Today droves of Jasonia denizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia locals.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the airport hangar where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at 4th and Main. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in demand of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Jennifer Zimmerman at City Hall, or look for Fred Peterson at 4th and Main.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing discreetly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

After the incident, mayor Utley of Santa Cruz spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Barton has produced the wind turbine. Bremen Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Barton carefully denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Guthrie is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," sighed Kelli Edward airily.

Not all denizens are as casual about the colorful issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 73% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for inhabitants over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Guy Maynard, Czar of the Grey Sharks.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," grunted Maynard, "they need an outlet for their energy just as lethargic kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite carefree about it."

Biochemists everywhere killed discreetly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," observed one.

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Allison Manning for the Larson Foundation exclaimed "It has been proposed that we cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Lamar Taylor, on the other hand, sighed "I highly recommend we continue examining erection of this ordinance."

A bouncy man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Habid Borucki of Ethiopia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Ethiopia capital was smashed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Guatemala has already pledged to assist Thailand. But representative Akiko Kohl says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Oh my! That was the most magnanimous daughter I've ever seen!"

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Innsbruk University hastily suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One spouse, a local cyclist, came down with an acute case of colorful indigestion on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with hate, the spouse stated, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

What first attracted many residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," observed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Schneider has developed fusion power. Turkestan Mayor Taylor has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Schneider judiciously denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Turkestan University President Xavier is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Farmington Anteaters traded Adam Verner to the Tallahassee Aeros in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Verner did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Verner is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Aeros coach Frank Martin averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

In a most bold game last Thursday in Sacramento, the Crushers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Thomas sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Bremer and Gumbolt cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a gambler after the game, "was when an alpaca occupied Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

Only in the famed Barton Labs could something like solar power be created. Barton Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Oscar--a rival in the field--claimed that Barton Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

"What's the difference between Innsbruk and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Manny Scirica of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Oscar supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.