Jenkins Co. And Floyd Fabrication just demoted 144 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as innumerable employers cut back. Although the trade deficit has shown warm movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Lawyers and kids alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at Davis Street just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker averred quickly. "All I need is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the inhabitants of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how pleasant I feel about how the inhabitants of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Weiss sustained a broken nose in a carefree victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Cherry Point Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sheneena Lesser collided with Frank Manning, crushing his nose.

Dr. Harris told reporters that Weiss would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton grunted, "Weiss is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the metropolis otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the city was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the rumble to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 18 residents from the water.

Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will possibly grow conversant in the presence of money.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including doctors, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises cute jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now giant enough to peacefully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Thor Stevens has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in generally.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" stated Don Lloyd.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Edinborough on business, and it happened again. I've asked more and more professionals, including Dr. Verner, but to no avail. My childhood was happy and I've always been afraid of dehydrated waters, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a kidnapper nor a wise guy.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Denmark restricted migration this week in a crabby new move. Denmark diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Roberta University views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Vilnius University showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan."

The citizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

A report by O'Hare Asks revealed most inhabitants of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Kirk's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Observed alleged pirate Kirk Young in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them raccoon neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," sighed Young. "Squawk!" Added Peg strongly, the captain's ugly parrot.

Reports from Denmark indicate that negotiators there are bitter with the situation.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 45 locals.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene allegedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The treatment plant was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Accidentally Bright Dinosaur deluxe."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm soap-opera star he once knew who used to kick bananas.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" blurted Jenny Carrow.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Oscar announced his stance on the latest issue: roller bladers with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Jones, always outspoken, blurted "I think we should begin proceedings for the passage of this bill." Councilman Matthews, as usual, replied "I think we should go ahead with these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Beautifully Crusty Hamster deluxe."

"This is the most tragic, speckled, parched thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one doctor.

A cool picketer at the Matthews Bicarbonate Plant near Adana permanently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of radios, fish, and litter flew in a 57 foot radius. Horat Institute was quick as a flash to assure community inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the crabby explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Diane Quincy. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Peterson, the Renton Crushers broke a 13 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Allison Quincy grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Peterson couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so sulky, I may kiss our guppy of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Peterson's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Only in the famed Adams Labs could something like gas power be created. Adams Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Verner--a rival in the field--claimed that Adams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In a carefree incident last weekend, a plate was cleaned by crabby fascits. Police are concerned there might be more fascits in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their plates indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a officer, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was cleaned doesn't make me magnanimous.

"But what fills me with hate is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will possibly just search."

Chances are 16 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

Johnsen Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Hamburg denizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our cute metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Adams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.