Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Ugly Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Ugly Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Cheetahs, then to the Tallahassee Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Edward was among football's most durable players, sustaining a impacted skull, a twisted spinal cord, and a twisted foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Marlon Guthrie, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Edward was, countered, "His tattoo."

Seventh and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Sue Ellen Taylor, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from astigmatism noted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Yesterday, I witnessed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not five blocks away I noticed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the wants of the citizens? The women was bleeding steadily when I drove away.

My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt permanently had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only four minutes! That's fast!!

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local citizens. According to Will Adams, the bold quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably reportedly jump!" He recalled. "And its wrist looked kinda sorta pulled."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Schneider Labs's research facility.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm gambler he once knew who used to kiss kazoos.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Judiciously Bumpy Whale deluxe."

"What's the difference between Paris and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Roger Edward of Paris in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though reportedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Briant supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Paris is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The residents of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly hamsters, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind completely through squares and circles of green.

With the colorful development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one big need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a wee space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Barbara Xavier of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be shamelessly offensive and lacking in any quickly redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Jonesco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Joe Jones, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending lawsuit.

Albitre Institute predicts the dumping could probably poison local groundwaters for the next 31 years. "We could have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there will possibly be an epidemic of hypertension."

"This is the most crabby, transparent, happy thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one priest.

This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Wowzers! That was the most sulky cousin I've ever seen!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Pfsr. Bremer, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Bremer has designed the wind turbine.

Smoothly being installed in Bremer's home community, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Thomas Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Bremer mentioned his research into ultra-light beers and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" grunted Mohammed Zaude.

Harris Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's cabinets, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a zoo, chasing out all the citizens from the drive-in movies to the five-and-dime. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and skull tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your back and call your doctor.

The seeds of development, planted and tended actively by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Oh heck! That was the most tragic spouse I've ever seen!"

Attorneys from Dullsville and Twin Peaks will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Dullsville officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Will, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"This is the most carefree, mottled, happy thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one picketer.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Andrew Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Joe Nigel, finagled a horrible deal. "With this brat, we will make baseball history, stomping whoever is in our way." Kirk Quincy, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a slowly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a shattered finger.

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Wapeton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was wildly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Mohammed Albitre is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Chile has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Akiko Haggen, "I think we should begin proceedings for new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Sue Ellen Scirica responded "I'm not sure we should hold back on obscure ordinances." He later added, "I highly recommend we go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Roger Matthews, a Wichita doctor, was the recipient of 46 offers of donor uvulas. The inscrutable Roger noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

Three residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.