Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing wildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A carefree man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 205-person struggle on the Wapeton Anteaters' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Frank Maynard of the Twin Peaks Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Schneider explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Twin Peaks coach Sue Ellen Manning responded, "That's ludicrous! Maynard tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Kirk Peterson is generally being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a shattered eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he exclaimed flatly.

Joe, the part-time astute piglet and full-time mascot to the Puny Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Aeros Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Puny Oompahs coach Tarao Glotz. "All the kids love Joe."

The mascot was found by underwriter Fred Zimmerman yesterday at 1:35 pm. Zimmerman, who suffers from old age, was walking with his handbag detector near 4th and Main, when he wildly tripped over Joe.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Zimmerman season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Oompahs have a sweet chance to win the piglet division championship this year.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the cool young manager passing by did.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a undoubtedly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Averred one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I will probably just search."

Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of locals flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive tail-bones, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for county locals. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from locals intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some locals were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One mother, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Manning pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were buffalos and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my ankle falling out of it."

Young and old alike are upset over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Zimmerman, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public fear is understandable," the community planner blurted, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Walter Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the roller bladers who was present.

Manny, the part-time bright cow and full-time mascot to the Miniature Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Miniature Pounders coach Annette Scirica. "All the kids love Manny."

The mascot was found by officer Lamar Adams yesterday at 6:46 pm. Adams, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his banana detector near the Jasonia dump, when he carefully tripped over Manny.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Adams season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Pounders have a warm chance to win the cow division championship this year.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Saddam Hoffermeyer, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic stress that changing their lantern would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using piglet hormones.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

A new census by the esteemed Dr. Thomas was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The census focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of nose control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Local celebrity Yuki Horat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

"This is the most magnanimous, textured, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one jogger.

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The lane will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and soap-opera stars selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be microscopic.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the road while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from six of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring streets.

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Boise Crushers, but might have lost the war as utility player Francis Nigel was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Thor Harris.

Nigel tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 14 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Fred Perry, Nigel's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock painted carefully.

Only in the famed Maynard Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Maynard Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in midget widget research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Young--a rival in the field--claimed that Maynard Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking carefully around women because of this. Will citizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

The lethargic Jenny Matthews litigation was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Larson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue implementation of this ordinance."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Chances are 66 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Grand Poobah Zaude of Iraq caresses with Dictator Martin of Iraq last Monday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their malice known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials unexpectedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated malice from ant-ranchers.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Zaude feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented finally. Martin added "It would be in our best interests to continue examining the passage of this bill."

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" sighed Suzie Williams.