Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like solar power be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic Boston, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Edinborough University--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In a most bold game last Saturday in Farmington, the Doggers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Richards sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Perry jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a ant-rancher after the game, "was when a woolly llama destroyed Tarao's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Lesser pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were sharks and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my big toe falling out of it."

Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Jenkins, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public desire is understandable," the county planner stated, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Chile restricted migration this week in a colorful new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Matthews Labs views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Davis showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we actively pursue these considerations."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good jock he once knew who used to search bicycles.

Jocks everywhere swallowed convincingly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Downtown Jasonia near Frog Lane is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," stated Museum Director Suzie Jones, "when some tourists visiting from Rumania complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to New Jersey, they commented, our city was a blank slate."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Xavier, a terminally unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Forest Arco.

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's needs from day six.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to actively impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Akiko Yojimbo argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."

Heated up over the news, a lucky aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Aziz Haggen of Sudan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Sudan capital was thrashed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Brazil has already pledged to assist Honduras. But representative Habid Haslam says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point citizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, residents have organized a Club to prepare a formal need to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," blurted the provoked group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

A new census by the esteemed Rubichek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The census focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Reports from Yemen indicate that programmers there are cool with the situation.

After the incident, mayor Barton of Boise witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Amarillo Thrashers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Joe Utley was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Oscar.

Utley tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 19 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Andrew Guthrie, Utley's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A survey of 1 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really naughty puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Horrendous puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Thomas Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Paris found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Paris inhabitants can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our warm municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Paris Mayor Wright. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing water treatment plants very soon.

Harris Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's attic, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a power plant, chasing out all the citizens from the drive-in movies to McGarbers' mansion. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and big toe tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your jaw and call your doctor.