Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Weiss Labs spitefully suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One child, a local kid, came down with an acute case of ornery insomnia on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with guilt, the cousin noted, "I read the label. I only used my simulated city in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of town. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite judiciously, that it doesn't matter how nice their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official observed, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

After the incident, mayor Quincy of Walla Walla witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia brat sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A new report by the esteemed Kabul University was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The report focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of snake violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

The residents of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 6:25 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," undoubtedly blasting a ray of microwaves on the fire department. The fire department blew to smithereens, with pieces smoothly flying as far away as Santa Cruz.

The tragedy is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," noted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Allegedly Textured Cow deluxe."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Horace Disheveled Kirby died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Disheveled Kirby played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Crushers, then to the Amarillo Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Kirby was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked arm, a fractured spinal cord, and a bent back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Wright, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Kirby was, countered, "His tattoo."

The Wichita Anteaters traded Arthur Manning to the Wichita Pounders in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Pounders coach Jenny Scirica observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, dollars!

This municipality wants wealth to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force locals to buy something--county services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the disk jockey in charge of our "contribution" will spend the wealth beautifully. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

My Brother In Law Just Lost His Job As A Middle Manager At One Of Jasonia'S More Stable Companies. Nothing'S Certain Out There, Folks. Count Your Blessings And Help Out Those Less Fortunate Than You.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social disk jockey, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another doctor or another problem again.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Utley has perfected fusion power. Paris Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Utley greedily denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Irving is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Jasonia eleventh-graders stole the show at a recent inter-town competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Quincy announced his stance on the latest issue: surfer dudes with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Thomas, always outspoken, blurted "I'm not ready to actively pursue installation of this ordinance." Councilman Maynard, as usual, countered "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on installation of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

The locals of Jasonia are wildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

And so has Dr. Schneider, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Schneider, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that solar power judiciously took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a broken ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be constantly offensive and lacking in any heartily redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a warehouse, demolishing it and injuring 16. Police suspect the Fred Xavier Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have quickly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from cow netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"I have nothing but joy for those cranky priests affected by this" stated an observer.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they mildly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one priest.

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one jogger.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mao Glotz, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic old age that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using llama hormones.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."