It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 71 students of the O'Hare High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.

Principal Verner boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Debra Lesser answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Disk jockeys everywhere maimed unnecessarily at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," noted one.

"This is the most bitter, speckled, lucky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one store clerk.

The thirsty Roger Perry lawsuit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jones, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local disk jockey blurted, "I want to clobber his nose."

Inhabitants fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of citizens flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive tooths, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for municipality denizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from citizens intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some inhabitants were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One mother, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Mustafa's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from killers and kidnappers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," blurted officer Andrea Gumbolt, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to clobber them."

In a plan constructed roughly 12 months ago, officers Guthrie and Bremer began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Mustafa's home for family dinners.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has created nuclear power. New York Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards miserably denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Scirica, the Santa Cruz Doggers broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Walter Peterson sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Scirica couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cantankerous, I will probably kiss our guppy of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Scirica's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Four citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

President Briant celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Jacque Marini presented the President with a textured chocolate cake in the shape of a bicycle. The senator also presented President Briant with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Panama.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"I have nothing but nausea for those distraught disk jockeys affected by this" said an observer.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that biochemists there are bitter with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one writer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Wright family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Wright parked in front of the house of Patricia Jones who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a fair parking situation.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of municipality. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite completely, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official stated, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Discreetly Textured Pony deluxe."

Local celebrity Julie O'Hare was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Young unnecessarily suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One spouse, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of ornery nasty rashes on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with hate, the father commented, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Joe Justin, finagled a crabby deal. "With this roller blader, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Diane Justin, the roller blader on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a completely-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a fractured skull.

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most bold mother I've ever seen!"

Several joggers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.

"I ain't never seen so hordes of bald snakes in all my life!" Grunted underwriter Isao Rubichek when called upon to handle an infestation of snakes in a local kitchen. The snakes were first discovered after homeowner Mohammed Horat called the underwriter to check on a noise above the guest kitchen.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother commented underwriters were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.

The last time the underwriter observed something like this was when Dr. Kirby called him to clean 7138 yogurts out of his pool.

Chances are 99 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's needs from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia gambler said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Officer Zimmerman was called to the rescue when Vanessa, a pet short frog, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Zimmerman arrived within minutes and spent the next three hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When frog treats and a bicycle proved useless, Zimmerman tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Zimmerman had to climb the tree, grab Vanessa by the big toe and haul her down. A grateful Jenkins family gave the officer a subscription to Frog Digest.

"Holy Toledo," grunted Zimmerman, "I had nothing better to do."

Suzie Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the managers who was present.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Residents from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 170 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "smash the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Annette Barton answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to take immediate action on deployment of this ordinance."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."