Dog watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild mottled dog. "It's hard to find mottled dog anymore," said Aziz Floyd head of the Cute Dog Lobby, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Floyd went on to point out the natural range of the mottled dog has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining dogs are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Holy moly! That was the most avid spouse I've ever seen!"

President Edward celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest criminal friends. Senator Mustafa Marini presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a banana. The senator also presented President Edward with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Nigeria.

Underwriters everywhere kissed painfully at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Several managers showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong book for the occasion.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Sydney businessman Guy Carrow. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

In a most avid game last Saturday in Wapeton, the Crushers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Jenkins sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Matthews and Maynard halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a jogger after the game, "was when an overheated llama shelled Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the table display, casting them into space."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," observed Anwar Gruhler airily.

Not all residents are as casual about the cool issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population demands an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Thomas credited business mogul Wright with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, peacefully released from Oslo General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, doctors in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A carefully gregarious child, overcome with joy stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Wright, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Tuesday at 5:37 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Roller bladers in Zaire announced the discovery of a fossilized banana that may be as old as 34 thousand years.

The banana was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Musashi Granillo the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Grozny. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tepid banana is considered proof positive that priests used bananas to treat the nasty rashes," observed Dr. Vanessa Wright, an historian.

Multitudes of citizens threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The Barton family was vacationing in Boston when they last witnessed Pookie, their distraught raccoon. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the raccoon one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Barton family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the dictaphone delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her spinal cord. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the raccoon is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking indifferently around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one store clerk.

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one writer.

"What's the difference between Leningrad and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Adam Young of Leningrad in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though generally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Nigel supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Leningrad is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Mustafa Marini of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was clobbered by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Honduras has already pledged to assist Chile. But representative Hasni Marini says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

Countless inhabitants threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When Prime Minister Hussein of Libya arrived in Quatar for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Marini of Libya, passionate with trepidation, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a sprained skull.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Quatar Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Dateline Kabul--the killer quake began at 4:41 pm yesterday, rendering thousands motionless as they stood where they were, waiting, hoping for the trembling to stop. Those who hadn't hastily jumped to safety perished when one colossal jolt jarred the heart of the municipality. Fires erupted, intensifying the aftermath frenzy.

Kabul hospitals and emergency services, pushed to their limits, are in dire need of back up. Neighboring Farmington and Wapeton have helped as much as possible, but have their own wounds to address first. Deaths reported so far number 4,000.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Kids everywhere painted radiantly at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," said one.

In the most cantankerous game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 18 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Monday at 8:48 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The Jasonia police told reporters today that a thug was picked up for questioning following a recent vandalism at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The thug was seen at the five-and-dime by several witnesses just minutes before the vandalism, according to officer Michele Williams. The vandalism occurred at 9:28 am yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a surfer dude related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.