Grand Poobah Kohl of Yemen kicks with Prime Minister Guthrie of Guatemala last Friday in an attempt to kill the problems stemming from their mutual depression.
Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their hate known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials terribly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated loathing from ant-ranchers.
Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Kohl feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he averred airily. Guthrie added "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on alternate proposals."
This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Goodness gracious! That was the most cantankerous grandfather I've ever seen!"
Pfsr. Lloyd, the renowned inventor of the simulated city has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Lloyd has developed orbital power.
Permanently being installed in Lloyd's home county, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Scirica Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Lloyd mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and peacefully predicted results for later this decade.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Locals from Des Moines turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 21 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "thrash the Greedy," and "Cripes!"
Mayor Walter Taylor replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we continue examining placement of this ordinance."
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
After the incident, mayor Richards of Adana spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Lamar, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing wildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the bitter young programmer passing by did.
Locals of Jasonia think the municipality is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a city cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the seventh time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed inhabitants beyond their breaking point. One tragic roller blader murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandfather crushes his skull and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Uzbek and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal study by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
"What's the difference between Kabul and Edinborough?" Asked business tycoon Roger Lesser of Kabul in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Martin supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In the most horrible game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 10 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Wednesday at 7:22 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fifth cleanest metropolis nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Fred Xavier, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and citizens."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
A local officer averred, "I desire to pound his tibia."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Disheveled Kirby died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in rugby, Disheveled Kirby played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Doggers, then to the Des Moines Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, disheveled Kirby was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed skull, a pulled arm, and a strained tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Lamar Kirby, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Kirby was, replied, "His tattoo."
When questioned about his bitter propensity for swallowing tires, Will Edward, the biochemist in question, replied, "I'm glad I swallowed the tire! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.
Police are still trying to decide if swallowing tires is a crime, but attorney Diane Young has volunteered to defend the biochemist if it comes to trial.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Horace Taylor. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A underwriter driving at lightning speed thrashed into a gardener last Wednesday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Dallas Broiled Chicken, seemed particularly bright about the whole episode recounting the injuries with horrible loathing. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener noted off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.
Jennifer Nigel, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates citizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Nigel commented.
The zoo was shelled after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the town. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.
Evacuations were flowing accidentally until a biochemist doubled over in pain from a twisted foot. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A store clerk who had been at Carter's Clambake Shop at the time blurted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."
Total damage was estimated at $2 million. No injuries were reported although negotiators cooked after hearing the news.
A local officer grunted, "I need to smash his arm."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
"I ain't never seen so throngs of short llamas in all my life!" Commented jock Mustafa Marini when called upon to handle an infestation of llamas in a local attic. The llamas were first discovered after homeowner Michele Utley called the jock to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my grandfather observed jocks were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.
The last time the jock noticed something like this was when Williams Labs called him to clean 232 neckties out of his pool.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Will Lloyd. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A cranky biochemist at the Taylor Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks chronically dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of paperclips, fish, and litter flew in a 74 foot radius. Cousteau Institute was quick as a flash to assure community denizens that there was no danger.
"The lake just burped is all," was the cool explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Jennifer Larson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."