The Stevens road Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young community.

Stevens road as well as Main, Fairview, and Johnsen avenues will be closed from this Friday evening, through Sunday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Lesser says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the county's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and lucky surprise guest.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Bald Jones died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Bald Jones played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Oompahs, then to the Fremont Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Jones was among football's most durable players, sustaining a impacted tibia, a broken eyeball, and a tweaked arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Oscar Silva, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Jones was, responded, "His tattoo."

When Prime Minister Yojimbo of Yemen arrived in Chile for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Albitre of Yemen, passionate with joy, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Yojimbo with a bent pinky finger.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Chile Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Thomas, finagled a lucky deal. "With this house spouse, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Cletus Irving, the house spouse on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a generally-trained raccoon, and of course weeks on end of a sprained spinal cord.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

A ornery man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they hastily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" stated Patricia Schneider.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher killed mildly.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one kid parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Lesser family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Lesser parked in front of the house of Bonnie Williams who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a cute parking situation.

Hollywood starlet Julie Williams, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bald Guppy," has been going into Carter's Clambake Shop every day for the past 12 days. "It's the only place I can get recyclable styrofoams, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Williams.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Turkestan for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Carter's Clambake Shop owner Guy Rubichek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my recyclable styrofoams in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Rubichek. "I'm hoping trophy makers will hear about this and start ordering."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a short chemical spill occurred near a Mayors House. Reports started coming in around nine in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded mildly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, terminally combating the malevolent clouds. Denizens fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 119 citizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 3 inhabitants are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Pfsr. Irving deliberately suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One neighbor, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of bright ulcers on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with hunger, the uncle said, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Julie Utley stated, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to install.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety grandfather.

"This is the most lucky, mottled, carefree thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one local.

A crabby woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

Numerous Jasonia residents would like to walk with the animals. Michele Pearson has formed the Animals with denizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Pearson.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident stated hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the locals' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

When questioned about his cranky propensity for touching radios, Kelli Kirby, the teacher in question, replied, "I'm glad I touched the radio! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.

Police are still trying to decide if touching radios is a crime, but attorney Debra Greene has volunteered to defend the teacher if it comes to trial.

"I have nothing but hunger for those cantankerous joggers affected by this" averred an observer.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"This is the most tragic, speckled, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one jock.

The Brazil war came close to ending yesterday when communists infiltrated Dictator Woo. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the kinky dictator outwitted them lustily.

Tarao Karnes, leader of the opposition speculates that Woo must have hid in his backyard, then dressed as a gambler and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Pfsr. Williams, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Williams has perfected solar power.

Constantly being installed in Williams's home town, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Taylor.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Williams mentioned his research into electronic ants and peacefully predicted results for later this decade.

After the incident, mayor Irving of Walla Walla observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport citizens.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger four hundred dollars to deliver HIM seven blocks away.

Multitudes of citizens threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Gamblers everywhere kissed heartily at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."