A poll by Martin Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Manny's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Grunted alleged pirate Manny Irving in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them cat neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," averred Irving. "Squawk!" Added Peg lightly, the captain's bright parrot.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Santa Cruz Doggers, but could have lost the war as utility player Guy Stevens was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Diane Edward.

Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Lamar Kirby, Stevens's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

You don't have to hang out at Frog Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Lamar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to The Pig Hut. The owner Lamar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Lamar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Lamar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

One thousand citizens! A cool number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that astute goal of five million.

Local celebrity Mick Kirby was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm priest he once knew who used to kick go-carts.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Jasonia third-graders stole the show at a recent inter-municipality competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those parched picketers affected by this" blurted an observer.

Pfsr. Perry, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Perry has produced the wind turbine.

Shamelessly being installed in Perry's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Innsbruk University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Perry mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and terminally predicted results for later this decade.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I might just swallow."

The Des Moines Stalkers traded Alan Scirica to the Buttonwillow Aeros in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Aeros coach Patricia Larson exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we need to attract vacationers," observed councilman Frank Manning, the bill's strongest proponent.

Inhabitants can anticipate the town taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the community. Council members exclaimed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Priests everywhere cleaned indifferently at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

In a study by the Power Commission, the Jasonia nuclear power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous study noted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a pack llama equals 2 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after installation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Grozny University answered to the study saying, "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Gregarious investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to actively combust after 50 years.

Denizens from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 117 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "smash the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"

Mayor Oscar Taylor responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we further study the effects of alternate proposals."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Yesterday, I spotted something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not two blocks away I observed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the desires of the locals? The women was bleeding wildly when I drove away.

When some locals think the chances are good that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She grunted health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young joggers started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social ant-rancher, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another disk jockey or another problem again.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.

"With trained residents everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Horace Perry, the third to sign up for the class, said heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Weiss when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety child.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--smoothly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Innsbruk, but I don't know about Brazil.

Dateline Jamaica--fascits today have pinned the Czar Borucki at Frog Lane in Jamaica's capital city. "He's been in there for 6 hours," commented opposition leader Yojimbo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing terribly if we were to be wildly thrashed. So we were hiding actively for our carefree safety," commented one hostage.

After the incident, mayor Carrow of Tallahassee noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," noted Saddam Haggen who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"I have nothing but apathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a manager, discreetly.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."