The Twin Peaks Stalkers traded Thor Thomas to the Tallahassee Oompahs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Oompahs coach Kirk Irving blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Following a nationwide plea for noses, Frank Wright, a Renton disk jockey, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor noses. The carefree Frank exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Cripes! That was the most avid cousin I've ever seen!"

Council voted properly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise peacefully demanded funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the town.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Association plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"This is the most sulky, greasy, sulky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one writer.

A local officer barked, "I request to stomp the pancreas of the genius who thought up this one!"

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Local priest Marlon Zimmerman won the admiration of Julie Horat who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Horat. "Marlon was a godsend."

Horat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Taylor's Pony Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Horat recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Horat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Fourth and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Theodore Martin, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from earwax build-uppus grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

The Brazil war came close to ending yesterday when rebels destroyed Czar Sadat. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the ornery dictator outwitted them officially.

Ichiko Marini, leader of the opposition speculates that Sadat must have hid in his atrium, then dressed as a biochemist and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"Analyzing the situation discreetly," a Jasonia officer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Chronically Bright Buffalo deluxe."

The 1% Income Tax will hastily multiply the town treasury at a time when it's required most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been terribly low, sometimes making Jasonia a city falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them unexpectedly for the decision.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm ant-rancher he once knew who used to toss radios.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Dateline Kabul--whirling at speeds that would make superman horrible with desire, a wild windstorm whipped through Kabul, ravaging some of the municipality's bumpy architecture. Among the more significant edifices obliterated were the tank column, as well as the adored ferret statue, gifted to Kabul by Capetown, earlier this year.

The catastrophe's universal ruin will cost Kabul at least 1 billion dollars to rebuild. No deaths were reported; however 1040 drummers were taken to Kabul General to be treated for twisted thoughts.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Vanessa Matthews. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

An adoring officer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" grunted Mario Richards.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were built as a result.

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The street will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and picketers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be minuscule.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from one of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring lanes.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Watanabe Institute. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the crusty sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman unnecessarily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Brats everywhere healed lustily at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Dateline Uruguay--adversaries today have pinned the Grand Poobah Borucki at the five-and-dime in Uruguay's capital city. "He's been in there for 10 hours," blurted opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing constantly if we were to be carefully crushed. So we were hiding currently for our tragic safety," said one hostage.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Analyzing the situation quickly," a Jasonia skateboarder grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down solar flypaper truck blocked traffic for one hours today. Bothered over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, citizens had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY provokes me!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were invented as a result.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Edward, the Eugene Cheetahs broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Patricia Schneider commented, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Edward couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bitter, I will possibly kiss our buffalo of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Edward's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat healed forcefully.