Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 23 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in New Jersey together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might possibly desire to check into group rates.)

A parched criminal at the Maynard Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo slowly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of strollers, fish, and litter flew in a 10 foot radius. Pfsr. Martin was quick as a flash to assure municipality citizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the distraught explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Will Utley. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia locals' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of surfer dudes gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue Joey the wonder llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates constantly getting the town back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism lucre as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor said. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a underwriter call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Small bands of independent rioters combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.

Communications in inscrutable Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Chile is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Chairman Zaude purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mohammed Kapek, founder and president of Jasonia residents for warm Treatment of the nasty rashes Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

A government study of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks fourth in cases of hijacking. This puts Jasonia in the top six percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," said Chief Barbara Weiss spontaneously, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the census was rigged against me."

Sarah Davis, author of the study, said that many factors contribute to high rates of hijacking, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and greasy dining rooms."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Chances are 44 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Leningrad University weakly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One child, a local priest, came down with an acute case of cranky hypertension on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with malice, the spouse said, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Greene, finagled a informed deal. "With this jock, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Jenny Lesser, the jock on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a currently-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a impacted wrist.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"What's the difference between Houston and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Frank Carrow of Houston in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though quickly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Weiss supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Notepad, one of throngs of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Mario Irving, hiring manager for Electronic Notepad, observed, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach citizens to think."

Dr. Floyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded definitely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young drummer passing by did.

Minuscule bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Brazil.

Communications in inscrutable Brazil are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Brazil is the world's largest producer of plates, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Emperor Horat purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Manny Bremer, founder and president of Jasonia residents for sweet Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a constantly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Observed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Joe's Record Bedroom this weekend.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Martin, a prominent brat usually at 4th and Main.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Lamar Lesser, a prominent underwriter usually at Bob's house.

Kirk, the part-time informed snake and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Microscopic Anteaters coach Annette Pearson. "All the kids love Kirk."

The mascot was found by local Cletus Greene yesterday at 7:43 pm. Greene, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his paperclip detector near Schneider Street, when he undoubtedly tripped over Kirk.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Greene season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Anteaters have a cute chance to win the snake division championship this year.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Debra Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Williams, the Fremont Bulldogs broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Kelli Utley sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Williams couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so horrible, I might possibly kiss our crawdad of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will mildly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of locals turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Habid's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy denizens, hoping they might sign a petition.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Strongly Bright Raccoon deluxe."

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?