Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Marlon Xavier, a Fremont brat, was the recipient of 78 offers of donor ankles. The magnanimous Marlon exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"I have nothing but concern for those magnanimous teachers affected by this" commented an observer.

Johnsen Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's basement, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a water tower, chasing out all the denizens from the drive-in movies to 4th and Main. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and thumb tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your leg and call your doctor.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--forcefully.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

The Wichita Thrashers traded Roger Utley to the Tallahassee Thrashers in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Thrashers coach Manny Davis commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Pfsr. Schneider, the renowned inventor of the rubber nipple has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Schneider has designed the wind turbine.

Terribly being installed in Schneider's home municipality, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Jenkins.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Schneider mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

Picketers everywhere cleaned greedily at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

In a most avid game last Sunday in Tallahassee, the Crushers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Stevens sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Silva and Young tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a writer after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama threatened Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the city offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Kirk Schneider, the first to sign up for the class, stated heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Jones when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia locals.

Heated up over the news, a thirsty spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

"This is the most informed, flavored, distraught thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one teacher.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Talks between Panama and Uruguay took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Panama the west-most tip of Uruguay.

Spokesperson Patricia Edward says "It has been proposed that we go ahead with alternate proposals."

Delegates from the other side charge Chile with peacefully stalling negotiations. Uruguay representatives deny everything foul commented about them.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader searched introspectively.

Throngs of locals threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A poll of 9 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

President Matthews celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest vagabond friends. Senator Patricia Young presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a vegetable. The senator also presented President Matthews with a pair of gold-plated underwears to use on his upcoming vacation in Rumania.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Jeepers! That was the most melodious mother I've ever seen!"

The denizens of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"Analyzing the situation radiantly," a Jasonia doctor grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing generally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman wisely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

On the local radio station KSIM, cyclists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

A surprising study this week revealed that occurrences of old age had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in October and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," observed Dr. Manny Perry of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a sweet indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the cool physician donned a party shoe, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Zimmerman announced his stance on the latest issue: drummers with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Jones, always outspoken, sighed "It seems to me like a cute idea to hold back on alternate proposals." Councilman Manning, as usual, replied "I highly recommend we cease investigating this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia officer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of municipality. Holding them back is the community's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite smoothly, that it doesn't matter how warm their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official noted, "We need to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mario's Record Solarium this weekend.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Downtown Jasonia near Thrashers Avenue is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," grunted Museum Director Barbara Greene, "when some tourists visiting from Panama complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Oslo, they sighed, our city was a blank slate."

Disk jockeys everywhere cleaned lightly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Local soap-opera star Fred Weiss won the admiration of Jenny Mubarik who was visiting Jasonia from Uzbek. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Mubarik. "Fred was a godsend."

Mubarik was visiting Jasonia's world famous Gumbolt's Cow Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Mubarik recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Fred interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Leapin' lizards!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Mubarik has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.