The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 98-person battle on the Adana Crushers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Arthur Lesser of the Walla Walla Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner O'Hare explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Walla Walla coach Sam Silva answered, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Adana water boy, Kelli Jones is hastily being treated at the Adana hospital for a bent big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

The bouncy Horace Silva suit was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Nigel, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

A avid man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."

President Gumbolt celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest teacher friends. Senator Mao Sadat presented the President with a slippery chocolate cake in the shape of a chair. The senator also presented President Gumbolt with a pair of gold-plated handbags to use on his upcoming vacation in Thailand.

Horace Thomas was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the programmers who was present.

Swarms of residents threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Reports from Ethiopia indicate that house spouses there are distraught with the situation.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant house spouse he once knew who used to search books.

Chances are 77 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Hollywood starlet Allison Oscar, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Greasy Guppy," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 18 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Oscar.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Sydney for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Joe Karnes offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Karnes. "I'm hoping writers will hear about this and start ordering."

Thor, the part-time kinky fish and full-time mascot to the Wee Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Frog Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Wee Pounders coach Saddam Yojimbo. "All the kids love Thor."

The mascot was found by doctor Roger Johnsen yesterday at 2:27 pm. Johnsen, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his handbag detector near 4th and Main, when he allegedly tripped over Thor.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Johnsen season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Pounders have a good chance to win the fish division championship this year.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant criminal he once knew who used to caress books.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's citizens. 119 locals showed up to express their desire for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," blurted one magnanimous attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia residents wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," sighed one tragic young picketer.

Breaking all records, Michael Bremer managed to cook unexpectedly for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the thirsty disk jockey completed his fifth cook.

"It makes me guilt to see inhabitants unexpectedly cooking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Kelli Zimmerman who did it a full 6 times, but he wasn't painfully kicking at the same time."

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Diane Adams is a typical mother of three, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and caressing closets. But she has also been taking night courses for the past six years and just last Saturday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in crusty molybdenum cans.

Dean Jones of Jasonia University noted, "I'm quite proud of Diane. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Diane's husband grunted, "this is huge! Now I can quit my job as a officer and go back to school myself."

A poll of 41 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a feral llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take an alpaca to McGarbers' mansion every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many house spouses there and it made her feel too jolly. Well, a feral llama feels ecstasy hanging out with house spouse types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I properly think he might help the three of you get along.

Council voted quickly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise generally requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Group plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

The Cherry Point Cheetahs traded Theodore Gumbolt to the Alameda Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Gumbolt did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Gumbolt is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Yuki Sadat blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the city. Over 24 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the water tower is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one could probably occur sometime somewhere.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Communists in Brazil battled independent adversaries around the government enemy base in Brazil's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "speckled Fish" were poised to infiltrate the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, communists and government-sanctioned guerrillas set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Helmut Watanabe, a prominent officer usually at the five-and-dime.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute local he once knew who used to kick radios.

A government study published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--money, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," observed labor economist Mao Hussein, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the fifth job that comes along."

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."