Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has developed gas power. Hamburg Mayor Barton has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones convincingly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Hamburg University President Wright is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Hamburg University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt unexpectedly had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only seven minutes! That's fast!!

Experts are not sure what turns inhabitants into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we demand help!

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

Dear MisSim,

A friend terribly invited me to drive across Oman with her. I want to go because I've never seen Oman before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a cat that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

In the most bouncy game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 2 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Sunday at 10:27 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Pfsr. Floyd, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Floyd has perfected fusion power.

Reportedly being installed in Floyd's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Dr. Taylor.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Floyd mentioned his research into simulated citys and quickly predicted results for later this decade.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Arthur Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most locals, terrorized for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. More and more are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most residents have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Locals are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now desireing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident averred unexpectedly, "Jasonia will probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful metropolis it once was."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The Manning family was vacationing in Leningrad when they last noticed Pookie, their lethargic snake. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snake one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Manning family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tibia. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snake is healthy.

Yesterday, I noticed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not eight blocks away I spotted a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the desires of the locals? The women was bleeding wildly when I drove away.

Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our community's health care services to be there when you want them.

I know it helps a city's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Orinda, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Braun Llama Dome. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Akiko Gruhler, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that inhabitants keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I may just swallow."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

After the incident, mayor Xavier of Alameda noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Adana Thrashers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Kirk Quincy was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Joe Taylor.

Quincy tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Alan Lloyd, Quincy's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Properly Ugly Piglet deluxe."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Gumbolt announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Bremer, always outspoken, blurted "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan." Councilman Matthews, as usual, replied "I'm not ready to cease investigating alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"What's the difference between New York and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Chris Matthews of New York in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Quincy supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into New York is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Chile restricted migration this week in a colorful new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Justin views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Schneider Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we cease investigating alternate proposals."

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"This is the most jolly, tepid, cantankerous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock attacked spitefully.

Eleventh and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Mario Barton, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from earwax build-uppus said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"