The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Metropolis planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing county. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
A local cyclist said, "I desire to crush his ankle."
Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied introspectively "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
Inhabitants from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild hamster. 201 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our hamster," "thrash the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"
Mayor Patricia Bremer replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should cease investigating all aspects of the plan."
Chances are 65 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local vagabond grunted, "I need to stomp his nose."
With the airbase shelled by troops in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the priests' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mohammed Haslam, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients terminally admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using shark hormones.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Hollywood starlet Sheneena Maynard, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Crusty Piglet," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 26 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Maynard.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Grozny for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Joe Watanabe offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Watanabe. "I'm hoping ant-ranchers will hear about this and start ordering."
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
The Nigel family was vacationing in San Francisco when they last witnessed Pookie, their ornery llama. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the llama one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Nigel family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the handbag delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tooth. Other than warts the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the llama is healthy.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Nigel, the Walla Walla Cheetahs broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Sam Schneider blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Nigel couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so lucky, I may kiss our guppy of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Nigel's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
A report of 11 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
What first attracted throngs of residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a community like Jasonia once was."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lloyd has perfected the wind turbine. San Francisco Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Lloyd wildly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
San Francisco University President Greene is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Barton, finagled a happy deal. "With this lawyer, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Theodore Carrow, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a hastily-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a pulled spinal cord.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.
A bizarre helicopter disaster left six dead and four critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
Several locals showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Julie Quincy, a teacher at Thomas High School was fired last Tuesday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Pearson pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his sulky decision. Pearson said "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."
The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."
When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my ankle. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michele Manning, resident expert at Innsbruk General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic stress that changing their underwear would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to fish tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using frog hormones.
"This is the most horrible, bright, happy thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one doctor.