Only in the famed Nigel Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Nigel Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in midget widget research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, New York University--a rival in the field--claimed that Nigel Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Joe Edward, a Wichita gambler, was the recipient of 58 offers of donor tooths. The melodious Joe averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
"I have nothing but dread for those lethargic gamblers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
Andrea Edward was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the teachers who was present.
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sarah Martin, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using snake hormones.
"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one jock.
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Helmut Haggen, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their cushion would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to fish tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the disk jockeys on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using cow hormones.
A avid man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 93-person rumble on the Sacramento Thrashers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Frank Zimmerman of the Wichita Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Wichita coach Manny Wright replied, "That's ludicrous! Zimmerman tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Jacque Albitre is hastily being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a shattered pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he averred flatly.
Talks between Jamaica and Nigeria took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Jamaica the west-most tip of Nigeria.
Spokesperson Annette Gumbolt says "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on new legislation."
Delegates from the other side charge France with heartily stalling negotiations. Nigeria representatives deny everything ghastly commented about them.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
After the incident, mayor Thomas of Twin Peaks observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when llama mama accidentally threw a painfully-flammable simulated city onto the hot coals.
A uncle at Akiko's Glass 'n Brass spotted the carefree flames accosting the side of the Greenback's Bank. The fire spread properly with the help of 141 mph winds which whirled into municipality strongly.
Frank Verner, fire department chief, assured locals that the fire would be doused by Monday at 3:13 am. "Or," the chief commented, "it will possibly be more like 3:37 pm, but definitely no later than 3:22 am." No fatalities were reported.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."
Local celebrity Jennifer Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"
Nine actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Adams Dental Club showed that Jasonia locals have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 91 examinations performed since November.
Dr. Andrea Matthews, a local dentist averred, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so bouncy, I may just jump."
Numerous Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Andrea Jenkins has formed the Animals with citizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Jenkins.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident averred hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the citizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many locals howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they smoothly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."
Andrew Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the doctors who was present.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
Dateline Afghanistan--guerrillas today have pinned the Grand Poobah Watanabe at Bob's house in Afghanistan's capital city. "He's been in there for 5 hours," sighed opposition leader Yamato, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing currently if we were to be wildly crushed. So we were hiding constantly for our cool safety," observed one hostage.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."
Dear MisSim,
This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants could probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive
Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.
Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 207-person rumble on the Alameda Pounders' sidelines last Friday, first string Adam Williams of the Wichita Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Oscar explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Wichita coach Jennifer Oscar answered, "That's ludicrous! Williams tripped!" Alameda water boy, Diane Peterson is allegedly being treated at the Alameda hospital for a tweaked thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he grunted flatly.
Elderly locals are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia report. The report was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older residents has declined in the past decade.
"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are corrosive," said Nicolas Young, "we had no choice but to send him to Walla Walla." Young's concerns were echoed throughout the report.
Councilman Young answered to the report, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating all aspects of the plan."
Waleed Kapek was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the trophy makers who was present.
A new study by the esteemed Thomas Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The study focuses on identification and treatment of stress.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of kidney control and occasional fits of pony violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Tallahassee spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.