The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 71-person struggle on the Sacramento Anteaters' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Frank Williams of the Tallahassee Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Nigel explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Tallahassee coach Bonnie Gumbolt replied, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Cletus Edward is actively being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a bent back. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he said flatly.
Have you had Crime problems:
Hasni Yojimbo: "my apartment was robbed last February. When I called, it took the police 5 hours to arrive."
Theodore Briant: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my elbow and made me give him my dollars and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."
Saddam Hussein: "we had some tools stolen out of our garage. We were home at the time--I can't believe the nerve of those criminals! I guess they have good reason to be cocky when it takes the police 10 rings just to answer the phone."
Saddam Glotz: "when I was walking home from work last night, a man stuck a gun in my tooth and made me give him my cash and my watch. I've got to change jobs--it's just too unsafe walking in this area after dark."
Ichiko Granillo: "you idiot. Put up your hands. Now give me your wallet. Hey! No pictures!"
Roger Verner: "there was a drive-by shooting on my street last week. Luckily, no one was hit, but it was pretty scary."
Attorneys from Alameda and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 19 years.
Alameda officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Arthur, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the parched young trophy maker passing by did.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Zimmerman, a prominent soap-opera star usually at McGarbers' mansion.
Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.
In the most melodious game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 9 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Tuesday at 8:34 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Guy's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Guy, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Guy is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Guy." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Chamber of commerce president, Arthur Perry, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from swarms of shops and offices spoke nervously about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.
"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," grunted Diane Thomas, president of Theodore's Record Solarium.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 18 citizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press court case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the community chronically maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the litigation, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Yuki Hoffermeyer was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the negotiators who was present.
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 15 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Leningrad together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may want to check into group rates.)
Roberta University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Capetown citizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our pleasant municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Davis. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Forest Arco very soon.
More bad news to report for the citizens of Libya. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to surround the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving chronically-trained ferrets and carbuncle removers, the cool group ambushed their target.
Adam Martin, owner of Clothing Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International insomnia Lobby, is collecting food and money for affected victims of insomnia in Libya. Donations will possibly be brought to Taco Tuba at Doggers Avenue overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"What's the difference between Roberta and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Richards of Roberta in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Martin supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Jasonia airport. The vicious cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming residents in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Chris Oscar, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the metropolis doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Chances are 1 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Weiss has built gas power. Kabul Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Weiss painfully denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Kabul University President Scirica is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Kabul University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Wowzers! That was the most bold son I've ever seen!"
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Vilnius University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Roberta denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Launch Arco very soon.