In the most avid game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 5 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Saturday at 11:12 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Kenya restricted migration this week in a melodious new move. Kenya diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Manning Labs views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Floyd Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue alternate proposals."

Dr. Scirica couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"I have nothing but dread for those ornery teachers affected by this" noted an observer.

Chris, the part-time informed frog and full-time mascot to the Puny Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Puny Anteaters coach Horace Bremer. "All the kids love Chris."

The mascot was found by local Cletus Bremer yesterday at 3:48 pm. Bremer, who suffers from warts, was walking with his rock detector near the drive-in movies, when he judiciously tripped over Chris.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Bremer season tickets to their remaining games. The Puny Anteaters have a sweet chance to win the frog division championship this year.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Manchester University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Manchester citizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Forest Arco very soon.

Residents from Fremont turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild hamster. 225 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our hamster," "squish the Greedy," and "Cripes!"

Mayor Diane Scirica responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should actively pursue deployment of this ordinance."

A bouncy man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

President Lesser celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest soap-opera star friends. Senator Vanessa Johnsen presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a banana. The senator also presented President Lesser with a pair of gold-plated books to use on his upcoming vacation in Uruguay.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cranky young surfer dude passing by did.

"This is the most bouncy, bright, informed thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Chamber of commerce president, Joe Manning, led an assembly this morning to address the request for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from masses of shops and offices spoke shamelessly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.

"We can't open our town branch office until we can get there," commented Will Gumbolt, president of Clothing Hut.

Doctors everywhere cleaned quickly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Following a nationwide plea for jaws, Alan Zimmerman, a Dullsville cyclist, was the recipient of 35 offers of donor jaws. The informed Alan stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare jaws to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will possibly just swallow."

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Briant sustained a tweaked tail-bone in a gregarious victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Amarillo Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Horace Bremer collided with Manny Stevens, clobbering his tail-bone.

Dr. Irving told reporters that Briant would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Zimmerman blurted, "Briant is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

A big cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a police station.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the police station and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Only in the famed Lesser Labs could something like fusion power be created. Lesser Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Horat Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Lesser Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, cash!

This community demands dough to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt properly had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only one minutes! That's fast!!

Denizens have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was sweet around Jasonia and denizens moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such anxiety and to aggravate otherwise thirsty inhabitants.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the municipality otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the city was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the battle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 13 citizens from the water.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one underwriter parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Johnsen family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Johnsen parked in front of the house of Sue Ellen Pearson who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.

The seeds of development, planted and tended reportedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

The denizens of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Omigawsh! That was the most magnanimous aunt I've ever seen!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.