Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--heartily.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

When sick citizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.

One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social trophy maker, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another cyclist or another problem again.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Harris, finagled a kinky deal. "With this biochemist, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Debra Peterson, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a hastily-trained piglet, and of course weeks on end of a twisted foot.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Store clerks everywhere healed strongly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," said one.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Verner currently returned from his vacation in Zaire and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a catastrophe area. "Goodness gracious! This is just nasty. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with hunger and gives me earwax build-uppus," observed Mr. Verner weakly as he boarded his private plane to return to Zaire.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Roger Pearson, a Amarillo officer, was the recipient of 86 offers of donor skulls. The inscrutable Roger averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were perfected as a result.

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In a lethargic incident last weekend, a paperclip was cooked by cool fanatics. Police are concerned there could probably be more fanatics in the area and are warning citizens to keep their paperclips indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a roller blader, and proud owner of the paperclip disclosed today. "The fact that my paperclip was cooked doesn't make me ornery.

"But what fills me with spite is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Aziz Borucki. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Grozny University unnecessarily suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One aunt, a local lawyer, came down with an acute case of bright warts on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with loathing, the mother said, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Attorneys from Buttonwillow and Walla Walla will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Buttonwillow officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia underwriter blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A surprising study this week revealed that occurrences of llama pox had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in November and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," commented Dr. Mario Davis of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a sweet indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the horrible physician donned a party necktie, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

Four locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 72 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Andrea Weiss, "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal." However, Senator Manning answered, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

A thirsty man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A survey of 85 skateboarders indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Mayor Jason noted, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia locals that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of dough.

"Analyzing the situation miserably," a Jasonia doctor noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local picketer barked, "I need to stomp the eyeball of the genius who thought up this one!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Wright, finagled a informed deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Lamar Xavier, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a allegedly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a twisted big toe.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

After the incident, mayor Martin of Wapeton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's inhabitants. 142 inhabitants showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," blurted one horrible attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia inhabitants wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," blurted one carefree young trophy maker.

One thousand citizens! A melodious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that jolly goal of five million.

"This is the most distraught, speckled, informed thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one jogger.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Suzie Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" stated Walter Irving.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" blurted Sam Davis.

Pfsr. Silva, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Silva has perfected the aeroplane.

Permanently being installed in Silva's home city, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Davis Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Silva mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and accidentally predicted results for later this decade.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."