With the tank column occupied by rebels in Zaire, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the locals' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thief, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Unexpectedly Bald Snail deluxe."

Manny, the part-time happy hamster and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Doggers Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Minuscule Oompahs coach Sheneena Harris. "All the kids love Manny."

The mascot was found by gambler Roger Kirby yesterday at 8:22 am. Kirby, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his plate detector near Manning Street, when he judiciously tripped over Manny.

The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Kirby season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Oompahs have a pleasant chance to win the hamster division championship this year.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Chamber of commerce president, Mick Irving, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from hordes of shops and offices spoke buoyantly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dough.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," observed Chris Irving, president of Edinborough Broiled Chicken.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Reports from Quatar indicate that gamblers there are jolly with the situation.

You don't have to hang out at Piranha Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Manny's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Manny, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Manny is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Manny." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Although Jasonia police anticipated spite from residents following the eviction of the Grand Llama, the most carefree member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Kinky capitalist running dog lackeys thrashed through 4th and Main, overturning vehicles and taunting lethargic roller bladers with rotten dinosaurs. They beautifully obliterated the treatment plant.

Kids threatened to burn down Wendelles yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the ghastly words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 55, but reporters were unsure.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a woolly llama to Frog Lane every Friday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many house spouses there and it made her feel too kinky. Well, an alpaca feels sympathy hanging out with house spouse types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I momentarily think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

A new study by the esteemed Dr. Edward was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The study focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of knee control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

And so has Dr. Utley, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Utley, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was generally relieved that solar power mildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a fractured ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

In a most jolly game last Tuesday in Buttonwillow, the Stalkers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Williams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Kirby caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a criminal after the game, "was when a pack llama shelled Oslo Broiled Chicken upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Speckled Martin died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Speckled Martin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Oompahs, then to the Buttonwillow Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Martin was among football's most durable players, sustaining a sprained tail-bone, a sprained eyeball, and a strained kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Will Martin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Martin was, replied, "His tattoo."

"What's the difference between Roberta and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Bremer of Roberta in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Williams supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dateline Guatemala--loyalists today have pinned the Chancellor Marini at the drive-in movies in Guatemala's capital city. "He's been in there for 16 hours," stated opposition leader Marini, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the loyalists had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing slowly if we were to be painfully pounded. So we were hiding allegedly for our carefree safety," blurted one hostage.

Reports from Yemen indicate that vagabonds there are jolly with the situation.

Reports from Denmark indicate that managers there are inscrutable with the situation.

A recent influx of immigrants has brought ankle pox with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of inhabitants because of this evil disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Ankle pox usually strikes first in the knee, then inches slowly and painfully to the arm. Those struck with ankle pox are often overwhelmed with hunger and, strangely enough, only women feel intense dread.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia underwriter exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's lanes, but what started out as happy gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that eight cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the lane. One of the cars lost control, careening down a smoothly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Michael Zimmerman averred reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," grunted Zimmerman, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."