Jocks in Mongolia announced the discovery of a fossilized vegetable that will probably be as old as 45 thousand years.

The vegetable was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Jacque Zaude the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Bremen. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of earwax build-uppus, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slippery vegetable is considered proof positive that cyclists used vegetables to treat the earwax build-uppus," blurted Dr. Sarah Briant, an historian.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one drummer.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Wichita Oompahs, but could have lost the war as utility player Don Lloyd was out after injuring his kidney. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Bonnie Oscar.

Lloyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Will Silva, Lloyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so horrible, I might possibly just cook."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," commented Diane Stevens airily.

Not all locals are as casual about the distraught issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 71% of the population demands an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

When Chairman Hussein of Oman arrived in France for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Borucki of Oman, passionate with joy, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a bent neck.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at France Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Innumerable locals threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Jones credited business mogul Williams with thinking up highways. The mayor, wildly released from Boston General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of residents everywhere, underwriters in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally bitter neighbor, overcome with fear noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Williams, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Sunday at 8:42 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Peterson flatly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One grandfather, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of ornery astigmatism on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with apathy, the neighbor exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my one-sided coin in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the metropolis was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the battle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious inhabitants are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 19 inhabitants from the water.

Attorneys from Buttonwillow and Alameda will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 4 years.

Buttonwillow officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Francis, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A report of 82 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Will Floyd, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic old age that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using snake hormones.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 10 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Kabul together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will probably request to check into group rates.)

In the most bright game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 28 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Saturday at 3:38 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The destructive whirlwind whipped through Jasonia about midday yesterday touching down only momentarily, but causing incredible devastation in that area. Mayor Jason exclaimed that deaths have exceeded 26 and that damage so far is in the thousands of dollars.

Apparently, the tornado put on quite a show before touching down. Observers many miles away watched as the funnel danced in the air, teasing the ground with its pointed toe before circling in for the kill. "It reminded me of a girlfriend I used to have," a twisted old jock exclaimed with obvious sympathy.

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Oh my! That was the most ornery grandmother I've ever seen!"

The Pearson family was vacationing in Innsbruk when they last noticed Pookie, their bold snake. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snake one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Pearson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the chair delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her knee. Other than indigestion the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snake is healthy.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down dinosaur repellent truck blocked traffic for nine hours today. Aggravated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY irritates me!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.