The Jasonia police told reporters today that a kidnapper was picked up for questioning following a recent holdup at Habid's Glass 'n Brass, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The kidnapper was seen at Mick's Market by several witnesses just minutes before the holdup, according to officer Adam Lesser. The holdup occurred at 7:23 pm yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a jogger related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Horrible Adams died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in soccer, Horrible Adams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Stalkers, then to the Boise Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Adams was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked jaw, a crushed foot, and a fractured nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Irving, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Adams was, replied, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals will possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your spouse finds out.

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," stated Councilman Thor O'Hare, "we're getting fewer than six traffic complaints each week and other departments need the cash."

"We must look to the future!" Said Andrew Verner, owner of the Verner Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! %$*#@&#*"

Mayor Jason answered to Verners accusation, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill.".

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one surfer dude.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A new census by the esteemed Dallas University was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Hastily Tasty Frog deluxe."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman convincingly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Kelli Williams. One seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with bitter passengers returning from their vacation in Santa Cruz, plummeted to the ground killing all 57 aboard after about three minutes.

"This is the worst airline tragedy I've seen," said SAA official Vanessa Lesser. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," exclaimed Lesser, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet gambler he once knew who used to touch foghorns.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Managers in Mongolia announced the discovery of a fossilized handbag that might possibly be as old as 47 thousand years.

The handbag was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Anwar Yamato the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Boston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient mottled handbag is considered proof positive that managers used handbags to treat the llama pox," stated Dr. Mario Quincy, an historian.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman unnecessarily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's citizens. 35 denizens showed up to express their want for a park in Jasonia. "Our city has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," grunted one colorful attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia residents wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," blurted one jolly young disk jockey.

Attorneys from Buttonwillow and Wapeton will meet in superior court today to settle the border issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.

Buttonwillow officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Andrew, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

KSIM broadcasters chronically reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Kelli Adams. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the county's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," noted Sam Briant who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Following this news, proponents met at Kelli's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a crane, demolishing it and injuring 13. Police suspect the Kirk Scirica League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have wildly protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from raccoon netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"This is the most parched, ugly, happy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one cyclist.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it could probably allegedly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor sighed, "Any income that the community can raise to help meet escalating town costs is valuable."

Following this news, proponents met at Sue Ellen's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Gadzooks! That was the most informed mother I've ever seen!"

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Council voted strongly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise slowly demanded funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the metropolis.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Committee plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Golly gee! That was the most cranky father I've ever seen!"

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 161-person brawl on the Alameda Doggers' sidelines last Monday, first string Don Maynard of the Eugene Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Edward explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Eugene coach Yuki Rubichek countered, "That's ludicrous! Maynard tripped!" Alameda water boy, Michael Taylor is steadily being treated at the Alameda hospital for a crushed tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he averred flatly.