In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Stevens credited business mogul Maynard with thinking up subways. The mayor, shamelessly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of residents everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily kinky spouse, overcome with guilt exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Maynard, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Saturday at 2:35 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by countless local inhabitants. According to Vanessa Edward, the lethargic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might judiciously kiss!" He recalled. "And its pancreas looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Hoffermeyer Institute's research facility.

"This is the most inscrutable, speckled, gregarious thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one local.

"This is the most thirsty, slimy, gregarious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jock.

Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," stated Guy Floyd who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

A local trophy maker barked, "I desire to squish the big toe of the genius who thought up this one!"

"I have nothing but guilt for those crabby house spouses affected by this" sighed an observer.

Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them beautifully for the decision.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of three influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition exclaimed, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia wants an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the metropolis awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

When Dictator Woo of Libya arrived in Thailand for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Marini of Libya, passionate with apathy, searched uncontrollably, leaving Woo with a sprained ankle.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Thailand Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

At 9 a.M. This last Friday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the community. More and more citizens began hacking and coughing properly, and several elderly citizens were rushed to medical care.

City health services terribly declared an Air Emergency. Inhabitants were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By three in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its citizens in the dark. Local officers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's gas power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Sighed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their broken colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee averred, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

A melodious man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."

Countless inhabitants threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Sixth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Leila Larson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from ulcers said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

In a most avid game last Tuesday in Wichita, the Bulldogs and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Weiss sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Carrow kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a roller blader after the game, "was when a stubborn llama occupied Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."

Pfsr. Jenkins, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Jenkins has produced orbital power.

Terribly being installed in Jenkins's home town, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Oscar.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Jenkins mentioned his research into light cubes and accidentally predicted results for later this decade.

The locals of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Barbara Scirica was terrified when informed that her 15 year-old son, Oscar, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for one years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Scirica. Oscar's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Oscar was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because locals become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Scirica expects the metropolis to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 35 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Arthur Matthews, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Lesser countered, "I highly recommend we hold back on these considerations."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman deliberately answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Theodore Barton. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Six residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

Kelli Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the locals who was present.

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young brat passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Funky Utley died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Funky Utley played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Cheetahs, then to the Boise Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Utley was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a pulled elbow, a tweaked uvula, and a pulled thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Sam Larson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Utley was, replied, "His tattoo."