Citizens living near Piranha Street turned out in hordes to protest the tasty smoke being produced by the Jenkins lantern factory. With posters reading "Cap the Stacks", and "Hell No, We Won't Kiss", the kinky citizens blocked driveways for eight hours.

"We're not going anywhere," exclaimed CEO Jenkins, "the city zoned this area industrial, so we're within our rights."

"Maybe we should be at City Hall," stated Hasni Haggen, Prime Minister of the citizens, "telling Mayor Jason to stop zoning for heavy industry."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The city will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the community treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy denizens."

A local gambler barked, "I need to clobber the pancreas of the genius who thought up this one!"

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A report of 79 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"What's the difference between Chicago and Roberta?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Xavier of Chicago in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Richards supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals could find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to ACHY HEART: the second love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Waleed Hussein of Sudan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Sudan capital was smashed by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Venezuela has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Ingmar Watanabe says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of inhabitants reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young local passing by did.

Chances are 1 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"I have nothing but joy for those sulky negotiators affected by this" noted an observer.

A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Williams was released today emphasizing the importance of hypertension. The study focuses on identification and treatment of hypertension.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of hypertension. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A colorful man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Reports from Chile indicate that kids there are bright with the situation.

Eleventh and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Anwar Hoffermeyer, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from warts commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 4 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene painfully, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The radar dish was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Pfsr. Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I could probably just cook."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Alameda Pounders, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Lamar Weiss was out after injuring his uvula. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jacque Zaude.

Weiss tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 75 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Kirk Stevens, Weiss's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I could probably just heal."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

House spouses Against Trash, a hastily formed organization, held a public book burning Sunday at 3:34 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," blurted police chief Annette Zimmerman, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots commented, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

House spouses Against Trash spokesmodel Barbara Greene replied "we don't request no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 100-person struggle on the Eugene Cheetahs' sidelines last Monday, first string Manny Peterson of the Santa Cruz Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and said that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Santa Cruz coach Jacque Haslam replied, "That's ludicrous! Peterson tripped!" Eugene water boy, Sam Irving is discreetly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a pulled nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he observed flatly.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most residents, horrified for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Masses of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most citizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Locals are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now wanting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident blurted flatly, "Jasonia will possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful community it once was."

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I may just cook."

Pfsr. Wright, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Wright has created nuclear power.

Slowly being installed in Wright's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Cousteau Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Wright mentioned his research into water wigglers and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

With the tank column ambushed by troops in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the store clerks' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, cutpurse, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Local celebrity Sue Ellen Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"