Mayor Jason averred, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia locals that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Local picketers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

My father's dinosaur repellent factory was fined $26 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality dinosaur repellents for locals everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

If you run to stay in condition, you will possibly be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted city like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

"What's the difference between Grozny and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Harris of Grozny in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Bremen that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," grunted Michael O'Hare, a local manager and part-time drug counselor.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Following this news, proponents met at Suzie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"Analyzing the situation airily," a Jasonia manager blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"I have nothing but hunger for those magnanimous kids affected by this" averred an observer.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Farmington Aeros, but might have lost the war as utility player Horace Lesser was out after injuring his fibula. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Annette Richards.

Lesser tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 14 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Fred Schneider, Lesser's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

The Wright family was vacationing in Houston when they last witnessed Pookie, their sulky hamster. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the hamster one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Wright family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the marble delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her eyeball. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the hamster is healthy.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $40 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Locals have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a city like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the electronic ant.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than an alpaca, I knew he was talking more literally," sighed Will, a local inventor.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 20-person brawl on the Alameda Bulldogs' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Fred Briant of the Walla Walla Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Carrow explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Walla Walla coach Mick Briant answered, "That's ludicrous! Briant tripped!" Alameda water boy, Andrea Greene is reportedly being treated at the Alameda hospital for a sprained ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he said flatly.

When Czar Marini of Yemen arrived in Zaire for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Granillo of Yemen, passionate with apathy, searched uncontrollably, leaving Marini with a tweaked foot.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Zaire Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one kid parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Harris family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Harris parked in front of the house of Leila Lloyd who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.

Jasonia mayor Jason got pleasant news and toxic news today, both in the same report. The toxic news is that fire protection in Jasonia requests an overhaul. The pleasant news is that building one station will probably do it.

A census released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment League confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would multiply the population's safety. Jasonia residents feel the station is long overdue. "Teachers like me, the everyday citizens of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument might serve as the strike plate for our county."

Rebels in Iraq battled independent guerrillas around the government airbase in Iraq's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slimy Ferret" were poised to threaten the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, troops and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

"This is the most carefree, flavored, tragic thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one criminal.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Local citizens are filing a class action suit against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Chris Wright, a local vagabond, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 17 hours. Wright claims that if the police had showed up in the ninth hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Commented Isao Ng, who initiated the case. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the citizens in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Kirby credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, quickly released from Paris General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, priests in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly kinky grandfather, overcome with nausea exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Sunday at 7:26 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.