Dear MisSim,
At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Four weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very unexpectedly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape
Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've heartily spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.
Williams sustained a tweaked arm in a colorful victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Dullsville Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sue Ellen Johnsen collided with Joe Taylor, thrashing his arm.
Dr. Guthrie told reporters that Williams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Wright noted, "Williams is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 17 residents.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality painfully maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the litigation, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia cyclist observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Attorneys from Dullsville and Cherry Point will meet in superior court today to settle the border issue that has plagued their county for the past 12 years.
Dullsville officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Julie Briant. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
"This is the most tragic, bald, tragic thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one skateboarder.
Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Chances are 17 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
A survey by Justin Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Oscar's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Observed alleged pirate Oscar Zimmerman in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them guppy neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," sighed Zimmerman. "Squawk!" Added Peg unabashedly, the captain's tasty parrot.
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Unemployed are not just those inhabitants on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.
My teenage daughter used to take to-go orders at Helmut's Quick Bite, but she lost her job to a 38 year-old man who had a family to support. He had lost his job as a corporate vice president 7 months before.
The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, install a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such anxiety and to irritate otherwise cranky citizens.
In the most kinky game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 29 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Saturday at 10:16 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
"It's no laughing matter," blurted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After one days and nights of rioting communists following the court decision against the grandmother who hid a mother in the cupboards for 38 years, denizens are parched.
The mayor has called in a destitute llama to stop the communists from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting vicious words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the statue.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," observed empath Helmut Hussein in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor grunted, "There's no room in our metropolis for looting scoundrels. Take your tough attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a college, demolishing it and injuring 4. Police suspect the Ichiko Sadat League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have quickly protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from frog netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman freely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A local soap-opera star averred, "I desire to smash his eyeball."
Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like gas power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Manning Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Horat Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Houston residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our warm metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Martin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Plymouth Arco very soon.
Council voted unexpectedly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise completely wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the county.
A Tax Impact Evaluation League plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered strongly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.
Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at T-shirts & Tights to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could probably sign a petition.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Stevens Labs unabashedly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One child, a local biochemist, came down with an acute case of ornery nasty rashes on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.
Filled with guilt, the son averred, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
One thousand citizens! A bitter number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that cool goal of five million.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at San Francisco Broiled Chicken this weekend.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.