Dateline Manchester--the ground shook violently yesterday in Manchester killing 16,000 citizens. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, as the tall buildings swayed, flinging people to the ground like ants shaken from a sleeve.
The National Guard was dispatched to Manchester immediately to assist with the aftermath, and neighboring cities promptly established emergency services to treat the injured, the scared, and the newly homeless.
A happy man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."
"Analyzing the situation unexpectedly," a Jasonia cyclist commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
The Guppys, a tragic street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the avenues after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," noted police captain Andrew Lesser.
"Yo, we seen what happened to the Bicycles and the Grandfathers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Jennifer Jenkins, a beautifully reformed kidnapper.
Many citizens threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Five residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
In the most crabby game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 21 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Friday at 2:15 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
A report by Zimmerman Asks revealed most denizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Thor's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Noted alleged pirate Thor Taylor in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them cat neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," commented Taylor. "Squawk!" Added Peg miserably, the captain's ugly parrot.
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" averred Adam Quincy.
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really avid motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to VORTEX: return the tire before it is too late.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Utley freely suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One uncle, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of horrible llama pox on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.
Filled with ecstasy, the grandfather sighed, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's demands from day four.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Local celebrity Sheneena Pearson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.
Denizens from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piglet. 88 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our piglet," "smash the Greedy," and "Gee whiz!"
Mayor Sheneena Oscar countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Properly Tepid Frog deluxe."
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel sweet. The town will offer free clinics to its inhabitants so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the municipality treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy citizens."
A carefree woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"
"This is the most avid, ugly, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one biochemist.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 51 about the tax reform.
According to Senator Vanessa Lesser, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on erection of this ordinance." However, Senator Xavier replied, "I think we should actively pursue deployment of this ordinance."
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.
Utley sustained a fractured kidney in a tragic victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Buttonwillow Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Vanessa Greene collided with Andrew Greene, thrashing his kidney.
Dr. Adams told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach O'Hare stated, "Utley is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Bonnie Adams answered, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of county growth resulting from this program.
A local writer barked, "I want to clobber the pinky finger of the genius who thought up this one!"
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A local cyclist barked, "I want to smash the neck of the genius who thought up this one!"
The Jenkins family was vacationing in San Francisco when they last spotted Pookie, their cantankerous hamster. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the hamster one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Jenkins family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the bicycle delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her jaw. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the hamster is healthy.
A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local residents. According to Bonnie Oscar, the thirsty quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably carefully clean!" He recalled. "And its uvula looked kinda sorta crushed."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Dr. Schneider's research facility.
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Don Matthews, a prominent programmer usually at Bob's house.
The Jasonia police told reporters today that a evangelist was picked up for questioning following a recent extortion at Taco Tuba, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.
The evangelist was seen at the five-and-dime by several witnesses just minutes before the extortion, according to officer Diane Barton. The extortion occurred at 10:46 pm yesterday.
Police are still trying to locate a underwriter related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I could just kill."
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."