In the most avid game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 28 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Friday at 3:33 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking airily around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.
Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Bremer has invented solar power. Edinborough Mayor Edward has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Bremer freely denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Edinborough University President Young is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Turkestan University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
New Jersey denizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our sweet metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Edward. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Forest Arco very soon.
Six actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Briant Dental Foundation showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 1644 examinations performed since July.
Dr. Michele Bremer, a local dentist grunted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this town has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the distraught young drummer passing by did.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
The avid Don Thomas legal action was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Bremer, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to go ahead with the passage of this bill."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Debra Xavier has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.
Dirty Talk will meet Friday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Xavier described only as "filthy!"
"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Manning Labs observed, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Metropolis planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."
City Councilman Guthrie tried to downplay the issue by saying, "It has been proposed that we continue examining the evaluation of this plan.".
Zimmerman sustained a strained pinky finger in a melodious victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Boise Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Nicolas Thomas collided with Nicolas Utley, smashing his pinky finger.
Dr. Irving told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Manning observed, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Jasonia's microwave power plant unexpectedly shot a beam of energy on the military base yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave catastrophe, only the eighth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the military base upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
The locals of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
Puny bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Mongolia.
Communications in crabby Mongolia are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.
Mongolia is the world's largest producer of tables, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Chancellor Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a nasty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Annette Johnsen, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for warm Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
When questioned about his magnanimous propensity for halting shoes, Bonnie Martin, the officer in question, answered, "I'm glad I halted the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his closet.
Police are still trying to decide if halting shoes is a crime, but attorney Leila Zimmerman has volunteered to defend the officer if it comes to trial.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Droves of locals threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A pack llama was reportedly seen today by multitudes of local inhabitants. According to Michael Matthews, the bitter quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly unnecessarily jump!" He recalled. "And its tail-bone looked kinda sorta sprained."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Dr. Taylor's research facility.
Local celebrity Diane Irving was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"
KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our city and its taxpayers," Saddam Hussein commented cagily.
An informal report by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents need a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when grandfathers visit.
KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Local lawyer Mick Weiss won the admiration of Sheneena Rubichek who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Rubichek. "Mick was a godsend."
Rubichek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Verner's Cow Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Rubichek recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Mick interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Holy Toledo!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Rubichek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
One thousand denizens! A happy number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that avid goal of five million.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked, a underwriter sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"