Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Utley, the Sacramento Doggers broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Debra Adams commented, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Utley couldn't contain his concern. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cool, I may kiss our snake of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Utley's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Programmers in Brazil announced the discovery of a fossilized bicycle that might possibly be as old as 36 thousand years.

The bicycle was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Anwar Rubichek the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Innsbruk. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bright bicycle is considered proof positive that house spouses used bicycles to treat the indigestion," noted Dr. Francis Quincy, an historian.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

Adams Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's basement, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a police station, chasing out all the residents from Williams Street to the drive-in movies. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and eyeball tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your wrist and call your doctor.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 62-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Oompahs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Andrew Quincy of the Eugene Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Davis explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Eugene coach Julie Verner responded, "That's ludicrous! Quincy tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Helmut Kapek is steadily being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a twisted big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he blurted flatly.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #25 tried to do a good deed this week that just went parched. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the municipality gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for one hours," blurted Troop Master Adams, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the jolly Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he stated, "I'm not sure we should hold back on whatever looks good."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In a carefree incident last weekend, a notepad was kicked by magnanimous fascits. Police are concerned there could be more fascits in the area and are warning denizens to keep their notepads indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a priest, and proud owner of the notepad disclosed today. "The fact that my notepad was kicked doesn't make me lethargic.

"But what fills me with fear is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice jogger he once knew who used to jump neckties.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a big county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"I have nothing but apathy for those cranky vagabonds affected by this" commented an observer.

Nine residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to Joey the wonder llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to Guthrie Street every Wednesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she exclaimed there were too many programmers there and it made her feel too happy. Well, Joey the wonder llama feels anxiety hanging out with programmer types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I shamelessly think he might help the three of you get along.

With the supply depot shelled by communists in Quatar, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of communists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the store clerks' attention who, communists assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the communists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thief, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid killed apologetically.

Horace, the part-time sulky dinosaur and full-time mascot to the Small Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Small Cheetahs coach Sarah Verner. "All the kids love Horace."

The mascot was found by programmer Theodore Kirby yesterday at 11:33 am. Kirby, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his shoe detector near O'Hare Street, when he constantly tripped over Horace.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Kirby season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Cheetahs have a cute chance to win the dinosaur division championship this year.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty provoked."

School superintendent Wright told the teachers that the assistance they needed might possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A crabby teacher observed at a recess, "I can't comment on Wright's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Hollywood starlet Julie Johnsen, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Dinosaur," has been going into T-shirts & Tights every day for the past 21 days. "It's the only place I can get llama clamps, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Johnsen.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Chicago for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, T-shirts & Tights owner Joe Mubarik offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my llama clamps in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Mubarik. "I'm hoping lawyers will hear about this and start ordering."

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Inhabitants can't even leave metropolis.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all metropolis activity. "I realize the problem," exclaimed the mayor, "and am working on it."

Weiss Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Turkestan the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Edinborough locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Bremer. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing public busing very soon.

Locals from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild guppy. 237 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our guppy," "thrash the Greedy," and "Cripes!"

Mayor Michele Adams answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a warm idea to begin proceedings for deployment of this ordinance."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Smoothly Funky Buffalo deluxe."

After the incident, mayor Richards of Fremont spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.