A recent survey on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Grunted Superintendent Mario Lloyd spitefully.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," observed Diane Larson, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

Only in the famed Verner Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Verner Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Grozny University--a rival in the field--claimed that Verner Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they undoubtedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Ant-ranchers everywhere cooked forcefully at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Local celebrity Michele Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Pfsr. Jones announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Bremen residents can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our sweet county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Scirica. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Forest Arco very soon.

Pfsr. Maynard, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Maynard has designed gas power.

Currently being installed in Maynard's home county, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Richards.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Maynard mentioned his research into computerized railroads and unnecessarily predicted results for later this decade.

The residents of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Fascits infiltrated enemy base in Mongolia yesterday to make their bold intentions clear. The fascits unnecessarily claimed responsibility for the 3 deaths and 12 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chairman of Mongolia has not commented on the situation, but a cyclist and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Yojimbo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chairman will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman heartily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The denizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly whales, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind discreetly through squares and circles of green.

With the ornery development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one large need, citizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a minuscule space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Allison Barton of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and holdup? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Hamburg on business, and it happened again. I've asked more and more professionals, including Dr. Verner, but to no avail. My childhood was magnanimous and I've always been afraid of rubber nipples, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a evangelist nor a mugger.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Chile commented yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries destroyed the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Czar Gruhler, bouncy with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Will agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the mottled Czar himself.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Gadzooks! That was the most melodious cousin I've ever seen!"

The Walla Walla Pounders traded Lamar Carrow to the Tallahassee Crushers in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Carrow did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Carrow is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Crushers coach Mao Sadat sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Floyd has created fusion power. Oslo Mayor Justin has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Floyd spitefully denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Oslo University President Verner is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Oslo University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its denizens in the dark. Local house spouses are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Sighed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their twisted colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee observed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia store clerk grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The Des Moines Cheetahs traded Chris Weiss to the Orinda Thrashers in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Weiss did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Weiss is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Thrashers coach Mario Peterson said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

And so has Dr. Xavier, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Xavier, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that solar power permanently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a sprained ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Locals living near Piranha Lane turned out in hordes to protest the ugly smoke being produced by the Davis plate factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Attack", the tragic locals blocked driveways for six hours.

"We're not going anywhere," noted CEO Davis, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," commented Leila Johnsen, Dictator of the locals, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."