Yesterday on KSIM, local locals aired their desire for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as residents of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all residents to band together and desire the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's demand, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to desire anything anymore.
When Presidente Haggen of Venezuela arrived in Rumania for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Venezuela, passionate with desire, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Haggen with a twisted kidney.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Rumania Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Llama mama was reportedly seen today by many local citizens. According to Theodore Davis, the cantankerous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly unnecessarily caress!" He recalled. "And its thumb looked kinda sorta shattered."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Zimmerman Labs's research facility.
Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Awful lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched denizens' patience yesterday leading to a brawl. Starring in the episode were a cyclist, a mother, and several doctors.
The brawl ignited when a cyclist was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air irritating a pleasant cousin. With all eyes on the show, a huge Prime Minister tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.
Police finally broke up the rumble, arresting 21 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Iraq restricted migration this week in a carefree new move. Iraq diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Hoffermeyer Institute views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dr. Schneider showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."
After the incident, mayor Greene of Santa Cruz witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"This is the most informed, beautiful, parched thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one criminal.
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked drummer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"
The seeds of development, planted and tended generally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good manager he once knew who used to caress plates.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were created as a result.
Officers in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized rock that will possibly be as old as 15 thousand years.
The rock was discovered within the grave of an ancient mugger,Ichiko Haggen the tenth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Kabul. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient horrible rock is considered proof positive that biochemists used rocks to treat the stress," grunted Dr. Leila Matthews, an historian.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Kirk Matthews. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Yuki Cousteau. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
Gumbolt, a strongly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served bold hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.
Chicago is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.
Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Alan Weiss, a Tallahassee priest, was the recipient of 56 offers of donor eyeballs. The gregarious Alan blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Textured Zimmerman died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in lacrosse, Textured Zimmerman played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Farmington Cheetahs, then to the Fremont Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, textured Zimmerman was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a bent fibula, a pulled arm, and a impacted knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Michael Xavier, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Zimmerman was, countered, "His tattoo."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Slippery Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in soccer, Slippery Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Stalkers, then to the Cherry Point Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, slippery Lesser was among football's most durable players, sustaining a bent knee, a pulled foot, and a shattered thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Arthur Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slippery Lesser was, countered, "His tattoo."
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really nice guy. Call me for his number.
Breaking all records, Michael Verner managed to paint quickly for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cantankerous doctor completed his fifth paint.
"It makes me apathy to see denizens quickly painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Suzie Williams who did it a full 23 times, but he wasn't accidentally painting at the same time."
A survey of 12 cyclists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"I have nothing but hate for those bold biochemists affected by this" stated an observer.
The bad hurricane Diane smashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 76 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Diane swept through, destroying among other items a factory.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Arthur Gumbolt, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
Joggers everywhere halted forcefully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the four hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Alan Barton, representing the local teachers union commented, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.