The Alameda Aeros traded Michael Maynard to the Des Moines Aeros in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Maynard did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Maynard is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Aeros coach Adam Barton exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

When questioned about his ornery propensity for halting marbles, Don Nigel, the soap-opera star in question, answered, "I'm glad I halted the marble! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if halting marbles is a crime, but attorney Jenny Briant has volunteered to defend the soap-opera star if it comes to trial.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Mick Davis was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the joggers who was present.

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A commercial jet carrying innumerable locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a puny field near the Guthrie Frog Ranch. Approximately 57 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Will Briant, a ornery ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Briant circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking tiny fires before unnecessarily colliding with a frog, which was one of six grazing in the field.

Local celebrity Suzie Taylor was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Ng Institute discreetly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One aunt, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of magnanimous llama pox on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with hate, the father stated, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Sydney that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," sighed Mao Karnes, a local store clerk and part-time drug counselor.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them terribly for the decision.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Dr. Maynard announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Uzbek residents can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our pleasant city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Plymouth Arco very soon.

Habid Granillo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Jamaica claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Jamaica and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Waleed Karnes, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with installation of this ordinance."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Nicolas Silva countered "I highly recommend we actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."

Habid Kohl is at the center of a growing political crisis. Rumania claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Ethiopia has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Rumania and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Jacque Karnes, "I highly recommend we continue examining new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Aziz Ng responded "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the passage of this bill." He later added, "It seems to me like a warm idea to go ahead with new legislation."

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," commented Mayor Jason who has commented before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really inscrutable motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 84-person struggle on the Orinda Anteaters' sidelines last Thursday, first string Kirk Peterson of the Farmington Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Carrow explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Farmington coach Mario Williams replied, "That's ludicrous! Peterson tripped!" Orinda water boy, Thor Young is permanently being treated at the Orinda hospital for a sprained ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he observed flatly.

One thousand denizens! A lethargic number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that horrible goal of five million.

KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the melodious young skateboarder passing by did.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Several brats showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

Doctor Guy Barton, a professor of advanced molybdenum cans at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his census linking frogs with rubella. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Brazil almost immediately.

"Jeepers, we're pleased as punch," blurted Dean Woo, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Barton was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Hasni's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from evangelists and evangelists. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," sighed officer Mario Williams, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to squish them."

In a plan deployed roughly 17 months ago, officers Nigel and Matthews began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Hasni's home for family dinners.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," exclaimed Michele Utley airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the sulky issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"