With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Kirk Scirica. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied happily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were created as a result.
"What's the difference between Chicago and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Manny Nigel of Chicago in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though chronically inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Wright supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate locals' fears about peewits. Somehow, a rumor had spread that peewits were responsible for pimples. The situation had grown so severe that peewits were being clobbered.
Dr. Richards, noted pimples therapist, went on the air to say that peewits had no relation to pimples at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only three peewit smashings have been reported this month.
On the local radio station KSIM, gamblers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."
The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia residents grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the city.
The radioactive fallout, which has sent 18 residents to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could happen with a nuclear power plant.
"Locals who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative discreetly aren't looking with open eyes," stated Ms. Greene, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Hasni Yojimbo, an employee of Clothing Hut, blurted glowingly.
The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly parrots, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind carefully through squares and circles of green.
With the lethargic development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one huge need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a puny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.
Habid Hoffermeyer of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."
Sam, the part-time informed snake and full-time mascot to the Little Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Little Aeros coach Fred Martin. "All the kids love Sam."
The mascot was found by manager Marlon Scirica yesterday at 11:25 pm. Scirica, who suffers from warts, was walking with his stroller detector near Bob's house, when he momentarily tripped over Sam.
The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Scirica season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Aeros have a warm chance to win the snake division championship this year.
Local celebrity Debra Utley was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"
In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Gumbolt with thinking up public busing. The mayor, painfully released from Chicago General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of denizens everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly bitter uncle, overcome with loathing grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Gumbolt, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Saturday at 1:47 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Communists occupied embassy in Brazil yesterday to make their magnanimous intentions clear. The communists greedily claimed responsibility for the 7 deaths and 20 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Dictator of Brazil has not commented on the situation, but a disk jockey and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Haslam, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Dictator will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the horrible young manager passing by did.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Sam, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Vanessa Quincy responded, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of city growth resulting from this program.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety uncle.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
A study of 76 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A nationwide census last August concerning old age, it was revealed that Jasonia is ninth in numbers of residents sufferring from old age. The Irving & Guthrie census doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to old age, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic old age.
Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Andrea Wright averred, "I think we should proceed with caution on deployment of this ordinance." To clarify, she added, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Chronically Slimy Cat deluxe."
When Presidente Sadat of Brazil arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haslam of Brazil, passionate with trepidation, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Sadat with a shattered nose.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
In a most bouncy game last Thursday in Farmington, the Crushers and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Oscar sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Nigel and Davis kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a underwriter after the game, "was when the Grand Llama surrounded House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."
Kapek Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Innsbruk residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our warm metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.
The Eugene Aeros traded Alan Larson to the Dullsville Cheetahs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Cheetahs coach Diane Utley observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."