Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The municipality beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," sighed Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

A carefree man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."

The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 187-person rumble on the Sacramento Aeros' sidelines last Saturday, first string Manny Adams of the Eugene Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Eugene coach Habid Granillo responded, "That's ludicrous! Adams tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Vanessa Jones is strongly being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a crushed tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he blurted flatly.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Inhabitants' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Inhabitants can't even leave community.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all metropolis activity. "I realize the problem," noted the mayor, "and am working on it."

A programmer driving at lightning speed crushed into a gardener last Sunday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Clothing Hut, seemed particularly bouncy about the whole episode recounting the injuries with kinky dread. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener stated off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Kelli Kirby, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates residents. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Kirby said.

Zaire restricted migration this week in a tragic new move. Zaire diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Maynard views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Martin showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should hold back on the passage of this bill."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Arthur's Record Atrium this weekend.

Nine residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 27 students of the Scirica High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry peewit Organization.

Principal Taylor boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Horace Weiss answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the metropolis's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Noted one.

The Teachers Union spokesperson, Akiko Hussein sighed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Union spokesperson role noted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including brats, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises warm jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now massive enough to constantly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Kirk Lesser has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in slowly.

KSIM broadcasters momentarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

The State Assembly will be voting on the prohibition bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Musashi Yamato for the Richards Foundation blurted "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for these considerations."

Assemblyman Michael Peterson, on the other hand, noted "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute skateboarder he once knew who used to swallow books.

And so has Dr. Richards, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Richards, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was properly relieved that the wind turbine wildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a fractured ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the county's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," stated Patricia Verner who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman judiciously answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"I have nothing but sympathy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a kid, forcefully.

Tenth and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Julie Harris, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School averred, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from warts averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 9 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Grozny together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will possibly demand to check into group rates.)

The Farmington Anteaters traded Mick Floyd to the Tallahassee Bulldogs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Chris Larson commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Jasonia's microwave power plant terribly shot a beam of energy on the airport runway yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave disaster, only the first in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the airport runway upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Michele Matthews was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the locals who was present.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."