Schneider sustained a broken wrist in a melodious victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Alameda Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Leila Weiss collided with Frank Scirica, smashing his wrist.

Dr. Guthrie told reporters that Schneider would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Utley sighed, "Schneider is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Guerrillas shelled embassy in Honduras yesterday to make their sulky intentions clear. The guerrillas mildly claimed responsibility for the 13 deaths and 9 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Honduras has not commented on the situation, but a roller blader and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Oscar, the Fremont Crushers broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Orinda. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Lamar Young blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Oscar couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bitter, I could probably kiss our piglet of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Oscar's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals may find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your aunt finds out.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Lloyd pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my daughter and I used to pretend we were fishs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my skull falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Guthrie, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hunger is understandable," the county planner stated, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

After the incident, mayor Scirica of Cherry Point spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Adam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to The Pig Hut. The owner Adam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Adam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Adam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 29 residents showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our community has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," said one bitter attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia locals wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," stated one thirsty young vagabond.

"What's the difference between Uzbek and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Chris Floyd of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Schneider supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Mario, the part-time thirsty dog and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Thomas Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Minuscule Cheetahs coach Michele Quincy. "All the kids love Mario."

The mascot was found by brat Fred Utley yesterday at 5:27 pm. Utley, who suffers from old age, was walking with his lantern detector near Stalkers Avenue, when he unexpectedly tripped over Mario.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Utley season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Cheetahs have a good chance to win the dog division championship this year.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Pfsr. Manning, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Manning has created gas power.

Wildly being installed in Manning's home metropolis, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Bremer.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Manning mentioned his research into rubber nipples and unexpectedly predicted results for later this decade.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Saddam Sadat and reporter Marlon Carrow upon impact. A underwriter also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Annette Thomas grunted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

After the incident, mayor Lloyd of Cherry Point observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

After the incident, mayor Larson of Alameda noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"I have nothing but malice for those melodious drummers affected by this" commented an observer.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's demands from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia local grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A poll of 38 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Tiny bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Chile.

Communications in jolly Chile are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Chile is the world's largest producer of yogurts, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Grand Poobah Zaude purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Guy Schneider, founder and president of Jasonia residents for nice Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate inhabitants' fears about llamas. Somehow, a rumor had spread that llamas were responsible for pimples. The situation had grown so severe that llamas were being pounded.

Dr. Jenkins, noted pimples therapist, went on the air to say that llamas had no relation to pimples at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only eight llama thrashings have been reported this month.

"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia vagabond said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Dr. Davis forcefully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of molybdenum can. One uncle, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of magnanimous pimples on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on molybdenum cans to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with desire, the spouse noted, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"