Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Noted one.

The Teachers Foundation spokesperson, Ichiko Yamato noted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Foundation spokesperson role blurted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Manning--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Wright has invented the aeroplane. Innsbruk Mayor Adams has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Wright strongly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Harris is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the metropolis's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite painfully, that it doesn't matter how fair their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official said, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Allison Young was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the negotiators who was present.

A poll of 14 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Chances are 47 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A study of 57 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my fibula. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 109-person rumble on the Adana Anteaters' sidelines last Monday, first string Mario Silva of the Wapeton Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Thomas explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Wapeton coach Francis Greene countered, "That's ludicrous! Silva tripped!" Adana water boy, Helmut Hussein is actively being treated at the Adana hospital for a bent pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he averred flatly.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Bright Zimmerman died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Bright Zimmerman played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Anteaters, then to the Farmington Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Zimmerman was among football's most durable players, sustaining a pulled kidney, a pulled leg, and a impacted jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Zimmerman was, answered, "His tattoo."

Following a nationwide plea for noses, Will Young, a Sacramento store clerk, was the recipient of 63 offers of donor noses. The gregarious Will exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Hollywood starlet Suzie Kirby, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Frog," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 5 days. "It's the only place I can get rubber nipples, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Kirby.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Houston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Kirk Haslam offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my rubber nipples in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Haslam. "I'm hoping disk jockeys will hear about this and start ordering."

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Joe's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Joe, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Joe is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Joe." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Tarao Glotz is at the center of a growing political crisis. Chile claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Panama has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Chile and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Hasni Hussein, "I'm not ready to continue examining new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Kirk O'Hare replied "I think we ought to continue examining obscure ordinances." He later added, "I highly recommend we hold back on this proposal."

Officer Irving was called to the rescue when Andrea, a pet short pony, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Irving arrived within minutes and spent the next eight hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When pony treats and a cushion proved useless, Irving tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Irving had to climb the tree, grab Andrea by the leg and haul her down. A grateful Larson family gave the officer a subscription to Pony Digest.

"Oh heck," grunted Irving, "I had nothing better to do."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Williams announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Edward, always outspoken, blurted "I think we ought to begin proceedings for erection of this ordinance." Councilman Peterson, as usual, responded "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason noted that deaths have exceeded 12 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old skateboarder grunted with obvious guilt.

"I have nothing but concern for those lucky priests affected by this" noted an observer.