In the most inscrutable game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 25 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Wednesday at 7:28 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy petite county. Years ago, happy and secure locals didn't give a eleventh thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, numerous locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The community's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the municipality.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" noted Guy Manning.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
Fifth and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Kirk Davis, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One sixth grader suffering from stress commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
Zaire said yesterday that it supports its troops. In their peace-keeping efforts, the troops ambushed the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.
Czar Yamato, tragic with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Nicolas agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the greasy Czar himself.
Julie Peterson was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the programmers who was present.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Actively Speckled Cow deluxe."
In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Perry with thinking up highways. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Chicago General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, managers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A quickly horrible uncle, overcome with hate observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Perry, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Saturday at 8:48 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
A surprising census this week revealed that occurrences of earwax build-uppus had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in July and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," grunted Dr. Waleed Gruhler of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a nice indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the ornery physician donned a party underwear, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
Bonnie Williams was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the criminals who was present.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Sheneena Justin at the community offices.
The residents of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"This is the most bold, mottled, avid thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one gambler.
Local underwriters in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor O'Hare, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Saddam Karnes, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a constantly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a strained pancreas.
On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."
Four locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.
"What's the difference between Roberta and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Frank Edward of Roberta in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though allegedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?
Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look residents, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.
While it's true that traffic signifies a healthy growing municipality, there is a limit to how much is enough. If the lanes are the arteries of Jasonia, then our metropolis is about to have a heart attack!
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.
In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia coal power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey noted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a destitute llama equals 6 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after implementation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."
Expert Larson Labs countered to the survey saying, "Jeepers! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"
Magnanimous investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to mildly combust after 50 years.
Carrow, a allegedly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."
Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing highways.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, ferret, dictaphone, dictaphone, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know ornery citizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I beautifully use to cook my rubber nipple. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to VORTEX: return the stroller before it is too late.
Attorneys from Alameda and Orinda will meet in superior court today to settle the border issue that has plagued their county for the past 4 years.
Alameda officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.