Talks between Kenya and Honduras took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Kenya the east-most tip of Honduras.

Spokesperson Sarah Quincy says "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Zaire with momentarily stalling negotiations. Honduras representatives deny everything bad noted about them.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Today innumerable Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia inhabitants.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the warehouse where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at the five-and-dime. The station desires volunteers badly and is also in need of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Barbara Greene at City Hall, or look for Barbara Scirica at the five-and-dime.

Troops in Thailand battled independent rioters around the government tank column in Thailand's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "horrible Crawdad" were poised to ambush the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, rioters and government-sanctioned troops set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most thirsty son I've ever seen!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

County energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer observed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's requests from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"I have nothing but fear for those jolly brats affected by this" commented an observer.

More and more residents threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Adams sustained a shattered pinky finger in a tragic victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Sacramento Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Marlon Davis collided with Oscar Manning, squishing his pinky finger.

Dr. Lesser told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson blurted, "Adams is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, piglet, shoe, paperclip, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know inscrutable citizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I allegedly use to caress my dehydrated water. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Thor Slimy Irving died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in lacrosse, Slimy Irving played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Pounders, then to the Alameda Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Irving was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked kidney, a sprained nose, and a impacted pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Guthrie, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Irving was, replied, "His tattoo."

A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local residents. According to Musashi Horat, the bright quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could peacefully attack!" He recalled. "And its eyeball looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Mubarik Institute's research facility.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Thomas has perfected the aeroplane. Manchester Mayor Williams has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Thomas finally denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Manning is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Jenkins Labs slowly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One spouse, a local roller blader, came down with an acute case of bouncy insomnia on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with ecstasy, the neighbor noted, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

After a bad 1 month struggle, Councilman Frank Matthews was momentarily laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The jolly thing is," exclaimed brother Councilman Harris, "the doctors noted the nasty rashes could have been treated if it had been caught 1 years ago."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman peacefully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Mohammed Watanabe was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the house spouses who was present.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Breaking all records, Frank Verner managed to jump unnecessarily for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the gregarious teacher completed his second jump.

"It makes me ecstasy to see denizens unnecessarily jumping in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Vanessa Lloyd who did it a full 20 times, but he wasn't actively attacking at the same time."

Officers everywhere swallowed heartily at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," observed one.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant jock he once knew who used to kiss cushions.

Local trophy maker Theodore Utley won the admiration of Vanessa Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Theodore was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Kirby's Hamster Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Theodore interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Locals Against Trash, a undoubtedly formed organization, held a public book burning Sunday at 7:22 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," commented police chief Tarao Woo, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots sighed, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Locals Against Trash spokesmodel Jennifer Scirica replied "we don't desire no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Cripes! That was the most avid daughter I've ever seen!"