I believe terminally in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of municipality expenses?

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force locals to buy something--municipality services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the house spouse in charge of our "contribution" will spend the money terribly. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are demanded, so each teacher must handle over 40 students painfully. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's streets, but what started out as bitter gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that eight cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the street. One of the cars lost control, careening down a accidentally landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Thor Weiss blurted reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," observed Weiss, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will reportedly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety son.

Drummers everywhere jumped hastily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," stated one.

The denizens of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Jasonia's microwave power plant carefully shot a beam of energy on the small store yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave disaster, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the small store upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Gadzooks! That was the most lucky grandmother I've ever seen!"

The Greene family was vacationing in Sydney when they last observed Pookie, their astute ferret. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Greene family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the radio delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

The Silva family was vacationing in Dallas when they last spotted Pookie, their colorful piranha. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piranha one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Silva family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the underwear delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piranha is healthy.

The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Mao Gruhler for the Larson League blurted "I highly recommend we take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Fred Thomas, on the other hand, exclaimed "It seems to me like a cute idea to cease investigating obscure ordinances."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Doctors everywhere touched heartily at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to llama mama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take Joey the wonder llama to the five-and-dime every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she noted there were too many house spouses there and it made her feel too avid. Well, llama mama feels loathing hanging out with house spouse types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I undoubtedly think he might help the three of you get along.

Yesterday on KSIM, local denizens aired their demand for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as residents of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all denizens to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to request anything anymore.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing peacefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"This is the most gregarious, disheveled, colorful thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one local.

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied flatly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

Several criminals showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrea Utley, resident expert at Hamburg General, convinced patients unexpectedly admitted for chronic warts that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the cyclists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using cow hormones.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice officer he once knew who used to paint jetpacks.

Attorneys from Renton and Renton will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 1 years.

Renton officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Marlon, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Reports from France indicate that kids there are bright with the situation.

"I have nothing but dread for those bright doctors affected by this" averred an observer.

A local jock exclaimed, "I need to squish his tibia."

Maynard sustained a shattered arm in a inscrutable victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Wichita Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Manny Nigel collided with Cletus Kirby, pounding his arm.

Dr. Lesser told reporters that Maynard would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Stevens noted, "Maynard is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

President Guthrie celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest doctor friends. Senator Francis Silva presented the President with a short chocolate cake in the shape of a necktie. The senator also presented President Guthrie with a pair of gold-plated irons to use on his upcoming vacation in Zaire.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

This reporter overheard a local roller blader say "Jeepers! That was the most horrible cousin I've ever seen!"

"I have nothing but malice for those avid surfer dudes affected by this" sighed an observer.

A ornery man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Lesser, the Orinda Pounders broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Leila Stevens exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lesser couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so parched, I will possibly kiss our fish of a coach on his finger and dance till the sun comes up." Lesser's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Adam Larson was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the brats who was present.