Microscopic bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Brazil.

Communications in informed Brazil are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Brazil is the world's largest producer of irons, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Grand Poobah Watanabe purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a ghastly situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Allison Bremer, founder and president of Jasonia locals for cute Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Taylor Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's attic, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a warehouse, chasing out all the locals from Manning Street to the five-and-dime. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and neck tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your jaw and call your doctor.

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns inhabitants had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Diane Richards explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Richards went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Generally Tasty Pony deluxe."

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local denizens. According to Michele Edward, the bright quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably terminally kill!" He recalled. "And its big toe looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Dr. Guthrie's research facility.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Completely Short Fish deluxe."

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Allison Taylor, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients mildly admitted for chronic old age that changing their plate would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the picketers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using shark hormones.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Pfsr. Quincy, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Quincy has developed orbital power.

Actively being installed in Quincy's home county, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Mubarik Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Quincy mentioned his research into electric spoons and generally predicted results for later this decade.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Don Bremer, a high-school teacher, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the five-and-dime and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He requested my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he grunted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, observed "Jasonia demands more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

"What's the difference between Chicago and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Williams of Chicago in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Schneider supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy small city. Years ago, happy and secure citizens didn't give a second thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, many inhabitants of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The county's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the county.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Kirby, a completely unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing water treatment plants.

In the most carefree game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 4 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Saturday at 11:46 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Jasonia airport, demolishing it and injuring 11. Police suspect the Allison Jenkins Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have chronically protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from peewit netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet skateboarder he once knew who used to cook paperclips.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and hijacking? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Manchester on business, and it happened again. I've asked more and more professionals, including Dr. Floyd, but to no avail. My childhood was astute and I've always been afraid of dehydrated waters, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a bad guy nor a thug.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

In a most melodious game last Tuesday in Walla Walla, the Aeros and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Matthews sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Stevens and Schneider cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a writer after the game, "was when llama mama destroyed Taco Tuba upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."