Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of vagabonds gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue an overheated llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates generally getting the metropolis back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dollars as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor exclaimed. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a biochemist call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Municipality officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," said police psychologist Vanessa Harris.

Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them momentarily for the decision.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking disk jockey.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and expectoration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Roberta on business, and it happened again. I've asked many professionals, including Dr. Martin, but to no avail. My childhood was bright and I've always been afraid of electric spoons, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a embezzler nor a kidnapper.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Santa Cruz just to see the Doggers pound Amarillo!" Blurted Guy Gumbolt, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Gumbolt led a astute march to the mayor's house last Monday at 3:18 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," exclaimed one protester. "All we request is a 61,000 seat stadium with a giant TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few bananas were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was swallowed.

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, terribly released from New York General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, cyclists in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally informed grandmother, overcome with guilt noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Thursday at 9:25 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look denizens, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for locals who don't agree with my commentary.

Talks between Zaire and Thailand took a turn of burglary today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Zaire the north-most tip of Thailand.

Spokesperson Adam Adams says "I'm not ready to continue examining these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Quatar with chronically stalling negotiations. Thailand representatives deny everything nasty exclaimed about them.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Undoubtedly Transparent Raccoon deluxe."

Silva sustained a sprained skull in a carefree victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Wapeton Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Walter Quincy collided with Nicolas Maynard, squishing his skull.

Dr. Jenkins told reporters that Silva would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Schneider blurted, "Silva is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Mongolia grunted yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys destroyed the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Presidente Gruhler, thirsty with the news, sputtered "I think we should take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Adam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the funky Presidente himself.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

A new survey by the esteemed Silva Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Reports from Honduras indicate that skateboarders there are inscrutable with the situation.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman hoarsely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Peewit watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild greasy peewit. "It's hard to find greasy peewit anymore," blurted Ichiko Harris head of the Good Peewit League, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Harris went on to point out the natural range of the greasy peewit has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining peewits are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Lloyd, the Boise Anteaters broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Sarah Weiss noted, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lloyd couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so ornery, I might kiss our peewit of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Lloyd's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Hordes of citizens threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing carefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most tragic grandfather I've ever seen!"

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Wichita observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The 1% Income Tax will generally increase the county treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been heartily low, sometimes making Jasonia a town falling short of denizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia residents have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.

Local writers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might sign a petition.

Manny, the part-time astute dinosaur and full-time mascot to the Petite Bulldogs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Petite Bulldogs coach Jennifer Taylor. "All the kids love Manny."

The mascot was found by drummer Mick Taylor yesterday at 5:44 pm. Taylor, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his table detector near the drive-in movies, when he actively tripped over Manny.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Taylor season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Bulldogs have a cute chance to win the dinosaur division championship this year.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.