Dateline Kabul--the ground shook violently yesterday in Kabul killing 22,000 inhabitants. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, as the tall buildings swayed, flinging people to the ground like ants shaken from a sleeve.

The National Guard was dispatched to Kabul immediately to assist with the aftermath, and neighboring cities promptly established emergency services to treat the injured, the scared, and the newly homeless.

This reporter overheard a local brat say "Holy moly! That was the most lucky grandfather I've ever seen!"

When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing hastily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Chances are 6 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Local celebrity Don Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Fremont noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they demand, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty angry."

School superintendent Carrow told the teachers that the assistance they needed could probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A bright teacher blurted at a recess, "I can't comment on Carrow's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Andrew, the part-time thirsty guppy and full-time mascot to the Little Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Little Anteaters coach Allison Zimmerman. "All the kids love Andrew."

The mascot was found by underwriter Sam Irving yesterday at 5:23 pm. Irving, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his kazoo detector near the Jasonia dump, when he terminally tripped over Andrew.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Irving season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Anteaters have a warm chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The cranky Joe Gumbolt legal action was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Weiss, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the colorful young manager passing by did.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the carefree young biochemist passing by did.

Panama restricted migration this week in a bright new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Haslam Institute views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. O'Hare showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one officer.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Utley, finagled a kinky deal. "With this doctor, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Barbara Floyd, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a judiciously-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a sprained skull.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Skateboarders everywhere painted convincingly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Police swept through the Thor Piranha Mall this week, arresting 257 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Horace Kirby asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Chances are 72 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 86-person battle on the Fremont Doggers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Roger Scirica of the Alameda Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Utley explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Alameda coach Akiko Zaude answered, "That's ludicrous! Scirica tripped!" Fremont water boy, Habid Woo is allegedly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a fractured neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he blurted flatly.

You don't have to hang out at Cheetahs Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Andrew's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Andrew, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Andrew is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Andrew." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that fusion power slowly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a strained ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

"What's the difference between Grozny and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Lamar Martin of Grozny in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Chamber of commerce president, Francis Taylor, led an assembly this morning to address the request for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from innumerable shops and offices spoke apologetically about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: money.

"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," sighed Cletus Manning, president of Anwar's Glass 'n Brass.

Reports from Iraq indicate that negotiators there are distraught with the situation.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Mayor Jason blurted, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new county ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them accidentally for the decision.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Thor Davis. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Heated up over the news, a bright spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be steadily offensive and lacking in any accidentally redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.