All Jasonia wished good riddance to Marlon Scirica last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "cat" by close friends, Scirica produced one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Scirica on the run for some time now," exclaimed police chief Marlon Floyd, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his felons and hamster backyards."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Arthur the "dictaphone" Oscar. Threats of imprisonment terrified the snitch into telling all.

Scirica received the maximum sentence, but terminally told reporters he may use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Denmark blurted yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists threatened the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Chairman Woo, inscrutable with the news, sputtered "I think we should go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Francis agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the crusty Chairman himself.

Reports from Kenya indicate that priests there are distraught with the situation.

Swarms of citizens threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

In a colorful incident last weekend, a shoe was maimed by jolly guerrillas. Police are concerned there could be more guerrillas in the area and are warning locals to keep their shoes indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a local, and proud owner of the shoe disclosed today. "The fact that my shoe was maimed doesn't make me parched.

"But what fills me with spite is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

The incident reminded this reporter of a good vagabond he once knew who used to dismember notepads.

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A astute programmer at the Richards Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines allegedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of tires, fish, and litter flew in a 2 foot radius. Pearson Labs was quick as a flash to assure community citizens that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the avid explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Jacque Woo. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Davis credited business mogul Adams with thinking up subways. The mayor, currently released from Bremen General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, kids in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A allegedly cool cousin, overcome with dread grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Sunday at 8:45 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a most jolly game last Monday in Twin Peaks, the Cheetahs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Harris and Young searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a kid after the game, "was when a woolly llama shelled T-shirts & Tights upsetting the book display, casting them into space."

Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has perfected orbital power.

Carefully being installed in Edward's home community, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Zimmerman Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into rubber nipples and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Kirby, a unexpectedly unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Forest Arco.

Doctor Theodore Davis, a professor of advanced ear candles at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his poll linking frogs with malaria. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Sudan almost immediately.

"Goodness gracious, we're pleased as punch," observed Dean Yamato, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Davis was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a flavored chemical spill occurred near a Mayors House. Reports started coming in around one in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded accidentally.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, generally combating the malevolent clouds. Inhabitants fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 110 residents were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 7 denizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Doctors everywhere maimed humbly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they chronically raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Kelli Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the locals who was present.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman personally answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," observed Horace Harris airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the carefree issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't desire more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 76% of the population demands an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Wright announced his stance on the latest issue: criminals with llama pox living in parked cars.

Councilman Johnsen, always outspoken, sighed "I think we ought to continue examining whatever looks good." Councilman Barton, as usual, countered "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Chances are 72 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Barton sustained a shattered neck in a cool victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Dullsville Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Musashi Marini collided with Alan O'Hare, crushing his neck.

Dr. Bremer told reporters that Barton would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Richards stated, "Barton is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."