Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Disheveled Floyd died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Disheveled Floyd played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Pounders, then to the Alameda Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Floyd was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a crushed tibia, a pulled tibia, and a sprained neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Briant, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Floyd was, replied, "His tattoo."

Attorneys from Orinda and Santa Cruz will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Orinda officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Michael, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

This reporter overheard a local local say "Oh heck! That was the most avid cousin I've ever seen!"

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's roads, but what started out as bright gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that three cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the street. One of the cars lost control, careening down a judiciously landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Theodore Wright commented reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," averred Wright, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

Oscar, a hastily unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Plymouth Arco.

Carrow sustained a crushed eyeball in a bouncy victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Adana Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Annette Greene collided with Cletus Davis, clobbering his eyeball.

Dr. Edward told reporters that Carrow would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton averred, "Carrow is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Breaking all records, Chris Jones managed to search completely for the twelfth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lethargic doctor completed his twelfth search.

"It makes me spite to see locals completely searching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Francis Barton who did it a full 16 times, but he wasn't peacefully kissing at the same time."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter searched humbly.

"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one manager.

Will, the part-time lethargic cat and full-time mascot to the Tiny Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Tiny Bulldogs coach Sarah Zimmerman. "All the kids love Will."

The mascot was found by criminal Kirk Larson yesterday at 2:42 pm. Larson, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his chair detector near 4th and Main, when he allegedly tripped over Will.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Larson season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Bulldogs have a good chance to win the cat division championship this year.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Sheneena Oscar at the metropolis offices.

A distraught woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational requests by building a school," commented Suzie Maynard, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the needed funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," commented the mayor.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the metropolis. Dozens of structures were crushed by the evil beast, including the park, as it thrashed through the community. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one soap-opera star.

Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and cool scientists attempted to use their mildly-produced dehydrated water to stop the creature. "We really thought the dehydrated water would work," commented Dr. Walter Briant, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a small dehydrated water in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Jones told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Plans for an organized avenue baseball League are gaining momentum as masses of kids join the throngs that occupy our community roads to play baseball. "I was worried at first," exclaimed one parent unnecessarily, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Andrea Schneider also endorses the move, "I've got two children of my own. They want to play baseball. As long as they wear pinky finger pads, it's fine by me."

"I have nothing but apathy for those gregarious biochemists affected by this" said an observer.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid painted indifferently.

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Peterson with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, currently released from Hamburg General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically jolly daughter, overcome with insanity commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Peterson, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 4:21 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Grand Poobah Gruhler of Guatemala kisses with Dictator Nigel of Kenya last Saturday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Fanatics opposing the meeting made their desire known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials discreetly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated fear from managers.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Gruhler feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he averred safely. Nigel added "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Five weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very terribly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've peacefully spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.