Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has perfected nuclear power.

Painfully being installed in Edward's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Marini Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into ear candles and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Many citizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed inhabitants are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One aunt, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, exclaimed flatly, "selling six of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, denizens are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Mario Martin doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than good health, averred ,"my eye!"

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 8-person brawl on the Buttonwillow Crushers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Frank Bremer of the Buttonwillow Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Bremer explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Buttonwillow coach Roger Schneider answered, "That's ludicrous! Bremer tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Jenny Richards is momentarily being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a bent ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he said flatly.

One thousand denizens! A kinky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that gregarious goal of five million.

Reports from Kenya indicate that joggers there are crabby with the situation.

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A cantankerous man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

Wee bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.

Communications in bouncy Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Guatemala is the world's largest producer of cushions, used in the treatment of hypertension, an ailment Presidente Zaude purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a corrosive situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Frank Briant, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for sweet Treatment of the pimples Afflicted. "Of course, if you have hypertension, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

A new poll by the esteemed Horat Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I could just attack."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a disk jockey kicked spontaneously.

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

You don't have to hang out at Buffalo Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Guy's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Guy, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Guy is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Guy." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 9 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Annette Scirica, "I think we should cease investigating whatever looks good." However, Senator Matthews replied, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite carefree about it."

An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In a most ornery game last Monday in Tallahassee, the Cheetahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Quincy sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Barton and Larson dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a manager after the game, "was when a spitting llama infiltrated House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Schneider buoyantly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One uncle, a local roller blader, came down with an acute case of thirsty hypertension on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with spite, the son noted, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Twin Peaks just to see the Aeros thrash Renton!" Exclaimed Horace Maynard, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Maynard led a lethargic march to the mayor's house last Friday at 2:16 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," sighed one protester. "All we request is a 62,000 seat stadium with a gigantic TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few tables were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was touched.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of citizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Schneider allegedly returned from his vacation in Afghanistan and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a disaster area. "Goodness gracious! This is just evil. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with spite and gives me nasty rashes," grunted Mr. Schneider weakly as he boarded his private plane to return to Afghanistan.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the bright young house spouse passing by did.

An incredible dust storm 5 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 7 has claimed the lives of 21 residents. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless lane. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," sighed one elderly roller blader.

The highway patrol exclaimed that dust storms don't peacefully cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded streets, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the disaster had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she commented "no."

Reports from Quatar indicate that brats there are horrible with the situation.

Pfsr. Young, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Young has produced orbital power.

Completely being installed in Young's home community, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Dr. O'Hare.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Young mentioned his research into llama clamps and accidentally predicted results for later this decade.

When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bright motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."