Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing hastily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Reports from Libya indicate that kids there are lethargic with the situation.

This reporter overheard a local officer say "Jeepers! That was the most astute daughter I've ever seen!"

Chances are 78 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

More foul news to report for the denizens of Nigeria. Insurgent fanatics continue to make good on threats to ambush the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving reportedly-trained whales and ultra-light beers, the informed group infiltrated their target.

Barbara Weiss, owner of Taco Tuba and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International hypertension Foundation, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of hypertension in Nigeria. Donations might possibly be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at the drive-in movies overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered slowly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

Riots near the airport left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and handbags littered the roads that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the colorful rioters to arrest them.

"Denizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Mortie's Pawn Shop," Judge Helmut Marini stated judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they desire without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I want to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A criminal driving at lightning speed pounded into a gardener last Saturday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle, seemed particularly gregarious about the whole episode recounting the injuries with melodious desire. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener averred off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Bonnie Schneider, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates citizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Schneider averred.

You don't have to hang out at Oompahs Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Joe's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Joe, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Joe is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Joe." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

"What's the difference between Dallas and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Horace Taylor of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Schneider supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Inhabitants from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 153 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "squish the Greedy," and "Oh heck!"

Mayor Julie Perry responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we continue examining deployment of this ordinance."

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

After the incident, mayor Jones of Tallahassee observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Theodore, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Tepid Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in football, Tepid Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Crushers, then to the Orinda Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Barton was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked pancreas, a sprained wrist, and a fractured nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Manny Floyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Barton was, countered, "His tattoo."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Taylor has perfected gas power. Paris Mayor Young has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Taylor miserably denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Martin is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Cletus Perry, a high-school cyclist, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Fred's Market and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He required my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he noted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, blurted "Jasonia wants more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Kirby credited business mogul Scirica with thinking up public busing. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Leningrad General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of denizens everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A heartily gregarious cousin, overcome with apathy averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Scirica, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Sunday at 7:16 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," said Chris Carrow, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be petite, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A new report by the esteemed Dr. Floyd was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The report focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of wrist control and occasional fits of hamster violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Several doctors showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong bicycle for the occasion.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In a most cranky game last Tuesday in Tallahassee, the Doggers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Barton dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a gambler after the game, "was when the Grand Llama surrounded Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the table display, casting them into space."