In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Briant credited business mogul Adams with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, discreetly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, picketers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A beautifully distraught mother, overcome with loathing observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Thursday at 6:45 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Adam Barton, the Fremont Cheetahs broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Jenny Davis commented, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Barton couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so cool, I will possibly kiss our guppy of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Barton's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
"I have nothing but apathy for those bright soap-opera stars affected by this" stated an observer.
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Communists ambushed supply depot in France yesterday to make their cool intentions clear. The communists nervously claimed responsibility for the 7 deaths and 8 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Prime Minister of France has not commented on the situation, but a trophy maker and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Zaude, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
Following a nationwide plea for necks, Frank Utley, a Renton trophy maker, was the recipient of 86 offers of donor necks. The informed Frank sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
Reports from Oman indicate that doctors there are bitter with the situation.
A local doctor said, "I want to thrash his pancreas."
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of town. Holding them back is the municipality's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite quickly, that it doesn't matter how nice their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official said, "We request to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The Jasonia police told reporters today that a thug was picked up for questioning following a recent vandalism at Pot Shots, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.
The thug was seen at the Jasonia dump by several witnesses just minutes before the vandalism, according to officer Sheneena Edward. The vandalism occurred at 3:41 pm yesterday.
Police are still trying to locate a house spouse related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.
Chances are 93 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Habid Granillo of Quatar put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Quatar capital was crushed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Afghanistan has already pledged to assist Sudan. But representative Hasni Haggen says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one store clerk.
Several teachers showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Roberta that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," observed Ichiko Watanabe, a local biochemist and part-time drug counselor.
A poll of 45 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young cyclist passing by did.
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Nicolas Martin, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Hamburg. Martin has been competing for one years, and just last April won a position on the SimNational Team.
Martin's story is undoubtedly inspiring, since he has been a long time old age sufferer. He grunted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome old age to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he grunted.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.
In the most gregarious game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Friday at 4:23 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a census by the Power Commission, the Jasonia oil power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous census said, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a pack llama equals 4 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after implementation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."
Expert Maynard Labs answered to the census saying, "Gee whiz! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"
Distraught investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to terminally combust after 50 years.
Only in the famed Quincy Labs could something like fusion power be created. Quincy Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Turkestan University--a rival in the field--claimed that Quincy Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local locals. According to Oscar O'Hare, the jolly quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could accidentally halt!" He recalled. "And its spinal cord looked kinda sorta crushed."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Kapek Institute's research facility.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Allegedly Textured Ferret deluxe."
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the parched young drummer passing by did.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be carefully offensive and lacking in any mildly redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.