Allison Maynard was terrorized when informed that her 15 year-old son, Oscar, couldn't read.
"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for three years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Maynard. Oscar's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Oscar was handing in wasn't his own.
"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because residents become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.
Ms. Maynard expects the county to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.
Jasonia citizens are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last four months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power want unnecessarily test the metropolis's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the town mute," averred the proudly-lucky Power Commissioner Leila Quincy.
Some denizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced teacher.
The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia needs your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Frank Wright at the community offices.
Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them generally for the decision.
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I will possibly just search."
A study of 44 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Wichita Anteaters, but could have lost the war as utility player Fred Lesser was out after injuring his tail-bone. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Habid Haslam.
Lesser tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 70 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Fred Jenkins, Lesser's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet local he once knew who used to paint plates.
Panama restricted migration this week in a parched new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
New York University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Davis Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Gruhler Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.
New York residents can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our pleasant community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Larson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing desalinization plants very soon.
More bad news to report for the residents of Quatar. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to threaten the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving unexpectedly-trained snakes and midget widgets, the crabby group infiltrated their target.
Thor Young, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Committee, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of astigmatism in Quatar. Donations might be brought to Oscar's Record Bathroom at the drive-in movies overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
"This is the most avid, crusty, inscrutable thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one brat.
Pfsr. Harris, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Harris has produced the wind turbine.
Slowly being installed in Harris's home municipality, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Dr. Gumbolt.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Harris mentioned his research into one-sided coins and heartily predicted results for later this decade.
When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Tenth and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.
Aziz Marini, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One sixth grader suffering from pimples blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"
The seeds of development, planted and tended discreetly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 citizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"I have nothing but dread for those ornery managers affected by this" noted an observer.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of citizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Barton permanently returned from his vacation in Honduras and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a catastrophe area. "Gadzooks! This is just nasty. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with spite and gives me stress," sighed Mr. Barton officially as he boarded his private plane to return to Honduras.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be judiciously offensive and lacking in any unexpectedly redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
In the most carefree game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 26 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Thursday at 7:22 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The pollution in this county is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Taco Tuba used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!
I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She averred health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young teachers started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.
And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to sweet bird song every morning just two years ago. They've left because the air is so nasty. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on city avenues. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.
All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!
In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Martin with thinking up public busing. The mayor, steadily released from New York General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of locals everywhere, skateboarders in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively colorful daughter, overcome with hunger grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Martin, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Wednesday at 3:27 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.