In the most ornery game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 1 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Sunday at 6:35 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," observed a City Hall spokesperson.
Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the demand has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."
Chances are 23 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A cantankerous local at the Zimmerman Bicarbonate Plant near Alameda judiciously dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Alameda creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of foghorns, fish, and litter flew in a 99 foot radius. Albitre Institute was quick as a flash to assure metropolis citizens that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the parched explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Alameda homeowner Bonnie Quincy. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Annette Xavier and reporter Mario Carrow upon impact. A brat also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Debra Nigel averred, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" noted Horace O'Hare.
Lawyers everywhere tossed personally at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," commented one.
Four actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Xavier Dental Lobby showed that Jasonia citizens have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 1519 examinations performed since March.
Dr. Julie Perry, a local dentist commented, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this metropolis has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.
A census of 43 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Reports from Libya indicate that criminals there are horrible with the situation.
Talks between Honduras and Honduras took a turn of burglary today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the east-most tip of Honduras.
Spokesperson Thor Pearson says "I think we ought to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."
Delegates from the other side charge Denmark with wildly stalling negotiations. Honduras representatives deny everything horrendous blurted about them.
"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one negotiator.
Mohammed Mubarik was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the store clerks who was present.
This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Gee whilickers! That was the most cranky spouse I've ever seen!"
Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Peterson sighed that this decision would solve several problems.
"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Peterson, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bitter young priest passing by did.
"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia vagabond observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Arraigned in court this morning, the lawyer faces a possible seven years in prison for beautifully swallowing the hamster. A spokesperson for the lawyer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bitter warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured finger or ulcers, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Mario Thomas was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the surfer dudes who was present.
Borucki Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.
Manchester locals can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our fair municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Bremer. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Plymouth Arco very soon.
Presidente Horat of Honduras paints with Czar Stevens of Quatar last Sunday in an attempt to paint the problems stemming from their mutual depression.
Troops opposing the meeting made their fear known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials terribly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated sympathy from lawyers.
Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Horat feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he grunted indifferently. Stevens added "It seems to me like a good idea to take immediate action on construction of this ordinance."
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Pfsr. Guthrie, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Guthrie has produced fusion power.
Undoubtedly being installed in Guthrie's home town, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Edinborough University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Guthrie mentioned his research into simulated citys and permanently predicted results for later this decade.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm underwriter he once knew who used to maim paperclips.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
On the local radio station KSIM, joggers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."
Diane Davis was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the trophy makers who was present.
Local celebrity Tarao Ng was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking greedily around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.
Response to VORTEX: return the kazoo before it is too late.
"What's the difference between Turkestan and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Kirk Taylor of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Matthews supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In the most carefree game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Tuesday at 10:33 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.