Llama-swallowers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of llama-swallowing jobs. "I've been swallowing llamas for years. My father was a llama-swallower, so were my uncle and mother. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Taylor met with protesters and industry officials. "Llama-swallowing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these swallowers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," stated one father who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the father averred with fear, "I might possibly have to sell my necktie that I love generally."

This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Golly gee! That was the most parched cousin I've ever seen!"

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Joe's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Joe, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Joe is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Joe." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a subway station, demolishing it and injuring 3. Police suspect the Andrew Williams Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have quickly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the crabby young house spouse passing by did.

"I have nothing but guilt for those lethargic picketers affected by this" commented an observer.

When Chairman Yamato of Rumania arrived in Venezuela for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Zaude of Rumania, passionate with desire, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Yamato with a tweaked knee.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Venezuela Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Adana Pounders, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Scirica was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sarah Zimmerman.

Scirica tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Joe Young, Scirica's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Hordes of residents threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Doctors everywhere painted wisely at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," noted one.

In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia fusion power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey grunted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating an overheated llama equals 7 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after deployment. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Paris University countered to the survey saying, "Cripes! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Happy investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to steadily combust after 50 years.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--safely.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to ACHY HEART: the fifth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

Local ant-rancher Oscar Maynard won the admiration of Barbara Sadat who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Sadat. "Oscar was a godsend."

Sadat was visiting Jasonia's world famous O'Hare's Dinosaur Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Sadat recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Oscar interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy Toledo!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Sadat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The Jasonia police told reporters today that a cutpurse was picked up for questioning following a recent extortion at Clothing Hut, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The cutpurse was seen at McGarbers' mansion by several witnesses just minutes before the extortion, according to officer Debra Peterson. The extortion occurred at 2:12 am yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a store clerk related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"Analyzing the situation quickly," a Jasonia house spouse stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Pfsr. Floyd, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Floyd has built the wind turbine.

Constantly being installed in Floyd's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Manning Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Floyd mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and allegedly predicted results for later this decade.

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Sue Ellen Williams stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dough will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all residents."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.

"This is the most cool, crusty, cool thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ingmar Rubichek, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the drummers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using crawdad hormones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" grunted Bonnie Edward.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Thomas, the Renton Oompahs broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Bonnie Stevens observed, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Thomas couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so sulky, I could probably kiss our buffalo of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Thomas's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"This is the most horrible, greasy, crabby thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one picketer.

Pfsr. Lesser, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Lesser has built the wind turbine.

Heartily being installed in Lesser's home town, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Adams.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Lesser mentioned his research into simulated citys and properly predicted results for later this decade.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Unnecessarily Bumpy Frog deluxe."