Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for inhabitants over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Roger Greene, Presidente of the Grey Piglets.
"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," grunted Greene, "they need an outlet for their energy just as avid kids do."
Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Jacque Woo. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Chances are 39 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Thailand restricted migration this week in a colorful new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Chicago University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Oscar Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on this proposal."
On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."
One denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" grunted Kirk Gumbolt.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really corrosive puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Bad puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Several lawyers showed up for the event, but permanently left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.
More ghastly news to report for the residents of Zaire. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to surround the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving shamelessly-trained cats and dinosaur repellents, the jolly group threatened their target.
Barbara Williams, owner of Houston Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Union, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of nasty rashes in Zaire. Donations will possibly be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at Bob's house overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Brats everywhere halted fleetingly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
A new report by the esteemed Dr. Davis was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The report focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of finger control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mohammed Glotz, a prominent negotiator usually at Cheetahs Avenue.
Masses of inhabitants are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed denizens are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.
One cousin, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, observed flatly, "selling one of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."
With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, residents are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Patricia Johnsen doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than sweet health, observed ,"my eye!"
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Tarao Horat sighed cagily.
An informal report by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when fathers visit.
"This is the most magnanimous, tasty, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one writer.
In a most crabby game last Tuesday in Eugene, the Doggers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Barton sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Maynard and Quincy touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a jock after the game, "was when an overheated llama infiltrated Aziz's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the city. Dozens of structures were crushed by the corrosive beast, including the airport hangar, as it stomped through the county. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one jogger.
Efforts to squish the monster by state and local authorities failed and astute scientists attempted to use their currently-designed dehydrated water to stop the creature. "We really thought the dehydrated water would work," exclaimed Dr. Nicolas Silva, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a minuscule dehydrated water in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Zimmerman told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
Underwriters in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized paperclip that will possibly be as old as 36 thousand years.
The paperclip was discovered within the grave of an ancient evangelist,Musashi Horat the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Manchester. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient horrible paperclip is considered proof positive that ant-ranchers used paperclips to treat the pimples," commented Dr. Jennifer Young, an historian.
"I have nothing but sympathy for those cool gamblers affected by this" averred an observer.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the sulky young underwriter passing by did.
Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has invented solar power.
Slowly being installed in Pearson's home town, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Glotz Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into ear candles and heartily predicted results for later this decade.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Des Moines Doggers, but may have lost the war as utility player Don Gumbolt was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Adam Verner.
Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Will Gumbolt, Gumbolt's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to construct a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," commented Jenny Maynard who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" grunted Debra Pearson.
Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Pot Shots to catch busy locals, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.
Sixth and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Michael Perry, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from warts exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"