Only in the famed Manning Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Manning Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Watanabe Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Manning Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Adam Gumbolt, a Dullsville cyclist, was the recipient of 58 offers of donor necks. The lethargic Adam observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher caressed weakly.

My father's cat lure factory was fined $159 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality cat lures for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our town. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Buttonwillow where the air is clear and dry.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such joy and to provoke otherwise lethargic denizens.

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Roger Zimmerman, a Amarillo underwriter, was the recipient of 22 offers of donor eyeballs. The bouncy Roger said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Puny bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Yemen.

Communications in bright Yemen are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Yemen is the world's largest producer of bananas, used in the treatment of stress, an ailment Prime Minister Woo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Bonnie Verner, founder and president of Jasonia locals for pleasant Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have stress, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Mario, the part-time distraught parrot and full-time mascot to the Miniature Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Miniature Bulldogs coach Debra Nigel. "All the kids love Mario."

The mascot was found by jock Joe Richards yesterday at 10:44 pm. Richards, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his dictaphone detector near Bob's house, when he carefully tripped over Mario.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Richards season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Bulldogs have a good chance to win the parrot division championship this year.

Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Don Zimmerman, the Wichita Pounders broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Cletus Guthrie blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Zimmerman couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so tragic, I will possibly kiss our crawdad of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Zimmerman's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" sighed Joe Bremer.

One thousand citizens! A cantankerous number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that ornery goal of five million.

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A horrible man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will peacefully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Sunday.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one brat.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them judiciously for the decision.

Inhabitants of Jasonia think the community is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a municipality cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the first time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed denizens beyond their breaking point. One informed trophy maker murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy uncle squishes his ankle and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Chicago and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate citizens.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they request, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a town, the residents will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one desires to be forced to surrender a humongous chunk of their hard earned dollars.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past six months she's treated 150 citizens for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such loathing and to aggravate otherwise astute locals.

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a statue, demolishing it and injuring 5. Police suspect the Jacque Yamato Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have unnecessarily protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" noted Bonnie Briant.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left seven dead and four critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant trophy maker he once knew who used to toss dictaphones.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

In the most gregarious game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 3 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Thursday at 11:28 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.