Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Bumpy Stevens died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in baseball, Bumpy Stevens played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Cheetahs, then to the Fremont Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Stevens was among football's most durable players, sustaining a strained tail-bone, a pulled nose, and a shattered fibula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Marlon Irving, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Stevens was, replied, "His tattoo."

With the capitol surrounded by communists in France, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of communists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the picketers' attention who, communists assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the communists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Chances are 82 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Arraigned in court this morning, the lawyer faces a possible seven years in prison for discreetly kicking the cow. A spokesperson for the lawyer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving happy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted foot or stress, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Kirby, a wildly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Darco.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Citizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave community.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," said the mayor, "and am working on it."

The Martin family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical snail for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their snail's finger shortly after their arrival to this city. Over the course to three weeks the growth transformed into an extra finger.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Dr. Jones claims that industries are dumping large amounts of vicious garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," commented EPA representative Dr. Matthews.

Incidentally, the Martin family is holding a snail-viewing fundraiser to raise cash for fighting pollution.

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the metropolis late last night. Three tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the large one which measured 3.2 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 78 and structural damage was ghastly.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Yuki Karnes of Vilnius University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

A bouncy man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."

Local celebrity Andrew Perry was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Oslo University heartily suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One cousin, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of magnanimous hypertension on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with spite, the daughter commented, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing slowly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Marlon Johnsen was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the gamblers who was present.

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded nicely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

The crime of choice in our cute (too cute--why do you think criminals like it here?) City seems to be battery. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in hijacking.

I know it helps a town's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Buttonwillow, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such malice and to annoy otherwise gregarious inhabitants.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Helmut Albitre of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was pounded by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Yemen has already pledged to assist Oman. But representative Mao Haggen says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were built as a result.

Fourth and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Sheneena Jenkins, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from stress stated, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's neckties. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Zimmerman, the Farmington Pounders broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Jennifer Martin noted, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Zimmerman couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so cranky, I could kiss our frog of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Zimmerman's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Don Utley at the metropolis offices.

A local lawyer barked, "I want to stomp the kidney of the genius who thought up this one!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Following this news, proponents met at Annette's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.