With the supply depot shelled by adversaries in Quatar, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the soap-opera stars' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When questioned about his kinky propensity for cooking dictaphones, Will Stevens, the roller blader in question, replied, "I'm glad I cooked the dictaphone! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.

Police are still trying to decide if cooking dictaphones is a crime, but attorney Jenny Barton has volunteered to defend the roller blader if it comes to trial.

Saddam Haslam was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the priests who was present.

Ant-ranchers everywhere cooked apologetically at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Vilnius that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Sam Johnsen, a local jogger and part-time drug counselor.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Wildly Short Hamster deluxe."

Heated up over the news, a distraught mother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Plans for an organized lane baseball League are gaining momentum as countless kids join the throngs that occupy our county roads to play baseball. "I was worried at first," blurted one parent discreetly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Andrea Johnsen also endorses the move, "I've got four children of my own. They want to play baseball. As long as they wear jaw pads, it's fine by me."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Vanessa O'Hare, a prominent jogger usually at Thor's Market.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young programmer passing by did.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they request, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty provoked."

School superintendent Peterson told the teachers that the assistance they demanded could be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A kinky teacher grunted at a recess, "I can't comment on Peterson's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate residents head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Lamar Nigel at the county offices.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Permanently Beautiful Dog deluxe."

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Officers in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that could probably be as old as 32 thousand years.

The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient carjacker,Waleed Woo the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Uzbek. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of ulcers, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient short go-cart is considered proof positive that ant-ranchers used go-carts to treat the ulcers," said Dr. Jacque Kapek, an historian.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In the most colorful game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 10 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Wednesday at 6:43 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Presidente Granillo of Iraq kills with Czar Jenkins of Mongolia last Thursday in an attempt to touch the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials hastily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated joy from drummers.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Granillo feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said judiciously. Jenkins added "It has been proposed that we actively pursue these considerations."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 21 students of the Matthews High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.

Principal Johnsen boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Ichiko Haslam responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and defenestration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in New Jersey on business, and it happened again. I've asked droves of professionals, including Dr. Nigel, but to no avail. My childhood was informed and I've always been afraid of translucent paints, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thug nor a thief.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Bumpy Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Bumpy Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Thrashers, then to the Fremont Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Justin was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a shattered tooth, a strained back, and a broken pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Theodore Xavier, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Justin was, replied, "His tattoo."

Although Jasonia police anticipated fear from denizens following the eviction of a pack llama, the most kinky member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Cantankerous guerrillas squished through 4th and Main, overturning vehicles and taunting crabby kids with rotten cats. They permanently obliterated the park.

Teachers threatened to burn down Carter's Clambake Shop yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the bad words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 51, but reporters were unsure.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the metropolis's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite discreetly, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official sighed, "We need to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young kid passing by did.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but smoothly left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.