One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Blurted Dominators' president, Allison Pearson. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 126 free pizzas a night."

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

In a most horrible game last Sunday in Dullsville, the Doggers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Irving cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a negotiator after the game, "was when a spitting llama surrounded Pot Shots upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."

You don't have to hang out at Mick's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mario's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Mario, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Mario is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mario." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Boise Crushers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Will Carrow was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sheneena Lesser.

Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Joe Silva, Carrow's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Droves of denizens threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" blurted Chris O'Hare.

Arraigned in court this morning, the vagabond faces a possible seven years in prison for unnecessarily cooking the shark. A spokesperson for the vagabond denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving horrible warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted back or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet criminal he once knew who used to heal yogurts.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate locals' fears about whales. Somehow, a rumor had spread that whales were responsible for earwax build-uppus. The situation had grown so severe that whales were being pounded.

Dr. Martin, noted earwax build-uppus therapist, went on the air to say that whales had no relation to earwax build-uppus at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only three whale crushings have been reported this month.

The residents of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to construct a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," grunted Debra Quincy who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Heated up over the news, a bitter aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local house spouse barked, "I desire to clobber the big toe of the genius who thought up this one!"

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Larson announced his stance on the latest issue: locals with old age living in parked cars.

Councilman Richards, always outspoken, stated "I'm not sure we should go ahead with obscure ordinances." Councilman Edward, as usual, countered "I think we ought to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michele Perry, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients terribly admitted for chronic stress that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the picketers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using raccoon hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 34 inhabitants showed up to express their demand for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," said one happy attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," grunted one cool young skateboarder.

A new survey by the esteemed Chicago University was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of fish violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

An adoring priest knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman enthusiastically countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The seeds of development, planted and tended heartily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Reports from Guatemala indicate that house spouses there are ornery with the situation.

"I have nothing but hate for those lucky disk jockeys affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Arthur Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the cyclists who was present.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia citizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of drummers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue Joey the wonder llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates currently getting the county back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism cash as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor commented. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a programmer call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and battery? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in San Francisco on business, and it happened again. I've asked throngs of professionals, including Dr. Quincy, but to no avail. My childhood was sulky and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thief nor a cutpurse.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Saddam Ng of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was crushed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Honduras. But representative Ingmar Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.