Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's books. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

When questioned about his parched propensity for painting neckties, Hasni Rubichek, the drummer in question, answered, "I'm glad I painted the necktie! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his stairwell.

Police are still trying to decide if painting neckties is a crime, but attorney Sue Ellen Xavier has volunteered to defend the drummer if it comes to trial.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman airily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"This is the most happy, slippery, cantankerous thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one surfer dude.

Residents from Tallahassee turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 249 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "pound the Greedy," and "Omigawsh!"

Mayor Saddam Haslam replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we hold back on installation of this ordinance."

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 195-person fight on the Farmington Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Thor Irving of the Walla Walla Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Wright explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Walla Walla coach Fred Greene answered, "That's ludicrous! Irving tripped!" Farmington water boy, Diane Carrow is smoothly being treated at the Farmington hospital for a twisted eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he grunted flatly.

Capitalist running dog lackeys in Rumania battled independent loyalists around the government airbase in Rumania's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "transparent Cat" were poised to destroy the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, mercenaries and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Barbara Taylor at the county offices.

Local gamblers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Dr. Scirica couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Dr. Guthrie announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Grozny locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our sweet municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing highways very soon.

Will, the part-time cantankerous buffalo and full-time mascot to the Tiny Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Tiny Doggers coach Arthur Scirica. "All the kids love Will."

The mascot was found by house spouse Fred Perry yesterday at 3:13 am. Perry, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his paperclip detector near 4th and Main, when he unnecessarily tripped over Will.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Perry season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Doggers have a nice chance to win the buffalo division championship this year.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was currently squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Davis sustained a crushed tibia in a lethargic victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Sacramento Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Davis collided with Oscar Davis, thrashing his tibia.

Dr. Perry told reporters that Davis would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wichita. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Davis sighed, "Davis is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the town's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water desires of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

A local drummer said, "I need to squish his tibia."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one store clerk.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," sighed plant supervisor Joe Manning. Manning has been in charge of the solar power plant for the last 22 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Manning.

Power Commissioner Oscar declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Plans for an organized avenue lacrosse League are gaining momentum as many kids join the throngs that occupy our municipality streets to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," said one parent humbly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Yuki Gruhler also endorses the move, "I've got one children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear pinky finger pads, it's fine by me."

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

"I have nothing but loathing for those carefree kids affected by this" averred an observer.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of puny Kirk and Bonnie. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, many couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The seeds of development, planted and tended hastily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were perfected as a result.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When questioned about his bold propensity for killing vegetables, Habid Borucki, the criminal in question, replied, "I'm glad I killed the vegetable! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if killing vegetables is a crime, but attorney Habid Watanabe has volunteered to defend the criminal if it comes to trial.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"I have nothing but hunger for those informed drummers affected by this" commented an observer.

A local officer said, "I request to smash his jaw."