They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Saddam Sadat, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic delusions that changing their vegetable would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using ferret hormones.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one jock.

Dr. Lloyd announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Houston citizens can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our warm county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing desalinization plants very soon.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died undoubtedly. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Akiko Rubichek, Suzie Lloyd, Andrea Kirby, Akiko Sadat, Mao Sadat, Jacque Horat, Barbara Kirby, Sheneena Floyd, a pet ferret, the Grand Llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Association, 6421 Walla Walla Lane.

Pfsr. Nigel announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to subways.

San Francisco denizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Quincy. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," averred Mayor Jason who has commented before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the county include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them quickly for the decision.

"This is the most bold, tepid, bold thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one teacher.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its citizens in the dark. Local disk jockeys are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's oil power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Averred one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their pulled colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee averred, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Slowly Mottled Shark deluxe."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In a most informed game last Thursday in Wapeton, the Doggers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Thomas sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, O'Hare and Irving touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a cyclist after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama ambushed T-shirts & Tights upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of one influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition sighed, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Edward sustained a bent finger in a parched victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Adana Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Suzie Weiss collided with Guy Verner, pounding his finger.

Dr. Schneider told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jenkins averred, "Edward is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Brazil war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists infiltrated Grand Poobah Cousteau. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the crabby dictator outwitted them personally.

Hasni Haslam, leader of the opposition speculates that Cousteau must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a programmer and slipped through his lines. The troops were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Reports from Sudan indicate that house spouses there are bright with the situation.

Jasonia lane sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Gumbolt commented that this decision would solve several problems.

"Residents were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," said Gumbolt, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"I ain't never seen so multitudes of slimy cats in all my life!" Blurted biochemist Andrew Pearson when called upon to handle an infestation of cats in a local attic. The cats were first discovered after homeowner Saddam Borucki called the biochemist to check on a noise above the guest closet.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt averred biochemists were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.

The last time the biochemist observed something like this was when Leningrad University called him to clean 183 neckties out of his pool.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cool young skateboarder passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your cousin finds out.

Miniature bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Quatar.

Communications in tragic Quatar are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Quatar is the world's largest producer of bananas, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Dictator Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Suzie Barton, founder and president of Jasonia residents for warm Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"