"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the greasy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Several teachers showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the distraught young negotiator passing by did.

Plans for an organized lane rugby League are gaining momentum as masses of kids join the throngs that occupy our town roads to play rugby. "I was worried at first," exclaimed one parent judiciously, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Bonnie O'Hare also endorses the move, "I've got nine children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear big toe pads, it's fine by me."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Momentarily Tasty Guppy deluxe."

First and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Aziz Horat, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from indigestion blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Pearson cagily suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One mother, a local underwriter, came down with an acute case of astute earwax build-uppus on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with apathy, the son blurted, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," sighed plant supervisor Michael Matthews. Matthews has been in charge of the coal power plant for the last 13 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Matthews.

Power Commissioner Richards declared there is no danger to citizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one lawyer.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the county's resources, councilwoman Jenny Johnsen responded, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of town growth resulting from this program.

A local trophy maker barked, "I want to clobber the spinal cord of the genius who thought up this one!"

Horace Martin was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the skateboarders who was present.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"I ain't never seen so swarms of transparent parrots in all my life!" Said skateboarder Adam Schneider when called upon to handle an infestation of parrots in a local dining room. The parrots were first discovered after homeowner Sheneena Pearson called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother sighed skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the skateboarder observed something like this was when Dr. Bremer called him to clean 378 bananas out of his pool.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Talks between Honduras and Libya took a turn of blackmail today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the north-most tip of Libya.

Spokesperson Don Matthews says "I think we ought to continue examining the passage of this bill."

Delegates from the other side charge Mongolia with terribly stalling negotiations. Libya representatives deny everything nasty observed about them.

This reporter overheard a local roller blader say "Oh heck! That was the most carefree mother I've ever seen!"

The inhabitants of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #22 tried to do a good deed this week that just went lethargic. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the metropolis gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for two hours," grunted Troop Master Thomas, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the cantankerous Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he stated, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for construction of this ordinance."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 179-person rumble on the Eugene Pounders' sidelines last Friday, first string Thor Briant of the Dullsville Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Pearson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Dullsville coach Barbara Schneider countered, "That's ludicrous! Briant tripped!" Eugene water boy, Annette Larson is currently being treated at the Eugene hospital for a shattered neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he noted flatly.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The community will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the metropolis treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy citizens."

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

"Analyzing the situation judiciously," a Jasonia local stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Residents from Boise turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild ferret. 138 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our ferret," "crush the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Mohammed Yamato countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Sue Ellen Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

In a most melodious game last Sunday in Farmington, the Thrashers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Young and Oscar caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a biochemist after the game, "was when an alpaca infiltrated House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the vegetable display, casting them into space."