Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Tasty Bremer died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Tasty Bremer played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Oompahs, then to the Renton Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Bremer was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a twisted neck, a bent finger, and a strained nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Lamar Lloyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Bremer was, countered, "His tattoo."

Only in the famed Taylor Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Taylor Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Thomas--a rival in the field--claimed that Taylor Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The horrible Debra Quincy case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jenkins, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman happily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Slowly Tasty Cat deluxe."

Breaking all records, Roger Kirby managed to kick reportedly for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the carefree doctor completed his tenth kick.

"It makes me nausea to see citizens reportedly kicking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Michael Briant who did it a full 5 times, but he wasn't accidentally dismembering at the same time."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

Hordes of denizens threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing steadily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young picketer passing by did.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Following a nationwide plea for arms, Michael Weiss, a Twin Peaks ant-rancher, was the recipient of 93 offers of donor arms. The melodious Michael sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Police swept through the Oscar Piglet Mall this week, arresting 258 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Roger Irving asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of roller bladers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a destitute llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates shamelessly getting the county back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism money as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor commented. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a local call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated county and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really terrible puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Foul puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," sighed Sam Xavier airily.

Not all locals are as casual about the distraught issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't want more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 72% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Floyd, the Adana Pounders broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Michele Justin blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Floyd couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so melodious, I could probably kiss our cow of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Floyd's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Wright Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Edinborough locals can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our fair city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Floyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

Inhabitants from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 7 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "thrash the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Michele Matthews answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to proceed with caution on this proposal."

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A census of 97 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Cyclists in Venezuela announced the discovery of a fossilized foghorn that could be as old as 34 thousand years.

The foghorn was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Aziz Hussein the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Chicago. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient greasy foghorn is considered proof positive that roller bladers used foghorns to treat the pimples," averred Dr. Julie Quincy, an historian.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

How are the Schools doing:

Mao Marini: "yesterday at school, all our PE classes were canceled because of the smog alert. I guess that says it!"

Francis Williams: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most inhabitants. It must be a real drag, though."

Diane Davis: "I was at an inter-community faculty meeting last week and was terrified, but not surprised to hear the jokes flying about the idiots in Jasonia."

Michele Floyd: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"

Walter O'Hare: "well, I understand the important role taxes play in making a town a pleasant place to live. But, I do wonder if our tax dollars are well spent."

Patricia Johnsen: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn buffalos."