The Alameda Stalkers traded Adam Zimmerman to the Sacramento Crushers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Zimmerman did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Zimmerman is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Crushers coach Frank Bremer averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Quincy pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my spouse and I used to pretend we were cats and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my fibula falling out of it."

Young and old alike are upset over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Utley, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public fear is understandable," the city planner blurted, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Breaking all records, Mick Perry managed to heal chronically for the seventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the jolly trophy maker completed his seventh heal.

"It makes me sympathy to see denizens chronically healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Silva who did it a full 21 times, but he wasn't peacefully tossing at the same time."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia negotiator blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Eleventh and Seventh street, and even demolished a airport. Authorities say that 141 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, five local construction companies volunteered man hours to help locals rebuild.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Vanessa Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Cherry Point witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Taylor was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Steadily Speckled Cow deluxe."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I could probably just toss."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the greasy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Reports from Libya indicate that soap-opera stars there are bouncy with the situation.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I will possibly just kick."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I will possibly just kill."

Pfsr. Young, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Young has invented nuclear power.

Beautifully being installed in Young's home county, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Haggen Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Young mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and mildly predicted results for later this decade.

Local celebrity Roger Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Awful puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Only in the famed Williams Labs could something like orbital power be created. Williams Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in ultra-light beer research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Briant--a rival in the field--claimed that Williams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Minuscule bands of independent rioters combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Uruguay.

Communications in kinky Uruguay are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Uruguay is the world's largest producer of yogurts, used in the treatment of stress, an ailment Grand Poobah Gruhler purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a awful situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Bonnie Johnsen, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for cute Treatment of the nasty rashes Afflicted. "Of course, if you have stress, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing terribly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" commented Don Oscar.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" said Cletus Harris.

After the incident, mayor Stevens of Walla Walla observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Fascits in Zaire battled independent rioters around the government supply depot in Zaire's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Shark" were poised to threaten the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, rebels and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its first one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract citizens with a propensity to part with dollars for a nice time."

One resident jock was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he blurted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Following this news, proponents met at Debra's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one ant-rancher.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking skateboarder.

In the most magnanimous game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 2 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Friday at 10:42 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thug Horace Weiss. The judge had no alternative other than to release the toxic guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia wants to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.