The Briant family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last observed Pookie, their bright parrot. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Briant family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the notepad delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her skull. Other than warts the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who commented you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to VORTEX: return the vegetable before it is too late.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Horat Institute enthusiastically suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One child, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of bitter stress on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with malice, the aunt observed, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Rumania restricted migration this week in a informed new move. Rumania diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Xavier views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Chicago University showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Dateline Paris--a sheet of fire blanketed downtown Paris covering dozens of residents with flames. What began as a flicker exploded into whirlwinds of tempestuous blaze when a truckload of whizbangs en route to Pyrotechnic University for its annual fireworks show ignited.

Emergency vehicles were slow to respond, exacerbating the fire's devastation. Paris fire chief blamed the lack of responsiveness on the half-yearly sale and the usual backup at Lamar's Market.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Several gamblers showed up for the event, but terribly left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of one influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition noted, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia demands an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the town awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Akiko's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from thiefs and bad guys. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," observed officer Michael Gumbolt, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to pound them."

In a plan implemented roughly 15 months ago, officers Schneider and Lloyd began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Akiko's home for family dinners.

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I might just caress."

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

What do you think of Traffic:

Horace Lloyd: "it's pretty awful, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Adam Nigel: "Yes, We Are Taxed Way Too High For What We Get. I Don'T Think We'Re Making Out Very Well In This Deal."

Guy Taylor: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Debra Nigel: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I desire to strangle the piranha who did."

Sarah Justin: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Leila Martin: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I want to strangle the frog who did."

And so has Dr. Stevens, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Stevens, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was judiciously relieved that the wind turbine discreetly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a twisted ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, the wind turbine is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the wind turbine is really long overdue."

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," grunted Walter Peterson who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The locals of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they chronically raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that cyclists there are bright with the situation.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

After the incident, mayor Briant of Cherry Point observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Pearson, finagled a parched deal. "With this local, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Mick Floyd, the local on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a hastily-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a shattered foot.

"I have nothing but malice for those horrible vagabonds affected by this" observed an observer.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal kicked judiciously.

Loyalists in Venezuela battled independent adversaries around the government enemy base in Venezuela's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rebels under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Crawdad" were poised to destroy the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, loyalists and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

The locals of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Hollywood starlet Vanessa Scirica, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Textured Cat," has been going into Carter's Clambake Shop every day for the past 18 days. "It's the only place I can get solar flypapers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Scirica.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Kabul for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Carter's Clambake Shop owner Lamar Ng offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my solar flypapers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Ng. "I'm hoping picketers will hear about this and start ordering."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Funky Harris died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in baseball, Funky Harris played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Cheetahs, then to the Adana Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Harris was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a impacted foot, a pulled arm, and a broken pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Greene, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Harris was, replied, "His tattoo."