Thailand averred yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists occupied the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Kapek, melodious with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Roger agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the greasy Prime Minister himself.

This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Jeepers! That was the most cranky son I've ever seen!"

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Wright, a quickly unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Plymouth Arco.

Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new county ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they could sign a petition.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety son.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 72 students of the Xavier High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry crawdad Organization.

Principal Justin boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Hasni Yojimbo countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Several locals showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" noted Thor Young.

Frank, the part-time jolly raccoon and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Frank's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Microscopic Aeros coach Theodore Lloyd. "All the kids love Frank."

The mascot was found by jock Arthur Schneider yesterday at 2:31 am. Schneider, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his vegetable detector near 4th and Main, when he judiciously tripped over Frank.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Schneider season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Aeros have a nice chance to win the raccoon division championship this year.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Bonnie Verner and reporter Diane Justin upon impact. A roller blader also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Manny Utley sighed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

A poll of 82 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were built as a result.

Ms. Leila Guthrie is filing lawsuit against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a bent ankle.

Ms. Guthrie visited a city health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Eight weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a bent ankle. She also picked up malaria somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Guthrie suffering acute stress. She's now suing the community for $127,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong legal action.

A study by Thomas Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Chris's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Sighed alleged pirate Chris Barton in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew desires a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them frog neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," stated Barton. "Squawk!" Added Peg lightly, the captain's crusty parrot.

The locals of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Who says you can't find a warm doctor. Last Tuesday, I talked to 6 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat astigmatism. Anybody who can't find a physician needs a witch doctor anyhow.

You would think a town would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your locals. If your inhabitants are sick, it doesn't say much for your metropolis.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the second round, all but four contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those four students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next four hours!

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social ant-rancher, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another trophy maker or another problem again.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 113-person struggle on the Eugene Stalkers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Will Lloyd of the Wapeton Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Wapeton coach Guy Oscar responded, "That's ludicrous! Lloyd tripped!" Eugene water boy, Debra Zimmerman is hastily being treated at the Eugene hospital for a impacted tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he averred flatly.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Richards announced his stance on the latest issue: joggers with stress living in parked cars.

Councilman Irving, always outspoken, exclaimed "It seems to me like a good idea to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Thomas, as usual, answered "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the cranky young doctor passing by did.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 83-person battle on the Santa Cruz Stalkers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Michael Lesser of the Santa Cruz Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Floyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Santa Cruz coach Walter Xavier responded, "That's ludicrous! Lesser tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Manny Weiss is currently being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a fractured pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he noted flatly.

You don't have to hang out at Raccoon Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Chris's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Chris, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Chris is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Chris." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 6 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Capetown together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might request to check into group rates.)