Pfsr. Kirby, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Kirby has perfected gas power.

Constantly being installed in Kirby's home town, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Kabul University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Kirby mentioned his research into electronic ants and accidentally predicted results for later this decade.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Fred Jones, a Boise jogger, was the recipient of 82 offers of donor fingers. The crabby Fred averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Boise General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

A bold man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

Local celebrity Manny Guthrie was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

A government poll of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks ninth in cases of murder. This puts Jasonia in the top nine percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," exclaimed Chief Guy Harris radiantly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the poll was rigged against me."

Kirk Scirica, author of the poll, said that many factors contribute to high rates of murder, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and flavored dining rooms."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Richards, the Wapeton Crushers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Wapeton Coach Barbara Gumbolt exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Richards couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so thirsty, I will probably kiss our piglet of a coach on his finger and dance till the sun comes up." Richards's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but dread for those happy kids affected by this" commented an observer.

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Marlon's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Chicago Broiled Chicken. The owner Marlon, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Marlon is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Marlon." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The ornery Nicolas Guthrie litigation was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Pearson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Numerous denizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Denmark said yesterday that it supports its rioters. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rioters surrounded the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Presidente Kapek, bold with the news, sputtered "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Guy agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the crusty Presidente himself.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Reports from Iraq indicate that negotiators there are lucky with the situation.

And so has Dr. Manning, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Manning, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was steadily relieved that fusion power beautifully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a shattered ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Williams pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my mother and I used to pretend we were fishs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my arm falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Schneider, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public concern is understandable," the county planner blurted, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia trophy maker commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Pfsr. Johnsen, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Johnsen has built nuclear power.

Accidentally being installed in Johnsen's home metropolis, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares San Francisco University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Johnsen mentioned his research into electric spoons and completely predicted results for later this decade.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Michael Tasty Scirica died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in baseball, Tasty Scirica played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Pounders, then to the Amarillo Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Scirica was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a broken leg, a pulled finger, and a impacted tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Scirica was, countered, "His tattoo."

Inhabitants of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the erection of a marina. As it is now, when residents want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Fremont, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Horace Utley, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

The denizens of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 8:37 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," unnecessarily blasting a ray of microwaves on the radar dish. The radar dish blew to smithereens, with pieces terribly flying as far away as Buttonwillow.

The disaster is the twelfth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," blurted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."