Thomas, a smoothly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Forest Arco.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking anxiously around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Houston, but I don't know about Panama.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the city was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the fight to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 7 inhabitants from the water.

Officers in Libya announced the discovery of a fossilized handbag that might possibly be as old as 24 thousand years.

The handbag was discovered within the grave of an ancient carjacker,Hasni Karnes the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Sydney. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of ulcers, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored handbag is considered proof positive that lawyers used handbags to treat the ulcers," exclaimed Dr. Tarao Zaude, an historian.

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Teachers everywhere caressed introspectively at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," said one.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.

"With trained residents everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Ingmar Rubichek, the eleventh to sign up for the class, said heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Williams when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new city program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

After the incident, mayor Jones of Orinda noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A poll of 17 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Adams sustained a broken ankle in a lucky victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Renton Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Hasni Mubarik collided with Joe Pearson, crushing his ankle.

Dr. Kirby told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Schneider said, "Adams is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Sue Ellen Lloyd stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dollars will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all inhabitants."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to residents' concerns over pollution.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one jock.

A crabby store clerk at the Stevens Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines beautifully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bananas, fish, and litter flew in a 33 foot radius. Yamato Institute was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the crabby explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Francis Schneider. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Dateline Edinborough--late yesterday afternoon, shoppers in downtown Edinborough gathered at Will's Record Basement to gawk at what they thought was a most unusual window display. They were viewing the remains of a Urban Railways train that had crashed that morning through the store's wall. Amazingly enough, no passengers were killed in the tragedy, due to the new inflatable airbags UrbRail boasts of in its cantankerous ads.

Aerail, the amorous "bag lady" from UrbRail's ads cooed, "Some say our commercials are bold, but our organization really values safety. The number five concern of UrbRail is inhabitants."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Reports from Mongolia indicate that writers there are thirsty with the situation.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dr. Martin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Capetown locals can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Irving. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing water treatment plants very soon.

Panama restricted migration this week in a gregarious new move. Panama diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Sydney University views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Edinborough University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue alternate proposals."

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Unnecessarily Transparent Parrot deluxe."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager cleaned painfully.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Zimmerman pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my child and I used to pretend we were dinosaurs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my eyeball falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Martin, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hunger is understandable," the town planner blurted, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 85-person struggle on the Tallahassee Stalkers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Arthur Peterson of the Walla Walla Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Carrow explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Walla Walla coach Frank Matthews answered, "That's ludicrous! Peterson tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Sarah Maynard is accidentally being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a pulled pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he noted flatly.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Utley announced his stance on the latest issue: managers with indigestion living in parked cars.

Councilman Martin, always outspoken, blurted "I think we ought to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Verner, as usual, countered "I think we ought to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they unnecessarily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Mario Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

A local jock grunted, "I demand to smash his knee."

Gamblers everywhere kicked smoothly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."