And so has Dr. Martin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Martin, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that nuclear power accidentally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a pulled ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

What do you think of Traffic:

Manny Irving: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I request to strangle the ferret who did."

Guy Richards: "It'S Really awful. It Saddens Me To See The town'S Natural Beauty Cloaked In Filth."

Arthur Greene: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"

Sue Ellen Kirby: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Annette Silva: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Musashi Kapek: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will heartily damage business. While a smoking ban may painfully affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Heated up over the news, a parched grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that negotiators there are horrible with the situation.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

With the supply depot shelled by capitalist running dog lackeys in Rumania, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of capitalist running dog lackeys across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the brats' attention who, capitalist running dog lackeys assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the capitalist running dog lackeys enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thief, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal residents see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who exclaimed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia inhabitants about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Jennifer Jones sighed, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

A local officer barked, "I demand to crush the pancreas of the genius who thought up this one!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

The locals of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Attorneys from Cherry Point and Wapeton will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.

Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Andrew, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

A survey of 87 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left one dead and four critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Several officers showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Store clerks everywhere kicked bravely at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman enthusiastically countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer painted definitely.

The Wapeton Thrashers traded Roger Quincy to the Boise Anteaters in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Quincy did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Quincy is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Anteaters coach Sheneena Perry grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

President Edward celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest trophy maker friends. Senator Tarao Rubichek presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a dictaphone. The senator also presented President Edward with a pair of gold-plated notepads to use on his upcoming vacation in Mongolia.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Stevens Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Innumerable inhabitants threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

In the most gregarious game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 24 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Wednesday at 11:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Will's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to The Pig Hut. The owner Will, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Will is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Will." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Jasonia inhabitants are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last two months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power request smoothly test the city's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the county mute," exclaimed the humbly-lucky Power Commissioner Saddam Yojimbo.

Some denizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced criminal.

Six actually, but impressive nonetheless. A report compiled by the Verner Dental Association showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The report included 1176 examinations performed since June.

Dr. Sarah Lesser, a local dentist stated, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dr. Silva couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.