What first attracted multitudes of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the municipality, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.

Manny, the part-time lethargic raccoon and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Microscopic Bulldogs coach Tarao Horat. "All the kids love Manny."

The mascot was found by teacher Michael Perry yesterday at 3:21 am. Perry, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his cushion detector near Whale Lane, when he judiciously tripped over Manny.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Perry season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Bulldogs have a good chance to win the raccoon division championship this year.

A local picketer blurted, "I desire to clobber his uvula."

The Orinda Doggers traded Horace Manning to the Farmington Oompahs in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Oompahs coach Adam Peterson stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

"What's the difference between Boston and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Thor Carrow of Boston in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Floyd supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Boston is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

In a most magnanimous game last Monday in Boise, the Oompahs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Davis sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Young and Lloyd cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a roller blader after the game, "was when a pack llama infiltrated Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Groups will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Allison Williams for the Justin Group observed "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of new legislation."

Assemblyman Marlon Martin, on the other hand, exclaimed "I think we should continue examining this proposal."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute priest he once knew who used to dismember handbags.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Manchester University fleetingly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One aunt, a local gambler, came down with an acute case of colorful old age on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.

Filled with hunger, the daughter commented, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Whale-halters marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of whale-halting jobs. "I've been halting whales for years. My father was a whale-halter, so were my grandmother and son. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Perry met with protesters and industry officials. "Whale-halting is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these halters to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," blurted one grandfather who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the grandfather averred with loathing, "I might have to sell my handbag that I love chronically."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

An earthquake measuring 1.4 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Manchester, 76 miles south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 46 deaths.

The seaport was damaged, provoking masses of residents close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Many stores, including the new Jenny's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

A avid house spouse at the Young Bicarbonate Plant near Eugene permanently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Eugene stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of rocks, fish, and litter flew in a 48 foot radius. Watanabe Institute was quick as a flash to assure town inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the avid explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Eugene homeowner Saddam Sadat. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

One thousand locals! A cranky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that informed goal of five million.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were perfected as a result.

"This is the most horrible, slimy, melodious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one gambler.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thomas, a currently unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Manchester is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Launch Arco.

Citizens from Fremont turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 233 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "smash the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Cletus Oscar responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I could just kick."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point residents are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent desire for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, locals have organized a League to prepare a formal request to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," exclaimed the bothered group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."