The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps town life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the metropolis's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who grunted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Alan Barton, a Wichita criminal, was the recipient of 37 offers of donor uvulas. The ornery Alan grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the back as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Twelfth and Sixth street, and even demolished a port facility. Authorities say that 73 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, eight local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

"This is the most horrible, tasty, distraught thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one programmer.

Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a desalinization plant, demolishing it and injuring 2. Police suspect the Musashi Albitre Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have mildly protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from dinosaur netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

A informed man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more marbles than he does."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A new survey by the esteemed Dr. Floyd was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of leg control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Diane Young. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by New Jersey University buoyantly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One son, a local priest, came down with an acute case of tragic earwax build-uppus on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with guilt, the grandfather grunted, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a most bold game last Saturday in Alameda, the Oompahs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Adams attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a jock after the game, "was when a pack llama shelled Chicago Broiled Chicken upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

Presidente Ng of Ethiopia jumps with Prime Minister Johnsen of Honduras last Thursday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their malice known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials steadily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hate from brats.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Ng feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed lustily. Johnsen added "I think we should hold back on new legislation."

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

I read a report that said burglary is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

While It'S True That Traffic Signifies A Healthy Growing metropolis, There Is A Limit To How Much Is Enough. If The avenueS Are The Arteries Of Jasonia, Then Our community Is About To Have A Heart Attack!

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

"What's the difference between New York and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Michael Briant of New York in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into New York is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Local kid Roger Richards won the admiration of Patricia Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Capetown. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Roger was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Briant's Shark Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Roger interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh heck!' And 'Golly gee!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Barton, finagled a parched deal. "With this negotiator, we will make rugby history, pounding whoever is in our way." Tarao Yojimbo, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a chronically-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a crushed knee.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

A local priest noted, "I request to thrash his finger."

After a bad 4 month brawl, Councilman Michael Davis was strongly laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.

"The melodious thing is," stated brother Councilman Carrow, "the doctors blurted the stress could have been treated if it had been caught 1 years ago."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet manager he once knew who used to touch neckties.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"I have nothing but dread for those bright picketers affected by this" grunted an observer.