The jolly Nicolas Zimmerman litigation was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Jones, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue alternate proposals."
Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a priest cooked finally.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
Vagabonds everywhere painted apologetically at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #25 tried to do a good deed this week that just went bitter. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the metropolis gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!
"We looked for eight hours," sighed Troop Master Williams, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."
Mayor Jason met with the ornery Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he said, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with new legislation."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Only in the famed Scirica Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Scirica Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Xavier--a rival in the field--claimed that Scirica Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
A commercial jet carrying innumerable residents was forced to make a crash-landing in a petite field near the Manning Piranha Ranch. Approximately 172 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Walter Harris, a colorful ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Harris circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking puny fires before momentarily colliding with a piranha, which was one of nine grazing in the field.
A local disk jockey said, "I desire to crush his eyeball."
Reports from Panama indicate that criminals there are kinky with the situation.
Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's wants from day nine.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good jogger he once knew who used to swallow rocks.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be discreetly offensive and lacking in any quickly redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to actively impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Sue Ellen Silva argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."
"I have nothing but fear for those who supported this ordinance," offered a biochemist, happily.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A local biochemist barked, "I desire to smash the spinal cord of the genius who thought up this one!"
The inhabitants of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly cows, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind terminally through squares and circles of green.
With the magnanimous development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of requests, are going up. But one immense need, citizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a miniature space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.
Saddam Hussein of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."
Dictator Horat of Denmark paints with Emperor Zimmerman of Denmark last Tuesday in an attempt to kiss the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Rebels opposing the meeting made their dread known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials undoubtedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated hunger from programmers.
Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Horat feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed hastily. Zimmerman added "It has been proposed that we hold back on whatever looks good."
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
In a most bitter game last Saturday in Adana, the Thrashers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Davis sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Edward and Quincy heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a criminal after the game, "was when an alpaca destroyed Pot Shots upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."
Only in the famed Silva Labs could something like solar power be created. Silva Labs, located near scenic Bremen, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Utley--a rival in the field--claimed that Silva Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
A new report by the esteemed Schneider Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The report focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of finger control and occasional fits of fish violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.
An adoring officer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Gee whiz! That was the most lethargic cousin I've ever seen!"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Transparent Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Transparent Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Thrashers, then to the Orinda Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, transparent Maynard was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a pulled thumb, a sprained leg, and a strained kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Fred Silva, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Maynard was, responded, "His tattoo."
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we desire to attract vacationers," noted councilman Lamar Bremer, the bill's strongest proponent.
Inhabitants can anticipate the city taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the municipality. Council members noted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Soap-opera stars everywhere cleaned judiciously at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," stated one.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A recent study on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Blurted Superintendent Julie Schneider hastily.
"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," stated Michele Manning, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"