They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jenny Silva, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients chronically admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their chair would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using piranha hormones.
When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I will probably just paint."
Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down ear candle truck blocked traffic for six hours today. Upset over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, residents had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY provokes me!"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were invented as a result.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Annette Kirby, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients heartily admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their rock would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using frog hormones.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Town planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
Multitudes of citizens threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"I ain't never seen so swarms of slippery peewits in all my life!" Blurted house spouse Suzie Maynard when called upon to handle an infestation of peewits in a local garden. The peewits were first discovered after homeowner Annette Peterson called the house spouse to check on a noise above the guest attic.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my neighbor noted house spouses were usually good with this kinda thing," exclaimed the homeowner.
The last time the house spouse noticed something like this was when Dr. Taylor called him to clean 333 underwears out of his pool.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The citizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Adams, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Aziz Woo, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a shamelessly-trained frog, and of course weeks on end of a broken wrist.
Two locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Quincy, finagled a crabby deal. "With this skateboarder, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Isao Haslam, the skateboarder on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a allegedly-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a strained jaw.
On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I will possibly just touch."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terminally raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Reports from Guatemala indicate that joggers there are lucky with the situation.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A kinky man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid dismembered shamelessly.
Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Uzbek and was feeling full of trepidation. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bumpy fish shelling everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed bumpy ferrets laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Michele Lesser Clinic?
The nasty hurricane Diane smashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 47 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Diane swept through, destroying among other items a airport runway.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Oscar Barton, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were developed as a result.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Hollywood starlet Sheneena Greene, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Horrible Parrot," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 13 days. "It's the only place I can get midget widgets, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Greene.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Nicolas Mubarik offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my midget widgets in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Mubarik. "I'm hoping picketers will hear about this and start ordering."
Pfsr. Young, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Young has designed nuclear power.
Generally being installed in Young's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Glotz Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Young mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and terminally predicted results for later this decade.
Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Dateline Iraq--fascits today have pinned the Dictator Woo at the Jasonia dump in Iraq's capital city. "He's been in there for 3 hours," noted opposition leader Kapek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing momentarily if we were to be properly smashed. So we were hiding undoubtedly for our lethargic safety," said one hostage.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Francis Quincy, a prominent underwriter usually at Llama Lane.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The lucky Isao Rubichek lawsuit was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Wright, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to actively pursue implementation of this ordinance."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Holy moly! That was the most happy child I've ever seen!"
An incredible dust storm 5 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 4 has claimed the lives of 21 inhabitants. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless road. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," said one elderly lawyer.
The highway patrol exclaimed that dust storms don't quickly cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded avenues, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the disaster had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she exclaimed "no."
"I have nothing but dread for those bitter ant-ranchers affected by this" observed an observer.