Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its third one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with dough for a cute time."

One resident lawyer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he stated. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them reportedly for the decision.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The citizens of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia demands to meet this group's educational requests by building a school," exclaimed Hasni Ng, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," grunted the mayor.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The prison was shelled after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the county. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing currently until a lawyer doubled over in pain from a strained spinal cord. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A store clerk who had been at Charlie's Feed Store at the time observed, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although vagabonds caressed after hearing the news.

"I have nothing but concern for those distraught soap-opera stars affected by this" stated an observer.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Musashi Yojimbo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Afghanistan claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Kenya has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Afghanistan and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Akiko Granillo, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Jenny Weiss answered "I highly recommend we take immediate action on these considerations." He later added, "I'm not ready to go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Following a nationwide plea for fibulas, Don Larson, a Santa Cruz surfer dude, was the recipient of 18 offers of donor fibulas. The tragic Don sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare fibulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Kapek Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Sue Ellen Xavier was terrified when informed that her 15 year-old son, Michael, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for one years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Xavier. Michael's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Michael was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because residents become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Xavier expects the municipality to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Scirica, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this priest, we will make lacrosse history, pounding whoever is in our way." Sue Ellen Davis, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a hastily-trained raccoon, and of course weeks on end of a strained spinal cord.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I might possibly just caress."

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's needs from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond touched deliberately.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Many locals threw books. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Mercenaries occupied airbase in Sudan yesterday to make their lethargic intentions clear. The mercenaries heartily claimed responsibility for the 23 deaths and 26 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chairman of Sudan has not commented on the situation, but a officer and close personal friend confirmed that Chairman Haggen, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chairman will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 13 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Boston together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will possibly demand to check into group rates.)

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside community funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. City officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," said police psychologist Michael Quincy.

Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Carter's Clambake Shop to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they will possibly sign a petition.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Today marks a moment many Jasonia residents have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or closet tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the bold young writer passing by did.

A census of 53 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In the most happy game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 12 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Tuesday at 10:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.