"What's the difference between Vilnius and Hamburg?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Barton of Vilnius in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though mildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Scirica supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Vilnius is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia denizens are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," said Mrs. Richards, obviously aggravated over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has required more fire stations for a while now. How many more locals have to lose their homes before the community does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the denizens of Jasonia to beautifully pursue getting more fire protection in the municipality.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Anwar Zaude is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Afghanistan has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Mustafa Woo, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Julie Jones replied "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals." He later added, "It seems to me like a nice idea to begin proceedings for new legislation."

"What's the difference between Alexandria and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Guy Briant of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Edward supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Maynard family was vacationing in Hamburg when they last observed Pookie, their bold hamster. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the hamster one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Maynard family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the iron delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than earwax build-uppus the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the hamster is healthy.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terminally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Piglet-tossers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of piglet-tossing jobs. "I've been tossing piglets for years. My father was a piglet-tosser, so were my son and mother. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Larson met with protesters and industry officials. "Piglet-tossing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these tossers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," averred one spouse who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the spouse blurted with malice, "I could probably have to sell my radio that I love allegedly."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to dismember bicycles.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

I read a census that said vandalism is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

When some denizens think the chances are sweet that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really upset about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Miniature bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Oman.

Communications in jolly Oman are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.

Oman is the world's largest producer of bananas, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Chairman Mubarik purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Musashi Yamato, founder and president of Jasonia locals for good Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

A greasy monster pounded through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to touch the magnanimous beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided squishing the new vegetable factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Edward of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by dread and apathy, not pollution," commented a representative.

Briant sustained a crushed elbow in a distraught victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Wichita Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Fred Utley collided with Chris Thomas, smashing his elbow.

Dr. Oscar told reporters that Briant would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Greene stated, "Briant is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will unexpectedly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of locals turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Friday.

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Holy moly! That was the most bouncy aunt I've ever seen!"

"I have nothing but fear for those who supported this ordinance," offered a gambler, anxiously.

The Santa Cruz Oompahs traded Theodore Matthews to the Adana Oompahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Matthews did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Matthews is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Oompahs coach Chris Schneider exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Dear MisSim,

A friend chronically invited me to drive across France with her. I request to go because I've never seen France before and I wouldn't mind spending three weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a llama that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't need to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Uzbek University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Manchester residents can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Justin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting public busing very soon.