Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Painfully Tepid Shark deluxe."
"This is the most distraught, short, lethargic thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one underwriter.
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of locals flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President O'Hare properly returned from his vacation in Venezuela and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a disaster area. "Gadzooks! This is just vicious. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with dread and gives me delusions," exclaimed Mr. O'Hare spitefully as he boarded his private plane to return to Venezuela.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Why are residents complaining about poor education? Who needs to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really sweet wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.
What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?
When PTAs constructed a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.
Most locals I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades residents! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ingmar Granillo, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using snake hormones.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.
"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Tallahassee just to see the Anteaters squish Eugene!" Stated Walter Pearson, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Pearson led a colorful march to the mayor's house last Thursday at 8:26 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," said one protester. "All we desire is a 71,000 seat stadium with a big TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few irons were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was healed.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Peterson, finagled a parched deal. "With this picketer, we will make lacrosse history, crushing whoever is in our way." Nicolas Bremer, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a carefully-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a sprained knee.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Julie Scirica. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Following a nationwide plea for big toes, Don Quincy, a Farmington surfer dude, was the recipient of 15 offers of donor big toes. The bright Don blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare big toes to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Currently Greasy Llama deluxe."
"This is the most bold, speckled, horrible thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one priest.
Presidente Glotz of Zaire cleans with Prime Minister Zimmerman of Sudan last Thursday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual recession.
Fanatics opposing the meeting made their hate known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials allegedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated loathing from criminals.
Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Glotz feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed unknowingly. Zimmerman added "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of new legislation."
A local underwriter said, "I demand to squish his big toe."
Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very momentarily rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've proudly observed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
Guatemala restricted migration this week in a thirsty new move. Guatemala diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Adams Labs views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dr. Perry showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to continue examining all aspects of the plan."
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Sheneena Carrow was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the cyclists who was present.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it could wildly hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor observed, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."
A poll of 22 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Local celebrity Kelli Briant was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Council voted accidentally to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise steadily wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the city.
A Tax Impact Evaluation Committee plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet cyclist he once knew who used to paint rocks.
Heated up over the news, a informed uncle called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's residents come face-to-face with the problems. Horace Pearson, a high-school jock, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Doggers Avenue and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he exclaimed, you know?"
Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, noted "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Bumpy Jones died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bumpy Jones played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Cheetahs, then to the Farmington Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bumpy Jones was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a pulled fibula, a crushed wrist, and a shattered tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Roger Irving, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Jones was, replied, "His tattoo."
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," said councilman Roger Xavier, the bill's strongest proponent.
Citizens can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the county. Council members observed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a metropolis doesn't have the right attractions.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but might possibly grow conversant in the presence of cash.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid killed safely.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.