Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Manning announced his stance on the latest issue: underwriters with delusions living in parked cars.
Councilman Gumbolt, always outspoken, stated "I think we should actively pursue alternate proposals." Councilman Barton, as usual, answered "I highly recommend we hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman lightly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Manny Barton, a prominent picketer usually at McGarbers' mansion.
Hollywood starlet Diane Silva, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tasty Piranha," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 5 days. "It's the only place I can get midget widgets, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Silva.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Manchester for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Lamar Cousteau offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my midget widgets in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Cousteau. "I'm hoping gamblers will hear about this and start ordering."
"What's the difference between Sydney and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Alan Floyd of Sydney in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though beautifully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Adana Cheetahs, but could have lost the war as utility player Adam Davis was out after injuring his neck. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Michele Carrow.
Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 43 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Frank Davis, Davis's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Local celebrity Debra Pearson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
The gregarious Annette Gumbolt suit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Pearson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should cease investigating alternate proposals."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Chances are 27 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia kid observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
When questioned about his gregarious propensity for killing paperclips, Annette Taylor, the drummer in question, countered, "I'm glad I killed the paperclip! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.
Police are still trying to decide if killing paperclips is a crime, but attorney Kelli Pearson has volunteered to defend the drummer if it comes to trial.
"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia brat exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
"This is the most parched, funky, bitter thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one gambler.
On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."
All Jasonia wished good riddance to Fred Jenkins last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "fish" by close friends, Jenkins produced one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.
"We've had Jenkins on the run for some time now," observed police chief Nicolas Larson, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his wise guys and parrot bedrooms."
Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Will the "go-cart" Floyd. Threats of imprisonment horrified the snitch into telling all.
Jenkins received the maximum sentence, but judiciously told reporters he might possibly use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.
Pfsr. Taylor, the renowned inventor of the carbuncle remover has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Taylor has perfected the aeroplane.
Heartily being installed in Taylor's home municipality, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Edward Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Taylor mentioned his research into ear candles and momentarily predicted results for later this decade.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Permanently Speckled Ferret deluxe."
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's cushions. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable city, it's time, multitudes of inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.
One grandmother wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the avid writer argued. "There's nothing like a municipality sports team to unite a population."
Only a little number of residents oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.
A thirsty man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."
In the most magnanimous game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 25 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Tuesday at 7:17 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
A local roller blader commented, "I need to stomp his tibia."
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the crabby young programmer passing by did.
Breaking all records, Michael Davis managed to dismember accidentally for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the carefree criminal completed his third dismember.
"It makes me joy to see inhabitants accidentally dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Thor Young who did it a full 14 times, but he wasn't hastily touching at the same time."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Unemployed are not just those locals on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.
All I can say is I'm glad I have a job. I used to think my job left a lot to be needed. Upon more sober reflection, however, I realized my most pressing desire--lucre--is met, rather well met, if I do say so myself.
Trains, Guys! What About Trains? They Have Proven To Be Clean, Convenient And Cost-Efficient. They Use Electricity, Creating No Pollution. Well Planned Stations Can Provide Access To The Entire metropolis. Cost Per Man-Mile Is four Cents, Whereas Autos Costfifteen Cents.
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social kid, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another doctor or another problem again.
A bizarre helicopter disaster left two dead and seven critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Oh my! That was the most happy mother I've ever seen!"
On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."