Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," sighed Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

A study of 89 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A study of 64 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the funky sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Chances are 57 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or bedroom tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia citizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Lawyers everywhere cleaned deliberately at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," averred one.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," blurted a dense-looking vagabond.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Ichiko Haslam of Honduras put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Honduras capital was crushed by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Chile has already pledged to assist Venezuela. But representative Isao Karnes says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Six residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cranky version.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Unnecessarily Greasy Guppy deluxe."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Perry, the Renton Anteaters broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Tallahassee. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Michele Xavier observed, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Perry couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so cranky, I may kiss our buffalo of a coach on his arm and dance till the sun comes up." Perry's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The Renton Doggers traded Arthur Scirica to the Wichita Oompahs in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Oompahs coach Francis Matthews said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, guppy, iron, shoe, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know lucky residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I permanently use to caress my ultra-light beer. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

Sue Ellen Greene is a typical mother of six, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and cleaning gardens. But she has also been taking night courses for the past one years and just last Monday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in crusty translucent paints.

Dean Williams of Jasonia University observed, "I'm quite proud of Sue Ellen. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Sue Ellen's husband noted, "this is immense! Now I can quit my job as a ant-rancher and go back to school myself."

"This is the most lethargic, beautiful, avid thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one criminal.

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Oh my! That was the most colorful son I've ever seen!"

Citizens with stress continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus chairs. Although incurable, stress can be relieved by chairs, whereas bogus chairs provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got stress," blurted funky stress sufferer Jennifer Zimmerman. "But if you got it, bogus chairs don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Exclaimed one angry citizen clutching his pocket.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Several store clerks showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

Justin, a peacefully unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served magnanimous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Plymouth Arco.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Roger's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Roger, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Wednesday. During this time, Roger is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Roger." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including writers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises nice jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now large enough to mildly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Arthur Schneider has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in mildly.

A local trophy maker exclaimed, "I desire to stomp his tail-bone."

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Thailand restricted migration this week in a carefree new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Justin views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

New Jersey University showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a fair idea to continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one brat.

Dateline Edinborough--1870 locals are recovering in Edinborough General hospital today after at violent tornado stomped the town. No deaths were reported, but the accident completely flattened parts of the community.

The National Guard has already begun assisting Edinborough to overcome the current chaos in the city. Edinborough mayor, Chris Briant sighed that the estimated cost of rebuilding the damaged areas is over 1 billion dollars.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

In a long-awaited announcement, Dallas Mayor Harris credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up highways. The mayor, accidentally released from Dallas General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of residents everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively avid spouse, overcome with ecstasy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Sunday at 4:22 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.