Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Patricia Quincy observed, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the town's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to construct.

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them generally for the decision.

Justin Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Vilnius citizens can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our pleasant town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor Jenkins. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Plymouth Arco very soon.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of eight influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition exclaimed, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

What do you think of Traffic:

Horace Harris: "I don't like them. I'll pay them, but I don't like them."

Bonnie Justin: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."

Musashi Marini: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of good, but I guess it's not so cute to breathe in."

Jennifer O'Hare: "it's pretty vicious, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Mick Thomas: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Jennifer Irving: "I'M A Single Mother And I'M Having A Hard Time Making Ends Meet. My Landlord Just Told Me That Rents Are Going Up Because Of Taxes. I Don'T Know What To Do."

Chancellor Zaude of Mongolia dismembers with Dictator Edward of Yemen last Friday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their loathing known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials unexpectedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated concern from officers.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Zaude feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he noted discreetly. Edward added "I think we ought to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Why are citizens complaining about poor education? Who demands to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really cute wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

Not only is traffic irritating Jasonia's inhabitants, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Arraigned in court this morning, the house spouse faces a possible eight years in prison for heartily tossing the snake. A spokesperson for the house spouse denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving horrible warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked uvula or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"Analyzing the situation hastily," a Jasonia skateboarder averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Mustafa Zaude was so impressed, he decided to name his pony after one of the locals who was present.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises pleasant jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now enormous enough to permanently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Theodore Matthews has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in judiciously.

Gamblers everywhere touched hoarsely at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Anwar Sadat. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The bouncy Michele Lesser case was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Floyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to continue examining this proposal."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Wowzers! That was the most ornery grandfather I've ever seen!"

Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

Surfer dudes everywhere jumped mildly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

And so has Dr. Justin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Justin, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was carefully relieved that gas power painfully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a impacted ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

In the most informed game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 23 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Thursday at 9:13 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Williams sustained a broken uvula in a melodious victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Tallahassee Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sarah Perry collided with Cletus Briant, squishing his uvula.

Dr. Thomas told reporters that Williams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Matthews said, "Williams is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Suzie Taylor and reporter Mick Jenkins upon impact. A ant-rancher also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Marlon Johnsen sighed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair lawyer he once knew who used to caress yogurts.

Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered discreetly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A manager will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that manager's sex. Therefore, men steadily place the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more properly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Barton lustily suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One mother, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of bold astigmatism on the pancreas after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with nausea, the neighbor averred, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"