Jamaica restricted migration this week in a parched new move. Jamaica diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Woo Institute views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Jones Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we go ahead with erection of this ordinance."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

This reporter overheard a local jock say "Gadzooks! That was the most carefree neighbor I've ever seen!"

The metropolis has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the city a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," sighed Council member Guy Greene, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless residents and improve the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Underwriters everywhere dismembered hoarsely at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

A sulky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Pearson credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, judiciously released from Edinborough General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, kids in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly bitter mother, overcome with guilt noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Tuesday at 2:18 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Jones credited business mogul Manning with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, undoubtedly released from Grozny General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, jocks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly bold grandmother, overcome with concern averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Manning, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Thursday at 4:34 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Tenth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Saddam Granillo, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from pimples commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Doctor Sam Harris, a professor of advanced electric spoons at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his study linking ponys with strep throat. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Denmark almost immediately.

"Gee whilickers, we're pleased as punch," sighed Dean Haggen, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Harris was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" noted Michele Young.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The Xavier road Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young county.

Xavier road as well as Main, Fairview, and Lloyd lanes will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Thursday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Guthrie says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the county's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and thirsty surprise guest.

Attorneys from Orinda and Amarillo will meet in superior court today to settle the border issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Alan, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Local celebrity Ingmar Kohl was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Residents of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a metropolis cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the eighth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed residents beyond their breaking point. One informed surfer dude murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy aunt crushes his tail-bone and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Sydney and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its first one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with money for a warm time."

One resident disk jockey was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he said. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking soap-opera star.

Three denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

Local programmers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's chairs. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

The horrendous hurricane Kelli stomped the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 204 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Kelli swept through, destroying among other items a airport.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Kirk Zimmerman, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young skateboarder passing by did.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing terminally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Jenkins, a prominent writer usually at 4th and Main.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" noted Julie Schneider.

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one criminal.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Verner, finagled a avid deal. "With this priest, we will make football history, squishing whoever is in our way." Waleed Karnes, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a actively-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a twisted tooth.

Several writers showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" noted Diane Matthews.

The Buttonwillow Stalkers traded Adam Taylor to the Farmington Cheetahs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Taylor did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Taylor is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Anwar Karnes commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."