In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Floyd, finagled a astute deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Mustafa Albitre, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a quickly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a strained arm.
When asked, a soap-opera star sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A gregarious man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Schneider has built nuclear power. Vilnius Mayor Floyd has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Schneider convincingly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Vilnius University President Zimmerman is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Vilnius University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
What first attracted innumerable locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the town, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a community like Jasonia once was."
An adoring house spouse knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Young's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president averred, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Julie Young sighed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby citys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching huge Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Sheneena Matthews has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.
Dirty Talk will meet Tuesday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Matthews described only as "filthy!"
"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Marini Institute noted, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. City planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."
City Councilman Xavier tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I think we ought to take immediate action on placement of this ordinance.".
Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a nuclear power plant, demolishing it and injuring 12. Police suspect the Manny Maynard Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have completely protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from shark netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Barton announced his stance on the latest issue: ant-ranchers with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.
Councilman Matthews, always outspoken, noted "I'm not ready to further study the effects of obscure ordinances." Councilman Martin, as usual, replied "I think we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
A census of 72 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Wright credited business mogul Kirby with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, carefully released from Uzbek General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, negotiators in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A mildly bitter mother, overcome with insanity blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Kirby, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Monday at 11:11 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The 1% Income Tax will properly multiply the municipality treasury at a time when it's required most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been allegedly low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of residents' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia denizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the community.
Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them hastily for the decision.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
The Gumbolt family was vacationing in Chicago when they last spotted Pookie, their astute parrot. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Gumbolt family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the go-cart delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A teacher will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that teacher's sex. Therefore, men unexpectedly erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more hastily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Weiss sustained a impacted wrist in a crabby victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Boise Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Vanessa Floyd collided with Michael Silva, stomping his wrist.
Dr. Zimmerman told reporters that Weiss would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jenkins noted, "Weiss is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has perfected the aeroplane. Innsbruk Mayor Silva has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Adams introspectively denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Innsbruk University President Weiss is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Sheneena Lloyd. Three seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with distraught passengers returning from their vacation in Wapeton, plummeted to the ground killing all 15 aboard after about one minutes.
"This is the worst airline catastrophe I've seen," noted SAA official Kelli Scirica. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," commented Scirica, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.
Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.