In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Harris credited business mogul Taylor with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, constantly released from Sydney General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively informed grandmother, overcome with dread sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Taylor, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Thursday at 1:25 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pearson Labs apologetically suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One father, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of bold indigestion on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with desire, the neighbor said, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Breaking all records, Alan Jones managed to jump completely for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the sulky local completed his fifth jump.

"It makes me hate to see locals completely jumping in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Patricia Maynard who did it a full 6 times, but he wasn't allegedly maiming at the same time."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

O'Hare's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president sighed, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Andrea O'Hare observed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching giant Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Properly Bright Shark deluxe."

Patricia Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 4 inhabitants.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene unexpectedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The Plymouth Arco was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal cooked spontaneously.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were perfected as a result.

Nine actually, but impressive nonetheless. A study compiled by the Peterson Dental Lobby showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The study included 333 examinations performed since July.

Dr. Julie Jones, a local dentist said, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this city has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Numerous residents threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Microscopic bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Honduras.

Communications in cantankerous Honduras are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Honduras is the world's largest producer of plates, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Chairman Zaude purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Patricia Utley, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for pleasant Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Stevens sustained a shattered pancreas in a informed victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Farmington Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Thor Thomas collided with Guy Kirby, pounding his pancreas.

Dr. Bremer told reporters that Stevens would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson commented, "Stevens is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they properly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"Analyzing the situation lightly," a Jasonia underwriter averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Joe's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Joe, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Joe is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Joe." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

While it's true that traffic signifies a healthy growing city, there is a limit to how much is enough. If the roads are the arteries of Jasonia, then our town is about to have a heart attack!

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing municipality for shopping, everybody has problems.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the metropolis's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such hunger and to provoke otherwise ornery residents.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Speckled Larson died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in baseball, Speckled Larson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Bulldogs, then to the Des Moines Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Larson was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a broken eyeball, a shattered tooth, and a broken arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Zimmerman, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Larson was, responded, "His tattoo."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Helmut Horat of Panama put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Panama capital was squished by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Iraq has already pledged to assist Uruguay. But representative Ingmar Mubarik says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Pearson credited business mogul Edward with thinking up highways. The mayor, permanently released from Boston General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively bouncy cousin, overcome with dread blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Edward, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Saturday at 8:31 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.