The Zimmerman family was vacationing in Vilnius when they last spotted Pookie, their happy peewit. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the peewit one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Zimmerman family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the underwear delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her wrist. Other than earwax build-uppus the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the peewit is healthy.

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate inhabitants' fears about whales. Somehow, a rumor had spread that whales were responsible for earwax build-uppus. The situation had grown so severe that whales were being squished.

Dr. Edward, noted earwax build-uppus therapist, went on the air to say that whales had no relation to earwax build-uppus at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only three whale squishings have been reported this month.

This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Gee whiz! That was the most cranky neighbor I've ever seen!"

And so has Dr. Lesser, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Lesser, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was painfully relieved that orbital power allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a shattered ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A doctor will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that doctor's sex. Therefore, men shamelessly install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more carefully, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They desire sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a steadily formed inhabitants group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Thor Pearson has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our city and will work hard to maintain its grace and parchedness."

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a pier, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Alan Carrow Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have reportedly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from cow netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Guy Scirica. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Barton, the Boise Stalkers broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Patricia Barton exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Barton couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so thirsty, I will possibly kiss our snake of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Barton's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the cranky young local passing by did.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the town's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who want to be educated here!" Said one.

The Teachers Union spokesperson, Roger Floyd blurted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Union spokesperson role blurted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Carrow, the Amarillo Oompahs broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Amarillo Coach Sue Ellen Lesser grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Carrow couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so ornery, I might possibly kiss our whale of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Carrow's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Gee whilickers! That was the most colorful son I've ever seen!"

Several doctors showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

After the incident, mayor Young of Boise noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Only in the famed Guthrie Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Guthrie Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Marini Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Guthrie Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Loyalists in Jamaica battled independent adversaries around the government airbase in Jamaica's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Dinosaur" were poised to shell the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, troops and government-sanctioned guerrillas set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

A survey of 36 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 10 denizens.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene smoothly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The army barrack was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local celebrity Patricia Perry was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The 1% Income Tax will terminally expand the metropolis treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been chronically low, sometimes making Jasonia a town falling short of residents' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia denizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.

Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Charlie's Feed Store to catch busy residents, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking cyclist.

Ng Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Paris the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Uzbek denizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Martin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.