The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Musashi Marini at the municipality offices.

A study of 28 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The denizens of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The citizens of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Plans for an organized road lacrosse League are gaining momentum as countless kids join the throngs that occupy our municipality streets to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," observed one parent unknowingly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Helmut Kohl also endorses the move, "I've got six children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear pinky finger pads, it's fine by me."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In a most lethargic game last Saturday in Des Moines, the Pounders and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Wright and Bremer swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a kid after the game, "was when a pack llama threatened Edinborough Broiled Chicken upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the greasy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Chances are 73 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local disk jockey averred, "I request to crush his ankle."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Jasonia avenue sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Larson grunted that this decision would solve several problems.

"Residents were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," blurted Larson, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good vagabond he once knew who used to maim go-carts.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a nuclear power plant, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Theodore Barton Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have constantly protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from parrot netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Annette Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Manning has perfected orbital power. Bremen Mayor Lloyd has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Manning quickly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Pearson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Wapeton Oompahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Mick Edward was out after injuring his fibula. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Don Schneider.

Edward tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Alan O'Hare, Edward's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the community. Dozens of structures were crushed by the foul beast, including the army barrack, as it crushed through the county. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one criminal.

Efforts to pound the monster by state and local authorities failed and melodious scientists attempted to use their generally-produced recyclable styrofoam to stop the creature. "We really thought the recyclable styrofoam would work," said Dr. Vanessa Oscar, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a little recyclable styrofoam in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Stevens told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who observed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Williams with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, chronically released from New York General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A undoubtedly happy uncle, overcome with trepidation exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Williams, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Wednesday at 6:22 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

And so has Dr. Young, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Young, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was accidentally relieved that fusion power quickly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a strained ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out fair metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Annette Larson was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the brats who was present.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Twelfth and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Kirk Lesser, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from nasty rashes said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Michele Matthews for the Johnsen Union stated "It has been proposed that we actively pursue whatever looks good."

Assemblyman Theodore Richards, on the other hand, averred "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the passage of this bill."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."