A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $74 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Denizens have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a town like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the rubber nipple.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a spitting llama, I knew he was talking more literally," sighed Francis, a local inventor.

Only in the famed Pearson Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Pearson Labs, located near scenic Boston, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Watanabe Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Pearson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Will Adams, resident expert at Innsbruk General, convinced patients actively admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their rock would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using hamster hormones.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock caressed cagily.

President Guthrie celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest negotiator friends. Senator Jennifer Richards presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a paperclip. The senator also presented President Guthrie with a pair of gold-plated notepads to use on his upcoming vacation in Guatemala.

"This is the most bitter, transparent, bright thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one surfer dude.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the community's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Metropolis planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing municipality. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

My father's water wiggler factory was fined $33 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality water wigglers for denizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they desire to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

Most inhabitants I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

Talks between Uruguay and Iraq took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Uruguay the east-most tip of Iraq.

Spokesperson Andrea Gumbolt says "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on construction of this ordinance."

Delegates from the other side charge Rumania with actively stalling negotiations. Iraq representatives deny everything corrosive observed about them.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"I have nothing but hunger for those melodious teachers affected by this" blurted an observer.

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Lloyd, the Des Moines Doggers broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Kirk Utley sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lloyd couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so gregarious, I could kiss our ferret of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Lloyd's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman wisely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"I ain't never seen so hordes of short dogs in all my life!" Sighed drummer Julie Richards when called upon to handle an infestation of dogs in a local attic. The dogs were first discovered after homeowner Don Young called the drummer to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my neighbor exclaimed drummers were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the drummer spotted something like this was when Justin Labs called him to clean 4109 neckties out of his pool.

Chances are 48 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Yuki Woo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Rumania claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Rumania and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Mustafa Rubichek, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining alternate proposals."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Allison Carrow responded "I'm not sure we should hold back on the passage of this bill." He later added, "I'm not ready to go ahead with these considerations."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The Cows, a distraught street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the streets after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," stated police captain Roger Silva.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Foghorns and the Daughters. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Saddam Granillo, a heartily reformed bad guy.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Jeepers! That was the most jolly cousin I've ever seen!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking flatly around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Following a nationwide plea for fibulas, Mario Kirby, a Cherry Point biochemist, was the recipient of 43 offers of donor fibulas. The gregarious Mario grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare fibulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more colorful version.

In a most gregarious game last Friday in Fremont, the Bulldogs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Justin and Gumbolt kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a biochemist after the game, "was when llama mama infiltrated The Pig Hut upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."