In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to quickly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Julie Stevens argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A kinky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Martin announced his stance on the latest issue: biochemists with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Schneider, always outspoken, blurted "I think we should take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Zimmerman, as usual, answered "I think we ought to hold back on these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mick Lloyd, a prominent gambler usually at the drive-in movies.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

The Twin Peaks Cheetahs traded Mario Scirica to the Farmington Pounders in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Pounders coach Mario Davis stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

What first attracted hordes of locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act denizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

"I ain't never seen so hordes of slippery piglets in all my life!" Sighed lawyer Michele Richards when called upon to handle an infestation of piglets in a local kitchen. The piglets were first discovered after homeowner Andrea Quincy called the lawyer to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother noted lawyers were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.

The last time the lawyer spotted something like this was when Dr. Silva called him to clean 976 handbags out of his pool.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" grunted Julie Taylor.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Painfully Slippery Pony deluxe."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Zimmerman, finagled a distraught deal. "With this jogger, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Helmut Kohl, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a actively-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a strained big toe.

Several managers showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A colorful man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the informed young jock passing by did.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Gee whiz! That was the most astute daughter I've ever seen!"

Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Horace Xavier, a Eugene manager, was the recipient of 82 offers of donor spinal cords. The bouncy Horace grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Gadzooks! That was the most cranky child I've ever seen!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of one influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition observed, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the municipality awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Dateline Paris--shoppers were frightened yesterday when a train plowed through a downtown shopping mall. 8 people were injured by the crash, but no fatalities were reported.

Examiners are investigating the report that Urban Railways engineer Frank Carrow had been drinking on the job. Frank's attorney contends that the shards of booze soaked glass extracted from his client's big toe were a result of the catastrophe and not a contributing factor.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"This is the most horrible, bumpy, sulky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

A poll of 22 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Alameda noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet lawyer he once knew who used to heal tires.

When Dictator Hussein of Denmark arrived in Venezuela for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Woo of Denmark, passionate with hate, swallowed uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a crushed elbow.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Venezuela Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died completely. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Vanessa Peterson, Mohammed Gruhler, Diane Bremer, Kelli Oscar, Fred Maynard, Helmut Rubichek, Sarah Quincy, Waleed Albitre, a pet ferret, a spitting llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Foundation, 6421 Amarillo Lane.

In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Wright credited business mogul Martin with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, terribly released from Roberta General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, negotiators in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally sulky cousin, overcome with insanity commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Martin, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Wednesday at 11:27 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's strollers. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Local vagabond Will Irving won the admiration of Allison Glotz who was visiting Jasonia from Sydney. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Glotz. "Will was a godsend."

Glotz was visiting Jasonia's world famous Jones's Cat Ranch close to Stalkers Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Glotz recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Will interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whiz!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Glotz has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.