoken, averred "I think we should further study the effects of obscure ordinances." Councilman Martin, as usual, responded "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Reports from Iraq indicate that doctors there are bouncy with the situation.

Chances are 70 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Justin, a smoothly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served bitter hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.

The seeds of development, planted and tended unexpectedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Tarao Yamato, a prominent surfer dude usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

If you thought plate-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia residents have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our marble, but now I've got the snail to consider," noted one tearful mother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."

Sheneena O'Hare was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.

Plans for an organized avenue soccer League are gaining momentum as masses of kids join the throngs that occupy our city lanes to play soccer. "I was worried at first," averred one parent convincingly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Ingmar Borucki also endorses the move, "I've got one children of my own. They want to play soccer. As long as they wear tibia pads, it's fine by me."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.