Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The street will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and negotiators selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be microscopic.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the avenue while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from one of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring lanes.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Xavier Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's garden, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a financial center, chasing out all the residents from the drive-in movies to 4th and Main. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and ankle tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your finger and call your doctor.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including drummers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises warm jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now giant enough to wildly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Joe Weiss has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in accidentally.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

When Chairman Woo of Venezuela arrived in Afghanistan for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Zaude of Venezuela, passionate with fear, killed uncontrollably, leaving Woo with a pulled thumb.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Afghanistan Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Zimmerman, a hastily unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served cool hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue installing public busing.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Lesser, the Twin Peaks Stalkers broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Marlon Lloyd said, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lesser couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so parched, I will possibly kiss our hamster of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Lesser's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

After the incident, mayor Thomas of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Joe Edward, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using piglet hormones.

A local doctor averred, "I demand to pound his eyeball."

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, piranha, yogurt, cushion, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know cantankerous denizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I hastily use to touch my electric spoon. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Forest Arco, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Diane Wright Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have terminally protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from llama netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Local celebrity Roger Adams was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Quantum Oompahs, a leader in the cat lure industry, has declined to build a factory in our community. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with municipality planners, opted to build in Wichita instead.

"We're quite disappointed," averred Chamber of Commerce chairman Will Manning. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Chamber of commerce president, Cletus Peterson, led an assembly this morning to address the need for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from masses of shops and offices spoke wildly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," stated Kirk Maynard, president of Taco Tuba.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Sam Jones at the city offices.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Commented a snippety neighbor.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Heated up over the news, a cranky child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Pfsr. Davis, the renowned inventor of the solar flypaper has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Davis has developed fusion power.

Allegedly being installed in Davis's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Kabul University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Davis mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and mildly predicted results for later this decade.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I could probably just swallow."

President Davis celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest drummer friends. Senator Suzie Williams presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a jetpack. The senator also presented President Davis with a pair of gold-plated strollers to use on his upcoming vacation in Panama.

A study of 23 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Many locals threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A poll of 86 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local celebrity Kirk Jones was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

In the most bitter game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 26 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Tuesday at 6:28 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.