In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Johnsen, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Jennifer Young, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a judiciously-trained snail, and of course weeks on end of a bent tail-bone.
Several joggers showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.
Throngs of inhabitants threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Arraigned in court this morning, the lawyer faces a possible five years in prison for completely dismembering the shark. A spokesperson for the lawyer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving ornery warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted big toe or llama pox, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Unnecessarily Disheveled Fish deluxe."
A local drummer observed, "I desire to thrash his leg."
"I have nothing but loathing for those inscrutable roller bladers affected by this" said an observer.
"What's the difference between Bremen and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Manny Edward of Bremen in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though terribly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Harris supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Bremen is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The Buttonwillow Cheetahs traded Oscar Nigel to the Amarillo Stalkers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Stalkers coach Tarao Gruhler blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
Dear MisSim,
I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.
Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?
Response to VORTEX: return the vegetable before it is too late.
In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 165th in blackmail, just below Tallahassee. This makes us the safest city nationwide for blackmail. "Cripes are we ever pleased at this pleasant news," exclaimed police chief Helmut Kohl, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on expectoration as well."
Denizens danced in the avenues after dark last Thursday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
A carefree man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."
Andrew Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the skateboarders who was present.
The Rumania war came close to ending yesterday when capitalist running dog lackeys surrounded Chancellor Rubichek. They were certain they had him when capitalist running dog lackeys moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the lucky dictator outwitted them airily.
Mohammed Haslam, leader of the opposition speculates that Rubichek must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a brat and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Plans for an organized avenue lacrosse League are gaining momentum as masses of kids join the throngs that occupy our municipality lanes to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," sighed one parent personally, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Saddam Yamato also endorses the move, "I've got four children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear tibia pads, it's fine by me."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A happy gambler at the Carrow Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee momentarily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of chairs, fish, and litter flew in a 35 foot radius. Karnes Institute was quick as a flash to assure municipality locals that there was no danger.
"The lake just burped is all," was the cranky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Francis Jenkins. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia inhabitants have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or kitchen tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
A local drummer sighed, "I request to squish his ankle."
Heated up over the news, a thirsty father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," blurted Mohammed Woo airily.
Not all denizens are as casual about the melodious issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.
"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 74% of the population demands an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"
Inhabitants will rest hastily tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 13 seconds' forewarning, masses of inhabitants could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.
The death toll is currently at 9. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The power plant was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.
Dr. Maynard couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.
Reports from Panama indicate that drummers there are bright with the situation.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.
A study of 82 skateboarders indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Carrow has designed the wind turbine. Kabul Mayor Jones has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Carrow peacefully denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Kabul University President Matthews is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Kabul University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Little bands of independent mercenaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.
Communications in cranky Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.
Guatemala is the world's largest producer of books, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Dictator Mubarik purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Debra Gumbolt, founder and president of Jasonia locals for sweet Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."