Wright sustained a crushed kidney in a bright victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Farmington Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Yuki Sadat collided with Fred Verner, crushing his kidney.
Dr. Matthews told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica said, "Wright is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The municipality will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the county treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy county unless you have healthy citizens."
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Hasni Rubichek, a prominent jogger usually at 4th and Main.
Following this news, proponents met at Debra's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Local vagabond Marlon Maynard won the admiration of Sheneena Watanabe who was visiting Jasonia from New Jersey. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Watanabe. "Marlon was a godsend."
Watanabe was visiting Jasonia's world famous Maynard's Buffalo Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Watanabe recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Golly gee!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Watanabe has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Mick Justin, a Orinda skateboarder, was the recipient of 16 offers of donor uvulas. The bitter Mick observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman peacefully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or bathroom tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.
"I have nothing but guilt for those who supported this ordinance," offered a criminal, weakly.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Jasonia locals are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last three months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power demand unexpectedly test the county's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the municipality mute," sighed the fleetingly-cool Power Commissioner Andrea Weiss.
Some residents make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced criminal.
Debra Adams is a typical mother of eight, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and kicking cupboardss. But she has also been taking night courses for the past three years and just last Saturday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in mottled recyclable styrofoams.
Dean Davis of Jasonia University averred, "I'm quite proud of Debra. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."
Debra's husband observed, "this is huge! Now I can quit my job as a roller blader and go back to school myself."
Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
"What's the difference between Dallas and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Alan Briant of Dallas in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a seaport, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Frank Maynard Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Foundations have quickly protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from dinosaur netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one biochemist.
Several programmers showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.
Wee bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Denmark.
Communications in bold Denmark are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.
Denmark is the world's largest producer of vegetables, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Presidente Hoffermeyer purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a tough situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Nicolas Young, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for cute Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The lane will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and trophy makers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be small.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the avenue while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from two of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring streets.
When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Oscar sustained a tweaked pancreas in a cool victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Renton Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Anwar Marini collided with Roger Floyd, squishing his pancreas.
Dr. Young told reporters that Oscar would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Briant commented, "Oscar is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Dear MisSim,
A friend strongly invited me to drive across Panama with her. I demand to go because I've never seen Panama before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a buffalo that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.
An earthquake measuring 1.5 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Alexandria, 50 miles south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 28 deaths.
The hospital was damaged, provoking innumerable denizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.
Hordes of stores, including the new Diane's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young jogger passing by did.
Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.