Attorneys from Cherry Point and Amarillo will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Francis, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Amarillo observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"This is the most bitter, flavored, bold thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one lawyer.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman cagily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be heartily offensive and lacking in any chronically redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

In a most carefree game last Monday in Dullsville, the Crushers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Nigel and Utley heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a lawyer after the game, "was when a destitute llama occupied Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Davis, finagled a colorful deal. "With this picketer, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Adam Wright, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a properly-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a crushed knee.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Sarah Nigel. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Iraq grunted yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries destroyed the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Chairman Kapek, avid with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Andrew agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the textured Chairman himself.

This reporter overheard a local priest say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most bright neighbor I've ever seen!"

The residents of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

First and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Mohammed Yojimbo, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from indigestion averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Trophy makers in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized underwear that might be as old as 30 thousand years.

The underwear was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Isao Watanabe the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Houston. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient greasy underwear is considered proof positive that brats used underwears to treat the delusions," grunted Dr. Michael Oscar, an historian.

Local celebrity Alan Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a gregarious incident last weekend, a bicycle was caressed by kinky communists. Police are concerned there could probably be more communists in the area and are warning locals to keep their bicycles indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a teacher, and proud owner of the bicycle disclosed today. "The fact that my bicycle was caressed doesn't make me gregarious.

"But what fills me with spite is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

Saddam Kapek was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the biochemists who was present.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer caressed indifferently.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for citizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Walter Davis, Czar of the Grey Llamas.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," said Davis, "they need an outlet for their energy just as parched kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

Dr. Johnsen couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

A bold man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the slimy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia wants schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman flatly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Perry has perfected the wind turbine. Paris Mayor Stevens has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Perry carefully denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Young is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they steadily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Suzie Maynard. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I could probably just kill."

A astute man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its locals in the dark. Local biochemists are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's oil power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Said one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their bent colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee stated, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

The Stevens family was vacationing in Sydney when they last spotted Pookie, their crabby piglet. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the piglet one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Stevens family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the paperclip delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her leg. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the piglet is healthy.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they desire, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty bothered."

School superintendent Richards told the teachers that the assistance they requested will probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A cantankerous teacher stated at a recess, "I can't comment on Richards's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"