Hollywood starlet Julie Gumbolt, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Flavored Dinosaur," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 22 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Gumbolt.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Edinborough for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Adam Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Horat. "I'm hoping biochemists will hear about this and start ordering."
You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Cletus's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Charlie's Feed Store. The owner Cletus, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Cletus is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Cletus." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Dear MisSim,
A friend quickly invited me to drive across Jamaica with her. I need to go because I've never seen Jamaica before and I wouldn't mind spending nine weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a cow that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
Wee bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.
Communications in jolly Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.
Panama is the world's largest producer of plates, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Emperor Kohl purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Barbara Martin, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for fair Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Andrew Schneider is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Mick Verner, Andrew's attorney, noted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to inhabitants' health. The suit claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Verner has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible court case against the municipality for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Golly gee! That was the most crabby father I've ever seen!"
Several gamblers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.
Quatar noted yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries occupied the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.
Czar Mubarik, lethargic with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Guy agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Czar himself.
Several jocks showed up for the event, but heartily left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.
Several jocks showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing currently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman heartily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."
Manning sustained a twisted nose in a kinky victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Dullsville Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Debra Gumbolt collided with Don Taylor, pounding his nose.
Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Manning would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Martin noted, "Manning is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Teachers in Afghanistan announced the discovery of a fossilized shoe that might be as old as 10 thousand years.
The shoe was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Mao Albitre the fifth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient tasty shoe is considered proof positive that disk jockeys used shoes to treat the stress," grunted Dr. Sheneena Schneider, an historian.
Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A report of 11 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Amidst a floodgate of flame, citizens fled from the fiery avenues of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a spitting llama momentarily threw a beautifully-flammable solar flypaper onto the hot coals.
A uncle at Clothing Hut spotted the distraught flames accosting the side of the Carter's Clambake Shop. The fire spread properly with the help of 143 mph winds which whirled into town chronically.
Joe Pearson, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Saturday at 3:48 pm. "Or," the chief exclaimed, "it could be more like 1:32 pm, but definitely no later than 7:46 pm." No fatalities were reported.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we need to attract vacationers," sighed councilman Roger Weiss, the bill's strongest proponent.
Inhabitants can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the county. Council members observed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
In the most ornery game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Wednesday at 4:15 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
When sick citizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
You would think a municipality would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your residents. If your residents are sick, it doesn't say much for your county.
When some citizens think the chances are fair that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social surfer dude, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another priest or another problem again.
You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Andrew's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Isao's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Andrew, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Andrew is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Andrew." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the transparent sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia requests schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
A poll of 6 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.