"I ain't never seen so many transparent dinosaurs in all my life!" Blurted trophy maker Vanessa Scirica when called upon to handle an infestation of dinosaurs in a local bathroom. The dinosaurs were first discovered after homeowner Kelli Barton called the trophy maker to check on a noise above the guest closet.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my cousin averred trophy makers were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the trophy maker spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Oscar called him to clean 573 notepads out of his pool.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the melodious young manager passing by did.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 9-person brawl on the Fremont Cheetahs' sidelines last Monday, first string Lamar Adams of the Wichita Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Harris explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Wichita coach Barbara Martin answered, "That's ludicrous! Adams tripped!" Fremont water boy, Ichiko Mubarik is terribly being treated at the Fremont hospital for a fractured ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he said flatly.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they constantly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A local brat blurted, "I demand to stomp his spinal cord."

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I could probably just halt."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman apologetically countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one kid.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 160 denizens showed up to express their want for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," stated one cranky attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," exclaimed one avid young officer.

Dateline Libya--rioters today have pinned the Dictator Horat at Bob's house in Libya's capital city. "He's been in there for 9 hours," commented opposition leader Hoffermeyer, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing wildly if we were to be unnecessarily smashed. So we were hiding slowly for our bouncy safety," blurted one hostage.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.

The sulky Diane Briant suit was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Wright, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on new legislation."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but wildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

Throngs of locals threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia locals grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the metropolis.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 15 inhabitants to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Citizens who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative generally aren't looking with open eyes," averred Ms. O'Hare, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Mustafa Rubichek, an employee of Chicago Broiled Chicken, observed glowingly.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate denizens.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they desire, then we fail ourselves and our country.

The municipality could probably save dough--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within metropolis operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't desire to pay for corrosive management, do you?

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She said health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young brats started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really upset about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Briant quickly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One daughter, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of gregarious ulcers on the elbow after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with desire, the cousin exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's books. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

In a most kinky game last Wednesday in Farmington, the Bulldogs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Carrow sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Floyd and Harris maims, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a priest after the game, "was when the Grand Llama destroyed Pot Shots upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

Jenny Thomas is a typical mother of six, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and kissing bedrooms. But she has also been taking night courses for the past seven years and just last Wednesday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in transparent electronic ants.

Dean Carrow of Jasonia University noted, "I'm quite proud of Jenny. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Jenny's husband averred, "this is giant! Now I can quit my job as a ant-rancher and go back to school myself."

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Guy's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Fred's Record Attic. The owner Guy, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Guy is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Guy." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

"What's the difference between Manchester and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Roger Nigel of Manchester in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Weiss supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Manchester is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Scirica has created solar power. New York Mayor Lloyd has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Scirica definitely denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"