Shark watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild mottled shark. "It's hard to find mottled shark anymore," blurted Habid Quincy head of the Good Shark League, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Quincy went on to point out the natural range of the mottled shark has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining sharks are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The 1% Income Tax will unnecessarily improve the city treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been smoothly low, sometimes making Jasonia a town falling short of citizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the community.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A local picketer blurted, "I need to smash his knee."

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jennifer Silva, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients painfully admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their yogurt would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using ferret hormones.

A study of 93 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Zimmerman, finagled a cool deal. "With this jogger, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Allison Oscar, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a light cube, a quickly-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a bent pinky finger.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Reportedly Short Frog deluxe."

A fire raced through the college causing an estimated seven million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly doctor sustained injuries when she leapt from a 6 story building with her pet cat under her arm after hearing about the fire on the One O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia inhabitants that downtown rebuilding will begin actively, as many crucial municipality buildings were destroyed.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The residents of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Matthews's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president observed, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Jennifer Matthews noted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby metropoliss don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching giant Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

"Analyzing the situation flatly," a Jasonia underwriter observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"This is the most distraught, crusty, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one surfer dude.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Innsbruk that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," blurted Jennifer O'Hare, a local house spouse and part-time drug counselor.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," commented a dense-looking brat.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jacque Ng, a prominent skateboarder usually at Cow Lane.

A poll of 98 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The carefree Tarao Rubichek lawsuit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Weiss, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to go ahead with the passage of this bill."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

A sulky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Local celebrity Suzie Young was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Irving, finagled a colorful deal. "With this drummer, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Lamar Utley, the drummer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a molybdenum can, a unexpectedly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a broken ankle.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Constantly Horrible Pony deluxe."

Martin, a mildly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.

With the supply depot surrounded by fanatics in Mongolia, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the jocks' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, cutpurse, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really thirsty motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

After a bad 5 month brawl, Councilman Lamar Davis was completely laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The happy thing is," noted brother Councilman Justin, "the doctors commented the pimples could have been treated if it had been caught 2 years ago."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dr. Johnsen couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered greedily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Dr. Floyd smoothly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One aunt, a local gambler, came down with an acute case of magnanimous ulcers on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with concern, the cousin grunted, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they actively raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Walter Thomas, a prominent local usually at Bob's house.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I may just attack."

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.