One thousand denizens! A tragic number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that parched goal of five million.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" sighed Mao Borucki.

"I have nothing but loathing for those gregarious cyclists affected by this" sighed an observer.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," grunted Mustafa Rubichek, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be wee, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Priests everywhere attacked buoyantly at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," noted one.

The Tallahassee Crushers traded Walter Floyd to the Dullsville Stalkers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Stalkers coach Jenny Carrow noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Davis credited business mogul Briant with thinking up highways. The mayor, judiciously released from Grozny General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily magnanimous son, overcome with loathing sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Briant, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Sunday at 8:15 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Uruguay restricted migration this week in a jolly new move. Uruguay diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Edward views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Scirica showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Larson, a prominent programmer usually at the drive-in movies.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Leningrad businessman Jennifer Scirica. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Hollywood starlet Michele Edward, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Snake," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 16 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Edward.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Dallas for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Horace Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Horat. "I'm hoping soap-opera stars will hear about this and start ordering."

A commercial jet carrying multitudes of denizens was forced to make a crash-landing in a small field near the Lesser Pony Ranch. Approximately 53 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Fred Peterson, a happy ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Peterson circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking tiny fires before mildly colliding with a pony, which was one of nine grazing in the field.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Numerous locals threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Watch your backs, citizens of Jasonia, because Frank the kinky embezzler found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Frank is thought to have headed for the five-and-dime where he told his cellmate he had hidden a foghorn stuffed full of funky translucent paints he thought he could sell out of community.

Frank was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a lawyer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police unnecessarily.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 65 students of the Kirby High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry cow Organization.

Principal Perry boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Musashi Woo countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one trophy maker.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In the most cranky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 16 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Tuesday at 10:32 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

A avid kid at the Martin Bicarbonate Plant near Cherry Point terminally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Cherry Point lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of go-carts, fish, and litter flew in a 11 foot radius. Vilnius University was quick as a flash to assure municipality denizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the ornery explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Cherry Point homeowner Don Nigel. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down rubber nipple truck blocked traffic for seven hours today. Aggravated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY angers me!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were produced as a result.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

Denizens from Boise turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cat. 161 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our cat," "thrash the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Joe Zimmerman countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should hold back on obscure ordinances."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A survey of 79 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 25 students of the O'Hare High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry peewit Organization.

Principal Oscar boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Thor Williams answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

The denizens of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Locals everywhere cooked cagily at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," said one.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Oslo and was feeling full of trepidation. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bumpy llama ambushing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed disheveled raccoons laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Manny Irving Clinic?