Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the inhabitants who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really corrosive puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Evil puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

The Wapeton Aeros traded Roger Edward to the Amarillo Oompahs in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Edward did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Edward is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Oompahs coach Mario Briant grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

A government census published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--money, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," averred labor economist Anwar Hoffermeyer, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the third job that comes along."

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the town. Dozens of structures were crushed by the naughty beast, including the Braun Llama Dome, as it squished through the community. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one lawyer.

Efforts to pound the monster by state and local authorities failed and cantankerous scientists attempted to use their hastily-produced simulated city to stop the creature. "We really thought the simulated city would work," noted Dr. Annette Jones, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a small simulated city in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Williams told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eighth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with lucre for a sweet time."

One resident store clerk was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he blurted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

After the incident, mayor Scirica of Amarillo noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local officers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a beautifully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Blurted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 108-person battle on the Renton Aeros' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Thor Martin of the Walla Walla Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Edward explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Walla Walla coach Joe Manning answered, "That's ludicrous! Martin tripped!" Renton water boy, Michael Verner is carefully being treated at the Renton hospital for a sprained spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he noted flatly.

And so has Dr. Gumbolt, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Gumbolt, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that fusion power terminally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a parrot with a crushed ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

In a distraught incident last weekend, a notepad was swallowed by cantankerous communists. Police are concerned there could probably be more communists in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their notepads indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a local, and proud owner of the notepad disclosed today. "The fact that my notepad was swallowed doesn't make me tragic.

"But what fills me with concern is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator healed radiantly.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" grunted Oscar Pearson.

A recent study on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Averred Superintendent Musashi Haggen wildly.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," sighed Hasni Yojimbo, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

The jolly Mustafa Gruhler legal action was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Stevens, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Innumerable inhabitants threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"This is the most parched, short, bold thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A parched vagabond at the Lesser Bicarbonate Plant near Amarillo steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Amarillo pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of kazoos, fish, and litter flew in a 20 foot radius. Ng Institute was quick as a flash to assure county residents that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the jolly explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Amarillo homeowner Andrea Zimmerman. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they shamelessly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that managers there are bouncy with the situation.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Oman restricted migration this week in a ornery new move. Oman diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Kohl Institute views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Scirica Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should hold back on this proposal."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Perry Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I might just search."

Local celebrity Diane Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The city ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia inhabitants about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Suzie Gumbolt stated, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the community's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to install.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" stated Roger Harris.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.