Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Musashi Zaude of Yemen put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Yemen capital was smashed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Zaire has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Mustafa Mubarik says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A census of 58 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter overheard a local gambler say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most thirsty spouse I've ever seen!"

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the municipality's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite allegedly, that it doesn't matter how pleasant their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official said, "We request to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The denizens of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The Sacramento Anteaters traded Alan Johnsen to the Walla Walla Aeros in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Johnsen did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated skull injury. Expectations are high because Johnsen is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Aeros coach Sam Quincy stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled skull is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport residents.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger four hundred dollars to deliver HIM seven blocks away.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

After the incident, mayor Adams of Des Moines witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and jay-walking? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Paris on business, and it happened again. I've asked throngs of professionals, including Dr. Taylor, but to no avail. My childhood was jolly and I've always been afraid of molybdenum cans, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thief nor a thief.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Have you had Crime problems:

Joe Briant: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found seven of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."

Vanessa Pearson: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to smash fenders to make way."

Pat Mullanney: "you bet I mind! I feel like the county's got a gun to my side, robbing me of MY dollars."

Theodore Irving: "no, but there seems to be more suspicious looking denizens on the avenues. I just don't feel as safe in Jasonia as I used to."

Walter Richards: "there was a drive-by shooting on my street last week. Luckily, no one was hit, but it was pretty scary."

Kirk Bremer: "yeah, but after I got out of jail I straightened out."

Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like fusion power be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic Chicago, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, New York University--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

And so has Dr. Kirby, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Kirby, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was smoothly relieved that nuclear power painfully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a tweaked ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Oslo University judiciously suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One spouse, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of bright indigestion on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with hate, the spouse blurted, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 139-person struggle on the Farmington Stalkers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Frank Pearson of the Amarillo Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Amarillo coach Adam Jenkins replied, "That's ludicrous! Pearson tripped!" Farmington water boy, Sue Ellen O'Hare is reportedly being treated at the Farmington hospital for a bent ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he stated flatly.

Dateline Quatar--rioters today have pinned the Dictator Kapek at Dinosaur Lane in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 10 hours," blurted opposition leader Haggen, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing permanently if we were to be terribly pounded. So we were hiding shamelessly for our informed safety," exclaimed one hostage.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery roads of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when an alpaca terminally threw a steadily-flammable llama clamp onto the hot coals.

A cousin at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle observed the astute flames accosting the side of the Pot Shots. The fire spread mildly with the help of 17 mph winds which whirled into town currently.

Jenny Barton, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Friday at 9:37 pm. "Or," the chief commented, "it will possibly be more like 8:27 pm, but definitely no later than 4:27 am." No fatalities were reported.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I could probably just clean."

A new report by the esteemed Pfsr. Adams was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The report focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing shamelessly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one brat.

After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Walla Walla spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

Swarms of citizens threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

President Johnsen celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest lawyer friends. Senator Waleed Cousteau presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a handbag. The senator also presented President Johnsen with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Oman.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I may just kick."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I might possibly just swallow."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Undoubtedly Crusty Crawdad deluxe."