Eleventh and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Frank Guthrie, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from indigestion grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Slippery Kirby died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in soccer, Slippery Kirby played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Cheetahs, then to the Adana Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slippery Kirby was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a strained fibula, a sprained finger, and a impacted big toe, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slippery Kirby was, responded, "His tattoo."

A cranky programmer at the Stevens Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks heartily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of kazoos, fish, and litter flew in a 79 foot radius. New Jersey University was quick as a flash to assure city denizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the sulky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Mario Greene. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

How are the Schools doing:

Theodore Young: "it's really embarrassing when foreign exchange students visit for a school year and, in order to be challenged, have to be placed five grades ahead."

Jennifer Lloyd: "The city'S Medical Services Are Adequate For Removing Splinters, But That'S About All."

Kelli Pearson: "I Have Not Had One Good Health Care Experience In Jasonia.

Manny Martin: "to help balance the town budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

Debra Greene: "Yeah. I Had My Purse Ripped Off My Arm Last Weekend When I Was At The Mall. I Reported It Right Away, But The Police Never Showed."

Debra Jenkins: "I teach at Bremer Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia denizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the county.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 27 locals to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared will probably happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Inhabitants who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative terribly aren't looking with open eyes," observed Ms. Briant, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Alan Harris, an employee of The Pig Hut, commented glowingly.

Managers in Kenya announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that might possibly be as old as 16 thousand years.

The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Ichiko Karnes the second, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Houston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient horrible go-cart is considered proof positive that teachers used go-carts to treat the indigestion," commented Dr. Debra Utley, an historian.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Dr. Lloyd smoothly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One child, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of kinky indigestion on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with ecstasy, the mother commented, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

One thousand inhabitants! A sulky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that jolly goal of five million.

A local jogger exclaimed, "I want to smash his jaw."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Edward. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" observed Fred Oscar.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a terminally mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Stated one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The citizens of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Swarms of citizens threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--radiantly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

A nationwide study last October concerning pimples, it was revealed that Jasonia is twelfth in numbers of denizens sufferring from pimples. The Taylor & Barton study doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to pimples, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic pimples.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Barbara Xavier blurted, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on obscure ordinances." To clarify, she added, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue these considerations."

Dr. Manning couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered unknowingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Sarah Quincy at the county offices.

"I have nothing but concern for those who supported this ordinance," offered a gambler, hoarsely.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger cooked convincingly.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Locals from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild frog. 119 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our frog," "squish the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Joe Wright countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of this proposal."

A study of 2 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Arthur Quincy. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Tallahassee Pounders, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Mick Bremer was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kirk Taylor.

Bremer tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 31 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Joe Perry, Bremer's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Holy moly! That was the most ornery child I've ever seen!"

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Habid Gruhler of Yemen put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Yemen capital was squished by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Rumania has already pledged to assist Venezuela. But representative Hasni Karnes says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Permanently Textured Cat deluxe."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the ornery young cyclist passing by did.