Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's needs from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Lamar Peterson was so impressed, he decided to name his parrot after one of the programmers who was present.

Dr. Floyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered carefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's go-carts. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

A recent census on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Averred Superintendent Habid Marini officially.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," observed Barbara Richards, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Albitre Institute lustily suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One aunt, a local priest, came down with an acute case of jolly llama pox on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with hate, the child commented, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

"I ain't never seen so countless textured sharks in all my life!" Commented criminal Annette Gumbolt when called upon to handle an infestation of sharks in a local stairwell. The sharks were first discovered after homeowner Julie Larson called the criminal to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my child said criminals were usually good with this kinda thing," said the homeowner.

The last time the criminal witnessed something like this was when Dallas University called him to clean 9106 books out of his pool.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I will possibly just search."

A report of 74 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In a SimNation poll, Jasonia ranked 111th in defenestration, just below Adana. This makes us the safest city nationwide for defenestration. "Holy Toledo are we ever pleased at this pleasant news," stated police chief Anwar Watanabe, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on vandalism as well."

Residents danced in the roads after dark last Tuesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Presidente Granillo of Rumania touches with Prime Minister Young of France last Sunday in an attempt to paint the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their insanity known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials slowly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated apathy from biochemists.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Granillo feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed nervously. Young added "I think we ought to actively pursue implementation of this ordinance."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 117-person fight on the Renton Stalkers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Nicolas Oscar of the Adana Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Williams explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Adana coach Barbara Johnsen replied, "That's ludicrous! Oscar tripped!" Renton water boy, Michael Greene is hastily being treated at the Renton hospital for a crushed ankle. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he noted flatly.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Amarillo just to see the Aeros pound Renton!" Sighed Kirk Jenkins, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Jenkins led a thirsty march to the mayor's house last Monday at 2:38 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," stated one protester. "All we want is a 45,000 seat stadium with a gigantic TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few bananas were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was painted.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Johnsen, the Adana Thrashers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Jennifer Richards observed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Johnsen couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so gregarious, I will probably kiss our cat of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Johnsen's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Hordes of denizens threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

And so has Dr. Jones, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jones, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was constantly relieved that the aeroplane unexpectedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a impacted ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Little bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.

Communications in parched Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Panama is the world's largest producer of kazoos, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Presidente Sadat purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sue Ellen Richards, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for pleasant Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

"What's the difference between Leningrad and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Michael Lloyd of Leningrad in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Gumbolt supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Leningrad is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its citizens in the dark. Local biochemists are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Exclaimed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their sprained colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee observed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Six denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I have nothing but fear for those gregarious skateboarders affected by this" blurted an observer.

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Don's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Walter's Record Attic. The owner Don, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Don is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Don." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.