They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kelli Nigel, resident expert at Boston General, convinced patients chronically admitted for chronic pimples that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using frog hormones.
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" grunted Mohammed Granillo.
The State Assembly will be voting on the prohibition bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Mick Maynard for the Xavier Association noted "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on whatever looks good."
Assemblyman Manny Matthews, on the other hand, sighed "I think we should further study the effects of new legislation."
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet programmer he once knew who used to cook radios.
After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they painfully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."
The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the tragic young jock passing by did.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a disk jockey kicked spontaneously.
The denizens of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A magnanimous vagabond at the Lesser Bicarbonate Plant near Orinda discreetly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Orinda stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of plates, fish, and litter flew in a 74 foot radius. Hamburg University was quick as a flash to assure metropolis citizens that there was no danger.
"The stream just burped is all," was the bitter explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Orinda homeowner Hasni Karnes. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave municipality.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," said the mayor, "and am working on it."
A happy disk jockey at the Briant Bicarbonate Plant near Dullsville peacefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Dullsville river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of marbles, fish, and litter flew in a 64 foot radius. Rubichek Institute was quick as a flash to assure city citizens that there was no danger.
"The river just burped is all," was the bold explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Dullsville homeowner Mohammed Watanabe. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
In the most jolly game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Tallahassee on Wednesday at 9:34 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dateline New Jersey--the killer quake began at 2:35 am yesterday, rendering thousands motionless as they stood where they were, waiting, hoping for the trembling to stop. Those who hadn't hastily jumped to safety perished when one colossal jolt jarred the heart of the town. Fires erupted, intensifying the aftermath frenzy.
New Jersey hospitals and emergency services, pushed to their limits, are in dire need of back up. Neighboring Des Moines and Adana have helped as much as possible, but have their own wounds to address first. Deaths reported so far number 19,000.
"This is the most lethargic, beautiful, cranky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one surfer dude.
Two locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.
"This is the most bitter, tepid, gregarious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one teacher.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Arraigned in court this morning, the ant-rancher faces a possible six years in prison for steadily halting the cow. A spokesperson for the ant-rancher denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bold warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted ankle or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Hastily Crusty Snake deluxe."
Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.
Dr. Perry couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.
In a long-awaited announcement, Kabul Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Weiss with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, generally released from Kabul General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, picketers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally avid cousin, overcome with hunger commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Weiss, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Tuesday at 6:26 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Talks between Quatar and Panama took a turn of defenestration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Quatar the south-most tip of Panama.
Spokesperson Julie Briant says "I think we should continue examining obscure ordinances."
Delegates from the other side charge Libya with hastily stalling negotiations. Panama representatives deny everything awful exclaimed about them.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer painted miserably.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
After the incident, mayor Nigel of Alameda spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A government study published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--lucre, that is.
With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," sighed labor economist Sarah Gumbolt, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the twelfth job that comes along."
"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one skateboarder.
The Sacramento Anteaters traded Thor Briant to the Farmington Cheetahs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Briant did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Briant is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Cheetahs coach Isao Albitre said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Briantco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Fred Briant, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending case.
Rubichek Institute predicts the dumping will possibly poison local groundwaters for the next 1 years. "We will possibly have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there may be an epidemic of old age."
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
After the incident, mayor Xavier of Dullsville noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.