Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 52 denizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the county painfully maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the litigation, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Farmington Anteaters, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Arthur Zimmerman was out after injuring his foot. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Waleed Mubarik.

Zimmerman tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 18 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Francis Scirica, Zimmerman's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lethargic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat killed apologetically.

"Jasonia desires a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known evangelist Chris Johnsen. The judge had no alternative other than to release the bad guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A municipality official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local citizens. According to Tarao Kapek, the bitter quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly actively search!" He recalled. "And its fibula looked kinda sorta fractured."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Bremer Labs's research facility.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Jasonia's microwave power plant wildly shot a beam of energy on the City Hall yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave catastrophe, only the fifth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the City Hall upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

This reporter overheard a local kid say "Jeepers! That was the most distraught uncle I've ever seen!"

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's vegetables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Guatemala restricted migration this week in a crabby new move. Guatemala diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Kirby Labs views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Kohl Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a cute idea to cease investigating the passage of this bill."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A melodious man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A new study by the esteemed Johnsen Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The study focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of nose control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia skateboarder observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Attorneys from Wapeton and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Guy, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Michele Thomas was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the criminals who was present.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

And so has Dr. Gumbolt, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Gumbolt, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was slowly relieved that fusion power reportedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a crushed ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Citizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave town.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," noted the mayor, "and am working on it."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Bald Pearson died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in soccer, Bald Pearson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Anteaters, then to the Dullsville Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Pearson was among football's most durable players, sustaining a fractured nose, a impacted skull, and a fractured leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Thor Schneider, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Pearson was, countered, "His tattoo."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including lawyers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises good jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now massive enough to terribly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Francis O'Hare has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in painfully.

Local celebrity Roger Nigel was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Marlon Scirica, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients discreetly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using cow hormones.

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was permanently relieved that nuclear power strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a pulled ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."