The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a steadily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Blurted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I could probably just caress."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were perfected as a result.

Lloyd sustained a fractured jaw in a thirsty victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Sacramento Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Ingmar Woo collided with Francis Maynard, stomping his jaw.

Dr. Edward told reporters that Lloyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Bremer averred, "Lloyd is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Talks between Denmark and Brazil took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Denmark the north-most tip of Brazil.

Spokesperson Nicolas Pearson says "It seems to me like a nice idea to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Kenya with momentarily stalling negotiations. Brazil representatives deny everything bad stated about them.

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

A local surfer dude exclaimed, "I request to stomp his back."

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its citizens in the dark. Local house spouses are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Commented one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their strained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee exclaimed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" noted Jennifer Verner.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who observed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to VORTEX: return the marble before it is too late.

Troops threatened airbase in Denmark yesterday to make their avid intentions clear. The troops airily claimed responsibility for the 4 deaths and 16 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Denmark has not commented on the situation, but a lawyer and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Karnes, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Michael's Record Cupboards this weekend.

In a long-awaited announcement, Vilnius Mayor Thomas credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, currently released from Vilnius General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, criminals in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A discreetly horrible spouse, overcome with malice grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Sunday at 6:41 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Grozny University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Kabul found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Kabul citizens can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Kabul Mayor Perry. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing desalinization plants very soon.

In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Williams with thinking up subways. The mayor, currently released from Sydney General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of residents everywhere, store clerks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly astute spouse, overcome with insanity observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Williams, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Saturday at 9:14 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In the most parched game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Wednesday at 6:45 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Hollywood starlet Sarah Bremer, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Piranha," has been going into Clothing Hut every day for the past 8 days. "It's the only place I can get ultra-light beers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Bremer.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Chicago for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Clothing Hut owner Michael Kohl offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my ultra-light beers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Kohl. "I'm hoping house spouses will hear about this and start ordering."

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Gumbolt at the Young Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," said Gumbolt,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded unknowingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

My father's electric spoon factory was fined $90 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality electric spoons for inhabitants everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

When some inhabitants think the chances are good that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they desire to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

"What's the difference between Bremen and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Guy Harris of Bremen in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though peacefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."