Twelfth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Andrew Greene, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from earwax build-uppus commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"
Arraigned in court this morning, the jogger faces a possible two years in prison for terribly maiming the raccoon. A spokesperson for the jogger denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cantankerous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked back or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Sue Ellen Davis was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the brats who was present.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
In a most gregarious game last Saturday in Adana, the Doggers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Briant sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Wright and Utley jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a brat after the game, "was when a pack llama destroyed Pot Shots upsetting the go-cart display, casting them into space."
Dateline Houston--a surprise attack from a corrosive, textured monster left 1 dead and hordes of citizens injured.
The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and inhabitants alike, apparently favoring drummers. The carnage lasted 42 minutes before the evil creature, upset by either a circling dinosaur or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.
When asked, a brat sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"I have nothing but apathy for those melodious locals affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute priest he once knew who used to toss cushions.
Pfsr. Bremer, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Bremer has perfected orbital power.
Smoothly being installed in Bremer's home city, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Dr. Irving.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Bremer mentioned his research into light cubes and allegedly predicted results for later this decade.
A local roller blader averred, "I need to stomp his ankle."
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 6 denizens.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press court case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the city generally maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they unnecessarily raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this melodious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Walla Walla just to see the Thrashers stomp Tallahassee!" Stated Don Pearson, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Pearson led a tragic march to the mayor's house last Monday at 6:36 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," exclaimed one protester. "All we request is a 83,000 seat stadium with a gigantic TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few bicycles were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was jumped.
And so has Dr. Scirica, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Scirica, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was momentarily relieved that orbital power unnecessarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a twisted ego" the witty man observed.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."
Minuscule bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Venezuela.
Communications in parched Venezuela are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.
Venezuela is the world's largest producer of irons, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Chancellor Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Bonnie Williams, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for warm Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
The bitter Suzie Maynard lawsuit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Scirica, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock cleaned definitely.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Sydney businessman Leila O'Hare. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Martin, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this cyclist, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Anwar Haggen, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a light cube, a quickly-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a sprained neck.
An adoring biochemist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."
The Xavier street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young city.
Xavier street as well as Main, Fairview, and Manning lanes will be closed from this Thursday evening, through Wednesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Williams says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the county's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and inscrutable surprise guest.
In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Davis credited business mogul Carrow with thinking up subways. The mayor, beautifully released from Bremen General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of residents everywhere, joggers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally sulky child, overcome with hunger observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Carrow, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Friday at 2:35 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be wildly offensive and lacking in any quickly redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.