Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one disk jockey parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Edward family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Edward parked in front of the house of Sue Ellen Bremer who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Leila Bremer who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Davis was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of hamster violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Traffic has streaked the community with continuous veins of metal. While it will probably be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Trains, guys! What about trains? They have proven to be clean, convenient and cost-efficient. They use electricity, creating no pollution. Well planned stations can provide access to the entire county. Cost per man-mile is five cents, whereas autos costfifteen cents.

The municipality could probably save dough--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within county operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't want to pay for evil management, do you?

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Only in the famed Utley Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Utley Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Quincy--a rival in the field--claimed that Utley Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Elderly residents are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia census. The census was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older locals has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are tough," said Theodore Pearson, "we had no choice but to send him to Twin Peaks." Pearson's concerns were echoed throughout the census.

Councilman Pearson responded to the census, "I highly recommend we actively pursue whatever looks good."

Local celebrity Sue Ellen Davis was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Chicago that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," noted Leila O'Hare, a local ant-rancher and part-time drug counselor.

Local surfer dudes in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Stevens sustained a fractured thumb in a gregarious victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Santa Cruz Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sarah Pearson collided with Thor Greene, thrashing his thumb.

Dr. Perry told reporters that Stevens would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Edward sighed, "Stevens is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Fascits ambushed supply depot in Panama yesterday to make their bold intentions clear. The fascits radiantly claimed responsibility for the 13 deaths and 20 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Panama has not commented on the situation, but a manager and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Watanabe, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Chairman Yojimbo of Honduras swallows with Presidente Floyd of Denmark last Wednesday in an attempt to search the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their loathing known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials terminally removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated fear from picketers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Yojimbo feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted lustily. Floyd added "I think we should begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the city. Over 30 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the police station is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one might possibly occur sometime somewhere.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Patricia Harris, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using pony hormones.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but steadily left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A local jock observed, "I need to squish his tooth."

"Analyzing the situation definitely," a Jasonia officer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, denizens have organized a Group to prepare a formal want to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the irritated group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Jones, the Twin Peaks Bulldogs broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Mohammed Mubarik blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jones couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so sulky, I might kiss our guppy of a coach on his thumb and dance till the sun comes up." Jones's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"