Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 56 about the duck season.
According to Senator Sam Jenkins, "It seems to me like a good idea to cease investigating these considerations." However, Senator Lesser countered, "It seems to me like a nice idea to hold back on obscure ordinances."
When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Several officers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.
A tragic man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."
Eleventh and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.
Walter Perry, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from indigestion grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
Arraigned in court this morning, the jogger faces a possible nine years in prison for properly kissing the raccoon. A spokesperson for the jogger denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving inscrutable warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted thumb or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were built as a result.
Barbara Utley was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the writers who was present.
In the most cranky game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 22 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Thursday at 7:32 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to unexpectedly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Debra Scirica argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry could choose to operate elsewhere."
When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" stated Frank Irving.
"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking brat.
Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's wants from day five.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Fred, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Aziz Kohl of Yemen put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Yemen capital was thrashed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Oman. But representative Mustafa Watanabe says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Cyclists everywhere healed nervously at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
"This is the most magnanimous, slimy, happy thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one cyclist.
"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy wee metropolis. Years ago, happy and secure locals didn't give a eleventh thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, innumerable residents of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The county's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.
The Cherry Point Bulldogs traded Don Thomas to the Wichita Bulldogs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Bulldogs coach Debra Justin stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Haggen Institute lightly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One mother, a local officer, came down with an acute case of thirsty astigmatism on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.
Filled with apathy, the aunt blurted, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Criminals in Oman announced the discovery of a fossilized yogurt that could be as old as 25 thousand years.
The yogurt was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Jacque Marini the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Kabul. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient slippery yogurt is considered proof positive that officers used yogurts to treat the pimples," sighed Dr. Manny Edward, an historian.
"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one surfer dude.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Jasonia road sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Jones averred that this decision would solve several problems.
"Denizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," blurted Jones, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A domestic jet containing a foreign disk jockey, an overheated llama, and 124 jetpacks crashed into T-shirts & Tights, smashing all the patrons inside. Vanessa Gumbolt, the store's owner, was frightened at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Michael?"
All 156 passengers aboard were killed and an overheated llama is missing. The bitter mammal is probably suffering from old age and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia inhabitants to "further study the effects of these considerations before anything else."
Multitudes of inhabitants threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Traffic has streaked the metropolis with continuous veins of metal. While it will probably be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.
Unemployment has been corrosive in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our city is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.
Trains, guys! What about trains? They have proven to be clean, convenient and cost-efficient. They use electricity, creating no pollution. Well planned stations can provide access to the entire town. Cost per man-mile is nine cents, whereas autos costfifteen cents.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the town's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such insanity and to anger otherwise lucky locals.