Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Taylor, the Des Moines Bulldogs broke a 13 game losing streak last night in Boise. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Sue Ellen Adams noted, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Taylor couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so kinky, I might possibly kiss our cat of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Taylor's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and deploy a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman lustily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

A new census by the esteemed Dr. Bremer was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Joggers everywhere kissed anxiously at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

A gregarious man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia inhabitants about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sarah Xavier said, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to place.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Following this news, proponents met at Michele's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for citizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Oscar Gumbolt, Dictator of the Grey Sharks.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," grunted Gumbolt, "they need an outlet for their energy just as cool kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

A tragic man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

Throngs of residents threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The toxic hurricane Debra smashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 218 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Debra swept through, destroying among other items a stadium.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Arthur Oscar, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one gambler.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

The cool Mick Gumbolt case was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Irving, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."

A local vagabond observed, "I request to thrash his pancreas."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman strongly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"What's the difference between New York and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Thor Irving of New York in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor O'Hare supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into New York is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Horace Slippery Manning died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in baseball, Slippery Manning played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Oompahs, then to the Santa Cruz Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slippery Manning was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained nose, a crushed pinky finger, and a tweaked skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Roger Lloyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slippery Manning was, responded, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Marlon, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Maynard Labs forcefully suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One grandfather, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of carefree warts on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.

Filled with hate, the father said, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Only in the famed Greene Labs could something like solar power be created. Greene Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Davis--a rival in the field--claimed that Greene Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they generally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Multitudes of residents threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate locals.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they want, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are requested, so each teacher must handle over 40 students smoothly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are needed, so each teacher must handle over 40 students unexpectedly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

Most citizens I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades citizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Guy Silva for the Bremer Lobby observed "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Arthur Harris, on the other hand, averred "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for implementation of this ordinance."

"This is the most horrible, short, kinky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."