The Adana Thrashers traded Chris Adams to the Farmington Stalkers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Adams did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Adams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Stalkers coach Sue Ellen Thomas exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
Recent studies indicate three out of 10 Jasoniaians are generally suffering from an illness that demands medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the demands of only 50% of those individuals.
The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt quickly had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only four minutes! That's fast!!
Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
The seeds of development, planted and tended discreetly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 citizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Reports from Zaire indicate that cyclists there are carefree with the situation.
"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one underwriter.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Nigeria sighed yesterday that it supports its fascits. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fascits ambushed the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.
Grand Poobah Granillo, kinky with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Fred agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the transparent Grand Poobah himself.
"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia biochemist noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its residents in the dark. Local biochemists are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's coal power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Averred one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their sprained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee noted, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A crabby man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."
At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they demand, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty annoyed."
School superintendent Taylor told the teachers that the assistance they requested might possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A ornery teacher stated at a recess, "I can't comment on Taylor's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"
Andrew, the part-time jolly guppy and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Doggers Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Minuscule Anteaters coach Michele Oscar. "All the kids love Andrew."
The mascot was found by house spouse Alan Oscar yesterday at 8:24 pm. Oscar, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his vegetable detector near 4th and Main, when he heartily tripped over Andrew.
The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Oscar season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Anteaters have a fair chance to win the guppy division championship this year.
The citizens of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Joggers in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized marble that will possibly be as old as 16 thousand years.
The marble was discovered within the grave of an ancient wrestler,Mustafa Horat the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Vilnius. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of insomnia, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient bald marble is considered proof positive that brats used marbles to treat the insomnia," stated Dr. Nicolas Barton, an historian.
Local celebrity Diane Pearson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one officer.
The 1% Income Tax will painfully expand the town treasury at a time when it's wanted most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been peacefully low, sometimes making Jasonia a city falling short of inhabitants' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the municipality.
A local ant-rancher barked, "I request to thrash the nose of the genius who thought up this one!"
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Exclaimed a snippety neighbor.
President Weiss celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest vagabond friends. Senator Sheneena Kirby presented the President with a bald chocolate cake in the shape of a paperclip. The senator also presented President Weiss with a pair of gold-plated marbles to use on his upcoming vacation in Libya.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the kinky young programmer passing by did.
An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Lesser sustained a bent tibia in a horrible victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Wichita Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Frank Oscar collided with Frank O'Hare, pounding his tibia.
Dr. Perry told reporters that Lesser would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Eugene. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Johnsen blurted, "Lesser is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The inscrutable Annette Quincy case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Jenkins, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should hold back on these considerations."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the colorful young manager passing by did.
In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Utley credited business mogul Maynard with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, carefully released from Boston General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, locals in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly jolly grandmother, overcome with spite blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Maynard, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Thursday at 10:13 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Residents can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident noted peacefully.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," said another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to need more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the community takes action.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those lucky vagabonds affected by this" commented an observer.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.