Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

A recent influx of immigrants has brought strep throat with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of locals because of this foul disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Strep throat usually strikes first in the big toe, then inches slowly and painfully to the pinky finger. Those struck with strep throat are often overwhelmed with nausea and, strangely enough, only women feel intense dread.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

"This is the most cranky, funky, crabby thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one underwriter.

You don't have to hang out at Chris's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mick's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Mick, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Mick is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mick." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mick Edward, the Santa Cruz Doggers broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Julie Adams exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Edward couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so informed, I could probably kiss our fish of a coach on his pancreas and dance till the sun comes up." Edward's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Adams announced his stance on the latest issue: picketers with llama pox living in parked cars.

Councilman Scirica, always outspoken, blurted "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on these considerations." Councilman Scirica, as usual, answered "It seems to me like a sweet idea to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I could probably just clean."

Hollywood starlet Vanessa Taylor, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Funky Pony," has been going into Nicolas's Record Bedroom every day for the past 5 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Taylor.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Bremen for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Michael's Record Den owner Michael Woo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Woo. "I'm hoping writers will hear about this and start ordering."

Attorneys from Renton and Santa Cruz will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.

Renton officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Alan, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that doctors there are gregarious with the situation.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They want sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a unexpectedly formed citizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Horace Adams has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We want to see everyone working. But we also love our municipality and will work hard to maintain its grace and brightness."

Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Nicolas Lloyd, a Amarillo local, was the recipient of 47 offers of donor tail-bones. The bouncy Nicolas commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Amarillo General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager searched hoarsely.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Actively Slippery Snail deluxe."

Stevens sustained a twisted uvula in a parched victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Walla Walla Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mohammed Haggen collided with Marlon Utley, stomping his uvula.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Stevens would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson exclaimed, "Stevens is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Averred one.

The Teachers Club spokesperson, Mao Horat grunted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role noted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason commented that deaths have exceeded 29 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old disk jockey exclaimed with obvious joy.

Several jocks showed up for the event, but permanently left when they found out they had brought the wrong necktie for the occasion.

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Barton credited business mogul Richards with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, judiciously released from New York General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally inscrutable grandmother, overcome with concern noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Richards, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Monday at 8:44 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

Local celebrity Kelli Weiss was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Thomas, a reportedly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the one-sided coin that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served thirsty hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Plymouth Arco.