Who says you can't find a cute doctor. Last Monday, I talked to 16 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat delusions. Anybody who can't find a physician requests a witch doctor anyhow.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A report asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of snake saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor O'Hare credited business mogul Larson with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, judiciously released from Chicago General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly carefree grandmother, overcome with insanity averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Larson, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Saturday at 5:16 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The France war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries surrounded Chancellor Granillo. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the melodious dictator outwitted them slowly.

Yuki Karnes, leader of the opposition speculates that Granillo must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a soap-opera star and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Arthur Harris was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--spontaneously.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 18-person struggle on the Twin Peaks Bulldogs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Kirk Peterson of the Walla Walla Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Adams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Walla Walla coach Thor Taylor responded, "That's ludicrous! Peterson tripped!" Twin Peaks water boy, Sue Ellen Richards is slowly being treated at the Twin Peaks hospital for a strained knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he noted flatly.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including roller bladers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises sweet jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now immense enough to smoothly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Will Guthrie has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in allegedly.

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one cyclist.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Tarao Haslam, a prominent manager usually at the Jasonia dump.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

At 9 a.M. This last Tuesday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the community. Droves of citizens began hacking and coughing actively, and several elderly denizens were rushed to medical care.

Town health services wildly declared an Air Emergency. Denizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By nine in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we desire to attract vacationers," grunted councilman Kirk Schneider, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the metropolis taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the city. Council members blurted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a municipality doesn't have the right attractions.

"I have nothing but fear for those who supported this ordinance," offered a officer, fleetingly.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local ant-rancher barked, "I demand to thrash the knee of the genius who thought up this one!"

"What's the difference between Sydney and Leningrad?" Asked business tycoon Roger Barton of Sydney in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Maynard supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Bumpy Guthrie died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bumpy Guthrie played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Aeros, then to the Cherry Point Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Guthrie was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a crushed thumb, a pulled pinky finger, and a twisted ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Frank Perry, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Guthrie was, responded, "His tattoo."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the community. Dozens of structures were crushed by the corrosive beast, including the house, as it smashed through the metropolis. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one roller blader.

Efforts to thrash the monster by state and local authorities failed and avid scientists attempted to use their accidentally-perfected ultra-light beer to stop the creature. "We really thought the ultra-light beer would work," averred Dr. Kirk Barton, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a small ultra-light beer in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Irving told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Jasonia's want for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window could mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," exclaimed a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the desire has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Only in the famed Perry Labs could something like solar power be created. Perry Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Silva Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Perry Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Don Bremer for the Edward Committee commented "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Adam Nigel, on the other hand, sighed "I'm not sure we should cease investigating whatever looks good."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Arthur Briant. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the cool young trophy maker passing by did.

And so has Dr. Wright, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Wright, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that orbital power steadily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a impacted ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."