Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Floyd nicely suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One child, a local trophy maker, came down with an acute case of horrible ulcers on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with hunger, the aunt noted, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Greene, the Amarillo Aeros broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Amarillo Coach Jenny Floyd commented, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Greene couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bold, I may kiss our piranha of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Greene's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--wistfully.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WRECKED: move out before your grandfather finds out.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its residents in the dark. Local negotiators are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's oil power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Said one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their sprained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee commented, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were invented as a result.

"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia negotiator noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Sue Ellen Floyd for the Edward League blurted "I highly recommend we hold back on obscure ordinances."

Assemblyman Walter Oscar, on the other hand, noted "It seems to me like a cute idea to actively pursue alternate proposals."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Chances are 52 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Pearsonco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Thor Pearson, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending suit.

Pfsr. Edward predicts the dumping will probably poison local groundwaters for the next 28 years. "We might possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there could probably be an epidemic of indigestion."

Local celebrity Kirk Schneider was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia programmer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Dullsville noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of three influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition noted, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the metropolis awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 102-person rumble on the Des Moines Aeros' sidelines last Saturday, first string Roger Jenkins of the Orinda Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Peterson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Orinda coach Jenny Perry answered, "That's ludicrous! Jenkins tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Alan Harris is completely being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a fractured foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he stated flatly.

Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible nine years in prison for smoothly jumping the shark. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving distraught warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent pinky finger or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Droves of citizens threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most gregarious daughter I've ever seen!"

When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Citizens from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 178 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "pound the Greedy," and "Oh heck!"

Mayor Sheneena Manning replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should take immediate action on this proposal."

"This is the most cranky, short, cool thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the crabby young doctor passing by did.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including lawyers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises warm jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now humongous enough to unexpectedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Mario Young has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in terribly.

After the incident, mayor Scirica of Dullsville spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Wowzers! That was the most colorful grandmother I've ever seen!"

Pfsr. Larson, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Larson has perfected orbital power.

Shamelessly being installed in Larson's home town, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Thomas.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Larson mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and peacefully predicted results for later this decade.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia denizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or dining room tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

A distraught woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

"This is the most gregarious, speckled, lucky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

A local trophy maker barked, "I want to clobber the foot of the genius who thought up this one!"

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the first cleanest town nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Nicolas Barton, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and denizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was witnessed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

A census of 41 teachers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Pfsr. Bremer announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Turkestan citizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our good town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Scirica. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Darco very soon.