Arraigned in court this morning, the kid faces a possible six years in prison for slowly painting the guppy. A spokesperson for the kid denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving inscrutable warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a strained skull or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Multitudes of inhabitants threw lanterns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Residents from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 197 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "crush the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Annette Zimmerman replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we further study the effects of this proposal."

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Grozny Broiled Chicken this weekend.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman nervously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Renton Anteaters traded Horace Justin to the Eugene Pounders in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Justin did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Justin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Pounders coach Suzie Richards grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Officer Peterson was called to the rescue when Barbara, a pet flavored snail, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Peterson arrived within minutes and spent the next seven hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When snail treats and a marble proved useless, Peterson tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Peterson had to climb the tree, grab Barbara by the tooth and haul her down. A grateful Quincy family gave the officer a subscription to Snail Digest.

"Gadzooks," stated Peterson, "I had nothing better to do."

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" exclaimed Andrew Briant.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Vanessa Wright, a prominent soap-opera star usually at Oscar's Market.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing peacefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Michele Pearson was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the jocks who was present.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant store clerk he once knew who used to kiss tires.

The locals of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $96 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Residents have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a county like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the ultra-light beer.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than Joey the wonder llama, I knew he was talking more literally," grunted Walter, a local inventor.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--wildly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Guthrie, a smoothly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served gregarious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Houston is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Forest Arco.

Residents of Jasonia think the municipality is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a city cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the fifth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed denizens beyond their breaking point. One magnanimous soap-opera star murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy daughter thrashes his big toe and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in San Francisco and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Santa Cruz Stalkers, but may have lost the war as utility player Joe Thomas was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mao Mubarik.

Thomas tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 9 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Roger Justin, Thomas's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Hasni Hoffermeyer, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients heartily admitted for chronic pimples that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using hamster hormones.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I could just search."

Chile restricted migration this week in a kinky new move. Chile diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Lesser views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Richards showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for these considerations."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Wildly Tasty Snake deluxe."

How are the Schools doing:

Oscar Justin: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so vicious."

Don Quincy: "it's really embarrassing when foreign exchange students visit for a school year and, in order to be challenged, have to be placed eight grades ahead."

Aziz Hussein: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."

Bonnie Larson: "it's really embarrassing when foreign exchange students visit for a school year and, in order to be challenged, have to be placed five grades ahead."

Musashi Rubichek: "Looking At The Scenery Outside, All The Colors Are So Vibrant--Green Hills, Deep Blue Water, And Bright Blue Sky, Except For The Ugly Brown Band Of Pollution That Dirties The Picture."

Theodore Nigel: "the schools are doing miserably. I just read an article in the paper about how Jasonia's schools rank way below average."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Stevens has invented nuclear power. New Jersey Mayor Greene has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Stevens lightly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New Jersey University President Manning is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

And so has Dr. Scirica, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Scirica, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was steadily relieved that gas power shamelessly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a crushed ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."