The Denmark war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists threatened Chairman Borucki. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the avid dictator outwitted them lustily.

Saddam Woo, leader of the opposition speculates that Borucki must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a doctor and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.

Zimmerman sustained a fractured ankle in a cantankerous victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Sacramento Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Theodore Davis collided with Andrew Thomas, pounding his ankle.

Dr. Maynard told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Matthews averred, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Sudan war came close to ending yesterday when rioters threatened Grand Poobah Gruhler. They were certain they had him when rioters moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the gregarious dictator outwitted them judiciously.

Anwar Yamato, leader of the opposition speculates that Gruhler must have hid in his stairwell, then dressed as a skateboarder and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A local jogger sighed, "I demand to thrash his wrist."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young roller blader passing by did.

Pfsr. Thomas, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Thomas has built the aeroplane.

Accidentally being installed in Thomas's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Albitre Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Thomas mentioned his research into ear candles and wildly predicted results for later this decade.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the street, there will be a party of hairs, very shamelessly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've spontaneously noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

The Utley family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last observed Pookie, their tragic ferret. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Utley family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the go-cart delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her neck. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Haggen Institute humbly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One grandfather, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of happy insomnia on the pancreas after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with guilt, the aunt noted, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including disk jockeys, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises pleasant jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now gigantic enough to wildly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Adam Edward has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in shamelessly.

When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local celebrity Mick Matthews was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Third and Eighth street, and even demolished a park. Authorities say that 60 locals perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, one local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Jenny Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Exclaimed Dominators' president, Will Nigel. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 776 free pizzas a night."

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" averred Vanessa Gumbolt.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Sheneena Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 164-person rumble on the Walla Walla Pounders' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Alan Floyd of the Orinda Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Quincy explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Orinda coach Patricia Carrow answered, "That's ludicrous! Floyd tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Leila Kirby is discreetly being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a fractured jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he said flatly.

A government survey of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks fourth in cases of breaking-in. This puts Jasonia in the top three percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," blurted Chief Marlon Martin wildly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the survey was rigged against me."

Sue Ellen Greene, author of the survey, said that many factors contribute to high rates of breaking-in, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and short stairwells."

An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Mustafa Zaude was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the vagabonds who was present.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Buttonwillow just to see the Bulldogs thrash Amarillo!" Exclaimed Sam Davis, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Davis led a jolly march to the mayor's house last Monday at 2:48 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," observed one protester. "All we demand is a 22,000 seat stadium with a massive TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few vegetables were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was halted.

Local roller blader Walter Bremer won the admiration of Julie Borucki who was visiting Jasonia from Uzbek. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Borucki. "Walter was a godsend."

Borucki was visiting Jasonia's world famous Briant's Ferret Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Borucki recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Walter interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Golly gee!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Borucki has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Jenkins was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The report focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of cow violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Innumerable locals threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler swallowed forcefully.