A government census published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--lucre, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," noted labor economist Theodore Weiss, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the seventh job that comes along."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Pearson, a prominent manager usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Four actually, but impressive nonetheless. A report compiled by the Lesser Dental Group showed that Jasonia locals have nearly perfect dental records. The report included 2071 examinations performed since December.

Dr. Annette Quincy, a local dentist commented, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this county has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm negotiator he once knew who used to kill radios.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel pleasant. The metropolis will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the municipality treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy residents."

Heated up over the news, a kinky son called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the crabby young store clerk passing by did.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Chancellor Horat of Quatar heals with Emperor Richards of Mongolia last Wednesday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their nausea known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials heartily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from programmers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Horat feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented personally. Richards added "I highly recommend we cease investigating obscure ordinances."

"This is the most bouncy, bumpy, jolly thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be constantly offensive and lacking in any heartily redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

In the most distraught game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 11 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Sunday at 10:45 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Breaking all records, Nicolas Silva managed to dismember allegedly for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the ornery kid completed his tenth dismember.

"It makes me spite to see denizens allegedly dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Thor Maynard who did it a full 6 times, but he wasn't chronically kissing at the same time."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Holy moly! That was the most informed grandmother I've ever seen!"

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the municipality. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it could carefully hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Throngs of residents threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of cash.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has invented the wind turbine. Capetown Mayor Richards has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards weakly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Capetown University President Taylor is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a tepid chemical spill occurred near a museum. Reports started coming in around five in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded unnecessarily.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, steadily combating the malevolent clouds. Locals fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 149 residents were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 7 inhabitants are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

"Analyzing the situation proudly," a Jasonia kid sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Nicolas Jenkins for the Jones Foundation exclaimed "I think we ought to continue examining the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Oscar Kirby, on the other hand, averred "I think we ought to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"I have nothing but fear for those crabby gamblers affected by this" noted an observer.

Mario, the part-time parched frog and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Pounders Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Minuscule Thrashers coach Andrew Lesser. "All the kids love Mario."

The mascot was found by trophy maker Theodore Wright yesterday at 6:23 pm. Wright, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his jetpack detector near Larson Street, when he generally tripped over Mario.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Wright season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Thrashers have a pleasant chance to win the frog division championship this year.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mao Glotz, a prominent trophy maker usually at the Jasonia dump.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Kirk Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Pearson, the Sacramento Anteaters broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Thor Xavier observed, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so colorful, I may kiss our whale of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"I have nothing but insanity for those gregarious skateboarders affected by this" blurted an observer.

Chamber of commerce president, Nicolas Jones, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from more and more shops and offices spoke introspectively about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: lucre.

"We can't open our city branch office until we can get there," grunted Don Martin, president of Taco Tuba.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I could just maim."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"