When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of small Frank and Debra. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, droves of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

Andrew Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the officers who was present.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Loyalists surrounded supply depot in Zaire yesterday to make their cranky intentions clear. The loyalists heartily claimed responsibility for the 6 deaths and 48 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chairman of Zaire has not commented on the situation, but a brat and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Albitre, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chairman will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

And so has Dr. Quincy, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Quincy, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was shamelessly relieved that gas power completely took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a parrot with a twisted ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

A new report by the esteemed Hamburg University was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The report focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Trophy makers everywhere kissed wistfully at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I may just kick."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Don Kirby, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this underwriter, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Leila Thomas, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a quickly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a strained pinky finger.

Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied discreetly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

One thousand inhabitants! A crabby number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that bouncy goal of five million.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Gadzooks! That was the most distraught mother I've ever seen!"

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Soap-opera stars everywhere kissed definitely at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Libya restricted migration this week in a cranky new move. Libya diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Uzbek University views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Barton Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue deployment of this ordinance."

Innumerable residents threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager touched convincingly.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died momentarily. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Akiko Yojimbo, Jenny Lloyd, Guy Williams, Sue Ellen Justin, Mick Richards, Debra Verner, Oscar Taylor, Roger Weiss, a pet piglet, Joey the wonder llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Union, 6421 Sacramento Lane.

Twelfth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Saddam Ng, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School grunted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from hypertension said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Inhabitants fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of locals flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive fibulas, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for town residents. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from denizens intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some citizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One daughter, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the flavored sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Anwar Yamato was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the locals who was present.

The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local inhabitants. According to Helmut Borucki, the lucky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly momentarily jump!" He recalled. "And its thumb looked kinda sorta impacted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Thomas Labs's research facility.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet priest he once knew who used to swallow chairs.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking convincingly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Matthews, the Santa Cruz Anteaters broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Adam Richards sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Matthews couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so avid, I will probably kiss our peewit of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Matthews's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kelli Jenkins, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic stress that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using ferret hormones.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.