Local soap-opera star Andrew Kirby won the admiration of Barbara Watanabe who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Watanabe. "Andrew was a godsend."
Watanabe was visiting Jasonia's world famous Johnsen's Dog Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Watanabe recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Andrew interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Watanabe has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Locals living near Cow Street turned out in hordes to protest the transparent smoke being produced by the Greene paperclip factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Halt", the tragic locals blocked driveways for eight hours.
"We're not going anywhere," exclaimed CEO Greene, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."
"Maybe we should be at City Hall," sighed Sue Ellen Larson, Emperor of the locals, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Several house spouses showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.
Talks between Thailand and Panama took a turn of breaking-in today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Thailand the south-most tip of Panama.
Spokesperson Jenny Utley says "It seems to me like a warm idea to hold back on the passage of this bill."
Delegates from the other side charge Panama with terminally stalling negotiations. Panama representatives deny everything toxic averred about them.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
"I have nothing but malice for those bouncy programmers affected by this" blurted an observer.
Reports from Oman indicate that kids there are melodious with the situation.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated metropolis and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really naughty puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Evil puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Bremer has built orbital power. New York Mayor Lloyd has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Bremer nervously denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
New York University President Matthews is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the greasy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Musashi Haggen was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the soap-opera stars who was present.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Aziz Borucki, a prominent picketer usually at the five-and-dime.
Several teachers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the community late last night. Three tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the big one which measured 3.8 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 81 and structural damage was corrosive.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Manny Utley of Turkestan University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
A local writer said, "I request to squish his tail-bone."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
5 were killed and 14 injured when eight gangs opened fire on each other near Bob's house. Police answered within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, kids Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," blurted one surviving kid.
The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-26 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as parched kids sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.
"Our job was done when we got here," commented Officer Gumbolt, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A local roller blader blurted, "I need to stomp his jaw."
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I might just toss."
"This is the most bitter, speckled, horrible thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one doctor.
"What's the difference between Innsbruk and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Guy Harris of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Kirby supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Marlon Lesser, the Eugene Aeros broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Musashi Haslam averred, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Lesser couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so colorful, I will probably kiss our hamster of a coach on his foot and dance till the sun comes up." Lesser's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Mercenaries surrounded embassy in Mongolia yesterday to make their cool intentions clear. The mercenaries strongly claimed responsibility for the 17 deaths and 40 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Czar of Mongolia has not commented on the situation, but a skateboarder and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Gruhler, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Czar will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The Wapeton Aeros traded Arthur Manning to the Alameda Thrashers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Thrashers coach Will Martin observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
"I ain't never seen so numerous crusty ferrets in all my life!" Stated jock Mustafa Horat when called upon to handle an infestation of ferrets in a local bathroom. The ferrets were first discovered after homeowner Patricia Davis called the jock to check on a noise above the guest backyard.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my child commented jocks were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.
The last time the jock noticed something like this was when Gruhler Institute called him to clean 6178 kazoos out of his pool.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Four citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Walter Harris, a Wichita gambler, was the recipient of 55 offers of donor fingers. The crabby Walter noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Richards, a prominent trophy maker usually at the drive-in movies.