If you thought radio-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia inhabitants have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our dictaphone, but now I've got the parrot to consider," noted one tearful grandmother.
A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.
Five citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Several house spouses showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.
"What's the difference between Dallas and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Pearson of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Carrow supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Kirk's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Kirk, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Kirk is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Kirk." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Textured Stevens died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in baseball, Textured Stevens played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Crushers, then to the Boise Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, textured Stevens was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a twisted leg, a pulled pancreas, and a shattered eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Mick Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Stevens was, replied, "His tattoo."
Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Larson grunted that this decision would solve several problems.
"Residents were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Larson, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."
"This is the most lucky, slippery, kinky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one manager.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair local he once knew who used to toss irons.
A local trophy maker averred, "I need to smash his tooth."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my neck. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Jasonia's request for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window could probably mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," commented a City Hall spokesperson.
Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the desire has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, dollars!
This community demands lucre to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.
Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they demand to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.
It seems that everyone I know is talking about traffic these days. Whether commuting from the countryside or crossing county for shopping, everybody has problems.
Most residents I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades locals! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Lloyd announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.
Councilman Oscar, always outspoken, said "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for these considerations." Councilman Jones, as usual, countered "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
A study of 82 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Santa Cruz Anteaters, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Michael Manning was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Verner.
Manning tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Frank Utley, Manning's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A local jogger observed, "I want to crush his arm."
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I will probably just paint."
"What's the difference between Paris and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Thor Quincy of Paris in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though smoothly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Gumbolt supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Paris is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Venezuela averred yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas surrounded the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.
Emperor Albitre, distraught with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a fair idea to take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Will agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the beautiful Emperor himself.
On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel sweet. The municipality will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy citizens."
The inhabitants of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Marlon Adams, a Boise teacher, was the recipient of 16 offers of donor wrists. The colorful Marlon commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Boise General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
The denizens of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.