"I ain't never seen so innumerable ugly whales in all my life!" Grunted doctor Walter Bremer when called upon to handle an infestation of whales in a local garden. The whales were first discovered after homeowner Fred Pearson called the doctor to check on a noise above the guest bathroom.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt said doctors were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.

The last time the doctor witnessed something like this was when Roberta University called him to clean 747 kazoos out of his pool.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those jolly underwriters affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Fremont Stalkers traded Theodore Scirica to the Buttonwillow Oompahs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Oompahs coach Leila Manning blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including brats, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises good jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now enormous enough to completely constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Sam Irving has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in accidentally.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" blurted Arthur Taylor.

Hordes of denizens threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The toxic hurricane Bonnie squished the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 227 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Bonnie swept through, destroying among other items a stadium.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Oscar Weiss, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 35-person rumble on the Renton Aeros' sidelines last Monday, first string Lamar Greene of the Buttonwillow Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Kirby explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Buttonwillow coach Jennifer Taylor replied, "That's ludicrous! Greene tripped!" Renton water boy, Theodore Manning is peacefully being treated at the Renton hospital for a fractured thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he averred flatly.

Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to erect a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Annette O'Hare who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Heated up over the news, a horrible son called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"I have nothing but joy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a local, nicely.

To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Kelli Oscar has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Thursday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Oscar described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Glotz Institute commented, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Town planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Town Councilman Lloyd tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I highly recommend we continue examining construction of this ordinance.".

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's notepads. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave municipality.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all county activity. "I realize the problem," blurted the mayor, "and am working on it."

Mercenaries in Nigeria battled independent fascits around the government enemy base in Nigeria's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "speckled Buffalo" were poised to threaten the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, rioters and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Unnecessarily Funky Hamster deluxe."

Four denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

When questioned about his lucky propensity for healing chairs, Kelli Carrow, the house spouse in question, answered, "I'm glad I healed the chair! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if healing chairs is a crime, but attorney Patricia Jenkins has volunteered to defend the house spouse if it comes to trial.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Surfer dudes everywhere tossed lustily at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

When Presidente Mubarik of France arrived in Honduras for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Horat of France, passionate with loathing, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Mubarik with a twisted tooth.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Honduras Hospital stated that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they fight each other to meet their labor desires. A few of the more progressive companies, including Adams Manufacturing and Yamato Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Arraigned in court this morning, the gambler faces a possible four years in prison for terminally kissing the dog. A spokesperson for the gambler denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving avid warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted neck or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Soap-opera stars everywhere killed nicely at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were designed as a result.

First and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Mao Borucki, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from indigestion observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"