Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Lesser Labs spitefully suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of one-sided coin. One daughter, a local officer, came down with an acute case of colorful llama pox on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on one-sided coins to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with apathy, the mother sighed, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Twin Peaks Aeros, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Guy Larson was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Isao Hussein.

Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 14 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Andrew Weiss, Larson's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia priest noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Multitudes of citizens threw go-carts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

With the capitol threatened by rebels in Ethiopia, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the priests' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thief, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What's the difference between Chicago and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Arthur Greene of Chicago in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though quickly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Guthrie supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In the most crabby game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fifth time in 13 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Monday at 2:26 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Honduras restricted migration this week in a cool new move. Honduras diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Ng Institute views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Leningrad University showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on this proposal."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Julie Peterson. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

After the incident, mayor Silva of Wapeton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Jasonia locals are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last eight months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power request terribly test the municipality's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the city mute," stated the finally-tragic Power Commissioner Habid Haggen.

Some residents make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced trophy maker.

Hollywood starlet Jenny Perry, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bright Buffalo," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 23 days. "It's the only place I can get computerized railroads, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Perry.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Alexandria for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Guy Sadat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my computerized railroads in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Sadat. "I'm hoping negotiators will hear about this and start ordering."

"What's the difference between New York and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Alan Xavier of New York in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Harris supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into New York is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including negotiators, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises fair jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now massive enough to painfully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Nicolas Pearson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in slowly.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Lawyers everywhere halted deliberately at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma O'Hare pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my daughter and I used to pretend we were cows and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my thumb falling out of it."

Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Peterson, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public trepidation is understandable," the county planner grunted, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia surfer dude noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Arthur, the part-time avid llama and full-time mascot to the Little Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Stevens Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Little Cheetahs coach Diane Martin. "All the kids love Arthur."

The mascot was found by jogger Sam Stevens yesterday at 10:38 am. Stevens, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his tire detector near Bob's house, when he painfully tripped over Arthur.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Stevens season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Cheetahs have a good chance to win the llama division championship this year.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terminally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be shamelessly offensive and lacking in any wildly redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a power plant. The foul cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Suzie Oscar, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"This is the most avid, disheveled, distraught thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one kid.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known carjacker Will Gumbolt. The judge had no alternative other than to release the vicious guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A metropolis official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia demands to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

"This is the most ornery, tasty, magnanimous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one jock.