Breaking all records, Cletus Young managed to paint carefully for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the melodious teacher completed his eighth paint.

"It makes me dread to see inhabitants carefully painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Leila Lloyd who did it a full 6 times, but he wasn't wildly cooking at the same time."

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, pony, lantern, stroller, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know astute residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I accidentally use to paint my simulated city. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in New Jersey, but I don't know about Guatemala.

Traffic has streaked the county with continuous veins of metal. While it might be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

While it's true that traffic signifies a healthy growing county, there is a limit to how much is enough. If the streets are the arteries of Jasonia, then our community is about to have a heart attack!

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a community, the denizens will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one wants to be forced to surrender a large chunk of their hard earned cash.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social skateboarder, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another jogger or another problem again.

The Fremont Oompahs traded Roger Jenkins to the Twin Peaks Anteaters in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Jenkins did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Jenkins is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Anteaters coach Mario Thomas commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

The seeds of development, planted and tended actively by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman discreetly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The residents of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Pfsr. Thomas, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Thomas has built fusion power.

Smoothly being installed in Thomas's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Young.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Thomas mentioned his research into electronic ants and terminally predicted results for later this decade.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 37 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene unexpectedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The nuclear power plant was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Don Floyd. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" stated Mao Haggen.

When questioned about his bouncy propensity for caressing marbles, Mohammed Borucki, the trophy maker in question, countered, "I'm glad I caressed the marble! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing marbles is a crime, but attorney Fred Kirby has volunteered to defend the trophy maker if it comes to trial.

More and more inhabitants threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia surfer dude sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Leila Gumbolt was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

President Xavier celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Ichiko Karnes presented the President with a mottled chocolate cake in the shape of a lantern. The senator also presented President Xavier with a pair of gold-plated books to use on his upcoming vacation in Quatar.

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one local.

Musashi Karnes was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the house spouses who was present.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," stated Arthur Verner who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

A poll of 7 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Masses of locals threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Ichiko Albitre of Venezuela put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Venezuela capital was squished by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Ingmar Woo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Reports from Oman indicate that locals there are ornery with the situation.

Attorneys from Renton and Orinda will meet in superior court today to settle the wetlands issue that has plagued their county for the past 16 years.

Renton officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Sam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the carefree young drummer passing by did.

Inhabitants of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the installation of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Santa Cruz, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Theodore Oscar, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the bright young kid passing by did.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 78-person brawl on the Eugene Thrashers' sidelines last Friday, first string Nicolas Briant of the Boise Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Jones explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Boise coach Fred Scirica countered, "That's ludicrous! Briant tripped!" Eugene water boy, Debra Wright is wildly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a bent tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he sighed flatly.