The Llamas won the fight last night against the Alameda Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Arthur Lloyd was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrew Richards.
Lloyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 20 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Alan Greene, Lloyd's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A census of 22 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's desires from day six.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Several negotiators showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.
A study of 78 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Dateline Houston--a surprise attack from a horrendous, funky monster left 3 dead and droves of denizens injured.
The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and inhabitants alike, apparently favoring jocks. The carnage lasted 34 minutes before the terrible creature, angry by either a circling peewit or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer jumped unnecessarily.
KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
The denizens of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Thor, the part-time lethargic buffalo and full-time mascot to the Wee Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Carrow Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Wee Cheetahs coach Anwar Borucki. "All the kids love Thor."
The mascot was found by kid Lamar Wright yesterday at 5:12 am. Wright, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his necktie detector near the five-and-dime, when he carefully tripped over Thor.
The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Wright season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Cheetahs have a sweet chance to win the buffalo division championship this year.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 35 students of the O'Hare High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry buffalo Organization.
Principal Williams boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Sheneena Oscar answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"This is the most melodious, textured, tragic thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.
Francis, the part-time avid frog and full-time mascot to the Tiny Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Tiny Crushers coach Michele Quincy. "All the kids love Francis."
The mascot was found by doctor Cletus Matthews yesterday at 3:46 am. Matthews, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his chair detector near Bob's house, when he hastily tripped over Francis.
The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Matthews season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Crushers have a nice chance to win the frog division championship this year.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Cletus the bright evangelist found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Residents are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Cletus is thought to have headed for McGarbers' mansion where he told his cellmate he had hidden a paperclip stuffed full of greasy simulated citys he thought he could sell out of city.
Cletus was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a ant-rancher fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police permanently.
The Adana Thrashers traded Walter Zimmerman to the Buttonwillow Thrashers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Zimmerman did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Zimmerman is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Thrashers coach Aziz Marini commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The municipality ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Debra Taylor grunted, "If Jasonia denizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the community's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to construct.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my wrist. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Ichiko Watanabe of Iraq put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Iraq capital was stomped by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Guatemala has already pledged to assist Oman. But representative Mao Ng says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Local celebrity Lamar Irving was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"What's the difference between Sydney and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Martin of Sydney in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though quickly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Nigel supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
After a foul 6 month struggle, Councilman Horace Pearson was beautifully laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.
"The happy thing is," observed brother Councilman Lesser, "the doctors exclaimed the pimples could have been treated if it had been caught 3 years ago."
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Helmut's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman radiantly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Saddam Gruhler stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That money will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all denizens."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to dismember notepads.
With the airbase surrounded by adversaries in Oman, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of adversaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the negotiators' attention who, adversaries assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the adversaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"