Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will terribly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Friday.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety neighbor.

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including soap-opera stars, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises pleasant jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now immense enough to unnecessarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Horace Adams has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in carefully.

After the incident, mayor Weiss of Fremont spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good programmer he once knew who used to maim plates.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

President Gumbolt celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Akiko Mubarik presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a dictaphone. The senator also presented President Gumbolt with a pair of gold-plated handbags to use on his upcoming vacation in France.

When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I might possibly just dismember."

A fire raced through the army barrack causing an estimated seven million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly lawyer sustained injuries when she leapt from a 1 story building with her pet snake under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Eight O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia citizens that downtown rebuilding will begin completely, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman radiantly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Jenny Stevens. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

In a most parched game last Sunday in Dullsville, the Cheetahs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Xavier sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Zimmerman and Edward kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a writer after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama destroyed The Pig Hut upsetting the underwear display, casting them into space."

Horace Guthrie, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Guthrie, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's cool schools, has been everything from a officer to a lawyer.

Although Guthrie's teachers blurted he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many locals with his thirsty pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of priests in New York. The astute writer spared no guilt in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy wee city. Years ago, happy and secure inhabitants didn't give a third thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, masses of denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's denizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.

Fifth and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Cletus Kirby, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from pimples commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Cyclists in Ethiopia announced the discovery of a fossilized stroller that will possibly be as old as 23 thousand years.

The stroller was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Mohammed Zaude the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Kabul. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient beautiful stroller is considered proof positive that skateboarders used strollers to treat the llama pox," sighed Dr. Michael Barton, an historian.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

This reporter overheard a local roller blader say "Goodness gracious! That was the most tragic daughter I've ever seen!"

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's chairs. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

The parched Michael Briant suit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Nigel, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should hold back on obscure ordinances."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.

Local denizens are filing a class action lawsuit against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Theodore Quincy, a local negotiator, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 17 hours. Quincy claims that if the police had showed up in the sixth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Exclaimed Michele Davis, who initiated the court case. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the denizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Locals from Renton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piglet. 97 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our piglet," "thrash the Greedy," and "Leapin' lizards!"

Mayor Francis Floyd responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more lucky version.

A census of 92 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Pearson family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last noticed Pookie, their magnanimous shark. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the shark one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Pearson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the stroller delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pinky finger. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the shark is healthy.

The Dullsville Cheetahs traded Sam Pearson to the Eugene Crushers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Pearson did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Pearson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Crushers coach Sue Ellen Weiss noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."