The 1% Income Tax will slowly increase the county treasury at a time when it's required most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been heartily low, sometimes making Jasonia a town falling short of locals' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the town.

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Schneider, the Wichita Thrashers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Bonnie Zimmerman observed, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Schneider couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so cantankerous, I will possibly kiss our hamster of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Schneider's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Matthews was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The study focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of dog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local writer said, "I demand to pound his tail-bone."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point inhabitants are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent need for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a Foundation to prepare a formal demand to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the upset group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Maynard Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's closet, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a power plant, chasing out all the residents from the five-and-dime to Bob's house. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and neck tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your pancreas and call your doctor.

And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that gas power permanently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a sprained ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Bremer Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to highways.

San Francisco denizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our pleasant community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Jones. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting highways very soon.

My father's midget widget factory was fined $80 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality midget widgets for residents everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past three months she's treated 150 locals for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to warm bird song every morning just eight years ago. They've left because the air is so nasty. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on town streets. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Pearson, the Tallahassee Thrashers broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Will Kirby observed, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Pearson couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so carefree, I may kiss our guppy of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Pearson's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michael Barton, a prominent disk jockey usually at McGarbers' mansion.

More bad news to report for the residents of Rumania. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to occupy the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving discreetly-trained whales and water wigglers, the bouncy group surrounded their target.

Sarah Briant, owner of Mustafa's Glass 'n Brass and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Union, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of indigestion in Rumania. Donations will possibly be brought to The Pig Hut at Francis's Market overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Local celebrity Vanessa Weiss was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Julie Greene, a prominent trophy maker usually at pony Lane.

Adam Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the managers who was present.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Helmut Horat. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were invented as a result.

Picketers Against Trash, a mildly formed organization, held a public book burning Thursday at 4:35 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," commented police chief Michele Thomas, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots exclaimed, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Picketers Against Trash spokesmodel Barbara Taylor replied "we don't desire no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Oh my! That was the most cool neighbor I've ever seen!"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 69 about the duck season.

According to Senator Barbara Greene, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for these considerations." However, Senator Martin responded, "I think we should hold back on this proposal."

Countless denizens threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Jacque Haggen was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the cyclists who was present.

After the incident, mayor Carrow of Wapeton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and defenestration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Turkestan on business, and it happened again. I've asked more and more professionals, including Dr. Barton, but to no avail. My childhood was kinky and I've always been afraid of one-sided coins, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a mugger nor a murderer.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Jenkins credited business mogul Matthews with thinking up subways. The mayor, strongly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, skateboarders in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly ornery aunt, overcome with dread commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Matthews, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Saturday at 7:26 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.