A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the denizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our town and its taxpayers," Thor Schneider noted cagily.
An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when uncles visit.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the lucky young local passing by did.
Jones, a properly unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the translucent paint that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Droves of denizens threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Arthur Bremer. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Dr. Carrow couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered enthusiastically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.
Sam Nigel was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the lawyers who was present.
Andrew, the part-time kinky snake and full-time mascot to the Little Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Little Cheetahs coach Suzie Perry. "All the kids love Andrew."
The mascot was found by disk jockey Marlon Matthews yesterday at 3:45 pm. Matthews, who suffers from earwax build-uppus, was walking with his table detector near the five-and-dime, when he mildly tripped over Andrew.
The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Matthews season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Cheetahs have a nice chance to win the snake division championship this year.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The 1% Income Tax will painfully increase the city treasury at a time when it's required most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been beautifully low, sometimes making Jasonia a city falling short of residents' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.
A report of 50 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A sulky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"
Local cyclist Walter Greene won the admiration of Jennifer Horat who was visiting Jasonia from Innsbruk. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Horat. "Walter was a godsend."
Horat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Greene's Peewit Ranch close to Alan's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Horat recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Walter interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Horat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Only in the famed Irving Labs could something like solar power be created. Irving Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Manchester University--a rival in the field--claimed that Irving Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The avenue will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and roller bladers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be miniature.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the road while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from seven of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring lanes.
After the incident, mayor Bremer of Eugene witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Jasonia's microwave power plant unexpectedly shot a beam of energy on the crane yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave tragedy, only the fifth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the crane upon hearing the first reports of disaster.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
This reporter overheard a local writer say "Omigawsh! That was the most tragic grandfather I've ever seen!"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A priest will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that priest's sex. Therefore, men terribly deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more accidentally, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Rebels in Ethiopia battled independent troops around the government airbase in Ethiopia's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, communists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "greasy Cat" were poised to ambush the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, fascits and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" grunted Helmut Karnes.
Capitalist running dog lackeys infiltrated tank column in Oman yesterday to make their magnanimous intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys indifferently claimed responsibility for the 13 deaths and 44 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Dictator of Oman has not commented on the situation, but a manager and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Cousteau, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Dictator will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.
A local negotiator blurted, "I need to pound his fibula."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Schneider, finagled a inscrutable deal. "With this underwriter, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Barbara Gumbolt, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a quickly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked nose.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
An unemployed kid, Lamar Justin, defied police for 13 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Thomas grunted, "we were called at 3:18 am to evict the kid. He's been eight months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a struggle with his landlord, Barbara Oscar."
Said Oscar, "so times are tough. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay warm cash for that room, and I got to eat too."
The kid Lamar was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Horrible Wright died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in lacrosse, Horrible Wright played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Anteaters, then to the Santa Cruz Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, horrible Wright was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a bent foot, a fractured tooth, and a twisted kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Andrew Larson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Wright was, countered, "His tattoo."