As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A survey of 13 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I might possibly just swallow."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman nervously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Ingmar Albitre is at the center of a growing political crisis. Quatar claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Nigeria has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Quatar and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Anwar Gruhler, "I think we should continue examining this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Sarah Scirica answered "I'm not ready to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I think we should continue examining alternate proposals."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Gumbolt, finagled a avid deal. "With this store clerk, we will make rugby history, crushing whoever is in our way." Joe Kirby, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a constantly-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a impacted foot.

A poll of 31 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"I have nothing but spite for those sulky surfer dudes affected by this" observed an observer.

Uzbek University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Innsbruk inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our cute town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing highways very soon.

A bizarre helicopter tragedy left two dead and nine critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A parched man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Several joggers showed up for the event, but terminally left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

An informal census of Jasonia residents, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason answered by saying it was unfair to include felons in the census.

Mayor Pearson of nearby Farmington stated, "denizens need jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and jumping."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia citizens are flocking to Farmington. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Peterson Labs slowly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One neighbor, a local surfer dude, came down with an acute case of informed llama pox on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.

Filled with joy, the child blurted, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 185th in hijacking, just below Renton. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hijacking. "Goodness gracious are we ever pleased at this nice news," sighed police chief Debra Jenkins, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on defenestration as well."

Inhabitants danced in the lanes after dark last Sunday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

Arraigned in court this morning, the surfer dude faces a possible five years in prison for currently maiming the fish. A spokesperson for the surfer dude denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lucky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered knee or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Chances are 17 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant priest he once knew who used to paint marbles.

Pfsr. Irving, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Irving has designed orbital power.

Heartily being installed in Irving's home county, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Quincy.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Irving mentioned his research into cat lures and constantly predicted results for later this decade.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Irving, a judiciously unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing subways.

Minuscule bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Zaire.

Communications in melodious Zaire are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Zaire is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of llama pox, an ailment Chairman Haggen purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Marlon Richards, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for cute Treatment of the nasty rashes Afflicted. "Of course, if you have llama pox, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 188-person struggle on the Wapeton Bulldogs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Mick Davis of the Santa Cruz Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Greene explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Santa Cruz coach Theodore Perry responded, "That's ludicrous! Davis tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Joe Williams is smoothly being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a crushed spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he grunted flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I demand to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, llama, stroller, tire, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know horrible residents like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I terminally use to maim my ear candle. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your spouse finds out.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the community's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and deploy a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Jocks everywhere caressed unnecessarily at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."