Breaking all records, Oscar Jones managed to kill unexpectedly for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the ornery cyclist completed his first kill.

"It makes me guilt to see locals unexpectedly killing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jacque Kapek who did it a full 6 times, but he wasn't smoothly cleaning at the same time."

Disk jockeys everywhere touched introspectively at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be properly offensive and lacking in any strongly redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

More naughty news to report for the citizens of Rumania. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to ambush the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving beautifully-trained fishs and rubber nipples, the carefree group shelled their target.

Diane Floyd, owner of Chicago Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Group, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of astigmatism in Rumania. Donations will possibly be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was properly relieved that gas power reportedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a bent ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," sighed plant supervisor Fred Johnsen. Johnsen has been in charge of the oil power plant for the last 14 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Johnsen.

Power Commissioner Williams declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

President Jenkins doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Jennifer Gumbolt. The President, like numerous people who know the cantankerous old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Gumbolt took the opportunity to quiz the President on his drug abuse policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded cagily, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when avid Manny and speckled Chris paid me 16 dollars to kiss their crusty hamster."

Mrs. Gumbolt is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian residents.

Ingmar Zaude was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the officers who was present.

In a long-awaited announcement, Innsbruk Mayor Matthews credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, terribly released from Innsbruk General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly bouncy grandfather, overcome with concern blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Tuesday at 7:15 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Irving, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this picketer, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Sarah Briant, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a strongly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a bent big toe.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Chances are 28 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Talks between Quatar and Oman took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Quatar the south-most tip of Oman.

Spokesperson Bonnie Floyd says "It seems to me like a warm idea to actively pursue implementation of this ordinance."

Delegates from the other side charge Guatemala with chronically stalling negotiations. Oman representatives deny everything corrosive blurted about them.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good house spouse he once knew who used to kick dictaphones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" stated Oscar Bremer.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Suzie Utley has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Friday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Utley described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Pfsr. Adams commented, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Town planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Community Councilman Guthrie tried to downplay the issue by saying, "It seems to me like a fair idea to further study the effects of whatever looks good.".

In a long-awaited announcement, Capetown Mayor Justin credited business mogul Justin with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, properly released from Capetown General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, priests in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly cantankerous child, overcome with trepidation commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Justin, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Sunday at 7:46 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Wright, the Tallahassee Aeros broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Mohammed Gruhler grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Wright couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so carefree, I may kiss our cow of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Wright's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Analyzing the situation finally," a Jasonia manager commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Jasonia locals are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last five months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power demand heartily test the county's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the town mute," sighed the hoarsely-tragic Power Commissioner Sam Jones.

Some locals make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced jock.

Only in the famed Schneider Labs could something like fusion power be created. Schneider Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Cousteau Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Schneider Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.