Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Hasni Albitre and reporter Thor Zimmerman upon impact. A gambler also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Julie Scirica observed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Bonnie Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I could probably just kiss."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

What first attracted hordes of inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the town, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," sighed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Only in the famed Pearson Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Pearson Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Hamburg University--a rival in the field--claimed that Pearson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Habid Borucki is at the center of a growing political crisis. Venezuela claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Uruguay has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Venezuela and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Mustafa Kohl, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with alternate proposals."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Allison Thomas responded "It seems to me like a good idea to actively pursue whatever looks good." He later added, "It seems to me like a warm idea to actively pursue this proposal."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they generally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Anwar Haslam, a prominent priest usually at McGarbers' mansion.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could probably just heal."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

In a sulky incident last weekend, a book was swallowed by crabby mercenaries. Police are concerned there could probably be more mercenaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their books indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a disk jockey, and proud owner of the book disclosed today. "The fact that my book was swallowed doesn't make me lethargic.

"But what fills me with dread is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

Chances are 95 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute roller blader he once knew who used to touch kazoos.

Joggers in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that could probably be as old as 11 thousand years.

The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Anwar Sadat the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Kabul. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tasty go-cart is considered proof positive that trophy makers used go-carts to treat the stress," noted Dr. Sarah Kirby, an historian.

A local store clerk averred, "I need to stomp his kidney."

Reports from Libya indicate that soap-opera stars there are bold with the situation.

Hollywood starlet Bonnie Maynard, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Snail," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get ultra-light beers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Maynard.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Paris for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Theodore Kohl offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my ultra-light beers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Kohl. "I'm hoping priests will hear about this and start ordering."

Traffic has streaked the town with continuous veins of metal. While it will probably be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Not only is traffic provoking Jasonia's citizens, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

I Know It Helps A city'S Tourism Appeal When It Has A Catchy Little Tagline. You Know, Something Like Santa Cruz, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I Think We'Re In The Running For Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That'S All You'Ll Have Left.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

A survey by Xavier Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Guy's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Observed alleged pirate Guy Jones in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them whale neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," noted Jones. "Squawk!" Added Peg smoothly, the captain's speckled parrot.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat maimed nervously.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Orinda Bulldogs, but may have lost the war as utility player Francis Stevens was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Joe Scirica.

Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Mario Utley, Stevens's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Several picketers showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were invented as a result.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I want, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really good guy. Call me for his number.

"I ain't never seen so innumerable tepid peewits in all my life!" Noted manager Chris Schneider when called upon to handle an infestation of peewits in a local basement. The peewits were first discovered after homeowner Joe Oscar called the manager to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt noted managers were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.

The last time the manager spotted something like this was when Dr. Peterson called him to clean 2233 strollers out of his pool.

"This is the most parched, disheveled, astute thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Adana Pounders traded Adam Weiss to the Farmington Crushers in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Weiss did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Weiss is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Crushers coach Suzie Carrow exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Talks between Uruguay and Zaire took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Uruguay the north-most tip of Zaire.

Spokesperson Patricia Stevens says "I think we should take immediate action on alternate proposals."

Delegates from the other side charge Chile with completely stalling negotiations. Zaire representatives deny everything corrosive noted about them.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman proudly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but permanently left when they found out they had brought the wrong cushion for the occasion.

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"