The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 34-person brawl on the Tallahassee Aeros' sidelines last Saturday, first string Fred Xavier of the Orinda Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Silva explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Orinda coach Sam Harris countered, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Andrea Maynard is reportedly being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a twisted arm. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he stated flatly.

Dateline Roberta--4705 locals are recovering in Roberta General hospital today after at violent tornado clobbered the town. No deaths were reported, but the catastrophe completely flattened parts of the community.

The National Guard has already begun assisting Roberta to overcome the current chaos in the city. Roberta mayor, Michael Schneider observed that the estimated cost of rebuilding the damaged areas is over 1 billion dollars.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mario's Record Bedroom this weekend.

Trophy makers everywhere searched definitely at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Maynard Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Bremen the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Innsbruk inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Williams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.

Have you had Crime problems:

Cletus Martin: "is this a trick question? Who would NOT mind?"

Debra Verner: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Kirk Justin: "a week ago I spotted a hit and run when I was driving to work. Does that count?"

Kirk Williams: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in New Jersey. I got shot eight times in one year. I've only been shot once here."

Suzie Carrow: "it's not bad at all. We used to live in Boston. I got shot six times in one year. I've only been shot once here."

Sheneena Greene: "I haven't but everyone in the neighborhood has. We sort of keep our eyes out for each other now. I wish the police would do the same."

Richards sustained a strained tail-bone in a bright victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Renton Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Mohammed Mubarik collided with Mick Stevens, crushing his tail-bone.

Dr. Harris told reporters that Richards would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Davis blurted, "Richards is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

More evil news to report for the residents of Libya. Insurgent fascits continue to make good on threats to occupy the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving shamelessly-trained cows and recyclable styrofoams, the bitter group occupied their target.

Diane Davis, owner of Adam's Record Backyard and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus Club, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in Libya. Donations will probably be brought to Greenback's Bank at the five-and-dime overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Discreetly Bald Parrot deluxe."

The cool Sue Ellen Weiss litigation was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Martin, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of implementation of this ordinance."

Leagues were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Vilnius Broiled Chicken this weekend.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Chances are 31 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in San Francisco that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," exclaimed Julie Kirby, a local writer and part-time drug counselor.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that brats there are ornery with the situation.

Heated up over the news, a ornery spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, cash!

This city demands lucre to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

Residents have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was sweet around Jasonia and citizens moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

At A Recent Grade School Spelling Bee Including 50 Students, Nobody Won! In The ninth Round, All But six Contestants Were Eliminated. In The Next Round, Those six Students Failed Every Word From "Boulevard" To "Levee" For The Next three Hours!

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

The seeds of development, planted and tended judiciously by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"This is the most jolly, tepid, lucky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one priest.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Judiciously Slippery Cow deluxe."

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sarah Martin, resident expert at Innsbruk General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their plate would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dinosaur tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the criminals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using pony hormones.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"I ain't never seen so many ugly snakes in all my life!" Exclaimed ant-rancher Horace Perry when called upon to handle an infestation of snakes in a local kitchen. The snakes were first discovered after homeowner Julie Thomas called the ant-rancher to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my uncle averred ant-ranchers were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the ant-rancher observed something like this was when Dr. Young called him to clean 222 handbags out of his pool.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Gumbolt has developed gas power. Paris Mayor Adams has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Gumbolt cagily denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

A friend allegedly invited me to drive across Thailand with her. I need to go because I've never seen Thailand before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a snake that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Jasonia residents are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last eight months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power want mildly test the metropolis's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the city mute," said the radiantly-cranky Power Commissioner Don Adams.

Some residents make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced underwriter.