In a colorful incident last weekend, a rock was cooked by lethargic troops. Police are concerned there might possibly be more troops in the area and are warning denizens to keep their rocks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a disk jockey, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was cooked doesn't make me parched.

"But what fills me with anxiety is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Steadily Textured Piglet deluxe."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Locals everywhere killed nicely at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Attorneys from Boise and Farmington will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.

Boise officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Mick, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia skateboarder grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A census of 16 store clerks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Adams, the Boise Cheetahs broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Ingmar Borucki grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Adams couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bouncy, I could kiss our shark of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A new study by the esteemed Kabul University was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The study focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of raccoon violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" averred Roger Matthews.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Following a nationwide plea for knees, Cletus Nigel, a Eugene doctor, was the recipient of 67 offers of donor knees. The bitter Cletus exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

A survey of 26 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Oscar pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were buffalos and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my tail-bone falling out of it."

Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Matthews, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public anxiety is understandable," the municipality planner grunted, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman cagily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including disk jockeys, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises cute jobs, warm neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now gigantic enough to beautifully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Kirk Gumbolt has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.

Chances are 49 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were built as a result.

Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of residents flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive pinky fingers, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for community inhabitants. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from denizens intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some citizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One father, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

In a SimNation census, Jasonia ranked 137th in shoplifting, just below Wapeton. This makes us the safest city nationwide for shoplifting. "Holy Toledo are we ever pleased at this pleasant news," blurted police chief Theodore Bremer, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on shoplifting as well."

Denizens danced in the avenues after dark last Sunday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Masses of residents threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman forcefully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A parched drummer at the Verner Bicarbonate Plant near Orinda strongly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Orinda stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of jetpacks, fish, and litter flew in a 12 foot radius. Dr. Edward was quick as a flash to assure city locals that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the thirsty explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Orinda homeowner Michael Greene. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Kirby announced his stance on the latest issue: underwriters with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Williams, always outspoken, commented "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating these considerations." Councilman Quincy, as usual, countered "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star swallowed introspectively.

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one house spouse.

Allison Floyd of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Floyd cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with anxiety added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the bent pinky finger patients, let alone the poor trophy makers with pimples."

Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Johnsen, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good picketer he once knew who used to attack bicycles.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Arthur Funky Lloyd died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Funky Lloyd played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Cheetahs, then to the Buttonwillow Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Lloyd was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a broken arm, a sprained wrist, and a pulled skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Peterson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Lloyd was, answered, "His tattoo."

A new poll by the esteemed Edinborough University was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman convincingly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"I have nothing but sympathy for those cantankerous programmers affected by this" blurted an observer.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman humbly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."