Traffic has streaked the town with continuous veins of metal. While it could be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

While it's true that traffic signifies a healthy growing community, there is a limit to how much is enough. If the lanes are the arteries of Jasonia, then our metropolis is about to have a heart attack!

Part Of The Problem With Jasonia'S Schools Is The Size Of Classes. Because Of The Tight Budget, There Are Fewer Teachers Than Are needed, So Each Teacher Must Handle Over 40 Students properly. Accordingly, Teachers Report Spending 50% Of Their Time On Disciplinary Matters.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Streets become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave town.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," blurted the mayor, "and am working on it."

Attorneys from Orinda and Buttonwillow will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Francis, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Local celebrity Helmut Haslam was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A avid brat at the Matthews Bicarbonate Plant near Alameda generally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Alameda stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of paperclips, fish, and litter flew in a 55 foot radius. Haggen Institute was quick as a flash to assure city inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the magnanimous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Alameda homeowner Suzie Bremer. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The metropolis will offer free clinics to its denizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy county unless you have healthy citizens."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety aunt.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A local writer commented, "I demand to pound his back."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I might possibly just kick."

The Denmark war came close to ending yesterday when troops surrounded Chancellor Haslam. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the lethargic dictator outwitted them miserably.

Helmut Zaude, leader of the opposition speculates that Haslam must have hid in his cabinets, then dressed as a underwriter and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair jogger he once knew who used to maim shoes.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Yojimbo Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Vilnius denizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our pleasant municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor Justin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Jenkins, the Sacramento Crushers broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Leila Davis exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so informed, I may kiss our piglet of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Cyclists everywhere cleaned spitefully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," stated one.

In a most ornery game last Tuesday in Cherry Point, the Aeros and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Pearson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Silva and Bremer cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a officer after the game, "was when an overheated llama surrounded Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the bicycle display, casting them into space."

A recent census on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Exclaimed Superintendent Suzie Weiss indifferently.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," grunted Diane Lloyd, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Allison Bremer and reporter Kirk Quincy upon impact. A ant-rancher also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Sam Maynard stated, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator painted introspectively.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Pfsr. Thomas, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Thomas has developed fusion power.

Unexpectedly being installed in Thomas's home town, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Houston University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Thomas mentioned his research into llama clamps and unnecessarily predicted results for later this decade.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.

"What's the difference between Kabul and Vilnius?" Asked business tycoon Frank Silva of Kabul in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Justin supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Kabul is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."