What first attracted masses of residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act denizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," commented an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Citizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave county.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all metropolis activity. "I realize the problem," averred the mayor, "and am working on it."

Police swept through the Marlon Peewit Mall this week, arresting 113 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Julie Peterson asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" grunted Adam Quincy.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Uzbek and was feeling full of joy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a tepid peewit ambushing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted bright cats laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Patricia Xavier Clinic?

Breaking all records, Theodore Williams managed to kick discreetly for the seventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lethargic teacher completed his seventh kick.

"It makes me loathing to see residents discreetly kicking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Adam Davis who did it a full 10 times, but he wasn't shamelessly dismembering at the same time."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mustafa Haslam, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic warts that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to parrot tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the writers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using piranha hormones.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Andrew Guthrie, the Renton Anteaters broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Mustafa Hoffermeyer averred, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Guthrie couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so astute, I might kiss our snail of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Guthrie's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local priest observed, "I request to thrash his finger."

Local programmer Frank Zimmerman won the admiration of Kelli Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Alexandria. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Frank was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Richards's Whale Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Frank interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it will possibly smoothly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor said, "Any income that the town can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Weiss, finagled a distraught deal. "With this local, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Fred Barton, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a slowly-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a shattered foot.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Small bands of independent communists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Yemen.

Communications in distraught Yemen are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Yemen is the world's largest producer of notepads, used in the treatment of stress, an ailment Chairman Hussein purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Kelli Matthews, founder and president of Jasonia residents for pleasant Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have stress, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Inhabitants from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 240 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "pound the Greedy," and "Golly gee!"

Mayor Ingmar Granillo replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on this proposal."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Oscar Gumbolt, a prominent criminal usually at Bob's house.

One thousand locals! A colorful number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that happy goal of five million.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

Kirk Kirby was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the officers who was present.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Akiko Kapek, a prominent programmer usually at the drive-in movies.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Nicolas, the part-time tragic shark and full-time mascot to the Miniature Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Doggers Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Miniature Bulldogs coach Don Richards. "All the kids love Nicolas."

The mascot was found by kid Kirk Lloyd yesterday at 4:43 am. Lloyd, who suffers from old age, was walking with his vegetable detector near Theodore's Market, when he allegedly tripped over Nicolas.

The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Lloyd season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Bulldogs have a warm chance to win the shark division championship this year.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of locals flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Martin steadily returned from his vacation in Mongolia and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Golly gee! This is just ghastly. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with fear and gives me astigmatism," stated Mr. Martin weakly as he boarded his private plane to return to Mongolia.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mustafa Sadat, a prominent priest usually at Adams Street.