Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one priest parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Scirica family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Scirica parked in front of the house of Suzie Weiss who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.

The Buttonwillow Thrashers traded Joe Weiss to the Boise Stalkers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Weiss did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Weiss is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Stalkers coach Diane Wright stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 25 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Ichiko Gruhler, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on erection of this ordinance." However, Senator Peterson responded, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Local celebrity Guy Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dateline Denmark--mercenaries today have pinned the Prime Minister Borucki at the five-and-dime in Denmark's capital city. "He's been in there for 17 hours," observed opposition leader Hussein, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing actively if we were to be chronically squished. So we were hiding unexpectedly for our sulky safety," observed one hostage.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

And so has Dr. Thomas, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Thomas, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that nuclear power allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a parrot with a fractured ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," exclaimed Jenny Maynard, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be little, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Throngs of citizens threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Pfsr. Harris, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Harris has perfected the aeroplane.

Terribly being installed in Harris's home county, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Matthews.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Harris mentioned his research into midget widgets and mildly predicted results for later this decade.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Only in the famed Davis Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Davis Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Verner--a rival in the field--claimed that Davis Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Slippery Kirby died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Slippery Kirby played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Pounders, then to the Eugene Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slippery Kirby was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured ankle, a pulled tibia, and a fractured tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Will Peterson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slippery Kirby was, replied, "His tattoo."

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Mildly Ugly Shark deluxe."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia residents have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or bathroom tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

A local gambler barked, "I demand to thrash the kidney of the genius who thought up this one!"

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Exclaimed a snippety child.

The Scirica avenue Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young town.

Scirica avenue as well as Main, Fairview, and Harris streets will be closed from this Saturday evening, through Tuesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Williams says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the county's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and distraught surprise guest.

A recent poll on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Said Superintendent Akiko Glotz wistfully.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," grunted Waleed Borucki, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

In a poll by the Power Commission, the Jasonia gas power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous poll blurted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a woolly llama equals 3 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after deployment. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Pfsr. Greene answered to the poll saying, "Omigawsh! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Avid investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to painfully combust after 50 years.

"I ain't never seen so many ugly crawdads in all my life!" Sighed criminal Jennifer Pearson when called upon to handle an infestation of crawdads in a local kitchen. The crawdads were first discovered after homeowner Frank Zimmerman called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest stairwell.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my son blurted criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the criminal witnessed something like this was when Bremen University called him to clean 3123 vegetables out of his pool.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.