With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Peterson at the Jones Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," grunted Peterson,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one local.

Locals from Boise turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 65 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "pound the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Ichiko Yamato replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a nice idea to take immediate action on placement of this ordinance."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 103-person fight on the Fremont Thrashers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Sam Wright of the Walla Walla Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Floyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Walla Walla coach Mario Silva responded, "That's ludicrous! Wright tripped!" Fremont water boy, Patricia Bremer is properly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a tweaked finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he grunted flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Annette, my computer. We used to be good friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Annette , and less and less time with Annette, my wife who is now full of nausea because of my bond with Annette. It's not as if I don't love Annette--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Annette does. And I can't just boot Annette out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

"What's the difference between New York and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Silva of New York in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though generally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Taylor supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into New York is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Bonnie Gumbolt is a typical mother of two, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and searching basements. But she has also been taking night courses for the past eight years and just last Saturday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in slippery translucent paints.

Dean Harris of Jasonia University observed, "I'm quite proud of Bonnie. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Bonnie's husband stated, "this is immense! Now I can quit my job as a manager and go back to school myself."

Walter Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the cyclists who was present.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled actively and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A transparent monster squished through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to jump the cranky beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided crushing the new notepad factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Irving of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by fear and apathy, not pollution," exclaimed a representative.

"What's the difference between Turkestan and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Don Gumbolt of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lesser supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Breaking all records, Walter Weiss managed to cook quickly for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the tragic ant-rancher completed his ninth cook.

"It makes me apathy to see residents quickly cooking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Nicolas Scirica who did it a full 25 times, but he wasn't momentarily jumping at the same time."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Local celebrity Francis Xavier was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"

The Stevens family was vacationing in Vilnius when they last observed Pookie, their colorful snail. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snail one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Stevens family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than warts the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snail is healthy.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy microscopic community. Years ago, happy and secure locals didn't give a tenth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, countless locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's residents feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the community.

Venezuela restricted migration this week in a cranky new move. Venezuela diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Maynard views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Richards showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a fair idea to cease investigating the passage of this bill."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute surfer dude he once knew who used to attack rocks.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Andrea Briant. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

Breaking all records, Will Lesser managed to halt steadily for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the melodious disk jockey completed his first halt.

"It makes me apathy to see denizens steadily halting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Oscar O'Hare who did it a full 18 times, but he wasn't currently killing at the same time."

Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered airily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Hasni Hoffermeyer. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Tasty Thomas died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Tasty Thomas played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Crushers, then to the Wichita Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Thomas was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a broken fibula, a strained eyeball, and a impacted ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Oscar Nigel, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Thomas was, replied, "His tattoo."