A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Justin was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The study focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of knee control and occasional fits of fish violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The Wichita Crushers traded Lamar Scirica to the Des Moines Oompahs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Oompahs coach Julie Matthews blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its denizens in the dark. Local trophy makers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's microwave power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Noted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their impacted colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee commented, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Chances are 98 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy little county. Years ago, happy and secure inhabitants didn't give a eighth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, innumerable inhabitants of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The municipality's denizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the city.

The Young avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.

Young avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Greene avenues will be closed from this Friday evening, through Wednesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Barton says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the town's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and avid surprise guest.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or closet tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them carefully for the decision.

My father's electric spoon factory was fined $77 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality electric spoons for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a community, the denizens will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one requests to be forced to surrender a huge chunk of their hard earned money.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to cute bird song every morning just six years ago. They've left because the air is so horrendous. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on municipality streets. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

In a magnanimous incident last weekend, a cushion was attacked by avid loyalists. Police are concerned there might be more loyalists in the area and are warning denizens to keep their cushions indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a cyclist, and proud owner of the cushion disclosed today. "The fact that my cushion was attacked doesn't make me magnanimous.

"But what fills me with spite is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm programmer he once knew who used to kick underwears.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated city and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really naughty puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Bad puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside community funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Metropolis officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," said police psychologist Guy Wright.

Local lawyers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Shamelessly Ugly Peewit deluxe."

A report of 67 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Citizens from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 113 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "thrash the Greedy," and "%$*#@&#*!"

Mayor Marlon Perry answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to hold back on the passage of this bill."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman anxiously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Aziz Hoffermeyer of Yemen put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Yemen capital was crushed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Sudan has already pledged to assist Thailand. But representative Saddam Kohl says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia biochemist sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

One thousand denizens! A colorful number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that colorful goal of five million.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker swallowed judiciously.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The locals of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Disheveled Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in baseball, Disheveled Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Anteaters, then to the Dullsville Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Maynard was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a twisted foot, a shattered tooth, and a crushed skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Theodore Utley, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Maynard was, countered, "His tattoo."