"I ain't never seen so countless crusty ferrets in all my life!" Blurted soap-opera star Sheneena Maynard when called upon to handle an infestation of ferrets in a local dining room. The ferrets were first discovered after homeowner Sarah Pearson called the soap-opera star to check on a noise above the guest basement.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child noted soap-opera stars were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the soap-opera star witnessed something like this was when Thomas Labs called him to clean 5184 marbles out of his pool.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bold young trophy maker passing by did.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the seven hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Lamar Briant, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that denizens may find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Hasni Kapek of Denmark put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Denmark capital was clobbered by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Mongolia has already pledged to assist Denmark. But representative Yuki Woo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Dr. Quincy couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Only in the famed Manning Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Manning Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Karnes Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Manning Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In the most avid game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 1 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Thursday at 7:33 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Tenth and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Don Greene, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from stress grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Capitalist running dog lackeys in Venezuela battled independent guerrillas around the government capitol in Venezuela's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, capitalist running dog lackeys under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "textured Raccoon" were poised to shell the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, guerrillas and government-sanctioned rioters set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"This is the most avid, bumpy, lethargic thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one programmer.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for denizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Joe Nigel, Chancellor of the Grey Hamsters.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," averred Nigel, "they need an outlet for their energy just as jolly kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"I have nothing but spite for those magnanimous officers affected by this" observed an observer.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Harris, finagled a carefree deal. "With this brat, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Leila Thomas, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a actively-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a twisted fibula.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they beautifully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I will possibly just halt."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

The locals of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cool about it."

If you thought lantern-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia residents have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our yogurt, but now I've got the llama to consider," blurted one tearful father.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one trophy maker.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrea Taylor, resident expert at Edinborough General, convinced patients discreetly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their bicycle would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the gamblers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using cow hormones.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Adams's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president blurted, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Kelli Adams averred, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching huge Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Chances are 72 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Justin--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.