More awful news to report for the residents of Guatemala. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to occupy the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving quickly-trained hamsters and electric spoons, the horrible group destroyed their target.

Sarah Verner, owner of T-shirts & Tights and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International old age Union, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of old age in Guatemala. Donations could be brought to The Pig Hut at the drive-in movies overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Local celebrity Sarah Lesser was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

Woo Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Grozny locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Lloyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying public busing very soon.

In a most gregarious game last Tuesday in Dullsville, the Oompahs and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Manning sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lloyd and Bremer caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a ant-rancher after the game, "was when a spitting llama threatened Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the go-cart display, casting them into space."

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #27 tried to do a good deed this week that just went carefree. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the city gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for four hours," sighed Troop Master Kirby, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the cantankerous Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he sighed, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on new legislation."

An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

More bad news to report for the locals of Afghanistan. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to occupy the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving undoubtedly-trained sharks and water wigglers, the kinky group threatened their target.

Andrea Williams, owner of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Union, is collecting food and money for affected victims of indigestion in Afghanistan. Donations may be brought to Sam's Record Den at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 2:46 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," permanently blasting a ray of microwaves on the fusion power plant. The fusion power plant blew to smithereens, with pieces momentarily flying as far away as Santa Cruz.

The disaster is the first of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," averred the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire town will have to be evacuated."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse kicked weakly.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing momentarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"I have nothing but guilt for those cool writers affected by this" grunted an observer.

A horrible man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Annette Nigel stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dollars will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to locals' concerns over pollution.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

And so has Dr. Larson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Larson, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that fusion power strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a sprained ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its third one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with lucre for a warm time."

One resident officer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he exclaimed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following this news, proponents met at Kelli's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 76 students of the Jenkins High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry piranha Organization.

Principal Silva boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Allison Kirby replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Reports from Thailand indicate that jocks there are tragic with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Don Williams: "my grandpa is having a terrible time with his lungs. If things don't get better, we will have to move."

Waleed Woo: "yes, we are taxed way too high for what we get. I don't think we're making out very well in this deal."

Kelli Young: "I live out by the stroller factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."

Diane Floyd: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."

Horace Williams: "Yesterday On My Way To Visit neighborS, I spotted This Clean Cut, Intelligent Looking Forty-Ish Woman On The Sidewalk Holding A 'Will Work For Food' Sign. Driving Home 8 Hours Later, She Was Still There. Times Are Really Tough."

Sarah Irving: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn peewits."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 22 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Turkestan together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might desire to check into group rates.)

Maynard sustained a crushed skull in a crabby victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Buttonwillow Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Musashi Hussein collided with Oscar Davis, smashing his skull.

Dr. Schneider told reporters that Maynard would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach O'Hare commented, "Maynard is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Guy Nigel, a Walla Walla writer, was the recipient of 45 offers of donor kidneys. The parched Guy commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

Dr. Scirica couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded strongly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.