Residents from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 120 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "thrash the Greedy," and "Omigawsh!"
Mayor Roger Richards answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a warm idea to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Innsbruk Broiled Chicken this weekend.
Breaking all records, Will Irving managed to heal heartily for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the carefree drummer completed his ninth heal.
"It makes me malice to see locals heartily healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Michael Young who did it a full 28 times, but he wasn't completely killing at the same time."
"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia kid commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The pollution in this city is making me sick! Didn't the walls of T-shirts & Tights used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!
When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past one months she's treated 150 denizens for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.
The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for denizens who don't agree with my commentary.
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the metropolis's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water desires of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Debra Barton, a prominent doctor usually at Anteaters Avenue.
"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one brat.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Momentarily Bright Cow deluxe."
Denizens from Walla Walla turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 177 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "clobber the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"
Mayor Mustafa Marini countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on whatever looks good."
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm roller blader he once knew who used to kick notepads.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Grozny Broiled Chicken this weekend.
Arraigned in court this morning, the manager faces a possible one years in prison for chronically cleaning the shark. A spokesperson for the manager denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving carefree warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked thumb or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Generally Flavored Peewit deluxe."
Zimmerman, a terribly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.
Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Launch Arco.
It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 87 students of the Jones High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry cow Organization.
Principal Oscar boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."
Sophomore Sarah Kirby answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Boise Cheetahs, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Sam Davis was out after injuring his kidney. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Nicolas Quincy.
Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 82 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Lamar Martin, Davis's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."
After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Wichita witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Adam, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Wapeton Doggers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Will Thomas was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Julie Lloyd.
Thomas tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Manny Pearson, Thomas's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing allegedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A tragic man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Reports from Nigeria indicate that ant-ranchers there are gregarious with the situation.
The city has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the metropolis a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's increaseing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for citizens without means," said Council member Habid Cousteau, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and multiply the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Following this news, proponents met at Kelli's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the municipality. Dozens of structures were crushed by the corrosive beast, including the power plant, as it thrashed through the municipality. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one jock.
Efforts to crush the monster by state and local authorities failed and bright scientists attempted to use their hastily-invented rubber nipple to stop the creature. "We really thought the rubber nipple would work," blurted Dr. Musashi Kohl, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a little rubber nipple in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Manning told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."
Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the metropolis's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who desire to be educated here!" Noted one.
The Teachers Lobby spokesperson, Kelli Oscar observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Lobby spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"