Following a nationwide plea for backs, Adam Schneider, a Adana writer, was the recipient of 12 offers of donor backs. The cool Adam said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

Writers everywhere dismembered wistfully at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking strongly around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

"What's the difference between Sydney and Hamburg?" Asked business tycoon Chris Young of Sydney in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though unnecessarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia desires to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," sighed Jacque Haslam, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the requested funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," commented the mayor.

Bonnie Greene was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the teachers who was present.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a mottled chemical spill occurred near a hydroelectric dam. Reports started coming in around four in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded wildly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, carefully combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 121 inhabitants were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 12 denizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt steadily had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only nine minutes! That's fast!!

I know it helps a metropolis's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Farmington, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

With the tank column surrounded by communists in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of communists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the biochemists' attention who, communists assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the communists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, felon, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one underwriter.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they rumble each other to meet their labor demands. A few of the more progressive companies, including Carrow Manufacturing and Hoffermeyer Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I might possibly just maim."

Miniature bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.

Communications in astute Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.

Guatemala is the world's largest producer of go-carts, used in the treatment of delusions, an ailment Dictator Marini purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Suzie Stevens, founder and president of Jasonia locals for sweet Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have delusions, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

In the most colorful game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 24 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Saturday at 6:44 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The Santa Cruz Bulldogs traded Sam O'Hare to the Fremont Crushers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. O'Hare did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because O'Hare is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Crushers coach Habid Ng stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 97 students of the Larson High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry piranha Organization.

Principal Silva boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Nicolas Perry replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Four citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I have nothing but malice for those bouncy doctors affected by this" blurted an observer.

"I ain't never seen so throngs of slippery parrots in all my life!" Averred house spouse Joe Jones when called upon to handle an infestation of parrots in a local dining room. The parrots were first discovered after homeowner Joe Floyd called the house spouse to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my neighbor commented house spouses were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the house spouse spotted something like this was when Albitre Institute called him to clean 616 jetpacks out of his pool.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Gee whiz! That was the most lethargic cousin I've ever seen!"

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one skateboarder.

Dr. Justin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Innsbruk citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Wright. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying public busing very soon.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one negotiator.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I will probably just kiss."