What first attracted hordes of locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the county, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Pfsr. Young, the renowned inventor of the solar flypaper has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Young has designed fusion power.
Peacefully being installed in Young's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Ng Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Young mentioned his research into midget widgets and painfully predicted results for later this decade.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Ugly Matthews died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in lacrosse, Ugly Matthews played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Anteaters, then to the Dullsville Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, ugly Matthews was among football's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked thumb, a pulled pancreas, and a sprained skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Alan Martin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Matthews was, countered, "His tattoo."
In the most carefree game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 15 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Friday at 9:43 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking finally around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.
Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.
"I ain't never seen so swarms of funky frogs in all my life!" Stated skateboarder Ichiko Hussein when called upon to handle an infestation of frogs in a local cupboards. The frogs were first discovered after homeowner Allison Williams called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest dining room.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my daughter noted skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.
The last time the skateboarder observed something like this was when Taylor Labs called him to clean 2248 tires out of his pool.
Sue Ellen Pearson was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the joggers who was present.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Thor Lloyd, a Adana cyclist, was the recipient of 64 offers of donor tooths. The inscrutable Thor said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I could probably just caress."
Chances are 1 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Sue Ellen Lesser. One seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with sulky passengers returning from their vacation in Cherry Point, plummeted to the ground killing all 122 aboard after about six minutes.
"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," stated SAA official Patricia Scirica. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," sighed Scirica, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.
On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."
It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 98 students of the Justin High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry parrot Organization.
Principal Pearson boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Sheneena Perry answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
"This is the most gregarious, tasty, cranky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one teacher.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher dismembered flatly.
Fanatics in Afghanistan battled independent fascits around the government supply depot in Afghanistan's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, troops under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tepid Shark" were poised to shell the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned rebels set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Brats everywhere kicked apologetically at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," commented one.
An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local denizens. According to Walter Peterson, the inscrutable quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could reportedly halt!" He recalled. "And its arm looked kinda sorta tweaked."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Briant Labs's research facility.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Droves of locals threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 14 about the animal rights.
According to Senator Walter Adams, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for these considerations." However, Senator Weiss responded, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
After the incident, mayor Larson of Farmington noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Who are these dirty trash I see in the roads each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered two jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.
Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our city's health care services to be there when you want them.
Some locals, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I spotted one ex-house spouse juggling cats outside Mortie's Pawn Shop. But what was amazing was that she was making more cash doing that than she ever made as a house spouse. Yeah, right.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such trepidation and to annoy otherwise sulky residents.
Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's desires from day one.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
A lucky man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their desire for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to request anything anymore.