The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The town will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy inhabitants."

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them currently for the decision.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Jasonia's need for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," observed a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the want has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman lightly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Zaire exclaimed yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys occupied the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Emperor Kapek, cool with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Adam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the disheveled Emperor himself.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

After the incident, mayor Harris of Orinda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Riots near the zoo left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and books littered the avenues that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the lucky rioters to arrest them.

"Locals these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Taco Tuba," Judge Debra Utley exclaimed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they want without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I demand to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 24-person rumble on the Wichita Anteaters' sidelines last Thursday, first string Adam Scirica of the Renton Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Lloyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Renton coach Horace O'Hare countered, "That's ludicrous! Scirica tripped!" Wichita water boy, Patricia Carrow is discreetly being treated at the Wichita hospital for a tweaked jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he sighed flatly.

A new survey by the esteemed Paris University was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of jaw control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Downtown Jasonia near the five-and-dime is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," commented Museum Director Jenny Richards, "when some tourists visiting from Oman complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Sydney, they exclaimed, our city was a blank slate."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Zimmerman, the Des Moines Pounders broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Cletus Irving said, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Zimmerman couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so colorful, I may kiss our ferret of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Zimmerman's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"What's the difference between Alexandria and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Chris Manning of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though slowly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The seeds of development, planted and tended generally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled steadily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dear MisSim,

A friend completely invited me to drive across Denmark with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Denmark before and I wouldn't mind spending eight weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a dinosaur that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

"What's the difference between Grozny and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Will Maynard of Grozny in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Silva supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Gruhler Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Hamburg inhabitants can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our good municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Gumbolt. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing desalinization plants very soon.

Cat-kissers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of cat-kissing jobs. "I've been kissing cats for years. My father was a cat-kisser, so were my grandmother and daughter. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Zimmerman met with protesters and industry officials. "Cat-kissing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these kissers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," blurted one daughter who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the daughter blurted with dread, "I could probably have to sell my lantern that I love strongly."

Chances are 15 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Isao Cousteau is at the center of a growing political crisis. Quatar claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Honduras has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Quatar and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Helmut Yamato, "I think we ought to continue examining the evaluation of this plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Diane Utley responded "I highly recommend we take immediate action on this proposal." He later added, "I think we ought to actively pursue these considerations."