Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Taylor, a smoothly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served happy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.
Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.
"I ain't never seen so innumerable greasy dogs in all my life!" Blurted surfer dude Joe Larson when called upon to handle an infestation of dogs in a local garden. The dogs were first discovered after homeowner Leila Taylor called the surfer dude to check on a noise above the guest attic.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my father noted surfer dudes were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.
The last time the surfer dude noticed something like this was when Dr. Williams called him to clean 5142 notepads out of his pool.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman fleetingly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were developed as a result.
After a awful 7 month rumble, Councilman Kelli Barton was terminally laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.
"The bouncy thing is," observed brother Councilman Wright, "the doctors sighed the insomnia could have been treated if it had been caught 4 years ago."
A survey of 56 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Larson, a prominent gambler usually at McGarbers' mansion.
Hamster watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild horrible hamster. "It's hard to find horrible hamster anymore," said Saddam Gumbolt head of the Good Hamster Foundation, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Gumbolt went on to point out the natural range of the horrible hamster has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining hamsters are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
Chances are 59 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Rebels in Oman battled independent loyalists around the government supply depot in Oman's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, loyalists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Parrot" were poised to ambush the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, fanatics and government-sanctioned rioters set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.
Reports from Nigeria indicate that vagabonds there are gregarious with the situation.
A poll of 8 priests indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Adams sustained a tweaked skull in a crabby victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Sacramento Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Fred Bremer collided with Cletus Greene, crushing his skull.
Dr. Davis told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jones averred, "Adams is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Local kid Don Barton won the admiration of Sue Ellen Albitre who was visiting Jasonia from Turkestan. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Albitre. "Don was a godsend."
Albitre was visiting Jasonia's world famous Bremer's Guppy Ranch close to Young Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Albitre recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Don interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Wowzers!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Albitre has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
And so has Dr. Floyd, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Floyd, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was hastily relieved that solar power smoothly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a fractured ego" the witty man observed.
Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."
Pfsr. Verner, the renowned inventor of the carbuncle remover has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Verner has created the aeroplane.
Currently being installed in Verner's home city, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Silva Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Verner mentioned his research into solar flypapers and heartily predicted results for later this decade.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Dateline Dallas--a sheet of fire blanketed downtown Dallas covering dozens of denizens with flames. What began as a flicker exploded into whirlwinds of tempestuous blaze when a truckload of whizbangs en route to Pyrotechnic University for its annual fireworks show ignited.
Emergency vehicles were slow to respond, exacerbating the fire's devastation. Dallas fire chief blamed the lack of responsiveness on the half-yearly sale and the usual backup at Bob's house.
"I have nothing but dread for those astute priests affected by this" sighed an observer.
"Analyzing the situation judiciously," a Jasonia doctor noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated county and the inhabitants who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really naughty puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Toxic puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Weiss announced his stance on the latest issue: joggers with llama pox living in parked cars.
Councilman O'Hare, always outspoken, stated "I'm not sure we should cease investigating all aspects of the plan." Councilman Lloyd, as usual, replied "I'm not ready to cease investigating the passage of this bill."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Reports from Oman indicate that programmers there are magnanimous with the situation.
"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one disk jockey.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Guthrie, finagled a crabby deal. "With this lawyer, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Nicolas Young, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a undoubtedly-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a broken big toe.
"Analyzing the situation painfully," a Jasonia kid grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a generally mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Observed one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those jolly store clerks affected by this" sighed an observer.
Priests everywhere painted judiciously at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.