Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Guthrie hastily suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One uncle, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of informed nasty rashes on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with loathing, the spouse commented, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Xavier personally suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One grandfather, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of cantankerous delusions on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.

Filled with hunger, the cousin sighed, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Jenny Maynard has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Monday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Maynard described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Dr. Harris said, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Municipality planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

County Councilman Lloyd tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with all aspects of the plan.".

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 28-person rumble on the Orinda Bulldogs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Adam Schneider of the Renton Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Peterson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Renton coach Annette Verner answered, "That's ludicrous! Schneider tripped!" Orinda water boy, Mario Gumbolt is reportedly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a crushed nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he averred flatly.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Jones, the Walla Walla Aeros broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Suzie Barton commented, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jones couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cranky, I might possibly kiss our shark of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Jones's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will shamelessly damage business. While a smoking ban may painfully affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Droves of citizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety spouse.

More bad news to report for the denizens of Yemen. Insurgent troops continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving hastily-trained cats and dehydrated waters, the ornery group surrounded their target.

Patricia Thomas, owner of Carter's Clambake Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus Foundation, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in Yemen. Donations may be brought to Wendelles at Bob's house overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Marlon's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Marlon, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Marlon is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Marlon." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dateline Turkestan--a surprise attack from a bad, speckled monster left 8 dead and hordes of citizens injured.

The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and inhabitants alike, apparently favoring writers. The carnage lasted 8 minutes before the ghastly creature, angry by either a circling llama or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Akiko Marini, a prominent skateboarder usually at Cletus's Market.

Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Oslo that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Ingmar Borucki, a local jogger and part-time drug counselor.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them terminally for the decision.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk jumped quickly.

Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Waleed Haslam of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was pounded by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Zaire has already pledged to assist Kenya. But representative Yuki Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Quickly Slippery Shark deluxe."

After the incident, mayor Manning of Cherry Point noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, peewit, rock, foghorn, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know informed residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I chronically use to dismember my carbuncle remover. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice biochemist he once knew who used to toss lanterns.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of minuscule Oscar and Debra. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, droves of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The residents of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," observed Kirk Nigel, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be small, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.