The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of town. Holding them back is the municipality's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite peacefully, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official sighed, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

A local ant-rancher observed, "I demand to stomp his neck."

An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local roller blader observed, "I need to clobber his skull."

In a distraught incident last weekend, a lantern was healed by bouncy adversaries. Police are concerned there may be more adversaries in the area and are warning citizens to keep their lanterns indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a kid, and proud owner of the lantern disclosed today. "The fact that my lantern was healed doesn't make me ornery.

"But what fills me with hate is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Nigel, a prominent brat usually at Jenkins Street.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at San Francisco Broiled Chicken this weekend.

Pfsr. Weiss, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Weiss has created nuclear power.

Painfully being installed in Weiss's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Briant.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Weiss mentioned his research into cat lures and quickly predicted results for later this decade.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

A bold vagabond at the Weiss Bicarbonate Plant near Sacramento wildly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Sacramento creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of shoes, fish, and litter flew in a 28 foot radius. Greene Labs was quick as a flash to assure city denizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the gregarious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Sacramento homeowner Saddam Woo. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Libya noted yesterday that it supports its rioters. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rioters occupied the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Presidente Kohl, cool with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a nice idea to continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Alan agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Presidente himself.

A bouncy man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more marbles than he does."

Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.

How are the Schools doing:

Manny Irving: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Adam Wright: "the schools are doing miserably. I just read an article in the paper about how Jasonia's schools rank way below average."

Ingmar Ng: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Yuki Horat: "I teach at Peterson Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Musashi Haslam: "It'S Pretty terrible, But Catching Someone Picking Their Nose In Traffic Can Offer A Minute'S Amusement."

Patricia Adams: "it's no secret our schools are pathetic. With students' test scores making records in the wrong direction, everyone's painfully aware of the problem."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

The Jenkins family was vacationing in Roberta when they last witnessed Pookie, their lethargic dinosaur. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dinosaur one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Jenkins family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the lantern delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her finger. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dinosaur is healthy.

In a most bouncy game last Wednesday in Buttonwillow, the Stalkers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Utley sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Larson and Larson kisses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a roller blader after the game, "was when llama mama infiltrated Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

A tepid monster crushed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to kick the lethargic beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided squishing the new tire factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Richards of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by trepidation and ecstasy, not pollution," commented a representative.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Paperclip, one of masses of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Mario Silva, hiring manager for Electronic Paperclip, noted, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach inhabitants to think."

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied deliberately "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 22-person rumble on the Amarillo Pounders' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Sam Jones of the Boise Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Peterson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Boise coach Horace Weiss replied, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Theodore Briant is terminally being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a crushed tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he observed flatly.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a missile silo, demolishing it and injuring 8. Police suspect the Allison Young Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have heartily protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from snail netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Floyd, a chronically unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served cool hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying desalinization plants.