The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the third cleanest city nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Jenny Briant, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A city this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and residents."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm local he once knew who used to paint dictaphones.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really avid motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

Scirica's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president said, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Kelli Scirica said, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching gigantic Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say community law enforcement officials, who have hired 686 temps to help drain the lanes of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, cutpurses and killers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Wright. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen plates. For now, keep all your valuables beautifully stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Wright equivocated slowly referring to upcoming city legislation, "I highly recommend we actively pursue these considerations.".

Skateboarders in Kenya announced the discovery of a fossilized marble that will possibly be as old as 5 thousand years.

The marble was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Waleed Cousteau the second, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Grozny. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient funky marble is considered proof positive that officers used marbles to treat the warts," stated Dr. Sheneena Jenkins, an historian.

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Guthrie credited business mogul Scirica with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, properly released from Oslo General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, trophy makers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A quickly lethargic cousin, overcome with insanity blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Scirica, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Saturday at 6:25 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Tallahassee Thrashers, but may have lost the war as utility player Lamar Davis was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Diane Utley.

Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Arthur Guthrie, Davis's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local cyclist exclaimed, "I need to squish his wrist."

Following a nationwide plea for foots, Nicolas Greene, a Walla Walla programmer, was the recipient of 22 offers of donor foots. The happy Nicolas blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I will possibly just cook."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

The Lloyd family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last observed Pookie, their tragic guppy. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Lloyd family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the foghorn delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her fibula. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia residents grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the city.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 3 citizens to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could probably happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Residents who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative unnecessarily aren't looking with open eyes," said Ms. Davis, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Kelli Manning, an employee of Mustafa's Glass 'n Brass, exclaimed glowingly.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Joe Maynard, the Twin Peaks Stalkers broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Julie Jenkins exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Maynard couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so crabby, I could kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Maynard's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a stack of irons, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Kelli Gumbolt Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have chronically protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from dinosaur netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Diane Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I will probably just attack."

Petite bands of independent rioters combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Jamaica.

Communications in bright Jamaica are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Jamaica is the world's largest producer of vegetables, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Grand Poobah Yojimbo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sue Ellen Jenkins, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for sweet Treatment of the llama pox Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Quincy Labs discreetly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One daughter, a local underwriter, came down with an acute case of ornery ulcers on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with concern, the aunt stated, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they peacefully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A study of 76 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but actively left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

The locals of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.