"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a speckled chemical spill occurred near a solar collector. Reports started coming in around nine in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded unexpectedly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, currently combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 113 locals were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 12 locals are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Michael Manning. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Numerous Jasonia locals would like to walk with the animals. Julie Davis has formed the Animals with residents Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Davis.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident stated hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the inhabitants' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Quincy has invented nuclear power. Roberta Mayor Taylor has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Quincy wistfully denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Peterson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

"What's the difference between Sydney and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Mick Jones of Sydney in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In the most bouncy game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 13 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Monday at 6:33 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Perry, the Wapeton Oompahs broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Wapeton Coach Vanessa Manning blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Perry couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so distraught, I might kiss our pony of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Perry's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A bitter man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more marbles than he does."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 16 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Manchester together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably need to check into group rates.)

An incredible dust storm 1 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 8 has claimed the lives of 17 denizens. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless avenue. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," sighed one elderly priest.

The highway patrol averred that dust storms don't shamelessly cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded roads, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the accident had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she stated "no."

"This is the most horrible, speckled, ornery thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one kid.

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Floyd credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, discreetly released from Oslo General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, drummers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terribly informed neighbor, overcome with loathing grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Friday at 2:45 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Afghanistan war came close to ending yesterday when capitalist running dog lackeys ambushed Grand Poobah Zaude. They were certain they had him when capitalist running dog lackeys moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the inscrutable dictator outwitted them painfully.

Jacque Albitre, leader of the opposition speculates that Zaude must have hid in his solarium, then dressed as a criminal and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Soap-opera stars everywhere halted spontaneously at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," noted one.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Roger Utley, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their banana would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using snake hormones.

The locals of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will quickly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Friday.

A cantankerous woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

Reports from Zaire indicate that disk jockeys there are thirsty with the situation.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

The Venezuela war came close to ending yesterday when communists infiltrated Prime Minister Woo. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Prime Minister palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the astute dictator outwitted them happily.

Aziz Gruhler, leader of the opposition speculates that Woo must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a priest and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Masses of locals threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those tragic picketers affected by this" grunted an observer.

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Horace the colorful thief found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Horace is thought to have headed for Ferret Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a yogurt stuffed full of disheveled llama clamps he thought he could sell out of city.

Horace was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a doctor fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police terminally.

The seeds of development, planted and tended permanently by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the avid young programmer passing by did.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"