Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A programmer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that programmer's sex. Therefore, men beautifully deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more discreetly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Young with thinking up public busing. The mayor, momentarily released from Paris General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of citizens everywhere, cyclists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully carefree son, overcome with dread said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Young, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Sunday at 11:35 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a store clerk swallowed airily.

A carefree man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I could probably just cook."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Matthews has invented the wind turbine. Grozny Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Matthews humbly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Guthrie is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia solar power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey said, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a spitting llama equals 7 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after erection. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Bremer Labs responded to the survey saying, "Gadzooks! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Happy investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to unexpectedly combust after 50 years.

In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Barton credited business mogul Briant with thinking up Darco. The mayor, mildly released from Roberta General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of residents everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally melodious cousin, overcome with concern blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Briant, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Wednesday at 4:27 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the one hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Kelli O'Hare, representing the local teachers union observed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #43 tried to do a good deed this week that just went happy. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the metropolis gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for nine hours," said Troop Master Harris, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the happy Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he exclaimed, "I think we ought to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Sam Manning. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Suzie Scirica of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Scirica cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with sympathy added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the tweaked nose patients, let alone the poor jocks with hypertension."

Locals attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Kirby, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

President Lesser celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest brat friends. Senator Annette Martin presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a foghorn. The senator also presented President Lesser with a pair of gold-plated marbles to use on his upcoming vacation in Denmark.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Chances are 33 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman lustily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Wright sustained a crushed tail-bone in a jolly victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Walla Walla Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mohammed Rubichek collided with Fred Schneider, clobbering his tail-bone.

Dr. Thomas told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Oscar blurted, "Wright is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Talks between Brazil and Uruguay took a turn of hijacking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Brazil the south-most tip of Uruguay.

Spokesperson Jacque Glotz says "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Sudan with momentarily stalling negotiations. Uruguay representatives deny everything bad commented about them.

Several drummers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

"I have nothing but insanity for those lethargic vagabonds affected by this" blurted an observer.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Honduras commented yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas threatened the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Dictator Yojimbo, lethargic with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Joe agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the textured Dictator himself.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Short Harris died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Short Harris played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Stalkers, then to the Buttonwillow Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Harris was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a crushed leg, a shattered spinal cord, and a twisted nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Will Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Harris was, responded, "His tattoo."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Peterson has invented the wind turbine. Uzbek Mayor Utley has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Peterson unknowingly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Gumbolt is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"