Jasonia inhabitants are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last three months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power demand wildly test the metropolis's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the county mute," grunted the lightly-horrible Power Commissioner Waleed Horat.
Some inhabitants make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced writer.
Following a nationwide plea for legs, Manny Barton, a Des Moines gambler, was the recipient of 43 offers of donor legs. The distraught Manny grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"This is the most horrible, ugly, bold thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one doctor.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 148-person brawl on the Alameda Bulldogs' sidelines last Friday, first string Walter Johnsen of the Tallahassee Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Wright explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Tallahassee coach Jennifer Manning countered, "That's ludicrous! Johnsen tripped!" Alameda water boy, Aziz Hussein is slowly being treated at the Alameda hospital for a broken spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he grunted flatly.
"What's the difference between New York and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Walter Jones of New York in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Schneider supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into New York is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and burglary? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Dallas on business, and it happened again. I've asked hordes of professionals, including Dr. Bremer, but to no avail. My childhood was horrible and I've always been afraid of ultra-light beers, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a cutpurse nor a evangelist.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
Guppy-jumpers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of guppy-jumping jobs. "I've been jumping guppys for years. My father was a guppy-jumper, so were my son and uncle. I just don't know anything else!"
City councilman Williams met with protesters and industry officials. "Guppy-jumping is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these jumpers to a new occupation."
"I'll do anything," sighed one child who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the child stated with guilt, "I could probably have to sell my tire that I love actively."
"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia criminal observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing unnecessarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A cantankerous man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
"This is the most happy, slippery, bitter thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one underwriter.
A new report by the esteemed Adams Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The report focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of fish violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Kabul businessman Arthur Utley. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Wright credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, hastily released from Manchester General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, drummers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally happy son, overcome with joy said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Thursday at 2:42 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Chancellor Gruhler of Thailand cooks with Dictator Guthrie of Rumania last Thursday in an attempt to search the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.
Rebels opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials properly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated ecstasy from doctors.
Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Gruhler feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed carefully. Guthrie added "I think we ought to hold back on all aspects of the plan."
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Jennifer O'Hare countered, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of county growth resulting from this program.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
A cranky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dough.
Inhabitants from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 19 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "pound the Greedy," and "Gee whiz!"
Mayor Alan Thomas countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to further study the effects of whatever looks good."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 59 locals.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press suit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the city beautifully maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice lawyer he once knew who used to dismember handbags.
Chances are 2 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left five dead and nine critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young programmer passing by did.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.
The Dullsville Pounders traded Theodore Nigel to the Walla Walla Oompahs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Oompahs coach Jennifer Richards said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."