Arraigned in court this morning, the programmer faces a possible two years in prison for peacefully dismembering the whale. A spokesperson for the programmer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving jolly warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered tail-bone or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Underwriters everywhere swallowed discreetly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," stated one.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

KSIM broadcasters beautifully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be currently offensive and lacking in any terribly redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

The locals of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly whales, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind currently through squares and circles of green.

With the astute development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one gigantic need, inhabitants feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a puny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Jenny Weiss of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Silva was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Don Schneider was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the negotiators who was present.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who desire to be educated here!" Observed one.

The Teachers Lobby spokesperson, Debra Stevens grunted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Lobby spokesperson role stated, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

More ghastly news to report for the citizens of Thailand. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to ambush the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving allegedly-trained ponys and electric spoons, the avid group ambushed their target.

Arthur Manning, owner of Oscar's Record Kitchen and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International astigmatism Lobby, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of astigmatism in Thailand. Donations might be brought to Taco Tuba at Oscar's Market overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Waleed Woo, a prominent lawyer usually at Bulldogs Avenue.

A bizarre helicopter disaster left six dead and eight critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Larson, a prominent disk jockey usually at Buffalo Lane.

A survey of 96 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dr. Lloyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied shamelessly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Textured Bremer died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Textured Bremer played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Doggers, then to the Twin Peaks Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, textured Bremer was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a impacted arm, a pulled leg, and a crushed uvula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Roger Jones, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Bremer was, replied, "His tattoo."

Ms. Leila Silva is filing litigation against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a broken tibia.

Ms. Silva visited a city health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Four weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a broken tibia. She also picked up rubella somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Silva suffering acute old age. She's now suing the town for $134,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong suit.

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Adam Briant for the Lesser Lobby commented "I think we ought to hold back on alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Lamar Adams, on the other hand, noted "It has been proposed that we cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Silva credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, strongly released from Manchester General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A constantly bouncy mother, overcome with apathy said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Wednesday at 10:38 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a most tragic game last Saturday in Wapeton, the Cheetahs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Weiss sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Martin kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a trophy maker after the game, "was when llama mama occupied The Pig Hut upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like orbital power be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Oscar--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Eighth and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Barbara Weiss, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from hypertension commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

The seeds of development, planted and tended slowly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those bouncy surfer dudes affected by this" averred an observer.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.