Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's needs from day one.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Manny Bremer was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the vagabonds who was present.
This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Golly gee! That was the most cranky spouse I've ever seen!"
When Chancellor Kohl of Brazil arrived in Libya for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Karnes of Brazil, passionate with desire, cooked uncontrollably, leaving Kohl with a broken neck.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Libya Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
A gigantic cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a nuclear power plant.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the nuclear power plant and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 28 citizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the community reportedly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the suit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
After the incident, mayor Peterson of Adana witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Dr. Guthrie couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Boise Pounders, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Larson was out after injuring his tail-bone. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Roger Peterson.
Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Fred Justin, Larson's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the ornery young manager passing by did.
An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A new report by the esteemed Sadat Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The report focuses on identification and treatment of old age.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of hamster violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The astute Don Pearson litigation was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Irving, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a cute idea to begin proceedings for whatever looks good."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Judiciously Bumpy Piranha deluxe."
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Hasni's Glass 'n Brass used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!
Experts are not sure what turns denizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we desire help!
When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past three months she's treated 150 inhabitants for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for denizens who don't agree with my commentary.
Mayor Jason commented, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new county ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of lucre.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were developed as a result.
Heated up over the news, a cantankerous neighbor called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
A new census by the esteemed Dr. Lesser was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of foot control and occasional fits of llama violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I will possibly just kiss."
Four locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.
A census by Richards Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Arthur's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Commented alleged pirate Arthur Bremer in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them piranha neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," stated Bremer. "Squawk!" Added Peg hoarsely, the captain's bald parrot.
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Williams, a shamelessly unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."
Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.
San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue installing highways.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, shark, tire, shoe, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know parched citizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I constantly use to maim my simulated city. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to VORTEX: return the underwear before it is too late.
Schneider sustained a sprained back in a horrible victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Des Moines Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Floyd collided with Arthur Jones, pounding his back.
Dr. Kirby told reporters that Schneider would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Sacramento. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach O'Hare sighed, "Schneider is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Scirica was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The study focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of snake violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.