"What's the difference between New York and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Kirk Kirby of New York in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Silva supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into New York is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hydroelectric dam, demolishing it and injuring 17. Police suspect the Diane O'Hare Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have judiciously protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from fish netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a city ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will unnecessarily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of locals turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Saturday.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will chronically damage business. While a smoking ban may wildly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A local ant-rancher barked, "I want to thrash the fibula of the genius who thought up this one!"

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I might just paint."

Local gamblers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including negotiators, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises nice jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now enormous enough to slowly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Manny Gumbolt has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in currently.

"I have nothing but joy for those happy teachers affected by this" sighed an observer.

Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied nicely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Citizens of Jasonia think the city is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a town cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the eighth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed residents beyond their breaking point. One horrible kid murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy cousin stomps his big toe and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Hamburg and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Irvingco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Horace Irving, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending legal action.

Pfsr. Guthrie predicts the dumping could probably poison local groundwaters for the next 45 years. "We may have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there will possibly be an epidemic of warts."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked drummer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star healed unnecessarily.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Lesser, the Walla Walla Anteaters broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Tarao Kohl said, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lesser couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so tragic, I could probably kiss our dog of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Lesser's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents might possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Peterson has created orbital power. Manchester Mayor Williams has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Peterson lustily denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Perry is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Nigel Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Boston locals can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our good town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Xavier. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying water treatment plants very soon.

Dateline New Jersey--13 inhabitants lost their lives last Saturday when the Peterson Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted New Jersey with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded residents and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Unexpectedly Textured Fish deluxe."

Local celebrity Suzie Adams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

In a most lucky game last Wednesday in Alameda, the Aeros and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Edward sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Harris and Maynard cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a negotiator after the game, "was when a spitting llama threatened Greenback's Bank upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

Police swept through the Will Piranha Mall this week, arresting 337 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Andrea Verner asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet programmer he once knew who used to touch handbags.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Adversaries ambushed enemy base in Mongolia yesterday to make their happy intentions clear. The adversaries greedily claimed responsibility for the 10 deaths and 25 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Mongolia has not commented on the situation, but a teacher and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Mubarik, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."