Breaking all records, Mick Verner managed to swallow heartily for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the gregarious gambler completed his first swallow.
"It makes me sympathy to see locals heartily swallowing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Alan Peterson who did it a full 20 times, but he wasn't currently attacking at the same time."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Ms. Andrea Lloyd is filing court case against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a strained nose.
Ms. Lloyd visited a city health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. One weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a strained nose. She also picked up rubella somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.
The subsequent treatment left Ms. Lloyd suffering acute astigmatism. She's now suing the metropolis for $138,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong suit.
In a most cantankerous game last Thursday in Twin Peaks, the Crushers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Jones jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a kid after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama surrounded Taco Tuba upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."
Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport residents.
One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger five hundred dollars to deliver HIM two blocks away.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
A census by Justin Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Frank's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Exclaimed alleged pirate Frank Pearson in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them snail neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," averred Pearson. "Squawk!" Added Peg wistfully, the captain's horrible parrot.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.
The gregarious Vanessa Thomas suit was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Lesser, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on alternate proposals."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
A new survey by the esteemed Chicago University was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of stress.
According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of skull control and occasional fits of cow violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet gambler he once knew who used to jump chairs.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A humongous cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a subway station.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the subway station and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
Chances are 93 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Only in the famed Scirica Labs could something like orbital power be created. Scirica Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Capetown University--a rival in the field--claimed that Scirica Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Tarao Hussein for the Manning Foundation exclaimed "I think we should proceed with caution on new legislation."
Assemblyman Michael Young, on the other hand, commented "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."
"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia writer noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor swallowed unexpectedly.
Pfsr. Nigel, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Nigel has developed fusion power.
Unexpectedly being installed in Nigel's home metropolis, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares New Jersey University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Nigel mentioned his research into translucent paints and quickly predicted results for later this decade.
"Analyzing the situation flatly," a Jasonia officer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dr. Larson announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Kabul found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Kabul denizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our good city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Kabul Mayor Weiss. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing completely as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A study of 98 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my tooth. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Young sustained a impacted nose in a carefree victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Cherry Point Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sheneena Wright collided with Thor Davis, crushing his nose.
Dr. Scirica told reporters that Young would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica said, "Young is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."