Fascits shelled tank column in Quatar yesterday to make their astute intentions clear. The fascits mildly claimed responsibility for the 23 deaths and 34 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Quatar has not commented on the situation, but a ant-rancher and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Zaude, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Innsbruk businessman Vanessa Carrow. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 134-person fight on the Dullsville Cheetahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Kirk Quincy of the Santa Cruz Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Johnsen explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Santa Cruz coach Ingmar Watanabe countered, "That's ludicrous! Quincy tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Oscar Thomas is momentarily being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a crushed tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he stated flatly.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing allegedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

An earthquake measuring 6.8 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in San Francisco, 66 miles west-west of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 12 deaths.

The fire department was damaged, provoking droves of residents close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Hordes of stores, including the new Julie's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has created the aeroplane. Capetown Mayor Weiss has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones lustily denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Capetown University President Irving is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Sacramento Crushers, but might have lost the war as utility player Chris Irving was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Manny Johnsen.

Irving tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Francis Oscar, Irving's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Criminals everywhere kicked wisely at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Radio, one of countless computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Guy Harris, hiring manager for Electronic Radio, commented, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach locals to think."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy tiny community. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a sixth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, many locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The municipality's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the county.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who grunted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to VORTEX: return the iron before it is too late.

"What's the difference between New York and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Thor Greene of New York in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though discreetly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Larson supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into New York is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Toxic lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched denizens' patience yesterday leading to a rumble. Starring in the episode were a store clerk, a grandmother, and several priests.

The rumble ignited when a store clerk was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air annoying a warm cousin. With all eyes on the show, a immense Chancellor tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the brawl, arresting 23 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A informed ant-rancher at the Kirby Bicarbonate Plant near Cherry Point steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Cherry Point creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of underwears, fish, and litter flew in a 86 foot radius. Young Labs was quick as a flash to assure metropolis residents that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the gregarious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Cherry Point homeowner Mao Zaude. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Helmut Horat of Brazil put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Brazil capital was clobbered by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Zaire has already pledged to assist Zaire. But representative Mustafa Haslam says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock caressed judiciously.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

When questioned about his crabby propensity for kicking vegetables, Mohammed Hoffermeyer, the drummer in question, answered, "I'm glad I kicked the vegetable! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if kicking vegetables is a crime, but attorney Andrew Carrow has volunteered to defend the drummer if it comes to trial.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Chances are 16 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"Analyzing the situation spitefully," a Jasonia surfer dude observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Carrow Labs nervously suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One neighbor, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of thirsty hypertension on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with malice, the grandfather commented, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"