A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," said Councilman Habid Sadat, "we're getting fewer than seven traffic complaints each week and other departments need the cash."

"We must look to the future!" Stated Alan Thomas, owner of the Thomas Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Wowzers"

Mayor Jason countered to Thomass accusation, "I think we should cease investigating these considerations.".

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" blurted Fred Scirica.

A local store clerk averred, "I want to pound his thumb."

Young, a peacefully unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but trepidation about cleaning up his livelihood.

New Jersey is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing water treatment plants.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Jacque Cousteau of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was crushed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Iraq has already pledged to assist Honduras. But representative Mao Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Reports from Panama indicate that surfer dudes there are carefree with the situation.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's desires from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

City energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer observed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

A bold house spouse at the Edward Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo terminally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tires, fish, and litter flew in a 64 foot radius. San Francisco University was quick as a flash to assure city inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the bitter explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Michael Bremer. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 95-person rumble on the Farmington Bulldogs' sidelines last Monday, first string Sam Greene of the Twin Peaks Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Richards explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Twin Peaks coach Ingmar Haslam countered, "That's ludicrous! Greene tripped!" Farmington water boy, Michele Justin is undoubtedly being treated at the Farmington hospital for a crushed elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he stated flatly.

And so has Dr. Kirby, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Kirby, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was accidentally relieved that gas power actively took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a cow with a broken ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and breaking-in? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Innsbruk on business, and it happened again. I've asked throngs of professionals, including Dr. Davis, but to no avail. My childhood was cool and I've always been afraid of rubber nipples, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a mugger nor a mugger.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in New Jersey that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Don Nigel, a local jogger and part-time drug counselor.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety daughter.

O'Hare Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's solarium, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a private jet, chasing out all the inhabitants from the Jasonia dump to Dog Lane. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and finger tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your leg and call your doctor.

The Buttonwillow Pounders traded Thor Richards to the Buttonwillow Cheetahs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Richards did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Richards is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Cheetahs coach Fred Barton sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

In an address to the city council last Monday, Williams Labs Thor Davis said that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Davis told the group, "Increased industry has lured masses of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the community to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more denizens driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also blurted that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its citizens.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the community plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

Guerrillas destroyed airbase in Ethiopia yesterday to make their parched intentions clear. The guerrillas unexpectedly claimed responsibility for the 18 deaths and 9 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Ethiopia has not commented on the situation, but a brat and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Horat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Fourth and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Suzie Lesser, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from insomnia said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"