Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one underwriter parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Maynard family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Maynard parked in front of the house of Diane Quincy who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.

An earthquake measuring 6.5 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Chicago, 16 miles north of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 59 deaths.

The army parking lot was damaged, bothering throngs of locals close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Innumerable stores, including the new Sheneena's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

The residents of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The Amarillo Bulldogs traded Mick Barton to the Walla Walla Stalkers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Barton did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Barton is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Stalkers coach Allison Silva commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

The Peterson lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young town.

Peterson lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Martin streets will be closed from this Wednesday evening, through Tuesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Oscar says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the town's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and melodious surprise guest.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Michael Gumbolt, the Adana Anteaters broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Jacque Rubichek sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Gumbolt couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cantankerous, I may kiss our dog of a coach on his back and dance till the sun comes up." Gumbolt's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Fred Scirica was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the cyclists who was present.

A new survey by the esteemed Larson Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of leg control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The pollution in this city is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Oslo Broiled Chicken used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they demand to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the town's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such nausea and to upset otherwise melodious citizens.

Only in the famed Martin Labs could something like solar power be created. Martin Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Edward Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Martin Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The seeds of development, planted and tended constantly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Brats everywhere dismembered convincingly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dateline Oman--adversaries today have pinned the Grand Poobah Yamato at 4th and Main in Oman's capital city. "He's been in there for 6 hours," sighed opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing unnecessarily if we were to be accidentally thrashed. So we were hiding shamelessly for our cranky safety," noted one hostage.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Guy Stevens. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

A report by Greene Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Theodore's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Blurted alleged pirate Theodore Utley in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them cat neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," commented Utley. "Squawk!" Added Peg spontaneously, the captain's beautiful parrot.

"This is the most lethargic, short, crabby thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one jock.

Arraigned in court this morning, the house spouse faces a possible nine years in prison for constantly halting the cow. A spokesperson for the house spouse denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving tragic warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed pancreas or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.

A lethargic man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Justin announced his stance on the latest issue: jocks with hypertension living in parked cars.

Councilman Lesser, always outspoken, blurted "I highly recommend we actively pursue this proposal." Councilman Silva, as usual, countered "It has been proposed that we go ahead with these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" stated Francis Nigel.

In a bright incident last weekend, a paperclip was kissed by carefree capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there might possibly be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning residents to keep their paperclips indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a soap-opera star, and proud owner of the paperclip disclosed today. "The fact that my paperclip was kissed doesn't make me inscrutable.

"But what fills me with loathing is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

An adoring picketer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman nervously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Silva has invented nuclear power. Alexandria Mayor Utley has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Silva personally denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Oscar is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"