As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Local celebrity Jacque Haslam was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the crabby young biochemist passing by did.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Attorneys from Santa Cruz and Cherry Point will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 10 years.

Santa Cruz officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Fred, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A jolly man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were invented as a result.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Briant was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The report focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Boston that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," exclaimed Don Jenkins, a local disk jockey and part-time drug counselor.

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking jock.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

A gregarious woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

The Maynard family was vacationing in Bremen when they last observed Pookie, their inscrutable peewit. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the peewit one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Maynard family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the cushion delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her finger. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the peewit is healthy.

Chamber of commerce president, Frank Williams, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from innumerable shops and offices spoke fleetingly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: wealth.

"We can't open our county branch office until we can get there," grunted Diane Carrow, president of Charlie's Feed Store.

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the eighth cleanest town nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Ingmar Albitre, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A community this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by town officials, industry, and citizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

After the incident, mayor Briant of Des Moines spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"What's the difference between Boston and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Chris Richards of Boston in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lloyd supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Boston is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Adana Oompahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Mick Irving was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mick Gumbolt.

Irving tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Fred Irving, Irving's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

First and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Andrea Stevens, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from old age blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

"It's no laughing matter," sighed Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After two days and nights of rioting guerrillas following the court decision against the daughter who hid a cousin in the cupboards for 37 years, locals are crabby.

The mayor has called in llama mama to stop the guerrillas from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting tough words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the fire department.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," grunted empath Theodore Williams in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor commented, "There's no room in our municipality for looting scoundrels. Take your foul attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

The Fremont Thrashers traded Horace Martin to the Orinda Aeros in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Martin did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Martin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Jennifer Quincy noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

When sick citizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the third round, all but six contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those six students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next four hours!

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She blurted health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young writers started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Dear MisSim,

A friend allegedly invited me to drive across Sudan with her. I need to go because I've never seen Sudan before and I wouldn't mind spending five weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a parrot that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

More corrosive news to report for the locals of Chile. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving accidentally-trained snails and carbuncle removers, the horrible group destroyed their target.

Hasni Watanabe, owner of Turkestan Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion League, is collecting food and money for affected victims of indigestion in Chile. Donations could be brought to Greenback's Bank at Doggers Avenue overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal cooked bravely.