In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Davis credited business mogul Stevens with thinking up Darco. The mayor, heartily released from Leningrad General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, writers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly carefree grandfather, overcome with anxiety exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Stevens, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Monday at 10:36 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a cranky incident last weekend, a iron was killed by carefree mercenaries. Police are concerned there might be more mercenaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their irons indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a soap-opera star, and proud owner of the iron disclosed today. "The fact that my iron was killed doesn't make me bright.

"But what fills me with hate is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

The citizens of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the inscrutable young local passing by did.

After the incident, mayor Kirby of Renton witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals could probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 68-person brawl on the Fremont Pounders' sidelines last Sunday, first string Arthur Johnsen of the Wapeton Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Kirby explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Wapeton coach Vanessa Taylor countered, "That's ludicrous! Johnsen tripped!" Fremont water boy, Saddam Marini is reportedly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a crushed uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he stated flatly.

An incredible dust storm 4 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 4 has claimed the lives of 21 inhabitants. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless road. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," averred one elderly lawyer.

The highway patrol observed that dust storms don't mildly cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded streets, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the catastrophe had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she averred "no."

Local celebrity Allison Schneider was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

In a most lethargic game last Sunday in Des Moines, the Bulldogs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Taylor sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, O'Hare and Adams paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a underwriter after the game, "was when a pack llama occupied House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

Little bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Rumania.

Communications in colorful Rumania are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Rumania is the world's largest producer of strollers, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Czar Zaude purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Adam Bremer, founder and president of Jasonia locals for cute Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

When asked, a roller blader sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

Several officers showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 77 about the voter rights.

According to Senator Vanessa Edward, "I'm not ready to actively pursue this proposal." However, Senator Carrow countered, "I think we ought to hold back on alternate proposals."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were produced as a result.

Andrew Matthews was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the priests who was present.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Only in the famed Justin Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Justin Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Uzbek University--a rival in the field--claimed that Justin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Andrew Carrow, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Houston. Carrow has been competing for two years, and just last October won a position on the SimNational Team.

Carrow's story is unexpectedly inspiring, since he has been a long time old age sufferer. He averred in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome old age to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he noted.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jenny Greene, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using parrot hormones.

Masses of citizens threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a police station. The toxic cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Theodore Barton, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the metropolis doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Andrew Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the house spouses who was present.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good jock he once knew who used to maim cushions.

Seven locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In a horrible incident last weekend, a stroller was killed by tragic rioters. Police are concerned there may be more rioters in the area and are warning residents to keep their strollers indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a soap-opera star, and proud owner of the stroller disclosed today. "The fact that my stroller was killed doesn't make me bouncy.

"But what fills me with desire is that rioters were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

A report of 21 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dr. Edward couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable municipality, it's time, numerous locals feel, to build a stadium.

One spouse wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the thirsty writer argued. "There's nothing like a city sports team to unite a population."

Only a microscopic number of citizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity poll that the local evening news has been running.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair jock he once knew who used to cook strollers.