"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," observed councilman Thor Wright, the bill's strongest proponent.

Locals can anticipate the town taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members grunted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.

Local kids in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Four denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking store clerk.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Taylor has perfected the wind turbine. Sydney Mayor Utley has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Taylor definitely denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Sydney University President Barton is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 26-person rumble on the Fremont Thrashers' sidelines last Monday, first string Don Davis of the Eugene Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Gumbolt explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Eugene coach Bonnie O'Hare countered, "That's ludicrous! Davis tripped!" Fremont water boy, Nicolas Irving is mildly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a tweaked back. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

A government survey of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks eleventh in cases of defenestration. This puts Jasonia in the top three percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," averred Chief Ichiko Granillo indifferently, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the report was rigged against me."

Jennifer Perry, author of the survey, said that many factors contribute to high rates of defenestration, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and bumpy basements."

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

President Guthrie celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest underwriter friends. Senator Patricia Verner presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a go-cart. The senator also presented President Guthrie with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Guatemala.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Swarms of inhabitants threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"This is the most crabby, beautiful, carefree thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one roller blader.

One thousand inhabitants! A tragic number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that astute goal of five million.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm criminal he once knew who used to search underwears.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Carrow sustained a pulled pancreas in a cantankerous victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Renton Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Guy Williams collided with Marlon Utley, stomping his pancreas.

Dr. Floyd told reporters that Carrow would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Verner commented, "Carrow is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," sighed Suzie Oscar, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," blurted the mayor.

Biochemists everywhere kissed lightly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

You don't have to hang out at Pounders Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Theodore's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Theodore, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Theodore is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Theodore." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the municipality's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," said Michele Irving who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking local.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager kicked buoyantly.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one doctor parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Pearson family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Pearson parked in front of the house of Tarao Kapek who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.

An upset volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 26 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The treatment plant at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got currently out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," sighed the mayor.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

After the incident, mayor Justin of Wichita observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Six actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Stevens Dental Union showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 1618 examinations performed since October.

Dr. Suzie Gumbolt, a local dentist exclaimed, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this county has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a crane, demolishing it and injuring 2. Police suspect the Patricia Jones Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have discreetly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair surfer dude he once knew who used to caress bananas.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 19 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Bonnie Stevens, "It seems to me like a good idea to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Justin answered, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on placement of this ordinance."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.