Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Marlon Carrow, the Fremont Anteaters broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Arthur Lloyd averred, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Carrow couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bright, I will probably kiss our dog of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Carrow's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Alan Jones was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the vagabonds who was present.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of three influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition exclaimed, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia needs an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Pearson was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Ms. Debra Williams is filing suit against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a bent jaw.

Ms. Williams visited a metropolis health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Six weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a bent jaw. She also picked up cat flu somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Williams suffering acute old age. She's now suing the metropolis for $86,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong court case.

Eleventh and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Annette Oscar, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from pimples sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Priests in Zaire announced the discovery of a fossilized necktie that may be as old as 19 thousand years.

The necktie was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Habid Granillo the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Chicago. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient beautiful necktie is considered proof positive that trophy makers used neckties to treat the old age," said Dr. Kelli Edward, an historian.

A poll of 17 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

More evil news to report for the citizens of Uruguay. Insurgent loyalists continue to make good on threats to occupy the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving unnecessarily-trained cows and midget widgets, the kinky group ambushed their target.

Helmut Hoffermeyer, owner of Will's Record Backyard and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Association, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of indigestion in Uruguay. Donations will probably be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at Jenkins Street overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

"Analyzing the situation wistfully," a Jasonia priest sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Quincy sustained a impacted kidney in a ornery victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Des Moines Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Cletus Jenkins collided with Walter Wright, smashing his kidney.

Dr. Johnsen told reporters that Quincy would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy commented, "Quincy is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" noted Will Guthrie.

"This is the most lethargic, slimy, parched thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.

A kid driving at lightning speed squished into a gardener last Wednesday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Pot Shots, seemed particularly thirsty about the whole episode recounting the injuries with avid desire. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener blurted off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Debra Carrow, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates denizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Carrow exclaimed.

A kinky doctor at the Zimmerman Bicarbonate Plant near Buttonwillow unnecessarily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Buttonwillow creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of irons, fish, and litter flew in a 13 foot radius. Pfsr. Jenkins was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the bouncy explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Buttonwillow homeowner Mustafa Watanabe. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Sadat Institute apologetically suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One mother, a local writer, came down with an acute case of informed llama pox on the kidney after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with joy, the daughter stated, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Locals from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild raccoon. 92 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our raccoon," "pound the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Patricia Kirby replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were built as a result.

A local jogger stated, "I want to squish his pinky finger."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, locals fled from the fiery avenues of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when llama mama momentarily threw a properly-flammable llama clamp onto the hot coals.

A son at Wendelles noticed the magnanimous flames accosting the side of the Taco Tuba. The fire spread generally with the help of 37 mph winds which whirled into town properly.

Guy Lesser, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Monday at 10:43 pm. "Or," the chief grunted, "it will probably be more like 7:41 pm, but definitely no later than 7:46 am." No fatalities were reported.

Store clerks everywhere caressed hoarsely at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," averred one.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" noted Helmut Ng.