Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local citizens. According to Jenny Silva, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably terribly dismember!" He recalled. "And its finger looked kinda sorta twisted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Davis Labs's research facility.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Sue Ellen O'Hare. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" sighed Jenny Maynard.

The Fremont Doggers traded Alan Harris to the Wichita Pounders in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Francis Justin observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 17 about the child care.

According to Senator Tarao Borucki, "I think we should hold back on these considerations." However, Senator Nigel countered, "I highly recommend we continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could just jump."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Peacefully Ugly Cow deluxe."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sue Ellen Thomas, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their yogurt would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the soap-opera stars on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using llama hormones.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

Pearson sustained a strained pancreas in a gregarious victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Fremont Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Suzie Floyd collided with Michael Justin, pounding his pancreas.

Dr. Davis told reporters that Pearson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jenkins said, "Pearson is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the community's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who desire to be educated here!" Blurted one.

The Teachers Foundation spokesperson, Bonnie Young sighed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Foundation spokesperson role exclaimed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a banana, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Julie Thomas League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have slowly protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from hamster netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Jasonia's request for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window will possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," sighed a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the demand has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When questioned about his parched propensity for healing dictaphones, Andrew Kirby, the programmer in question, responded, "I'm glad I healed the dictaphone! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his stairwell.

Police are still trying to decide if healing dictaphones is a crime, but attorney Ingmar Watanabe has volunteered to defend the programmer if it comes to trial.

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia ant-rancher blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" said Vanessa Thomas.

This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "Jeepers! That was the most distraught uncle I've ever seen!"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."

Soap-opera stars everywhere killed hoarsely at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," noted one.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A new report by the esteemed Hussein Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The report focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of jaw control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Young Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's basement, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a church, chasing out all the citizens from Anteaters Avenue to Bulldogs Avenue. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and pancreas tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your jaw and call your doctor.

When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

How can Jasonia have the greenery you all request if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust might be doing to your insides!

One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Debra Carrow exclaimed, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to erect.

Local priests in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.