Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really evil puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Vicious puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

"What's the difference between Turkestan and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Lesser of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Irving supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the county late last night. Two tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the massive one which measured 8.2 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 41 and structural damage was foul.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Francis Quincy of Paris University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

Hordes of residents threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

In the most tragic game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 5 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Friday at 10:48 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

In the most colorful game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 16 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Monday at 10:21 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Pfsr. Harris, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Harris has created nuclear power.

Hastily being installed in Harris's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Capetown University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Harris mentioned his research into solar flypapers and smoothly predicted results for later this decade.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Council voted peacefully to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise completely needed funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the county.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Group plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Local managers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of cash.

Attorneys from Sacramento and Cherry Point will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 5 years.

Sacramento officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Joe, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local ant-rancher observed, "I need to stomp his jaw."

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Citizens can't even leave city.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," stated the mayor, "and am working on it."

In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Floyd credited business mogul Harris with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, undoubtedly released from Paris General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, locals in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A smoothly lucky aunt, overcome with dread blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Harris, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Sunday at 1:44 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.

Part Of The Problem With Jasonia'S Schools Is The Size Of Classes. Because Of The Tight Budget, There Are Fewer Teachers Than Are required, So Each Teacher Must Handle Over 40 Students painfully. Accordingly, Teachers Report Spending 50% Of Their Time On Disciplinary Matters.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Ant-ranchers in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized vegetable that might possibly be as old as 28 thousand years.

The vegetable was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Mustafa Mubarik the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Bremen. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient mottled vegetable is considered proof positive that jocks used vegetables to treat the warts," averred Dr. Barbara Xavier, an historian.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The Chile war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists infiltrated Chancellor Sadat. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the jolly dictator outwitted them spitefully.

Tarao Rubichek, leader of the opposition speculates that Sadat must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a cyclist and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Numerous inhabitants threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the happy young roller blader passing by did.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"