"I ain't never seen so throngs of ugly piranhas in all my life!" Sighed disk jockey Alan Young when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local bathroom. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Tarao Gruhler called the disk jockey to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother noted disk jockeys were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the disk jockey spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Larson called him to clean 6245 books out of his pool.

Julie Pearson was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the house spouses who was present.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

5 were killed and 17 injured when nine gangs opened fire on each other near Schneider Street. Police responded within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, teachers Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," averred one surviving teacher.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-13 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as cantankerous teachers sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," averred Officer Schneider, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

More tough news to report for the residents of France. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to surround the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving slowly-trained fishs and recyclable styrofoams, the kinky group shelled their target.

Mario Carrow, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Lobby, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of nasty rashes in France. Donations could be brought to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut at Frog Lane overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled smoothly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Oscar, the part-time avid hamster and full-time mascot to the Small Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Cow Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Small Thrashers coach Mohammed Ng. "All the kids love Oscar."

The mascot was found by trophy maker Guy Peterson yesterday at 2:46 pm. Peterson, who suffers from stress, was walking with his stroller detector near 4th and Main, when he unnecessarily tripped over Oscar.

The Bulldogs showed their appreciation by giving Peterson season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Thrashers have a sweet chance to win the hamster division championship this year.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Mick Edward: "I dunno. It's probably like pollution in all cities this size."

Theodore Quincy: "yesterday at school, all our PE classes were canceled because of the smog alert. I guess that says it!"

Marlon Martin: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"

Walter Guthrie: "the pollution is a problem here. My wife and I have been looking at property near Cherry Point to get away from it."

Will Briant: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this community."

Roger Carrow: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn llamas."

Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Marlon O'Hare, a Renton lawyer, was the recipient of 52 offers of donor pancreass. The jolly Marlon commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Hollywood starlet Jennifer Johnsen, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bumpy Buffalo," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 27 days. "It's the only place I can get molybdenum cans, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Johnsen.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Alexandria for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Mick Borucki offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my molybdenum cans in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Borucki. "I'm hoping ant-ranchers will hear about this and start ordering."

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable county, it's time, countless inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.

One aunt wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the informed writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."

Only a puny number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Des Moines Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Frank Harris was out after injuring his uvula. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mustafa Granillo.

Harris tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 96 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Andrew Jones, Harris's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" blurted Saddam Ng.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

One thousand citizens! A cool number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that horrible goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia priest grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The Santa Cruz Cheetahs traded Fred Johnsen to the Adana Oompahs in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Johnsen did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Johnsen is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Oompahs coach Annette Carrow averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who averred you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that the aeroplane terribly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a impacted ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a museum, demolishing it and injuring 9. Police suspect the Mohammed Yamato Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have permanently protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from cow netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Reports from Yemen indicate that joggers there are jolly with the situation.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," blurted plant supervisor Chris Richards. Richards has been in charge of the solar power plant for the last 36 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Richards.

Power Commissioner Stevens declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were developed as a result.