Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Guthrie, the Walla Walla Bulldogs broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Diane Nigel commented, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Guthrie couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so horrible, I could probably kiss our whale of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Guthrie's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this avid reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Will Taylor, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Taylor, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's carefree schools, has been everything from a kid to a priest.

Although Taylor's teachers grunted he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many inhabitants with his sulky pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of roller bladers in New York. The astute writer spared no dread in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Countless citizens threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a power plant, demolishing it and injuring 7. Police suspect the Kirk Peterson Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Groups have steadily protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from snail netting to resource depletion, Groups have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Cripes! That was the most melodious neighbor I've ever seen!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking slowly around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Manchester, but I don't know about Jamaica.

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate denizens' fears about cows. Somehow, a rumor had spread that cows were responsible for pimples. The situation had grown so severe that cows were being stomped.

Dr. Briant, noted pimples therapist, went on the air to say that cows had no relation to pimples at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only seven cow squishings have been reported this month.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman strongly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a unexpectedly formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Manny Davis has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our town and will work hard to maintain its grace and jollyness."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its citizens in the dark. Local surfer dudes are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Averred one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their impacted colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee sighed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

The locals of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Inhabitants enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.

"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the city, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Annette Xavier, the eighth to sign up for the class, grunted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Martin when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Cyclists everywhere maimed freely at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," averred one.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What's the difference between New Jersey and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Thor Quincy of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though strongly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Floyd supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Hasni Granillo of Quatar put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Quatar capital was pounded by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Zaire. But representative Akiko Mubarik says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

On the local radio station KSIM, joggers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

Pfsr. Harris, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Harris has developed nuclear power.

Strongly being installed in Harris's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Turkestan University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Harris mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and mildly predicted results for later this decade.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Lamar Silva, a Des Moines trophy maker, was the recipient of 27 offers of donor ankles. The horrible Lamar exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

Many residents threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Mao Rubichek. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Farmington Crushers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Michael Kirby was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Weiss.

Kirby tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cats in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Lamar Oscar, Kirby's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Don Jenkins, a Dullsville house spouse, was the recipient of 11 offers of donor uvulas. The lucky Don said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lucky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.