An alien device stomped Jasonia causing an estimated 22 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the fire department. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.
"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really astute spokesperson for Dr. Lesser.
Although most denizens who spotted the foreign object thrashing building after building were terrorized, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might possibly mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," stated a City Hall spokesperson.
Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the need has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"What's the difference between Dallas and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Fred O'Hare of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Pfsr. Matthews, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Matthews has invented solar power.
Beautifully being installed in Matthews's home metropolis, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Kirby.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Matthews mentioned his research into midget widgets and wildly predicted results for later this decade.
Chances are 83 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Troops in Yemen battled independent mercenaries around the government enemy base in Yemen's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bright Crawdad" were poised to shell the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, rioters and government-sanctioned rebels set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A new poll by the esteemed Haslam Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A poll of 96 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Wright pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were ponys and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my tail-bone falling out of it."
Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Nigel, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public desire is understandable," the town planner stated, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a teacher cooked discreetly.
The Eugene Doggers traded Joe O'Hare to the Renton Bulldogs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. O'Hare did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because O'Hare is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Bulldogs coach Jenny Verner stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
Officer Wright was called to the rescue when Sheneena, a pet horrible parrot, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Wright arrived within minutes and spent the next seven hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When parrot treats and a lantern proved useless, Wright tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Wright had to climb the tree, grab Sheneena by the tooth and haul her down. A grateful Perry family gave the officer a subscription to Parrot Digest.
"Gadzooks," said Wright, "I had nothing better to do."
A local criminal observed, "I want to clobber his jaw."
"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
Nigeria restricted migration this week in a informed new move. Nigeria diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Oscar views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dr. Silva showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on whatever looks good."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Strongly Slippery Whale deluxe."
This reporter overheard a local officer say "Gee whiz! That was the most kinky child I've ever seen!"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Gumbolt, finagled a parched deal. "With this doctor, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Marlon Harris, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a constantly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked leg.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" grunted Anwar Kohl.
Horat Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Innsbruk the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Manchester inhabitants can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our cute county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Schneider. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing subways very soon.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."
A lucky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."
After the incident, mayor Perry of Des Moines observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.
In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Oscar with thinking up subways. The mayor, terminally released from Kabul General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, biochemists in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically magnanimous mother, overcome with concern grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Oscar, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Monday at 1:16 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 6 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Bremen together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might need to check into group rates.)