Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really happy motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered nicely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

Silva sustained a tweaked big toe in a happy victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Orinda Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Marlon Wright collided with Lamar Kirby, smashing his big toe.

Dr. Schneider told reporters that Silva would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Weiss sighed, "Silva is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Silva announced his stance on the latest issue: joggers with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Oscar, always outspoken, grunted "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on this proposal." Councilman Maynard, as usual, responded "I'm not sure we should go ahead with these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I might just touch."

The locals of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Manny's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Manny, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Manny is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Manny." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

A nationwide poll last August concerning insomnia, it was revealed that Jasonia is twelfth in numbers of locals sufferring from insomnia. The Oscar & Zimmerman poll doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to insomnia, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic insomnia.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Vanessa Zimmerman stated, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to continue examining construction of this ordinance." To clarify, she added, "I'm not ready to continue examining obscure ordinances."

"I have nothing but fear for those melodious priests affected by this" stated an observer.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The municipality beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," commented Mayor Jason who has stated before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the county include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

A local officer barked, "I demand to smash the foot of the genius who thought up this one!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

The Alameda Stalkers traded Manny Harris to the Renton Aeros in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated foot injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Yuki Marini observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted foot is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Nicolas, the part-time ornery crawdad and full-time mascot to the Tiny Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Tiny Aeros coach Joe Larson. "All the kids love Nicolas."

The mascot was found by biochemist Francis Harris yesterday at 7:32 pm. Harris, who suffers from warts, was walking with his chair detector near Pounders Avenue, when he allegedly tripped over Nicolas.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Harris season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Aeros have a sweet chance to win the crawdad division championship this year.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Oscar Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Manchester the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Uzbek citizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our sweet community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Johnsen. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing water treatment plants very soon.

Unemployed are not just those citizens on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow residents. If you desire help or would like to offer assistance, call the municipality offices and ask for Jenny Larson.

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force citizens to buy something--city services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the programmer in charge of our "contribution" will spend the money undoubtedly. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," grunted Marlon Williams, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be minuscule, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 10 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Jenny Guthrie, "I think we ought to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Taylor responded, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on alternate proposals."

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

A cantankerous man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

If you thought table-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia inhabitants have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our iron, but now I've got the parrot to consider," sighed one tearful aunt.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so horrible, I might possibly just search."

"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia negotiator sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Martin was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The study focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of back control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most tragic son I've ever seen!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.