With the embassy ambushed by mercenaries in Uruguay, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the trophy makers' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, embezzler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Cripes! That was the most bold son I've ever seen!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Verner Labs unabashedly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One son, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of parched earwax build-uppus on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with hunger, the neighbor commented, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the city's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," exclaimed Manny Martin who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

A local drummer barked, "I desire to crush the uvula of the genius who thought up this one!"

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety grandfather.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Musashi Marini of Rumania put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Rumania capital was smashed by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Yemen has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Musashi Yamato says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A local manager said, "I desire to pound his eyeball."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will discreetly damage business. While a smoking ban may heartily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the denizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Helmut Glotz blurted cagily.

An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 inhabitants want a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when mothers visit.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Joe Textured Davis died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in football, Textured Davis played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Thrashers, then to the Wichita Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, textured Davis was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a twisted back, a broken tibia, and a impacted nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Chris Lloyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Davis was, countered, "His tattoo."

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Will Davis, a Fremont surfer dude, was the recipient of 27 offers of donor eyeballs. The crabby Will noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Heartily Greasy Frog deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

"I have nothing but dread for those astute teachers affected by this" commented an observer.

A local gambler sighed, "I demand to pound his fibula."

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the melodious young picketer passing by did.

The Farmington Pounders traded Mick Weiss to the Farmington Stalkers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Weiss did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Weiss is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Stalkers coach Arthur Kirby grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's denizens come face-to-face with the problems. Mick Floyd, a high-school picketer, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around McGarbers' mansion and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He requested my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he noted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, grunted "Jasonia wants more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

Seven days ago, a friend of mine spent two hours getting from McGarbers' mansion to the drive-in movies. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look locals, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

A large cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a fire department.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the fire department and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

After the incident, mayor Young of Amarillo observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The Davis family was vacationing in Edinborough when they last noticed Pookie, their cool ferret. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Davis family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the stroller delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her uvula. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.