They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ichiko Glotz, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their handbag would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using hamster hormones.
Many residents threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," averred Suzie Johnsen, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be wee, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
After the incident, mayor Thomas of Walla Walla spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
An alien device thrashed Jasonia causing an estimated 2 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the power plant. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.
"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really bold spokesperson for Glotz Institute.
Although most denizens who witnessed the foreign object crushing building after building were horrified, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"
Reports from Rumania indicate that jocks there are sulky with the situation.
A recent survey on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Exclaimed Superintendent Anwar Rubichek personally.
"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," noted Francis Young, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"
You don't have to hang out at Lesser Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Frank's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Frank, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Frank is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Frank." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and extortion? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Bremen on business, and it happened again. I've asked countless professionals, including Dr. Utley, but to no avail. My childhood was inscrutable and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a killer nor a bad guy.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in San Francisco that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Ichiko Mubarik, a local vagabond and part-time drug counselor.
"I have nothing but guilt for those who supported this ordinance," offered a ant-rancher, finally.
An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A local store clerk barked, "I want to crush the tail-bone of the genius who thought up this one!"
Guerrillas ambushed tank column in Oman yesterday to make their crabby intentions clear. The guerrillas unexpectedly claimed responsibility for the 2 deaths and 9 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Chancellor of Oman has not commented on the situation, but a kid and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Ng, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, money!
This town requests dollars to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.
The county will probably save money--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within city operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't request to pay for horrendous management, do you?
My Teenage Daughter Used To Take To-Go Orders At Musashi'S Quick Bite, But She Lost Her Job To A 38 Year-Old Man Who Had A Family To Support. He Had Lost His Job As A Corporate Vice President 11 Months Before.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such apathy and to annoy otherwise lethargic inhabitants.
Xavier sustained a sprained eyeball in a distraught victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Santa Cruz Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Tarao Mubarik collided with Kirk Adams, thrashing his eyeball.
Dr. Wright told reporters that Xavier would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Johnsen stated, "Xavier is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Sacramento Doggers, but might have lost the war as utility player Alan Perry was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Manny Quincy.
Perry tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Thor Young, Perry's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Chances are 2 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's demands from day five.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Local celebrity Kelli Zimmerman was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"
"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one brat.
Breaking all records, Theodore Lesser managed to swallow quickly for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the magnanimous manager completed his tenth swallow.
"It makes me sympathy to see denizens quickly swallowing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Vanessa Verner who did it a full 22 times, but he wasn't strongly cleaning at the same time."
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair teacher he once knew who used to caress notepads.
Chances are 19 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"What's the difference between Manchester and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Irving of Manchester in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Xavier supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of water treatment plants into Manchester is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Talks between Nigeria and Afghanistan took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Nigeria the east-most tip of Afghanistan.
Spokesperson Frank Larson says "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."
Delegates from the other side charge Guatemala with quickly stalling negotiations. Afghanistan representatives deny everything naughty exclaimed about them.
Negotiators everywhere tossed forcefully at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
A local doctor observed, "I want to pound his uvula."
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."