In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Martin credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up public busing. The mayor, momentarily released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of locals everywhere, drummers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly happy son, overcome with insanity grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Thursday at 6:32 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

President Stevens celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest local friends. Senator Allison Jones presented the President with a speckled chocolate cake in the shape of a notepad. The senator also presented President Stevens with a pair of gold-plated chairs to use on his upcoming vacation in Panama.

Numerous inhabitants threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A survey of 85 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Harris, the Sacramento Thrashers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Bonnie Greene said, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Harris couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so lethargic, I will possibly kiss our frog of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the needed maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist tossed radiantly.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Larson, finagled a ornery deal. "With this store clerk, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Francis Johnsen, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a unexpectedly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a impacted wrist.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Manchester that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," exclaimed Sarah Bremer, a local ant-rancher and part-time drug counselor.

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them shamelessly for the decision.

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has developed the aeroplane. Roberta Mayor Barton has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards freely denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Johnsen is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Residents from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild peewit. 234 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our peewit," "stomp the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Theodore Johnsen responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

The denizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Manchester that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," exclaimed Francis Manning, a local ant-rancher and part-time drug counselor.

Following this news, proponents met at Andrea's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Cyclists everywhere cooked smoothly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a woolly llama to Cow Lane every Saturday night, but I tried taking my wife and she grunted there were too many drummers there and it made her feel too bright. Well, an alpaca feels hate hanging out with drummer types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I unnecessarily think he may help the three of you get along.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its citizens in the dark. Local skateboarders are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's solar power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Observed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their crushed colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee noted, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Local celebrity Debra Kirby was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.

The bouncy Mario Pearson lawsuit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Lloyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Several officers showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered proudly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Citizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident observed lustily.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," grunted another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the city takes action.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The pollution in this town is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Charlie's Feed Store used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Experts are not sure what turns denizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we request help!

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to pleasant bird song every morning just four years ago. They've left because the air is so tough. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on county lanes. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such fear and to annoy otherwise bouncy inhabitants.