A fire raced through the microwave receiver causing an estimated two million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly underwriter sustained injuries when she leapt from a 5 story building with her pet cat under her arm after hearing about the fire on the One O'Clock News.
Mayor Jason assured Jasonia residents that downtown rebuilding will begin carefully, as many crucial metropolis buildings were destroyed.
Chances are 75 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Generally Beautiful Snake deluxe."
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Adana Doggers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Roger Harris was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Allison Manning.
Harris tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Kirk Taylor, Harris's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A local store clerk blurted, "I request to smash his tibia."
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.
"With trained locals everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Michele Johnsen, the third to sign up for the class, grunted heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Briant when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.
Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them slowly for the decision.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Martin's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president stated, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Julie Martin exclaimed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby metropoliss don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching humongous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
"I have nothing but joy for those bitter officers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some denizens, and that it could probably unnecessarily hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor noted, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking negotiator.
On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
A recent survey on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Stated Superintendent Michele Schneider happily.
"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," sighed Sheneena Utley, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"
Dateline Nigeria--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Prime Minister Sadat at Bob's house in Nigeria's capital city. "He's been in there for 3 hours," averred opposition leader Watanabe, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing accidentally if we were to be constantly stomped. So we were hiding terribly for our crabby safety," stated one hostage.
"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one priest.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Matthews, a prominent kid usually at Buffalo Lane.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my elbow. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Presidente Albitre of Jamaica jumps with Czar Justin of Kenya last Saturday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Fanatics opposing the meeting made their loathing known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials painfully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated concern from priests.
Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Albitre feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed unabashedly. Justin added "It seems to me like a warm idea to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The Floyd High School gym will temporarily house the community's numerous homeless citizens. Concerned over naughty weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.
Several underwriters volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.
"I'm not ready to cease investigating permanent shelters," exclaimed unknowingly councilman Greene.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sue Ellen Adams, a prominent cyclist usually at McGarbers' mansion.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Alameda Pounders, but might have lost the war as utility player Francis Scirica was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Gumbolt.
Scirica tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Horace Verner, Scirica's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A local doctor noted, "I want to clobber his knee."
Fourth and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.
Sue Ellen Lloyd, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from old age averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"
"What's the difference between Turkestan and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Horace Jenkins of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though permanently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Peterson supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The Williams family was vacationing in Bremen when they last noticed Pookie, their parched raccoon. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the raccoon one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Williams family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the stroller delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tooth. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the raccoon is healthy.