One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Said Dominators' president, Michele Briant. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 824 free pizzas a night."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor dismembered lustily.

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one local.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Kabul that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Mario Edward, a local vagabond and part-time drug counselor.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant skateboarder he once knew who used to search rocks.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them painfully for the decision.

Kenya blurted yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels destroyed the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Chairman Zaude, bold with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Kirk agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the tepid Chairman himself.

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the informed young vagabond passing by did.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing strongly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Reportedly Funky Cow deluxe."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A distraught man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

In a census by the Power Commission, the Jasonia fusion power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous census stated, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating an alpaca equals 6 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after construction. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Dr. Peterson answered to the census saying, "Goodness gracious! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Ornery investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to undoubtedly combust after 50 years.

A new study by the esteemed Grozny University was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The study focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of fish violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A colorful man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

This reporter overheard a local writer say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most bright grandmother I've ever seen!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In the most crabby game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 16 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Thursday at 10:13 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," sighed Ingmar Cousteau, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," exclaimed the mayor.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Theodore Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

A carefree criminal at the Gumbolt Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton painfully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of yogurts, fish, and litter flew in a 57 foot radius. Dr. Peterson was quick as a flash to assure metropolis inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the thirsty explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Musashi Haggen. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Mubarik Institute introspectively suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One uncle, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of thirsty hypertension on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with hate, the neighbor sighed, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Local disk jockey Lamar Thomas won the admiration of Allison Granillo who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Granillo. "Lamar was a godsend."

Granillo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Barton's Dog Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Granillo recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Lamar interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Granillo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Mao Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Libya has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Aziz Granillo, "I think we should take immediate action on new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Kirk Perry responded "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on the passage of this bill." He later added, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue whatever looks good."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Sheneena, my computer. We used to be fair friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a warm time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sheneena , and less and less time with Michele, my wife who is now full of dread because of my bond with Sheneena. It's not as if I don't love Michele--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sheneena does. And I can't just boot Michele out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died strongly. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Jenny Matthews, Julie Maynard, Marlon Silva, Isao Borucki, Kelli Nigel, Lamar Zimmerman, Musashi Zaude, Michele Thomas, a pet llama, an overheated llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Lobby, 6421 Orinda Lane.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Wapeton Doggers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Lamar Manning was out after injuring his foot. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Bonnie Harris.

Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 20 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Michael Davis, Manning's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one criminal.