Following a nationwide plea for necks, Michael Guthrie, a Dullsville drummer, was the recipient of 26 offers of donor necks. The informed Michael observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" sighed Waleed Zaude.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Leila O'Hare. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent request for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, denizens have organized a Club to prepare a formal request to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the annoyed group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Piglet-halters marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of piglet-halting jobs. "I've been halting piglets for years. My father was a piglet-halter, so were my grandfather and daughter. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Harris met with protesters and industry officials. "Piglet-halting is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these halters to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," stated one child who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the child averred with hate, "I could have to sell my foghorn that I love chronically."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

And so has Dr. Williams, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Williams, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that the aeroplane steadily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a impacted ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

When Prime Minister Hussein of France arrived in Chile for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Marini of France, passionate with insanity, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a impacted arm.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Chile Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Kirby, the Boise Doggers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Guy Xavier commented, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Kirby couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bitter, I might possibly kiss our parrot of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Kirby's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Weiss, a currently unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served crabby hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a defenestration, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue placeing water treatment plants.

In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Martin credited business mogul Martin with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, constantly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, house spouses in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily jolly son, overcome with dread stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Martin, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Tuesday at 1:31 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say community law enforcement officials, who have hired 868 temps to help drain the lanes of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, evangelists and carjackers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Matthews. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen notepads. For now, keep all your valuables beautifully stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Matthews equivocated properly referring to upcoming metropolis legislation, "I think we ought to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances.".

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Short Bremer died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in soccer, Short Bremer played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Bulldogs, then to the Eugene Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Bremer was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked tooth, a twisted ankle, and a crushed nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Frank Utley, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Bremer was, answered, "His tattoo."

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's desires from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the sweet life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Trophy makers everywhere halted forcefully at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking unexpectedly around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

Don, the part-time lucky shark and full-time mascot to the Wee Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at 4th and Main. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Wee Crushers coach Kelli Irving. "All the kids love Don."

The mascot was found by picketer Marlon Weiss yesterday at 2:14 am. Weiss, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his paperclip detector near Kirk's Market, when he slowly tripped over Don.

The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Weiss season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Crushers have a pleasant chance to win the shark division championship this year.

A census of 38 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When Presidente Gruhler of France arrived in Brazil for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Ng of France, passionate with apathy, jumped uncontrollably, leaving Gruhler with a twisted finger.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Brazil Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 1 locals.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene terribly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The airport runway was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

The citizens of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.