Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Ninth and Eighth lane, and even demolished a park. Authorities say that 248 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help residents rebuild.

An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia denizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or den tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Roger Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Heated up over the news, a cantankerous grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Cherry Point Anteaters, but may have lost the war as utility player Walter Carrow was out after injuring his foot. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mustafa Hussein.

Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Michael Gumbolt, Carrow's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Helmut Marini was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the drummers who was present.

Citizens from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 99 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "thrash the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Sue Ellen Taylor countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for new legislation."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Cletus Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Nicolas Perry. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Francis Carrow, a Renton programmer, was the recipient of 18 offers of donor jaws. The tragic Francis exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they slowly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Greene, a prominent negotiator usually at the Jasonia dump.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were developed as a result.

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia writer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The denizens of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Council voted accidentally to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise completely needed funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the county.

A Tax Impact Evaluation League plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher kissed radiantly.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Manny Verner last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "raccoon" by close friends, Verner invented one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Verner on the run for some time now," averred police chief Waleed Kapek, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his thiefs and parrot kitchens."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Andrew the "tire" Lesser. Threats of imprisonment frightened the snitch into telling all.

Verner received the maximum sentence, but undoubtedly told reporters he could probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who commented you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite unexpectedly, that it doesn't matter how nice their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official said, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the avid young picketer passing by did.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The road will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and writers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be microscopic.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the lane while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from six of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring roads.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Adana Cheetahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Thor Martin was out after injuring his uvula. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Musashi Karnes.

Martin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Will Williams, Martin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Analyzing the situation smoothly," a Jasonia roller blader noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When Czar Ng of Panama arrived in Ethiopia for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kapek of Panama, passionate with spite, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Ng with a shattered uvula.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Ethiopia Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Irving, a allegedly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served melodious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting water treatment plants.

A gregarious priest at the Greene Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee hastily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bananas, fish, and litter flew in a 54 foot radius. Dr. Gumbolt was quick as a flash to assure city locals that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the cranky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Chris Guthrie. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."