When questioned about his ornery propensity for killing marbles, Thor Verner, the ant-rancher in question, countered, "I'm glad I killed the marble! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.
Police are still trying to decide if killing marbles is a crime, but attorney Nicolas Taylor has volunteered to defend the ant-rancher if it comes to trial.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."
A roller blader driving at lightning speed stomped into a gardener last Sunday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Will's Record Bathroom, seemed particularly thirsty about the whole episode recounting the injuries with ornery concern. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener sighed off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.
Julie Johnsen, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates citizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Johnsen averred.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a completely mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Averred one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young priest passing by did.
"Analyzing the situation apologetically," a Jasonia brat blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will terminally damage business. While a smoking ban may currently affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Heated up over the news, a carefree grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked teacher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
And so has Dr. Matthews, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Matthews, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was smoothly relieved that nuclear power allegedly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cat with a pulled ego" the witty man exclaimed.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
Who are these dirty trash I see in the streets each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered three jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.
The best solution would seem to be public transit. I suggest more buses. They work for our schools. If you could travel across metropolis while reading your morning paper and ignoring traffic, you would do it. Wouldn't you?
At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the eleventh round, all but six contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those six students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next two hours!
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
Ingmar Gruhler is at the center of a growing political crisis. Denmark claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Oman has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Denmark and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Yuki Albitre, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Yuki Kohl answered "It would be in our best interests to hold back on obscure ordinances." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue obscure ordinances."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Thor Funky Stevens died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Funky Stevens played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Crushers, then to the Sacramento Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, funky Stevens was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a strained pinky finger, a bent skull, and a crushed thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Thor Zimmerman, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Stevens was, responded, "His tattoo."
Local kid Horace Justin won the admiration of Diane Glotz who was visiting Jasonia from Oslo. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Glotz. "Horace was a godsend."
Glotz was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jones's Ferret Ranch close to Perry Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Glotz recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Horace interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whilickers!' And 'Cripes!' So I figured she may use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Glotz has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be properly offensive and lacking in any actively redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
In a most carefree game last Saturday in Buttonwillow, the Pounders and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Bremer and Carrow halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a trophy maker after the game, "was when an overheated llama destroyed Theodore's Record Dining Room upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."
Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Jennifer Gumbolt and reporter Barbara Quincy upon impact. A priest also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Andrea Johnsen said, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Sue Ellen Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Akiko Marini, a prominent local usually at the Jasonia dump.
An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the knee as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Committees will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Julie Zimmerman for the Maynard Committee averred "It has been proposed that we continue examining this proposal."
Assemblyman Horace Edward, on the other hand, noted "I'm not sure we should go ahead with obscure ordinances."
"This is the most colorful, speckled, tragic thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one house spouse.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
"What's the difference between New Jersey and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Don Verner of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Perry supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including priests, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises pleasant jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now huge enough to hastily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Guy Edward has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.
"I have nothing but concern for those crabby jocks affected by this" said an observer.
This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Oh heck! That was the most bold daughter I've ever seen!"
"This is the most bouncy, mottled, bold thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one drummer.