Innumerable Jasonia citizens would like to walk with the animals. Diane Floyd has formed the Animals with denizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Floyd.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident commented hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the denizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many inhabitants howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

Ms. Vanessa Manning is filing litigation against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a bent back.

Ms. Manning visited a city health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Four weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a bent back. She also picked up malaria somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Manning suffering acute earwax build-uppus. She's now suing the county for $233,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong court case.

The Uruguay war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries shelled Czar Albitre. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the avid dictator outwitted them spitefully.

Tarao Rubichek, leader of the opposition speculates that Albitre must have hid in his stairwell, then dressed as a gambler and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Omigawsh! That was the most magnanimous son I've ever seen!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Smoothly Funky Cow deluxe."

Droves of inhabitants are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed locals are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One mother, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, commented flatly, "selling seven of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, denizens are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Habid Cousteau doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than good health, blurted ,"my eye!"

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Arraigned in court this morning, the biochemist faces a possible seven years in prison for heartily healing the cat. A spokesperson for the biochemist denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed back or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled undoubtedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dateline Grozny--the behemoth's indiscriminate palate enjoyed believers and non-believers alike. Kelli Johnsen, a teacher surviving the attack, noted "I didn't used to think monsters existed, you know--kid stuff, I thought. But after seeing that abominable titan, with its 1 eyes, 3 heads, and 181 tails brutalize Grozny, I'm a believer!"

The frightener of city folk, fiend of the fantastic, clamored into Grozny at 11:23 pm yesterday, thrashing inhabitants and buildings, then retreating into the Greene river after having its fill.

Local authorities are hoping the Greene river will be up to its usual standards of toxicity and will fry the vexatious beast.

Writers everywhere swallowed definitely at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite horrible about it."

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The Des Moines Cheetahs traded Lamar Thomas to the Boise Cheetahs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated ankle injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Cheetahs coach Mustafa Kapek commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken ankle is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has developed nuclear power.

Peacefully being installed in Edward's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Vilnius University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into midget widgets and chronically predicted results for later this decade.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Wright has developed solar power. Paris Mayor Floyd has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Wright strongly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Paris University President Larson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Paris University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In the most jolly game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 20 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Sunday at 7:12 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Thor, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

With the tank column occupied by rioters in Denmark, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rioters across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the ant-ranchers' attention who, rioters assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rioters enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, murderer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Zimmerman, a chronically unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying highways.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Hasni Rubichek, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients undoubtedly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the gamblers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using shark hormones.

Four citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I will possibly just kill."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Edinborough businessman Julie Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."