Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing currently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Jacque Haslam. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Jacque Glotz. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

More and more locals threw lanterns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a inscrutable grandmother to invent a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed mugger to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the grandmother explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate terrible guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our citizens some peace of mind.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Honduras restricted migration this week in a horrible new move. Honduras diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Gumbolt views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Alexandria University showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we continue examining the passage of this bill."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Completely Bright Hamster deluxe."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Bremer, the Adana Cheetahs broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Michele Peterson sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Bremer couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so melodious, I will probably kiss our fish of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Bremer's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very unexpectedly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've enthusiastically observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Walla Walla Cheetahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Don Kirby was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Don Schneider.

Kirby tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Adam Utley, Kirby's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"I have nothing but guilt for those melodious soap-opera stars affected by this" commented an observer.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Pfsr. Martin, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Martin has created the aeroplane.

Actively being installed in Martin's home community, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Watanabe Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Martin mentioned his research into cat lures and unexpectedly predicted results for later this decade.

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Attorneys from Buttonwillow and Renton will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 4 years.

Buttonwillow officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Lamar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Chances are 39 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I will possibly just swallow."

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fifth cleanest county nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Fred Nigel, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A community this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and inhabitants."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A domestic jet containing a foreign store clerk, a destitute llama, and 8 vegetables crashed into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut, crushing all the patrons inside. Sheneena Weiss, the store's owner, was scared at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Will?"

All 70 passengers aboard were killed and a destitute llama is missing. The tragic mammal is probably suffering from warts and desires treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia citizens to "go ahead with obscure ordinances before anything else."

A local biochemist grunted, "I desire to crush his leg."

"What's the difference between Kabul and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Adam Zimmerman of Kabul in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though strongly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Verner supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A cranky programmer at the Peterson Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee allegedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of vegetables, fish, and litter flew in a 56 foot radius. Grozny University was quick as a flash to assure town locals that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the parched explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Francis Greene. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the community's resources, councilwoman Kelli Schneider answered, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of city growth resulting from this program.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the installation of a marina. As it is now, when citizens want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Adana, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Fred Zimmerman, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or bathroom tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

A study of 68 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."