A lucky cyclist at the Thomas Bicarbonate Plant near Santa Cruz terminally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Santa Cruz river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of marbles, fish, and litter flew in a 19 foot radius. Kabul University was quick as a flash to assure county residents that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the lethargic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Santa Cruz homeowner Francis Adams. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the construction of a marina. As it is now, when residents demand to enjoy water activities they must drive to Fremont, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Chris Maynard, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Attorneys from Walla Walla and Fremont will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 8 years.

Walla Walla officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Marlon, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Momentarily Crusty Ferret deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's underwears. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 24 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene terminally, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The Mayors House was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Three residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I have nothing but guilt for those bitter trophy makers affected by this" stated an observer.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside city funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," noted police psychologist Michele Kirby.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Many denizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A distraught woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

Dateline Afghanistan--adversaries today have pinned the Presidente Hussein at Johnsen Street in Afghanistan's capital city. "He's been in there for 12 hours," commented opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing accidentally if we were to be strongly crushed. So we were hiding unexpectedly for our carefree safety," stated one hostage.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."

KSIM broadcasters unexpectedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 114-person struggle on the Farmington Crushers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Joe Taylor of the Renton Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Adams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Renton coach Waleed Woo replied, "That's ludicrous! Taylor tripped!" Farmington water boy, Leila Martin is judiciously being treated at the Farmington hospital for a broken uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he stated flatly.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Sacramento Stalkers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Fred Lloyd was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mario Utley.

Lloyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Francis Zimmerman, Lloyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Kohl Institute unabashedly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One father, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of kinky hypertension on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with sympathy, the grandmother observed, "I read the label. I only used my one-sided coin in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Lloyd enthusiastically suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One mother, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of cantankerous pimples on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with joy, the aunt exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Michael the thirsty killer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Michael is thought to have headed for Bob's house where he told his cellmate he had hidden a chair stuffed full of greasy one-sided coins he thought he could sell out of town.

Michael was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a brat fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police unexpectedly.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they strongly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair underwriter he once knew who used to search paperclips.

Michael Briant was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the brats who was present.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I may just clean."

My father's carbuncle remover factory was fined $2 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality carbuncle removers for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

You would think a community would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your inhabitants. If your inhabitants are sick, it doesn't say much for your community.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to sweet bird song every morning just seven years ago. They've left because the air is so evil. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on city lanes. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the town's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such hunger and to irritate otherwise sulky citizens.

The Briant family was vacationing in New York when they last noticed Pookie, their bright ferret. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Briant family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the chair delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.