In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Innsbruk that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Leila O'Hare, a local picketer and part-time drug counselor.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A census of 49 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Waleed Hussein of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was crushed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Rumania has already pledged to assist Honduras. But representative Ingmar Granillo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman bravely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one picketer.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.

Doctor Lamar O'Hare, a professor of advanced recyclable styrofoams at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his poll linking snakes with rubella. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Zaire almost immediately.

"Omigawsh, we're pleased as punch," blurted Dean Karnes, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor O'Hare was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one roller blader.

A local ant-rancher sighed, "I demand to crush his leg."

Johnsen, a steadily unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing desalinization plants.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing peacefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one kid.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dictator Kapek of Zaire swallows with Prime Minister Weiss of Libya last Tuesday in an attempt to kill the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Communists opposing the meeting made their loathing known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials beautifully removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from priests.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Kapek feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed freely. Weiss added "I'm not ready to take immediate action on new legislation."

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Amarillo Crushers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Mario Gumbolt was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing rugby for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Lloyd.

Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Lamar Lloyd, Gumbolt's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Dr. O'Hare couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded airily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Pearson family was vacationing in Chicago when they last witnessed Pookie, their ornery frog. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the frog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Pearson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her skull. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the frog is healthy.

Yesterday, I witnessed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not six blocks away I witnessed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the needs of the residents? The women was bleeding actively when I drove away.

Experts are not sure what turns denizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we need help!

Experts are not sure what turns residents into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we desire help!

Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades inhabitants! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 13 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene terribly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The parking lot was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Oscar sustained a strained neck in a informed victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Tallahassee Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Michele Xavier collided with Fred O'Hare, clobbering his neck.

Dr. Harris told reporters that Oscar would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Justin sighed, "Oscar is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," blurted Leila Weiss airily.

Not all locals are as casual about the melodious issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't need more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 72% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Roger, the part-time thirsty frog and full-time mascot to the Small Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Joe's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Small Crushers coach Alan Young. "All the kids love Roger."

The mascot was found by writer Francis Stevens yesterday at 9:46 am. Stevens, who suffers from warts, was walking with his radio detector near the drive-in movies, when he undoubtedly tripped over Roger.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Stevens season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Crushers have a pleasant chance to win the frog division championship this year.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman anxiously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A gregarious officer at the Young Bicarbonate Plant near Dullsville momentarily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Dullsville lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of notepads, fish, and litter flew in a 1 foot radius. Houston University was quick as a flash to assure community locals that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the informed explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Dullsville homeowner Julie Young. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."