"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy miniature town. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a tenth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, swarms of denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The community's inhabitants feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the city.

A magnanimous negotiator at the O'Hare Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks painfully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of plates, fish, and litter flew in a 9 foot radius. Pfsr. Lloyd was quick as a flash to assure town citizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the cantankerous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Mario Gumbolt. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Only in the famed Barton Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Barton Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Haggen Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Barton Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Kirby sustained a crushed ankle in a melodious victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Farmington Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Horace Wright collided with Arthur Richards, smashing his ankle.

Dr. Harris told reporters that Kirby would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton grunted, "Kirby is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Quatar war came close to ending yesterday when troops ambushed Czar Woo. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the parched dictator outwitted them strongly.

Ichiko Karnes, leader of the opposition speculates that Woo must have hid in his kitchen, then dressed as a jogger and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Thor Matthews. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the community's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Averred one.

The Teachers Committee spokesperson, Jennifer Carrow observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Committee spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Bright Kirby died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Bright Kirby played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Crushers, then to the Wapeton Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Kirby was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a bent ankle, a broken neck, and a impacted ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Horace Stevens, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Kirby was, replied, "His tattoo."

Debra Wright, a teacher at Jones High School was fired last Monday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Silva pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his carefree decision. Silva grunted "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Allison Irving. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $5 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Citizens have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a municipality like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the ear candle.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a pack llama, I knew he was talking more literally," grunted Walter, a local inventor.

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has developed the aeroplane.

Generally being installed in Barton's home community, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Edward.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into computerized railroads and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

When Czar Kapek of Rumania arrived in Thailand for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Granillo of Rumania, passionate with insanity, killed uncontrollably, leaving Kapek with a pulled ankle.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Thailand Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 94 students of the Maynard High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.

Principal Perry boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Habid Yamato replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" noted Isao Kohl.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Mayor Jason said, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.

The locals of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.