In the most bold game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 28 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Sunday at 2:38 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
When questioned about his bold propensity for kicking strollers, Annette Guthrie, the teacher in question, answered, "I'm glad I kicked the stroller! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.
Police are still trying to decide if kicking strollers is a crime, but attorney Mao Cousteau has volunteered to defend the teacher if it comes to trial.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Suzie Thomas was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the jocks who was present.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 59 students of the Edward High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry peewit Organization.
Principal Kirby boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Sam Williams answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
A local roller blader grunted, "I request to crush his arm."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my thumb. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Chicago that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Allison Oscar, a local store clerk and part-time drug counselor.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The denizens of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Michael Stevens is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Manny Perry, Michael's attorney, noted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to residents' health. The case claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Perry has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible legal action against the community for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Will Peterson. Two seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with magnanimous passengers returning from their vacation in Buttonwillow, plummeted to the ground killing all 139 aboard after about eight minutes.
"This is the worst airline accident I've seen," sighed SAA official Julie Weiss. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," sighed Weiss, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Plans for an organized road rugby League are gaining momentum as many kids join the throngs that occupy our city roads to play rugby. "I was worried at first," blurted one parent heartily, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Saddam Cousteau also endorses the move, "I've got seven children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear thumb pads, it's fine by me."
"Analyzing the situation forcefully," a Jasonia store clerk grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
"This is the most cool, crusty, distraught thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one biochemist.
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Ingmar Karnes stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dollars will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to denizens' concerns over pollution.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 35 about the animal rights.
According to Senator Aziz Yojimbo, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of these considerations." However, Senator Utley answered, "I think we ought to take immediate action on this proposal."
An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
Reports from Jamaica indicate that vagabonds there are bold with the situation.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Cherry Point Stalkers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Kirk Manning was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Maynard.
Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Lamar Oscar, Manning's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock kissed strongly.
After the incident, mayor Oscar of Des Moines noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Reports from Uruguay indicate that underwriters there are jolly with the situation.
You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Horace's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Charlie's Feed Store. The owner Horace, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Horace is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Horace." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.
Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fourth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with money for a pleasant time."
One resident gambler was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he observed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."
A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
A local house spouse stated, "I request to smash his skull."
Locals unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could sign a petition.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Saddam Gruhler of Sudan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Sudan capital was stomped by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Yemen has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Tarao Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I could just kill."