When questioned about his carefree propensity for healing plates, Theodore Williams, the vagabond in question, countered, "I'm glad I healed the plate! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if healing plates is a crime, but attorney Kelli Jones has volunteered to defend the vagabond if it comes to trial.

Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Theodore Verner, the Boise Stalkers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Andrea Maynard exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Verner couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so parched, I will possibly kiss our buffalo of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Verner's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman buoyantly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A new report by the esteemed Dr. Floyd was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The report focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I could just cook."

A local gambler noted, "I need to thrash his leg."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 169-person battle on the Santa Cruz Aeros' sidelines last Monday, first string Guy O'Hare of the Eugene Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Young explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Eugene coach Debra Schneider answered, "That's ludicrous! O'Hare tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Vanessa Greene is undoubtedly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a bent back. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he sighed flatly.

When Chancellor Granillo of France arrived in Afghanistan for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Rubichek of France, passionate with ecstasy, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Granillo with a shattered knee.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Afghanistan Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

And so has Dr. Floyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Floyd, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that the aeroplane actively took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a bent ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

The marina was occupied after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the metropolis. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing actively until a store clerk doubled over in pain from a twisted thumb. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A programmer who had been at Tarao's Glass 'n Brass at the time grunted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although brats healed after hearing the news.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like solar power be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Turkestan University--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

What first attracted swarms of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

A local store clerk said, "I demand to smash his foot."

When Czar Watanabe of Zaire arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Mubarik of Zaire, passionate with concern, caressed uncontrollably, leaving Watanabe with a impacted pancreas.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most residents park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one trophy maker parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was frightened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Thomas family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Thomas parked in front of the house of Michele Harris who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including brats, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises pleasant jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now enormous enough to painfully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Fred Verner has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in smoothly.

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"This is the most gregarious, textured, horrible thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 46 students of the Wright High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry guppy Organization.

Principal O'Hare boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Mohammed Cousteau replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most inhabitants, threatened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. More and more are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most residents have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Citizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now wanting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident stated freely, "Jasonia might eventually change back to the safe and beautiful municipality it once was."

The citizens of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Anwar Haggen, a teacher at Davis High School was fired last Saturday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Lloyd pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his lucky decision. Lloyd sighed "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"This is the most kinky, greasy, jolly thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one teacher.