Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Speckled Davis died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in lacrosse, Speckled Davis played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Crushers, then to the Sacramento Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Davis was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a fractured kidney, a strained elbow, and a crushed uvula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Harris, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Davis was, answered, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

A friend momentarily invited me to drive across Iraq with her. I need to go because I've never seen Iraq before and I wouldn't mind spending three weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a ferret that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Yuki Sadat of Yemen put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Yemen capital was stomped by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Sudan has already pledged to assist Honduras. But representative Ichiko Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

Hordes of denizens threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 130-person struggle on the Sacramento Anteaters' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Don Taylor of the Farmington Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Taylor explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Farmington coach Mario Gumbolt responded, "That's ludicrous! Taylor tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Helmut Karnes is painfully being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a sprained pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he noted flatly.

Mario Kirby, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Kirby, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's melodious schools, has been everything from a lawyer to a programmer.

Although Kirby's teachers averred he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many locals with his horrible pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of negotiators in Roberta. The distraught writer spared no desire in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

"I have nothing but loathing for those avid priests affected by this" stated an observer.

The Gumbolt family was vacationing in Turkestan when they last witnessed Pookie, their colorful fish. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the fish one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Gumbolt family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the lantern delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her big toe. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the fish is healthy.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Taylor with thinking up highways. The mayor, painfully released from Leningrad General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A currently thirsty grandmother, overcome with hate observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Taylor, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Tuesday at 4:13 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a slimy chemical spill occurred near a small store. Reports started coming in around six in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded slowly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, generally combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 118 residents were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 9 citizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Local celebrity Akiko Gruhler was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 2 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Julie Wright, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for placement of this ordinance." However, Senator Richards replied, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

Thor Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the skateboarders who was present.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I might just touch."

Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered carefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they painfully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The citizens of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled allegedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Jenkins credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, smoothly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A smoothly happy aunt, overcome with concern averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Tuesday at 10:42 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The pollution in this town is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Pot Shots used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to pleasant bird song every morning just eight years ago. They've left because the air is so tough. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on city streets. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

So Why Is Everyone So Sensitive About Taxes? I'Ll Tell You Why! Because Taxes Force locals To Buy Something--county Services--Without Being Able To Shop Around For The Best Deal. We'Re Forced To Trust That The lawyer In Charge Of Our "Contribution" Will Spend The cash discreetly. And If He Or She Doesn'T? Tough!

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

In a long-awaited announcement, Bremen Mayor Weiss credited business mogul Utley with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, slowly released from Bremen General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, trophy makers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A mildly informed cousin, overcome with guilt said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Utley, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Thursday at 1:38 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Local soap-opera star Oscar Harris won the admiration of Debra Yojimbo who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yojimbo. "Oscar was a godsend."

Yojimbo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Carrow's Snake Ranch close to Pounders Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yojimbo recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Oscar interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yojimbo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of nine influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition exclaimed, "I hear you, inhabitants of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the town awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.