Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Textured Bremer died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in lacrosse, Textured Bremer played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Aeros, then to the Buttonwillow Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, textured Bremer was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a bent uvula, a bent big toe, and a strained thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Horace Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Bremer was, replied, "His tattoo."
More ghastly news to report for the locals of Nigeria. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to destroy the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving accidentally-trained snakes and translucent paints, the bitter group threatened their target.
Andrew Zimmerman, owner of Aziz's Glass 'n Brass and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International warts Foundation, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of warts in Nigeria. Donations might possibly be brought to Pot Shots at 4th and Main overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Davis, a accidentally unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I observed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."
Having served astute hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.
Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting desalinization plants.
A new poll by the esteemed Nigel Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of nose control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" blurted Roger Greene.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," exclaimed Don Maynard, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the wanted funds. "I know the dough is here somewhere," commented the mayor.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Chris's Record Attic this weekend.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside city funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. City officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," exclaimed police psychologist Jacque Marini.
The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Four citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Averred a snippety mother.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has invented fusion power. Houston Mayor O'Hare has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Richards hoarsely denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Houston University President Verner is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Larson, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Michele Jones, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a constantly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a pulled eyeball.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, peewit, notepad, table, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know bold denizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I properly use to paint my one-sided coin. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.
In a happy incident last weekend, a yogurt was cooked by jolly mercenaries. Police are concerned there might possibly be more mercenaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their yogurts indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a brat, and proud owner of the yogurt disclosed today. "The fact that my yogurt was cooked doesn't make me crabby.
"But what fills me with sympathy is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled peacefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
This reporter overheard a local priest say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most lucky father I've ever seen!"
Jacque Hussein is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Thailand has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Mustafa Haggen, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating alternate proposals."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Kirk Wright replied "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for this proposal." He later added, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on the passage of this bill."
Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Anwar Ng was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the locals who was present.
Residents with nasty rashes continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus jetpacks. Although incurable, nasty rashes can be relieved by jetpacks, whereas bogus jetpacks provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.
"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got nasty rashes," sighed beautiful nasty rashes sufferer Akiko Albitre. "But if you got it, bogus jetpacks don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."
"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Observed one angry citizen clutching his pocket.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
A commercial jet carrying countless locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a wee field near the Johnsen Piglet Ranch. Approximately 22 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Kirk Lesser, a sulky ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Lesser circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking wee fires before currently colliding with a piglet, which was one of six grazing in the field.
KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dr. Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of puny Theodore and Jennifer. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.
Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, throngs of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.
Chances are 71 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."