New York University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Alexandria found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Alexandria citizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our warm town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Alexandria Mayor Briant. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Launch Arco very soon.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they actively raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled allegedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Chances are 59 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Local celebrity Marlon Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 35 denizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press suit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the city currently maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the court case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Officers everywhere searched buoyantly at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," said one.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who blurted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Dateline Afghanistan--guerrillas today have pinned the Dictator Glotz at Andrew's Market in Afghanistan's capital city. "He's been in there for 6 hours," grunted opposition leader Haslam, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing discreetly if we were to be smoothly squished. So we were hiding mildly for our cool safety," commented one hostage.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," stated Mayor Jason who has grunted before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the county include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

A carefree woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Following this news, proponents met at Jenny's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Lloyd, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Hasni Haggen, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a llama clamp, a terribly-trained piglet, and of course weeks on end of a crushed foot.

"I have nothing but fear for those ornery house spouses affected by this" blurted an observer.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Suzie Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Taylor hoarsely suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of computerized railroad. One spouse, a local priest, came down with an acute case of avid llama pox on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on computerized railroads to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.

Filled with nausea, the spouse grunted, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Talks between Honduras and Quatar took a turn of extortion today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the south-most tip of Quatar.

Spokesperson Sheneena Maynard says "I think we should continue examining obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Chile with permanently stalling negotiations. Quatar representatives deny everything corrosive sighed about them.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the informed young manager passing by did.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Terribly Beautiful Ferret deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

An earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Chicago, 5 miles east-west of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 4 deaths.

The small store was damaged, aggravating more and more locals close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Swarms of stores, including the new Debra's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

Hollywood starlet Allison Maynard, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Slimy Peewit," has been going into Joe's Record Closet every day for the past 18 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Maynard.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Lamar's Record Stairwell owner Nicolas Kohl offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Kohl. "I'm hoping soap-opera stars will hear about this and start ordering."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Peterson, the Alameda Oompahs broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Alameda Coach Will Richards commented, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Peterson couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so lucky, I might possibly kiss our ferret of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Peterson's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman officially replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," said Councilman Patricia Edward, "we're getting fewer than three traffic complaints each week and other departments need the dollars."

"We must look to the future!" Averred Chris Peterson, owner of the Peterson Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Wowzers"

Mayor Jason answered to Petersons accusation, "I highly recommend we continue examining this proposal.".

Masses of locals threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Capetown University painfully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One uncle, a local ant-rancher, came down with an acute case of inscrutable old age on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with apathy, the mother said, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

City energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer commented sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.