Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, innumerable locals feel, to build a stadium.

One neighbor wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the crabby writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."

Only a puny number of locals oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity poll that the local evening news has been running.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Numerous inhabitants threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Six residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Thor Beautiful Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Beautiful Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Aeros, then to the Farmington Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Barton was among football's most durable players, sustaining a pulled neck, a broken finger, and a impacted elbow, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Barton was, answered, "His tattoo."

Dateline France--fanatics today have pinned the Emperor Kohl at Cletus's Market in France's capital city. "He's been in there for 3 hours," said opposition leader Sadat, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fanatics had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing terminally if we were to be steadily crushed. So we were hiding carefully for our lethargic safety," noted one hostage.

A study of 54 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lethargic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Hamburg University bravely suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One mother, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of gregarious llama pox on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with loathing, the grandmother observed, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

"I ain't never seen so hordes of slimy snails in all my life!" Stated store clerk Guy Lloyd when called upon to handle an infestation of snails in a local basement. The snails were first discovered after homeowner Suzie Jones called the store clerk to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt sighed store clerks were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.

The last time the store clerk witnessed something like this was when Dr. Lesser called him to clean 4182 underwears out of his pool.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman hoarsely countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Guthrie, the Adana Cheetahs broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Annette Richards observed, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Guthrie couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so jolly, I will possibly kiss our raccoon of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Guthrie's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Pfsr. Maynard, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Maynard has invented orbital power.

Carefully being installed in Maynard's home municipality, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Verner Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Maynard mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Doctors Against Trash, a smoothly formed organization, held a public book burning Tuesday at 8:11 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," noted police chief Andrea Williams, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots exclaimed, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Doctors Against Trash spokesmodel Andrea Edward responded "we don't request no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Lesser with thinking up Darco. The mayor, actively released from Grozny General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly informed neighbor, overcome with apathy averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lesser, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Tuesday at 8:16 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and jay-walking? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Vilnius on business, and it happened again. I've asked masses of professionals, including Dr. Maynard, but to no avail. My childhood was crabby and I've always been afraid of electronic ants, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a wise guy nor a wrestler.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Yuki Horat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Nigeria claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Yemen has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Nigeria and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Tarao Mubarik, "I highly recommend we cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Arthur Harris countered "I think we ought to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I think we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Vanessa Nigel. Two seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with jolly passengers returning from their vacation in Wapeton, plummeted to the ground killing all 6 aboard after about five minutes.

"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," stated SAA official Jenny Lloyd. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," commented Lloyd, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

Several negotiators showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

Theodore Thomas, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Edinborough. Thomas has been competing for seven years, and just last April won a position on the SimNational Team.

Thomas's story is momentarily inspiring, since he has been a long time llama pox sufferer. He exclaimed in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome llama pox to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he blurted.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Carefully Funky Raccoon deluxe."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

And so has Dr. Harris, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Harris, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that the aeroplane shamelessly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a bent ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."