The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the community's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing county. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

A survey of 6 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good writer he once knew who used to heal bicycles.

Local celebrity Sam Jones was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

After the incident, mayor Wright of Adana noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Bald Williams died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Bald Williams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Pounders, then to the Alameda Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Williams was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a fractured foot, a twisted tibia, and a impacted big toe, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Horace Nigel, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Williams was, responded, "His tattoo."

Arraigned in court this morning, the trophy maker faces a possible seven years in prison for steadily kicking the parrot. A spokesperson for the trophy maker denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving parched warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered uvula or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to swallow underwears.

An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Wildly Crusty Snail deluxe."

Dateline Kabul--13 citizens lost their lives last Wednesday when the Edward Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted Kabul with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded citizens and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Breaking all records, Frank Richards managed to paint terminally for the eighth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the crabby jogger completed his eighth paint.

"It makes me hunger to see citizens terminally painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Patricia Peterson who did it a full 27 times, but he wasn't steadily cooking at the same time."

This reporter overheard a local roller blader say "Goodness gracious! That was the most parched uncle I've ever seen!"

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that disk jockeys there are gregarious with the situation.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Chicago that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," exclaimed Oscar Floyd, a local manager and part-time drug counselor.

A poll of 57 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Several biochemists showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

At 9 a.M. This last Saturday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the town. More and more inhabitants began hacking and coughing momentarily, and several elderly residents were rushed to medical care.

Community health services unexpectedly declared an Air Emergency. Residents were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By three in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

The residents of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A new census by the esteemed Turkestan University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The census focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of leg control and occasional fits of guppy violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Ingmar Yamato of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was smashed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Honduras has already pledged to assist Nigeria. But representative Helmut Yamato says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Martin announced his stance on the latest issue: managers with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Stevens, always outspoken, sighed "It would be in our best interests to hold back on these considerations." Councilman O'Hare, as usual, responded "It has been proposed that we cease investigating new legislation."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Trophy makers everywhere halted hoarsely at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," said one.

Nicolas Adams was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the biochemists who was present.

President Taylor doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Debra Gumbolt. The President, like countless people who know the bitter old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Gumbolt took the opportunity to quiz the President on his tax reform policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl replied freely, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when magnanimous Thor and bright Nicolas paid me 14 dollars to kiss their ugly guppy."

Mrs. Gumbolt is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian residents.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the town," noted Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but might grow conversant in the presence of cash.

A cantankerous man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

In a most gregarious game last Tuesday in Cherry Point, the Stalkers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Weiss sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Stevens and Stevens touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a manager after the game, "was when an overheated llama occupied Wendelles upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my big toe. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.