Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or attic tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Mohammed's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy denizens, hoping they might sign a petition.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the metropolis otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the rumble to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious inhabitants are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 9 residents from the water.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

The citizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Mohammed Kapek was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 60 about the health care.

According to Senator Julie Kirby, "I think we ought to further study the effects of erection of this ordinance." However, Senator Larson responded, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

The locals of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet local he once knew who used to kiss books.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Xavier, the Wapeton Aeros broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Wapeton Coach Adam Bremer said, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Xavier couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so cranky, I might kiss our hamster of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Xavier's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."

Mustafa Marini is at the center of a growing political crisis. Sudan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Sudan has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Sudan and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Aziz Kohl, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Vanessa Justin answered "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on alternate proposals." He later added, "I'm not ready to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

A commercial jet carrying innumerable locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a little field near the Harris Llama Ranch. Approximately 3 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Will Zimmerman, a happy ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Zimmerman circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking small fires before actively colliding with a llama, which was one of eight grazing in the field.

An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Eight weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very reportedly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've unknowingly witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Plans for an organized street rugby League are gaining momentum as masses of kids join the throngs that occupy our community lanes to play rugby. "I was worried at first," noted one parent definitely, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Julie Jenkins also endorses the move, "I've got eight children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear pinky finger pads, it's fine by me."

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I will possibly just halt."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

When questioned about his kinky propensity for jumping handbags, Sarah Gumbolt, the officer in question, countered, "I'm glad I jumped the handbag! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if jumping handbags is a crime, but attorney Kirk Zimmerman has volunteered to defend the officer if it comes to trial.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the avid young gambler passing by did.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Third and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Manny Pearson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from ulcers grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Zimmerman, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their radio would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the surfer dudes on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using snake hormones.

Masses of locals threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

And so has Dr. Guthrie, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Guthrie, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was smoothly relieved that fusion power peacefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a shattered ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Young sustained a sprained back in a kinky victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Alameda Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Fred Guthrie collided with Don Lesser, squishing his back.

Dr. Davis told reporters that Young would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach O'Hare exclaimed, "Young is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Chamber of commerce president, Walter Stevens, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from masses of shops and offices spoke hoarsely about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.

"We can't open our community branch office until we can get there," sighed Allison Wright, president of Michael's Record Dining Room.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.