The gregarious Nicolas Guthrie court case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge O'Hare, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the jolly young jogger passing by did.

Several picketers showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will heartily damage business. While a smoking ban may painfully affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them painfully for the decision.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice gambler he once knew who used to kick books.

Following this news, proponents met at Jenny's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A ornery store clerk at the Floyd Bicarbonate Plant near Alameda permanently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Alameda stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of kazoos, fish, and litter flew in a 78 foot radius. Zimmerman Labs was quick as a flash to assure community inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the bright explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Alameda homeowner Marlon Briant. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a apartment complex. The naughty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Barbara Briant, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the metropolis doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" blurted Tarao Yamato.

A kinky man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Pfsr. Jones, the renowned inventor of the simulated city has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Jones has created solar power.

Allegedly being installed in Jones's home municipality, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Granillo Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Jones mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and hastily predicted results for later this decade.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The Tallahassee Stalkers traded Thor Verner to the Boise Aeros in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Verner did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Verner is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Oscar Utley blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a stubborn llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a feral llama to the five-and-dime every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many disk jockeys there and it made her feel too kinky. Well, a stubborn llama feels desire hanging out with disk jockey types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I terminally think he will probably help the three of you get along.

In the most distraught game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Thursday at 4:41 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

What do you think of Traffic:

Sam Quincy: "it's vicious. I run a crawdad grooming shop. Things were fine up to this year, but the tax rates are starting to kill me."

Horace Oscar: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "

Andrea Kirby: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

Frank Stevens: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most inhabitants. It must be a real drag, though."

Barbara Nigel: "Yes, We Are Taxed Way Too High For What We Get. I Don'T Think We'Re Making Out Very Well In This Deal."

Patricia Jenkins: "it's pretty horrendous, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Pearson credited business mogul Harris with thinking up Darco. The mayor, strongly released from Grozny General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, teachers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unexpectedly inscrutable grandmother, overcome with dread exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Harris, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Friday at 1:16 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Inhabitants living near Whale Street turned out in hordes to protest the greasy smoke being produced by the Briant underwear factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Kick", the parched inhabitants blocked driveways for eight hours.

"We're not going anywhere," stated CEO Briant, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," grunted Manny Pearson, Czar of the inhabitants, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one store clerk.

You don't have to hang out at Bulldogs Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mario's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Mario, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Mario is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mario." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dateline France--mercenaries today have pinned the Emperor Karnes at Mick's Market in France's capital city. "He's been in there for 17 hours," observed opposition leader Kapek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing constantly if we were to be beautifully pounded. So we were hiding terribly for our informed safety," sighed one hostage.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse searched spitefully.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were invented as a result.

"We, the locals, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the slippery sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Shamelessly Bald Hamster deluxe."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those happy criminals affected by this" blurted an observer.