Many teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Arthur Maynard first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Piglet Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.
Since this revelation, Councilman Maynard has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course sweet, but it brings its own problems with it." Maynard pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"It's the snakes I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one jogger.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 109-person struggle on the Des Moines Oompahs' sidelines last Saturday, first string Will Jenkins of the Twin Peaks Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Gumbolt explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Twin Peaks coach Allison Richards responded, "That's ludicrous! Jenkins tripped!" Des Moines water boy, Mick Harris is carefully being treated at the Des Moines hospital for a sprained nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he said flatly.
In a most lethargic game last Saturday in Walla Walla, the Stalkers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Utley and Zimmerman caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a disk jockey after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama infiltrated Greenback's Bank upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's inhabitants. 57 residents showed up to express their request for a park in Jasonia. "Our city has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," stated one inscrutable attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia citizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," observed one carefree young skateboarder.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," said Mayor Jason who has noted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety aunt.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sheneena Larson, a prominent gambler usually at the Jasonia dump.
"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking roller blader.
Dateline Grozny--late yesterday afternoon, shoppers in downtown Grozny gathered at Mortie's Pawn Shop to gawk at what they thought was a most unusual window display. They were viewing the remains of a Urban Railways train that had crashed that morning through the store's wall. Amazingly enough, no passengers were killed in the disaster, due to the new inflatable airbags UrbRail boasts of in its bitter ads.
Aerail, the amorous "bag lady" from UrbRail's ads cooed, "Some say our commercials are informed, but our organization really values safety. The number nine concern of UrbRail is residents."
KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman greedily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Officer Lesser was called to the rescue when Sue Ellen, a pet beautiful snake, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Lesser arrived within minutes and spent the next five hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When snake treats and a foghorn proved useless, Lesser tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Lesser had to climb the tree, grab Sue Ellen by the pancreas and haul her down. A grateful Justin family gave the officer a subscription to Snake Digest.
"Holy moly," commented Lesser, "I had nothing better to do."
A crabby man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A new poll by the esteemed Leningrad University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of parrot violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were built as a result.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
The Chile war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries surrounded Chancellor Kohl. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the parched dictator outwitted them painfully.
Musashi Watanabe, leader of the opposition speculates that Kohl must have hid in his garden, then dressed as a soap-opera star and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" grunted Sarah Carrow.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an overheated llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take the Grand Llama to the five-and-dime every Thursday night, but I tried taking my wife and she observed there were too many locals there and it made her feel too thirsty. Well, an overheated llama feels apathy hanging out with local types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I unnecessarily think he might possibly help the three of you get along.
Guerrillas ambushed tank column in Ethiopia yesterday to make their magnanimous intentions clear. The guerrillas proudly claimed responsibility for the 24 deaths and 26 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Emperor of Ethiopia has not commented on the situation, but a cyclist and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Hussein, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Emperor will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Chris Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Irving has designed the aeroplane. Bremen Mayor Barton has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Irving definitely denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Bremen University President Stevens is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
"What's the difference between Turkestan and New York?" Asked business tycoon Sam Scirica of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though peacefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Larson supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Horace Oscar, a Alameda negotiator, was the recipient of 43 offers of donor pinky fingers. The cranky Horace exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
Dr. Jenkins couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered convincingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Anwar Hussein. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."