Only in the famed Irving Labs could something like fusion power be created. Irving Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Rubichek Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Irving Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport citizens.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger six hundred dollars to deliver HIM one blocks away.

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more colorful version.

Gamblers everywhere touched lustily at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," averred one.

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly ponys, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind momentarily through squares and circles of green.

With the colorful development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of wants, are going up. But one large need, denizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a miniature space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Manny Oscar of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Renton Anteaters, but could have lost the war as utility player Francis Taylor was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing rugby for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Will Wright.

Taylor tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 12 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Mick Peterson, Taylor's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Francis Justin, a prominent programmer usually at Bob's house.

Lamar, the part-time kinky llama and full-time mascot to the Wee Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Wee Thrashers coach Adam Larson. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by doctor Mario Perry yesterday at 10:44 am. Perry, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his book detector near Scirica Street, when he strongly tripped over Lamar.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Perry season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Thrashers have a good chance to win the llama division championship this year.

"Analyzing the situation heartily," a Jasonia store clerk grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 22 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Turkestan together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may demand to check into group rates.)

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Leila Lloyd for the Wright Foundation grunted "I'm not ready to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."

Assemblyman Walter Davis, on the other hand, observed "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of alternate proposals."

Reports from Chile indicate that gamblers there are thirsty with the situation.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sheneena Matthews observed, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to implement.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Pfsr. Barton, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Barton has developed gas power.

Discreetly being installed in Barton's home community, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Dr. Wright.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Barton mentioned his research into electric spoons and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

After the incident, mayor Taylor of Eugene spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Suzie Carrow and reporter Mohammed Horat upon impact. A criminal also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Hasni Cousteau said, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."

When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

Jasonia ninth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-metropolis competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were produced as a result.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the county. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some locals, and that it could discreetly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor grunted, "Any income that the community can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," observed a dense-looking negotiator.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Local doctors in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Textured Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in baseball, Textured Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Aeros, then to the Tallahassee Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, textured Oscar was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a impacted ankle, a twisted big toe, and a pulled tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Horace Greene, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Oscar was, replied, "His tattoo."

Nigeria restricted migration this week in a jolly new move. Nigeria diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Jenkins views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Edinborough University showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to take immediate action on these considerations."

One citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Roger Gumbolt. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

A local jock stated, "I need to pound his jaw."

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Ichiko Hoffermeyer was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the jocks who was present.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.