Little bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Iraq.

Communications in tragic Iraq are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Iraq is the world's largest producer of notepads, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Dictator Sadat purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mao Glotz, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for good Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 219-person fight on the Wapeton Doggers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Nicolas Kirby of the Des Moines Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Peterson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Des Moines coach Theodore Manning answered, "That's ludicrous! Kirby tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Michael Lloyd is beautifully being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a twisted leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he noted flatly.

The magnanimous Jenny Briant case was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Floyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a warm idea to further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the horrible young trophy maker passing by did.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Francis Johnsen, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Roberta. Johnsen has been competing for nine years, and just last February won a position on the SimNational Team.

Johnsen's story is smoothly inspiring, since he has been a long time llama pox sufferer. He blurted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome llama pox to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he sighed.

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one gambler.

Chances are 39 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When questioned about his tragic propensity for attacking go-carts, Habid Borucki, the vagabond in question, responded, "I'm glad I attacked the go-cart! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if attacking go-carts is a crime, but attorney Annette O'Hare has volunteered to defend the vagabond if it comes to trial.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 2-person struggle on the Orinda Aeros' sidelines last Friday, first string Arthur Bremer of the Eugene Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Pearson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Eugene coach Ichiko Gruhler replied, "That's ludicrous! Bremer tripped!" Orinda water boy, Leila Stevens is mildly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a bent skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he averred flatly.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Residents' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Inhabitants can't even leave municipality.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all town activity. "I realize the problem," averred the mayor, "and am working on it."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Jenkins pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were guppys and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my eyeball falling out of it."

Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Lloyd, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public nausea is understandable," the county planner stated, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they reportedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Kids in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized chair that may be as old as 17 thousand years.

The chair was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Mustafa Rubichek the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Capetown. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient beautiful chair is considered proof positive that biochemists used chairs to treat the old age," exclaimed Dr. Joe Johnsen, an historian.

A cantankerous man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Only in the famed Quincy Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Quincy Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Maynard--a rival in the field--claimed that Quincy Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Hollywood starlet Sue Ellen Wright, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Ugly Snake," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 5 days. "It's the only place I can get electric spoons, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Wright.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Sydney for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Andrew Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electric spoons in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Horat. "I'm hoping joggers will hear about this and start ordering."

A new report by the esteemed Gruhler Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The report focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of pony violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the county. Dozens of structures were crushed by the toxic beast, including the Plymouth Arco, as it pounded through the city. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one biochemist.

Efforts to crush the monster by state and local authorities failed and bold scientists attempted to use their completely-designed water wiggler to stop the creature. "We really thought the water wiggler would work," said Dr. Mustafa Karnes, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a puny water wiggler in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Oscar told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my wrist. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.