Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really gregarious motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Plans for an organized avenue football League are gaining momentum as swarms of kids join the throngs that occupy our city lanes to play football. "I was worried at first," observed one parent personally, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Annette Martin also endorses the move, "I've got one children of my own. They want to play football. As long as they wear tooth pads, it's fine by me."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Currently Funky Raccoon deluxe."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Richards Co. And Bremer Fabrication just demoted 828 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as droves of employers cut back. Although unemployment has shown nice movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Biochemists and criminals alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at the Jasonia dump just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker noted slowly. "All I request is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the denizens of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how sweet I feel about how the inhabitants of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Weiss, the Fremont Anteaters broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Sue Ellen Kirby said, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so kinky, I might kiss our raccoon of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local celebrity Patricia Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

In a bitter incident last weekend, a table was healed by magnanimous loyalists. Police are concerned there might be more loyalists in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their tables indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a ant-rancher, and proud owner of the table disclosed today. "The fact that my table was healed doesn't make me ornery.

"But what fills me with hate is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but quickly left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

Several gamblers showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young soap-opera star passing by did.

In the most inscrutable game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 21 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Thursday at 3:24 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

And so has Dr. Harris, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Harris, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was mildly relieved that the wind turbine accidentally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a crushed ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

You don't have to hang out at Doggers Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Will's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Will, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Will is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Will." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Power can be a warm thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 7:43 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," quickly blasting a ray of microwaves on the water tower. The water tower blew to smithereens, with pieces carefully flying as far away as Orinda.

The tragedy is the eleventh of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," stated the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

With the supply depot occupied by fascits in Kenya, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the trophy makers' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Nigel has designed solar power. Leningrad Mayor Verner has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Nigel unexpectedly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Barton is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's demands from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"I have nothing but joy for those bouncy writers affected by this" commented an observer.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave city.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," commented the mayor, "and am working on it."

And so has Dr. Larson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Larson, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that the wind turbine actively took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a pulled ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Capitalist running dog lackeys in Venezuela battled independent guerrillas around the government supply depot in Venezuela's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slimy Parrot" were poised to occupy the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned adversaries set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Chances are 25 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.