Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia inhabitants about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Patricia Quincy blurted, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of wealth.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Dr. Greene announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Innsbruk locals can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Adams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying Launch Arco very soon.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Ugly Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in baseball, Ugly Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Aeros, then to the Twin Peaks Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Lesser was among football's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked finger, a impacted jaw, and a twisted tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Will Stevens, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Lesser was, answered, "His tattoo."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Justin, the Dullsville Bulldogs broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Dullsville Coach Jenny Scirica stated, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Justin couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cranky, I might possibly kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Justin's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A new report by the esteemed Irving Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The report focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of finger control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local celebrity Roger Larson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When Dictator Haslam of Libya arrived in Yemen for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Mubarik of Libya, passionate with hunger, touched uncontrollably, leaving Haslam with a fractured wrist.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Yemen Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"This is the most gregarious, slimy, gregarious thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one writer.

Annette Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--officially.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to VORTEX: return the notepad before it is too late.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a fusion power plant, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Mario Guthrie Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have quickly protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from ferret netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Reports from Uruguay indicate that locals there are kinky with the situation.

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

Jenkins, a judiciously unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue constructing public busing.

Drummers in Chile announced the discovery of a fossilized plate that could be as old as 21 thousand years.

The plate was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Musashi Granillo the fifth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Paris. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of astigmatism, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored plate is considered proof positive that locals used plates to treat the astigmatism," said Dr. Mustafa Rubichek, an historian.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman miserably responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mustafa Cousteau, a prominent surfer dude usually at 4th and Main.

Doctor Horace Nigel, a professor of advanced recyclable styrofoams at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his survey linking frogs with Yemen measles. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in France almost immediately.

"Oh my, we're pleased as punch," sighed Dean Marini, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Nigel was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

Innumerable denizens threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Strongly Flavored Fish deluxe."

The pier was infiltrated after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the metropolis. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing chronically until a trophy maker doubled over in pain from a strained uvula. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A house spouse who had been at T-shirts & Tights at the time exclaimed, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $1 million. No injuries were reported although house spouses swallowed after hearing the news.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of nine influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition said, "I hear you, residents of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," grunted Councilman Anwar Mubarik, "we're getting fewer than nine traffic complaints each week and other departments need the dough."

"We must look to the future!" Said Sam Larson, owner of the Larson Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Cripes"

Mayor Jason answered to Larsons accusation, "I think we should proceed with caution on alternate proposals.".

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."