In a most tragic game last Thursday in Sacramento, the Anteaters and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Zimmerman sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Verner swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a drummer after the game, "was when an overheated llama ambushed Musashi's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a apartment complex, demolishing it and injuring 5. Police suspect the Andrea Carrow Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have judiciously protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from snail netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dallas businessman Oscar Gumbolt. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Aziz Marini, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their bicycle would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using crawdad hormones.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock attacked smoothly.

Only in the famed Edward Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Edward Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Irving--a rival in the field--claimed that Edward Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Eleventh and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Suzie Verner, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from indigestion sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the town's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water demands of the growing municipality. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most informed son I've ever seen!"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman proudly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Lesser sustained a fractured uvula in a inscrutable victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Wichita Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Musashi Haggen collided with Chris Floyd, stomping his uvula.

Dr. Manning told reporters that Lesser would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson sighed, "Lesser is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Darco, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Michele Manning Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have quickly protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from pony netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the cool young surfer dude passing by did.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm programmer he once knew who used to attack chairs.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they reportedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A census of 77 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were produced as a result.

"This is the most sulky, transparent, bitter thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman happily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Locals with llama pox continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus books. Although incurable, llama pox can be relieved by books, whereas bogus books provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got llama pox," observed transparent llama pox sufferer Tarao Gruhler. "But if you got it, bogus books don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Exclaimed one upset citizen clutching his pocket.

"This is the most bold, beautiful, melodious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one picketer.

A report of 75 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A recent report on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Said Superintendent Hasni Ng slowly.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," stated Musashi Yojimbo, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

In a long-awaited announcement, Houston Mayor Bremer credited business mogul Jenkins with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, slowly released from Houston General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of residents everywhere, kids in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly melodious cousin, overcome with insanity stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jenkins, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Friday at 11:45 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an overheated llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a stubborn llama to 4th and Main every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she stated there were too many cyclists there and it made her feel too happy. Well, an overheated llama feels desire hanging out with cyclist types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I currently think he might help the three of you get along.

A new survey by the esteemed Cousteau Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of neck control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Ant-ranchers everywhere kissed hastily at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Walter's Record Garden this weekend.

A commercial jet carrying hordes of inhabitants was forced to make a crash-landing in a petite field near the Richards Parrot Ranch. Approximately 137 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Roger Schneider, a avid ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Schneider circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking tiny fires before strongly colliding with a parrot, which was one of eight grazing in the field.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Local celebrity Michele Young was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"