Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Amarillo will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 16 years.
Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Kirk, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Painfully Ugly Snail deluxe."
Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Citizens will rest beautifully tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 59 seconds' forewarning, droves of denizens could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.
The death toll is currently at 5. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The airport runway was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.
A survey of 64 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
After the incident, mayor Thomas of Adana spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thief Guy Williams. The judge had no alternative other than to release the terrible guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A municipality official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia needs to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair programmer he once knew who used to heal foghorns.
In the most distraught game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 23 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Wednesday at 3:46 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Chamber of commerce president, Kirk Zimmerman, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from countless shops and offices spoke unabashedly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: money.
"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," exclaimed Allison Martin, president of Carter's Clambake Shop.
Kirk Quincy was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the cyclists who was present.
An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"What's the difference between Turkestan and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Francis Oscar of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Taylor supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In a jolly incident last weekend, a rock was maimed by melodious guerrillas. Police are concerned there might be more guerrillas in the area and are warning denizens to keep their rocks indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a store clerk, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was maimed doesn't make me distraught.
"But what fills me with spite is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
Throngs of inhabitants threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat kissed spontaneously.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns residents had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Annette Manning explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Manning went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
A census of 56 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" exclaimed Julie Nigel.
They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Waleed Hoffermeyer, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients currently admitted for chronic stress that changing their handbag would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using fish hormones.
Doctors everywhere tossed wisely at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," noted one.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Perry, finagled a sulky deal. "With this brat, we will make football history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Cletus Pearson, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a slowly-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a fractured elbow.
Jennifer Wright was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.
"I have nothing but nausea for those cranky trophy makers affected by this" blurted an observer.
Only in the famed Adams Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Adams Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Stevens--a rival in the field--claimed that Adams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a spitting llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a spitting llama to McGarbers' mansion every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many teachers there and it made her feel too lucky. Well, a spitting llama feels anxiety hanging out with teacher types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I constantly think he might possibly help the three of you get along.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 55 about the health care.
According to Senator Debra Guthrie, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for alternate proposals." However, Senator Carrow responded, "It seems to me like a good idea to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young drummer passing by did.
"Analyzing the situation smoothly," a Jasonia soap-opera star exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Chances are 58 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Zimmerman has designed gas power. Bremen Mayor Zimmerman has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Zimmerman fleetingly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Bremen University President Barton is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing discreetly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one negotiator.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the ornery young underwriter passing by did.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Peacefully Bumpy Piglet deluxe."
Local celebrity Akiko Kohl was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"