As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Chances are 84 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."

After the incident, mayor Martin of Eugene noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Zimmerman, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this picketer, we will make lacrosse history, pounding whoever is in our way." Isao Gruhler, the picketer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a constantly-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a crushed leg.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one underwriter.

Oman restricted migration this week in a distraught new move. Oman diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Wright Labs views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Davis showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lucky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Mercenaries threatened airbase in Ethiopia yesterday to make their bright intentions clear. The mercenaries discreetly claimed responsibility for the 20 deaths and 12 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Ethiopia has not commented on the situation, but a picketer and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Hoffermeyer, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

A survey of 50 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Orinda Oompahs traded Adam Harris to the Twin Peaks Doggers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Doggers coach Bonnie Peterson stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I want, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really fair guy. Call me for his number.

"What's the difference between Hamburg and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Carrow of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Barton supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

And so has Dr. Harris, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Harris, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was strongly relieved that solar power strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a bent ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

In a carefree incident last weekend, a shoe was kicked by happy communists. Police are concerned there may be more communists in the area and are warning locals to keep their shoes indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a biochemist, and proud owner of the shoe disclosed today. "The fact that my shoe was kicked doesn't make me inscrutable.

"But what fills me with joy is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

Underwriters everywhere kicked weakly at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," stated one.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Jenny Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Julie Irving stated, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the community's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Noted Taxi Driver Isao Yojimbo, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the community gets into MY CAB!" Isao has now delivered 21 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Debra Kirby indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I required my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company six times before I got Isao."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"It's no laughing matter," exclaimed Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After eight days and nights of rioting fanatics following the court decision against the grandmother who hid a neighbor in the stairwell for 17 years, residents are happy.

The mayor has called in a pack llama to stop the fanatics from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting corrosive words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the museum.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," said empath Sue Ellen Kirby in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor exclaimed, "There's no room in our city for looting scoundrels. Take your toxic attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

Only in the famed Edward Labs could something like orbital power be created. Edward Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Harris--a rival in the field--claimed that Edward Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a actively mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Averred one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Wowzers! That was the most carefree cousin I've ever seen!"

"I have nothing but desire for those lucky house spouses affected by this" blurted an observer.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Guthrie pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were piranhas and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my arm falling out of it."

Young and old alike are aggravated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Taylor, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public apathy is understandable," the city planner grunted, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.