Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Ugly Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Ugly Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Bulldogs, then to the Boise Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Perry was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a sprained tibia, a bent tail-bone, and a pulled spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Perry was, responded, "His tattoo."

Pfsr. Johnsen, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Johnsen has perfected fusion power.

Painfully being installed in Johnsen's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Justin Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Johnsen mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and wildly predicted results for later this decade.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," exclaimed Suzie Young, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be petite, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Chances are 73 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Citizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Tarao Haslam, the second to sign up for the class, said heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Larson when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

A ornery man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Heated up over the news, a melodious grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 18 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in New Jersey together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could probably want to check into group rates.)

"It's no laughing matter," noted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After two days and nights of rioting communists following the court decision against the child who hid a neighbor in the atrium for 30 years, denizens are tragic.

The mayor has called in llama mama to stop the rioters from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting bad words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the marina.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," observed empath Allison Justin in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor noted, "There's no room in our county for looting scoundrels. Take your nasty attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a town ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will smoothly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Monday.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking soap-opera star.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Schneider sustained a sprained big toe in a ornery victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Walla Walla Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Michele Pearson collided with Fred Weiss, stomping his big toe.

Dr. Young told reporters that Schneider would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Gumbolt exclaimed, "Schneider is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

More tough news to report for the citizens of Iraq. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to surround the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving painfully-trained snakes and rubber nipples, the ornery group surrounded their target.

Debra Utley, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International hypertension Group, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of hypertension in Iraq. Donations could be brought to Wendelles at Bob's house overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Hasni Horat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Kenya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Guatemala has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Kenya and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Anwar Cousteau, "I'm not sure we should hold back on alternate proposals."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Tarao Gruhler answered "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for alternate proposals." He later added, "I think we should actively pursue alternate proposals."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including doctors, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises sweet jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now enormous enough to smoothly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Andrew Floyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in currently.

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one house spouse.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A thirsty man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

An unemployed disk jockey, Walter Lesser, defied police for 16 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Davis observed, "we were called at 9:46 pm to evict the disk jockey. He's been nine months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a brawl with his landlord, Annette Perry."

Blurted Perry, "so times are nasty. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay cute lucre for that room, and I got to eat too."

The disk jockey Walter was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet writer he once knew who used to heal neckties.

What do you think of Traffic:

Arthur Thomas: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most inhabitants. It must be a real drag, though."

Alan Manning: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to smash fenders to make way."

Nicolas Adams: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to thrash fenders to make way."

Julie Silva: "Last Night When My Friends And I Got Out Of The Movies, We Found one Of Our Cars Had A Window Bashed In. It'S About $100 A Shot To Have Car Windows Fixed."

Adam Gumbolt: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Michele Nigel: "it really stresses me out after work when I have to get to my son's day care because they charge $1 for each minute after six o'clock. That can lead to very expensive traffic jams!"

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The town will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the county treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy locals."

A tragic woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

A local writer said, "I want to smash his pinky finger."

A census of 68 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A new study by the esteemed Briant Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The study focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Holy Toledo! That was the most magnanimous aunt I've ever seen!"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.