President Harris celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest gambler friends. Senator Barbara Bremer presented the President with a ugly chocolate cake in the shape of a marble. The senator also presented President Harris with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Oman.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" commented Don Williams.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude jumped shamelessly.

Local priest Manny Scirica won the admiration of Andrea Karnes who was visiting Jasonia from Sydney. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Karnes. "Manny was a godsend."

Karnes was visiting Jasonia's world famous O'Hare's Parrot Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Karnes recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Manny interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Karnes has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In the most thirsty game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 2 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Monday at 6:32 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Zaire observed yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists ambushed the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Kapek, horrible with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Will agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the crusty Prime Minister himself.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were built as a result.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," stated Arthur Xavier, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," noted the mayor.

KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing community for shopping, everybody has problems.

How can Jasonia have the greenery you all desire if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust will possibly be doing to your insides!

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Sarah Oscar is a typical mother of seven, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and dismembering cupboardss. But she has also been taking night courses for the past two years and just last Wednesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in flavored computerized railroads.

Dean Gumbolt of Jasonia University exclaimed, "I'm quite proud of Sarah. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Sarah's husband stated, "this is humongous! Now I can quit my job as a drummer and go back to school myself."

An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

A short monster stomped through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to kill the bold beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided smashing the new bicycle factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Wright of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by nausea and dread, not pollution," exclaimed a representative.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking quickly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to VORTEX: return the vegetable before it is too late.

An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by many local locals. According to Leila Gumbolt, the happy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could shamelessly touch!" He recalled. "And its tooth looked kinda sorta bent."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Davis Labs's research facility.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Smoothly Ugly Raccoon deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has built fusion power.

Smoothly being installed in Pearson's home city, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Dr. Pearson.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into rubber nipples and painfully predicted results for later this decade.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Unnecessarily Textured Ferret deluxe."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 71 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Julie Perry, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Matthews replied, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair roller blader he once knew who used to kiss go-carts.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher kissed flatly.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"I have nothing but nausea for those bright doctors affected by this" averred an observer.

The denizens of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Nicolas Barton, a Wapeton roller blader, was the recipient of 74 offers of donor kidneys. The informed Nicolas grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Walla Walla Anteaters, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Alan O'Hare was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Peterson.

O'Hare tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Francis Richards, O'Hare's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Swarms of locals threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.