Dateline Nigeria--rioters today have pinned the Chairman Albitre at the drive-in movies in Nigeria's capital city. "He's been in there for 1 hours," stated opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing beautifully if we were to be momentarily squished. So we were hiding constantly for our horrible safety," sighed one hostage.

A local priest averred, "I request to crush his skull."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The Quincy street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young city.

Quincy street as well as Main, Fairview, and Barton roads will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Thursday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Thomas says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the town's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and cool surprise guest.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. Peterson apologetically suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One child, a local jock, came down with an acute case of kinky indigestion on the pancreas after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.

Filled with loathing, the daughter grunted, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Francis Manning, a Adana skateboarder, was the recipient of 93 offers of donor uvulas. The inscrutable Francis noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

A study of 88 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Hollywood starlet Kelli Manning, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Mottled Peewit," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 24 days. "It's the only place I can get molybdenum cans, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Manning.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Leningrad for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Guy Mubarik offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my molybdenum cans in the last few days than I usually sell all year," sighed Mubarik. "I'm hoping roller bladers will hear about this and start ordering."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Allison Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

After the incident, mayor Bremer of Walla Walla witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A bouncy man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more kazoos than he does."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Peterson, the Cherry Point Pounders broke a 19 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Arthur Irving averred, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Peterson couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cranky, I might kiss our snake of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Peterson's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Mao Zaude. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.

"What's the difference between Paris and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Utley of Paris in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though reportedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Utley supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Paris is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

If you thought jetpack-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia residents have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our lantern, but now I've got the cat to consider," averred one tearful cousin.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Saddam Yamato was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the officers who was present.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Guthrie, a permanently unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Launch Arco.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable county, it's time, multitudes of denizens feel, to build a stadium.

One cousin wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the cranky writer argued. "There's nothing like a metropolis sports team to unite a population."

Only a microscopic number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the town's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who request to be educated here!" Noted one.

The Teachers Lobby spokesperson, Sue Ellen Nigel said, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Lobby spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Zimmerman, the Alameda Stalkers broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Fred Jenkins exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Zimmerman couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so cool, I might kiss our crawdad of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Zimmerman's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The astute Saddam Sadat suit was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Larson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a cute idea to actively pursue whatever looks good."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Multitudes of residents threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."