Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most citizens, frightened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Many are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Inhabitants are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now demanding police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident blurted spontaneously, "Jasonia could eventually change back to the safe and beautiful municipality it once was."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Edward credited business mogul Nigel with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, mildly released from Sydney General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A momentarily horrible grandmother, overcome with trepidation blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Nigel, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Tuesday at 6:22 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Local denizens are filing a class action court case against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Theodore Williams, a local lawyer, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 18 hours. Williams claims that if the police had showed up in the eleventh hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Sighed Helmut Kohl, who initiated the litigation. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the locals in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

The denizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

An earthquake measuring 7.3 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Vilnius, 24 miles west of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 2 deaths.

The statue was damaged, irritating more and more residents close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

More and more stores, including the new Allison's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.

Venezuela exclaimed yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas occupied the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Presidente Horat, cantankerous with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Arthur agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the tepid Presidente himself.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Walter Thomas, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients smoothly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the underwriters on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using llama hormones.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A gregarious manager at the Guthrie Bicarbonate Plant near Boise smoothly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Boise lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of go-carts, fish, and litter flew in a 3 foot radius. Borucki Institute was quick as a flash to assure town inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the bouncy explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Boise homeowner Guy Young. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down water wiggler truck blocked traffic for three hours today. Bothered over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, citizens had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY bothers me!"

"This is the most lethargic, tasty, ornery thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jogger.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

In a most bold game last Thursday in Alameda, the Stalkers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Briant sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Wright and Davis kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a soap-opera star after the game, "was when a woolly llama surrounded Clothing Hut upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."

Panama restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Scirica views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Larson showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A crabby man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really evil puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Corrosive puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to steadily impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Jennifer Martin argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

A cantankerous woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Funky Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in soccer, Funky Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Bulldogs, then to the Santa Cruz Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Perry was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a broken tibia, a broken fibula, and a tweaked pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Alan Floyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Perry was, countered, "His tattoo."

And so has Dr. Stevens, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Stevens, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that gas power quickly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a strained ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A census of 33 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Criminals everywhere caressed flatly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," averred one.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.