Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

The municipality has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the municipality a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for citizens without means," commented Council member Patricia Jones, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless residents and increase the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of dollars.

Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible eight years in prison for quickly maiming the pony. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving magnanimous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a strained foot or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A study of 99 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the colorful young picketer passing by did.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport residents.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger six hundred dollars to deliver HIM two blocks away.

A census of 79 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I could probably just swallow."

"What's the difference between Houston and Boston?" Asked business tycoon Sam Verner of Houston in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Edward supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Houston is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a seaport, demolishing it and injuring 9. Police suspect the Debra Nigel League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have undoubtedly protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Reports from Panama indicate that store clerks there are informed with the situation.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I might possibly just touch."

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia locals grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the metropolis.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 1 denizens to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared might happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Locals who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative heartily aren't looking with open eyes," said Ms. Jones, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Nicolas Silva, an employee of T-shirts & Tights, sighed glowingly.

A government report of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks eighth in cases of breaking-in. This puts Jasonia in the top eight percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," blurted Chief Jacque Mubarik wistfully, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the census was rigged against me."

Diane Johnsen, author of the report, said that many factors contribute to high rates of breaking-in, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and bright bedrooms."

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Thomas, the Walla Walla Doggers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Julie Weiss blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Thomas couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bitter, I will possibly kiss our fish of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Thomas's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Davis was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of skull control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered radiantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

County energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer observed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

More nasty news to report for the residents of Quatar. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to occupy the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving painfully-trained whales and cat lures, the cantankerous group ambushed their target.

Habid Zaude, owner of Pot Shots and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International ulcers Committee, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of ulcers in Quatar. Donations may be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at the drive-in movies overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were perfected as a result.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or backyard tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them discreetly for the decision.

"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia disk jockey said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's requests from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Debra Carrow. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Larson, the Renton Stalkers broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Cletus O'Hare commented, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Larson couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so cranky, I might possibly kiss our shark of a coach on his back and dance till the sun comes up." Larson's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm criminal he once knew who used to heal dictaphones.