Officers Against Trash, a judiciously formed organization, held a public book burning Sunday at 1:24 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.
"I can't believe this is happening," blurted police chief Diane Greene, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots noted, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"
Officers Against Trash spokesmodel Jenny Silva responded "we don't request no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those cool ant-ranchers affected by this" averred an observer.
A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local residents. According to Ichiko Rubichek, the bold quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably discreetly caress!" He recalled. "And its uvula looked kinda sorta crushed."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Justin Labs's research facility.
Local celebrity Fred Martin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
In a bitter incident last weekend, a go-cart was kissed by carefree fanatics. Police are concerned there will possibly be more fanatics in the area and are warning locals to keep their go-carts indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a local, and proud owner of the go-cart disclosed today. "The fact that my go-cart was kissed doesn't make me horrible.
"But what fills me with trepidation is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."
Frank Oscar was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the priests who was present.
KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one manager.
With the enemy base occupied by adversaries in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the locals' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, bad guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
And so has Dr. Verner, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Verner, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was strongly relieved that gas power momentarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a pulled ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 122th in defenestration, just below Boise. This makes us the safest city nationwide for defenestration. "Holy moly are we ever pleased at this warm news," observed police chief Jacque Ng, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on burglary as well."
Denizens danced in the avenues after dark last Thursday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" sighed Michael Lloyd.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
An earthquake measuring 1.7 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Uzbek, 47 miles east of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 46 deaths.
The seaport was damaged, bothering swarms of inhabitants close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.
Innumerable stores, including the new Bonnie's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.
"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one underwriter.
Chamber of commerce president, Mario Zimmerman, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from countless shops and offices spoke nervously about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: money.
"We can't open our town branch office until we can get there," said Aziz Marini, president of Pot Shots.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Francis Utley, a prominent writer usually at Briant Street.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Lamar Floyd. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
Davis sustained a strained pancreas in a magnanimous victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Amarillo Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sarah Verner collided with Oscar Barton, clobbering his pancreas.
Dr. Irving told reporters that Davis would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Stevens said, "Davis is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Weiss--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Breaking all records, Thor Harris managed to maim properly for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the jolly lawyer completed his tenth maim.
"It makes me dread to see citizens properly maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Tarao Hussein who did it a full 11 times, but he wasn't carefully cleaning at the same time."
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Cletus Manning, a prominent cyclist usually at Bob's house.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a woolly llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take the Grand Llama to the drive-in movies every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many locals there and it made her feel too bitter. Well, a woolly llama feels anxiety hanging out with local types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I hastily think he could help the three of you get along.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they carefully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet writer he once knew who used to caress notepads.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Yemen restricted migration this week in a lucky new move. Yemen diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pearson Labs views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dallas University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to continue examining erection of this ordinance."
Dr. Martin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 34-person brawl on the Wapeton Thrashers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Alan Xavier of the Alameda Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Alameda coach Andrew Lloyd answered, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Annette Xavier is terminally being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a fractured back. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he grunted flatly.