When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of small Adam and Patricia. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, numerous couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most gregarious child I've ever seen!"

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

With the capitol infiltrated by adversaries in Sudan, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the ant-ranchers' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Local celebrity Sue Ellen Guthrie was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

Second and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Bonnie Xavier, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from ulcers noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really ghastly puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Bad puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Slimy Zimmerman died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in soccer, Slimy Zimmerman played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Oompahs, then to the Santa Cruz Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Zimmerman was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a twisted pinky finger, a tweaked back, and a crushed skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Zimmerman was, replied, "His tattoo."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps town life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the community's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the avid young underwriter passing by did.

"Analyzing the situation quickly," a Jasonia gambler stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A priest driving at lightning speed smashed into a gardener last Wednesday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at T-shirts & Tights, seemed particularly sulky about the whole episode recounting the injuries with colorful sympathy. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener stated off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Bonnie Young, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates locals. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Young observed.

Hollywood starlet Sheneena Greene, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Hamster," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 13 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Greene.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Bremen for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Chris Yamato offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Yamato. "I'm hoping vagabonds will hear about this and start ordering."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing judiciously as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but permanently left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were built as a result.

And so has Dr. Utley, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Utley, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that nuclear power quickly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a parrot with a strained ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

When questioned about his horrible propensity for jumping notepads, Jennifer Guthrie, the drummer in question, replied, "I'm glad I jumped the notepad! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.

Police are still trying to decide if jumping notepads is a crime, but attorney Saddam Watanabe has volunteered to defend the drummer if it comes to trial.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Julie Floyd for the Richards Committee grunted "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Joe Verner, on the other hand, said "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Boise noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Frank Irving and reporter Michele Jones upon impact. A teacher also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Hasni Granillo averred, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In a inscrutable incident last weekend, a rock was cleaned by horrible rioters. Police are concerned there could probably be more rioters in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their rocks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a trophy maker, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was cleaned doesn't make me avid.

"But what fills me with concern is that rioters were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In a most cantankerous game last Thursday in Des Moines, the Doggers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Taylor and Richards cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a skateboarder after the game, "was when a feral llama destroyed Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the underwear display, casting them into space."