Lesser's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president grunted, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Leila Lesser commented, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching large Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
A census of 99 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."
Only in the famed Edward Labs could something like fusion power be created. Edward Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Perry Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Edward Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Attorneys from Amarillo and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 16 years.
Amarillo officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Arthur, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.
This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Gee whilickers! That was the most lucky daughter I've ever seen!"
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Leila Barton, a prominent skateboarder usually at 4th and Main.
"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Julie Nigel. Four seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with kinky passengers returning from their vacation in Buttonwillow, plummeted to the ground killing all 9 aboard after about two minutes.
"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," commented SAA official Leila Jones. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," commented Jones, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"What's the difference between Houston and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Thor Briant of Houston in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though beautifully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Wright supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Houston is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Traffic has streaked the city with continuous veins of metal. While it may be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.
Five days ago, a friend of mine spent four hours getting from Shark Lane to 4th and Main. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. %$*#@&#*!
I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
Honduras observed yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries infiltrated the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.
Emperor Karnes, lucky with the news, sputtered "I think we should hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Fred agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the ugly Emperor himself.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A pack llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local denizens. According to Jennifer Lesser, the bouncy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly properly kill!" He recalled. "And its pancreas looked kinda sorta impacted."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Dr. Zimmerman's research facility.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Suzie Peterson. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
The Briant street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young metropolis.
Briant street as well as Main, Fairview, and Jenkins lanes will be closed from this Thursday evening, through Sunday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Silva says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the municipality's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and magnanimous surprise guest.
Dr. Young announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Sydney found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Sydney residents can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our good town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Sydney Mayor Xavier. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including ant-ranchers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises warm jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now gigantic enough to shamelessly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Horace Peterson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in smoothly.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sue Ellen Lloyd, a prominent criminal usually at Bulldogs Avenue.
A inscrutable man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."
A report of 23 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
And so has Dr. Young, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Young, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that nuclear power properly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a pulled ego" the witty man grunted.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Richards, finagled a bold deal. "With this programmer, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Mao Kohl, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a steadily-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a shattered skull.
After the incident, mayor Richards of Buttonwillow witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"Analyzing the situation convincingly," a Jasonia writer stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my leg. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Fremont Aeros, but could have lost the war as utility player Thor Oscar was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Leila Gumbolt.
Oscar tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Alan O'Hare, Oscar's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A survey of 28 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.