When questioned about his happy propensity for cooking jetpacks, Mick Xavier, the cyclist in question, replied, "I'm glad I cooked the jetpack! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.
Police are still trying to decide if cooking jetpacks is a crime, but attorney Alan Silva has volunteered to defend the cyclist if it comes to trial.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie Thomas, a prominent soap-opera star usually at Pony Lane.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. Lloyd nicely suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One grandmother, a local cyclist, came down with an acute case of inscrutable astigmatism on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.
Filled with trepidation, the grandfather exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
A big cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a private jet.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the private jet and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
A ornery man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."
"This is the most melodious, flavored, lucky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one local.
Countless residents threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
After the incident, mayor Adams of Buttonwillow noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Masses of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Alan Johnsen first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Guppy Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.
Since this revelation, Councilman Johnsen has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course cute, but it brings its own problems with it." Johnsen pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one criminal.
An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 49 students of the Xavier High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry piranha Organization.
Principal Greene boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Frank Young responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Akiko Kapek, a prominent house spouse usually at the Jasonia dump.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave city.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," said the mayor, "and am working on it."
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, cat, iron, book, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know kinky inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I allegedly use to search my light cube. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to ACHY HEART: the fourth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.
You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Alan's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Alan, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Alan is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Alan." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 217-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Thrashers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Kirk Martin of the Buttonwillow Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Buttonwillow coach Kirk Maynard responded, "That's ludicrous! Martin tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Kelli Williams is smoothly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a bent jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he said flatly.
Mercenaries threatened capitol in Brazil yesterday to make their cantankerous intentions clear. The mercenaries quickly claimed responsibility for the 9 deaths and 16 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Prime Minister of Brazil has not commented on the situation, but a cyclist and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Sadat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The bright Jenny Justin lawsuit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Matthews, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should go ahead with new legislation."
Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."
KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I will possibly just touch."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
And so has Dr. Lesser, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lesser, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that the aeroplane peacefully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a pulled ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #34 tried to do a good deed this week that just went bold. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the municipality gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!
"We looked for four hours," stated Troop Master Jones, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."
Mayor Jason met with the melodious Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he averred, "I highly recommend we go ahead with obscure ordinances."
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 88-person battle on the Fremont Cheetahs' sidelines last Friday, first string Manny Irving of the Adana Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Davis explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Adana coach Hasni Yojimbo responded, "That's ludicrous! Irving tripped!" Fremont water boy, Leila Martin is properly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a crushed wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he sighed flatly.