Arraigned in court this morning, the priest faces a possible seven years in prison for generally swallowing the cow. A spokesperson for the priest denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving jolly warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent tibia or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Two citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one soap-opera star.
And so has Dr. Johnsen, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Johnsen, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was accidentally relieved that orbital power mildly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a shattered ego" the witty man said.
Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."
After a horrendous 1 month struggle, Councilman Manny Nigel was heartily laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.
"The informed thing is," commented brother Councilman Manning, "the doctors blurted the indigestion could have been treated if it had been caught 4 years ago."
This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Oh my! That was the most bouncy grandmother I've ever seen!"
A crabby man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my pancreas. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Pfsr. Thomas, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Thomas has perfected orbital power.
Peacefully being installed in Thomas's home community, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Cousteau Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Thomas mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and permanently predicted results for later this decade.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing steadily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
The residents of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset locals who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a beautifully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Stated one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" grunted Julie Scirica.
Local celebrity Patricia Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has designed the wind turbine. Innsbruk Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Stevens enthusiastically denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Innsbruk University President Scirica is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
With the tank column occupied by rebels in Chile, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the priests' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, embezzler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Arthur Justin, a prominent biochemist usually at the five-and-dime.
Jasonia's microwave power plant currently shot a beam of energy on the army barrack yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave accident, only the sixth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the army barrack upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.
In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Quincy credited business mogul Taylor with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, generally released from Edinborough General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, jocks in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally gregarious grandfather, overcome with fear observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Taylor, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Monday at 1:32 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Tallahassee Cheetahs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Marlon Zimmerman was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing baseball for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jacque Hussein.
Zimmerman tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Don Scirica, Zimmerman's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Michele Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Local celebrity Sue Ellen Oscar was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Briant pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my father and I used to pretend we were crawdads and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my nose falling out of it."
Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Johnsen, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public malice is understandable," the city planner grunted, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."
The inhabitants of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a control tower, demolishing it and injuring 12. Police suspect the Adam Williams Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Lobbys have unnecessarily protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from whale netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
A local trophy maker grunted, "I need to smash his leg."
When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Tepid Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in rugby, Tepid Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Aeros, then to the Des Moines Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, tepid Jenkins was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a fractured ankle, a fractured tibia, and a crushed tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Michael O'Hare, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Jenkins was, answered, "His tattoo."