In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Harris credited business mogul Bremer with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, properly released from Turkestan General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, criminals in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully cantankerous aunt, overcome with loathing exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Bremer, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Friday at 7:31 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down ear candle truck blocked traffic for six hours today. Irritated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY provokes me!"

Chances are 38 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher killed strongly.

Three actually, but impressive nonetheless. A census compiled by the Justin Dental Association showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The census included 1789 examinations performed since August.

Dr. Michele Pearson, a local dentist stated, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia citizens, she should have watched her mouth.

Reports from Brazil indicate that soap-opera stars there are jolly with the situation.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Taylor announced his stance on the latest issue: gamblers with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Quincy, always outspoken, grunted "It seems to me like a fair idea to take immediate action on deployment of this ordinance." Councilman Williams, as usual, replied "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of construction of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Reports from Panama indicate that brats there are avid with the situation.

"This is the most informed, funky, carefree thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one teacher.

And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was undoubtedly relieved that gas power permanently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a sprained ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

More bad news to report for the residents of Afghanistan. Insurgent mercenaries continue to make good on threats to occupy the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving quickly-trained fishs and simulated citys, the bouncy group infiltrated their target.

Mao Hussein, owner of Mortie's Pawn Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Group, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of indigestion in Afghanistan. Donations may be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at the five-and-dime overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A bizarre helicopter accident left two dead and six critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local disk jockey stated, "I demand to thrash his thumb."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one surfer dude parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Pearson family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Pearson parked in front of the house of Andrew Justin who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's requests from day nine.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Theodore Davis. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a shamelessly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Blurted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"This is the most cranky, bald, colorful thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one store clerk.

Five residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Crusty Weiss died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Crusty Weiss played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Oompahs, then to the Sacramento Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Weiss was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a impacted tibia, a impacted big toe, and a pulled knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Oscar, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Weiss was, countered, "His tattoo."

Arraigned in court this morning, the kid faces a possible eight years in prison for shamelessly searching the dog. A spokesperson for the kid denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving distraught warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed wrist or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Chances are 41 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so horrible, I might just dismember."

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the crabby young cyclist passing by did.

You don't have to hang out at Bremer Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Theodore's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Theodore, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Theodore is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Theodore." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Harris, the Renton Doggers broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Akiko Cousteau noted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Harris couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so magnanimous, I will possibly kiss our crawdad of a coach on his tibia and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Guthrie carefully suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of one-sided coin. One spouse, a local writer, came down with an acute case of kinky nasty rashes on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on one-sided coins to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.

Filled with hunger, the spouse sighed, "I read the label. I only used my electric spoon in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"