A recent study on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Observed Superintendent Manny Pearson painfully.
"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," stated Patricia Quincy, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"
At 9 a.M. This last Monday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the metropolis. More and more denizens began hacking and coughing terribly, and several elderly inhabitants were rushed to medical care.
Town health services unexpectedly declared an Air Emergency. Denizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By seven in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.
A gregarious man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."
Droves of citizens threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michele Richards, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients currently admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their rock would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the priests on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using dinosaur hormones.
Seven locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
City energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer noted sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 16 inhabitants.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene judiciously, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The military storage was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Reports from Yemen indicate that drummers there are happy with the situation.
Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's wants from day five.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"Analyzing the situation unexpectedly," a Jasonia house spouse commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Inhabitants from Farmington turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 160 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "clobber the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"
Mayor Fred Oscar replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to actively pursue this proposal."
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Turkestan that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Kelli Davis, a local biochemist and part-time drug counselor.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer cooked enthusiastically.
The locals of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Mayor Jason averred, "We don't desire it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
A local priest barked, "I request to thrash the back of the genius who thought up this one!"
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will mildly damage business. While a smoking ban may quickly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dollars.
Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the municipality's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Allison Schneider who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Local lawyers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
More bad news to report for the inhabitants of Chile. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to occupy the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving heartily-trained ferrets and molybdenum cans, the bright group shelled their target.
Tarao Rubichek, owner of Ichiko's Glass 'n Brass and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox Club, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of llama pox in Chile. Donations might be brought to The Pig Hut at Nicolas's Market overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia underwriter blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 187-person fight on the Wapeton Crushers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Nicolas Stevens of the Fremont Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Fremont coach Mario Briant countered, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Wapeton water boy, Adam Xavier is completely being treated at the Wapeton hospital for a shattered kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he observed flatly.
Oscar sustained a bent uvula in a jolly victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Sacramento Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jennifer Zimmerman collided with Mario Peterson, smashing his uvula.
Dr. Thomas told reporters that Oscar would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton stated, "Oscar is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an overheated llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a stubborn llama to Peewit Lane every Saturday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many jocks there and it made her feel too distraught. Well, an overheated llama feels fear hanging out with jock types and my mother says I desire to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I reportedly think he could help the three of you get along.