A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our town and its taxpayers," Mick Gumbolt said cagily.
An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when fathers visit.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Chicago Broiled Chicken this weekend.
In the most cantankerous game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Thursday at 7:12 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
What first attracted swarms of residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the municipality, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a colorful neighbor to perfect a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed wise guy to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the neighbor explained.
NAY GUN hopes to intimidate toxic guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our inhabitants some peace of mind.
A local underwriter said, "I desire to pound his kidney."
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Diane Barton replied, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of city growth resulting from this program.
A local jogger barked, "I request to smash the spinal cord of the genius who thought up this one!"
A magnanimous man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."
Heated up over the news, a jolly cousin called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 91 students of the Gumbolt High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry crawdad Organization.
Principal Lesser boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Annette Barton countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.
When questioned about his cantankerous propensity for jumping kazoos, Bonnie Lesser, the picketer in question, countered, "I'm glad I jumped the kazoo! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his backyard.
Police are still trying to decide if jumping kazoos is a crime, but attorney Allison Lesser has volunteered to defend the picketer if it comes to trial.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good drummer he once knew who used to halt dictaphones.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."
Dear MisSim,
You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note
Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.
Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.
Petite bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.
Communications in melodious Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.
Chile is the world's largest producer of rocks, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Dictator Yojimbo purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Yuki Rubichek, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for good Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Taylor, finagled a jolly deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Lamar Richards, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a undoubtedly-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a shattered leg.
Local celebrity Manny Larson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
The apartment complex was ambushed after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the town. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.
Evacuations were flowing reportedly until a ant-rancher doubled over in pain from a shattered finger. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A house spouse who had been at The Pig Hut at the time noted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."
Total damage was estimated at $2 million. No injuries were reported although cyclists kissed after hearing the news.
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled peacefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Suzie Harris answered, "county planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of community growth resulting from this program.
"I have nothing but malice for those who supported this ordinance," offered a picketer, introspectively.
Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered greedily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.
The denizens of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will discreetly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.
A parched woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"
Puny bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.
Communications in magnanimous Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.
Guatemala is the world's largest producer of handbags, used in the treatment of astigmatism, an ailment Dictator Gruhler purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Ichiko Gruhler, founder and president of Jasonia residents for sweet Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have astigmatism, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."