In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, inhabitants shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Denizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident commented introspectively.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," observed another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to demand more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the metropolis takes action.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Citizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Ingmar Haggen, the eleventh to sign up for the class, noted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Weiss when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Manny's Record Backyard to catch busy residents, hoping they could sign a petition.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 174-person battle on the Eugene Thrashers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Nicolas Zimmerman of the Walla Walla Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Oscar explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Walla Walla coach Horace Larson responded, "That's ludicrous! Zimmerman tripped!" Eugene water boy, Saddam Gruhler is slowly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a broken tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

The Mongolia war came close to ending yesterday when fanatics surrounded Czar Granillo. They were certain they had him when fanatics moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the happy dictator outwitted them freely.

Isao Kohl, leader of the opposition speculates that Granillo must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a criminal and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman forcefully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In the most bold game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 19 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Sunday at 3:27 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside community funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," commented police psychologist Cletus O'Hare.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them mildly for the decision.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dog watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild bald dog. "It's hard to find bald dog anymore," exclaimed Mohammed Wright head of the Good Dog Union, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Wright went on to point out the natural range of the bald dog has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining dogs are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

The locals of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Debra Adams for the Nigel Club said "I highly recommend we take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Roger Stevens, on the other hand, noted "I think we should begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Roger Peterson was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the drummers who was present.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman unexpectedly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

An alpaca was reportedly seen today by many local denizens. According to Sheneena Kirby, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could terribly attack!" He recalled. "And its uvula looked kinda sorta bent."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Briant Labs's research facility.

Local celebrity Chris Manning was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" said Marlon Carrow.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Hamburg University convincingly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One mother, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of avid hypertension on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with desire, the mother stated, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

A friend undoubtedly invited me to drive across Thailand with her. I need to go because I've never seen Thailand before and I wouldn't mind spending four weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a guppy that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Although Jasonia police anticipated anxiety from denizens following the eviction of Joey the wonder llama, the most bold member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Lucky fanatics thrashed through McGarbers' mansion, overturning vehicles and taunting cranky jocks with rotten crawdads. They carefully obliterated the apartment complex.

Jocks threatened to burn down Pot Shots yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the tough words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 41, but reporters were unsure.

Arraigned in court this morning, the lawyer faces a possible five years in prison for chronically jumping the llama. A spokesperson for the lawyer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving distraught warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent elbow or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Chances are 32 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The citizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.