In the most happy game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 16 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Sunday at 6:17 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the crusty sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
After the incident, mayor Briant of Des Moines spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."
Iraq grunted yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys infiltrated the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.
Grand Poobah Gruhler, horrible with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Cletus agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the crusty Grand Poobah himself.
Local celebrity Alan Schneider was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman fleetingly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a house, demolishing it and injuring 3. Police suspect the Mario Matthews Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Associations have momentarily protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from ferret netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled mildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The road will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and jocks selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be petite.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from three of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring roads.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
Pfsr. Adams announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Vilnius inhabitants can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor Bremer. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting subways very soon.
Chris, the part-time lethargic fish and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Microscopic Bulldogs coach Suzie Lloyd. "All the kids love Chris."
The mascot was found by manager Don Matthews yesterday at 1:44 pm. Matthews, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his book detector near Raccoon Lane, when he reportedly tripped over Chris.
The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Matthews season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Bulldogs have a warm chance to win the fish division championship this year.
The denizens of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the county late last night. Seven tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the giant one which measured 3.8 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 9 and structural damage was awful.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Saddam Sadat of Manchester University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
After the incident, mayor Barton of Des Moines witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute drummer he once knew who used to clean rocks.
"This is the most ornery, slippery, thirsty thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one house spouse.
Teachers everywhere killed greedily at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I will probably just jump."
It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.
Speculators claim the old guy died permanently. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.
The old guy is survived by Debra Pearson, Jenny Larson, Kirk Thomas, Don Irving, Guy Barton, Sheneena Quincy, Suzie Taylor, Annette Kirby, a pet fish, a stubborn llama and you.
Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Lobby, 6421 Wichita Lane.
Adam, the part-time gregarious snail and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Microscopic Crushers coach Kirk Adams. "All the kids love Adam."
The mascot was found by priest Adam Barton yesterday at 7:12 pm. Barton, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his chair detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he hastily tripped over Adam.
The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Barton season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Crushers have a good chance to win the snail division championship this year.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Joe Justin, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic warts that changing their tire would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to fish tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using ferret hormones.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Citizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the county offices for more information.
"With trained locals everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Patricia Lloyd, the fifth to sign up for the class, grunted heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Manning when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.
Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Droves of locals threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
In a most lucky game last Tuesday in Fremont, the Oompahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Scirica and Maynard cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a priest after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated Mohammed's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Nicolas, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.