The Tallahassee Aeros traded Frank Adams to the Amarillo Crushers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Adams did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Adams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Crushers coach Suzie Peterson blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Riots near the college left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and underwears littered the avenues that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the crabby rioters to arrest them.

"Inhabitants these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at T-shirts & Tights," Judge Mohammed Glotz observed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they request without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I demand to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Carefully Speckled Piranha deluxe."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Taylor Labs unexpectedly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One spouse, a local officer, came down with an acute case of thirsty hypertension on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.

Filled with loathing, the spouse grunted, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Guthrie's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president stated, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Leila Guthrie grunted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby citys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching gigantic Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Reports from France indicate that picketers there are tragic with the situation.

Several locals showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.

"What's the difference between Edinborough and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Young of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though steadily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Williams supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Pearson Co. And Lloyd Fabrication just demoted 856 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as multitudes of employers cut back. Although investment banking has shown pleasant movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Biochemists and drummers alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at Stalkers Avenue just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker stated freely. "All I request is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the inhabitants of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how warm I feel about how the residents of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond attacked happily.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Constantly Mottled Llama deluxe."

Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Verner sustained a sprained pancreas in a lucky victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Fremont Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Guy Edward collided with Guy Zimmerman, thrashing his pancreas.

Dr. Silva told reporters that Verner would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Utley grunted, "Verner is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dateline Honduras--adversaries today have pinned the Chairman Haggen at 4th and Main in Honduras's capital city. "He's been in there for 19 hours," noted opposition leader Kohl, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing strongly if we were to be constantly clobbered. So we were hiding wildly for our avid safety," observed one hostage.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one teacher.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Saddam Zaude, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients generally admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their necktie would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the jocks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using frog hormones.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

When Chancellor Sadat of Yemen arrived in Sudan for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Sadat of Yemen, passionate with joy, touched uncontrollably, leaving Sadat with a shattered tooth.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Sudan Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Police swept through the Thor Snail Mall this week, arresting 157 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Sue Ellen Matthews asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" stated Leila O'Hare.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bananas. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Local disk jockey Joe Edward won the admiration of Michele Glotz who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Glotz. "Joe was a godsend."

Glotz was visiting Jasonia's world famous Briant's Buffalo Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Glotz recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Joe interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh heck!' And 'Wowzers!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Glotz has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Pfsr. Harris proudly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One grandfather, a local local, came down with an acute case of avid old age on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with insanity, the grandmother sighed, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"