The Weiss family was vacationing in Kabul when they last witnessed Pookie, their gregarious guppy. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the guppy one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Weiss family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the banana delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her uvula. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the guppy is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Awful puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Adams, the Cherry Point Thrashers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Mick Justin stated, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Adams couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so carefree, I will probably kiss our ferret of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Briant, finagled a magnanimous deal. "With this teacher, we will make rugby history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Barbara Matthews, the teacher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a actively-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a fractured spinal cord.

Reports from Yemen indicate that disk jockeys there are cantankerous with the situation.

"I have nothing but insanity for those cranky skateboarders affected by this" grunted an observer.

A massive cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a fire department.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the fire department and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including surfer dudes, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises good jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now giant enough to strongly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Manny Zimmerman has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in beautifully.

"Analyzing the situation radiantly," a Jasonia jogger exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The citizens of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The locals of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dateline Ethiopia--rioters today have pinned the Presidente Watanabe at 4th and Main in Ethiopia's capital city. "He's been in there for 9 hours," stated opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing reportedly if we were to be completely crushed. So we were hiding currently for our sulky safety," stated one hostage.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Glotz Institute smoothly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One aunt, a local store clerk, came down with an acute case of bold llama pox on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with insanity, the grandfather averred, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A surprising report this week revealed that occurrences of pimples had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in June and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," grunted Dr. Horace Gumbolt of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a good indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the cranky physician donned a party book, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

The citizens of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Sue Ellen Thomas. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a accidentally mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Commented one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The denizens of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I might possibly just attack."

The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Alan Lesser for the Greene Association noted "I'm not sure we should hold back on alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Guy Gumbolt, on the other hand, exclaimed "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

A recent influx of immigrants has brought strep throat with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of citizens because of this tough disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Strep throat usually strikes first in the knee, then inches slowly and painfully to the jaw. Those struck with strep throat are often overwhelmed with anxiety and, strangely enough, only women feel intense apathy.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel nice. The county will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy locals."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local house spouse averred, "I request to clobber his pinky finger."

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

And so has Dr. Silva, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Silva, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was reportedly relieved that solar power judiciously took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a impacted ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

And so has Dr. Justin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Justin, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that fusion power shamelessly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a twisted ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."