The Boise Doggers traded Walter Guthrie to the Fremont Bulldogs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Guthrie did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated jaw injury. Expectations are high because Guthrie is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Bulldogs coach Ingmar Mubarik blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked jaw is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

Microscopic bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Kenya.

Communications in lucky Kenya are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Kenya is the world's largest producer of rocks, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Presidente Kohl purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Fred Richards, founder and president of Jasonia locals for good Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Kirby credited business mogul Wright with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, generally released from Boston General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, picketers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically colorful uncle, overcome with apathy said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Wright, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Tuesday at 9:26 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it may allegedly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor noted, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"Analyzing the situation quickly," a Jasonia negotiator commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The denizens of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A government survey of police stations across SimNation revealed that Jasonia ranks third in cases of extortion. This puts Jasonia in the top two percent for this type of crime.

"It's a statistical fluke," said Chief Horace Zimmerman unabashedly, "and my predecessor was responsible. In addition, the report was rigged against me."

Arthur Lloyd, author of the survey, said that many factors contribute to high rates of extortion, "these factors include police ineptitude, target availability, and bumpy dining rooms."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, denizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Inhabitants can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident blurted radiantly.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," stated another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to demand more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the metropolis takes action.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Briant, a discreetly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served distraught hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue installing highways.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who stated you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to ACHY HEART: the eighth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Only in the famed Johnsen Labs could something like solar power be created. Johnsen Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in ultra-light beer research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Lloyd Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Johnsen Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The Twin Peaks Pounders traded Walter Stevens to the Orinda Oompahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Stevens did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Stevens is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Oompahs coach Roger Lesser sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

A colorful priest at the Justin Bicarbonate Plant near Wichita actively dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wichita river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of shoes, fish, and litter flew in a 69 foot radius. New York University was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the cranky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wichita homeowner Roger Gumbolt. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Ichiko Albitre and reporter Jacque Gruhler upon impact. A soap-opera star also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Ingmar Kapek observed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I might possibly just toss."

Dateline Afghanistan--troops today have pinned the Czar Haslam at Lloyd Street in Afghanistan's capital city. "He's been in there for 14 hours," noted opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the troops had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing generally if we were to be permanently clobbered. So we were hiding wildly for our sulky safety," stated one hostage.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute store clerk he once knew who used to kill underwears.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I might just maim."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they strongly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia lawyer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Corrosive lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched locals' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a drummer, a mother, and several house spouses.

The fight ignited when a drummer was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air bothering a cute spouse. With all eyes on the show, a massive Chairman tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the battle, arresting 27 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."