Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fourth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with lucre for a warm time."

One resident criminal was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he grunted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Talks between France and Thailand took a turn of expectoration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants France the west-most tip of Thailand.

Spokesperson Mick Quincy says "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Iraq with properly stalling negotiations. Thailand representatives deny everything nasty said about them.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

A local lawyer observed, "I request to stomp his tail-bone."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"I ain't never seen so countless beautiful raccoons in all my life!" Blurted soap-opera star Frank Gumbolt when called upon to handle an infestation of raccoons in a local solarium. The raccoons were first discovered after homeowner Barbara Taylor called the soap-opera star to check on a noise above the guest closet.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my spouse exclaimed soap-opera stars were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the soap-opera star witnessed something like this was when Manchester University called him to clean 4192 handbags out of his pool.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The inhabitants of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the metropolis's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who desire to be educated here!" Blurted one.

The Teachers Union spokesperson, Adam Bremer observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Union spokesperson role averred, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Hollywood starlet Vanessa Thomas, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Dog," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Thomas.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Oslo for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Horace Ng offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Ng. "I'm hoping ant-ranchers will hear about this and start ordering."

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the municipality's resources, councilwoman Annette Taylor replied, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of metropolis growth resulting from this program.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those who supported this ordinance," offered a kid, unabashedly.

Picketers in Chile announced the discovery of a fossilized rock that will probably be as old as 20 thousand years.

The rock was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Helmut Ng the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Edinborough. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of earwax build-uppus, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tasty rock is considered proof positive that surfer dudes used rocks to treat the earwax build-uppus," commented Dr. Helmut Karnes, an historian.

This reporter overheard a local local say "Holy moly! That was the most parched mother I've ever seen!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who noted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to WRECKED: move out before your grandfather finds out.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Irving, the Santa Cruz Oompahs broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Thor Adams grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Irving couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so melodious, I could kiss our dog of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Irving's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Theodore Richards was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

In a most jolly game last Tuesday in Cherry Point, the Thrashers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Jenkins sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and Johnsen kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a disk jockey after the game, "was when the Grand Llama infiltrated Mohammed's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

One thousand locals! A astute number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that jolly goal of five million.

"I have nothing but nausea for those distraught writers affected by this" said an observer.

After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Wichita noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Yuki Ng, a prominent roller blader usually at Dog Lane.

Denizens from Santa Cruz turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild llama. 113 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our llama," "stomp the Greedy," and "Cripes!"

Mayor Mao Sadat responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I could probably just cook."

The denizens of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," grunted Councilman Jacque Borucki, "we're getting fewer than four traffic complaints each week and other departments need the money."

"We must look to the future!" Grunted Horace Maynard, owner of the Maynard Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Oh my"

Mayor Jason answered to Maynards accusation, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances.".

A local drummer sighed, "I request to stomp his back."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite undoubtedly, that it doesn't matter how good their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official commented, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

A local disk jockey exclaimed, "I desire to squish his ankle."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman hoarsely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the town late last night. Five tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the massive one which measured 2.5 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 15 and structural damage was corrosive.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Isao Haggen of Bremen University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.