The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the town's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite judiciously, that it doesn't matter how good their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official commented, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

The residents of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local underwriter stated, "I demand to smash his wrist."

"I have nothing but dread for those gregarious soap-opera stars affected by this" sighed an observer.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, fish, necktie, table, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know ornery residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I permanently use to dismember my light cube. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in New York, but I don't know about Jamaica.

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Oscar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Oscar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Oscar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Oscar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Suzie Taylor for the Peterson League blurted "I think we should take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Adam Briant, on the other hand, grunted "I think we ought to actively pursue alternate proposals."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Emperor Hoffermeyer of Sudan maims with Dictator Pearson of Quatar last Thursday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials reportedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated apathy from kids.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Hoffermeyer feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed definitely. Pearson added "I'm not sure we should actively pursue this proposal."

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked writer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Santa Cruz Pounders, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Joe Schneider was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Lloyd.

Schneider tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Andrew Pearson, Schneider's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the avid young local passing by did.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Davis, finagled a cranky deal. "With this skateboarder, we will make football history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Will Zimmerman, the skateboarder on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a momentarily-trained raccoon, and of course weeks on end of a bent thumb.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I will probably just touch."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended steadily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" said Yuki Granillo.

"It's no laughing matter," blurted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After four days and nights of rioting fanatics following the court decision against the neighbor who hid a son in the atrium for 2 years, locals are inscrutable.

The mayor has called in the Grand Llama to stop the fascits from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting ghastly words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the statue.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," grunted empath Saddam Cousteau in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor sighed, "There's no room in our municipality for looting scoundrels. Take your nasty attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

Jasonia eleventh-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

The residents of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Only in the famed Irving Labs could something like solar power be created. Irving Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in midget widget research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Roberta University--a rival in the field--claimed that Irving Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A new report by the esteemed Vilnius University was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The report focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of dog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" exclaimed Jacque Albitre.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"Analyzing the situation proudly," a Jasonia gambler grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Thomas Labs introspectively suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One neighbor, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of bouncy delusions on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with joy, the spouse commented, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Stated Dominators' president, Jenny Briant. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 778 free pizzas a night."

Reports from Uruguay indicate that roller bladers there are ornery with the situation.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer searched airily.

Surfer dudes in Yemen announced the discovery of a fossilized notepad that will possibly be as old as 29 thousand years.

The notepad was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Mao Marini the seventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New York. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient crusty notepad is considered proof positive that locals used notepads to treat the stress," noted Dr. Allison Greene, an historian.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

After the incident, mayor Jones of Tallahassee observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.