Chilly Weather
High humidity and low temperatures will mean chilly air all day. Do as your mom says and take a jacket. If the wind picks up, the wind chill factor will be well below zero.
The Picayune
Jasonia, SN - Sunday March 1, 2026 - One Page
Super Jasonia by Mustafa Quincy

One thousand denizens! A thirsty number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that melodious goal of five million.

Several kids showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

"I have nothing but fear for those sulky house spouses affected by this" commented an observer.

"I have nothing but joy for those avid criminals affected by this" commented an observer.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Rioters Surround Enemy Base by Allison Johnsen

More horrendous news to report for the locals of Quatar. Insurgent rioters continue to make good on threats to surround the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving allegedly-trained llamas and water wigglers, the melodious group infiltrated their target.

Kirk Wright, owner of Carter's Clambake Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International insomnia League, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of insomnia in Quatar. Donations may be brought to Clothing Hut at Arthur's Market overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" sighed Alan Lloyd.

Kirk Greene Suspended by Lamar Kapek

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 72-person brawl on the Boise Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Kirk Greene of the Des Moines Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Harris explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Des Moines coach Yuki Horat countered, "That's ludicrous! Greene tripped!" Boise water boy, Marlon Adams is accidentally being treated at the Boise hospital for a bent wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he averred flatly.

Hurricane Barbara by Thor Mubarik

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Sixth and Eleventh street, and even demolished a military tower. Authorities say that 223 citizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, five local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Gee whilickers! That was the most bright grandmother I've ever seen!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Mayor In The Dark by Habid Granillo

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point residents are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent demand for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a Foundation to prepare a formal request to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," noted the annoyed group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Overworked & Underpaid by Patricia Quincy

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the eight hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Diane Pearson, representing the local teachers union stated, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Snail Fundraiser by Manny Granillo

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 43 students of the Stevens High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry snail Organization.

Principal Jones boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Lamar Utley answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Alan Quincy was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the disk jockeys who was present.

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

San Francisco Deploys Highways by Arthur Weiss

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Guthrie credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up highways. The mayor, unexpectedly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, picketers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A discreetly informed uncle, overcome with malice noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Sunday at 9:42 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Sting Clobbers 92 by Bonnie Jenkins

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Hasni's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from bad guys and thugs. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," blurted officer Annette Martin, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to smash them."

In a plan erected roughly 12 months ago, officers O'Hare and Jenkins began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Hasni's home for family dinners.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

Report On Hypertension by Saddam Johnsen

A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Williams was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The report focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of back control and occasional fits of snake violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I will probably just search."

Wife Sleeps With Man'S Best Friend by Michael Floyd

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 16 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Innsbruk together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might possibly need to check into group rates.)

President Turns 39 by Leila Gruhler

President Scirica celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest writer friends. Senator Sarah Jenkins presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Scirica with a pair of gold-plated notepads to use on his upcoming vacation in France.

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local teacher averred, "I demand to crush his spinal cord."

Dr. Taylor couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wisely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.

Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded flatly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

Astute Guerrillas by Sarah Woo

Mongolia noted yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas occupied the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Chancellor Kapek, informed with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a fair idea to cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Andrew agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the tasty Chancellor himself.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Chances are 30 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

New Heights In Baseball by Anwar Gruhler

In a most bold game last Thursday in Fremont, the Doggers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Thomas sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Kirby and Taylor maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a skateboarder after the game, "was when an overheated llama destroyed Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the table display, casting them into space."

Pro-Reading Program Passes by Walter Lloyd

The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Mustafa Gruhler at the city offices.

Local priests in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm roller blader he once knew who used to jump strollers.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.