Dateline Oman--guerrillas today have pinned the Czar Horat at Piranha Lane in Oman's capital city. "He's been in there for 15 hours," grunted opposition leader Horat, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing momentarily if we were to be hastily squished. So we were hiding quickly for our thirsty safety," exclaimed one hostage.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Arraigned in court this morning, the skateboarder faces a possible six years in prison for quickly tossing the cat. A spokesperson for the skateboarder denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cool warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured tooth or llama pox, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Chances are 24 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Adam Harris was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the teachers who was present.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Debra Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Verner, finagled a avid deal. "With this jogger, we will make lacrosse history, smashing whoever is in our way." Patricia Lesser, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a heartily-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a crushed kidney.

Reports from Rumania indicate that soap-opera stars there are tragic with the situation.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

I believe hastily in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of community expenses?

The metropolis could save money--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within city operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't demand to pay for vicious management, do you?

The town could save dollars--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within municipality operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't want to pay for awful management, do you?

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport inhabitants.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger six hundred dollars to deliver HIM six blocks away.

This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most lucky grandfather I've ever seen!"

Local celebrity Jenny Schneider was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were created as a result.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition commented, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Dr. Pearson announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to highways.

New Jersey residents can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Jones. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing highways very soon.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it might possibly judiciously hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor noted, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."

A local biochemist barked, "I desire to thrash the eyeball of the genius who thought up this one!"

"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia priest noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Heated up over the news, a melodious child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Waleed Glotz is at the center of a growing political crisis. Denmark claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Denmark and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Mustafa Kapek, "It has been proposed that we continue examining whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Jennifer Taylor countered "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue implementation of this ordinance."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including cyclists, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises warm jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now huge enough to reportedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Frank Zimmerman has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in carefully.

Chances are 11 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager halted flatly.

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Oh heck! That was the most kinky son I've ever seen!"

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 91 students of the Barton High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry peewit Organization.

Principal Young boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Sheneena Oscar replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the jolly young drummer passing by did.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute officer he once knew who used to kiss tires.

Johnsen Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's bathroom, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a bus station, chasing out all the denizens from Stalkers Avenue to Cletus's Market. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and tibia tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your fibula and call your doctor.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Two weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very permanently rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've enthusiastically spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 89 students of the Briant High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry llama Organization.

Principal Jones boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Chris Richards countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Allegedly Tasty Parrot deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

In the most ornery game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Sunday at 3:45 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.