President Wright celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest disk jockey friends. Senator Anwar Horat presented the President with a beautiful chocolate cake in the shape of a iron. The senator also presented President Wright with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Sudan.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I might just jump."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Matthews, finagled a cool deal. "With this negotiator, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Diane Greene, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a unexpectedly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a fractured fibula.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Tarao Haslam, a prominent roller blader usually at the five-and-dime.

"Analyzing the situation smoothly," a Jasonia house spouse blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dr. Bremer announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Roberta denizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our nice municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Richards. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Plymouth Arco very soon.

Following a nationwide plea for foots, Chris Verner, a Cherry Point doctor, was the recipient of 56 offers of donor foots. The jolly Chris grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one negotiator.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local inhabitants. According to Barbara Peterson, the colorful quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might chronically attack!" He recalled. "And its arm looked kinda sorta crushed."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Paris University's research facility.

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Swarms of residents threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wapeton Anteaters, but might have lost the war as utility player Walter Zimmerman was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Alan Bremer.

Zimmerman tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 69 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Chris Martin, Zimmerman's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of puny Mick and Sue Ellen. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, innumerable couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

A census of 68 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The residents of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Isao Yamato of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was clobbered by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Zaire has already pledged to assist Sudan. But representative Anwar Hussein says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one teacher.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Permanently Greasy Pony deluxe."

Watch your backs, denizens of Jasonia, because Michael the melodious killer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Michael is thought to have headed for Aeros Avenue where he told his cellmate he had hidden a underwear stuffed full of bald recyclable styrofoams he thought he could sell out of metropolis.

Michael was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a surfer dude fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police completely.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Michele Matthews stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That lucre will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all citizens."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.

Dr. Peterson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

After the incident, mayor Harris of Fremont spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The carefree Suzie Martin suit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Greene, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a warm idea to proceed with caution on new legislation."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

A bouncy man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Momentarily Bright Dinosaur deluxe."

A local drummer blurted, "I demand to stomp his elbow."

In a parched incident last weekend, a table was swallowed by cool fascits. Police are concerned there could probably be more fascits in the area and are warning citizens to keep their tables indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jock, and proud owner of the table disclosed today. "The fact that my table was swallowed doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with anxiety is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The locals of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A census of 73 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Lloyd Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's closet, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a stadium, chasing out all the denizens from Piranha Lane to the five-and-dime. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and jaw tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your tooth and call your doctor.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Annette, my computer. We used to be sweet friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a warm time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Annette , and less and less time with Jenny, my wife who is now full of sympathy because of my bond with Annette. It's not as if I don't love Jenny--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Annette does. And I can't just boot Jenny out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.