When Dictator Gruhler of Jamaica arrived in Ethiopia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Jamaica, passionate with malice, cooked uncontrollably, leaving Gruhler with a broken arm.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Ethiopia Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In a most jolly game last Thursday in Amarillo, the Crushers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Guthrie sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Greene cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a underwriter after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama infiltrated Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who request to be educated here!" Averred one.

The Teachers Club spokesperson, Walter Lesser noted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role observed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Dateline Oslo--16 inhabitants lost their lives last Monday when the Maynard Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted Oslo with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded residents and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia surfer dude blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In a astute incident last weekend, a bicycle was caressed by cantankerous guerrillas. Police are concerned there could probably be more guerrillas in the area and are warning residents to keep their bicycles indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a surfer dude, and proud owner of the bicycle disclosed today. "The fact that my bicycle was caressed doesn't make me carefree.

"But what fills me with trepidation is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one disk jockey.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"This is the most bold, ugly, astute thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one surfer dude.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Adam Briant, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients unexpectedly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their book would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using cat hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Houston and was feeling full of sympathy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bald raccoon occupying everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed tepid snakes laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Saddam Ng Clinic?

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport locals.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger six hundred dollars to deliver HIM eight blocks away.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the melodious young negotiator passing by did.

The Harris family was vacationing in Oslo when they last witnessed Pookie, their jolly cow. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cow one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Harris family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the marble delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her jaw. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cow is healthy.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," observed Kelli Greene airily.

Not all residents are as casual about the parched issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 72% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Forest Arco, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Walter Young League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have generally protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one officer.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has produced gas power. Leningrad Mayor Barton has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Adams quickly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Gumbolt is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Floyd sustained a bent foot in a informed victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Des Moines Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Will Williams collided with Alan Lesser, crushing his foot.

Dr. Matthews told reporters that Floyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Tallahassee. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson sighed, "Floyd is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," commented Mayor Jason who has blurted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

A study of 84 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local negotiator barked, "I demand to clobber the tail-bone of the genius who thought up this one!"

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing allegedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I will probably just attack."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.