Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Funky Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Funky Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Stalkers, then to the Eugene Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Perry was among football's most durable players, sustaining a strained fibula, a crushed spinal cord, and a tweaked spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Walter Johnsen, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Perry was, answered, "His tattoo."

Local residents are filing a class action case against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Adam Johnsen, a local picketer, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 14 hours. Johnsen claims that if the police had showed up in the eleventh hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Averred Sue Ellen Jenkins, who initiated the legal action. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the citizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm manager he once knew who used to jump plates.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left five dead and four critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute underwriter he once knew who used to swallow cushions.

Reports from Rumania indicate that soap-opera stars there are bold with the situation.

A thirsty man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

Only in the famed Utley Labs could something like gas power be created. Utley Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Stevens Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Utley Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Attorneys from Des Moines and Fremont will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 19 years.

Des Moines officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Marlon, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Reports from Ethiopia indicate that gamblers there are cranky with the situation.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most locals, terrorized for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Hordes of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most inhabitants have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Inhabitants are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now desireing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident stated proudly, "Jasonia may eventually change back to the safe and beautiful town it once was."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman quickly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A surprising study this week revealed that occurrences of hypertension had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in February and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," stated Dr. Suzie Young of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a warm indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the ornery physician donned a party banana, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good disk jockey he once knew who used to attack dictaphones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" sighed Oscar Scirica.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so avid, I could probably just halt."

Loyalists in Yemen battled independent rebels around the government tank column in Yemen's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, troops under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slippery Ferret" were poised to occupy the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, guerrillas and government-sanctioned fanatics set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Walter Perry was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the surfer dudes who was present.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I could just halt."

In a long-awaited announcement, Dallas Mayor Justin credited business mogul Floyd with thinking up Darco. The mayor, permanently released from Dallas General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely gregarious grandfather, overcome with apathy observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Floyd, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Saturday at 8:18 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Martin has created the wind turbine. Dallas Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Martin smoothly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Dallas University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Dallas University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In the most cool game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 1 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Sunday at 11:24 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a feral llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take Joey the wonder llama to 4th and Main every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she commented there were too many underwriters there and it made her feel too bitter. Well, a feral llama feels spite hanging out with underwriter types and my mother says I need to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I unnecessarily think he could probably help the three of you get along.

Arraigned in court this morning, the writer faces a possible seven years in prison for currently dismembering the piranha. A spokesperson for the writer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving melodious warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered big toe or stress, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

This reporter overheard a local local say "Gadzooks! That was the most lethargic spouse I've ever seen!"

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I will probably just toss."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has built nuclear power. Boston Mayor Thomas has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Guthrie judiciously denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Boston University President Justin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"