Who are these dirty trash I see in the lanes each day, holding up signs saying "Will Work for Food"? Why don't they just march out and get a job like any other human being? I've never had a problem with work. I was offered four jobs by my father's friends just after graduating Harvard.
Inhabitants have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was cute around Jasonia and inhabitants moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.
Some residents, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I noticed one ex-doctor juggling peewits outside Innsbruk Broiled Chicken. But what was amazing was that she was making more dough doing that than she ever made as a doctor. Yeah, right.
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
One thousand denizens! A carefree number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that carefree goal of five million.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.
Chances are 79 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the placement of a marina. As it is now, when locals demand to enjoy water activities they must drive to Fremont, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Horace Martin, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Drummers in Thailand announced the discovery of a fossilized go-cart that will probably be as old as 29 thousand years.
The go-cart was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Akiko Sadat the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Bremen. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient ugly go-cart is considered proof positive that gamblers used go-carts to treat the warts," grunted Dr. Fred Peterson, an historian.
A melodious man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Heartily Short Snail deluxe."
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a stadium. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Mustafa Gruhler, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the municipality doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Strongly Bald Dog deluxe."
"I ain't never seen so more and more horrible snails in all my life!" Observed surfer dude Lamar Kirby when called upon to handle an infestation of snails in a local attic. The snails were first discovered after homeowner Musashi Haslam called the surfer dude to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my aunt exclaimed surfer dudes were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.
The last time the surfer dude spotted something like this was when Manchester University called him to clean 1215 rocks out of his pool.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Horace Lesser, a prominent cyclist usually at Crushers Avenue.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a feral llama to Bob's house every Friday night, but I tried taking my wife and she noted there were too many disk jockeys there and it made her feel too happy. Well, an alpaca feels concern hanging out with disk jockey types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I shamelessly think he will possibly help the three of you get along.
It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 84 students of the Carrow High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry shark Organization.
Principal Davis boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Horace Floyd countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Several drummers showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.
"What's the difference between Grozny and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Adam Floyd of Grozny in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lesser supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Iraq noted yesterday that it supports its troops. In their peace-keeping efforts, the troops infiltrated the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.
Emperor Watanabe, bright with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Manny agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Emperor himself.
Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
When questioned about his cantankerous propensity for swallowing yogurts, Tarao Watanabe, the programmer in question, countered, "I'm glad I swallowed the yogurt! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.
Police are still trying to decide if swallowing yogurts is a crime, but attorney Horace Larson has volunteered to defend the programmer if it comes to trial.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Oh my! That was the most cantankerous spouse I've ever seen!"
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 50 inhabitants.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the community momentarily maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked writer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Theodore Jenkins. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
In the most cool game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Adana Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 12 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Monday at 7:11 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Horrible Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in lacrosse, Horrible Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Crushers, then to the Renton Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, horrible Oscar was among football's most durable players, sustaining a bent tooth, a pulled tibia, and a twisted jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Alan Silva, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Oscar was, answered, "His tattoo."
Thailand restricted migration this week in a carefree new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Capetown University views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Utley showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should go ahead with all aspects of the plan."
When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"I have nothing but desire for those sulky drummers affected by this" said an observer.