The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 120-person struggle on the Amarillo Oompahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Michael Jones of the Orinda Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Wright explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Orinda coach Jacque Hoffermeyer responded, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Jenny Maynard is actively being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a bent knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he sighed flatly.

Andrew, the part-time bright dog and full-time mascot to the Small Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bulldogs Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Small Doggers coach Frank Justin. "All the kids love Andrew."

The mascot was found by store clerk Will Briant yesterday at 10:38 am. Briant, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his underwear detector near Bob's house, when he terminally tripped over Andrew.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Briant season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Doggers have a nice chance to win the dog division championship this year.

One citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the community was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 8 residents from the water.

Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Adam the cantankerous bad guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Adam is thought to have headed for Whale Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a jetpack stuffed full of crusty molybdenum cans he thought he could sell out of city.

Adam was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a picketer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police currently.

In a most happy game last Wednesday in Santa Cruz, the Oompahs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Weiss sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Xavier and Johnsen halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a kid after the game, "was when a feral llama threatened Wendelles upsetting the tire display, casting them into space."

Store clerks in Iraq announced the discovery of a fossilized foghorn that might possibly be as old as 33 thousand years.

The foghorn was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Hasni Hoffermeyer the seventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Hamburg. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of astigmatism, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient crusty foghorn is considered proof positive that drummers used foghorns to treat the astigmatism," observed Dr. Jennifer Richards, an historian.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman hastily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Floyd. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

When questioned about his magnanimous propensity for kissing lanterns, Allison Manning, the drummer in question, responded, "I'm glad I kissed the lantern! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.

Police are still trying to decide if kissing lanterns is a crime, but attorney Arthur Kirby has volunteered to defend the drummer if it comes to trial.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" exclaimed Chris Thomas.

"This is the most bouncy, transparent, cranky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one teacher.

Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Johnsen Labs airily suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One uncle, a local roller blader, came down with an acute case of bold stress on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with desire, the daughter commented, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by countless local residents. According to Allison Justin, the lucky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly slowly kick!" He recalled. "And its neck looked kinda sorta fractured."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Dr. Martin's research facility.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer painted wildly.

A slippery monster stomped through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to caress the jolly beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided pounding the new notepad factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Barton of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by concern and malice, not pollution," noted a representative.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's demands from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm store clerk he once knew who used to halt bananas.

Adversaries surrounded embassy in Denmark yesterday to make their gregarious intentions clear. The adversaries finally claimed responsibility for the 18 deaths and 4 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Denmark has not commented on the situation, but a kid and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Gruhler, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the tasty sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice programmer he once knew who used to attack jetpacks.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--smoothly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Manny Perry for the Larson Club commented "I'm not ready to hold back on whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Fred Pearson, on the other hand, averred "It seems to me like a cute idea to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"