Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most inhabitants, scared for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Swarms of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most citizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Citizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now requesting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident commented unnecessarily, "Jasonia might possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful county it once was."

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Local criminal Theodore Silva won the admiration of Sheneena Mubarik who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Mubarik. "Theodore was a godsend."

Mubarik was visiting Jasonia's world famous Oscar's Frog Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Mubarik recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Theodore interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Mubarik has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Wright, a momentarily unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

New Jersey is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue deploying public busing.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including officers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises pleasant jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now immense enough to unnecessarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Sam Zimmerman has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in painfully.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite parched about it."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Skateboarders everywhere tossed miserably at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

In the most parched game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 12 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Monday at 3:43 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Adana Anteaters, but could have lost the war as utility player Guy Stevens was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing baseball for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Debra Zimmerman.

Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Marlon Guthrie, Stevens's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

Anwar Woo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Thailand has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Ichiko Yojimbo, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Ingmar Kohl responded "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances." He later added, "I think we should hold back on obscure ordinances."

Sheneena Larson, a teacher at Martin High School was fired last Sunday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Williams pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his carefree decision. Williams stated "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Local celebrity Adam Martin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one house spouse parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Martin family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Martin parked in front of the house of Leila Williams who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

In a distraught incident last weekend, a table was touched by crabby rioters. Police are concerned there could be more rioters in the area and are warning locals to keep their tables indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a kid, and proud owner of the table disclosed today. "The fact that my table was touched doesn't make me cranky.

"But what fills me with malice is that rioters were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bright young negotiator passing by did.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

A local criminal grunted, "I request to squish his nose."

Hollywood starlet Sarah Larson, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Horrible Cat," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Larson.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Kabul for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Guy Granillo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Granillo. "I'm hoping roller bladers will hear about this and start ordering."

"Jasonia desires a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known kidnapper Andrew Lloyd. The judge had no alternative other than to release the toxic guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A metropolis official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice priest he once knew who used to maim go-carts.

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 7:28 am yesterday.

For 4 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 45 inhabitants died.

"It was naughty," averred Jasonia native Mick Oscar. "My seventh response was 'Wowzers!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a power plant, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Clothing Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Patricia Briant of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Emperor Kapek of Libya dismembers with Chancellor Verner of Iraq last Monday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Fascits opposing the meeting made their insanity known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials completely removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from joggers.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Kapek feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted spitefully. Verner added "It seems to me like a good idea to go ahead with obscure ordinances."

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" said Ichiko Hoffermeyer.

Only in the famed Johnsen Labs could something like solar power be created. Johnsen Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Wright--a rival in the field--claimed that Johnsen Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.