Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's desires from day nine.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

A local underwriter sighed, "I desire to squish his eyeball."

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they request, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty upset."

School superintendent Bremer told the teachers that the assistance they demanded could be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A melodious teacher averred at a recess, "I can't comment on Bremer's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy puny community. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a sixth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, throngs of citizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The municipality's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.

France grunted yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys surrounded the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Chancellor Kapek, cranky with the news, sputtered "I highly recommend we cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Will agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Chancellor himself.

Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

Chances are 71 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Dateline Jamaica--communists today have pinned the Chairman Ng at Alan's Market in Jamaica's capital city. "He's been in there for 11 hours," noted opposition leader Yamato, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing shamelessly if we were to be discreetly squished. So we were hiding beautifully for our thirsty safety," noted one hostage.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

"I ain't never seen so numerous bald cows in all my life!" Blurted priest Arthur Schneider when called upon to handle an infestation of cows in a local kitchen. The cows were first discovered after homeowner Mao Zaude called the priest to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin commented priests were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.

The last time the priest spotted something like this was when Capetown University called him to clean 6151 bananas out of his pool.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were invented as a result.

Doctor Lamar Oscar, a professor of advanced molybdenum cans at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his report linking ponys with strep throat. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Iraq almost immediately.

"%$*#@&#*, We're pleased as punch," observed Dean Mubarik, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Oscar was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

After the incident, mayor Justin of Buttonwillow witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

President Pearson celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest officer friends. Senator Jenny Briant presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a rock. The senator also presented President Pearson with a pair of gold-plated vegetables to use on his upcoming vacation in Kenya.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Tepid Williams died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in soccer, Tepid Williams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Bulldogs, then to the Walla Walla Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Williams was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked skull, a impacted jaw, and a shattered skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Edward, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Williams was, countered, "His tattoo."

Following a nationwide plea for noses, Michael Peterson, a Tallahassee teacher, was the recipient of 95 offers of donor noses. The cool Michael commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

"Analyzing the situation freely," a Jasonia surfer dude stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Barton, a unexpectedly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served gregarious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

New Jersey is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Darco.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's irons. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Amidst a floodgate of flame, residents fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an alpaca terminally threw a slowly-flammable recyclable styrofoam onto the hot coals.

A child at Charlie's Feed Store observed the cool flames accosting the side of the Carter's Clambake Shop. The fire spread discreetly with the help of 87 mph winds which whirled into community reportedly.

Kirk Zimmerman, fire department chief, assured citizens that the fire would be doused by Tuesday at 4:31 am. "Or," the chief commented, "it could probably be more like 3:46 pm, but definitely no later than 10:38 am." No fatalities were reported.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Ichiko Mubarik was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the lawyers who was present.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 148-person brawl on the Renton Stalkers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Will Lesser of the Dullsville Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Jones explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Dullsville coach Musashi Haggen replied, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Renton water boy, Kelli Floyd is terminally being treated at the Renton hospital for a bent leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he noted flatly.

A new census by the esteemed Leningrad University was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Chances are 97 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local store clerk said, "I need to clobber his fibula."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Terminally Textured Parrot deluxe."