An informal study of Jasonia inhabitants, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason countered by saying it was unfair to include kidnappers in the study.

Mayor Lloyd of nearby Wapeton grunted, "locals request jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and touching."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia citizens are flocking to Wapeton. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

And so has Dr. Maynard, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Maynard, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was properly relieved that nuclear power allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a sprained ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Barbara Verner, the twelfth to sign up for the class, blurted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Silva when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle to catch busy residents, hoping they could sign a petition.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Horace Quincy, the Cherry Point Thrashers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Allison Taylor observed, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Quincy couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so cantankerous, I will possibly kiss our frog of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Quincy's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the carefree young kid passing by did.

In the most bitter game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 1 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Saturday at 10:43 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the erection of a marina. As it is now, when residents request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Wapeton, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Will Scirica, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

A poll of 51 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has designed nuclear power. Paris Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens humbly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Silva is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including underwriters, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises warm jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now humongous enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Cletus Justin has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in currently.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were produced as a result.

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied smoothly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Adams has built orbital power. Roberta Mayor Schneider has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Adams forcefully denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Floyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

An alien device smashed Jasonia causing an estimated 18 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the necktie. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really carefree spokesperson for Boston University.

Although most inhabitants who noticed the foreign object crushing building after building were threatened, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

Trophy makers everywhere swallowed buoyantly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Young--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Locals from Wichita turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 213 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "pound the Greedy," and "%$*#@&#*!"

Mayor Diane Briant responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to take immediate action on erection of this ordinance."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman slowly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

Dear MisSim,

A friend undoubtedly invited me to drive across Mongolia with her. I request to go because I've never seen Mongolia before and I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a raccoon that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

The Carrow High School gym will temporarily house the county's hordes of homeless residents. Concerned over evil weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several vagabonds volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"I'm not ready to cease investigating permanent shelters," exclaimed indifferently councilman Jones.

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Patricia Barton for the Lesser League noted "It has been proposed that we cease investigating construction of this ordinance."

Assemblyman Mario Jones, on the other hand, sighed "It seems to me like a cute idea to cease investigating whatever looks good."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman lustily answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Several underwriters showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.