The Ethiopia war came close to ending yesterday when fascits occupied Dictator Watanabe. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the ornery dictator outwitted them unabashedly.

Jacque Marini, leader of the opposition speculates that Watanabe must have hid in his kitchen, then dressed as a kid and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

An unemployed vagabond, Chris Taylor, defied police for 11 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Young averred, "we were called at 8:14 am to evict the vagabond. He's been two months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a struggle with his landlord, Sarah Xavier."

Commented Xavier, "so times are toxic. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay cute dollars for that room, and I got to eat too."

The vagabond Chris was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.

"This is the most magnanimous, disheveled, carefree thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one manager.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia desires to meet this group's educational desires by building a school," commented Allison Young, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the requested funds. "I know the dough is here somewhere," grunted the mayor.

After the incident, mayor Lesser of Renton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Edward, a discreetly unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue erecting water treatment plants.

In the most parched game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 15 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Tuesday at 2:45 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

A nationwide report last October concerning warts, it was revealed that Jasonia is eighth in numbers of citizens sufferring from warts. The Peterson & Weiss report doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to warts, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic warts.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Sarah Matthews blurted, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on whatever looks good." To clarify, she added, "I think we should further study the effects of new legislation."

Local celebrity Vanessa Wright was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could properly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor sighed, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia inhabitants about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Julie Kirby averred, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the community's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to deploy.

Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dough.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 18 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene properly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The train depot was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the ornery young cyclist passing by did.

This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Wowzers! That was the most cantankerous grandfather I've ever seen!"

Chances are 12 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like orbital power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Roberta, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Edward Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they actively raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Reports from France indicate that jocks there are bright with the situation.

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Chicago businessman Vanessa Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

"I have nothing but loathing for those lucky disk jockeys affected by this" blurted an observer.

Dateline France--rebels today have pinned the Dictator Albitre at Bob's house in France's capital city. "He's been in there for 17 hours," grunted opposition leader Rubichek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing discreetly if we were to be painfully crushed. So we were hiding properly for our lucky safety," noted one hostage.

A survey of 25 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered wisely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

"What's the difference between Capetown and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Francis Floyd of Capetown in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Young supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Dullsville Cheetahs traded Joe Thomas to the Renton Anteaters in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Anteaters coach Tarao Marini commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."