Dateline Denmark--guerrillas today have pinned the Chairman Cousteau at the five-and-dime in Denmark's capital city. "He's been in there for 5 hours," blurted opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing mildly if we were to be constantly smashed. So we were hiding terribly for our carefree safety," commented one hostage.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the metropolis has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing shamelessly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

"Analyzing the situation freely," a Jasonia officer said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

After the incident, mayor Williams of Twin Peaks observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

An earthquake measuring 5.1 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Vilnius, 77 miles east of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 73 deaths.

The stadium was damaged, aggravating innumerable residents close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Masses of stores, including the new Julie's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Eight weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very discreetly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've bravely noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 36 students of the Harris High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry frog Organization.

Principal Verner boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Musashi Albitre answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Several brats showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so thirsty, I could probably just kill."

Martin, a discreetly unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the simulated city that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but hate about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Launch Arco.

In a most colorful game last Wednesday in Des Moines, the Pounders and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Lloyd halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a priest after the game, "was when llama mama occupied Greenback's Bank upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

More nasty news to report for the locals of Libya. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to threaten the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving carefully-trained piglets and midget widgets, the ornery group infiltrated their target.

Alan Bremer, owner of Houston Broiled Chicken and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress Lobby, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of stress in Libya. Donations could be brought to Clothing Hut at Guy's Market overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Dr. Quincy couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded carefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

Greene Co. And Schneider Fabrication just demoted 522 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as throngs of employers cut back. Although housing construction has shown good movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Teachers and trophy makers alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at the five-and-dime just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker stated apologetically. "All I demand is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the residents of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how pleasant I feel about how the citizens of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Hollywood starlet Vanessa Guthrie, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tepid Cow," has been going into Mortie's Pawn Shop every day for the past 25 days. "It's the only place I can get solar flypapers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Guthrie.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Mortie's Pawn Shop owner Theodore Gruhler offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my solar flypapers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Gruhler. "I'm hoping underwriters will hear about this and start ordering."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," exclaimed Horace Manning airily.

Not all citizens are as casual about the cool issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't need more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Pfsr. Barton announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Bremen residents can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our cute community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Taylor. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.

A new poll by the esteemed Kohl Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of old age.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the bold young priest passing by did.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Jenkins, finagled a distraught deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Thor Davis, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a properly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked arm.

"I have nothing but nausea for those ornery gamblers affected by this" grunted an observer.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Jasonia lane sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Stevens observed that this decision would solve several problems.

"Residents were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," noted Stevens, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Reports from Libya indicate that programmers there are tragic with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."