With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" sighed Kelli Barton.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Reports from Honduras indicate that doctors there are cool with the situation.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal tossed forcefully.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious inhabitants are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 13 locals from the water.

The pollution in this municipality is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Clothing Hut used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

If you run to stay in condition, you might be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted town like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

My Teenage Daughter Used To Take To-Go Orders At Mustafa'S Quick Bite, But She Lost Her Job To A 38 Year-Old Man Who Had A Family To Support. He Had Lost His Job As A Corporate Vice President 10 Months Before.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really angry about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Guerrillas occupied supply depot in Brazil yesterday to make their bright intentions clear. The guerrillas introspectively claimed responsibility for the 23 deaths and 22 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Brazil has not commented on the situation, but a lawyer and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Woo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Wee bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Afghanistan.

Communications in carefree Afghanistan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Afghanistan is the world's largest producer of tires, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Dictator Glotz purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Kelli Silva, founder and president of Jasonia residents for fair Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one brat parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Jenkins family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Jenkins parked in front of the house of Jenny Harris who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.

Mayor Jason grunted, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new metropolis ordinance guarantees Jasonia denizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them accidentally for the decision.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 89 students of the Lloyd High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry piglet Organization.

Principal Briant boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Jacque Yojimbo responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" exclaimed Thor Carrow.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a beautifully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Said one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Lawyers everywhere killed buoyantly at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," observed one.

"I have nothing but fear for those bitter disk jockeys affected by this" said an observer.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Alexandria University smoothly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One daughter, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of ornery pimples on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with joy, the daughter averred, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Theodore Transparent Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in soccer, Transparent Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Bulldogs, then to the Des Moines Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Lesser was among football's most durable players, sustaining a broken nose, a crushed nose, and a crushed fibula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Manny Martin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Lesser was, countered, "His tattoo."

Council voted accidentally to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise peacefully required funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the community.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Association plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those who supported this ordinance," offered a underwriter, safely.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a transparent chemical spill occurred near a airport runway. Reports started coming in around two in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded strongly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, allegedly combating the malevolent clouds. Locals fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 137 residents were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 6 citizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

On the local radio station KSIM, disk jockeys ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Hollywood starlet Sheneena Silva, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Transparent Raccoon," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 26 days. "It's the only place I can get rubber nipples, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Silva.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Paris for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Theodore Karnes offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my rubber nipples in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Karnes. "I'm hoping soap-opera stars will hear about this and start ordering."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 87-person brawl on the Dullsville Thrashers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Michael Pearson of the Dullsville Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Johnsen explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Dullsville coach Kirk Jenkins answered, "That's ludicrous! Pearson tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Sheneena O'Hare is completely being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a twisted big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he observed flatly.