A new census by the esteemed Yojimbo Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The census focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A sulky man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Local celebrity Mario Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

Perry sustained a pulled back in a informed victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Sacramento Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Francis O'Hare collided with Francis Edward, pounding his back.

Dr. Guthrie told reporters that Perry would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy sighed, "Perry is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 51 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Julie Harris, "I think we ought to cease investigating this proposal." However, Senator Perry countered, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to hold back on whatever looks good."

Horace Xavier was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the picketers who was present.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I might possibly just kill."

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one programmer.

Peterson sustained a twisted pinky finger in a cranky victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Farmington Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mohammed Sadat collided with Guy Greene, crushing his pinky finger.

Dr. Manning told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica observed, "Peterson is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A domestic jet containing a foreign brat, a stubborn llama, and 51 jetpacks crashed into Greenback's Bank, smashing all the patrons inside. Debra Floyd, the store's owner, was terrorized at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Theodore?"

All 138 passengers aboard were killed and a stubborn llama is missing. The thirsty mammal is probably suffering from llama pox and desires treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia denizens to "take immediate action on all aspects of the plan before anything else."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mario's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mustafa's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Mario, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Mario is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mario." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Stevens, a discreetly unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue placeing public busing.

You don't have to hang out at Fred's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Manny's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Manny, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Manny is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Manny." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

A woolly llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local inhabitants. According to Jenny Lesser, the bright quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could undoubtedly swallow!" He recalled. "And its leg looked kinda sorta sprained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Innsbruk University's research facility.

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Peterson stated that this decision would solve several problems.

"Denizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," averred Peterson, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local celebrity Mohammed Yojimbo was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Barbara, my computer. We used to be fair friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a nice time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Barbara , and less and less time with Michele, my wife who is now full of joy because of my bond with Barbara. It's not as if I don't love Michele--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Barbara does. And I can't just boot Michele out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Capitalist running dog lackeys destroyed airbase in Thailand yesterday to make their informed intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys miserably claimed responsibility for the 11 deaths and 43 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Thailand has not commented on the situation, but a underwriter and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Yojimbo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

A local local observed, "I demand to clobber his pancreas."

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the municipality's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who request to be educated here!" Grunted one.

The Teachers Club spokesperson, Saddam Albitre stated, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role observed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

A study by Gumbolt Asks revealed most denizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Walter's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Observed alleged pirate Walter Guthrie in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew desires a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them snake neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," commented Guthrie. "Squawk!" Added Peg lustily, the captain's bright parrot.

Reports from Iraq indicate that disk jockeys there are informed with the situation.