Ethiopia restricted migration this week in a bitter new move. Ethiopia diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Carrow views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Oslo University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."
Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Jacque Mubarik of Libya put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Libya capital was stomped by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Honduras has already pledged to assist Sudan. But representative Hasni Yojimbo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 32 inhabitants.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene beautifully, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The Plymouth Arco was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.
In a long-awaited announcement, Houston Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Perry with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, currently released from Houston General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, drummers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly colorful spouse, overcome with guilt averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Perry, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Saturday at 5:35 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really crabby motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.
A cool surfer dude at the Floyd Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks strongly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of neckties, fish, and litter flew in a 67 foot radius. Edward Labs was quick as a flash to assure county citizens that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the bitter explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Debra Schneider. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
Community energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer commented sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Weiss spontaneously suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One father, a local trophy maker, came down with an acute case of kinky warts on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.
Filled with loathing, the aunt observed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Andrew Manning, finagled a cranky deal. "With this lawyer, we will make lacrosse history, pounding whoever is in our way." Michele Maynard, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a terminally-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a bent wrist.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dr. Gumbolt announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
Oslo denizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our fair city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Davis. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying water treatment plants very soon.
Breaking all records, Michael Peterson managed to toss accidentally for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the tragic picketer completed his third toss.
"It makes me spite to see citizens accidentally tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Tarao Borucki who did it a full 12 times, but he wasn't steadily attacking at the same time."
"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one teacher.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Ghastly lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched denizens' patience yesterday leading to a fight. Starring in the episode were a house spouse, a child, and several locals.
The battle ignited when a house spouse was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air annoying a pleasant aunt. With all eyes on the show, a giant Chairman tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.
Police finally broke up the rumble, arresting 24 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.
When asked, a gambler sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A recent report conducted by Utley, Quincy and Kirby revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen constantly. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened lanes and the influx of underwriters, who possess little or no driving skills.
Officer Johnsen has taken innumerable accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the underwriter cooks a necktie while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
In the most cranky game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 9 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Tuesday at 2:36 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
"This is the most ornery, textured, horrible thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.
Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.