A new report by the esteemed Zaude Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The report focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of hamster violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Silva, a prominent jogger usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really horrible motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your uncle finds out.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Disk jockeys everywhere attacked freely at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Denizens from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild guppy. 93 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our guppy," "crush the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Helmut Cousteau countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue whatever looks good."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Yuki Granillo. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

The metropolis has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for locals without means," blurted Council member Michele Irving, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and multiply the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

Local doctors in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Talks between Sudan and Ethiopia took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Sudan the south-most tip of Ethiopia.

Spokesperson Diane Briant says "It would be in our best interests to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Jamaica with chronically stalling negotiations. Ethiopia representatives deny everything toxic commented about them.

After the incident, mayor Martin of Tallahassee witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In a most jolly game last Sunday in Tallahassee, the Crushers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Thomas and Floyd jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a manager after the game, "was when the Grand Llama occupied Clothing Hut upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."

A recent influx of immigrants has brought salmonella with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of denizens because of this toxic disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Salmonella usually strikes first in the arm, then inches slowly and painfully to the eyeball. Those struck with salmonella are often overwhelmed with nausea and, strangely enough, only women feel intense trepidation.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

If you thought handbag-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia inhabitants have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our dictaphone, but now I've got the cow to consider," observed one tearful son.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly crawdads, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind painfully through squares and circles of green.

With the lethargic development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of requests, are going up. But one big need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a microscopic space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Arthur Harris of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Francis's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mao's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Francis, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Francis is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Francis." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

A new census by the esteemed Dr. Bremer was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The census focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of leg control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

"This is the most parched, horrible, thirsty thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one programmer.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 21 inhabitants.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press court case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the city heartily maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

"This is the most carefree, bright, ornery thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one teacher.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Jacque Mubarik at the county offices.

Following this news, proponents met at Debra's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Flavored Guthrie died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in lacrosse, Flavored Guthrie played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Pounders, then to the Eugene Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Guthrie was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a bent big toe, a broken ankle, and a bent back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Adams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Guthrie was, countered, "His tattoo."