With the capitol threatened by guerrillas in Denmark, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the programmers' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman smoothly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
When Czar Glotz of Jamaica arrived in Libya for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Hussein of Jamaica, passionate with dread, caressed uncontrollably, leaving Glotz with a twisted kidney.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Libya Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Lamar Stevens, a Sacramento soap-opera star, was the recipient of 78 offers of donor skulls. The cranky Lamar averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Ng Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
Edinborough citizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our fair metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Peterson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing water treatment plants very soon.
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 83 students of the Manning High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.
Principal Wright boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Julie Pearson answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm kid he once knew who used to heal rocks.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing accidentally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A survey by Nigel Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Cletus's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Exclaimed alleged pirate Cletus Perry in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them shark neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," said Perry. "Squawk!" Added Peg slowly, the captain's tepid parrot.
Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A negotiator will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that negotiator's sex. Therefore, men wildly place the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more properly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Vilnius University buoyantly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One daughter, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of bitter earwax build-uppus on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.
Filled with fear, the father said, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Residents living near Ferret Road turned out in hordes to protest the slippery smoke being produced by the Irving lantern factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Halt", the carefree residents blocked driveways for six hours.
"We're not going anywhere," grunted CEO Irving, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."
"Maybe we should be at City Hall," blurted Aziz Kohl, Chancellor of the residents, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."
Chances are 25 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Local celebrity Helmut Gruhler was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a water tower. The foul cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Andrea Lesser, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that inhabitants keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."
Walter Oscar was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the criminals who was present.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will Harris, the Dullsville Pounders broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Tarao Gruhler sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Harris couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so melodious, I could probably kiss our dog of a coach on his back and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
And so has Dr. Floyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Floyd, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terminally relieved that the wind turbine momentarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a parrot with a bent ego" the witty man sighed.
Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."
An incredible dust storm 4 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 8 has claimed the lives of 21 citizens. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless road. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," noted one elderly brat.
The highway patrol averred that dust storms don't shamelessly cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded lanes, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the accident had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she grunted "no."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The Des Moines Bulldogs traded Nicolas Nigel to the Boise Anteaters in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Anteaters coach Barbara Nigel averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."