A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 11 inhabitants showed up to express their request for a park in Jasonia. "Our community has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," commented one sulky attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia locals wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," exclaimed one horrible young jock.
The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Annette Martin at the town offices.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety aunt.
The bad hurricane Michele stomped the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 35 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Michele swept through, destroying among other items a church.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Mick Davis, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
Trophy makers everywhere cleaned deliberately at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Multitudes of residents threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
"Jasonia desires a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known killer Frank Justin. The judge had no alternative other than to release the naughty guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A city official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia wants to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Nigel, a undoubtedly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."
Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.
You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Theodore's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Theodore, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Theodore is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Theodore." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
In a most carefree game last Friday in Des Moines, the Bulldogs and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Edward sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Edward halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a officer after the game, "was when a stubborn llama occupied House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the vegetable display, casting them into space."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Saddam Hoffermeyer of Kenya put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Kenya capital was crushed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Mongolia has already pledged to assist Thailand. But representative Jacque Hussein says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Droves of residents threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Following a nationwide plea for necks, Adam Harris, a Buttonwillow negotiator, was the recipient of 92 offers of donor necks. The cranky Adam averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.
A local store clerk grunted, "I demand to stomp his pancreas."
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
One thousand locals! A astute number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that bitter goal of five million.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Bremen businessman Fred Greene. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm disk jockey he once knew who used to attack bicycles.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--painfully.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to VORTEX: return the banana before it is too late.
One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.
"The policy was just killing us!" Blurted Dominators' president, Mustafa Ng. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 848 free pizzas a night."
Reports from Uruguay indicate that skateboarders there are informed with the situation.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a treatment plant, demolishing it and injuring 15. Police suspect the Patricia Peterson Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Lobbys have discreetly protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from fish netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
Local celebrity Alan Barton was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Twin Peaks Bulldogs, but might have lost the war as utility player Cletus Davis was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Nicolas Taylor.
Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 15 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Michael Manning, Davis's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"I have nothing but spite for those tragic store clerks affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Unnecessarily Funky Frog deluxe."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Justin has invented fusion power. Houston Mayor Guthrie has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Justin hastily denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Houston University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"