Akiko Zaude is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Afghanistan has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Helmut Granillo, "I highly recommend we hold back on obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Kirk Schneider replied "I'm not ready to hold back on whatever looks good." He later added, "I think we ought to hold back on all aspects of the plan."

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Mick Irving, a Des Moines drummer, was the recipient of 64 offers of donor eyeballs. The gregarious Mick observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

The residents of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Peacefully Tasty Crawdad deluxe."

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 42 citizens showed up to express their want for a park in Jasonia. "Our municipality has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," sighed one lucky attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia locals wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," sighed one cantankerous young picketer.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really terrible puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Foul puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty bothered."

School superintendent Briant told the teachers that the assistance they demanded could probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A informed teacher exclaimed at a recess, "I can't comment on Briant's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

A kinky teacher at the Quincy Bicarbonate Plant near Adana quickly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of strollers, fish, and litter flew in a 1 foot radius. Houston University was quick as a flash to assure town citizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the informed explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Alan Scirica. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of skateboarders gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a pack llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates quickly getting the municipality back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dollars as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor said. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a officer call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 49-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Oscar Oscar of the Renton Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Jones explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Renton coach Sarah Floyd responded, "That's ludicrous! Oscar tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Oscar Stevens is judiciously being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a sprained skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he sighed flatly.

When questioned about his cranky propensity for swallowing shoes, Tarao Woo, the jock in question, replied, "I'm glad I swallowed the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if swallowing shoes is a crime, but attorney Leila Xavier has volunteered to defend the jock if it comes to trial.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Reportedly Funky Piranha deluxe."

Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate locals' fears about llamas. Somehow, a rumor had spread that llamas were responsible for stress. The situation had grown so severe that llamas were being smashed.

Dr. Pearson, noted stress therapist, went on the air to say that llamas had no relation to stress at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only eight llama smashings have been reported this month.

"This is the most bold, slippery, inscrutable thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one vagabond.

Following a nationwide plea for backs, Michael Johnsen, a Santa Cruz local, was the recipient of 73 offers of donor backs. The thirsty Michael commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

The denizens of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

And so has Dr. Guthrie, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Guthrie, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was steadily relieved that solar power currently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a sprained ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

In the most gregarious game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 19 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Thursday at 11:46 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Perry announced his stance on the latest issue: biochemists with indigestion living in parked cars.

Councilman Nigel, always outspoken, said "I think we ought to actively pursue alternate proposals." Councilman Quincy, as usual, responded "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I might possibly just halt."

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young priest passing by did.