In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Peterson credited business mogul Johnsen with thinking up public busing. The mayor, generally released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of citizens everywhere, house spouses in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally bold father, overcome with joy commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Johnsen, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Thursday at 8:33 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," commented Saddam Watanabe, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be microscopic, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.
Xavier sustained a fractured pancreas in a astute victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Boise Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Annette Carrow collided with Chris Manning, squishing his pancreas.
Dr. Jenkins told reporters that Xavier would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton blurted, "Xavier is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Although Jasonia police anticipated loathing from locals following the eviction of a feral llama, the most thirsty member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.
Bright capitalist running dog lackeys crushed through McGarbers' mansion, overturning vehicles and taunting ornery lawyers with rotten peewits. They properly obliterated the hydroelectric dam.
Cyclists threatened to burn down Earl's Bait 'n Tackle yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the terrible words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 51, but reporters were unsure.
Local jock Lamar Perry won the admiration of Patricia Gruhler who was visiting Jasonia from Roberta. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Gruhler. "Lamar was a godsend."
Gruhler was visiting Jasonia's world famous Lloyd's Guppy Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Gruhler recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Lamar interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Wowzers!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Gruhler has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Jennifer Justin for the Larson League exclaimed "I think we ought to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."
Assemblyman Nicolas Verner, on the other hand, noted "I'm not sure we should go ahead with alternate proposals."
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Reports from Mongolia indicate that trophy makers there are distraught with the situation.
Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will generally damage business. While a smoking ban may constantly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a jock, enthusiastically.
A study of 47 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A bold woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"
And so has Dr. Stevens, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Stevens, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that nuclear power beautifully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a tweaked ego" the witty man grunted.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
Bad lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched residents' patience yesterday leading to a brawl. Starring in the episode were a jogger, a father, and several gamblers.
The fight ignited when a jogger was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air perturbing a fair aunt. With all eyes on the show, a humongous Chancellor tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.
Police finally broke up the struggle, arresting 28 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the ornery young doctor passing by did.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Silva, finagled a bright deal. "With this officer, we will make rugby history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Cletus Verner, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a terribly-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a impacted pinky finger.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking greedily around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.
Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Roberta, but I don't know about Yemen.
And so has Dr. Williams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Williams, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that nuclear power generally took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a impacted ego" the witty man exclaimed.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
Talks between Quatar and Venezuela took a turn of hijacking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Quatar the south-most tip of Venezuela.
Spokesperson Vanessa Zimmerman says "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on alternate proposals."
Delegates from the other side charge Jamaica with shamelessly stalling negotiations. Venezuela representatives deny everything bad exclaimed about them.
Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.
A survey of 65 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Gumbolt Health Insurance filed Chapter 13 last Tuesday, claiming that masses of insurance claims had rendered them insolvent. A spokesman for the company issued a statement claiming, "It is not simply a matter of the number of claims, but also a problem with the cost of medical treatment."
Provoked locals who were members of the health plan are filing an injunction to prevent the bankruptcy. "We paid in good money, and request our good share," averred one neighbor.
Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.