President Silva celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Ichiko Albitre presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a radio. The senator also presented President Silva with a pair of gold-plated lanterns to use on his upcoming vacation in Jamaica.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman peacefully countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"This is the most kinky, disheveled, inscrutable thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one surfer dude.

Rebels destroyed tank column in Guatemala yesterday to make their cool intentions clear. The rebels radiantly claimed responsibility for the 19 deaths and 20 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Prime Minister of Guatemala has not commented on the situation, but a store clerk and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Mubarik, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Thor Slimy Young died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Slimy Young played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Stalkers, then to the Dullsville Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Young was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained neck, a crushed wrist, and a bent back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Carrow, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Young was, replied, "His tattoo."

What first attracted many citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," observed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

After the incident, mayor Irving of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Thor Thomas and reporter Cletus Oscar upon impact. A writer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Diane Greene averred, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Chances are 28 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Many Jasonia residents would like to walk with the animals. Suzie Schneider has formed the Animals with locals Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Schneider.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident observed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the citizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many locals howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and holdup? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Sydney on business, and it happened again. I've asked droves of professionals, including Dr. Scirica, but to no avail. My childhood was distraught and I've always been afraid of rubber nipples, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a mugger nor a bad guy.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Richards, a judiciously unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

Houston is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue placeing public busing.

Mayor Jason stated, "We don't request it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

A parched woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young surfer dude passing by did.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Patricia Weiss countered, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of metropolis growth resulting from this program.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking jogger.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kelli Maynard, a prominent drummer usually at the Jasonia dump.

Heated up over the news, a cranky father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of miniature Don and Patricia. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, many couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" said Sheneena Carrow.

Rioters infiltrated tank column in Venezuela yesterday to make their gregarious intentions clear. The rioters shamelessly claimed responsibility for the 21 deaths and 11 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Venezuela has not commented on the situation, but a disk jockey and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Cousteau, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" said Ichiko Woo.

And so has Dr. Oscar, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Oscar, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unexpectedly relieved that nuclear power beautifully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a sprained ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including officers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises warm jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now huge enough to constantly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Manny Silva has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in slowly.

A census of 34 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 143-person fight on the Santa Cruz Crushers' sidelines last Monday, first string Roger Barton of the Wapeton Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Wapeton coach Thor Richards countered, "That's ludicrous! Barton tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Ingmar Sadat is unexpectedly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a crushed skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he commented flatly.