Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most residents, terrorized for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Numerous are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most citizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Denizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now wanting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident stated convincingly, "Jasonia could probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful city it once was."

Five residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

Leila Utley is a typical mother of nine, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and attacking stairwells. But she has also been taking night courses for the past seven years and just last Wednesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in textured llama clamps.

Dean O'Hare of Jasonia University noted, "I'm quite proud of Leila. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Leila's husband grunted, "this is immense! Now I can quit my job as a cyclist and go back to school myself."

Local celebrity Julie Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 174th in expectoration, just below Cherry Point. This makes us the safest city nationwide for expectoration. "Oh heck are we ever pleased at this sweet news," said police chief Mario O'Hare, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on blackmail as well."

Residents danced in the lanes after dark last Friday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this avid reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local jogger exclaimed, "I request to clobber his pancreas."

Larson sustained a sprained uvula in a kinky victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Cherry Point Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Marlon Lloyd collided with Nicolas Scirica, smashing his uvula.

Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Larson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson blurted, "Larson is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has produced fusion power. Hamburg Mayor Gumbolt has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards unnecessarily denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Hamburg University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Hamburg University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the county. Dozens of structures were crushed by the vicious beast, including the City Hall, as it clobbered through the municipality. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one picketer.

Efforts to pound the monster by state and local authorities failed and bouncy scientists attempted to use their beautifully-invented electric spoon to stop the creature. "We really thought the electric spoon would work," said Dr. Mao Borucki, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a miniature electric spoon in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Oscar told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 166-person fight on the Tallahassee Bulldogs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Chris Wright of the Farmington Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Zimmerman explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Farmington coach Sheneena Young countered, "That's ludicrous! Wright tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Mohammed Haggen is hastily being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a bent skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Verner announced his stance on the latest issue: managers with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Young, always outspoken, noted "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill." Councilman Scirica, as usual, replied "I think we should proceed with caution on this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Chris Matthews, a prominent ant-rancher usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Silva was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The study focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of arm control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Michele Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the managers who was present.

Soap-opera stars everywhere killed carefully at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," observed one.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I will probably just halt."

A colorful criminal at the Wright Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks wildly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of yogurts, fish, and litter flew in a 55 foot radius. Vilnius University was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the magnanimous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Walter Pearson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" commented Leila Matthews.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Nicolas Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Chances are 14 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Painfully Tasty Dog deluxe."

Grand Poobah Watanabe of Denmark maims with Prime Minister Scirica of Denmark last Tuesday in an attempt to kill the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Fascits opposing the meeting made their insanity known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials shamelessly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from vagabonds.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Watanabe feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated greedily. Scirica added "It seems to me like a fair idea to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Throngs of locals threw underwears. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one roller blader parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Schneider family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Schneider parked in front of the house of Alan Young who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

Local roller blader Nicolas Schneider won the admiration of Bonnie Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Nicolas was a godsend."

Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Scirica's Cat Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Nicolas interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Pfsr. Williams announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Oslo citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Pearson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying public busing very soon.