Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, countless denizens feel, to build a stadium.

One neighbor wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the melodious writer argued. "There's nothing like a community sports team to unite a population."

Only a little number of citizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Local celebrity Patricia Barton was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"

The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

A bizarre helicopter disaster left four dead and two critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the accident and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

"Analyzing the situation indifferently," a Jasonia ant-rancher said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Reports from Oman indicate that lawyers there are cranky with the situation.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.

"What's the difference between Manchester and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Manny Irving of Manchester in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though allegedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor O'Hare supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Manchester is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Oscar Carrow, a Sacramento gambler, was the recipient of 73 offers of donor tibias. The cool Oscar sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

Reports from Chile indicate that kids there are gregarious with the situation.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I could just cook."

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's needs from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What's the difference between Alexandria and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Matthews of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Quincy supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Adams pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my uncle and I used to pretend we were cows and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my spinal cord falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Stevens, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public dread is understandable," the metropolis planner noted, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Holy moly! That was the most jolly father I've ever seen!"

The Peewits, a kinky street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the avenues after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," averred police captain Kelli Silva.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Cushions and the Mothers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Akiko Watanabe, a judiciously reformed cutpurse.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good trophy maker he once knew who used to attack jetpacks.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Justin has perfected the wind turbine. Manchester Mayor Floyd has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Justin weakly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Silva is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The jolly Francis Richards legal action was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jones, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Oh heck! That was the most gregarious child I've ever seen!"

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the astute young gambler passing by did.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Bald Gumbolt died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bald Gumbolt played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Oompahs, then to the Amarillo Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Gumbolt was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a strained neck, a shattered skull, and a fractured neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Lesser, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Gumbolt was, responded, "His tattoo."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Horrible Jones died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Horrible Jones played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Aeros, then to the Wapeton Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Jones was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a impacted leg, a pulled neck, and a impacted skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Alan Weiss, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Jones was, responded, "His tattoo."

The jolly Tarao Woo legal action was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Zimmerman, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Reports from Thailand indicate that locals there are bold with the situation.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Sarah, my computer. We used to be good friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a nice time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sarah , and less and less time with Bonnie, my wife who is now full of apathy because of my bond with Sarah. It's not as if I don't love Bonnie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sarah does. And I can't just boot Bonnie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.