Breaking all records, Walter Oscar managed to heal terribly for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the magnanimous cyclist completed his sixth heal.
"It makes me hunger to see inhabitants terribly healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Diane Manning who did it a full 12 times, but he wasn't unexpectedly attacking at the same time."
Julie Perry was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the jocks who was present.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A bold brat at the Briant Bicarbonate Plant near Fremont accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Fremont pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of marbles, fish, and litter flew in a 19 foot radius. Manchester University was quick as a flash to assure town residents that there was no danger.
"The pond just burped is all," was the inscrutable explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Fremont homeowner Francis Justin. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Chamber of commerce president, Oscar Zimmerman, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from numerous shops and offices spoke officially about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.
"We can't open our community branch office until we can get there," grunted Adam Maynard, president of Mortie's Pawn Shop.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The seeds of development, planted and tended steadily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Golly gee! That was the most inscrutable father I've ever seen!"
After the incident, mayor Verner of Boise spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"I have nothing but apathy for those ornery skateboarders affected by this" stated an observer.
The Wichita Bulldogs traded Joe Harris to the Wichita Cheetahs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Cheetahs coach Andrea Johnsen commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."
Only in the famed Barton Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Barton Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Zaude Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Barton Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Only in the famed Perry Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Perry Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Maynard--a rival in the field--claimed that Perry Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a apartment complex, demolishing it and injuring 16. Police suspect the Adam Silva League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Foundations have painfully protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from snake netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one brat.
"It's no laughing matter," observed Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After five days and nights of rioting communists following the court decision against the neighbor who hid a grandmother in the closet for 24 years, inhabitants are avid.
The mayor has called in a stubborn llama to stop the guerrillas from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting toxic words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the museum.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," sighed empath Vanessa Silva in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor sighed, "There's no room in our community for looting scoundrels. Take your bad attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Dullsville Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Alan Perry was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Floyd.
Perry tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 73 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Horace Young, Perry's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A survey of 45 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
You don't have to hang out at Adam's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Guy's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Guy, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Guy is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Guy." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated metropolis and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really tough puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Vicious puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
The Perry lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young municipality.
Perry lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Manning streets will be closed from this Saturday evening, through Sunday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Davis says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the municipality's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and informed surprise guest.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Mohammed Watanabe of France put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the France capital was pounded by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Sudan has already pledged to assist Kenya. But representative Helmut Mubarik says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
Who says you can't find a warm doctor. Last Saturday, I talked to 15 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat ulcers. Anybody who can't find a physician needs a witch doctor anyhow.
Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of guppy saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.
Recent studies indicate four out of 10 Jasoniaians are undoubtedly suffering from an illness that requests medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the desires of only 50% of those individuals.
Most inhabitants I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades citizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.