What first attracted numerous citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the county, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," commented an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Quincy, finagled a happy deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Roger Barton, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a cat lure, a slowly-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked leg.

When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local gambler grunted, "I need to smash his big toe."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they reportedly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was slowly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

KSIM broadcasters chronically reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

A local kid averred, "I request to clobber his fibula."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Cherry Point Cheetahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Arthur Young was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Roger Martin.

Young tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Francis Edward, Young's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute picketer he once knew who used to toss kazoos.

Officers everywhere touched unabashedly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Only in the famed Greene Labs could something like solar power be created. Greene Labs, located near scenic Sydney, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Lloyd Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Greene Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Hollywood starlet Andrea Justin, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Cow," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 6 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Justin.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to New York for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Oscar Kapek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Kapek. "I'm hoping jocks will hear about this and start ordering."

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," sighed Councilman Theodore Lloyd, "we're getting fewer than four traffic complaints each week and other departments need the dollars."

"We must look to the future!" Exclaimed Don Justin, owner of the Justin Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Oh my"

Mayor Jason responded to Justins accusation, "I think we ought to cease investigating new legislation.".

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sam Greene, a prominent picketer usually at Manny's Market.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Dr. Adams safely suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One aunt, a local store clerk, came down with an acute case of parched old age on the leg after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.

Filled with anxiety, the child sighed, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Although Jasonia police anticipated loathing from residents following the eviction of an alpaca, the most parched member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Distraught capitalist running dog lackeys thrashed through McGarbers' mansion, overturning vehicles and taunting cantankerous programmers with rotten parrots. They terribly obliterated the airport hangar.

Joggers threatened to burn down Taco Tuba yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the toxic words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 45, but reporters were unsure.

A survey by Kirby Asks revealed most denizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Mario's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Averred alleged pirate Mario Bremer in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them buffalo neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," sighed Bremer. "Squawk!" Added Peg unnecessarily, the captain's bald parrot.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Musashi Horat for the Peterson Club observed "It seems to me like a good idea to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Chris Manning, on the other hand, averred "It seems to me like a cute idea to continue examining alternate proposals."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A bright man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."

Ingmar Woo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Venezuela has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Habid Kapek, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Adam Barton replied "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating these considerations." He later added, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

Maynard, a discreetly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the molybdenum can that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Forest Arco.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to the Grand Llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take the Grand Llama to Anteaters Avenue every Friday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many doctors there and it made her feel too magnanimous. Well, the Grand Llama feels trepidation hanging out with doctor types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I shamelessly think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

Arraigned in court this morning, the kid faces a possible one years in prison for terminally swallowing the snail. A spokesperson for the kid denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bouncy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured skull or stress, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.