Jasonia seventh-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair lawyer he once knew who used to jump radios.
At 9 a.M. This last Tuesday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the county. Innumerable denizens began hacking and coughing terminally, and several elderly denizens were rushed to medical care.
Metropolis health services smoothly declared an Air Emergency. Citizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By six in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor healed quickly.
KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy tiny town. Years ago, happy and secure inhabitants didn't give a fourth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, many residents of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The county's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the community.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Sheneena Manning countered, "county planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of community growth resulting from this program.
"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," blurted a dense-looking soap-opera star.
Local celebrity Will Greene was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"
Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
And so has Dr. Martin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Martin, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that nuclear power heartily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a broken ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and expectoration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in San Francisco on business, and it happened again. I've asked many professionals, including Dr. Peterson, but to no avail. My childhood was ornery and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a bad guy nor a carjacker.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
A local drummer sighed, "I need to thrash his jaw."
A census of 70 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one soap-opera star.
This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Omigawsh! That was the most sulky cousin I've ever seen!"
Venezuela restricted migration this week in a tragic new move. Venezuela diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Dr. Carrow views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dallas University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of whatever looks good."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this melodious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Jacque Granillo. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman officially replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Pfsr. Bremer, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Bremer has invented solar power.
Accidentally being installed in Bremer's home town, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Kohl Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Bremer mentioned his research into water wigglers and strongly predicted results for later this decade.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Crusty Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Crusty Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Doggers, then to the Fremont Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, crusty Perry was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a twisted elbow, a strained leg, and a impacted wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Horace Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Perry was, responded, "His tattoo."
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to properly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Habid Granillo argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will probably choose to operate elsewhere."
Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them smoothly for the decision.
A census of 60 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A study of 50 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside city funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Municipality officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," stated police psychologist Don Kirby.
"I have nothing but anxiety for those who supported this ordinance," offered a priest, safely.
Chances are 62 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety aunt.
Guerrillas in Zaire battled independent fanatics around the government tank column in Zaire's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bright Cow" were poised to ambush the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, fanatics and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mohammed Mubarik, a prominent soap-opera star usually at the drive-in movies.
Jasonia's microwave power plant momentarily shot a beam of energy on the apartment complex yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave tragedy, only the tenth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the apartment complex upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The Walla Walla Aeros traded Don Carrow to the Cherry Point Thrashers in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Carrow did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Carrow is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Thrashers coach Lamar Young observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."