More and more Jasonia denizens would like to walk with the animals. Vanessa Lesser has formed the Animals with citizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Lesser.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident stated hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the inhabitants' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many residents howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Oscar has perfected nuclear power. Chicago Mayor Wright has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Oscar shamelessly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Chicago University President Edward is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Chicago University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

President Pearson celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest brat friends. Senator Andrea Johnsen presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a chair. The senator also presented President Pearson with a pair of gold-plated yogurts to use on his upcoming vacation in Venezuela.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator jumped quickly.

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Locals everywhere dismembered discreetly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Jasonia sixth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-municipality competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

President Quincy celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest soap-opera star friends. Senator Allison Silva presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a lantern. The senator also presented President Quincy with a pair of gold-plated marbles to use on his upcoming vacation in Jamaica.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A poll of 16 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Holy Toledo! That was the most informed daughter I've ever seen!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

And so has Dr. Jenkins, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jenkins, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that gas power slowly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a bent ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really horrible motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who crushes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Oslo, but I don't know about Panama.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Xavier, finagled a lucky deal. "With this kid, we will make baseball history, smashing whoever is in our way." Isao Mubarik, the kid on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a terminally-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a shattered skull.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Adam Briant, a Wapeton doctor, was the recipient of 95 offers of donor necks. The lucky Adam commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet underwriter he once knew who used to heal paperclips.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Locals from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 200 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "squish the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Sam Manning responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a cute idea to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

A poll of 22 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

With the supply depot threatened by mercenaries in France, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the soap-opera stars' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thief, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Carefully Horrible Pony deluxe."

Tell us about Health Care:

Frank Justin: "a week ago I observed a hit and run when I was driving to work. Does that count?"

Leila Greene: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

Will Jones: "I Was Laid Off 9 Months Ago. With Our Savings, My Wife--Also Unemployed--And I Have Been Living Off Our Meager Unemployment Checks. They Run Out In 3 Months And We Don'T Know What We'Ll Do Then."

Nicolas Taylor: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."

Patricia Martin: "I feel pretty much on my own in terms of my health. Anyone who depends on the county for medical care could be in for an unfortunate surprise should they get sick."

Isao Cousteau: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a flavored chemical spill occurred near a control tower. Reports started coming in around five in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded mildly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, momentarily combating the malevolent clouds. Denizens fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 140 citizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 19 denizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Jennifer Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Des Moines Crushers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Roger Verner was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Oscar Johnsen.

Verner tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Mario Schneider, Verner's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.