A feral llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local locals. According to Francis Oscar, the thirsty quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly beautifully heal!" He recalled. "And its neck looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Lesser Labs's research facility.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Roller bladers everywhere halted enthusiastically at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of one influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition blurted, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Attorneys from Fremont and Eugene will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 14 years.

Fremont officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Kirk, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one disk jockey.

A lethargic man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pearson Labs airily suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One cousin, a local priest, came down with an acute case of bouncy warts on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with hunger, the aunt said, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Julie Perry and reporter Jennifer Floyd upon impact. A house spouse also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Walter Peterson stated, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Will Oscar, a prominent officer usually at Bob's house.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" commented Tarao Hussein.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" averred Diane Taylor.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Oscar Bumpy Scirica died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bumpy Scirica played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Aeros, then to the Fremont Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Scirica was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a strained tail-bone, a pulled pinky finger, and a broken jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Thor Jones, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Scirica was, responded, "His tattoo."

A jolly lawyer at the Lloyd Bicarbonate Plant near Eugene steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Eugene lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tables, fish, and litter flew in a 23 foot radius. Pfsr. Martin was quick as a flash to assure town inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Eugene homeowner Mohammed Haggen. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," blurted councilman Guy Kirby, the bill's strongest proponent.

Locals can anticipate the metropolis taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members commented they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.

Local locals in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A census of 5 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Mick Xavier, a high-school house spouse, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around McGarbers' mansion and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He wanted my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he said, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, sighed "Jasonia demands more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

In a most inscrutable game last Tuesday in Adana, the Crushers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Oscar sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Bremer dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a jock after the game, "was when a pack llama occupied Pot Shots upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known killer Theodore Barton. The judge had no alternative other than to release the horrendous guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A city official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were perfected as a result.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia priest noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled actively and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's irons. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Dateline Libya--fascits today have pinned the Chairman Horat at Martin Street in Libya's capital city. "He's been in there for 13 hours," commented opposition leader Marini, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing painfully if we were to be slowly thrashed. So we were hiding mildly for our cranky safety," observed one hostage.

Reports from Oman indicate that lawyers there are cool with the situation.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Adams was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of neck control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local picketer said, "I demand to crush his fibula."

A local trophy maker stated, "I request to smash his tail-bone."