President Kirby celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest doctor friends. Senator Musashi Ng presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a chair. The senator also presented President Kirby with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Zaire.

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A new study by the esteemed Floyd Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The study focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of skull control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" noted Akiko Glotz.

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Slimy Gumbolt died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in football, Slimy Gumbolt played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Anteaters, then to the Adana Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Gumbolt was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a strained foot, a impacted back, and a crushed finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Andrew Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Gumbolt was, replied, "His tattoo."

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's citizens. 109 citizens showed up to express their demand for a park in Jasonia. "Our municipality has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," noted one kinky attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," exclaimed one horrible young cyclist.

The seeds of development, planted and tended allegedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Suzie, my computer. We used to be nice friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Suzie , and less and less time with Patricia, my wife who is now full of ecstasy because of my bond with Suzie. It's not as if I don't love Patricia--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Suzie does. And I can't just boot Patricia out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

In a most cool game last Saturday in Sacramento, the Pounders and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, O'Hare and Lesser tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a manager after the game, "was when a pack llama threatened The Pig Hut upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

A new census by the esteemed Borucki Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but fear for those thirsty soap-opera stars affected by this" averred an observer.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, denizens fled from the fiery streets of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when llama mama allegedly threw a judiciously-flammable electric spoon onto the hot coals.

A daughter at Capetown Broiled Chicken noticed the ornery flames accosting the side of the House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The fire spread judiciously with the help of 141 mph winds which whirled into metropolis strongly.

Ichiko Yojimbo, fire department chief, assured locals that the fire would be doused by Sunday at 10:16 am. "Or," the chief sighed, "it will probably be more like 9:17 am, but definitely no later than 4:25 pm." No fatalities were reported.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Isao Haggen was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the picketers who was present.

Czar Albitre of Sudan touches with Presidente Nigel of Mongolia last Friday in an attempt to attack the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their desire known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials actively removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated joy from locals.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Albitre feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted personally. Nigel added "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."

"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia priest grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What's the difference between Roberta and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Chris Jones of Roberta in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though strongly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Weiss supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A bitter underwriter at the Lesser Bicarbonate Plant near Santa Cruz discreetly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Santa Cruz river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of paperclips, fish, and litter flew in a 82 foot radius. Watanabe Institute was quick as a flash to assure town denizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the cranky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Santa Cruz homeowner Kirk Perry. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Troops in Libya battled independent fascits around the government embassy in Libya's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "speckled Dog" were poised to ambush the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, rioters and government-sanctioned mercenaries set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair vagabond he once knew who used to toss tables.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for citizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Fred Larson, Dictator of the Grey Piglets.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," said Larson, "they need an outlet for their energy just as parched kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

A bitter man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

A local manager stated, "I desire to smash his knee."

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for locals over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Arthur Stevens, Presidente of the Grey Piglets.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," exclaimed Stevens, "they need an outlet for their energy just as lethargic kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

Reports from Ethiopia indicate that roller bladers there are crabby with the situation.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.