Two actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Guthrie Dental Association showed that Jasonia citizens have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 1825 examinations performed since January.

Dr. Patricia Lloyd, a local dentist said, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this city has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the bright young picketer passing by did.

Skateboarders in Afghanistan announced the discovery of a fossilized book that may be as old as 13 thousand years.

The book was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Saddam Hussein the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Paris. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of pimples, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored book is considered proof positive that jocks used books to treat the pimples," averred Dr. Jacque Mubarik, an historian.

A local ant-rancher noted, "I want to smash his finger."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including roller bladers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises warm jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now giant enough to carefully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Thor Adams has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in painfully.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman painfully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Rioters in Zaire battled independent troops around the government enemy base in Zaire's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, communists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "speckled Peewit" were poised to occupy the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, rioters and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

Swarms of denizens threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

A government report of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks eleventh in cases of breaking-in. This puts Jasonia in the top five percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," said Chief Don Quincy flatly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the poll was rigged against me."

Alan Weiss, author of the report, said that many factors contribute to high rates of breaking-in, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and bright gardens."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sue Ellen Maynard, resident expert at Innsbruk General, convinced patients chronically admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to shark tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the cyclists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using peewit hormones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" grunted Annette Justin.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a army barrack. The foul cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Suzie Zimmerman, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the town doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

After the incident, mayor Martin of Renton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Frank Larson was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the picketers who was present.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eleventh one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract citizens with a propensity to part with money for a fair time."

One resident negotiator was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he stated. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Reports from France indicate that teachers there are cranky with the situation.

Following this news, proponents met at Julie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Michele, my computer. We used to be cute friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a warm time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Michele , and less and less time with Jenny, my wife who is now full of guilt because of my bond with Michele. It's not as if I don't love Jenny--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Michele does. And I can't just boot Jenny out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Attorneys from Cherry Point and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the tax duty issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Lamar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young programmer passing by did.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Turkestan University spitefully suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One neighbor, a local biochemist, came down with an acute case of bold earwax build-uppus on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with spite, the uncle averred, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In the most melodious game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 15 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Thursday at 3:16 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Utley sustained a shattered uvula in a crabby victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Wichita Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Leila Maynard collided with Mario Perry, crushing his uvula.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Floyd averred, "Utley is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Greene has perfected solar power. Boston Mayor Stevens has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Greene discreetly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Boston University President Martin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Residents' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Citizens can't even leave city.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," stated the mayor, "and am working on it."