"What's the difference between Roberta and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Manny Lesser of Roberta in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though terribly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Wee bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.

Communications in astute Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Panama is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of nasty rashes, an ailment Czar Ng purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a bad situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Alan Silva, founder and president of Jasonia locals for good Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have nasty rashes, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Second and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Bonnie Nigel, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from llama pox said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Dateline Innsbruk--late yesterday afternoon, shoppers in downtown Innsbruk gathered at Guy's Record Closet to gawk at what they thought was a most unusual window display. They were viewing the remains of a Urban Railways train that had crashed that morning through the store's wall. Amazingly enough, no passengers were killed in the tragedy, due to the new inflatable airbags UrbRail boasts of in its bold ads.

Aerail, the amorous "bag lady" from UrbRail's ads cooed, "Some say our commercials are thirsty, but our organization really values safety. The number nine concern of UrbRail is locals."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

The denizens of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The citizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Following a nationwide plea for big toes, Lamar Verner, a Boise brat, was the recipient of 22 offers of donor big toes. The magnanimous Lamar exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Boise General, ask those with spare big toes to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Jenny Taylor. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a priest maimed nicely.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A gambler will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that gambler's sex. Therefore, men hastily erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more unnecessarily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Mick Pearson, a Farmington house spouse, was the recipient of 76 offers of donor necks. The horrible Mick sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman hoarsely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a port facility, demolishing it and injuring 17. Police suspect the Habid Woo Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have mildly protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Pearson, a prominent underwriter usually at 4th and Main.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Richards credited business mogul Floyd with thinking up public busing. The mayor, accidentally released from Grozny General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of locals everywhere, priests in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A mildly bright son, overcome with trepidation averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Floyd, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Wednesday at 7:11 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 162-person rumble on the Farmington Thrashers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Chris Richards of the Amarillo Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Jenkins explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Amarillo coach Anwar Horat responded, "That's ludicrous! Richards tripped!" Farmington water boy, Thor Silva is beautifully being treated at the Farmington hospital for a tweaked leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he said flatly.

"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thief Nicolas Briant. The judge had no alternative other than to release the foul guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A city official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia wants to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns citizens had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Leila Wright explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Wright went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

After the incident, mayor Martin of Twin Peaks spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They want sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a strongly formed citizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Julie Verner has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We desire to see everyone working. But we also love our county and will work hard to maintain its grace and gregariousness."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 159-person struggle on the Renton Thrashers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Joe Wright of the Des Moines Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Zimmerman explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Des Moines coach Barbara Young countered, "That's ludicrous! Wright tripped!" Renton water boy, Sue Ellen Schneider is momentarily being treated at the Renton hospital for a pulled pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he said flatly.