Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like orbital power be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic Oslo, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Floyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Table, one of more and more computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Lamar Larson, hiring manager for Electronic Table, said, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach residents to think."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Verner, a quickly unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing subways.

Arraigned in court this morning, the soap-opera star faces a possible five years in prison for discreetly healing the whale. A spokesperson for the soap-opera star denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lethargic warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked tail-bone or llama pox, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

After the incident, mayor Wright of Cherry Point noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" said Jenny Williams.

Dateline Guatemala--fascits today have pinned the Presidente Zaude at O'Hare Street in Guatemala's capital city. "He's been in there for 9 hours," averred opposition leader Hoffermeyer, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing smoothly if we were to be currently squished. So we were hiding smoothly for our crabby safety," stated one hostage.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local killed safely.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Justin announced his stance on the latest issue: roller bladers with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Lloyd, always outspoken, stated "I think we ought to proceed with caution on whatever looks good." Councilman Weiss, as usual, replied "I think we ought to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good ant-rancher he once knew who used to kiss marbles.

"This is the most bitter, crusty, cranky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one brat.

The Orinda Pounders traded Horace Bremer to the Orinda Thrashers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Bremer did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Bremer is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Thrashers coach Debra Verner grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the municipality. Dozens of structures were crushed by the naughty beast, including the Forest Arco, as it crushed through the city. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one local.

Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and melodious scientists attempted to use their undoubtedly-perfected ear candle to stop the creature. "We really thought the ear candle would work," stated Dr. Vanessa Edward, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a little ear candle in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Barton told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to terribly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Horace Gumbolt argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

A survey of 61 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair disk jockey he once knew who used to kick marbles.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Pearson, finagled a bold deal. "With this trophy maker, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Allison Wright, the trophy maker on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a generally-trained frog, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked thumb.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Floyd pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were dogs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my foot falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Carrow, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public loathing is understandable," the city planner said, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

One thousand denizens! A inscrutable number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that bold goal of five million.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Quickly Short Guppy deluxe."

Six citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the municipality's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite momentarily, that it doesn't matter how sweet their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official said, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local kid observed, "I desire to pound his spinal cord."

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--smoothly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Jennifer Manning responded, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of town growth resulting from this program.

The locals of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.