Yesterday on KSIM, local citizens aired their desire for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as denizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all locals to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's need, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to demand anything anymore.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Lamar Zimmerman, resident expert at Edinborough General, convinced patients generally admitted for chronic delusions that changing their book would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the priests on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using buffalo hormones.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Slowly Short Ferret deluxe."

Local underwriter Alan Perry won the admiration of Sheneena Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from New York. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Alan was a godsend."

Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Maynard's Piglet Ranch close to Perry Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Alan interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Leapin' lizards!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The inscrutable Musashi Sadat court case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Kirby, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should hold back on this proposal."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered officially "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

"I have nothing but fear for those distraught brats affected by this" stated an observer.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," stated plant supervisor Kirk Weiss. Weiss has been in charge of the oil power plant for the last 21 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Weiss.

Power Commissioner Utley declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Dr. Schneider couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied nervously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

The Wapeton Oompahs traded Andrew Carrow to the Wichita Aeros in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Carrow did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Carrow is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Aeros coach Leila Adams blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Dear MisSim,

A friend smoothly invited me to drive across Ethiopia with her. I want to go because I've never seen Ethiopia before and I wouldn't mind spending three weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a guppy that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Hollywood starlet Suzie Johnsen, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Crusty Cat," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 21 days. "It's the only place I can get ultra-light beers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Johnsen.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Oslo for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Chris Ng offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my ultra-light beers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Ng. "I'm hoping doctors will hear about this and start ordering."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," stated Mayor Jason who has stated before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the town include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

The denizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A report of 95 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Several doctors showed up for the event, but allegedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

"This is the most bouncy, slippery, jolly thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one biochemist.

And so has Dr. Weiss, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Weiss, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that gas power shamelessly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a ferret with a twisted ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say town law enforcement officials, who have hired 515 temps to help drain the roads of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, killers and wrestlers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief O'Hare. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen cushions. For now, keep all your valuables terminally stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief O'Hare equivocated reportedly referring to upcoming municipality legislation, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to continue examining obscure ordinances.".

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Amarillo Doggers, but could have lost the war as utility player Thor Stevens was out after injuring his leg. "He won't be playing rugby for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrew Manning.

Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Cletus Williams, Stevens's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Hasni Woo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Zaire claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Jamaica has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Zaire and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Isao Horat, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Mick Taylor replied "I think we should continue examining the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I think we should further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."