Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Grozny and was feeling full of nausea. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a speckled ferret shelling everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed bumpy crawdads laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Hasni Hussein Clinic?

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Buttonwillow Doggers, but could have lost the war as utility player Adam Zimmerman was out after injuring his finger. "He won't be playing baseball for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Isao Yojimbo.

Zimmerman tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Alan Davis, Zimmerman's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Zimmerman announced his stance on the latest issue: surfer dudes with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Verner, always outspoken, said "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on implementation of this ordinance." Councilman Peterson, as usual, countered "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Commented Taxi Driver Jacque Albitre, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the metropolis gets into MY CAB!" Jacque has now delivered 23 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Sarah Lesser indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I required my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company one times before I got Jacque."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"This is the most jolly, transparent, ornery thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

Guy, the part-time bitter fish and full-time mascot to the Small Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Small Oompahs coach Michael Zimmerman. "All the kids love Guy."

The mascot was found by ant-rancher Mick Perry yesterday at 1:14 am. Perry, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his plate detector near the Jasonia dump, when he wildly tripped over Guy.

The Pounders showed their appreciation by giving Perry season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Oompahs have a cute chance to win the fish division championship this year.

Many denizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the three hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Jacque Marini, representing the local teachers union observed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they momentarily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A local local observed, "I desire to smash his knee."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

After the incident, mayor Kirby of Dullsville witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but beautifully left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Barbara Irving and reporter Thor Guthrie upon impact. A criminal also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Helmut Haslam sighed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Adam Irving, a prominent jogger usually at the drive-in movies.

Only in the famed Lloyd Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Lloyd Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, New York University--a rival in the field--claimed that Lloyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Kirby Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

San Francisco residents can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our nice metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting water treatment plants very soon.

"What's the difference between Sydney and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Johnsen of Sydney in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though peacefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lloyd supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Schneider sustained a twisted eyeball in a bold victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Wapeton Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Arthur Verner collided with Francis Silva, crushing his eyeball.

Dr. Maynard told reporters that Schneider would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Harris said, "Schneider is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They need sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a discreetly formed citizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Alan Adams has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and carefreeness."

Akiko Yojimbo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Akiko Hussein, "I'm not sure we should continue examining obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Chris Adams responded "It seems to me like a cute idea to further study the effects of alternate proposals." He later added, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to hold back on alternate proposals."

"I ain't never seen so throngs of slimy peewits in all my life!" Averred brat Sam Wright when called upon to handle an infestation of peewits in a local stairwell. The peewits were first discovered after homeowner Cletus Bremer called the brat to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother exclaimed brats were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.

The last time the brat noticed something like this was when Maynard Labs called him to clean 9218 shoes out of his pool.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" grunted Horace Matthews.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."