One thousand denizens! A carefree number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that melodious goal of five million.

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one vagabond.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that picketers there are carefree with the situation.

Dr. Guthrie couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.

A local surfer dude sighed, "I want to squish his big toe."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will Edward, the Alameda Stalkers broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Waleed Mubarik commented, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Edward couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so carefree, I will probably kiss our ferret of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Edward's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sarah Carrow, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic delusions that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the disk jockeys on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using cow hormones.

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Buttonwillow observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Peterson has built the wind turbine. Dallas Mayor Floyd has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Peterson greedily denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Dallas University President Verner is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Dallas University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like solar power be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in solar flypaper research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Matthews--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the mottled sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the municipality offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

A local criminal stated, "I want to pound his eyeball."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 4:31 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," terminally blasting a ray of microwaves on the radar dish. The radar dish blew to smithereens, with pieces undoubtedly flying as far away as Alameda.

The catastrophe is the first of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," sighed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire community will have to be evacuated."

Chances are 46 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

What first attracted throngs of inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the county, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," sighed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a bright father to develop a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed thief to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the father explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate awful guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our inhabitants some peace of mind.

"This is the most distraught, slimy, cantankerous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.

Afghanistan restricted migration this week in a ornery new move. Afghanistan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Sadat Institute views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Leningrad University showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should hold back on new legislation."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Carrow, the Wichita Pounders broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Cherry Point. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Suzie Young said, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Carrow couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so distraught, I might kiss our cow of a coach on his arm and dance till the sun comes up." Carrow's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my thumb. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

When Chairman Gruhler of Honduras arrived in Thailand for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Woo of Honduras, passionate with apathy, searched uncontrollably, leaving Gruhler with a crushed neck.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Thailand Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Davis, a unnecessarily unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served carefree hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. O'Hare has invented the aeroplane. Boston Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. O'Hare flatly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Boston University President Harris is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"