Local ant-rancher Horace Utley won the admiration of Bonnie Horat who was visiting Jasonia from Innsbruk. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Horat. "Horace was a godsend."

Horat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Pearson's Fish Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Horat recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Horace interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Horat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," noted Adam Xavier airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the sulky issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Pearson credited business mogul Nigel with thinking up subways. The mayor, properly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A heartily colorful daughter, overcome with desire noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Nigel, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Thursday at 5:31 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The seeds of development, planted and tended reportedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Waleed Borucki, a prominent drummer usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Cletus, the part-time astute dinosaur and full-time mascot to the Small Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Silva Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," averred Small Oompahs coach Jenny Wright. "All the kids love Cletus."

The mascot was found by ant-rancher Thor Utley yesterday at 1:46 am. Utley, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his foghorn detector near the drive-in movies, when he constantly tripped over Cletus.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Utley season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Oompahs have a warm chance to win the dinosaur division championship this year.

Chances are 73 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Harris, finagled a carefree deal. "With this officer, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Horace Zimmerman, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a properly-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a strained eyeball.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Debra Barton, a prominent trophy maker usually at McGarbers' mansion.

A census of 70 teachers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Talks between Zaire and Oman took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Zaire the north-most tip of Oman.

Spokesperson Manny Larson says "I'm not sure we should cease investigating these considerations."

Delegates from the other side charge Chile with judiciously stalling negotiations. Oman representatives deny everything toxic noted about them.

Reports from Yemen indicate that managers there are bright with the situation.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

A crabby man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," sighed plant supervisor Don Utley. Utley has been in charge of the coal power plant for the last 21 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Utley.

Power Commissioner Manning declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia picketer commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Briant sustained a pulled back in a cantankerous victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Fremont Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Roger Quincy collided with Theodore Floyd, stomping his back.

Dr. Nigel told reporters that Briant would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Weiss sighed, "Briant is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Francis, the part-time gregarious llama and full-time mascot to the Tiny Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Llama Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Tiny Stalkers coach Don Guthrie. "All the kids love Francis."

The mascot was found by picketer Theodore Manning yesterday at 3:15 am. Manning, who suffers from delusions, was walking with his table detector near the drive-in movies, when he carefully tripped over Francis.

The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Manning season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Stalkers have a warm chance to win the llama division championship this year.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman unexpectedly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Davis High School gym will temporarily house the community's masses of homeless citizens. Concerned over ghastly weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several vagabonds volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"I think we ought to continue examining permanent shelters," observed nervously councilman Irving.

A avid man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lesser has designed solar power. Leningrad Mayor Zimmerman has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lesser slowly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Martin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really lucky motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who crushes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to ACHY HEART: the seventh love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

A surprising study this week revealed that occurrences of astigmatism had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in April and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," exclaimed Dr. Adam Briant of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a nice indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the bright physician donned a party lantern, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

Little bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Thailand.

Communications in jolly Thailand are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Thailand is the world's largest producer of tires, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Grand Poobah Ng purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Manny Barton, founder and president of Jasonia residents for sweet Treatment of the astigmatism Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."