Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will constantly damage business. While a smoking ban may mildly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
The denizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled actively and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A local vagabond barked, "I demand to pound the skull of the genius who thought up this one!"
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Lloyd, a prominent surfer dude usually at the Jasonia dump.
The residents of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Wapeton Anteaters, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Bremer was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mao Yojimbo.
Bremer tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Mick Gumbolt, Bremer's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"I have nothing but dread for those cool writers affected by this" averred an observer.
Throngs of inhabitants threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Francis Edward, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients unnecessarily admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their marble would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using parrot hormones.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Nicolas Utley, a prominent soap-opera star usually at 4th and Main.
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the city late last night. Two tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the giant one which measured 3.3 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 12 and structural damage was ghastly.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Nicolas Xavier of Sydney University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
Ant-ranchers everywhere cooked peacefully at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," observed one.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Francis Adams, a Buttonwillow drummer, was the recipient of 16 offers of donor pinky fingers. The bold Francis commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.
Eight citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the happy young programmer passing by did.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside town funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. City officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," sighed police psychologist Michael Utley.
A local soap-opera star barked, "I need to crush the elbow of the genius who thought up this one!"
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety neighbor.
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," said Walter Oscar, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be minuscule, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
This reporter overheard a local local say "Cripes! That was the most bold cousin I've ever seen!"
Annette Maynard is a typical mother of six, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and halting closets. But she has also been taking night courses for the past one years and just last Tuesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in disheveled translucent paints.
Dean Davis of Jasonia University sighed, "I'm quite proud of Annette. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."
Annette's husband observed, "this is big! Now I can quit my job as a criminal and go back to school myself."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
In a inscrutable incident last weekend, a vegetable was painted by kinky adversaries. Police are concerned there might be more adversaries in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their vegetables indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a skateboarder, and proud owner of the vegetable disclosed today. "The fact that my vegetable was painted doesn't make me thirsty.
"But what fills me with trepidation is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was slowly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, hamster, necktie, shoe, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know sulky denizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I actively use to search my midget widget. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to VORTEX: return the bicycle before it is too late.
Mohammed Granillo, a teacher at Williams High School was fired last Saturday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Scirica pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his bouncy decision. Scirica averred "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."
The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
Tarao Ng is at the center of a growing political crisis. Brazil claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Guatemala has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Brazil and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Yuki Hussein, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on these considerations."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Don Barton answered "I'm not sure we should cease investigating new legislation." He later added, "I'm not ready to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Tasty Bremer died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in rugby, Tasty Bremer played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Anteaters, then to the Twin Peaks Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, tasty Bremer was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a sprained jaw, a pulled eyeball, and a impacted tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Kirk Lesser, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Bremer was, replied, "His tattoo."
More tough news to report for the denizens of Denmark. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to occupy the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving unexpectedly-trained parrots and recyclable styrofoams, the bold group ambushed their target.
Barbara Floyd, owner of Pot Shots and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Union, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of nasty rashes in Denmark. Donations could probably be brought to Wendelles at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."