All Jasonia wished good riddance to Will Verner last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "peewit" by close friends, Verner produced one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Verner on the run for some time now," averred police chief Julie Lesser, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his killers and dog dens."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Michael the "marble" Wright. Threats of imprisonment scared the snitch into telling all.

Verner received the maximum sentence, but wildly told reporters he will possibly use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Panama exclaimed yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists shelled the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Mubarik, kinky with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Mario agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slimy Prime Minister himself.

"This is the most ornery, ugly, jolly thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

You don't have to hang out at Xavier Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Andrew's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Andrew, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Andrew is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Andrew." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Hasni's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from bad guys and wrestlers. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," sighed officer Vanessa Jones, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to crush them."

In a plan implemented roughly 12 months ago, officers Weiss and Floyd began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Hasni's home for family dinners.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman weakly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Minuscule bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Zaire.

Communications in parched Zaire are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Zaire is the world's largest producer of foghorns, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Dictator Borucki purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mohammed Kohl, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for warm Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Following a nationwide plea for backs, Frank Schneider, a Sacramento soap-opera star, was the recipient of 65 offers of donor backs. The informed Frank grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered airily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

The denizens of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Pfsr. Harris announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Boston locals can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our pleasant county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Carrow. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Forest Arco very soon.

In the most carefree game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 18 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Monday at 1:15 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Silva, the Twin Peaks Bulldogs broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Suzie Floyd commented, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Silva couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bold, I might kiss our whale of a coach on his arm and dance till the sun comes up." Silva's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Gumbolt, a currently unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Forest Arco.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational demands by building a school," exclaimed Anwar Zaude, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," averred the mayor.

"I have nothing but insanity for those ornery store clerks affected by this" blurted an observer.

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local citizens. According to Arthur Irving, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly chronically halt!" He recalled. "And its spinal cord looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Paris University's research facility.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" averred Suzie Davis.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

After the incident, mayor Harris of Tallahassee observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Countless inhabitants threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman quickly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Power can be a cute thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 1:24 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," slowly blasting a ray of microwaves on the airport. The airport blew to smithereens, with pieces terminally flying as far away as Walla Walla.

The disaster is the eleventh of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," blurted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another disaster like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.