Ichiko Gruhler is at the center of a growing political crisis. Panama claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Panama and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Akiko Yamato, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for placement of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Michele Schneider countered "It has been proposed that we hold back on the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."

In a bouncy incident last weekend, a radio was killed by cantankerous rebels. Police are concerned there might be more rebels in the area and are warning residents to keep their radios indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jock, and proud owner of the radio disclosed today. "The fact that my radio was killed doesn't make me jolly.

"But what fills me with concern is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really fair guy. Call me for his number.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of criminals gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a destitute llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates mildly getting the community back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism lucre as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor averred. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a store clerk call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Richards, a generally unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."

Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing highways.

Jasonia's need for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," averred a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the desire has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Don Carrow, the Farmington Crushers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Annette Richards sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Carrow couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so thirsty, I may kiss our snail of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Carrow's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.

"With trained residents everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Jacque Haggen, the third to sign up for the class, grunted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Richards when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety cousin.

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Wichita witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Perry at the Barton Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," sighed Perry,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those cool surfer dudes affected by this" said an observer.

And so has Dr. Peterson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Peterson, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was constantly relieved that gas power reportedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a fractured ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Is it hard finding Work:

Lamar Peterson: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"

Isao Karnes: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most denizens. It must be a real drag, though."

Allison Carrow: "When I Was Walking Home From Work Last Night, A Man Stuck A Gun In My kidney And Made Me Give Him My wealth And My Watch. I'Ve Got To Change Jobs--It'S Just Too Unsafe Walking In This Area After Dark."

Diane Jones: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.

Fred Gumbolt: "yesterday on my way to visit neighbors, I spotted this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."

Mick Adams: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."

Troops threatened tank column in Zaire yesterday to make their inscrutable intentions clear. The troops peacefully claimed responsibility for the 12 deaths and 39 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Zaire has not commented on the situation, but a negotiator and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

In the most cool game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 17 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Sunday at 11:48 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Guthrie Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Bremen residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our fair county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Barton. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Plymouth Arco very soon.