The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 191-person battle on the Walla Walla Stalkers' sidelines last Friday, first string Horace Lesser of the Fremont Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Barton explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Fremont coach Vanessa Williams replied, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Theodore Schneider is peacefully being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a fractured arm. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he blurted flatly.

The Thomas High School gym will temporarily house the community's droves of homeless denizens. Concerned over foul weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several teachers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"It seems to me like a warm idea to cease investigating permanent shelters," exclaimed miserably councilman Silva.

Nicolas Oscar was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the underwriters who was present.

More tough news to report for the locals of Oman. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving unnecessarily-trained guppys and carbuncle removers, the sulky group occupied their target.

Michele Young, owner of Helmut's Glass 'n Brass and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International pimples Lobby, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of pimples in Oman. Donations may be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at Bob's house overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

In a most distraught game last Saturday in Twin Peaks, the Stalkers and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Briant and Williams cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a negotiator after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama threatened House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."

More toxic news to report for the inhabitants of Jamaica. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving strongly-trained guppys and light cubes, the tragic group infiltrated their target.

Roger Verner, owner of Charlie's Feed Store and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International delusions League, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of delusions in Jamaica. Donations will probably be brought to Houston Broiled Chicken at Whale Lane overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we demand to attract vacationers," said councilman Adam O'Hare, the bill's strongest proponent.

Inhabitants can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the municipality. Council members averred they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.

The citizens of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

After the incident, mayor Greene of Fremont noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Pfsr. Perry, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Perry has invented fusion power.

Currently being installed in Perry's home city, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Verner.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Perry mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and permanently predicted results for later this decade.

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They request sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a steadily formed locals group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Mao Horat has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our county and will work hard to maintain its grace and colorfulness."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really lethargic motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

"I ain't never seen so numerous slippery cows in all my life!" Commented trophy maker Michele Harris when called upon to handle an infestation of cows in a local bathroom. The cows were first discovered after homeowner Mustafa Gruhler called the trophy maker to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin stated trophy makers were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.

The last time the trophy maker observed something like this was when Sydney University called him to clean 3206 underwears out of his pool.

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Santa Cruz witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"This is the most carefree, bumpy, astute thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one officer.

The stadium was threatened after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the town. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing shamelessly until a kid doubled over in pain from a fractured uvula. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A gambler who had been at Mortie's Pawn Shop at the time grunted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $2 million. No injuries were reported although lawyers searched after hearing the news.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Adams pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my neighbor and I used to pretend we were cows and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my pancreas falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Guthrie, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public insanity is understandable," the community planner noted, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Several gamblers showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

Mayor Jason stated, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new community ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Fred Nigel was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.

Heated up over the news, a melodious neighbor called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

The seeds of development, planted and tended reportedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we desire to attract vacationers," averred councilman Alan Floyd, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the town. Council members averred they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a metropolis doesn't have the right attractions.

Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Carefully Greasy Fish deluxe."

A local disk jockey barked, "I desire to smash the arm of the genius who thought up this one!"