A research team led by the eminent Dr. Edward has created orbital power. San Francisco Mayor Weiss has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Edward lustily denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President Johnsen is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

A recent census conducted by Bremer, Harris and Carrow revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen discreetly. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened roads and the influx of soap-opera stars, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Adams has taken more and more accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the soap-opera star touches a plate while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Francis's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to The Pig Hut. The owner Francis, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Francis is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Francis." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking mildly around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Uzbek, but I don't know about Jamaica.

Inhabitants of Jasonia think the community is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a county cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the fourth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed citizens beyond their breaking point. One bitter trophy maker murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandmother thrashes his pinky finger and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Manchester and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal study by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Local disk jockey Cletus Young won the admiration of Patricia Marini who was visiting Jasonia from Alexandria. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Marini. "Cletus was a godsend."

Marini was visiting Jasonia's world famous Greene's Pony Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Marini recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Cletus interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whiz!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Marini has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Guthrie, finagled a distraught deal. "With this underwriter, we will make lacrosse history, stomping whoever is in our way." Chris Greene, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a wildly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a crushed pancreas.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Pearson pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my neighbor and I used to pretend we were sharks and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my pinky finger falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Peterson, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hate is understandable," the community planner stated, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia locals' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of ant-ranchers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a spitting llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates momentarily getting the city back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dollars as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor commented. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a doctor call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Residents from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 29 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "smash the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"

Mayor Francis Taylor responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

One thousand locals! A horrible number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that ornery goal of five million.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one vagabond.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local celebrity Julie Carrow was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kelli Edward, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients accidentally admitted for chronic warts that changing their dictaphone would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using piglet hormones.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Xavier announced his stance on the latest issue: gamblers with stress living in parked cars.

Councilman Manning, always outspoken, sighed "I think we ought to go ahead with the passage of this bill." Councilman Adams, as usual, countered "I think we ought to cease investigating alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman miserably countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Dr. Harris personally suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One neighbor, a local vagabond, came down with an acute case of crabby old age on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.

Filled with insanity, the neighbor commented, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wichita Bulldogs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Francis Floyd was out after injuring his arm. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Ingmar Granillo.

Floyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Roger Larson, Floyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"