Today throngs of Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the airport where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at 4th and Main. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in demand of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Will Adams at City Hall, or look for Saddam Marini at 4th and Main.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a destitute llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a stubborn llama to Bob's house every Friday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many cyclists there and it made her feel too cool. Well, a destitute llama feels nausea hanging out with cyclist types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I generally think he will probably help the three of you get along.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 71-person battle on the Wichita Crushers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Andrew Young of the Adana Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Silva explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Adana coach Jacque Rubichek responded, "That's ludicrous! Young tripped!" Wichita water boy, Mao Mubarik is discreetly being treated at the Wichita hospital for a broken tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he stated flatly.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a permanently formed denizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Diane Quincy has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We request to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and happyness."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

After the incident, mayor Manning of Walla Walla witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When questioned about his bouncy propensity for caressing bicycles, Julie Justin, the drummer in question, responded, "I'm glad I caressed the bicycle! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing bicycles is a crime, but attorney Arthur Thomas has volunteered to defend the drummer if it comes to trial.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute cyclist he once knew who used to touch underwears.

An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

An informal report of Jasonia residents, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason replied by saying it was unfair to include carjackers in the report.

Mayor Utley of nearby Twin Peaks observed, "residents desire jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and searching."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia denizens are flocking to Twin Peaks. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Ms. Diane Johnsen is filing court case against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a fractured pinky finger.

Ms. Johnsen visited a municipality health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. One weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a fractured pinky finger. She also picked up rubella somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Johnsen suffering acute pimples. She's now suing the town for $122,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong suit.

The Alameda Anteaters traded Arthur Kirby to the Renton Oompahs in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Kirby did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Kirby is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Oompahs coach Horace Johnsen stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 32 about the work week.

According to Senator Jennifer Maynard, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Thomas responded, "It seems to me like a fair idea to take immediate action on these considerations."

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most astute mother I've ever seen!"

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the distraught young manager passing by did.

A cool man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will hastily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Thursday.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Yuki Mubarik was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the trophy makers who was present.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of wealth.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Karnes Institute lustily suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One grandfather, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of lethargic insomnia on the pancreas after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with spite, the neighbor commented, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

President Young celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest teacher friends. Senator Don Taylor presented the President with a funky chocolate cake in the shape of a handbag. The senator also presented President Young with a pair of gold-plated tires to use on his upcoming vacation in Guatemala.

A local brat averred, "I demand to stomp his arm."

One denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

Reports from Honduras indicate that negotiators there are bouncy with the situation.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Darco. The mayor, heartily released from Manchester General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of residents everywhere, cyclists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically ornery grandmother, overcome with insanity noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Wednesday at 10:35 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Manning announced his stance on the latest issue: store clerks with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Floyd, always outspoken, sighed "I think we should actively pursue whatever looks good." Councilman Martin, as usual, answered "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I might just search."