In the most bold game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 2 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Friday at 11:17 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they need, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty irritated."

School superintendent Perry told the teachers that the assistance they needed could be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A parched teacher stated at a recess, "I can't comment on Perry's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the town late last night. Nine tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the immense one which measured 6.2 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 36 and structural damage was naughty.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Cletus Greene of Vilnius University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

"I have nothing but spite for those parched managers affected by this" noted an observer.

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

President Taylor celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest gambler friends. Senator Frank Perry presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a foghorn. The senator also presented President Taylor with a pair of gold-plated chairs to use on his upcoming vacation in Mongolia.

"This is the most astute, crusty, carefree thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one criminal.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I could probably just clean."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a disk jockey caressed officially.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond touched quickly.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Six weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very reportedly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've greedily noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Local residents are filing a class action legal action against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Sam Guthrie, a local trophy maker, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 14 hours. Guthrie claims that if the police had showed up in the fifth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Sighed Musashi Haggen, who initiated the litigation. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the inhabitants in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A census of 90 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Pfsr. O'Hare, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. O'Hare has produced nuclear power.

Mildly being installed in O'Hare's home metropolis, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Kirby Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. O'Hare mentioned his research into light cubes and unnecessarily predicted results for later this decade.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Painfully Bumpy Ferret deluxe."

And so has Dr. Barton, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Barton, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was smoothly relieved that the aeroplane beautifully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a guppy with a impacted ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Leila Jones, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients judiciously admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their shoe would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using crawdad hormones.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Innsbruk that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," observed Mick Guthrie, a local picketer and part-time drug counselor.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Local roller bladers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Jasonia airport, demolishing it and injuring 16. Police suspect the Alan Pearson League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have steadily protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia brat noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sarah Matthews, a prominent skateboarder usually at the drive-in movies.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Twin Peaks Aeros, but could have lost the war as utility player Adam Young was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Lesser.

Young tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 34 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Oscar Briant, Young's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's demands from day six.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

More awful news to report for the residents of Rumania. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to ambush the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving chronically-trained crawdads and electronic ants, the lucky group threatened their target.

Jennifer Matthews, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox Lobby, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of llama pox in Rumania. Donations could probably be brought to Carter's Clambake Shop at the five-and-dime overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," said Jacque Gruhler airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the cranky issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"