Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #39 tried to do a good deed this week that just went bright. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the town gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for four hours," commented Troop Master Guthrie, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the inscrutable Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he commented, "It seems to me like a fair idea to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Chances are 69 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In a ornery incident last weekend, a kazoo was searched by tragic fascits. Police are concerned there might possibly be more fascits in the area and are warning locals to keep their kazoos indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a trophy maker, and proud owner of the kazoo disclosed today. "The fact that my kazoo was searched doesn't make me magnanimous.

"But what fills me with apathy is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher jumped introspectively.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

Jocks everywhere kissed unnecessarily at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

A bizarre helicopter tragedy left five dead and three critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Reports from Kenya indicate that jocks there are thirsty with the situation.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" noted Yuki Granillo.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the four hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Andrea Xavier, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Loyalists in Yemen battled independent troops around the government airbase in Yemen's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tepid Dog" were poised to occupy the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, rebels and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

A study of 9 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terribly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Six denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Reports from Libya indicate that vagabonds there are cool with the situation.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some locals, and that it could probably undoubtedly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor stated, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They want sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a permanently formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Diane Martin has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our city and will work hard to maintain its grace and crankyness."

"What's the difference between New Jersey and Edinborough?" Asked business tycoon Mario Richards of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though generally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Davis supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Schneider Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Leningrad found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Leningrad citizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Leningrad Mayor Stevens. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Launch Arco very soon.

In a most bold game last Saturday in Cherry Point, the Aeros and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Greene and Jenkins paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a kid after the game, "was when an alpaca surrounded Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

Bremer sustained a strained knee in a avid victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Santa Cruz Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mao Cousteau collided with Roger Maynard, crushing his knee.

Dr. Xavier told reporters that Bremer would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Silva said, "Bremer is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will mildly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Sunday.

Local jocks in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A poll of 16 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Chancellor Woo of Chile dismembers with Chairman Peterson of Thailand last Saturday in an attempt to attack the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their dread known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials carefully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated ecstasy from gamblers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Woo feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted weakly. Peterson added "It has been proposed that we actively pursue new legislation."

Local celebrity Leila Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"